# Desperate and shaken about daughter's stripping



## Nan2497 (Jul 3, 2004)

I am desperate about my 24 year old daughter,college graduate, who is stripping in a gentlemen's club. I live in fear that this long self destructive tunnel she is traveling down will not end until she is either killed or arrested or the list goes on. I am heartbroken and without peace. What should we do? We have two younger children 13 and 10, and she seems so normal when we see her. We can't believe it. The shame is overwhelming.
She was indulged too much as an only child for twelve years and when she was 16 and we started too late to put our foot down she ran to my mother's(deceased now one year) who indulged her and let her do what ever she wanted further. She is such a mess. I cannot stop blaming myself and living in fear about her.
What should we do? Should we tell her that we don't want to see her as long as she is destroying herself? I don't think she could care any less about us. Another sleepless night of worry. Please help.


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## dreadmama (Jan 8, 2004)

Oh Mama, that is really sad!

I don't have much advice for you as far as what you should do, but it seems to me that you should NOT shut her out of your life! She might be doing this because she is thirsting for attention from you, of any kind. Maybe she felt unimportant in your life when you had more children (though it is not your fault), or maybe she just (for whatever reason) is longing to feel loved, she needs your unconditional love and support no matter what.

Setting boundaries is very different than ultimatums. Maybe she is still grieving for her Grandma who passed on. It is a hard road for your family, but in order to help her, you should work together as a family.

Shame should not be put on her or you. Our society marginalizes women so much... this "profession" is not something that she invented, and it isn't a reflection of you or your parenting. It is a reflection of how lost she is and how much she longs for attention and feeling loved, as well as a livelihood. She has perhaps fallen into a cycle of drugs, which means that she is not going to be logical about her decision.

Please reach out to her and try to contact some of her close friends to find out what is going on.

Peace,

Karen


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## FreeBird (May 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this.

I had a coworker who went through something similar. She prayed that her daughter wouldn't physically be able to dance. I remember her coming to work and telling me that her daughter called and said her back hurt so bad that she didn't go to work.

If it was me, I would show up at the club. It might shame her to be up there dancing with you in the audience, but it would also show her that you care about what she is doing to herself. I wouldn't break contact from her, because it seems like she is crying out for attention.

Best wishes!


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## wemoon (Aug 31, 2002)

Wow, what a first post. If you need immediate help I would try to find someone locally who can help you. I know nothing of this at all.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Well... she's supporting herself, right? This sounds like a nice club, not some back alley dive... stripping isn't like being a prostitute or something; it's a legal and fairly well-paying job.

I guess I don't see it as the road to being killed or arrested - it's just a job. Is she otherwise happy and caring for herself?

YMMV,

Dar


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## LaLaLuna (Jun 23, 2002)

Oh Nan









It's hard to watch a child make poor choices- I know you must feel like she's still your baby; your first and most special baby, too.

I agree that unconditional love is paramount in this relationship: as difficult as it may be for you, try not to judge her (or at least don't let it show!). Sometimes people just need to take the long, hard road to learn wisdom and grace- keep the door open to your daughter. She'll be grateful you did. I know I'm grateful to my parents for always being there, even when they didn't like my lifestyle, when I was self-destructive and short-sighted.

I really liked what Karen said about ultimatums being different than boundaries; so true.

I hope you find your way to peace with her.


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## weebitty2 (Jun 16, 2004)

Honestly, hon? Your daughter is 24 - if she chooses to support herself in such a way, then, IMO, you should be supporting her choice.

I am a college graduate. When I moved, I had the option of working in retail for $9 or less an hour, which wouldn't even cover transportation and daycare for my kids while I worked, or make upwards of $500 a NIGHT as a dancer. How is this "destroying" ones self?

I found it gave me self-esteem - something that I grew up VERY lacking in. Not only that, but in it I found acceptance of myself. It's not illegal, or destructive, and most people only stay in the "industry" for a very short period of time - 1-5 years, because of the stresses it places on the body, and because of society's emphasis on what's attractive.

