# play date with sick kid



## GAjenn (Jan 28, 2009)

We were invited to play only to find after being there for 10 minutes that her kid has a cold. Do I have a right to be angry about this? I did not hide my feelings well. We seperated the kids, mine is only 8 months so no big deal. I eventully left. It just seems like she should have rescheduled and my DD would not have a cold!


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

I always let parents know if my kid has a cold or cough but usually the moms come anyway.
If the kids have a fever or really bad coughing I would keep mine home.
Yes I think she should have told you so you could have the option of choosing whether you wanted to expose your kid or not.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

She should of called and let you decide to come over or not. I always give a heads up to other parents and I'm not offended at all if they don't want to be exposed to something then, I expect the same in return.


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## momtokea (Oct 27, 2005)

I would be livid







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## ElaynesMom (May 24, 2008)

I'd be annoyed that she didn't mention it at all before you came over, but I know some people don't think it's a big deal unfortunately.

If this happens to you again you could maybe just say, "sorry, but I really try to avoid exposing dd to illness, so maybe we could reschedule. In the future could you maybe give me a heads up if your lo is sick? I'd really appreciate it" and then go home if you don't want to stick around.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtokea* 
I would be livid







:

I would have been ,too.


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## Alison's Mom (May 3, 2007)

I always tell parents in advance and expect the same of others. I do get annoyed when we show up and then find out the kid is sick. I figure it's common courtesy to notify parents of illnesses ahead of time.

Some people are very casual about illnesses, figuring that kids, especially those in school or daycare, are always sick with _something_ pretty much through the winter. . .


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## Amberoxy (Dec 20, 2007)

I guess I am in the minority but it wouldn't have really bothered me. From what I understand, when a child gets a cold a lot of times they are contagious before they even show signs of the cold. So, I always just assume that if I am bringing Sam to play with other kids, he may catch a cold. Sam does not seem to mind having colds and they are good for his immune system.

That being said, I do tell others who may come into contact with Sam if he has a cold - just because I know that not every parent feels the way I do. Maybe the other mom had not learned this courtesy yet and will now do better in the future...I don't know if she was a new mom? Things that seem like common sense to some simply don't occur to others. I've always been a loner but now that I have Sam, I am trying to make an effort to be with people more so that he ends up with better social skills than I have. I do find myself making a lot of social mistakes from lack of experience but it is getting better.


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

I'd be mad, esp b/c your LO is so young--baby colds are the worst! A lot of people seem clueless about this, I don't know whether they genuinely don't think it's a big deal, or b/c they need/want to do something.

I would say 1/2 of my usually very considerate SAHM friends will take their sick LO's out. How many times have I heard, "It's just allergies" or "S/he's not contagious, it's just a runny nose" , only to have my kids come down w/ something the next week.














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## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amberoxy* 
I guess I am in the minority but it wouldn't have really bothered me. From what I understand, when a child gets a cold a lot of times they are contagious before they even show signs of the cold. So, I always just assume that if I am bringing Sam to play with other kids, he may catch a cold. Sam does not seem to mind having colds and they are good for his immune system.

That being said, I do tell others who may come into contact with Sam if he has a cold - just because I know that not every parent feels the way I do. Maybe the other mom had not learned this courtesy yet and will now do better in the future...I don't know if she was a new mom? Things that seem like common sense to some simply don't occur to others. I've always been a loner but now that I have Sam, I am trying to make an effort to be with people more so that he ends up with better social skills than I have. I do find myself making a lot of social mistakes from lack of experience but it is getting better.

I do like this. I tell the parent if my kid has something, but I'm not very bothered by kids with little colds & coughs. If I kept me kids away from anyoen with a cold we wouldn't leave the house the whole winter!


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I would not be angry unless she (a) flat out lied about her child being sick when you directly asked or (b) you had spoken with her before about telling you if her child has a cold (c) you have an immunocompromised child.

I think it is great to remember to tell people if your kids have colds so they can decide to expose their children or not. However, I also think if you are so concerned about colds that you would be livid then I feel you should make it a habit to ask if anyone in their house has a cold.

I'm not particularly stressed out about it. My dd is very healthy and has a strong immune system. Going out in public means being exposed to other's germs. Sometimes you know and sometimes you don't.


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## riaketty (Jul 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amberoxy* 
I guess I am in the minority but it wouldn't have really bothered me. From what I understand, when a child gets a cold a lot of times they are contagious before they even show signs of the cold. So, I always just assume that if I am bringing Sam to play with other kids, he may catch a cold. Sam does not seem to mind having colds and they are good for his immune system.

That being said, I do tell others who may come into contact with Sam if he has a cold - just because I know that not every parent feels the way I do. Maybe the other mom had not learned this courtesy yet and will now do better in the future...I don't know if she was a new mom? Things that seem like common sense to some simply don't occur to others. I've always been a loner but now that I have Sam, I am trying to make an effort to be with people more so that he ends up with better social skills than I have. I do find myself making a lot of social mistakes from lack of experience but it is getting better.

This. I welcome kids who have low-grade illnesses. It strenghens DDs immune system. I do up the vit C and probiotic dose for that week so she gets exposed, but not swamped with it.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amberoxy* 
From what I understand, when a child gets a cold a lot of times they are contagious before they even show signs of the cold. So, I always just assume that if I am bringing Sam to play with other kids, he may catch a cold.

That being said, I do tell others who may come into contact with Sam if he has a cold - just because I know that not every parent feels the way I do.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *RachelEve14* 
I tell the parent if my kid has something, but I'm not very bothered by kids with little colds & coughs. If I kept me kids away from anyoen with a cold we wouldn't leave the house the whole winter!


Quote:


Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat* 
I would not be angry unless she (a) flat out lied about her child being sick when you directly asked or (b) you had spoken with her before about telling you if her child has a cold (c) you have an immunocompromised child.

I think it is great to remember to tell people if your kids have colds so they can decide to expose their children or not. However, I also think if you are so concerned about colds that you would be livid then I feel you should make it a habit to ask if anyone in their house has a cold.

I'm not particularly stressed out about it. My dd is very healthy and has a strong immune system. Going out in public means being exposed to other's germs. Sometimes you know and sometimes you don't.

ditto this.

we participate in a weekly group...if all of us kept our kid home when they had a cold, we would never get together. we do stay home if there is fever or lots of mucus, or bad coughs (and others typically do the same) but this winter it seems like there isnt a week that goes by that someone doesnt have a cold.

if this is a group that you attend often (or plan to) i would simply contact the mom and ask what the "sick policy" is...when are kids allowed/not allowed (in our group it seems to be when someone has a fever, lots of mucous, or coughing uncontrollably...that of course is not official! lol!).


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## bellydance2290 (Dec 22, 2006)

This actually happened to me about a month ago - I went to the first play group after joining a new group. The hosts daughter was sick. 3 days later *I* had one of the worst colds I have had in a long time. Luckily my BM saved my 8 mth old DD from getting sick. I was very mad and have not actually gone back to a play group for fear of getting sick again! I think Moms should atleast give you the option and let you decide. I plan on waiting until the weather is better and there aren't so many colds going around.


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## Brisen (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat* 
I would not be angry unless she (a) flat out lied about her child being sick when you directly asked or (b) you had spoken with her before about telling you if her child has a cold (c) you have an immunocompromised child.

I think it is great to remember to tell people if your kids have colds so they can decide to expose their children or not. However, I also think if you are so concerned about colds that you would be livid then I feel you should make it a habit to ask if anyone in their house has a cold.

I'm not particularly stressed out about it. My dd is very healthy and has a strong immune system. *Going out in public means being exposed to other's germs. Sometimes you know and sometimes you don't*.









: Especially the part I bolded. If you really want to avoid germs and colds, it's your responsibility.

I can see being mildly annoyed, especially if you have canceled plans in the past or given them a heads up when your LO was sick, but being angry? Unreasonable. 8 months is old enough that, unless there are other health issues, a cold isn't dangerous or threatening. When my babies are small enough that it is, I'm in charge of protecting them from germs.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

I give a heads up, but I wouldn't turn down a playdate over a cold. A sniffle or cough just aren't a big enough deal to warrant staying home all the time.

Next time, just ask if you don't want to bring your child around someone who is sick.


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## 3*is*magic (Sep 13, 2007)

For me it depends on how you define a "cold." A kid who is in good spirits with a runny nose and intermittent cough is no big deal to me. An unhappy, feverish kid with thick green mucus and a wet cough is not cool.

If the other child's symptoms were so mild that they weren't noticeable or obvious, I would not have been upset or left the playdate.

