# Sadness about end of fertility



## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Hi I don't normally post here but an experience at playgroup today made me realize how sad I really am. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and it keeps getting worse. My daughter is 2 and I am not fertile at all. Unfortunately it is not because of the nursing (although she still does) because all my regular PCOS symptoms are back as well, have been since November 2003. I am also showing signs of early menopause which isn't uncommon in PCOS cases. So even though I'm only 25 I am fairly certain I will never be pregnant again. We are currently adopting and I am thrilled. I know I will love our adopted son just as much as the two I have now. I plan to adoptive nurse as well. But there is still something about never being pregnant again that makes me so sad. And its ridiculous really because I had very uncomfortable pregnancies and after Olivia I had really bad postpartum depression. Mind you, I wasn't on any meds and I am not on Wellbutrin (I have bipolar - BAD idea not treating it after she was born). I keep thinking well this time it would be different because the bipolar is totally under control, I have lost a lot of weight and DH will be home full-time (working from home) when I would have another (I would wait until after our adoption). So I start thinking maybe I COULD have another biological child and then I remember, oh, right, I CAN'T just pop one out like so many people can. I would most likely have to take fertility drugs which I don't know if I feel comfortable. And if I AM going into early menopause, well, that's it. I just can't handle the idea of never being pregnant again, never seeing the positive sign on the hpt, never knowing that there is a little life inside me, never feeling a baby kick, never having a little newborn. Also I had two c-sections (second one unnecessary, I took the damn epidural and it put her into distress) and the idea of NEVER getting to experience vaginal birth really sucks too. Will these longings ever go away?


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## JanetF (Oct 31, 2004)

Hi Shawna,
I'm a cyster too so big hugs to you! Those are a whole lot of really big issues you're dealing with. I've never taken drugs to conceive or to manage my PCOS. The only longterm solution is diet and exercise - sad but true







Low carbing plus a gentle or moderate amount of exercise is enough. And you only need to lose 5% of your body weight to kick start your fertility. It could also improve your wellbeing enormously. Some PCOSers have mood issues partly from the blood sugar issues involved in being insulin resistant. Have you tackled it from that point of view? Understanding insulin resistance is vital to managing PCOS. I'm happy to chat to you about it any time








Hugs,
J


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## jempd (Feb 27, 2002)

It must be sad and very hard to deal with. I'm dealing with end of fertility/menopause but I am not young like you are and not dealing with your health issues so I'm sure it must be quite different. However I do know that it is sad to think about never being pregnant again. I also think--you ARE young and though you can't think of fertility drugs right now, maybe there's a way? Maybe you can do your own research into it or you can talk to a good doctor about it? Anyway I do know that when I have tentatively tried to voice to others that I am feeling sad about not having another baby--and I am mean sad, not anguished--so far everyone has been so fast to remind me that I have a beautiful kid, a lot of people are not so lucky, etc. that I feel I haven't had a chance to express it, so I am glad that you have done so and want to support you in how you feel.


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## BeeandOwlsMum (Jul 11, 2002)




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## Jenny_adoptChina (Mar 7, 2003)

I don't think the desire to experience something ever really goes away, but it can be fully replaced in your mind with a desire to experience something new and wonderful like adoption. As you've discovered by your willingness to adopt, the experience is no less of a miracle than having biological children. The first time you hold your adopted baby will be no less wonderful than the first time you hold your biological child. I will always wonder what it's like to feel a life inside me, having never been pregnant, but I don't really think it could be much different than holding a beautiful baby in your arms. My only current desire is to adopt as many kids as I can (up to 10) but I just have to work on convincing the rest of my family how important that is to me. I love being a mom to a baby and don't want to ever go back to the time when I had no baby to hold. I only wish I would've adopted sooner, so that's why I sometimes check the fertility boards and try to share my wonderful adoption experience. I spent so long wishing for something that never happened, and now I wonder why I wasted so much time when there was such a perfect alternative, all with the same end result - a baby to love. There's nothing as wonderful as being a mom. Getting over the desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth was the only hard part for me. Once you have the baby you forget about that though.
Hugs,
Jenny


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## Persephone (Apr 8, 2004)

HEavenly, I do think you could get your PCOS under control enough to have children again. It would be a struggle, but I think with the right treatments (for me that would be alternative), and proper diet and exercise for cysters, you may be able to regain your fertility.

I have PCOS too, and I"ve done a lot of research on it. Though I haven't had serious fertility issues, I have seen my fertility get better when I changed my lifestyle. You likely already know about this place, but www.soulcysters.net is a great place for support.


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

Heavenly,







no one seems to talk about grieving a loss of fertility, but I'm certain that there are many of us who do so alone. It shouldn't have to be that way.

Somehow, I always believed that I'd feel "done" having children and then menopause would come. Never did I think that menopause would come while I still so desperately wanted another baby.

Yes, I already have children. Yes, I'm "older"--it should be no shock that my time is up, but it's so painful to me to think that I'll never be pregnant again, never feel life inside of me, never give birth again. As you can see from my sig, we were going to have another, one who would have been our last baby. I've been able to speak of our loss on MDC and with dh and a few friends irl, but the loss of my fertility is a separate issue and not one that people seem open to discussing.

I wish I knew if the longings ever go away. I think that, like with any pain or loss, they might fade a bit with time. I hope so, anyway.

I'm rambling...I really just wanted to offer some hugs.


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## OnTheFence (Feb 15, 2003)

I think its great you are adopting and even after we adopted I still had the longing to be pregnant again and nurse. I did nurse our son we adopted but it didnt work out and I decided to quit.

I too have PCOS, annovulatory cycles, etc.
I adopted at 25 like you. 8 months later I was preggo with Jack. It wsa a quite a surprise even though for the first time in 8 years I was having normal 28 days cycles. I can tell you that I had lost 40lbs and I was walking 5m a day.
I am currently pregnent, surprisingly, again. (and last) I had only had one period since May, and only two before that for the 2004 year.

Our son's birthmother also has PCOS. She had Dylan after 9 years of infertility. She had his bio sister two years ago after she was on some medication, lost some weight and exercise.


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