# bf using abandonment!



## purpleplum (Aug 5, 2008)

My BF and I are parenting my DD who is 4. He was taking her to her activity when she ran back inside the door to say she loved me. When she went back out the door, he had driven away! He wanted her to hurry because he was running late, and she ran back in. But he still could have made it! DD screamed and I ran out there just in time to catch her running after his car. She got so upset that she was vomiting, it took me a long time to calm her down. I called his phone and told him off, but he won't admit he did _anything_ wrong and he won't come back or even apologize! My heart won't stop pounding because if she hadn't screamed, I have no idea how far she would have ran after him and I would have assumed she was in the car with him.
My DD is still in her activity uniform and crying her eyes out. I keep telling her he was wrong and letting her know she's loved, and she's not alone. I say it's punishing her with abandonment! He says it's my own issues and not to put them on her, and also he did nothing wrong so there's nothing to apologize for. But I know in my heart it is WRONG! What can I say to this man???


----------



## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

I agree that he was wrong and eventually you are going to want him to see that. But I think I might start with the pure safety issue of it -- she ran after the car and probably would have run into or across a street in an effort to catch him. Start there to, um, encourage him to think through the consequences of his actions when they involve a small child. Children don't just shrug and say "Oh well, no ballet". Once he sees that, then talk about the emotional impact of his actions. Would he have left you if you needed to run back into the house? If so, then he is saying he is more important than anything and I, frankly, would reconsider the whole thing after getting that message! If he wouldn't have left you, why is it OK to leave a child?

I'm not sure how serious a bf this is. If he is going to co-parent, then you two need to work out the parameters of that -- maybe a parenting class so you are on the same page? If he's your bf without parenting responsiblities, then it seems like you need to draw some barriers.


----------



## purpleplum (Aug 5, 2008)

We're in an LTR and he is in the role of her step-dad basically. I have a ton of books with GD in them, I look up things on the net and read it to him, I explain all of the emotions and dynamics behind certain interactions. If he can't understand what he did was wrong, then yes, I need to look at the whole relationship. Poor DD is intermittently crying and screaming, then calm again, then crying again. She's already been abandoned completely by her dad in the last month.


----------



## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purpleplum* 
She's already been abandoned completely by her dad in the last month.

Yeah, I would definitely be concerned if he didn't see the relationship here. Maybe a healthy, emotionally stable 4 YO with no history of life changing events and abandonment by others would shrug off something like this (though probably not). But a child that has experienced this so recently, the potential for extreme emotional impact should be obvious. And really, even if it *were* just your issue, as he claims, then he should still have not done it because of the impact on you!

Of course, there is the possibility that he actually does get it, realizes that what he did was stupid/thoughtless/wrong but just won't admit it and thus is getting defensive about it. Either way, not shedding any good light on his character, IMHO from the outside with limited knowledge.


----------



## want2bmoms (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purpleplum* 
My BF and I are parenting my DD who is 4. He was taking her to her activity when she ran back inside the door to say she loved me. When she went back out the door, he had driven away! He wanted her to hurry because he was running late, and she ran back in. But he still could have made it! DD screamed and I ran out there just in time to catch her running after his car. She got so upset that she was vomiting, it took me a long time to calm her down. I called his phone and told him off, but he won't admit he did _anything_ wrong and he won't come back or even apologize! My heart won't stop pounding because if she hadn't screamed, I have no idea how far she would have ran after him and I would have assumed she was in the car with him.
My DD is still in her activity uniform and crying her eyes out. I keep telling her he was wrong and letting her know she's loved, and she's not alone. I say it's punishing her with abandonment! He says it's my own issues and not to put them on her, and also he did nothing wrong so there's nothing to apologize for. But I know in my heart it is WRONG! What can I say to this man???


