# Things dad gets to do that mom doesn't



## fireHC11 (Nov 21, 2009)

Sometimes it strikes me as unfair, all the things my SO gets to do that I don't, as a mom. This is a vent, but maybe I can find solace in knowing I'm not alone in these feelings.

Here is my list.

- Reading a book. He gets to read while I nurse our kid to bed. For hours. Lying in the dark.

- Going to work, and staying at work. If there's a problem or the kid needs care, that's my job.

- Keeping a schedule. My schedule revolves around our kid.

- Playing video games. Seriously?

- Sleeping a full stretch. If he wants, he can sleep in another room so the quiet sounds of our kid's every-few-hours nursing don't wake him.

- Eating a meal all the way through.

- Working toward a deadline. When I have a deadline, I have to plan weeks in advance, because I don't get to pull all-nighters.

- Going to the bathroom. Seriously, spending some time sitting on the can. Alone. With the door shut.

- Showering alone.

What is it for you -- what do you miss out on that your SO doesn't?


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## mommy212 (Mar 2, 2010)

Totally agree, also add to the list drinking, and being able to do a workout without cramming into nap time, or having a toddler running around your feet pulling on your clothes... When DH is with little one alone, he apparently justs runs around the house and plays, and DH plays games mostly. When i am there, he will barely let me read a page or two in a book or check my email.


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## lookatreestar (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fireHC11*
> 
> Sometimes it strikes me as unfair, all the things my SO gets to do that I don't, as a mom. This is a vent, but maybe I can find solace in knowing I'm not alone in these feelings.
> 
> ...





> What is it for you -- what do you miss out on that your SO doesn't?


bolded are the ones i am really jealous of.


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## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

My kids are older now, so many of the things listed don't really apply to me anymore. I'm envious of dh's ability to pretty much do whatever he wants whenever he wants without planning in advance and making all sorts of arrangements. He doesn't abuse this or anything, but he does stuff that would require advance planning, childcare, etc. if I were to do it.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Getting errand time/"me" time to myself. DS has always been pretty great about the grocery store, etc. but forget shoe shopping (and I don't mean Carrie Bradshaw shoe shopping, I mean, I need a new pair of summer shoes or I'll be barefoot!). He was impossible to do those things with, b/c I couldn't get a moment of quiet from him so I could look and think and actually consider trying anything on. Meanwhile, I'm at home, suffering the 400 witching hour with DS (which lasts til 6, when DH gets home) trying to get dinner ready only to have DH show up 20 minutes later than usual with a fresh haircut. Are you kidding me??? I get my hair cut maybe twice a year, if I'm lucky! It does get better as they get older, though. My New Year's resolution was to get THREE haircuts this year!


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## treeoflife3 (Nov 14, 2008)

All of that stuff and more.. but I try to keep it in perspective... I COULD read while he puts the kid to bed, I COULD work full time, I COULD take showers alone, I COULD eat meals all the way through.... but because I'm a SAHM and I still nurse it makes having more parental equality equal. There is no real reason why it can't be my husband who does bedtime and night wakings and all child bathing and the bulk of the childcare so I have more time for reading/games/bathroom alone... it is just how our life ended up based on things that are important to me which is nursing on command until child led weaning and being a SAHM. We fell into a routine of my being the main parent always with a child around because of mainly those two things. Honestly, I think sometimes DH is jealous that I AM the main parent, the one kiddo will follow to the bathroom all the time and the one kiddo will go to sleep for and the one kiddo does better with alone for stretches of time (such as when husband is out with friends) I'd love the freedom he has sometimes but I'm not sure it's completely better on the other side. I'd have to give up different things and change how my child is parented for it.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

BTDT.... really really BTDT....

Know this though mama... this stage doesn't last forever. At some point you will actually get to do all of those things too, I promise! And once you're there you'll look back and it will feel like those early days just flew by (hard to imagine now, I know!).


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## KempsMama (Dec 1, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fireHC11*
> 
> Sometimes it strikes me as unfair, all the things my SO gets to do that I don't, as a mom. This is a vent, but maybe I can find solace in knowing I'm not alone in these feelings.
> 
> ...





> What is it for you -- what do you miss out on that your SO doesn't?


I guess I just find ways to do most of what you list. Except the sleeping a full stretch, but really with LO right next to me I barely notice anymore. We have a pretty lose routine, but never the less it's a routine and it helps me stay sane. I read/play games while LO is cluster nursing/napping. I used to hold our youngest while I ate, but now he'll sit in his high chair and munch while I eat/clean up after meals.


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## Annie Mac (Dec 30, 2009)

Mostly I am fine with the inequality; I am the SAH parent so I figure that's part of the trade off. However, recently I got the flu. My routine was in no way changed by this fact, except that I did a little less housework. Then my husband got the flu and he slept through it. Oh, I wish!


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## beebalmmama (Jul 21, 2005)

I probably felt more like that with our first. Now that we have two I think both dh and I are juggling and don't really have many of those luxuries. We tag team most things around the home. He's also an elementary teacher and so he's not kid free during his work day and he has ds (5 yrs) at his school and so juggles with him during his before/after school planning time.

I am jealous that he is a night owl and gets his exercise/jogging in once we're all in bed. I could too but I am exhausted by 9 pm. But I'm hoping I'll get my turn in the coming months once ds hopefully will be nightweaned and sleeping through the night. Then I can return to my previous AM yoga practice.

I'm jealous where his career has gone since we both finished school. But then I would never change the fact that I've been able to stay home for the first couple of years for both of our sons.


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## tinuviel_k (Apr 29, 2004)

My little one is 7 year old now so some of my olf "wishes" don't apply anymore (things do get better!) but I thought I'd post them anyway.

Things DH did that I wished I could do:

Take a "mental health" or sick day
Spend time alone with adults
A nice, quiet commute into work
Nap!

