# teen arrested - traffic violations - WWYD?



## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

this is a hard post. i don't know what to do. im torn.

here are the facts:

ds1 is 16 (day 9/25). he has no license. no permit. no drivers ed yet. he isn't able to do any of those things until he becomes more responsible. he hasnt become more responsible yet.

his father left his car in my driveway for a few months. came to visit last week (weve been divorced for 14 years), and left the key to the car IN THE CAR. (no, i didnt know).







:

i take Mc (ds1) to a friends house last night and they are going to a party but comign home later for a sleepover at my house. i go to a friends house for dinner. get home around 10pm. around 11:30pm a cop knocks on my door and tells me ive got to go pick up my son from the police dept. he's been arrested.

Mc had another friend bring a car to my house while i was gone. they jumped the car off (battery was dead), took the car to the gas station, then drove to the party. apparently followed too closely to someone who called the police on him. police found the car a bit later parked on the side of the road at the party. went to the house and asked who drove the car. my son at first gave the police a wrong date for his bday and then told them the truth.

*here are the charges:*

operating a vehicle without a license.
operating a vehicle without the owner's consent
reckless driving
submitted false report (he told them the wrong bday)

theres something else but the paper work is not in front of me.

wwyd?

*here are the options:*

try to remain calm. take away most of his privileges but continue to allow him to be with his gf, on the computer and phone but require him to come home from school directly every day and help around the house alot.

go balistic. take away everything.

i allowed him to go with his gf today b/c i have to figure out what to do.

im scared if i dont do enough, he wont learn a lesson.

im also scared if i react too harshly, he will feel as if he is in a corner and will run away, threaten suicide, get depressed, etc. (he's never done any of these things but thats what i would have done as a teenager if i felt backed into a corner).
*
also, wwyd re: the tickets. here are the options (ill try to do a poll):*

1. try to get the charges dropped. im an attorney and have a police officer friend who can try to talk to the cops who arrested him and the prosecutor. between teh 2 of us, we can prob. get this reduced or make it go away with some community service served by Mc.

2. let things fall as they may. the prob. here is that if i do that, he will enter his driving life with points against him. it will cause his ins. to double (prob.) and affect how much he has to work to pay for ins. which in turn will affect his school.

oh my....im so confused!


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

I say he wants to be a grownup, break the law like a grownup, then he has to face the concequences of breaking the law as a grownup. Which means, let things fall as they may. He needs to learn the real concequences of breaking the law.

On the homefront, if he has fines, he needs to get a job to pay for said fines. or, if they have to be paid immideiately you pay them, and then he gets a job to pay YOU back for the fines.
Parental imposed concequenses will really mean nothing.

YOU dont react. Let the law handle it, he broke the law, he needs to deal with it.

Too many parents bail their kids out of trouble with the law in hopes they'll learn a lesson. That's not how they learn. The natural concequence for breaking the law is dealing with the law's concequences...


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## Kaitnbugsmom (Dec 4, 2003)

You're a lawyer, right? So you know how things turn out when people only get a 'slap on the wrist'. It gets worse. Especially with teenagers. They begin to think of themselves as 'untouchable' or that nothing will come of their antics because mommy & daddy or whomever will always bail them out. That's no answer.

He should take the full legal consequences. He's 16, so he's well past old enough to know the consequences of his actions. Make him face them head on.

FTR: Just because he has to work doesn't automatically mean his schoolwork will suffer. I worked 40 + hours a week through most of high school and still graduated with high honors and multiple scholarship offers. And if the relationship with his girlfriend suffers, that tells you what kind of match she would have been for him anyways, doesn't it.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Don't interfere with the legal process. First of all, that's teaching your son that if you know the right people, the law doesn't apply to you (which is probably true, sadly - but still not the way I want my kids to be thinking!). I know it's anecdotal, but I know two people who were always doing things that were illegal when they were younger, and an adult in their life _always_ shielded them from the consequences...got them a hotshot lawyer that they couldn't have afforded, didn't press charges when the offense was against her, etc. To this day (one of them is 37, and the other is 43), neither one of them believes that any rules should apply to them. I don't know if the "shielding" they got is the reason for this belief, but I'm sure it contributed. Your son doesn't need the lesson that if he disregards the law (and other people's safety...he wasn't driving safely, or the police wouldn't have been called in the first place), his mom will make sure he doesn't get in trouble.

On the homefront, I'm honestly not sure exactly how I'd handle it. I would definitely expect him to come up with the money for any fines himself...and if that means his social time is eaten up with a job, well...that's what happens. I can't really advise you, because I don't know what your disciplinary pattern has been in the past.


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## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

I voted full consequences. If you try to avoid the consequences, and teach him a lesson on your own, the only lesson he will learn is, "cool, my mom bails me out when the heat comes down."


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## MidwifeErika (Jun 30, 2005)

When it comes to breaking the law.... especially with something like driving (could hurt or kill someone), I would go with the law. I think it is good to learn that there are some concequences that mom can't make go away, and if you break the law, then you have to deal with the courts.

I think it would be good for insurance to cost more and such and that he have to pay it in order to drive. As far as hours worked and that interfereing with school work... my parents had a rule about the number of hours I was allowed to work during the school year so that it wouldn't interfere. You could set a limit of hours and if he can't afford his insurance, then he can't drive.

If you just go with whatever punishment the law hands out, then I don't think he will feel backed into a corner. It isn't you against him, it is just him needing to face the consequences of his actions. Taking a car and driving it with no license and then driving poorly deserves some consequences. It would have been much worse had he caused an accident.

hugs to you both while you work all this out!


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## Panthira (Jun 13, 2005)

I wouldn't let the system get involved THIS TIME. This is basically his first offense, right? I would give him a break on this one re: the ticket and the courts, but I would come down so hard on him at home and remind him I bailed his butt out of so much trouble, he'll have to do the time at home. And tell him you are only doing this for him one time. A one time only deal. If something like this happens again, it would all be on him. Sometimes we make stupid mistakes as kids (and he IS still a kid) that we wouldn't do later in life, but if you bail him out on this one, he has to know you won't bail him out again.

That was a VERY stupid thing he did.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Panthira* 
Sometimes we make stupid mistakes as kids (and he IS still a kid) that we wouldn't do later in life, but if you bail him out on this one, he has to know you won't bail him out again.

IMO, there's no way she can ensure that he "knows" she won't bail him out again. No matter how much she talks, actions speak louder. What he's going to _know_ is that he took a car without permission, drove dangerously and without a license, got busted...and didn't end up in trouble at all.

