# I'm new to GD and need LOTS of Toddler advice ASAP! [VERY ANGRY MAMA!]



## Jaydedeyz (Jun 23, 2005)

I'm new to GD [I was raised with the belt,switch,fly swat,etc.,you get the idea] and I need LOTS of advice,support and encouragement to NOT throttle my 2 yr. old! He's a typical independent,opinionated toddler,and sometimes he makes me so mad I can FEEL my ears turning red with anger! [I'm a very white woman,so you can actually see my temperature rising.]
I have a short temper [I know,NOT a good mom trait!],and I do my best to be as patient and calm with him as possible,even if it means walking away from a near-explosion scene between me and him,but everyday it seems like we both end up in tears. He's crying b/c I've taken something away [not child appropriate play-things;eg-scissors],or I've denied him soemthing [candy], and I'm crying out of frustration.
He's fiercly independant,and explodes everytime I HAVE to do something for him. [Yes,he is a high needs child,been that way since birth,VERY sensitive!] We live in my mom's house,and I have very little control over the quality and/or safety of his home environment. [PLEASE don't suggest moving!,I can't afford it,and I'm here to help my elderly mother.]
My mom's a sewing addict,she has twenty 10 gallon sized plastic totes stacked all around the house with all sorts of cloth,scissors,needles,pins,etc. There's too much to contain it all to 1 room,so it was just easier to child-proof his bedroom. [He's never had a room all to himself,they shared a room until he grew into his toddler bed,now there's no containing him!] So I went through and cleaned out everything in that room that is hers,and it's all now piled high in our livingroom. His room is relatively safe [there's no such thing as completely safe around him!]. I have a wooden accordian style baby gate in his doorway,to keep him in his "safe place".
My problem is,he knocks it over and runs right over it! Even when I spend ALL DAY in his room with him [except for potty breaks for both of us and meals], he STILL insists on coming through that gate. Here's the problem. We fight this fight from the moment he wakes up,to the moment he goes to sleep, EVERYDAY.
This is why my nerves are on end. I can't stand fighting this power struggle with him,I need more GD ways of dealing with this. I yell,ALOT. I'd much rather not yell,but I'd rather yell than spank. [The lesser-of-2-evils rule.]
I take him outside for large portions of the day,everyday. He gets plenty of free roaming time outside,and has even learned to walk our chihuahua on a leash. So his level of physical activity is appropriate for his age.
He has an expanded vocabulary,for a 2 yr. old [a little TOO expanded,more on that in a minute!]. But he still can't verbally express everything he wants or feels. I know he takes his cues from the adults in his environment.
He's recently been hitting/kicking the cats and dogs in the house. [We're VERY animal friendly here,so I KNOW he's NEVER seen US do this!] It's taken me a few days,but I see where he's getting it from now. Hiarchy. He does something we don't want him to do,he gets spanked. The cats does something Richard doesn't want him to do,the cat gets kicked. I get it now. It's HORRIFYING me to have to see this to believe it,but it's true. Now my problem is,how to stop it. He also yells at everyone [animals and humans] when he's not getting his way. [Yes,I see my influence here too.]
Here's what I need advice on:
*Stopping the hitting [his AND mine!]
*Stopping the yelling [his AND mine!]
*Stopping the tantrums [his,if I have a trantrum,it's out of view and earshot]
*Controling my anger
*Alternatives to spanking for discipline [time outs DO NOT WORK!]
*Better ways to handle a sensitive toddler in daily situations,in general,to prevent the blow-ups from BOTH of us

WE NEED HELP NOW!!! The constant tension with him is making it difficult for my 5 month old to not be upset as well. [My boys are VERY sensitive to each others emotions,if one cries,the other's crying with him.] And this makes it even harder on me to handle my anger. No,I'm not going to put my son's head through a wall,or something else as abusive. I do have frequent thoughts of me headbutting a pine tree though.
One more problem. How to stop a 2 yr. old from cussing!? [My mom cusses like a sailor! Not at my son,but if he messes up her stuff,she's cussing the WHOLE time she's having to clean it up. I'm guilty of an occasional expletive, like when I slammed my thumb in the cardoor.] But everytime I turn around he's calling [both me AND her] stupidass. [Just a note,WE DO NOT call names in this house!,There is curse words here,but they're NEVER name-calling. I have NO IDEA where he got this from!] My mom even made the comment tonight about going in the morning and making her a switch to "teach you some manners!",talking directly to my son! I quickly corrected her on the switch idea,but I have no idea on how to handle these types of situations with him without some sort of force [physical or verbal] from myself.
When he throws a tantrum there's no building up to it,no cues to watch for,it's instant. One minute he's getting dressed,the next he's having an episode on the floor,later on I find out it was b/c he couldn't find his other sock. He will frequently ask for help from me or another adult nearby,but not always. And when he gets into a tantrum you might as well be trying to communicate logic with a rock. He throws himself around like a fish out of water,tears streaming,yelling at the top of his lungs,his face is a DARK purple,and he goes completely [selectively]deaf. Usually my way of handling this is to move him to a safe spot [for example,off of the tile kitchen floor and onto the carpeted bedroom floor] until he stops.
How do I teach my son some self control with his temper,when I can't control mine?
I appreciate any and all advice,I can REALLY use it! TIA.


----------



## mamakay (Apr 8, 2005)

First of all, I think you have got to babyproof the whole house each and every morning. He needs access to the whole house all of the time.
This might sound impossible, but it can be done.
Second, don't worry about controlling his tantrums. 2 year olds just do that. Just be loving and supportive when he freaks out (sounds like you're already there....just accept that this is what they do).
Third, simply focus on yourself and your own emotional breaking points. Your child will follow your lead. Once you learn how to control your own emotions, you'll pass it on.
You can't teach what you don't know, you know?
And I really think that once your house is babyproofed, and you just accept that 2 year olds flip out, you'll have room to work with your own anger problems.
Good luck, mama.


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:

I have a wooden accordian style baby gate in his doorway,to keep him in his "safe place".
My problem is,he knocks it over and runs right over it! Even when I spend ALL DAY in his room with him [except for potty breaks for both of us and meals], he STILL insists on coming through that gate. Here's the problem. We fight this fight from the moment he wakes up,to the moment he goes to sleep, EVERYDAY.
Personally I can't imangine trying to keep a two year old in one room all day







we go crazy in our small apartment much less just one room, personally I'd knock that gate down too.







SO I agree with the PP your going to HAVE to child proof the house, and yes it is possible.. but onto the more important issue









Quote:

*Stopping the hitting [his AND mine!]
*Stopping the yelling [his AND mine!]
*Stopping the tantrums [his,if I have a trantrum,it's out of view and earshot]
*Controling my anger
*Alternatives to spanking for discipline [time outs DO NOT WORK!]
*Better ways to handle a sensitive toddler in daily situations,in general,to prevent the blow-ups from BOTH of us
First off as a parent you have to be the grown up and you have to decide that you will not let your childs actions hold you hostage. Don't take his behavior personally. Decide what you will and won't allow then prevent or stop the action if it happens.
Try to get your mind out of a punitive mind set your right spankings don't work they take focus off the incident or behavior and puts it on you. You become the feared one but the problem stays. Time outs yelling groundings etc are all just another version of punishments.

