# S/O: If you let your kids have sex at home..



## boysrus (Dec 2, 2001)

Do you tell the parent of their partner? Do you ask them to tell the other parents? Does it happen in the room next to yours? Down the hall? Do you speak to the partners about sexual practices?


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## Shann (Dec 19, 2003)

I am just entering this phase of my boys' life,so it's interesting timing for this question. I have 2 boys, ages 14 and 12, and the 14 y/o is now expressing an interest in starting his sex life. We are very sex positive in our house, and don't mind if he and his girlfriend (or boyfriend -- although in this case it IS a girlfriend) do it at home. In the case of his girlfriend's family, they are also "sex positive" people and are (happily!) on the same page as we are on the question. So the kids are going to start soon together on "the great adventure." I am happy and excited for both of them! (no flaming for our choices on this, PLEASE, as it won't do any good anyway).
As for your questions, I am not sure that you HAVE to inform the other parents, although I think you should play it on a case-by-case basis. It depends on whether you know the other parents well, how you feel they would react, how open you feel they are about such things.Everything may be ok with the other parents if you don't say anything (it would be with me) but you never know. As for making THEM (the kids) tell the parents, I would say NO to that. As to where in the house you let them do it, well, that's up to you and them, depending on what your (and their) comfort level is. The important thing is to not make them feel ill at ease or inhibited in any way. They need to feel supported and relaxed so that they may explore, learn, and have fun, all of which will be very important to their experience in this. As for whether you should talk to them about sex practices and protection and safety and other things, my opinion is YES, but again it will depend on everyone's comfort zone.

Good luck and let us know what happens!


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## barbara73069 (Apr 21, 2007)

Interesting post, and although I'm not sure I'd consider myself a sexually positive parent, I do consider myself a realistic practical one. I have 2 girls and never encouraged either one to become active however they both have made that choice and are safe and in committed relationships. My youngest (15 yo) has had her bf overnite here in the past and shes stayed at his house too. It's happened alot more this summer than in the past but both his mom and I accept it and are on the same page. My only concern would be, if the kids are sleeping together at one or the other's houses, I think it's important that the other parent know about it in advance. Some parents may not be comfortable with this and I can see all sorts of problems developing. My daughters bf's mom and I met for lunch and talked this over before they started sleeping together at our houses. I would not have allowed it if she wasn't on the same page. Now if the question is do you tell the other parent when kids become sexually involved, my answer to that would be most likely no. Am i making sense here? lol Maybe i need more sunday morning coffee lol. Barb


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

My kids are a little younger, so I'm asking a question -- isn't it the job of the other parent to know where their child is and what they are doing? Don't most parents want to know where their child is spending the night and talk to the other parents? Are their really teens who just leave for the night and their parents don't know where they are?

So far our big message about sex is "condoms are what people use when they want to have sex and don't want to have a baby."


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

No haven't talked to the parents, however dd's only boyfriends have been over 18. So IMO the other parents are a non issue at this point.

I am not sure exactly what you mean about speaking to the partners about sexual practices. You mean like specific positions? No. BC yes.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

I wouldn't discuss it with the other parent, because it would not be happening in this house. While we do discuss sex, along with safe sex, we would not be allowing overnight visits, or leaving DSD with her bf alone at home (she doesn't have one yet anyway







).

I don't believe that 14 y.o. (or most high school kids) are ready for it. Statistics say that most kids regret their first time. I didn't, and it is because it was with the right person, at the right time, when I was independent and ready, and in love. Seven years later I am still with the same person. All those things rarely add up at 15, or 16. That's my reasoning behind these decisions. I want her decisions based on maturity, and deep connection with the other person, not based on crazed teenage hormones.

Besides, there is only one way to be sure 100% that you are not pregnant, and that is not to have sex. No condom is 100% safe, I wouldn't put my child at this risk at 15, or 16, or 17. I'm not sure I understand parents that would.


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## terrordactyl (Jul 19, 2006)

i was 17 the first time i had sex and in no way regretted it so i donot believe that all studies are right some people are ready at 15,16, or 17 in ancient times people starting having sex as young as 12 so i really don't see the problem with being as old as 16


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shaina* 
i was 17 the first time i had sex and in no way regretted it so i donot believe that all studies are right some people are ready at 15,16, or 17 in ancient times people starting having sex as young as 12 so i really don't see the problem with being as old as 16

Many things have happened in the ancient times: from witch hunts, to arranged marriages, to public execusions, and life expectancy of 30 years for women, I'm not sure I would be judging my parenting decisions on that. Kids were not allowed to be kids in the ancient times.

I think most 16 y.o. are not ready to be parents. The most mature and responsible kid will have a much harder time in High School if they have to worry about a baby. I wouldn't want my child faced with parenting while finishing 11th grade. Let them be kids for crying out loud. Having sex - taking a risk to have a baby, is it really worth it at 16?


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oriole* 

I don't believe that 14 y.o. (or most high school kids) are ready for it. Statistics say that most kids regret their first time. I didn't, and it is because it was with the right person, at the right time, when I was independent and ready, and in love. Seven years later I am still with the same person. All those things rarely add up at 15, or 16. That's my reasoning behind these decisions. I want her decisions based on maturity, and deep connection with the other person, not based on crazed teenage hormones.

I was 14 when I lost my virginity.

I was ready.

And I was in love.

And I was with the person whom I lost it to for four years.

He was my first love, and although we had a horrible breakup (which is honestly still pretty fresh -- showing my age here) I will never, never regret the fact that I had my first time with him at 14.


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

Aside from these other issues, please be sure you are keenly aware of the stat rape and sexual assault laws in your state. Don't rely on "my neighbor's cousin is a lawyer and he said...;" find out for yourself. These laws vary greatly from state to state. Not only could the teens be at risk (remember that young man who got prison time for receiving oral sex from a fellow teen?), you as the facilitating parent could be at risk, too.

I don't care how "sex positive" you are, it ain't gonna be pretty for you or your child if/when the teens' relationship goes south and the other kid's p.o.'ed parent is looking for a way to even the score, either criminally or civilly. And yes, it happens.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I don't think the definer of being ready to have a sexual relationship is the readiness to be a parent. Even married people who are hopefully having sex with their spouses may not be ready for parenthood. They shouldn't be expected to abstain from sex until they are ready to parent either.

I was 13 and I choose the time, place and the person who I was not in love with, but I did really like. No regrets. At all.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
I don't think the definer of being ready to have a sexual relationship is the readiness to be a parent. Even married people who are hopefully having sex with their spouses may not be ready for parenthood. They shouldn't be expected to abstain from sex until they are ready to parent either.

I was 13 and I choose the time, place and the person who I was not in love with, but I did really like. No regrets. At all.

I guess everyone goes by what they have experienced themselves. I'm in the camp that encourages kids to wait and be kids. I am a romantic, I knew dp for over a year before we were intimate, and I can't imagine it being half as special under any other circumstainces. Every date, every kiss, every time our hands touched was more and more intense.

I certainly know that I wasn't ready at 13 to experience it the way it happened. I woudln't wish anything less for my child, and maybe that's where I am coming from on this issue in addition to all the other risks. I'm sure their bodies are ready, I just don't think their psychological being is ready.

The friends that I have that did it during their teenage years - did it for all the wrong reasons, be it curiousity, or momentary attraction that went away three months later. I am not suggesting that those who are posting on this board couldn't possibly have had the wonderful first time that they say they did, regardless of young age. I'm just saying that these things come much more naturally and with heck of a lot of less complications past a certain age.

I feel that in our culture sex has taken the place of romance, and I don't want that for my child.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

The thing is, not everyone needs it to be special you know. For me the concept that virginity is something sacred is just foreign. The hymen is not some mystical thing for me. Curiousity is not a wrong reason to have sex IMO. Hopefully that curiousity to do different things is lifelong.


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Oriele,

Just keep in mind that those are you views on sex, and you can communicate them to your children, but it is still your children who will decide when and with whom they have sex. Their bodies belong to them, not you. And they get to decide.

And as Donna Martin said "If you have a swimming pool in the backyard, you can tell your kids not to go in, you can put up fences and gates and lock them, but if you know your kids are going to figure out a way to get in, don't you think you ought to teach them how to swim?"


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fek&fuzz* 
Oriele,

Just keep in mind that those are you views on sex, and you can communicate them to your children, but it is still your children who will decide when and with whom they have sex. Their bodies belong to them, not you. And they get to decide.

And as Donna Martin said "If you have a swimming pool in the backyard, you can tell your kids not to go in, you can put up fences and gates and lock them, but if you know your kids are going to figure out a way to get in, don't you think you ought to teach them how to swim?"

I waited, and it wasn't because of a fence. As I said, I wasn't sure what it would be like, but I knew what I wanted in place before it happened. I certainly would not kick out my child out of the house because of this subject, I am simply saying I would not host a sleepover for my child's bf/gf, and would encourage to look for something more than just curiousity sex.

You are right on the subject that it is their body, but if they are my children I'm sure some of my views on life will hold, and I hope romance will be one of those things that I will pass on to my kids.

As far as "how to swim", we have had a few discussions on protection and what sex is with DSD who is of age to be curious. It wasn't in the context of "when your bf sleeps over", but rather "when you are ready, these are the things you might want to know". Whenever we discuss sex, we also discuss relationships.


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## kate3 (May 4, 2007)

I agree with the poster who brought up the issue of age and legal issues. The age of consent in my state is 16, and a 14 yo is not considered to be able to consent, even if they insisted the sex was voluntary.

Also, parents can be prosecuted as accessories to sexaul assault if they knowingly allowed the activity to occur in their home. Even if the other set of parents are in agreement with the relationship in the beginning, if the partnership dissolves (and with young teens this happens a lot) the parents of the heartbroken kid may resort to assault charges as a way of revenge.

I work exclusively with adolescents and this senario happens all the time. No matter how progressive, liberal, sex positive, or open-minded you are, be very careful of the ages of the teens involved. Fourteen is very young, and few states see it as the age of legal consent. Make sure you know the laws in the state you live in.


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

In my state 14 is legal (though 17 is the 'true' age of consent, up to a 20yo can have sex with a 14-16yo)


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## MommyTo3 (Aug 11, 2003)

My dd is almost 17 and her boyfriend is 18. This is the first boy she has ever called her "boyfriend" and I am almost certain they are having sex. She sleeps over at his place and he sleeps over here, although here they always sleep in the non-private open basement area. I have always thought that there is no point in forbidding sleepovers, since they get more privacy if I take my younger kids to the mall for two hours in the daytime, then if they are sleeping here and we are all home.

One night I had to drive my mom home to another state and stay overnight. She stayed with her brothers and the next day told me that BF slept over but they just slept, that they "didn't get to do anything"! (Too much information?)

I feel uncomfortable being a single parent now and dating, while SHE is single and dating. I don't want her to see me sleeping with the guy I just recently started getting close to. Also, I am embarassed when adult friends find out she has sleepovers with her boyfriend, because every single one is shocked. But I can't figure out the advantage in forbidding it, either!

It sounds like the moms on this forum are more like me on this issue than any of the people I actually know. That is a relief.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

The idea that women ( note these consent laws are more likely to only cover females) are not capable to consenting to sex before 18 ( the age it was in my state when I was growing up) is misogynist.


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
The idea that women ( note these consent laws are more likely to only cover females) are not capable to consenting to sex before 18 ( the age it was in my state when I was growing up) is misogynist.

Regardless, it's something a parent should know about before facilitating sexual encounters between minors.


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## AbundantLife (Jun 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fek&fuzz* 
Oriele,

Just keep in mind that those are you views on sex, and you can communicate them to your children, but it is still your children who will decide when and with whom they have sex. Their bodies belong to them, not you. And they get to decide.

And as Donna Martin said "If you have a swimming pool in the backyard, you can tell your kids not to go in, you can put up fences and gates and lock them, but if you know your kids are going to figure out a way to get in, don't you think you ought to teach them how to swim?"

Well, this is true, but don't we communicate our values and expectations to our children?
Also, this original post was about our children having sex in our homes which, of course, implies consent and condoning. Oriole (and me, by the way) don't allow our children to have sex in our homes, but that doesn't mean we're going to follow our children around 24/7 making sure they don't have sex.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oriole* 
Besides, there is only one way to be sure 100% that you are not pregnant, and that is not to have sex. No condom is 100% safe,

Yeah, they are only like 97% effective. I honestly believe that stressing to kids that birthcontrol isn't 100% makes kids less likely use birthcontrol, but not less likely to have sex.

I was sexually active for 11 years before I decided to become a parent, and birth control worked well for me for that whole time. I find the idea that people shouldn't have sex unless they want to have a baby completely bizarre.

According to that logic, I shouldn't have sex with my Dh because our family is complete.


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## Twinklefae (Dec 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oriole* 
I guess everyone goes by what they have experienced themselves. I'm in the camp that encourages kids to wait and be kids. I am a romantic, I knew dp for over a year before we were intimate, and I can't imagine it being half as special under any other circumstainces. Every date, every kiss, every time our hands touched was more and more intense. .


