# Did my AP parenting make my child unbearable??



## monkeybum (Jan 1, 2005)

I don't know if this is the right forum for this, but...I need advice on how to set limits and boundaries, and generally how to help my 4yo get back under control. He is out of control IMO.

He was raised in an AP environment, (never left to CIO, responded to his needs, etc.). But I think somewhere around 2-3 years old, DH and I started taking the "don't let him cry" thing too far, letting him get away with everything, and letting him get his way all the time (almost). The only things that are not-negotiable are things that are dangerous, (i.e. car seat, bike helmet, running with grapes in your mouth, using a knife, etc.). Other than that, we "choose our battles" and end up letting him have his way to some degree or another. BUT, he's ended up - IMO - being overindulged and with no limits. It's like we have done everything we can to avoid him crying - almost at any cost!

It's like I suddenly woke up one morning and realized the awful habits we've let him get in to. He eats all of his meals in front of the tv. He goes to bed whenever he wants. He eats - much of the time - whatever he wants, (though we try to only keep healthy alternatives so that's not a big deal to me). We always end up negotiating on everything - how many bites of dinner he has before dessert, how many more shows he gets to watch before the tv goes off, how many books we read before bed, you name it. And it's usually the amount HE says, or we agree he can do something when HE decides, or how HE wants.

I am not an advocate of CIO by any means, but there must be a happy medium in parenting styles once they get to be a certain age - the "CIO" kids I know (i.e. strict parents who also set firm limits on bedtime, routines, meals, etc. when their kids are older) have these polite, calm children. I can't help but think that maybe kids thrive with routines, limits, rules, once they are a certain age. People keep telling DH and I that we let DS walk all over us, we always just ignore them and think "we're AP'ing" our son - he'll grow up more confident. But I think we have taken this too far and it's backfired.







My son freaks out if he doesn't get his way, and he is becoming very demanding and no fun for other people to be around.

How did I go so astray - I tried to be a good AP mom and take my child's needs and wants in to account, but I think I have created a monster! Help!!!


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## Flor (Nov 19, 2003)

I don't really have an insights except to say that 4 has been the toughest age so far for me. Terrible twos? Ha! I thought they were bad til I met 4! Ds will be five soon and it's getting better.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Four was hard for us, too. But from what you describe, yeah, I'd say you and dh had a lot to do with this. He's not a baby; when he cries because he wants more tv and you won't let him, it's not CIO. Not at age 4. It's you having set up the expectation that you'll let him do anything to keep him from crying.

On the other hand, he's 4, not 14! You can turn things around. I'm sure the mamas here will have some good advice.

But what I'd concentrate on is:

bedtime (it is when you say it is)
tv (it goes off when you say it does, which is always consistent)
books at bedtime (a consistent number)

Yeah, there may be some crying as he gets used to all this. But it will stop, after enough of your loving, calm consistent setting of limits changes his expectations.

(Eating is not worth that much of a fight, imo, especially since you are offering healthy alternatives. Personally, I wouldn't offer dessert as a bribe, but we save dessert for Friday nights)


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## hempmama (Dec 16, 2004)

Oh, I don't think it's so black and white. Some of those "CIO" parents with pleasant children probably have struck a good balance. Some of them have easy kids who would have been that way no matter what. Some of them are too strict and are creating distance with their kids. You've got to always be able to reevaluate, I think. You've hit a period of reevaluation.

It sounds like you know what's gone on- in trying to foster attachment, you've accidentally kept him from learning natural limits. I think every child needs different amounts of instruction on this kind of thing. It doesn't sound like you are sticking up for your needs enough with your DS (which is understandable, right? When they are infants you don't do that, and are supposed to slowly introduce it starting in toddlerhood). Do YOU need more space at night? How many books do you want to read? Not just how many are you willing to allow, how many? Do you mind the negotiation (I would)? Set a number, and that's it, every night. Don't be authoritarian for its own sake, but it sounds like some of this stuff is stuff you have a right as a member of the family to have a voice in.

He also might need help understanding the natural consequences of whichever behavior is making him unpleasant to be around. So, if he's too bossy, maybe explain out loud to him that people like to make their own choices, and they won't like to play as much if he keeps trying to make them for him. Model this in your interactions with him. Even if it pisses him off. I'm sure he pisses you off sometimes, right? It's ok if he sees that, in a developmentally appropriate way.

This is not a huge deal! You can fix this. And frankly they are all going to exhibit "bratty" behaviors now and again. If you thought he was perfect and you were doing every single thing right, I'd be a lot more worried. Thinking your kid is perfect IS the way to create a monster. He's learning, just like we all are.

It sounds like there are food issues- we loooooove Ellen Sattyr's Child of Mine, and I think it could help you a lot. Good luck, mama! I feel like I am constantly reevaluating my parenting style, especially with multiple children. It's the healthiest thing in the world.