Things that I did that DH wished HE could do:

Read a book while nursing (I read a LOT of books that first 2years, LOL!)
Spend quality time during the day with our DD... trips to the zoo, parks, walks...(he felt like he missed out on so much)
Travel as much as I did (I was able to fly to California several times and visit my mother, and he couldn't take time off work)
Breastfeed our daughter to sleep
Have a way to calm our daughter (again, no breasts)


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## jeteaa (Jan 23, 2007)

I could imagine I thought as you did a few years ago when my dc were babies... but now that they are 4 and 6 yrs old this would be my list:

I get to stay home and play w/ my dc while my dh has to work 10 hrs a day at a job he doesn't love in order to support us

I get to read many hrs per day if I want while my dc play w/ eachother

I get to go on vacation to visit family in CA while dh has to stay home and work

I get to go to the gym mid day while dh has to get up at 3am if he want to go to the gym

The baby phase passes sooooooo fast. ENJOY that you get to lay in bed for hrs an nurse your baby. Enjoy that you are needed all day all night. Soon, you won't be needed all that much and you will have a entire new list about sahm vs working etc.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *tinuviel_k*
> 
> Spend quality time during the day with our DD... trips to the zoo, parks, walks...(he felt like he missed out on so much)


Thanks for mentioning that. I was just thinking about how DH gets all of this free time and kid free time and time with adults and how I'm home 24/7 with few breaks (unless they're things like grocery shopping, which is really not my cup of tea but I do it anyhow). It's good to think of the fact that he may get all of that time to himself and quiet, but he only sees the kids 2-3 hours a day, and by that time, they are cranky and tired. I get the good quality time. Thanks for the reminder.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

The only thing I do that my DH doesnt do is Homeschool. TOday I am working my butt off doing curriculum work....he is playing video games at his brothers house.

But, tonight after 3 hours of being at the dance school with my kids, he will make dinner, he will put the kids to bed tonight and he will walk them to the bus stop tomorrow morning while I get to go back to bed for an hour.

We are pretty equal actually.

My Ex husband....oh God. He STILL does jack. I do ALL the parenting, schooling, extra currs and health appts. He sees them 6 hours a week and gets to go out and eat with them, take them to movies....etc....


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

Ah, yes. Thats true. If DH gets sick, he goes to bed. If I get sick...I may get to do less, but I still have to do stuff.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

I think there's something wrong with you and your dh's expectations of each other. Sure, some of those things are unavoidable. Your dh gets to be at work and not have to deal during the day. You are the only one who can nurse the kid to sleep.

But I see no reason why he should be the only one to eat a meal all the way through. Why don't you get to do this? What kind of a husband, after being away all day, doesn't offer to hold the baby during dinner so his wife can eat?

What kind of husband doesn't take care of his child for a few hours on the weekends or an hour after work so his wife can take a break and read a book?

What kind of husband doesn't give up the video games in order to spend time with his kid, so that his wife can have more of a break?

Not the kind of husband I'd be happy with, that's for sure.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *zinemama*
> 
> I think there's something wrong with you and your dh's expectations of each other. Sure, some of those things are unavoidable. Your dh gets to be at work and not have to deal during the day. You are the only one who can nurse the kid to sleep.
> 
> ...


I agree. So many parents on this board seem to be doing such a huge portion of the childcare/housecare in their homes. I don't know if it's due to miscommunication (not discussing expectations with your partner before having children, not speaking up when your needs aren't being met, etc.), control issues (on the part of either spouse -- the less-involved spouse could be refusing to participate, or the more-involved spouse could be unwilling to give up control and not allowing his/her partner to participate to a greater extent), or what, but I couldn't live like that.


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *zinemama*
> 
> I think there's something wrong with you and your dh's expectations of each other. Sure, some of those things are unavoidable. Your dh gets to be at work and not have to deal during the day. You are the only one who can nurse the kid to sleep.
> 
> ...


I think you are reading way too much into it!

Seriously, I feel the same way OP...It's not that my DH doesn't give me the chance to read a book, or surf the web or take a shower alone. He offers all the time! It's that my DD is super clingy and needs mama around and paying attention to her all the time. The kid will literally slam a book shut on me to get me to pay attention to her...

DH tries to distract DD so I can eat my meal in peace but guess what, she wants mama! I totally empathize with you OP I am so right there these days.

DD cries if I shut the bathroom door to pee even when DH is home. Does she do that for DH? No way!


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

I understand a clingy kid (I have a clingy toddler now), but I agree with the above PPs who said it's still possible to have your own time.

The way my DH developed the kind of relationship with dd where he can take her out and give me some hours to do my own thing (which, most of the time, is family/house stuff that MUST be done anyway, but often I get a little me time in there too) is my DH took her out of the house on "adventures" (just regular stuff, park, walks, zoo, to visit friends) and even if she got upset she went anyway.

This way they developed a stronger relationship and she got a bit less clingy. She's just over 2 now and - and this was a VERY VERY clingy girl - she will ask if I'm coming along "Mommy you coming?" and when I explain I am not but tell her what I'll be doing instead and when she'll see me, she says "Ok, bye mommy" and kisses me and leaves peacefully with DH.

I know there will always be way more times during a day/week when busy mommas want more time to do basics for ourselves than we have, but a lot of the stuff in OPs post (eating a meal all the way through, taking a shower, quality time on the toilet), I believe Daddy should be able to handle a kid long enough that mom can do that in peace (Daddy goes out for drive, walk, go get food) at least a couple times a week.

And the eating a meal all the way through, it took DH and I figuring out what activities would occupy DD long enough to be able to be held/monitored by DH to get here, but we now know if we bring crayons, coloring book, and one other thing (like stickers or a special book) to the table, he can keep her occupied long enough for me to eat uninterrupted, and then I take over and he eats. And we still feel like we're eating as a family, even if we can't all be eating at the exact same moment.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LROM*
> 
> The way my DH developed the kind of relationship with dd where he can take her out and give me some hours to do my own thing (which, most of the time, is family/house stuff that MUST be done anyway, but often I get a little me time in there too) is my DH took her out of the house on "adventures" (just regular stuff, park, walks, zoo, to visit friends) This way they developed a stronger relationship.


This was the way it worked for us, too. My ds wasn't particularly clingy - maybe because starting at 8 months, dh would take him for about 4-5 hours every Saturday while I went off to recharge. Dh took the baby on errands to the hardware store, on trips to the park, etc. Ds was accustomed to being with his other parent from a very young age.

I don't think any child needs mama around and paying attention to her all the time. Not when there are two parents in the picture. I just don't. Believing that only they can meet a child's needs is a trap mothers (in particular) fall into too frequently. Often to the detriment of their own needs.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I'm a little embarrassed because in my house, this list looks more like "things that Laohaire can do that her DH can't."


