# Coming to terms with having an "only child"



## baby-makes-3 (May 13, 2006)

I know there's another thread for moms of onlies, but I am at a place where I'm trying to accept that that DD will most likely be an only. I never expected that this would be even more difficult than trying to decide to have a child in the first place. I never imagined that I would love motherhood this much.

I had DD at 36. She was/is high-spirited, a crappy sleeper, just recently weaned...all that. Very high-needs. At first I could not imagine going thru all that again. I was happy with just one. Then at 2 yo the desire to procreate again hit me like a rock out of left field. We were still having a hard time with her sleeping, and she was still nursing night and day, but with my age, I felt like I was against the clock. It didn't take me long to realize that I should have started having kids earlier, but it just wasn't right at the time. Hindsight.

We were so on the fence for a long time, trying to decide if we should go for it. Really this was the most indecisive I've ever been about anything, ever. Over the course of the year, we tried twice and had two more m/c's (in addition to one before DD).

After the third, I became emboldened and was determined to do all I could to give it one more shot, with herbs, NPC, putting DH on herbs, etc. Really trying to eat right and all that. Also decided to get some basic bloodwork just to make sure thyroid, etc. was fine.

I was shocked to find out that I have some antibody issues that would make having another baby "high risk". Definitely my dream of another natural birthing experience with a m/w was gone. And I hemorrhaged with DD, and she was over 9lbs and I pushed for over 4 hrs. All that does not blend well with being on a blood thinner for birth with a high risk OB. Plus at this point, I would be over 40 by the time any conceived baby were born, which has its own issues.

So even though we were on the fence about another, I am quite frankly, ticked that I've been forcibly pushed OFF the fence. I am eternally grateful for the baby I was able to carry to term. Since finding this all out, I have just sat and stared at her sleeping and cried my eyes out wondering just how much more of a miracle she might be than we ever imagined. But the fact that we had finally decided to really go for it and wrap our minds around the idea of another baby makes accepting this really difficult.

It doesn't help that I have friends with teenage onlies who say that they regret not having another one. I so don't want to feel that way 10 years down the road.









If the decision to have an "only" was decided for you by circumstances out of your control, how did accept it?? How long til were you at peace with it??


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## ldmommy (Oct 1, 2006)

Hi there! First off hugs to you momma...I'm sorry about your losses and the hard decision that you are having to make. I'm not sure if this helps at all considering I have an only as well and she's only 2 1/2 years old. Dh and I had similar problems as you and your dh. I suffered through one ectopic pregnancy and 4 miscarriages myself. The reality is we probably won't be trying again and am trying hard to be grateful with the fact that we were able to have one miracle. I don't know what will come once dd is a teenager and getting ready to leave the nest. I do know that every day I flip flop on trying and not trying and I don't think that will end anytime soon. Dh has already made up his mind that he can't handle and doesn't want to go through another loss and the stress of my pregnancy. Due to the miscarriages and ectopic, I was termed high risk as well. The first 3 months of pregnancy with dd, we were in and out of doctor's offices and hospitals.
I guess the way I try to view it is I was blessed once and I really try hard to appreciate the fact that I got to have that one incredible blessing known as dd. I'm sure as she gets older and more independent, those maternal pangs will keep reoccurring. I think this is a fact of life whether you have one or 5, you always regret not having more as you watch them grow and mature. Sorry I'm not much help. I'll keep track of this thread and see if any other moms can offer up some real wisdom.


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

I'm so sorry for all you've gone through. When I was going through my mcs I was always struck by how awful the feeling was to have something so major be out of our control.

I had 3 mcs and 4 months of pregnancy bedrest before bringing home my dd (now 3yo). I've waffled, but neither dh nor I are ready to open ourselves up to all that again (especially since there's now dd to consider as well). I'm a big list maker, and also a big dreamer and optimist-- so one thing that's really helped me is to make lists of all the things that will be really great and special BECAUSE dd's an only. I have to say, I have thoroughly convinced myself that having only one is and will be awesome! I wouldn't have believed it earlier in this journey, but now I'm actually grateful that circumstances forced us to really look at the possibilities of having an only. I think it's easy to just assume that there will be two children and to view anything less as incomplete, but having been forced to really consider what our life will be like with only the three of us, I almost feel like we stumbled across a really wonderful secret- that there's great joy in raising an only child, and that there can be a sweet peace and harmony in a family of three. I hope that, as time passes, you'll be able to find this peace and joy as well.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

We have an only-by-choice, so I can't speak to the first part of your post.

