# Delivering a stillborn baby at home?



## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

I am wondering if any of the mothers of stillborn babies were planning homebirths? We were planning a homebirth, and when the midwives arrived they couldn't find Kevin's heartbeat. We went to the hospital for an ultrasound, which confirmed that our baby had died. My labor had slowed down quite a bit, so we went back home to decide what to do. I went back to the hospital that night, only because when I prayed the answer was so strong that I needed to be in the hospital.

Later I learned several things that I wish my midwives had told me when we were trying to decide what to do. Apparently when a baby dies at home, the coroner's office has to be contacted, and they come out and treat it as a crime scene? I also have heard that when the baby's hormones are missing, sometimes the placenta won't detach on its own? Also that the labor is much longer because the baby's hormones are missing? My midwives also didn't understand how drastically my motivation for staying drug-free was reduced, knowing my baby had already died. One in particular kept trying to get me to follow the Hypnobirthing method she had taught, but that was all about visualizing my baby, which really didn't work for me any more. And I was so angry and upset, that yelling through a lot of the contractions was actually what I needed to do. Something else that I think was important to consider is that the hospital was set up to handle a dead baby (i.e., keeping him in the morgue so we could see him again before we left.) I realize I'm rambling, I guess my question is what others know about these different factors, and shouldn't midwives be informed enough that they can counsel their clients about the pros and cons of delivering a baby who's died either at home or in the hospital? I realize for some parents home would still be the best place. For us, it turned out that Kevin was in such bad shape, that I believe the c-section was necessary so we could hold him. I was also so grateful to be in a place where they knew what to do to take care of him, about the death certificate, they had a social worker help us with funeral arrangements, they protected our privacy.

I guess I'm starting to try and sort through the whole experience, and I'm very angry with my midwives, both for the poor prenatal care I received, and for their inability to admit they were out of their element once we discovered Kevin had died. They apparently had never dealt with this situation, and were not familiar with the factors we needed to consider.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Or is anyone familiar with the effects of a stillborn baby on labor?


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I am not certain I would recommend birthing a stillborn baby at home. The risks for infection are much higher and the mother may need to be monitored a little more than a homebirth would allow.

It is harder on the mother as the baby can't manuever it's way through the birth canal. The work is all on the mom's shoulders.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

I am so sorry that your experience was worse then it had to be. Yes, your midwives should have been better prepared. Infant loss and stillbirth are things that most people would rather pretend did'nt happen, or that it only happens to 'other people'. I don't think your midwives dropped the ball on purpose, I think they just were'nt prepared themselves for a loss... let alone the best way to help you through it.

I also want to clarify that while I did give birth to my daughter without drugs, she died during the 10 minutes I took to push her out. We had just gotten FHT before I started. I knew she was in trouble and pushed as hard as I could. I had *no idea* that she was gone. If I did know she had died, there is no way that I could have done what I did. Had I known, I definitely would have wanted drugs, and probably a c-section. For me, I think the natural birth made the loss harder on me, just because my chemistry was all ready to bond with my little one... I physically ached from missing my baby. Sometimes I still do.

I don't think your midwife was thinking straight when she was asking you to visualize Kevin, I would think that this would have only made your work harder knowing he would not be able to stay with you. If you wanted drugs, they should have honored that. The 'theory' goes that it's better for a mother's emotional recovery to not be medicated when delivering a stillbirth, but I would love to hear other women's thoughts on that. I myself would need all the help I could get.

I guess I can't answer your original question as we had been planning a hospital birth. However, there were many things that could have been different and thus would have been better for us. My team also let us down. But I think people would just rather not think about the worst that can happen (as if being prepared will bring on a worst case scenario) then acknowledge the possibility and be ready for the unthinkable.

XM


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## MamaOui (Aug 9, 2002)

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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Katherin - thank you for sharing more of Kevin. I can feel the love and anguish in your heart.

Searching for answers is a normal part of greiving. You need to look at things from all angles so that you can accept what has happened.

I planned a hospital birth because I had some risk factors. If I had been in active labor when I found out my baby was gone, I would have just gone with it. I was furious when I found out I had to be induced and deliver her. My hospital was WONDERFUL. The nurses who cared for me were 2 of the most amazing women I've ever met.

You did what your heart told you was write and that was the right choice for Kevin.

I've never known anyone who's delivered a stillborn baby at home, buy I'm sure it's happend. I think what's most important is that you follow your heart and instincts.

I've never heard of problums with the placenta delivering. My stillbirth was very much the same as my other births. She was breach and came out very easily.

A local midwife I know has delivered stillborns and helped women through miscarriage. She's very well trained and prepaired to handle these things. It's not something we'd 'normally' ask a midwife when interviewing them. I'm sorry they were not better prepaired to deal with your loss.

I wish I had more information for you. Please know, you did the right thing and you were given the opportunity to say your goodby's to Kevin.

Gently with love,

Jacque


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## lamplighter (Nov 20, 2001)

katherineinca

i am so sorry for your loss. please know that here you have a shoulder to cry on, should you need one.

((((hugs)))) to you. please take care of yourself.

peace to you,

beth


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## Kaya's Mama (Jan 13, 2002)

(((( KATHERINE))))

Sending you healing light


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Katherine...
I am so sorry about your sweet baby. My heart goes out to you and your family. How sad that you didnt get what you needed from your birth attendants.

My hope is that you will begin to process this and grieve for your son in a pure way....

God Bless..
Lisa


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