# responding to news of stillbirth



## dunicakes (Aug 25, 2006)

Dear all,
I just found out that my friend's baby was stillborn at 38 weeks of gestation. She lives far away and I got the news by email. I was just wondering if you could tell me what you think would be some appropriate ways to respond to the news. Obviously, I will write to her or call and tell her just how sorry I am that this happened, but what else could I do? I thought about doing something like sending her a sapling tree that she could plant in her baby's memory, but I don't want to impose on her grieving with my own ideas. After all, she may find the idea doesn't appeal to her at all. If they decided to have funeral, I could send flowers -- but I don't know if they will have one and I don't want to ask, in case they're not having one and this question makes them feel that I am questioning that decision. In short, I'm just not sure what to do. There aren't really socially established rules for how to deal with the loss of a baby. If any of you who have experienced such a loss could tell me how you would have wanted people to respond to it, I would really appreciate it. Thanks!


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Hi,
I had a stillbirth at the end of July...
truly, there are no words. If you feel you have no words, say so.
I think, after the initial flurry of 'sorry" emails, it also feels good to know on a constant basis that people are thinking of you and wanting to help in any way. In the beginning, your friend may reject any contacts, or calls or do not wish to talk. But you can still find ways to let her know you hold her in your thoughts. Write her an email regularly, send her a card regularly. What is her support like where she lives? Maybe you can arrange to have healthy foods delivered to her house.
We did receive a small tree to plant in Ferdinand's honor, but rec'd at a time when we did not have the energy to do it. But it is a wonderful idea, ask your friend when is a good time to send, if she had a particular plant in mind, etc...

For me, I really wanted to talk about him, hear his name being said. I did not want him forgotten, just because he did not draw a breath. Ask your friend if she wishes to talk about it, if she wants to share photos.

I think what was most valuable are those who stick around, offering silent support and companion on this long, long, grieving/healing journey. At times I feel lonely because it seems people are getting back to their normal life again, where I had no place in... so it was always nice to get an email asking how I am, knowing that i am being held in someone's thoughts.

I hope this helps. I am so sorry for your friend's loss.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Because grieving and healing is such a long journey, what is most valuable are those people who stick around and think of the mom & family after the event... like giving a call or sending a card on the actual due date, remembering them on anniversaries, holidays, etc...... the most lonely feeling is some time after, when you are not fully functional, and just lonely, but everyone is busy leading their normal lives, cooing with their babies... that's when a caring voice or card means so much.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

First off, respond to her email. I had many, many people I emailed and never heard one word from. Stay in touch with her, talk to her about her baby if she'd like to. Ask HER what she would like, does it make her uncomfortable to talk about "___" and use his/her name. If you don't know her baby's name, ask her. Be there for her with correspondence, don't forget that she will grieve for a long, long time. One of the sweetest things anyone said to me was that they miss Calliope (my dd who was stillborn). Send her a care package with comfort stuff, really anything you know she enjoys.

But really, the most important thing I found is to acknowledge her loss, and not just once. Make the subject of her baby not taboo, which is what happens a lot of times.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

All great suggestions. The things I remember most were the people that took the time to properly acknowledge our loss and to ask about our son. Yes, I usually cried but it is iportant to realize I was crying anyways







:. The 2 people that sent a card are still in my mind, I still have those cards and when I am feeling sad I can look at them and have a small connection to my son. Send her a card at Christmas (if she celebrates) letting her know you are thinking of her.








to you for being a good friend


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## SquibsNCrackers (Oct 21, 2005)

Yes to everything above.

And be aware that the anniversary may be really tough for a lot of years. Remembering her baby and her loss this time next year could mean a lot to her, even if she cries at the acknowledgment.

It's been nine years since my son arrived sleeping, and I still cry every time I read of others' losses and remember my own.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I found this on a bereaved forum once, and thought it was useful:

_A Bereaved Parent's wishlist:
I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that he is dead. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself. I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief. But I pray daily that you will never understand._


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peatmom* 
Yes to everything above.

And be aware that the anniversary may be really tough for a lot of years. Remembering her baby and her loss this time next year could mean a lot to her, even if she cries at the acknowledgment.

It's been nine years since my son arrived sleeping, and I still cry every time I read of others' losses and remember my own.

















This post is so true and means alot to me. On my daughters 1 yr birthday this past May, no one called, sent anything. My husband sent me a gift and called from Iraq and my best friend send a teddy bear and card. That was it. it hurt so much that no one wanted to say anything on her birthday.
remembering her baby means more than you know.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

I wanted to second that you have gotten some wonderful suggestions here. I also wanted to mention the sticky at the top of this forum; it may give you some more ideas of what to do/not do and say/not to say from a lot of POV's. The thing that people said that comforted me the most--"I'm so sorry and I love you". If you feel comfortable doing so, direct her here,and she will be surrounded by support and understanding.

