# Dh just pushed dd onto the floor?!?!!?



## sunshine's mama (Mar 3, 2007)

I just had a post and somehow my window closed......







:

And he doesn't see how 100% unacceptable it was......????!!!!??!!!!???

He was sitting with his back to the sofa on the floor calling my stepdaughter. DD wanted to talk (she's 3) and tried to grab the phone.....he promised she could talk. Apparently she hit a button the phone and he couldn't hear his other child (which is hard to begin with on the phone bc she mumbles and watches tv at her mom's house and is more focused on that then the phone call) so he raised his arm up, sucked in his bottom lip and pushed dd onto the floor (she was standing!!) on the back of her head.....She stood up, shocked with a big pink circle on her forehead and came running to me while daddy apologized to her sister on the phone..."I'm sorry honey, your sister was being to rough...." blah blah blah.....AND HE WONDER'S WHY THE LITTLE ONE IS UNABLE TO GET HER OLDER SISTER TO PLAY WITH HER.....

Anyhoo...after he hung up I told him that it was unacceptable and he looked at me like I was speaking an alien language.....I told him it was totally inappropriate for him to do that to her....Just stand up and move...that's what you tell the older child when she is here visiting to do if the younger one is getting too rough....and he just looked at me....







:

He told me that she needs to learn that no means no and I told him she would...she has good days with it and bad days with it...SHE'S 3.....

I also told him that I had NEVER seen him treat her older sister like that the entire time I have known him (since she was 2.5, she's now 7.5)...NEVER once did I see him smack a hand, smack a butt, push her down, never a consequence for her behavior (spits out food, treats her little sister like pond scum, treats me like pond scum, when she was 5 she would intentionally pull her pants down and pee on my mother's living room sofa or in a corner in the living room when we would visit and never once did he ever say anything to her about how wrong/inappropriate it was......) but he is soooo quick to punish our child together....

He told me that from now on then, if I felt this way, he would start to point out everything he thought I was doing wrong...OK, NOW WE ARE 12 YEARS OLD??????

I am not a perfect parent....and I have never claimed to be...I try to be as GD as I can...but there are days I slip.....where I yell too much, where I just want it all to go away...esp the past few months,....getting over the Hyperemesis, being so pregnant in this midwest summer, not getting much of any help with dd esp when her sister is here, moving a few weeks ago and still sitting amongst boxes 3 weeks from my due date bc he won't move them to a level where I can get into them (I can't lift 40lb boxes above my head right now) or just helping in general unless it pertains to something HE has to do for HIM......

I just don't get how he can't understand how wrong this was...how it was TOTALLY overreacting......He should know that he is the grown up.....she is a little child....it's not tit for tat......that's not going to make her understand or teach her anything.......

I just don't know what to do.......I just can't believe what my eyes saw......

She's leaning over his back right now with her arms around his neck and he just pulled them away (she squeezes a bit too tight sometimes.....it happens...it's not rough...she giggles....all he has to do is gently remove her arms a bit and say too tight, that's not ok....).....

She was just playing with him and got a tad rough and he said, "Ok, bye...Im leaving..." and she is trailing after him saying, "No, daddy..I'll be nice" and he said, "but you have to be nice all the time"......that's hard for a 3yo....

It's almost like he has the expectations for each child mixed up....like he expects the 3yo to act like the 7yo and vise versa.....

SIGH.......

Thanks for listening......


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## L&IsMama (Jan 24, 2006)

: *must back away from this thread. must exercise self-restraint*

I dunno what to say...honestly. Well, I do, but, ugh....I can't. NM.







to your dd.







:


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I'm sorry but if someone did that to my daughter and did not see anything wrong with it, I would leave.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Wow. It sounds like a knee jerk reaction out of frustration and anger, and it was totally inappropriate. For him to have done it sucks, but for him to refuse to admit it was wrong is the real problem. (Though I suspect he knows exactly how wrong it was and that is reason behind his super defensive attitude toward you.)

It's just plain not okay for him to do that. It's also bizarre for him to tell her she has to "be nice all the time". She's three years old, and I don't know a single person of any age that is nice all the time. It sounds as if he is desperately in need of some info about what is age appropriate. I wouldn't advise leaving the child with him until he is more stable with her.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

There are two separate issues, and its not helping your argument to blur them. His expectations and treatment of his three year old daughter are innapropriate. That is one issue. And you are correct to address that issue in the moment. It is absolutely correct to bring this to his attention as it occurs, and stand up for your dd.

The contrast you see between the way he treats his two daughters is a VERY serious and deep reaching problem, and needs to be approached with a lot of sensitivity and care, because he will totally shut down and refuse to see it unless it is brought up carefully and in a calm moment, when you have lots of time and space to examine it together. And not only that, but you need to sort out your own feelings and perceptions about it a little bit before you broach it.

If you try to tackle both these issues in the same heated moment, you will not make headway with either one.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

it sounds like your post is a lot more about your marriage and your stepdaughter than the actual incident you described. that's just my observation though. sounds like you have some serious resentment against your stepdaughter.


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

Oh no, your poor DD.







No advice, but good luck with your DH, his behavior is totally unacceptable.








s to your daughter.


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
it sounds like your post is a lot more about your marriage and your stepdaughter than the actual incident you described. that's just my observation though. sounds like you have some serious resentment against your stepdaughter.


Seriously? He PUSHED his DD to the ground. I'd say *that* is the biggest issue here!


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
sounds like you have some serious resentment against your stepdaughter.

I'd say the resentment is more about the way her Dh seems to be reacting so differently to his daughters rather than it being against the girl herself. Either way, I agree with Mamaduck that there are two issues involved. Both important though...


