# 5 year old wants me to "find another family"



## junglefamily (May 28, 2005)

ok. my son is almost five, and his brother is almost 3. i stay at home. so...he is very emotional, the five year old. for the past few months he has been freaking out almost everyday if he doesn't get what he wants. the two main things are movies and ice cream. i have tried everything. we took movies away for a long time, but i'm pregnant and we started watching them again so i could rest. we watch one together in the afternoon, and my 3YO falls asleep. but........then all of a sudden my son will start freaking out about wanting to watch a movie ALL THE TIME..all day, one after another. when i limit him and said NO, we watch one in the afternoon, he freaks out and starts throwing things and now he keeps saying "go away, find another family, you are mean, etc" the same thing happens with ice cream we have it sometimes...when he eats well during the day...but sometimes he wakes up and screams for it in the morning, afternoon, at bedtime, etc...and when i say NO, not now, he does the "find another family"thing. so..when he says that i have tried 2 things. i sit down and tell him what it would be like if i wasn't here...what he would have to do (babysitter all day, etc). and he just cries and tries to hit me and runs around freaking out. if i say, ok, maybe we need some time apart and leave him with my husband, usually when i come back an hour later, he's fine...until the next time. any advice on how to respond to "go away, find another family?"


----------



## zeldamomma (Jan 5, 2006)

I would ignore the words your 5 y.o. uses in the middle of a fit. He doesn't mean them, and your reacting to them only makes the situation more emotional. Concentrate on stopping the fits -- what do you think is driving them? Have you read Raising your spirited child ? The book does a great job of helping you figure out your kid's personality, and how best to help them cope with the frustrations of daily life.

ZM


----------



## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

"I know you are mad. I love you." If the fit is too disruptive, remove him to anther room to have it out.


----------



## junglefamily (May 28, 2005)

i guess i worry about why he is saying THAT, but yeah, you're right I will try and ignore him/sayi know you are mad...i guess i always feel that he in someway is right about the situation. that i am being unreasonable.


----------



## IfMamaAintHappy (Apr 15, 2002)

this is a 5 yr old thing I think. Grace wanted me to go live in a hotel. And she even knew which friend she wanted to exhange mamas with!!


----------



## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

I usually respond to the emotion behind the words, not the words themselves. So in your situation I'd just say, "I know you're feeling angry right now. We'll watch another movie tomorrow." and leave it at that -- no need to address the specifics of what he said in anger.


----------



## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *junglefamily* 
now he keeps saying "go away, find another family, you are mean, etc"

"Wow, you sound like you're really angry! You wish you could have movies all day and eat ice cream for breakfast lunch and dinner!"

then leave it.

If you haven't read "How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen..." now is a good time. I found that the ideas in that book really started to work about 4-5.


----------



## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Just say "I'm sorry you feel that way." In a very non-emotional voice. Acknowledge that he feels that way, but don't make a big deal out of it. He doesn't mean it. He's just trying out the power of words.


----------



## junglefamily (May 28, 2005)

thanks everyone. seriously, i have been so upset about this, but it makes sense to respond not to what is said in anger..


----------



## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

My 5yo has been telling me she doesn't love me. She says it in a normal, calm voice - just says she's been thinking about it and realizes she just doesn't love me







It's so hurtful when they say things like that.

As far as your DS, it sounds like he's just frustrated and that's how he's expressing it. You know he doesn't mean it. I agree with acknowledging his frustration and leaving it at that. Don't give in just acknowledge and move on.

But, I also think if it continues, it's ok to put limits on the things he's allowed to say. I finally got so sick of DD telling me she didn't love me that I told her it's fine if she wants to think that but, she may not say it to me again. I told her it hurt me deeply and was unkind and she was not allowed to say hurtful, unkind things to anyone.


----------



## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

It's difficult to hear your child say such things. My 5 yr old does that sometimes. Even though I know it's normal at this age, it still hurts.

I recommend the book: The Secret to Parenting.
Has some good ideas and great insight.