A suggestion about the tree: I was terrified that I would let live plants that were given to me in honor of my dd die, and when we thought we were moving out of country a short while later, I passed them on to my Mom who can make everything grow. What about _you_ planting a tree in her baby's honor in your yard or at a city park and taking on the responsibility of it? It would avoid that awkwardness of if she is not ready or able to do it yet, and avoid the possibility of it dieing and "being her fault" (my own neurotic fear, not necessarily anyone else's) and be a wonderful gift of acknowledgement. I am so sorry for you and your friend's loss.


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## chopstickgirl (Oct 5, 2004)

my daughter was stillborn at 41w gestation this past january.

here is what has meant so much to me, and continues to help me
in my dark hours.

1)a beautiful loss necklace, to commerate Catti, that I haven't taken off since I got it. A bunch of online friends chipped in and bought it for me. It's one of my most treasured possessions now, and makes me feel close to Catti-

Forget-me-not
Miscarriage and Baby Loss Memorial Gemstone Necklace (it's down on the page)
http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html

and there is a little keychain they they got for my DH too, that matches my necklace. it's really special to him, and so important to remember the father too.

next, other friends got me this ring, and i wear it sometimes but usually wear it on my necklace.
http://www.limogesjewelry.com/Custom.asp?productid=6619

also, a nice card you spend time picking out means a lot. there are days i just sit and am overwhelmed and blessed by the 100s of cards i have, from people who's lives were touched by catti-some strangers! these cards i will treasure my whole life.

some friends chipped in and got a brick at our local children's museum, with an imprint of catti's hands, so when dd#1 and i go and play there, we can visit catti's memorial brick/stone. that was really touching as well.

and mostly, it's just on a day to day basis-esp months after loss for many-those friends that talk about catti in passing, like it's NORMAL make me so happy. not this whole mushy "how are you can i do anything" but some examples-my friend who has a 6m old now said one day "wow Jen, C isn't even as big now as Catti as at birth, you are so amazing!" (catti was 12lbs 8oz/25 inches)

Just stuff like that, saying they remember catti, or are thinking about her, or the very best, when a friend emails me and says "Jen, just wanted to let you know how much I am missing Catti today, and wishing I could be holding her right now. Thinking of you" touches me like you wouldn't believe.

Hope that helps.


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## normajean (Oct 21, 2003)

All you can really say is that you are sorry that it happened. As others have said, there's not much you can say.

I think remembering that she will be hurting for a very long time is important. People tend to forget/ignore after a month or two. Remembering anniversaries, and checking in once in awhile to see how they are doing is a good idea.

Your friend will be in my thoughts.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chopstickgirl* 
Forget-me-not
Miscarriage and Baby Loss Memorial Gemstone Necklace (it's down on the page)
http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.html

and there is a little keychain they they got for my DH too, that matches my necklace. it's really special to him, and so important to remember the father too.

Thank you for this link. Silly, but looking down through the list of necklaces, bracelets and rings made me cry.


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## cubasianchica (Jun 18, 2007)

I had a stillborn as well earlier this year. Right when it happens and the wound is fresh you really have to be careful what to say. For me personally I know people mean well when they they Im so sorry for your loss but I got tired of hearing this 5,6,7 months later. I personally was trying to move on and be strong but every time someone said that it re opened the wound and made it harder. Since it just happened I would imagine it would be ok to say that. One thing that was very important for me was to acknowledge that this was indeed a person...their child and they are still parents. This is hard to remember esp if this is their first and esp with a stillborn, not many people got to know of this new person. If you know what the child was I would refer to it as "your son" or "your daughter". If you know the name they gave the child it means the world to use that name and realize they are an entity. Flowers are a nice gesture... I personally would send it to their home not to the funeral or mortuary. Too much is going on there with emotions and they may not be able to fully appreciate it. Offer yourself to be there if they ever need to talk. They may not call right away but always remind them you are their. Try to do things to occupy them, take them out to lunch, do the regular things they did before. If they decide to ttc again soon or wait encourage their decision. There is not much that you can really do outside of that. People would ask me if they could help or do anything and that really pissed me off because the only thing I wanted anyone to do was give me my daughter back. Avoid taking about babies for a while and pregnancy or being in an area where there are kids or pregnant ladies ( i know they are really everywhere but if you can avoid it try to) If you are looking to get her something a little special there is a fantastic site for pregnancy and infant loss.http://www.myforeverchild.com/store/Default.asp you can get her a little something if you wish like a charm or something like that. hope this helps. One major thing NOT TO SAY regardless if they have kids already or not...do not say at least you have (#of kids) that are healthy...or you will have another one. People told me this (of course meaning well) but it was so offensive because no matter how many kids I go on to have I will never have that one back. I will always be short that one. The only safe thing to say is Im sorry...in my opinion anyway.


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