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

I cant really think of anythng but that's probably because DH is the SAHP and Panda is very attached to him. So when I'm home we take turns caring for her. we also love all taking a shower together, it's really nice. she also has a big brother who will look out for her if we need to get some mama and daddy time


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *zinemama*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I think another trap many fall into is the idea that a baby/toddler expressing distress that daddy is taking them somewhere or that they're not with mommy for a short time means that the baby/toddler isn't ready to be away from mommy and so you don't do it. Well, I guess I shouldn't call that a "trap" because I guess it gets to different perspectives on parenting... but I think it's not good for any baby or toddler (or any kid) to be with one parent 24/7 for months and years. All of my SAHM friends (I work full time) make sure their partners have alone time with their kids from a young age (although it's never too late to start this), and that seems to help everyone have better, more even relationships.

Kids and families are all unique of course, so I'm not saying at all that this works for everyone. It's just my view (and seems to be the common view in my community) that it's healthy to have babes and kids get to know the other parent or other loved, trusted adults and not be with mommy every minute of every day for months/years. It's better for mommy's mental health too, hence this thread!

Even when dd was 2 months old, DH took her on walks in the baby carrier, not so much to give me a break but more to just get to know her himself and get her used to him.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

I am currently reading "Equally Shared Parenting" and although I don't think it will be an exact fit for my family, it's really interesting. It might give you some ideas for how to balance things out a bit!!! Although I get that this was just a vent, I still think you could take some steps to improve your quality of life. Like get a book light so you can read while nursing!!! And I strongly feel that if your DH has time to read & play video games, he also has time to watch your baby while you take a hot bath or whatever.

I have an incredibly high-needs DS who is completely mommy-centric and it's super hard to get any kind of real balance, but we're working on it, and he's way more adaptable than I give him credit for!! DS & DH took off for almost 3 hours one Saturday (longest I've ever been away from DS!) and he did just fine, even though if he was home he'd *need* to nurse several times and get lots of mommy time... and I have to say, taking a dump in private, with the door closed, was the highlight of my 3 hours.







So I really can relate







but don't give up, if your DH is willing and able, I'm sure you can work out something!!


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## goldenwillow (Jan 5, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Ldavis24*
> 
> I think you are reading way too much into it!
> 
> ...


I see her point too but I am right there with you. I could have sworn that I wrote what you did!

It literally breaks DH's heart not to be lactating (lol) and when the boys are together without me (not often, say 4 hours a week) they are just perfect together. DS (22 months) will sign for milk and DH explains that his do not work and DS will look at his hands like "why don't you understand" or "am I doing the wrong sign?" .... kinda funny. And trust me, he was nursed prior to my departure and is not in need at that time.

I think after DS weans himself DH will be able to be more of a parent to him. Not saying he isn't now, he is a fantastic father, I just feel that he will be able to help more in the ways that he wants to be able to.


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## goldenwillow (Jan 5, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *crunchy_mommy*
> 
> I have an incredibly high-needs DS who is completely mommy-centric and it's super hard to get any kind of real balance, but we're working on it, and he's way more adaptable than I give him credit for!! DS & DH took off for almost 3 hours one Saturday (longest I've ever been away from DS!) and he did just fine, even though if he was home he'd *need* to nurse several times and get lots of mommy time... and I have to say, taking a dump in private, with the door closed, was the highlight of my 3 hours.
> 
> ...


I can completely relate and I just laughed my ass off reading your post.







Thank you for the laugh!


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

I wanted to say that DD does in fact go on "adventures" with daddy all the time! They go to the grocery store together, out on errands together and that is when I get "me" time. They also go visit his dad for several hours at a time and she is totally fine.

Despite all that DD is still a cling-on. I guess I deserve it because she skipped the whole stranger danger/cling to mommy phase when she was much younger. I feel like she is making up for it in spades now!







She is very very lovely with her daddy (it melts my heart, as it I'm sure it does for all us mamas) but she still is super clingy to me! If someone could tell me how to unglue her that would make my day, week and month all at once.

ETA: isn't there something just so awesome about pooping with the door shut, in privacy, just you alone with the toilet







Love it!

Also, I notice too that when we are home DD "needs" to nurse about 80% more than when she is out with daddy or just when we are out and about in general, but try telling her no to nursing at home and it is like WW3


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## goldenwillow (Jan 5, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Ldavis24*
> 
> Also, I notice too that when we are home DD "needs" to nurse about 80% more than when she is out with daddy or just when we are out and about in general, but try telling her no to nursing at home and it is like WW3


Me too. Interesting huh.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I've read the Op three times and for the life of me....I cannot figure out why you don't change some things. There's no reason not to pass your child so you can finish dinner. There's no reason for the other parent not to get up during the night... he can at least change her diaper and comfort her if you've done nursing. There's no reason not to go to the bathroom by yourself if he's home.There's no reason you can't do the shopping in the evening if your baby won't need to nurse while your gone. Make some changes, OP. It's his kid, too!


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## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

Lots of posters are commenting that the OP should just change things and let her dh take more responsibility. I'm not sure of her dh's work schedule, but when my kids were babies/toddlers my dh would have frequent stints of working from 5 or 6 a.m. to 7 or 8 p.m. Not to mention frequent overnight travel. There simply wasn't much time for him to take much on around the house and with the kids. However, his workplace is very family-friendly and I could always drop the kids off there for a couple hours if I needed to during the day. Thankfully, his hard work has paid off for our family in a major way. But...the kids STILL (they're 6 and 9) will come in the bathroom when I'm in the shower to ask for help with something. Even if dh is readily available. *Sigh*


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> I've read the Op three times and for the life of me....I cannot figure out why you don't change some things. There's no reason not to pass your child so you can finish dinner. There's no reason for the other parent not to get up during the night... he can at least change her diaper and comfort her if you've done nursing. There's no reason not to go to the bathroom by yourself if he's home.There's no reason you can't do the shopping in the evening if your baby won't need to nurse while your gone. Make some changes, OP. It's his kid, too!


Maybe I am wrong but I think was more a humorous, joking kind of complaint list that a lot of us mamas can relate too. I doubt that it is a constant issue for her every day. Then again maybe I am wrong...Eh who am I?


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> I've read the Op three times and for the life of me....I cannot figure out why you don't change some things. There's no reason not to pass your child so you can finish dinner. There's no reason for the other parent not to get up during the night... he can at least change her diaper and comfort her if you've done nursing. There's no reason not to go to the bathroom by yourself if he's home.There's no reason you can't do the shopping in the evening if your baby won't need to nurse while your gone. Make some changes, OP. It's his kid, too!