Just my .02.


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3*is*magic* 
For me it depends on how you define a "cold." A kid who is in good spirits with a runny nose and intermittent cough is no big deal to me. An unhappy, feverish kid with thick green mucus and a wet cough is not cool.

If the other child's symptoms were so mild that they weren't noticeable or obvious, I would not have been upset or left the playdate.

Just my .02.

A big yes to this. As other posters have said, if we stayed home every time someone had mild sniffles, we'd never go anywhere all winter. I always give people coming to our home a head's up if the littles are sick, but my general rule is to not worry about something that my older kids would be allowed to go to school with.


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## Tizzy (Mar 16, 2007)

repeat - sorry!


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## Tizzy (Mar 16, 2007)

It's not like they intentionally infected your child...
FWIW I felt terrible when my kids had the tail end of a cold, had clear runny noses but otherwise seemed fine. I invited some people over and was watching a couple kids for a friend and within 1/2hr that runny nose went crazy and he started snarfing all over everyone. AND one of my friends kids went home and vomited. So not only did we spread a cold around, but also a stomach bug.

Had I known any of this was going to happen, I wouldn't have invited everyone over. But that's the way it goes. You can't protect your kids from everything and it is normal to get sick now and then...even though it really really sucks.


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## NicaG (Jun 16, 2006)

I've known my friends long enough that I trust their judgment. If they tell me their kids are well enough to play, I trust them. We usually check in on the morning of a playdate, and we tell each other if the kids have colds, and usually we go ahead with the playdate. If it's obvious that the kids are just coming down with something, or are feverish or vomiting, we cancel. Yesterday we had a playdate, and my friend didn't tell me that her older son was acting a little funny....we got there, and it started to seem like maybe he was getting sick, so we left, and it turns out he has strep, so my kids were exposed. But I'm not at all angry--my friend was using her best judgment, and these things happen.

I think my attitude about this has changed a lot with my second child. I was more protective of my first ds when he was a baby. Now he's in preschool and has colds and runny noses all winter, and I can't exactly keep him away from the baby all the time. And if we cancelled every playdate because of runny noses, we wouldn't see our friends all winter. Our baby dd comes along to playdates, and so far she's only had one small cold. I can't prevent every illness, so I'm not going to try, other than by practicing normal hygiene, especially hand washing.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

It wouldn't bother me at all.


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## delicious (Jun 16, 2003)

a lot of people think its no big deal. i always give a heads up and let the other person decide. but honestly, if you want to like, live in the world, with other humans around, you are going to get colds.

i hate it because i have asthma and even the teeniest cold leaves me coughing this horrible cough for weeks. and 2/3 of my kids seem to have inherited my crummy lungs. and i get no sleep when the baby is sick.

i would definitely rather see friends, though.


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

Seriously? It's just a cold. Most kids over the age of 1.5 or so wouldn't leave the house if they had to stay home every time they caught a cold. I don't like getting colds any better than the next kid, but it's not like their kid has polio or something and didn't tell you.


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## snapper mamma (May 22, 2005)

Wouldn't bother me at all either. These days my friends only call each other/cancel if there is a fever or GI stuff involved.


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## Joyster (Oct 26, 2007)

I think I'd start crying...seriously. My kids, hubby, me were sick for most of January and some of February. I can't even bear the thought of another cold right now. Anyhow, using that as my explanation, I'd pack up and take my little one home and plunk him down in the tub, start pumping everyone with some vitamin C, turn on the humidifiers and pray.

Normally, I wouldn't be happy, and think a call should have been made, but it wouldn't be something that bothered me for a long time either. Kids get colds. Right now my friends know what I've been through so they're treating me with "Crazy mom kid gloves." right now when it comes to illness. *g*


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

Like another poster said, if it was just the sniffles but the child was in good spirits, it wouldn't bother me in the least. My DS was sick for about 12 weeks straight this winter with runny nose and cough and he still went to school and had playdates.

I think colds are kind of a given in the winter and you would almost have to be locked up in your house with no outside contact at all to avoid them.


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

No it wouldn't bother me. In fact that is often MY kid. I figure kids get colds. As long as they are not miserable we go on with our day.

And besides if you went to the park, or library, or grocery store, how do you know there aren't sick kids there?


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tbone_kneegrabber* 
No it wouldn't bother me. In fact that is often MY kid. I figure kids get colds. As long as they are not miserable we go on with our day.

And besides if you went to the park, or library, or grocery store, how do you know there aren't sick kids there?

IMO those places are fair game but a private playdate at a house is different.







I used to never care about sniffles or a little cold, I would still warn other parents, and they would do the same, almost always we'd still get together anyway. It was just courtesy, maybe the parent has a huge trip planned and is really trying to minimize the amount of germs their child is exposed to before leaving, etc...

Then I had a child with respiratory issues that is chronically ill, a cold can be a big deal. Back when it could of killed her then we didn't go out at all, I couldn't take the risk of going to the grocery store and her catching something. Her second winter we went out more but left at any sign of a visibly ill child, a runny nose may not be a big deal in most children, but it could of set us back weeks/months. I don't consider that anyone else's responsibility but my own to keep her away from sick children. All of our friends were respectful to begin with, but I asked them to be extra careful, if anyone in their family was ill then I needed to know about it and we'd stay away. This is our 3rd winter now with DD2 and I'm still careful, I'm hoping this will be our first winter without needing to put her on O2 or use nebs, etc... I guess what I'm saying is that I know the risk when we go to public places, but when it's just a couple friends getting together then the rules are slightly different or at least I think so.


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## SunShineSally (Jan 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GAjenn* 
We were invited to play only to find after being there for 10 minutes that her kid has a cold. Do I have a right to be angry about this? I did not hide my feelings well. We seperated the kids, mine is only 8 months so no big deal. I eventully left. It just seems like she should have rescheduled and my DD would not have a cold!


It is rude! My Ds had a play date yesterday actually and I called the mother to let her know that he has a cough and I am not sure if it fom the dryness in the house or a cold and it was up to her if she wanted to come by. She was going to still come by for a little bit but she had a friend that was in need unexpectedly so she ended up not comeing over and I would have called her to tell her not to come by anyway as Ds's cough got even worse







my point is she should have had enough respect for you and let you know before hand! I normally do not care about colds but I just would care about the respect part. Also Ds and I have been sick all winter long I think it is because he just started Pre-K and I have had the flu about 5 times and Ds who never got sick had it 3 so I think I am a little more "crazy" than normal and am avoiding germs to the point I wipe the carts down at the grocery stores now


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## Ks Mama (Aug 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GAjenn* 
We were invited to play only to find after being there for 10 minutes that her kid has a cold. Do I have a right to be angry about this? I did not hide my feelings well. We seperated the kids, mine is only 8 months so no big deal. I eventully left. It just seems like she should have rescheduled and my DD would not have a cold!

Eh... a cold? Around here, a cold is no big deal. We all get exposed to just as many germs at the grocery store, my childrens' school, my office. When you have multiple children, there's always a "cold" going around in the winter, and you just play/work through it.









Now, if the child were vomiting or visibly ill... then sure, I'd be concerned. But moreso as to why the mom wanted her kid to play rather than recouperate, than being offended that she didn't tell me.

Maybe from now on you should just tell her you're concerned about your exposure to germs, and ask if her child has a cold before you head over?


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amberoxy* 
I guess I am in the minority but it wouldn't have really bothered me. From what I understand, when a child gets a cold a lot of times they are contagious before they even show signs of the cold. So, I always just assume that if I am bringing Sam to play with other kids, he may catch a cold. Sam does not seem to mind having colds and they are good for his immune system.

That being said, I do tell others who may come into contact with Sam if he has a cold - just because I know that not every parent feels the way I do. Maybe the other mom had not learned this courtesy yet and will now do better in the future...I don't know if she was a new mom? Things that seem like common sense to some simply don't occur to others. I've always been a loner but now that I have Sam, I am trying to make an effort to be with people more so that he ends up with better social skills than I have. I do find myself making a lot of social mistakes from lack of experience but it is getting better.










exactly what I was going to write...


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## teale (Feb 20, 2009)

I would have been ticked off too. If my son is sick, we cancel our playdates. It's an unspoken rule, no?


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## honeybee (Mar 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amberoxy* 
I guess I am in the minority but it wouldn't have really bothered me. From what I understand, when a child gets a cold a lot of times they are contagious before they even show signs of the cold. So, I always just assume that if I am bringing Sam to play with other kids, he may catch a cold. Sam does not seem to mind having colds and they are good for his immune system.

