# Would you lock your 2yo out of your room for a TO and then make him promise?



## Ophelia (Feb 16, 2005)

(TO = time-out)
This is what DH did last night and I'm so upset about it. I was downstairs trying to clean up from dinner, they were upstairs in the bedroom. I heard DS crying, so went upstairs to find him locked out in the hallway, trying to get back into the bedroom and crying. I don't think he had been out there that long, but who knows how long it would have been had I not intervened. So I tried to open the door, then DH comes to the door and I asked what he was doing. Said DS kept pinching him and wouldn't stop after he asked him to stop several times. Yes, of course a child should not be allowed to pinch, I agree with that.
So when DS didn't stop, he locked him out of the bedroom, then when I was there and he opened the door, he told DS again not to pinch and said 'promise you won't do that again'. ???? What??? I told DH that that is not fair to DS, he is 2yo, doesn't even know what the word means so it is not fair to make him promise something he doesn't understand. He completely ignored me and just kept saying the phrase over and over and over again until DS finally said 'sure' (his yes) so he could get back into the room and probably just so his dad would stop asking him that!

I just don't know what to do in cases like this and it seems to happen a lot, and is getting worse as DS gets older. I have an extremely hard time talking to DH about things like this before they happen, we disagree on so many things that things don't really get resolved, and I/we have been in counseling for over a year (mostly me, he refused to go for a while saying I was the sole problem).


----------



## shantimama (Mar 11, 2002)

Is there a way you can help your dh learn what it is appropriate to expect of a two year old - and some effective GD techniques to help your little one learn what is acceptable behaviour in your home? Some people just don't have the experience or knowledge about little ones to know what to expect and how to help them learn. Something like The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears might be helpful.

Locking your 2 y.o. in the hall wasn't the greatest idea - but it is a better approach than many people take of pinching back to "teach them what it feels like." Maybe your dh needed to take a break and cool himself off before he handled things with your little one. I know that I sometimes need a moment of space from a child who has physically hurt me before I am ready to continue on with things.


----------



## Ophelia (Feb 16, 2005)

He won't read books. Or he'll read the first chapter and that's it. I just started Scream-Free Parenting and really like it so far. I think we can both get better at parenting with it's suggestions. If my buttons are pushed, like when DS drops food on purpose, I tend to yell but I don't want to and am trying to change that.

And I really don't think he put DS in the hallway for a break, I think he did it to 'teach him a lesson'.

He obviously won't listen to me either. So if he won't listen to me, or read books, or we can't talk about it, I'm not sure what to do.

And I have seen him 'pinch him back' so he's done that too







There are just so many things he does that tells me that he does not understand kids behavior in general. I have also mentioned to him before to look at it from DS's perspective, but most of the time I think he forgets or doesn't care.

Thanks


----------



## kittyhead (Oct 28, 2005)

ahhh... well. the other day i shut my two year old out of my room for a few minutes when he wouldnt stop clawing at my eyes. i felt like a jerk and a bully, but i had a cold and was tired and i felt like i was going to seriously loose it and start screaming if he didnt stop hurting me and i needed him to get away from me for just a second. i covered my head with a pillow and took a bunch of deep breaths and then i went out and apologized and we went on with our day. im certainly not advocating locking up two year olds who hit/pinch/scratch (and i hope nobody jumps on me for admitting that i did this







), but is is possible that your husband just needed some space to calm himself like i did?

anyways, im going to keep reading this one to see if i can discover a few more tools to deal with this. my son does not hit often, but when he does it is beyond the point of saying "gentle touches" and stopping him from hurting me... he is fast and strong and he wont stop once he starts.


----------



## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

He won't read, so accepting that, would he be willing to take a parenting class with you? DH and I did this (with the kids designated guardians, actually) and it really helped get everyone on the same page. And it gave us a chance to talk without it being so personal because we could use class cases instead of what was happening in our home. I highly recommend this to anyone who has a difference of opinion.

If he will read a very short, practical book, I recommend "Kid Cooperation" by Elizabeth Pantley. Its reasonably GD but keeps the concept of parental authority which is important to some people. Its also a very easy read.

While a 2 YO is probably not going to get that much out of a time-out, it also probably wasnt' the worst thing he could do either. Certainly locking a child away from you is better than hitting or some other physical action. I've been known to lock myself in the bathroom when it was either that or strike my child. Its not ideal, but sometimes ideal isn't possible.