First, off, you can tell him he is a







UA violation (or ten), and that he had no right to do that, or to treat you or your child like he did and that his behavior has caused you to seriously call everything into question...
Additionally, is he in your car? First of all, if he's in your car, then it's your car and YOUR CHILD comes before his schedule EVERY. TIME. Basically, he's being permitted to take her where she needs to go, if there _happens_ to be time to do what he would like to do after that, then he may, provided there is ample time to pick her up on time. If he's not in your car, then I wouldn't let him take her. Clearly he can't be trusted to make good decisions redarding your child's wellfare... doing what he did borders on abuse, it's emotionally/psychologically damaging, it makes her feel UNsafe UNloved and insecure beyond that, diong what he did *is* child abandomement; and had someone found her before you did, and called CPS the state would have had a strong case against both of you (even though you didn't know what was going on) CPS then would have most likely then made the choice for you: he cannot be responsible for her care/transportation unsupervised...
Additionally, it sounds like he doesn't value you/your feelings anymore than he values your little girl's.
He needs to understand that he was wrong and (enter logical consequences) therefore, he cannot help with her transport/unsupervised care for a while because he has shown today that he cannot be trusted to make safe choices for your child's well being [which may mean that either you will drive her or ride along, which means that you both need to plan time for that, and/or he cannot watch her, so you will have to take her with you or have a sitter if you need to go to the store, and that it will have to be budgetted so that you will all miss out on add'l fun things (of course, I'd deduct from his fun first because it's his FAULT, but I'm mean spirited like that with people who think it's ok to pull stunts like his)]. Maybe you can find another parent to drive your LO to her activity for a few bucks a month? Hopefully whatever you chose to do will let him see how seriously you take your child's safety.

If there's nothing you can do and he regularly treats you/your DD with this blatant disrespect and lack of value, I would change the locks and then tell him you have done nothing wrong either, he'll just have to find a different place to live.







: (then again, fwiw, my MIL said to "tell her to pack up her kid and leave that mother







ing







and don't come back, it'l be hard but it'll be worth it!:







my MIL!)







I'm sorry you have such a jerk.


----------



## Wolfcat (Jan 10, 2006)

Well, I may be in the minority here, but I'd have greeted him at the door with garbage bags full of his stuff. And not just because he did that to a 4 yo (although that just makes it so much worse). I would never do that to an adult friend or family member, and I sure as H*** would never even think to do that to a child. He just showed how much respect he has for another human being (and that human is one he is supposed to care about!!). Nuh-uh, not gonna do it, buh-bye!


----------



## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

Maybe I am reading this wrong but what your bf did sounds like a huge safety issue. Kids get run over doing stuff like that. If he doesn't see that what he did was dangerous on a physical _and_ emotional level, I would reconsider the relationship.


----------



## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalaland42* 
Maybe I am reading this wrong but what your bf did sounds like a huge safety issue. Kids get run over doing stuff like that. If he doesn't see that what he did was dangerous on a physical _and_ emotional level, I would reconsider the relationship.

This. I would address this way before the emotional aspects. Because if he doesn't understand the safety problem with what he did, he'll never understand the emotional aspects.


----------



## New_Natural_Mom (Dec 21, 2007)

Everything want2bmoms and wolfcat said. Sorry, but this would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't want a person in my life who thinks this is ok to do to anyone. Child or not.


----------



## Millie Ivy (Dec 8, 2001)

Holy crap, honey that is scary beyond belief!!! Ditto about seriously questioning if this is someone you want to be partnered with, especially as a parent!!!!!!!!!


----------



## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Wolfcat* 
Well, I may be in the minority here, but I'd have greeted him at the door with garbage bags full of his stuff. And not just because he did that to a 4 yo (although that just makes it so much worse). I would never do that to an adult friend or family member, and I sure as H*** would never even think to do that to a child. He just showed how much respect he has for another human being (and that human is one he is supposed to care about!!). Nuh-uh, not gonna do it, buh-bye!

I don't think you are in the minority.


----------



## tallulahma (Jun 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Wolfcat* 
Well, I may be in the minority here, but I'd have greeted him at the door with garbage bags full of his stuff. And not just because he did that to a 4 yo (although that just makes it so much worse). I would never do that to an adult friend or family member, and I sure as H*** would never even think to do that to a child. He just showed how much respect he has for another human being (and that human is one he is supposed to care about!!). Nuh-uh, not gonna do it, buh-bye!

couldnt say it better.

that man would be O-U-T.

anyone capable of acting like that TO A 4 YEAR OLD has issues.


