# Attachment parenting gone wrong, "I told you so" from DH, clingy, whiny 17 month old...



## Toposlonoshlep (Jan 14, 2010)

I am so frustrated.
DH was out of town for two weeks for work and I was alone with DS. He was sick during this time and was spiking a fever. So I had him in my arms a lot and just generally babied him nonstop until he felt better. Now that DH has come back, he REFUSES to walk anywhere, even holding my hand (he has been walking since 9.5 months, so it isn't an issue of whether he is capable. He climbs stairs, runs, e.t.c.) He screams, "UP!! UP!!!" and hugs my legs preventing me from walking. If I tell him to wait a minute, he screams and cries bitter tears. He has stopped using words and signs with me and just whines.

And DH, who was always skeptical about attachment parenting to begin with (but let me do what I felt was right anyway) is using this an opportunity to say things like "See? This is his relationship with you now. This is how he communicates with you." I feel criticized. I feel wrong about things. I am tired. My arms hurt. I cannot carry this kid anymore.

I just feel like a failure.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Is he still not feeling well? My ds acts like that when he's not feeling well, and it's really hard.


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## Toposlonoshlep (Jan 14, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
Is he still not feeling well? My ds acts like that when he's not feeling well, and it's really hard.










I thought that too, but his energy level is up at its norm, he plays and naps well....He seems perfectly healthy to me. And as if to spite me, when my DH takes him outside to play he doesn't whine, cry, or throw fits. It's just when I am within sight that he demands to be in my arms...


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

The Dh should be taking him out to play more.

He's just seeking reassurance, and if you can't pick him up (I've been there with tired arms!!!) try another way, maybe cuddling on the couch or bed for a few minutes. It's ok to set boundaries now that he's feeling better, while still reinforcing your bond. Like, sitting to read a book instead of picking him up. Toddlerhood is rough.


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## healthy momma (May 28, 2009)

My 27 month old is in a another round of "hold, hold, hold." That's his version of "up, up, up." He's done this in the past and it's usually just before expanding his independence even more. It's like he needs to regress a little bit before he can move on. Although frustrating, and yes, tiring, if I go with it the ride is much smoother for both of us and he moves on. And as a pp said, sometimes I just look at him and say "Mama is tired. If you want to be in my arms we have to sit down to cuddle." He either takes me up on it or decides that he'll just move on without me.

I definitely don't think you should take it as an indictment of your parenting style. Relax. Take a deep breath. Smile. Be confident.

Oh, and I second the thought that dh should take him out to play more. That's a win win for everyone!


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## Toposlonoshlep (Jan 14, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
The Dh should be taking him out to play more.

He's just seeking reassurance, and if you can't pick him up (I've been there with tired arms!!!) try another way, maybe cuddling on the couch or bed for a few minutes. It's ok to set boundaries now that he's feeling better, while still reinforcing your bond. Like, sitting to read a book instead of picking him up. Toddlerhood is rough.

That's good advice. I think that I tend to self-sacrifice instead of setting boundaries because I fear that he will feel rejected. I end up overextending and exhausting myself. And it seemed like things were going more smoothly with DH out of town somehow. Isn't parenting supposed to be easier with two parents? Maybe DS feels that with DH back he will lose that closeness with me or I will make it less available?


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## Toposlonoshlep (Jan 14, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *healthy momma* 
And as a pp said, sometimes I just look at him and say "Mama is tired. If you want to be in my arms we have to sit down to cuddle." He either takes me up on it or decides that he'll just move on without me.

I definitely don't think you should take it as an indictment of your parenting style. Relax. Take a deep breath. Smile. Be confident.

Thank you! Yeah, I've tried the "mama's tired. let's sit down to cuddle bit". It doesn't quite work, because he is more interested in walking around in my arms. The second I sit down with him in my arms, he asks for "up", meaning that I should get up. If I try to set him down on the floor and tell him he can walk with me somewhere, he cries. I think a 27 month old may understand the "either or" concept better. I will try a book next time, or something we can do sitting side by side.


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

DD would always get sick before a huge developmental milestone. Eventually we'd get so excited about what she'd do next, when she got sick-- made it a bit more bearable to deal with a sick kid. So he might be struggling still, about to have some breakthrough.

Do you have a good carrier? Maybe just wear him on your back for a while you go about your business?

A bit of clinginess after two weeks of no daddy and being sick and extra cuddling is NOT a big deal (not to belittle how hard it is for you-- I mean, in terms of parenting outcomes). He'll adjust. He's still very little and you're going to be amazed by his independence when he's a bit older!


