# Please help! I have strayed far from the GD path. (i.e. being hit etc.)



## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

I have strayed far from the GD path and become one of those threatening, punishing sort of parents.

My DS is going through a really hard time right now because he's dealing with one parenting style while at my house, and a COMPLETELY different parenting style, which I have no intention of emulating, at his dad's house.

He is really having problems with hitting... he has had issues with it on and off for a few years (he's 4, almost 5). But I have had ENOUGH of the hitting and I do not want to be hit anymore.

He is also 4, so he has started doing that whole sassing back and insulting thing (well that's stupid. You're stupid, mom!) That doesn't push my buttons as much as the hitting does.

A therapist recommended restraining him when he hits. Well, that does not work and I'm not a huge fan of it anyway. I hold him down and I can tell it does not feel good to him, it makes him madder and he just hits when I finally let go of him. And it just does not feel "right" to me.

He hits in a variety of situations but basically whenever he gets mad. He does not have a good example being set for him - his dad has a bad temper, yells at him and scares him, and 'spanks' when he's mad. There is nothing I can do about this except help DS deal with it and try to keep DS from handling anger in the same way.

Does anyone have any advice for me? SOmething I can read, to help me remember what it's like to GD? Some tips on how I can react that will get me more in touch with him? I honestly am not sure what to do and when he hits me I tend to lose my temper and yell, and that is not the example I want to set (and it only makes things worse anyway).

Thanks for any advice you can throw this mama...







: This is a hard time for me, for a variety of reasons, and I am not being the parent I want to be.


----------



## swellmomma (Jan 1, 2004)

I am so there with you. I have have strayed way too far from the type of parent I set out to be. Mainly due to having to deal with my oldest ds. The newest issue was last week, he came home from cadet camp and beat the crap out of me 3 days in a row for being asked to do simple things (like go to bed or take a shower). The 3rd day he jumped on my back, arms around me troat choking me while telling me he was going to kill me. I don't know about you but I reacted very violently back, the only way to get him off me was to be forceful. He sees a therapist, is on medications for his issues, but that doesn't help my reaction to them kwim. I feel like a complete failure as a parent because I can't be more gentle with my kids. The problem is more than just his issues though. After an incident like those last week, or him having a meltdown etc, I am already on edge/angry/fed up, then the middle 2 start bickering, normal kid stuff but because I am so frustrated already it sets me off to being a yelling mommy, and the cycle begins because then they react to my tone/volume/words and I react to their reactions. I hate the mother I have become and wish I could be so much more for the kids. I have no words to help you unforunately since this is my current (and long standing) struggle.


----------



## katja2010 (Oct 26, 2008)

My son's only 2, and we get along pretty well most of the time, but I just realized--despite my best gd intentions--that I can't take crap from a toddler.
I don't take it from anyone, but I thought it would change with my son. Some of the other natural parenting stuff--extended nursing, cosleeping--were things that I didn't intend to do but came naturally. However, once my son hit about 18 months, gd flew out the window.
He's a sweet kid. An affectionate, friendly, exuberant, fearless, confident little guy. With the fearlessness and confidence, though, is a stubborness and wildness that became harder and harder for me to handle. I couldn't deal with the fighting during meals, changing, whatever--after the millionth time being kicked in the stomach during a diaper change, I slapped his leg. I was HORRIFIED. So was he. However, he sat still.
Since he has his own hitting/pushing habits, I knew I couldn't continue to slap him to make him obey (like evryonetells me to do), because I'd just be encouraging him to hit to get his way. He and I both have the same quick fuse and temper, and I can't set a bad example.
It's just hard--he's not afraid of anything. I've scolded him so many times that he barely notices. He doesn't mind time outs. It's been a constant struggle to show him that I'm the parent, and that when I say something, I mean it.
So, I've had to let certain things go. I HAVE to be forceful--as much as I'd like to reason with him, he's too young to get it. So, yeah, I have to yell at him and threaten him with punishment, and only ever give him one chance to listen. If I tell him not to push/hit/kick someone or we're leaving, and he does it, I yell at him, restrain him for a minute so he understands the immediate punishment, and we leave. If he throws tantrums, he gets time outs until he's calm, regardless of how long it takes. And most of all, if he's fighting me on something--hair washing, toothbrushing, and nose-cleaning are things he really fights me on--I have to ignore it and keep going. We're bigger and stronger, and all the crying in the world won't hurt him.
It seems to be working so far--he doesn't fight with me the way he used to--he knows it doesn't help. He seems to look down when he gets scolded now--he didn't used to. And he used to not care at all about being in the playpen for time outs, but now he knows the word and the second I threaten him with it, he usually stops.
We have to tailor things toward our OWN children. SOme do better with gd--some think we're lightweights. You can't have a kid that's out of control and doesn't feel like you're an authority figure--they don't feel secure that way. I don't like to be any harsher than I have to, but I admit he has been spanked more than once, in extreme circumstances. And if he ever started getting violent with me, I would punish him much harsher than I do now. Do the time outs not work with your kids? Mine doesn't mind them per se, but I had to break that one-minute-per-year-rule to make it a real punishment. 2 minutes isn't enough. I've left him in the play pen for 45 minutes at a time. He's MUCH more likely to listen to me now--most kids don't want to waste that much time being punished, so he's so much less likely to do anything that he knows will get him in there.


