# Etiquette on what to call grandparents?



## HRJ (Sep 2, 2010)

Okay, my son is almost 6 and was the first grandchild on my side of the family. he sort of named my parents what he calls them, and my parents love the names and that's what they want to be called.

My son was the 6th grandchild on my husband's side, and he just calls his other grandparents what the previous grandkids named them. They are not the most dignified names, but those names are their names, so we roll with it.

Now my brother and his wife had a baby (who is 7 mos and doesn't talk yet). It is their first . First granchild on SIL's side, and the second on our side. They get to name SIL's parents what they want (just like we did). but they insist that their child will not call my parents by the names my son came up with.

So this is very wierd when we are hanging out together and my son, my husband, myself, my sister, my mom and dad all call them one thing, and my brother and SIL call them something else.

I figure I went along w/ the silly names the other grandkids came up w/ for my husband's parents. Why don' they?

I'm also having another baby in the spring, and we'll have our 2nd kid call them what my son came up w/.

So is there any official etiquette on this?


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## Joyster (Oct 26, 2007)

If the grandparents are fine with it, then leave it be. There is not etiquette stating that all grandchildren have to refer to grandparents by the same name.

If they're not fine with it, then leave it be, it's a ball of wax you don't have to get involved in and really in the end, it's in the not your business camp.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

I called my mom's parents one thing, my cousins (children of my mom's brother) called them something else. Not a big deal in our family.


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## tabrizia (Oct 24, 2007)

We went by what the first Grandchild named them when I was growing up, but if the Grandparents don't mind I don't think it really makes a difference.


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## HRJ (Sep 2, 2010)

I think that if my child came up with a new name for my husband's parents when he was actually able to talk, they would have thought it was fine. i think if I waltzed in before the child could even talk and say 'my kid is not calling you this. He's going to call you that" - my ILs would think I was a presumptious bitch.

And my parents want to be what they are already called. That's the other issue - they refer to themselves as what my son has named them.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I don't honestly think there's an etiquette issue other than that the grandparents should not feel offended by what their grandkids call them. But there is no expectation that other kids call their grandparents what your kids call them.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

I'm not aware of any "official etiquette". I don't think all cousins have to use the same names. That seems pretty rigid to me. I suppose if the grandparents have a real preference, they should have the final say. It sounds like your SIL really dislikes whatever names are currently used though. If that's the case, then I have some sympathy for her. I'd probably try to come up with something that I liked too.

In our family, my IL's named themselves (Gran and Grandad) and so it was easy to use "Grandma and Grandpa") for my parents. My dc don't have cousins on my DH's side of the family, so the issue has never come up there. On my side of the family, the cousins tend to use "Grandma and Grandpa" but those are so common I've never thought about it. If they used something different, it would never cross my mind to object or even to wonder about it. It's really none of my business.

But then, I grew up hearing my father called different names depending on who was speaking to him - people from his ethnic background used his actual name, "white folks" used an easy-to-pronounce anglicized nickname, we all called him "Dad", my mom called him "Hon". I just don't think one person with different names is a big deal.

I'm curious about what you called the grandparents BEFORE your DS could talk. You must have used some moniker that was abandoned when he came up with his own.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Another thing I thought of, and I'm probably in the minority here (?), is that I don't like when parents try to make a ruling about what their kids should call the grandparents, and especially when they decide when the grandchild is pre-verbal or not even born yet. I like it to be more natural, where the kids call their grandparents whatever comes naturally. The idea of trying to create and enforce a pet name between other people bugs me.

For example, we called my FIL "Grandpa Bob" and my dd ended up calling him Papa Bobba" which is still his name. I think it's sweet that she has her own name for him.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Yes, it's called being respectful of others. Your brother and his wife get to decide on what their children will call the grandparents. The only other people that need to be involved are the grandparents. There is no way to tell if what they decide will stick however. If all of the extended family is close enough to see each other regularly, their children could just adopt what the other grandchildren call the grandparents. Or stick with what their parents come up with. The grandchildren will all sort it out. Don't sweat it now. You will just cause trouble where no trouble exists.