That being said, I do tell others who may come into contact with Sam if he has a cold - just because I know that not every parent feels the way I do. Maybe the other mom had not learned this courtesy yet and will now do better in the future...I don't know if she was a new mom? Things that seem like common sense to some simply don't occur to others. I've always been a loner but now that I have Sam, I am trying to make an effort to be with people more so that he ends up with better social skills than I have. I do find myself making a lot of social mistakes from lack of experience but it is getting better.









: I do try to let people know because there are a lot of germaphobes out there, and I want to keep my friends, but if we never went somewhere any time one of my kids has a little cough or sniffle, we would NEVER go out. If the kids are sick we stay home, but coughs can linger long after a child is feeling better and on the road to recovery.


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## Everrgreen (Feb 27, 2007)

When DS was one week old we invited our nephews over to meet him. When they arrived we realized one of them was sick and coughing everywhere (and only sometimes covering his mouth). I was so annoyed!! I completely understand why you'd be PO'd!


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## GAjenn (Jan 28, 2009)

This is my first child and when she gets a cold she doesn't sleep or nurse well. We struggle with the nasal aspirator. I lose a lot of sleep holding her so she can sleep sitting up. So I am surprised at how many posts say a cold is no big deal. The last cold moved through my house and to my parents as well. To me, if it can be avoided it should.

This is a new friend and I really like her. I like the way she is raising her family and how her kids play with my baby. I called her today and had an honest discussion. Maybe when you have three kids you start to relax a little more than you do with your first. Her daughter was touching mine on the face and my daughter was putting her toys in her mouth. I would not have allowed all of that if she had let me know. I will defiantly ask next time we are going to a new environment.

By the way, I would NEVER knowingly take my sick child out to infect other children. It is good for her to rest and recuperate; it is common courtesy to not spread sickness. With that being said, it is just a cold and my prayers are with families who are coping with much worse.


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## o'smom (Nov 20, 2001)

I also agree that a minor cold is really no big deal, but it is common courtesy to let others know so they can make the choice themselves. I always have given a "heads-up" to my friends, as they have done with me. And it's rarely a problem for anyone unless they've got plans coming up or have recently gotten over something themselves. You never know what plans people may have that a cold could interfere with, so they should have the choice to try to avoid catching one. And I say "try" because I know you can catch a cold anytime from anywhere. But, for example, I once declined a get together with friends who had minor colds because the following week we were going to visit my dad who had cancer and was undergoing chemo -- I didn't want to take the chance that we would get sick and have to cancel that visit.


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## Carma (Feb 10, 2006)

I think most people do not consider a cold worth mentioning. My kids go to daycare, and they can come there with a cold. I go to work with a (mild) cold. I expect catching colds when I am with other people. However in the case of a baby or a child with asthma etc. I would mention if my kids have a cold. Also if it is a very bad cold with fever, very runny nose etc., I would be more careful.

Carma


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Unless there was green snot or a fever or something like that, I wouldn't care. That's life in the winter in a cold climate.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

if i was the mom of a 8 month old i would be LIVID.

as the mom of a 6 year old i would not be.

and if her child is older then i would not be angry even more. i really really try to warn people about my dd having a cold. but today its sooo not a big deal that i forget. but i try to stay on top of it and try to remember to tell other parents no matter what the kids ages. and yes they still come.

i always, always cancel if it is bad.

but i was also a parent who didnt mind my dd being sick. the places i AVOIDED was the doctors office. because everytime we went there my dd caught something. except for wellbaby we never went to the doctors office unless we had to.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

My close friends and I tend to be pretty lax about colds, but just because I'm fine with it doesn't mean I should assume that everyone is -- I like to let the other parents make the decision for themselves, it just seems like the courteous thing to do.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
if i was the mom of a 8 month old i would be LIVID.

as the mom of a 6 year old i would not be.

I also have a baby. My siggie is out of date. I still don't think it's a big deal. My baby has been exposed to plenty of colds right here at home. Don't let the kid with the cold physically handle the baby and get on with things, IMO.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GAjenn* 
This is my first child and when she gets a cold she doesn't sleep or nurse well. We struggle with the nasal aspirator. I lose a lot of sleep holding her so she can sleep sitting up. So I am surprised at how many posts say a cold is no big deal. The last cold moved through my house and to my parents as well. To me, if it can be avoided it should.

By the way, I would NEVER knowingly take my sick child out to infect other children. It is good for her to rest and recuperate; it is common courtesy to not spread sickness. With that being said, it is just a cold and my prayers are with families who are coping with much worse.

you may want to check out the health and healing (?) forum for ideas on how to boost your (and your baby's) immune system. nasal aspirators are pretty dreadful things that i have been able to avoid due to doing things such as squirting bm in their noses and increasing my (and theirs via bf'ing) immune systems.

i can see how some of us who have multiple kids saying its no biggy can come across as well...uncaring...to a first time mom...but from my perspective, its simply that i have learned that its going to happen regardless (as someone mentioned, grocery stores, etc. etc.)....and keeping kids insteide during teh winter is just not practical (my 3 yo would be INSANE if i kept him in...and he has a now 4 month old brother).

your statement that you would never knowingly take your kid to infect another...well, anytime you take your dd out and about with others, there is a chance of infection. i dont think anyone here is saying we take our sick kids out to infect anyone..its just that you do not know when they are contagious...so we (those of us in the "no biggy" camp) do our best to keep sick kids home but figure that if they simply have a mild cough or a slight runny nose, they are *probably* not contagious...but there is no guarantee in my neck of the woods (NH) most of the winter...something is always going around.

as far as common courtesy not to spread infection? i would actually prefer for my kids to get these minor illnesses and build their immune systems than to be illness free and then be hit with something big (like whooping cough or measles, etc. etc.) that their small bodies cant handle. we dont vaccinate either so i try to ensure that their immune systems are as strong as possible..fighting off these small infections is one way to build their immune systems.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

It wouldn't have bothered me. I don't think I ever thought of warning people when ds1 was little. Since coming across so many mentions of it here at MDC, I've become aware that many parents prefer to know, so I do give moms a heads-up now. I just had no idea anybody cared when ds1 was little, because I didn't know anybody who even thought about it.

ETA: After reading the rest of the thread, it occurs to me to mention that I also have no problem with my children catching a cold, even as babies. I think it's a good workout for their immune system, and ultimately beneficial...even if the lack of sleep while they're sick really sucks. I also WOH until ds1 was 10, and I probably brought home as many bugs to him as he brought home to me, and just considered it part of life.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

Quote:

I would not be angry unless she (a) flat out lied about her child being sick when you directly asked or (b) you had spoken with her before about telling you if her child has a cold (c) you have an immunocompromised child.

I think it is great to remember to tell people if your kids have colds so they can decide to expose their children or not. However, I also think if you are so concerned about colds that you would be livid then I feel you should make it a habit to ask if anyone in their house has a cold.

I'm not particularly stressed out about it. My dd is very healthy and has a strong immune system. Going out in public means being exposed to other's germs. Sometimes you know and sometimes you don't.
Yeah that. If the kid looks like he's feeling good, even with a runny nose or cough, I really don't care. And my oldest had asthma so a cold to him was not pleasant.

There are germs everywhere. We've spread stuff by going places before they even showed signs of being sick. It happens. Yes, she could have called and let you know, but she may not have known you'd be so worried and I'm sure she wouldn't have guessed how many people would be livid over it.


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## jmmom (Sep 11, 2007)

I have to say that I agree with the op that colds can affect different children differently, not because (in our case, at least) they don't have good immune systems - we do - but because we're all of us bad sleepers, and colds make that a zillion times worse. I know that eventually your child is going to catch something, and especially once you have more than 1 child, but honestly, with just one right now, I avoid situations like going to the home of a child with a cold, and I get pretty upset if other parents aren't as respectful. I understand that some people don't care about colds, but that might be because they handle them better - and I think it is really just common courtesy to give another parent fair warning if your child is sick.
It's my understanding and experience that kids are contagious in the first few days of symptoms. We got one of the worst colds ever from a friend's daughter who was very drippy and whose stuffed monkey my son took, and then the mom encouraged him to keep playing with it - then she gave him berries from the little girl's dish. We were all incredibly sick after that, it was really frustrating because it was totally avoidable.

Why would you not extend courtesy to someone, rather than give them a week of sleepless nights?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmmom* 
Why would you not extend courtesy to someone, rather than give them a week of sleepless nights?

Because some of us just don't think about it. It never once occurred to me that someone with kids would even think twice about exposure to colds, until I started seeing threads about it here. At that time, my oldest was...13, I think...