----------



## jennert (Oct 22, 2008)

oh ladies! i'm sorry. i have no brilliant advice. how i wish i did! i think many/most of us who want to choose GD have to fight this battle. GD does not come naturally to me. it's not how I was raised and it's not how most of my family and friends are choosing to raise their kids. my first response is to yell and hit and exert my authority and then feel like a terrible, evil, unworthy parent when i do so.
it's hard when you're parenting all on your own, or have an unsupportive "support network." and I don't know how to fix that part.
what works for me (sometimes) is to take a few minutes (sometimes a few seconds if that's what i have) at the start of my day before i get overwhelmed to stop and breathe and pray for help. but that's not very concrete.
i wish i had something more helpful--but know that you're not alone in this difficulty!


----------



## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

I have not btdt that, but soon, very soon.

Two thoughts:

1. Make it into a game. This one is hard for me even now as I have to get past my own irritation to make things playful. If I can get past my own feelings, it's amazing how simply being silly or making something a game improves the situation and DD's behavior. But the problem is, anger and frustration are stickier emotions for me and I haven't ever felt like I just need to let them go before and so I have no practice or coping skills really.

ETA: A game that might be helpful for hitting is 'freeze' or 'momma says' to transition them into doing something different.

2.Sometimes reverse psychology works. 'I bet you just don't know how to brush your teeth.' Although it only works once or twice and is probably a bit coercive. I remember doing it with my younger siblings with positive results though.

I forgot! I had 3 thoughts.

Clearly your LO has some strong emotions. Have you tried naming them and discussing how he may feel? Have you tried redirecting his anger to a pillow? Have you thought about a routine, like a bedtime type routine, that is consistent and soothing and engaging that will help him mark the transition from point a to point b? You could even do a book starring your child that talks about the whole situation. It sounds like the emotional whiplash and physical transition is really overwhelming.

V


----------



## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShadowMom* 
He is really having problems with hitting... he has had issues with it on and off for a few years (he's 4, almost 5). But I have had ENOUGH of the hitting and I do not want to be hit anymore.

He is also 4, so he has started doing that whole sassing back and insulting thing (well that's stupid. You're stupid, mom!) That doesn't push my buttons as much as the hitting does.

A therapist recommended restraining him when he hits. Well, that does not work and I'm not a huge fan of it anyway. I hold him down and I can tell it does not feel good to him, it makes him madder and he just hits when I finally let go of him. And it just does not feel "right" to me.

He hits in a variety of situations but basically whenever he gets mad. He does not have a good example being set for him - his dad has a bad temper, yells at him and scares him, and 'spanks' when he's mad. There is nothing I can do about this except help DS deal with it and try to keep DS from handling anger in the same way.