Also, what do you mean about "not letting the system get involved"? The system _is_ involved. Someone reported him to the police. The OP thinks she can _probably_ "make it go away", but there's no way she can keep the system from getting involved. Depending on the cops in question, her ds1 might even end up "marked" if they don't want to drop it and the prosecutor does. IME, cops don't tend to like it when some kid gets let off the hook because of his parent's friends. He could end up being busted every time he does something even slightly "off".


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

I think you should try to pursue all legal means to get him off the hook. I would be too scared that he could have a permanent record for this mistake that is out of proportion to both his intentions and his actions.

I also think you should involve him in that process. Explain to him what he's done wrong (the laws that he's broken, that is) and why you wouldn't like this on his permanent record. Then explain all the steps you have to take to smooth things out for him, as you do it. Let him know if any of them make you ethically uncomfortable. Let him in on the whole entire process.

Discuss with him how he thinks he should make up his actions. Does he understand what was wrong with what he did? If he were you, how would he handle it?

If he can't take it seriously and only tries to defend himself, then just ground him and supervise him closely, and deduct the amount of the legal fees from his college money. Also, don't plan to let him get his license on time.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I wouldn't bail him out legally. I'm not sure if I'd do further consequences at home and at school as well- it really depends on his reaction to facing legal consequences, and whether he gets a "slap on the wrist" or something worse from the judge.

Remember, it's not going to cost you (or him) a penny in insurance costs if you don't let him drive.


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## fierymyst (May 27, 2006)

I didn't vote in the poll because I think this depends on how your son is acting about what he did. Does he show remorse, did he apologize or is he blowing it off like its no big deal.

Even if you are still thinking about it I would say he doesn't go out with the gf, or anywhere. He is home bound until you decide.

I would talk to your son about this and ask him your poll questions about what to do. Sometimes kids surprise you and pick the harsher punishments. Get his opinion but let him know that it will be you who makes the final decision. Also express to him your feelings of disappointment and how this has made you feel.

I think an excellent punishment would be that he not get his license until he is 18. Then there are no concerns about insurance, or his record for now.

He definitely should get a part time job to pay for his fines, that is his responsibility. Also tho, his father needs to get his car out of your driveway (of course I don't know the whole story on that so maybe its not an option) but he also needs to take responsibility for leaving the key in the car. It is partially his fault. Never provide a teen with temptation, teen rule number #32.









Anyway, that is my two cents....

I wish you luck!


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
IMO, there's no way she can ensure that he "knows" she won't bail him out again. No matter how much she talks, actions speak louder. What he's going to _know_ is that he took a car without permission, drove dangerously and without a license, got busted...and didn't end up in trouble at all.

Also, what do you mean about "not letting the system get involved"? The system _is_ involved. Someone reported him to the police. The OP thinks she can _probably_ "make it go away", but there's no way she can keep the system from getting involved. Depending on the cops in question, her ds1 might even end up "marked" if they don't want to drop it and the prosecutor does. IME, cops don't tend to like it when some kid gets let off the hook because of his parent's friends. He could end up being busted every time he does something even slightly "off".









:

I'm with StormBride on this. I've seen one too many people get off the hook due to parental influence (the Bio-Idiot of my DD for one) And they have NO respect for the due process of the law, none, they dont care, they flaunt that they can break it and keep getting away with it like it's nothing because they KNOW Mommy n daddy will bail them out.

Don't create a monster. Let him take the full brunt of it the first time and let him learn his lesson.

You DONT want your son to be the type to just saunter into the court room with a sh*t eating grin on his face like the whole thing's a cake walk on his 50th charge....

Stay out of it. If fines need to be paid ASAP, pay them on his behalf and make him pay you back. If they can be delayed and/or put on a payment plan, make him pay them himself.

DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT...Just picture all the delinquents you see on a daily basis strut through court, with no respect for the law, Picture those people, and then, picture your son as one of them to steel your resolve.


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

he isnt getting his license on time. thats already established.

he isnt defending himself. he knows what he did was wrong.

im still torn.

on the one hand, i dont want this to be on his permanent record. if he gets stopped for a drivign offense later (when hes legitimate) this record could be the basis for increased fees, etc. There are other ramifications of tickets like this that I really dont want on his record.

i am involving him in the process. his basketball coaches, school counselor, police officers, etc. are going to be involved with this.

what he did was sooo stupid. what he did was illegal. but part of me blames his father for leaving a car in the driveway with keys in it. with a 16 yo kid in the house. how stupid is that? yes, the kid made plans to do this...came back to the house when i wasnt here, etc. but it was a huge temptation. I would never leave keys in a car with a teenager in the house and expect all to be fine.

my son and i have been having problems with his irresponsibility lately. he has had a horrible attitude. he has been very lazy, not coming home when he's supposed to, etc. so im really torn..this may be the opportunity for him to be "forced" to spend more time with me in exchange for me dealing with the authorities on his behalf. on the other hand, i do NOT want him to think i am going to fix all his problems for him.


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## fierymyst (May 27, 2006)

I am glad that he realizes it was stupid and he knows it was wrong, that is a good step, so many teens these days think its no big deal.

I am on the line about the decision to get out of the tickets, I understand both sides of it. I would prob get him off though if I could because I wouldn't want that on his record either. I also would still make him pay me for what the fines would have cost (put in acct for college) and delay getting his license for quite a while. He would also be on strict restrictions for quite a while and on probation with me. On time not coming home on time would get the strictest grounding. He needs to learn to respect you and your rules. It is your house, you are his parent and you are supporting him. I think getting the teachers and coaches involved would be great, hearing it from someone else may help.

((((((hugs)))))))


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## Twocoolboys (Mar 10, 2006)

I would not recommend fixing it for him. First, traffic violations do not stay on your record for ever. In my state, they are on for 5 years, but I am sure it depends on where you live. So, it's not like he would be dealing with this when he was 80, or even 30. I think having that shadow of points on a license hanging over his head might keep him from doing something like this in the future. I know there have been times when my dh has had a lot of points on his license and that keeps him in check with the gas pedal.

Second, I think fixing it kind of sends the message that he can do it again. I'm not sure that makes sense, but to me, it seems like you are kind of giving him a freebie, you know? And, I agree with who ever said "actions speak louder than words". You may say that you won't do it again, but what is he really going to think and internalize?

Also, he is rapidly approaching adulthood. I think this is THE time to make him start handling his mistakes like an adult, that means taking responsibility. If he has to borrow money from you to pay the fines and work to pay you back, you can always, down the road decide that he has paid enough (even if he hasn't paid it all back). That way, you can make that contingent on not having anymore offenses. You can even tell him that if he makes a good effort for a year to pay you back and keeps his record clean, you will consider it settled after that.

