# How do you feel about newly pg friends and family after a loss?



## EmmalinesMom (Feb 9, 2003)

I'm probably just wallowing in my own self pity here, but....

We lost our last baby April 4 at about 12 weeks. She had a good strong heartbeat at 10 weeks, but the sac was misshapen and when we went back to check, she had died.









I was due October 22. Now I have a friend that is due July 1, and numerous other "acquaintences" that are pg~from brand new, to almost due. I say congratulations, and I'm so happy for you, but you know what...I don't mean it.









I hate it that people whine about their pg, their morning sickness, all the inconveniences of being pregnant, and I would give anything to have that back. Now October 22 will be just another day at my house, with a few more tears than usual, I suppose, but I should be holding my newborn this fall.

This whole thing just bites.


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

_How weird...I was just thinking about this this morning!_

I hope I don't make you upset that I do have two girls now, but I wanted to let you know that I COMPLETELY understand what you're saying!!

I had a miscarriage when I was 22 years old and an infant loss when I was 24 years old. Imagine the horror of getting over the "miscarriage" scary part of your 2nd pregnancy with no problem only to be told at 20 weeks you baby will not live once it's born.

Even after my miscarriage my very dear friend was due 2 months before I was suppose to be and when it came to having her baby finally, I was soooo angry! I knew it wasn't at her directly, because I loved her dearly, one of my closest friends! But I was sooo jealous! I hated that I felt this way towards her too! With my infant loss pregnancy I was pregnant at the same time as another gal at my hubbys work whom we were friends with and so excited to have due dates a month apart. When they had their son and left a message on our voice mail I cried and cried and cried. And whenever I'd hear of someone in my life becoming pregnant I'd have "that feeling" again. It was almost an indiscribable feeling really...a mix of jealousy, anger and sadness. How do you label that?? Only women that have gone through it know. I remember thinking "give me the worst possible sickness pregnancy you can, just so I CAN be and have a "healthy" baby, I'll do whatever it takes!"

So, I do get what you mean and you are perfectly entitled to your feelings. You may grieve in your own way at your own pace. Don't feel bad about it.

So no, don't say wallowing in your self pity! I get it!

Good luck to you and take good care. When you do decide to TTC again, PM me if you like and I can talk to you about my experiences with my girls and the feelings I had with them, just didn't seem right to get into here. There seems to be a great resource here too, I wish I had this back then!

(Did you by chance read the poem I put into another thread? I'll try to find it for you and post the link for you. Maybe the whole thread would help if you hadn't seen it yet, heck, maybe you started that one??? I'll go look...)


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

Ahhh...you posted on that thread, so you have read it.









Just down the line in "First period after m/c, very sad" if you're curious.


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

You know.....I'm happy for them...but devistated for myself. Sweetpea would have been due July 16...but we lost her in November. I have a friend who has a babe 2 days older than my ds...she is now 16 or 18 weeks pg....I tried to be excited for her but she complained a lot because she was pg again so soon after her 1st was born...... I wanted to look at her and say....WAH! Get over it...you are adding to your family be excited about it!

Anyway, I think it is normal to not feel the happiest about it....


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

I'm noticing that I tend to disconnect myself from the fact that they're pregnant. I have two sisters-in-law due this fall, and three good friends due in November (which will be the first anniversary of my baby's stillbirth). So I will be surrounded by babies during a very difficult time. So far I can ignore the fact that they're pregnant because they're not showing too much yet. And the SIL live further away, so I haven't seen them yet. One friend has had severe nausea & vomiting, which I totally sympathize with, because I have had it with each of my pregnancies. So I've been able to support her quite a bit, but sometimes it's hard because I just suffered through a similarly difficult pregnancy, and my baby died at the end, while hers most likely will live. That's just hard to deal with sometimes. So I guess my answer is that I'm not angry so much as trying to ignore it as much as possible. I don't encourage any talk about the pregnancies, and I'm kind of holding my breath about this fall, when all these babies are actually born. Maybe I could move to an uninhabited area, and thereby avoid this whole problem?

Hugs to you,
Katherine


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## ellery (Apr 24, 2003)

IT SUCKS I KNOW TRY TO BE HAPPY FOR THEM.


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## turquoise (Oct 30, 2002)

My hubbie and I mc our first baby. About the same time my friend got pg - oops they weren't married. So I found myself really jealous, not fair, etc. I thought the most horrible things, I wound up admitting to her later that I was jealous and she was very understanding. She's a great friend. Hubbie and I wanted to try again as soon as possible, so we were pg with my son when her baby boy was about 6m. I'm glad I didn't let my envy get too bad because I really enjoyed playing with her baby when I was pg with my son. Kinda a preview.