See to me that adds way too much pressure to a realtionship! Df and I (and also several "couple friends we know") started out as "friend with benefits". I'd never enjoyed sex more than when I didn't have to worry about looking silly or being perceived as bossy or too outspoken... I really enjoyed being able to relax with a good friend and explore what our bodies could do.

When we did come together romantically, it made it really nice that we already knew how to please it each other, and it was a non-issue. (Of course, we are both the kind of people who watch something "romantic" on TV and look at each other and say "GAG!".)

I lost my viginity when I was 17, had sleepoevers at my house, and was sooooo not in love with the guy, but I've never regretted it, because really, it got it out of the way. And that was the reason I consented to sex.

For those who don't think it's appropriate for 14-17 year olds to be having sex, when do you expect your children to begin? Honestly curious here.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
Yeah, they are only like 97% effective. I honestly believe that stressing to kids that birthcontrol isn't 100% makes kids less likely use birthcontrol, but not less likely to have sex.

I was sexually active for 11 years before I decided to become a parent, and birth control worked well for me for that whole time. I find the idea that people shouldn't have sex unless they want to have a baby completely bizarre.

I completely fail to see how a pregnant high schooler can compare to a married woman.

It is NOT the same to have an unplanned pregnancy while you are a teenager, who didn't even finish high school. I am not suggesting to have sex only when you want to have a baby (I would miss out on a lot of fun, wouldn't I? heh), but getting pregnant in a commited relationship is a whole different thing that having to juggle your classmates looks, stress of having to tell the parents, a boyfirend who broke up with you as soon as he found out (correct me if I'm wrong, but your husband is more likely to stay your husband than a high school bf in the face of these circumstances), and trying to figure out whether to get a job or to finish high school.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oriole* 
I completely fail to see how a pregnant high schooler can compare to a married woman.

It is NOT the same to have an unplanned pregnancy while you are a teenager, who didn't even finish high school. I am not suggesting to have sex only when you want to have a baby (I would miss out on a lot of fun, wouldn't I? heh), but getting pregnant in a commited relationship is a whole different thing that having to juggle your classmates looks, stress of having to tell the parents, a boyfirend who broke up with you as soon as he found out (correct me if I'm wrong, but your husband is more likely to stay your husband than a high school bf in the face of these circumstances), and trying to figure out whether to get a job or to finish high school.

Well, judging by the Single Parents forum and Parents as Partners, a wedding ring is far from a guarantee that a man won't decide he'd rather not be a husband and father after all...an unplanned pregnancy puts a strain on any relationship. It's always a good idea to use reliable contraception unless you are actively trying to conceive.

For our family, I feel that preventing unwanted pregnancy is more important than preventing sexual activity.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Well, judging by the Single Parents forum and Parents as Partners, a wedding ring is far from a guarantee that a man won't decide he'd rather not be a husband and father after all...an unplanned pregnancy puts a strain on any relationship. It's always a good idea to use reliable contraception unless you are actively trying to conceive.

For our family, I feel that preventing unwanted pregnancy is more important than preventing sexual activity.

So even if even grown up adults and husbands have trouble living up to the stress of a situation, why would I want a child who didn't even as much as graduated high school faced with these decisions?..

And as I have mentioned before, there is no 100% reliable contraception.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oriole* 
So even if even grown up adults and husbands have trouble living up to the stress of a situation, why would I want a child who didn't even as much as graduated high school faced with these decisions?..

And as I have mentioned before, there is no 100% reliable contraception.

While there may be no 100% reliable contraception, informed use of what does exist certainly beats crossing your fingers and hoping that your daughter is not having sex.

The only sex education I got at school was "The best contraceptive is the word NO." I am one of the few girls from my school class that made it to age 20 without getting pregnant, so you can see how effective that piece of "sex education" was.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Twinklefae* 
I lost my viginity when I was 17, had sleepoevers at my house, and was sooooo not in love with the guy

Exactly the reason why I would want something better for my child, and another proof that not all kids will go out and do it, and sometimes it happens because parents don't mind bfs/guys staying over.

I realize it might not be a traumatic event at all, but I guess I just have a different view on life. The reason why divorces are high, imho, is because people don't know what relationships should look like, and it often starts in High School, where pressure is put on sex, vs. romance of the relationship.

I don't want to trivialize sex for my child, and I don't want her to think that three months into high school crash is a normal timeframe for having sex with a boy.

I want her to look for the magic of love, where evey touch is something special, and sex is not just sex, but making love. You don't see this message coming from her high school friends, or the media, and as a parent I would like to provide a different view on sex and relatinships in general for her.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
While there may be no 100% reliable contraception, informed use of what does exist certainly beats crossing your fingers and hoping that your daughter is not having sex.

The only sex education I got at school was "The best contraceptive is the word NO." I am one of the few girls from my school class that made it to age 20 without getting pregnant, so you can see how effective that piece of "sex education" was.

Exactly why I don't want my kid having sex while still in high school.

And this is not my main point in the discussions with my child. If you reread my posts you will see that I mention that we discuss sex and protection, and such, but never aside from relationships, and always within the context of consequences. So far she says she wants to wait until she is married (she is 14 atm), I am not sure if it will hold up, but I think it is a good start in the culture where it is well accepted for teenagers to do have sex without great emotional attachement or full realization of consequences.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think the subject of this post has anything to do with, "Would you let your teens have sex?" It was, "IF you let you kids have sex in your home. . .then. . ." This doesn't seem like the thread to debate teen sex.

I was not allowed to have sex in my home, but I did anyway. Things came up tha i wish I could have talked to my mother about, but I couldn't, because I was breaking the rules.

My kids are young and I haven't made any decisions about what my rules will be. I _would be concerned about legal ramifications if the other parents weren't aware or didn't approve, particularly if it was one of my boys and a girl and a pregnancy did result. These are questions that my husband and I still need to hash out._


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## AbundantLife (Jun 4, 2005)

I didn't have sex as a high schooler because:

I didn't want to get pregnant. (this was the most important reason)

I felt that sex was something to be shared between those in a committed relationship. I realized at a young age that I was fickle. I had strong feelings for one boy one week and another the next.

I wanted more out of a relationship and wanted to be respected. There were plenty of guys who would use a girl for sex and I preferred not to have a reputation.

My parents are liberal and have very liberal ideas when it comes to sex and life. However, they did not condone teen sex and I knew this. Believe it or not, this was another reason I didn't do it.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think the subject of this post has anything to do with, "Would you let your teens have sex?" It was, "IF you let you kids have sex in your home. . .then. . ." This doesn't seem like the thread to debate teen sex.


Discussions sometimes develop into something else, and i don't think it prevents people from answering the original question. If OP would have stated that opinions on teen sex are not for this thread, I wouldn't have posted. Usually when people want a certain flow for the discussion on a difficult topic they say "support only" in the opening post.

I figured since others were replying to my statements, then others were interested in continuing this discussion?.. I try to keep my replies respectful and as long as others are doing the same I see no issue in posting here. Am I wrong?


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## Gendenwitha (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oriole* 
I figured since others were replying to my statements, then others were interested in continuing this discussion?.. I try to keep my replies respectful and as long as others are doing the same I see no issue in posting here. Am I wrong?

In general, no. In this instance, I think we should probably stay with the original topic because the related topics are so volatile they would easily take over the thread (although I think a link to a new thread would be fine) also, the people who can answer it from experience are a lot fewer than those with an opinion on the broader topic, and not being at this age just yet, who I'd really like to hear from are these people. Just my .02


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## boysrus (Dec 2, 2001)

I didn't say support only because it isn't a support thread. My oldest son is only 10, so I won't be dealing with it yet. The idea of being open to it is new to me. So I have lots of questions. I had hoped to keep it focused on people who are allowing it or will (which is why I entitled it as such). There is a multipage thread that is is spun off of that has been discusssing the pros and cons.


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## alllyssa (Sep 1, 2004)

"isn't it the job of the other parent to know where their child is and what they are doing? Don't most parents want to know where their child is spending the night and talk to the other parents? Are their really teens who just leave for the night and their parents don't know where they are?"

Yes, it is the parents job to know where their kids are, but you'd be really shocked (I sure am) at how many times my kids have friends over and I don't know the kids or the parents and they never even walk their kid to the door when they drop them off.

I gues because we live in a nice neighborhood, they just expect that I'm actually here and there isn't a party going on.

My opinion about kids having friends of the opposite sex in our home is that they don't go upstairs or into their bedrooms. We supervise our kids in our home and expect that they "behave themselves" when they aren't home. For us this means no drinking, smoking, stealing, or sex. When they are paying for their own rent, car, health and car insurance, electric bill, food, etc. then they can make any decision they choose.

Luckily and so far, my kids have kept busy with school, music, scouts, and sports and we haven't had to deal with boyfriends and girlfriends yet, but I would never let them have sex in my home. And if I found out that one of their girlfriends/boyfriend's parents did, I would flip.


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## AEMOMMY (Feb 26, 2007)

Maybe I don't have a place in replying in this thread because my children are so young, but I'm having a hard time with all of this.

I have seen many mentions of teen pregnancy, but no mention of STDs and AIDS!!!!!! I mean, if you feel that you can't keep your kids from having sex that's one thing, but condoning it or endorsing it by allowing it to happen in your own home, I feel, is irresponsible. Having sex is a life changing action. It will effect the way they are treated by peers and in future relationships. Pregnancy and having a baby will effect the rest of their lives, forget about finishing high school, that is nothing compared to trying to continue into college and finding a good job. Don't get me started on diseases.

I lost my virginity to the man who is now my husband. I was 18. I am sorry that I decided to have sex with him when I did.

Good for you Oriole, for sticking to your guns!


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## lovesdaffodils (Jul 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AEMOMMY* 
I mean, if you feel that you can't keep your kids from having sex that's one thing, but condoning it or endorsing it by allowing it to happen in your own home, I feel, is irresponsible. Having sex is a life changing action.

I only have a toddler myself, but that never stopped me from having an opinion on anything before.









If a person feels (and I basically do as well) that people are going to have sex when THEY are ready, no matter age and circumstances, how is it irresponsible to give them a safe space to explore their sexual relationship? Is it somehow more responsible to relegate teen sexual activity to the backseat of someone's car? I think that my kids having sex in my home with access to birth control, condoms, and good information is a much better way to start their sexual lives. I am going to assume that the mamas here who have such an open and sex positive environment for their teens will have given them a thorough education on not only pregnancy but STDs as well.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Bottom line is that the sex positive parents here, of which I am one, have a completely different value system than those that are teaching abstinance until marriage.

And those of you that are advocating abstinance until marriage are the very foundational cause of "judging by peers and family and friends" regarding sexual activity. And then use your own judgments as an means to control those that don't agree.

This is the year 2007. My mom dealt with the shunning for becoming pregnant while she was unmarried in the 60s and thankfully joined the sexual revolution and chose not to perpetuate that shameful attitude into my generation and I am raising an empowered teenage daughter that knows that she owns her body and she can choose when she is ready to have a sexual relationship.

Bottom line is that reasons like pregnancy and disease are tools used by those that espouse abstinance for religious or spiritual reasons. They are not valid reason in themselves in these modern times of birth control and health education and awareness. And the same goes for statutory rape laws. Those are not valid for me in regards to consentual sexual relationships between teens of similar age any more that sodomy laws in backward states stopped me from having oral sex * for example*.


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovesdaffodils* 
If a person feels (and I basically do as well) that people are going to have sex when THEY are ready, no matter age and circumstances,

gotta argue terminology with you a little bit; some people will start having sex regardless of whether they're ready or not

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovesdaffodils* 
I think that my kids having sex in my home with access to birth control, condoms, and good information is a much better way to start their sexual lives.

Since they're "going to drink anyway", do you plan to let children experience alcohol in your home? How about mj? I'm not being provocative here; I'm really curious as to how you (generic you, not you specifically) will handle introducing kids to other adult activities.


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## lovesdaffodils (Jul 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *griffin2004* 
gotta argue terminology with you a little bit; some people will start having sex regardless of whether they're ready or not

I'm not sure if you are referring to rape and abuse, or just being coerced before being ready? If it is the latter, then I hope that being raised in a sex positive environment and being able to discuss sex openly will help my child(ren) take more control of their sexuality and not have that happen. Obviously I can't guarantee that, but no one can guarantee that teaching their children abstinence or delayed sex is going to prevent that either.

Quote:

Since they're "going to drink anyway", do you plan to let children experience alcohol in your home? How about mj? I'm not being provocative here; I'm really curious as to how you (generic you, not you specifically) will handle introducing kids to other adult activities.
Actually, yes, my son (and future kids) will be introduced to alcohol in my home if he wants to try it, and we will often discuss all the issues around alcohol and its abuse. Marijuana is trickier because of the legal ramifications. But as I am not opposed to its use (I think it should be legal), I can't say outright that I would oppose it. I think we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. Obviously all of this is theory on my part since my kid is still a toddler.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 

And those of you that are advocating abstinance until marriage are the very foundational cause of "judging by peers and family and friends" regarding sexual activity. And then use your own judgments as an means to control those that don't agree.

Not sure how is it that I try to control anyone in any shape or form... by participating in the discussion on the subject?..

