# How old is "old enough" to leave a teen home alone overnight?



## pattimomma (Jul 17, 2009)

Maybe I am a bit overprotective but I am concerned about my (just turned 16 years old last week) neighbor. His mother has gone to Greece (we live in the USA) for five weeks leaving him home alone. He seems comfortable with it. She stocked the house with food and gave him some money. All the neighbors know that she is gone and his older brother (in his 20s) will "check in" on him from time to time (I have no idea why his brother doesn't stay at the house). Still this bothers me. My oldest DD will be 16 in August and I can't imagine leaving her home alone for that long. Maybe for a weekend but certainly not five weeks. I like to think that I am pretty liberal when it comes to letting kids learn how to navigate alone in the real world. I did offer the boy a ride to and from school as well as, he can come over or call if he needs anything.









Thoughts?


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

It does seem like a long time. I'd be more worried about parties and the house being kept taken care of than anything else, honestly, but I would also worry about a barely-16-year-old getting scared at night alone and not sleeping well, or something going wrong with the house (maybe in the middle of the night even) and not knowing how to handle it. I think that would be out of my personal comfort zone too.


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## sere234 (Feb 7, 2009)

Well, it's not something my parents would ever have done with me or my siblings. I only have littles right now so I can't say what I would do. Based on their current personalities I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving one of them but the other I would







Still not sure I'd be willing to leave either one alone for five whole weeks while I was out of the county. I assume your neighbor knows her kid and his capabilities best though!


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## chel (Jul 24, 2004)

It's young, but I wouldn't say is anything close to navigating the real world. I'm sure the kid is in school for most of his waking hours, sleeping or screen time the rest of the time. I guess the reason he was left behind was due to school.
Most teens I know spend most of their time without their parents.
As for house emergencies, if it is a fire get out, other problems call big brother or parents.

My parents left my oldest brother alone for 2weeks. Nothing alarming or exciting happened.

As for my kids. I don't think my oldest would ever want to be alone that much even once she is an adult. I would deffinately have her stay with someone.

I know many 17yr old raising kids, so just watching yourself at 16 is doable.


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## pattimomma (Jul 17, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *chel*  I'm sure the kid is in school for most of his waking hours, sleeping or screen time the rest of the time. I guess the reason he was left behind was due to school.


School is out for the summer next week.

It may or may not make any difference as to whether or not he can handle being alone that long but something that I forgot to mention that adds to my concern is his diagnoses of depression, anxiety, ADD, speech/language disorder and learning disabilities. I have helped his mom with his school IEP (I have two special needs kids myself) so I know exactly what his challenges are. Those issues probably won't make any major difference in how he handles things, he is a responsible kid.

Thanks to everyone who has replied! It's really nice getting all the different points of view (and I can be a worry wart lol).


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Five weeks seems long but not overly worrisome, depending of course on the maturity of the 16 y.o.

I'm comparing it to news stories about 16 y.o's who take months to sail solo around the world. I think keeping a house reasonably clean and avoiding burning it down for 5 weeks is probably fairly straightforward in comparison to navigating around the Cape of Good Hope.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

That seems a bit young but I was in college dorms at 17. We had supervisors in the building but they weren't exactly keeping tabs on us.


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## erigeron (Oct 29, 2010)

^^^Yeah, I was going to say, in a couple of years that kid could be off at college living in the dorms or off-campus, and be in charge of all the same things he's in charge of now, so it doesn't seem so out of line to me.


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## Cyllya (Jun 10, 2009)

The fact that he's uncomfortable with the arrangement is the only concern I have, but since he has anxiety and depression issues, he's probably uncomfortable about anything! (Guess how I know!) In fact, taking care of himself for five weeks could be a much needed confidence boost.

Well, I guess the neighbors all being in on this fact bothers me too, but maybe some people really trust all their neighbors that much.... I can't imagine it. It seems a step away from putting an ad in the paper saying, "Here's my home address, please come rob and murder me. The door's unlocked!"


