# Anyone else skipping out on extended family Christmas/holidays?



## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

My son is 19 months and last year we decided we were doing Christmas at our own house with just our little family for Christmas Eve evening and Christmas day morning. Other than that basically 18 hour period, extended family time was fair game. DH and I have a total of 4 living grandparents who all host holiday get-togethers and then there are of course our own parents. It is just too much. Plus, there is a ton of family dysfunction all over the place and I really didn't want to do it. DH's family in particular is massively dysfunctional.

This was met with a ton of resistance, especially from DH's family who said something along the lines of "well, its your life, run it how you want..." followed by saying bye and hanging up the phone. My husband, basically out of guilt, thinks we should do the crazy holiday rounds this year. I see no benefit to us or our child. I am really hoping to skip out at least for that brief period of time. Unfortunately, instead of telling them this was our new family tradition last year, he told them it was because we had a baby.... which now we have a toddler. What are other people doing? How do you handle the resistance from family or telling them in the first place? Are you at odds with your spouses over this?


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## pumpkin (Apr 8, 2003)

We are moving back to live near family just before xmas this year. Its also the first we have a child. I refuse to drag her to 6 events in a day like BIL does. I am saying that xmas morning is in our home. we will do one event on the eve with one side of the family and one event on the day with the other side. I know that my side of the family will go along with that. It may be harder with DH's side since his brother and wife go back and forth between their two sides on both days and are really rigid about attending certain events on her side. Last time we were there we even got dragged to her family's events. I'm going to try to stick to my guns though because I figure this will be a precedent setting year.

I will make an exception for visiting DH's grandmother at the nursing home. She can't travel to a family event so we will travel to her.

I'm not used to living near family. This is going to be an interesting year.


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## Beating Earth (Mar 2, 2006)

Since I've only spoken to my family once since July (when I called to tell them I was pregnant) we have pretty much given up on them totally. We will be visiting friends for Yule and my bro and sil (who have a new baby) just after Xmas.
My parents and IL have basically forteited their right to see the kids because they NEVER contact us AT ALL.
Should be a nice holiday this year.


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## greenemami (Nov 1, 2007)

We are doing the same thing this year-staying home for both xmas eve and xmas day morning. WE will be visiting my parents the afternoon of chrstimas day and doing christmas w/ dp's family a couple of weekends prior to the holidays. Luckily we don't have a ton of family to visit. Our "schedule" also changes year by year b/c dsd does every other holiday and dp's family travels every other year on a different schedule as well. However, we never go anywhere Christmas morning and ideally, we will be staying home for CHristmas Eve as well, at least after 5 pm or so-I think everybody is far more relaxed when we are not running around and can actually enjoy each other! I am really looking forward to this year's new routine.


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## Oliver'sMom (Jul 17, 2007)

We do our own thing for christmas. We also have a lot of baggage/dysfunction that seems to come up around the holidays with both sides of our family, so we opted out a long time ago...even before we got married and were dating. We have the benefit of not living near any of our family though. We've always said that if any of the grandparents really want to be with their grandson at christmas, they can come here, but so far no one has come. On thanksgiving, we sometimes travel to see family, but once we're there, we stay put. We don't go to a ton of events everywhere. None of us can handle that, and like the op said, there really isn't any benefit to going through all that.


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## caj (Nov 7, 2009)

I don't really like the idea of dragging my child from event to event. In our case it's not really with family but with friends. My DH is an only child and FIL passed away and he doesnt have contact with his other relatives, so it's just MIL. And I don't live in the same country as my parents and sisters. I have no contact with my parents and I keep contact with my sisters by mail. One of them lives in Australia and the other one lives in London. Not very close.

This year my sisters are coming and I'm certainly looking forward for that. We are just staying at home this year thank god. No parties, oh yes.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I really think you should do your own thing christmas eve, morning, and day if you so desire. It's not that much to ask! For me, when we lived in our home state with most of our family, it WAS stressful around the holidays trying to get together with everyone. I always felt rushed, tired, etc. which does not make christmas time as enjoyable as it could be, especially when you have small children. I didn't mind getting together later on christmas day or evening, or christmas eve day -- but the 18 hrs you are talking about, absolutely should be in the comfort of your own home, if that is what you want.