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## greenemami (Nov 1, 2007)

In my fam the grandparents get to pick what they get to be called, so I would leave it up to your parents to say something if it bothers them.

My kids understand that different people use different names. I.e., they call me mommy, niece calls me Aunt Firstname, dsd calls me firstname or nickname, I call her grandparents mom and dad but daddy calls them by their first names, etc., so I don't think it would be a huge deal to hear their cousins using a different name. Dd actually gets a kick out of listing all the different variations, lol.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

My nieces don't call my mom the same name that my kids call her. It's never been a big deal for us -- I never even really thought about it before.

ETA: After reading your 2nd post, it sounds like you must have other issues with your brother and SIL beyond this -- your anger about it seems OTT to me if this is your only problem with them.


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## HRJ (Sep 2, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
My nieces don't call my mom the same name that my kids call her. It's never been a big deal for us -- I never even really thought about it before.

ETA: After reading your 2nd post, it sounds like you must have other issues with your brother and SIL beyond this -- your anger about it seems OTT to me if this is your only problem with them.

Overall i get along w/ them pretty well. SIL does tend to be a control freak, and everyone gets a little tired of that (including my parents and husband). So that is probably why it hits a nerve w/ me- seems like it is just one more thing she is trying to control. I mean, I feel like I won't call my parents what they call them if they ask me to (which i can see coming).


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HRJ* 
Overall i get along w/ them pretty well. SIL does tend to be a control freak, and everyone gets a little tired of that (including my parents and husband). So that is probably why it hits a nerve w/ me- seems like it is just one more thing she is trying to control. I mean, I feel like I won't call my parents what they call them if they ask me to (which i can see coming).

Well that would be ridiculous of them, especially since they're the ones breaking the whole name tradition thing (which again, I actually think is fine). If your SIL somehow ends up asking you to refer to your parents by her chosen grandparent name (You can really see that happening? Your SIL must be a piece of work for that to even be a possibility), I'd just get a pleasantly baffled expression on my face and say, "My kids already have a name for their grandparents."


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

As long as your parents are ok with being called whatever your SIL's kid comes up with, I don't see that this is any concern of yours. If your parents have a problem with being addressed with two different names, I'm sure they'll mention it.


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## LaLaLaLa (Oct 29, 2007)

DH's dad refused to choose what he would be called. My SIL, whose kids are older than mine, decided he would be called "Grandfather," which made me inwardly







whenever I heard it. Are we Victorian?

Anyway, I can't see ever having my kids call him that, so they don't. They call him Grampy L, my nieces call him Grandfather, and as far as I know it's a non-issue. If I'd thought I had to refer to my FIL as Grandfather for the rest of his life, just because someone else thought it was an appropriate name, I'd be irritable.

Perhaps my SIL hates my guts for being so controlling and not going along with her choice, but we actually have a number of differences in philosophy so I'm not losing sleep over the name thing.


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## WifeMomChiro (Jul 28, 2010)

My cousins and I had different names for my Grandpa over the years. It changed a few times. I don't think it is a big deal. My dd has recently started wanting to call my mom Grandma instead of the previous name she was using. I think things evolve and as long as the grandparents are fine with it, then it's no big deal.


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## Marissamom (Dec 17, 2009)

on my mom's side we use the nicknames that my oldest cousin came up with (all of my cousins do), on my dad's side it's been grandpa and grandma, some of use put their first name after that.

with DD, she is my MIL's 4th grandchild, so we try to use grandma like DD's cousins, same deal with my stepdad, he already has grandkids, so we're using the name his grandkids call him. for the other grandparents we're in limbo-land. they don't have preferred names, and DD hasn't come up with any yet.

I really think in your situation you should let your parents deal with it if they don't like the nicknames, unless it does get to the point of your SIL asking you to use her names, then I would say no and leave it at that unless she was really getting on you about it.


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## Kelly1101 (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sewchris2642* 
Yes, it's called being respectful of others. Your brother and his wife get to decide on what their children will call the grandparents. The only other people that need to be involved are the grandparents. There is no way to tell if what they decide will stick however. If all of the extended family is close enough to see each other regularly, their children could just adopt what the other grandchildren call the grandparents. Or stick with what their parents come up with. The grandchildren will all sort it out. Don't sweat it now. You will just cause trouble where no trouble exists.

