# Angry



## MysticHealerMom (Oct 7, 2002)

I haven't been lurking. Please bear with me. I didn't want to read everything and be sad. I know someone may have already said something that relates to how I feel, but I wanted to say how I feel for me, regardless of the economy of reading other posts beforehand. I mean no disrespect. Consider this a message in a bottle, if you choose. Out there in the ether...

Here's the thing of it, I'm just angry. Not hot and throwing things, but smoldering. I don't understand it.

I'm 11w5d. I really want to be a mom. I want this babe. My dh wants him, too. I'm so afraid something is going to happen. I hate that my innocence is lost. Maybe that's making me angry. Gr.

And I'm angry about losing #1. Not down-right-depressed sad, anymore. I thought I was dealing with it well. I went through the emotions, the heartache. I let everything wash over me and validated my feelings. I let people comfort me and feel comforted. I found something to do. I think it took my mind off things more than helped me do something. Still.

Perhaps it has to do with the fact I lost him at 18weeks. He was so real. We were connected. He was tiny, but a little person. I have so long to go before I get there again. When it happened, it wasn't simple, either. And ultimately, there was no single reason for it. I didn't know if I could do this again. I wanted to be his mom (I was his mom, for a little while, but I wanted him to stay with me.).

And, we've been trying for a while, or, not NOT trying. I thought I was ready, and if I wasn't, I would be. And then one day, I had this, I don't know, epiphany, and I thought, I'm ready. Now, everything will be ok. It was pretty intense. And then 2 weeks later I found out I was already there. Surprise! And welcome, too.

But, why am I angry? Who am I angry at? Could I just get over it and be happy? Well, I am happy, and angry. Gar.

I know this is going to sound ungrateful, but if you respond, please don't tell me you're sorry. I already talked about the loss when it happened and everyone told me they were sorry and I really appriciated it. But right now I'm just angry







and confused and scared. And happy.







it's so weird.


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## MysticHealerMom (Oct 7, 2002)

I think that's it. I'm angry that I'm no longer innocent about losing my baby. I wanted to be one of those women who just has a baby. I never thought of it until after the loss.

I wrote the above msg, and I thought about it, and I added that line about innocence, and I thought, I feel less angry.

And I was going to delete it. And then I thought. Perhaps it makes sense to someone else and perhaps that was only part of what was making me angry. Perhaps someone has some other ideas, as well.

Thanks for bearing with me. I just don't want to go down this path while I'm trying to build a little person.

cheers,


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

I think that *this path* is a part of the healing process. I find myself angry, confsed, scared, elated, and blissfully happy a lot these days. I agree, it fustrates me, sometimes even angers me, to realize that most pregnant women do not spend their pregnancies as I now do... they don't question wether or not they will have a baby to take home. They just take it as a given. I wish I could plan a baby shower without an eeerie feeling of irony. I wish I could have the innocence back that so many others enjoy.

It is true that when you experience a pregnancy loss, especially when it's after the first trimester and you think everything is going so well, that it really destroys that innocence about every pregnancy bringing forth a baby to keep. I know, having lost my daughter minutes before her natural term birth, that I will not be able to fully relax until this next child is in my arms, and at my breast. At the same time, it is a releif to find that, just as last time, as the pregnancy progresses and becomes more 'real' that it is getting easier to be positive and bond with this baby and this pregnancy.

I know that, having lost a child, my future children will be cherished in a way that comes from knowing how very fortunate I am to be blessed with them. Perhaps that pure joy will help make up for the anxiety in the pregnancies? Or is that beingh a little too Pollyanna-ish?


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I often think back at things and what I remeber most about loosing my daugher is the anger. It lingered for so long. What I realized is that I couldn't just accept the whole "angle in heaven" fluffy stuff that everyone was giving me.

I wanted to be sad and rage and just 'feel' how I needed to feel without being told how I should feel.

Anger is an emotion we have to help us cope. Reach down deep inside of you and find the root of the anger. Go ahead and get mad. Scream your head off - be as angry as you need to. By doing this, you'll move through it and eventually find some peace.