It was really hard though.


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## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

I just experiences another LOSS! It sucks.

I have a friend who is due in July and she was "rooting" for me since she knew I had a m/c in Dec. Now again.

I don't think I can go to her baby shower in 4 weeks. I went to someone's shower after 2 months and it was painful.

Honor your feelings. I completely understand!!


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## CandyLayne (May 12, 2003)

jenn~
i'm sorry you're struggling w/ this, you know that i've btdt and it sucks! when we lost our baby, my sil was 8 months pregnant and i was already obligated to spend the first week after he was born w/ them to help. it was especially difficult b/c we had been ttc for 2 years and lost her but sil and bil got pregnant on accident while dating at 18/19. i did stay w/ them for a week after he was born (about 6 weeks after my m/c) and it was very hurtful and healing at the same time. they, of course, slept all night, while i took care of him and it was nice to cuddle but i did a lot of crying too.
hugs to ya~you know i'm here if ya need me


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Abylite--

I really hope no one pressures you to go to that shower. Sometimes grief is so raw that it's simply inappropriate to put yourself through a situation like that. It doesn't reflect on your feelings for your friend, it's simply being kind and gentle to yourself to not attend. It took me six months after Kevin's death to finally give myself permission to "skip" an event. I wish I done it much, much sooner.

Emmalinesmom--

How are you doing?

Love,
Katherine


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## EmmalinesMom (Feb 9, 2003)

Thanks for the responses. (Oh, and







Candy!)

I'm doing ok. I had another doctor's appt yesterday, got another script for progesterone (though that wasn't the problem with this last mc) and as soon as my 7 vials of bloodwork come back fine (or we corrent the problem if there is one) we can try again.


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## CandyLayne (May 12, 2003)

good luck jen!! i'll be thinking of you


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## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

I already told my friend that I would not be at her baby shower and that I would give my mother a gift to give her. She completely understands.

My tears come and go. I had a good cry this morning again while listening to Krishna Das. Thanks for asking EmmalinesMom.


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## mom2mygirls (Nov 10, 2002)

I guess Iam diffrent it helps me get though the loss I just m/c this past weekend. and yes it is hard but knowing that someone is bringing life in the world just makes me happy.

Christina


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## EmmalinesMom (Feb 9, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by squishy_28_
*I guess Iam diffrent it helps me get though the loss I just m/c this past weekend. and yes it is hard but knowing that someone is bringing life in the world just makes me happy.

Christina*
I'm sorry for your loss, Christina.


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## yamamama (Mar 15, 2003)

Jennifer,
I was due October 25th and just lost my baby. My best friend from college is due in december and we were ecstatic about being pregnant together. I have two other close friends due this summer and many acquaintances with toddlers and new born babies and it's really painful for me.
Mostly I try to keep conversation about things other than pregnancy. I am genuinely happy for my friends but I can't handle hearing about their joys and concerns because all i know right now is i would give everything to still be pregnant.
I don't know if this helps but it's how i've dealt with it.
~eunice


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## EmmalinesMom (Feb 9, 2003)

I'm so sorry, Eunice.







My due date was October 22.


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## trippenfaerie (Jun 17, 2003)

I try to really convince myself that I am genuinely happy for everyone in my life that is pregnant and having babies, etc...but everytime I pick up the phone or get an e-mail ANOTHER one is pregnant!! Shouldn't there be a limit on how much one person can take? My sil is due at the end of Sept. and I am feeling bad because I don't want to go to the shower, but I want to be happy for her. I really do! Sometimes I just feel like a miserable, selfish person because I have 1 ds already and I should be happy I have him,(and I am) but I want more. Someone once asked me "Do you think it is better to have conceived and lost, or never to have conceived at all?" I told him that I would rather have at least had the joy of being pregnant for a short time, rather then never at all. Does anyone else feel that way? Just curious


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Trippenfaerie--

Welcome to Mothering. I'm so sorry for your pain.

To answer your question, first I have to say that I think it was insensitive of someone to even ask you that. Sounds too much like an attempt to minimize your experience. Hopefully it didn't sound that way IRL. But, yes, I would rather have been pregnant. With my miscarriages, and with my stillborn son, I would rather have had the excitement of being pregnant rather than still be trying to conceive. And with my son, I had a baby to hold, I have pictures and momentos to help remember him, and a grave to visit. I was able to enjoy an entire pregnancy, and his spirit is still close to me. When I expressed this to a dear friend who's been trying to get pregnant for over three years, she disagreed, and said after seeing what I've gone through, she'd rather have her experience! Of course, we could only have that conversation because we are each deeply sensitive to one another's heartache. And there was no implication that either one of us has had it "easier". That word just doesn't belong in a conversation about loss, grief, or pain. I've decided that the next time someone starts a comment with "Well, it's easier that..." (usually it's finished by "he died before birth") I will say, "No, there is no 'easier'."