This.

I'd be upset if someone was insisting that MY kid call a grandparent by a certain name. I couldn't care less what someone ELSE'S kid calls their grandparents.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HRJ* 
So this is very wierd when we are hanging out together and my son, my husband, myself, my sister, my mom and dad all call them one thing, and my brother and SIL call them something else.

Why is it weird? My siblings and I called my dad's parents by certain names (Nana and Grandpa Jack) and my cousins called them something else (just Grandma and Grandpa). Why should everybody have to use the same names?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HRJ* 
And my parents want to be what they are already called.

I missed this before. I think this is the _only_ issue. If your parents don't like it, it's not very nice.

Do your SIL's parents go by the same names or anything like that? I know a lot of families like to use names that clearly differentiate between sets of grandparents. (I keep that easy, as my parents, stepdad and in-laws are all "Grandpa/Grandma firstname".)


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I don't honestly think there's an etiquette issue other than that the grandparents should not feel offended by what their grandkids call them. But there is no expectation that other kids call their grandparents what your kids call them.

yeah, I don't think that you should have any influence in what your nephlet's call the grandparents. i know parents who have insisted on more formal/respectful names. Right now, my aunt's and uncles take offense at being called 'grand' anything, but I"m sure that will change in time.


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## Girlprof (Jun 11, 2007)

In the original post, you stress that each grandchild is the first for one set of grandparents so they at least get to pick one name. [And I guess, they should therefore abide by the already-chosen name for the other set of GPs.] I don't agree with that at all. We were not first on either side and it already felt a bit like, oh, we're not going to be *as* exciting with our children as our sibs were with their "first" grandchildren. [That might have been post-partum insanity, because really, who cares?]

But, if we had also had to go along with the goofy names those first grandchildren thought up, I would not have been happy. Indeed, there was a bit of an effort from my parents to get our kids to sign on to the names from my brother's kids. But our kids thought up their own names, and that works completely fine. Our kids don't always even use the same name for the same person - i.e., DS calls grandpa one thing and DD calls him another. Really, they don't get confused about who is being addressed. I'd not pick trouble where there's none to be had.


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## elmh23 (Jul 1, 2004)

Honestly, I think you're overthinking this. It doesn't matter to you what your niece calls your parents. If they are bothered by it, then they need to talk to your brother and his wife on their own.


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## HRJ (Sep 2, 2010)

Maybe I'm mad then that DS has to call his other grandparents such silly names. I mean for me it's like 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander.' It's too late now to change what DS calls his other grandparents though.


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## Kelly1101 (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HRJ* 
*Maybe I'm mad then that DS has to call his other grandparents such silly names.* I mean for me it's like 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander.' It's too late now to change what DS calls his other grandparents though.

THAT (bolded) is completely understandable.

I imagine your SIL feels the same way... so, don't encourage them to make the same mistake you made


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HRJ* 
Maybe I'm mad then that DS has to call his other grandparents such silly names. I mean for me it's like 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander.' It's too late now to change what DS calls his other grandparents though.

No, he doesn't. He can choose other names, unless those grandparents object. He's 6. Over time, my kids have changed what they call DH and me. I think there's often a natural development from baby-ish names e.g Mummy to Mumma to Mom. The same thing can happen with grandparent names.

It sounds like you are unhappy because your SIL has spoken up while you remained quiet. Your unhappiness with the silly names is understandable, but your SIL didn't cause that problem and the solution doesn't rest with her.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I think the grandparents should get to decide what the they are called and that none of this is really your business. My kids grandpa is called different things by each family. My kids call him Papa (My oldest dubbed him that. I am sure we probably referred to him as grandpa and thats the best she could do. it stuck.) but when BIL started having kids (the only other grandchildren) he wanted his kids to call him papa which necessitated another name for them to call their grandfather. whatever. its not like we had a conference and decided what the grandfather was going to be called now. My kids still call him papa and the boys call him whatever it is they call him.