The promise thing though, that's entirely useless. A 2 YO has no real concept of what that means, and lacks the impulse control to stop even if he wanted to.

The best approach is probably to figure out what starts pinching and change your DH's or your behavior so you avoid the trigger entirely. At 2, its more about prevention of something than stopping it after the fact. That may even mean that you don't leave DH and child together upstairs while you are downstairs until this phase is passed.


----------



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

At times I had to lock myself away for a minute or two to calm myself down when my daughter was being too physical. I will protect myself and that's the least confrontational way to do it. I wouldn't make her promise anything because, like you said, a 2-year-old doesn't even know what that means. And then you lay on this guilt trip of "you broke the promise" if the 2-year-old forgets. But I have told her that I can't just have her bite/hit/pinch/kick me and I'll have to get away if it starts up again.


----------



## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

I have done things almost like this for very egregious, persistent behavior that was making me very upset. What I do differently is explaining very clearly, using positive phrasing as much as possible, and talking about "a second chance" instead of "promising". Like this:

"Ow! No pinching! Gentle touches!" Repeat a kazillion times.

"You keep pinching me, and I don't like it! I am going to sit over here."

"Ow! I see you can't stop pinching me. You need to leave the room until you are ready to be gentle." (If possible, *I* go to a different room instead because that works a little better, but if I'm cooking or something I have to move him instead.) Put child in other room and attempt to fix it so he can't come right back--we don't have lockable interior doors.

Through the door: "We both need a moment to calm down. When we're together again, we'll be gentle with each other."

Regain own composure and listen for child's wails to change from angry to sad. Then, through the door: "Are you ready for a second chance?"

If response is angry snarl and banging on door: "I hear you are still very angry. Let's take another moment to calm down."

If response is "Yes!" or sad sounds: Open door. "Let's start over and be gentle. Would you like a hug? I love you. I do not like being pinched. No more pinching. Okay, let's put these carrots in the pan."

Since about 20 months, my child has been very quickly responsive to a second chance, with about 90% odds of stopping the misbehavior for a nice long while. But this only happens when I take a fairly drastic step to show him the behavior is unacceptable: separate him from me, take away the object he's misusing, drag him out of church, etc. A second chance offered without the drastic step does not "reset" him to different behavior. Your child may vary.


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

I don't mind that he placed a "firm" set boundry between his child and his body. Pinching hurts and having him say I cannot allow you to do this if you countinue I will have to remove you is not a terrible boundry it might not be the only way but its not terrible. What I'd not like is the promise the child 2 thats way to arbutiary.

Deanna


----------



## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

To me this sounds bigger than him locking your Dc in the hallway. this sounds more like your husband refuses to hear any suggestions or learn about age appropriateness.
My Dh is very similar to this. If something like this happend in my home I would, at the end of the day, sit my Dh down and we would go over everything he was thinking, why he thinks it is OK to treat a 2 year old like that and then we wuld go over everything and I would break down his argument that showed him quite precisely why what he is doing or expecting is totally unrealistic.
At the end of these conversations DH usually concedes that what he did was wrong.

Also ..i have been known to say things like: If you don't want to have this discussion with me you can read the books, you can do the research, but until then you must trust what I say as truth and I get to be the final decsion maker b/c you wont do the work.

I know that sounds harsh but honestly my DH (because of his abusive upbringing) has no idea what age appropriate even means.

I will NOT allow him to treat my children callously b/c he wont work hard at being well informed. I draw the line and tell him so.

Good luck with dh!!


----------



## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *octobermom* 
I don't mind that he placed a "firm" set boundary between his child and his body. Pinching hurts and having him say I cannot allow you to do this if you continue I will have to remove you is not a terrible boundary it might not be the only way but its not terrible. What I'd not like is the promise the child 2 that's way to arbitrary.

Deanna

same here.


----------



## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

I see several people have mentioned "age appropriateness", and I wanted to comment on that. Just because a behavior is "age appropriate", doesn't make it Ok. Hitting and pinching is not Ok. I tolerated it when she was not old enough to understand the concept of boundaries, but at 2 years old, and even younger, I began making it very clear that I won't allow myself to be hit, pinched, kicked, bitten, whatever. And yes, sometimes I have made her leave the room. And yes, sometimes I have put a door or baby gate between us.

