# Is it wrong to just want to be a mom?



## 3_opihi (Jan 10, 2003)

So here I sit, inching into my mid twenties with two wonderfully beautiful inspiring sons and a loving husband. I truly feel fufilled. I hope I am lucky enough to have more children someday. And yet, part of me says, no, this is wrong. I feel like society says, you're too young for all this. You should've finished college first, worked a while, discovered yourself- who you *really* are, before you had children and a family.

But what if *discovering* myself meant becoming a mother? What if the true inspiration in my life was raising children? Having a family. What if the meaning of my life is to raise my children in the healthiest most loving setting possible? Why does our society assume I couldn't do that unless I complete a certain list of prerequisites first?

One of the biggest things I struggle with in parenting is the fact that I feel like people are constantly making assumptions about my parenting skills, marital status, or hopes in life (ie. so when are you going back to school?) because of my age. I'm tired of the constant remarks. "Are those your children? Ooh wow. Young mom."

I'm sorry but I would never go up to an older mother and say, "Are those your children? Ooh wow. Old mom." Its hurtful, and inconsiderate.

I'm tired of having to defend my right to have a family. I wish people would think before they speak. I wish American culture would change so that *any family* would be accepted. I wish people didn't have to fit into a certain set of ideals to be deemed okay. I wish women - mothers- of all ages and races, marital statuses and socioeconomical backgrounds could just be accepted as mothers. For what they really are, instead of having to be put into different groups. Our is experience is so much more the same than different, right?

I'm losing my train of thought now. I just wanted to write something as I wait up, at 2 in the morning, watching to see if my 10 month old will barf in his sleep again.
uke

Is anyone else in this boat with me? Anyone else getting harrassed for putting their "life" (hee, hee) on hold, while raising their children? Anyone else want to stand tall in their decision to just be a mom? I guess thats kind of what "mothering" stands for, but come on! Stand up with me anyway!!


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## Susana (Feb 26, 2002)

mamamaya, I like your post! You sound like a cool person to me!








I was 25 when I had my son, 27 when I had my daughter. I never finished college because I figured out what I really really wanted was to get married and have my babies. So that's what I did!
I remember my ob telling me when I was pg with number 2, he said (and he was being positive), you are so young. Having 2 so close together will be cake for you. And you'll be in your 40s when they're teenagers!
He made me feel good with those comments.

I know what you mean about people wondering when you'll get back on your career track. I used to get that too, and I used to think well, what the heck can I go to college to be so I can impress other people? I couldn't think of anything, besides I was digging being a mom.
It sounds cliche, but as I got older I started to think more along the lines of why the hell do I care what other people think of me being "only a mom". I'm a great mom! They all know it too. I only really care what my kids think of me, kwim? I have plenty of time when they are grown to think of some other thing to do. Right now I am 100% dedicated to them. I think you can include me in your standing tall and proud as a mom category!!







No shame in that, mama! It's a very excellent job to have.

I hope your babe is feeling better today, btw.


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## AmyMarch (Aug 10, 2002)

Your post made me think of my mom. She was young when she had us (four kids by the time she was in her late twenties) and she says that she used to get remarks too. But I loved having such a young mom! She had so much energy, and always seemed so pretty and young next to my friends' moms. And it's even better now that we're grown -- we're such good friends, and I also love that she'll be so young and energetic throughout my son's life too, (barring sickness and such, of course). I also know that being a mom is all she ever wanted to do, and she definitely felt fulfilled by it and never regretted it. I think it's totally cool.

Hope that helps!


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## saintmom (Aug 19, 2003)

Oh my!I wake up this morning to see your post and just have to reply!Congradulations for listening to your heart!Your children will grow up with not only a loving mom but a secure and loving home versus a stressed out mom and some place to sleep.i've stayed home with mine since the first was born at 19.I went back to school after no 3 and worked as a sub to help pay bills.At that time we weren,t going to have anymore due to the chronic pain I was having from back surgery.Guess who turned up pregnant with no.4? After that I decided to stay home and home school.from what I'd seen at public school it was a little like sending them to school in the third world any way.we're now waiting for no.7 to make an apperance.I look back on the choices I've made and can clearly see how they affected my family for the better.The oldest 3 are smart happy intelligent well adjusted young adults.the oldest is a naval officer,the 2nd is in college and working,paying his own way,the third has won numerous scholorships and awards for college-started at 16-to be a translator,the youngest three have hobbies and instrests that will carry them far in life.So when people look at me with a condesending smile and say "and what do you do" I smugly reply "oh I just sit around all day watch soaps and eat bonn bonns".......


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## anothermama (Nov 11, 2003)

Yep, mama, I know what you mean....
I was 22 when my dd was born and I *looked* about 17, and I was in college. I'm now 27 and MAYBE look 24 (especially with my DH who's 25 and looks 21!) and I get crap for it all the time ESPECIALLY other moms thinking that I must not know as much.







:

You know, I did it....I stayed in school, I travelled, I got my degree....and what truly MADE me...what truly caused me to discover who I REALLY am was having my daughter. Don't get me wrong...I am glad and proud of those things I did, but what caused to me REALLY REALLY discover *ME* was becoming a mama. Now, thats not true for everyone, I know. But maybe it's true for you. I really believe that CAN happen....some women (me included!!!) have a CALLING and that calling is motherhood. People ask what I want to do next...what I'll do with my degree....and all I want in the world is to be a MAMA. That's all.