For us, since we moved, we are traveling to see family for the holidays BUT I will not leave until the day after Christmas. I want to spend time with those we love, sure, but am not compromising on having my children wake up christmas morning in their own home -- and doing our thing. We are our own little (not so little, actually







) family. Extended family is important, but you should definitely be able to enjoy your little one on Christmas relaxed and happy.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

It sounds like you're getting a round of emotional blackmail. I wouldn't fall for it. It is ridiculous to drag a child that age around hither and yon. Christmas is overwhelming enough for children.

I don't have very much extended family close by, so this isn't an issue for me.


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## jeanine123 (Jan 7, 2005)

Fortunately we didn't meet with any resistance from family. Or at least none that they voiced to our face or in a way that made it back to us. We live in CA, our entire family lives in WI. We made the trip when our oldest was 4 months old for Christmas and informed everyone then that this would be the last time for a very long time that we'd be making that trek at that time of year. They were already used to us only coming every other year anyway though. I'm sure they're disappointed but I figure the planes fly both ways and it's much easier for them to come visit us at the holidays than us hauling two young children to them.

Even if we lived closer we'd still likely do our own thing for the holidays, both Christmas and Thanksgiving since I highly doubt we would live any closer than a 3-4 hour drive from family. They can come to us since we're the ones with the young children. Once the kids are older I'll probably be far more flexible since the kids will be better able to handle change and new routines.


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## butterfly_mommy (Oct 22, 2007)

The big family get together's were getting to be too stressful for me so about 5 years ago we started doing "phony Christmas" on the Sat before Christmas (or the week before if Christmas is on a Sun) with our extended family and sometimes friends. It has evolved over the years and somethings change. We used to make the traditional turkey dinner and then we atart to do Chinese tak-out and this year we are trying a pot luck. We always buy presents for the kids and the gifts for the adults has been everything from getting everyone a gift to drawing names to not doing gifts for the adults. However we always play a little game for the adults where everyone brings a small $10 gift to exchange. It is great and so much less pressure.

Then Christmas Eve and Christmas morning is only for DH and I and now DS. later Christmas morning my in-laws come over and we have a "fancy" breakfast at my SIL (which is upstairs from us) and the kids open gifts from their grandparents. DH and I used to always go to a movie late Christmas afternoon and we did that last year when DS was 11 mons but this year that may change as he is not so co-operative at the movies now









The day after Christmas (boxing day) my mom always holds a party for extended family and friends (it is out of town) and we go up for that and stay a night or two at my mom's having fun in the country.

love our Christmas time it is a nice balance of family events and peaceful quite moments with just us.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Coming from a large, functional family, I think that you should stick to your guns. I love my family. If we lived closer, we'd go to someone's house for part of the celebration, but NOT for the whole time.

Two reasons to keep time on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning to yourself:

1. Doing the rounds creates overtired, overstimuated, cranky children. Even the most angelic of children melts down after the 2nd house. It's too much. It's stressful for the kids. It's doubly stressful for the parents. And that's in families where everyone gets along. Especially with a 19 month old, you do not want to try to make the rounds. Trust me on that one.

2. If you're always going to someone else's house, your kids end up with no traditions of their own. Now, if you're OK with having your traditions be the ones of your extended family, that's not a big deal. But my older sister has mourned the fact that her kid's 'traditions' are actually mostly going to one or more sets of relatives for the holidays.

Suggestions:
1. Alternate where you're going to be. My sister eventually decided on going to one pair of grandparents on Christmas Eve one year, and the other the next year. Christmas Eve is our big celebration (on both sides) so that's the one that everyone wants the kids to be at. The years that they were at our house for Christmas Eve, they would be at the other grandparents' house for Thanksgiving.

2. Start a new tradition. Host a big family get together the weekend before Christmas or on Boxing Day and ask them all to come to you. You can get away with that because it's "so hard to drag a toddler around".

3. Take a deep breath and tell your dh that when you have a child of your own, it's OK to quit being a child in your own family and take on an adult role. Children are expected to go to their parents house. Adults are expected to look out for the welfare of their children. He's getting grief because his family isn't used to his new role. They'll get over it. If they stop to think, they'll realize that not going to 4 different houses in 24 hours is a good thing for a toddler. If they can't make that realization, then their disappointment is their issue, not yours. (Our family was disappointed when my oldest sister finally said "we just can't do both families on Christmas Eve" but we understood. That's how functional families work.)