BTW, I have not said that I am for abstinance until marriage, although I do not look down upon those who do that. I simply stated that I would not host co-ed sleepover for my teenager under this roof, and explained my reasons for that. I also mentioned that DSD as of our last discussion on the subject (which included topics such as homosexual lifestyle, boys erection, condoms, and AIDS) says she thinks she will wait until she is married to have sex.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
My mom dealt with the shunning for becoming pregnant while she was unmarried in the 60s

I don't shame those who get pregnant without being married (be it a kid or an adult). I'm not sure why would you bring that up, because I'll be right there defending your mother's right to raise a child with a signed paper or without it.
My only point here is that it is a lot harder to raise a child if you are still a high school student, and that I would rather my kid experience motherhood in a more relaxed and prepared way than unplanned teenage pregnancy.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 

Bottom line is that reasons like pregnancy and disease are tools used by those that espouse abstinance for religious or spiritual reasons. They are not valid reason in themselves in these modern times of birth control and health education and awareness.

Well.. tell that to the 16 y.o. in my old high school who ended up dropping out and going back two years later because she had a baby... and according to her they used protection. *shrug* If you go into the childbirth section on this forum you will see a few moms who were on a pill and got pregnant. To me it is a very valid reasoning, even if it is "modern times".

BTW, my reasons are neither religious nor strictly spiritual, unless you assing having romantic nature and belief in building strong relationship before sex to spirituality.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gendenwitha* 
In general, no. In this instance, I think we should probably stay with the original topic because the related topics are so volatile they would easily take over the thread (although I think a link to a new thread would be fine) also, the people who can answer it from experience are a lot fewer than those with an opinion on the broader topic, and not being at this age just yet, who I'd really like to hear from are these people. Just my .02


That's what I meant. I didn't mean to come off in a "How dare you comment?" sort of way - just that I, personally, am interested in hearing responses from people who are open to their teens having sex in their home, and the discussion of whether that position is correct or not makes it difficult to sort out the answers to the original question.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
I am raising an empowered teenage daughter that knows that she owns her body and she can choose when she is ready to have a sexual relationship.

Bottom line is that reasons like pregnancy and disease are tools used by those that espouse abstinance for religious or spiritual reasons. They are not valid reason in themselves in these modern times of birth control and health education and awareness.

I loved your whole post!


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Oriole, sorry it wasn't more clear that I was using the term you in the general plural sense and not to any specific poster. Posters can decide for themselves if they fit the description that I posted.

Thanks Linda


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovesdaffodils* 
I'm not sure if you are referring to rape and abuse, or just being coerced before being ready?

none of the above; I'm referring to having sex because you want to and not giving 2 rat fannies whether you're emotionally, psychologically, etc., ready to do so; I've never met a 14 yr old (including myself!) who had that kind of insight or maturity; when my first serious sexual situation presented itself my thoughts were more along the lines of "yee haw!" rather than a soul searching "am I ready for this"; my guess is that I'm not alone in that

my DD (4) wants to do lots of things she's not ready for; isn't it my job as her mother to keep her safe until she has the judgment and maturity? there's a lot more to being "ready" for sex (whatever that means) than knowing how to put on a condom


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## AbundantLife (Jun 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
Bottom line is that the sex positive parents here, of which I am one, have a completely different value system than those that are teaching abstinance until marriage.

And those of you that are advocating abstinance until marriage are the very foundational cause of "judging by peers and family and friends" regarding sexual activity. And then use your own judgments as an means to control those that don't agree.

This is the year 2007. My mom dealt with the shunning for becoming pregnant while she was unmarried in the 60s and thankfully joined the sexual revolution and chose not to perpetuate that shameful attitude into my generation and I am raising an empowered teenage daughter that knows that she owns her body and she can choose when she is ready to have a sexual relationship.

Bottom line is that reasons like pregnancy and disease are tools used by those that espouse abstinance for religious or spiritual reasons. They are not valid reason in themselves in these modern times of birth control and health education and awareness. And the same goes for statutory rape laws. Those are not valid for me in regards to consentual sexual relationships between teens of similar age any more that sodomy laws in backward states stopped me from having oral sex * for example*.

Sex positive? Why do we have to continue to define ourselves by such limited terms? I guess that makes me sex "negative?"







The bottom line here is that I want my children to remain children for as long as possible and once you cross the line, so to speak, your child is entering what I feel is adult responsiblity. Why in the world would I encourage my 14 year old to explore his sexual feelings with his girlfriend when he cannot even remember to turn in his homework??

I am not controlling anyone who doesn't still *need* my control and my children need it.

You know, if they choose to lie in their beds and masturbate while fantasizing about a girl, that is a choice that I am A-OK with. There are plenty of ways that CHILDREN are sexual without sexual intercourse.

I just cannot believe a parent, especially these days, would actually encourage or condone sex between young teens. My son cannot legally work, nor can his girlfriend. If he got a girl pregnant, his life (not to mention hers) would be drastically altered and that is not a possibility that I am willing to deal with while I am still supporting him.


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## lovesdaffodils (Jul 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *griffin2004* 
none of the above; I'm referring to having sex because you want to and not giving 2 rat fannies whether you're emotionally, psychologically, etc., ready to do so; I've never met a 14 yr old (including myself!) who had that kind of insight or maturity; when my first serious sexual situation presented itself my thoughts were more along the lines of "yee haw!" rather than a soul searching "am I ready for this"; my guess is that I'm not alone in that

my DD (4) wants to do lots of things she's not ready for; isn't it my job as her mother to keep her safe until she has the judgment and maturity? there's a lot more to being "ready" for sex (whatever that means) than knowing how to put on a condom

Ah okay. Personally I don't think having sex requires a lot of soul searching. I had sex the first time because I wanted to and the opportunity was there. I wasn't in the love with the person, and I wasn't actually in a relationship with him either. So I guess you could say I was in the "yee haw" camp.







But I still consider that I was ready for it. So when I said that teens will have sex when they are ready, I simply meant, they will have sex for their own reasons at their own time, and restrictions placed by parents won't really matter.

I didn't feel that I was drastically changed by becoming sexually active like some posters (not you griffin2004) have been painting it as. To me, sex just isn't as huge a deal. I have had casual sex that was fun and had no strings attached, and I've had earth-shattering sex with my DH that came from a deep spiritual connection. But it was the emotional relationship that was important, rather than the physical acts.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *griffin2004* 
gotta argue terminology with you a little bit; some people will start having sex regardless of whether they're ready or not

Since they're "going to drink anyway", do you plan to let children experience alcohol in your home? How about mj? I'm not being provocative here; I'm really curious as to how you (generic you, not you specifically) will handle introducing kids to other adult activities.

My kids are welcome to a small glass of wine with sunday dinner allready, and they are welcome to one SMALL occasional drink if they ask. MJ is illegal and I'm allergic, so no, never....


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I won't forbid it, and I'd rather she not tell me about it, lol. Ofcourse she can come to me with a problem, and she'll have been fully educated before it happens (allready almost fully educated about it at age 11). I just couldn't handle knowing for sure that she was doing it YKWIM.


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## Starr (Mar 16, 2005)

This is only my opinion so you can take it for what it is. But Dh and I dated in high school and it wasn't that long ago. My parents were a lot more open than his and I think knew more of what was going on. My mom basically said when the time came just to make sure we had some kind of protection and if I wanted her too she would get me on the pill. Well for other reasons I was already put on BCP at 12, but we did make it a point to be extra careful. I knew sleep overs would not be allowed so that wasn't an issue. On several occasions I remember my mom asking what do DH's parents think about ____? That was sort of her way of finding out their comfort level. It worked well without her feeling the need to inform them.


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## abomgardner417 (Jun 19, 2007)

For those that are open to teens having sex - how do you deal with HPV which isn't preventable with condoms? Also, does anyone feel there is an age that IS too early? Just curious.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

How do you deal with HPV at 25? Same thing. Age is not a determining factor in getting HPV.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

My kids are welcome to have some alcohol at home. They have before, but it's not been often.







They know that pot is illegal and they respect that even if they wanted to do it, they don't want to put any legal issues onto me or my home. (I am not a smoker, of anything.) So we've discussed pot, and they may try it someday, but it will be when they are responsible for themselves legally.

I hope my kids will wait a bit for sexual relationships, and I have shared my reasons and thoughts on that with them. What they actually do will be up to them. They are 16 and almost 14, and neither of them dates yet or anything. I figure that all the talking we do about it is the very best thing to prepare them for their sexual futures. We don't give to flips about waiting for marriage. I don't even care if they ever get married actually. I just care that they are safe, respected, and making their own decisions. If later they end up being sexually active in our home I see no reason that would be an automatic problem. I have sex here after all.









Being postive about sex even outside of marriage or even for teenagers doesn't mean you'd encourage them to go hop on top of every person they see. It doesn't mean you'd never discuss things or share concerns.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I won't forbid it, and I'd rather she not tell me about it, lol. Ofcourse she can come to me with a problem, and she'll have been fully educated before it happens (allready almost fully educated about it at age 11). I just couldn't handle knowing for sure that she was doing it YKWIM.

Don't you think that will make it hard for her to really feel like she can come to you? No snark, just an honest question. If she feels like you are totally wierded out by her being sexual I would worry that she'd feel she needs to keep it to herself or that you really didn't want to hear it.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Oh and about the HPV thing, just noticed this thread posted on MDC about HPV being found under fingernails.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=730855


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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

I find this whole thing verrry interesting on several levels.

I had sex for the first time at 17. Don't regret it one bit.
Am a statistic for teenage pregnancy in GA.
Have been with my HS sweetheart for going on 12 yrs now. (Married for 4).
Never spent the night with him. Both of us grew up in EXTREMELY strict religious households (as in virgin until marriage or death type homes)

I consider myself to be very sex positive. However, I am not planning on hosting any boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers. Not because of sexual aspects, but because it's not in my comfort level. I educate my children on sexuality and will be supportive of when they decide to begin exploration, of course I hope it will be "emotionally meaningful" but truthfully I couldn't care less as long as they are comfortable. As far as the age debate, it really depends on the child. There were many 14 yr olds that I knew that were more responsible than 18 yr olds...so go figure.

Sexuality is a natural progression into adulthood. I will not stifle or shame this curiosity and instinct.

I guess I'm also "one of the impossible few" that did have that level of committment that's non-existant in today's teenagers? Maybe instead of worrying about our teenagers having sex (which will happen with or without sleepovers) perhaps we should be preparing our children on HOW to pick their partners! Maybe we should be arming them with knowledge both on BC AND on what the red flags of domestic violence are. What makes a "nice guy". The fact that how a man treats his mother (and/or sisters) can give a clue on how he'll treat you. How to talk/listen to women. How intelligence is just as important as breasts. How to treat a woman as an equal. That to me is MUCH more important than whether or not my 15 yr old is experimenting with sex.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
Don't you think that will make it hard for her to really feel like she can come to you? No snark, just an honest question. If she feels like you are totally wierded out by her being sexual I would worry that she'd feel she needs to keep it to herself or that you really didn't want to hear it.

It may, but I'm not going to be able to lie to her about my comfort in order to help that either. She allready knows that she can come to me and I won't be upset with her or lecture her....I will help her.....but I will also probably cry because my baby isn't a baby anymore etc, lol. I don't see how it'd be helpful trying to hide my feelings from her. I don't want her to hide hers from me either.


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## InaX5 (Aug 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shaina* 
i was 17 the first time i had sex and in no way regretted it so i donot believe that all studies are right some people are ready at 15,16, or 17 in ancient times people starting having sex as young as 12 so i really don't see the problem with being as old as 16

I think the difference between ancient times, (even just 200 yrs ago) & today is how we raise our children. Teens today are not adults, they are teens. Once upon a time there was no such thing as a teen, they were adults, with all the maturity that goes along with it.

My question would be how mature are they? Do they still behave like teens, or do they have the maturity of an adult? Can they handle the possible outcomes? Birth control & condoms don't stop every pregnancy. Can their partner me trusted sexually? Are they mature enough to question their partner about past partners (thinking STD's here because condoms won't guarantee prevention in this area either). My oldest is not here yet my my sisters dd has been. She waited until age 20. She states her reason being is that after seeing me give birth 3 times she wanted to wait until she was mature enough to handle labour (best sex -ed course ever







).

Basically I don't know if you can put an age on mature enough to handle sex & all that comes with it. But I do think that the parents of teens should pass on the info - is that what you would want?


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *InaX5* 
She states her reason being is that after seeing me give birth 3 times she wanted to wait until she was mature enough to handle labour (best sex -ed course ever







).

funny side note -- one of my friends was raising her teenage half sister, as well as her own small children. The younger sister was our baby sitter and she and I would often chat. She told me one day that her big sis was driving her crazy trying to talk to her about sex and birth control and the importance of being very careful, and that this was a very awkward conversation because the teenager couldn't figure out how to be completely honest with her.

She wanted to tell her big sis that after living with her small children for 2 years, she didn't want kids until she was at least 30 and wouldn't dream of doing anything even vaguely risky. She couldn't work out how to explain to her big sis that her children were a walking ad for using multiple forms of birth control without sounding really rude!


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

:


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## lovesdaffodils (Jul 11, 2007)




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## trmpetplaya (May 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *attachedmamaof3* 
I find this whole thing verrry interesting on several levels.