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## J's Mombee (Aug 21, 2006)

Whenever DS gets sick and begins to feel better, he seems to regress for a bit. He does eventually get back to his normal self.

My mom used to say that being sick for LO's was scary or just uncomfortable in general, and after they begin to feel better they made need some more comforting for a bit.

Hang in there. I really don't think that his clingyness is any indication of your doing something wrong. I agree with everyone else in trying to get him to cuddle while you are sitting down with him (even tho it seems that my DS never wanted to sit and cuddle when he was in that state, but keep trying)


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## Maiasaura (Aug 12, 2002)

Oh, mama. Big hugs. You are doing nothing wrong, and his behavior is normal. He's only a baby, still. 17 months old is so young!

Mine's 9 years old now, closer to 10 than 9 even. He was the same way, and on and off for years. He's so independent now, and has been for many years, but at that age? Forget it...he was like a growth









Hang in there. You'll live. DS will be fine. DH will be fine. Breathe. Your ds also probably has already figured out that you and your DH are different people and he can be different with each of you.
Things will turn out just fine, mama


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

So according to your dh, your *17 month* old ds who had a FEVER is overly clingy because of your parenting decisions. Yeah. No. I've met all sorts of parents and they all say their kids need and GET extra cuddles when sick or recovering from being sick. And this includes moms of 8 year olds.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

And does your dh actually think he's being helpful? Or is he just trying to make you mad? If the former, he isn't and needs to come up with something useful to do like the dishes. If the latter, then ask if he'd feel better if you yelled at him--it'd relieve your feelings a bit and it'd give him the satisfaction of having sucessfully angered you.


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
The Dh should be taking him out to play more.

LOL, totally. Your answer should be "Maybe you're right. I'm going out for the day, I'll be home by dinner. We had chicken last night, so try to make something more interesting, okay?"

Also, everything that saphire_chan said.


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## sparklefairy (May 21, 2005)

Middle of the 2nd year was a "rubber band snapped back" phase for both of mine. (First time I thought it was my fault for getting pregnant again. Nope. It was developmental.)

Some people talk about it as "regressions" but I prefer to think of it as development not being a straight line but more of a spiral (or a rubber band).

And he's been sick -- of course they are all whinier and clingier when they are sick!

Your Dh's reactions are fear-based, imo.


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## ASusan (Jun 6, 2006)

Your DH needs to read up on child development. Toddlerhood is peak age for separation anxiety. Your DH fueled it (unintentionally, of course) by being out of town for 2 weeks, even if he wasn't the "attachment parent," he still left the scene and rocked the stable little world of your DS. Of COURSE he's clinging to the one who sticks around. DUH. She might up and leave, too, for all he knows.

Separation anxiety peaks when toddlers are mobile. Evolution was cool that way. The ones who ran back and clung to their caregivers about the time they learned to wander off are the ones who lived to reproduce. Little by little, they learn to wander safely, farther, and for longer periods of time. Then, they get married and start the whole cycle again.

There are a gazillion links about separation anxiety. http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.or...nxiety-faq.htmHere's one -

Quote:

Infants typically begin to feel the fear of separation between eight and nine months of age. They may manifest anxiety around strangers and in new situations. Babies who have been sleeping through the night for several months may suddenly begin waking at night and feeling the fear of parental separation. *Infant separation anxiety tends to peak in the toddler stage, somewhere between fourteen and eighteen months.* This is a time in your child's life when he or she is beginning to explore the world and learn early steps of independence, like walking. A toddler may happily walk a few feet away from his parents only to begin to cry upon the realization that mom or dad are no longer visible.
And another

Quote:

The overt manifestations of separation anxiety (e.g., crying, calling, and following) typically *peak between twelve and eighteen months* of age. As the toddler matures, usually after the child's second birthday, he or she begins to develop cognitive and behavioral means to cope with separations and separation anxiety decreases.

And it doesn't necessarily go away by 18 or 24 mos --

Quote:

Separation anxiety seems to reach its peak in toddlers at around 18 months of age. The child behaves in a fretful, clingy and distressed manner to the point where the parent feels exhausted, angry, guilty and helpless.

By pre-school age, separation anxiety generally starts to lessen and *by age five it generally stops.*
and another (from a more general article about childhood fears) -

Quote:

With parent-infant attachment and the infants' ability to remember their parents' faces, separation anxiety occurs. Separation anxiety typically occurs at about six to ten months of age and peaks between 18 and 24 months. Distress from being separated from the primary caretaker is a universal reaction. The younger infant does not have the ability to understand constancy and may believe that if his or her mother is not there she is gone forever.
And the PP are right - the illness contributed to this, as he wasn't feeling well, AND dad left. My son didn't let me go to the bathroom alone (without significant protest) from 14 mos until...last week? (he's almost 3).