It's been almost 9 years since my daugher Amanda Leigh was born still. I now have two beautiful children who I'm thanful for every day. But I still feel sad and angry that I don't have my daugher Amanda here with me.

I love what XM said about the loss of innocents. I think that sums it up so well. We now 'know' the dark side of pregnancy.

Please feel free to come here and vent as much as you need. Take care of yourself.


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## indiegirl (Apr 15, 2002)

I admire your anger. That was a stage I never really went through with my loss.


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## MysticHealerMom (Oct 7, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Xiola'sMomma_
*I know that, having lost a child, my future children will be cherished in a way that comes from knowing how very fortunate I am to be blessed with them. Perhaps that pure joy will help make up for the anxiety in the pregnancies? Or is that beingh a little too Pollyanna-ish?







*
Na, I actually thought about that, too. Thanks for reminding me.

Quote:

_Originally posted by Ms. Mom_
*I often think back at things and what I remeber most about loosing my daugher is the anger. It lingered for so long. What I realized is that I couldn't just accept the whole "angle in heaven" fluffy stuff that everyone was giving me.

Please feel free to come here and vent as much as you need. Take care of yourself.*
I didn't think anger had a place. I wasn't angry until now. Other folks talk about anger in mourning, why did they leave me, that kinda thing. I never blamed God or the universe or whatever. My personal belief is that the soul or whathaveyou is eternal, and we are reincarnated. We are part of the universe when we aren't here. So, he wasn't really gone, just not physically with me. That helped me more than thinking he was denied to me and recalled to heaven or something. I don't believe he suffered, but I believe he wanted to be with me, if he could, and maybe will again. That birth is a gateway, but a soul isn't lost if they don't make it through.

Thanks for letting me vent and share my anger. I wasn't sure how that would go over.

I'll think about what you said and let my anger rummage around in my head, somewhat.

peace


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I'm glad it's helped to come here and vent. Another thing you may want to try is writing down your feelings. This way you can pick throught them and try to find where the anger is comming from.

I had a great deal of anger when I was pregnant again. So many people though I was 'ok' now and that the first baby didn't happen. It hurt me because I was still greiving and really stuck in anger.

I wish you gentleness,


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## susan61 (Sep 14, 2002)

Mommas, I just want to thank you for sharing. It's through this honesty that we all learn, whether we've experienced the same things or not. I say, let 'er rip...whatever gets you through.


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## gamrgrl (Jul 9, 2002)

Anger is a natural part of the greifing process. It is just a sign that you are progressing through the steps in a normal healthy fashion. Grief isn't all sadness, it is sadness, and anger, and emptiness, and rememberance and a lot of things all together. Don't be afraid to be angry, it is natural. It is also natural to be angry in part of yourself, but not in others. It all sounds perfectly normal to me.


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## texasmama (Aug 19, 2002)

I understand your anger. I lost two babies before my ds was born at 29 weeks with Down Syndrome.

I now have a baby that is almost 9 months old. During my pregnancy with her, I too was angry and scared. I feared she would have Down Syndrome or not be born. I didn't know what a real labor pain was. She ended up going full term (day after due date). She weighed in at 9 pounds 13 ounces. She is healthy and strong and beautiful. I didn't know that until she was born.


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## MysticHealerMom (Oct 7, 2002)

wow.

It reminds me of a story I read, I was reading the Art of Happiness by HH the Dalai Lama on the way home afterwards. It was timely. I'll have to paraphrase.

It was about a woman who went to the Buddha after her child died. And she asked him to bring her son back to life and he said that he could do this for her, but he needed an herb and she needed to get it from a house where no one had died, not child or a parent or a grandparent. And she went to all the houses in the village and she couldn't find one house in which someone hadn't died of disease or accident or old age. And she went back and told the Buddha that she found out she was not the only one, that there were others in pain, as well.

Thanks, texasmama. Peace and warm wishes for sharing your pain. And strength for the future.


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