# Thank goodness this is back up and running!



## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Hi, to all.. man what a long three days. I felt like I had been denied my support group!! I have had a long past few days.. Monday was beautiful and I walked down to the ocean and sat talking to Luke for a little while and then drove for the first time to the bank and Wal-mart. It was ok, but a little hard to walk past the baby section,pregnant women, and a woman with a newborn. I felt good until I got home. As soon as I walked in the door I had a breakdown.. I guess I over did it.. I have been sleeping in until 11 am or so, but feel I need the sleep. Yesterday, It was gross outside, sleet and snow. My friend from work called and asked me to lunch, so I met her out at Vivos. After lunch we went and had a manicure... It was really nice and was going well until, this young woman came in who was 7 month's pregnant and was placed across from me to dry her nails. She was talking about the baby and how it was her first and how she was anxious about everything going ok. And how her husband was concerned about her being in a nail place with the fumes. She said that she told him to stop over reacting. I wanted to scream.. It may not be ok, you should be concerned... I just smiled and told her that she was blessed and to take good care of herself. My friend was kinda worried about me and this I could tell.. again it didn't upset me strangely enough I was truely happy for her and wanted everything to be ok for her. When I came home, I did feel a little sad so I went to sleep for about 3 hours and woke up in a pool of drool









Today I woke up around 10:30 am and my husband asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. It was a little chilly, but we walked down to the ocean and onto the board walk a while, about 2 miles. We sat on the board walk looking at the ocean and talking about Luke and the other babies that were out and about. I guess we are healing some.. I know it will take time and there will be good days and bad. But there is always hope and that is what we have to hang on to. When I was pregnant with Luke, I use to pray to God to let Luke be healthy and grow strong inside me, and that My husband and I would grow stronger in our relationship. Well, God did both, but I failed to ask for a son to raise and nurture and I have added that to my prayers. The Dr. said that he was perfect, and the autopsy showed nothing wron with him. So, maybe he was too perfect to live her on earth. .. I dunno.. I just try to give myself piece of mind with these thoughts.

Today the nurse called from the hospital and said that Luke's pictures had come back, it will be a month tomorrow.. I have been anticipating the pictures everyday and finally they will be here.. I am sort of scared to look at them, but know that as soon as I put my eyes on him I will have a hard time taking them off. I miss him so much.. I have been having these feelings of anxiety, I guess that is what it is.. some times I feel like I am going to crawl out of my own skin.. I think that is why I have needed to get out of the house.. I think that I am going to try and ease my way back into work at the end of the month. I need to get through the fear of seeing my clients that I am suppose to be helping and breaking down when they talk about what happened. I guess it will be ok for them to see me shed a tear, in some way it makes me more human to them.. I dunno... I have so many things going through my mind right now, Friday I will be going to the Dr. to see the results of my blood test for clotting d/o's so that is another thing on my mind.. I feel like I am just rambling now.. so I will take a break.. I am so glad that they got this thing back on track!! I needed to talk (type).

I hope everyone is doing well and you are in my thoughts, always.


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## saritabeth (Jun 25, 2004)

My thoughts and prayers were with you while this thing was down. Your story has touched me so much. All three of you are in my prayers.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

saritabeth-

Thank you for thinking of us.. it is a blessing to have so many people praying for us. I am thankful for everyone on this site. I hope all is well with you and yours


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## mama2eve (Jul 1, 2004)

Hi Sarah

I just wanted to send you some support from across the globe and down under - Australia to be exact. I am so sorry for your loss. I have followed your story and cried for you and the loss of your perfect baby boy.

Your walks by the ocean sound very therapeutic and I am sure your beautiful son can hear every word you say. Blessings to you and your husband on this emotional journey.......


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

It puts a smile on my face to think of you at the ocean talking to all the little angels in the world and especially to your son. I think that you are right that some babies are just too perfect for this world so God takes them back. (Either that or they were born to be serial killers







) Sorry for the sarcasm. I like to think the former.









I know how hard it can be to ease back into the world. Please make sure you ease in not jump in. It was hard going out and doing things at first but it gets easier and being busy can be a blessing. I don't mean its a good idea to avoid grief through busy-ness but just that you feel a bit more alive yourself when you return to the world.

Peace to you as you slide back into your life.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Thank you both for the kind words.. It means a lot to know that we are not on this journey alone.

I am trying to ease back into things, I think I must be ovulating, because I am having some discomfort.. at first I thought it was gas, but then I remembered uh huh.. I remember this feeling... It kinda put a smile on my face to know that I am still working... But at the same time I remember the discomfort of my period. I will be looking forward to them from now on!!


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sarah9774*
Today the nurse called from the hospital and said that Luke's pictures had come back, it will be a month tomorrow.. I have been anticipating the pictures everyday and finally they will be here.. I am sort of scared to look at them, but know that as soon as I put my eyes on him I will have a hard time taking them off.

