# I wish...



## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

I wish I didn't have a reason for friends to tell me they too have suffered a miscarriage. It is a group I would rather not have joined.

I wish that people would stop telling me that I should be grateful I have 3 other healthy children. (like I am not!?!)

I wish I could be in public and not have to see all the pregnant bellies and new babies that make my arms ache with the emptiness of what will not be.

I wish I was feeling the baby that was supposed to be inside me.

I wish I could get back on level ground, where I was okay...where I felt part of things....

I wish the numbness would go away

I wish I had a switch that I could just turn off the pain and sadness. I started my second cycle post loss today. It is my non-pregnant reality screaming loudly at me...I am not enjoying it today.


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## bluebird68 (Mar 6, 2006)

Dear Mama, I am thinking of you, and can second all of the wishes that you expressed. It is so very painful dealing with the emptiness and things that have been anticipated for so long in what was once a positive way. I will be sending good thoughts and much comfort your way. I am glad you are sharing your feelings here! I can really relate.
Peace to you, and hugs, Michelle


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## hawkfeather (Jan 18, 2005)

I wish you all that you need momma!


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)




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## pfamilygal (Feb 28, 2005)

(((((hugs)))))


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)




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## stellimamo (Jan 9, 2006)

I have all those same wishes right now.

I'm so sorry you had to join the club too.


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## dividedsky (Jul 24, 2006)

be strong, mama. you are doing great. i hope you are doing lots of special things for yourself to soothe your mind and soul. (((hugs)))


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

*dividedsky* --- *stellimamo* --- *taradt* --- *pfamilygal* --- *Kidzaplenty* --- *hawkfeathe*r --- *Bluebird68*.
Thank you, I appreciate the thoughts and









I am glad that I found MDC when I was in the Jan07 DDC. I don't know if I would have gone looking when my need was the greatest.

Your stories, strength and honesty provide a great measure of comfort at a time when I have needed it most. Funny how people you don't know can have more of an impact on your life sometimes.

I (personally) don't think you can truly understand the loss of a pregnancy or baby until you have been there. I know now I had no clue prior to my experience. (I thought I did--but BOY was I wrong!)

Ladies, thank you for being you...for being there...for sharing yourselves...and your strength. Although it is sad that we are all part of this group, for I know we would all rather not be...perhaps this is part of the purpose. To be there for each other and for the others that, sadly, will join our group.

Micheline


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## Deana (Jun 10, 2006)

I can relate to your post completely. Not just the longing to be back on "ground level" again, but each month I seem to re-live the loss during my cycle. I am not trying to concieve (unfortunately) and each period is a reminder of what has been lost. I am currently waiting on my fourth cycle (has it really been that long?!) and I'm spending the evening reading this forum and steeping in my sadness. I too wish I wasn't part of this too large club . . . but glad for the support.

Sorry for the venting! I know you posted earlier this month, but hugs to you


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Deana, your thoughts echo mine.

Mammax4, you spoke to a lot of our hearts. I hope the pain in your own heart has been eased by the company of those who understand.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

mamax4, you speak my mind and my heart. The cycles of life feel terribly cruel right now. I am so sorry for you, and feel your loss, too.

My only real comfort to offer is that you are not alone, and there must be some purpose in our ability to comfort one another . . . and strength to be drawn from that.

Take care of yourself.


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

Thank you *Deana --- lolalapcat --- gretasmommy*

I can not imagine how difficult this would have been if I would not have had the support I have been given here. To suffer in silence would be unbearable. Thank you again for your words and thoughts, they do give me strength.








Micheline


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Micheline--

It does help to know you are not alone, and to not be silent! And you shouldn't be silent, your words are so poetic and honest. If it helps, pour your soul out here. We want to hear you, and how you are dealing with the loss of your little one.

It is my sincere hope that your suffering will gradually recede. Let us know if we can help in any way. You know we will be listening.

Keri


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

Keri-

I am tearing up as I am sitting here--I knew I shouldn't have worn eye makeup today. I know that gradually I will not feel with the same intensity as I do now. I think the difficulty for me is that I have never needed to be "truely heard" before. Don't get me wrong, I don't hesitate to express myself. This is different...it is so extremely personal and emotional.
I can see others have a hard time with me, not knowing what to do or say because I have never been like this before. I appreciate their struggle, as I too struggle with how to do this. It makes me all the more greatful to have the ears (or eyes as this case may be) of the women here. There is real comfort in knowing "you are not the only one"...that someone else has been there...that you are not crazy. (well maybe a little, but only enough to make life fun)








Thank you for helping light the way...

Micheline


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

mamax4 - Earlier today I was thinking of your "list" of wishes as I told a good friend about our limbo situation. I have been reluctant to share with most, as this is intensely emotional and it's much easier to not have others be aware of what's going on. I just don't want to see that "I'm so sorry for you" face, you know?
Anyway, this terrific friend said to me that one day I will just wake up and realize that I am not crying . . that eventually that will happen . . . and I just have to hope she's right. She has experienced loss as well, so she speaks from experience. I thought that was such a nice thing to say, really. Not that one day I will forget and move on - I won't ever forget. But someday I will stop crying . . .

