# Don't like niece's behavior - any ideas?



## insahmniak (Aug 16, 2003)

My sister's oldest daughter is 7 going on 17. She's bossy bossy bossy and (can I say this here?) a real snot. She teases her sisters and brother almost incessantly. She makes fun of anyone (even her mom at times). She made fun of my daughter the other day and it bothered me quite a bit. I didn't respond at all at the time and I'm still trying to figure out why. One one level, mean people (even kids) intimidate me. I also guess I'm waiting for some correction or redirection to happen from her mom when she acts like this, but nothing comes.

I think their whole family culture involves quite a bit of cruel teasing of each other. We live in the same town and see each other about every week or so. I love my sister, of course, and I don't know how to handle this. I've thought of taking this daughter aside and talking with her, or speaking out to her in the moment of one of these episodes, but I'm afraid this might upset my sister. Would speaking to my sister about it be appropriate? I dread this, of course. No one wants to hear criticism of their family, but I don't know how else to put it.

If you have any ideas of a gentle way of handling this, please do (gently) share. I'm afraid I might cut some pretty harsh words next time if I don't figure something else out.


----------



## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

I'm not sure how old your daughter is. If she is the same age or older than your niece, you might want to practice ways with her of handling it.

If she is younger, I would personally step in. Say something like, "We don't speak to people in our family like that." And then help he re-word what she is trying to express.

I would not confront my sis about it (or defend her own children). I would just show a different example and not let the behavior extend to your child.

Good luck!

Kay


----------



## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

Unfortunately, you don't get to parent your sister's child. It doesn't seem like your sister is willing to do it either, alas. I don't think anything would be gained by being critical of her daughter to her. If you have a really great discipline book, you might offer to lend it to her and tell her how much you got out of it, but that's as far as I'd go in that direction.

As for protecting your own child, I'd tend to limit contact to situations where you could really keep an eye on things.


----------



## insahmniak (Aug 16, 2003)

Thank you so much for your suggestions. I've been lurking in GD for a while. I don't know much about how to handle challenging behaviors, but I'd really like to learn.

I'm afraid I failed to mention that this niece has been helping care for my daughter when I've left my daughter in my mom's care. This has happened only a handful of times, but we have already scheduled one for a Valentine's date I was planning. After hearing my neice make fun of my daughter (8 mos), I don't feel very comfortable continuing the arrangement. Should I let it go one more time or simply make other arrangements? Should I utilize the current arrangement to help motivate my niece? ("I don't like this behavior. If I see it again you won't be allowed to babysit my daughter.") I should mention that when this niece is in a one-on-one situation like helping my mom babysit, she's MUCH better behaved. My DP is convinced that she does it to get a reaction from a crowd.

Thanks again for your input. I don't really want to curb my relations with my sister's family, but neither am I comfortable with their general milieu. Tough choices.


----------



## kylewilliamsmom (Feb 1, 2004)

I don't think it is a good idea to let your niece to babysit your daughter even if she is supervised, There is no reason to hide why you feel uncomfortable with her and if your sister asks why tell her. Honesty, gently put, is always the best policy. Your sister may not agree with the way you parent your daughter but there is no reason to subject your daughter to a bossy snotty babysitter, no matter how young she is. Make other arrangements.


----------



## Liz (Mar 8, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by TiredX2_
*"We don't speak to people in our family like that."*
I'm sure you don't mean it to but this sounds quite condescending. I think you can come right out and say "I don't like it when you speak to dd that way. I know you are just teasing but little kids don't understand teasing so it can hurt their feelings."


----------



## insahmniak (Aug 16, 2003)

Your feedback has been wonderful. My DP and I decided last night that we could look this situation from two points of view: 1. doing our best to provide our DC an environment which we feel comfortable with or 2. trying to provide my niece with a situation from which she might learn something. And we decided that 1 was more important to us that 2.