Quote:

When he throws a tantrum there's no building up to it,no cues to watch for,it's instant. One minute he's getting dressed,the next he's having an episode on the floor,later on I find out it was b/c he couldn't find his other sock. He will frequently ask for help from me or another adult nearby,but not always. And when he gets into a tantrum you might as well be trying to communicate logic with a rock. He throws himself around like a fish out of water,tears streaming,yelling at the top of his lungs,his face is a DARK purple,and he goes completely [selectively]deaf. Usually my way of handling this is to move him to a safe spot [for example,off of the tile kitchen floor and onto the carpeted bedroom floor] until he stops.
How do I teach my son some self control with his temper,when I can't control mine?
Umm has he been tested for Aspergers? There are many levels to this but you just listed a lot of tell tale signs the sudden tantrums, the selective deafness I'd also check out his diet my DD gets pretty unreasonable if she gets too much Glutten or dairy..

Deanna


----------



## Euromom (Jan 28, 2005)

I agree with the other mamas. Once I stopped trying to control my ds's freak out and just being there for him, encouraging and consoling him.."yes I know you want the... and it makes you frustrated not to have it, but Mommy doesn't want you to get hurt (or break it)..." And helped him express his feelings and encourage him toward his things it was a lot better for all of us. They got shorter and shorter and I stayed sain.

Also my big questions is why are you inside so much? All day in one room. Maybe you are both stir crazy??? I think I would freak out too.







Is it because you are your mother's sole caretaker? Is there someone you trust to take him to the park for awhile...somedays a long while








to help get out his energy and simulate him. Is it too hot right now? Maybe even to the mall or the pool?

Remember he won't learn or change his behavior on demand, you have to think long term. Respond to the motivation (needs attention, is bored, hungry, tired, etc.) try not react to the behavior (excluding the dangerous ones). Easier said than done, I know. Walking away can be such a help too. Somedays that is the only thing that helps ds just to cry it out on his own.
Well,







lots of love to you. Be encouraged, you are doing the right thing making this change for your family. I think it is admirable. Change is hard.


----------



## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

The OP did say that she takes him outdoors a lot. Just wanted to reiterate that.

However, I agree with everyone that confining him to one room indoors is a set up for problems. Its not going to work. How do you like being confined to one room all day? Your mom needs to establish a sewing room somewhere and the rest of the house needs to be toddler safe. Can she take his room for sewing? It would be better for him to share a room with you and have access to the house the rest of the day.

As for cussing -- if he is hearing it from the adults in his life, then there is nothing you can reasonably do about it. Eliminate the source. Or learn to live with it.

2 year olds will hit and kick. You are right that it is hard to correct the behavior if the whole household is not comitted to making a "no hitting home." You need to be able to say, "_We don't hit,_" and it needs to be a true statement.

This is what I did when we decided not to spank anymore: Everytime I felt inclined to strike my child, I envisioned him standing on the edge of a cliff. My response to him would determine whether he went over the cliff or not. Spanking him was the equivalent of pushing him over the edge. I would ask myself, _"Would I push my baby off the edge of a cliff? No. So I will not strike him either."_ I love my children. I recognize that it is my job to protect them from danger and damage. And spanking is damaging. It is damaging in a slow and pervasive way -- but just as surely as standing at the edge of a cliff.


----------



## babybugmama (Apr 7, 2003)

Powerful image mamaduck...thank you.


----------



## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

i agree with the PP's...keeping him in one room is probably not helping, but i do understand why you've felt the need. maybe for now you can just expand it to one MORE room that is available to him? focus on childproofing one more room and see if that helps matters. childproofing an entire home WHILE taking care of 2 kids might get overwhelming, so take it in baby steps.

about the rest of it - i think that it boils down to everybody feeling stressed and angry, which is of course understandable. even the most patient of people (NOT me LOL) get frustrated with 2yo behavior. sometimes they act crazy. i think the best thing for you to do is the opposite of your instincts. LOL i know that sounds stupid, but it works for me. when i want to yell, i whisper. it's easy for my 2yo to ignore me when i'm screaming but if i whisper he ALWAYS quiets down so he can hear what i'm saying. really, i think that you need to take the volume waaaaay down...even unnaturally low at first just to get yourself in the habit. our kids learn from us, obviously...we show them how to react, how to act, etc...so by always just taking your volume waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down to the point of feeling silly it might really help to chill him out. when he's freaking out and screaming/tantrumming, i'd get down on his level and say VERY VERY VERY softly whatever soothing words you usually say. but veeeeerrrrry quietly.

when all else fails, fake it. seriously. pretend to be happy. pretend to be giddy and ecstatic. it helps. really, it does. i can often force myself into a good mood just by pretending to be in one. it's odd, but it works.

you are NOT alone. your child is not abnormal. your reactions are not abnormal. it will get better, mama...hang in there!!! *hug*


----------



## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Just wanna say, hurray for mamaduck! She said everything I would want to only better. You are getting great advice.


----------



## Euromom (Jan 28, 2005)

Sorry about that. Ds #2 started crying and I must of skipped over that bit. Please excuse the comment.


----------



## Delphiki (Dec 13, 2004)

It sounds like the other posters have given some great advice on how to handle your son.

I want to give you advice about you. Can you see a counsler? It could help. What about journaling? When you get soooo angry you are feeling out of control can you write about it? Almost all the time it probably isn't anger. You may think "I'm angry my son is acting this way" and after journaling you may discover it is "I feel desperate when my son throws temper tantrums because I am unsure what my role should be." I do this myself so I'm not telling you "Do as I say not as I do."

Another FABULOUS book for you (and ANYONE) is Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion (or Life depending on what version you get), by Marshall Rosenberg. It helped me see beyond what was going on around me and find the compassion that I was needing. Feel free to PM me if you would like to chat. Being a parent is HARD work.


----------



## TortelliniMama (Mar 11, 2004)

I don't have much time to post, but I wanted to offer a







and offer an experience I had while teaching, in case it's helpful. One year, I had a couple of months where *everything* was driving me nuts. I was so incredibly irritable. I taught kids with autism, so I had quite a few challenges from my students' behavior, and I had an assistant teacher who could be like fingernails on a chalkboard. Obviously, yelling or hitting my students wasn't an option. (Okay, actually, I have worked in a school where that would have been an option.







Fortunately for the kids in this class, those things were totally unacceptable for staff to do in the school I'm talking about now.)

I finally decided to take a tally counter (it's a little metal...uh...thing (helpful description, huh?







) with a button to push, and when you push the button, the counter on it goes up by one; they sell them at office supply stores, I think), and carry it in my pocket all day. Each time I felt my anger rising, I pushed the button. My plan was that I would reward myself at the end of the week based on the number on the counter. Now, I wasn't trying to use behavior modification on myself. If I had, I would have been rewarding myself for lower numbers. No, this was just to try and cheer myself up about the situation. My plan was to do something like go shopping with a budget of the number on the counter times 25 cents, or something like that. (You could also do something like soaking in a tub or reading for the number of minutes that's on the counter, to save money.)