Don't push yourself to go to the shower if it's too painful. I was "out and about" much sooner than I should have been after Kevin died, and now I wish I had taken the time to protect myself.

Much love to you,
Katherine


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## karenpl (Dec 18, 2001)

I have had those kind of feelings too. It's not that I am not happy for them. But at the same time I am sad for me. I feel left behind. Like 'everybody' is having babies, but me. And it's hard for me to see people with bellies the size mine could have been. Or a baby at the same age one of my losses would have been.

And yes, the worst is when they complain, complain, complain. I had one 'friend' complain to me about her morning sickness, how bad it was, when I just was in the process of my fourth miscarriage. That hurt a lot.

{{{ HUGS }}} to all of you, who have lost babies. And I think those feelings are very natural, allow yourself to feel them and work through them.

Karen


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## hmpc2 (Jul 1, 2003)

I am new to this posting...but so glad that I found it. My sweet Adia was born still @ 40 wks on April 7, 2003.

A pretty close friend of mine was due 11 days after me. We joked our whole pregnancies about having our daughters on the same day, etc....and how they were going to have parties together....Well, I lost Adia and I was praying the whole day my friend did not have her baby that day. To my dismay she did. I was 5 days late, and she was 6 days early. Where is the justice? I am slightly bitter because I did all the "healthy, non-medication, homebirth stuff" and she did the "hospital take all the drugs I can stuff"...She gets to keep her baby and I don't. I have not been able to see her or her daughter because I really do not know if I can handle it. I am happy for her, but oh so jealous.

Since the loss of Adia it seems like everyone around me is pregnant. I have had 3 friends share that they are expecting. One of these friends has since miscarriaged @ 18 wks and I somewhat feel guilty that my jealously caused it. I know that it really didn't, but it's hard not to feel that way.

~Heather mommy to Adia


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Oh, Heather--

I'm so sorry about your baby! My son, Kevin, was stillborn at 38 weeks on November 10, 2002. So our babies are five months apart. I have really been missing Keivn this week, and so your post sent me over the edge again! I'm sitting here crying and crying. I hate knowing there's another mom out there feeling this same pain.

I can't believe your friend's baby was born the same day. How could that happen? I hope she seems to understand your pain and why you haven't seen her baby yet? I have a few friends whose babies I still haven't seen. It just hurts so bad. I can't imagine the pain associated with a friend who was pregnant at the same time, and whose baby was born the same day.

I noticed you mentioned a homebirth. Did you still have a homebirth with Adia? I had planned one with Kevin, but ended up with a c-section. That's another loss for me, too. A friend just had a baby boy at home last week, and it has awakened that sadness in me all over again, for the baby I loved, and the birth I wanted.

Please PM me or post here, if you have any questions or just want to talk.

Much love to you,
Katherine


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## ashleighsmom (May 3, 2003)

Abylite...I read your signature and wanted to share that I also m/c'ed on May 20th. I am finally feeling better, a friend had her baby a week later and I love holding her and cuddling her. But it is hard to hear other people announcing pregnancies now...

I lost a daughter 32 weeks when I was 18. People made it out o be less than what it was because I was so young. I understand what you all are going through. It is so hard...there are no words.

On the other side, my SIL and I were pregnant together for my third pregnancy, second living child. She lost at 19 weeks, we had the same due date. Her and my brother have since divorced, I think the reason is she couldn't stand to look at my daughter's milestones and think her baby would be doing that too. I felt awful for her.

I am rambling....sorry. We are trying TTC again...but it was a very difficult decision for me. How do others feel about that?

Debbie


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## trippenfaerie (Jun 17, 2003)

I got through the agonizing baby shower, somehow, and thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences. I really think reading all of your posts helped me realize that all of my feelings are natural and I am not a bad person or anything like that. My sil's due date is in a few weeks and I am trying to keep the "smiles on" in front of the family but it is so hard! My ds is so incredibly excited to have a new baby cousin. I know deep down I am truly happy and excited for them and the baby. I just wish I could have an 'on-off' switch sometimes. dh's family is NOT one that understands these types of feelings...or most genuine feelings for that matter. Thanks again for being there









Barb


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

Just wanted to offer some







s to you mamas. I've been lucky enough to have two healthy babes, but I have some very close friends and relatives who have suffered losses, which have been painful for me too.