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Cyllya*
> 
> The fact that he's uncomfortable with the arrangement is the only concern I have, but since he has anxiety and depression issues, he's probably uncomfortable about anything! (Guess how I know!) In fact, taking care of himself for five weeks could be a much needed confidence boost.


I missed where OP said the young man is uncomfortable with this situation...

I dunno... By 17, a "kid" is on the verge of stepping out on his/her own. Given that there are plenty of people in the neighborhood who he knows and are keeping an eye out (as well as his older brother)? I don't see it as an issue.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Cyllya*
> 
> The fact that he's uncomfortable with the arrangement is the only concern I have, but since he has anxiety and depression issues, he's probably uncomfortable about anything! (Guess how I know!) In fact, taking care of himself for five weeks could be a much needed confidence boost.


I don't think that anyone who is depressed is best served by spending 5 weeks alone. How depressed is he? Could he end up killing himself? I'd be inviting him over all the time for dinner, and sending my kids over there to hang out with him and keep in company. I wouldn't wait for him to ask. I've been depressed -- it was pretty much impossible for me to ask other people for anything when I was depressed.

We left our kids overnight alone when they were 14 and 15, but it was for 2 nights. And they were really happy to see us when we got back.

We will do it again this year (they are 15 and 16) and now they seem much more ready for it. And we will only be gone for a weekend.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

My oldest was 15 when I went away with my Mom & daughter for 2 weeks. His grandfather checked in with him, and they had a few dinners together. It really was okay. Honestly, I think the parent gets to decide if his/her child is up to the challenge. Not neighbors, and not random strangers on the 'Net.


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## PamelaMassey (May 19, 2013)

I have a daughter diagnose with recurrent major depressive disorder & impulse control disorder, she's been in counseling 4 yrs & been in a mental hospital 3 times. I'm scared to leave her alone bc she has expressed thoughts of overdosing on her Meds for depression. I don't think I'll ever be able to leave her home alone overnight but parents know their children better than anyone. I was not concerned after reading your original post, but after finding out his medical diagnoses I would be concerned too. Someone else brought up a good point, maybe this is what he needs to help prepare him for moving away from home. I will still keep the closest eye on him I could thou.


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## 34me (Oct 2, 2006)

We left our kids home alone for a week at 17, 15 and 13. We were accross the country. The oldest still doesn't drive and the 15 year old only had a permit. There was a big snowstorm while we were gone and they lost power for 5 of the 7 days. We also lost a bunch of branches. My 15 year old took care of all the ones on the roof. The 13 year old walked 2 miles each way to school so he could get one hot meal a day. The other two only had to walk accross the field. They charged their phones at school. They were fine. The only bad decision they made was not ordering take out - they still had $100 a piece when we got home and $100 on the back of the door.

And the power came back on (literally) 5 minutes before we got home.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Last summer, I was in the hospital for a week. Yes, my youngest was 18, but she took care of the dogs, did her laundry, fed herself, checked in on my parents, played/coached field hockey, and worked. And got herself ready for going off to college.

I'm jst glad I was well enough to take her up to school.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pattimomma*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I missed this post. I must have cross-posted when I replied last week. I'm still inclined to rely on the parents to judge whether it's okay to leave a 16 y.o. but I can understand the concern.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Yeah like I said it would be out of my comfort zone, but I'm sure the parents and the kid discussed it and decided for whatever reason this was the best choice in their situation, and they know their kid and the specifics of the situation better than anyone.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

I think it really depends on the kid. I could see my 12 year old being fine with this is a few years. My 7 year old? She probably won't be able to be on her own until she's 22.