I just see this happen so much where the parent fixes it (whatever "it" is) for a teen and the teen just does not learn anything. Or, they do learn something, just not what the parent expects them to.

And, the other thing that jumped out at me was you saying that it is your ex-dh's fault for leaving the keys in the car. Yeah, that was stupid, but I would not tell your ds that. That makes a perfect excuse for him and sends the message that you don't think he can control himself. I would make it clear to him that it is his actions, and his only, that got himself in this mess, even if you secretly think otherwise.


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## Threefold (Nov 27, 2001)

I would lean towards trying to get the fine/charges reduced and deal with discipline at home and via community service or perhaps being on probation. From the looks of it he was not DUI or speeding, heck adults follow me too closely all of the time, and not a thing comes of it, so his big mistake was in taking the car without permission. Since this is his first big screw up, I think it's okay to let him know that you will helps him and protect him, but that there are limits, that you expect him to learn from this mistake and that you will not be bailing him out the same way if it happens again. We all deserve a second chance, especially when we are teens and our brains think so differently, imho. And sometimes having the book thrown at you for a first offense is much more of a scar than a lesson well learned, kwim? That said, I would have serious consequences at home, such as loss of privelages and a longer wait to prove readiness for the liscense.







to you, such stress. I don't look forward to my dc's teens years.


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## Shoremom (Oct 1, 2006)

We went through similar problems when my younger son was that age and my husband and I were totally freaked out. We did not handle it well and it breaks my heart that I cannot go back in time and just hold that boy and tell him I love him over and over, despite the fact he acted like a brat.









While he must face the consequences, just make sure he knows that you still love him and always will, no matter what.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aisraeltax* 
but part of me blames his father for leaving a car in the driveway with keys in it. with a 16 yo kid in the house. how stupid is that? yes, the kid made plans to do this...came back to the house when i wasnt here, etc. but it was a huge temptation. I would never leave keys in a car with a teenager in the house and expect all to be fine.

You said the battery was dead. That wasn't the kind of temptation people generally mean when they talk about a car being left with keys in the ignition. He had to have a friend come over to jump start the car - doing that with a car that you know you're not supposed to take isn't a whole lot different than hot-wiring a car that you're not supposed to have, imo. What if the car had been left with a full tank of gas and a live battery, but not keys? That's just as tempting if someone wants to take the car (I had a friend who did this with his parent's car all the time...they didn't leave the keys in it, but he was tempted by the car, nonetheless).

I wouldn't think that a car with keys in the ignition and a dead battery was all that tempting, personally. I certainly wouldn't expect problems because of it.


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## Mackenzie (Sep 26, 2004)

Is getting the tickets dropped a common thing? Is it something that every parent would be able to do for their kids or is it only because of who you are and who you know. Because in all honesty, the latter would peeve me. I know people use "connections" all the time, and I think that practice contributes to our society's state of affairs A LOT!

cough cough.....halliburton.....coung cough


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pandora114* 







:

I'm with StormBride on this. I've seen one too many people get off the hook due to parental influence (the Bio-Idiot of my DD for one) And they have NO respect for the due process of the law, none, they dont care, they flaunt that they can break it and keep getting away with it like it's nothing because they KNOW Mommy n daddy will bail them out.

Don't create a monster. Let him take the full brunt of it the first time and let him learn his lesson.

You DONT want your son to be the type to just saunter into the court room with a sh*t eating grin on his face like the whole thing's a cake walk on his 50th charge....

Stay out of it. If fines need to be paid ASAP, pay them on his behalf and make him pay you back. If they can be delayed and/or put on a payment plan, make him pay them himself.

DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT...Just picture all the delinquents you see on a daily basis strut through court, with no respect for the law, Picture those people, and then, picture your son as one of them to steel your resolve.









:


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## Bartock (Feb 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pandora114* 
I say he wants to be a grownup, break the law like a grownup, then he has to face the concequences of breaking the law as a grownup. Which means, let things fall as they may. He needs to learn the real concequences of breaking the law.

On the homefront, if he has fines, he needs to get a job to pay for said fines. or, if they have to be paid immideiately you pay them, and then he gets a job to pay YOU back for the fines.
Parental imposed concequenses will really mean nothing.

YOU dont react. Let the law handle it, he broke the law, he needs to deal with it.

Too many parents bail their kids out of trouble with the law in hopes they'll learn a lesson. That's not how they learn. The natural concequence for breaking the law is dealing with the law's concequences...

Thanks pandora my thoughts exactly


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## MsElle07 (Jul 14, 2006)

It isn't fair to bail him out of the full consequences of his actions. You said you're concerned about his lack of responsibility. Will fixing this for him make him MORE responsible? It's doubtful. Home consequences are ALWAYS less scary than having to appear before a judge. He needs to see that his actions have serious ramifications. He made a calculated decision to take a car, drive it, and lie about it. As a mom, I can totally understand the desire to protect your son from harm. TOTALLY. But this is a situation in which protecting him will not help him in the long run.

It will not go on his permanent record -- he is a juvenile. Even adults have their records cleared 5-7 years after an offense. Having to pay more for insurance when he gets his license is part of accepting responsibility for what he did.

It's also not fair from a societal point of view. It degrades the legal system when some people use connections to get out of things just because they can while others have to bear the full weight of their actions.


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## andisunshine (May 2, 2006)

I'm going to vote for letting him feel the heat. I would also take away all privileges as the OP has already stated that he's been disrespectful, not coming home on time, etc. This offense has been building up for a while, and the car incident just puts the icing on the cake. If it were me he wouldn't have a cell phone, a computer or time with his GF. The OP has already kind of given him the idea that things aren't so bad by letting him hang with GF while mom hedges about what to do. He won't have points on his record forever, he'll learn that he's done something serious (I know that he says he did something wrong but he is a teenager and might be giving lip service,) and he has to be held responsible for his actions. Men his age have fathered children and worked full time jobs. It won't be too long before he will be on his own and mom needs to let him learn how to be a man. That is the best way to show him love since it is a lesson that will help him for the rest of his life and will keep him out of trouble. If mom bails him out he will learn none of this and only that he doesn't need to respect her rules.

Andi


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Assuming that this is a freak incident and he isn't displaying a bunch of other unacceptable behavior I wouldn't take anything away from him, but I'd make him face the consequences of his actions in court, although I'd definately go along as his parent and not let him get taken advantage of.