I feel so lucky because I see so many women out there who DONT know themselves, DONT know who they are, DONT know what they want.....I'm truly blessed to know myself so well and so deeply and I know what I really want in life and I know what I'm meant to do. Some women go their whole lives and never know that, you know?

Feel lucky that you KNOW...you have something over some women and you are lucky to know yourself so well. Your children will be lucky to grow up with that example. Don't let our messed up culture make you doubt your gifts and your knowledge.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

I had a career before ds was born, something that I was very good at and could have done for the rest of my life. But being a mama, is all I've ever wanted. I ditched that job as soon as I could!! Most of my friends don't get it. They ask, what are you going to do with yourself, are you going to go back to school, how can you stay home all day?? It's crazy. They give me the impression that my life is over.....I see it as a beginning. My life with my dh and ds and hopefully a few more little ones is what I have lived for my entire life. When other kids were saying they wanted to be dr's or firemen, I always said I wanted to be a mom.







I am only now getting to know myself. I've been so busy working my whole life, I never found my passions, what moves me. At almost 31 I am just starting to come into my own. My dh told me that about 9 months after ds was born, and it is true. I AM mama!! The life I have now gives me the ability to dig deeper into me.

So, basically, I agree with you:LOL


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## Amiahuman (Mar 17, 2002)

I'm a "young" mama, too. Married at just over 21, ds#1 at 22, ds#2 at 25, and now I'm 26 but am still told I look like a teenager. I get a lot of inappropriate comments. But I am doing exactly what I want to do! Before I got married I was in college just to learn. Most everyone I knew was there to get a career, but not me. I wanted to study for the sake of learning. I knew that what I wanted to "do" with my life was nurture a family. Still, it took my almost a year of marriage before I finally decided to leave school and start having children. I feel so lucky that in a society that embraces irresponsible youth as the norm for people in their 20s I was able to find and fall in love with someone who wants the same life for himself.

Both my mother and maternal grandmother were "just" homemakers, so it was a shock to me when my grandfather (who never wanted his wife to work) started pressuring me to go back to school, or atleast put the boys in daycare and go out and get a job. My dh is an amazing writer and had a chance to get his MA in creative fiction from the New School in NYC the year my son turned 1. Unfortunately he had to quit after a semester because relocating was just too dificult and commuting too costly. My grandfather constantly tells us how disappointed he is that we failed to make it work (because I didn't leave my son and work). He completely disregards the fact that while my husband is still able to write while he persus a career in education, I would have had to give up MY dream. If ever I go back to school it will be solely for my own education, NOT as a stepping stone to a career.

I am so proud and feel so privlaged to be able to nurture this family of mine. I stand with you (though I'm not very tall).


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## tessamami (Mar 11, 2002)

just lucky . . . . if you can do it, financially. I'm not talking about 2 incomes, either. I am the breadwinner (currently unemployed) and I've often wished that I could be the mom at home. Sigh, if I knew then - I probably STILL would have married my DH, a musician


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## Mothernature (Jun 10, 2002)

Mamalisa- I so totally relate to your post. I went the college/career route and found that only as a mother have I been able to truly find me. I worked three jobs to put myself through private school and then went straight to work for a news station. I looked up one day and realized that I didn't even like working there. I had no idea who I had become over that past six years and I didn't like where I was headed. I didn't want to sell my soul to be a successful career woman and that's what it felt like I was doing.

After I had dd, dh and I agreed that it made the most sense for me to stay home (my dream all along) and he has knocked himself out to make it possible for me. We decided it was important to us to make sacrifices so that our children could be raised with our values and love as opposed to the values and attention of day care providers. I don't mean that to be a jab at those who choose daycare for their children and especially not to those who have no choice. This is just where I feel I belong and can be of the most use to my family. Staying at home is not for every family, but it is the best choice for our family. Dh has really blossomed since becoming a father/provider and I believe that me being home to nurture him as well as my dd has helped that along. He has expressed a desire to spend more time with dd, so occasionally I substitute teach on his day off so he can have some one on one time with dd and I can have some $$ of my own. Recently I worked a full week and I noticed the difference it made in my family. I was stressed, dd was a mess, dh was unable to pick up the slack and work too and it left a wake of chaos. I'm sure if I went back to work full time we would get the hang of it, but we don't want to. We want our family to be more relaxed than that.

Mamamaya- I'm impressed that you discovered your joy young. My mother was young when she had us too. She had two by the time she was 21 and I was always proud of her youthfulness. She was truly ready for it, my father on the other hand was not. Had she been supported in her role, she would have been happy remaining there. You sound supported and happy. I think people hear of young mothers and think they have missed out on something, but trust me, I would have loved to have missed out on the vapid lost years I spent being irresponsible and out of control. I guess some people have to go there to see that there is something better out there. You didn't. Congratulations!


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## mama_kass (Jan 11, 2003)

What an incredible post! I am a young mama too and love it. I think when people go to work in the morning they ought to love what they are doing or they are in the wrong job. I wouldn't trade my job for any other.

