# If this is your last baby, are you having trouble accepting that like I am?



## livelovelaugh (Mar 14, 2008)

I posted this in my DDC, but I thought I would try here, too

I am such a bumbling mess. Went to see my beloved midwife for my PP visit and immediately burst into tears...because once again I am so sad to be (gulp) "done" having babies. I have posted about this before, but we have 3 healthy children, and dh is definitely done, as our first two require a lot of energy and attention, financially 3 is a lot for us, etc., but I could really just keep having them forever. Alas, I am 37, and dh is done. This is so unfathomably hard for me. My poor midwife...these past 7 years of childbearing have just been so incredibly empowering and life changing for me and I do not want this part of my life to be over...not sure I could ever get to the point where I could be "ready" to be done...anyone else with me?


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## Kellyh_01 (Apr 24, 2006)

I was like that up until I had number 4, and then (now) I finally really feel like I am done, no matter what. Now I am perfectly content with the family that I have. Before, though, I would never have done any permanent birth control, and I imagined that menopause would be a time of mourning. Just tell yourself, "We're done at least for now." You don't know what might happen. My husband didn't "want" any more than our first 2, but the others ended up coming along anyway, eventhough we didn't intentionally conceive them. Maybe if you look at it as just for the time being, and not necessarily forever, that may help. I never imagined I would feel "done" either. But now I am very happily "done."


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

In a very similar boat except the baby is now 16 months and I still can't move on. I can't say that I am done and I can't say that I'm not.







We have 3 kids as well, the first two also require a lot more. Both have some special needs that aren't bad in the scope of things but DD1's therapies are pricy, DD2 has been in the hospital 3 times this year, it all adds up. We are handling it now but that one more very well could push us over. Ideally I should be done, yet there is that little voice inside.... I am not any help about moving on but just know you are not alone.


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## tammyswanson (Feb 19, 2007)

I just was going to post my birth story and saw your post. It's funny, because I sort of feel that way a little bit too. I wasn't planning on any more, but you never know! I'm also your age too, but women have healthy babies in their 40's, don't forget. I'm not sure if this is the last one for me, but it probably will be. I doubt DH wants any more, lol! Plus I'd have to wait another 3 years or so until the next one just to recoup my reserves physically.

Personally, I was the last person on earth who thought she would ever have a kid. I never thought it would happen, as I never wanted them at all, lol!

You never know what will happen though, barring a physical reason for not having another one.


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## tallulahma (Jun 16, 2006)

ever since I had #3 in december I have said, "i am done. done. done" I wanted lots of children... I wanted at least 5... dh wants 4.

i had a hard time with #3- my dh lost his job a month before I was due, we had to sell our home when ds was only 5 months old... we just moved two states away...

so I just felt like I was overwhelmed.

But now, he is 8 months, he crawls and plays... he isnt as little and I find myself having all these really sad moments where I think "how can I be done? ill never nurse a newborn again, Ill never birth again, etc etc"

i guess I just keep saying, "no more for now"


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## RedOakMomma (Sep 30, 2004)

I responded in your other thread about how common these feelings are, the help of therapy, etc. I think a lot of women reach this phase and have become so comfortable (and proud!) of their childbearing selves, that they feel fear at moving into the next phase. I think most of the times that's completely normal and healthy, though sometimes it's a case of a woman being so entrenched in her role as a mother/childbearer, than she's lost herself and her ability to project her life forward as anything else. That's always what I feared, at least.

I'm pregnant with our 4th baby (5th if you include our loss), and I know this is it. I just couldn't handle mothering 5 children well. After our last two, I did not feel done. I actually argued and argued with dh about whether or not to have this baby, about how I had this ache for a child I knew was there but not born yet...it was awful. That's when we/I turned to counseling, and it was incredibly helpful to hear that this is common struggle, to get a third perspective, and to have a constructive way to talk about this issue.

So I'm pregnant with this one, and I know she's our last. I'm okay with that. Dh is going for the big V next spring, and I'm okay with that. The feelings I have now about being done are night and day from what they were with our last child--when I felt so torn. This time I feel very at peace...and honestly, after pushing dh one child past his comfort zone, I can't imagine ever pushing for more. He's already "given" this gift of a child to me/us out of incredible trust and love. Part of being at peace with our family size has been this process of arguing/talking out the choices we faced for our family size. I really see what a struggle it was for dh to get to this place, and I just admire him and adore him beyond all reason (







) for what he's done. Stopping with this child feels very much like a well thought-out and VERY agreed-upon decision as a loving couple, and his love (as much as the joy of this upcoming baby) makes my heart and family feel as full as it needs to be.