I had sex for the first time at 17. Don't regret it one bit.
Am a statistic for teenage pregnancy in GA.
Have been with my HS sweetheart for going on 12 yrs now. (Married for 4).
Never spent the night with him. Both of us grew up in EXTREMELY strict religious households (as in virgin until marriage or death type homes)

I consider myself to be very sex positive. However, I am not planning on hosting any boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers. Not because of sexual aspects, but because it's not in my comfort level. I educate my children on sexuality and will be supportive of when they decide to begin exploration, of course I hope it will be "emotionally meaningful" but truthfully I couldn't care less as long as they are comfortable. As far as the age debate, it really depends on the child. There were many 14 yr olds that I knew that were more responsible than 18 yr olds...so go figure.

Sexuality is a natural progression into adulthood. I will not stifle or shame this curiosity and instinct.

I guess I'm also "one of the impossible few" that did have that level of committment that's non-existant in today's teenagers? Maybe instead of worrying about our teenagers having sex (which will happen with or without sleepovers) perhaps we should be preparing our children on HOW to pick their partners! Maybe we should be arming them with knowledge both on BC AND on what the red flags of domestic violence are. What makes a "nice guy". The fact that how a man treats his mother (and/or sisters) can give a clue on how he'll treat you. How to talk/listen to women. How intelligence is just as important as breasts. How to treat a woman as an equal. That to me is MUCH more important than whether or not my 15 yr old is experimenting with sex.

I agree with you on all counts. I was barely 18 when dh and I first had sex (we dated in high school as well) and he was 17.5 at that point. Neither of us regret it and we're still together. We're 24 years old now and have been married for almost 4 years and dating for almost 7. Both of our parents were strict "wait till marriage" type-parents as well. We had sex a couple of times at dh's parents' house when they weren't home. We would never have dared to try that at my parents' house though...

We spent a lot of quality time in cars...

love and peace.


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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

LOL...cars and DP's basement were our best friends!!


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## Starr (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *trmpetplaya* 
I agree with you on all counts. I was barely 18 when dh and I first had sex (we dated in high school as well) and he was 17.5 at that point. Neither of us regret it and we're still together. We're 24 years old now and have been married for almost 4 years and dating for almost 7. Both of our parents were strict "wait till marriage" type-parents as well. We had sex a couple of times at dh's parents' house when they weren't home. We would never have dared to try that at my parents' house though...

We spent a lot of quality time in cars...

love and peace.









Thats pretty much how we are. I have a good story a year after we were married we moved into our house and DH and my dad were setting up our bed, which used to be my old bed when I was at home. They both started attaching the headboard to the frame and my dad said something like yeah I remember this was a pian when she was at home (getting the screws to line up at once). DH clearly NOT THINKING said yeah I can't count the number of times I had to unscrew the headboard to keep it from banging.







My dad just looked at him and started laughing but DH was so embarrassed...


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

:


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## Gendenwitha (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starr* 
Thats pretty much how we are. I have a good story a year after we were married we moved into our house and DH and my dad were setting up our bed, which used to be my old bed when I was at home. They both started attaching the headboard to the frame and my dad said something like yeah I remember this was a pian when she was at home (getting the screws to line up at once). DH clearly NOT THINKING said yeah I can't count the number of times I had to unscrew the headboard to keep it from banging.







My dad just looked at him and started laughing but DH was so embarrassed...

Gee, a pillow behind the headboard worked for me...







:







You don't know how hard I'm trying to laugh quietly so I don't wake the baby!

As to my .02 (although my oldest are 9 & 10):
For starters, my kids will have actual copies of the law on statutory rape in their hands, as soon as I can find an excuse to get it to them (oh, your friend Johnny's dating Joanie? Isn't she a little young for him? Hmm, let's look that up.)

I think their comfort is more important than me being a little uncomfortable with it, I'd rather have them at home than at a friend's house or in their car. Especially since now with the new laws, if they were to be arrested for indecent exposure for having consensual sex in their car, they would both have to register as sex-offenders. (Which has really cut back on dh & my adventurous nature!








)


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

I find it interesting that everyone who answered the "would you allow your teens to consume alcohol and drugs in your home too" question said yes to alcohol but no to drugs "because they're illegal." But isn't alcohol consumption by a minor illegal too?


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## lovesdaffodils (Jul 11, 2007)

Well I didn't definitively say no to marijuana, but I did say that was a consideration (the legality). The difference, IMO, is that alcohol is not illegal to possess. So if someone just found alcohol in my home, there would be nothing illegal about that because it would be mine and I am over 21. However, if marijuana is found in my home, no matter who it belongs to I could get in trouble.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
I find it interesting that everyone who answered the "would you allow your teens to consume alcohol and drugs in your home too" question said yes to alcohol but no to drugs "because they're illegal." But isn't alcohol consumption by a minor illegal too?

If this is true it'd be illegal for them to take communion in church.

It's legal for a parent, on their own property and not in public, to allow their child to drink. Yes would get into trouble for letting your child get snockered, or drink in public, or drink to the detriment of their health.....but alcohol isn't a substance that you could loose your home over, like MJ is.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Why would you lose your home to MJ? Do you not realize that MJ in CA was decriminalized in the 70's? Yeah it's illegal to grow and sell although there is the medical MJ law there that allows growing small amounts. But possession or use of a small amount will not result in home siezure.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
Why would you lose your home to MJ? Do you not realize that MJ in CA was decriminalized in the 70's? Yeah it's illegal to grow and sell although there is the medical MJ law there that allows growing small amounts. But possession or use of a small amount will not result in home siezure.

I'd loose my home for a couple of reasons. It's STILL illegal to have it. Federal Law superceded state law, and the federal government doesnt' like what CA hasn't been doing, and has been stepping in. I don't have a medical MJ card and I don't want one. And we'd both loose our jobs, thus loosing our home. My husband is in Law Enforcement. He'd loose his job and forfiet his pension. I'd loose my job as a licensed daycare. No job, no house. And there are still loopholes to sieze property that are being used where possible.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
How do you deal with HPV at 25? Same thing. Age is not a determining factor in getting HPV.

But there's a vax that will help prevent it!


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## Tradd (Sep 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
If this is true it'd be illegal for them to take communion in church.

It's legal for a parent, on their own property and not in public, to allow their child to drink. Yes would get into trouble for letting your child get snockered, or drink in public, or drink to the detriment of their health.....but alcohol isn't a substance that you could loose your home over, like MJ is.

There was a case here in the Chicago area recently. Parents in an upscale suburb had a party for their teenager & friends. Alcohol provided. At least 1 kid later died in a drunk-driving accident. The parents were arrested and went to trial, although I can't remember the outcome.

So, yeah, you could lose your house.


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## holly6737 (Dec 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbundantLife* 
I didn't have sex as a high schooler because:

I didn't want to get pregnant. (this was the most important reason)

I felt that sex was something to be shared between those in a committed relationship. I realized at a young age that I was fickle. I had strong feelings for one boy one week and another the next.

I wanted more out of a relationship and wanted to be *respected.* There were plenty of guys who would use a girl for sex and I preferred not to have a reputation.

My parents are liberal and have very liberal ideas when it comes to sex and life. However, they did not condone teen sex and I knew this. Believe it or not, this was another reason I didn't do it.

ITA!!! Honestly I'm extremely shocked that someone would condone sex in their house between teenagers. I totally agree that condoms should be available to kids free of charge in public places, like school, but I absolutely do not agree with encouraging sex among teenagers and people who aren't in a committed relationship. Have you never known anyone that's died from HIV?







:

BTW- If I had a 14 year old daughter and that 14 year old daughter had a boyfriend and that boyfriend's parents told me that they were allowing them to have sex in their home I would be taking the parents to court- criminal and civil. It would not be pretty.


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## Changed (Mar 14, 2004)

My oldest is still only in second grade but I read here, it's coming and I want to know how to deal with it.

Basically, if my daughter was willing to use BC at all times and terminate any pregnancy that occurred before she was an adult, I'd be ok with her being sexually active. In my home even! DH will probably not agree with that.

I don't know if I am what is considered sex positive, but I'd like to be. I don't like the shaming of what comes very naturally in teens. I'd really prefer that my daughter didn't date children of right wing types to prevent a lot of the problems that might arise from such a huge difference in morals and ethics.

And just curious, what the hell does romance have to do with abstinence or sex? People can't seriously believe there is no romance in pre-marital sex?!? "I want more for my daughter" is a condescending way of saying that parents who have different values don't care as much about their children. I want my DD to live and have sex on her own terms. Not be stifled and guilted by someone else's religion, God, status or reputation. Sounds kind of offensive when you turn it around like that doesn't it?


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## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)

Mine are all still babies, but I plan to be very open about sex with them. They are free to have sex, legally. As long as they're both over the consent ages, it is of their own decision. In my home, out of my home, makes no difference to me. She would have to be on birth control and using protection for me to be ok with it though. I will provide both, no questions asked. Sleepovers are perfectly fine with me too.

Providing a safe place and safe sex practices for teens does not mean you're encouraging them to have sex. It just means you've got your head out of the sand and you're acknowledging it IS happening and you're taking the precautions to not end up with a pregnant or sick teen.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tradd* 
There was a case here in the Chicago area recently. Parents in an upscale suburb had a party for their teenager & friends. Alcohol provided. At least 1 kid later died in a drunk-driving accident. The parents were arrested and went to trial, although I can't remember the outcome.

So, yeah, you could lose your house.

There is a big, big difference between allowing your own teen to have a glass of wine with dinner, and letting a bunch of kids get drunk and then drive home. Besides the fact that the first one is morally fine and the second one isn't, in the first case the law would never be involved, the the second it very well could be.


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbundantLife* 

The bottom line here is that I want my children to remain children for as long as possible and once you cross the line, so to speak, your child is entering what I feel is adult responsiblity.

it always bothers me that people think children don't have sexualities. they do. there is no real "innocence" to childhood IMO and i'm not being cynical. my point is just, i was as sexual at 13 as i am now. i had sex at 15 and don't regret it one bit. i consented as fully as i consent to sex now, with a good awareness of the risks and consequences.

my ONLY regret is not being able to talk to my parents about any of it and slinking around feigning shame (when i wasn't really ashamed at all) because i knew i was breaking a "rule."


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## Amber Lion (Sep 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *holly6737* 
BTW- If I had a 14 year old daughter and that 14 year old daughter had a boyfriend and that boyfriend's parents told me that they were allowing them to have sex in their home I would be taking the parents to court- criminal and civil. It would not be pretty.

Wow! You would place responsibility for your DAUGHTER'S choices on the parents of her chosen sexual partner?!?! Like your daughter has no say in it at all?!?! Give your hypothetical daughter some credit already.


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## holly6737 (Dec 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jörð* 
"I want more for my daughter" is a condescending way of saying that parents who have different values don't care as much about their children. I want my DD to live and have sex on her own terms. Not be stifled and guilted by someone else's religion, God, status or reputation. Sounds kind of offensive when you turn it around like that doesn't it?

It might sound offensive, but it's accurate. Yes, I want more for my kids than mutual masturbation. Sex is the union of two souls in the spirit of love, commitment, celebration of that love, trust and safety. It's not something to be taken lightly, it is sacred. I don't believe this way because of any religion or any God, but because that is what my body and my heart tell me. I want my sons growing up having respect for women and their bodies. How can they respect women and their bodies if every girl they come across is so insecure in herself and so in need of approval to just let anyone inside of her? An atmosphere of complete permissiveness when it comes to adolescent sex absolutely fosters and nurtures the objectification of women. I don't know what flavor of feminism you all subscribe to, but my flavor of feminism is against disrespecting women, against the objectification of women and against rape (and girls having sex under the age of consent is rape no matter what shade you color it).

I suppose what it all boils down to is your value system. My value system (which is not based on any God or religion as much as some of you might like to think) tells me that sex is more that an exchange of fluids. I guess if someone else's value system tells them that sex is merely a physical transaction and nothing more, then sure, let your CHILDREN have sex in your home. Just make sure to be responsible about it and drive them to the health department every three months for a complete STD/HIV screening, and be prepared for any of the tests to come back positive, because whether you think they're using condoms consistently or not, it is a possibility.


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## loriforeman (Aug 18, 2007)

i've raised my children to believe that sex is beautiful and natural, and to understand how the body and mind react to it. i've encouraged them to explore their own emotions, and to be prepared for the urging of hormones.

in addition to my four girls, 14, 11, 9, and 4, i raised my step-daughter. she's now 22. the best thing i did for her was to teach her to be her OWN person. to be able to say "no" because she wasn't ready. to think for herself. she waited for sex until she was eighteen and ready to handle it. i was seventeen, and also ready.

there's nothing more beautiful and special than the human body, and how it reacts. sex is fun, sex is empowering...and darn it, it FEELS GOOD. that doesn't mean i want my CHILD having it.

when hailey would go to the movies with friends, she'd turn around...and i'd be there. when she went dancing...there i was. our relationship was so special, she'd just invite me to come along. on new years, she was allowed a glass of wine or champagne. did she drink when she became an adult? a little, but not excessively.

when she had her first sexual experience, she told me about it...we openly discuss sex and partners now...positions...that sort of thing. sex isn't shameful, but i'm not having my kids engage in activities that they are not emotionally prepared to handle...and not under my roof.

if she (or one of her sisters) were at a boyfriend's house, and his parents allowed sexual relations on their premises, i would definitely consider legal ramifications. and YES, i would want to know that they allowed such.

of course, my children aren't allowed in houses that have cigarette smoke, either. *shrugs*

and in my opinion, if you're actually ready to HAVE sex, you should also be able to tell your parents AND his. if you can't talk about it...