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## grypx831 (May 22, 2005)

What about some sourt of therapy/counceling? It sounds like there is definately something going on there. My life isnt' exactly sunshine and roses but if somebody pushed my daughter onto her face I'd be on the news.


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## wytchywoman (Nov 14, 2006)

I am so sorry. I agree that there is more than one issue here that needs to be resolved. I think the first priority needs to be with your DD's safety and if you need to leave to see that then perhaps that what you need to do, at least temporarily, until he gets the point. Counseling may help with the DSD issues but it won't with this one. He needs to get it into his head that he must keep his hands to himself. She could have suffered a concussion from what he did and that is so far beyond not OK there really are no words to express it. I hope you can find some way to work things out. ((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you and your DD.


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## ollineeba (Apr 12, 2005)

sunshine, just want to give you a


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

i wouldn't tolerate anyone pushing my dd to the floor - not even her daddy.

my only point is - her frustration is much more than what just happened. she's furious about much more than her dd being pushed to the floor tonight....and that's worth addressing imo. the stepdaughter is only 7 years old. i'm sure she picks up on stepmom's frustration, because if it's obvious to me - it probably is obvious to her as well.

honestly -- it sounds like the husband sucks - but we all agree on that....so i was trying to go beyond it.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Hi there...I think I gave you advice earlier on your baby movement. I don't really have any advice..just wanted to offer a







.
Your poor dd


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
i wouldn't tolerate anyone pushing my dd to the floor - not even her daddy.

my only point is - her frustration is much more than what just happened. she's furious about much more than her dd being pushed to the floor tonight....and that's worth addressing imo. the stepdaughter is only 7 years old. i'm sure she picks up on stepmom's frustration, because if it's obvious to me - it probably is obvious to her as well.

honestly -- it sounds like the husband sucks - but we all agree on that....so i was trying to go beyond it.

Gotcha.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
Wow. It sounds like a knee jerk reaction out of frustration and anger, and it was totally inappropriate.
For him to have done it sucks, but for him to refuse to admit it was wrong is the real problem.
(Though I suspect he knows exactly how wrong it was and that is reason behind his super defensive attitude toward you.)
It's just plain not okay for him to do that.
It's also bizarre for him to tell her she has to "be nice all the time".
She's three years old, and I don't know a single person of any age that is nice all the time.
It sounds as if he is desperately in need of some info about what is age appropriate.
I wouldn't advise leaving the child with him until he is more stable with her.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
There are two separate issues, and its not helping your argument to blur them.
His expectations and treatment of his three year old daughter are innapropriate.
That is one issue.
And you are correct to address that issue in the moment.
It is absolutely correct to bring this to his attention as it occurs, and stand up for your dd.
The contrast you see between the way he treats his two daughters is a VERY serious and deep reaching problem,
and needs to be approached with a lot of sensitivity and care,
because he will totally shut down and refuse to see it unless it is brought up carefully and in a calm moment,
when you have lots of time and space to examine it together.
And not only that, but you need to sort out your own feelings and perceptions about it a little bit before you broach it.
If you try to tackle both these issues in the same heated moment, you will not make headway with either one.


Yeah, I agree with both these statements.
I've been there when my husband and I come up on opposite sides of the GD argument.
I believe in GD, but am far from perfect.
He is getting good at it, too, but it took a lot of education.

I just want to offer comfort and support to you, OP.


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## sunshine's mama (Mar 3, 2007)

Quote:



Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa*


Wow. It sounds like a knee jerk reaction out of frustration and anger, and it was totally inappropriate. For him to have done it sucks, but for him to refuse to admit it was wrong is the real problem. (Though I suspect he knows exactly how wrong it was and that is reason behind his super defensive attitude toward you.)

It's just plain not okay for him to do that. It's also bizarre for him to tell her she has to "be nice all the time". She's three years old, and I don't know a single person of any age that is nice all the time. It sounds as if he is desperately in need of some info about what is age appropriate. I wouldn't advise leaving the child with him until he is more stable with her.


I hope he knows how wrong it is......and that's why he was being so defensive....I really do....Dd did turn her head away when he tried to kiss her goodnight....and yes, how can a 3yo be nice all the time????? I don't think I know ANYONE who is nice all the time....

Age appropriateness has always seemed to go over his head.

As for leaving him with her, that very RARELY happens.....alot of my good friends moved when they got married or were transfered for work so it's very rare I get out and have to leave her with him. When I did this when she was little, he would just put her in the bouncy seat or swing and be near her but not with her.....So I just stopped doing it....

Quote:



Originally Posted by *mamaduck*


There are two separate issues, and its not helping your argument to blur them. His expectations and treatment of his three year old daughter are innapropriate. That is one issue. And you are correct to address that issue in the moment. It is absolutely correct to bring this to his attention as it occurs, and stand up for your dd.

The contrast you see between the way he treats his two daughters is a VERY serious and deep reaching problem, and needs to be approached with a lot of sensitivity and care, because he will totally shut down and refuse to see it unless it is brought up carefully and in a calm moment, when you have lots of time and space to examine it together. And not only that, but you need to sort out your own feelings and perceptions about it a little bit before you broach it.

If you try to tackle both these issues in the same heated moment, you will not make headway with either one.


I usually try not to bring up the 2 separate issues in one moment but it just sorta came out bc I was sooo shocked at what had just happened. DD stood up for herself right before I did it for her. She said, "dont' ever do that again daddy....ever" and then I chimed in...when she was on my lap huggin me.....I didn't raise my voice ONLY bc she was huggin me and it wasnt' appropriate to do so with her in the room.

I have brought up the other issue when we were both calm and I am not the only person to have brought this issue up with him (regarding the distinct different treatments of children)....my mother (fwiw), his mother and some of our mutual good friends have all mentioned it to him here and there....

