# Some people!



## jmmsunshine (Mar 9, 2007)

We have just been told we will never hold our child - our baby is in heaven... the miscarriage has not even started yet... and what does someone say for "comfort?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, well, at least you have two others."








Are you friggin kidding me? Yeah, sure, sorry one baby died, but hey, you've got two spares right?? Merry Christmas! Would it have mattered if I was 39 weeks pregnant instead of 9 weeks? What if our baby was 9 days, or 9 years, or 29 years?? Ever been to a funeral where someone said to a grieving mother, "yeah, but at least your other kids are alive." GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

This one ranks right up there with some responses to finding out our neighbor is was convicted of multiple counts of child rape as well as creating and possession of child porn... "well, let's hope he got it out of his system."







WTF??? Is this something that one needs to get out of ones system? Like really, do all men need to rape a child a few times, be convicted, spend 8 yrs in prison, and then bam, they're good from then on?

SOME PEOPLE!!!


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

People seriously say some stupid things.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I feel very blessed to have my DS, especially when there are women out there who don't have any living children&#8230; but yeah, it doesn't take away any of the pain of losing my daughter, maybe I'm selfish, but I want them both! *sigh* It's not a comforting thing to say, and it hurts to hear it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.







for your sweet little one.


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## MiracleMama (Sep 1, 2003)

I sympathize...I actually had a MIDWIFE say something similar to me when it was confirmed that I had my m/c last year. I was obviously quite upset....she said to me "I don't see why you are in such a state about this, you already have 2 children....think of all the women who have had 3-4 m/c's before even having one child..."
I of course found comfort in my 2 wonderful kids, & I feel terrible for people with fertility issues....but I was in the middle of grieving this baby that we wanted so badly! I just couldn't believe a "professional" would say something like that.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a hard time of year to be going through this (not that there is ever a "good" time).


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## Evenstar1025 (Oct 15, 2009)

When I was going through my mc, my dad and my pastor actually both told me "people are going to say stupid things".







And guess what?!?!?!? They were SOOOOO right!!!!

When my grandma's husband died someone looked her right in the eyes and said "aww, you'll never be able to hold his hand again"









You're right, what goes through these peoples' minds?!?!? Most of the people I've encountered who've said stupid things, I just have to remind myself that they've never been through this and they have no clue what to say. Others HAVE gone through it and they should know better!







But yeah... it stinks when people have nothing comforting to say... just STUPID!








At least we have here! (that wasn't stupid, was it?)


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## pacificbliss (Jun 17, 2006)

I know, people get all flustered and don't know what to say so they say somehing dumb. I am on a mission to talk about my miscarriage. It was years ago but, until it happened to me, I did not know how many women were out there who have been through the same thing. Then, I coach people just to say sorry.

i was at a funeral several ears ago standing next to my friend who had just lost his wife and unborn child. She was late third trimester and her heart gave out. She and the babe died instantly. She had been sleeping downstairs on the couch because she could not get comfortable. Someone actually walked up to my friend and asked, "Do yu think you could have done anything to save her had you been beside her." I wanted to slap is mouth. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Sorry, that was off topic.







for you. I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself.


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## my-j-angel (May 10, 2004)

I think we all can recall a few stupid responses, I know I can. I'm sorry you lost your little one, and I'm sorry your have to endure the ensenitive comments.







for your sweet baby and







for you


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Sorry for your loss mama. People can be so stupid and naive right?
I've had countless people say to me: "at least you know you can _get_ pregnant". I guess the fact that I can't _stay_ pregnant is not that big of a deal.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pacificbliss* 
I know, people get all flustered and don't know what to say so they say somehing dumb. I am on a mission to talk about my miscarriage. It was years ago but, until it happened to me, I did not know how many women were out there who have been through the same thing. Then, I coach people just to say sorry.
.

Great idea I wish I was that brave. I have feelings sometimes about talking about it, mainly to 'educate' because I know how naive I was before. But I always chicken out. Maybe courage comes with time...


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmmsunshine* 
Would it have mattered if I was 39 weeks pregnant instead of 9 weeks?

Nope. We lost William at 39 weeks and a family member sent me a note pretty much saying the same thing and implying that I was rather selfish to be sad about losing one when I already had FOUR, for pete's sake, and so many women never even had one...

So yeah. Stupid people remain stupid, no matter what gestation you are when they happen to spew their stupidness all over you...