I just can't see how this is a road to being arrested or killed, in any way. And WHY? WHY? WHY? would ANYONE PURPOSELY WANT TO SHAME THEIR *ADULT* CHILD OVER A LIFESTYLE CHOICE?!?!?!?!?

It may sound rude ... but if this is how you really feel about your children .. I feel sorry for your other two.

I'm just plain disgusted.


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## laralou (Nov 27, 2001)

I would suggest being supportive too. I think when parents are disapproving they put further distance between themselves and the child, and the child is less likely to come back to them when they need a soft place to fall.

I haven't ever worked as a stripper, but my parents have disapproved of a boyfriend or two, and they learned the hard way that the harder they pushed me to stop seeing him, the closer I got to him and the further I got away from them. Kwim?

I am sure she knows how you feel, so I would suggest letting her know that you love and support her without judgement, and although you don't approve of her choices, you won't express it. That way you can stay in her life and be there to support her should she decide to choose a different path.


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## Nan2497 (Jul 3, 2004)

It seems that the overwhelming response to my post is that I should offer my daughter unconditional love. I do and always have. The pain I have is that she is risking her future. I cannot imagine what will happen if her behavior today is used against her in her future pursuits. Will the people who are in a position to help her and are in line to write references for her ( to medical schools for instance- a dream that she has always had) would want to support her as a serious person knowing she is stripping. If she is to have a professional job in the future, could this past not be used to harm her? Also, if my 13 year old daughter finds out or my ten year old son finds this out, how could the possibly handle it. WE all love her but I must say again that I am ashamed of what she is oing.
There are nude photos of my daughter(stage name) on a web site advertising this club. All sorts of derranged men could stalk her. These clubs promote an atmosphere of drinking, drugs and self-destructiveness. she drives home at 4:30 am after a night of drinking with other drunks on the road? I cannot believe that anyone with her intelligence could not feel demoralizied by having men stick dollar bills in a g-string. I cannot see that this could feel like "love."
I fear the worst is yet to come. I would like to believe that she will be fine as some of you suggest and that there is nothing dangerous about what she is doing but I can't master such denial. I do so appreciate your posts. I am so isolated in trying to deal with this. Besides my husband, I am too ashamed to speak to anyone about it. Please keep us in your prayers


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## dreadmama (Jan 8, 2004)

Nan2497 said:


> What should we do? Should we tell her that we don't want to see her as long as she is destroying herself? I don't think she could care any less about us. QUOTE]
> 
> I think most of us were responding to this part of your post. It made it sound that you were considering to stop contact with her until she found help on her own.
> 
> ...


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Wow, that really sucks. Really that is one of the worst things I can imagine my dd doing.









I think you can love and support your dd without supporting her deplorable choices. I think she is in this for the money. You mentioned she had been spoiled groing up and now that she has to support herself she needs an easy job that brings in big $$.

I can understand why you don't want her around your other children and why even you may be embarrassed to be around her. Unfortunately there isn't muchyou can do. one mama mentioned prayer and I htink that is really your only option. Let herknow you love her and are prayin for her. Maybe have her over and talk to her about why she is doing this and see if there is anything she needs that would help her get away from this lifestyle. I have a feeling there is more to the story than you posted here. It sounds to me like this is only one link in a chain of self distructive choices. I willbe preying for your family too. I think this is a good oppritunity to show your other two children that you will always love them even when they make bad choices but that you won't suport those descisions or do anything to help them self destruct. Hopefully that will help keep them from idolizing this sort of path. On the other hand you may want to limit the contact they have with her in case she may be glorifying this lifestyle to them. good luck. What an awful situation.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

You state your worries really cogently. You aren't merely upset because you don't like this as a line of work, but because you are concerned about her future prospects, and about her safety.

If you have stated these concerns just as clearly to her, you have done what you can do. She's 24, she's an adult, as long as she isn't harming anyone else I don't see any reason to change your relationship with her.