The funny thing was, I never ended up giving myself the reward, because just pushing the button became an incredible relief. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but somehow it was like I was validating my own feelings and saying, "Yes, he/she/this situation is making me mad enough to push the button on the counter," and that actually let off some steam. It also gave me something to do in response to the situation that I didn't have to think about. It was just automatic. Get frustrated, push the button. Over the course of just a week, the number of times I pushed the button each day decreased dramatically.

Like I said, it doesn't seem to make much sense, and it might not help anybody but me. It's just that it made a huge difference to me in a tough situation (not nearly as tough as yours, but still quite difficult), so I thought I'd offer it, and my encouragement. It's very tough to break the cycles of how we were raised!


----------



## Danielsmom (Jul 19, 2004)

Hugs to you, mama. It sounds like you are in a very stressful situation.

I recommend reading this book, When Anger Hurts your kids. I knew I got really angry at my son when he turned 2 and changed from a cherub to a willful toddler. But I didn't know how to go about dealing with my anger in a healthier way. I didn't believe in screaming but sometimes I screamed. And it bothered me. This book really helped. Very practical, not too long.

I also realized that his hitting me (yes, he's a hitter) was just a developmental stage. I tell him it is wrong when he does it but I don't get as upset as I used to over it.

Don't worry about the swearing (his swearing) for now. Just focus on the hitting and on not reacting angrily to the tantrums. With the hitting, it just means repetition of why it's wrong--we don't hit, we give hugs, and give a hug. With tantrums, I know people don't advocate walking away but if you are that angry, sometimes putting your kids in a safe place and walking away is better than spanking or screaming.

I know there are proponents of rewards/consequences. I haven't tried that but it may be helpful for your son. Different strategies work with different kids.

Is there any way you can get out and exercise for yourself? Even a quick jog or walk around the block? I find I'm so much less stressed when I can blow off steam that way.

I agree with the other posters about trying to babyproof some of the other rooms. Why does sewing stuff have to be in every room? It is so much easier to avoid a problem than to deal with a tantrum from a kid seeing a forbidden object and then having a power struggle over it.

Is there a way the whole house could have a no yelling rule? Or, to be more positive, speak in a normal tone of voice rule? I realized my yelling, while a short-term release of tension, did not help at all. It made me feel bad afterwards and upset my son. And it upset our pets. And I didn't even yell that often. But it still bothered me.

I really commend you for trying to get help and to dealing with your frustratiosn with hitting. AS I talk to more and more parents, I'm shocked by how many think hitting is okay, or even, the way to discipline. I think it takes guts for you to say, I don't like how I'm disciplining my son but how do I change? You are one brave mama to say, I'm going to raise my son differently.


----------



## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

Not much time but as someone who works almost exclusively with young children on the Autism spectrum, I don't see any red flags. At his age, sudden tantrums, particularly in response to self-care/independence issues are very common. Selective mutism occurs often among kids on the spectrum but not selective deafness. What happens usually is that children do not understand the language that people think they should at that age (when they are on the spectrum.) What's happening is that while he's do upset, he's not able to listen to anything you have to say, whether it's meant o be a help or you are yelling at him. I would really follow the "don't try to talk about it until he's calmed down some" approach because really, it's a waste of your breath and effort before then. I would try to figure out what will help him to calm down in those times. If he can calm down faster, so can you, and knowing what will help him to calm down will help you not to get upset in the first place, since you'll have some tools to "whip out" when you need them.

The key here is that you recognize what is going wrong and want to change, and that's so important!

How is his communication? What forms does he use (verbal, physical, gesture, etc.)? and how successful are they at getting his message to you? What about your communication to him?

I would also think about something that you and he can do together after either of you has been upset that brings you closer together and helps you to relax. Is there a favorite book or way or snuggling or song you can sing together?

It sounds like you are under a LOT of stress taking care of two children and your mother. I see you are married/partnered - how does your DP feel about what is going on? Have you spoken with him about it? Honestly?

(oh, and I think you need to change the birth year for your older son in your signature - it looks like they are only 4 months apart in age.)


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:

Not much time but as someone who works almost exclusively with young children on the Autism spectrum, I don't see any red flags. At his age, sudden tantrums, particularly in response to self-care/independence issues are very common. Selective mutism occurs often among kids on the spectrum but not selective deafness. What happens usually is that children do not understand the language that people think they should at that age (when they are on the spectrum.)
Thanks for clarifying I didn't want to label and I thought I did read some (I have a friend whos sons austic) but I showed her the post and she confirmed what your saying also.







Her son is big on order like his socks have to be just soo or her has a major melt down and yea he has the muteness (deafness is just kinda attached to that)
My DD has apraxia so shes pretty speech delayed my MIL is convinced shes sustic even though her therpists doctors etc all said uhhh no, ans we don't see a single sign ourselfs but it annoys me to all heck she insists. So if I offended by making the suggestion I applogize.









