# 10 yo looked at inappropriate stuff on net at friends house. what to do?



## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

I have been thinking about this all week and don't know how to approach it. When my 10 yo dd asked to have her own email addy I told her it would be okay, but once in awhile I'd have to monitor it to make sure nothing funny was going on (predators). She's had email for a few months and I went on for the first time and saw an email address I didn't recognize and clicked on the message. It was a message from her friend that said she was worried because "remember when we looked up that innappropriate stuff at my house when you spent the night? every time i type the word 'g' on google it shows that we looked at it. i don't know how to make it go away, and if my mom sees it i'm doomed. please help!"

This is a sensitive area here. It could be a learning experience for both of us. I just don't know how to talk about it without making her defensive. I want her to ask me if she has questions. Besides I wonder what the heck starts with "g" that's so bad, unless it's girls this or guys this.

My second dilemma is, do I have a responsibility to tell the other parent about this? The other family is a go to church every time it's open family and I'm worried that if I mention this that little girl won't get a learning experience. She'll be worse off. She'll be shamed.

Tell me what to do, oh wise ones!


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## Slabobbin (Jan 29, 2004)

The only thing I could think of that would start with a "g" that could possibly be taboo is "gay"?

I might wait until we were in the car or doing something like cooking...something that didn't put the pressure of a face to face conversation. Just casually remind her how you told her that you would be checking her email and then tell her what you found and let it go from there. I would be very casual about it even if you are secretly freaking out inside. I think we have all probably looked up "inappropriate stuff" on the Internet just out of curiosity.

Did her friend actually say "remember when we looked at that "inappropriate" stuff"? That's big language for a ten year old.


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## sapientia (Apr 22, 2007)

I would bring it up almost nonchalantly and make it very clear that it's not about being in trouble or your being angry-just that you wanted to give her an opportunity to discuss what she saw and what's going on in her head about it.
That's the way I would handle it. As far as telling the other parents-if there is a possibility that they would freak on her and make this worse for her, I'd avoid it.

My oldest daughter and her friend thought it would be funny to look up 'butts' a few years ago-they got a surprise. I talked to her the same way and it worked out fine. SHe hasn't looked up butts, since!!!


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Since she knows you were going to be monitoring her email, why don't you just ask her what it was that she and her friend looked up and go from there.

I can't think of anything "inappropriate" that starts with g. Gay comes to mind, but I don't see how that's inappropriate. The first 10 google results for that word are pretty mild anyway . . . personals sites, wikipedia, and one offensive homophobic site. Maybe the girls had heard people use the word negatively and wanted to find out what it meant? Not sure if you've talked to your child about that or not.

I probably wouldn't tell the other parents, especially not if they are the type who may overreact. If it's something serious, maybe bring it up with the other girl when she is at your house next . . . or just educate your own daughter, who will probably tell her friend.

I'd tell them how to clear the search history, too, if the friend's parents are going to freak out over this.


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## happyhippiemama (Apr 1, 2004)

gspot?


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *funkygranolamama* 

My second dilemma is, do I have a responsibility to tell the other parent about this? The other family is a go to church every time it's open family and I'm worried that if I mention this that little girl won't get a learning experience. She'll be worse off. She'll be shamed.

Tell me what to do, oh wise ones!

First, give people who go to church a little credit. I don't know their particular beliefs or parenting style, but many churches are about forgiveness and redemption and love. We got to church a lot, and I would never shame my ten year old for normal, curious behavior.

That said, without knowing what happened, I don't know that I would approach the other girl's parents.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Have you checked your google for a G word?

I would just come out and ask her. It isn't really any of her business how you found out. Just tell her that you found out that she and her friend were using her friend's computer innapropriately. Then ask her if there is anything else she needs to tell you. Then ask her if there is anything she wants to know.

My dd knows that with the privelage of having her own computer comes the knowledge that I may (and will) read everything she writes on the computer if I feel like I need to. SHe is responsible for giving me ALL of her passwords. I have never looked (except her myspace) and I don't intend to unless I feel like I need to. At age ten, I would want to know what she is up to.

Ten year olds are not mature enough to know who is a danger and who isn't. Some people can seem so nice, and so sincere.


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Slabobbin* 
The only thing I could think of that would start with a "g" that could possibly be taboo is "gay"?