I wouldn't even assume this is because she was "spoiled"--she may just have a different sense of what is safe or unsafe to try as a way to support herself. Let's hope that she is right and you are wrong, that this is a safe and okay way to make a living. Or, if she does find out that you are right, that she finds out by, say, reading a story in a magazine or something! This isn't the sort of situation that you want your child to learn through natural consequences, God forbid!


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## weebitty2 (Jun 16, 2004)

Nan -

First I'm going to apologise - I re-read my post above and boy oh boy do I sound like a B****! That wasn't my intention.

I guess what I really was trying to get across is that although it's not the world's most glamorous profession, stripping IS a good paying job. I never found myself judged when submitting applications for school or work afterwards - and although I don't aspire as high as to be a doctor, I AM going back to nursing school. =)

"If she is to have a professional job in the future, could this past not be used to harm her? Also, if my 13 year old daughter finds out or my ten year old son finds this out, how could the possibly handle it."

This CAN'T be used to harm her - in ANY way. Honestly? It's illegal to discriminate. They're allowed to inquire about work history (tardiness, reliability, job performance) but only in relation to the position being applied for. And as for your younger kids - do they really need to know what she's doing for work? "Oh, she works nights." or "She's a dancer for a local company." Neither are outright lies, although after two years of telling my son I was a dancer he wants to know why I don't know ballet. *lol, he's a cutie*

There's danger in nearly every job in the world, hon, especially for women. When I was in high school, my childhood babysitter was shot in a store holdup, yet most people don't think of retail as a dangerous job.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that although it's not an ideal job, and it may disagree with some peoples' sensibilities, at least she's out there, working and supporting herself through her job. It's not a lifetime profession, for a lot of people it's just a stepping stone to better things - I know I would never have gone to college or kept custody of my older kids if I hadn't been stripping - our state only looked at the money coming in, not the love lavished.

Just trust her, and be there for her. Maybe right now this is what she feels is best for her. And share your concerns with her, please. She needs to know what you're feeling about it, and what her dad thinks..








s

I sincerely hope you can find your way to happiness through this =)


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## happyhippiemama (Apr 1, 2004)

Awww mama. You'll get through this. I'm offering my suggestions for some of your concerns from my probably fairly unique P.O.V. here on MDC..... I'm a stripper.







So here we go....(it's long!)

Quote:



Originally Posted by *Nan2497*

If she is to have a professional job in the future, could this past not be used to harm her?


 It is _illegal_ to discriminate in the workplace because of a past employment. She _will_ need to be wise in the future, when she is out of the adult industry, in whom she confides this information to. But she needs to know her rights are far as discrimination is involved, be smart about her choices, and not be afraid to defend herself. .

Quote:



Originally Posted by *Nan2497*

Also, if my 13 year old daughter finds out or my ten year old son finds this out, how could the possibly handle it.


You handle it by being honest with them - to a point. They are still a little young, and there is nothing wrong with squeeging the truth a little bit. It is not a lie to say that she works in a nightclub and that she works for tips. It is a tiny lie but not a bad one to say that she is a cocktail waitress. If your family chooses to tell the full truth, please try not to speak badly of your daughter's choice, as that will either a) make your other children think badly of her or b)make them look up to her for it since they may see something you don't approve of as a form of "rebellion".

I have a stepbrother who was 13 when I started dancing. I did my handwashing at my mom's one day and left my stripper dresses hanging all over the house to airdry (I didn't know sb would be coming home from school as early as he did). :LOL My mom was none too pleased. He actually approached me with "wow, what are all those clothes for?" I said, "for work" and changed the subject. Boys that age are embarressed about talking sex with siblings or parents, he never pushed it.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *Nan2497*

WE all love her but I must say again that I am ashamed of what she is oing.