Not only does this set clear boundaries for what *I* will tolerate, but it also demonstrates ways that *she* can set boundaries for herself. I don't want to model how to be a door mat, I want her to stand up for herself and not be afraid to say "please don't do that to me". So if she sees the people around her communicating in a constructive and healthy way that they prefer someone not do something inappropriate to their body, that's a good thing.

This is not something that I'm a fan of letting them outgrow simply because the behavior is expected for the age group. Physically hurting other people is not Ok.


----------



## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
I see several people have mentioned "age appropriateness", and I wanted to comment on that. Just because a behavior is "age appropriate", doesn't make it Ok. Hitting and pinching is not Ok. I tolerated it when she was not old enough to understand the concept of boundaries, but at 2 years old, and even younger, I began making it very clear that I won't allow myself to be hit, pinched, kicked, bitten, whatever. And yes, sometimes I have made her leave the room. And yes, sometimes I have put a door or baby gate between us.

Not only does this set clear boundaries for what *I* will tolerate, but it also demonstrates ways that *she* can set boundaries for herself. I don't want to model how to be a door mat, I want her to stand up for herself and not be afraid to say "please don't do that to me". So if she sees the people around her communicating in a constructive and healthy way that they prefer someone not do something inappropriate to their body, that's a good thing.

This is not something that I'm a fan of letting them outgrow simply because the behavior is expected for the age group. Physically hurting other people is not Ok.









I couldn't agree more.


----------



## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ophelia* 
And I really don't think he put DS in the hallway for a break, I think he did it to 'teach him a lesson'.

It sounds like this is a lesson that DS needs to learn - that hurting people is not OK, and if you continue to hurt people, they won't want to be around you.


----------



## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

Yeah, I think physical separation is the most effective and gentle way for toddlers to learn that other people/animals are not OK to hurt. I remove toys if you treat them inappropriately by throwing them, and I remove myself if you hurt me -- it's a logical consequence.

The "promise not to" thing is not effective for this age group, but I don't think it is harmful either as long as DH does not get angry later when DS forgets his "promise."


----------



## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
Yeah, I think physical separation is the most effective and gentle way for toddlers to learn that other people/animals are not OK to hurt. I remove toys if you treat them inappropriately by throwing them, and I remove myself if you hurt me -- it's a logical consequence.

The "promise not to" thing is not effective for this age group, but I don't think it is harmful either as long as DH does not get angry later when DS forgets his "promise."

totally agree


----------



## Ofwait (Feb 16, 2008)

Does your DH feel that you undermine his authority? This is what it sounds like to me. Many men who feel undermined are going to react a certain way just to p**s you off, because that their power.

He is the childs father, and I am sure he cares, so some times we need to trust the dads to deal witheir own children as they see fit.


----------



## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ofwait* 
He is the childs father, and I am sure he cares, so some times we need to trust the dads to deal witheir own children as they see fit.

If you're talking about how he changes diapers, or whether he cuts sandwiches straight across or on the diagonal, I totally agree. But what good does it serve the child to have his parents following two totally separate discipline ideals? It's confusing and sends mixed signals.


----------



## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
Yeah, I think physical separation is the most effective and gentle way for toddlers to learn that other people/animals are not OK to hurt. I remove toys if you treat them inappropriately by throwing them, and I remove myself if you hurt me -- it's a logical consequence.

The "promise not to" thing is not effective for this age group, but I don't think it is harmful either as long as DH does not get angry later when DS forgets his "promise."









:


----------



## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Honestly, I think what your dh did was fine. He didn't hurt ds. He went to another room when ds was hurting him, which is a reasonable reaction. He had ds say that he isn't going to pinch him, which is something that I do with my own kids when they hurt someone. Even if the child isn't going to follow through on it, I think it's good for them to say that they're not going to hurt people.


----------



## shantimama (Mar 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
I see several people have mentioned "age appropriateness", and I wanted to comment on that. Just because a behavior is "age appropriate", doesn't make it Ok. Hitting and pinching is not Ok. I tolerated it when she was not old enough to understand the concept of boundaries, but at 2 years old, and even younger, I began making it very clear that I won't allow myself to be hit, pinched, kicked, bitten, whatever. And yes, sometimes I have made her leave the room. And yes, sometimes I have put a door or baby gate between us.