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## onyxfire (Feb 14, 2013)

Yikes, I worry about any kid with an IEP left alone for that long, regardless of age. 5 weeks is a long time. My 12 year old is an honor student with no learning disabilities and I wouldn't leave her alone overnight. Her best friend's older sister is 15, a certified babysitter, and one of the best students at a high school that is in the top 20 in the entire United States, and while my DD has stayed the night over there with only the big sister in charge, I don't think their parents would let the 15 year old, even by herself, stay alone longer than a couple of days. There are a LOT of un foreseeable things that could happen in a month. It also gets super lonely, even as an adult with SN/LD, by yourself. Before I had kids, I had a couple of roommates who worked opposite schedules than me and only saw for an extended time period 1-2 days a week. We were friends, and often had mutual friends over, but it got lonely at times, coming from someone with anxiety and depression. Even when I was dating people, coming home every day with no one to greet you and no human contact outside of school or work for days at a time can be profoundly depressing... And I tend to be reclusive, I like to see my friends and family, but prefer to be alone, so this situation seems scary. Even for a young adult without anything neurologically interesting happening.


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

15 year old, alone for 5 weeks, depression, etc, not comfortable with his parents leaving that long, and his parents gone so far away that it could take days to get back home in case of an emergency. Doesn't sound like a good plan. I hope he'll be alright.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Since you have helped the family with their IEP you must know the mom well - if not friends but well enough to get a feel for her and understand how much she 'gets' her child. do you doubt her judgement?

i think a 16 year old can totally do it. they may not like it, but they can do it - even with all his other issues. perhaps he talks and texts his brother every day so he has some contact. even with depression and anxiety - this can be a very empowering moment for him. esp. with IEP even more. gives him a chance to figure out that he CAN do it


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

At that age, I was employed and living on my own. I'd make sure the guy knows that your family is there if he needs someone to eat dinner with but try not to worry about it.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamazee*
> I'm sure the parents and the kid discussed it and decided for whatever reason this was the best choice in their situation,


Why are you sure of that? It seems an odd assumption to me.

I don't know anyone who has left a teen that age alone for that long, and I think that depression and anxiety make it a WORSE idea.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I had similar diagnoses as a teen and staying home alone, traveling alone, then moving out just before turning seventeen were justice what I needed. My depression stemmed mostly from having very little control over my life so these experiences freed me from a lot of the hopelessness and caged in feelings I had. I think his family is making a choice based on what they feel will be best for him.


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## pattimomma (Jul 17, 2009)

UPDATE - The older brother stopped by and caught the 16 yr old with something he wasn't suppose to have







and grounded him. Not exactly sure how the grounding is being enforced since he is still home alone


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> Why are you sure of that? It seems an odd assumption to me.
> 
> I don't know anyone who has left a teen that age alone for that long, and I think that depression and anxiety make it a WORSE idea.


Yes, I think it's a reasonable assumption that they discussed it with the teen before leaving him alone.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pattimomma*
> 
> UPDATE - The older brother stopped by and caught the 16 yr old with something he wasn't suppose to have
> 
> ...


wow. hey that's great news right? i mean i remember whenever i got the house to myself i always tried to do that forbidden thing. and i have done a few things - some my parents never found out and some i got grounded for. it was well worth it!!!!!

its been almost 3 weeks and just two more weeks left. he seems to have done well hasnt he?

if he has broken the rules that means he is having a great time - at least that's what i assume.


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## pattimomma (Jul 17, 2009)

His dad came from where he lives, out of state, and took him back to his house. I assume that his mother knew about it.


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## erigeron (Oct 29, 2010)

So apparently 16 is too young to leave this particular kid alone for 5 weeks.









I didn't even know MDC had a drinky smiley.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *erigeron*
> 
> So apparently 16 is too young to leave this particular kid alone for 5 weeks.


unless we didnt know the whole story, and the dad was planned to pick the son up in 3 weeks time.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pattimomma*
> 
> His dad came from where he lives, out of state, and took him back to his house. I assume that his mother knew about it.


Thank goodness. I don't think that any depressed person, regardless of age, should be drinking alone.


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## Kelly0120 (Sep 29, 2014)

Linda on the move said:


> Quote:
> 
> 
> > Originally Posted by *Cyllya*
> ...