But I did want to say...do not beat yourself up or feel bad b/c you know a few parents of onlies or actual onlies that are unhappy that way. I have three good friends who were only children, and all of them speak about what a positive experience it was for them, how close they are to their parents, and how they wouldn't have had things any other way. I also have two close friends and a sister who are also parents of onlies--while two of those kids are still toddlers, one is in high school, and her parents rave about the unique things they can do with their dd, having the money to afford special experiences, etc. This is all anecdote, of course--my point is that having or being an only does not destine you or your child to be unhappy. In the research that has been done on this issue, only children are consistently found to be no more anti-social or maladjusted or "spoiled" than their peers with siblings, but to have better self-esteem and show higher levels of achievement. Having a sibling is not a guarantee of happiness (I know plenty of examples that prove that!) and having multiple children is not a guarantee of the parent's happiness (ditto).

I can imagine that this path is very difficult when you don't choose it--but it also presents you with opportunities. To parent in ways you couldn't otherwise. To provide your dd with opportunities that you couldn't otherwise. To have the time and energy to pursue your own passions. I agree with a PP--think about the things about having an only that WILL be special and wonderful for you.

Finally, I know that adoption, fostering, and/or surrogacy are definitely not for everyone, but keep in mind that there are ways to grow your family without carrying a child yourself.


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

Is adopting an older child a possibility you've considered? There are so many older children out there that need a good home. Just a thought


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

I can relate to so much of the OP's and the subsequent posts. I am nearly 38 and DH is about to turn 43.

We waited for years to TTC and then were faced with multiple miscarriages, fertility problems, a physically and emotionally difficult pregnancy and finally DS arrived.

We were completely blown away, in the best possible way, by parenthood. I look at DS and think "I want more of this." We are sad about our situation but we also realize we are so fortunate to have DS and feel greedy for wanting more when others don't have one child.

Like Idmommy, my DH is very reluctant to go thru another loss and planned TTC. The drugs, calendars, constant testing, etc. were extremely stressful. His age also bothers him. If we were both in our 30s, I think he would feel different.

Waiting so long to TTC is a HUGE regret for us. It can't be undone and we know that but it doesn't quell the yearning.

On one hand, we are thankful to have that time together. We both went through really significant periods of emotional development and together made it through a really rocky patch in our marriage.

On the other, we feel like our selfishness (at the time) ruined our chances at the larger family we never knew we wanted.


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## Miasmamma (Sep 20, 2006)

I am an only child, and I know that it wasn't intended to be that way, but due to health issues that's how it is. My mom's only concern is for when she and my dad get older. There will be no one to help me make decisions as I'm it. I do have cousins who are close to my parents, but it's not quite the same. That being said, I loved being an only child and DD was very close to being one herself. This pregnancy happened while we were in the midst of deciding for sure if we were done. I'm still not entirely sure I'm ready for this, but I think it's b/c I don't have experience with siblings.


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## TinyMama (Sep 4, 2007)

I can't really speak to your main question, since I have one DD and haven't tried/thought about trying for a second yet (we also have fertility issues).

But...I'm a happy only.
My parents chose to have just me.








My parents and I were always close when I was growing up, but they definitely honored my independence. They were very considerate and often offered to have a friend join us on vacations, day trips, etc. When I was young, I often asked for a sibling, but my parents told me calmly that it wasn't my decision.

I will be more than happy to have my DD be my only child. But then again, I don't find myself saying, "Oh, I wish she were a baby again..." like I hear so many people doing--I love watching her grow up.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

I don't know any onlies who object to it.

However, if you really, really want another biological child and it's only the thrombophilia preventing you, there is actually a tribe somewhere around MDC for mothers with blood-clotting disorders. I've posted on it a few times but I can't remember where it is! It did suck that I had to have DS in the hospital because of it, and that I will have to have any future children in the hospital because of it, but that said, the whole thing went smoothly to the extent that a hospital birth can. Some mothers switch to heparin or go off thinners entirely for the last couple of weeks, and it really is out of your system quickly so that your hemorrhage risk wouldn't be any higher than it would have been without thinners.


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## Halfasianmomma (Nov 1, 2007)

Funny, I was coming onto the forum to post a similar thread...