Does anyone have any advice for me? SOmething I can read, to help me remember what it's like to GD? Some tips on how I can react that will get me more in touch with him? I honestly am not sure what to do and when he hits me I tend to lose my temper and yell, and that is not the example I want to set (and it only makes things worse anyway).

Thanks for any advice you can throw this mama...







: This is a hard time for me, for a variety of reasons, and I am not being the parent I want to be.

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. It must be really hard to stick to what you feel is right when you don't have your ex on board when it comes to parenting.









That age is hard for many parents, as the child is not really a toddler anymore and has advanced verbal skills but still don't have the maturity to handle their own strong emotions.

I think the message that your son needs to eventually get is what you said: "I do not want to be hit anymore." It is about your boundaries, not just an abstract rule that says that hitting is wrong (which of course it is, but that's not the main point, if you see what I mean?)

I agree that restraining him is probably not the solution. At this age he doesn't need you to show him how to use is hands gently.

And now I have an upset toddler who just woke up (midnight here).

So I'm sorry I can't be much use now, hang in there and good luck!


----------



## angelandmisha (May 16, 2008)

ShadowMom, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this it sounds rough. It seems like you're probably right about it being hard for your LO to deal with the differences in parenting styles at your place vs. dad's place.

The two books you could read that pop to mind are Unconditional Parenting and How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. They're both really good about connecting with kids and I think might help you. When he hits you, you might say something along the lines of, "you seem really mad and you want to hit me." (see what he says) or "I don't like being hit." The How To Talk book might give you some ideas about talking to him that would help open up a dialog about how he's feeling- angry at being yelled at at dad's, sad about it, confused, frustrated, etc. I think you should trust your instincts about not wanting to restrain him like your therapist suggested- you said it doesn't seem to help. Try to think how would you like to be treated in his situation and try that. Maybe he just needs to feel like he can express some negative feelings and you'll listen and still love him and won't go away.

I hope any of that helps, he's so little and it sounds like you're feeling bad about the way things have been going, but you can get back to the kind of mama you want to be, we're all here to encourage and support you!

Good luck and hugs


----------



## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShadowMom* 
A therapist recommended restraining him when he hits. Well, that does not work and I'm not a huge fan of it anyway. I hold him down and I can tell it does not feel good to him, it makes him madder and he just hits when I finally let go of him. And it just does not feel "right" to me.

I'm SO not the expert on this stuff, so take this with a grain of salt!!! I only have a 2 year old. But it seems to me like you can't let him hit you. At the very least get yourself out of range when he is lashing out, but I actually like the idea of restraining him if he is hitting you (but what do I know, I'm used to dealing with my 2 year old).

Here's why though--IF you can think of the restraint as a hug, and hold your love for him right close to the surface the whole time, I think it can be productive. Whisper to him while you are holding him: "I know you're really upset right now. You wanted X and we can't because Y. You're really really upset. I can't let you hit me though. I'm going to hold you while you get yourself under control. When you think you're under control, you can let me know and I'll let go" If he tells you he's done and then hits you again, restrain him again..."It looks like you aren't feeling under control yet, I'm going to hold you a little longer to help you settle down."

You could even offer him the option--"It's not okay to hit me when you're angry, but you can throw these blocks at the couch/stomp/hit the bed/etc." If you try to back away to let him try some of these other options and he's still "coming after you" then restrain him saying "it looks like you need me to hold you still to keep us both safe."

I actually remember my mom doing this to me, and the thing is that she had to hold me for quite a while (I remember clearly thrashing and thrashing and thrashing!), but by the time we had both really settled down, it kind of turned into a hug. Chances are he just needs to connect with you for whatever reason after he's upset. The KEY is, can you hold him with love and not anger. I think that could be the challenge. If you can really let go of your anger while you hold him, it might help. You're holding him to keep you both safe, and you're doing it from love.

I dunno...but it might help?

(I'll probably be back here in a few months asking the same question about my dd!)

