# Toddler "Listening" problems?



## noralou (Jul 19, 2007)

My daycare provider (just 2 mornings/week), who I think is really great with the kids in most ways, has been telling me that my 22mo ds is having trouble listening to directions. She seems to be talking about his tendency to get into things and places considered "out of bounds." Hard for me to get enough time to really talk it through with her for a couple of reasons: It's hectic because it's pickup time for everyone. Also I feel a little defensive, so probably tend to shut down the conversation myself. I know, I know, I need to talk to her more to get a better read about what's going on.
She tells me how she's addressing it, and suggests I use the same methods at home for consistency. Here's what she's doing so far: she tells him her direction: "That's a teacher drawer. Let's close it, and I'll show you your drawer." Then he tends to follow her direction at first, but a minute later he's back to the "teacher drawer." She then says, "I see you're having trouble listening. Stop your body." If he continues, she picks him up and says, "I'll help you stop your body until you're ready to listen. Tell me when your ready." Apparently he doesn't get upset through all this talking and moving him around. Anyway, I guess it's working fine for the daycare setting, but it's not really my style. When I run into similar situations at home, I tend to redirect him to something further away from the tempting hazard, and later baby proof (e.g., He used to get into the CD player, and I worried he might break it or get hurt on it. I moved it to a closed cabinet, and put latches on the doors). I'd never thought about it as "trouble with listening," since he's so young. I figured he was too young to control his impulses very well, so I would shape the environment to have fewer out-of-bounds temptations. (I'd like to put a latch on that drawer myself!) Maybe I should be focusing on getting him to listen to directions better, as the daycare provider suggests? Any thoughts?


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## wendizbaby (Jul 22, 2005)

Ha, Ha....I'm laughing. Getting a 22 mo to listen to my directions (and insisting on it) is a battle I choose not fight. I do exactly what you do around our house.
Insisting on diaper changes and getting in the car each day is enough stress for me, thank you.

Wendi


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## Ell-Bell (Nov 16, 2002)

I wouldn't mind the teachers approach except that she's expecting a 22 month old to listen, follow her directions, and (ahem) tell her when he's ready to listen. What???


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Way developmentally inappropriate. If she doesn't want toddlers opening her drawer, and it's in their reach, she needs to lock it.

Also, she decides how she's dealing with a discipline issue and then tells you you should follow her approach?







:







: Um, whose baby is it again?!


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## noralou (Jul 19, 2007)

She's big on encouraging self-control, which I don't think is a bad thing ... just beyond what I'd expected of my ds so far. She does approach the kids in a very gentle way, and has taught him to do things I didn't think he was old enough to do. For example, she's gotten him to stay in his little toddler chair for the duration of snack, while I alway use a belted highchair at home. Self-control is an attribute I'd like my son to have SOME day. I guess I'm just leaving these talks with her feeling like she thinks I'm not expecting enough of him. I do wonder if she forgets how young he is, because he's tall for his age (looks 3 to some people). I will definitely have to have a talk with her. It would be nice to hear some different kind of information at pickup, such as the fun he had finger painting, or the funny thing he said that day. I guess I'm just venting now. Thanks for listening!


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

I would be VERY concerned if a daycare provider had such inappropriate expectations of a toddler.

That is not acceptable.

-Angela


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## noralou (Jul 19, 2007)

Thanks for your replies. One thing I'm not clear about is whether she expects his behavior to change right away, or if she's just thinking of it as planting a seed for future self-control.
Sometimes I tell ds things I don't think he'll quite get yet, with the idea that over time it will make sense to him. (Such as, "We only throw soft things. That car is hard. Let's find something soft to throw." I don't think next time, he'll already think to himself, "Is this hard or soft? Hmm it's hard, I guess I'll find something else." But maybe 6-12 months down the line, he might stop himself from throwing something hard.)


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wendizbaby* 
Ha, Ha....I'm laughing. Getting a 22 mo to listen to my directions (and insisting on it) is a battle I choose not fight. I do exactly what you do around our house.
Insisting on diaper changes and getting in the car each day is enough stress for me, thank you.