Not only does this set clear boundaries for what *I* will tolerate, but it also demonstrates ways that *she* can set boundaries for herself. I don't want to model how to be a door mat, I want her to stand up for herself and not be afraid to say "please don't do that to me". So if she sees the people around her communicating in a constructive and healthy way that they prefer someone not do something inappropriate to their body, that's a good thing.

*This is not something that I'm a fan of letting them outgrow simply because the behavior is expected for the age group. Physically hurting other people is not Ok.*









I agree too. Just because certain behaviors can be expected to be seen at certain ages doesn't mean they are acceptable. I certainly would not say that anything goes because a child is small and they will naturally outgrow it.

My response is affected by whether or not something is age appropriate behavior. If my 12 year old started pinching me repeatedly I would respond quite differently to my 2 year old doing the same thing. 2 year olds do this as a part of learning what is and is not okay. Physical separation can be a good thing for everyone - for the parent getting hurt to cool down and for the little one to begin learning that when I pinch, mommy or daddy pull away.

Knowing that it is part of the learning process and not automatically assuming that the child is 'being mean or bad' is where the comments about age appropriate behavior come in. Some people don't know what 2 year olds are like - that is where books about child development can come in handy. They expect toddlers or other small children to have the same motivations and abilities as 9 year olds, just in a smaller body







It sets the parent up for frustration and anger and the child up for frustration and confusion.

I am not sure what the OP can do if her partner is not interested in listening to her, reading, listening to others or considering that there may be things for him to learn. Physically separating himself form the child instead of pinching back this time _is_ a step in the right direction. Expecting a child of that age to say "I promise," and understand, remember, and follow through with those words is not going to work. Would he consider reminding the little one each time the pinching starts that "Hey, pinching hurts. We don't do that," and taking some space for a minute each time it happens? Children do learn these things, but it is usually a matter of continual teaching and not just telling and then expecting a child to remember.

Parents often have different beliefs and expectations about parenting and discipline. It isn't always clear who has the best approach. Some parents may have been abused themselves and not have a good idea of what to expect or how to handle things because of their own background - but there are many times when a child who was abused grows up to be an amazing parent _because_ they have had to work so hard at learning what is right for a child. And then there are people who were abused who go too far the other way because they are afraid to ever do _anything_ that might upset their child. Every family and situation is different.


----------



## Friday13th (Jun 13, 2006)

I think my main concern with this situation is, how is your DH going to react when DS doesn't keep his promise? That shows the most lack of understanding of age appropriate behavior, to me. If DH is going to forget about it then try to let it go, making a promise he doesn't understand isn't going to hurt a two year old. But perhaps talk to DH about the fact that DS is, of course, going to break the promise.








Your DH sounds quite frustrating. I don't have any advice on the fact that he won't read or listen.


----------



## feest (May 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
Yeah, I think physical separation is the most effective and gentle way for toddlers to learn that other people/animals are not OK to hurt. I remove toys if you treat them inappropriately by throwing them, and I remove myself if you hurt me -- it's a logical consequence.

The "promise not to" thing is not effective for this age group, but I don't think it is harmful either as long as DH does not get angry later when DS forgets his "promise."











i think you dh did a fine job, he did not yell at her or hit back to "teach her how it feels".

The rule in my house is if you hurt somebody you get removed until u can behave. to come back i need verbal acknowledgment that you won't hurt anyone again, i usually ask "are you ready to be good" or for the older kids they may have to say "i will be nice to others". In my years of mothering I've learned 99% of the time kiddos aren't ready to play gently again until they are willing to say it. Seen it a 1,000 times child keeps hitting, i remove him, he cries kicks and screams bloody murder to get out/be let it i calmly ask if they are ready to play nicely, they scream more beg to be let out etc, and then all the sudden they go quiet and u see their faces change and "I'm ready to be nice" and their back to normal and are ready to play nicely. had i let them out while they were throwing a fit and begging they more then likely would have returned to mistreating others.

Maybe your DH ignored you because you seemed as though you were attacking his parenting and under minding him in front of your daughter ( i know that IRKS the heck out of me














it's fine to disagree but sometimes it's best to wait, I try to never interfere with DH's parenting even if i disagree at the moment. if it's not a huge thing or in some way damaging I find its better to discuss when the LO's are not around.