Deanna


----------



## Jaydedeyz (Jun 23, 2005)

Thanks so much for all the advice mamas. I really appreciate the support and guidance.
He does go outside everyday,anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours [depending on his/his little brother's behavior,weather,etc.]. We go swimming fridays,saturdays and sundays EVERY weekend. [Swimming is an all day thing,with cook outs.] No,there's no one I trust enough to take him [without me] ANYWHERE! He's so unpredictable that I ALWAYS have to be physically available for him [for his protection,and the protection of others around him].
It is not possible to childproof the whole house,I've tried. We live with my mother in her house,there's me,my toddler,my 5m.o. son,my mom,my sister,my sister's son,and DP. All in a 3 bedroom/1 bathroom house. [My mom sleeps on the couch,my sister and nephew share a bunkbed,my toddler has his own room,and my infant bounces from my bed to the couch with Grandma.] We did try containing my mom's sewing materials to one room,her old bedroom [currently his new bedroom]. That didn't work. So I thought that if I can't contain the "harmful things",then maybe I can contain him with the "safer things". I have VERY little control over what happens here. It's not my house,quite simply. I am my mother's only help,so we can't move,and I can't kick her out. My sister works all the time,and when she's not at work,she's at her boyfriend's house. My nephew is a sort of reluctant mother's helper. He'll help me with my toddler,but I have to hear the whining about it. [I hear," Why am I doing this?,He's YOUR son!",EVERYDAY.]
DP is a help,when he's here,but he works 2 shifts for his trucking company everyday [including saturdays],so the only time he's here is when he's asleep.
Sharing a room with me is STRICTLY PROHIBITED. We are a NRA family,and that's the artillary room. The ONLY time my kids are in my bedroom is when they're on the bed with me or DP. Other than that,it's locked and off limits [yes,I carry my bedroom door key around with me all day.][PLEASE don't judge me b/c we own weapons,that's our perogitive,and it is legal. I don't judge you for not eating meat,or being another faith,let's keep the peace PLEASE.]
I do ignore alot of his littler flare-ups [including most cussing] b/c when he notices that it doesn't get attention,he moves on to something else. With the lesser episodes it's not him that I'm having to deal with,it's the rest of the family. I hear alot of "Aren't you going to stop him?","Spank him,or I will,he deserves it.","One of these days somebody's going to teach that boy some hard-learned manners,if you don't.",the list goes on. NO ONE else disciplines my children BUT ME. [I dare someone else to try!] But I still hear these offensive remarks,and that makes things worse on both of us,b/c then I'm in a worse mood,which he picks up on.
I have tried the whispering trick,that doesn't work either,he yells even louder.
I forgot to add last night,he has VIVID night terrors. Not nightmares,night terrors. The horrendously real ones. He woke up just a few minutes ago freaking out over something that was supposedly on the ceiling over his bed. I had night terrors as a child,so I can completely sympathize with what he's going through. Everyone thought I was just trying to get attention,until I tried to hang myself when I was 8 yrs. old. Then I was sent to my first therapist. [Yes,I've been to therapy on and off since I was 8 yrs. old,with recurring bouts of severe depression.] I haven't seen a therapist since before my toddler was born,1: I didn't need one anymore,and 2: I'm terrified that CPS will find that as grounds for taking my children.
I do have an online journal that I update almost every night. It helps me see my areas that need the most work,but not how to deal with them.
Sometimes his tantrums and night terrors are so bad that I have to put him in a submission hold. [No,that's not a wrestling move,it's a safe way to calm down an agressive person. My sister used to care for the mentally disabled, that's how she learned this move. And she had to use this on me when I was little,so now I have to do him the same way.] You sit on the floor,in an open space behind the person,hold their arms in your hands in a cross pattern across their chest,and pin their legs to the floor with your own. Watch out for headbutting! I have to do this atleast once a week,to keep him from hurting hisself. I do softly whisper loving things in his ears the whole time,but he seems to be deaf to me then. So we often sit like this and rock and cry until we both get so exhausted we pass out. Yes,this is necessary,he headbutts the wall until his head bleeds if I don't stop him. [He has a scar between his eyes from that.]
He has not been tested for Aspergers [I don't know what that is,but he's not yet been tested for it]. He actually seems to be worse on the days he get less dairy than usual. Not sure about the gluten,nothing noticible with it one way or the other,yet.
One thing that does drive me nuts some days is that,so far,he's a healthy, normal 2 yr. old. I have volunteered and taken care of the elderly,the physically disabled and the mentally challenged,and I handled them all SO WELL. I am a bottomless pit of patience and understanding with people who I know need it the most [for obvious reasons]. But I guess my standards are too high for my own healthy,able-bodied children. I don't let this affect me around my kids though,it has nothing directly to do with them. But I have made that realization.
Yes I do know what a tally counter is. I don't see it helping me though,as I'm striving for nonphysical ways to cope with my anger. [Physical distractions don't help me much.]
Just so you all know,he's not like this all day,everyday. He's actually a very sweet,intelligent,loving child. He calls me in to his room atleast once an hour every day for kisses and hugs,and after he's had his fill,he's back to playing again. [He prefers to play by himself,so I let him.]
I have explained to him about hitting and kicking the animals,that it hurts their feelings and makes them sad. He told me that he didn't know dogs and cats had feelings,and he loves them. So maybe he got the message.
I'll post more when I can remember it,I'm pretty drained right now. TIA.


----------



## Jaydedeyz (Jun 23, 2005)

OK. Forgot to hit the reply button when I was done,now I have to reply to more posts.
His deafness isn't actual ly being deaf,it's him turning off his ears [conciously or not]. He can hear me,but chooses not to.
The reason there is sewing equipment in every room is b/c we moved it all out of my mom's bedroom,so he could have his own room. So now she has no where for it to go,so she stuffs it in every available corner in the house.
Another reason that this frustrates me so much is that he's actually very good at communicating,both verbally and nonverbally,for a 2 yr. old. If he wants something,he points and calls it's name [or if he doesn't know it's name he asks what's that?,I tell him,then he explains that he wants it]. He surprises many people about how well he communicates,not just his wants and needs,but his thoughts and ideas too. One of his favorite public games is "What's that?". He points in a directions,asks what's that,and I name everything in that direction [right down to the paint on the walls!]. Then he'll point again and name things back to me [specifically]. It's very rare anymore that he can't tell me or show me what he's thinking. And I use simple everyday terms with him [no babytalk here!]. I've never allowed babytalk, or "nicknames" for anything with him [ex







acifier is pacifier,not nani,noo-noo,etc.]. So he's pretty good at telling me [and others] what's going on in his head. He calls all of our animals by names [not here kitty,kitty,it's here Sugar]. I know that sometimes he get's stuck and forgets a word,but that's not nearly as often as with some toddlers I know.
After each tantrum we do have a quiet activity together [such as reading a book,or coloring a picture]. Right now he's really into coloring books and wooden puzzles,so we do those alot.
My DP loves our kids,but he's working 2 shifts in a row everyday,6 days a week to support us. There's not much time with him for any of us. And as far as he's concerned raising the kids is my part of the bargain,and so is the discipline. [He does get involved and correct our son when he's around,but he's not home very much.] We have discussed this,and he pulls his share when he's home,but he's not home often enough for it to seem even. DP was also diagnosed ADHD when he was in grade school,and since it's being linked to heredity nowadays,I don't know what to think about this. I was labeled AG in 3rd grade [tested at an IQ of 134 then]. PLease don't ask me why I'm not a supermom genius,depression and sleep deprivation does this to a person.
OK,I think I'm all caught up now,g'nite mamas!


----------



## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Hmmm... I know you said not to suggest moving, but you might want to keep your eyes open for other poossibilities. I would also suggest trying to set some limits on your mother's behavior.

Good luck.


----------



## Lil'M (Oct 27, 2002)

I know you feel the physical environment in your house is as it needs to be, but the first step for gd for me was to have an environment in my house that didn't require battles all day long. My dd#1 was a real climber and we basically bolted every piece of furniture to the wall and put locks on all the drawers so she wouldn't use them as ladders and get hurt. She could still climb on the couch, climb at the park, etc.

I understand that this is your mother's house, but it sounds like you will all be living there for quite a while, so it is not unreasonable to make some changes so that it is livable for everyone. And your baby will be crawling soon, so having sewing items all over could become a double problem. Can a large portion of the sewing supplies be put in storage (attic, shed, basement, orrented storage facility)? Maybe you could put a desk for her sewing machine and some supplies in your room for her to use when noone is sleeping there. That way, you could have one off limits room and maybe babyproof the rest.

I don't exactly know what it means to be an NRA family. Does that mean all of your firearms must be in the house? Can they also get stored locked up in an attic, shed, basement, or storage facility? Because if you could give your mother her own room and really insist on containing the sewing supplies, and your room was safe for your son to be in, then he could have space in your room and the rest of the house.

I think it is wonderful that you are taking responsibility for helping your mother, but you already have responsibility to your children and it sounds like they and you need changes to be made in the house.

Your son's behavior and your frustration sound really normal to me. My dd#2 is a very intense, high needs child and at age 4 1/2, we still sometimes get major tantrums. But having a safe place for her to tantrum and for me to be able to stay nearby but not so close when she gets physical, really helps. If you could get your physical environment to work for you, it will probably help deal with this very normal but stressful stage in development.


----------



## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I will be blunt. What you describe is the most child-UNfriendly environment that I can imagine. Your son's living environment is not safe for him, and it is not designed in a way that will help him to thrive. No wonder he is acting out! And soon your 2nd child will be in the same situation.