Best of luck to you. Remember...as much satisfaction and joy as you find in THIS stage of your life is also waiting for you in the next stage. You just need to move forward and find it.


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## Vaquitita (Mar 2, 2006)

i'm pregnant with baby #3 and dh wants to be done. of course he wanted to be done after #2, and then this little surprise came along.







after #2, I just could not accept that this was my last baby. i'd be ok for awhile, then i'd get baby cravings and cry all over again. that went on for 2 years. This time, I'm not sure. Part of me is starting to see life without an infant as a good thing, being able to focus on homeschooling my kids/etc. but another part of me isn't quite done yet. I do think if we had one more, that would be the last. I think I would definitely feel done and ready to move on. I may feel ready for that after this one is born, but I don't know... I'm only 31, so we could wait awhile and still have another, though at that point we'd have to have 2 more









Anyway, you are not alone.


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kellyh_01* 
I was like that up until I had number 4, and then (now) I finally really feel like I am done, no matter what. Now I am perfectly content with the family that I have. Before, though, I would never have done any permanent birth control, and I imagined that menopause would be a time of mourning. Just tell yourself, "We're done at least for now." You don't know what might happen. My husband didn't "want" any more than our first 2, but the others ended up coming along anyway, eventhough we didn't intentionally conceive them. Maybe if you look at it as just for the time being, and not necessarily forever, that may help. I never imagined I would feel "done" either. But now I am very happily "done."

OMG I could have written the same thing. Number 4 has done that for me! The pregnancy was great, the birth was great and the baby is great but I just can't imagine doing it all over again.

Having said that, we all know there are many who go on to have lots and lots and love it, so to each his/her own!


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## MyFullHouse (Apr 23, 2010)

I felt that way when #4 was born. He was our surprise last baby. Now #5 is going to be our surprise last baby







, and I have absolutely NONE of those "I can't believe it's over" feelings.

Of course, that could be b/c my 1yo niece was just here, and now I'm nervous about doing it all over again!


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## lynsage (Jul 13, 2004)

DF says he definitely doesn't want any more...I want one more. I'm having a really hard time with this pregnancy, too, which isn't helping my case for wanting more kids









He is planning to have a vasectomy after this baby is born. It's making me really sad. I'm really struggling with it.


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## terra-pip (Aug 30, 2008)

livelovelaugh: I posted in DDC but just thought I would post again. I'm really happy that we are done now with our third. Hsbd has his V appt set and we both just really feel that it's time to start a new chapter. I feel like it could be bittersweet not having any more, I enjoyed my pregnancies/births/nursing, and why am I still reading in these threads? lol.

But I know that there are so many things I want to focus on for my family, with my husband, for myself that another pregnancy or nursling could just inhibit. I'm ready to move on...enjoy my family, which is a lot bigger than I ever imagined.


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## livelovelaugh (Mar 14, 2008)

Blah! I don't know what poetic post to reply to first! I just want to meet you all at a coffee shop (decaf coffee shop, of course) and sit and nurse and chat for hours. This will have to do, I suppose, and thank goodness for these forums. I just love them and find them so helpful.

*Redoakmama* - I am in the same boat on the dh issue - we had many, many talks about having #3...he was worried about finances, about whether we could parent the other two as well as we need to with a third, etc., etc. All very practical and very real concerns - and on top of it all he had testicular cancer when he was 32 and again a year and a half ago, went through surgery and then radiation the second time, and THEN I go and remind him how desperately I want a 3rd! No secret to him, he has known all along, but the poor guy! Fortunately, we talked and talked about it before we decided to go for it, so we were in a very good place and feel nothing but blessed now. DH HAD the big V this past May, so that is where we are...I was totally fine with it during pregnancy, felt that I could be done and be perfectly happy with that, that we were complete, which for the most part I do feel, but then I had the baby, experienced another amazing natural birth, and am left not wanting to ever stop having babies! : ) But, he is done, and I need to respect that. Also, I look at DS and DD1 and the meltdowns of late and their need for my attention or just my empty arms around them, and that is my best reminder...ok, so maybe therapy would be a good thing for me! I have thought that several times and will probably look into it at some point, as I know it would be helpful to talk about all of this, about the next stage of life, which I admittedly am both excited and terrified of, and about saying goodbye to the childbearing years and the incredible amount of purpose that brings us. Of course, that purpose remains with our children and just takes on a new form, and all of that is so exciting as well...but it is all different.