 My mother is also ashamed of me for dancing (I am now 27, started dancing at 23). We have had many discussions about it. We will never agree on whether or not it is something to be ashamed of, so we just agree to disagree. I will tell you the same thing I tell her, though. *Her* feelings about me stripping are not my problem. She has issues with it, I do not. It's her ideals that she is projecting onto my life. I don't project my ideals onto her life (she is a chain-smoker and horrible with money and in denial about being depressed and in a completely unhealthy codependent relationship, for example), I support her in whatever makes her happy. I know my mother loves me, as you love your daughter, and that is what is important.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *Nan2497*

There are nude photos of my daughter(stage name) on a web site advertising this club. All sorts of derranged men could stalk her.


I _would_ suggest that perhaps she not have her pic posted on the website, or that they do a nice gossamor blur edited over her face, especially if she might be going into a professional or high-status field later on in life. Most strip clubs don't require you to be on their website, they just suggest it or prefer it. I have a friend who has a full-time day job in a marketing firm, she's very successful, and she strips twice a week at night. She dances in a city 45 minutes away from where she lives and works so that the likelihood of being seen by clients is lowered. She is blurred out of all pics on the website

As far as stalking goes, she seems to be an intelligent woman. She should not take the same route home more than two nights in a row. She once in a while should carpool, take a cab, or borrow someone else's car. She should have the police on a speed dial on her cell phone. She should have an anonymous email specifically to use with customers (regulars often want to know what nights you'll be working, etc) and not have any true information posted anywhere that could be connected to the contact information she might give to any customers.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *Nan2497*

These clubs promote an atmosphere of drinking, drugs and self-destructiveness. she drives home at 4:30 am after a night of drinking with other drunks on the road?


Many dancers overdo it a bit when they first start, to be sure. Drinking and driving is a big boo-boo, obviously. But she will find that she will make more money sober (or with just a drink or two throughout the entire night) then when she is bombed. And that is what smart strippers do, they dance in order to make a shitload of cash in just a few years so they can live life easier in the future. The dumb strippers make a shitload of cash and blow it as quickly as it comes in.

Clubs promote drinking to their customers. Other than that, she shouldn't have to worry about it. If she is already drinking, doing drugs, and being self-destructive, then stripping won't clean her up any. But if she's not the type to be on that road (and she's already 24, so if she was gonna do it, she'd already be doing it from age 18 and up), then the clubs won't and can't _make_ her become a druggie or an alcoholic or a whore.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *Nan2497*

I cannot believe that anyone with her intelligence could not feel demoralizied by having men stick dollar bills in a g-string. I cannot see that this could feel like "love."


Oh, it doesn't feel like love at ALL. It feels like MONEY. And her intelligence has nothing to do with it. I belong to a message board for dancers, and I have *by far* had my most intelligent cyber-conversations EVER on that board. PM me if you would like the web addy to go check it out.

I don't feel demoralized by stripping, I feel empowered. Need more explanation into that, just ask!!

Quote:



Originally Posted by *Nan2497*

I fear the worst is yet to come. I would like to believe that she will be fine as some of you suggest and that there is nothing dangerous about what she is doing but I can't master such denial.


 It's not denial, mama. It's the truth. There are some dangerous aspects of the industry, to be sure. But I've partied harder simply waitressing at the sports grill in my college town than I have as a stripper. Heck, I partied harder in college at the next door keg parties than I have as a stripper. She needs to keep her head on her shoulders and have a goal. Why is she dancing? Is it for the fun atmosphere? Is it for the easy money? Is it for the long-term savings that are possible to build up? Is it just bc she CAN? Does it fit into her schedule amazingly well? (students and single mamas especially do well with this schedule. I can work two nights a week and only be gone while my dd is asleep. I get more time with my dd and make enough money to survive. When I was not a parent but a full-time college student, it left me enough time to go to class and study without overhwelming myself)

If she knows WHY she's stripping, it's easier to keep her priorities in her mind and not get sucked in to the "lifestyle" that so many people are scared of. Although I truly do believe that the "straight" hospitality industry (restaurants and bars) are much more of a lifestyle commitment than the gentlemen's clubs.

HTH, please feel free to post here or PM me with any questions or comments.

xoxo
crystal (stage name: Kali







)


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## 3 little birds (Nov 19, 2001)

I posted about my sister on another thread about dancing. She did it for over 10 years.