----------



## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Wolfcat* 
Well, I may be in the minority here, but I'd have greeted him at the door with garbage bags full of his stuff. And not just because he did that to a 4 yo (although that just makes it so much worse). I would never do that to an adult friend or family member, and I sure as H*** would never even think to do that to a child. He just showed how much respect he has for another human being (and that human is one he is supposed to care about!!). Nuh-uh, not gonna do it, buh-bye!

I would do the same thing. You don't just drive off on a small child no matter how mad you are at them. It sounds like he lacks the desire to be a part of your life and your child's life and views her more as an annoyance than as a valuable little person with feelings. I would suggest dumping him now so that she doesn't get more attached to him and hurt even more by his abusive parenting. Just imagine what could have happened if he had done this at an event where she just didn't want to leave to go home. You wouldn't have been there to stop something bad from happening.


----------



## Kessed (Nov 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bella Babe* 
Holy crap, honey that is scary beyond belief!!! Ditto about seriously questioning if this is someone you want to be partnered with, especially as a parent!!!!!!!!!


ITA


----------



## JeDeeLenae (Feb 5, 2006)

I can see what he was TRYING to do, but he failed miserably in the execution. Even if he doesn't get it on an emotional level that what he did was wrong, he should be able to get that as far as safety is concerned he was wrong.


----------



## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

That is just mean. While I can understand telling a child who is dawdling, "Look, I have to go to work. Either we can both go now or you will have to wait till next time" (because sometimes you just can't wait), I can NOT understand driving away with a small child running behind your car, crying and screaming. That's just mean. And if he won't even aknowledge the safety issue, muchless cop to being immature and kind of a jerk, then I can't really see how to go forward with him in a parental type role.

Is he often like this when dealing with your dd? Does he usually have unreasonable expectations and a general lack of empathy?


----------



## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

Not cool, not safe, not allowed to be in my child's life.


----------



## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purpleplum* 
What can I say to this man???










You can say "Goodbye".

He put your daughter in danger- she could have been hit by a car, severely injured, possibly killed.

She could have been outside, unsupervised, with you having no idea that she's missing.

He upset her to the point where she was vomitting.

That's abusive.

And he doesn't care.

I love my husband desperately, we've been married for seven years now, and if he ever did anything like that we would be gone before he came home that night. My children's safety and emotional well being is more important than ANYTHING.


----------



## LindyLou (May 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Wolfcat* 
Well, I may be in the minority here, but I'd have greeted him at the door with garbage bags full of his stuff. And not just because he did that to a 4 yo (although that just makes it so much worse). I would never do that to an adult friend or family member, and I sure as H*** would never even think to do that to a child. He just showed how much respect he has for another human being (and that human is one he is supposed to care about!!). Nuh-uh, not gonna do it, buh-bye!


This. That is unspeakably cruel. My heart is breaking for her, I can't imagine if I would have actually seen this happen. There is no way this man would be an influence on my child.


----------



## hipmummy (May 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *inchijen* 
couldnt say it better.

that man would be O-U-T.

anyone capable of acting like that TO A 4 YEAR OLD has issues.









: She is not a demading 16 year old she is 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## MollyandCleo (Jun 14, 2005)

This just makes me cry. My DD is almost 4, and I can imagine how devastated she would be by something like that. That is absolutely a cruel, cruel thing to do to anyone, let alone someone you "love".

It sounds like a total control thing to me. Just out of curiousity, does your bf exhibit other controlling behaviours, either towards you or your dd? Those kinds of behaviours can often be a precursor to worse abuse.


----------



## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

I would say "goodbye".

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purpleplum* 
What can I say to this man???


----------



## purpleplum (Aug 5, 2008)

He apologized to her last night, at my urging. He apologized to me this morning. But I still have a LOT of thinking to do, and watching.


----------



## rockportmama (Jun 24, 2008)

Wow, Purpleplum, what a stressful situation!!!