I'm an only, and though my mother tried to have another baby when I was 12, it ended with a horribly painful m/c experience. To this day, she swears she "wasn't meant to have another".
I have two wonderful and loving parents who are still here for me 31 years later; although I'm curious about what it's like to have sibblings, I never felt the NEED for a sibbling. I've always been somewhat independent and I really enjoy time alone.

To add to this, though I have an 11 year old stepson, I only have one biological child, and it's HIGHLY unlikely that I'll ever want another. I used to say I wanted 6 kids, but now that I have my beautiful little girl, I feel like having another would take away from the time/energy that I have to devote to her. DD is still young (6 mo.) and though she's a really chill baby girl, the pregnancy was tougher than I ever imagined, both physically and emotionally, and I really struggled for the first few months. Honestly, I cried a bit when my DH said he wanted a vasectomy, but if I'm truly honest with myself, I don't think I could handle another baby. Perhaps that will change, but realistically speaking, we couldn't do it. I'm still a bit sad about not holding another little one in my arms again, about not feeling the kicks and punches throughout the pregnancy, but I think I can manage to chanel my energy elsewhere, live vicariously through my cousins' children here and there, and find happiness in other areas.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

Hi. I'm not in your situation, really, but I know of a book that may or may not help.

Bill McKibben's Maybe One: A case for smaller families

Bill McKibben's a great author - he takes an environmentally friendly approach to the world, so it'll be slanted that way, but he always has some great research to back up his points - about the happiness of children, behavior, that sort of thing (at least, he has great points in his other books).

I'm curious to know what you think, if you do end up reading it - if it helped you feel better or not.

Anyway, just an idea.


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## Belia (Dec 22, 2007)

This is such an interesting thread to me. I am 36 (my birthday is today, actually!







), and we just had our first. I always assumed I would have more than one, but I had a HORRIBLE pregnancy- medical problems, on bloodthinners the whole way through, hospitalized, hyperemesis- that I swore I would only have one.

Then he was born, and he is awesome. Such a cool kid. I am heartbroken at the thought of never experiencing a newborn again. I cry when I pack away outgrown baby clothes, etc.

But at the same time..... I can't imagine going through another pregnancy.

If I were younger I wouldn't worry so much because I could see how I feel in a few years. But the clock is ticking.

At the same time, I don't really regret waiting to have my son. Those 10 years of married life with just the 2 of us were so precious.

So... I dunno. I could very well have an only, but I want my boy to have a sibling, but I do NOT want to be pregnant, but I DON'T want to have regrets. This is very tough.


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## milkybean (Mar 19, 2008)

Although I'm sure I will never give up trying (nor will hubby want to give up), I'm trying to also come to terms with DS being my darling only kiddo. I do know that if it's destined we only have one, he's an awesome one to have.







:

We might have official issues, we might not. It could be that once this 4 year old stops nursing entirely that things will happen (though gosh I've had my period since he was 4 months old). All I know is that nothing has worked, the latest I've been is 4 days and that was when he was under 2 so it was probably just me getting back to regularity.

I'm 39 and I'm quite sure my friends, even the childfree ones, think I'm nutty for even thinking of babies. I certainly don't FEEL nutty. There was no choosing to wait for me...I just didn't meet hubby until I was 30, and as soon as we got married we tried, and voila, honeymoon baby. And as soon as DS was 9 months old and I could even think of hubby touching me, we started trying...there's been no choosing to delay things, it's just life.

I'm the oldest of 5 (2 of us from our mom, 3 from our stepmom) and I can't really see how to be a family of 3, but I suppose I'll figure it out if I must.

DS asks for a brother or sister quite often. He gets really specific sometimes, which is hard, b/c I remember how family lore says that my grandmother's first daughter told everyone in the neighborhood that she was having a "Judy baby" well before my grandmother knew she was pregnant with her 3rd. Of course when she found out she was pg and then when she had a girl, she named the baby Judy.







So every time my son gets really specific with names, I get a twinge of hope...

Sorry to turn this into me me me. but at least you know you're not alone.


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## intentionalmama (Aug 23, 2008)

Oh, yes, I hear your sadness. I had my ds 5, just after turning forty. I got married late in life was busy travelling and never really cared about having children. But once I got pregnant, and especially once my ds was born - my world and the way I saw things changed forever. When I read some of the posts about women who do not have children and give pretty bad advice - I very much remember knocking on the door of a neighbour in my apartment who had just had a baby. I actually told her that I was waking up through the night as her baby was below my room and asked her if she could move the child to another room. Oh, my God, I am so horrified by this now. If only I could meet her now. I keep this in my mind!