If your mom needs you to be there, then you need to demand more control over the situation. Radical changes need to be made in the structure of your living arrangements. Your son's world is severely limited and he encounters power struggles which enrage him at every turn. He needs a freer environment MORE than your mom needs to sew. More than your DH needs guns. And just as much as your mother needs a caregiver.

Can your sister move out?

Your mother needs a sewing room. Period. You both need to sort her stuff and put as much as you can in storage.

If you cannot create space for sewing AND space for guns.... then the guns need to go into storage as well. I will not jump on your case about the guns themselves, but if they are taking priority over the needs of your child, and YOUR NEED for SANITY and PEACE -- then I will critisize the need to store them in your bedroom.

If your household makes an effort to adopt a GD way of dealing with your children, then you needn't fear other members disciplining your children. Discipline need not be shaming, fearful, harsh, etc... If you all truly learn to use GD - then the other members of the family can be of support to you in this effort.


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

:

Deanna


----------



## Jaydedeyz (Jun 23, 2005)

Yes,I am keeping my eyes open for moving possibilities [inspite of my mother needing my care].
No,she will not cooperate and split up her sewing materials between in the house and storage. [I've tried.]
My room is not an option for any changes,until we move out. There is 2 dressers in my double-sided closet,plus an armour,an entertainment center [no bashing please!],a night stand,and the bed. That,along with our clothes that won't fit in the dressers,and other materials [including the guns] is a pretty full room. The full sized bed takes up just about the whole room by itself,there's a 1ft. wide walkway in there.
The guns do not take priority over my children [and I am offended by that thought]. Being an NRA family does NOT mean they have to be in the house,but to keep them from being stolen [we are in a thief prone area],they are kept in one room in the house [mine].
I need my space sometimes [don't we all?]. And my space is my bedroom,my children are not in there without my permission and supervision. It is not an option to change this,since we can't afford the cost of storage facilities in our area.
I do understand that my son needs more free space,so do I. And until we can afford to move,and/or my mother dies,there's not much room for change around here.
My sister is in the process of finding her and her son a home of their own. If her and him move,then me and my 3 move,that will put my mother here alone. Not an option.
She wants a home of her own. So do I. I don't want to live with my mother for years to come. I want a home of my own,where I make the rules and control the environment. But until that's possible [and that's not likely to be soon],then I have to deal with what we've got.
Just because I don't condone or approve our living situation doesn't mean we can just move out. That's not yet an option. When it is,then we will.
I thank you all for your advice. I am looking for advice and support here,not criticism,and I thank all of you who have given me advice.


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

just sending a prayer. We moved in with my MIL for 6 months after my DH lost his job and we had nothing. It was a horrible situation for my dd but for a while we were stuck. By Gods grace we were able to find a place that worked with us on rent for a few months and waved the move in costs that along with some financial help froom my parents and a two neew jobs (part time) from my DH and one parttime from me, allowed us our freedom.
Hope your situation improves soon.

Deanna


----------



## mamakay (Apr 8, 2005)

Could you put most of the sewing stuff in your bedroom?


----------



## traceface (Feb 17, 2003)

I really agree with mamaduck about the very child-unfriendly environment. But since you say that you say that not planning to change that in a major way, I'd suggest you get some open book shelves (that you can attach to the walls, you know) and put them up really high on the walls, going all the way around the room. you can store the sewing stuff up there, maybe sort them into smaller bins so they'd fit? If your mother is against any re-organization, you've got to make her see that that's part of the deal of your being there with her.

I know it'd look pretty cluttered, not feng shui in the least -- but at least your son could move around the rest of the house safely. He's probably just curious what's going on in the other rooms, what everyone is up to! he just wants to be a part of it all.


----------



## PatchyMama (Dec 6, 2002)

Could you possibly move your bedroom into your son's and you 2 share a room? Then put the sewing stuff in the room with the guns. Even if all of it doesnt fit it would probably get a lot of it out of the way.


----------



## Kylix (May 3, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama2kyla*
Could you possibly move your bedroom into your son's and you 2 share a room? Then put the sewing stuff in the room with the guns. Even if all of it doesnt fit it would probably get a lot of it out of the way.

I was just about to suggest this. This seems like it might solve some of the childproofing problems. Then you could have a lock to the one room with the guns and sewing equipment--two things he shouldn't be getting into.

Kylix


----------



## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

I think the above suggestion is a great one too -- I think your son definately needs more room to explore and to live...
Also, I don't know what kind of guns you have, how many etc...but you could hang any bigger guns (shot guns etc) high up (unloaded) on the wall where your son had no way of reaching and purchase a safe for the smaller guns -- my best friend is a police officer with 2 small boys and the safe she has for her guns, boy, you can't even get through with a sledge hammer -- that way your son would have your room at least too, to roam freely in?

Just a suggestion...


----------



## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

I noticed you mentioned sometimes your 5 m.o. sleeps with your mom on the couch. Please don't let her do this, it is extremely dangerous. A baby can get trapped between the cushions, with diasterous results. A co-sleeping baby should only sleep with the parents in a bed.

http://evalillian.com/SafeCoSleeping.aspx








To you. I hope the other's ideas help you.

~Nay


----------



## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

What kinds of containers do you and your family use to store the guns, ammunition, and the sharp sewing-related objects? Is it possible to child-proof those containers? Can they be in locked secure metal boxes with keys? I don't know if that will make it easier for your child to move around the apartment, but I can't even imagine the stress of this situation for you. Can your mom's sewing machine, scissors, needles, etc. be locked up when not in use? I recall that my grandma's old sewing machine locked, but the new ones might not work that way.

I understand that you don't have control over your own home environment, because you are honoring your mother and taking care of her. You also can't control your mom's behavior. It's terrible to read that your family is creating these unsafe and stressful situations for your child and then demanding that you spank him when he can't behave well under these adverse conditions. If I were in your shoes I would find it difficult to have patience with any of them. I wish I had something more helpful than that to offer you.









I wonder about sleep. Does your two year old get enough sleep? Does he still nap? They always seem to freak out worse when they don't get enough sleep.


----------



## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Here's a thought. Give your mother a serious ultimatum that she needs to put her stuff up or you will throw it out. Yeah, it's her house, but this is her grandchild and it sounds to me just from reading your posts that she is part of the problem. Does she really need you there, or are there other ways to get her the assistance she needs? If she needs you more than you need her, then I would be pretty strong about it. If not, then I would still "lose" the stuff if anything dangerous was around your child. She's putting her needles ahead of her grandson, and that's not right. If throwing it out seems too outrageous, you could simply put it away for her all the time, and then forget where until your son is a year or two older.

I know, don't flame me, but desperate situations call for desperate measures.