I know how I feel about it and sorted my feelings out about it awhile ago....but apparently the different treatment is all my fault of course....which is how he sees it...He's right...I'm wrong, it's my fault....

Quote:



Originally Posted by *elizawill*


it sounds like your post is a lot more about your marriage and your stepdaughter than the actual incident you described. that's just my observation though. sounds like you have some serious resentment against your stepdaughter.


I don't habor any resentment towards my stepdaughter save only the fact that during the 5 days she is here (we get her 5 days, mom has her 5 days), dd is basically put on the back burner.....and she is starting to notice this. She notices all the time daddy spends with her sister and not with her, she notices that every night her sister gets a super long story (usually an entire harry potty chapter) at bedtime and when daddy comes back downstairs she brings him a book or two (usually goodnight moon or along those lines) he's too busy to read it to her bc he has to do other things.....it upsets her. He told me that she can come in and listen to the Harry Potty but HELLO? She's 3...No harry potter...The few times I did allow it she would come back downstairs in tears bc she was kicked out by her sister and her father bc she wasn't sitting quietly and listening to it....AND DADDY EXPECTED HER TO.....even though her sister didn't sit through more than 4 pages of anhything at the same age....

I do resent the fact that such favortism is so blatent in the house....and the fact that he fails to see it. When I have brought it up, I havent brought it up forcefully or with those exact words, just as dd is starting to notice these things.....

My stepdaughter is the reason I wanted to have children of my own. Until I met her, I never wanted my own children, other ppls children were fine but it wasn't for me...but then I met her and I wanted my own....it's just the past 2 years her behavior has gotten way out of control in more ways than one and everyone sees it but Dh.....she has no respect for others, others things, gets her way 100% of the time and is used to it so when she is told no, she meltsdown.....she's never had any boundries and it's not my place as the stepparent to enforce those boundries, esp if I am the only one doing that. BUT.....I do it when dd's safety is of concern.....

Quote:



Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa*


I'd say the resentment is more about the way her Dh seems to be reacting so differently to his daughters rather than it being against the girl herself. Either way, I agree with Mamaduck that there are two issues involved. Both important though...


thanks!!!! it isn't towards the girl herself.....

Quote:



Originally Posted by *grypx831*


What about some sourt of therapy/counceling? It sounds like there is definately something going on there. My life isnt' exactly sunshine and roses but if somebody pushed my daughter onto her face I'd be on the news.


I have suggested family counseling for the sd issue but her mother won't agree to it so we are unable to do it. Her mother agrees that there are issues but the issues aren't big enough to warrent any type of counseling so she won't agree to let us take her.....Dh is almost as unwilling to go to saying that he doesn't see the issues/differences when dsd is here and when she is not....HOW CAN HE NOT SEE THE TENSION IS GONE WHEN SHE ISN'T HERE??

Quote:



Originally Posted by *wytchywoman*


I am so sorry. I agree that there is more than one issue here that needs to be resolved. I think the first priority needs to be with your DD's safety and if you need to leave to see that then perhaps that what you need to do, at least temporarily, until he gets the point. Counseling may help with the DSD issues but it won't with this one. He needs to get it into his head that he must keep his hands to himself. She could have suffered a concussion from what he did and that is so far beyond not OK there really are no words to express it. I hope you can find some way to work things out. ((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you and your DD.


I can't leave. I have nowhere to go....and with baby due any day now, I dont want to disrupt dd's life any more than it is...He usually comes home, we have dinner, he does what he needs to do, dd asks to play with him so he may for a bit before getting frustrated with her and then he goes to bed. The only difference is when dsd is here is all the time he will spend one on one with her and then goes to bed.

She (dd) went into the bathroom and looked at her red mark and came back out and made him say he was sorry.....so he did....but still rationalized it away to me....Yes, I am not a perfect parent, but I would never push her down...ESPECIALLY from a standing position!!!

Quote:



Originally Posted by *elizawill*


i wouldn't tolerate anyone pushing my dd to the floor - not even her daddy.

my only point is - her frustration is much more than what just happened. she's furious about much more than her dd being pushed to the floor tonight....and that's worth addressing imo. the stepdaughter is only 7 years old. i'm sure she picks up on stepmom's frustration, because if it's obvious to me - it probably is obvious to her as well.

honestly -- it sounds like the husband sucks - but we all agree on that....so i was trying to go beyond it.


The frustration is obvious in the post bc of the way my words read.....and the frustration came out when typing bc it had just happened and I had to get on here to talk about it so I didnt start yelling at daddy in front of my little girl. I've learned to keep the frustration at bay when dsd is here bc it's not fair to her bc it's not all her fault...She has been taught that the things she does and how she acts is perfectly fine by both her parents (her mother recently told us she was wrong in letting her do this or that or teaching her this or that but she only told us that bc she is having issues with dsd being pretty mean to her sister over there too....and it came to a head apparently...so she said...we have an amicable relationship so it's not been all that bad...). I wait until she is in bed or out playing with friends to bring things up with Dh when they need brought up. It's the best I can do.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *momz3*


Hi there...I think I gave you advice earlier on your baby movement. I don't really have any advice..just wanted to offer a







.
Your poor dd











You did mama....My MW never called me back but one of the OB's I actually like did...they had me do an official kick count and I didn't get the number they liked (one below) so I ran to the office for a quick peek and heart tone listen.....He told me that she looked fine, cord looked fine and that her heart tones were lower than they usually were but still within the ok range....call back in the am before my appt if I need to....Told me to stay hydrated bc of the heat and keep stress at bay....One of two accomplished....I'll update that other post after my appointment.....feels like she is tuggin on my cervix right now....cheeky little girl.....

As for the others who posted, I want to thank you for the hugs, advice and support....

