# different sex siblings co-sleeping?



## **guest** (Jun 25, 2004)

i was just lurking on another forum, and someone posted that there were laws against different sex siblings sleeping in close proximity. is this even true? what ages this would apply to? what is the likelihood of CAS/CPS involvement?

we all share a bed, and it never even occured to me







:

DD is 5, DS is 2y8m.


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## loriforeman (Aug 18, 2007)

it depends upon where you live.

in arkansas, for example...i believe if either child is over four, they can't share.


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## mum4boys (Aug 10, 2005)

actually I do not believe any state has any direct legislation saying this is against the law. I just looked in the Arkansas Code and found no such law. Having said that, I think that its a judgment call. CPS comes knocking on your door they can take that into consideration.


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## **guest** (Jun 25, 2004)

wow. this is scary. i haven't even thought about it. mine run around naked all the time. today they were playing "i have a vulva, you have a penis" game







and i don't think they are going to leave the family bed any time soon.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annabanana* 
wow. this is scary. i haven't even thought about it. mine run around naked all the time. today they were playing "i have a vulva, you have a penis" game







and i don't think they are going to leave the family bed any time soon.











I wouldn't worry about the laws. You really don't have to let CPS into your home without a warrant. You also don't have to answer any questions without a lawyer present.

If for some reason you're worried someone might accuse you of something a judge would issue a warrant for -- you can make sure you have a "token" bed for each child.

But seriously, it's unlikely a judge would issue a search warrant on you unless the police suspect you're operating a meth lab or something. Well, they also would if they thought your kids were in grave danger.

I sure wouldn't lose any sleep, or any snuggle-time with my kids, over something that's no one's business anyway.


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## moonshoes (Jun 1, 2007)

My 6 y.o. DD and 4 y.o DS share a bed with us - if anyone has anyone to say about it they can kiss my patootie. Besides, now that Brangelina have come out as co-sleepers maybe people will accept it a bit more.


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## loriforeman (Aug 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mum4boys* 
actually I do not believe any state has any direct legislation saying this is against the law. I just looked in the Arkansas Code and found no such law. Having said that, I think that its a judgment call. CPS comes knocking on your door they can take that into consideration.

hence the words, "i believe"...

i don't believe it has anything to do with sharing a parental bed, so much as unsupervised opposite-sex children sharing a room. i haven't seen the law (and haven't really looked), but DHS told my friend when she was moving that she HAD to make certain there were enough bedrooms to ensure that her daughter and son did not share. i've had other friends say that where THEY lived, even an infant couldn't share with a different gendered child.

i have all girls, so it was never an issue for me.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

It is my belief that opposite-sex children really should not share a bed if they are not being closely supervised by their parents, anyway. I was sexually molested by my brother with whom I shared a bed for a short amount of time. He was only 5 when that started, I was 3.


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## menudo (May 21, 2002)

The rumor of laws come from public housing rules where there must be seperate bedroom availble if you have kids of opposing sexes. One mom-2 or 3 kids two male/one female? Two bedrooms. One parent 3 boys? 2 bedoom. Get it? The option must be available but ONLY in public housing! The kids do nto have to sleep that way, it must be availble tho!


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## ack26 (Jan 19, 2007)

Interesting. My kids (8 yo girl, 5 yo boy) love having weekend sleepovers where they sleep on dd's trundle bed.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionTigerBear* 
It is my belief that opposite-sex children really should not share a bed if they are not being closely supervised by their parents, anyway. I was sexually molested by my brother with whom I shared a bed for a short amount of time. He was only 5 when that started, I was 3.

From what I've heard, a child who's been exposed to molestation is just as liable to molest a same-sex sibling as an opposite-sex one. I know a man who was molested by his older brother in the bathtub.

When children start noticing that touching their genitals feels good, it makes sense to let them know that this is private behavior, not something to do in front of others. And also to explain that we don't touch the private parts of our siblings and friends.

I can understand how a child who's discovered a pleasurable sensation, might think he's doing his younger sibling "a favor" by showing the sibling how to do the same thing. And this could cause the younger sibling to be exposed to things s/he's not ready for.

But I fail to see how it's any "better" if it happens brother-to-brother or sister-to-sister, you know? I think we need to provide the same level of supervision, whether our children are all the same sex or not. Of course, in a family-bed where parents and children sleep together, molestation seems even less likely than in private rooms.


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## [email protected] (May 31, 2004)

Perhaps it all depends on the culture and the family background. One has to remember that quite often there is curiosity about the differences in the sexes among children while some attraction for the opposite sex might also be there. World over children frequently play 'mom' and 'dad' games. In my part of the world and especially in my community, therefore, by way of abundant precaution, by the age of six or seven children of different sexes are discouraged by parents to sleep together.
Uzra


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## Robert Goodman (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *menudo* 
The rumor of laws come from public housing rules where there must be seperate bedroom availble if you have kids of opposing sexes.

I think it also worked that way in some jurisdictions for people seeking to be foster parents.

My sister & I slept next to each other well past the ages discussed here. Even with our own beds, they were next to each other & we held hands. And frequently wound up snuggling. But more frequently argued about who left the light on -- and she'd win because she could fall asleep with it on and I had to get up & turn it off.

When children are anywhere near the same age, there's a kind of comfort in pillow talk that you just can't get either alone or with a parent or much older or younger sibling. We figured (or at least I did) that we kept the same kind of company to each other that our parents did to each other; we just didn't know about some of it! I don't think it matters what sex they are.