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

I know you're a lawyer and to save money you'd like to handle the situation yourself, but how about making him hire a lawyer instead? He may be able to keep the offenses off his record with the help of a lawyer, but it's not going to be cheap, and he will have to work for a long time to cover the legal fees for his little joyride. That way you can kind of stand on the sidelines rather than being in the forefront of "getting him off the hook."

I'm 29 and have no lawyers in my family. If I stole a car and got caught, I would have to hire a lawyer to defend me in court. Because it's a first offense, I would probably get fines or probation or what-have-you, but it would be expensive, and time consuming, and I'd damn well sure think twice before ever doing something like that again.

Think about the ways this addresses the problem. He would be:
1. Handling it like an adult would (hiring and paying for a lawyer)
2. Participating in the legal process for his offenses
3. Chafing under the financial strain of paying for his offenses
4. Facing time constraints of the court process and extra work hours
5. Facing being unable to drive because of increased insurance costs
6. Chafing under being unable to receive a license for another couple of years

Meanwhile, you could be standing in the background supporting him through the process rather than running the show. Then he will know that if he screws up in the future that he will have to take the responsibility to fix it, and that his parents won't just sweep it under the rug for him.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Not sure where you live but in my state once you had competed probation and all other penalties involved in the case it was pretty easy to get yoru record sealed or expunged as a first offense as a minor. Check into that, it might ease your mind some.


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## Jmo780 (May 3, 2006)

I think this is one of those situations that it is hard to say *what* you'd honestly do until you were in that exact position kwim?

But my gut would be to take everything away-Make him work to pay the tickets etc...Dont freak out enough to where he'd want to run away or something, but explain it calmly.

I agree with the first poster-He wants to act like a grown up, let him be responsible like a grown up!!

I assume he didnt have insurance either. (Even if so, he was putting others lives at risk!!)

I will tell you this. I have seen it first hand.

*IF YOU BAIL HIM OUT OF THIS AND HAVE HIS TICKETS DROPPED, OR LESSENED, YOU ARE DOING HIM NOOOOO FAVOR! YOU ARE SHOWING HIM THAT IT IS OKAY TO MESS UP-MOM WILL GET HIM OUT OF IT! HE WILL NEVER LEARN!*


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## rozzie'sma (Jul 6, 2005)

He had a friend jump the start the car, snuck out, and broke several laws and then LIED about it. I know this seems very harsh, but he needs to deal with what he did wrong. Shouldering the burden, blaming anybody other than him, is just hurting him. You are not doing him any favors. I know this is your child, I know you don't want him to suffer consequences for years, but he could have killed someone. He does not know how to operate a vehicle. I grew up with a kid whose parents pulled strings to get him off easy all the time. Said they could deal with it. He is dead now. He overdosed on heroin a few months ago and you know what his mom said at the funeral, "I just I thought I was helping. I didn't want him to get in any more trouble and close doors for himself." Not the same, but if he is doing this what else is going on. I doubt nothing. He needs some serious help. I am only 23, I vividly remember 16 and although I was still part child, I knew enough to know that stealing a car was wrong.


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Twocoolboys* 
And, the other thing that jumped out at me was you saying that it is your ex-dh's fault for leaving the keys in the car. Yeah, that was stupid, but I would not tell your ds that. That makes a perfect excuse for him and sends the message that you don't think he can control himself. I would make it clear to him that it is his actions, and his only, that got himself in this mess, even if you secretly think otherwise.

i dont intend to say that to him. those are just my thoughts.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_dalai_mama* 
I would lean towards trying to get the fine/charges reduced and deal with discipline at home and via community service or perhaps being on probation. From the looks of it he was not DUI or speeding, heck adults follow me too closely all of the time, and not a thing comes of it, so his big mistake was in taking the car without permission. Since this is his first big screw up, I think it's okay to let him know that you will helps him and protect him, but that there are limits, that you expect him to learn from this mistake and that you will not be bailing him out the same way if it happens again. We all deserve a second chance, especially when we are teens and our brains think so differently, imho. And sometimes having the book thrown at you for a first offense is much more of a scar than a lesson well learned, kwim? That said, I would have serious consequences at home, such as loss of privelages and a longer wait to prove readiness for the liscense.







to you, such stress. I don't look forward to my dc's teens years.

thanks. im leaning this way.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shoremom* 
We went through similar problems when my younger son was that age and my husband and I were totally freaked out. We did not handle it well and it breaks my heart that I cannot go back in time and just hold that boy and tell him I love him over and over, despite the fact he acted like a brat.









While he must face the consequences, just make sure he knows that you still love him and always will, no matter what.

will do. if you would be willing to share your experience, please pm me.







s

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mackenzie* 
Is getting the tickets dropped a common thing? Is it something that every parent would be able to do for their kids or is it only because of who you are and who you know. Because in all honesty, the latter would peeve me. I know people use "connections" all the time, and I think that practice contributes to our society's state of affairs A LOT! cough cough.....halliburton.....coung cough

im not attempting to do anything unethical at all. I am simply 'considering' doing what any other parent who hires an attorney would be capable of doing. i am not happy with his behavior but i don't know if im willing to "throw the book at him" right now. my gut reaction was to do that but i just don't know what the best course of action is for us (him, me, the family).

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MsElle07* 
It's also not fair from a societal point of view. It degrades the legal system when some people use connections to get out of things just because they can while others have to bear the full weight of their actions.

im not attempting to do anything that someone else couldn't do. any time you get a ticket, there is a court hearing available and you can plead your case. The fact is that most ppl don't do that. My quandry right now is that I don't know if I should do for him what I would otherwise do for myself or if I should just let him take the FULL blow of this. Chances are, the full blow will ulimately only be a ton of fines and some probation.

I am a SAHM right now and borrowing $$ from me is not going to be an option for him right now. He is going to have to work off anything that comes from this. I don't allow him to work during the school year and have been making exceptions for weekends but I really don't know if having him work to pay fines to the court is going to teach him a lesson.

im still on the fence. I don't know what to do. His father is NO help whatsoever with this. I am going at this alone right now and just don't know what the "right" course of action is.

Im not trying to do anything shady or have anything done that can't be done with others. I am simply trying to act in a manner that shows my son I love him, that I am here for him, BUT that what he has done is wrong.

You just have no idea (well, most of you don't, thankfully) what its like to get out of bed at 11:30 and have to drag your 9 month old baby (today) down to the police dept. It sucked big time!!!


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aisraeltax* 

Im not trying to do anything shady or have anything done that can't be done with others. I am simply trying to act in a manner that shows my son I love him, that I am here for him, BUT that what he has done is wrong.