He went up to bed around 9ish to read a bit and dd curled up next to me here on the sofa and is currently sound asleep with her hand on her baby sister bc she said that she has better dreams when her hand is there...She has her best dreams she says when her hand is on a yummy but she said since they hurt now her baby sister will do.....She's such a sweet little girl and is soooooo extroverted....and I think that's the main issue....

Dsd spent most of her life in front of tv, videos etc.....she is completly unable to occupy herself without an adult telling her to go read a book, color etc....I contributed to this bc I didnt know better.....and when anyone tried to play with her one on one she didnt like it....still doesn't all that much except for story time....very introverted....

DD watches tv here or there but will occupy herself all day if I would let her.....but she loves one on one play......very extra extroverted and I dont think he knows how to deal with that after so many years with a child who is the complete opposite....NOT THAT THAT'S AN EXCUSE.....just something I started thinking about earlier....

However, I told him in no uncertain terms was he ever to do that again!!!!


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Well, I don't know how popular this advice will be, but here it is.

You have a relationship with dh. You have a relationship with dd. You have a relationship with dsd. That's your concern. It sounds like you're a little too involved in everybody else's relationship, and that's not healthy.

Maybe I read your post wrong, but did you really bring up your concerns with his favoritism in front of your dd? That seems very ill-advised. And you say that you like your dsd, but then you say this:

"I also told him that I had NEVER seen him treat her older sister like that the entire time I have known him (since she was 2.5, she's now 7.5)...NEVER once did I see him smack a hand, smack a butt, push her down, never a consequence for her behavior (spits out food, treats her little sister like pond scum, treats me like pond scum, when she was 5 she would intentionally pull her pants down and pee on my mother's living room sofa or in a corner in the living room when we would visit and never once did he ever say anything to her about how wrong/inappropriate it was......) but he is soooo quick to punish our child together...."

It sounds to me like you wish he would punish HER. Maybe he spends extra time with her because he feels bad that you don't like her. Maybe he just clicks with her more than he does with your dd. Either way, I don't think it's any of your business. Yes, he shouldn't have pushed your dd down. He apologized, let him move on.

Now, before you think I'm getting all high and mighty, I'll tell you how I got this perspective. One particularly stressful morning, my dh spanked my dd. I was livid, I yelled at him and told him he had better go and tell her he was sorry RIGHT NOW! Basically treated him with no respect, and we had a big fight about it where he brought up the times that I have spanked her. So he went to work, I called my sister to complain about him, and she said, "Well, why were you so rude to him? What would you have said if your friend had told you she has spanked her daughter? Wouldn't you be sympathetic and say, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, you must be having a terrible day! How can I help?"


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## Fiverdoe (Jul 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
it sounds like your post is a lot more about your marriage and your stepdaughter than the actual incident you described. that's just my observation though. sounds like you have some serious resentment against your stepdaughter.









:

Yes, there is far more below the surface here.... you need to break things down and try figure out what is really going on before things get even more out of hand.


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## GradysMom (Jan 7, 2007)

Hugs to your dd... his behavior was just gross, and congats to you for pointing it out. It is totally ok and important for you to see these things and call him out...

that being said I here a lot of stress for everyone... dh, dd and you... and the stepdaughter.

Is it possible he is embarrsed by stepdaughter and takes it out on dd - wanting her to "come out differently"

Being on the phone with one and dealing with the other must have been quite a "trigger" for him as he is obviously reacting diff "all of a sudden". He is trying really hard to talk to a disconnected 7.5 dd while a 3 year old is smoothering him with attention - which was prob magnifiying the crazy 7.5 dd behavior on the phone... just a thought kwim...

Maybe time for family counseling?


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## Meg_s (Apr 13, 2006)

I was the one who was treated unfairly/poorly in our large family, where my sisters could get away with murder. It affected me for life.. I really hope you can get things worked out. <hug> This must be so hard for you and your dd!!


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
I'm sorry but if someone did that to my daughter and did not see anything wrong with it, I would leave.









:

It's one thing to make a huge mistake like that and realize it and be horrified and devastated. Quite another for a grown man to think shoving a three year old to the floor is ok







:


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## sunshine's mama (Mar 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah* 
Well, I don't know how popular this advice will be, but here it is.

You have a relationship with dh. You have a relationship with dd. You have a relationship with dsd. That's your concern. It sounds like you're a little too involved in everybody else's relationship, and that's not healthy.

Maybe I read your post wrong, but did you really bring up your concerns with his favoritism in front of your dd? That seems very ill-advised. And you say that you like your dsd, but then you say this:

"I also told him that I had NEVER seen him treat her older sister like that the entire time I have known him (since she was 2.5, she's now 7.5)...NEVER once did I see him smack a hand, smack a butt, push her down, never a consequence for her behavior (spits out food, treats her little sister like pond scum, treats me like pond scum, when she was 5 she would intentionally pull her pants down and pee on my mother's living room sofa or in a corner in the living room when we would visit and never once did he ever say anything to her about how wrong/inappropriate it was......) but he is soooo quick to punish our child together...."

It sounds to me like you wish he would punish HER. Maybe he spends extra time with her because he feels bad that you don't like her. Maybe he just clicks with her more than he does with your dd. Either way, I don't think it's any of your business. Yes, he shouldn't have pushed your dd down. He apologized, let him move on.

Now, before you think I'm getting all high and mighty, I'll tell you how I got this perspective. One particularly stressful morning, my dh spanked my dd. I was livid, I yelled at him and told him he had better go and tell her he was sorry RIGHT NOW! Basically treated him with no respect, and we had a big fight about it where he brought up the times that I have spanked her. So he went to work, I called my sister to complain about him, and she said, "Well, why were you so rude to him? What would you have said if your friend had told you she has spanked her daughter? Wouldn't you be sympathetic and say, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, you must be having a terrible day! How can I help?"