I might wait until we were in the car or doing something like cooking...something that didn't put the pressure of a face to face conversation. Just casually remind her how you told her that you would be checking her email and then tell her what you found and let it go from there. I would be very casual about it even if you are secretly freaking out inside. I think we have all probably looked up "inappropriate stuff" on the Internet just out of curiosity.

Did her friend actually say "remember when we looked at that "inappropriate" stuff"? That's big language for a ten year old.









FOR REAL!!! She did say inappropriate! I thought that was odd, too!


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ledzepplon* 
First, give people who go to church a little credit. I don't know their particular beliefs or parenting style, but many churches are about forgiveness and redemption and love. We got to church a lot, and I would never shame my ten year old for normal, curious behavior.

That said, without knowing what happened, I don't know that I would approach the other girl's parents.

I'm sorry! Didn't mean that to be personal, or attacking all people who go to church. I'm big on telling my kids that you can never say "All____ are___", generalizing. I wasn't trying to generalize, just giving you an idea that these aren't the kind of people who let things slide. They are strict and people of routine.


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## Slabobbin (Jan 29, 2004)

Did you look in your daughter's "send items" folder to see if she had replied?


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## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

When did she spend the night? Recently or weeks ago? If it was a one time thing weeks ago, I wouldn't necessarily say anything. Like one of the pps mentioned, we have all looked at stuff we weren't supposed to, out of curiosity...


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

i just talked to her about it. she said they wanted to see vanessa hudgins naked picture. she said the "g" she mentioned was referring to her being afraid her mom would see she'd been on google and check the history. her friend told her mom (just found out) and mom was aggravated but didn't punish her. she did take away the computer from her, though.


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## chellemarie (Jan 17, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *funkygranolamama* 
i just talked to her about it. she said they wanted to see vanessa hudgins naked picture. she said the "g" she mentioned was referring to her being afraid her mom would see she'd been on google and check the history. her friend told her mom (just found out) and mom was aggravated but didn't punish her. she did take away the computer from her, though.

I wonder if they weren't searching for _Gabriella naked_. Which is way tamer than phrases I was coming up with.

Google is off-limits if I'm not in the room. For the most part, they stick to that. My son learned the hard way that not all Manga is his kind of Manga.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Hehe, those pics are easy to find.

I think it was harsh to take away the computer for that. They weren't in any danger.


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## happyhippiemama (Apr 1, 2004)

isn't taking the computer away a punishment?


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *happyhippiemama* 
isn't taking the computer away a punishment?

yep i worded myself incorrectly yet again. poo on me


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## Emzachsmama (Apr 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I'd tell them how to clear the search history, too, if the friend's parents are going to freak out over this.

Really? You'd teach your dd's friend a way to hide things from her parents? I would be very worried about what other things she might try to look for if she had that knowledge.

I would have mentioned it to the other parents because I would have wanted someone to tell me if I were in that situation. OP, it must ease your mind that your dd was comfortable enough to discuss it with you.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emzachsmama* 
Really? You'd teach your dd's friend a way to hide things from her parents? I would be very worried about what other things she might try to look for if she had that knowledge.

I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

If I thought my daughter's friend was going to get in trouble at home for having some innocent curiousity, yes, I'd absolutely teach her how to cover her tracks . . . or get DP to teach her since computers are not my thing.


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## MaterPrimaePuellae (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emzachsmama* 
Really? You'd teach your dd's friend a way to hide things from her parents? I would be very worried about what other things she might try to look for if she had that knowledge.

I would have mentioned it to the other parents because I would have wanted someone to tell me if I were in that situation. OP, it must ease your mind that your dd was comfortable enough to discuss it with you.









I totally agree. The internet is a wonderful thing-- the amoun of information is incredible-- but I have definitely seen things I wish I never had and had "relationships" (at a young age!) that were probably inappropriate.

Bethany


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## Emzachsmama (Apr 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

If I thought my daughter's friend was going to get in trouble at home for having some innocent curiousity, yes, I'd absolutely teach her how to cover her tracks . . . or get DP to teach her since computers are not my thing.

The other girls parents may have different beliefs about whether or not the internet is dangerous or if gross porn something they think is really serious - it would be around here. Seems to me that they should be able to make parenting choices about their beliefs without other people making those decisions for them.


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

I'm really glad she was willing to talk with me about it. What I was worried about what confronting her in a way that would make her feel defensive and then she wouldn't feel like she could talk to me about things. Sometimes I can appear to be rough around the edges when I'm not trying to. I really need to read that book, something like how to talk so they will listen type thing. I'm way too confrontational. Any other book reccomendations?