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## DeerMother (Apr 22, 2008)

I've put my foot down this year, we're not going here, there and everywhere. My dc are 21 months and it is too stressful for me.
I also firmly believe that it is time for our nuclear family to make our own traditions. Even if all that is is lying around the house watching holiday movies in our pjs.
I'm not doing Thanksgiving w/ the relatives either. Dh is opposed to my plan, but bottom line, imho, is that *I* am the primary caregiver of these children. If they skip their nap, don't eat because they're overstimulated, go to bed way later than normal bedtime then *I'm* the one who suffers that evening and that night. A lot of the activities take place during their naptime or after they go to bed. If someone invited me to a party at 3 am I would decline, I owe them the respect of being well rested.
I'm happy to do things like pps have mentioned, the week before or after, just not the day of. Also, my grandma is getting up there and I don't really enjoy seeing all my aunts and uncles and cousins. So I'm going to take dc over there one afternoon a few weeks before and just have a nice relaxing afternoon. I think the winter holidays should be about enjoying your friends and family that you actually want to see, not feeling obligated to visit.


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## snoopy5386 (May 6, 2005)

argh!! I just wrote a huge post that got deleted.....

Don't Do It!!!
When DD was a baby we lived near family and for her 1st christmas we hosted dinner so anyone who wanted to see us came to our house. If we hadn't moved away we would have continued to do that. Is hosting at your house an option??

We now live 3-4 hours away from family now and we do the traveling runaround for both thanksgiving and christmas. Both our parents are divorced so we have at least 4 households to visit...

For thanksgiving, I am willing to do the whirlwind visiting for the next two years and then we are done. We are having our 2nd in the spring and I'm willing to do the traveling during the "baby" year since they change so much when they are little. After that, we'll host here and anyone who wants to come can. As of right now - we leave here Thursday morning, drive 3 hours to my dad's side of the family, have dinner with them, then MIL and FIL will join us there for dessert (they cook dinner at their church), then we'll go to their house to spend the night. Friday morning we'll wake up, drive an hour to FIL and SMIL's house, spend the day with them and then drive back to MIL and SFIL's house to spend the night again. Saturday morning we'll wake up, drive another hour to my mom's, visit with them for the day and then drive 4 hours home that night. Whew! I do NOT want this to be my kids memories of thanksgiving growing up.
My kids school district get the whole week off for Thanksgiving so we may reconsider our plans when the kids are older...time will tell. I could see us going up the weekend before thanksgiving and then coming home either the day before or after thanksgiving.

What we've done for christmas the past two years is get up, open gifts and then jump in the car for basically a more relaxed version of thanksgiving visiting spread over 5-6 days vs. 3. This year and from now on we're staying home on xmas day and not leaving for the visiting until the 26th. This solves the problem of who "gets us" for actual christmas day (a real problem for some relatives) and lets us relax at home on xmas eve/day. Anyone who wants to be with us on xmas eve/day can come down here to visit.

It was actually really hard for me to give up on the crazy visiting - my memories of the holidays are going to all the relatives houses for big extended family gatherings and I loved it! But at the time all the relatives lived within 20 mins of each other and we still had plenty of time at home. I had a hard time giving up on the idea of my DD having similar holiday memories to mine and getting used to idea of holidays with our little family of 3 instead of the gatherings with 20 plus people that I am used to. Then I realized my DD's memories will be of spending 12-15 hours in the car each holiday and that helped to change my mind.


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## curiouscanadian (Aug 28, 2009)

This year we just told everyone that we're not going ANYWHERE on Christmas day. We are tremendously blessed to have all our family nearby, including three sets of grandparents, two great grandmothers and assorted aunts & uncles. In past years we did what we started calling the "Grand Tour" of trying to see everyone within the three day Christmas eve/ Christmas day/Boxing day period, alternating who "got" us for Christmas dinner but while we tried simplifying it a bit last year with DS, lets just put it mildly and say it didn't go well.

So we're staying home this year. The door's open if they want to come to us, but DS is going to be in familiar surroundings with HIS things and HIS bed nearby for naps when necessary.

My dad thinks we're being selfish & unreasonable, but that's his problem and everyone else seems to understand.


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## Momma2Gianna (Oct 18, 2009)

When DH and I were first married, we did the holiday rounds: Thanksgiving with his parents, Day After Thanksgiving with mine, Christmas eve with mine, Christmas day with his, and Christmas morning and Christmas night to ourselves.

Then we moved 3000 miles away.