My SIL did not find her dh until age 38. They got started immediatly trying to have children. She is almost 44 and they have seen many fertility specialists and been through all types of procedures pouring their heart into trying for a baby. So far they have been unsuccessful. I am so sad for them.

Dr.s say that female fertility starts to decline at age 27! They reccomend completing your family by age 35. I have met a lot of career women who never had children because they waited too long and they regret it. So being young definatly has advantages regarding natural fertility.


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## Blissfulmomma (Dec 17, 2003)

I can also relate to what you are feeling. I was married to the man of my dreams and the father of my two beauties at the age of 19. I am a young momma of two. I had Madison 2 weeks after I turned the tender age of 18 (Sean was 19) and Olivia when I was 21. Although Madison was a "surprise" for us it was only "normal" to get the flack of being a young parent who graduated from High School 5 months pregnant. I had wonderful support from my family and friends, the only ppl who gave me the flack were strangers who thought they were know it alls. Of course their remarks hurt and I did take it to heart.
When Sean proposed to me, we were so excited (I just knew that he was my soul mate and that we were meant to be *hence* Madison) Sean was my first love, my first everything, we actually concieved Madison the frist time the both of us lost our virginity, anyways, it was the same situation our family and friends were so excited and happy for us and the ppl who frowened upon the idea were strangers







: and still it made me feel upset and torn.
I went to school when Madison turned 1, I took a Medical Assistant course and graduated with Honors. I got a well paying job immedialtey. After working for about 4 months Sean and I decided that we wanted to start ttc #2. Our families were very excited for us. We were blessed to get pregnant our first month of trying. Sean and I decided that after this baby was born I would stay at home with our children until we are done having babies and they are all old enough. This is a decision that we both strongly agreed on and would have it no other way.
I still do get the flack from ppl and all I do is sluff it off. I wake up in the morning feeling so blessed and so happy that I have my wonderful husband, my two precious daughters, and that I am a stay at home mom. Sure it hurts when I get the *oh you are so young* but I would have it NO other way. This is what I want in my life, and I couldn't be happier. Growing up I was always told that I was a "Born Momma" I knew that I wanted to have children, and when Madison came it was just pure bliss and I _knew_ that this was just the beginning of a very joyful, and blessed life. Sean and I feel very led that we were meant for eachother and that we were meant to have a lot of children, and we are going to do so, and we are both so excited about that.








So whenever I get those remarks I try to not let it bother me, I look at my husband and children and see how blessed and happy I am, and some stranger's rude comment isn't going to change that.
When asked if I feel like my young "party/do whatever you want" kind of life was wasted by wanting to start a family, I just giggle to myself and say absolutley not. Sean and I are going to still be quite young by the time our last child is moved out of the house (or old enough to take care of him/her self) We will have tons of time to travel and spend time together. I would have my life no other way, and I also think that society is starting to get married and start having families at younger ages also, it is going back to when our grandparents started having children (at young ages)
Well this reply turned into quite the novel







(oops)
But I just want to let you know that you aren't alone, and to just ignore those "know it alls". You are a wonderful momma


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## 3_opihi (Jan 10, 2003)

Oh wow! Thank you for all the replies. Baby seems to be feeling better today. I think he just overate. Thankfully, that terrible flu hasn't hit Hawaii yet. Knock on wood.

I suppose the reason all these feelings/thoughts are coming up for me lately has been my oldest son's school situation. Dh and I have decided that we are going to homeschool. We really have to. If you know anyhting about the the school system in Hawaii, you know it is absolutley atrocious. Really bad. And we live too far from any good private school. Well, as far as you can get on a little tiny island. But we don't want to commute. So we're homeschooling.

I look forward to this with excitement and joy. But a part of me knows I am going to be a stay at home mom for a long time. I guess a part of me always assumed I could go finish college, or work or whatever - when my kids were in school. In all truth, I probably will finsh college. I only have a couple classes left. Theres always nightschool! Of course, people question me and my ability to make that kind of decision based on my age and experience, yada, yada, yada. Oh, your making such a sacrifice. It hurts and it makes my confidence waiver. But really we have no choice. We have to do it if we want our kids to have any sort of education. And I'm totally happy with the choice I have made. I feel so relieved actually. Now I don't have to go back out into the world and "search" for something thats meaning pales in comparison to whats really my one, true calling.

As far as traveling, there's no where I can't go without my babies. We have traveled all over the mainland and we're going to New Zealand for the summer. I love seeing ds's excitement and enthusiasm in the places we visit. Personally, I think it makes it more fun. My kids do travel well, though.

I'm not going to care what other people think of me anymore. I know that I'm a good mama. Dh is a good papa. We love our family. Whoever makes those comments has their own stuff to deal with probably and I shouldn't take it so much to heart. Thank you mamas for standing up with me. I love reading about all of your experiences.


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## shelbean91 (May 11, 2002)

It sounds like you know exactly what you want, and there's nothing wrong with that. I went to a university for 2 years right out of high school and left with a 1.7 GPA and $5000 of student loans to show for it. I moved to community college for another year, got gpa up to 2.3 and quit before getting a degree. (By that point I had too much debt and couldn't handle working 2 jobs (1 FT, 1PT) and school full time.

