# Newborn in the family



## manhattanmamma (Feb 5, 2013)

My SIL had a baby girl two weeks before we lost our daughter. I have stayed away for the past month, since we found out. But tonight I saw her and the baby. I thought I was ready, but I wasn't. It was so hard. I broke down and cried in the bathroom and left without saying goodbye. I want to love the new baby- but seeing her carry the baby on her chest reminded me of what it was like to carry my child, and it was all too much.

I've been doing much better this week since we had a memorial service last Sunday, but it hit me again tonight that this is forever.


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## cynthia mosher (Aug 20, 1999)

I'm so sorry for your loss









Maybe you could use some focused help working through your grief? I suggest you post to Robbie's forum here: http://www.mothering.com/community/f/16910/robbie-davis-floyd


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## manhattanmamma (Feb 5, 2013)

Thank you Cynthia. I am getting a lot of help from a therapist and counselor. I was just looking for other women who relate here.


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## lovecarrieson (Jun 3, 2013)

Can anyone say how long after a loss you were able to have a positive attitude toward babies and pregnant women again??


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

I don't know - it's just such a personal and variable thing.

I knew a bunch of people who were pregnant or had small babies when I had my miscarriage, and I stayed in contact with them, and never really felt like I couldn't cope with pregnancy pr babies, but I definitely couldn't cope with my ob's waiting room, and extended conversations about early pregnancy put me right over the edge. Fussing over nursery decorations or baby registries was intolerable. Actual babies were fine, but I can imagine situations where I might have felt differently.


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## Smidge (Aug 29, 2007)

I'm so sorry mama









I had a similar experience with my cousin. Here and I were due with in weeks of each other. I lost mine at 10 weeks and she's still going strong. I saw her 5 weeks later I lost my baby and couldn't hold it together. Lots of tears were shed and I too thought I would be fine.

It's okay to grieve.

My cousin was so thoughtful and came and gave me a hug and talked to me about my loss.

@Lovescarrieson: I was okay with young toddlers right away. Haven't seen a newbie baby yet.


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## lovecarrieson (Jun 3, 2013)

Lacey, I'm sorry for your loss and your pain.

This week, I saw a coworker who is due at the exact same time I was. I work in a super corporate office and I'm not even close to this woman, but I put my head on her shoulder and started crying! She was so sweet, she cried too. It was insane to look at her stomach and know that's where I'd be if I hadn't lost Peanut 3 weeks ago at 20 weeks. She's having some pregnancy complications (full previa) which I hate to say made it a little easier for me--kind of like, you know what? pregnancy is damned hard and uncertain under any conditions. It was actually a good experience overall.

My cousin's wife is due 5 weeks before me but this is a rainbow baby and their first, so they just give me hope rather than pain. That said, I don't know that I'll be ready to meet their baby anytime soon after she comes.

The really hard one is my close friend who was due 5 weeks after me. We were doing everything together in the pregnancy. I'm going to her wedding in 2 weeks and I'm just dying. I decided to skip her bridal shower this weekend. Her mother sent out an email asking everyone to bring her maternity clothes as shower gifts, and then all her friends who don't know me wrote back about how they can't wait to see her belly, etc. For a moment I thought I would die from the grief.


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## manhattanmamma (Feb 5, 2013)

lovecarrieson- I was wondering if you had skipped the baby shower. I skipped the birthday party, with your words ringing in my ears. Ultimately it was hard to do. But I had a backup plan of another party to go to where I didn't know people, and so it didn't look strange to them that I didn't have a belly. I am really glad I didn't go.

I'm so sorry you had to be on that email chain. My heart goes out to you. I know all to well that sudden feeling you might die of grief. My close friend who I was pregnant (and who was due three weeks before me) with will likely have a baby shower very soon, and I am hoping that nobody invites me.


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## lovecarrieson (Jun 3, 2013)

There is NO WAY you can attend that shower! Of course they'll invite you, but going would be beyond torture. It will probably be awkward for her as well to have you there (as I posted elsewhere, that's one of my justifications for missing my friend's bridal shower).