Someone upthread mentioned that she thought it was an unwritten rule. It might be, in some circles, but it's still something really alien to me, and is certainly not an unwritten rule in the circles I was in when ds1 was little.


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## jmmom (Sep 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Because some of us just don't think about it. It never once occurred to me that someone with kids would even think twice about exposure to colds, until I started seeing threads about it here. At that time, my oldest was...13, I think...

Thanks - my response needed to be brought in line a bit. I didn't mean to be quite so snarky, and I do definitely understand that some moms - like my good friend, who gave us the cold - don't think about this. And I also understand that some kids are sick a lot, such that if their parents warned everyone all the time, they'd constantly be indoors alone or whatever. I'm very lucky that we gave on the whole great immune systems and are almost never sick. I guess my question was more to those people who have maybe thought about it, and still decide that it's not a big deal. But there are probably not many people like that, and my (rhetorical) question was a bit meaner than it needed to be.

To the OP, the way I handled it with this mom was just to mention at a later date and in passing that we're up a lot at night when Jack is sick, and that I really hate it and try to avoid it. I don't know if it registered with her or not. It's not something that I dwell on, since I like her a lot and love having her as a friend.


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## karemore (Oct 7, 2008)

It's funny how differently moms feel about this issue. I see it all the time around here.

I find it hard to believe that people don't mind having a cold, or having a sick child. Especially if it's staggered, or spreads through the house. But to each their own.

My DD got an ear infection every time she caught a cold for her first two years. It was a nightmare. If I went to someone's house and they didn't warn me they had colds I would have been extremely angry.

I always warn people when we are sick. To me, it's common courtesy.

But it seems 1/2 the moms in this area will take their sick kids everywhere and feel if you want your kids to stay healthy you should keep them home. The other half will call and let you know, and keep their sick kids at home.

There are more than enough opportunities to be sick that you can't avoid. There's no need to put yourself and others at risk when it can easily be avoided.

Hope you and your DD don't get sick OP!


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## gr8danemom (Feb 20, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karemore* 

I always warn people when we are sick. To me, it's common courtesy.


I agree!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karemore* 
It's funny how differently moms feel about this issue. I see it all the time around here.

I find it hard to believe that people don't mind having a cold, or having a sick child. Especially if it's staggered, or spreads through the house. But to each their own.

My DD got an ear infection every time she caught a cold for her first two years. It was a nightmare. If I went to someone's house and they didn't warn me they had colds I would have been extremely angry.

I always warn people when we are sick. To me, it's common courtesy.

But it seems 1/2 the moms in this area will take their sick kids everywhere and feel if you want your kids to stay healthy you should keep them home. The other half will call and let you know, and keep their sick kids at home.

There are more than enough opportunities to be sick that you can't avoid. There's no need to put yourself and others *at risk* when it can easily be avoided.

Hope you and your DD don't get sick OP!

I think the part I bolded is part of where the difference in viewpoint comes in. I don't consider the possibility of catching a cold to be a "risk" in any sense of the word. I would never consider myself "at risk" simply from being exposed to a cold bug.

As for finding it hard to believe that people don't mind having a cold or having a sick child...yeah - it's no fun. So what? Nobody ever promised me 18 years of sleeping through the night and 24/7 of happy, healthy cheerful kids. Colds are part of life and it's simply not a big deal. I mean...nobody in my family knowingly went near _anybody_ who was sick in the last few months...and the whole family (even dh - first time I've ever seen him sick for more than about 24 hours) were sick as sick can be for a couple weeks and I'm still not over it. No - it hasn't been fun. But, I do believe it's good for my children's immune systems to be exposed to this kind of thing,


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

When I was a first-time mom and DD was 8 months or so, I would have been a little upset. Now that DD is 4, if *all* they have is a runny nose and cough, that's considered playtime!


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I think the part I bolded is part of where the difference in viewpoint comes in. I don't consider the possibility of catching a cold to be a "risk" in any sense of the word. I would never consider myself "at risk" simply from being exposed to a cold bug.

As for finding it hard to believe that people don't mind having a cold or having a sick child...yeah - it's no fun. So what? Nobody ever promised me 18 years of sleeping through the night and 24/7 of happy, healthy cheerful kids. Colds are part of life and it's simply not a big deal. I mean...nobody in my family knowingly went near _anybody_ who was sick in the last few months...and the whole family (even dh - first time I've ever seen him sick for more than about 24 hours) were sick as sick can be for a couple weeks and I'm still not over it. No - it hasn't been fun. But, I do believe it's good for my children's immune systems to be exposed to this kind of thing,

You're totally entitled to your opinion (and I actually share most of it), but it's clear from reading other posts in this very thread that some people feel differently. I don't really care what people's personal feelings regarding colds are; my question is, why not give the other parents a chance to decide for themselves?

I saw your earlier post saying that some parents just don't even think about it, but it seems that some people just think that since _they_ don't care about colds, they'll just make the executive decision that _no one_ should care about them. It takes 30 seconds to pick up the phone and say, "DS has a cold -- do you still want to get together or should we reschedule?" And then the other parent can make their decision.

When my friends call me and say that, I nearly always say let's get together anyway, but I appreciate them letting it be _my_ decision, and I extend the same courtesy to my friends.


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## Joyster (Oct 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmmom* 
I have to say that I agree with the op that colds can affect different children differently, not because (in our case, at least) they don't have good immune systems - we do - but because we're all of us bad sleepers, and colds make that a zillion times worse....
Why would you not extend courtesy to someone, rather than give them a week of sleepless nights?

That's a good point. My kids usually bounce back from colds fairly easily, much to the point where I won't panic if they've been exposed, it's DH who has really bad asthma who doesn't. A cold for him can leave a nasty residual cough for weeks or months. He's still having attacks from a cold he had in January. And yes, he's been treated for his breathing problems homeopathically even. (the steroids do nothing for him) Some places like school, playgrounds etc. you just can't avoid germs and we just go with the flow, but it is nice to have a heads up. When he's not under a lot of pressure and bopping along, he can usually avoid getting sick, but not so much this year unfortunately.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

My friends and I are in the habit of giving a heads up, but we also pretty much know that the other won't care much. We trust each other's judgment about our dc being too sick to play, and about them being well enough to play after an initial illness. Having a runny nose and a cough doesn't qualify as "sick" for me, because that can linger for weeks.

When ds was little (and I had dd, who needed to get out and see friends) I just kept ds in the sling when around sick people. Between the sling and breastfeeding, he never caught anyone's cold. The first time he got sick was when he went in for a well baby check up, lol.

Now that dd is in school, we seriously get some colds! But we never picked up much from playdates over the years, even if the friends had runny noses.


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

I think she definitely should have told you. I would be upset too, especially with such a young baby.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
You're totally entitled to your opinion (and I actually share most of it), but it's clear from reading other posts in this very thread that some people feel differently. I don't really care what people's personal feelings regarding colds are; my question is, why not give the other parents a chance to decide for themselves?

I saw your earlier post saying that some parents just don't even think about it, but it seems that some people just think that since _they_ don't care about colds, they'll just make the executive decision that _no one_ should care about them. It takes 30 seconds to pick up the phone and say, "DS has a cold -- do you still want to get together or should we reschedule?" And then the other parent can make their decision.

When my friends call me and say that, I nearly always say let's get together anyway, but I appreciate them letting it be _my_ decision, and I extend the same courtesy to my friends.

I do the same, now that I know it's a potential issue. The only point I've been trying to make is that it's not necessarily about a lack of respect or consideration for other parents, or some weird sense of entitlement, if a parent doesn't let other parents know. It really can just be a matter of being completely unaware that it's a potential issue at all. I've been here for a few years, and have wrapped my brain around it now, but I remember mentioning to another mom I know irl that my child was sick prior to a playdate, and she started to laugh at me and said, "so?". She thought it was weird that I even mentioned it. It's not so much that I think there's anything wrong with giving other parents a heads up - I just think the anger I see over this issue is a bit misplaced in many cases.