You just have no idea (well, most of you don't, thankfully) what its like to get out of bed at 11:30 and have to drag your 9 month old baby (today) down to the police dept. It sucked big time!!!

No, you're doing everything aboveboard. I have plead down traffic tickets for a reduced fine and for it to stay off my driving record many times. Everyone has the right to do this.

I am so sorry you had to get up with your baby. How awful







.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aisraeltax* 
im not attempting to do anything unethical at all. I am simply 'considering' doing what any other parent who hires an attorney would be capable of doing. i am not happy with his behavior but i don't know if im willing to "throw the book at him" right now. my gut reaction was to do that but i just don't know what the best course of action is for us (him, me, the family).

I thought you said you were going to talk to a friend of yours who is a police officer about talking to the cops in question, and the prosecutor. Do you really believe that going through a friend who is a police officer is something "any other parent" would be doing?

For what it's worth, I wouldn't hire an attorney for my son in this situation, either. If he chooses to ignore the fact that he's breaking the law, and he can't afford an attorney for himself, then I guess he's just going to have to cope with the legal system without one. If ds1 pulls a stunt like that, he'll get my support - that means,I'll go to court with him, and he'll know that I love him completely. But, I can't think of any reason why I'd even consider bailing him out. As much as I love ds1, I can't think of any reason why he should have the right to disregard the law and endanger people's lives.

I have to ask you, and those posters who support the "get him off" side of the argument - why would you do that? I'm really not getting it.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aisraeltax* 
im not attempting to do anything that someone else couldn't do. any time you get a ticket, there is a court hearing available and you can plead your case. The fact is that most ppl don't do that. My quandry right now is that I don't know if I should do for him what I would otherwise do for myself or if I should just let him take the FULL blow of this. Chances are, the full blow will ulimately only be a ton of fines and some probation.

Can't your son make a plea for himself?

I'm confused. What is it that you want to do for him? The way your first post was worded definitely sounded like you want to use your connections to get your son off the hook. What you're saying now sounds different.


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## aguacates (Sep 17, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisac77* 
I know you're a lawyer and to save money you'd like to handle the situation yourself, but how about making him hire a lawyer instead? He may be able to keep the offenses off his record with the help of a lawyer, but it's not going to be cheap, and he will have to work for a long time to cover the legal fees for his little joyride. That way you can kind of stand on the sidelines rather than being in the forefront of "getting him off the hook."

I'm 29 and have no lawyers in my family. If I stole a car and got caught, I would have to hire a lawyer to defend me in court. Because it's a first offense, I would probably get fines or probation or what-have-you, but it would be expensive, and time consuming, and I'd damn well sure think twice before ever doing something like that again.

Think about the ways this addresses the problem. He would be:
1. Handling it like an adult would (hiring and paying for a lawyer)
2. Participating in the legal process for his offenses
3. Chafing under the financial strain of paying for his offenses
4. Facing time constraints of the court process and extra work hours
5. Facing being unable to drive because of increased insurance costs
6. Chafing under being unable to receive a license for another couple of years

Meanwhile, you could be standing in the background supporting him through the process rather than running the show. Then he will know that if he screws up in the future that he will have to take the responsibility to fix it, and that his parents won't just sweep it under the rug for him.

I thought that this was a good suggestion. FWIW, I had legal trouble as a 17yr old, and I had to pay fines and do a lot of community service. Mopping the display rooms at the fairgrounds after an animal exhibit was definitely somewhat of motivation not to get in trouble again. My dad came to court with me and supported me, but I did pay all my fines by myself and did all my community service. When I was done, my dad told me how proud he was that I had taken care of everything, gotten it all cleared up, and that I was really mature to do so. That made me feel really good, despite the icky circumstances of my "crimes". The girl that I was arrested with managed to skip out on doing her community service, and has not managed to stay out of trouble. I also didn't really have many consequences at home because I had already graduated from high school and they realized that they couldn't really "control" me, but I wasn't allowed to use their car anymore, and I knew that they were really disappointed. I haven't been in any sort of trouble since, and that was over 10 years ago. HTH. Feel free to pm me if you have any more questions about being in the legal system as a juvenile. Also, there is nothing on my record now.


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Can't your son make a plea for himself?

I'm confused. What is it that you want to do for him? The way your first post was worded definitely sounded like you want to use your connections to get your son off the hook. What you're saying now sounds different.

im not saying anything different. right now i dont know what to do for him (as in i dont know how involved i want to be).

i can allow him to go plead for himself and take the full consequences, or i can intervene as his mom and attorney and do what any attorney would do under those circumstances (he's never been in trouble before...he is a first time offender..dont want to set him up for a life of crime, etc. etc....those types of arguments.

I am not a criminal attorney so the mention of the police officer is basically to assist with who to talk to, etc. We wouldn't be going in blind.

I was in traffic court about a week ago (have a thread on the bf'ing forums about that...guess this traffic stuff runs in the family - not really..just trying to inject some humor here). anyway, i saw a girl (teenager) all by herself, standing in front of the judge, pleading guilty to a drinking offense that had nothing to do with an automobile. she plead guily and accepted a 6 month suspension of her license. i wanted to go up to her so badly and tell her to stop doing what she was doing. That guilty plea may come back to bite that girl when she is 23 or 24 (or later) and in a custody battle. i can just see a STBX saying she's a drunk..even if the girl gets her crap together tomorrow and doesnt drink another day..the offense is on her record.

I just dont want my son to go through that. But i also feel a strong commitment to making sure he learn valuable lessons from this.

I will not enter any plea for him without substantial community service being a part of the punishment. Im not contemplating him running free and clear of this.

this is really a hard decision.


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

the poll allows for more than one option to be chosen.

im surprised at how few have voted for getting other role models involved.


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

you're an intelligent woman who knows the system. i'd use all of your knowledge and capabilities in the ethical way that i KNOW you'd use them to do what you can for your son. and i'd keep him involved in the process. and i'd remove all chances of him getting his license for at LEAST a year. and i'd have a serious talk with him AND the friend who was involved. and i'd make him pay for whatever fines may result. and i'd suggest he buy a bike so he can get around to whatever job he needs to pay for everything.

i wouldn't involve his girlfriend/computer/phone in this at all, as they aren't really relevant to the crime in question. and i'd also (like someone else mentioned) remind your beautiful son of how much you love him, of how you KNOW if he could turn back time he'd never have jumped the car, and that you have faith in him and know he is maturing every day.

but i say again, NOT using the law that you know well to your advantage makes no sense to me. sure, not everybody's parents would know what to do. but he shouldn't be punished because of what other parents don't know. his parent does know.

at the end of the day, this is a question that you have to ask your own heart. and once you decide, don't let anyone else's comments into your head (including mine). because it's your choice as his parent.