----------



## Jaydedeyz (Jun 23, 2005)

OK,more explanations.
This is a house,not an apartment [less that 900 sq.ft. though].
My mom is not putting her sewing materials before her grandchildren,but thew sewing materials are pretty much all she has left! She got rid of most everything else she owned [besides her clothes] when we moved in,to make more room for us. So that's why she's so unwilling to part with it [any of it].
My son does occasionaly sleep on the couch with her,but not how you're thinking of. I have a portable bassinet,and the bassinet itself [minus the stand] sets on the couch next to her [she sleeps in a semi-reclined position, due to breathing difficulties]. So no,there's no hazard of her rolling over on him,or him getting trapped between the cushions,etc. [I am smarter than this ladies! Honest!]
We have considered moving the sewing materials to my bedroom,but that won't work. If you remember one of my previous replies,I mentioned already that we have a 1 ft. wide L shaped walkway in my bedroom,that's all the free space we have! The rest of my room is literally piled up nearly to the ceiling with our things that we don't want to be stolen. We did look at gunracks for the walls,but our walls are nothing but sheetrock and paint. They won't even hold the medicine cabinet over the bathroom sink [it's on a stand of 2X4's on top of the sink].
As for the bookshelves idea,we've already tried that too. He climbs to the top!So,needless to say,they went out of here.
As for the feng shui comment,my house's about as anti-feng shui as it gets! Everything's so cluttered,piled and extremely disorganized that it's pathetic! Our living room [and my bedroom] look like dump trucks are just unloading boxes and plastic totes full of stuff everywhere! It's horrible. This is the kind of clutter you'd expect to see from people who've just moved in,not people that have been living here for years.
Me and DP are looking around our area at storage facility prices now,but so far it's not looking optimistic. We need ATLEAST a 10X10 [preferably a 10X15] storage space. We can't afford to be spending the extra 100.00's a month on that just yet. But when we can,we will be [hopefully soon!].
Yes,I know my mother's house is very non-child friendly. I grew up here too. There was no one but me and her here then,so it was managable. But now,it's just crazy.
I know that my son's just curious,and want's to be where all the action's at. And we accomodate him as safely as we can during the day,but in the afternoons,while I'm doing laundry,or cooking dinner,or whatever,I can't risk him getting hurt in the livingroom while I'm busy on the backporch. So,for his safety,and my peace of mind,he's confined to his room until I'm available for supervision again. I tried getting my mother to watch him for me while I cook,cleam,etc. but that didn't work. He's too strong for her,and whenever he's getting into/on top of something, she cusses and reaches for the flyswat. So that won't work either.
It's not possible for us to share a bedroom with our son. We tried him sharing his room with my mom [and her materials were in the closet,locked],but he was so territorial,and into everything [including her dresser] that we had to move her out of there.
We were in the process of buying a gun safe small enough to fit into our closet,until we found out how much it weighs. That thing was close to 500lbs! The floor would cave in! This house was made in the 1940's,and it's not as sturdy as it should be.
The guns are in gun cases,carry pouches,and there are a few too big/awkward shaped to fit in anything,so they're behind my armour,against the wall. The ammo's in steel ammo cases in the top of our closet. The sewing materials are in various shapes and sizes of plastic storage totes,all around the livingroom. The gun cases and ammo boxes are locked,but the plastic won't withstand a lock,it'd crack if we tried to drill holes in it.
My mom has 2 sewing machines one's a portable,table top version,it locks. The other's the kind that folds out of a table [it's build into the table],and it doesn't lock. How do you lock a table?
My son get's ATLEAST 7 hours of sleep every night [I know that's not the recomended amount,but that's as much as he'll sleep in one stretch]. He absolutely refuses to take naps anymore,that's a BIG power struggle. I even tried rewards,and napping with him,neither work. He just refuses to sleep during the daylight hours. I guess he doesn't want to miss out on anything.
I don't believe in flaming people,b/c you can never really tell a person's true intentions online,but are you nuts?! Give my MOTHER an ultimatum?! I think not! I have more respect for my elders [especially my mother] than that. I am here b/c she needs me,I'm not here to boss her around,threaten her,or take control. I will not "lose" or "misplace" her things. That is not only disrespectful,but just plain wrong. I'd be mortified if she ever did this to me. We will solve these problems,without threats,ultimatums,or lies.
She has 1 other alternative to us living here,a home health care worker. A stranger who comes into her home 2-3 times a week to boss her around and then leave her alone. My mother's already had 2 bad falls in less that 2 years [neither were related to clutter!]. She has bad circulation in her feet and legs,and that causes mobility and balance issues. So a person who stops by a couple times a week to make sure she's still alive will not be sufficient. She needs someone around the clock to help her [and a nursing home's out of the question!]. My mother worked at 4 nursing homes close to us over a span of 10 yrs.,and she has already stated that she will not live in one,and she will kill herself if we try and make her. She has seen what goes on when no one's looking,and it's absolutely sickening. I used to go to work with her,so I've seen it myself. After she retired from that she went into private duty nursing [home health care working]. She stayed with 1 person at a time,from 7am to 9pm,everyday. She cooked,cleaned,did their laundry,changed their bandages,etc. She was extremely attentive,the kind of care only a mother can give. And when that person was admitted to a home,or passed away,she found another person to work for. I used to go stay with her at these patient's houses and help her work,so she taught me pretty much everything about caring for the elderly. But we both know that if she get's a hospice nurse,they won't stay with her around the clock,or even all day. They won't cook for her,or clean for her. They take your stats,administer your meds,ask questions,and leave. There are no other options suitable to her needs,that's an acceptable agreement. If there was,I wouldn't be here. Not b/c I don't want to be,but b/c there's just not enough room.
My mother has taken care of me my whole life,for 17 yrs. [before I met DP]. Now it's my turn to take care of her,for what time she has left. Her doc's sending her in a few months for gastric bypass surgery,hernia removal,and a bladder tack,all at once. So she's going to need me more than ever shortly.
We have found a nice 3 bed/1 bath rental in a county about 45minutes away from here,for almost 500.00's a month. No guarantees that we'll get it [DP had bad credit before we met,and I have no credit]. But I'm hopeful.
One of my greatest fears is waking up one morning and finding her dead on the couch. I have nightmares about that almost every night. I don't know what I'll do without her,she's my mom. You can't go out and buy a new one you know. I never got to meet either of my grandmas,or grandpas,all 4 were dead before I was born. so I want my kids to be with and around my mom as much as possible,in the hopes that they have memories of their grandma. I take lots of pictures too,everyday. That's the other reason why moving out is just not acceptable to me,besides the finacial side,and her needing me.
So think whatever of me you will ladies,I'm trying my hardest to make the best of a situation that isn't going to change. The situation won't change,but the components of it can. That's my goal. I hope you all understand me better,if not,sorry. I tried.


----------



## Lil'M (Oct 27, 2002)

It sounds like you are trying to make your living situtation work as best as you can and want other ideas for helping your son in a gd way. What works for me is to figure out what times of day or situations are most difficult, and then coming up with specific solutions for each. For example, if making dinner in the late afternoon/early evening is difficult with your son, can you put together a lasagna or one-dish casserole, etc. the night before when he is sleeping and then just pop it in the oven before dinner, freeing up late afternoon to take him outside and burn off some energy? I've found with my kids that they really need me by late in the day, especially when they have stopped taking naps.

If you describe some specific situations, maybe we can come up with some creative solutions.

Hang in there! You are in a demanding situation but there is always a way to use gd and your son will truly benefit.