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

i was the same way with my first child, op, but i am not with my second. we have a life we have to be present for, and my friends and their kids, and dd and her buddies are all constantly swapping one thing or another. ds is nursing, but still has had 4 colds and a double ear infection in his first year of life.

it's harrowing, having a sick baby. my nerves still are raw taking care of my LO's, even after some years of experience. you can't keep em safe from every germ all the time. i sure wish it were so...

i feel like there is an unspoken rule about colds-where if there's clear snot/little cough it's ok. i would say something if it were my kid, and would expect the other person to let me know if it were theirs so i could opt out if i chose. i do think the mom shouldve mentioned it to you, but i dont think i'd be furious at her for not.

can you PROVE the cold came from her kid? it is cold season, and germs live on all kinds of stuff and in the air. couldve been someone else.

i got fired up recently b/c a friend brought her kids to play w/ mine right after getting a live-virus, shedding flumist shot. my kids both came down with the flu a short time after. i was livid, and i posted about it, and was reminded that i had no way of knowing that was her kids that passed it. it was flu season, and it couldve been any doorknob or grocery cart handle or whatever. then i remembered their music class teacher had been out the week prior with flu. coincidence. or not. she's a friend, and wouldnt have willfully exposed my kids to the flu, and it wouldnt have done any good to be mad or say something to her. im SO glad i didnt jump on her before i posted. i never said anything about it to her.

i hope your LO feels better soon! all the colds and illnesses, they do actually strengthen the immune system...so i hear.

oh, and hey, some unsolicited cold care advice-have you tried using nasal spray saline and then the aspirator? you get about ten bajillion times more guck out that way-our ped showed us how to do it when poor ds had his first cold at 2 weeks old. you hold babe at an incline, squirt squirt, and suck suck. it sounds a bit barbaric, and i HATE to have to do it, but wow it works, and the baby can breathe, so you can all sleep.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

sunnmama said:


> Having a runny nose and a cough doesn't qualify as "sick" for me, because that can linger for weeks.
> 
> 
> > i think that is where teh confusion sets in...what exactly is everyone's definition of being sick? i agree with what you posted....and thats when i wont worry at all about my sons being out....often times if a running nose or cough is going to disqualify one from a playgroup, no one woudl be able to come.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

If you know that you or your child are particularly susceptible to colds or tend to get every little thing a lot more seriously than everyone else...

Then I really don't understand why you would assume other people (who may not know this) will let you know, when really for your own sanity and health you should be proactive.

I have 2 kids that rarely got sick as infants. One of my boys, because he had to have 8 weeks of hard core IV antibiotic therapy (luckily we got to do it at home, thank god) simply had a really crappy immune system for his first year.

I didn't get ticked off at people who brought their kids with mild illnesses to playgroups or playdates, putting myself in their shoes (which is a lot easier than people who've never had a fragile child trying to do the same) I know I wouldnt' have thought twice about it easier. So I just informed people that it was nothing personal, but because DS1 had a weakened immune system we needed to stay away from kiddos who were actively sick, and if we'd gotten together and later someone got sick I would love to know about it as a heads up. The people I know who are parents of preemies, or other children at high risk for complications from colds or RSV do the same, to be honest. And as much as it was hard for me, during the worst of cold and flu season, we didn't have people over nor did we go out on playdates because of the risk.

To some degree when you are high risk, while it'd be nice if everyone operated with your caution it's just not realistic. If you didn't know that you needed to be proactive about colds, now you do. You can be angry with everyone who doesn't operate to your standards after the fact, or you can try to proactively limit those situations, preferably in a kind manner.

Anyway, *I* found I had great success when I just let people know why I was cautious, and thanked them in advance for their understanding, and assured them that it wasn't personal and I totally understood not making a big deal out of a little cold (becuase I'd been there, not having to worry about it with DD).

And I third the notion that really the most infectious time TENDS to be *before* the real signs of illness set in. The OP wouldn't have been angry if she'd been to a playdate with no signs of a sick baby, yet that's no guarantee that the illness couldn't have been shared. Look at it this way, now you know to ask in advance before you go over to this house.


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## Tizzy (Mar 16, 2007)

There really does seem to be a division of opinions between those with one child and those with more than one child...


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Little grey mare* 
There really does seem to be a division of opinions between those with one child and those with more than one child...

I have one child and although I have generally let people know about colds with playgroups, I'm pretty much in the "if it matters to you, let your friends know" camp.

I don't think there is one absolutely-understood way to deal with illness.

More than that though I grew up with an extremely germaphobic mother (OCD level). Every time I was sick, or she learned someone in my school was sick, she would quarantine me to my room and from about the age of 3 if I had to use the bathroom or something when "quarantined" I was given a little pail of bleach water, a rubber glove, and a rag, to wipe down anything I touched. I'm not even kidding.

For years I thought that anyone who gave an illness to someone else was like, a thief or something. Not only that but I felt like I had to be a leper if I even felt a little tired. It was (and still is) a very negative, opposition viewpoint on the world. I would caution against instilling this in our kids like "you caught that cold at Kyle's! That's terrible!"

The truth is that who gets sick when is pretty complex. Sure, if you're in a room when someone vomits, you're probably doomed. But colds are everywhere all the time and mutate a lot and it's just very complicated. You can accept that sometimes you'll get them, or you can expend a lot of energy trying not to.

I totally, totally get that we need to have a care for kids who are immune compromised, asthmatic families, or even/especially families like Joy's who have had a bad few months. And very young babies, and the definition of "very young" varies - 8 months wouldn't be so worrying to me in particular, but 4 would be, and that's very random.

But I think the best thing is to approach it in a spirit of communication and cooperation.

I don't think it's right to sit at home judging your friend for it and being angry, OP, although obviously you can't help your feelings. I think it's probably a simple matter of just asking her to let you know in the future and for you to assume part of the responsibility to communicate your needs and desires.


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## Marylizah (Jun 17, 2005)

I was thinking of this thread yesterday at the park when among our group of friends there were:

-- 2 kids with ear infections and runny noses
-- 2 kids with fevers and flu symptoms
-- 1 adult with a sinus infection
-- 1 adult coming down with the flu

At the moment, my child isn't sick. For the first time since late November. I was torn between feeling a little annoyed (especially regarding the kids with fevers, poor things, they really would have been better off at home) and shrugging it off.

My son *will* get sick throughout his life. And yes, sleepless nights are absolutely miserable. And since my husband is not here, I'm doing all the parenting on my own, and having a sick kiddo is really the pits. But you know what? He's gotten sick plenty of times this winter and not necessarily from his friends, so I'm learning to let go.

I think if you have a big problem with hanging out with children who are sick, *you* need to ask the question before going anywhere. And if you get somewhere and there's a sick kid, go home.

If I had stayed home with DS during his multiple illnesses this winter, we wouldn't have left the house between late November and now. That said, when he had croup, we did stay home for a whole week. He felt yucky and tired and I didn't want him spreading that around....


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Little grey mare* 
There really does seem to be a division of opinions between those with one child and those with more than one child...

I find it a bigger hassle when one of my kids gets sick than I did when ds1 was an only. At one time, it was just me and him, so he'd get sick, then I'd get sick (or vice versa or both at once) and then we'd both get better, and it would be over.

Having more kids has pushed my feelings about it in _both_ directions.

On the one hand, it is a PITA when an illness works through our house now. I'm still getting over a bug that whipped through here over the end of January/beginning of February. I started to get it. DD and ds2 started to get it. I fought it for a while, then they both got sick. I finally got sick (not just "think I'm coming down with something"). I started to feel a little better, but not much - ds1 got sick. DH got sick. DD and ds2 went into no-longer-sick, but insanely cranky mode. Everybody else is back to normal and I'm still wiped. Having an illness in the house is a much bigger deal than it was when it was just me and ds1. (In the case of this illness, the OP doesn't even really apply, as it's been almost an epidemic in my municipality - the health authorities have been tracking it.)

OTOH, even if I'd ever been inclined to try to protect us from exposure to bugs, the number of people living here makes that an even bigger hassle than it is to be sick. DS1 goes to his classes, attends two separate extra-curricular activities, and volunteers at the local Boys & Girls Club, so he's basically exposed to every bug at his school _and_ every bug at the school hosting the Club (_and_ there are kids who attend the Club who attend _other_ schools). DH is mingling with people at work every day, _and_ commutes by bus when he's not up to cycling, so he's exposed to all the bugs his fellow commuters may have. I go out to run errands, take the kids to swimming lessons, take them to the local farm, take them to a homelearning meetup every two weeks. Between the five of us, I'd guess we're exposed to a couple hundred people, or more, every week. It's fairly inevitable that at least _some_ of those people are going to be sick, even if they don't know it yet.


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## 3*is*magic (Sep 13, 2007)

It seems to me, as a PP pointed out, that there's a difference of opinion of what qualifies as a "sick" child. I don't consider a child with a clear runny nose and a mild cough to be "sick" and probably wouldn't mention it when setting up a playdate, especially if the symptoms had been around for quite awhile.

It's interesting that another poster pointed out a difference in the perspectives of parents with one child vs. more than one. I was _somewhat_ more protective with my first, but craved mom companionship so much that a simple runny nose would not have stopped me from getting together with a friend.