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## Annie Mac (Dec 30, 2009)

I don't think the OP necessarily needs to revamp her life. I do the lion's share (or should I say lioness' share? It would be more accurate) of the housework & baby care, while my husband brings in 100% of our family income. He's a good provider & works long hours. I personally feel like we're on equal footing, and maybe the OP feels that way too (it does seem like they both work for money though). Still, even feeling that way, I have days when I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all & I suspect (well, I know) my husband feels the same from time to time as well. I read an interesting study a while back (sorry, can't recall the source). It talked about feeling happy within your marriage. One of the major predictors for a happy marriage was a clear vision of what was expected from each partner. It didn't really matter how the work was split, or whether or not it was equally divided, so long as everyone was very clear about who does what.


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## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

I feel you, OP. I'm a SAHM and DH works long hours so the child care is mostly mine. He helps out by bathing the big kids & putting them to bed each night. I don't and have never expected him to get up in the night with the kids because it's easier for me- flop out a boob & nurse a baby back to sleep- it's not like he physically CAN. If I need him to help, if a baby is cranky or inconsolable, he'll take a shift, but that's very very rare.

What I am most jealous of his is ability to announce he's going to do something whenever he wants, and DO IT. i.e. I'm going to take a shower now. I'm going to the store. I have to wait until baby is asleep or awake and happy and rush around before that changes. I don't run on my own schedule. However, the baby is only 6 wks old so it wasn't that long ago that I WAS able to do those things, and I know I will be able to again soon.

I'm also jealous of his daily adult interaction. SAHM of 3 doesn't get that much. And when I do, it's talking about kids!!


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Doodlebugsmom*
> 
> Lots of posters are commenting that the OP should just change things and let her dh take more responsibility. I'm not sure of her dh's work schedule, but when my kids were babies/toddlers my dh would have frequent stints of working from 5 or 6 a.m. to 7 or 8 p.m. Not to mention frequent overnight travel. There simply wasn't much time for him to take much on around the house and with the kids...


I think the OP's mention of "reading for hours" and "playing video games" led some of us to believe that he's spending big chunks of downtime at home.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *limabean*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Yes, that was my impression. Not that he is working for hours everyday and is never home but that when his home he does what he pleases and doesn't pitch in and help.


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## fireHC11 (Nov 21, 2009)

I did not mean to imply that dad does nothing around the house. He works long hours at a start up, sleeps poorly, gets tired. He takes the kid on weekends while I work; he does the evening routine including bath and books. It's not a day-to-day thing that bugs me -- mostly I'm fine -- but sometimes I am overwhelmed with what I'm doing and, to an even greater extent, with what I'm not doing. He reads or games in the hour(s) I put the kid to bed; I come out around 10, and he's ready to sleep but my day is just beginning. When I'm nursing the kid to sleep I have a laundry list of things going through my head: things I could be doing and will need to do anyway. Shower, poop, clean the house, scoop the cat box. Check my e-mail and make sure my advisor hasn't disowned me. Have an adult conversation with someone. Get some exercise. Whatever.

I don't think my life needs to be revamped. It is comforting to know other mommas feel this way sometimes, and it is encouraging to hear that this phase passes. I know it's all temporary, that my kid won't need me day and night forever (this was sad to hear, but helps). We're starting day care in May, for the first time ever, and every time I think about it I cry. But when I'm in the moment, sometimes the feeling is overwhelming!


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## treeoflife3 (Nov 14, 2008)

I read the reading a book for hours thing as at night when she is putting the kids to bed, not that he is reading while she is busy dealing with tantrums and making meals and cleaning... it also doesn't say he plays video games for hours.. just that he plays.

Although I agree.. IF he is doing whatever he pleases willy nilly and leaving OP to never have down time for herself, that is pretty unfair and not right. It seems to me though more like it was written about the things that are harder for a nursing SAHM to do because of having to work around a nursing kid who is used to having mom there all the time.

I also agree that I'd rather not be able to read as much though than have to be away from kiddo a lot more because I don't have the luxury of being at home all day with her... the other side isn't better... just different challenges.


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## Just1More (Jun 19, 2008)

All I have to say is...You have GOT to get a kindle. I LOVE my kindle. Totally changed my life. I couldn't really read a book anymore because nursing and page turning is impossible. The sound and movement ALWAYS wakes my babies up. But, with my kindle, I can read anything anywhere, and one handed, too. There are children's stories you can get, too. So, sometimes, when I'm standing up nursing a fussy baby who won't let me sit, I put my older kids in their beds and dance the baby in the middle of the room and they can STILL get a bedtime story. Ah, I LOVE my kindle.


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Just1More*
> 
> All I have to say is...You have GOT to get a kindle. I LOVE my kindle. Totally changed my life. I couldn't really read a book anymore because nursing and page turning is impossible. The sound and movement ALWAYS wakes my babies up. But, with my kindle, I can read anythLasing anywhere, and one handed, too. There are children's stories you can get, too. So, sometimes, when I'm standing up nursing a fussy baby who won't let me sit, I put my older kids in their beds and dance the baby in the middle of the room and they can STILL get a bedtime story. Ah, I LOVE my kindle.


I always thought it would help with trying to read and nurse...I have actually dropped a copy of the Lord of The Rings on her head (all 3 books, it was pretty heavy







) trying to turn the pages and nurse her to sleep at nap time. This has only confirmed I know what I am asking for for Mother's Day!


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## TEAK's Mom (Apr 25, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Just1More*
> 
> All I have to say is...You have GOT to get a kindle. I LOVE my kindle. Totally changed my life. I couldn't really read a book anymore because nursing and page turning is impossible. The sound and movement ALWAYS wakes my babies up. But, with my kindle, I can read anything anywhere, and one handed, too. There are children's stories you can get, too. So, sometimes, when I'm standing up nursing a fussy baby who won't let me sit, I put my older kids in their beds and dance the baby in the middle of the room and they can STILL get a bedtime story. Ah, I LOVE my kindle.


Oh how I wish I could send a Kindle back in time to when I was endlessly nursing babies who woke up at the slightest noise. I love it now, too, of course.


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## purplerose (Dec 27, 2010)

I was jealous that dh could get our babies to sleep at night without nursing them! I could come home from grocery shopping or whatever and the baby would be in the crib or asleep on dh in the recliner. Let me try that and we'd have two screaming babies LOL He also was able to get certain things done around the house quicker than I was, when somehow I couldn't as well with toddlers clinging to me. He didn't let them run wild, either. I still don't know how that happened!