After my ds, we had four miscarriages (that broke my heart) and the fact that my husband was through having more children was very, very, painful. We are now contemplating adopting an older but younger child than my ds. My little boy is such a wonderful child. I joke that I wish I had five more of him. He is so full of life and such a blessing in our lives.

One of the reasons I think about adopting is I feel we still have so much love to give; and I would love a sibling for my son. However, our ds has never shown any interest in having a sibling and seems to be thriving in our little family. That said, I have also wished I had, had children when I was younger; and that I could have realized what an amazing thing it is to have a child. But, I also recognize that I am not now, who I was in my younger years. My interests were different and that I guess for me, this was the right time to have my child. I had to do some grieving work over not being able to have another biological child (journaling, labyrinth walking, talking) etc. I see having children as a sacred experience and am frequently brought to tears of joy, delight, love and sadness on this journey. I don't want to miss a moment. It's amazing how much these little ones can affect our lives. Lesley


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

Hi there, I'm in a similar place, and it's really hard.









Here is my post (so I don't have to retype it) from the Mom's of Onlies thread:

Hi!
I have an only ds, 6 years old.

But it's not by choice, it's by circumstance. I really wanted more, and I feel a bit sad and bitter that my ds is an only. I have lymphoma and was dx when ds was a year old. Now I have no chance of having any more biological children. Right now my health is not stable enough to consider adoption. And I know for a fact that I couldn't handle another child right now anyway, I guess I'm just venting a bit.

My ds is very needy and is much happier with other kids around.
I am his source of entertainment unless I arrange activities or playdates.

I guess I also feel that because of my illness and treatment, hanging with me isn't much fun lately. Poor kid!

I also come from a big family, and we are lucky that ds has a cousin his age on each side of the family to hang out with. That makes it a bit easier to bear at family functions.

And yes, the questions "when are you having another" hurt! And even people who know about my health issues ask this. Can you say clueless?


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## Milkymommy (Apr 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *baby-makes-3* 
If the decision to have an "only" was decided for you by circumstances out of your control, how did accept it?? How long til were you at peace with it??

My 8 yr old DD is an only by circumstance not by our choice. I make peace with it day by day and some days are easier than others.

What has really helped our family is to become close to other families who have only children. We have neighbors who have a DD a few years older than my DD and she is another only by circumstance. She and my DD play together frequently. She taught my DD how to ride a bike and passes her books along to her.

It helps me to have mom friends who also have secondary infertility like me. They understand how I'm feeling when other friends are having thier 3rd and 4th babies.

Also, I really believe that it helps to look at the positives. I always wanted lots of children - a full house! Now I've learned to appreciate the quiet, peaceful life we have with one child.


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## AfricanQueen99 (Jun 7, 2008)

I'm an only and very, very happy about that.

We had our daughter and then learned that I have cancer and shouldn't have more. We gave it two years and now just decided to go for it. I wasn't given the "green light", but it's not a "flashing red" any more. I sort of just took my chance and now I'm pregnant.

I feel for you. I really do. When I thought my one was *it* I was very, very sad. I was in love with her, but I kept wanting another because I wasn't supposed to want another, yk?

Good luck. They surely don't mention stuff like this before having kids, do they?


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OakBerry* 
And yes, the questions "when are you having another" hurt! And even people who know about my health issues ask this. Can you say clueless?

Pssst.... If you cry when they ask this question, they'll stop asking. I don't mean whip up tears, but don't hold them back either.


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## baby-makes-3 (May 13, 2006)

Thank you all for your candid responses. It's a hard topic to discuss with others IRL.

I think what strikes me the most is the number of only adults who say that they are okay with it. I do have 'selfish' reasons for wanting another -- the whole feeling pregnancy/new baby/bf/mommy stuff. But in the long run, I worry about DD not having that sibling factor. Knowing that there's still immediate family for her. We have awesome friends/network, but family is family. But I try to focus on the fact that she's not doomed to a life of lonely misery because she (probably) won't have siblings. I do know of some siblings who despise each other, so there are no guarantees.