I LIKE MY STEPDAUGHTER......I have NEVER stated that I didn't.....I DO NOT like the fact that she can treat her sister like pond scum (take her toys, rip her books, never share a single thing with her little sister...even things that are bought for both of them, push her, almost slam fingers in doors) and nothing is said or anything about it.....Just a "you shouldn't do that" as dsd smirks in the background. So YES, there are times when I am frustrated beyond means with her and the behavior that hasn't changed in years, I think anyone else in my particular situation would be too...

I DID NOT bring up the favortism while dd was in the room with me. She has moved on to another room after the cat....I almost did but caught myself.

Once again, I DO LIKE my stepdaughter, I just don't like the fact that dd is punished for normal 3yo behavior so quickly and sternly by her father and her stepsister just gets a you shouldn't do that (while she rolls her eyes and ignores it).....IT'S NOT RIGHT, NOR IS IT FAIR....You can't expect a 3yo to act like a 7.5yo can you?????

Sure, he may CLICK as you say with one child more than the other and I do get that.....BUT CLICKING WITH ONE CHILD TO THE EXCLUSION OF THE OTHER IS WRONG and that is what's happening.....I don't think you would be happy if your DH spent ALL his time with one of your children and excluded your other children from the picture ALL THE TIME......

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GradysMom* 
Hugs to your dd... his behavior was just gross, and congats to you for pointing it out. It is totally ok and important for you to see these things and call him out...

that being said I here a lot of stress for everyone... dh, dd and you... and the stepdaughter.

Is it possible he is embarrsed by stepdaughter and takes it out on dd - wanting her to "come out differently"

Being on the phone with one and dealing with the other must have been quite a "trigger" for him as he is obviously reacting diff "all of a sudden". He is trying really hard to talk to a disconnected 7.5 dd while a 3 year old is smoothering him with attention - which was prob magnifiying the crazy 7.5 dd behavior on the phone... just a thought kwim...

Maybe time for family counseling?

From what I have heard from friends and family, it is totally possible that he is wanting our child, dd, to come out differently than his first bc he sees that just letting her do as she pleases all this time has ended up not right, the consequences of it and all.....

I don't believe dsd is disconnected in any way, shape, or form....she is totally connected to him....it's our child together that's disconnected. And she wasn't "smothering" him with attention while he was on the phone....She went over to give him a hug and talk to her sister on the phone bc he said it's time to call her so she ran giggling to get the phone, handed it to him and was sad she didn't get to talk first like he said she could and that's when she pushed a button on the phone....BEHAVIOR I would totally expect from a 3yo who was told they could do something and then not have it happen without explanation....

Dsd didn't seem too concerned about what was going on....her phone convos with him at night consist of him asking her what she's doing a few times bc she's watching tv, asking her to speak up bc he can't hear her and endining with something along the lines of "well, i just wanted to see how your day went and say goodnight....." and that's that...the whole thing lasts maybe 2 minutes unless he lets dd talk to her.....







then she walks around and chats....She had just left here that afternoon after being here for 5 days. She will be with her mom until Monday afternoon then she will be back here for a few days, and then for the weekend through wednesday....

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Meg_s* 
I was the one who was treated unfairly/poorly in our large family, where my sisters could get away with murder. It affected me for life.. I really hope you can get things worked out. <hug> This must be so hard for you and your dd!!

thank you......

************************************************** ********

Yes, I do have separate relationships with each family memeber but we have a relationship as a whole family too......and when 1 family member keeps getting shoved aside on a regular basis it affects everyone and me the most bc she is my child. I don't believe I am overly involved in everyone else's lives....I've been less and less involved bc it took too much emotional energy and I was just done.....

If dsd wants to come over here and ignore her sister completly or be mean to her, she's just missing out is how I see it these days....She went to hug dd the other day and dd pushed her away.....and she got upset.....Dh was actually home when this happened and mentioned to her that he was sad to see that but that is how she treats her little sister and it was only a matter of time before her little sister treated her like that......I spose he's of the mind of if he doesn't see it, it doesn't happen.....If dsd wants to spit out her food (her mom said it's ok and has told us that in those words) that's fine and dandy but she WILL NOT do it in front of her little sister bc then her little sister thinks it's ok....Dh has actually adressed this with her....

I would love to do some sort of family counseling but it's hard when dsd's mom is 100% against it (even though she agrees that her child does have some issues and they are starting to pop up more and more at her house), Dh thinks nothing is wrong so it's all me......and that's where I am at.....

This thread though has gotten way off tangent and I am sorry I ever mentioned my SD in it.....that's for the other forum....

This was more about how shocked I was at his actions towards his youngest child, who he rarely spends any one on one time with and how I didn't know what to do about it.....or how to go about doing it....

I appreciate everyone's insight...I really do....and thanks so much!!!


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Oh my...


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Wow...I am stunned beyond belief by all of the responses that seem to be condoning his behaviour. He assaulted a 3 year old! If a woman came on here and said that her husband pushed her to the floor onto her face everyone would be telling her that she need to get out now! They'd be telling her to go to a domestic violence shelter. When will we as a society be as shocked and horrified by the assault of a child as we are about the assault of a wife or another adult? Why is it so commonplace in our society to assault children that we say, "Well I guess he was frustrated." So if a husband pushes his wife to the floor and she smacks her head on the floor is it all right to just say, "Well he must have been frustrated." No way! This man already basically ignores his daughter (emotional abuse) and now has assaulted her. I would be watching VERY closely and any more physical altercations I'd be gone. I would also insist that he changes how he treats her. You cannot believe the damage it does to a child to be second best and basically ignored by their dad (ask me how I know). It makes me so sad to hear of people staying with a spouse and justifying abuse of their child when the spouse isn't willing to seek help and admit that they are wrong.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I agree Heavenly. It is completely unacceptable.