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## holly6737 (Dec 21, 2006)

She would be 14. That's a minor and under the age of consent, which means she didn't "choose" anything.


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## Amber Lion (Sep 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *holly6737* 
It might sound offensive, but it's accurate. Yes, I want more for my kids than mutual masturbation. Sex is the union of two souls in the spirit of love, commitment, celebration of that love, trust and safety. It's not something to be taken lightly, it is sacred. I don't believe this way because of any religion or any God, but because that is what my body and my heart tell me. I want my sons growing up having respect for women and their bodies. How can they respect women and their bodies if every girl they come across is so insecure in herself and so in need of approval to just let anyone inside of her? An atmosphere of complete permissiveness when it comes to adolescent sex absolutely fosters and nurtures the objectification of women. I don't know what flavor of feminism you all subscribe to, but my flavor of feminism is against disrespecting women, against the objectification of women and against rape (and girls having sex under the age of consent is rape no matter what shade you color it).

I suppose what it all boils down to is your value system. My value system (which is not based on any God or religion as much as some of you might like to think) tells me that sex is more that an exchange of fluids. I guess if someone else's value system tells them that sex is merely a physical transaction and nothing more, then sure, let your CHILDREN have sex in your home. Just make sure to be responsible about it and drive them to the health department every three months for a complete STD/HIV screening, and be prepared for any of the tests to come back positive, because whether you think they're using condoms consistently or not, it is a possibility.

Wow. (I guess that's all I can say to your posts







) You are assuming that you can judge from the outside what a sex act means to the participants. You are assuming that being a sex positive parent is teaching your daughter to "have such low self esteem she lets any guy inside her". You are assuming that a woman under an arbitrary numerical age that you have never met is unable to make an important life decision for herself.

Those assumptions are based on your own beliefs and I do not appreciate you using them to make blanket statements about women. I was NOT raped when I chose to have sex under the age of consent. I WAS able to make that decision for myself. I don't care that you feel YOU were unable to make that decision, that sex before the age of consent can only be an exchange of bodily fluids AND rape and therefore abhorrent TO YOU, but please... do not put your judgments on everyone else, because they do not apply.

ETA: What could possibly be more respectful of women than allowing THEM to make their own choices and morals regarding sex?


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## Changed (Mar 14, 2004)

I guess it's a matter of what you believe the act of sex to mean. I don't believe it's "the union of two souls in the spirit of love, commitment, celebration of that love, trust and safety" Haven't you ever had great sex with someone you didn't love? I have and I've only regretted not doing it a few more times!

I hope that my children will wait until they are adults. Most of the time that doesn't happen and I'd like them to be safe.


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

I think some of us have different views on what sex is and why people want to engage in it.

Sex can be a meeting of souls, yes, and that is so beautiful when it happens. But I also find value in sex when I am bored, sex when I am sad and want to feel close and snuggling isn't achieving that, sex when I am physically aroused and want to "exchange fluids..." There are lots of reasons people have sex and I don't discount ones that don't fit a certain romanticized ideal. This is my opinion.

(While on the subject of romance, someone mentioned on the other thread about the tensions and sexually charged encounters with a boyfriend and she likened that to "romance." I also have a very different idea of what romance means....and when I used the word "romanticized" in the paragraph above, I wasn't referring to romance as in flowers and candies, I mean sort of overly idealized and lofty, the way it was historically meant.)


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## Jennyfur (Jan 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loriforeman* 
i've raised my children to believe that sex is beautiful and natural, and to understand how the body and mind react to it. i've encouraged them to explore their own emotions, and to be prepared for the urging of hormones.

in addition to my four girls, 14, 11, 9, and 4, i raised my step-daughter. she's now 22. the best thing i did for her was to teach her to be her OWN person. to be able to say "no" because she wasn't ready. to think for herself. she waited for sex until she was eighteen and ready to handle it. i was seventeen, and also ready.

there's nothing more beautiful and special than the human body, and how it reacts. sex is fun, sex is empowering...and darn it, it FEELS GOOD. that doesn't mean i want my CHILD having it.

when hailey would go to the movies with friends, she'd turn around...and i'd be there. when she went dancing...there i was. our relationship was so special, she'd just invite me to come along. on new years, she was allowed a glass of wine or champagne. did she drink when she became an adult? a little, but not excessively.

when she had her first sexual experience, she told me about it...we openly discuss sex and partners now...positions...that sort of thing. sex isn't shameful, but i'm not having my kids engage in activities that they are not emotionally prepared to handle...and not under my roof.

if she (or one of her sisters) were at a boyfriend's house, and his parents allowed sexual relations on their premises, i would definitely consider legal ramifications. and YES, i would want to know that they allowed such.

of course, my children aren't allowed in houses that have cigarette smoke, either. *shrugs*

and in my opinion, if you're actually ready to HAVE sex, you should also be able to tell your parents AND his. if you can't talk about it...

Excellent post & ITA!









I don't even let my kids start dating until they're 16.


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## jlmack45 (Jun 18, 2007)

I saw this thread and wanted to add a perspective I had not seen yet... I was talked into my first sexual encounter (we were both 17). It was my decision, but I made it thinking that I was going to lose my boyfriend if I didn't finally give in. I obviously cared a lot more for him than he cared for me, we broke up shortly after. Some of you have described sex as a nautral, beautiful, special time for exploration and such. You make is sound so pleasant. I don't think that you can actually feel those feelings until you are mature enough to see the relationship for what it is instead of what you want it to be. Most girls have these notions when they "give it up" for the first time, that they will "love" him forever and he feels the same way. How often does this really happen?
"basically, if my daughter was willing to use BC at all times and terminate any pregnancy that occurred before she was an adult, I'd be ok with her being sexually active. In my home even! DH will probably not agree with that"QUOTED
If she was mature enough to be having sex to begin with, then she had better be ready to be a parent. Are you seriously stating that it would be ok with you for your teen to have sex as long as she terminated the NATURAL consequence of sex?? Isn't the real point of sex for population and mating? Not just because it is natural and feels good.

On the idea of my child having sex in my home..I would never allow it. When he/she is ready I will talk to them about it(no matter who brings up the subject) but they will not do it in my house. I did the deed, then birthed that child myself and I would not be ok with hearing him/her moaning and groaning in the next bedroom. No matter what age!! I would never have sex at my inlaws house out of respect for them and embarassment for myself.


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## holly6737 (Dec 21, 2006)

No, I've never had great sex with someone I didn't love. I've had 2 sexual partners in my entire life. One was a guy in college that I had been dating for 3 years. I was afraid he was going to leave me and I thought sex would make him love me. Wrong. Horrible sex by the way. Never orgasmed, totally unfulfilling sex, I wouldn't even call it sex, it was more of a physical activity, it meant nothing. Then there was and is, Avram, with whom sex is definitely a "meeting of two souls" and only takes place in the spirit of love, trust, commitment and safety- regardless of whether we're bored, sad or aroused. It is incredible, orgasmic and absolutely mind-blowing. I was and am, by the way, Avram's first and only sexual partner. That was by choice and it definitely wasn't a religious choice.

I don't want my kids to have sex before college at least, but I also know I can't stop them. If they want to have sex, they will find a way. Which is why, from the beginning, they will learn that sex is a beautiful act between two people who love each other, and that they should respect their and women's bodies. They will also know where to get condoms, the extreme importance of wearing them and where the health department is. I can't stop them from having sex, but that doesn't mean I need to help them have sex either. I will not encourage or facilitate sex in my home between teenagers. Ever. And that's because I want to protect my children and I feel that this is a very important way to do so, personally, for my family. Sex is a very adult decision/act that leads to very adult consequences. I don't see anything childish about HIV, pregnancy or any of the other incurable sexually transmitted diseases.


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## delfin (Jul 11, 2007)

Well, my baby is in my womb still, but i ve been thinking of this. to the OP question, i say yes depending on how big my house is!!
I wouldnt encourage casual meaningless sex. I dont think sex is a means to keep a boyfriend, that attitude is showing a great deal of insecurity. But I think that if you want to have sex, and you dont because of fear of waht people might think, shows a great deal of insecurity too.
I believe sex is magical, and i had sex with many people and i wasnt in love with all of them, but theres a connection that is gonna be there always. and i think that the connection sex creates not always ends in marriage. I had sex and after became really good friends with that person. So, in that way, for me it was about love, trust, bonding...but not neccesarily in a romantic relationship way. I had sex and fell in love a few times, and the relationship ended at some point. I dont think thats a failure, is just that as a couple we gave each other enough and it was time for our love to mutate and manifest in a different way.
What I dont like about this thing of wait till you get married is...what if you dont want to get married?Or waht if you dont want to do it after college?Then you dont have sex? Why is a social convention more valid than your own feelings?


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jlmack45* 
If she was mature enough to be having sex to begin with, then she had better be ready to be a parent. Are you seriously stating that it would be ok with you for your teen to have sex as long as she terminated the NATURAL consequence of sex?? Isn't the real point of sex for population and mating? Not just because it is natural and feels good.

Well, I am not the previous poster, but I'll bite. I don't think you have to be ready to be a parent to have sex. My family is complete, yet I continue to have a sexual relationship with my partner.

The "point" of sex is different for each person. I believe that the decision whether to carry a pregnancy to term is always that of the woman involved, and her age is irrelevant. I certainly wouldn't be in favor of forcing someone to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term as "punishment" for sexual activity.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Teaching your kid to be their OWN person is not defined by deciding for them when they are too young for sex.


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## holly6737 (Dec 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *readytobedone* 
it always bothers me that people think children don't have sexualities. they do. there is no real "innocence" to childhood IMO

As a survivor of childhood sexual assault, this statement is highly disturbing to me. There is an innocence to childhood, absolutely. This statement is almost IMO condoning child molestation. If children are sexual beings in the sense that they aren't "innocent" and can make choices consenting to sexual relations, what's the problem with, say, a 45 year old man approaching a 9 year old girl, proposing sex with her and so then they have sex? (And don't say this never happens, where the girl "consents" for one reason or the other even if it is just by silence, I worked for a rape crisis center in college and it absolutely does happen) Where do you draw the line? According to some of you on this board, she, a 9 year old, could be just as sexual as a 24 year old, right? And according to some of you, she also could have the mental capacity to consent to sex at this age, right? Perhaps she's just wanting to "explore"?

After all, we don't want to decide for our children at what age they are too young to have sex. And we would want to trust that they would have the sense of mind to choose an appropriate sexual partner. We wouldn't want to limit her exploration. We definitely wouldn't want her to end up having sex in a car, so probably we should provide her a room and welcome this man into our family. Have him over for dinner, provide condoms, and leave them alone (give them privacy for goodness sakes!) in her room afterwards. After all, we want her to be her own person...


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## a-sorta-fairytale (Mar 29, 2005)

My mom allowed sex in our house. She didnt want to "find out from the nieghbors they had seen me doing it in the car" She runs and had caught kids in the ditch, in cars, in the cemetary etc. She was very open with us. I had sex at 16 and didnt regret it at all. I have had sex for fun, spiritual sex that made me feel sooo high, sex that was just for me, sex to make babies etc
I dont value any kind over another. Sometimes *gasp* i have sex because dh wants to even if i am not really in the mood, sometimes dh does the same.

At 16 *I* decided i wanted to have sex with my boyfriend of a year. *I* went to the clinic and got on bc. After a few months *I* approached him and said i wanted to have sex. I was not victimized. I didnt think we would be together forever. AS a matter of fact i never wanted to get married. With all my scandelous premarital sex with people i didnt plan to marry or sometimes i didnt even love (gasp horror!) i managed NOT to get pg, get an std or feel bad about myself.

I had sex with dh after only a few dates. We then later bought a house, got married and planned a pregnancy.

I dont feel like i missed out. I feel like i lived so fully.

Dh was raised in a strict religious background so he snuck around, didnt use protection and "devirginized" 3 girls. They all got in trouble at church and were made to feel terrible. One of the girls thought if she didnt orgasm she couldnt get pg. One of them thought that there were 2 holes for sex and if they used the vagina they would not get pg. It was ridiculous.

DD is only 3 but i dont see myself being uptight about it. I want to talk about it with her and let her know it can be fun, or sad, or sucky and also dangerous to her health.

On a side note - my little sisters are 12 and 16. The 16 year old is having sex and is very careful as both of the girls said they never want to get pg because A - they have seen me vomit out my nose while pg, they saw my cs scar fresh from the surgery, and they think SID dd is wild.







Best birth ontrol ever!


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## Amber Lion (Sep 22, 2006)

I'm terribly sorry to all of you who have had negative experiences having sex as young women. However, you cannot project your experiences onto others, including your children. That was YOUR experience and it won't be the same for everyone, including your children.