I think that by the time a baby is 8 months and is sitting independently, rolling, perhaps crawling, etc., it's to be expected that they're likely to catch a few colds in the winter months - it's a side effect of all that other age-appropriate behavior. If the child is not asthmatic or otherwise compromised, it would seem a shame to remain cooped up and miss out on opportunities to socialize and have fun - for baby AND mom.


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## luv2bmommy2*2 (Jan 26, 2007)

Well I am a germaphobe. After all the classes you have to take for nursing I am totally mortified of all the stuff that is out there lol. I would be upset if someone invited us to a playdate and the child was sick. First, I would think that the mom would have better sense in letting her sick child rest and get better before being out and playing with other kids. Second, I would be upset that the mom did not care if my children got sick. Thats just my two cents...


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## ginadc (Jun 13, 2006)

Livid? Really? I guess I can see being a little annoyed, but I just don't get "livid." It's a cold. Like 3*is*magic said, I really don't even consider a runny nose and a mild cough "sick." I consider it "winter."

Sure, colds are no fun, but kids are going to be exposed to colds in all kinds of environments. The only reason I'd be "livid" is if the child had a more serious illness (that the parent was aware of), or if my child were very very young (under 3-4 months) or immune-compromised.

Which is to say, I guess I fall into the "I have more than one and I'm pretty casual about this" camp. Both of my kids are in day care and I figure they'll be bringing home pretty much everything that's out there; they're walking petri dishes at this point. As many others have said, living here in the NE if we didn't go out every time one of my kids had a runny nose and cough, we'd stay indoors from November through March. (And I cannot imagine treating them as if they were "sick" and trying to make them stay home and rest all winter long.) DS has a runny nose now, and I still took him along with us for DD's Little Gym class this morning.

So, I think it would be gracious and thoughtful for the other parent to mention a cold, but I don't think it's horrible and rude for her not to have, especially, as others have said, if it's the kind of mild-runny-nose-and-cough that can drag on for weeks and weeks in the winter months.


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## Gabe'sMummy (Dec 4, 2008)

Totally depends how sick the child was. If it was just a sniffle I wouldn't be bothered. DS has had a few colds and I do tend to stay home when he's sick and warn people just in case they would mind, but personally I don't.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *luv2bmommy2*2* 
First, I would think that the mom would have better sense in letting her sick child rest and get better before being out and playing with other kids.

You know...when my kids are sick, I try to let them rest. It doesn't always work. Unless ds2, in particular, is _really_ ill, he gets irritable and cranky when he's sick. While it goes completely against my grain to do it, he thrives if I take him out and let him run around in the fresh air a little when he's not feeling well. He then goes home and sleeps better and he seems to recover faster. He's 3.5 and I _still_ have trouble remembering that, despite my first reaction, the best thing to do for him when he's sick is get him out - every day, if possible.


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## momtokea (Oct 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GAjenn* 
By the way, I would NEVER knowingly take my sick child out to infect other children. It is good for her to rest and recuperate; it is common courtesy to not spread sickness. With that being said, it is just a cold and my prayers are with families who are coping with much worse.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

here is one of the reasons i get concerned about the trend toward protecting our kids from everything: http://www.timesfreepress.com/news/2...ood-allergies/

excerpt:

Quote:

"Early exposure to germs and infection is important in training the immune system to do what it's supposed to, which is to protect us from foreign infiltrates," said Dr. Marc Cromie, pediatric allergy specialist at the Chattanooga Allergy Clinic. Without that exposure, "there's a shift in the balance to where we become overreactive to things that are harmless," he said.
this article is probably not the best source; however, i was reading it in relation to something else and thought of this thread so came back to post it.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
You know...when my kids are sick, I try to let them rest. It doesn't always work. Unless ds2, in particular, is _really_ ill, he gets irritable and cranky when he's sick. While it goes completely against my grain to do it, he thrives if I take him out and let him run around in the fresh air a little when he's not feeling well. He then goes home and sleeps better and he seems to recover faster. He's 3.5 and I _still_ have trouble remembering that, despite my first reaction, the best thing to do for him when he's sick is get him out - every day, if possible.

Mine's the same way... actually I am too, especially if it's something mild like a cold.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

They (they being natural health magazines) say that being up and about is much better for a head cold than resting, as far as comfort level goes.

When ds was a baby, we were cautious about spreading germs. Now, at 4yo, it seems there is always someone with a runny nose and a cough.

My son was running around with impetigo for weeks and I had no idea what it was. No one picked it up thankfully, and he was around a lot of babies.


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## luv2bmommy2*2 (Jan 26, 2007)

I agree that sometimes it is good to let a sick child get some fresh air but it is quite another to invite other people's children when you know your child is sick on a "playdate". Whenever my kids are sick, I make sure they are able to rest. I keep them hydrated. I think it is extremely important to allow time for rest for their little bodies to heal. Do I define "rest" as staying in bed all day-no. I would never invite other children to come over and play when my child is sick. For one my child may get other children sick and the other children may be carriers of a different strain of flu or cold and thus making my already sick child even sicker. When you are sick your defenses are down to fight infection. Why make it harder for your child to get well? I am not saying that it is a bad thing to allow my them to get some fresh air (often times we will take a little walk around the park across the street when they have colds or let them play on their swingset) but never with other kids.


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## ians_mommy (Apr 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GAjenn* 
We were invited to play only to find after being there for 10 minutes that her kid has a cold. Do I have a right to be angry about this? I did not hide my feelings well. We seperated the kids, mine is only 8 months so no big deal. I eventully left. It just seems like she should have rescheduled and my DD would not have a cold!

There is no guarantee that your friend's child gave your DD a cold. When in relation to this play date did your DD develope symptoms? If it was 24-72 hours, it is highly unlikely she caught the cold at the play date.
The common cold is caused by any number of viruses...but viruses they are (not bacteria). Viral illnessed need an incubation period (unlike bacteria) which is why most diarrhea/vomit yuckiness travels fast (mostly bacterial in origin) and colds/flu do not.
It is a cold...not tuberculosis...be gentle with your friend.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I get pretty mad at my friend when she invites us over to play with her sick child and tells us he is sick once we get there. She is a nurse and just drugs him up and lets him play anyways. It really ticks me off that she doens't bother to think about how I might feel about my dd being infected with who knows what just so she can have an adult conversation. She may get infected with it from a school friend anyways, but I still want the choice to keep her away from kids who are known to have a cold and possibly the flu.


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## Porcelain Interior (Feb 8, 2008)

I would be mildy annoyed had I not been given the option to opt out if it was just a cold, if it was something bigger I'd be quite P.O.ed.

And when you have sick kids and they do better when allowed to go out and run around a bit- there is nothing wrong with that, unless your choosing to do it at a playgroup/mall playplace/or park/eating establishment with equipment other children are using. Then you're being pretty inconsiderate imo.

If you're sick (with something other than a very mild cold) you need to avoid group situations. That is the fair, polite, civilized and logical thing to do.

*Side note, I was a sick sick sick child. I caught everything. I wasn't raised in a bubble either. We had lots of pets, smoking, carpet and didn't own a vacuum. I of all my siblings ended up with all the health problems- asthma, terrible severe allergies and constant sickness. So the germ free makes sick people theory is bogus in my personal experience.

Flame away.


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## sleet76 (Jun 2, 2004)

I don't count a child who is acting and playing normally with no fever and a runny nose (thin, clear snot) "sick". Even with a mild cough. We spend much of the winter with at least one of us in that state. If anyone has a fever, has vomited, had diarrhea, colorful snot or discharge, or was acting lethargic, or just "off", I would call and cancel anything, and stay home as much as we possibly could.

It seems that all my friends operate by this rule. I think of it as the daycare/school sick rules. Once you have kids going to these places (school, classes, daycare), they will see similar exposures to runny noses, so we may as well not be limited by them. Older kids (age 2-5?) tend to have runny noses much of the winter from my experience.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Porcelain Interior* 

*Side note, I was a sick sick sick child. I caught everything. I wasn't raised in a bubble either. We had lots of pets, smoking, carpet and didn't own a vacuum. I of all my siblings ended up with all the health problems- asthma, terrible severe allergies and constant sickness. So the germ free makes sick people theory is bogus in my personal experience.