And I'm so, so sorry for your loss. It's beyond sad.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I'm so sorry hun. I had tons of people saying "don't worry, you're young, you can have another"... as if that was comforting.

But the worst one I got was from a "friend" who actually didn't know I was even pg ( i was 5 weeks) and he said "so the lovin's good then eh?"


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## starshine1001 (Feb 16, 2008)

Oh, I'm so sorry! Some people I think don't realize the depth of insensitivity comments like that carry until they've experienced it for themselves. I also have two healthy kids and miscarried at around 9 weeks. It is still devastating. Don't listen to people who say dumb things, grieve as you need to, and be very good to yourself. The ladies here are an awesome support system, and as hard as it was to join the TTC After Loss crew, they've been my lifejacket some days when I felt like I was absolutely sinking.


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## shy (Feb 21, 2006)

so sorry you had to go through this.

it is really strange about miscarriage, people jsut don't know what to say. I am sure I didn't either, before I went through it. Now I would only say that I am sorry and be as good a listener as possible.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Ouch. My condolences on your loss. It is never easy, no matter how far along you are. Biggest of hugs to you.


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## jmmsunshine (Mar 9, 2007)

Thank you all. My mc started on Christmas Eve, right after our pastor left. We made it to Christmas dinner at my parent's place, and I managed through. Labor kicked in hard on Saturday night. After, I was sore, I felt like my uterus had gone through a meat grinder, and was still cramping. But I was ok. I thought it was over. Then yesterday... it was not over. I lost my baby yesterday, December 29th. I felt her fall from my body - intact in her sac. I feel like I will never be ok again. I feel like I never want to be ok again. I know I will press on, I know I will feed, care, and love my children. I will nurse my nursling and that will provide some comfort. But the depths of this loss knows no bounds.

The worst... my husband didn't want this baby. He could barely speak when I told him I was pregnant. He could barely tell his family. Then the spotting and he joined me on the roller coaster for weeks until we knew she was gone. He does not want another. He did not want a third. He is sorry - sorry for it all - sorry for my pain. He wishes he felt different. But he doesn't. And that makes it all the worse.


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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

That is one of the worst... some people assume that because we have children we shouldn't hurt when we lose babies. It still hurts dammit!!


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## CuckooMamma (Aug 11, 2002)

I"m so sorry for your loss. There are so many facets that can make a loss difficult, and many don't consider that getting pregnant again may either not be an option or may be very difficult. I"m so sorry that your dh doesn't want another child and you do. There is a chance he will change his mind in the future, perhaps not at all likely, but perhaps a slim chance. I have a friend whose dh was not onboard with their third child. She m/c and he changed his mind. They now have a third child. Sometimes it takes some time to come around. He may also come to see how important this pregnancy was to you.

I am just so sorry for your loss. We are currently going through our 5th loss and wish you weren't experiencing it as well.


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## enigo (Mar 11, 2009)

I just got another "You can have one of mine" comment yesterday. Arrgh

My mother told me "Nothing like this has ever happened to the women in _my_ family". Umm hello, I am _unfortunately_ in your family

I should start carrying a bat with me...


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## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

Im sorry for your loss. Ive had 2 misscarriages. My xmil who couldnt understand why I just wanted to be alone and not answer the door and kept beating on it to get in... then tells me to be glad because there was probably something really wrong with the baby and god was sparing me the pain of raising a retarded child









People can say such STUPID things


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JBaxter* 
Im sorry for your loss. Ive had 2 misscarriages. My xmil who couldnt understand why I just wanted to be alone and not answer the door and kept beating on it to get in... then tells me to be glad because there was probably something really wrong with the baby and god was sparing me the pain of raising a retarded child









People can say such STUPID things

That's so stupid. As if you'd prefer your kid to be dead if they were born with special needs. I would give anything to have the baby back that I lost.


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## leurMaman (Jun 10, 2004)

I got told that when I had my first miscarriage and when my current bleeding began. It is not a consolation is it? Hang in there mama - sending a hug.


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## shy (Feb 21, 2006)

....and exactly why do people think they have to make it ok or "for the best"? Maybe next year or even next month I will feel differently but why can't I feel what I feel now, without considering some hypothetical big picture that you want to put before me?

In my own case I actually am greatly comforted by my first child but I still would not want someone else to say that to me.


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