Everyone has to make that decision for themselves whenever they chose to make it.


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## AlpineMama (Aug 16, 2007)

Purely addressing the OP, I think I would be OK with my kids having sex in my house but only as long as they were in a committed relationship. I wouldn't necessarily want it to happen within earshot (just like I wouldn't be having sex within their earshot) but I also wouldn't want them to think it was the end of the world if I came home early one day and caught them in the act. I would like to know if they were doing it, but wouldn't want to know the details, ykwim?

I also probably would wait until they were maybe 16 or so until I gave them a free ticket for sex in my house.

My parents still won't let my husband and I sleep in the same room together. Well, they might now, but when we were living together for two years and engaged, they wouldn't. It was against their principles. WTH? I'm a college grad and living with my significant other, you'd THINK it'd be OK, but no...

Also while I didn't have sex at home as a teenager, the one time I brought a boyfriend home (we weren't even kissing or doing ANYTHING sexual), my father started screaming at me, calling me names, saying how he was ashamed a S* like me was his daughter etc. He just couldn't believe we WEREN'T having sex. So sad. It was a very negative attitude and I think parents who are more accepting or open-minded are doing their kids a big favor by not causing rifts like that and closing down communication.


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## holly6737 (Dec 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amber Lion* 
Everyone has to make that decision for themselves whenever they chose to make it.

I haven't said anything contrary to this at all. If they really want to have sex, they will find a way. That's what parenting is, isn't it? You teach your children right from wrong, respect for themselves and for other people, you set expectations, limits and boundaries and then you have to let go and hope that they make the right decisions. I can't control my sons decisions, and I wouldn't want to, but I do want him growing up having respect for himself, and others, and having some character about him. And one way to do that, IMO, is to not encourage sexual relations between him and another person in my house, especially if the little girl is under the age of consent in which case he could be charged with rape (which it is), and have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.


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## pumpkinyum (Mar 27, 2007)

So, for those of you who are "sex positive" (I always thought I was sex positive until this thread) what age is too young, where you would have a problem with it? If your 10 year old was ready to explore, would you let him or her?


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## AlpineMama (Aug 16, 2007)

At 10 they could learn about it but not practice it... I would be OK with them doing it at about 16, assuming they were in a relationship with a decent, mature individual... At least that's what I think now, in theory. I don't know if I will feel that is the right age with my own kids.


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## Gendenwitha (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loriforeman* 
and in my opinion, if you're actually ready to HAVE sex, you should also be able to tell your parents AND his. if you can't talk about it...

I've never understood this line of reasoning. I mean what adults discuss their sex lives with their parents? How many threads on mdc do you see that are about conflicts between ILs and parents butting in on topics such as religion, baptism, circumcision, vaccination, etc. etc.

Would you say that parents who don't want to tell their parents/ILs about their choice not to vaccinate are not mature enough to be having children? If I don't want to discuss my religion with my parents should I continue to follow their faith instead? Should gays be celibate until they come out of the closet to their parents?

You also don't know what the consequences are for these kids. For one of my friends, she was told she either had to marry him or be kicked out of the house. She married him, he was abusive, and leaving him became all the more complicated because they have a marriage license.

As to what is too young, it depends on the individual, but I would only allow it if it were legal (since my state has relatively reasonable guidelines about what's legal and what's not... in other states I might not have that requirement.)


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## Changed (Mar 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pumpkinyum* 
So, for those of you who are "sex positive" (I always thought I was sex positive until this thread) what age is too young, where you would have a problem with it? If your 10 year old was ready to explore, would you let him or her?

Alone, yes. With a partner, hell no. I will be sure that my children don't have the opportunity to have sex before A) we've talked about it to death and B) they HAVE in hand birth control of several forms and C) they are 16.


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## loriforeman (Aug 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gendenwitha* 
I've never understood this line of reasoning. I mean what adults discuss their sex lives with their parents? How many threads on mdc do you see that are about conflicts between ILs and parents butting in on topics such as religion, baptism, circumcision, vaccination, etc. etc.

Would you say that parents who don't want to tell their parents/ILs about their choice not to vaccinate are not mature enough to be having children? If I don't want to discuss my religion with my parents should I continue to follow their faith instead? Should gays be celibate until they come out of the closet to their parents?

You also don't know what the consequences are for these kids. For one of my friends, she was told she either had to marry him or be kicked out of the house. She married him, he was abusive, and leaving him became all the more complicated because they have a marriage license.

As to what is too young, it depends on the individual, but I would only allow it if it were legal (since my state has relatively reasonable guidelines about what's legal and what's not... in other states I might not have that requirement.)

i've discussed sex with MY mother many times. and my daughter and i discuss sex...positions...partners...likes...dislikes...wh ether she's getting any...

if you're mature enough to make the decisions, you should be able to back them up. if i left my mother's church, i'd have no problem telling her. if i were gay, i'd STILL tell her. it's MY life...i'm an adult, i have a choice to make my decisions...AND the responsibility to take whatever consequences are wrought.

parents have the right to set reasonable limits on their children...i would personally not believe that to be who they'll be with for (hopefully) life. but if those were my only choices, i would have chosen celibacy, at least until i WAS out of his house.

i'm pretty open about sex, but i'm also pretty big on personal accountability. there's not much about sex that i consider taboo...other than adult/child relationships and incest. but if you're slinking in alleyways, you're not old enough, in my opinion.


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## Gendenwitha (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loriforeman* 
i'm pretty open about sex, but i'm also pretty big on personal accountability. there's not much about sex that i consider taboo...other than adult/child relationships and incest. but if you're slinking in alleyways, you're not old enough, in my opinion.

I would never talk about sex with my father, and when as a married adult with two kids, my disabled mother came to live with us, we were "slinking in alleyways" to give our sex life some privacy. But my point is, as a 30-something woman, who's been married 12 years, you wouldn't tell me I'm not old enough or not taking personal responsibility. At 30-something it's called privacy, but at 16 it's irresponsibility. Really? Even if you take the responsibility to get the birth control pills, condoms, and doctor visits that go along with an active sex life? Why is it as a teen you're not allowed to have a sex-life that's private?


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## AlpineMama (Aug 16, 2007)

The privacy issue is a good one. I don't see myself as a mother who discusses every last orgasm with her child. I would sort of let it be known that it's a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I would tell them that I wouldn't mind if they were having sex in my house, but I also wouldn't be getting them Kama Sutra massage oils as a birthday present (unless they specifically asked for it). I would give them information, permission, then I'd give them privacy.


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## Irish (Jun 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
Teaching your kid to be their OWN person is not defined by deciding for them when they are too young for sex.

I agree, but as a parent responsible for my CHILD's well-being, I think it's well within my rights and responsibility to equip her with the tools to make healthy and safe decisions - including hearing the opinions and thoughts of her parents who have a bit more life experience.

I wouldn't let her drive a motorcycle at 13 just because she wanted to and felt ready. When it comes to sex we're not just talking about physical safety either, we're also talking about emotional well-being. I would hope that I'd have taught my DD, by the time she engages in a sexual relationship, that feelings and desires don't always have to be acted upon if they're not in her best interests.


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## loriforeman (Aug 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gendenwitha* 
I would never talk about sex with my father, and when as a married adult with two kids, my disabled mother came to live with us, we were "slinking in alleyways" to give our sex life some privacy. But my point is, as a 30-something woman, who's been married 12 years, you wouldn't tell me I'm not old enough or not taking personal responsibility. At 30-something it's called privacy, but at 16 it's irresponsibility. Really? Even if you take the responsibility to get the birth control pills, condoms, and doctor visits that go along with an active sex life? Why is it as a teen you're not allowed to have a sex-life that's private?

just because you don't wish an audience for your sex-life, that doesn't mean you wouldn't say "yes, i'm sexually active." it's not the same thing. if i'm HAVING sex, i should be able to own up to it.

even though i discuss sex with my mother and daughter, that doesn't mean i'm banging in front of them, hehe.

i really just think kids have enough on their plates: hormones, physical changes, school, friends...pressures and stresses that they are just learning how to deal with. why throw something more in the mix until they're past that hormonal stage?

i'm not saying to wait for marriage, nor to be celibate forever. just get out of junior high first.


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## Gendenwitha (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loriforeman* 
just because you don't wish an audience for your sex-life, that doesn't mean you wouldn't say "yes, i'm sexually active." it's not the same thing. if i'm HAVING sex, i should be able to own up to it.

Um, no, I wouldn't say "yes I'm sexually active" to my parents. Even when dh and I were living together I didn't discuss it. My mom was a 32 year old virgin on her wedding night, (yes, I believe her, this is the woman that uses the expression, "H, E, double-toothpicks") I'm just not comfortable discussing any part of my sex life with her, and my father sure as H, E, double-toothpicks didn't want to think about anyone banging his little girl.

And if it's just a statement, why would it come up and where would the conversation go from there? "Mom, I need a new backpack for school, the swim meet is on Thursday, and thought you should know I lost my virginity last night. Do we have any more pop-tarts?"


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jörð* 
My oldest is still only in second grade but I read here, it's coming and I want to know how to deal with it.

Basically, if my daughter was willing to use BC at all times and terminate any pregnancy that occurred before she was an adult, I'd be ok with her being sexually active. In my home even! DH will probably not agree with that.


But what if she agrees to this and just can't go through with an abortion? What then? I can't imagine _making_ someone do that.

Not to get into the taboo abortion debate, but it wasn't until I _got pregnant_ that I understood. You really have no idea how you'll react until it happens, and making a promise like that isn't really something you could enforce if she changed her mind. In my case, I did a complete turnaround from my former beliefs, so I don't think I would be able to ask my dd for that promise, though I'd hope for birth control and some common sense.


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## loriforeman (Aug 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gendenwitha* 
Um, no, I wouldn't say "yes I'm sexually active" to my parents. Even when dh and I were living together I didn't discuss it. My mom was a 32 year old virgin on her wedding night, (yes, I believe her, this is the woman that uses the expression, "H, E, double-toothpicks") I'm just not comfortable discussing any part of my sex life with her, and my father sure as H, E, double-toothpicks didn't want to think about anyone banging his little girl.

And if it's just a statement, why would it come up and where would the conversation go from there? "Mom, I need a new backpack for school, the swim meet is on Thursday, and thought you should know I lost my virginity last night. Do we have any more pop-tarts?"

hehe...thanks for the chuckle!

in my family, we're really open about such things. if i wanted alone-time with my husband, i would just tell mom that i had movies for her in the living room, and that hubby and i were headed off for some "alone time" *insert wiggling eyebrow and a wink*.

with my daughter, it's actually easier...she brings up what's going on, and we discuss it. when her boyfriend wouldn't put out, she wanted to know how to have him give it up...when he was only worried about his own enjoyment, she wanted to know how to make him more attentive...

no awkwardness, it's all a part of being human, i guess.

i do, by the way...get your point.


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## Changed (Mar 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bigeyes* 
But what if she agrees to this and just can't go through with an abortion? What then? I can't imagine _making_ someone do that.

Not to get into the taboo abortion debate, but it wasn't until I _got pregnant_ that I understood. You really have no idea how you'll react until it happens, and making a promise like that isn't really something you could enforce if she changed her mind. In my case, I did a complete turnaround from my former beliefs, so I don't think I would be able to ask my dd for that promise, though I'd hope for birth control and some common sense.

If she's not an adult, I can enforce anything that I feel is in her best interest. There is always compromise to be made though. Again, teens will have sex regardless most of the time. I do believe that discussing possible consequences beforehand makes them think and act more responsibly. It didn't take that much for me to really process the importance of safe sex. My mom simply said, "there are far worse things than getting pregnant" and it stuck in my mind.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jörð* 
If she's not an adult, I can enforce anything that I feel is in her best interest. There is always compromise to be made though. Again, teens will have sex regardless most of the time. I do believe that discussing possible consequences beforehand makes them think and act more responsibly. It didn't take that much for me to really process the importance of safe sex. My mom simply said, "there are far worse things than getting pregnant" and it stuck in my mind.

In most states a pregnant teen is medically emancipated....so NO you can't force a medical procedure of any kind against her will in that situation. It would be illegal, and the doctors would likely not do it because your daughter could press charges against them.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
In most states a pregnant teen is medically emancipated....so NO you can't force a medical procedure of any kind against her will in that situation. It would be illegal, and the doctors would likely not do it because your daughter could press charges against them.

That's good to know. It just can't be right that someone could force you.


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## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

This is a very interesting conversation. I haven't had the baby yet, but I know I'll be in your shoes soon enough. Plus I have three teen brothers who've been experimenting and a mother who qualifies for AARP yet still needs a safe sex lecture from her doc and me and her sister. (Sexual readiness, I think, isn't so much a function of age as it is one of maturity, self-esteem, and independence which is where parenting is so important.)

For me, if mommy and daddy have to decide to 'let' their child have sex at home I think that is problematic and just highlights the fact that a _child_ is involved instead of someone who is stepping into adulthood. Sex, to me, is a private, independent decision that shouldn't require approval or permission from anyone except the couple involved. It's a big step, one of the first real big life decisions that everyone has to make for themselves, and it comes with a lot of growth, which I don't think can happen if mommy and daddy are managing things behind the scenes. The parenting that leads to a positive sex life happens long before the discussions as to whether or not your kids can have sex in your house.