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## lerlerler (Mar 31, 2004)

Hang in there.

I think many people confuse GD and permissiveness. But one is HOW you discipline.. and the other is WHAT you discipline.

You could be a Mom who GENTLY disciplines every aspect of a child's life... or a parent whose ONLY discipline method is spanking but will only use it if, for example, he hits someone (I know, ineffective, but...)

Don't confuse GD with "let them get their way whenever possible even if it means running over me"

Keep using gentle discipline but remember that the word DISCIPLINE is in the phrase GD and it means "to teach"....

Or as I have to remind myself when tempted too often to let DD walk all over me mostly because I am too tired "I will not raise bratty children"

Opinionated? YES
WIlling to stand up for their wants and needs? YES
Bratty? NO


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## Felicitymom (Jul 28, 2004)

I totally get the 'pick your battles' thing and then later realize that I have to pull on the reins a little... basically I do a lot of negotiating and a lot of explaining and a lot of reasoning... my dd is a very good communicator and so we can actually get through a great deal verbally (after the initial meltdown)... I have noticed too, now I was were you are now when my dd was about 2.5 - now she is 3.5 and I realized the other day that she really knows the boundaries and adheres to a great many 'rules' we've set up... amazing! We still have plenty of boundaries to set and boundaries to push... that's what its all about.

I would start small and as you get the hang of confrontation and negotiation in a controlled, calm way then go for the big issues. maybe start with the tv goes off at a certain time (dinner time) every day for at least the duration of the meal.... also, all three meals are eaten at the table but snacks are allowed in front of the tv... we actually have a small rug we put down in front of the tv... that is where you sit to eat a snack.... not all laid back in the recliner with a bag of chips.... we don't make my dd sit still for a meal... she is allowed to get up and come back to the table but the tv is off and no toys at the table (something always gets spilled)...

My time is so spent on telling my dd what we will do, then negotiating the terms, then explaining why.... I'm not the kind of parent that just says because I said so.... I try and keep her informed as to the process and reason of why we do things. Granted she is only 3.5, but I keep it pretty simple. I also give myself lots of time to figure things out... I try not to react emotionally to her emotional outbursts and plees for what she wants...

Remember.... you are not only your childs parent... you are their guide to the world and how to live in it.


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## Thao (Nov 26, 2001)

I really feel for you, mama! I had the exact same fears when our dd was around 7. I had been modelling and modelling, expecting her to pick up some consideration and social skills via osmosis, and it just wasn't happening.

I came to the conclusion that different kids are just, well... _different_, and as parents we have to figure out what works for our kid regardless of how AP wisdom or even our own ideals say it *should* be.

You did not do anything "wrong". It's possible your approach would have worked fine on a different kid. It just isn't working for your particular kid. You are recognizing it now (a good deal earlier than I recognized it with our dd) and are taking steps to adjust your parenting. That means you are doing things right!

It does sound like your son needs more limits and rules, but you can do this without being anti-AP. Anti-AP is turning off the TV and yelling, "You'd better stop your crying or you're grounded from the TV for a month!" AP is turning off the TV and then hugging him and saying, "You are feeling really frustrated right now, aren't you? We're not going to turn the TV back on because the family rule is only 1 hour a day, but what else might help you feel better?"

I'd say, to start sit down with your husband and hash out a set of rules to address problem areas. Then have a family meeting with your son to explain the rules and why they are important (in simple terms, like "we don't watch TV during dinner because that is family time" or whatever). Conventional AP is to then ask for the child's input as well, to have the child "invested" in the rules but I gotta say that with my dd's personality I have had limited success with that. It seems to work better to come up with reasonable, solidly-grounded rules (rules that obviously make sense and can be explained in a simple phrase like "it's a safety issue" or "nobody likes to be yelled at, so if you yell at me I will leave the room") and then just pull rank with her. She fusses for a short time and then drops it and is fine. I know she understands the rule makes sense -- she is very smart and loves the structure of rules -- so I think the fussing is just her dealing with her own unhappy feelings about the rule but she accepts it. Anyway, that's her; you have to use your own judgement on how much you involve your son on creating the family rules, based on your knowledge of his personality and maturity level. Ideally kids should be involved but it just doesn't always work.

Then - stick to the rules consistently. That is the hardest part! He'll resist at the beginning, guaranteed, but if you are consistent he will get used to it.

Good luck!


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

One of my great parenting revelations (when ds was about 3 and going through a difficult stage), was that it's _not_ my job to prevent my child from crying or being unhappy. Indeed, I don't think I CAN do that.

It IS my job to help my child learn to deal with powerful emotions. That's actually HARDER than preventing crying, IMO.

What that means practically, in our house, is that sometimes our kids cry. Dd is turning 4 in a week, and she doesn't only cry, she tantrums. And you know what? It's OK. I validate her feelings, give her a hug or cuddle with her if she can handle it and we talk about it afterwards if they want. Ditto for ds (except that he can never handle a hug until he's calmed down).