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## DawnaRose (Jan 22, 2004)

there are many worse things they could have been looking for









maybe something to suggest to the other mom, if you talk to her about it, is using 'safe search' on google. You can change the settings for google to block any text or photos that are inappropriate for young eyes









We have 4 computers in our home, and each one is set to safe search. Even mine and my dhs since the kids sometimes use them. I'm sure if they really wanted to they could get around it, but mine haven't yet


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## chellemarie (Jan 17, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *funkygranolamama* 
I'm really glad she was willing to talk with me about it. What I was worried about what confronting her in a way that would make her feel defensive and then she wouldn't feel like she could talk to me about things. Sometimes I can appear to be rough around the edges when I'm not trying to. I really need to read that book, something like how to talk so they will listen type thing. I'm way too confrontational. Any other book reccomendations?

You have a way to start a conversation like that now. The next time you need to bring something up to her, you can start by saying,

"Remember that time we talked about XYZ? I appreciate how you handled that/your honesty/etc. I'm happy we can talk about things so easily."

This helps her remember a time you talked and it was safe. You didn't flip, you didn't punish, you just talked. Her brain recalls that event and tells her, "This is okay."


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## chellemarie (Jan 17, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

If I thought my daughter's friend was going to get in trouble at home for having some innocent curiousity, yes, I'd absolutely teach her how to cover her tracks . . . or get DP to teach her since computers are not my thing.

I'm in the camp that says the internet isn't for children to peruse without guidelines. There are things I wish I'd never stumbled upon online. I can't imagine not protecting my kids from seeing those images. And there IS worse than "gross porn" online. Much worse. Violent, disturbing, grotesque, terrifying things that are a Google search away.

If it's innocent curiosity, they won't get in trouble at home. That is the child's parents' determination to make.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
Since she knows you were going to be monitoring her email, why don't you just ask her what it was that she and her friend looked up and go from there.

It could be many things: gspot, gay, girl on girl, the list could go on. I'm sure they were just being curious. If they are in public school then I'm sure they hear it all. I'd just ask her. I have an open relationship with my 12 yr old and you better believe I would ask him. In fact it would have been asked that instant.

Btw, I put in G on google and the only bad thing on the page was something about the g-spot. I doubt at 10 yrs old that is what it is though. I saw things about sex in movies and on t.v. at that age and it just went over my head. I'm sure it was something. But you never know in this day and time.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

If I thought my daughter's friend was going to get in trouble at home for having some innocent curiousity, yes, I'd absolutely teach her how to cover her tracks . . . or get DP to teach her since computers are not my thing.

Do you have a child in this age range yet? Just curious. If not, you may have a totally different outlook on things when your child gets to this age. If you do have a child this age then as a parent it seems to me that you are afraid you are going to alienate your daughter so you will do whatever you can to make her think you are cool in front of her friends. That's not a good thing to do in this case. If we were discussing taking them to a day spa then yes, be the cool mom. But the internet is a totally different situation, totally different!


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
Do you have a child in this age range yet? Just curious.

Not yet, but this was how I was raised -- my mom never would have put limits on the internet (or anything else, really) unless she thought there was a pressing safety issue at hand.

I simply don't believe that the internet is dangerous -- certainly searching for things isn't, no matter what words you type in. My children will be taught how to look out for themselves online, as far as not giving out too much personal info without my permission, and how to block people who try to talk to them about things they don't want to talk about, but I don't intend to use any kind of net nanny/safe search stuff on our computers.


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## Ok (Feb 6, 2004)

As for whether to tell the another child's parents... I'd base that on how the conversation with my own child went. If I had any sense that another child was making dangerous choices, yes, I'd alert a parent to that.


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## Emzachsmama (Apr 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
Not yet, but this was how I was raised -- my mom never would have put limits on the internet (or anything else, really) unless she thought there was a pressing safety issue at hand.

I simply don't believe that the internet is dangerous -- certainly searching for things isn't, no matter what words you type in. My children will be taught how to look out for themselves online, as far as not giving out too much personal info without my permission, and how to block people who try to talk to them about things they don't want to talk about, but I don't intend to use any kind of net nanny/safe search stuff on our computers.

If that works for you and your family, great. I, on the other hand, disagree. I think that kids CAN be harmed my what they might see on the internet. Not physically harmed, but definitely emotionally and mentally harmed. If you think it is fine, that is your right, for YOUR family. I don't think anyone has the right to make that decision for another family and I would be LIVID if someone, another parent no less, taught my child how to cover their tracks online.