(((HUG)))


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

*


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## super kitty (Nov 26, 2003)

*


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

yup GTA is a felony. And that's technically what he did. Father's car or not, he committed Grand Theft Auto. He's LUCKY he got what few charges he got. his Father could very well turn around and add to that with Grand Theft Auto.


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## MsElle07 (Jul 14, 2006)

Quote:

im not attempting to do anything that someone else couldn't do. any time you get a ticket, there is a court hearing available and you can plead your case. The fact is that most ppl don't do that. My quandry right now is that I don't know if I should do for him what I would otherwise do for myself or if I should just let him take the FULL blow of this. Chances are, the full blow will ulimately only be a ton of fines and some probation.
This is what you said that made me believe that you were using your connections rather than pleading your case in front of a judge just like any other citizen:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aisraeltax* 
1. try to get the charges dropped. im an attorney and have a police officer friend who can try to talk to the cops who arrested him and the prosecutor. between teh 2 of us, we can prob. get this reduced or make it go away with some community service served by Mc.


So I'm confused: is it using connections, like stated above, or is it going before a judge at his court date and asking for leniency, like anyone else has the right to do?


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

I'd let him take his chances with the courts. I never met anyone who learned to be responsible because they knew someone who could 'fix' things for them.

I'd set guidelines! No permit for an extra 2 months (2 omnths is a lifetime to a teen), make him earn money to pay all tickets, increased ins, etc. THat's all. I wouldn't make him miss time with his GF, or ground him or make him do chores. THe system WILL punish him, missing out on his permit for 2 months willl make him crazy.

Do NOT put your thoughts into his head. The things you would have done as a teen are not apt to be the same things he'd do. You can't NOT punish a child because they might run away or threaten suicide!


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

i do appreciate all the responses here. they are helping me "find my way" in figuring how to deal with this situation. even if i don't agree with some of the responses, i did ask, and the ones that i disagree with are helpful also. so thanks to all you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pandora114* 
yup GTA is a felony. And that's technically what he did. Father's car or not, he committed Grand Theft Auto. He's LUCKY he got what few charges he got. his Father could very well turn around and add to that with Grand Theft Auto.


This was not Grand Theft Auto. As with other thefts, the prosecutor must prove that the alleged thief intended to deprive the owner of his or her property permanently. Taking a motor vehicle without consent and then abandoning it (or intending to abandon it) is known as joyriding.

My son took his father's car that was in our driveway. I know i didnt say this before (b/c i didnt think it was relevant) but his father was planning on giving the car to my son; however, that hadnt happened yet. My son did not intend to deprive anyone of their property permanently. i do admit that could have easily happened if he had an accident, etc. But that was not the intent. I don't want to argue the elements of the crime; however b/c it distracts from the issue at hand; however, what my son did was WRONG to the nth degree.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MsElle07* 
This is what you said that made me believe that you were using your connections rather than pleading your case in front of a judge just like any other citizen: So I'm confused: is it using connections, like stated above, or is it going before a judge at his court date and asking for leniency, like anyone else has the right to do?

As I stated, I am not a criminal attorney (my user name is a hint! lol!). If I didn't know a police officer or other attorney assist me in navigating these waters, i would find someone. I think most parents would do the same IF they chose to assist their son/daughter (which is what i am considering...just haven't made my mind up yet).

these things dont' ever get worked out the day of court (not if you are wanting to plead a case...they are done beforehand...although the judges have discretion to accept/deny a plea).

lets please not have this thread turn into whether or not im going to act ethically. Im an officer of the court and am bound by certain ethical standards, which i consider to be serious and binding. so nothing i do for my son will be done unethically. that is a given. I apologize if i implied any different.

thanks again to all who are responding to this thread. im learning alot about myself doing this.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisac77* 
I'm 29 and have no lawyers in my family. If I stole a car and got caught, I would have to hire a lawyer to defend me in court. Because it's a first offense, I would probably get fines or probation or what-have-you, but it would be expensive, and time consuming, and I'd damn well sure think twice before ever doing something like that again.

Think about the ways this addresses the problem. He would be:
1. Handling it like an adult would (hiring and paying for a lawyer)
2. Participating in the legal process for his offenses
3. Chafing under the financial strain of paying for his offenses
4. Facing time constraints of the court process and extra work hours
5. Facing being unable to drive because of increased insurance costs
6. Chafing under being unable to receive a license for another couple of years

Meanwhile, you could be standing in the background supporting him through the process rather than running the show. Then he will know that if he screws up in the future that he will have to take the responsibility to fix it, and that his parents won't just sweep it under the rug for him.


This pretty much sums up how I'd handle it. I love the idea of him hiring a lawyer or borrowing the money for one. Chances the charges will be able to be reduced or dropped since it is a first offense... unless he draws a tough judge. Having had a couple of students I work with in similar situation, things that made a difference included letters from teachers, coaches or the like, showing remorse, being respectful in court, having people that support you there and saying you learned from and understand the lesson. I would not leave my child to handle the situation without my support nor make them feel that they had to do it alone. We all make mistakes and have the capabilty to learn from them. I also would let the consequences be dealt with by the courts and not clamp down at home unless it had to do with a direct consequence from the court- ei home arrest.


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## Panthira (Jun 13, 2005)

When I said "the system" I meant exactly what the OP said by not allowing the system to take advantage of him. It depends on the judge too, how the sentence will be handed down.

I would rather have some control in how the punishment comes down, and believe me, my DD would feel my WRATH if she ever even thought of taking a car out for a joyride. I wasn't implying her kid should "get away" with anything. I asked my DD what would happen if she did this (and I should add she wouldn't do this, perhaps because I'm always there and know what she is doing at ALL moments of the day. We even homeschool, though mostly because the ED system here sucks. I don't believe the OP has this option.), and she started laughing and siad she wouldn't be able to do ANYTHING or go anywhere for a year. She's right. She'd probably get off easier if the courts handled it then if I did. Except. The record is always there. Even if it's claimed to wiped clean. And the insurance cost in the future (at least here in CA) would be insane. And the court doesn't know her, or really care about her.
You know your son, and like IncaMama said, you'll know what to do in your heart.
I guess I didn't choose mentors because they are so few and far between here that it's not really an option here so I can't see it as being affective for us, but if they would be there, then that's awesome.

Who are these kids he's hanging out with and possibly influencing him? Not that he didn't make this decision and choice...