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## manhattanmamma (Feb 5, 2013)

I spent time with my cousin's ten-month-old this week. They stayed with us while visiting New York for a wedding. At first it was difficult. I've been feeling overwhelmed with grief sometimes in a way that makes me want to throw up. I breathed through the first few hours when they arrived- then really let myself enjoy the baby's presence. She was so sweet and wonderful. It confirmed that I really do want to be a mother. It was so nice to see my partner with the baby too. I can tell he is going to be a great father.

That said- I still want to stay away from newborns (including my new niece), and pregnant women make me really angry still.

Lovecarrieson- I agree- there is no way I am going to that baby shower. It has been almost six weeks, and I am still avoiding situations where that friend will be. It makes me sad- I hope this experience hasn't changed us forever- but I have a feeling it might have a lasting effect on our friendship.


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## smlame (Nov 13, 2007)

I am so sorry, Manhattanmamma! I think the one thing about grief is how you can never predict what will and will not be hard. Some things come out of the blue and just knock you off your feet and other things that you might be dreading turn out okay. Hugs to you!


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Sigh. It takes a long time. Thank goodness we did not have close cousins or nieces and nephews at the same time as our loss. We do have one third cousin on my husband's side who is the exact same age as my lost son. Thankfully, they live far away from us, so I did not have to have this "living time line" so close to me all the time. I just saw Fbook pics of this kid today, it is his 21st bday just like my lost son's would have been this month. He looks exactly like my rainbow son born just three years later. So yeah, seeing him at every holiday would have been harsh.

Do whatever you have to in the short term to get by. Change your traditions or stay away when you know you are feeling tender. Don't be afraid to protect your heart.

Oh, and I don't do baby showers anymore. EVER!


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## lovecarrieson (Jun 3, 2013)

Having lunch with a friend tomorrow. Just found out she's bringing her 4 month old. So this will be my first baby encounter since the loss...oy...


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## manhattanmamma (Feb 5, 2013)

How did the lunch go? I'm going to see my SIL this weekend. I have an exit strategy though (a car), and my partner says he'll leave at any time.


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## lovecarrieson (Jun 3, 2013)

Thanks for checking in!









I just got back from lunch and it wasn't really that bad. My friend's baby is a fair-haired girl. I think if it had been a black-haired baby boy, as my boy likely would have been (my husband is Persian) I might have died of grief. As it was, it didn't feel like her baby had much to do with my lost baby. I think a family member's baby might be harder, though, because you feel a special connection and yet it's not THE special connection you're craving.

Pregnant women are hard for me, harder than babies I guess. Every pregnant woman seems like a smug [nasty word] to me. I know they aren't really smug [nasty word]s, but that's how it seems when I see them and their perfectly adorable round bumps!!

I'm bracing for Friday and Saturday, when I'll be surrounded by babies and pregnant women for my pregnant friend's wedding.


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## mamata4 (Jul 15, 2013)

I had a miscarriage Sunday, and on Thursday I am supposed to go spend 5 days with my pregnant sister in law. Three years ago we had babies 9 days apart, and we were very excited to be pregnant together again. She lives very far away, and we often only see them once or twice a year, so it's not really an option for us to skip the visit since we may not see them for another year. I love her, but I'm really not sure I can handle being around her just a few days after losing my baby.


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## taichimom (Jul 5, 2013)

I have a few PG friends and a few who just had babies- I'm avoiding them like the plague. It seems like right after a m/c all you see are babies and pg women and it breaks my heart. I just play the "busy mom" card and don't explain, because they didn't know I was pg in the first place. I end up being apologetic because I never told them. And unless you have had a m/c I think they have a hard time understanding the depth of my grief.

I have had losses in the past and I know that time will heal things- but for now, I avoid babies if I can.


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## lovecarrieson (Jun 3, 2013)

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I vote don't go! It seems impossible to back out now but it isn't. Even nonrefundable air fare can be converted to a credit, though you will be charged a change fee.

Protect yourself from more heartache while you're in such a vulnerable place. If you have to go then I think you'll have to be honest with your s-i-l how hard this is for you. The worst thing for me was attending a pregnant friend's wedding 6 weeks after my loss. If I could have been honest and authentic it would have been more bearable.