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

ITA Heavenly!


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## guestmama9916 (Jun 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heavenly* 
Wow...I am stunned beyond belief by all of the responses that seem to be condoning his behaviour. He assaulted a 3 year old! If a woman came on here and said that her husband pushed her to the floor onto her face everyone would be telling her that she need to get out now! They'd be telling her to go to a domestic violence shelter. When will we as a society be as shocked and horrified by the assault of a child as we are about the assault of a wife or another adult? Why is it so commonplace in our society to assault children that we say, "Well I guess he was frustrated." So if a husband pushes his wife to the floor and she smacks her head on the floor is it all right to just say, "Well he must have been frustrated." No way! This man already basically ignores his daughter (emotional abuse) and now has assaulted her. I would be watching VERY closely and any more physical altercations I'd be gone. I would also insist that he changes how he treats her. You cannot believe the damage it does to a child to be second best and basically ignored by their dad (ask me how I know). It makes me so sad to hear of people staying with a spouse and justifying abuse of their child when the spouse isn't willing to seek help and admit that they are wrong.











From reading the OP's posts this sounds like an emotionally abusive and now a physically abusive relationship that her DD has with her dad. If the cycle doesn't stop, her DD will grow up and seek men out that do the same things to her and she just might be in a situation like her mom is in... no place to go, no money. OP, do you really want that for your DD? Chances are, your DH is emotionally abusing you too. I highly recommend the book The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It was a real eye opener for me after I left my emotionally abusive relationship. If you do not leave, counselling is a must. You don't need your DSD to go to counseling with you. Just you and your DH need to go. Don't make the same mistake I did and stay in an unhealthy relationship like this for 13 years. Its time to take action NOW.


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## wytchywoman (Nov 14, 2006)

OP, I just had one other thing I wanted to say in regards to counseling. DSD doesn't even need to be involved at this point. The real problem lies in that your DH has some parenting issues going on that he won't even acknowledge are there, for both DSD and your DD together. It doesn't matter whether DSD sets foot in a counselors office or not, your DH needs to go. If he won't go then at least go yourself to give you some perspective on how to deal with all this stress in your life. I know you are getting ready to have a baby so perhaps it is better to wait until you have recovered some, but later on down the road I would look into a counselor for yourself and maybe if your DH sees you being committed to a healthy family perhaps he will follow suit. If not, then at least you have someone to help you bounce around some options.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

I just wanted to add a hug -- it sounds like you are in a very difficult and stressful position and I am so sorry you are going through this. What your husband did was unacceptable and we all agree on that. Everyone deserves to feel safe and I can feel the pain in your posts with this situation.

Have you tried to talk to your stepdaughter about your vision for the family? I am not suggesting bringing your marriage issues into it at all!! However, maybe it would help if you sat down together and talked about how difficult it must be to live two seperate places...empathize with her about wanting her father's attention after not seeing him for 5 days, explain to her that her little sister is too young to understand that and ask her what she needs? I don't mean to the exclusion of your 3yo daughter, I mean in addition to honoring your 3yo.

Perhaps your stepdaughter sees things a lot differently. Maybe she is so sad/jealous/insecure about the fact that her sister gets to spend every day with their daddy and she doesn't get to and that might bring up a lot of negative feelings -- remember, people don't see things as they always are, and a seven year old doesn't have the capability of thinking to herself "well gee, I am favored so that is cool" - she probably has some feelings toward not being the one who lives with their daddy full-time.

Maybe you could work something out where dsd and their daddy spend some alone time together the first day she gets there every time she visits so they can both reconnect. Perhaps your husband too, feels like he has to "make up for lost time" or "make it up to her" or something because he is not part of her life (physically) for five days and feels the need to reconnect.

REMINDER: I am NOT AT ALL CONDONING HIS BEHAVIOR TOWARD YOUR 3yo.

However, perhaps you can calmly bring up these issues -- perhaps you can open up a dialogue that doesn't involve blame or accusations or whatever. I am not saying he is not at fault, out of line, or unfair -- but I am suggesting that people are more receptive to exploring situations when they feel they can communicate and are being communicated to in a respectful way. Maybe something like, "I have been thinking.... it would be hard for me to spend 5 days on/off with dd -- do you think it would help you reconnect with dsd if you had some alone time on the first day she got here?" and also, "you know, I really want the girls to love eachother and feel like family and I know a blended family causes some unique issues.. can we brainstorm some ideas that would help both girls feel loved/honored/respected?"

As far as your 3yo, it does sound like he doesn't have a clue about age appropriate behavior and that should be addressed. Is he willing to read any books or articles concerning age appropriate behavior? As far as the anger issue, knocking her down was completely out of line -- completely. I don't know what I would do in that situation but it would be the last time it happened. I think you have made it clear to him that it is unacceptable, but perhaps there could be a calm discussion about tools he can use to better express his frustration or coping mechanisms he can learn when he is overwhelmed. You can validate someones feelings without condoning their actions. "*I understand you felt overwhelmed and frustrated, but it is in no way, shape or form, EVER, under ANY circumstances acceptable to put your hands on dd*. I would be more than happy to work together on solutions that meet your need for uninterrupted time on the phone with dsd. Perhaps he could talk to dsd in another room and come out when he wants to give his 3yo daughter the phone. Perhaps 3yo could talk to her first, get it out of her system, then you could engage her the rest of the time she is on the phone.