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## SamuraiEarthMama (Dec 3, 2002)

hugs, mama. this must be so hard!

i just wanted to quickly respond to a statement i saw back on page 1 of this thread... that you partially blamed the father for leaving the keys in the car.

that's really not the issue. i leave the keys in my car all the time. my parents left their keys in their cars all the time when i was a kid. neither of my older kids (16 and 18), nor i have ever touched a car without full consent and knowledge of the owner. it was unthinkable.

this almost sounds like a "she was wearing sexy clothes; she must've been asking for it" argument. no still means no. and stealing a car with keys (and no license, insurance or permission) is still stealing a car (with no license, insurance or permission).

would it help to think how you'd feel if it was the friend who had taken the car? would you still feel that it was in the kid's best interest to shield him from the ramifications of his decisions?

i voted to let the kid take the consequences of his actions. part of those consequences will probably be loss of trust at home (ie, you're not going to ever leave keys in cars, or doors unlocked, or whatever), no more late-night parties without you dropping off and picking up, that sort of thing. there are going to be a lot of effects from this decision, and i don't think he should be protected from them.

but you know your kid and your situation best... you are the one walking this path.

good luck, mama, and let us know what happens...

katje


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## Sagesgirl (Nov 22, 2001)

I cannot for the life of me see one single benefit to not having him stand up and take responsibility for his actions. And anything other than letting him take the consequences on his own (lisac77 summed up the benefits of that perfectly) would be letting him not take responsibility. He's sixteen. He's going to be an adult in two years. That's a short time span to magically become responsible if you let him duck responsibility now.


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SamuraiEarthMama* 
i just wanted to quickly respond to a statement i saw back on page 1 of this thread... that you partially blamed the father for leaving the keys in the car.

that's really not the issue.

this almost sounds like a "she was wearing sexy clothes; she must've been asking for it" argument. no still means no. and stealing a car with keys (and no license, insurance or permission) is still stealing a car (with no license, insurance or permission).
u are the one walking this path.


no...thats not the issue. and i already stated that i would NEVER say anything like that to him but *I* thought it was stupid of his father to do. thats the bottom line.

he shouldnt have taken the car. that isnt the issue. im NOT defending him. and im trying really hard not to get defensive on his behalf here. but he is nowhere near a rapist or grand thief. hes a 16 yo that screwed up royally by driving a car without a license. worse things could have happened. but they didnt. his life is going to be tough in the near future. he is going to pay for this one way or the other.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sagesgirl* 
I cannot for the life of me see one single benefit to not having him stand up and take responsibility for his actions.

there were a few ppl here who posted the benefits. my r/s with him, the ability to get a second chance in life, a few other benefits that i cant remember off the top of my head. but there are benefits.

maybe i shouldnt have posted that im an attorney. it seems some here don't believe that shoudl be a benefit to my son. believe me, he has paid for that benefit. i went to law school when he was 3. i was studying late into the night for 4 1/2 years (lawschool then a masters in law). we had a very regimented schedule so that i could do things with him and study. he stayed with his dad for 2-3 weeks every semester so i could study for finals. when i graduated, my first job i worked 100+ hours. this kid has paid in time with me for the benfit of me being an attorney. but thats not the issue. the issue is how much i should do for him (legally and ethically) regarding the stupid idiotic thing he did.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Well, you've said much about your son in these posts.

You have said you have been having behavior problems with him before this incident and now he has actually broken a law.

What you will be doing, if you let this slide and not letting things take their natural progression, is setting your son up for more failure. There is a pattern forming here and you cannot turn a blind eye to it. You would be doing your son a great disservice.

Please don't make excuses for your son.


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
Well, you've said much about your son in these posts.

You have said you have been having behavior problems with him before this incident and now he has actually broken a law.

What you will be doing, if you let this slide and not letting things take their natural progression, is setting your son up for more failure. There is a pattern forming here and you cannot turn a blind eye to it. You would be doing your son a great disservice.

Please don't make excuses for your son.


i agree with everything you have said here. except where you said im making excuses. i dont see that part.


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aisraeltax* 
there were a few ppl here who posted the benefits. my r/s with him, the ability to get a second chance in life, a few other benefits that i cant remember off the top of my head. but there are benefits.

maybe i shouldnt have posted that im an attorney. it seems some here don't believe that shoudl be a benefit to my son. believe me, he has paid for that benefit. i went to law school when he was 3. i was studying late into the night for 4 1/2 years (lawschool then a masters in law). we had a very regimented schedule so that i could do things with him and study. he stayed with his dad for 2-3 weeks every semester so i could study for finals. when i graduated, my first job i worked 100+ hours. this kid has paid in time with me for the benfit of me being an attorney. but thats not the issue. the issue is how much i should do for him (legally and ethically) regarding the stupid idiotic thing he did.

If the end result of the process was something like jail time, I would probably suggest that you become more agressively involved in the process. However, the worst that is likely to happen is something along the lines of fines and probation, or possibly community service. That will be a learning experience for him. I guess I just don't see the value in a "second chance" for this type of thing.

Honestly, I don't think he "paid" in any way for you getting your law degree. Lots of parents are in school, lots of parents work, it doesn't mean that you owe your children anything in the long run. I think the message he will take away from you intervening _as a lawyer_ is, "Well, my mom's a lawyer and she owes me so I don't have to worry about the consequences of my actions." I know I've seen people with this attitude before, and it stinks.

Obviously you know your son and you know what he is like, so you will make the best decision for him. This is just my point of view.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

But you are defending him and his actions. You're doing so by wanting to lessen the consequences. This will not take his "chance" at life away. Good greif. What it will do is sow him that he is old enough to take respnsibilities for his actions and that all people must face the consequences of negative behavior. I'm betting he will thank you for letting him go through the motions of this act. It will teach him responsibility for his actions.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

I also want to say, that no matter what WE have to say, or how harsh we seem, I think we all realise what an extremely difficult time this must be fore you. This is afterall, your CHILD. You want only the best for him and seeing a young boy going through something that should be reserved for adults must be stressful and saddening. I don't want you to think that I have forgotten that, lawayer or not, you are a mother trying to sort out the best way to handle a tough situation.

(((HUGS))) to you mama.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I haven't read the whole thread, but this is what came to my mind.

When we grow up & make adult decisions, there is adult consequences to every decision we make. If we are old enough to make those choces, we have to face the outcome of those decisions. The good with the bad. Sadly your son is facing the bad, way before you ever expected him too. As a mother you want to protect him so much, that is a mothers role. But once our kids grow up, we can no longer protect him. I understand your son is still a teen, but he made an adult choice with some pretty bad consequences. He needs to face them full on, with your support, of course.
Good Luck.