----------



## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Hiya there -- another thought I just had... I know you don't have a lot of room... we don't either...my husband and I are both musicians and he has a lot of recording equipment that when our daughter is old enough... would probably either break or electrocute herself with!! I know you don't have a lot of money, but what we did was get this big wooden armour type thing -- technically it isn't "furniture" -- it would be found in the utility section of Target or something... like the garage section... but it is presentable enough to put in a living room etc.... my husband put a big ol lock on it too.... and it was only like 50-60 bucks I think (the cabinet, not the lock!) ...

Maybe you could do that to put your mom's sewing stuff in... at least her "essentials" and store the rest in a place your son can't get to -- the one we has holds a lot of stuff...

Good luck to you!!


----------



## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Hey, no offense intended. That's just what I would do with my mother if she had the sorts of things all over the house that you described. I don't think I'm nuts, I just have a different perspective than you do. That's one of the great things about these boards, is that you can get all kinds of brainstorming ideas from strangers who don't know you or your situation or your relationship with your mother.

Personally, I would not hesitate to issue an ultimatum or hide the stuff that was potentially dangerous to my child to create a more child friendly environment. That's just me.

Good luck! I'll go ahead and unsubscribe to this thread, so if you need to reach me you can PM me.


----------



## adensmom (Aug 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *inezyv*
Personally, I would not hesitate to issue an ultimatum or hide the stuff that was potentially dangerous to my child to create a more child friendly environment. That's just me.

Gotta agree with this one. I had to live with my mom and dad on and off when my ds was younger. It was never a wonderful way to live but it was better than being on the street. My dad and I have always had a difficult relationship, he was very emotionally abusive when I was a kid, he had some mental problems. When my boy was about two and getting into everything and just being two, my dad made an offhand comment about spanking him, and I told him in no uncertain terms that he would get a two by four across his head, courtesy of me, if he ever touched my boy. I meant it too. And he respected that very much. BTW, no my dad is in no way frail. He's 6 foot 4 and weighs 270. I would have to have a two by four to make a point with him. Anyway, I would do anything, anything to make a safe environment for my child, at the expense of anybody. I am the epitome of a mama tiger, I love him more than anyone and everyone knows it, and they don't seem at all bothered by it.


----------



## Jaydedeyz (Jun 23, 2005)

OK,another update.
Thanks for the idea Captain Crunchy. I'll look and see what I can find [never thought to look in the garage area of the stores].
Lil'M,there are no specific situations,per se. It's pretty much a time bomb every day as to when and how he'll explode. He absolutely refuses to nap,unless we're in a moving vehicle. So I think if,somehow,I can re-establish naps for him,that would greatly help. He's usually playing quietly in the afternoons while I'm making dinner. He seems to be calmer in the afternoons. His worst times are up during the day,and in the late afternoons [after 7-8pm]. For some reason those are the high tension times of day for us.
I have an announcement:
WE'RE MOVING!!!!
By the end of Oct. hopefully. We've found a nice house for rent not too far from my mom's place that will be great for our family,and we'd have awesome neighbors too! This is a VERY pet/kid friendly are [my landlady has 4 kids,so does her sister,and their cousin,all in this one area!]. So I'm thinking this will be great for us,atleast until we can find something to buy.
My mom has been working like mad in this house cleaning up and reorganizing everything while we've been out house hunting all weekend. She understands how important it is to have a safe child environment,but she can't very well go through her stuff to organize it if he's in here crawling through it all! So while we've been riding all over the NC countryside looking us another place she's been sprucing up this one. It's less cluttered than before,not drastically so,but definately improved from when I first posted this. She's decided that sense we'll be moving soon she doesn't have to get rid of too much,just stash it until we're out. Then she'll take my old bedroom and make it her sewing room. Everybody wins!
He'll have lots of close aged children to play with everyday,plenty of room to run in [3 acres open],and we'll ALL have the space we need for peace and safety. [There's even a 3rd bedroom in the other end of the house that'll be perfect for a storage room for the guns and breakables.] This will workout just perfect for us,for now. And it's ready for us to move into today [although we don't yet have the whole deposit]. She said she won't hold it for us until she has the whole deposit,so we may or may not get it by this coming weekend. I hope we can get it though. This will be such a big improvement for everyone involved. Wish me luck!

Note to viewers:
I have PM'd an apology to inezyv for hurting her feelings,although I stand firm in my postings.


----------



## Dodo (Apr 10, 2002)

Congratulations on finding a new place! Most of the issues you have been struggling with seem to have very little to do with Gentle Discipline and everything to do with Mindful Home Management. Have you checked out that forum?


----------



## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jaydedeyz*
I hope you all understand me better,if not,sorry. I tried.


I bet you feel better now that you've unloaded some of that anger and stress.









None of us are looking down at you, criticizing you, or think you're stupid, or that you should send your mother down the proverbial river. I typed my "don't let the baby sleep on the couch" comment because I genuinely care about all babies--even ones I wouldn't recogzine in a one man lineup.

~Nay


----------



## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jaydedeyz*
OK,another update.
...I have an announcement:
WE'RE MOVING!!!!

Great!









~Nay (who has a habit of posting replies before reading the entire thread.)


----------



## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Um, I unsubscribed from this thread, but the OP asked me to view it again. Thanks for the apology for calling me "nuts" etc, but my feelings are not hurt in the slightest bit by the OP's comments.

I think our posts speak for themselves. I would handle the situation very differently from the way OP chose to handle it.

The OP has a different view. That's her choice. We are different people with different families and different perspectives. I understand that. Good luck!


----------



## Euromom (Jan 28, 2005)

I've been thinking about you a lot today, Jaydedeyz. So glad to hear your news!!!








I had another brainstorm... Have you thought about putting tinfoil or blackout curtains over the windows of ds room? My ds sleeps much better/longer since we got curtains and blinds-almost 12hrs.. If your ds is having a meltdown at 7 or 8 maybe it's a signal that he's really tired. My ds fights it tooth and nail and gets major hyper then crashes. He could stay up past us if I don't stick to his routine. Also he was having freakouts when his blood sugar would drop--he doesn't ever ask for food. I have to constantly offer it. Some other mamas sugested a snack tray.
Anyway, just some more ideas from another mama trying to stay calm when I feel like







Hope this isn't repetative.