We are not seeing any family, even the family that lives out here, for either holiday.

And honestly...We love it. I never wanted to be the family that carts around the kids on the holiday. We just want to stay at home and not do anything.









We are hosting a holiday get-together on Christmas Eve for the extended family (and they probably won't attend), but Thanksgiving is going to be just us, and Christmas day is going to be just us.


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## Red Pajama (Jun 11, 2007)

I would love to have christmas morning in our own home. As a child, I traveled for every holiday, christmas was always spent on the road. So it's what I know. But I would love to have christmas eve/morning here.

We've already got a tradition of visiting husband's family for before christmas and christmas eve, attending church that evening (a beautiful mass) and having christmas eve festivities. We leave the morning of christmas to come to either my or my sister's house for my side of the party. Some years, on the 27th, we meet five hours away for another gathering branch of my family. In that , there's no time for our own traditions.

It's grating, but I don't know how to change it. Husband is too attached to the christmas eve event at his parents' house. It's too rooted in his own childhood to be an easy break.

Maybe christmas in our own house would be too quiet and boring...


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## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

I'm the odd one in these discussions. I like the travel.

As a child, we always had the holidays at home, just our nuclear family. And, I always felt like I was really missing out on something great! LOL.

So, in a grass is always greener sort of way, I do the whole travel/hustle and bustle thing with my family, and we love it.


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## Molliejo (Jan 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *esaesa* 
I've put my foot down this year, we're not going here, there and everywhere. My dc are 21 months and it is too stressful for me.
I also firmly believe that it is time for our nuclear family to make our own traditions. Even if all that is is lying around the house watching holiday movies in our pjs.
I'm not doing Thanksgiving w/ the relatives either. Dh is opposed to my plan, but bottom line, imho, is that *I* am the primary caregiver of these children. If they skip their nap, don't eat because they're overstimulated, go to bed way later than normal bedtime then *I'm* the one who suffers that evening and that night. A lot of the activities take place during their naptime or after they go to bed. If someone invited me to a party at 3 am I would decline, I owe them the respect of being well rested.
I'm happy to do things like pps have mentioned, the week before or after, just not the day of. Also, my grandma is getting up there and I don't really enjoy seeing all my aunts and uncles and cousins. So I'm going to take dc over there one afternoon a few weeks before and just have a nice relaxing afternoon. I think the winter holidays should be about enjoying your friends and family that you actually want to see, not feeling obligated to visit.

*Yes* to everything!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Red Pajama* 
It's grating, but I don't know how to change it. Husband is too attached to the christmas eve event at his parents' house. It's too rooted in his own childhood to be an easy break.










I feel for both of you. I was your husband. We've done a morning gift exchange (with my parents, siblings, siblings-in-law, and nieces and nephews) at my mom's, plus dinner at her house, every year. In between, we'd each go home and spend some time with our own kids. Last year, dh said he didn't want to do the morning thing, anymore. I certainly didn't feel that it was okay to just say "too bad" (especially since he moved 3000 miles away from his equally loved family, just to be with me), but it was really hard to go along with it. And...I had a wonderful day. We had a leisurely morning of opening stockings/gifts here with the kids and a nice breakfast. We still went up to mom's for dinner, and it was just a wonderful day. We're going to do the same thing this year.

So, now we have a new tradition, but it was _hard_ letting go of the old one. I feel for your dh - but I also feel for you, being dragged around on rounds you don't really want to do. That's not very celebratory.


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## nummies (Jun 9, 2007)

At Christmastime this year, I will be 37-38 weeks with twins sooooo....NO travel for us!

The weekend before, my in-laws will come to our home to visit and do our Christmas celebration with them.

The day of Christmas (if I don't have newborns) we will go to my mom's house (she lives 15 miles down the road) and have lunch/ Christmas with that side of my family.

And that is it!