I called my sister and told her that I wasn't comfortable with this niece looking after our daughter anymore. She of course asked why and I told her that the cutting and sarcastic remarks that her daughter tended to make really bothered me. My sister asked me to "elbow her" the next time I saw something like this b/c my sister hadn't noticed this kind of behavior. Maybe it's not so much that my sister is unwilling to parent - but just that this behavior must be acceptable to her.

I'm not sure how this will end up, but I feel really relieved right now. I think I did the right thing for my daughter and for my family, even though it was hard and might cause some strain between my sister's family and mine. That's a price I'm willing to pay for my daughter's sake. Gee, it feels really good to type that!

Liz: Good call on the condescention in that remark. That didn't sit quite right with me, either. I feel much more comfortable with "I don't like..."

EFmom: I think you're right. I don't get to parent my sister's children. And although I love my sister very much, I'm quite relieved that she doesn't get to parent mine! Whew!

Thanks again for your feedback!


----------



## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

It's really distressing when our needs aren't being met to keep a positive outlook, especially, I've found, with family!!! I might suggest looking for ways in which you can get your need for respect met. Perhaps requesting that when your daughter's around, everyone tries to speak to each other without teasing? I fear that if we don't talk about it, how will anyone know that you are hurting inside and that this is a real problem for you? It's really not about *them*, but about how *you* are reacting. You're needs and your daughter's needs are important here! Good for you for taking that first step!! You're advocating for change, and that can be really hard!

Something I've found is helpful is instead of telling people what you DON'T like, tell/show them what you do like









I'm uncomfortable when you call Mary a stupid butthead because I value/need/think it's important that we speak to each other in a gentle way. When I hear Mary being called names I feel sad, because I want her to feel safe and loved. Would you be willing to keep these comments to yourself while she's around???

I'm feeling sad when I hear you say Mary's ugly because it's important to me that we are respectful of each other's feelings.......

I'm not sure if any of this is helpful----I just know how difficult it is when siblings disagree on parenting!!! We don't stop being family.......

All the best,


----------



## insahmniak (Aug 16, 2003)

Amy- your post feels so affirming! Thank you for that. Your example dialogue is very positive (and kinda funny). I wish I was more articulate on the fly, but I'm not. I actually have to practice SAYING things like this before hand. It sounds funny to rehearse these things out of context, but it helps me.

I was able to have a more detailed conversation with my sister again today, for clarification. She wanted some concrete examples of things I found disrespectful/negative and I gave some to her. Sure enough, these things don't seem to bother her. "I don't have a problem with that. I'd say that to my kids." We have a fairly substantial difference of opinion regarding what constitutes disrespect.

What surprised me most was what she said at the very beginning of the conversation: that my DP and I have the greatest influence on our daughter, and that what our daughter encounters outside of our home is really of no great significance.









Does this POV seem strange to any of you? Don't peers have a tremendous impact on some children? My own point of view is that I want to try to provide a positive atmosphere for my whole family, myself included, where ever we are. Doesn't every parent want that?

My comments to my sister have really stirred things up in my family. It's tough and uncomfortable, but I think it's good work.


----------



## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

I'm so glad my post was of some help!!!!

It seems like she's minimizing your concerns....oh, don't worry, it's not that big of a deal anyway....Peers *do* have an effect throughout our children's lives! If it is bothering you, then it is real.

It does take a ton of practice, at least for me, to respond in a more positive way than how I was raised. I learned a ton from Marshall Rosenberg's book, Nonviolent Communication, which is all about meeting your needs and taking responsibility of your feelings. In a nutshell, he advocates:

to try and make observations rather than judgements (this is really hard!). Rather than your daughter is being really mean---how about, she has called my dd stupid five times. Then, state how we feel when we see what we've observed. I feel frustrated. Next, state what need the feeling stems from. Because I need to know that my dd is respected when she is with family. Then make a clear, do-able request in an effort to help meet your needs. Would you be willing.......If your sister reacts angrily, you might consider looking to what she is feeling. Get inside. Is she feeling judged? I've found this a lot with my family. Like I'm trying to be "better" or something by wanting a positve environment for my little ones.