:


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 

I'd tell them how to clear the search history, too, if the friend's parents are going to freak out over this.


I think that is something they need to figure out on their own. It isn't my place to teach another child how to cover their tracks. If they are going to look at innapropriate material, they need to learn how to hide it themselves.

Letting them sweat it out is just a natural consequense. It's better to learn consequenses when the risks are small.


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## TheTruth (Apr 8, 2007)

The taboo does not nesecarily start with g.
When you search anything in google and then type g in your URL box it will show google along with searches done on google, provided you have not cleared the private data.


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## bumblebeej (Nov 5, 2005)

Did they get to see the pictures of Vanessa? I have no clue who it even is!


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## SingleMomOfTwo (Jan 17, 2008)

Sometimes I can get my 10 year old to tell on his self. Ask her if she has learned any thing new on the computer lately. Ask questions about what her and her girlfriend did when she spent the night. I bet she will end up telling you about it. At least it works with my son from time to time.

Good luck!


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## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emzachsmama* 
If that works for you and your family, great. I, on the other hand, disagree. I think that kids CAN be harmed my what they might see on the internet. Not physically harmed, but definitely emotionally and mentally harmed. If you think it is fine, that is your right, for YOUR family. I don't think anyone has the right to make that decision for another family and I would be LIVID if someone, another parent no less, taught my child how to cover their tracks online.







:

i agree, i think we all need to be respectful of others peoples parenting and other peoples right to parent.


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## Mama2Bug (Feb 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
Not yet, but this was how I was raised -- my mom never would have put limits on the internet (or anything else, really) unless she thought there was a pressing safety issue at hand.

I simply don't believe that the internet is dangerous -- certainly searching for things isn't, no matter what words you type in. My children will be taught how to look out for themselves online, as far as not giving out too much personal info without my permission, and how to block people who try to talk to them about things they don't want to talk about, but I don't intend to use any kind of net nanny/safe search stuff on our computers.


You know what's just a Google search away? Child pornography. I'd think that would be pretty damaging to a young psyche.

Don't think it just pops up in an ordinary Google search? Sometimes it does. I once had the heart-wrenching experience of having to report some that I myself came across to the FBI. I wasn't even searching for _porn_ at all, let alone that kind. It wasn't of the "barely legal" variety either. There was no disputing that these were young children. It was graphic and vile. I'm 30 years old and I can't get those images out of my head. I can't imagine being 10.

No way should a kid run loose online. No freakin' way.


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## JustOneMore (May 29, 2007)

I actually volunteer with Perverted Justice due to our 'then' 14 year old's experience with being approached by an adult male online. We taught her how to be safe, not to give out personal information... the whole deal. But no one can prepare a kid for an experienced pedophile who knows how to groom a kid and tell them everything they want/need to hear.


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## Sage.Naissance (Feb 5, 2008)

yeah... nothing dangerous? what are pedophiles? When I was that age the internet sort of 'just came out' as it is now, and my parents were pretty clueless, unlike parents now and we were on chatrooms and stuff all the time. I would not worry about my kids seeing porn, I have no problem talking about those sorts of things and if they are curious to see what its all about they should, and we will talk about it(I would never want them to see it without it being discussed and put it into context) but pedophiles? they pose a far greater risk than big breasted blondes giving blowjobs. Seriously! Just thinking of it gives me the heeby jeebies.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

it's amazing too, how the most innocent of searches can turn up something unexpected and nasty. Here, we have a sporting goods place called Dicks. My 14 year old needs new track shoes, and we have a coupon, so we went online and entered dicks dot com to see what they have, not thinking it was probably dickssportinggoods.com. Needless to say, my daughter and I got an EYE full. We were squealing out..."ahhhhhh, make it stopppppp" and I could not get it to exit even when I clicked on the X. Also, a few years ago, I had my own website (for diapers and so forth) and if you omitted one word from the title, some really nasty stuff popped up immediately. Not good!
Anyway, I do think it's natural for kids to want to see naked bodies....I can remember looking through my friend's dad's playboy magazines that were hidden in their attic. I would never get mad at my kids for being curious about it, but I'd be upset if they saw some of the really gross things that are out there. My 16 year old recently was sent (by a friend) a video where two girls were getting it on and then they proceeded to partake in Coprophagy as part of the whole scene. She was SO upset afterwards, and there were just no words that I could give her that were comforting other than to tell her that there are some disturbed individuals out there, and she should feel sorry for them. She seemed to accept it, and we haven't discussed it again, but I'm sure she will never forget it. Just like the time for me, when I was at a high school party and some of the boys were watching a porn film with animals. I was so disgusted and saddened by it, and I have never forgotten it...even 25 years later.