We all will, because we must.


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

Andrea,

I know that face...it's kinda like the deer in the headlights with a little of "get me the heck out of here" thrown in for good measure. I went shopping after we had been at the hospital getting "the news"...we ran into a gf's dh. We had not seen them since getting pregnant, but they knew. He came over and said "So, I hear congratulations are in order"...poor man... I still have not spoken to them. I climbed into a protective shell and didn't really venture out that much. In the past month I have started back again.

I totally believe that your friend is right. That whole shift may be so subtle, you may not even be aware of the change. I too look forward to the day when I realize I am not crying anymore. I would like to get back to enjoying seeing a pregnant belly without feeling the emptiness and longing inside.
Hearing (reading) the other experiences shows we get there, in our own time. I wish my time would hurry up! I was able to see a gf and her 7 week old ds last week. She has been great with allowing me space. She made sure it was a "good day" to come over.

I agree that you don't forget. That babe may not have been born, but it was alive in your thoughts and dreams and plans. Those hopes don't vanish because your physical reality has changed.

This will be a challenging year...I have a woman I see everyday that is ttc #2and being all excited about it, telling me etc.







:







: Yes, she knows about my loss. My sister will be ttc #3 through IVF sometime this fall. I will be happy for her when it happens, I will have to keep my green eyed monster at bay.

I hope your limbo goes away and you can start your physical recouperation. Let me know how things are going.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Micheline, and Andrea too--

This is a struggle, and we are all on a learning curve. Not only do most people not know what to do or say, I don't really know what I want them to do or say.

This does help, not being alone. There is only so much I can lean on the non-cyber people in my life, as I don't want them to wind up running down the street screaming to get away from me. I feel like an anchor sometimes, dragging people into the dark cold water with me.

Micheline, I'm sorry you are having to deal with That Woman. That would drive me insane! And my green eyed monster is snarling right now, I want all the happy pregnant people and just-had-baby people to get away from me! I'm so civilized and nice on the outside, but it takes everything in me to pull it off. How many of us deserve Oscars? I don't know how you deal with it everyday!

And I have never hesitated to express myself either, I've always been a pretty balanced, emotionally healthy person....but these experiences change everything. Great, it's an identity crisis on top of grief. Never quite looked at it like that until now.

But I've never been the type to seek anonymity, or to even look at message boards, but now I'm here everyday. And you all help me, and I hope I help you. So often someone will say something that is exactly what I have been thinking...

I like what Andrea's friend said. And I know from experience it is true, we will all gradually ease out of the depth of pain. It will not always be like this.

All of you are in my heart now, and I think of you often as you are dealing with your losses.

Thanks for talking,

Keri


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

Keri,

I too have not been a forum kinda gal. I now find I am on most days...I try to limit the lurking on my old DDC, but I do still venture there sometimes. It's like those sports disaster shows...you can't stand to watch it, but you can't look away.

I think there is a real need to have some connection with others that have had this personal experience. You can't really understand unless you have been there. The cyber-space is an added bonus in that I/we don't need to keep up the "I'm okay" facade. I can let my true, naked, raw emotion out here...I don't need to worry about someone running down the street. When you think about it, really we have amazing connections here...no fake, no BS, just the real person. I bet there are not many people in our daily face to face lives that have that kind of relationship with us. We may not get to see each other's faces, we get to see each other's souls. How incredible.

That Woman gets tuned out when I see her. I think she finally clued in yesterday, she certainly made a fast get away once she had started with the "We're on a really tight schedule now for trying to conceive,







: it's actually not very fun"







:







:







:







: Some people can be so tactless!

Unfortunately, my job involves young children. I am surrounded every day by little ones.














: They are mostly under 3...which means of course those parents that will ttc again generally do while they are around me. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?? Just call me WONDER WOMAN







or would that be the Incredible Hulk - the green eyed monster that comes out when emotionally charged.
















to all of you. As sad as it is that we are all here, it would be a different place without us.

Micheline


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

Micheline, your posts just speak to me. I am sorry to be sharing this with you right now!

I am a pediatrician, and like you, see young families every day. I am sure I could have a career in acting! I have attended 4 deliveries this week so far . . . and it's so painful!

I am so, so sorry.


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

Andrea,










I can't put into words what I want to say to you. I can't imagine how hard it must be to attend deliveries and new babies right now. Maybe *you* will be the difference for a family that needs you. This experience does provide a whole different level of connection.









It is sad that we have to put on our *happy* face for everyone to see. I think sometimes it is more effort than I want to put out.

I don't even take it off for dh most times now as we have had a real disconnect since all of this happened.