IMO the dancers who are able to do it w/o drinking or drugs are the exception.

The dancers who are able just to make the $ and get out of it in a year or so are also the exception.

My mother was VERY angry at my sister for her choice. I believe that her anger and attempts to shame her actually drove her back to the club again and again because there she was accepted by her coworkers/friends, sugar daddies and customers.

I also believe that it is a dangerous job-some of my ds's friends were killed, comitted suicide,etc. Good safety advice is warranted.

I mentioned on my other post that most of the girls working in clubs were sexually molested and they "need" the power over men that this job offers. I don't know if this is the case with your daughter (and I am not asking) but it helped me to understand part of my ds's motivation in keeping this job.

It may be illegal to discriminate, but it does happen. My sister went to college and is very smart and charming, but could only get bartending jobs when she revealed her work history.

Your daughter is an adult, so I really don't see that there is much that you can do and she certainly has the right to make this choice. I think it is possible to communicate to her that you don't agree with her choice, but that you love her and will always be available to her.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Just wondering what this is doing on the single parenting board... the OP did mention her husband at one point, even...

dar


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## laralou (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3 little birds*
I believe that her anger and attempts to shame her actually drove her back to the club again and again because there she was accepted by her coworkers/friends, sugar daddies and customers.
<snip>
Your daughter is an adult, so I really don't see that there is much that you can do and she certainly has the right to make this choice. I think it is possible to communicate to her that you don't agree with her choice, but that you love her and will always be available to her.

This was my point as well, but I don't think you have to continually remind her that you don't agree with her choice. She already knows, I bet, so you can just let her know that you won't give her advice or criticize her unless she asks.

Dar, I don't know but I'm not the mod in here so I'm not comfortable moving it. I'll bring it to the attention of the mod though.


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## wemoon (Aug 31, 2002)

Good point Dar, I did think to myself that I was slightly confused...


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## mocha09 (Jul 6, 2003)




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## crazy_eights (Nov 22, 2001)

I've actually known two people that supported themselves while in med school dancing as such - one a woman, one a 'chippendale' male. I wouldn't assume the worst.


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## natmother (Feb 5, 2003)

I agree with this quote fully! I went down a long hard road when I was younger when i dabbled in drug use, not stripping. My parents got aggressive and I ended up shutting them out and not contacting them for a couple of years. Lalaluna, She speakeths the truth.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LaLaLuna*
Oh Nan








I agree that unconditional love is paramount in this relationship: as difficult as it may be for you, try not to judge her (or at least don't let it show!). Sometimes people just need to take the long, hard road to learn wisdom and grace- keep the door open to your daughter. She'll be grateful you did. I know I'm grateful to my parents for always being there, even when they didn't like my lifestyle, when I was self-destructive and short-sighted. I hope you find your way to peace with her.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Moving this to Parenting Issues...


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## wende (Oct 4, 2003)

I only read some of the responses so I may be repeating what others have said already.

I danced for 7 years. I was a mother, myself, when I started and my mother totally disagreed with my profession. She had the same thoughts as you. One day I was doing a performance where I wouldn't be nude and invited her to come. She stayed and watched the other girls when all was said and done and she realized that what she had in her head and what I actually did were worlds apart. She still prefered that I'd do something else, but I was an adult, what could she do? Nothing. So she supported me. She babysat for me on occasion, she drove me to work on occasion, whatever she needed to do. I walked out of it alive and well with a strong respect for myself and my mother. As far as my kids were concerned I was a waitress and a bartender. FWIW, I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs, never have. Well, I've drank socially on occasion and smoked until 6.5 years ago, but have never done illegal drugs. Before I decided to be a stay at home mom I was premed in school w/o a single worry about my future.

To be perfectly honest, being a stripper does not pose any more risk to your dd's life than being a doctor, in fact, it may pose less risk. Many doctors drink alcohol, abuse drugs, abuse themselves, are stalked, are killed by ex-patients, and doctors have the highest incedence of suicide of any profession. If she's going to do those things, she will do them regardless of her profession. Support her in whatever she does and in the end she will be just fine.