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## JustOneMore (May 29, 2007)

Sadly, based on my volunteer work, Ive seen ALOT of disgusting things but I actually will have to look up coprphagy to see what that is. lol

Id forgotten one day that I had disable the safe search on my google preferences and searched 'images' for the name "angelica" and the results were shocking. I guess there a busty blonde porn star by the name and here images took up the first couple pages of search results.

ETA: "disturbed individuals" indeed. nuff said.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JustOneMore* 
ETA: "disturbed individuals" indeed. nuff said.

yeah, that was why I put the clinical name for it...it's just too gross to even say.


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## mamasgroovin (Nov 27, 2006)

I have had a similar experience. My son spent the night at his friends house a few months ago and the boys were looking at internet porn (this is actually the subject of my last post







). But this is different, b/c it is dealing with another family, so I thought I'd post a response.

My friend did not tell me right away, but did talk to my son about it and told him that he was not allowed to to use the computer the next time he came over. She explained internet dangers, and also the fact that this is all degrading and flat out fake (they were looking at the anime porn). It sounds like she handled things well on her end.

I have a lot of respect for how my friend handled it. I do not care that I was not in loop, _right away_. Do you feel comfortable talking to this girl? It might be a better lesson coming from someone else's mom, YK?

I don't know if the other girls parents need to know, or not. I suppose it depends on what they were looking at, and how much. If they only went to one site, and were then embarrassed, and turned it off, I'd say it's probably no big deal.

I would talk to your dd in a non threatening way, she knew you would be monitoring her emails...so it's not like you were sneaking. If she's not responsible enough to have the conversation with you, then she's probably not responsible enough to have a private email account.

Based on her answers you can then judge if the other parents should be involved.

Just my 2 cents...


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

If I thought my daughter's friend was going to get in trouble at home for having some innocent curiousity, yes, I'd absolutely teach her how to cover her tracks . . . or get DP to teach her since computers are not my thing.

Wow. That is just wrong. It is not your job to parent someone else's child. My child would not be playing at your house ever again.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sage.Naissance* 
yeah... nothing dangerous? what are pedophiles? When I was that age the internet sort of 'just came out' as it is now, and my parents were pretty clueless, unlike parents now and we were on chatrooms and stuff all the time.

I was online without restrictions at that age, and was approached by all kinds of gross people. It wasn't a big deal . . . I blocked them or ignored them if I didn't want to talk to them. Without even being warned/told how to respond, I knew what to do. I trust my kids to do the same, especially since they'll know before they even start chatting online that they might encounter some perverted people. I just don't think it's the issue a lot of parents make it out to be.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

I think the *worst* thing they'd find, actually, is a pedophile. Worse than that, a pedophile POSING as a boy or girl their own age (in, say, a chatroom for an age-appropriate hobby or TV show), so that they might not recognize that it was a "gross person."

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 

I simply don't believe that the internet is dangerous -- certainly searching for things isn't, no matter what words you type in. My children will be taught how to look out for themselves online, as far as not giving out too much personal info without my permission, and how to block people who try to talk to them about things they don't want to talk about, but I don't intend to use any kind of net nanny/safe search stuff on our computers.

This is a genuine question, not at all snarky. How would you feel about your school age child watching, say, an online video of Daniel Pearl being beheaded? Or images of violent animal abuse? Or pornography that included images of women being raped and tortured?


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## LilMamiBella (Nov 13, 2002)

My son just found some porn online as well. We took his computer away and I would like to put some controls on it. I don't want them seeing beheadings, rapes, cruelty,etc. Does anyone have a recommendation on something I can put on our computer?


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I was online without restrictions at that age, and was approached by all kinds of gross people. It wasn't a big deal . . . I blocked them or ignored them if I didn't want to talk to them. Without even being warned/told how to respond, I knew what to do. I trust my kids to do the same, especially since they'll know before they even start chatting online that they might encounter some perverted people. I just don't think it's the issue a lot of parents make it out to be.