Another thought I had is that it might help for you to talk with him about how things are at his dad's house at totally separate times when he's feeling calm. Talk about how his dad expresses anger, how it makes your ds feel, and what his dad could do differently to express his anger in a safe way.

And (sorry, I keep adding things here), since you mention having trouble managing your own anger, you can talk about that with your son. "I have trouble when I get angry too...I tend to yell, but what I'm trying to learn to do is express it in a safer way--hitting the couch/growling/whatever" and then let him SEE you using the coping techniques when you are upset. I've hit the couch before in front of my dd when I'm frustrated. I growl really loudly into the air (not AT my dd!) when I'm really at my limit. I also tell her that I need some space to calm down, and I step into the other room for a minute and take deep breaths. All of these things help me blow off steam, AND it helps her see that I use the same techniques to calm myself that I'm suggesting to her.

Anyway, sorry for babbling on and on...good luck!


----------



## eccomama (Oct 6, 2005)

i'm also in 2 household situation. dd is pretty obedient at my house and i can usually steer her away from neg behavior. but then she goes to her dad where it's a free for all. she does whatever she wants, whines, screams, acts out and my ex just ignores her. so usually day 1 we have a rough transition.
im getting lots of great ideas from other mama's here!


----------



## traceface (Feb 17, 2003)

double post


----------



## kpb (Jul 1, 2006)

i definitely agree with many of you in that our relationship with our children is a multi-faceted one, but mainly it deals with real, tangible, instinctual respect. we're going through a rough patch with our 2 1/2 year old, and while he has BOTH of us here at home almost 24 hours a day (so utterly amazing but mentally exhausting, too, by the way) we feel a major disconnect as a family. one of the biggest reasons dh and i both feel that things have gone awry with he and i as parents, concurrent with our son just doing his normal growing boy thing, is that we've let ourselves be 'friends' more than 'parents' and we've lost our voices.....and while we will always view our son as our most favorite contemporary and wild panther/thrashing climber/dance party partner, we need to work on being the guiding force/light, too.

i was told this analogy when my son was 15 months and dh and i first started to lose our heads--when we thought we were doing everything right by giving our son endless space and freedom, all the while being at his side, and for lack of a better phrase, at his beck and call...

would you want to cross the golden gate bridge without any rails on the side?

the same goes for our child--set parameters, boundaries, make them feel secure and safe in this boundary-less world...let them feel the woes of the world, and be there to embrace them after it happens....

in a sense, we need to let our children feel a consquence/our reaction (and the debate over who gives the consquence, where it comes from, etc is a whole other topic unto itself) because that _is just what is_.

to look at it from a buddhist perspective, which i think many of us GDers look to whether it is consciously or unconsciouly, being present, in the moment, and breathing in through space, doesn't always mean that the space or moment will be pristine. be in the moment after a car crash, after a temper tantrum, after a scary film.....
and ride it out....and let it go.

ok ok i could babble forever...and our son has just awoken....
long story short, i feel your pain and i know where you all are coming from!

best...
kyara


----------



## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Thanks for the replies. I think I will see if my library has Unconditional Parenting, I've read a lot ABOUT that book but have not actually read it. LOL

I think I checked out "How to talk so kids will listen" at some point and had a hard time with it. I can't remember why. Maybe it was vague? I can't remember exactly.

If anyone has any other suggestions for books that might be helpful (and are very much about Gentle Discipline) I'd really appreciate it. I need to change how I'm tackling this problem and an escalating pattern of threatening, punishment, etc. is not where I want to go.

I appreciate the other suggestions, but this has been a long road and I've tried pretty much everything here - making it a game, a competition, instead of just restraining him holding him and telling him I love him, etc. I seem to have tried everything suggested so far. If anyone can think of anything else though I would love to hear more ideas because I am just not sure what to do.

