# What do I do in this situation:



## anudi01 (Aug 11, 2004)

Hi. I need some advice on a sensitive issue. A family member (not very close, but close enough) just lost her baby. She was just into her second trimester. She has never had a child and is somewhat advanced in age. Her husband was married before and had had a vasectomy. He got the procedure reversed and they got pregnant about (6) months later. I know she would love to have a family, but I'm not sure if they will try again. I meanwhile am pregnant. I want to send my sympathy, but I'm not sure exactly what to do. I don't want to be impersonal and not respond, but I feel a little awkward, that my ?pregnantness? will leave her feeling more upset. Let me spell out how we are "related". My husbands mother's sister's son is married to this woman. How should I respond? She did not reach out to me regarding the news, we heard it through the grapevine.

Not quite sure what to do and what not to do...


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## starlightsound (Feb 18, 2006)

Send a card. Take them some food. Don't offer an explanation or try to "ease" the pain ("your child is with God now," "You can always try again," etc...). Just bear witness as you see fit.

You've got a kind heart to be moved this way; I found the simplest gestures to mean the most!

Peace to you and your family...


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Definitely like the card idea. It will give her something to hold onto. Tangible things are valuable. Try to express your grief for losing the baby, not just for the mom. That will mean something to her.

In all likelihood, not enough people will reach out to her. It's good of you to care.


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## fallriverfox (Nov 16, 2006)

Send a letter. I know it's hard to think of something to say, but your words rather than pre-printed words will be worth a lot.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

As simple note is always best.


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## juneau (May 20, 2005)

it's always better to say something than nothing. A card is a great idea.

My SIL and I were pregnant at the same time last year, and I lost my baby at 14 weeks; she was about 3 weeks behind me. I was so distraught I couldn't talk to her (or anyone) directly. I asked for friends and family to send me letters that I could read when I was emotionally prepared to do so. My SIL, feeling very awkward, I'm sure, never sent me a card or even an e-mail. Months went by, and I asked my mom to tell her to say "something." Eventually she called me, and talked all about her plans for her baby but never even mentioned my loss. I sobbed for three days after I got off the phone. I did finally get up the courage to tell her how hurt I felt when I saw her after her baby was born, but she said she thought that because she was pregnant I wouldn't want to hear from her. The opposite was true; I needed to know that she understood how much my loss hurt me.

Sorry, that was long. But the gist of it is, any gesture of sympathy will probably be welcome. A simple, "I'm so very sorry for your loss," would be 1000 times better than saying nothing and probably a lot better than some of the other things she's hearing from other people.


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## tessamami (Mar 11, 2002)

Maybe a fruit basket, or something? Grief and the comfort of food, I always think that a gift of food for the grief stricken is a good idea.









How wonderful of you to think of her!


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *juneau* 
Sorry, that was long. But the gist of it is, any gesture of sympathy will probably be welcome. A simple, "I'm so very sorry for your loss," would be 1000 times better than saying nothing and probably a lot better than some of the other things she's hearing from other people.

Juneau, you're absolutely right.
I was really touched this morning to get a sympathy card from my husband's grandmother this morning acknowledging our latest loss.


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## normajean (Oct 21, 2003)

I think you should express your sympathy in some way...a card (not a get well card, she's not sick...a thinking of you card), a gift basket...something.

And hold off on announcing your pregnancy to her for a few weeks, or let her hear through the grapevine that you are pregnant. Hearing from you wont be painful, talking about your pregnancy may be.


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## WeasleyMum (Feb 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tessamami* 
Maybe a fruit basket, or something? Grief and the comfort of food, I always think that a gift of food for the grief stricken is a good idea.









How wonderful of you to think of her!

When I miscarried last month, a friend of mine sent a gift-basket with all kinds of lovely things in it-- candles, soap, chocolates. My mom sent a huge box of goodies: a home-baked cake, bags of nuts, candies, dried fruits. I was so touched by both, by the acknowledgement.

What's worst is when people try to pretend it never happened. Or maybe they're not pretending and just don't realize how devastating it is. Send something, or call.


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## SquibsNCrackers (Oct 21, 2005)

I wouldn't assume or guess your "pregnantness" will increase her pain, though it may. Instead, it might help her to feel less isolated, outcast and somehow "wrong" because she lost her baby.

Nine years ago, I was pregnant, due 12/07/1998. A friend of mine was due a few weeks earlier. On November 3rd, I visited my midwife and we could find no heartbeat. On November 6th, I delivered my stillborn son, Gareth David, at a hospital, without drugs.

My friend had not had her baby yet. When she heard about our loss, she called and came by, heavy with her living child, to offer me support. Several weeks later she and her newborn son attended the circle honoring our son.

I know some grieving mothers have felt like they couldn't stand to be around pregnant moms or new babies. It was certainly difficult for me to spend the night in the hospital after Gareth was born, surrounded by the sounds of labor and newborns (especially after a planned homebirth).

With my friend, I did not feel that way at all. I was more afraid she would not want to be around me - that she (and others) would feel like it endangered her pregnancy and later her new baby to even acknowledge my son's stillbirth. Maybe it sounds crazy, but that was my fear. I even feared that it was somehow true (that I could jinx her pregnancy).

Before Gareth, I had never considered the concept of stillbirth, had never known or even heard of a stillbirth occurring in this day and age. I felt cursed, doomed - like a human bad luck charm. I wouldn't have blamed her if she had stayed away from me until well after her baby was born.

Some of my friends felt that it was insensitive of her to have come to the circle with her newborn. I didn't feel that way. I felt it was a great gift. It helped me feel like my experience was part of the greater circle of life, that life goes on, and that my baby's death was not something to hide so that other people could feel okay. We never had any awkward moments about how Gareth would have been the same age as her son at various stages. Watching her son grow brought me bittersweet feelings of love, remembrance and loss.

The woman you posted about might not feel the way I did if you visit her now or after your baby is born. But she might.

Sorry for the length.


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## normajean (Oct 21, 2003)

Wow, Mccanann, what a beautiful story. You articulated your feelings so well!


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

How about sending her a card that says 'I'm thinking of you at this difficult time"?


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WeasleyMum* 
What's worst is when people try to pretend it never happened. Or maybe they're not pretending and just don't realize how devastating it is. Send something, or call.









: I also liked the gift basket idea with candles, soap and chocolates given by WeasleyMum too. Any form of acknowledgment would probably be appreciated by her.


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