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## T-man's Mama (Jun 22, 2010)

I have a 17 month old, and he has started doing this also. He hasn't been sick, so it's just a phase I guess. He clings to my legs and whines to be picked up, usually when I'm busy trying to get a meal started. If I'm not immediately responsive, he lays on the floor and throws a fit, so I have to enlist DH's help pretty quickly or we don't eat, period. Like the PPs said, I don't think it's an indictment of your (or my) parenting -- they're just babies!!!


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## pantrygirl (Jan 5, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *healthy momma* 
My 27 month old is in a another round of "hold, hold, hold." That's his version of "up, up, up." He's done this in the past and it's usually just before expanding his independence even more. It's like he needs to regress a little bit before he can move on. Although frustrating, and yes, tiring, if I go with it the ride is much smoother for both of us and he moves on. And as a pp said, sometimes I just look at him and say "Mama is tired. If you want to be in my arms we have to sit down to cuddle." He either takes me up on it or decides that he'll just move on without me.

I definitely don't think you should take it as an indictment of your parenting style. Relax. Take a deep breath. Smile. Be confident.

Oh, and I second the thought that dh should take him out to play more. That's a win win for everyone!


















My 25 month old goes through spurts of 'Mommy hold, Mommy hold' but I think it's all about learning independence. Just be patient.

Also, my husband is sort of the same with AP. I think he sees the benefits especially when he notices how well our child communicates to us her needs and desires and feelings. For the most part, however, I think he feels that it's a lot of 'sacrificing' and at times it seems as if I'm constantly at my child's beck and call.

It's tough to be in a relationship and be co-parents with someone who may not share your same view. Do what you feel in your heart is right and remember to communicate with your spouse and you always have this forum to vent and share experiences.


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## lookatreestar (Apr 14, 2008)

i forgot about this phase... i vaguely remember it with dd (serious mommy brain, eh?) she would cry to be held and wouldn't ride in the grocery cart, i had to carry her all the time if we went anywhere. i remember getting an ergo at this point because she was SO heavy.

but this thread just reminded me why my ds is driving me up the while lately. such a clingon!!! gah. he is does the crying, following me around, etc luckily i haven't just up and left him (with dh) yet but sheesh i just gotta ride it out a bit longer.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Aside from the fact that your child was recently sick, and things were probably shaken up a bit when his dad when out of town, and then got shaken up again when he came back, and that toddlers can be all kinds of clingy from time to time just because...

Does he have his two-year molars yet? Because those could be an issue too.

ETA: I have seen kids parented in all kinds of ways behave like this. So I'm fascinated to know what parenting strategy, exactly, your DH thinks will prevent clinginess in young toddlers.


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## starling&diesel (Nov 24, 2007)

How about the fact that your DH was gone for two weeks? That'll throw any wee babe off his kilter. Things will settle, promise.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ASusan* 
Your DH needs to read up on child development. Toddlerhood is peak age for separation anxiety. Your DH fueled it (unintentionally, of course) by being out of town for 2 weeks, even if he wasn't the "attachment parent," he still left the scene and rocked the stable little world of your DS. Of COURSE he's clinging to the one who sticks around. DUH. She might up and leave, too, for all he knows.

Separation anxiety peaks when toddlers are mobile. Evolution was cool that way. The ones who ran back and clung to their caregivers about the time they learned to wander off are the ones who lived to reproduce. Little by little, they learn to wander safely, farther, and for longer periods of time. Then, they get married and start the whole cycle again.

There are a gazillion links about separation anxiety. http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.or...nxiety-faq.htmHere's one -

And another


And it doesn't necessarily go away by 18 or 24 mos --

and another (from a more general article about childhood fears) -

And the PP are right - the illness contributed to this, as he wasn't feeling well, AND dad left. My son didn't let me go to the bathroom alone (without significant protest) from 14 mos until...last week? (he's almost 3).

Word, word, word.

My son never had a lick of separation anxiety from birth on....walked right into preschool without looking back at 3-3/4 (having never been out of my care for more than a couple hours until I gave birth to his sister when he was 2-1/2), never had a doubt about Kindergarten, and is stoked for first grade starting in 2 weeks. So when my daughter had serious separation anxiety for the first 18 months of her life (with a brief respite from 9-10 months), it was like she had her own, plus all of it that he never had - and it knocked me for a loop - I went from being the woman who could hand DS off to any friend or family member for an hour to the woman who had DD, who nobody but I could hold without blood curdling screams for the first 6 months of her life.