I moved to another state, planning on taking a year off to establish residency and get instate tuition. That never happened. I got a job and worked FT. I got married, had my dd, went back to work, had ds, stayed home after ds. I had always planned on going back to school, but after the kids were in school.

Then Dh and I were talking about how we would need 2 incomes when the kids were in school and I would need to go back to work. We also weren't making it on dh's salary alone, so I needed to bring in some sort of money. I knew I wouldn't be able to work full time, school full time and still be happy with the amount of time to spend with the family. I decided to go back to school, get student loans, and finish in 3 years, right before ds starts school (he'll be 4). The timing would be perfect.

I'm taking 12 hrs a semester- I have friends, MIL, and DH to help watch the kids, but I have enough financial aid that I could pay for daycare if I needed to. This fall was my first semester and I pulled off a 4.0 for the first time ever.

So for me, becoming a mom is definitely helping me to decide what I want to do and find who I am. I'm in school for elementary education, so I'll be able to spend as much time with the kids as possible, even when I'm back to work. The old job I had- I loved dearly and enjoyed all the people I worked with, but it was 9 hr days, M-F, plus 1 hr commute each way. Way too much.

We also got surprised with another pregnancy. We're very happy and the timing worked out really well. The baby is due in June, between semesters, so I won't even have to take any time off (assuming the last half of my pg is uneventful).

I'm glad your baby is feeling better.


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## babybugmama (Apr 7, 2003)

I did everything the *right* way (please hear the sarcasm in that







). I went to school, got a Ph.D, waited to get married, waited to have children. Then the miracle of dd. And then I have this epiphany, what the he!! was I thinking? If I had known what I know now, I would have skipped all the sacrifices that school took out of me and had babies. Every particle of my being just clicked when she was put in my arms and this is reinforced every single day. I don't have huge regrets, I try not to go there, but there is a huge part of me that wishes I had done babies first, I don't know that I would have done the rest. Being her mommy is more *me,* if that makes sense than the Ph.D could ever be. I hope I'm making sense...I think it's awesome that you found who you are without having to wait, that's awesome! I think being a mommy is a calling just like any other, congrats on that discovery.










PS people are always so amazed when I tell them that I would have given it all up *just* to be dd's mommy...kinda sad.


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## momatheart23 (May 25, 2002)

Wow, I could have written your post. I was in college 3 years to be a teacher when I realized what I really wanted to be in life was a mom, and to be the mom I wanted to be I wanted to stay home. So we conceived our son and I had him at 21. I am now 23 with two and am am completely happy and confident that I made the right choice. People can be so judgemental though. The boss I had when I got pregnant with my first who I was very good friends with completely changed when I got pregnant. Her first initial question when I told her I was pregnant was whether I planned it and when I said yes, she acted as if I was negligent and wrong. She questioned every decision I made. It hurt me very badly because prior to this I had looked up to her and respected her alot. I know that she was wrong though, I am an incredible mother. I love being a mom, it speaks to my soul and gives me great satisfaction. We are planning to homeschool so I too know that it will be quite a while before I get a career, but being young helps that because I will still be young. By the time I am 40, my sons will be 19 and 17. I get so much satisfaction from every day with my boys watching them grow and shaping who they are becoming. That is better than any career for me. In fact working as a preschool teacher is what made my drive to be a mom even stronger. I remember working with others children and getting so attached and then watching the parents' doing damaging things to their kids and being depressed because I couldn't do anything about it. With my children I get to make all the decisions and that is empowering. So don't let anyone put you down for being young. There is no "right" age for motherhood, it is unique to each woman.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I was 17 when my oldest was born. I still haven't finished collge and I'm 22. I had another kiddo this year and I love staying home. I wish we could afford for me to never work again. I'd be the happiest mama on earth. I love being a mama more than anything else in the world! Good for you for listening to your heart rather than the naysayers! The world would be so much better off if there were more mamas like you.


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## Dakota's Mom (Apr 8, 2003)

How I envy all of you strong secure stay at home mamas. I would give anything to be there with you. Actually I was a stay at home mom many years ago. (Before many f you were born.) But life got complicated with abuse and divorce and other issues. So I had to go to work to take care o my kids. Now my big kids are grown up. Some of them have children of their own. I'm married to a wonderful guy and we have a 17 month old boy we adopted from Guatemala. I enjoyed working in the past. Up until the day we brought our son home, I liked my job. But since the day he came home, one year ago last Thursday, I have grown to hate my job more every day. I want to be home with my little guy. He has changed so much in the last year. And other people have seen all those firsts before me. He took his first steps into my boss's arms. His day care provider taught him to hold his bottle and to blow his nose. They will probably teach him to use the potty. Because I'll be working. I don't want other people teaching him. I want to see all those special firsts. We want to homeschool him but I don't see how we will be out of debt by the time he is 5 or 6. And by then he will be so used to "school" will he want to stay home with me.

I'm not in my 20's. I have kids in my 20's and 30's. I've worked, I have a career. But what I want more than anything is to be a mom. To have two or three more kids and stay home with them all. For all you young moms, enjoy your kids. Don't let anyone tell you that you are shortchanging yourself. You are ding the best thing you can do or yourself, for your kids, and probably for the world.