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## AidansMommy1012 (Jan 9, 2006)

I really hope that I can manage to convince DH to take some time off from the big extended family thing for Thanksgiving and Christmas! To begin with, he has this massive family. I come from a very small family that is spread out throughout the country, and these massive gatherings just overwhelm me. Furthermore, it's like, criminal to skip out on family events here. If one of the older members of the family says jump, you're expected to do so. They're ALL RIGHT HERE. And my own family is, again, small and several states away. We can rarely swing the cash to go visit them for the holidays. And I guess I just feel like I'm getting sucked into the Borg or something with all this time and togetherness I'm supposed to be spending with DH's family. When I was little, my nuclear family always celebrated these holidays at our house and we developed our own traditions. Occasionally grandparents or aunts and uncles would come stay with us for Christmas. But it was never this massive event. And I miss that. I'm thinking I'm really going to have to put my foot down. Every other year sounds darn fair to me.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

We decided 2 years ago that we would be at our house on Christmas Day because that was important for us to build family traditions, rather than make all of the extended family adults feel good. So, we will travel to my family's for a bit before Christmas, but we'll be back by the 23rd so that we're home for Christmas. I also hate the rush, rush, rush of the holiday rounds, and it's just not worth it to me. No one enjoys it, so it's not something we plan to do.


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## SilvanaRose (Feb 19, 2009)

I moved away from my entire family to be with DH and this will be our first year as a new family. I told DH that I wanted to start our own traditions and he seemed ok with the idea. My parents will be coming to stay with us for 2 days over the holidays to meet the baby and to celebrate. I want a quiet christmas this year because I will have a newborn and I don't want to be carting around for everyone else. I told the IL's and they seemed really put off that we didn't want to do the 'traditional' thing by going there for christmas. I told them that they were more than welcome to come to our place because we just want a nice quiet time and my parents would be there. My MIL said that it would just be easier for all of us to go to their place because they are having a party and everyone is coming. DH tells me later that MIL called him up at work (she does this ALL the time) and stated how unhappy she was that we are not going there. I do not want to be there at the best of times let alone the christmas holiday. I'm allergic to everything in that house and so is my mom, worse than me (cat hair, cat pee, dogs, dust, etc). We weren't planning on being here to begin with for the holidays (long story) but now that we are they think that we are obligated to show up. I put my foot down and told DH that I'm not going anywhere and neither is the baby and that they are still welcome to come to us. This is just 1 thing in a LONG LONG list of things that really bother me about my IL's.


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## Labbemama (May 23, 2008)

I'm skipping out on Thanksgiving. My oldest dd is in the hospital and I'm upset with just about all my family.

I just want it to be me and my kids, the 4 of us.

Since I can't have that I'm waiting for dd to get out and then we'll do Thanksgiving then.

I'm not making any plans for Christmas. If I do anything it will be with my mom and my sister.


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## NicaG (Jun 16, 2006)

Last year we put our foot down and stayed home for Christmas. We had been going to dh's family every year, and grandma was pretty upset that we stopped. We just couldn't handle the stress, sleep issues, cost of plane tix or 10 hours in the car, etc. etc. etc. We're very far away from our families. I'm sick of traveling with small children. Our Christmas last year was very nice--relaxed, calm, sweet. A little lonely, though. When I was a kid, we never spent holidays with extended family, and I always hoped I'd marry into a big happy family. Alas, no. Looking forward to another small Christmas this year. Small Thanksgiving too.


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## WC_hapamama (Sep 19, 2005)

When my oldest started school, we decided that we'd be home for Christmas morning, visit my IL's Christmas Day, and then go visit my parents (live 400 miles away) for New Years. It was too much of a PITA to alternate years for Christmas and have to bring presents for 3 kids on the 400 mile drive, as well as the gifts for my family.

This year we're doing Thanksgiving at home, because I'm going to be 40 weeks, 1 day pregnant with #5, and DH is recovering from a vasectomy.


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## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

We moved away from my husband's family about 4 years ago. It's really made Christmas so much better. My husband's grandmothers are still alive, and the families always gather at their houses...which are tiny. My MIL has 5 siblings and my FIL has 4, and they all have kids, and now THOSE kids have kids. It's a mess!

We visit a couple times a year and go to spend the day with his grandmothers' at those times. Then they really get to enjoy their great grandkids.

We'll be going back for New Year's this year, which to be honest I'm not thrilled about, but at least we'll have a nice quiet and peaceful Christmas.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
It sounds like you're getting a round of emotional blackmail. I wouldn't fall for it. It is ridiculous to drag a child that age around hither and yon. Christmas is overwhelming enough for children.

I don't have very much extended family close by, so this isn't an issue for me.