From what i gather Ur qualm was mostly with your DH making her "promise". while it's not the word i would choose to use i don't think i can hurt and i really doubt your DH will become upset when she fails to keep her 'promise'.
If i was you i would ask that next time he uses a different word because EX: I don't want my ds jaded when it comes to keeping promises, or thinking a promise is something to take lightly etc. i doubt if your reasons are logical DH will rebuke them.


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

I wouldn't/didn't do forced separations for anything with ds. We don't punish, as I (we) think punishments, at best, teach kids to behave for self centered reasons. ("I won't pinch because I don't want a time out" vs "I won't pinch because it hurts people and they don't like it"). It doesn't promote attachment, which imo is the best base for good/effective discipline.

I do not tolerate any hitting, pinching, kicking, etc. Not even in play (for myself. Dp is ok with it in play). Ds went through a couple short phases (a few days to a week) with hitting, but I was happy with the way they were resolved.
I basically did the same type of thing the 2nd and last articles talk about- I was firm with saying "Do not hit me, I don't like to be hit." Then I'd honor the impulse- figure out what he was trying to accomplish, and help him find other ways to accomplish it in a socially acceptable way. So I might say "If you want to get my attention, say 'MOM!!'" Anything to let him know that what he was trying to accomplish was fine, it's just the method that needs to change.

Would your dh be open to reading short articles? Here are some:
The Case Against Time-out

Looking Past the Behavior

Toddler Testing


----------



## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

It sounds like he needed her out of the room for whatever reason, and only he can tell you if that was because he just couldn't take being pinched yet again or if he was using this as a time-out, and though he picked a silly phrase to try to reinforce that violence is not acceptable he didn't do anything that was truly terrible or that many frustrated parents haven't done when they just can't take being hurt anymore. I find that kids can usually pick up what the intention of the phrasing means even if you say it in a way that is very silly and doesn't make sense to adults. Perhaps he meant to say "are you done pinching", that is something you should ask him.

Instead of attacking him in the moment you might find it more effective to talk to him when the two of you are alone to work out a parenting plan. It sounds like he doesn't really mind time-outs and would like to teach your dd not to be violent. Maybe the two of you could reach a compromise on the issues that are important to you and the ones that are important to him. There needs to be some sort of compromise for the two of you to live happily together whether it is one to not interfere with what the other is doing or to choose the issues that are important and the consequences together. Parenting style is one of those issues that can break a family apart especially when both sides are totally unwilling to compromise.


----------



## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
I wouldn't/didn't do forced separations for anything with ds. We don't punish, as I (we) think punishments, at best, teach kids to behave for self centered reasons. ("I won't pinch because I don't want a time out" vs *"I won't pinch because it hurts people and they don't like it").* It doesn't promote attachment, which imo is the best base for good/effective discipline.

And see, I don't think of forced separation as a "punishment". People don't like to be hit. When they get they hit they leave the situation. Or, if someone is in their space, they ask that person to leave (or at least, I would hope so, and that's part of the lesson I want her to learn - not being afraid to say no or ask someone to leave her alone). A punishment for hitting, to me, would be to force the child to do extra chores.. or something.

This is more of a natural consequence, because in our family, you'll end up all alone for hitting people.

And, "forced separations" are not time outs. I don't define an amount of time that she has to be alone in another room. She can come back to the situation at any time, baring the fact that she won't hurt people.

And I also think at this age that the reasoning behind the consequence is a bit much to comprehend. If you hit people and they get away from you, the reason not to hit people is not that you don't want to be alone, it's because it hurts other people. However, repeatedly saying to a child "hitting hurts people" and expecting them to come to the conclusion on their own that it's inappropriate behavior without their being a consequence, is sometimes bit hard to understand.

And I'm not a fan of "punishments". I had to do the most ridiculous things as a kid as "punishment" - like mow the lawn, or do all the dishes, or clean out the shoe closet, or spend the night in my room without dinner. It didn't teach me anything, and I couldn't tell you now what the punishments were for. The one thing I do remember was when my bike got stolen because I left it outside. For all I know my parents could have sold it to teach me a lesson, but it worked. I was supposed to put my bike away, and I didn't, and it got stolen. From that point on I brought my toys in at night because I didn't want anything to happen to them again.

So in terms of "punishments", yeah, useless. But natural consequences? Totally different. And, people not wanting to be in the vicinity of a hitter seems like a pretty natural consequence for the behavior.