Kathi


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## applejuice (Oct 8, 2002)

Dear Mamamaya:

I just want to underscore what you have said and tell you that being a SAHM is the best career any woman can have!

I do want to tell you that you may want to finish college at some point in the future because life is unfair and unpredictable. I am glad that I finished college and became a teacher. I have summer and weekends with my children.

I also now have a nice way of earning a living since my DH has left this life and passed on. This alone has made things very tolerable for me.

My DH was sick for seven years and having this job/career did give me piece of mind. Also DH knew I enjoyed working at this particular school, so it was easier on him if that can be said at all. My DS attends this school now, after being homeschooled for six years by my DH and I.

I was a SAHM for ten years, with my oldest three children. I am glad I was established somewhere before my DH passed on.


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## applejuice (Oct 8, 2002)

Let me also add that I have a cousin who is many years older than me.

She put in two years of college in the late 1950's, married, and had four children within six years.

Her DH died suddenly of liver cancer. She was left with the four children to raise by herself. She went to work as a teacher in her parish school (she is Roman Catholic), and finished her teacher training for years after as her children grew.

She made her children her life; they came first. She has never remarried. She is retired now.

I feel she is a very fulfilled woman. She did an excellent job with her four children, tow boys and two girls. I sincerely admire her.

If her DH had not died, she would have been a SAHM.


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## Aaudreysmom (Aug 20, 2003)

When did we decied that it was ok for us to postpone or even trade the most important job we have for a "career"?

I am very much with you. I would never give up the chance to raise my kids and I would never want to do anything in it's place.

22yo mother to 19mo dd.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Mamamaya, if you are happy with the choice you've made - and it certainly sounds like you are - no one has the right to question it.

I'm one of those "older moms" (though not the kind who would dream of criticising you!) as are most of my friends. We all had careers, traveled, and fulfilled a lot of personal goals before having kids in our mid thirties. We talk a lot about how much more energy we'd have now if we'd had children at your age. At the same time, I know very well that when I was in my late teens and early 20s I would never have had the patience or dedication (not to mention opportunity!) to have children. If I hadn't had the chance to join the Peace Corps like I always wanted, to go to grad school, to live on my own, I know I would be one very resentful mama.

But the thing is, you ARE doing the main thing you always wanted. I have nothing but respect for someone of your age (hoo boy, it makes me feel so ancient to use that phrase!) who has the dedication, the patience and the love to do something I know I wasn't mature enough to do till so much later. And dang, you will be footloose and fancy-free in your 40's while I'm trying to keep up with teenagers!


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## Jillybean (Dec 6, 2003)

Count me in, I'll stand tall with ya!

I was 21 when my sweet boy was born. He is by far the greatest thing I have ever done. I love being a mama, it is what I have wanted to be most of my life. I floundered around in college for a while, not having a clue as to what I wanted to do with my future. Then he came along, I got married and I now have an amazing, fulling life as "just a mom." I get comments, too even from family. I look about 18. It hurts, but I try to shrug it off. A cashier at the grocery store gasped, literaly, when I said that yes, he is mine







... But I really wanted to say that some people need college and careers and all that to find themselves. But many people already know who they are and what they want out of life at a young age. I did. The OP and many other people who posted here did. Follow your bliss!


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

My mom the life long career women (although she did take off a year after I was born, was bfing and in the navy) has said numerous times its too bad I don't live closer because then I could go back to school and she could watch dd or I could get a job and she could watch dd.
I explained that I might go back to school part time but am not planning on working until all my kids are older and then maybe not even then. She just doesn't get it. She asked why and I said that I want to physically be there for my kids while they are little. That wasn't her choice but it doesn't make it wrong.
Luckily I have great friends who do get it even if I am 6-8 years or more younger than most of them (I don't think many of them know how old I am or how close to my mother's age they are). I'm 23 but I don't really think that is too young to be a mother of an 18 month old. Seems reasonable to me. I think people sometimes think of what they were doing when they were my age. And a lot of them definitely weren't in a place to be a good mom.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm very glad to see this post! I am 24 years old. I got married 11 days after my 20th birthday, had my DS at 21 and DD at 23. I do plan to have more kids but am taking a bit of a breather. I too look very young and I have had rude comments and all of that. But the part that upsets me the most is people ASSuming that I didn't do this on purpose. It must have been an accident or I would be 24 and "saddled" with two kids. My kids are my life, they are the most important thing in my world. Why would I want to go out, go to college, go to work when the most important job I could ever have is right there waiting for me. I am planning to homeschool and want 2-3 more children so I will be home for a long, long time. And I am happy about that! I am happy to make my children my career and I know they will be all the better for it!


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## Nelybel (Oct 16, 2003)

Yay for all you young mamas who found your passion in life. That is so important.

I'm an older first-time mom. I didn't plan it that way...I just went with what life dealt me...marriage at 33. I always knew that no matter what I did with my life pre-marriage and children...I would want to be a SAHM. I've traveled...been to lots of school (have a doctorate in music)...have taught for 15 years etc. I loved my work with a passion and will probably always keep my hand in it a bit...but I remember the shock of feeling like my life had just begun when my son was born. Like everything beforehand had just been the prelude...that being a mom was what I was meant to do. And I love it. It is the most challenging, inspiring, interesting thing I've every attempted.