The worst thing was that dh slept through the night...I'd get so angry about that. My last baby nursed during the night until she was 14 months old and that was a looong time of waking up through the night. Not good for me. I'd look at dh sleeping and snoring and just want to hurt him. That part passes, though. Now only the snoring gets on my nerves.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Ldavis24*
> 
> Maybe I am wrong but I think was more a humorous, joking kind of complaint list that a lot of us mamas can relate too. I doubt that it is a constant issue for her every day. Then again maybe I am wrong...Eh who am I?


You know, after reading the OP's most recent reply, I think you're right. Sorry to have contributed to the taking-it-too-seriously tangent of this thread, OP. We're all overwhelmed sometimes and have moments of wishing we had the perks that we feel our partner has.


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## Greenlea (Apr 21, 2010)

My DH helps out quite a bit and is great with the kids, but there are still some things I get jealous of:

- He gets to go to the gym. He's able to get up early and go (I can't as I get the kids ready in the morning and off to the sitter). Or he goes after work before coming home (again, I can't as he gets off like 3 hours earlier than me and goes before picking up the kids). I tried going to the gym a couple times on the weekend, but I had to come home after less than 1/2 hour because my constantly nursing baby needed me. I gave up, and am looking forward to the nice weather so I can run outside.

- Drinking. I love me some beer. But nursing and drinking don't quite go well together. If there is a rare occassion of even being able to be drunk since my son was born 2+ yrs ago, it doesn't work anyways because I cannot take care of the kids with a hangover.

I know thats only two, but really he helps out with most other things, like dinner, baths, bedtime, etc. I'm up a lot at night but thats cuz I'm still nursing. While I get frustrated every once in a while that he can't help me with the baby at night, its usually after a weeks worth of sleepness nights. He lets me take a nap and I'm all good.


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## fireHC11 (Nov 21, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *limabean*
> 
> You know, after reading the OP's most recent reply, I think you're right. Sorry to have contributed to the taking-it-too-seriously tangent of this thread, OP. We're all overwhelmed sometimes and have moments of wishing we had the perks that we feel our partner has.


No worries -- I love that everyone comes up with really great suggestions on how to help the situation.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fireHC11*
> 
> Sometimes it strikes me as unfair, all the things my SO gets to do that I don't, as a mom. This is a vent, but maybe I can find solace in knowing I'm not alone in these feelings.
> 
> ...





> What is it for you -- what do you miss out on that your SO doesn't?


Well, for the reading one, I've found that an e-reader device doesn't wake my dd. And he took dd into the shower with him plenty of times. And he's done the 3am-5am shift more than once.

The rest of it---AND HOW!

Mind you, it's already starting to get better, and now they can go to the park together and give me some time. Some day it might even be on a regular basis!!


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## kcparker (Apr 6, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fireHC11*
> 
> - Going to the bathroom. Seriously, spending some time sitting on the can. Alone. With the door shut.
> 
> - Showering alone.


I can remember my mom saying in total exasperation once when we were kids, "I just want to go to the bathroom by myself. Can I please just use the toilet in peace?" Now, I know her pain. I do shut the door sometimes, only to have somebody bang on it with a wooden block or insist that they need to potty too!

I am the breadwinner in our family, so I am jealous that DH gets to stay with the kids. He gets to go to the park with them. He gets to hang out in the back yard on a blanket eating peanut butter crackers and sit with his feet in the kiddy pool in the summer. He can take them out to a friend's farm to feed the goats and hear my older son say, "Hi, chickens!" I'm stuck in my boring old office. (Don't get me wrong, I know the SAH part is crazy-making in some ways too.)

He gets to hang out and eat donuts and drink coffee with his friend until noon while they let the kids play together.

And there's a lot of stuff that I fantasize that I could do if I were home that he doesn't do, things like, start getting dinner ready before 5:30 or 6 p.m., sort through outgrown clothing and take it to the thrift store, take myself and the older child to the dentist for a check-up, go to the library when they have puppet shows during the middle of the day, go to the nearby state park for a picnic and little hike with the kids, walk the dog (the 3-legged, 14 year old dog who only needs to go for a 1/2 mile walk, and it would be nice to do it in the daytime instead of when everyone is bone-tired- heck, the dog is happy with 2 blocks to the park, rest a spell, and come home).


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

Hmmm....this seems weired to me. I got to do all those things. I read a lot while nursing actually.And my DH just played with the baby while I took a shower every day. We alternate who takes time off at work. We also take separate vacations with friends and have a day at lease every other week when we each go and do something in the evening on our own.

May be this is why are are still together after 20 years.

So on and so forth. I am very lucky I guess.

I would never let my child slam a book on me. And they are not allowed to interrupt adult conversation....I do not interrupt theirs.


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## mommy212 (Mar 2, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Ldavis24*
> 
> I think you are reading way too much into it!
> 
> ...


this is exactly my situation lol. He offers, but LO wants none of it


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Well, my kids are 7 and 11, so I can pretty much do all of the things your DH can. I remember, though, when I just had the one child who was 3, and we were ttc #2. My husband decided to get LASIK. After the surgery, I had to go pick him up, and his prescribed course of treatment was to take this heavy sleeping pill so that he would sleep all afternoon into the next morning. I was also looking into getting LASIK, but I had just found out I was pregnant, so I couldn't do it at that time. I remember feeling envious of his sleeping pill, and I wished I could get the surgery just so I would be told to take a sleeping pill and sleep for the afternoon. But then I was still nursing, so I knew I couldn't do it anyway.

I did have a chance to sleep in, however. As soon as my babies were of an age where they didn't have to nurse constantly, nor did the need me all the time, I split up the weekend mornings for sleeping in. DH always took Saturday, and I took Sunday. It depends on how sick I was, but if I was vomiting or had a fever, and I couldn't really function, heck yeah, I went to bed and let DH shoulder the burden. I've had back problems on and off, and there was a point in time where I could barely get up off the bed. He did bring me my 2 year old to nurse at one point, but he did the care.

The only thing I feel like my DH can do that I can't is not do things for the kids that involve his time, and not feel guilty about it. If the kids get invited to a birthday party and I can't take them, he won't take them, he says they don't have to go. He didn't get to have birthday parties when he was a kid, and he thinks all these birthday parties and children related events are way overdone. So sometimes I have to rearrange my schedule and do a lot of running around if I want them to go. I guess because he works long hours, he is obsessively protective of his free time. I don't really feel like my free time is my own. I do a lot of out of the house activities, but he can just sit in the house and not have to do kid related stuff.