Something that it is worth maybe bearing in mind is that if you are a dear friend or relative of someone who has suffered a loss, and you are then having a healthy, normal pregnancy, it can be really difficult - and painful - dealing with it. I ache for my friends who have gone through losses, or are still ttc. I feel guilty about my luck in having my two healthy girls. I honestly would have traded having my second child, if it had meant that I could give that gift to my dearest friend (who has since had her full term baby







) I think constantly of a friend who is ttc, and long for her to have her baby.

I don't know if this is any help, and if it is clumsy, I truly apologise. I just wanted to let you know that those people who love you do understand, and feel your pain. We might not always deal with it in the best way (I was soooo worried about telling a couple of friends that I was pg first time as I felt incredibly guilty). They often don't know whether to mention their morning sickness or grumbles (which they would to anyone else) or to treat you differently, which might feel false and contrived.

Anyway, if this is clumsy or unhelpful, just tell me and I'll delete or edit. Peace, mamas.


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## witchbaby (Apr 17, 2003)

i m/c my first 2.02 and then couldn't get pregnant again. my best friend decided to ttc when her daughter was about one year old. after 6 months, she was pregnant again and i still wasn't after nearly nine months. on new years eve, i took her to the emergancy room because she was 8 weeks pregnant and was so sick she'd lost 25 lbs. at the er, she was told she was expecting twins. talk about a punch in the stomach. i was shattered. i couldn't understand how she could get pregnant with two when i couldn't even get one-- of course, i had the "one of those was supposed to be mine" thoughts.
two and a half months later, i miscarried again. i didn't even want to speak to my friend. everything felt like it was set against me.
i finally got pregnant again in april and am happily carrying a healthy baby girl due christmas day. i have worked on my feelings of jealousy and anger towards my friend and even discussed it with her-- she'd sensed it, of course, and has been wonderful and supportive.
*hugs* to all of you. i hope things get easier.


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## hmpc2 (Jul 1, 2003)

I was doing better with everybody and their brother announcing their pregnancies (too many to count anymore)....I still have not seen my friend that delivered the same day as me, she has since moved across the country, so I won't ever see her again. I am sad, but it is just one more loss in my life that I will have to work out later.

Anyway....yesterday at my church I found out one of my pastor's is pregnant....She was scheduled for a hysterectomy before finding out she was expecting. I am happy for her, she had a miscarriage over a year ago, so it is a very pleasent surprise for her and her family. It has just caused me to have an emotional breakdown. I have cried ever since hearing....She is due in April of 2004, so I know that is part of it...I just don't understand why I am taking it so hard. I know a neighbor of mine is due in April too, but I haven't cried or been jealous of her....I am confused by my reactions. I just want to stop hurting and being jealous. I really just want my Adia here with me. I thought I was doing so much better with my grief and now I feel I am starting all over again. Thanks for reading.


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

I can really relate to this post right now. I thought that I was moving on (after 5 weeks-ha!) and that I was starting to get ready to be trying again etc. (trying again involves fertility treatments and is quite stressful). Then my partner's best friend told her (very gently & sensitively) that she had gotten pregnant at the same time as us & was due when I would have been due.
I was devastated--I completely lost it and was really taken aback by my response--I love this person and am happy for her, her hubby & their baby boy, but I couldn`t feel anything but anger and frustration at the injustice, and renewed grief over my loss.
This has only underlined how unhappy I am at work right now and how much I am just coping at a basic functional level and not really enjoying anything much. I got my period yesterday for the first time since m/c-what a mixed thing. On the one hand, I felt relieved that my body was doing what it should and that it would soon be time to try again; but on the other hand, it was this huge, shouting message: NO you are not pregnant. Now debating whether I should call my fertility specialist & tell them I'm ready to try again.

tks for listening & hugs to all


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## 2devils_1angel (Oct 14, 2003)

theres no gentle way to say it but it bites!!
when i lost Dylan at 35 weeks a coworker who is a good friend was 32 weeks. I had to sit and stare at her swollen belly at MY sons funeral.
I tried tried tried to listen to her and talk to her about her lil girl inside her. any everyday i had to run into thebathroom to cry when her customers would go on and on about how close she was to having her dd. the thing that sucks is our salon is small and friendly and these customers KNEW i just lost my son and we were edd 3 weeks apart.
Anywhoo. i try my damdest now to be happy for my frinds who are pg. but inside i am sooooooooooo scared for them. i would never ever wish a loss on even my worst enemy!







:


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