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

here is my opinion
one of my good friends from my childhood up through highschool became a stripper
she had a pretty disfunctional homelife (dead father, disabled mother, spoiled by grandparents, maybe sexualy molested)
she was really pretty and a cheerleader (which was pretty close to stripping at my school)
and then she got into drugs
she had bad car crashes coming home late at night/early morning after stripping and being high
and i think she was also selling her sex too
i don't know what came first, the stripping or the drugs, but when i realized what my friend (who was in my advanced placement classes with me during school) was doing after grad i got real upset
went to the strip club several nights in a row
i would act rael nromal and like i was just there to see her and let her know that i cared etc, not judgey but never fake about how yucky i felt the situation was (i am from a poor small town in wv and this place was off the highway and used by mostly old men and truckers....yuck)
she then decided to quit
and she got kicked out of her living situation...she was living with a bunch of strippers from the club in a house that was owned by a co-owner of the club....a woman that had all of her daughters stripping and living there too
yuck!
anyway
i let her move in with me
and she tried to sleep with my livein boyfriend and i had to kick her out
plus she made no $$$$$
and never helped me clean the house etc
and the drug abuse got to scary, so she moved in with her grandparents
but
she never went back to stripping
but she is still a drug addict
and after all of that i learned that stripping is gross
but i also learned that if i ever really needed the cash (single mom etc) i could and would do it
drug free

my advice: love your daughter
and i do recomend you, and maybe your husband with you,
going to the club to watch her work
maybe she is seperating herself from reality while she does it and that would bring her back
you are in my prayers
and drug abuse/acholism would be at the top of my fear list
but i also want you to know that my most drug and alcohol free teen/young adult years were the ones i spent working at a bar that had a big cocain clientel, it totally turned me off for life
sorry this is so long! i hope that it helps in some way.


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

My friend stripped for two years (a little less than two years).

It was a good club (women fired if they "dated" customers). Most women there were single moms trying to support themselves; many did use cocain but my friend didn't. It wasn't a slippery slope for her, and it isn't for all dancers. It was just a job. She is now in interior design school making lots of contacts and nobody but two or three of her closest friends know (her parents don't even know).

My friend wasn't spoiled or screwed up about sex, and she didn't have low self-estem. She just needed money and simply didn't have skills to make a living in the area of the country she was then living in. It actually helped her with her social skills, she says. In any case, she came through those years none the worse.

I agree with urging your daughter to be safe - have her get into a "good" club, have someone she knows pick her up after work instead of driving home alone, and have her NEVER tell the customers her real name.

There may be other signs that your daughter is in trouble; but stripping, in and of itself, is not going to ruin her.

Good luck. I imagine it is very hard to watch your child makes choices that you find scary.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I have never stripped. I know people who have and they were not druggies or whores.

I will shamely admit that at 13 I was more of a slut than they ever were. I did more drugs by 18 than they had ever. Some never had even done drugs.

You might not like what she does but love her still. If there is questions of what she does by your younger kids give them as little information as you can. She works at a bar.

You will do more damage if you shut her out.


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Hey, I agree with Dar and Wee and Happy! Shoot, I'd strip if I could! Well, in theory anyway-I'd probably wuss out, lol.

Anyways---Many clubs also have security that either walk the employees to their cars or even drive them home and walk them into their house/apt. Many have a "no touching" policy-except of course, to give the $. And believe me, from what i've heard from people-it's a good amt. of money.

As far as the drinking and driving goes-THAT was the worst of what your daughter is doing. In fact that pisses me off so much-if it were my daughter and I knew she did it, I'd call the cops myself. I'd probably bail her out, but she'd deal with the consequences-better that than a dead daughter and/or innocent driver.









She's making money-probably good money. Here's what I'd ask her-why are you doing this? She may very well be saving up for college (which believe me, as a nursing student I can tell you-it ain't cheap...around $20k per year, not including fees and whatnot), or a car/house/rainy day or other "worthy" cause. Ask her how she feels about herself? Does she feel like this is the only way to get attention, or is it just something that happens to pay the bills nicely.

