# My child doesn't like praise



## momhugs (May 4, 2008)

When we privately praise our 5 year old she responds by saying stop, I don't want to hear it, or covering up her ears and going EEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Is this normal?


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## mags (May 4, 2004)

It looks (by the smiley) to be that you are happy about this. It depends. Some ppl do not take praise well. I am one of those ppl. I had (and still have) very critical parents and whenever ppl praise me, I feel very uncomfortable and don't know what to say. My kids seem to do well with praise. I praise them, and try not to go overboard, but I do it b/c I never got any praise and it really killed my self esteem. I think that it's difficult to tell what is, "normal" since kids can vary in this dept. I would say that most 5 yr olds like being praised in general.


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## momhugs (May 4, 2008)

Thanks for the reply. I've no idea how that icon got on, and was shocked to see it there. Of course I'm not happy that DD most of the time won't accept praise from us, and was wondering if that seems normal for some kids. However, she has given me or to others compliments, so I know she understands what it is.


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## mags (May 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momhugs* 
Thanks for the reply. I've no idea how that icon got on, and was shocked to see it there. Of course I'm not happy that DD most of the time won't accept praise from us, and was wondering if that seems normal for some kids. However, she has given me or to others compliments, so I know she understands what it is.

Lol, ok. I thought the icon was a little bit weird, but it sounds like it got there by accident. I did not even know you could put icons in titles myself. Maybe she gets embarrassed easily and doesn't like the extra attn? Have you asked her why she wants you to stop it when you give her praise?


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## jewelsJZ (Jan 10, 2008)

My 4 year old is kind of like this. He looks obviously embarrassed and uncomfortable when we praise him. One suggestion I was given was to give him more of a commentary, rather than direct praise. For example, when he cleans something up without being asked, we say, "You saw that those puzzle pieces were scattered all over the floor and you picked each one up and put them in the box. Then you put the box on the shelf right where it belongs! You took charge of the situation."
For some reason, he finds this easier to take then, "Mommy is so proud of you, cleaning up on your own, you are such a great kid!"
We still use the same smiles and excited tone of voice with the commentary.
The other thing we do is talk to others about him and purposely let him hear. Like I'll be on the phone with Grandma and he is within ear shot and I tell her what a great kid he is because he helped his baby sister put her shoes on or whatever. Then when I get off the phone he will sometimes ask if I can also call Daddy at work or his other Grandma and tell her how he helped baby sister.
Hope that helps.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

I think there are some books you might be interested in - have you looked at Alfie Kohn, Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting?

It's kind of unsurprising to me that someone might be uncomfortable with external praise, since we all have an internal compass that drives us to improve.

I think it's very unusual in our society, but good unusual, not bad.

Instead of praising, have you asked her about her activity? Or how she feels?

Here is an example:
Kid shows you a picture. Instead of saying "That's beautiful" or "I love it," you say something neutral like - Tell me about your picture. This opens a bigger dialog for them to tell you about the colors, the lines, textures, etc. Because what kid really wants is your attention, not necessarily your praise.
You might also open some dialog about how the kid feels about the picture - what they will do next, what they are working on etc.

There is a whole school of thought going on that we have created "praise junkies" and that praising children (over much) can interfere with their own internal compass and drive to succeed. It sounds like your DD might be trying to tell you something and it's worth listening to. Is she perhaps asking for space to make her own judgements?


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## pumpkinmom2 (Apr 29, 2008)

we definetley over praised our son, and he gets shy about it also sometimes mostley around other people. he is a perfectionist now, some a natural trait and (i feel) some we contributed to by OVER PRAISING. even though i try to watch myself more now i still seem to do it. i would like to change my ways like the other posters said to do and stop the great job looks good thats nice, but it is hard to break a habit. I will keep trying, maybe it will be easier for you to change your praising ways.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

I agree that you might want to take a look at the value or lack thereof of unspecific praise. Here's one of Alfie Kohn's articles on saying "good job":
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

It can be a hard habit to break for some people and I do think some kids respond better to some praise than others, but overall I'm more in Alfie's camp. I don't dole out the "good jobs" and when I do praise I try to talk about the specifics or ask questions.

All that said, the OP's DD may be the sort of person who feels self conscious easily. My dd1 has never liked too much attention unless she's asking for it. For example, as a 2 year old she would ward approaching well-meaning people off in the grocery store with a "I'm not a pretty girl"







before they even said anything. However, she loves to perform and loves accolades and applause and effusive praise for her dancing, etc. It needs to be something that she expects a response to like a performance, though, rather than just being herself and it needs to be something that she feels good about and basically wants you to agree with. She doesn't want praise for struggling with a hard word while reading. If I say, "you did great reading" she will say, "I did not!" I think because she knows it was a struggle and wasn't effortless. If I were to say something about the effort she made maybe that would go over better.

"Thanks" can be a good thing to say, instead of "good job". If she cleans up her toys, "Thanks for cleaning up. I love it when the floor looks clean like this. How 'bout you?" or if she brings you a drawing she's done, "Thanks! Wow, what have you got going on here? A kitten and a flower? What's the kitty doing? I really like the red bow." If she's really nice to someone and you want to catch her in the act, "Hey, DD, look at Susie's big smile! I think she's really happy you shared your toy."

hth

ETA: Here are a few more articles...

http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/pbracwak.htm
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpag...pagewanted=all
http://mommylife.net/archives/2008/0...ng_childr.html


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ellien C* 
I think there are some books you might be interested in - have you looked at Alfie Kohn, Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting?

It's kind of unsurprising to me that someone might be uncomfortable with external praise, since we all have an internal compass that drives us to improve.

I think it's very unusual in our society, but good unusual, not bad.

Instead of praising, have you asked her about her activity? Or how she feels?

Here is an example:
Kid shows you a picture. Instead of saying "That's beautiful" or "I love it," you say something neutral like - Tell me about your picture. This opens a bigger dialog for them to tell you about the colors, the lines, textures, etc. Because what kid really wants is your attention, not necessarily your praise.
You might also open some dialog about how the kid feels about the picture - what they will do next, what they are working on etc.

There is a whole school of thought going on that we have created "praise junkies" and that praising children (over much) can interfere with their own internal compass and drive to succeed. It sounds like your DD might be trying to tell you something and it's worth listening to. Is she perhaps asking for space to make her own judgements?









:

Some kids feel like its a judgement of them, even if its a "positive judgement" it stills feels like control. DD is like this, at 3.5. Its hard and sometimes "good work" comes out of my mouth, in which case she usually stops what she's doing. Maybe it feels like pressure to keep doing it. Anyways, not liking praise is a good thing, I think!


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