# I am frightened and can't handle anymore of this



## lamplighter (Nov 20, 2001)

Hello all, I have been healing and going through alot of emotions finally the blood test came back last Monday and said that my level was under 5, but there was a question about the pap smear that had come back with questionable cells. that had been done in april when i was pregnant and all was well with the pregnancy. today i have found out that last week's pap smear has confirmed i have an epithireal lesion. i may not have spelled that correctly - sorry. tomorrow i return to my midwives for another test to rule out if i have human pavillo virus. if that comes back negative i have a pap in 3 months. if it's positive i have another type of procedure, taking a larger sample. oh god i don't think i can handle anything more. first my lump in my breast (which is okay but that dr wants to do a core biopsy to make 100% sure ) then the loss of my little one which took a long time to go through and now this.....i can't handle it.........help.....

beth


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Beth,

I'm so very sorry that you must endure all of this. My heart breaks for you. Your frightened, your sad, your greiving.

Self care is so important for you now. Please make sure your eating well and getting enough rest. I know, it's hard to do right now, but you must care for yourself.

You know I don't have any magic words to make you feel better. I offer my shoulder to cry on and my ears to listen. You're deep in my thoughts. Please know, I'm here if you need me!

Love and Gentleness to you.


----------



## lamplighter (Nov 20, 2001)

Thank you Jacque, I do so need support now. I am at a loss a complete loss as to what to do or say. Thank you for your shoulder. I am grateful.

Beth


----------



## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I am so sorry all this is happening. I hope that soon your life will move to a more restful place where you can take a break and heal. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## Xenogenesis (May 1, 2002)

((((((((((hugs))))))))))


----------



## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Beth,

This sounds like such a heavy load to carry! I also ache for and with you, and am so sorry that there is all of this to deal with on top of grieving the loss of your little one.
Do you have some support in real life to hold your hand through all of this? Please continue to know that this community holds you as you struggle through this. I hope there is some light shed on the situation soon. Take good care, beth.

(((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))) ))










mamabutterfly


----------



## Elusive Dreams (Jul 26, 2002)

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}]

If you need someone to talk to, i am here.
Em


----------



## lamplighter (Nov 20, 2001)

Thank you all for your support. I am to see my midwife tomorrow for more tests. All i can do is hold Jeannie and stay in the loving moment between she and I. thank you all again for your wonderful hugs and care.

beth


----------



## indiegirl (Apr 15, 2002)

(((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

I had an abnormal pap before my pg---they did a coloposcopy and found that I have HPV.

What you may not know about HPV is that it does not CAUSE cancer and does not mean you have cancer. It means you have a virus that MOST of the adult population has (but is unaware). You need to make sure you have regular paps, but you would do that anyway....It did not change my life much at all~

My heart goes out to you, I am sorry for your loss!


----------



## jordmoder (Nov 20, 2001)

(((((Beth)))))

Not too much to say except I hold you in my thoughts ... and don't forget to breathe ... deeply ...

This thread might have some useful info for you as it's an after-abnormal pap thread

http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...threadid=19128

Please let us know how your visit goes tomorrow, ok?

Barbara


----------



## rachelle-a-tron (Apr 13, 2002)

Much love Mama.

(((BETH)))


----------



## Marlena (Jul 19, 2002)

Cancer can be incredibly difficult to deal with - not only does it often feel out of your control to significantly influence, but it can also feel like it's your own body that's the enemy, so to speak. I had cancer (melanoma), and have been cancer-free (as far as anyone can know) for four years now. It can be really helpful to check with your local hospital (or, if you're in a larger community, maybe you have a hospital in the area that specifically deals with cancer) and find a support group for people who are coping with what you're coping with right now. It really, really helps to talk with other folks who are going through similar issues when you have cancer. Good luck.

--- Mare


----------



## peggy (Nov 19, 2001)

(((Beth)) You have had way more than your share lately. I hope things go well today. I am holding you in my thoughts.

peggy


----------



## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

75-90% of population has HPV. There are hundreds of stains and only 7-10 may cause cancer. I had errosion of my cervic becuase of HPV. They froze it and than I had to have PAP smear evey 3 moths. It is worrisome but not uncommon. I her form some doctors that stress makes HPV worse. There is some evidnece that most of the pople are able to fight the virus off within 2-3 hour. eat well, sleep well and be happy. Less strees, the better your immune system will be. My thoughts are with oyu


----------



## lamplighter (Nov 20, 2001)

Dear Friends

I am filled with hope from reading all your posts. I am very grateful to all of you! Thank you.

I had my test done on Tuesday and yesterday was recoup day for Jeannie and I, which means real mom and dd time, playing and doing whatever she wants (reading, dress-up, watching Mary Poppins, pool-time etc..) so it was a busy day and a day that I needed.

I won't know anything about the test for a few days. and I am about to go back into the woods of Vermont for a few days. This is where I really heal.

I also realized that I have been through health issues before. In '95, I had mono, then Lyme's Disease in '97 and then in '98 Chronic Fatigue syndrome (Epstein-Barr Virus) and through a wonderful alternative Doctor, my Reiki master, meditation and prayer, I was healed and conceived Jeannie!! About 9 months after Jeannie was born I too had a scare with melanoma, but it was also removed and I healed from that.

Perhaps my body is "cleaning house" so that I may embark on another journey - maybe to a full - term healthy pregnancy.

Who knows, I am praying and getting back into my healing practice and atthe very least this is good.

Thank you all for your support and hugs, I couldn't handle this without you all. I will let you all know of the test result when I know.

with heartfelt thanks,

Beth


----------