You are okay exposing your children to unnecessary amounts of cruelty, violence and perversion and people who are predators.

I have been online since I was 14. 20 years. The internet can damn well surely be dangerous.

You may think you know what to do. But your parents did not. Inviting perverts to your house for a party, and expecting that your children will be Okay enough to deal with it by themselves is shockingly stupid.


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## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

Well, DS did his share of surfing as a youngster, til I cought on Then I quietly and without fanfare installed a filter. I also introduced discussions about gender objectification, how it goes both ways, etc etc. I can't say he never went to someone elses house and watched, but I at least felt like I had nipped it at home. As far as the really gross stuff, he had momentary interest, soon to be replaced by disgust. He was quite honest telling me why he liked seeing the porn images, and spoke very derisively about the ick. By the time he was an older teen, he was adamantly anti-porn because he learned about the industry and it's exploitation of both women and men. DD could not possible care less. As far as the sites that are violent or horrific, yes,1 viewing would be traumatic, and I'd of course want to avoid it, but it wouldn;t make me worried about my child's mental or sexual health. Chronic viewing of such things OTOH is a far far different thing, and may demonstrate that further intervention is neccessary. But the bottom line for me was that while I certainly wasn't going to give him free rein, I trusted my son's inherent respectful nature (and, no it hadn't completely developed by 13, when this first came up) and had no fear that watching porn on the net had the power to turn him into a perv. While I am all for shielding our DC from stuff that's potentially damaging, I have to say, I'm surprised so many of us seem to think our DC wouldn't simply be horrified by the ugliness and turn it off on their own. And I'm genuinely curious - do you think, given free rein, that your kids would actively seek out this stuff? Or is the concern more about accidentally stumbling upon it? Sexual curiosity is after all, pretty hard wired in our brains, KWIM? And for the record, I do believe at early ages, when thinking is concrete, that it is much more damaging. But a teen can grasp many of the reasons we object to porn, and that can be appealed to quite successfully in many cases.


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

I suspect that my children are much like me. That they will plumb the depths of something that captures their attention, possibly to see how deep the hole goes.

If they choose to do so later that is there business. While they are still developing and becoming themselves, pretending that what they see hasn't any effect on their minds is disingenious.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
This is a genuine question, not at all snarky. How would you feel about your school age child watching, say, an online video of Daniel Pearl being beheaded? Or images of violent animal abuse? Or pornography that included images of women being raped and tortured?

I can understand why things like that would attract someone's attention for curiosity's sake, and I wouldn't be upset that my kids were curious. Unless they were showing other signs of being disturbed or mentally ill, I can't see worrying that they want to know what certain things look like.

Demeter9:

Quote:

Inviting perverts to your house for a party, and expecting that your children will be Okay enough to deal with it by themselves is shockingly stupid.
This is so alarmist. Talking to my kids about how they can get rid of creepy or annoying people online and then giving them free access to the internet is not "inviting perverts to our house for a party." In fact, I'm willing to bet that by being open with my kids and not restricting them, they will be a lot more likely to come to me with concerns. They'll also know that we are willing to help them meet online friends in person if they want, in a safe way, so that they aren't compelled to sneak around the way teens who are very much restricted are apt to do.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
This is a genuine question, not at all snarky. How would you feel about your school age child watching, say, an online video of Daniel Pearl being beheaded? Or images of violent animal abuse? Or pornography that included images of women being raped and tortured?

I can understand why things like that would attract someone's attention for curiosity's sake, and I wouldn't be upset that my kids were curious. Unless they were showing other signs of being disturbed or mentally ill, I can't see worrying that they want to know what certain things look like.

Demeter9:

Quote:

Inviting perverts to your house for a party, and expecting that your children will be Okay enough to deal with it by themselves is shockingly stupid.
This is so alarmist. Talking to my kids about how they can get rid of creepy or annoying people online and then giving them free access to the internet is not "inviting perverts to our house for a party." In fact, I'm willing to bet that by being open with my kids and not restricting them, they will be a lot more likely to come to me with concerns. They'll also know that we are willing to help them meet online friends in person if they want, in a safe way, so that they aren't compelled to sneak around the way teens who are very much restricted are apt to do.


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## acannon (Nov 21, 2007)

From experience, you definitely do not have to teach a kid how to delete the history from their computer. I've done it many times and no one taught me. I learned how to be sneaky from necessity because my parents were incredibly strict and trust me, your kids will have friends who know how to get around parent locks and how to generally snoop around without being detected. Also, if you have a public library with access to computers, there are kids who know how to get around their filters, too. I also I had a ton of friends who knew how to get around the school's filters on their computers, as well.