So sorry. Good luck


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Quote:


> Can anyone say how long after a loss you were able to have a positive attitude toward babies and pregnant women again??


I'm miscarrying right now - we discovered the MC about a week ago. I'm surprised to find that it doesn't bother me at all. I'm *aware* of it, but I don't feel upset or angry or anything. I visited a friend's 5-week-old the other day, and visited with SIL's 3-month-old today, and it was fine - it was nice to snuggle them and hug them. I guess it really differs from woman to woman. This was a pretty early loss (discovered at 12 weeks, but a missed m/c) - I'm sure it'd be much harder with a later loss.

Oddly enough, it took me AGES after DD's traumatic birth and babyhood to have a positive attitude towards babies and pregnant women again! I felt really cynically sorry for any friend who'd been foolish enough to get herself pregnant and doom herself to the horrors of childbirth, and bitter about women who claimed they enjoyed pregnancy... I mostly managed to keep it to myself, but it wasn't pretty. Took DS' much better birth and MUCH easier babyhood to get over that. Emotions are weird.


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## PrimalJoy (Feb 12, 2013)

I definitely had an adjustment period when *some* pregnant women and baby stuff would trigger my grief. Some very close friends were due a few days after we would have been with our last loss. Then, shortly after our loss, they found out they were having twins. I found any news or contact with them very upsetting for a long time. My grief was better by the time their babies were born, and I was able to separate my situation from theirs, but for a long time contact with them just drove home how unfair pregnancy loss is. A few weeks after the loss, we had a baby shower at work. I thought I was ready to be there, but I wasn't and made a hasty retreat.

It was strange because some situations would really upset me, and others didn't do that to me. I gave myself permission to just go with what I was feeling. I had to avoid our pregnant friends for a good while, but at some point I was able to be around them again. It's okay to let yourself feel what you're feeling, and think what you're thinking (yes, I thought some horrible things about some of the pregnant people in my life for a bit). It will change over time, and you can't rush it.


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## Wilhelmina (Feb 28, 2011)

My friend had her baby the *same day* I had my D&C because of my missed miscarriage discovered in week 14 (the baby passed at 12+2). It was on the 14.4.2014. It's been over a month now and I still haven't been able to stop feeling bitter about it. I haven't even seen the baby yet and I'm actually not planning to. My husband doesn't seem to fully understand.


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## PrimalJoy (Feb 12, 2013)

Wilhelmina -- How awful. I think it's entirely normal for you to not feel able to see the baby right now, and also normal that your husband doesn't get it. Mine didn't either; they just seem to experience these things differently. Don't worry about his cluelessness or your friend's reaction to you staying away. So few people really *get* what miscarriage grief is like, so you really need to be there for yourself and give yourself as much space and time as you need. You probably will eventually feel okay about seeing your friend's baby, but you can't control when that happens, so don't worry about rushing it. It took me about five months to manage to be around our pregnant friends. We're okay now; the difference between her babies and my lost baby feels more distinct. Only time could do that for me.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I was okay a little over a year after with babies and pregnant women. As in when I had my rainbow. I felt disconnected my entire preg saw a shrink too. I felt it got easier once my due date passed with pregnant women although babies the same age as my loss would have been were hard for a while


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## Wilhelmina (Feb 28, 2011)

PrimalJoy said:


> Wilhelmina -- How awful. I think it's entirely normal for you to not feel able to see the baby right now, and also normal that your husband doesn't get it. Mine didn't either; they just seem to experience these things differently. Don't worry about his cluelessness or your friend's reaction to you staying away. So few people really *get* what miscarriage grief is like, so you really need to be there for yourself and give yourself as much space and time as you need. You probably will eventually feel okay about seeing your friend's baby, but you can't control when that happens, so don't worry about rushing it. It took me about five months to manage to be around our pregnant friends. We're okay now; the difference between her babies and my lost baby feels more distinct. Only time could do that for me.


Thank you so much &#8230; I think I'm finally starting to get in the place where I might be able to see the baby &#8230; Although, I don't think I'll be totally fine until I'm at least pregnant again (and at least 25 weeks along)  In other words, I might not be able to see the baby until the end of this year &#8230; but I'm really not going to force myself. No reason for more pain.


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