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## kofduke (Dec 24, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 

I have to ask you, and those posters who support the "get him off" side of the argument - why would you do that? I'm really not getting it.

Well, if it were me, and I knew the charges were going to be criminal rather than traffic, I think I'd do anything possible to get him off. I think OP *should* use her connections and personal knowledge to see exactly what is going to be involved. I had one friend denied a teacher's license at age 21 becuase she had been arrested for underage drinking (NOT driving, just drinking) at age 15; and another denied a law license at age 25 because of a fight at age 15. Just because the criminal record is sealed for the courts does not mean that it is sealed for all purposes, and I wouldn't want my DS's entire future compromised by those charges for a stupid mistake. I understand what's being said about taking responsibility, but I'm not sure that I agree. The part of the brain that involves risk-taking just isn't physically developed at this age. So, clearly, OP's son isn't ready for a license; but I'm not sure that it's necessary to compromise his entire future.

Then again, my DS is 3, so we're not at the age of dealing with these issues yet, and I don't know that I've fully thought them through.

I also think that being involved in school and extra-curricular activities is more important than working at this age. (and yes, I know SOME people can do both, but for way too many teens, once they start working activities fall by the wayside). OP lives in a rural area, and her DS doesn't drive, so how is he going to get to work?

OP, I definately think getting other adults involved would be wonderful...I'm studying to be a school counselor and I would definately forsee myself working with a family who's been thrust into these situations...and I think teens respond better to other adults than their own parents.


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## KarenEMT (Aug 10, 2002)

This headline could have been your son, just change the age:
http://www.mcall.com/news/local/all-...0,108111.story

He could have easily hurt/killed someone. The above-mentioned story was a kid in our neighborhood. She has had "incidents" before but her dad fixed everything and she never took the consequences. Now her friend is in a coma with rods in both legs and lucky to be alive.

IMO, your son should face full legal consequences. You should see if he can do volunteering at a rehab center or somewhere where people who make bad driving decisions might end up. Even if the court does not order "community service," perhaps you might want to require him to do so many hours as a wake-up call.


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## Twocoolboys (Mar 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aisraeltax* 
there were a few ppl here who posted the benefits. my r/s with him, the ability to get a second chance in life, a few other benefits that i cant remember off the top of my head. but there are benefits.

The beauty about taking responsibility for one's actions is that you STILL get a second chance in life - millions of them, actually. We are not our teen-age mistakes (thankfully!).


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

I have one maybe you haven't thought of, do you have a teen court in your area? Each of my teens has had an offence and have gone through the teen court in our area. You may know about it but it is a wonderful process where there is a teen jury and a sit in judge (who is usually a local attorney) the consequences include community service, often times an essay and jury duty. After successful completion the record can be expunged. I don't know if this offence would be eligible but neither of my kids have had a second offence (knock on wood).


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

I think you are doing your son a huge disservice if you don't let him deal with the consequences of his behavior. He is old enough to do the crime, he is old enough to do the time, so to speak. Bailing him out won't teach him anything about responsiblity for his actions.


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## Electra375 (Oct 2, 2002)

If this were my son --
1) let the cards fall as they may, allow the courts to hand down punishment. If that involved a fine, it would be his responsibility to work it off. I would opt for the state to assign community service to work it off. I would not pay it.
2) restrictions at home, Grounding for a period of time - no gf, no going out with friends, limited computer time for hw only, no tv/ video games until he can show responsibility
3) if he were in this state in our county, the school would take away his priviledge to play sports for the remainder of the season
4) In this state the drivers licenses are handed to the parent by a judge and the parent decides whether or not to allow the child to drive. I believe the parent also takes responsibility on some level. I would use this power to my advantage, not as punishment or disipline, but as a tool of responsible behavior.

If you don't come down with some form of consequences for the illegal actions, he will not learn anything. Take a look around at the irresponsible adults in society today, blaming everyone else for their choices etc. I grew up with "It's my parents house and it's their rules I must follow." I wanted to please them and make them proud of me. I still find today that establishing rules of the house and expectations of children is a good thing.

If you come down too harshly, it could back fire as kids today are not afraid to run away, live with friends, or call the cops on the parents. Which is why I think the courts consequences are probably the best solution for the majority of 'punishment'.

Since you are involved with the law, you can probably have a chat with the states attorney and push community service without your son's knowledge, especially if you know the punishment is going to be too lax or they want parents to pay the fine.


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## enkmom (Aug 30, 2004)

I have been in a similar situation. My son got a speeding ticket. We had him hire a lawyer, and his charge was reduced from speeding to a muffler violation. He will pay a very high fine, and must attend traffic school. All told, this will cost him <$500 of his savings. My son knows that is was a huge break, AND that he can never count on this kind of break again.

My son is not destined to be a career criminal, nor will he thumb his nose at authority for the rest of his life. He made a mistake, he is paying for it, and he will be a much more careful driver in the future.


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## beansricerevolt (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pandora114* 
I say he wants to be a grownup, break the law like a grownup, then he has to face the concequences of breaking the law as a grownup. Which means, let things fall as they may. He needs to learn the real concequences of breaking the law.

On the homefront, if he has fines, he needs to get a job to pay for said fines. or, if they have to be paid immideiately you pay them, and then he gets a job to pay YOU back for the fines.
Parental imposed concequenses will really mean nothing.

YOU dont react. Let the law handle it, he broke the law, he needs to deal with it.

Too many parents bail their kids out of trouble with the law in hopes they'll learn a lesson. That's not how they learn. The natural concequence for breaking the law is dealing with the law's concequences...









:

Have him clean around the house/yard to earn the money for fines.
I would have a list of things for him to do after school everyday and he couldn't see his gf or use the phone/computer until the things on the list were done.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

I would try to get the charges reduced. I think that if I were in this situation, not a lawyer, I would try to hire one if I could possibly swing it and try to get the charges reduced. For the same reason that I let my toddler fall off her ride-on toys but I don't let her fall down the stairs. There's a time to let your kid learn about the laws (of society or gravity) and a time to protect them from something really bad, yet still try to drive home that point, but without permanently damaging them. I would at least try to keep the points on the license and anything that will lead to higher insurance premiums from happening. Or he may end up as a young 20-something struggling to make ends meet who ends up driving around uninsured half the time (as I did). Heck, I'm almost 30 and there are still months where we just about have to decide between food and car insurance.

I'm a little less sure about the priveleges and compensation issues, so I'll stay out of that.


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