I respectfully disagree with the implications that this is an issue of authority and/or respect. I'm frequently wrong about many things in my life, but my gut tells me that my DS is having a really hard time dealing with things, and creating more of a power struggle, or asserting more of an authoritarian style, is going to exacerbate those feelings. I apologize if that was not what was being suggested. I also do not believe you can force someone to respect you - that's something you earn by being gentle and consistent, not someone to be afraid of. That is how I have gotten so far off track, I feel - the gentleness is not there, the willingness to work with him. When he throws one of my shoes at me full force my ration, reason and gentleness are GONE.

And I simply do not buy into the whole "be a parent not a friend" idea. Letting DS explore and have as much freedom as is reasonable has given me a child who has extraordinary reasoning capabilities for his age. I think that was the best gift I could have given him, and if it weren't for the incredibly negative and authoritarian influence his father has had on him, I think we'd be on a much better track in dealing with emotional control as well as reasoning skills.

It can really feel like someone is kicking you while you're down to suggest to someone having this problem that your child simply doesn't respect you because you haven't been a good enough parent.







Sorry but that's how the message comes across.

(is this the GD forum?)


----------



## esmejoy (Feb 10, 2007)

This may be a useless suggestion, but I'll put it out there anyway. Is there any chance you could work on the situation with his father -- either by discussing the issues and seeing if there is any room for change on his end, or maybe by changing the current visitation schedule? One thing that caught my eye in your original post was "there's nothing I can do about this except help DS handle it" and it made me ask "WHY?" I mean, obviously, there could be 100 reasons why you're feeling that way, all of them valid, but I'm wondering if you might have closed down an avenue prematurely.

I'm also curious about what it is about the holding that feels wrong to you -- does it feel coercive? Or like it just hasn't been effective? Do you feel like you aren't able to help calm his anger, or your own, through that kind of forced connection? I really don't have any BTDT experience to add here -- but it is the most common GD suggestion I've heard for dealing with violence in kids, and I'm wondering why you feel it hasn't worked for you.

It sounds like an incredibly tough situation -- I'm so sorry -- wish I had some other helpful advice.


----------



## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *esmejoy* 
This may be a useless suggestion, but I'll put it out there anyway. Is there any chance you could work on the situation with his father

There really is not... I can't go into details on the 'net, but it has been pursued from multiple angles and there is nothing about the situation that is going to get better, and it will probably just get worse (in terms of what is happening to DS and his difficulty in handling it).

Quote:

I'm also curious about what it is about the holding that feels wrong to you -- does it feel coercive? Or like it just hasn't been effective? Do you feel like you aren't able to help calm his anger, or your own, through that kind of forced connection? I really don't have any BTDT experience to add here -- but it is the most common GD suggestion I've heard for dealing with violence in kids, and I'm wondering why you feel it hasn't worked for you.
Hmm. It's multiple things - for one thing, it does not work and it seems to make him more frustrated and angry and powerless feeling. However, I'm also just not satisfied with it as a solution... I will try to articulate why, although I may be unable to. It does not help DS and I work on problem solving together, and it is a form of physical coercion (albeit justified to many people). And, it feels that way, both to him and to me.

After all, it may be in defense of my own bodily integrity and therefore justified, but really it's just another form of me using my larger size and muscle power to coerce him into doing what I want.

I know that it's a very common suggestion, but something being a common suggestion does not inherently make it the best one.







Nor am I saying it is wrong for other people - simply that it's not a solution I like best for my DS and I.

Quote:

It sounds like an incredibly tough situation -- I'm so sorry -- wish I had some other helpful advice.








Thanks for your post, at least I know people are reading this and empathize.







: That actually does help me.


----------



## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *swellmomma* 
IThe 3rd day he jumped on my back, arms around me troat choking me while telling me he was going to kill me. I don't know about you but I reacted very violently back, the only way to get him off me was to be forceful.

Exactly, swellmomma! How are we supposed to be patient, gentle parents in this type of situation?? It is escaping me. Clearly there is something wrong and we can address that on different levels (medication, therapy, hoping for additional maturity







), but how do we stick to our values in the meantime?