So, anyhoo, it sounds like you're getting things out into the open.....where they can be seen more clearly. Keep us posted!!!!


----------



## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

O guess if you feel uncomfortable with your neice being around your dd then you need to make it so she is not. I am a little confused. We are talking about a 7 year old neice and an 8 month old dd right. So the little girl is just playing with her and the mom is in charge right? You didn't mention what the girl was saying so I can't really respond much to whether or not her mom was underreacting. But in your house you have a right to set the rules and enforce them. My dd has a friend who is horrible to her. She is a snob and bosses my dd around and then dd picks up these lovely traits and treats her sister that way







: we have mostly weaned them from this friends but she still occasionally pops up. when she is over if she says somehting off or is acting like a snob I say "In our house we don't say that. We don't think it is a nice way to talk." not all emotional or anything just as an FYI. (now that I htink about it we actually have several friends that we have to tell this too). they respond very well to it actually. Thge usual response is a cherry "OK" or "oh" occasionally we even get "Oh, sorry







" Some kids just have no idea what is acceptable or not after all the rules are different everywhere, and are very accepting when they have it explained to them. perhaps if you just told your niece "It may seem strange to you but if you could indulge us, We have a house rule about not saying "stupid". We would really appreciate it if you didn't say it our house or around Suzie. That is just one of the rules we have for our baby sitters." This way it gives her a sense of responsibility and big girl-ness. If she is going to be around your dd a lot, perhaps you could have her over for a "baby sitting training" sleep over and have a fun night where you slip in expected behavior etc. . . She will also have an oppritunity, free of her mom, to see you in action, to learn your house rules and what is expected, and have the attention she might be seeking from you.


----------



## alie (Jan 1, 2003)

Depending on how close you are to your niece, you also might simply tell her (without the non violent communication, which is kind of complicated for a 7 yr old) "When you tease like that, it hurts others feelings, please stop." Although I actually went through a non violent comm training program, the whole thing about restating, etc. is a little more challenging for a little person. I dont agree with the poster who said it's not your place to parent. If the parent isnt, it's totally ok to gently tell the child that he/she is hurting your child and to please stop. (yelling I wouldnt agree with).


----------



## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

alie, FWIW, i was advocating using the NVC with the sister more so than the 7 yo, sorry if that wasn't clear!


----------



## alie (Jan 1, 2003)

OOpsy, sorry about that, thanks.


----------



## insahmniak (Aug 16, 2003)

A bit of an update:

Wow. I have so much to learn....

After speaking with my sister, I found myself feeling pretty bad that she was feeling hurt by my comments. So I sent an email to her with my thoughts laid out. Writing gives a bit of distance, I believe, and is a place where I feel more articulate (and less emotional).

One thing I discovered in the couse of my email was that if my sister was simply a friend of mine, I'm afraid I would have just tried to avoid the whole issue by avoiding her family. (Isn't that kind of sad?) Since she is my sister, though, and we live in the same town, that didn't seem like a good option to me.

I'm very close to my mother, who also lives in this town, and she's very proud of me. She thinks my comments have the potential of making a very positive impact on my sister's family. In fact, she has since spent quite a bit of time with my sister's family and noticed a STARK difference in my sister's parenting of this niece. I think my sister might still be pretty sore at me because she hasn't called or responded in any way. But I'm giving that some time.

It felt really good to communicate my feelings with my sister through that email. I was able to explain things to her in a much more non-threatening and positive way. I left open the door for more dialogue about the issue. Disagreements and contrasting opinions don't have to mean the end of dialogue, right? I'm convinced that positive communication is a life's work.

One of the things I LOVE about parenting is how it challenges me. Grow! Grow! Grow!

Y'all are Cool Beans.
Thanks for helping out this newbie!


----------