I wanted to leave my kids, 15 in December and 11 in November. She is mature and can handle it. I am more worried about the what ifs. Did that bother you at all? I can trust her totally. Would love your thoughts


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Kelly0120 said:


> I wanted to leave my kids, 15 in December and 11 in November. She is mature and can handle it. I am more worried about the what ifs. Did that bother you at all? I can trust her totally. Would love your thoughts


What kind of what ifs? We have cell phones, so we were always easy to reach. We have some friends who our kids are super comfortable with who live near by, so the kids could call them if something big came up.

Our kids are pretty handy and we've been working on "independence and life skills" for years. It's like my motto. Some big things do require help. Even grown ups sometimes need help. I have AAA and a reliable handyman because I'm not good at every thing. But I did feel like the things *most* likely to happen were things my kids could handle.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Kelly0120 said:


> I am more worried about the what ifs. Did that bother you at all? I can trust her totally. Would love your thoughts


the what ifs are one of the most paralysing things in the world. its something we all have to overcome. we have to recognise this is more about us and not our kids. we have to examine if its a real fear or an illogical fear.

i've had to work through this myself. my illogical fear has been heightened by the movie "Testament".

we have to accept our decision. everytime you 'stretch' yourself something could go wrong. that possibility ALWAYS exists. are you going to given in to that fear or take a chance.

this is something i work a LOT with my dd. she is more of the fearful, worried kind. i tell her we will never be able to lead a full life if we keep taking a step backwards out of fear. i have to push her to go against her fear. she has improved a lot since was younger.

you know your dd. you know you can leave your kids home. like linda you set up some support system, usable during times of emergency and even when they just need something small. and things should be ok.


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## KP2 (Oct 3, 2014)

I always appreciate the vast differences in opinions and parenting styles on this forum. This validates to me, that every parent is different, as well as each child within the family. 

I can't say I'm surprised that he was caught experimenting (although it may have been more than an experiment at that point). The bottom line is, no matter what people say, we do not truly know our kids. We teach them values that we hope they listen to, but it is almost impossible to predict what they may do when given an opportunity. It is age appropriate for teen-angers, regardless of their level of intelligence, IEP or not, diagnoses or not (although depression, anxiety and the like will certainly put a child at higher risk). 

As I type this, my DD14 and her two friends are passed out in my living room. By "passed out" I mean fast asleep, from being goofy all night in my living room. Did I worry about what they were doing? Of course I did. Did I remove the alcohol and any prescription meds from their normal spot? I sure did. They all go to school together (just started HS, but they knew each other before that), where four kids were taken away by ambulance this week for buying and selling of Xanax (one was removed from my daughters class, but she doesn't "know her"). Do I worry about my child? Sure I do. She asked me that night if I worry in that way. Do I worry about her friends? Of course I do. 

We like to make presumptions about who is more likely to get themselves into trouble. I'm well aware of the risk factors that my DD has. But as a pediatric nurse (having worked in inpatient and community settings) I see that no one is immune to things like this. Even the best parents, who live in the best neighborhoods, and go to the best schools, could have kids who get themselves into trouble. 

In the other hand, the point about them learning to be independent is a major concern. For me personally, I am not ready to leave my DD14 home alone for even one overnight, let alone 5 weeks. She would not want it, this I know. She is lonely and clingy, and would stay up all night, and be online just because she can. She's past the point where she would eat all the cookies ice cream and junk in the house (I still have snacks left in my kitsch this morning  ). Could she handle herself alone, I believe so. She can problem solve, knows who she would need to call in case of an emergency, etc. 

It really is up to the individual child and parent. Sometimes a kid needs to be given a chance to prove themselves, and this young man blew his chance.


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## pattimomma (Jul 17, 2009)

An update on the kid in the original post: He's been diagnosed with psychosis and is now on 24/7 watch due to his delusions and hallucinations. I'm just glad it didn't manifest while he was home alone!


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