I don't mind being an older mom and don't really have regrets. I just did what came my way to the best of my ability. But I'm happy for younger women who find what they want and love and do it. As a teacher I've discovered that we all have different gifts and ways of learning and that many of us don't really fit into the "box" of expectations that begins with finishing high school...going to college...work for a few years...get established etc., etc., blah, blah, blah and then have your family. Hey, if that works...fine. But its absolutely great to do life other ways as well. Again, good for you all. You are doing a great thing and in my opinion, no career - no matter how loved and fulfilling, will be quite the same as being a mom. I also respect those (like my sister) who for various reasons have chosen to work instead of being moms. We're all different and all deserve respect for giving our energies to the best of our understanding and abilities.

OK - hopping off my soapbox now.


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## 3_opihi (Jan 10, 2003)

applejuice,
You're right. I should finish college. And in all honesty I will. I only have six classes left until I get my BA. So it would be silly not to finish. And who knows what the future will bring? When I'm forty my kids will be grown, and then what will I do with myself? I love learning, and going to school. I guess its just more the assumption that since I didn't finish college before I had kids I could never go back or something, that irks me. (did that sentence make sense?) Like I've relinquished my life from here out...

Thank you to all of the 'older' mamas who have replied. Your insights and wiseness are very important to me. I get what some of you have said about not feeling mature enough, or ready to handle having a child at a younger age, and I respect that. I always felt like when people said things like, "oh, I know I never could've handled a child at that age " that they were trying to make an underhanded ageist comment about me being so young. Thank you for explaining it more clearly to me. I will try not to be so oversensitive.

Quote:

I am also sick of some women telling me that I am not exercising my rights as a woman by not getting an education and career and being able to support myself without help from anyone. I am doing exactly what I want in life and I'll be damned if I am going to waste years doing something I HATE and possibly miss out on being a mother just so I can prove that I am a strong, able woman. I am a strong woman! I grew a child inside of my body and birthed him the way my body intended.
Yes, I think thats what I have been trying to say all along. Thank you CK's mama. I think this is true for many more than just younger mamas. Do 'career women' feel the same way when they give up their prestigious career to raise their children?
( Which is much more prestigious, I think!) Probably. I know the arguments about stay home versus career/work are so played out. I don't want to go there. I guess it just makes me a little sad that after all women have achieved in the past thirty-thirty five years, one of the basic, most womanly things you can do - being a mom-or at least choosing to just be a mom from the beginning- is somewhat frowned upon in our society.
Ok, I'm rambling again....sorry







:


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

I have a college degree and was making 40K a year when I quit to have my dd. I have no plans of going back to work anytime soon. If I do go back to work it will be as a doula or something in the service field, and only because I will love that work and do it more for my own fulfillment rather than the money. We are not rich, we are single income and it's hard sometimes, but I love being "just a mom." If I don't end up being a doula I may get as job when my girls are high school age to start paying for their college tuition or technical training or whatever they are into at that time. If my kids do decide to go to college I don't want them to be strapped with debt when they graduate. Especially if they too decide to be "just a mom" instead of getting a job after college.

Darshani


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

MamaMaya: Congrats on being an awesome Mom! But remember you are not "just" a Mom. You're an awesome Mom, a loving wife, a person who cares for her family and wants the best for her family.

I am a Mom now for 19 months. I do not have a paycheck or W-2 anymore. But, my hours of working have increased to the grand total of 24 hours daily, 7 days a week. This job is more taxing on my body, I took a huge paycut (LOL) and the work load increases whenever I get used to what my dd (the new boss) is doing. She is forever surprising me with new projects, she increases my work load and just when I think I can call it a night, she may spring a new job on me! Also I may think I have her "schedule" all figured out and she re arranges it!!

This is what I tell people who ask me what I do all day or when am I going to "go back to work". I can now laugh at people's ignorance -especially those who have not raised children yet. But also I enjoy saying- we were great parents too until we had our daughter.









I am 32 tomorrow 12-24. I had Lizzie when I was 30. Both DH and I have Degrees from a great University, a house, two new cars, we have traveled extensively in BC (before child), we had a double income and great fun. I worked for 10 years before staying home in Fourtune 500 etc. We also aquired a great many "things".

Does this make us ready to parent? Hardly- it just shows that you can jump on the bandwagon and realize that all these things are not going to give you a beautiful smile and call you Mamma or Daddy. If anything, you get tired of your possesions and realize they wear out and take up space. There are some nights where we can spend the whole time now just wiggling to a dance that Lizzie started when she heard music. Or she starts giggling and then we start and it goes back and fourth forever. To me that is the greatest gift of all

While you are aquiring smiles and raising your children to be decent members of society, others are judging. Since you are young, you have a lot more energy to keep up with your kids and one day grandkids.

But remember all older Moms and Younger Moms- we are not JUST Moms.


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## nuggetsmom (Aug 7, 2002)

Hi,

I think you are just fine. I think that there is a tendency to evaluate your life path a lot in your thirties. At least that is what I read somewhere but maybe they were just trying to make women in their 30s feel better about the fact that they are still evaluating their life path. THing is that if you decide you have ambitions that have changed, your children will be old enough for you to act on those things.