. I couldn't even go into the kitchen to put a dish in the sink without her freaking out. It was *draining*. She was perfectly happy as long as she could see me, and *could* get to me if she wanted to....but if she couldn't see me, or if there was something preventing her from getting to me, LOOK OUT.







She started coming out of it right around 18 months, then had about 4 months of it around 3 years old, and now at 4 +2 months, seems to be out of it again, one would think for good, but I wouldn't be surprised if it comes back at kindergarten, given her personality. I'm sure people thought I was crazy for keeping ehr with me as much as I did and not "making" her get used to being without me, but I just told them that until she could have a conversation with me about what was going on, this was how I was going to do it. And she's no more clingy or insecure than most 4 year olds; she's happy, energetic, and cannot wait to try new things now.

As long as you don't prevent them from doing things they want to do, you're not stunting anything or making anyone clingy. Forcing a kid who doesn't want to separate to separate is not going to make them independent.

Having said all that, I think it's a separate issue with the "up, up" thing. I see absolutely nothing wrong with you setting limits about carrying him around - that's a toddler/tantrum kind of thing really IMO, not a separation anxiety thing. I see nothing wrong with telling a 17-month-old, 'mommy's arms are tired, we're going to sit together now' and then comforting him through a tantrum if he has one. Being with him because he needs you doesn't mean you have to do exactly what he wants if you're physically or emotionally burnt out. Sometimes all I could muster with DD was sitting next to her zoning out with a book, computer, or TV. I used to tell DD, "I can't carry you right now, but we can hold hands and walk together" and we'd walk together to wherever we were going. Or I'd carry her to whatever room I was going to, and then put her down next to me.


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## Abraisme (Mar 8, 2009)

I am always amazed at how removed most people are from the baby-development process. Most Americans have no idea what is normal until they have their own kids and start to pay attention. It's also true that "most" people attribute their parenting style to their kids personalities with their first baby. I have known MANY people that said, because I did x, y & z my child is creative, gentle, easy going, a good sleeper, etc. Personality and phase of life plays way more into this than parenting does (not to say that we should parent our the best way we know how).

My DH has also gone in and out of having totally unrealistic expectations of our first child. He expected things like logic and rational at 2-3yo. Inspite of me explaining that all kids are irrational, etc., he really had to live through the experience. An article or two about normal development also help. I agree that you might get him a parenting book or website that explains the normal phases. Perhaps you should present one that is non-ap and show him that it happens with all kids, not just ap ones.

Lastly, you mentioned that you tend to over-extend yourself for the sake of your baby. Do you do the same for your husband? There might be a bit of jealously going on here. I know my DH used to be very jealous of how I doted on our son (when we only had one kid) and expected him to do things for himself. You might try giving your DH a little more personal attention and see how it goes. It works wonders for me.


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## Toposlonoshlep (Jan 14, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MeepyCat* 

ETA: I have seen kids parented in all kinds of ways behave like this. So I'm fascinated to know what parenting strategy, exactly, your DH thinks will prevent clinginess in young toddlers.

Yes, well, I am SURE that DH's criticism comes from fear. He has seen grown people in his own family taking incredible advantage of each other because they were always allowed to and were spoiled. He sees that DS relates to him differently and is more independent with him, so he assumes that the way I relate to DS has made him clingy with me. We're a work in progress. I love DH and he is willing to learn and open to what I have to say. I think the frustration level is just high right now and everyone is adjusting. You guys rock for all of the reassurance and advice. Deep down I know I am not doing anything wrong. It just gets exhausting! Thanks again!


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## MountainMamaGC (Jun 23, 2008)

Every toddler is so different. My friend and I both AP our kids. Mine is independent and a rough and tumble kind of kid. She doesnt cry easily. Her child is shy and sensitive, quiet and needs her mama a lot more close.

AP does not cause kids to be clingy. Its their personality. Its who they are.


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## lilysmama1124 (Aug 26, 2006)

I would say indulge him abit. Obviously you can't hold him ALL DAY LONG but if he is clingy let him be clingy and I can almost guarantee that in a week or so he will be over this phase. He is just trying to feel secure, for his age an illness and daddy being gone may have been a major life event







My three kids are in a phase where I swear I make them miserable. They will play happily, eat happily, sleep happily, and self sooth UNLESS they can see, smell or hear me, then are immediately unhappy unless they are being held. this include my three year old who I seriously think has been trying to find a way back into the womb this week she will not let daddy do anything when I am around and wants to be on me all the time. As frustrating as this is I just try to give them as much attention in the way that she wants(right now it is physical closeness) AND try to get out of the house at least once a day for at least an hour so they can do something other than obsess over me and I can GET AWAY FROM THEM!


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