# How to handle when my 3 year old is rude to adults



## TranscendentalMom (Jun 28, 2002)

My 3 year old ds is kind of shy and during the holidays we visited many, many relatives and friends. Over the week sometimes he was in the mood to socialize and sometimes he would hide when people spoke to him or say things like "No! Don't talk to me!" As his mother, I know its just because he was tired and overwhelmed but I found myself making excuses for him all week and I feel like I shouldn't allow him to be rude. Usually I gave it a feeble "Honey, let's not talk to people that way." and I didn't feel it was effective. Any ideas?


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I think at the age of 3 people should mostly just get over themselves and understand that it's coming from a tired, overwhelmed 3 year old. I suppose I might say "Are you feeling tired/wanting to be alone?" or something like that. If for no other reason than to clue the other person into what is up.


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

Maybe you could teach him a nicer way to get the message across that he doesn't feel like talking at that point. When my DS says "leave me alone" I tell him that saying "I need some space" or "I need some time alone" is a nice way to say "leave me alone" Maybe you could suggest that he say "I don't feel like talking" or something like that. I also think the other mama had a good idea.


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## MelMel (Nov 9, 2002)

i say and do exactly what the pp's said....and then i ask myself why people use such terrible, rude behavior with little toddlers/children...especially at such a vulnerable time.

my 3 year old had every 'jolly'
(tipsy? needy?)
relative yelling in her face, grabbing her, touching her hair/face a bit too roughly while dodging thrown objects from over-sugared kids everywhere we went.







: and they want her to smile sweet and dole out hugs and kisses to their ciggarette-smoke smelling selves??









my dd is usually fine around normal people who speak in normal tones and are respectful of her space and bounderies like they would another adult.


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## Flor (Nov 19, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jilian*
Maybe you could teach him a nicer way to get the message across that he doesn't feel like talking at that point. When my DS says "leave me alone" I tell him that saying "I need some space" or "I need some time alone" is a nice way to say "leave me alone" Maybe you could suggest that he say "I don't feel like talking" or something like that. I also think the other mama had a good idea.

I agree. When ds says, I want water NOOOOOW. I say, could you say, I want water, please? And he genuinely seems happy that I gave him such a great idea! I still do this with my 8th graders that I teach. OFTEN, kids don't mean to sound rude, or they don't know that it sounds rude and are open to suggestions.


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## 4Marmalade (May 4, 2004)

I agree with the pp's. When my 3 year old says something someone "might" consider rude I usually just give ds different words to use to get his point across. Over the holidays when any family asked ds if he was going to eat whatever was on his plate he would reply "No, it's yucky







". He didn't say this for everything just specific things he didn't like. Poor MIL. I didn't really bat an eye and just told ds that saying something is yucky isn't really nice when someone has gone to a lot of trouble to prepare dinner. I told him it's OK to not like something and to say no thank you but saying yucky isn't appropriate. And then we carried on with dinner. I just assume that MIL will get over it and realize that he's 3!!


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

My ds is like this, even with my sisters. He is not comfortable with too much attention focused on him. If they fawn over him too much or question him too much he will tell them to go away etc. He told my sis yesterday not to stand near him, in a rude tone of voice.
I don't like him using a rude tone with other people, or myself. I tell him that talking to his aunts in that way is rude, and just to say "I'm busy playing with this toy right now", or that he can walk away if he doesn't like it. I explain to my sister right then and there that ds doesn't like being the center of attention and that is his way of trying to stop the interaction. She is a more mainstream disciplinarian (as most of my family is) so she would just assume to herself and maybe snidely to others standing nearby (it's happened before), that he is rude and I don't discipline him. I do it out loud so ds knows I understand his feelings and my sister and others understand why he is behaving that way, and maybe she won't pressure him for social interaction any more.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Yes, I think its important to teach them "nice" ways to express a need to be left alone. But I also think that, if you are getting this response consistently then you need to look at whether you are overdoing it around this time of year. It is so easy to get carried away and say "yes" to way too much. Even us adults get overwelmed at this time of year -- imagine what it must feel like to do all of this when you don't have a choice, people expect you to be nice, polite, smiling all the time and you don't get the nap time, down time, regular meals and snacks that you need! It is very very difficult to say "no, I'm sorry, we can't do X" to people you want to please but sometimes we need to for the kids' sake.


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## Suzetta (Dec 21, 2003)

I try to discuss these things with my dd after the event, and also do a warm up chat prior to going places, to remind her of appropriate behavior. I can often tell ahead of time if she is going to act up just by asking her how she feels about seeing so and so.

If she is tired or overstimulated and starts acting like this, I will apologize for her behavior, then take her into a quiet area and just hold her quietly if at all possible. It is funny, because I think folks assume that I am 'disciplining' her, because she always comes back more settled and focused.

I try to deal with it at both angles, respecting her personal space and boundaries, while also encouraging her to learn that it is socially inappropriate to be 'rude' when feeling this way.


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## eminer (Jan 21, 2003)

What UnschoolnMa said! I've found that my dd does this when people come on too strong. For some reason, many adults act on the belief that little kids love having a huge unfamiliar person stand right over them and direct a bunch of intense attention at them, and will continue despite any evidence to the contrary (e.g. said child saying, "No!" and burying head in mother's knees). I think the response is normal, not "rude", for age 3. It can still be helpful to facilitate and offer other expressions in these situations, but no need to worry that you're allowing it.


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## suziek (Jun 4, 2004)

I just want to say that I found myself laughing at Melmel's response. Are we related?


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