shoosh...so sorry to ramble on...you have all been so helpful...thank you - it is so nice to know that I am not alone...although for many of you "4" was the number that seemed to do it for you! LOL


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)




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## mediumcrunch (Dec 10, 2009)

I am feeling that way and I had my ninth. There may be another as neither dh nor I will do anything permanent but I really don't think I have more in my future. I've thought I was 'done' before but deep down knew there were more children waiting. This time I am grieving him being my last so deeply I think it is for real.
I've come and gone from so many ob/midwife practices, severing that cord isn't too hard but still isn't easy.
I've done a lot of thinking about WHY this is so hard, especially why it is so difficult for some women and seemingly easy even celebratory for others.


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## Sudonk (Nov 29, 2005)

I know exactly how you feel. I was the same way after we had our second, though my husband was completely DONE. He lost his job when our first was only 4 months old, and we have really struggled financially for almost 8 years now, because we chose to both work part-time, so we could enjoy these early years with the kids. It is a wonderful choice in many ways, but we were hit with several unexpected finiancial problems that made it much more stressful than it should have been. But I still couldn't get rid of the little spirit baby who seemed to be flitting about, just out of sight, taunting me to let him join the family. I couldn't relax and find peace, because it always felt like someone was missing. I would literally tuck our kids in at night and look around, wondering where the other child had gone before remembering that we only had 2. But DH was adamant about not having more kids.

We finally agreed to ttc for one month, with the agreement that if it didn't happen that month, the discussion would be closed and we would move forward in peace. Then stress and financial problems kept moving the ttcing month back, and when I brought it up, DH said, "Fine, we can try _tonight._ No birth control _tonight_, then we're done talking about it." It wasn't my fertile time, but I was ready to move on, because it had been eating at me for over 2 years at that point, so I agreed with a sense of relief. A week later, I ovulated, and 2 weeks later I got a +++. I have no idea how he did it, but that little spirit baby snuck in under the wire. As soon as he was in our life, that need for more children disappeared, and I found the peace I was seeking. If our finances were different, I would consider more children, but I no longer have that driving NEED for more. It's a wonderful feeling to know what our family looks like, how many car seats we need, what we'll be able to do together as a family this summer, next year and 5 years from now. Moving on to the next stage of life, raising and getting to really know our children, reconnecting as a couple, etc. is WONDERFUL. This is a beautiful stage of life, but I completely understand the need to have everyone in your arms who is supposed to be there before you can relax and enjoy that. I hope you find peace with whatever the future holds for you and your DH with respect to more children.


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## terra-pip (Aug 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sudonk* 
I know exactly how you feel. I was the same way after we had our second, though my husband was completely DONE. He lost his job when our first was only 4 months old, and we have really struggled financially for almost 8 years now, because we chose to both work part-time, so we could enjoy these early years with the kids. It is a wonderful choice in many ways, but we were hit with several unexpected finiancial problems that made it much more stressful than it should have been. But I still couldn't get rid of the little spirit baby who seemed to be flitting about, just out of sight, taunting me to let him join the family. I couldn't relax and find peace, because it always felt like someone was missing. I would literally tuck our kids in at night and look around, wondering where the other child had gone before remembering that we only had 2. But DH was adamant about not having more kids.
I could have written this. I never experienced a driving need but I did have the feelings that something was missing. We thought we were done with ds2 but didn't do anything to prevent or even ttc, and I felt a sadness that ds2 may be our last, I still felt that missing something. Now we have our dd and I feel whole....like this is my family.