I do think that the comment about leaving because she had to be nice all the time was really emotionally manipulative and how sad that your daughter trailed behind him promising to be nice







. That is something I would address too. If someone is being too rough with my body, I am entitled to leave a situation and so is your husband -- HOWEVER, and this is a big HOWEVER -- the emotionally manipulative nature of his comments are what bother me a lot. Rather than "you" are the reason I am leaving, husband needs to make his boundaries clear. "I love you dd, but I like to be treated gently. I am asking you to please treat me gently." If she continues to be rough, I have said to my daughter -- "I am going to get up now to protect my body. I will be happy to play some more, but I need my body respected." She is 26 m onths and gets this. I see a big difference in the two situations -- I am not shaming her, putting conditions on my love, or telling her she has to act a certain way (like I believe your husband did) -- I am stating the boundaries of my body clearly and without shame and what I am willing to let someone do to my body... Maybe your husband just doesn't have the tools to communicate his needs or how to handle frustration?

Please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying 'oh your poor misunderstood husband who never does wrong or acts inappropriately' It is clear he has some issues -- but do you think he is a horrible person who wants to cause your daughter pain? That is a serious question, I am not asking in a snarky way -- if you think that he is basically a good, decent guy who loves his children but doesn't have the tools to meet his needs/wants in a way that honors others as well (a lot of people have issues with this) -- then there is something to work with.

I do feel however, that might doesn't make right -- in any situation -- not with your husband pushing your daughter, not with you fighting with him, not with anything -- so since you are the only one who can control your own words and actions, I am giving you the advice ---

As far as the way your stepdaughter treats your natural daughter, well, I think it is fully within your rights to advocate for your daughter. I realize that you may not feel it is your place to discipline dsd (and I agree for the time being, I think it would only create more resentful feelings all around) ... you DO however, have a right to advocate for your daughter and her right to feel safe in her home. The next time she begins treating dd like poopy or tearing up her things -- calmly and rationally remove your daughter's things and say "dsd, dd loves to play with you and to share her things (provided she does lol) however, I will not allow you to destroy them." Don't lecture, yell, engage in a big power struggle -- just let that be that, remove the toys, then move on --- If she gets angry, that's fine -- repeat it like a robot "ded, dd loves to share her toys but I will not allow you to destroy them" then add.... but would you like to ______ (go outside, make cookies, blow bubbles, whatever)" --- drop it. Believe me, you aren't "rewarding" inappropriate behavior, you are meeting your need (to advocate for dd and to keep her things in tact), dsd is getting a logical consequence (she can't destroy dd's things and is welcome to play with them if she is respectful) -- but you aren't shaming her or *punishing* her, you are not creating a huge deal out of it -- just simply, okay, let's do something else fun if you don't feel you can play with the toys without destroying them...

If she treats dd like "pond scum", I don't really have examples so I don't know exactly what you mean. I am assuming she is treating dd in a manner which creates a lack of harmony between them. Have you read *Siblings Without Rivalry?" I haven't, as we only have one child so far but I hear it is good (it is recommended in this forum)... A lot of her treatment of your dd may very well be the expression of jealousy/anger/insecurity at the fact that dd lives in the home full-time with *her* dad (I know he is their dad but you get my point). Those are very natural and valid feelings and she shouldn't be shamed for them -- HOWEVER, your daughter deserves to feel safe and to be treated with a level of respect and for the time being I think it would be best to just be present as much as you can so you can mediate between them --

I will ask this gently: Is it possible that as much as your husband favors his first daughter, you favor your 3yo? Is it possible that the 7yo picks up on this? No judgments, I think it is a natural feeling, especially if you feel 3yo is getting the short end of the stick --- just something to explore... Even though your not dsd mama, she may feel left out/jealous/insecure of not only "sharing" her father -- but of the love and attention you give your natural daughter? She may be craving love from you (not that you don't care for her, but she may see the clear differences between your love for her and your 3yo.) I am not saying it is intentional on your part, and it is certainly a natural feeling -- but something to be explored within yourself --

As far as your husband, well honestly there is not much you can do, as you cannot control another person or their actions. You can define your boundaries and advocate for your daughter and model interactions that you desire --- perhaps if he sees more and more successful and peaceful interactions between dd/dsd/you and even him, he will begin to model what he sees *working.*

There is good news and bad news. The bad news is, you are the only one who can change the situation, because you are the only one you can control. The good news is, you are the only one who can change the situation because you are the only one you can control.

There is hope here, despite the completely unacceptable thing your husband did. There is always hope. It begins with you.

Sending love mama *hugs*


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## SneakyPie (Jan 13, 2002)

What a difficult situation. I am sorry you are all in it. I know you have to have the baby first, but oh my lord something has to change. Gotta either get things changed through counseling, or gotta get out of there without making any more babies with him.


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## lawgrrl (Nov 8, 2004)

I have to say to the OP that after reading your posts, the person for whom I felt the most sympathy is your DSD. She's only 7.5, yet in her brief life her parents have separated/divorced, both remarried, both started new families and are now constantly shuffling her back and forth so that both mom and dad can feel like they're getting "equal time." Honestly not much of a shock to me that her behavior has deteriorated over the past few years and that she has done a lot of acting out with you and your DD.

And the OP's DH? Riddled with deep seated guilt, no doubt, perhaps even subconsciously. DD1 is obviously struggling with so many difficult transitions in her life, while DD2 and now DD3 (on the way) will have *her* Daddy all of the time while she has him 1/2 time. How could DH not feel bad for DD1 and want to try to make it better for her?

There are no easy answers here, but I suggest that the OP and her DH get into counseling ASAP to try and address their individual feelings and those of DD1. These issues can have substantial long-term effects, for all of you. Trust me, I know, as I am/was DD2 and my family's sad and tragic epic journey of divorce and remarriage led me to become a family law attorney.