I'm glad to hear that he apologized!!

While I agree wholeheartedly with everything everyone else has posted, I may have a slightly different perspective. My DH is a wonderful husband and loving Papa, but has no concept of GD. We've -- correction, I've-- talked a lot about what are proper (not degrading) discipline techniques since DS was born 2 1/2 year ago. And DH has come a long way. He's not the perfect papa, but I'm not a perfect mama, either. My DH has done a few boneheaded things, but it helps when I give him credit for the capacity for growth.

My point is, if your bf loves you and your dd, he can be taught better discipline techniques. I find it helps to tell DH a list of viable alternatives to his actions. Sometimes DH does rude things to DS because he simply doesn't know any better. Once he knows better, he does better. 98% of the time, anyway! I also find it helps to use GD techniques on DH! Yelling just reinforces that we yell. I also try to use NVC -- Non-Violent Communication when I can.

However, if bf consistantly resists or ignores your wishes for how DD is to be treated, ditch him. Immediately. The sooner the better to protect your DD.

HTH!


----------



## GradysMom (Jan 7, 2007)

If he doesn't get in and can't see your point of view AT ALL.. I wouldn't be in that relationship...

This is kinda a non-negotiable and many other mommas have said it before me... and said it better!


----------



## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rockportmama* 
Wow, Purpleplum, what a stressful situation!!!

I'm glad to hear that he apologized!!

While I agree wholeheartedly with everything everyone else has posted, I may have a slightly different perspective. My DH is a wonderful husband and loving Papa, but has no concept of GD. We've -- correction, I've-- talked a lot about what are proper (not degrading) discipline techniques since DS was born 2 1/2 year ago. And DH has come a long way. He's not the perfect papa, but I'm not a perfect mama, either. My DH has done a few boneheaded things, but it helps when I give him credit for the capacity for growth.

My point is, if your bf loves you and your dd, he can be taught better discipline techniques. I find it helps to tell DH a list of viable alternatives to his actions. Sometimes DH does rude things to DS because he simply doesn't know any better. Once he knows better, he does better. 98% of the time, anyway! I also find it helps to use GD techniques on DH! Yelling just reinforces that we yell. I also try to use NVC -- Non-Violent Communication when I can.

However, if bf consistantly resists or ignores your wishes for how DD is to be treated, ditch him. Immediately. The sooner the better to protect your DD.

HTH!


I think you make very good points here. My only caution is that he is not biologically related to your dd and therefore might lack that connection that helps out when frustration/anger levels rise.

I'm in no way suggested that adoptive parents or step-parents aren't connected to their kids. But if the BF came into this relationship primarily because of you, then your dd is not at the forefront for him like she is for you. I hope I'm not offending anyone, but this would be a consideration to me if I had a bf and he was very involved in my child's life.

For what it's worth, I'm not always feeling the love for my friend's kids the way I do toward mine when they are being challenging. I do enjoy a lot of kids, but I'm not a total kid person like some people I know. So I understand that extra something that comes out when you have your own. It's so different for me now with mine that it was in the past with other kids. I would just factor in that possibility that he might not have that special something deep inside to motivate him to do the best he can with your dd.

What a hard situation. I hope it works out in a way that is best for all of you.


----------



## MilkTrance (Jul 21, 2007)

I don't think that at this point, telling him to leave, or breaking up with him, would do anything to help her abandonment issues! You need to work through this together if he really is, or wants to be, her father figure.


----------



## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MilkTrance* 
I don't think that at this point, telling him to leave, or breaking up with him, would do anything to help her abandonment issues! You need to work through this together if he really is, or wants to be, her father figure.

I think that continuing this relationship could just be setting her up for worse abandonment in the future.

But then, I have a hard time believing that someone who would drive off and ignore a four year old girl running after their car and crying has any actual interest in being a 'father figure'. And even if he does....sometimes no father figure is better than a bad one.

Now, it's hard to judge from this one snippet of life, and maybe he *is* interested in establishing a relationship with this little girl and maybe he does love her and just is clueless about interacting with children. Only the OP knows. But I strongly disagree with the notion that breaking up with the BF is inherently harmful to the little girl, particularly if this incident just illustrates ongoing problems.