I mean this all in the most positive way. I think being a mom is a wonderful ambition. And I am always plagued by insecurity that I will be too old to pursue my career dreams byt hte time DD and co are old enough. My mom was young too when she had me and my sister. She is telling me I could have a third but I am too tired already














Anyway, she was happy being a mom for a long time but when I was 12 she went back to school at night and started working. First at home and then at an office (that didn't last because I was a terrible cook at 16) and after we left home she did all sorts of things and was very successfull. Anyway, she had had some other ideas before she had me but she says that once she saw me she just wanted to be with me. Bothe my mom and dad were in school so she was able to finish but anyway.,

Motherhood is sort of a catch 22. If you stay home you are not ambitious enough and if you work because you want to ( and not because you need the money) you are a bad mother. I can never figure out what society really wants from us.

Hang in there. I am sure you got some advice for how to react to other peoples comments but I did not read all the other posts. Anyway, wow, young mom, that is GREAT. I wish I had done this when I was younger.


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## asherah (Nov 25, 2001)

Life is not "one size fits all"
We all have to do what is right for us... not for someone else.

If you are fulfilled being a young SAHM, than more power to you.
There is no such thing as "just" a mom. Motherhood is the most important thing in the world.. and I say this as an older, very career oriented WOHM.

I guess I used to be pretty judgmental about young SAHMS.. I guess I pretty much felt it was "better" to be on your own for a while first.. I thought young people needed to figure out who they were before they got married and had kids.. but I have learned a lot.. and now I realize that was what I had to do...
but that other people have other callings.. and I could not be a true feminist unless I respected that...

I suppose if I had a daughter I might be worried if she got married and became a mom at 20.. I couldn't help myself.. but I would also trust her and respect her and support her if she was following her heart..

So thank you young SAHMS for teaching me something and helping me expand my mind and confront some of my own prejudices.


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## FrumDoula (Jun 10, 2003)

You know, when it comes to being a SAHM, the difference between us and our grandmothers is the fact that we are, in most ways, making a truly free choice to do so.

Our grandmothers, whether through law, lack of education, social pressure, etc. often didn't have the opportunities to make that choice, so they were essentially forced into a life of domestic bliss. (With, of course, some rather notable exceptions. Please, don't everybody post to me about Madame Curie or your Great Aunt Millie the Horse Wrangler in the Wild West.







)

As the debate over working mothers rages on (with, unfortunately, women doing the vast majority of the mudslinging), I am grateful both to our grannies and our great-grannies, who taught us so much about the value of making a beautiful home for their children, and our feminist mamas and their comrades-in-arms, who fought to ensure we could get a credit card, get a job, get paid half decently, use birth control and rent an apartment - all without the economic support of a man.

What I think is so important is the fact that we are beginning to CHOOSE our destinies. (Though for many women who are stuck in poverty situations not of their choosing, "choice" is still a laughable term.) Still, we're getting there. Slowly .... very slowly.

Cheers,
Alison
Cheerful Mama to David 5-8-99


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## eilonwy (Apr 3, 2003)

I can totally relate to this! Why does everyone assume that I want to go back to school right away? People are horrified by it! When I was pregnant with Eli, I was in school and after he was born I thought I'd want to go back right away, but suddenly I didn't care anymore.

When people ask me when I'm planning on going back to school, I tell them as soon as I'm finished educating my children. When they ask if I plan to go to work I tell them that I work 24 hours a day, and I consider a shower alone to be a huge vacation.

I know that some family friends consider it a huge waste of talent for me not to finish college right away. They think that it's not fair for someone who's intelligent to "throw it away" and "waste time" being a mother. But what could be more important? Seriously. I *am* making plans for my future. If I take good care of my children, if I teach them and love them well, then they'll take good care of me when I'm old and decrepit. It's a sound investment, as far as I'm concerned. At least as sound as a shaky job market with sketchy-at-best job security.


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

:bf
Hi Mamas!
I am glad to see this discussion still going. Moms really need to support one another and not go against what we are all trying to do.

Since I am an extended Bfeeder, (not abnormal in these circles) I have been the receiver of some comments and questions. I won't go into to them but it has taught me more than ever, I may not have the same ideals that another Mom does, but we need to support each other since we are raising the next World leaders and Care Givers. If anything agree to disagree. Extended Bfeeding is not the first thing I have done to raise eyebrows.

I will not judge another Mom for working for a paycheckas well as being a parent or staying home and working as a parent. I remember how I have felt when I was holding my six week old daughter and another new mom asking me when I was going back to work. When I said I was working and this was my new job, she gave me a dirty look. Was it because I stayed with my daughter as a job or because she wanted to? Who knows- you can only answer that question yourself.

My question to anyone posting, do you support what other Moms do even though you don't or you isolate yourself from them?


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## Suzetta (Dec 21, 2003)

I think it is wonderful that you have been able to have a fulfilling life at such a young age. Who cares what others say? I think that most folks just don't know what to say, so they say stupid things.

The 60's happened to liberate women NOT to force them into careers, but to give us choices. Too often, folks forget that this is the case. There is absolutely nothing wrong in deciding to focus your life around being a spectacular 100% parent.

I am in the opposite boat...I had the career, and decided that I want to focus on raising my precious babe. It is my choice, not my sacrifice to give up my career. I couldn't even stand the thought of leaving her every day in order to go to work. My friends from work really think that I will get 'tired' of this arrangement....I really don't think so.