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

Again, I suggest that if it is all that for a developing mind to absorb hours of sexual perversion in your mind YOU do it.

Pick links and start clicking. Do it for hours. Then do it again tomorrow.

When it effects YOU an adult, you'll have less to stand on when you claim that it isn't that big a deal.

Gross doesn't begin to encompass what you can run across in very short order.

I in NO WAY think this is AT ALL alarmist. I've been online for long enough to have a very clear idea of what I am talking about. There is no way at all that exposing your child to that stuff and those people BY CHOICE is at all acceptable or normal.

My children can trust to come to me. They can also trust that I will do the right thing and I will protect them. Always. Even when it is inconvenient. I like trust. I should deserve their trust. Protecting them from harm that I KNOW is coming INCREASES trust.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Demeter9* 
Again, I suggest that if it is all that for a developing mind to absorb hours of sexual perversion in your mind YOU do it.









I actually work for an adult website doing SEO -- which involves looking at site after site and trading links with other webmasters. I get paid to do this for hours a week -- that, and writing reviews or blurbs about the sites that I've seen. I







my job.


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## JustOneMore (May 29, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 







I actually work for an adult website doing SEO -- which involves looking at site after site and trading links with other webmasters. I get paid to do this for hours a week -- that, and writing reviews or blurbs about the sites that I've seen. I







my job.

Thats great that you love your job. I dont think anyone will agree that just because you, as an adult, expose yourself to adult sites as a job that its somehow beneficial for a young mind to see the same things. But then again, it's not the rest of us raising your child just as it's not the rest of us that will have to deal with the mal effects which result from such a young child seeing pornography before their mind is able to comprehend what theyre seeing.

Demeter,
I happen to agree with you and dont feel that your post was 'alarmist' in the least.

PJ has a new project that offers stories to dispel the rumors that internet crimes dont happen to 'real' children.

http://www.perverted-justice.com/?stories=full


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## simple living mama (May 4, 2005)

funkygranolamama, this discussion has gone in different directions so Im not even sure if you are checking in any more but I wanted to let you know I think you handled it beautifully and gently. You can sure tell you have a big heart that loves your child very much.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JustOneMore* 
Thats great that you love your job. I dont think anyone will agree that just because you, as an adult, expose yourself to adult sites as a job that its somehow beneficial for a young mind to see the same things.

Oh, I'm not looking for agreement . . . just answering what was asked of me (ie: do I really know what's out there -- yes very well).


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 

I simply don't believe that the internet is dangerous -- certainly searching for things isn't, no matter what words you type in. My children will be taught how to look out for themselves online, as far as not giving out too much personal info without my permission, and how to block people who try to talk to them about things they don't want to talk about, but I don't intend to use any kind of net nanny/safe search stuff on our computers.

Not only do I disagree strongly (and find that perspective to be astonishingly naive), your suggestion to teach a child how to thwart loving parents who are interested in protecting her from the very real dangers on the internet is grossly irresponsible.


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## Sarah W (Feb 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JustOneMore* 
I actually volunteer with Perverted Justice due to our 'then' 14 year old's experience with being approached by an adult male online. We taught her how to be safe, not to give out personal information... the whole deal. But no one can prepare a kid for an experienced pedophile who knows how to groom a kid and tell them everything they want/need to hear.

Yes! Thank you! The internet isn't dangerous? The people to To Catch a Predator specifically target children not much older than the OP's daughter. You can search someone's IP and easily find out what city/town they're in.

And leaving out the perverts...a simple search can come back with bondage/S&M or simulated rape. Imagine how damaging that would be to a young child, a female, no less. Your first experience with sex is intermixed with violence?

I think the internet is great and a child can learn a lot. However, it is so important for a parent to stay vigilant so they know what their child is viewing. At least if they were to see something inappropriate, it could be discussed.


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

I wonder how the parents of molested and murdered children would feel about the assertion that the net isn't dangerous? What about the teenagers who have taken their lives after documented cases of cyberbullying?