To be fair, I would ask her her views on prostetution, because I do know that fast "easy", untaxed money can be addicting, and sometimes, just doing a little something extra for even more money can be tempting. Not saying she's destined to sell herself, but if this IS a self-esteem issue, that could be in the future for her.

As far as her future goes-unless she's going to run for public office (in which case, yeah, it would affect her), no one even needs to know she was a stripper! If she does this for let's say 2 years...(I just picked a number), when she applies for another job she could say she was a bartender there, or a waitress, or maybe she washed the floors(former employers tend to be okay about backing this-as long as she leaves in good standing so to speak). Shoot-if it's just for college, they don't care what you did for the past 4 years, and if they ask, she could tell them she took a break from HS, which I'm assuming is true. It's really no ones business what she did in the past.

Okay, well, I wish you luck. I understand how you could take this personally, but don't. She didn't run away to strip at 16 in some back-alley, illegal bar. What she is doing is very much legitimate(sp?).

Best Wishes, Kelly


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## mammaguess (Aug 22, 2003)

First I have to say that your title to this thread makes me wonder how effective you are being with you daughter.

I am assuming you have made it clear that you disaprove....right? You have the right to feel the way you do. But what you do with those emotions may determine if your daughter takes what you say seriously. Screaming, pleading or crying doesn't generally work to help your point. (not that you do but rather it's something to think about







)

I think if I was in that situation it would be fair to set some boundaries. Let her know that while she is a grown adult and can do what she wants that you are also a grown adult and have good reasons for thinking the way you do.

So while you are no longer going to agonize over this in front of her, that you will pray for her (again I am assuming that is something you would feel comfortable doing) and that you have decided some boundaries on this issue need to be set, for your own peace of mind.

For me it would be the following:
1) do not buy me or your dad(assuming he feels the same way) or your siblings anything from money you have made from this lifestyle choice, because we don't want to be a part of it.
2) I don't want to hear about how great it is or how wonderful the money is, again dd is a full grown adult but I don't want to participate...it makes me uncomfortable.
3) and maybe this should be first....I love you dd and always will. I don't have to love your choices but you are my dd.

I think I might be repeating myself at this point but you can't make someone else feel the same way you do but I do think you can set appropriate boundaries on what you are comfortable with.

You can love someone unconditionally without loving their choices.

One last point, if you decide to set boundaries YOU have to live by them as well as dd. So you can't say "I won't bring this up again" unless you are willing to not! bring it up again.

You might also say that you are willing to help her if she wanted to transition to a job that you are more comfortable with. But you would have to make that statement before you say that you are not going to talk about it again.

Hopefully you can follow my rather circular way of thinking


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *weebitty2*
Honestly, hon? Your daughter is 24 - if she chooses to support herself in such a way, then, IMO, you should be supporting her choice.

I am a college graduate. When I moved, I had the option of working in retail for $9 or less an hour, which wouldn't even cover transportation and daycare for my kids while I worked, or make upwards of $500 a NIGHT as a dancer. How is this "destroying" ones self?

I found it gave me self-esteem - something that I grew up VERY lacking in. Not only that, but in it I found acceptance of myself. It's not illegal, or destructive, and most people only stay in the "industry" for a very short period of time - 1-5 years, because of the stresses it places on the body, and because of society's emphasis on what's attractive.

I just can't see how this is a road to being arrested or killed, in any way. And WHY? WHY? WHY? would ANYONE PURPOSELY WANT TO SHAME THEIR *ADULT* CHILD OVER A LIFESTYLE CHOICE?!?!?!?!?

It may sound rude ... but if this is how you really feel about your children .. I feel sorry for your other two.

I'm just plain disgusted.