Believe me...having seen both sides of the fence, I can assure you that the 'drudgery' of spending all day every day with your kids is much more rewarding than focusing on a career. (At least for me!)

Kudos to those who are able to do both!


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## TranscendentalMom (Jun 28, 2002)

Well, I finished college, had a career and left it to be a SAHM to my first child at 28. I'm glad I did those things but I can honestly say that it wasn't until I became a mother that I felt truly fulfilled. And I don't mean in the way that I have no interests and personality so I use having a child to fill me up. I mean that motherhood changed something inside me and I will always be different because of this, even when my kids are older and don't need me as they do now. I think that if I had not had a baby, I would have made career choices that would not have been best for me. I know more about myself now. To answer your question I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be just a mom. One of the things I love about being a mom is that I never doubt what I am doing. Everything else in my life was always uncertain but now I KNOW I am right where I am supposed to be...at home watching my baby grow. The only thing I think is a problem is when women don't turn the page as their children grow. Part of being a mother is that your kids get older and don't need you as much. I think its a problem when women don't grow along with this. I look forward to the day when my kids are older and living their own lives and I will have time to pursue interests that I don't have time to do now.


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## kate_t (May 7, 2003)

This thread really struck a chord with me. I was 24 when I had my dd, and people around me either assume that I got pregnant by accident (which I didn't), or that I'm too simpleminded to have a "real" life. I am the only mom I know who is under thirty. The majority of new mothers I know with kids dd's age are in their late thirties/early forties.

I can't imagine waiting that long...My plan is to be done being pregnant and nursing by the time I'm thirty five, and I have all those years left to pursue the interests and dreams that I am putting on hold now. My fifties are for ME.

Motherhood has brought me so much maturity and wisdom, and knowing that I'm mothering in a way that makes me proud has restored my confidence in myself and healed so many wounds. Yound motherhood has been the best thing to happen to me.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

I feel like I could just copy kate_t's post, lol. But I was 21 when I got married, 22 w/dd, 25 w/ds and plan on being done pg/nursing by 30 w/ my 50s for me!

Honestly, its not what I planned (when I was younger, both kids were "planned") and I don't think I would suggest marraige at 21 (not everyone meets their life partner when they are 16 after all!), but it works for us. I did get my BS and in some ways regret not getting my PhD before I had kids, but that is just because I *know* now that I could never have a high powered career. Before I had DD I planned to return to work in 2 weeks, get my PhD and work 60 hour weeks on work I loved. Now, I'll probably never get the degree but I work 24 hours a day on something I love even more!


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## hotmamacita (Sep 25, 2002)

I love being with my kids too. I have struggled deeply with some aspects of being a SAHM but I honestly think this is one of the best decisions that I have ever made in my life. This is an area where my heart is their playground. That amazes me.

I have enjoyed this thread. All of you mamas have great stories.

More of mine later....(ironically, i need to go and be a SAHM as I hear babies who are supposed to be sleeping, not sleeping but playing....i wanna go take a picture)

asherah


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## Peppamint (Oct 19, 2002)

Amen, amen! So many of you have said it so well.

I married three months before my 19th birthday, dd was born four days after my 20th birthday and ds was born three months after my 22nd birthday. I'll be 23 in a few days and I AM EXACTLY where I WANT TO BE! I don't know what the future holds, my dh is 18 years older than I and yes, maybe I should have gone to college but I KNOW it would have been the most miserable four years. I could only imagine myself as a wife and mother. I worked part-time to supplement our income until my ds was born this April and I was miserable. I love being with children all day long. Yes, I enjoy a quiet shower







but I don't want a "career". Raising my babies (my blessings!) is my career and I intend to excel at it!

We planned both of our children (it, in fact, took three months of ttc both times) and I hope to have more in the future. I remember my boss asking me if ds was planned







and I wondered why it was any of her business? I *want* to be a young mom... I have energy now.







My mom was young when she had me (four days before her 18th birthday) and now she is a young grandma.

My MIL will be 70 in June. She cannot watch the kids and can barely walk while holding the baby and dd wears her out easily.


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## Avima (Oct 16, 2003)

Hi all. I''ve read most of your posts and it's so comforting that others can relate. I was in college and just turned 21 when I got pregnant with my daughter. I got through 2 semesters during my pregnancy and took finals w/ an 11 day old in tow. Anyway I quit school and my job so I could be (still am) a full time mom to my girl. I, too, have felt the insecurities of being a young mother. There is such a huge pressure in society telling us that we must have a degree, be married, have a career and THEN have kids.. it seems many people judge you by those standards. Then i think, who set these standards? A million years ago young women had babies. Were they stupid? A hundred years ago women got married at 15 and had babies right away. Were they idiots also? No. I know I'm rambling here so I hope it makes sense.

A few times I've made plans to return to college but it doesn't seem like the thing for me. I don't know what I want to be when I "grow up". Right now I want to be a mom. My girl will only be this age once and I can do whatever I want (school, job, etc) any other time.

Bless all you beautiful mommies. Be proud and confident in all you do.

~Dana
blessed mother to my babe Avienda (5/2/02)


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