----------



## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Now that things have calmed down a little, was this just his own frustration at being late? Does she have a habit of dawdling?

I say this because I have had to use natural consequences with one of my kids who was a habitual dawdler, no matter how cute the reasons were. It was getting to the point where we were rude to everyone else and she was dragging it out further and further every time. I tried reminders, timers, ect...but it got to the point that I was done.

So we had a similar situation (except for I told DH, who works at home, what was going on. And told my daughter that we was leaving in 5 minutes and if she was not ready to go she would be staying home. She dawdled, wasn't ready, and I walked out the door when I said I would with the other kids. Lots of screaming and crying on her end (DH was there to supervise safety).

I've had to do that a few more times, but now she is pretty good about being punctual.

So I would say that if you are really going to keep this relationship and wish to co-parent that you may need to come to a compromise. (as in, if there's a firm time schedule that he wants, fine, but if he is leaving he needs to inform you first because of safety reasons. If he had done that would you have been okay with it? Or would you have let him have it no matter what because you feel that his need for punctuality should always be trumped by your daughter as long as he has some hope of making it on time? If that's the case it might be more respectful to everyone involved if YOU are the one who drives her to activities if you don't really care about lateness/cutting it close, that way nobody's stressing.)

I don't like to be late. I doubly don't don't like to be late if one person is holding up other people who have similar time constraints. I decided to use natural consequences not because I was a mean abandoning beyotch, but because it was not fair to my other children and it was stressing me out to constantly have to ride a razor thin line at getting them to activities where it was important/expected that they be on time (because when they weren't they disrupted class for 10 other kids, ect). But at the same time, if one is going to impose natural consequences on a child, the least they can do is exercise it with common sense--which means that you inform another adult so they can supervise and don't leave it to chance.

That's really where I think BF made the mistake. I actually don't think it's horrific when you have a regular activity that you have to be at at a specific time, when you've reminded the child, and they still choose to delay or do 'just one more thing', that you then leave to keep to your expected schedule.


----------



## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Wolfcat* 
Well, I may be in the minority here, but I'd have greeted him at the door with garbage bags full of his stuff. And not just because he did that to a 4 yo (although that just makes it so much worse). I would never do that to an adult friend or family member, and I sure as H*** would never even think to do that to a child. He just showed how much respect he has for another human being (and that human is one he is supposed to care about!!). Nuh-uh, not gonna do it, buh-bye!

I agree with this completely, 100 percent. Totally. No question.


----------



## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
That's really where I think BF made the mistake. I actually don't think it's horrific when you have a regular activity that you have to be at at a specific time, when you've reminded the child, and they still choose to delay or do 'just one more thing', that you then leave to keep to your expected schedule.









:

There's a huge difference between doing that respectfully and safely, and the situation the OP described. I don't think there's any problem with saying "I'm afraid you took too long, now you can't go", though.


----------



## Embee (May 3, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purpleplum* 
He apologized to her last night, at my urging. He apologized to me this morning. But I still have a LOT of thinking to do, and watching.

Indeed. For me, this would be a deal breaker however, this is obviously someone you care about and while I would never advise anyone to let go of a relationship that means something to them, you may have to make some really tough decisions ahead, mama.









In any case, if you choose to continue the relationship, It might be wise for the time being to take your BF OUT of the parenting role until you have sat down together and talked philosophy and are reasonably on the same page. And this, ONLY if he willingly agrees to hear you out and is respectful of your decisions. She is YOUR DD, afterall.

You have a DD, you don't need a grown up child to take care of as well. If he is ready to become an adult and take true, and LOVING responsibility for your DD well then... If he's going to pop off easily and make rash decisions based only upon his own needs, well then...

This sounds so very hard, mama. I was raised by a single mom until my mom remarried when I was nearly 10. I was thrilled and loved him to pieces. That is, until they got married and we found out who he really was. In the end, my mom who had six kids already ended up marrying a seventh (who came with an eighth!). I suppose then I'm sensitive to the matter, so this is my .02 for whatever that's worth.