Ditto. I started dancing at a nice club when I turned 18- I had a 6month old son, and dancing allowed me to be with him most of the time, as I worked while he slept a few a few nights a week. Much better than staying on welfare or working 40+hours a week for minimum wage. I also had a huge self-esteem boost







I danced for almost 8 years, sometimes off and on, and put myself through school.

Kristi


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

Also want to add, I didn't do drugs or get drunk while stripping. There was excellent security at all the clubs I worked at, much better that no security at a "real" job. I was never stalked or followed, though it can happen. When I needed to create a resume or have references, my job would say that I was a waitress or bookeeper or something, and happily verify my income to apartments, car loan places, etc.

Stripping isn't all roses- there are many girls who are druggies/alcoholics, etc. However, there are a lot of very intelligent, strong women in the profession, and I made many good friends over the years. Honestly, I miss it.

OT-"Dancing at the Blue Iguana" was filmed at my club......I've been on the same stage as Daryl Hannah and Jennifer Tilly, lol!

Kristi


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I always wonder when I hear that someone is stripping. I've known four people who were dancers and three of them had been sexually abused that I knew of. The fourth girl was putting herself through college with it. When her parents found out, they offered to pay for her college and she stopped.


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *grisandole*
Ditto. I started dancing at a nice club when I turned 18- I had a 6month old son, and dancing allowed me to be with him most of the time, as I worked while he slept a few a few nights a week. Much better than staying on welfare or working 40+hours a week for minimum wage. I also had a huge self-esteem boost







I danced for almost 8 years, sometimes off and on, and put myself through school.

Kristi

Yes, you can dance and be a stay at home mom because the hours are relatively short for the good money (and the hours fall after bedtime) and you can't be fired for not showing up when your kid is sick since (this is how it was at my friend's club) as long as you work one or two week nights, they don't care when you come in.


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5*
I always wonder when I hear that someone is stripping. I've known four people who were dancers and three of them had been sexually abused that I knew of. The fourth girl was putting herself through college with it. When her parents found out, they offered to pay for her college and she stopped.

yes, but I counted once that 6 of my 10 closest girlfriends had been sexually abused. It is really prevalent no matter the profession.

My friend that stripped actually had/has the healthiest attitude toward sex of anyone I know. Not that she would have stripped if she could have found a better job. It isn't many people's first choice of profession. . .


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## seedgirl (May 19, 2003)

When my mom found out I was dancing she freaked out. The feminist in her didnt know what to do about it. I was 26 (old for the profession!) ; )

I can understand your fears, really I can. However, its not that bad. I made money to finish college, made tons of friends (almost all of my mommy-friends are ex strippers) and, hell, we even unionized the club!

Dancing is hard work. Hustling for $$ is exhausting. But, it was the ONLY job where I was in control of my work. Every other job I'd had was more demeaning than that. (secretary, waitress, etc...) I had power over the people that paid me and that was damn cool.

If one of my girls decides to dance, I know I'd freak. Then, I'd take a breath and see what *she* tells me.

Good luck, mama!


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

OT- Seedgirl, did you work at the Lusty Lady? I checked it out when I was thinking of moving to Northern Cali, but ended up staying down south.

Kristi


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## seedgirl (May 19, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *grisandole*
OT- Seedgirl, did you work at the Lusty Lady? I checked it out when I was thinking of moving to Northern Cali, but ended up staying down south.

Kristi

for security reasons I can neither confirm nor deny this.

heh. I also worked at another place with actual customer contact. Much better $$ and way more autonomy.

God, sometimes I wish I could go back to dancing. I was so in shape!


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## wende (Oct 4, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *seedgirl*
for security reasons I can neither confirm nor deny this.

heh. I also worked at another place with actual customer contact. Much better $$ and way more autonomy.

God, sometimes I wish I could go back to dancing. I was so in shape!

Haha, I was thinking that exact same thing the other day. I was in incredible shape when I danced!


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## happyhippiemama (Apr 1, 2004)

Heh, I'm impressed, we managed to turn a thread into a "I've never worked there, how's the money?" thread for strippers. ANd on MDC, no less!!

crystal (former AZ and IA dancer)


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