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## Sfcmama (Aug 29, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommy212*
> 
> Totally agree, also add to the list drinking, and being able to do a workout without cramming into nap time, or having a toddler running around your feet pulling on your clothes... When DH is with little one alone, he apparently justs runs around the house and plays, and DH plays games mostly. When i am there, he will barely let me read a page or two in a book or check my email.


Omg, YES, this!!! I only read to the second post but am SOOOOO glad to know I'm not alone on this!

Not sure if it's already been added but DH has NO CLUE how easy it is to go out for a bit without first making sure there is milk pumped!


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## MissMaegie'sMama (Jul 27, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Doodlebugsmom*
> 
> My kids are older now, so many of the things listed don't really apply to me anymore. I'm envious of dh's ability to pretty much do whatever he wants whenever he wants without planning in advance and making all sorts of arrangements. He doesn't abuse this or anything, but he does stuff that would require advance planning, childcare, etc. if I were to do it.


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## ElliesMomma (Sep 21, 2006)

oh, i have a good one to add to the list. (all of which i experience, too, BTW). i'm envious that when DH gets sick, he gets to *go to bed for however long it takes to sleep it off.* and when i get sick, well, it's usually b/c the kids are sick and being sick all over me... and of course, they are my responsibility 100 % so being sick on top of taking care of sick kids is just like 1-2 weeks of agony. and he just quietly goes to bed, basically putting up the do not disturb sign.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

Taking a bath without children watching, banging on the door, or trying to use the potty while I'm shaving my legs...


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## nina_yyc (Nov 5, 2006)

OP, I know you meant this to be lighthearted and seriously it's GREAT that you can be lighthearted about it but I think most of us are speaking from a long and bitter struggle.

DH and I are always struggling with communication on that kind of thing. If I want a nap, break, work late, not cook, not have a plan, not be the first one up etc. I have to ask or it won't happen. He is of the belief that you are entitled to do those things and you should just take what you need....and yes, it works both ways. I find the idea of just 'taking' time really rude, so I don't like to do it and I don't like when it is done to me.

We both share the WOH/SAHP roles since the kids are in daycare only twice a week but we both work almost full time (a non-ideal situation that was great for keeping DS with us when he was a baby but is starting to be a p.i.t.a.) With our shared roles I am up against this all the time! I have even told him things like "I am totally happy to take DD to school in the morning when you're on the afternoon shift, especially if it's so you can sleep in and get a break, but I don't like that you assume I will do it." I don't know how much more clear I can be than this! I have also introduced a family calendar, budget, and family meetings so that everyone is formally engaged in family life (I think it embarrasses him when our four-year-old brings more ideas to the table than he does.)

I get to read books and go to the bathroom alone and work and all that stuff, and I could do even more if I made it happen, but that doesn't really replace having someone that really looks out for you and cares about your needs. I love my DH and I want our marriage to work so I am trying to accept that I dug my own hole on this one by not being clear on my needs and expectations from day one and these things take time to fix. I am just not that patient...

Sorry about the rant


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## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

I miss peeing and showering alone. We had a babysitter and hotel room for a wedding a few weeks ago and I took 3 showers and a bath alone just b/c I could. Dh laughed at me for it all weekend.


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## MsFortune (Dec 5, 2010)

There are some big disadvantages to working but it's done great things for fostering equality and forcing us to share the housework and childcare. We both work, and so my expectation is that we split that all as equally as we can.

When I was nursing, it was unequal but that's biology, and not much you can do about that. But I expected DH to do everything he could to help me get the maximum sleep I could get (do the bath routine, take kids so I can nap, feed bottle if I pumped).

But outside of nursing, DH does half.

Right now we have two kids who wake at night (7 mo and 2 yo). DH does ALL of the night waking and night feeding. In return, I wake up with the kids (at 5 AM some days - ugh).

But the other stuff - we both clean, we both run errands. He's really great about taking care of the kids so both of us have our schedules revolve around the kids. He does need a kick in the ass to do housework sometimes but I can get time to go shopping, take long showers, read books, see my friends, have dinner, and drink wine.

So Dad doesn't get to do anything that Mom doesn't get to do in my house.

I don't think being a SAH parent means that you are the only one that does housework or childcare, either. When I was on mat leave, I did more of the childcare (obviously) but if anything, I expected DH to take on even more of the childcare than he does now that I am back at work.

If you want changes, demand them.


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## 2lilsweetfoxes (Apr 11, 2005)

My list--

Daddy gets to:

--Wake up after 6 am (I'm up and about at 5 am getting ready to go to work)

--Take the baby to the park on a sunny morning, if he so chose. (She naps in the afternoon) I'm stuck at work--likely in a meeting or running about trying to locate someone to get something signed.

--Set his own work hours (he's a writer, so as long as he isn't on deadline, he can), allowing him time for hobbies, taking the children to therapy and doctor's appointments.

--Work on his computer/watch TV unmolested.

I get to:

--Get home from work at 5-5:30 pm and clean the kitchen before I can make supper, make supper, clean the kitchen, do the day's laundry, make all appointments--so I'm sitting on hold with different companies/doctors/therapists with the calendar open. And the daily chores. To include cleaning up the messes the family made during the day. On top of getting the kids to bed. They have a strict bedtime. Maybe I can have a few minutes to chill before going to bed--but more likely, I'm editing or reviewing what DH wrote that day.

--Put up with bosses with near-impossible standards and twenty people at minimum at a time all "needing" something from me--and conflicting my schedule.

--If I'm watching something on TV and someone wants/"needs" something, I must get up and take care of them. During that time, the channel is invariably changed. Heaven help me if I turn it back. Heaven help me if I don't get up and help whomever is requesting help.


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## sweetpeppers (Dec 19, 2007)

Well, I'm single, with no family or friends or babysitters, so I pretty much do it all. I do miss things from before I was a mother, but out of necessity I had to find a way to still do things that I liked. The one thing that I would really like occasionally is a day off. lol. I just want to be able to spend the day in bed with a book sometimes. As a mother, you never get days off. And it's not like I want to not see him for a whole day, we're practically joined at the hip. I just want to not DO anything all day for once.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sweetpeppers*
> 
> Well, I'm single, with no family or friends or babysitters, so I pretty much do it all. I do miss things from before I was a mother, but out of necessity I had to find a way to still do things that I liked. The one thing that I would really like occasionally is a day off. lol. I just want to be able to spend the day in bed with a book sometimes. As a mother, you never get days off. And it's not like I want to not see him for a whole day, we're practically joined at the hip. I just want to not DO anything all day for once.