I'd rather focus on education and discussion about sex than worry about where they're going to have it. Sex happens and instead of controlling where or who, I'd rather be sure my kids are prepared to make their own decision in their own time and place.

I am much less worried about sex than I am about STDs. Even pregnancy doesn't worry me so much (there are worse things, like herpes or AIDS or a dysfunctional relationship that won't die).

So we won't be giving formal permission, but we won't naively assume our kids won't take advantage of an empty house either. (Although I will warn them that DH and I were always caught by the police every time we tried to have sex in the car. I think they put a GPS chip in our genitals or something







because we never consumated anything in a car and so many cops saw me naked, I gave up on car sex. Since that kind of karma might be genetic, I'll give my kids fair warning.)

If the need to meddle arises, we'll deal with it on a case by case basis. Hopefully, we'll muddle through okay and everyone will survive intact.

With my brothers, my father and I, we constantly remind them to use condoms. Every time I hug them goodbye I say, "Remember, condoms, lots and lots of condoms." I also am sure to emphasize that even 'clean' healthy looking people have STDs and share that I had my sexual partners tested for STDs when I was their age. I have no idea if what we're doing is effective. We're not so concerned with preventing sex as we are with making it safe--I think, in my family,the ethic is, whether you have sex or not is your decision, we just want you to be safe. I guess, in five years or so, I'll know one way or another if we had a positive impact.

V


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## Gendenwitha (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bigeyes* 
That's good to know. It just can't be right that someone could force you.

No but they can tell you that you can't live in their house. One of my friends was pregnant at 14 and her parents gave her the options, "you can live at home if you give the baby up for adoption, or we'll adopt the baby and you can move out."

She moved out with the baby, but had a very chaotic life as a homeless teen mother, before finally having to surrender the baby to CPS anyway. If she'd gone into foster care, the baby would have been ward of the state as well, and she probably couldn't keep it there either. One of the things dh and I have talked about is taking in preg teens in foster care who want to keep their babies so we can support and advocate for them.


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## Changed (Mar 14, 2004)

Of course not. I hope that my daughter would respect that I have been there and know what is best for her and let me help her out of a mess. I fully believe that she is being raised in a way that A) tells her that abortion is a completely acceptable choice and B) going to college is very important and C) not everyone is guaranteed a healthy child and a well child is not even easy at that age.


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## fourgrtkidos (Jan 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
funny side note -- one of my friends was raising her teenage half sister, as well as her own small children. The younger sister was our baby sitter and she and I would often chat. She told me one day that her big sis was driving her crazy trying to talk to her about sex and birth control and the importance of being very careful, and that this was a very awkward conversation because the teenager couldn't figure out how to be completely honest with her.

She wanted to tell her big sis that after living with her small children for 2 years, she didn't want kids until she was at least 30 and wouldn't dream of doing anything even vaguely risky. She couldn't work out how to explain to her big sis that her children were a walking ad for using multiple forms of birth control without sounding really rude!










This is exactly what my oldest ds and his girlfriend say about my younger kids!! I tied to start a discussion like this several weeks ago and it didn't fly. Maybe because another teen sex thread had been locked up by the mods. I am glad to see this one has a lengthly life and good discussion going.

I am going to check out my states legal stuff- that is mostly what I want to know. Kids are going to have sex- if they want to and so I'd rather it be somewhere safe and nice- even if that means it is my home. I just do not want to break any legal rules that could get my ds or my family in trouble with the girlefriend's parents. Unfortunately, she doesn't speak to them about *anything* ..... it is sad. I can't imagine being so disconnected from my dd.







Michelle


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## fourgrtkidos (Jan 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jörð* 
If she's not an adult, I can enforce anything that I feel is in her best interest. There is always compromise to be made though. Again, teens will have sex regardless most of the time. I do believe that discussing possible consequences beforehand makes them think and act more responsibly. It didn't take that much for me to really process the importance of safe sex. My mom simply said, "there are far worse things than getting pregnant" and it stuck in my mind.

Wow, I am just floored at the thought that you would _make_ your dd have a "medical procedure" she didn't want. Have you thought about the emotional scars this would create- it would potentially destroy your relationship with her.
EVERY state has a law that minors must have parental consent for medical care AND statutes that state that the pregnant teenagercan consent for her own care and ensures confidentiality and care for prenatal and delivery services!!!


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## boysrus (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jörð* 
Of course not. I hope that my daughter would respect that I have been there and know what is best for her and let me help her out of a mess. I fully believe that she is being raised in a way that A) tells her that abortion is a completely acceptable choice and B) going to college is very important and C) not everyone is guaranteed a healthy child and a well child is not even easy at that age.

wow
just wow
How about supporting your daughter in whatever decision SHE chooses?
Yes going to college is important, but not being scarred for life by being forced into a decision that goes against your heart is important too.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boysrus* 
How about supporting your daughter in whatever decision SHE chooses?
Yes going to college is important, but not being scarred for life by being forced into a decision that goes against your heart is important too.

That would be our plan. DH and I have discussed this and would support our DD whatever she felt in her heart was the right path. If she wanted to keep the baby, she could live with us indefinately and we would provide for her and the baby while she completed her education, and continue to help her as needed because being a single parent is tough.

We are very prochoice, but the emphasis is on *choice.*


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## Jeanne D'Arc (Apr 7, 2007)

*I am one of those girls that REGRETS my first experience.
I REGRET all the years of sexual experimentation.

I WISH my parents had been a little less laid-back about it.
I WISH they would have placed MORE restrictions on me.

I was very well educated on sex and protection. I had
all the tools, and yet I found myself with Chlamydia after
my very first time. It could have been AIDS. I got lucky.
At 15 I was not ready, not at all. I was just curious. I
only 'thought' I was ready.Still to this day i get scared
thinking about it, because i literally took my life in my
hands.

I truly believe if my parents had put more rules and
supervised me more I might not have had that possibly
life threatening experience.

I do not come from a religious household, my mistakes
and sexual damage are very much a testament to
the fact that my parents where too open to just let
me do whatever i wanted.I honestly feel it led to
alot of extremely risky behavior, and alot of damage,
despite the fact that I was educated.

To the moms who are putting rules and restrictions
on their kids in respect to this i think you are doing
a good thing. I only wish my parents had done the
same.
*


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Quote:

And if it's just a statement, why would it come up and where would the conversation go from there? "Mom, I need a new backpack for school, the swim meet is on Thursday, and thought you should know I lost my virginity last night. Do we have any more pop-tarts?"
I know what you mean, but this is pretty much exactly how it happened with me and my mom when I was 15. It was a few months after I'd started having sex, and I simply walked up to her and said "I'm not a virgin anymore, I want birth control pills." And she asked me invasive questions and insinuated that I was promiscuous. This is a pediatrician who had previously told me that I should tell her. Not a good response. And then, rather than taking me to a good gyno, took me to a Planned Parenthood in a rather nasty neighborhood where they were very confrontational, judgmental, and actually told me I had an STD that I did NOT have, as they later found out (I had no symptoms, they simply took a swab, looked at it, put me on harsh antibiotics that made me puke in school, then called back and said there was a mistake and I didn't have anything wrong with me after all. Thanks.)

I continued to be sexually active all through high school, with nothing but contempt and ridicule from my mother. I ended up doing things like having sex in cars on deserted roads and even being unsafe at times because I wasn't empowered to make better choices. I think that's the thing- it's possible for a teenager to simultaneously be mature enough to have sex, and immature enough to need some guidance in being sexually active in a responsible, respectful way. I don't believe in the extended childhood that's forced upon most teens in this society- our counterparts in many other countries are not only having sex, but married and have several children by the time we are taking our SATs. I'm not trying to debate which one is better, but when it comes to "natural family living" it's a bit hypocritical to deny teenagers their natural, normal desire to have sex (if they choose to not have sex based on religious or other personal convictions, that's a totally different story).


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## monkeymommy3 (Jan 9, 2005)

I was also one of those girls who regretted it. I started @ 14. I was pregnant in 3 mo. I miscarried, after I was pulled out of my freshman year and put in the school for prego teens. I was not mature enough to ever demand anything for myself. Boys don't like to use condoms, and alot of young girls won't make them. I had many years of experimentation that led to many regretful mornings. I had my first child @ 21 and was still probably too young. I was divorced with 2 kids by the time I was 25. I had and still have a nasty custody case that I can't get away from, my kids have a pretty crappy bio dad, again, not demanding anything better because I had no idea what there was, I was just a kid. I think that looking around corners is very difficult for teenagers and being forever linked to your biggest mistake sucks. My husband has the same story, only he is the dad who pays the child support for kids he never sees and is linked to a person whom he wishes he never knew. I know that this really romanticizes sex, but it is reality now, one slip up could mean a lifetime of pain and hardship. There is alot more to sex than just the good feelings, there is the unreturned phone calls and the thinking there was something there that wasn't. Being a teenager is hard enough. Sex complicates everything, it makes you feel different about a person than you would if you were not sexually involved. I have had limited conversations about sex with my 9 year old. I told him the logistics, answered his questions and I told him that it makes you feel things for people you wouldn't feel otherwise and the possibility of being forever linked to a person.
I am not judging parents who let their kids have sex openly, nor do I believe that my boys never will, but I will encourage my kids to explore who thy are and get that figured out before they try to figure sex out. It is pretty complicated if you ask me.


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## Changed (Mar 14, 2004)

Did "Of course not" not show up on your screen? I'm more than aware that I should not, could not and would not FORCE any of my children to do anything so serious.

This has really be enlightening. I am finding myself very torn on this. I want to be open and supportive but at the same time, I don't want my kid ending up pregnant in high school. (again, not that I can really prevent her from having sex if I wanted to) Scares the crap out of me.


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## trinity6232000 (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *monkeymommy3* 
I was also one of those girls who regretted it. I started @ 14. I was pregnant in 3 mo. I miscarried, after I was pulled out of my freshman year and put in the school for prego teens. I was not mature enough to ever demand anything for myself. Boys don't like to use condoms, and alot of young girls won't make them. I had many years of experimentation that led to many regretful mornings. I had my first child @ 21 and was still probably too young. I was divorced with 2 kids by the time I was 25.

I understand where your coming from. I think during the course of this thread the topic has
strayed from the original post. I believe that those who have posted that they would allow
their child to have sex in their home are also talking to their children about risks of being
sexual. I'm actually more concerned for my dd's emotional health regarding sex, than her
physical health. My top wish for her is that she respects herself, knows what she wants,
knows what she doesn't want, and knows how to be vocal on all the above.

I'm also a person who regrets a part of my sexual past as a teen. I don't regret that I had
sex. I do regret that I didn't respect myself as much as I should have been taught to in order
to have a better experience.

So while you and I might not have had a the most positive teen experiences with sex, I don't
think that it's because we were having sex. I believe it's because we didn't have the self
esteem to make the best choices concerning sex.

Regardless if we approve of our children having sex (which really wasn't the original topic)
we need to teach both our sons and daughters that they never should do anything (sexual
or not) they don't personally want to. That sex isn't something to play around with, and that
we should have respect for ourself and for the person we're having sex with. That it's never
okay to pressure your partner into situations they aren't ready for.

We can teach all these lessons without talking about sex. A child with good self esteem, and
healthy sense of themselves will make healthy choices in all areas of their life. If they
sometimes don't they will use it as a learning experience for their future.


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## Gendenwitha (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bri276* 
And then, rather than taking me to a good gyno, took me to a Planned Parenthood in a rather nasty neighborhood where they were very confrontational, judgmental, and actually told me I had an STD that I did NOT have, as they later found out (I had no symptoms, they simply took a swab, looked at it, put me on harsh antibiotics that made me puke in school, then called back and said there was a mistake and I didn't have anything wrong with me after all. Thanks.)

Wow, I wonder if that's a common scare-tactic they use? The EXACT same thing happened to me when I got an STD test, except at the Health Dept. I walked in telling them I had a UTI, they told me I had and STD that WOULD (not could) cause sterility, I asked how long they said between 2 weeks and six months. Now mind you, my boyfriend was a virgin when we got together, so if I had anything it would have been from about 2 yrs prior, I went home bawling. Then they called back and said, "oh, we were wrong, it was just a UTI."

(Planned Parenthood was actually REALLY cool. I still go there as a married adult even though I have ins and could go anywhere because I trust them there. Even though my favorite nurse has since retired. Besides, having patients with insurance helps their bottom line without costing me a thing.)


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## shpica (Aug 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oriole* 

I don't believe that 14 y.o. (or most high school kids) are ready for it. Statistics say that most kids regret their first time. I didn't, and it is because it was with the right person, at the right time, when I was independent and ready, and in love. Seven years later I am still with the same person. All those things rarely add up at 15, or 16. That's my reasoning behind these decisions. I want her decisions based on maturity, and deep connection with the other person, not based on crazed teenage hormones.

Besides, there is only one way to be sure 100% that you are not pregnant, and that is not to have sex. No condom is 100% safe, I wouldn't put my child at this risk at 15, or 16, or 17. I'm not sure I understand parents that would.

I totally agree. I didn't have sex until I was engaged to my 1st husband and still even regretted it.