Flame away.

im not going to flame you but my response did NOT include having my kids around smoking and we do own very good vacuum cleaners. i think there is a huge difference in exposing my kids to normal bacterial infections (even viral) and having them play on filthy carpet and be exposed to cigarette smoke. No wonder you had allergies and asthma. My kids are not germ free by any stretch but they are healthy due to keeping them away from cigarette smoke (and yeh, i pretty much do....we will walk a long way to avoid cig. smoke) and vacuum cleaners.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

It wouldn't have bothered me.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sleet76* 
I don't count a child who is acting and playing normally with no fever and a runny nose (thin, clear snot) "sick". Even with a mild cough. We spend much of the winter with at least one of us in that state. If anyone has a fever, has vomited, had diarrhea, colorful snot or discharge, or was acting lethargic, or just "off", I would call and cancel anything, and stay home as much as we possibly could.

It seems that all my friends operate by this rule. I think of it as the daycare/school sick rules. Once you have kids going to these places (school, classes, daycare), they will see similar exposures to runny noses, so we may as well not be limited by them. Older kids (age 2-5?) tend to have runny noses much of the winter from my experience.









:


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Im in the, 'it wouldn't have bothered me' camp.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Wouldn't bother me.

A fever would bother me, and anything to do with puking would leave me baffled as to why they didn't mention, but not just a runny nose or a cough.

Honestly, most littles & mommy's would never get out and see anyone if they all stayed home because of colds.


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## Kristine233 (Jul 15, 2003)

Location, I'm thinking, plays a lot into what people consider a cold and how they handle it. In MN, especially in way northern cold as heck MN, we deal with this non-stop. Throughout the winter someone ALWAYS has a cold, its a way of life here. My kids would never go to school, never go on play dates, never do anything if I kept them home for a simple cold. AND I do have one child with respiratory issues, colds really hit her hard and we have to neb or she gets super sick. I still don't hold back, I let them live as close to normal lives as possible. I'm a pre-k teacher in a class of 20 kids. I can tell you right now that when I go to work tomorrow at LEAST 5 kids will have coughs and colds. The only time parents keep kids home is when they are miserable or running a fever. I then bring those germs home to my own kids, and they get exposed to things at school etc as well.

I feel that if I don't want them exposed to stuff, I would keep them home. If a friend is coming over I do say, "heads up, Jo has a cough" but that usually doesn't stop anything. Unless they are really hacking it usually doesn't even require a heads up, its just THAT common here.

Now in GA or CA or places like that, I can see how it would be different. You aren't dealing with -30f temps half the winter either. Your concerns for colds are probably totally different than ours.


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## awood11 (Jan 21, 2007)

n/m


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## Peppermint Poppies (Jan 7, 2007)

For me, it depends on the friends. I have certain friends, including my mum's group, who it is understood between us all that clear runny noses and sniffles are OK, and playdates aren't cancelled because of them. Fevers, green snot, diarrhoea or vomiting are still reasons to stay away, out of courtesy.

OTOH, for friends who I don't see as regularly and don't have a shared understanding with, I would always let know if we had sniffles and a runny nose, so that they could make their own decision.


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## Carma (Feb 10, 2006)

A little of topic. I see several times that green snot is considered a reason not to expose. Can anyone explain to me why? At our daycare they also want a dr's note for green snot, our doc. always says that most of the time it is just the end of the cold, the mucous drying up and turning yellow/green and the other times it could be bacterial, but that it is not more contagious then clear snot.

Carma


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## Calee (May 10, 2008)

Hey Carma-I am surprised at your doc's assesment of green snot, simply because every doc we have had says something different than that. We have always been told that yellow/green snot/gunk coughed up is indicitive of infection.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

green snot is OK
http://www.abc.net.au/health/talking...06/2153209.htm

http://blogs.webmd.com/all-ears/2005...-what-its.html


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Oh, I've always heard that green snot is a sign of more serious illness. Dd's school thinks so too.

But I don't consider clear snot, a bit of sneezing, and/or a mild cough to be sick. That's just life in the winter. If I had a child who was really sick, I'd keep her home, but kids have colds constantly all winter in cold climates. There's no way to avoid people with colds and there's no reason to keep kids with colds home all the time.


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## Village Mama (Jul 22, 2004)

I think I have a different view of colds because I have two kids with viral asthma. Colds for us always ment multiple visits to the hospital as well as nebuliser treatments for a week or two... multiple times a night with two kids. Plus having major sensory processing issues they don't cope with being sick very well. Colds are a little hellish in our house. I started to get a little weird after a while of this and definitely felt irritated that people brought thier sick, green drippy snotty kids to playgroup. I stopped going to playgroup regularly in the winter because they had a new cold every two weeks. They still caught lots of colds from being out and about but at least were able to recover somewhat in between. People close to me always let me know if their kids are sick before play sessions now, which I really appreciate. I also don't bring my kids out to linger in public places like post offices, librarys or grocery stores when they are sick as courtesy to others in public. Two of my elderly neighbours died this year from pnumonia complications from that particularly nasty cold that was going around this year. In Japan it is polite to wear a mask when you are sick as to not spread your germs around. I almost got the boys some allergy masks when things were at thier peak. My mom thought that it was over the top but changed her mind when she actually witnessed what it is like for us and we spent christmas day in the hospital because of a cold.


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
Oh, I've always heard that green snot is a sign of more serious illness. Dd's school thinks so too.

.

It's not, though. There's no way of knowing whether a kid has a virus, a bacterial illness, or just plain allergies from the color of their snot. DS, for example, always has clear snot at the beginning of a cold, when he's obviously contagious, and green snot at the end, when he's no longer contagious but getting rid of mucous that's been backed up in there.

Institutions and doctors are still using the green snot vs. clear snot rule, but IMO it's pointless.

ETA: And having suffered from allergies most of my life, I can tell you I had all colors of snot just from hay fever.


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## momtokea (Oct 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
But I don't consider clear snot, a bit of sneezing, and/or a mild cough to be sick. That's just life in the winter. If I had a child who was really sick, I'd keep her home, but kids have colds constantly all winter in cold climates. There's no way to avoid people with colds and there's no reason to keep kids with colds home all the time.

A lot of people have expressed this, but it has not been my experience. We live in Canada where we have very long winters, and yes there are lots of colds. We all catch colds at least once every winter, we recover completely, we never have it ALL winter long, and we are out and about everyday. We all had colds just before Christmas, we all recovered and have been healthy for two months.

Maybe I should just thank my lucky stars that I have very healthy children, but I would not be comfortable with any of my kids being sick all winter long. We take extra care of ourselves when we are sick so we do recover. That is how you build your immune system and make it stronger. By recovering. Not by allowing yourself to be sick constantly with a weak immune system.
If it takes a few days of missing some activities and socializing, it's worth it.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtokea* 
A lot of people have expressed this, but it has not been my experience. We live in Canada where we have very long winters, and yes there are lots of colds. We all catch colds at least once every winter, we recover completely, we never have it ALL winter long, and we are out and about everyday. We all had colds just before Christmas, we all recovered and have been healthy for two months.

Maybe I should just thank my lucky stars that I have very healthy children, but I would not be comfortable with any of my kids being sick all winter long. We take extra care of ourselves when we are sick so we do recover. That is how you build your immune system and make it stronger. By recovering. Not by allowing yourself to be sick constantly with a weak immune system.
If it takes a few days of missing some activities and socializing, it's worth it.

She doesn't have a weakened immune system. She's really very healthy generally. But she goes to public school and the school's policy is that we should send kids with colds, so she catches colds frequently. "Constantly" was an overstatement; "very frequently" would have been more accurate. Though the homeschooled kids of friends I know seem to get a lot of colds too. They probably catch them from their homeschool groups. And maybe from PS'd kids like mine.


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## Tofu the Geek (Dec 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
But I don't consider clear snot, a bit of sneezing, and/or a mild cough to be sick. That's just life in the winter. If I had a child who was really sick, I'd keep her home, but kids have colds constantly all winter in cold climates.

Kids in cold climates have colds all winter long? To which areas are you referring? I'm in a *cold* Canadian province, and I honestly don't personally know a child who is sick all winter long. My elementary aged child got a cold in the fall and she had a virus that gave her a stomach ache for a few days. That's been her only illnesses since school started in September. Her friends are pretty much in the same boat since whatever illness one has tends to spread through the class and everyone gets it of course! A fall cold is fairly typical for her (I think it's the back to school, being in a closed environment with a/c, less outdoor time, etc.), but never has she been sick all winter long.