. The only time I remember discussing this is when I was pregnant with my oldest and one of the other grandchildren was due at the same time. We were talking to grandma and grandpa about "now you are going to be a great grandma" and another cousin (who was only about 8 or 9 at the time I think) looks up and says with all sincerity and confusion and indignant that we missed this very large fact "you have always been a great grandma!" indeed she has which led us to dub her on the spot Grandma GREAT! And I believe all the great grandchildren (of which there about 25 now, a mere 14 years later) call them that.

This is not a choice the parents get to make. If you wanted your kids to all their grandparents something else you should have told them too. But they have their names now (the silly ones) and if everyone is happy why worry about it? and if the other grandma is happy with what your child is calling her then so be it. If she is not it is her job to address it. not yours. its not your name. HOWEVER, i think it is really sweet you went along with the silly names. the grandparents must really like it if they did not change it. I think it is important to honor that.


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## CookAMH (Jun 2, 2008)

The pattern we have adopted is that 1) gparents are asked what they want ot be called 2) and that has occured with the first grandchild, and subsequent grandchildren regardless of sibling uses the same name.

So, I think it is up to your SIL to defer to the name already in use.


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## treeoflife3 (Nov 14, 2008)

I think it should be up to the grandparents to determine if they are okay with what they are called.

I have lots of people in my family whom I call something different from everyone else (my step grandpa goes by his first name with me and everyone else calls him grandpa, including other step grandchildren. I call another person 'terri' when everyone else calls her theresa, some of whom get confused when I say terri.) what someone is called is really a matter between the callee and caller (hehe... )

I refer to my grandpa as gramps a lot. He loves it. Even when I hadn't said it in a few years, that is how he ALWAYS signs his cards. My brother has never called him that.

On the other hand though, my mom jokes about being called 'big mama' and sometimes refers to herself as such with kiddo. I do NOT encourage this and have told my mom I'd rather that not be used. My undies won't be in a twist though if kiddo someday picks it up. not the end of the world. I'd just as soon prefer she call my mom plain old grandma though.

but what another family unit calls their grandparents isn't up to you. Sure, the grandparents in question are the same for both family units, but their family and your family are not the same. if the grandparents have issue, they should be the ones concerned here.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

I think it's up to the grandparents to decide what they want to be called, or what they are comfortable being called.

I see no reason that all grandchildren need to use the same names.


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## simplehome (Jul 13, 2004)

I totally think that this is an issue between your brother/SIL and your parents. Keep on calling your parents what they want to be called, and just don't enter the discussion.


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## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

Honestly I have to say I don't like what my In-laws want the girls to call them







so I encourage them to call them something else. My MIL and FIL want to be called Mama and PopPop. PopPop I don't have a problem with but my girls call me Mama and have since they could talk. When my MIL started insisting they were calling her (when they weren't) I decided to save them the heartache and have them call her grandma or another suitable name. Especially since the girls have already decided on calling me Mama and they should have the right to call their mother whatever they want without getting upset because someone else keeps answering.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

don't the grandparents get to choose?

When ds was just under two and had terrible pronunciation (really he did), grandma and grandpa came out as "bunga" and "bunka". We didn't stick with that. I figured no grandparent should be stuck with a 2 year old pronunciation, and my parents wanted to be called 'grandma' and 'grandpa'.

Dh's aunt chose to be called "Oma" (German for grandpa) because she'd had an unhappy divorce and didn't want to be linked with her ex by being Grandma S when he was Grandpa S.

But otherwise, I'd stay out of this at all costs. Call them what you want. Let your SIL/BIL figure it out on their own. Does it really matter?


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

As long as the name is not rude in some way, kids should call grandparents and/or other relatives by whatever name is mutually acceptable to both parties

My boys call their dad's parents Grandma S and Grampa B. Their cousins call them Mamaw and Pap. We don't live near each other, but when we all get together it's never been a problem.

Another thing...I have a cousin who is the same age as me, but she's actually my _dad's_ first cousin. So, his mother is my cousin's aunt. I called my grandmother Nana, and my cousin called her Auntie D. Obviously, just because we were the same age didn't mean we were going to call her the same thing.


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