----------



## Jaydedeyz (Jun 23, 2005)

THanks again for all the advice,it is helping my situation ladies,promise! [Even if the ideas don't work,just knowing that there are other caring moms helping me through the stress IS a help!]
I'm finding very little of the advice repetitive,so that's a good thing [I get easily bored with repititions].
No,I have yet to venture into the Mindful Home Management forum,since it's not MY home I'm trying to manage,and it's not under MY control. But since we'll be moving into our own place soon,I'll be frequenting it now!
Dear Nay. I apologize to all readers and posters if I seemed to be taking out my frustration on you ladies,I honestly didn't intend to. I am extremely stressed out,and I do have a tendency to snap recently,but I meant no offense by it.
As for the baby on the couch thing,I know you were only speaking up b/c you care,I care about my children very much,and wanted to let you know that as well.
As for inezyv. We have PM'ed back and forth quite a few times since our misinterpritations,and everything's clear now. She's right,we are VERY different mamas,with very different ways,but no less loving or caring. I just have a habit of trying to be more calm and understanding of others. And while she is also very calm and understanding,she's also not afraid to jump someone over her babies either. [You go Mama!] But in spite of our different ways,I do appreciate her posts and ideas,simply because she IS so different from me. It's nice to see how someone who's nothing like me would react to my situations.
Actually,Euromom,I have tried using dark curtains in my son's room. They didn't last 1 full night. He was curled up in them by morning,on the floor. Maybe there's something else I can cover the windows with though...? We have used clear plastic in the winter before to cover the windows [saves on energy leaks]. But that doesn't block any light. Any more ideas on alternative window coverings? Something kid safe?
He only asks for food when he sees others with it,but never when he's hungry and doesn't see it. I have iron-deficiency anemia,and therefore need a little snack every 3-4 hours,around the clock to keep my blood balanced. And I have noticed similar signs in him,I give him snacks with me,and it seems to help. The only meals we have around the house are breakfast and dinner,the rest of the day is nibbling when needed. This works best for us,since we both have to eat a little something frequently through out the day. [Doctors are actually advising this as a healthy diet plan nowdays,to keep from being so hungry that you binge during your regular 3 a days].
Again,I thank you all for all of the support and advice.
I have a friend on MDC who thinks I'm being TOO polite in my postings. Is that a bad thing to you ladies? I think as long as I'm being honest,politeness is a good thing. There's no excuse to not be polite to me,short of a life and death situation. Anyways,thank again!


----------



## Vito's Mommy (Jan 19, 2005)

The best advise I can give due to experience, is get out of the house every-every-everyday. Fresh air for a couple hours will make a tremendous difference in how both of you interact and will lift your anger.


----------



## Euromom (Jan 28, 2005)

Hi Jaydedeyz,
Hope you are doing well. Just to follow up your question about the windows...a cheap quick solution to block out the light might be tin foil . Also, I was reading some info on sleep issues and toddlers (since we struggle with our ds in this area) and they mentioned some good tips like... staying consistant with your night time ritual as well as keeping it to around 15min (?)--which I had never heard before. The article talked about sleep deprivation being a common thing for toddlers to struggle with. They said toddlers need around 12 hours of sleep. I know every child is different, but I think this has also been a factor in my ds's 'meltdowns'.
Anyway, thought I'd pass this info on to you. If you'd like the link, let me know.


----------



## Jaydedeyz (Jun 23, 2005)

New update. We didn't get the place. I'm so miffed about this,I can't go into details. THe landlady told DP the day after we were out there that they were waiting until the end of the month to decide who rents it. Then,2 days later DP calls them back,and found out that they had already rented out to another person who,apparently,moved in the SAME DAY they told us about the waiting to decide.







:










































:
I guess it's a good thing that we found out they're like this BEFORE we moved in. Well,back to home hunting. Wish us luck!


----------



## FireWithin (Apr 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jaydedeyz*
Actually,Euromom,I have tried using dark curtains in my son's room. They didn't last 1 full night. He was curled up in them by morning,on the floor. Maybe there's something else I can cover the windows with though...? We have used clear plastic in the winter before to cover the windows [saves on energy leaks]. But that doesn't block any light. Any more ideas on alternative window coverings? Something kid safe?


After getting a very bright street light installed outside our window, we started using a dark flannel sheet cut to the size of the window. It is "installed" with duct tape! :LOL
Not terribly attractive, but cheap and easily removable and re-attachable.


----------



## mamaGjr (Jul 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *michelemiller*
i agree with the PP's...keeping him in one room is probably not helping, but i do understand why you've felt the need. maybe for now you can just expand it to one MORE room that is available to him? focus on childproofing one more room and see if that helps matters. childproofing an entire home WHILE taking care of 2 kids might get overwhelming, so take it in baby steps.

about the rest of it - i think that it boils down to everybody feeling stressed and angry, which is of course understandable. even the most patient of people (NOT me LOL) get frustrated with 2yo behavior. sometimes they act crazy. i think the best thing for you to do is the opposite of your instincts. LOL i know that sounds stupid, but it works for me. when i want to yell, i whisper. it's easy for my 2yo to ignore me when i'm screaming but if i whisper he ALWAYS quiets down so he can hear what i'm saying. really, i think that you need to take the volume waaaaay down...even unnaturally low at first just to get yourself in the habit. our kids learn from us, obviously...we show them how to react, how to act, etc...so by always just taking your volume waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down to the point of feeling silly it might really help to chill him out. when he's freaking out and screaming/tantrumming, i'd get down on his level and say VERY VERY VERY softly whatever soothing words you usually say. but veeeeerrrrry quietly.

when all else fails, fake it. seriously. pretend to be happy. pretend to be giddy and ecstatic. it helps. really, it does. i can often force myself into a good mood just by pretending to be in one. it's odd, but it works.

you are NOT alone. your child is not abnormal. your reactions are not abnormal. it will get better, mama...hang in there!!! *hug*


Your advice is so right on (at least in our situation) I can't tell you how powerful the whisper is esp compared to yelling - it is truly amazing!


----------



## Jaydedeyz (Jun 23, 2005)

I've devised a new way of diverting attention from the pre-meltdown phase to something else. A KISS! Seriously! He'll get all red in the face,preparing for a full on blow out,and I'll grab hold of his head,with his ears in between my thumbs and index fingers [not painfuly!],get nose to nose with him,look him right in the eye [amidst MUCH protesting!],and then jump on his forehead with a big slobbery kiss. IT WORKS! By the time I'm done smooching every inch of his face we're both laughing and usually move onto a tickle fest or cuddle. I have no idea why this NEVER occured to me before. What's the best way to mkae up with a loved one after a fight? A KISS! What's the best way to mend hurt feelings with a family member? A KISS! And when I feel about to throttle my toddler what's the best diversion for both of us? A KISS!!
I am feeling like such a knot head for not figuring this out sooner. I came on to this right at the WORST [make that the BEST] moment too. We were having a yelling contest [which are fewer and farther between,BTW] and I grabbed him,as earlier mentioned [again,NOT in a painful or hurtful way,but attention-getting],and as I got face-to-face with him,about to speak softly [in an attempt to cool the mood] I got the urge to kiss him instead,so I did! After I looked at him again he had the most confused look on his face [a "what just happened?",look],and then I started laughing at his expression, which made him laugh at my laughing,which quickly turned into a game of "who has the silliest laugh" [ever played?]. And it didn't hit me until later on that this is a GREAT diversion tactic for both of us. [It works similarly to the "fake being happy" trick mentioned before here.]
Just wanted to share my shiny new pearl of wisdom and fun experience with parenting enlightenment with you all. When you feel like crying,laugh instead,it's more fun!







:

Note: It doesn't look too good when you laugh with your eyes closed and type at the same time. People might think you're tupid. :LOL


----------



## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

Am I the only one who thinks it's strange to suggest getting tested for Aspergers? I don't think there's anything unusual about sudden tantrums, regardless of what other problems there might be here, and I've yet to hear of a toddler who will isten to "logic" during a tantrum.


----------



## Lil'M (Oct 27, 2002)

I have to remember how well a kiss worked and try it the next time I'm losing my temper! I also need to remember to use humor also to lighten the mood and distract us all. Thanks!


----------