I have a 14 yo stepson that lives with us full time (his mom is basically out of the picture) and I'm wondering about this issue recently. Of course he hardly listens to me so I would have to prompt my DH to talk to him. Ideally I'd like him to wait until he found Ms. Right and got married, but realistically that's not going to happen. I'd settle for after he moved out and his 1st experience was in a committed relationship. But he's a guy, that probably wouldn't happen either.

Since I don't approve of sex amoung teens sex in my house I would not need to be telling the other parents. There's enough on their mind sex right now would be an overload.

If I did allow sex in my house I would make sure that the other parents knew that where their child was, I'd want to know. This does not include "oh, they're having sex, too". If the child wants to tell their parents that's up to them.

They would be in his room, which is in the basement so we wouldn't hear anything anyway. But you know what? Thinking about this actually happening, I think I would split them up and I'd talk to the gf and DH would talk to ss just to make sure they want to do this and what to do if they changed their mind at the last minute. They'd already know about safety b/c it's already been discussed.

The other thing is I don't want to hear their sex talk, I didn't want to hear my parents. I hope your walls are thick.


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## karina5 (Apr 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *trinity6232000* 
I'm actually more concerned for my dd's emotional health regarding sex, than her physical health. .


I agree with this. Everyone talks about STDs and pregnancy (obvioiusly important) but having sex too young really messed with my head.

I didn't even realize how much it messed me up until I hit about 30. Before then, I thought "My body, my choice" and all that.

It was a huge mistake to have sex so young. It saddens me that kids are so rushed to be "grown-up" that they make harmful choices.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gendenwitha* 
Wow, I wonder if that's a common scare-tactic they use? The EXACT same thing happened to me when I got an STD test, except at the Health Dept. I walked in telling them I had a UTI, they told me I had and STD that WOULD (not could) cause sterility, I asked how long they said between 2 weeks and six months. Now mind you, my boyfriend was a virgin when we got together, so if I had anything it would have been from about 2 yrs prior, I went home bawling. Then they called back and said, "oh, we were wrong, it was just a UTI."

(Planned Parenthood was actually REALLY cool. I still go there as a married adult even though I have ins and could go anywhere because I trust them there. Even though my favorite nurse has since retired. Besides, having patients with insurance helps their bottom line without costing me a thing.)

I think that was my mom's reasoning behind bringing me there, that she wanted to support them. I'm sure some PP are nice, somewhere, but boy were they crude and crass to me. The first thing she asked was "Have you ever had an STD?" I said no. She said "Well, have you ever had an itch, a scratch, or a bump?" Who the hell hasn't? So she concluded that since I'd EVER had one itch in my crotch, I'd definitely had an STD.







:

Maybe they do it just to scare the kid, or maybe they're so used to everyone who comes in having an STD that they've lost their minds!


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karina5* 
I agree with this. Everyone talks about STDs and pregnancy (obvioiusly important) but having sex too young really messed with my head.

I didn't even realize how much it messed me up until I hit about 30. Before then, I thought "My body, my choice" and all that.

It was a huge mistake to have sex so young. It saddens me that kids are so rushed to be "grown-up" that they make harmful choices.


I completely agree. Although I realized it much earlier (around 21).


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## Gendenwitha (Apr 2, 2002)

(This is treading the edges of mdc UA, but it still relates to how you feel about your teens having a sex life.) Everyone talks about "raging hormones" of teenagers in the negative. Does anyone else think that having that raging drive makes the sex better, and people who don't have sex until their mid-20's or later are really missing out on something?

The sex I have with my dh now is very tender, and good because we know what each other likes, but there's something to be said for that raging, can-get-laid-about-anywhere, sorry-didn't-realize-I-was-screaming-loud-enough-for-neighbors-to-hear, animalistic sex that I think came with being a young hormone-filled teenager. At least for me.

I realize, that like un-circed sex, you can't really miss what you've never known, but if waiting until you find Mr Right means until your wedding night at 32 like my mom did, I think I might actively discourage such a decision.


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

Hmmm, I dunno about that, Gendenwitha. I have a raging drive now in my mid-30s...as raging as when I was a teen. Also, good sex depends on many factors, not just drive.


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## Changed (Mar 14, 2004)

I'm right there with you Glenda. Good times...


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## kerikadi (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karina5* 
I agree with this. Everyone talks about STDs and pregnancy (obvioiusly important) but having sex too young really messed with my head.

I didn't even realize how much it messed me up until I hit about 30. Before then, I thought "My body, my choice" and all that.

It was a huge mistake to have sex so young. It saddens me that kids are so rushed to be "grown-up" that they make harmful choices.

I also agree with this. Many women are left with emotions they are not ready for once they start having sex, especially if the relationship ends badly and they were young emotionally.
I know kids mature at different levels and I was considered 'mature' myself as I was on my own a great deal at an early age but I still wasn't ready and the hurt, guilt, and insecurities seriously wounded my self esteem until I was about 27 years old.

Keri


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## Organicavocado (Mar 15, 2006)

I can't comment from a parents perspective, but it hasn't been very long since I was a teen myself and dealing with this stuff, so maybe just contributing my experience might help.

My parents were extremely strict, sex is totally taboo and talking about babies was horribly uncomfortable. I met my first serious boyfriend when I was 15 and he was very sweet, but also very curious and wouldn't shut up about sex. I wasn't entirely sure I was interested (for the record, my sexuality peaked at the end of grade school for me and my sex interest has steadily declined since. Im still trying to figure out why, as at 23 I am almost totally asexual) but he was and I thought it would be nice to experience it with him, as I trusted him not to rush. We always had sex at his parents house, they were always comfortable with it. We had a long talk before we lost our virginities together, looked online for STD information and condoms, spericides, pregnancy options etc. together because neither of us were entirely sure of ourselves. We decided on spermicidal gel and condoms, without parental help, agreed on what would happen if I got pregnant, etc. before we did anything. We felt secure in his house but wouldn't do anything while his parents were home out of respect... it was just an unspoken agreement.

My mom didn't know we were involved this way until after we had broken up.

It worked out alright, I wish my mom was more approachable on the matter. I don't regret any of it, we were very close and it was an important time in my life for me, but I do wish my parents had not closed the door on my face so to speak. I don't think I would have been comfortable with complete disclosure but a little openess would have been appreciated.


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## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

My DD started having sex earlier than I would have liked, 14, and it was at a very tumultuous time in both our lives. And, no, I was not paying enough attention. Happily, many things have improved. Now, at 16, and after I married her DSF, and things settled A LOT, she no longer is sexually active, and says herself she feels it was too soon. We talk very openly, and I am pretty much hands off, except that I do give her information on both sides. By not moralizing and judging, I believe she feels much freer to make her own decisions. By having her own direct experience wih boys, and without me yammering nonsense, she very thoughfully concluded that the very things that make boys her age rather dorkish (certainly not all, of course, but well, _boys_....!) also renders them far less scintillating as potential partners. She has actually said to me that she thinks if girls were paying ANY attention to the boys themselves, instead of A) trying to get parents' attention with negative behavior and B rebelling instead of individuating (okay, she didn' use THAT word, but words to that effect), many would give up sex for the duration...okay, perhaps Lonnie Barbach would be selling LOTS more books, and toy sales might rise LOL!
I have to laugh when I see posts from people implying they would not ALLOW







: their kids to have sex...It is my experience that the kids of such delusional parents are often the ones who are so busy trying to "get away with it" that questions of BC and STDs rarely if ever come up. Most of the kids I counsel and have other contact with whose parents are realistic, and even better, positive about sex in general, are far more mindful of the possible unwanted consequences. Most of them choose not to have sex, or choose to have "everything but" intercourse. Safely of course. I want my kids to have loving positive feelings about sex. And, no, that doesn't mean sex *only* in a committed relationship. Like another pp, my DH and I started in a FwBs relationship, which evolved into a most loving, committed and happiful marriage. AND we have both had FwBs that were incredibly educational, free of the desperate need to impress, and ended as friends. Nice. Yes, sex carries with it certain potential consequences. But it's JUST SEX. In and of itself it's not good OR bad. Moralizing rarely influences the listener to do anything but try to prove the moralizer wrong, or worse, prove to her/himself that she/he is wrong or bad for wanting to...
laoxinat


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## gethane (Dec 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
Bottom line is that the sex positive parents here, of which I am one, have a completely different value system than those that are teaching abstinance until marriage.

And those of you that are advocating abstinance until marriage are the very foundational cause of "judging by peers and family and friends" regarding sexual activity. And then use your own judgments as an means to control those that don't agree.

This is the year 2007. My mom dealt with the shunning for becoming pregnant while she was unmarried in the 60s and thankfully joined the sexual revolution and chose not to perpetuate that shameful attitude into my generation and I am raising an empowered teenage daughter that knows that she owns her body and she can choose when she is ready to have a sexual relationship.

Bottom line is that reasons like pregnancy and disease are tools used by those that espouse abstinance for religious or spiritual reasons. They are not valid reason in themselves in these modern times of birth control and health education and awareness. And the same goes for statutory rape laws. Those are not valid for me in regards to consentual sexual relationships between teens of similar age any more that sodomy laws in backward states stopped me from having oral sex * for example*.

Since this got bumped anyway, this post really needs quoted because it pretty much says it all.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

I don't have time to read this whole thread, since I gather it's an old one and that it's drifted a bit from the OPs original question. But I wanted to say to the OP that my mother was very sex-positive. I started having sex as a teenager, and she allowed us the freedom to be alone in the house and never hassled us about it. She also allowed a bit of drinking and marijuana smoking. She never attempted to contact my friends' parents, and I don't think she believed she had any responsibility to do so, but her position was always that they were responsible for squaring things with their parents as far as where they were and when they would be home, etc. She always said that if a parent called and asked where their child was, she would tell the exact truth.


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## superlori (Nov 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boysrus* 
Do you tell the parent of their partner? Do you ask them to tell the other parents?

I just read through this whole thread (old as it is) and very few people even addressed this question.

I'd say, if you DO let your child and his/her partner have sex in your home, you will be treading on very thin ice if you keep it from the partner's parents, ESPECIALLY if that child is below the age of legal consent. If they are below the age of LEGAL consent, you are seriously risking being taken to court. You may have your own beliefs about how to care for your child, but you do not have the right to impose your beliefs on childcare to the other child.

In Scotland, it is illegal to have sex before you are 16. Flame me all you want, but if I were to find out that my daughter's boyfriend's parents were knowingly letting them have sex in their house (not just it happening without their express knowledge, but actually facilitating it) before she is of the legal age, the s*** would hit the fan.

I just thought in case anyone else or the OP were still interested in the answer to the OP's actual question, this ought to be reitterated. Don't get so caught up in your own 'sexually positive' attitudes that you find yourself slapped in the face with a law suit.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Llyra* 
I don't have time to read this whole thread, since I gather it's an old one and that it's drifted a bit from the OPs original question. But I wanted to say to the OP that my mother was very sex-positive. I started having sex as a teenager, and she allowed us the freedom to be alone in the house and never hassled us about it. She also allowed a bit of drinking and marijuana smoking. She never attempted to contact my friends' parents, and I don't think she believed she had any responsibility to do so, but her position was always that they were responsible for squaring things with their parents as far as where they were and when they would be home, etc. She always said that if a parent called and asked where their child was, she would tell the exact truth.

so, how did that effect you? Do you feel like you were cared for properly? Do you think you are well adjusted? Just asking because it sounds about like my house


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

I only had time to read the first two pages, but I want to respond to this in case nobody else caught it: Linda on the Move wrote, referring to condoms,

Quote:

Yeah, they are only like 97% effective.
That's if you use them exactly perfectly, every single time, for every moment of genital contact. For typical users, condoms are only 85% effective.

I make a point of citing this statistic at every opportunity because I've found that many people don't know about it. I knew it by the time I reached adolescence, thanks to my mother making sure I had access to some very informative books







, and when I started having sex I used a separate spermicide gel (that is, a full dose--spermicidally lubricated condoms are NOT proven to be any more effective than plain ones!) or a sponge EVERY time until I got my cervical cap when I was 19. Condoms alone are better than nothing, but they're better used with a backup method.

Pardon the tangent.


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## NaomiLorelie (Sep 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bri276* 
I think that's the thing- it's possible for a teenager to simultaneously be mature enough to have sex, and immature enough to need some guidance in being sexually active in a responsible, respectful way. I don't believe in the extended childhood that's forced upon most teens in this society- our counterparts in many other countries are not only having sex, but married and have several children by the time we are taking our SATs. I'm not trying to debate which one is better, but when it comes to "natural family living" it's a bit hypocritical to deny teenagers their natural, normal desire to have sex (if they choose to not have sex based on religious or other personal convictions, that's a totally different story).

Wow! Never thought of things like that because of my very oppresive childhood, but that seems so true. As NFL parents we want to teach and guide our children through their young lives, why shouldn't that extend to sex? How can we teach our children all about relationships, physical and otherwise, without them experimenting at the same time? And I am not suggesting lectures on to Kama Sutra, just general advice. One thing I've learned about life is that experience is a much better teacher than theory. And we don't enter adulthood all at once, it is a gradual learning process that needs guidance.


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