----------



## kpb (Jul 1, 2006)

oh, mama--i was so not trying to step on your toes...if there's anything that my last post should make me guilty of, it's been selfish and bitching about our situation....not at all telling you, or anyone else, what to do...merely typing out loud.

as for the previous post, that is most correct....


----------



## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rabbitmum* 
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. It must be really hard to stick to what you feel is right when you don't have your ex on board when it comes to parenting.









That age is hard for many parents, as the child is not really a toddler anymore and has advanced verbal skills but still don't have the maturity to handle their own strong emotions.

I think the message that your son needs to eventually get is what you said: "I do not want to be hit anymore." It is about your boundaries, not just an abstract rule that says that hitting is wrong (which of course it is, but that's not the main point, if you see what I mean?)

I agree that restraining him is probably not the solution. At this age he doesn't need you to show him how to use is hands gently.

And now I have an upset toddler who just woke up (midnight here).

So I'm sorry I can't be much use now, hang in there and good luck!

Continued: I think your reasoning for not wanting to restrain your son seems very sound. I have held my son on my lap to stop him from doing things in similar situations previously, but I find that now he's almost three he's not so easily distracted anymore, and he often resists being held. Restraining a child who struggles to get loose, maybe even threatening not to let him go until he gains control of his emotions, only adds to the conflict and probably doesn't make the child feel that you have very much respect for him. To punish somebody (for instance by using superiour physical force to restrain him) for lacking the maturity to control their emotions isn't fair.

I see that some people recommend Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting, and I can only join in, it's great and I think you would probaby like it.

Another book that you might like and find useful is a book by the Danish child psychologist Jesper Juul (who works in Norway), its English title is "Your Competent Child: Toward New Basic Values for the Family" (http://www.amazon.com/Your-Competent-Child-Toward-Values/dp/0374527903/ref=si3_rdr_bb_product) He focuses a lot about how to have and make clear your own boundaries (i.e. you don't want to be hit) while staying respectful towards your child (and other people too).

Still hang in there and good luck! There is never a time when it's better to stop being gentle, so hold on to your instincts!


----------



## kcparker (Apr 6, 2008)

You said, re: not liking to restrain your son: "Hmm. It's multiple things - for one thing, it does not work and it seems to make him more frustrated and angry and powerless feeling. However, I'm also just not satisfied with it as a solution... I will try to articulate why, although I may be unable to. It does not help DS and I work on problem solving together, and it is a form of physical coercion (albeit justified to many people). And, it feels that way, both to him and to me.

After all, it may be in defense of my own bodily integrity and therefore justified, but really it's just another form of me using my larger size and muscle power to coerce him into doing what I want."

If part of what's going on with your son is him feeling powerless, maybe giving him options when he gets mad and starts getting physical with you would be a way to give him some power. Do you want mama to give you a hug right now? Can you tell me in words what you are feeling? Do you want to hit this more appropriate item (punching bag, drum kit, pillow)? Do you want to go to the lake and throw rocks into it until you feel better? Do you want to listen to some really loud music? Hitting mama isn't one of the available options, but I can help you do something what that angry energy until it is all out. I would try to think about ways to redirect his energy, deflect it from you without responding to it with your own anger.

Ultimately, it sounds like what you want, maybe, is 1) not to be hit, 2) for son to learn to identify and express his emotions appropriately, which means not attacking other people, physically or verbally, but he may need a physical outlet for that excess energy. I can remember being really angry a lot as a kid, and I'd feel like I was about to explode, I'd get hot and literally buzz sometimes. It's scary for them, and the release of that energy feels good. Think about whether getting some drums to beat on, taking him outside to play chase in the back yard - if you want to hit me, you've gotta catch me first, or doing a crazy angry dance with some music cranked way up when he gets mad might help him get enough energy out that he can then use words or start learning vocabulary for his emotions.


----------



## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rabbitmum* 
Continued: I think your reasoning for not wanting to restrain your son seems very sound.

Thank you so much for this! I never imagined anyone would understand that. Seriously, that someone who is into GD actually gets this and doesn't think I'm crazy is very helpful.