----------



## Ophelia (Feb 16, 2005)

Thanks all!

Quote:

it's fine to disagree but sometimes it's best to wait, I try to never interfere with DH's parenting even if i disagree at the moment. if it's not a huge thing or in some way damaging I find its better to discuss when the LO's are not around.
Good point, I will try my best to remember this. Unfortunately I have a horrible memory and have to get into the habit.

For the time-out/locked in the hallway thing, I keep reading here that time-outs, if they are used, are not meant to be separation or abandonment which is the main thing I was thinking, that he banished/abandoned him. But maybe it is different if there is physical hurting?

I think I have mentioned before too that DH threatens DS a lot "if you don't....I will...." and I can't stand it. I try to frame things more positive 'when you do this...then we can...'

Thanks for the short article links, I can send him those via email but not sure if he will read them. Or he will say "I already know all this stuff".

We have had a problem for quite a while now with DS hitting, kicking, pushing, and a few times biting other kids (and us). We do tell him 'no, it hurts, owie" and trying to redirect but it doesn't seem like it's getting through to him. Sometimes when it starts up again I'm afraid of him getting kicked out of daycare.

When they hit, kick, bite, is this a lashing out instincual thing, or do they always learn it from other kids? He has done it both when he is mad and for fun.


----------



## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ophelia* 
For the time-out/locked in the hallway thing, I keep reading here that time-outs, if they are used, are not meant to be separation or abandonment which is the main thing I was thinking, that he banished/abandoned him. But maybe it is different if there is physical hurting?

I think it depends on what the parent is hoping to achieve from the time-out. And, of course, there are wildly differing views about time outs in general here.

For *me*, it was less a "time out to teach child not to hit" and more of a "protect myself and stop being hurt so I don't lash back and seriously hurt kid". This may also have been the reaction of your DH, as I think a lot of men find it really difficult not to physically lash back when they are hurt. In that case, I think depositing child in the hall and locking the door to keep him from coming back at me is a whole lot better than hitting, shaking, screaming or whatever at the child. And sometimes, that's the most we can manage.

I did also use a more traditional time-out with my son when he was preschool age. Like a PP, "if you are going to hit you need to be separated from people you could/will hurt" seems like a reasonable logical consequence that I was comfortable with. In that case I would rarely enforce separation with something as tangible as a locked door. That was more of a "please go to another room until you are calm and can play more gently". If he was unable to do that because he was totally out of control, then I might pick him up and carry him somewhere, then leaving him to calm down. But some of that was knowing that staying with him would only make it worse.

So, parental motivation and the temperament of both child and adult play a part in deciding what is appropriate or not.

OH, and I think hitting / kicking etc. is completely a natural behavior. It isn't necessarily learned from anyone or anything. All animals are aggressive sometimes. Its part of what and who we are.


----------



## LessTraveledBy (Feb 9, 2005)

Even our 3.5 y.o. is not able to "promise" those sort of things. Children live in the moment... Your dh needs to somehow learn what is age appropriate.


----------



## Deer Hunter (Sep 26, 2008)

Obviously, he is only two and two year olds wil not keep their promises. Rather than locking him out of the room, where he could get into stuff and get hurt, how about putting him in his room immediately upon pinching. Children like that have very short attention spans, and an immediate consequence is necessary.

I have a girlfriend who does not believe in spanking under any circumstance. The way she disciplines her three year old is when she does something wrong, she puts her in her room immediately. Every time the child comes out into the hall, my friend calmly escorts her back into her room. Of course the child screams, kicks, and throws a fit. But my friend just ignores that not giving it any attention at all teaching her that that sort of behavior does not get a response. Of course, it takes alot of patience, but yelling and the like wil not work.

How well can he talk? Does he understand that losing a priveledge is the result of a bad behavior. My friend's daughter, that I've told you about is at that stage. My friend takes away something that she loves and explains that this was the consequence for her action. Try it. It works for even the toughest children. It must work if my friend's daughter is the most well behaved. As a matter of fact, she is the most well behaved three year old I know.

You need to tell your husband about this also. He needs to go along with you on this, as consistancy is very important when raising children. It is actually critical. Children need to know that for every bad action, there is a consequence, and it will happen every time. If both parents do not follow the same standards, the child knows this and will minippulate things his way by playing one parent against the other. I hope that I've helped.


----------