Lots of support to you, mama. I can imagine that over time, your DD might need help in working this one through. For all you need to get straight with BF, do make sure to spend LOTS of special play time with your DD right now so that she can work through her feelings, heal and move on. Apologies are nice, but this kind of thing goes very deep into a child, particularly one who has already been the victim of abandonment.

The best to you and good luck in whatever you decide.









Em


----------



## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Wolfcat* 
Well, I may be in the minority here, but I'd have greeted him at the door with garbage bags full of his stuff. And not just because he did that to a 4 yo (although that just makes it so much worse). I would never do that to an adult friend or family member, and I sure as H*** would never even think to do that to a child. He just showed how much respect he has for another human being (and that human is one he is supposed to care about!!). Nuh-uh, not gonna do it, buh-bye!

Me too, and at this point I don't care that he apologized at your urging. He would be G.O.N.E and yes I was a single mama.

The only way I'd ever let him near me or my kid again was after he had had some long term therapy.


----------



## tree-hugger (Jul 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Wolfcat* 
Well, I may be in the minority here, but I'd have greeted him at the door with garbage bags full of his stuff. And not just because he did that to a 4 yo (although that just makes it so much worse). I would never do that to an adult friend or family member, and I sure as H*** would never even think to do that to a child. He just showed how much respect he has for another human being (and that human is one he is supposed to care about!!). Nuh-uh, not gonna do it, buh-bye!









:

I completely and entirely agree with the previous posters that this is a huge problem in terms of both safety and emotions. I would still end the relationship even though he did eventually apologize--the apology only was prompted by the OP's urging, and it sounds like he doesn't think that what he did was inherently all that bad.


----------



## Wolfcat (Jan 10, 2006)

To add on to my previous post (and in light of the new information), I remember one occasion when I was around 14 where I was being a typical tween/teen and my parents stopped along the highway to yell or something. I jumped out of the car and started walking. My parents drove off.

Now, obviously they came back, but even at 14 when I could reason this out, get home, etc. I was still so terrified and nauseated at the abandonment that I could hardly stand.

To have that happen, even as an adult and as an accident, brings feelings of fear and pain that is often stronger than any other negative emotional situation.

If someone were to do that to my DS at any stage of life, I would consider it wrong. Humans are created/evolved to be SOCIAL creatures. To be abandoned is the single worst thing that can happen to us (which is why people will stay in abusive situations - it's "better" than being alone).

Now, I wouldn't say that there is going to be permanent psychological scarring for your DD.

But I also wouldn't say that there won't.

If you choose to stay with this guy, make very sure he understands that this will NEVER happen again - no doubt, no hesitation.


----------



## NZmumof2 (Jun 22, 2006)

Without passing judgement on bf's act here I see the abandonment as different to the pp. I suspect he thought he was leaving dd in the care of her mother rather than abandoning her. She had gone back inside when he left after all. Not my preferred discipline technque all the same.


----------



## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Reading that made me so angry I can barely think. How dare he?!

My DH doesn't entirely understand GD and it causes conflict between us at times. When I feel he is crossing a line (slapping a hand, yelling, getting mad about something small) I ask him if he would treat me the same way in the situation.

If I left a wet towel on the bathroom floor would he yell at me to clean up after myself?

If I threw a lego block at the TV would he slap my hand?

Of course not. All members of the family deserve to be treated with the same respect.

I'm glad he apologized but maybe to put it into perspective for him ask him if he would abandon you without warning because you were late for a dinner date.


----------



## crazydiamond (May 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Wolfcat* 
Well, I may be in the minority here, but I'd have greeted him at the door with garbage bags full of his stuff. And not just because he did that to a 4 yo (although that just makes it so much worse). I would never do that to an adult friend or family member, and I sure as H*** would never even think to do that to a child. He just showed how much respect he has for another human being (and that human is one he is supposed to care about!!). Nuh-uh, not gonna do it, buh-bye!

I agree as well.