Robert


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## MilkTrance (Jul 21, 2007)

This is scary. We only have two bedrooms (one of them ours) and we want two kids. We were planning on having our kids share, even if they are opposite gender. I wonder about the laws in Canada.


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## mahogny (Oct 16, 2003)

I have an almost-6 yo boy and a 2 1/2 yo girl, and they sleep in the same bed. Their room actually has bunk beds, but they both sleep together in the bottom bunk. (It's a full-size bed.)

I never thought about this before. They enjoy sleeping together, but I do realize that DS is now getting older. We've been meaning to fix up the spare room (now the computer room) as a bedroom for one of them (whichever one wants it) but haven't got around to it.

Is it horrible that they sleep together? Now I'm second-guessing myself.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mahogny* 
Is it horrible that they sleep together? Now I'm second-guessing myself.

I think it's wonderful that your children enjoy this closeness!

I wouldn't worry about what you hear happens in another family: you don't know any of the extenuating circumstances, but you do know your own children.

I know that my oldest, by even earlier than your son's age, had a good understanding of which body parts are private. I have absolutely no concerns that she might molest her baby sister. I think you know where your son's at on this issue, way better than anyone else would.

By the way, does anyone know of data showing that molestation is likelier to occur between siblings of the opposite sex, than between siblings of the same sex? My hunch is that the level of supervision I give my two girls, wouldn't need to be "upped" if one of them were a boy. What do you guys think?


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## jillmamma (Apr 11, 2005)

My two share a room too...DS in a twin bed, and DD in a criib. They enjoy singing and talking together before going to sleep as well. Not only that, but we have frequent visits from out of town grandparents, so it is nice to have a guest room for them. I shared a room with my sister till we were 8 and 9 and moved to a new house with more bedrooms.


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## Robert Goodman (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jillmamma* 
My two share a room too...DS in a twin bed, and DD in a criib. They enjoy singing and talking together before going to sleep as well. Not only that, but we have frequent visits from out of town grandparents, so it is nice to have a guest room for them. I shared a room with my sister till we were 8 and 9 and moved to a new house with more bedrooms.

We beat ya on total age -- I was 11 and my sister was 7.5 or 8. And it was the most fun when Grampa slept over.


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## AmyLaz (Aug 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
I think it's wonderful that your children enjoy this closeness!

I wouldn't worry about what you hear happens in another family: you don't know any of the extenuating circumstances, but you do know your own children.

ITA!

My DD & DS are only 15 months apart and have always been close. They have been sharing DD's double bed since he was 3 and she was 4. They have their own rooms, but DS gets scared at night and would rather sleep with his sister than in his own room. I see nothing wrong with it - I think it's great!


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## BeBe123 (May 25, 2006)

Both of my kids have their own bedrooms and beds. But they both sleep in my bed every night!! We have been a co sleeping family ever since my 1st was born. My family looks down on me bc of it. They think 5yr old DS and 3yr old DD are too old to be sleeping together.

People need to chill out!!

P.S. i still bath them together (i'm a single mother with on help really), is that not good???


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## AmyLaz (Aug 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BeBe123* 
P.S. i still bath them together (i'm a single mother with on help really), is that not good???

I still bathe mine together - nothing wrong with it, IMO!


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

CPS is notorious for telling people that there are laws that exist like this because they like to bully and scare people. However, there are no such federal or state laws.

There _are_ laws for subsidizing housing that say you must have a room for each child of opposite genders, and over certain ages. However it doesn't say the children have to sleep in said separate rooms.







Only that the state must provide them.

I have all girls right now and we cosleep. We also have a room and beds for them. They just don't sleep in them. Ever.







If we have a boy I'm sure nothing will change there.


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## Robert Goodman (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BeBe123* 
Both of my kids have their own bedrooms and beds. But they both sleep in my bed every night!! We have been a co sleeping family ever since my 1st was born. My family looks down on me bc of it. They think 5yr old DS and 3yr old DD are too old to be sleeping together.

What reason do they give?

Maybe they're of a cultural cohort for whom it's a status thing -- that they and their peers thought they'd "made it" when they could afford separate beds or bedrooms for each child. They may even have internalized that idea to the point they don't even remember the reason now, but they consider your kids' sleeping together (regardless of the fact that you actually have rooms & beds for them) to be beneath their station.

Or maybe they just have dirty minds.









Robert


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## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Robert Goodman* 
When children are anywhere near the same age, there's a kind of comfort in pillow talk that you just can't get either alone or with a parent or much older or younger sibling.

I completely agree! My daughter and eldest son slept in the same bed for many years. They had their own beds but preferred to sleep together. It was very good for their relationship. It has never even crossed my mind that anything could be wrong with that.


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## Cloverlove (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BeBe123* 
People need to chill out!!

Seriously!

DS (9) and DD (6) share a room. I actually stand at the bottom of the stairs on any given night to hear their coversations because they are just so funny and sweet.

I would argue that on a world-wide scale MOST siblings sleep in close proximity to another.








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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cloverlove* 
I would argue that on a world-wide scale MOST siblings sleep in close proximity to another.

Yes, I think it's Tine Thevenin, in _The Family Bed_, who tells the story of the little boy who thought his friend was being punished because he had to sleep by himself in his own room.


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