Other cold areas could be different though which is why I was wondering which cold climates you meant.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TechnoGranola* 
Kids in cold climates have colds all winter long? To which areas are you referring? I'm in a *cold* Canadian province, and I honestly don't personally know a child who is sick all winter long. My elementary aged child got a cold in the fall and she had a virus that gave her a stomach ache for a few days. That's been her only illnesses since school started in September. Her friends are pretty much in the same boat since whatever illness one has tends to spread through the class and everyone gets it of course! A fall cold is fairly typical for her (I think it's the back to school, being in a closed environment with a/c, less outdoor time, etc.), but never has she been sick all winter long.

Other cold areas could be different though which is why I was wondering which cold climates you meant.

Well I live in southern Illinois now, but we used to live in the Chicago area and will be moving back there before too long. I've also lived in Indiana and Michigan.


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## Tofu the Geek (Dec 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peony* 
IMO those places are fair game but a private playdate at a house is different.









I agree. I can't control the germs at the grocery store, the library, school, and other public venues so of course my kids are going to be exposed to germs and potentially catch a cold. This doesn't mean I should have to purposely expose them to germs where there is a high chance of them catching something (i.e. child at friend's house with snot running down their face, coughing and sneezing). I figure my kids have plenty of opportunity to get sick from the "unknown" so I like to keep them from the places I can control. If they get sick, it's a greater chance I will get sick. That means not only do I take time off work for when they are sick, but also for when I am sick.

So ya, I appreciate when people tell me if someone in the house, who my child will be in contact with, is sick with a contagious virus. I tell others, but not to give them a choice as to whether or not to come over, but because I'm calling to cancel. If someone is in our house is sick, we lay around the house and lounge, soup, vitamin C, herbal tea, etc. We can usually nip a cold in the bud very quickly if we take the time to address it and rest immediately.


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## ians_mommy (Apr 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Carma* 
A little of topic. I see several times that green snot is considered a reason not to expose. Can anyone explain to me why? At our daycare they also want a dr's note for green snot, *our doc. always says that most of the time it is just the end of the cold, the mucous drying up and turning yellow/green and the other times it could be bacterial, but that it is not more contagious then clear snot.*
Carma

Completely true.
For the life of me I never understand why my patients are always worked up about their "green snot" when they do not have a fever/difficulty breathing/vomiting/diarrhea or any other significant complaint.

ETA: When it comes to nasal dishcarge (aka snot), good hand-washing is your best friend.


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## ians_mommy (Apr 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Calee* 
Hey Carma-I am surprised at your doc's assesment of green snot, simply because every doc we have had says something different than that. We have always been told that yellow/green snot/gunk coughed up is indicitive of infection.

It can be- but not always...it is part of a total symptom picture.

Either way, just because the individual with the green discharge is infected, it does not meen that person is significantly infective to other people...does that make sense?

For example, a *sinus infection* usually will have pretty impressive, off-color discharge whereas *sinus congestion* will often be clear/yellow. This is mostly a bacterial versus viral situation and the bacterial infection I can treat whereas the viral one needs to "run its course" so to speak.
Either way, I would not keep someone home from work for either (unless they had a fever and felt bad), I would simply tell that person to wash their hands and not leave their snotty-tissue lying around on common surfaces.

Not every infection is reason for the surrounding community to run for the hills...it really all depends on the situation.

Another example, I has a sitter cancel on me an hour before I needed her because she "heard my DS was sick and had a fever and didn't want to expose her 3.5 year old". DS was 24 hours post fever and had an ear infection- not at all contagious, but whatever.


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## Carma (Feb 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ians_mommy* 
Completely true.
For the life of me I never understand why my patients are always worked up about their "green snot" when they do not have a fever/difficulty breathing/vomiting/diarrhea or any other significant complaint.

ETA: When it comes to nasal dishcarge (aka snot), good hand-washing is your best friend.

Yes, that's what I mean. When I ask my daycare why they have this rule they talk about infecting other children. The only logical reason for dr's note requirement I can think of is that you want to be sure the child is ok, that he/she does not have a bad infection that could be dangerous to the child itself, not because of contagiousness (sp. ?) to other children.

Carma


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## angelak2008 (Mar 4, 2008)

I think it's a bit of a misnomer to suggest that getting colds makes one healthier by "strengthening your immune system." If this were indeed the case, we, as adults who've had a lot of colds, would hardly ever be sick and wouldn't get colds with the frequency we generally do. I hardly ever had cold until I had DD and now with the germ passing, she picks them up and hands them to me. If my immune system were so "strong" this wouldn't happen.
I have some friends for whom colds, etc. are not a big deal. They will drag their kids anywhere sick. I think when you are sick, you need to recover, as a previous poster mentioned, and it's not fair to assume everyone shares your relaxed attitude about germs, nor is it fair to your little ones who need a bit of time and space to get better. I don't want any more colds, thank you.
So, yeah, I think you need to tell others if your kid is sick/is "getting over" something, and let them make the call.
Angela


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## Heidi74 (Jan 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kristine233* 
Location, I'm thinking, plays a lot into what people consider a cold and how they handle it. In MN, especially in way northern cold as heck MN, we deal with this non-stop. Throughout the winter someone ALWAYS has a cold, its a way of life here. My kids would never go to school, never go on play dates, never do anything if I kept them home for a simple cold. AND I do have one child with respiratory issues, colds really hit her hard and we have to neb or she gets super sick. I still don't hold back, I let them live as close to normal lives as possible. I'm a pre-k teacher in a class of 20 kids. I can tell you right now that when I go to work tomorrow at LEAST 5 kids will have coughs and colds. The only time parents keep kids home is when they are miserable or running a fever. I then bring those germs home to my own kids, and they get exposed to things at school etc as well.

I feel that if I don't want them exposed to stuff, I would keep them home. If a friend is coming over I do say, "heads up, Jo has a cough" but that usually doesn't stop anything. Unless they are really hacking it usually doesn't even require a heads up, its just THAT common here.

Now in GA or CA or places like that, I can see how it would be different. You aren't dealing with -30f temps half the winter either. Your concerns for colds are probably totally different than ours.

This. I'm originally from Norway, but we live in New York right now. I don't believe in keeping kids "in a box"..and even if the other child weren't displaying cold symptoms your child could catch it before then. In fact, I've heard that a cold is usually only contagious right before and for the first few days (someone correct me if I'm wrong on that one.) If parents were to keep kids inside for the slightest runny nose, there'd be a lot of kids just staying home and not going out. Now, if the child had a fever or a really bad cough...like he/she was truly sick (like, should be resting or in bed), I would agree with you. I guess I just don't think of a common cold as a true illness...at least not if it's a minor one.

That said, I do let people know if DS is at the start of a cold...but if he has had a clear, runny nose for days, I just assume it is no longer contagious. (Green runny nose is a different issue.)


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## GAjenn (Jan 28, 2009)

> Quote:
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *TechnoGranola*
> ...


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## cotopaxi (Sep 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heidi74* 
In fact, I've heard that a cold is usually only contagious right before and for the first few days (someone correct me if I'm wrong on that one.)

You are indeed contagious right before symptoms show up, but you can remain contagious as long as you have symptoms. You are probably most highly contagious in the first 5 days, but it is possible to spread the virus after that period while you still have symptoms.

To me, there's no right or wrong re: exposing your kids to germs, but it should be up to the parent. I always let people know beforehand if my kid is sick, and if they say "come over anyway" we do; if they say "let's reschedule" we do. I wish they would show me the same courtesy; I've had to learn to ask explicitly.

My kid has asthma and so gets much sicker than their kids do whenever she has a cold, so I guess they don't see the big deal since they're not up all night giving their kids nebulizers like I am.

Mine recently had a stomach virus followed by a cold followed by walking pneumonia - sick as a little dog for 3 straight weeks - I did not get one good night's sleep (and I got the stomach virus and cold myself); baby girl lost two pounds (she was already in the 1st percentile for weight - went down from 21.5 to 19.5 pounds). We have a playdate Friday and you can be sure I will be calling that morning to see if anyone's sick and cancelling if they are. I cannot take another week or three like that for a while.

I know it's possible we'll pick something up anyway from someone who didn't know they were getting sick yet... it's not possible to avoid all risk unless we want to live in a bubble... but if I know for sure someone is LIKELY to pass another cold on to my kid this week, I don't want to hang with them.


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## Carma (Feb 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GAjenn* 

That is how I feel about the whole thing. It is amazing that I posted this while still upset. We have since moved on and people are still posting on this topic. I guess it hit a nerve! I don't care what color the snot is, just let me know so we can avoid it.

There was a bit of a division between people with one or with multiple kids. But I also think there is somewhat of a division between people with kids at school or at home. At all schools/daycare I know of, kids can come with a mild cold (no fever etc.). Then it is impossible to avoid it.

Carma


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