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

I'll be completely alone for Thanksgiving (ds is going with his father).
Christmas- My mom is visiting from CA. My sister and older brother will stop in but my younger brother is staying home. Neither my sister or brother can stay for long because they have to go to other houses to visit. It's going to be a strange holiday.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

The year before I got pg with our first dh and I decided that we would no longer be traveling and if they wanted to see us they could come to our house. That worked fine for a few years, but then Mil decided that since SHE did it for her mother that dh was required to do it for her. Nope. First of all, my dh doesn't do well being told what he has to do, especially by his mother!

My sister then met a guy got married and had a baby and according to him HIS family is the only family that matters. So she spends every holiday with his family.

My dad comes to visit, we cook, watch football and play with the kids. It's perfect.


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

This year yeah. We also just cant do it. It seems the older DS gets the less time we spend around family because of the 'dysfunctional' lol


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## pinksprklybarefoot (Jan 18, 2007)

I am another odd one - I like doing things on holidays. We have to work the festivities around the custody schedule, though, so our Christmas is three days instead of two.

We have DSD on the 23rd, so Santa comes then and we do some presents on the morning of the 24th. Then we go to DH's family's Christmas Eve for a few hours. After that, MIL and SIL come to our house and we celebrate as a small family. DSD goes back to her mom's that night.

On Christmas Day, we go to my dad and stepmom's house.

Because it is spread out, we have down time between events. I love Christmas, and one of my favorite memories as a child was playing with all of my cousins on Christmas at various celebrations. I wish my kids had more cousins the crazy family Christmas was a lot of fun to me as a kid.


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## paxye (Mar 31, 2005)

We stopped going anywhere when ds#1 was born... We used to do the rounds before, but neither of us drove (we lived in Montreal and didn't need to drive) so it was too much of a hassle relying on others for transport with a baby.... So we decided that we would invite whoever wanted to come on Xmas eve for our traditional supper and they have the option of sleeping over and waking up with us in the morning...

In our families we never did gifts Xmas morning (the tradition here is at Midnight on Xmas eve) but I always wanted to do it the morning with my own kids... and I love it!

Dh and I love Xmas day to stay in Pj's and just relax with the kids all day playing with new stuff and just having family time...

then between Xmas and new years we see other family members if they wish and again they come here...

I honestly can't imagine running around with the kids during the holidays....


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## hottmama (Dec 27, 2004)

I said no this year. We're staying home for Thanksgiving and Xmas. The drive (350 miles) is a pain in holiday traffic, snow and ice. If we go there we are obligated to go to my mom's, my dad's, my MILs, and my grandmother-in-law's house. And my oldest son has to go with his dad to see his grandparents. Also, my mother gets really crazy around the holidays, she is obsessed with having the house spotless and will have me dusting and vacuuming her 5BR house all day, which isn't fun. She gets stressed out and irritable and snaps at everyone, including the kids. She also tries to guilt trip us about leaving to go visit the in-laws. Ugh. And trying to fit in social visits with our friends is practically impossible around the holidays, some aren't even there. Which stinks when we only get home once every few months (we haven't been there since August now).
I'm really excited to have a relaxed holiday season at home. I'm a little sad that my oldest is traveling for a few days at Xmas with his dad, but we'll just celebrate another day. We're not Christian so the date doesn't really matter. This will be the first year I've not been at my mom's on Xmas and I feel nothing but relief.


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## Aliyahsmommy (Sep 9, 2008)

Oh the holiday traveling from house to house...I know it well. Christmas Eve we go to my mothers home and then my MIL after that. Christmas morning we spend at home, my fathers for Christmas afternoon, and then my MIL again for Christmas dinner. I believe this year my mother wants us to come the day before Christmas Eve so at least that will help. I also hate that on Christmas we are always rushed out of my fathers to get to Christmas dinner on time. What can you do...I don't really want to invite everyone to our house as I don't want to be in charge of the cooking or cleaning up lol especially with me having a toddler and a newborn.


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## major_mama11 (Apr 13, 2008)

We both have fairly big extended families, and we're putting our foot down this year, sort of.

DH's family has xmas eve at his gma's, xmas morning at his parents, and then my gma has xmas day dinner, plus we have to see my parents at some point too. Too much. So this year we're still going to xmas eve at his gma's, since they're next door and it's easy to leave, but on xmas day we're not leaving the house. We told everyone on both sides to come to our house if they want to see us on xmas day. It just seems wrong to drag two little kids out in the cold on xmas day, rather than have a nice relaxing morning, in our own home.