We finally agreed to ttc for one month, with the agreement that if it didn't happen that month, the discussion would be closed and we would move forward in peace. Then stress and financial problems kept moving the ttcing month back, and when I brought it up, DH said, "Fine, we can try _tonight._ No birth control _tonight_, then we're done talking about it." It wasn't my fertile time, but I was ready to move on, because it had been eating at me for over 2 years at that point, so I agreed with a sense of relief. A week later, I ovulated, and 2 weeks later I got a +++. I have no idea how he did it, but that little spirit baby snuck in under the wire. As soon as he was in our life, that need for more children disappeared, and I found the peace I was seeking. If our finances were different, I would consider more children, but I no longer have that driving NEED for more. It's a wonderful feeling to know what our family looks like, how many car seats we need, what we'll be able to do together as a family this summer, next year and 5 years from now. Moving on to the next stage of life, raising and getting to really know our children, reconnecting as a couple, etc. is WONDERFUL. This is a beautiful stage of life, but I completely understand the need to have everyone in your arms who is supposed to be there before you can relax and enjoy that. I hope you find peace with whatever the future holds for you and your DH with respect to more children.

And this is how I feel too....this is what my family is supposed to look like. Everyone is here who's supposed to be. I do feel great after this birth, tired but great...nothing seems to bother me over much like with my ds2, where I did feel some slight ppd because of that empty feeling.

Great post.


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## zeynepercan (Feb 24, 2010)

how you guys manage 4 or 5 kids .. this is my number 2 and I am done maybe one more but my husband definetly does not want more kids.


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## TinaM (Oct 5, 2006)

I am having a hard time accepting it even now. My "baby" is 2.5 years old. I am watching her grow so fast and ever so slowly getting rid of baby stuff that I have used for all 3 of my kids and it makes me so sad. My husband would have been fine without any kids at all. He was done after 2. I begged for the third. Just the other day I made a joke about having another to see his reaction. He acted like he didn't hear me. Maybe he didn't. I won't push it. Our marraige seems fragile at times as it is.
I try to look forward to the things we will be able to do as the kids get older.


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## whoami (Nov 24, 2009)

I'm pretty sure this will be our last baby and I'm feeling a little indifferent about it. I would love 2 boys and 1 girl, but I know our lifestyle an personalities won't handle 3 children well so we have agreed on 2 being our magic number. I don't know that I can accept our family being complete quite yet though, at least not until baby is here. We don't plan on anything permanent to prevent another child though.


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## dex_millie (Oct 19, 2006)

Yes, I am having troubles with it. DH was done with the two we have(although we both said 4 was a good number), even went to the dr. to get info about a vesectomy but we held it off because I wasnt sure. Now we are pregnant with number three and I thought I would feel done especially since I wanted to wait a year after nursing DD before even thinking about a next one. I was just so tired, I have been pregnant and/or nursing since 2006 and I just needed a break, so I am only starting to come to reality with this one, I thought I would feel done but now I don't know.


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## karika (Nov 4, 2005)

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but yes. I have pangs. Now that I know all about attachment parenting/ TCC, natural family living... I sometimes wish I had started much earlier and had babies every 5 years or so... but I didn't and things are the way they are because this is the path I made.

I had a baby boy when I was 23 and he died when he was 2 months old, then 5 years later I had a miscarriage, then I had dd1 when I was 33. I thought dd1 was enough. I thought she would be an only. Then I divorced. I was dating someone years later and, well, dd2 was not planned. So now I have 2 beautiful girls. There is a part of me that says, "wouldn't a boy be nice too?" But I am 40 now. Fertility has not returned. I am single. I have no career or job even... so I am not going to have another child. I savor every moment of dd2. While she is nursing, the cute things they both do.... She is no longer 'tiny' The newborn stage is my forte.. what i am best at for sure... when they turn 3, I am back in school so to speak.

Every passing of the baton, change of age, has its own things to deal with.... I am reminded of a line from "Arthur" (one of my fave movies), when Arthur is visiting his butler/ surrogate father in the hospital. they have a discussion about how hard it is to be the old one and Arthur says, "sorry but its your turn to be the old one" or something like that... it is our turn to be the elders... when we are born into a body again, we will be the young one, though we won't remember this time... but we have a chance at all of it. Now is my turn to be the old one.... well not that old yet, but I am coming to terms with this being the last baby for sure.


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## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

I knew I wanted one more even while I was pregnant with ds3. I also knew dh was done. Now he's had some major medical issues and there's a good chance he can't have any more kids, even if he wanted to. But I still want one more.


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