It is OKAY to hire a sitter to take a day off, or even just a few hours... In fact, it's healthy... for you! I hope you find a trustworthy sitter someday so you can do that. We all deserve it!


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

No one is stopping anyone from doing any of the things listed except mothers themselves. Seriously. Just do it. If you are blessed with a partner....seriously, the only thing that stopd you from having a shower in peace or yoga class or cup of coffee with a friend is the society imposed martyrdom.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

I disagree.

It's not me that prevents me from having an unmolested bath. When I was married, it was my husband. Not me. There's nothing I can do from in the tub that stops the children from banging on the door. And now, it's still not me, because I'm single. There is no magic time where I can be alone in a quiet house to take a bath without children banging on the door. Please don't accuse me of being a martyr simply because there's no one here to assist me with bathtime. The only time I can take a bath unmolested is in the middle of the night, and even then, it might wake a child up, who'd come a-knockin'


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## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Alenushka*
> 
> No one is stopping anyone from doing any of the things listed except mothers themselves. Seriously. Just do it. If you are blessed with a partner....seriously, the only thing that stopd you from having a shower in peace or yoga class or cup of coffee with a friend is the society imposed martyrdom.


I also have to disagree. Not everyone who is blessed with a partner has a partner who simply works 9-5 and then comes home. There's no way dh and I could've BOTH worked outside the home when the kids were little. I would've gotten fired from any job I had with as many sick days as I would've had to take for the kids. He traveled so much and worked lots and lots of 15 hour days. He also worked many weekends. It was sacrifices we were both making for the good of our family. By me taking on all that responsibility, he was able to get himself into a really good position. It was difficult for BOTH of us. I never had any time to myself, and he missed out on a lot with the kids. It's fine to vent about this type of thing. Trust me. I did it all the time back then!







Things change when the kids get older. It's much easier now than it was then. For dh and me. His job (all that hard work earned him the position of president of the company) is more flexible and the kids and I are all in school now. Life is good because we made those sacrifices early on.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

And for me, there simply is no DH. There is only me and whatever babysitters I can afford to pay, when they are available.


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## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery*
> 
> And for me, there simply is no DH. There is only me and whatever babysitters I can afford to pay, when they are available.


Exactly. Every family is different and therefore it isn't always possible for equality in childcare and household responsibilities. My bff is a single mama so I see first-hand just how difficult that is. It's quite silly to paint this subject with a broad brush, assuming that everyone has the same opportunities.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery*
> 
> And for me, there simply is no DH. There is only me and whatever babysitters I can afford to pay, when they are available.


She said "if you're blessed with a partner."


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

DH gets 3 hours of free time between dropping of DS at school and going to work. Three. Whole. Hours. Granted, this is just how things work out with our work schedules and he often spends that time doing house projects. But OMG, three whole hours of free time. I could drool. Meanwhile, I have to get up at an unholy hour of the morning if I want to exercise.


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## Just1More (Jun 19, 2008)

I have to say, too, that it isn't always true just because you "have a partner". It's not just mothers not doing what they want to do. My dh can work incredibly long hours, and often our life comes down to strictly needs, not wants. That was even more true when my first two were little. I was not technically alone, but I was for a good deal of the time. I didn't get showers for days on end, and did very little of my own choosing. We had a sick baby, no family, and he had very little time for help. It wasn't all roses in those days. And it wasn't of my own making.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

I missed that line, my apologies

But even with a partner, it's still not martyrdom. If your partner is frequently gone, or is just not interested in being a coparent/coadult/etc like mine became, you're still on your own.


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

Well,

Unless your kids are younger than...2 ...why not simply explain to them what will happen if they knock on your door?

There has to be a cosnequnece for rude behaviour and interrupting someone's bath for non emergecy reason is rude behaviour.

I make it very clear to my DH and my children that if I do nto ahve certain amount time for myself, tehy can forget about ahving happy, fuctional and engaged mother. It acutalyl works to be assertice about one's needs


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

If you do something because you love doing it it is not a sacrafice.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

Believe me, I've explained it to them and followed through. It doesn't deter them. Like most 5 and 3 year-olds, they're just not very good at self-supervision.







He hit me, he took my toy, he's in my way, I need a drink, I have to pee/poop, I'm hungry, I think someone's at the door, I'm scared of something... Even when they're not banging on the door, I can hear all this going on down the hall. I'm not hard-wired to just ignore them for 20 minutes aside from emergencies. If I want a quiet bath, it's got to be when they're sleeping, not home, or supervised by a visitor.

If there's a magic trick to get children not to be rude, not to fight with one another, not to come knock on my door for every little thing... I'd love to take that class! But if it was as simple as explaining something to them (can you really explain anything to a 3 year-old?) my problem would have been solved 50 baths ago lol


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

(I'm a SAHM, dp WAH)

He gets to run childless errands on a whim. Just like "oh, I'm going to the grocery store." When I want to do something, I have to plan it in advance, and make sure he's not busy so he can watch the kids. This is my biggest issue. I just want to be able to up and go without planning ahead.

Along the same lines, he can just decide to have a nap. If I want a nap, I have to plan ahead and make sure he's available to watch ds2.

He gets to stay in bed when ds2 wakes up in the middle of the night. This is only partially his fault though. Ds2 currently would totally freak out if dp tried to comfort him at night. (like sobbing hysterically to the point that he can't breathe well.) He also doesn't get up with ds2 when he gets up earlier than usual. Ds2 would be totally fine with that.

Oh- he can get cleaning done when he's watching ds2. Ds2 is totally not as clingy/needy with dp as he is with me. That's not dp's fault at all.


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## Lynn08 (Dec 2, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery*
> 
> I disagree.
> 
> It's not me that prevents me from having an unmolested bath. When I was married, it was my husband. Not me. There's nothing I can do from in the tub that stops the children from banging on the door. And now, it's still not me, because I'm single. There is no magic time where I can be alone in a quiet house to take a bath without children banging on the door. Please don't accuse me of being a martyr simply because there's no one here to assist me with bathtime. *The only time I can take a bath unmolested is in the middle of the night, and even then, it might wake a child up, who'd come a-knockin'*


the bolded made me laugh! only cuz i'm pretty sure this would happen if i had the gall to bathe in the middle of the night!









for me, things have changed drastically (for the better!) since dd2 was born. it took me telling him that i would rather be a single mother to 1 than be married with 2 (meaning dh & dd1). shortly after that discussion, i became pregnant with dd2 and flat out told him that if he didn't step up, i would leave. well, dd2 is almost 3 months old and i'm still here! it's still a work in progress, but at least he's working on it. still........

i would love, love, love, love it if the dishes would get done without me having to do them! you know, if the "dishes fairy" came in the middle of the night and waved her magic wand? yeah, that would be wonderful. as it is, if i don't do them, they just sit there until i do. *sigh*

and it would be delicious if i got to really sleep in. we cosleep - dd2 in our bed & dd1 in her own bed in our room and as it is, dh only gets up with dd1. so i still wake up about 14 times to nurse, burp, etc dd2. but when it's dh's turn to sleep in, i take both kids. ahhhhh, one day i will no longer have a lo attached to my boob. one day.