Within the first week after the D&C, he made a comment about how I wasn't acting like I was happy to see him (when he came home from work) another time he complained I wasn't responding to him kissing me. I'm sorry sweetheart, our baby just died, my belly hurts, my heart aches, and my arms will never be filled again..._did you want me to put my tongue down your throat?_







: During a moment of grief "bargaining" I asked him if he would be willing to ttc until December, then we could figure out what we wanted to do after that. He said No, that he did not want to ttc at all again, that he didn't want to deal with a new baby again. (I did call him on that at a later point and he said he shouldn't have said that) I don't know if that was how his grief was being expressed, but I sure didn't/don't appreciate any of it. I don't know how to reconnect with him. Sometimes I am not sure I want to. We have been married for 15 years, he has been a great hubby up until this. I know he has had a hard time not knowing how to make it better for me. I guess we need some time to get ourselves sorted out as well as "us" sorted out.

Wow....that really got going didn't it. I guess I needed to unload.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

Oh, Micheline! I understand that "disconnect". It's such a real experience for us - it is happening to our bodies, afterall, and our hormones and emotions are intimately tied to the process. Poor guys, in a way. They have only to deal with this on an intellectual/emotional level, and it must be so difficult to understand what we are experiencing and how best to help us.

Please take care of yourself. If your relationship has been strong all of these years, perhaps searching for something you both can share in and do together again would be helpful. I know my DH is having a great deal of difficulty knowing how to even smile at me right now without me taking it badly! I am a bit unpredictable in my moods these days (really??!!!), and it must be hard for others to know how to approach me. But the thing is, I can't help it! It's not as though I am enjoying this!!!!

You know, you are right - it is a bit easier to "say" all of this online as opposed to IRL. No apologies needed, and the keyboard doen't mind the tears, nor smile sadly, expectantly back at me.


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

I really do know that dh is the man for me, we are soul mates. I do try to keep some perspective---he didn't go through this (physically)---I think men (typically) look at early pregnancy differently than women do (it is not as real for them)---I (as a woman) had no real idea what this felt like before now, if I couldn't REALLY be there for another woman, how the heck can I expect him to be there for me?!?! I think it scares him to see me like this too. My former normal was pretty level, not prone to ups and downs. My normal now is all over the place, some days I am amazed I can even get out of bed! As much as I am not "taking off the mask" for dh...he has been with me for a long time, he really does know who I am. I would be fooling myself to believe he buys the "I'm okay" that I try to present. (he really isn't a bad guy, he just said some silly things at the wrong time)

You are right when you say " it is hard for others to know how to approach me" (us). I believe the true friends will stick around while we sort ourselves out. We all will get there eventually. Our new selves may be a little different, but that is life. You never know what is around the corner, or why things happen. I believe that everything really does happen for a reason, even the sad/bad stuff. We may not know why, it may be so we can be there for someone else. I don't think we are ever "given" more than we can handle. (even when it seems like we couldn't possibly make it another moment)

I wonder if they make water resistant keyboards...


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

I don't know how either of you work with children and babies. I have to avert my eyes when kids are around--it used to just be babies, but now any age of child makes me yearn.

Our husbands have a real burden here, not knowing what to do with their grief stricken, hormone laden wives. This is definitely the 'worse' in 'for better or for worse'. Micheline, maybe for your DH, he was trying to say he is scared to ttc, or doesn't want to go through this particular experience ever again, and it came out wrong? My own DH has said he never wants to have sex again, when I'm pretty sure that's not what he actually meant. The men need to 'practice' getting their feelings out like we do here, then maybe they could voice their feelings more accurately! Not that I would EVER say any of this out loud...

And I feel a disconnect with virtually everyone in my life now. Small talk is so much effort, when all of the truly important things remain unspoken.

The mood swings do subside, in my experience. I was afraid for a while that the hormonal psychosis was settling in long term, but thankfully it did lift. It is easier to manage the grief without the vile temper and sobbing fits. I could barely stand myself for several weeks. Now I can tolerate myself most of the time.

This is definitely more real and raw than any of my friendships IRL. No one there knows the depth of this. But you all do, and you understand. That is priceless.

"Hope" is the the thing with feathers--
That perches in the soul--
And sings the tune without the words--
And never stops--at all--

I cling to that little bit of Emily Dickinson, I hope she touches your heart a bit too.

Hoping each day is easier for you to face.

Keri


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

For most of my reproductive life, I have said I was "born to have babies". There has always been a real strong draw there for me. It probably started when "my" first was born, I was 4 years old, she came from my Mother's womb, but she was MINE! That is a whole other story, not for this forum...my sister does refer to me as her "other mother".

It is definately not easy at the moment, some days are ok, others are down right awful. At times I think some kind of anti-depressant would be a great idea, but I think that would just trick my brain into delaying the whole grief process. I can do that well enough on my own by filling every spare moment with things to do.

My dh is 49, he truly does not want to ttc again. His age and of course money are the issues. I do understand the age issue, I am not sure I would want to be having a baby at 50. (ask me in 14 years and I will let you know for sure) Who ever has "enough" money? and how much exactly is enough? This is part of what I need to process as well as the loss. It just makes it so permanent.

Quote:

*Hoping each day is easier for you to face*.










May the ones we love have the strength, understanding, patience and love to wait for us to finish our grieving and find peace.
We will get to that place...eventually.


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