How about resolving conflict with _words_??? If she was running late and he couldn't take her, he should have _told_ her that. But to simply drive off? That's beyond rude.

If my husband did that to me, an adult, I would have to seriously consider the relationship, because he'd be showing me he has so little respect for me he cannot be bothered to talk. It's even worse for a child, especially when she's probably looking for acceptance from him. It's tantamount to a slap in the face and 100% a control issue on his part.

Indeed, the only thing I'd say is "Goodbye". Life's to short to spend it with someone who can do something so abusive as that and not even realize they did something wrong.


----------



## straighthaircurly (Dec 17, 2005)

That was an unbelievably immature reaction on his part. It was sick and selfish! I did that same thing to my brother once but I was only 17yo. I would never dream of doing that to anyone, child or adult and if my DH ever did that I would seriously consider ending it unless he was willing to come to an understanding of how wrong it was.

BTW, when I drove off on my brother (who was 15) I at least came back for him 15 minutes later thinking it would teach him a good lesson. Well imagine my horror when he wasn't there. This happened at a busy shopping mall in a big city. I drove around and around hoping to find him and panicking over what had happened to him and how I would explain it to my mom. I finally went home in dread. There he was! Apparently a neighbor happened by 5 minutes after I abandoned him and gave him a lift home. Guess who learned a lesson







:


----------



## sparklefairy (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MilkTrance* 
I don't think that at this point, telling him to leave, or breaking up with him, would do anything to help her abandonment issues! You need to work through this together if he really is, or wants to be, her father figure.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *prothyraia* 
I think that continuing this relationship could just be setting her up for worse abandonment in the future.


I was thinking this also. Yes, abandonment hurts, but learning that you can be strong standing alone would be a wonderful gift for anyone at any age. Not sure exactly how to teach this or if to teach this at 4.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
Now that things have calmed down a little, was this just his own frustration at being late? Does she have a habit of dawdling?

I say this because I have had to use natural consequences with one of my kids who was a habitual dawdler, no matter how cute the reasons were. It was getting to the point where we were rude to everyone else and she was dragging it out further and further every time. I tried reminders, timers, ect...but it got to the point that I was done.

So we had a similar situation (except for I told DH, who works at home, what was going on. And told my daughter that we was leaving in 5 minutes and if she was not ready to go she would be staying home. She dawdled, wasn't ready, and I walked out the door when I said I would with the other kids. Lots of screaming and crying on her end (DH was there to supervise safety).

I've had to do that a few more times, but now she is pretty good about being punctual.

So I would say that if you are really going to keep this relationship and wish to co-parent that you may need to come to a compromise. (as in, if there's a firm time schedule that he wants, fine, but if he is leaving he needs to inform you first because of safety reasons. If he had done that would you have been okay with it? Or would you have let him have it no matter what because you feel that his need for punctuality should always be trumped by your daughter as long as he has some hope of making it on time? If that's the case it might be more respectful to everyone involved if YOU are the one who drives her to activities if you don't really care about lateness/cutting it close, that way nobody's stressing.)

I don't like to be late. I doubly don't don't like to be late if one person is holding up other people who have similar time constraints. I decided to use natural consequences not because I was a mean abandoning beyotch, but because it was not fair to my other children and it was stressing me out to constantly have to ride a razor thin line at getting them to activities where it was important/expected that they be on time (because when they weren't they disrupted class for 10 other kids, ect). But at the same time, if one is going to impose natural consequences on a child, the least they can do is exercise it with common sense--which means that you inform another adult so they can supervise and don't leave it to chance.

That's really where I think BF made the mistake. I actually don't think it's horrific when you have a regular activity that you have to be at at a specific time, when you've reminded the child, and they still choose to delay or do 'just one more thing', that you then leave to keep to your expected schedule.

The way this poster described it, I feel okay about it and would not hesitate to do this myself. As a single mom who will need to be on time every day once school starts, I'm brainstorming how to approach getting the kids on board with this because causing career problems for mom = family won't eat, and that feels like way too much responsibility to give small children! I feel that it's my job as a parent to respect their needs to have an adult make sure that the major security issues are taken care of.