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

I think part of the problem is that children often THINK they can handle things that they actually can't. How many times do kids beg to watch a horror movie, swearing up and down that they can handle it, and then have weeks and weeks of nightmares. If a child were to want to look at Daniel Pearl's beheading out of "curiosity" (Jessy's word), I think there is a very real danger that viewing the video, even just once, could be seriously harmful. I was a child (and am an adult) who is VERY affected by visual images. There are things I've seen in movies as an adult that stay with me for months and even years, that wake me up in the middle of the night and leave me frightened. And these are FICTIONS. Honestly, I don't think children (or most adults) are ready to see first-hand the horrible violence that human beings inflict on one another--particularly because Internet content is so often designed to leave quick, lasting impressions (it's visual, it's of "soundbite length, etc.). If I had watched a video of a real beheading as a child, I think I can say without question that I would have needed therapy to get past my fear and ditress.

And a further problem...if my child wants to watch a beheading on the Internet...why? Do I want him or her to complicit in the sensationalization of suffering? Does curiosity really override the right of victims of crimes to privacy and dignity?


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

When I was five I saw a dramatization of a minor fender bender on PBS. That little 5 second snippit caused nightmares for MONTHS, and I still remember the clip with an odd sensation of dread (very odd since I went on to become a paramedic and saw much, much, much worse.)

Deliberately exposing your children to blatantly disgusting and harmful material could in some states cause criminal charges to be levvied against you (think, contributing to the corruption of a minor), and for good reason.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

Coaching kids to hide stuff from their parents can be a predatory behavior in itself.

If an adult who just HAPPENED to work for the online pornography industry taught my child to cover her tracks, the police would be called.

In its own small way, this very discussion demonstrates just how bad things have gotten online.....porn advocates even showing up on parenting sites to demand justification why our children are not fair game........


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

What a great observation Galatea.

Curiosity is one thing. NORMALIZING is another. What children view becomes normal to them particularly since they have no actual REALITY to compare it to.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
Coaching kids to hide stuff from their parents can be a predatory behavior in itself.

If an adult who just HAPPENED to work for the online pornography industry taught my child to cover her tracks, the police would be called.

In its own small way, this very discussion demonstrates just how bad things have gotten online.....porn advocates even showing up on parenting sites to demand justification why our children are not fair game........


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

Haven't read the other responses... I would tell my daughter how to delete the browsing history and then have her tell her friend, so her friend can stop worrying about the parents knowing. I would not tell the friend's parents.

But, I would honestly tell my child that I felt she was too young to be looking at these things, and that she shouldn't feel ashamed but should reconsider what she exposes herself to or doesn't. I would also urge her to reconsider friendships with people who are browsing adult material at such a young age, but again, ultimately she has to make the choice, not me.


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## happyhippiemama (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 

In its own small way, this very discussion demonstrates just how bad things have gotten online.....porn advocates even showing up on parenting sites to demand justification why our children are not fair game........

Well I'm a porn advocate as well, and an active member on this parenting site since 2004, and I'm not "demanding justification" of anything.

Please don't lump all porn advocates together. Thank you.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meowee* 
Haven't read the other responses... I would tell my daughter how to delete the browsing history and then have her tell her friend, so her friend can stop worrying about the parents knowing. I would not tell the friend's parents.

But, I would honestly tell my child that I felt she was too young to be looking at these things, and that she shouldn't feel ashamed but should reconsider what she exposes herself to or doesn't. I would also urge her to reconsider friendships with people who are browsing adult material at such a young age, but again, ultimately she has to make the choice, not me.

Wow! Another person saying they would teach the friend how to delete the history. You know what? Parent how you want to parent but keep your nose out of how someone else chooses to parent. I am appalled!


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## Emzachsmama (Apr 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heavenly* 
Wow! Another person saying they would teach the friend how to delete the history. You know what? Parent how you want to parent but keep your nose out of how someone else chooses to parent. I am appalled!









:







:


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel* 
Coaching kids to hide stuff from their parents can be a predatory behavior in itself.

If an adult who just HAPPENED to work for the online pornography industry taught my child to cover her tracks, the police would be called.

In its own small way, this very discussion demonstrates just how bad things have gotten online.....porn advocates even showing up on parenting sites to demand justification why our children are not fair game........

Well said.


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## mamabeca (Oct 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I'd tell them how to clear the search history, too, if the friend's parents are going to freak out over this.

I wouldn't do that...

My exp. with this is to ask you dd if she has had any on-line issues she'd like to talk through with you. Also at that time, reinstate that you are trusting her to use good judgment online at ALL times. Not in a threatening way, just a parental way, kwim?


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