:

I wanted to post an update. Be careful what you ask for, you might get it. LOL He has taken to hitting HIMSELF when he is angry, I am not sure how much of an improvement it is. It's very disturbing.

However, I checked out Unconditional Parenting from the library and I'm only about 1/3 of the way through, but it is a total godsend! It completely reminds me of why I have chosen GD (or whatever it can be called) as a way of parenting. I have completely abandoned my "threatening" tactics and it was a wonderful reminder of why that is not the best parenting that I can do.

He behavior has been much improved, I'm not sure if that's a coincidence or if it's due to the changes.

Last night I had a serious talk with him. I asked him if I ever do things, when I'm mad, which make him feel like I don't love him (realizing from reading the first part of the Kohn book that I have indeed withheld my love in order to coerce). He said yes and described a couple of the things I've done (I will not go into them here in case my ex-H is trolling these forums) when mad.

I told him I was sorry that I made him feel that way. And since I don't ever want him to feel that way, I would not do that again. And we would have to think of something else to do when he's hitting and angry. He said that hugging him would help. So I said that I would try that (I have tried it before, and also singing to him, and it doesn't help 100% but it does help).

I feel like this was the right conversation to have. I feel really good about it.

My main concern now is that I want to model good ways of handling anger, and also be able to tell him things he can do when he's angry. I might have to think about that some more. However, maybe soothing him is the best thing, and as he gets older he'll be able to soothe himself. I don't know the answer there.

Thanks SO much to everyone who replied to this thread, it has been so helpful. I think I am starting to get my bearings again on what kind of a parent I want to be and how to get there. He is such a precious little guy, he deserves it so much. Maybe it will give him the armor he needs when at his dad's house.

Still chugging along...


----------



## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kcparker* 
If part of what's going on with your son is him feeling powerless, maybe giving him options when he gets mad and starts getting physical with you would be a way to give him some power. Do you want mama to give you a hug right now? Can you tell me in words what you are feeling? Do you want to hit this more appropriate item (punching bag, drum kit, pillow)? Do you want to go to the lake and throw rocks into it until you feel better? Do you want to listen to some really loud music? Hitting mama isn't one of the available options, but I can help you do something what that angry energy until it is all out. I would try to think about ways to redirect his energy, deflect it from you without responding to it with your own anger.

Ultimately, it sounds like what you want, maybe, is 1) not to be hit, 2) for son to learn to identify and express his emotions appropriately, which means not attacking other people, physically or verbally, but he may need a physical outlet for that excess energy. I can remember being really angry a lot as a kid, and I'd feel like I was about to explode, I'd get hot and literally buzz sometimes. It's scary for them, and the release of that energy feels good. Think about whether getting some drums to beat on, taking him outside to play chase in the back yard - if you want to hit me, you've gotta catch me first, or doing a crazy angry dance with some music cranked way up when he gets mad might help him get enough energy out that he can then use words or start learning vocabulary for his emotions.

Those are some great ideas, thank you. I am thinking I need to do some more research into anger - how children handle it, how a healthy adult handles it, etc. and see what kind of behavior I can model for him when angry, as well.


----------



## MammaKoz (Dec 9, 2003)

NAK'ing here so this is short...

First of all HUGE HUGE







to you!! You sound like a wonderful mamma who is doing her best!

You'll like the book Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. That and UP which you are reading are amazing. I really like Connection Parenting for when I am feeling frazzled and disconnected from my kids, it's an easy and quick read.

Hang in there!


----------



## aricha (Oct 21, 2007)

That sounds like a great, positive step you made with your conversation with your son. As a child development consultant, I work with a lot of very angry children, and one of the things a therapist I work with a lot says to do with children is to apologize repeatedly for the way the grown-ups behave, even if it means apologizing on someone's behalf. I think it is very appropriate to apologize for ways that you or (maybe especially) his father has scared or hurt him in the past.