We actually did discuss adoption when I bled with DD and we thought she was going to be my 2nd mc. But then she held on and we didn't discuss it anymore. Now, it's just been a week that I got this info, so I'm still in a state of shock/mourning, so I'm not at the Plan B stage yet. Quite honestly, I'd have to really explore the dynamics of having a bio and an adopted child -- the feelings of jealousy, equality, etc.

I'll also check out the book mentioned -- I know there are truly a lot of benefits to having an only. DD and I are extremely close now -- she calls me her "best friend"







: and I wonder how another would affect that relationship. I do enjoy that once she's in bed, DH and I have real quiet time. Sometimes I love the quiet in our house and sometimes the quiet is painful, you know?

Quote:

They surely don't mention stuff like this before having kids, do they?
Very true.


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## lovbeingamommy (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *baby-makes-3* 
After the third, I became emboldened and was determined to do all I could to give it one more shot, with herbs, NPC, putting DH on herbs, etc. Really trying to eat right and all that. Also decided to get some basic bloodwork just to make sure thyroid, etc. was fine.

If the decision to have an "only" was decided for you by circumstances out of your control, how did accept it?? How long til were you at peace with it??

Like you were, I am as determined as ever to have another child. I had my perfect little DS at 40. Why I waited so long...I guess out of fear if you want the truth. I am doing everything I possibly can think of to prepare my body to carry to term another child after having two m/c's in 2008.









I'm turning 44 in less than a month and it will not deter me a bit. However, what does put us in a strange situation is my 42 yo DH had a stroke two months ago and is now on all sorts of meds. I can only hope and pray that it doesn't affect his fertillity.

If I end up with only one child - he's it!! There's no other grandchildren for my parents and DH's brother and sister's kids are already in their 20's. So for the sake of my little boy I hope to God I can have at least one more. Sorry, if I seem a little extreme about this I just can't imagine how lonely he may be without any close family and it just makes me cry.


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## baby-makes-3 (May 13, 2006)

It's been mentioned before, but it is striking how strong this feeling can be combined with being so helpless/out of control.

However, after reading some other posts, this feeling may be part and parcel to being a mother (and enjoying it) - period. Before I had DD, I honestly never gave much thought to #2 or beyond. I just wanted to "have a baby" and I thought if I could accomplish that, I would be fine. While I was pg, I did say that I wanted to feel that again, but then during the baby years....well, that waned a bit







. BUT there are moms on here with 2 or more kids who seem to have similar feelings to mine. I have a friend who has 3 and says how hard it is to "leave those years behind". So part of this (not all) is just normal mommyhood feelings, regardless of the number of kiddies...?

I am coming to terms with things llittle by little. It does help that there was a time when DD was def. going to be an only, due to our decision at the time, so it helps to recall some of those reasons we had then.

Also, I was wondering.....does anyone else feel this...it seems that right around ovulation time the desire to have another is particularly strong! Like some biological desire to procreate hits me when I see all the fertility signs gear up to drop an egg. Even when we were TTA, I had a twinge of sadness during o time. I got all this medical info 1 week before AF, so the hormones played into how I received it. Now that I'm on CD6 and the hormones are a bit more leveled out, it is somewhat easier to swallow.

It does help to read this and the Onlies thread, knowing that others are dealing with the same things eases things.


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## Minerva (Jul 7, 2005)

I have what might be best termed a hyperactive immune system. It's a hostile environment. I only got pregnant because I had a bad allergic reaction and was coming off a steroid that shut off my immune system for several months. They didn't warn me about that possible side effect.







After several (early) m/c before this one kid stuck, it's highly unlikely we're having another one.

I'm still working on "okay with it". I think it's fine for a while, and then someone blithely asks about when we're having another one and oh gee, you really should have at least two kids. Then I get torn between wanting to start bawling and fighting down an urge to punch the wall or something. It's going to take a while before "okay" sets in, I think.


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## green betty (Jun 13, 2004)

I had a difficult time coming to terms with having an only, especially when he was 2 and 3, and especially when I was ovulating. Now that he's a bit older and more independent in his activities things are much, much better. For me it's made a huge difference to take advantage of the things I can do _because_ I have an only--like travel more, and homeschool while launching a satisfying career at the same time.

I also look for ways to spend time with other kids to spread around the extra love I have inside. It's not the same as having your own, but an afternoon with a friend's LO both gives me a chance to enjoy another child _and_ enjoy the peace and quiet I'm accustomed to after they go home!


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