It has been kind of a gradual process, extricating ourselves from making all the family rounds. DH's parents are next door, and probably that made it harder for her to realize that her 30-something kids have families of their own now and don't necessarily want to be in her house unwrapping presents all day like when they were little.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

It was a real relief during the holiday season after MIL stopped talking to us. So nice to just stay home (we live with my mom so we see her automatically). We used to go to MIL's for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve (or a Christmas dinner the Sunday before Christmas). It was a strain even before ds because we always had jobs that had us at work on Christmas Eve and Black Friday.

I want our little family to have our own traditions that aren't dependent on more distant relatives whose plans change from year to year. I want ds to be well rested and enjoy the day. I want him to be happy with a low key Christmas and not think it is lacking because he is used to making the rounds with an extravaganza at each house. I want his childhood memories of Christmas to be waking up in his bed and coming down the stairs at his house.

My dad always hated having to visit relatives for Christmas dinner and not being able to play with his new toys. My cousins always went to our grandma's and they thought Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas anymore when she died. I don't think they had Christmas even once in their own home.

I'm not adverse to visiting or traveling. Just not every year and not when the kids are young and napping.


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## noobmom (Jan 19, 2008)

I think most families are dysfunctional to some extent. Who gets to define normal anyway?

To me, the day of Christmas or Thanksgiving is not any particularly special day of the year for my nuclear family, especially since DH works in education and gets a string of days off before and afterwards these holidays. So, if I lived in town and had parents or ILs who really wanted to see our family on those days, I would make an effort to go see them. I would not "do rounds" or anything like that, but I would go to one or two houses.

Unfortunately for us, we live far enough away from our parents that seeing them means a long drive (9 hours) or plane flight and several days minimum. It's impossible to see both my family and DH's family and get some quality time at home since we all live several hundred/thousand miles away from each other. So, my compromise is that we rotate from year to year. Some years we go to the ILs, sometimes to my parents house, and sometimes we stay home. It works for us.


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## Qestia (Sep 26, 2005)

We live 1000 miles from both families. I think this will be our second one where we have not travelled to see them. They are welcome to come to us (but they're not). I hate travelling at Xmas, it's always crazy, the weather is unpredictable, you have to lug all those presents both ways... plus I think it's nice for DS to get up in the morning and be able to play with his gifts in his own house. Still, it was a little lonely last year. I sort of wish we lived close enough to have our own celebration in the morning and then meet for Xmas dinner. We are travelling to DH's sisters (1000 miles in a dif direction) for thanksgiving though.


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## calidarling (Jul 14, 2006)

This year we rented a cabin in Tahoe! For years, even before having a child, going from in law house to my families places was just too much. Dp and I are both very attached to our childhood Christmas memories, however, its not the same so it was easier to detach and make the plans to go out of town.

In my family, I was the youngest until ds came along. As much as my family loves my son, they also have no clue about what to expect from a toddler. No he doesn't want to sit and wait his turn to open ONE of the tons of presents and then wait for twenty other people to do the same. Three hours on gifts is too much, for me to.

And no, he is not really going to sit through a formal dinner after all the cool toys were made available.

And yes we really have to get home early, otherwise he will melt down and none of my family understand.

Inlaws used to have a big christmas eve gathering, which wasn't that bad, at least dp family has a bunch of kids. However, most of them moved out of town five years ago or so, so now its dp, me, ds, MIl, Fil and another one or two family members. THey all eat around the tv and go off to play video games or something.

Since we live close to both families we see them all the time and holidays are not special in that way.

So now we are going to have a white christmas! My first! SO exciting, and ds loves the snow.

We would have hosted for everyone, but our house is too small.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

When ds was 2 we declared we were staying home the 24th and 25th. The 24th family is invited down (they live 1.5 hours away), but they don't spend the night (no room). The 25th we have an evening tradition we stick to with our little family.


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## Surfer Rosa (Jun 3, 2005)

*


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## Malva (Nov 2, 2005)

We've been doing our own thing since moving within driving distance of family (2 hours away). We used to live far enough that it wasn't an issue.

My reasoning is: we're the ones with little kids and travelling is more trouble for us than for them. They're welcome to come here if they want.

One of the deciding factor is that dh and I come from very different backgrounds and we had traditions that are mutually exclusive (i.e. you can't open gift on xmas morning if you had a reveillon on xmas eve and opened gifts at midnight). So we picked and chose how we wanted to do things and really enjoy our little celebrations now. They're all welcome to join us if they want.


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