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## Calliope84 (Aug 19, 2010)

Nothing. He doesn't get to do anything because he works full time to support us and is also taking online college classes for his computer science degree. When he has free time, he cleans the house, mows the lawn, takes the dog out or bathes her, fixes things, runs errands with me, etc. I feel bad for him. I mean, I don't have time to do much, either, but at least I get to sit there and nurse the baby while he does other things that need to be done.

Oh, and I do NOT begrudge him playing a few hours of video games. Men need to de-stress, too. He's allowed me to play video games or takes the baby in the morning so I can sleep longer.


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## Calliope84 (Aug 19, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Just1More*
> 
> All I have to say is...You have GOT to get a kindle. I LOVE my kindle. Totally changed my life. I couldn't really read a book anymore because nursing and page turning is impossible. The sound and movement ALWAYS wakes my babies up. But, with my kindle, I can read anything anywhere, and one handed, too. There are children's stories you can get, too. So, sometimes, when I'm standing up nursing a fussy baby who won't let me sit, I put my older kids in their beds and dance the baby in the middle of the room and they can STILL get a bedtime story. Ah, I LOVE my kindle.


Yeah, that^^^^^^ I read constantly, although sometimes it distracts DD cuz she wants to look at it, too.


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## MrsBone (Apr 20, 2004)

I agree completely!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *treeoflife3*
> 
> All of that stuff and more.. but I try to keep it in perspective... I COULD read while he puts the kid to bed, I COULD work full time, I COULD take showers alone, I COULD eat meals all the way through.... but because I'm a SAHM and I still nurse it makes having more parental equality equal. There is no real reason why it can't be my husband who does bedtime and night wakings and all child bathing and the bulk of the childcare so I have more time for reading/games/bathroom alone... it is just how our life ended up based on things that are important to me which is nursing on command until child led weaning and being a SAHM. We fell into a routine of my being the main parent always with a child around because of mainly those two things. Honestly, I think sometimes DH is jealous that I AM the main parent, the one kiddo will follow to the bathroom all the time and the one kiddo will go to sleep for and the one kiddo does better with alone for stretches of time (such as when husband is out with friends) I'd love the freedom he has sometimes but I'm not sure it's completely better on the other side. I'd have to give up different things and change how my child is parented for it.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

This thread makes me want to flip it around, which certainly does put it into perspective...

things mom gets to do that dad doesn't:

be there at Awards Day

drop by for lunch at school

pick kids up early from daycare

read bedtime stories

be the recipient of the prettiest flower in the park

pet the lizard, insect, or other small animal that has been caught

wake up to kids sprawled all over me

teach Corbin to play World of Warcraft

the list goes on. and makes me smile. but also makes me kind of sad.


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## MrsBone (Apr 20, 2004)

I remember feeling "trapped" with DS when he was nursing. DH just couldn't handle DS's attachment to me, would attempt to distract and spend time with DS alone, but DS always wanted me. Once DS was weaned, DH was able to step in much easier. Now they spend hours together on the weekend while I go do other stuff. So, I always try to remind myself, that during that time, babies need mama and that it will pass. I know obvoiusly not everyone feels that way, and if DH were more aggressive in his approach to spending time with baby sans mama, I'd certainly appreciate it, but I don't expect it.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Xantho*
> 
> I see her point too but I am right there with you. I could have sworn that I wrote what you did!
> 
> ...


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## RRMum (Nov 7, 2010)

I appreciate all the balance in everyone's posts, DH misses out too, etc.. BUT in the spirit of the original vent, I soooooo miss: Reading (non parenting books), drinking a full cup of hot coffee, and many other things. It's definately ok to vent and get it out before resentment breeds. Love my DH, he's an amazing and very involved dad, but let's face it there is some imbalance in early parenthood and it's ok to say it out loud. Hang in everyone, love yourself, your kids and that well meaning SO!


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## kawa kamuri (Apr 19, 2006)

I'm envious that my DP can get tattooed, that he is living in his own body rather than with an achey, grumpy pregnant host body and that he can grab a drink after work.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery*
> 
> This thread makes me want to flip it around, which certainly does put it into perspective...
> 
> ...


This goes on my list of things I don't want to do, but end up having to do because my husband won't do it. We've basically gotten to the point where if we help her, and she just gets angry and frustrated with the game, and we make her log off. It's just not worth it.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

When Corbin gets frustrated he just rolls a new toon!


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## MaerynPearl (Jun 21, 2008)

Yeah I agree with pretty much that whole list.

My husband gets to play video games and read without interruptions. 
My husband can go out and get a haircut any time he wants.

He can sleep through the night, when he chooses to. The rest of the time, he can stay up until 2am, get up at 5am and know he can get a nap after work.
He can go out with his buddies without needing childcare.
Shopping, for him, doesn't require distracting little hands from shiny breakable things or trying to get the little one to stop screaming when you do so.
He can clean without a trail of tornadoes undoing everything he just did.
He can workout without waiting for nap time.
He can sit at the computer without a 6 month old trying to type for him.
Meal time means eating a warm meal... not preparing a warm meal, feeding the kids, and then eating a cold meal.

He can eat whatever he wants without worrying about it upsetting the baby's tummy.

Movies are not a fond memory to him but something he just hung out with some friends to watch just the other night.

He can go swimming without the anxiety of the kids getting too close to the deep end. (even though they can swim, I still get anxious)

When the kids are having troubles at school, he only has to hear about it, he doesn't have to deal with it.
He can shower pretty much whenever he wants. Sometimes, he gets TWO showers in one day. Seriously? Jealous.

But... My husband is a Marine who is currently deployed. As tough as it is in my shoes, I wouldn't trade with him for anything because he's missing half of the first year of our daughters life.


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