Sarah,
This last Friday, my mom gave to me a roll of film she had developed almost a year ago. March 26th will be a year since my daughter was born/died. She has waited to give me these pictures for several reasons. One reason, these are the only really good pictures of me holding my daughter.
So...she gave them to me. I began to head home, sat the envelope of pictures on the passenger seat in my car, still having not looked at them yet. All of a sudden traffic stopped. There had been a horrible fatal accident up ahead. Traffic was completely stopped. I decided to reach over and open the pictures. I looked at the pictures of me holding my beautiful daughter. Part of me has forgotten how truly beautiful she was. Her blond hair, full lips, cleft chin, long fingers and toes like her Dad...I sat a looked at the pictures and cried, smiled, laughed, got angry and sobbed. I sat with traffic not moving for an hour. My whole world stopped moving for one whole hour. It was just Gracie and I. And in that moment...that is all that mattered to me. As I began to put the pictures back in the envelope, traffic began to move and a song came on the radio. I remember after Gracie died, I heard this song, "Here without you" by Three Doors Down....I remember feeling like..."Oh my goodness, this song is exactly how I feel about Gracie"...and wouldn't you know that is the song that came on Friday afternoon.
It was healing for me to sit in that dreaded traffic, letting my tears come freely, without a care in the world. Not once did my cell phone ring, not once did I cuss at the traffic, not once did I question what was happening right there in that moment. I knew. I knew that Gracie's spirit was right there with me. As crazy as that sounds to others....I have no question that she is here with me.

My hope for you Dear Sweet Sarah is that looking at Luke's pictures will bring you some joy, that just maybe a smile will creep across your lips and that you too, will feel the presence of your child.

~Jackie


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Sarah,
Thinking about you and all you're going through this week. I am wondering if you got your pictures yet and how it went. I know I look at Addie's occasionally and I am just so glad for them. If I start to feel like I am forgetting any detail of her I pull them out to gaze at. It can be hard too, just looking at her and thinking about how she was just a perfect baby, how she almost made it here...Anyway, I hope your week is going well and will be anxious to hear about your clotting test results.
-Angela


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

I just got home from the hospital, my husband woke me today around 4p.m. tears in his eyes, I can't fel my arm, he said. And I am having pains in my chest. I automatically got up and we went straight to the ER. He has been having chest pains, like indigestion. But for some reason, the panic on his face. I said we are going to the ER. After 5 hours of testing and waiting, they came and said everyting looked o.k., but they wanted to keep him overnight for observation, and do an ECO and Stress test in the am. I wanted to stay with him.. but he said go home and feed the cat's..the nurse told me ..go home and get some sleep..he will be in testing all morning and will hopefullly be ready to come home around noon tomorrow.. I wanted to stay, but hearing the other people in pain, babies crying (a lot of sick children there) and just being scared to be in ER I came home and am typing this now. My husband didn't want me to call his family to worry them.. I don't know what to do... I have the Dr. appointment I have to get the results tomorrow.. I guess if I can't sleep I will go back to hospital. He is going to be in the ER till tomorrow...I think I am in shock, but he says, and Dr. says he will be ok. He said he feels fine now.. Please pray for us.... I can't stand the thought of anymore trama. He's only 34 years old for crying out loud!!!


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## saritabeth (Jun 25, 2004)

sarah, sarah, sarah....








s to you. I really do not even know what to say. Do you have a good girlfriend who can come and stay with you tonight? Please call someone if you can, you don't need to do this alone.

Im sure he will be fine, but you continue to be in my prayers.
Much love
sarah


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Oh Sarah,
I am so sorry to hear about all this! I feel like so much has happened to you guys over the last month. I will be praying for you both. And remember, your husband does have an angel watching over him. I hope everything is okay. Keep us posted. I wish I could do more.








Angela


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Sarah,
I am overwhelmed reading your post. I am so sorry this is happening.
Honestly, since they ruled out a heart-attack, it really sounds like major panic/anxiety attacks. I am no doctor...but my own dh has gone through this also....I am so glad to hear that you and dh didn't second guess anything and headed straight to the ER.

I second what saritabeth said...Do you have someone that could come be with you tonight...until dh is home with you?
If I lived near you, I would be on my way...as i am sure many of the other mamas here would.

Love, peace and lots of prayers to you and dh.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

I am so sorry you are going through this, especially so soon after losing Luke.
Like the others have sugested, please don't be alone while you are waiting.

you are all in my thoughts

tara


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers, I ended up going back to the hospital until I could'nt stay any longer. My husband is fine.. they found a heart murmer, which the Dr. said had nothing to do with his pain, but that it was panic due to everything going on and heartburn. He recommended that he go to the MD and get a referral to a specialist to get it checked out. Thank goodness!!!

I went to the Dr. and got the results this morning while he was having his test. I found out that I do have a clotting d/o called Prothrombin/FactorII. THe Dr. said it could very well been the cause of Luke's death, and started me on Lovenox shot's (she said after surgery they usually put patients on this daily for 6 weeks, so I have 14 days of shots, my husband will probably give them to me). And when it comes time for us to try again, I will have to take the shot's every day. I am having my legs checked for clots too, just in case, due to DVT. The Dr. said that my siblings should be tested and parents too.

If anyone here has has a number of Mc's or even 1 SB, I would urge you to talk to your Dr. about BC disorders and testing. They do not offer it as routine, but it could save your life..

In some way I think.. maybe Luke saved my life.. and I love him for that.. but it sure is a sucky way of finding out you have a potentially life threatening d/o.

I love you all and thanks for the ongoing support


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