For many of us, organization and timeliness are skills that don't come naturally. Some of it is developmental, but for other individuals it is truly an innate inability to get from point A to point B without being taught how to do so. Planning ahead might be a huge factor (always leaving coats and shoes in the same place close to the door, packing necessary items to take along ahead of time, leaving off tv and other media at key times so that time doesn't slip away or people don't get sidetracked).


----------



## NinaBruja (Jan 19, 2004)

im so sure id bet money that these will be some of the red flags you will look back on and wish you had acted on








would you want your dd to be in a relationship like yours? thats the big question.

my dd is 4 too. just the thought of someone doing that to her makes my blood boil. you deserve more and so does she.


----------



## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NZmumof2* 
Without passing judgement on bf's act here I see the abandonment as different to the pp. I suspect he thought he was leaving dd in the care of her mother rather than abandoning her. She had gone back inside when he left after all. Not my preferred discipline technque all the same.

But she didn't go back inside when he left, she chased his car screaming. If she had not screamed her mother would not have came outside to her. A four year old can not be trusted to go back inside without instruction.

He did abandon her, he did not leave her in her mother's care simply because her mother was unaware she was being left.

I would have some serious thought on continuing a relationship with anyone who could do this to a child, esp my child. Serious as in DH would be spending his nights elsewhere until we came to a respectful agreement about how this would NEVER happen again. - Thankfully my DH would NEVER do anything so thoughtless and cruel.

Work obligations can wait, a child is so upset that she is vomiting and it's my fault? I'm turning that car around, no matter what.


----------



## ma_vie_en_rose (Jun 7, 2008)

I think that your BF has a lot to learn in the parenting department. While this kind of lesson can be taught in a loving way as another poster described with her DD, that is not the situation here.

First, a four year is far too young to fully grasp time let alone time management. He as the adult should have made sure there was plenty of time to get to where everyone needed to go with factoring in that she dawdles. That means making sure things are prepared to go ahead of time, and that there is plenty of time for goodbyeS.

Second, should this ever be the kind of route needed to teach a child about being on time, it needs to be fully communicated with the other adult in the situation that the child would be left with. You had no idea he was planning to leave her, and that creates a HUGE safety issue. Had you known, you could have been right there to make sure she was not running down the street after the car. My goodness, I can not believe he did not stop when he saw her doing that. Communicating this to you would have also helped any feelings of abandonment because you would have been right there with her to handle the situation from that point on. Further more, it should have been clearly described to your DD what would happen prior to this being done so she knew it wasn't abandonment. Again, this is where I think she is entirely too young to use this technique on because she probably wouldn't fully understand it.

It was just poor, poor judgement on his part from start to finish. What bothers me the most about this situation is that he blew you off when you addressed it with him. YOU are her mother, and YOU decide how things will be handled with YOUR daughter. I would never dream of going against something my DH says bothers him with regards to the treatment and discipline of my DSD. Luckily, we are on the same page. So it has never been any kind of issue, but still.

That behavior is what sends up some serious red flags for me about your situation. I don't know anything about your relationship other than this snippet. I will not say you need to dump him now. What I will say is that you need to think long and hard about the type of relationship you want to model for your DD, and you need to think even harder about the type of father figure you want her life. Does your BF meet that criteria? Frankly, it should be some pretty high standards. Your DD has already been abandoned by one dad. She deserves someone spectacular to replace him. You deserve someone that respects you. Good luck.


----------



## Wolfmeis (Nov 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purpleplum* 
He says it's my own issues and not to put them on her, and also he did nothing wrong so there's nothing to apologize for. But I know in my heart it is WRONG! What can I say to this man???

Goodbye.







:


----------



## LemonPie (Sep 18, 2006)

Ditch him. This man has no interest in being a father figure to her. You mention that she was abandoned by her own father _in the last month?_ It would probably be a good thing to just stop dating at all for a while and focus on making her life more stable.


----------



## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

I will echo the other posters in saying such behavior on his part is wildly inappropriate.

How long have you known him and are you sure this is the kind of life you want to make with him?


----------