Wendi

My thoughts exactly. A toddler listen? GD at this point in life seems more practice for the parent than practical discipline for the child.

Good luck! It will pay off eventually.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

I think he is too young for her to expect him to listen. REdirecting is what it's all about at this age...


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *paquerette* 
Also, she decides how she's dealing with a discipline issue and then tells you you should follow her approach?







:







: Um, whose baby is it again?!









:


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## kikidee (Apr 15, 2007)

I agree. I think her teacher drawer should be latched shut or something, if it's at a level they can reach. I don't think that is very safe.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Planting a seed would be telling him what she wants him to do (ie, don't open that drawer) and then offering him something else to do (let's go play blocks). Every single time, not just the first time and then escalating to physically restraining him until he agrees to do what she wants.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

My conversation would go:

Her:He's having trouble listening. He keeps going back to the teacher drawer after I've shown him his drawer.
Me: So, why don't you have that drawer locked?

Her: He's not listening.
Me: I find it most effective to tell him what to do or redirect him before he's actually engaged in something. I know he's very persistent, so it sometimes takes a while for him to switch gears. But when we're consistent with our baby proofing, and with redirecting him before he starts an activity, we find he does very well.


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## hippymomma69 (Feb 28, 2007)

Hmmm...your daycare provider seems a little rigid. I've met people like this...and I know it must be frustrating for daycare providers who think they have the "answer" about how to parent....I got this one time from a playgroup leader and I just never went back. Just because they would do something a certain way doesn't make it "right". And also, there's a big difference between the way a child responds to a parent, and the way they respond to another adult in a "group" atmosphere with other kids. My DD actually SAT to eat when she went to her nursery school - but at home with only me for company?! Forget it! LOL

Is it just me or does the last part where she holds him and says she'll stop his body until he listens creep anyone else out? Seems very coercive in a passive-agressive way to me....maybe it's just me but something about it doesn't seem right to me...I could see *removing* him from a situation until he loses interest in the forbidden activity - but physically restraining him? Ick.

peace,
robyn


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## noralou (Jul 19, 2007)

I appreciate your perspectives, and I still need to talk to the daycare provider about this. From your responses, I think I may have painted a bleaker picture of the situation than it really is. For the record, this is such a lovely daycare in most ways. This woman is well versed in AP and GD approaches, which I know does not necessarily mean every decision will be the best. Her heart is in the right place, and her philosophy matches mine in most ways.
When my son tells me about his day, he doesn't refer to any of this "stop your body" routine at all. He typically says something like, "I play in the MUD," "sang songs with ___,"or, "I pick tomatoes today," He seems happy to go there, and reluctant to leave, talks about the daycare provider all the time in a joyful way. So, yes I am a little worried about this particular approach to stopping him from getting into things. But this is not a case where I feel the need to pull him out from the program, or anything drastic. My intent in this post was just to bounce the idea off some other AP/GD parents, and to gather my thoughts before approaching her.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Well, I personally think that she's using a great approach. I would assume, that since she has a daycare, most of her place is pretty child-proofed, right? I mean, she's not using this approach 42 times a day because everything in her house is a "no-no", right? If not, I think your ds can totally handle it. I used techniques like that w/both my children w/the things that we couldn't (or didn't want to) childproof.

The part that irritates me is that she says he's having trouble listening. That's a red flag to me more than her method. I think people say that when they're getting frustrated w/a child, or in a power struggle.

I don't know what I'd do though. I guess sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Good luck!


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *paquerette* 
Planting a seed would be telling him what she wants him to do (ie, don't open that drawer) and then offering him something else to do (let's go play blocks). Every single time, not just the first time and then escalating to physically restraining him until he agrees to do what she wants.

Sounds to me like that's exactly what she's doing:

"That's a teacher drawer. Let's close it, and I'll show you your drawer." Then he tends to follow her direction at first, but a minute later he's back to the "teacher drawer." She then says, "I see you're having trouble listening. Stop your body."


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