She also mentions frequently that children who are angry often need us to react in a way that is contrary to what their behavior seems to be asking for. So if he lashes out, rather than lashing back (verbally or physically), love him instead. She would suggest you tell him you can see how angry he is and that you love him even when he is feeling angry and out of control. Ask if you can give him a hug. Let him know that it's okay to be angry, that he is safe with you and he can go ahead and feel angry.

It sounds like you are headed in this direction, and your gut is telling you that he is hurt and that he is suffering... I would trust your instincts. The more he seems to be pushing you away, the more he may need your love. It's definitely not easy to react to anger with love, but it is absolutely possible.


----------



## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aricha* 
That sounds like a great, positive step you made with your conversation with your son. As a child development consultant, I work with a lot of very angry children, and one of the things a therapist I work with a lot says to do with children is to apologize repeatedly for the way the grown-ups behave, even if it means apologizing on someone's behalf. I think it is very appropriate to apologize for ways that you or (maybe especially) his father has scared or hurt him in the past.

She also mentions frequently that children who are angry often need us to react in a way that is contrary to what their behavior seems to be asking for. So if he lashes out, rather than lashing back (verbally or physically), love him instead. She would suggest you tell him you can see how angry he is and that you love him even when he is feeling angry and out of control. Ask if you can give him a hug. Let him know that it's okay to be angry, that he is safe with you and he can go ahead and feel angry.

It sounds like you are headed in this direction, and your gut is telling you that he is hurt and that he is suffering... I would trust your instincts. The more he seems to be pushing you away, the more he may need your love. It's definitely not easy to react to anger with love, but it is absolutely possible.

wow, thanks so much for this post! It sounds like I am on the right track. I have been working on this and it GENUINELY seems to help... I cannot stand being hit anymore so I take his fist and gently open it and gently pull his arm so he's hugging me. It does really seem to help, he calms down a lot and we don't have a lot of hitting going on anymore (I really can't stand to be hit anymore at all, so I'm very glad).

I guess it's a matter of whether I can keep myself calm.







It can be really hard. You know? But when I react with anger, it does seem to exacerbate the situation, so what your therapist friend is saying does seem to hold true... he needs love, not more anger.


----------



## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MammaKoz* 
NAK'ing here so this is short...

First of all HUGE HUGE







to you!! You sound like a wonderful mamma who is doing her best!

You'll like the book Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. That and UP which you are reading are amazing. I really like Connection Parenting for when I am feeling frazzled and disconnected from my kids, it's an easy and quick read.

Hang in there!









Thanks, I hadn't heard of that book before. I am going to check it out. UP has been really helpful, and this one looks great too.


----------



## Kira's mom (Nov 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angelandmisha* 
shadowmom, i'm sorry you're having to deal with this it sounds rough. It seems like you're probably right about it being hard for your lo to deal with the differences in parenting styles at your place vs. Dad's place.

The two books you could read that pop to mind are unconditional parenting and how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. They're both really good about connecting with kids and i think might help you. When he hits you, you might say something along the lines of, "you seem really mad and you want to hit me." (see what he says) or "i don't like being hit." the how to talk book might give you some ideas about talking to him that would help open up a dialog about how he's feeling- angry at being yelled at at dad's, sad about it, confused, frustrated, etc. I think you should trust your instincts about not wanting to restrain him like your therapist suggested- you said it doesn't seem to help. Try to think how would you like to be treated in his situation and try that. Maybe he just needs to feel like he can express some negative feelings and you'll listen and still love him and won't go away.

I hope any of that helps, he's so little and it sounds like you're feeling bad about the way things have been going, but you can get back to the kind of mama you want to be, we're all here to encourage and support you!

Good luck and hugs









yeah that!!


----------



## angelandmisha (May 16, 2008)

ShadowMom, I'm so happy to hear that things are going better and that you're enjoying Unconditional Parenting! That book really changed how I think about interacting with children (and my husband actually!). I'm really glad the hitting is lessening. Sounds like your conversation with him was really helpful to him, that must be gratifying to see. Just wanted to send you big hugs! (I'm also happy to see the change in your signature- seems like things are getting more positive for you)


----------