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## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

Quote:

I also told him that I had NEVER seen him treat her older sister like that the entire time I have known him (since she was 2.5, she's now 7.5)...NEVER once did I see him smack a hand, smack a butt, push her down, never a consequence for her behavior (spits out food, treats her little sister like pond scum, treats me like pond scum, when she was 5 she would intentionally pull her pants down and pee on my mother's living room sofa or in a corner in the living room when we would visit and never once did he ever say anything to her about how wrong/inappropriate it was......) but he is soooo quick to punish our child together....
Just my thoughts that he's trying to prevent this from happening again and is hoping a rougher approach will work.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lawgrrl* 
I have to say to the OP that after reading your posts, the person for whom I felt the most sympathy is your DSD. She's only 7.5, yet in her brief life her parents have separated/divorced, both remarried, both started new families and are now constantly shuffling her back and forth so that both mom and dad can feel like they're getting "equal time." Honestly not much of a shock to me that her behavior has deteriorated over the past few years and that she has done a lot of acting out with you and your DD.

And the OP's DH? Riddled with deep seated guilt, no doubt, perhaps even subconsciously. DD1 is obviously struggling with so many difficult transitions in her life, while DD2 and now DD3 (on the way) will have *her* Daddy all of the time while she has him 1/2 time. How could DH not feel bad for DD1 and want to try to make it better for her?

There are no easy answers here, but I suggest that the OP and her DH get into counseling ASAP to try and address their individual feelings and those of DD1. These issues can have substantial long-term effects, for all of you. Trust me, I know, as I am/was DD2 and my family's sad and tragic epic journey of divorce and remarriage led me to become a family law attorney.

Where in the world did you get the idea that her DH is riddled with guilt? He doesn't even seem to care a)that he is emotionally distant from his younger daughter and b) that he physically assaulted her! And the OP has explained many times the situation with her DSD but I think people are just projecting their feelings into the situation. Where is the rule written that if a child has divorced parents they are allowed to behave horribly with no consequence? Are you reading different posts from the OP than I am? The fact that her parents are divorced does not give her the right to behave atrociously. And this little 3 year old certainly does not deserve to suffer because DSD parents are divorced.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

First a hug for you and dd

Second... my two cents. First chucking her to the grown is NOT OK EVER!! Let alone to continue to ignore her cries for attention from her father. 3 year olds are just that, 3. Not 13. What can he really expect from her? I can see yelling, sometimes lossing your temper, maybe swatting her hand out of frustration and regretting it later... but he doesnt regret it, he not only asulted her but then he ignored her when all she wanted to do is love him. That would bother me the most. I could not be with anyone that treated a human being like that, let alone my baby.


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## sunshine's mama (Mar 3, 2007)

Morning.

I so want to reply to some of the posts right now but we were at the hospital late for a long NST for the baby.....DD did fantastic and I am happy that she did so so she can be at the birth like she wants...She was sooo sweet...fluffed my pillow, asked if i liked how baby sister's heartrate looked and patted the belly and gave it kisses telling her to cook longer......

It was nice for Dh to see bc he thought she would be horrible and into everything bc when our Doula brought over all the massage tools to try em out last week she was in toy heaven. The Doula let her play with what we weren't using and Dh told me later that he didn't want dd at the birth bc she wasn't listening while the doula was here.....yeah, she's 3 and the doula said it was fine.....So, after last night, he thinks she'll be ok...

But I need to lay down for awhile to see if baby girl will move her bum down a bit so I can get a few things done today that require leaning over......a bit of laundry, playing with dd and replying here when I get the time....She's not letting me do it now.....LOL

Heavenly.....thank you.

Oh, I do want to reply to the person who said to stop making babies with this person...maybe I took it the wrong way....but I need to say this anyways...

This baby girl was not planned....not that she isn't wanted, she is very wanted. We were told for 2 years that there would be no more babies without help from the outside and $$$$$$$$$....it took a long time to get over the fact that she would be my only.....but with how my body works I was told it wouldn't happen without the drugs and the IVF, IUI whatnot.....I was on Ortho Evra to help with the hormones a bit and they believe that it was that that allowed me to get pregnant..it regulated them just enough and by just, I was told just and voila.....baby girl......and we are both happy about it and can't wait to meet her.


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## yokosmile (Apr 22, 2007)

Quote:

I have to say to the OP that after reading your posts, the person for whom I felt the most sympathy is your DSD.
Not the 3 year old child who was assaulted by her own father? Okies, then.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunshine's mama* 
She was just playing with him and got a tad rough and he said, "Ok, bye...Im leaving..." and she is trailing after him saying, "No, daddy..I'll be nice" and he said, "but you have to be nice all the time".











I'm sorry OP, let me calm down and then I will be able to offer you some advice (Mama Bear instinct kicking in)

You hurt DS you hurt ME.

And I do NOT believe this is "more about your marriage and your SD"







:


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
I'm sorry but if someone did that to my daughter and did not see anything wrong with it, I would leave.


I have to say that if this is ongoing behavior that I too would leave if he did not start waking up and making changes. It made me cry to think of your three year old being treated so harshly compared to her siblings.


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## kikidee (Apr 15, 2007)

I just want to give the OP big hugs. I was heartbroken thinking about DH talking to our DD the way you described. ***hugs***

There ARE a lot of issues going on, but I think the one that you should address first is DH's treatment of your daughter. It does sound like there is a lot going on with the step-daughter and all that, but I don't think that excuses your DH's behavior. That is just my opinion, for what it's worth.

Hang in there- and please keep us posted!! You will be in my thoughts.


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## barefoot mama (Apr 30, 2006)

OMG......your post makes my heart hurt.









How very sad and scary for your dd and for you, and probably for dsd as well. I do agree that something about your dh's behavior MUST change. It's simply never OK to behave like that, especially when coupled with a refusal to recognize that a serious mistake was made.

I'm sorry you are facing such a difficult situation.


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