----------



## stiles' mummy (Jan 16, 2005)

My 5 year old does this as well when he's really angry or frustrated with not getting his way or what he wants. He will say " I don't love you anymore, I want a new mommy" I will say in a calm voice "I"m sorry you feel that way, cause I still love you very, very much"

When he's calmed down he always apologies and tells me he didn't mean it.







:


----------



## kennethsmommy (Mar 30, 2007)

whoa, i NEEDED ts thread, my 5yr old ds has been doing this lately and i was going nuts trying to figure out why he was saying these things. kinda seems normal now. but we are trying to work on usung different words.. thanx! great topic!!!!


----------



## mamaveggie (Mar 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stiles' mummy* 
My 5 year old does this as well when he's really angry or frustrated with not getting his way or what he wants. He will say " I don't love you anymore, I want a new mommy" I will say in a calm voice "I"m sorry you feel that way, cause I still love you very, very much"

When he's calmed down he always apologies and tells me he didn't mean it.







:

That's what I started doing. Once my 2.5 told me to go away and that she didn't love me, I said ok and walked out of the room. Not a good move on my part.







She started sobbing hysterically saying not to leave her.


----------



## MommaFox (Jul 21, 2008)

My son told me when he was 4 or so that he wanted to run away. Unfortunately, my Grandmother was on the phone at the time and wanteed to know where he could have possible heard something so horrible.







: I told her that I had to go handle the situation, and hung up the phone. Then I helped my son pack his bag, and asked him what he would do out in the big world. What would he do for food, a place to stay. Wouldn't teh cats miss him? How could he get a job with only his footie pajamas and Floppy Puppy? He decided to stay at home after all. I think all kids go through this. I used to tell my mom that I was really a princess and one day my _real_ mom would come and rescue me.


----------



## MommaFox (Jul 21, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaveggie* 
That's what I started doing. Once my 2.5 told me to go away and that she didn't love me, I said ok and walked out of the room. Not a good move on my part.







She started sobbing hysterically saying not to leave her.

laughup Sorry, shouldn't laugh, but I've done this, too. Sort of got a sick giggle out of it when it happened to ds. I let him scream for about 10 minutes and then we talked about what it would be like if I really left.


----------



## TOmomma (Oct 19, 2003)

Yeah, I get the added bonus of "I want to live with daddy" from my 6 yo as I have custody of our kids. I let it all just wash over me. I figure it's going to go on for years so I may as well get used to it.
I hate you
I wish you were dead (until I explained if I were dead I couldn't come back again - that stopeed that one!)
I really want to hit you (better than actually hitting me)

Oh joy.


----------



## Pancakes (Jan 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *junglefamily* 
i guess i worry about why he is saying THAT,

Because he doesn't know any other way to deal with his emotions. He views you as what it standing between him and what he wants. In his mind, if he removes you-he gets what he wants, he doesn't think any further than that. It's not that he wants you gone, he wants the obstacle gone.

On a side note..

When my DS was 4 he went through this and instead of wanting me to leave, he wanted to "find a new mommy". After a month or so of this, I told him that if he really felt that way that he probably should start looking for one. We packed a backpack and a small lunch and he sat on the front steps for about 30 minutes trying to find a new mommy. He eventually came in and said it was too difficult and that he'd just keep the one he had. We never heard the 'find a new mommy' phrase again.


----------



## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

saying no all the time isnt the way to go. say yes. say "yes, we can have ice cream after dinner (or suitable time)." say "yes, we can watch another movie tomorrow afternoon".
maybe he doesnt know how to react on no. just say yes.
then he gets what he wants when you want it.


----------



## montlake (Mar 13, 2008)

That's rough, but it's very 5-year-old. When mine was that age he suggested the following at various times:

1. That I just leave him at the mall and let a "nice" mom take him home. FOREVER.

2. That I leave him on the side of the road and he would just live in the woods. Also FOREVER.

Just keep giving the love.


----------