I would say that we are relatively strict and yet still AP

Our kids have a bedtime (and a routine)
Our kids are expected to do 15 minutes of chores a day
Our family eats together (but that's not so much being strict as it is "just the way it's always been done" - if they refuse to come to the table, OK, but it's never actually happened for longer than 3 minutes!)
Our kids get 1 hour of TV a day (2 shows), sometimes 3 (and that rule goes out the window when they're sick).
Dd gets 2 glasses of juice a day (she'd live on juice if we let her)
Ds must do his homework and reading every night
I'm pretty firm about not whining because it drives me NUTS. so we practice using "calm" voices a lot.
And yet on other things we're not so strict:

I don't care what clothes my kids wear (dd has worn the same fancy red party dress for the last 3 days)
Our kids are relatively free to have snacks (if they can get it themselves, it's fair game unless it's 10 minutes before dinner)
I don't police sugar - I don't buy pop, but I do make desserts and my kids still have Easter candy left!
They don't have to clean their plates or even taste everything at the table. We just ask them to sit with us for 5 minutes. They always eat SOMETHING.
We sit with our kids as they fall asleep
I'm not too anal about picking all the toys up.
They bathe less than a lot of kids.
They have limited freedom to play outside without supervision (they have to be in our yard or a neighbor's)
We let them ride their scooters through the house, jump on their beds and otherwise engage in 'dangerous' behaviors.
I list these things not because I think you should do them this way, but to show that different families can work things out in different ways.

I don't mind sitting with my kids while they fall asleep, but I DO mind if the don't go to bed until all hours of the night. I NEED that "kid free" time. Not only for my personal mental health but because I do about 20% of my work AFTER the kids are in bed.

My 2 kids also need very different approaches. Ds likes rules and routines and so he's a happy camper when those are laid out. Dd is much less 'rule-bound' and needs active social engagement.

So, what do YOU mind? How can you help your son learn to tolerate a little frustration when he's dealing with those things that you mind?


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## Unconventional1 (Apr 3, 2006)

I think in your case a few love and logic techniques may help. As far as books before bed- ask him for example: would you like to read three books or four before bed? If he chooses four, that is how many you read and that is it. You are setting boundaries and allowing him to have input about the decision.
For t.v., would you like to watch fifteen more minutes or twenty more? The tv goes off after whichever time he picks.
Would you like to put on your pajamas or brush your teeth first?
etc.

I found *this* part of love and logic useful, but that is about it.

Good luck!


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Monkeybum,







I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but I'm really glad you started this thread.







:


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Imo, it's about setting your boundaries. If you don't mind him doing something, why not let him do it? If it's a big deal to you, then don't. It's ok if he's sad- empathize, be there, etc. In those situations, I try to find a mutually agreeable solution, if ds is willing to. But if he's not, then I let him be sad, and be there for him when he wants me.
To me, "giving in" is different than letting your child do what he wants. It's giving in (in a negative way) if you're doing it because you don't want to deal with a scene, or you don't want your dc to cry, or be upset with you. If THAT's why you do it, that's not healthy for either one of you.
But that's different than trying to say yes whenever you can, when it's ok with you, when you realize that it's not a big deal, or that it means more to dc than it does to you.
It sounds like you feel that you are "giving in" a lot.

I'm with Lynn- there are a lot of things that ds does that I just don't care about. I mostly don't care what clothes ds wears- during the day or to sleep in (I like him to wear cute clothes when we go out, but if he chooses otherwise, it's all good).
I don't care when/how often he bathes.
He has a 2 hour tv limit, because that's pretty much how much he wants to watch. Some days I ask him to turn off the tv because its been 2 hours, and he's always totally fine with it.
I don't care about toys being out unless they are in the kitchen. I have a strict "no toys in my part of the kitchen" rule. lol. I HATE having to step over stuff while I'm cooking!
He has a loose bedtime, but dp and I stick with getting him in bed close to ontime. Books are only limited by how much time is left before "bedtime"- even if it's after bedtime, he gets at least one.
Teeth brushing is not negotiable, but where we do it is.

Point being, there are things that I don't care about, and ds does what he wants. There are things that I DO care about, and I insist, but most of the time I do try to find ways to make it agreeable to ds.

I'm not going to negotiate with him on how many toys he can have in the cooking part of the kitchen, for example. It's none- it drives me crazy. But I don't get mad about it when he leaves something. I remind him over and over, and do it in a playful way, etc.

ETA- Secret of Parenting was really helpful for me. I was able to actually be MORE gentle when I decided that it was OK for me to be "in charge" sometimes.


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## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

:
And to me, the 'in charge' part isn't directly being in charge of my DC (though at times, it does), but of me. I try my best to model personal responsibilty for my behavior and words. To decide what I was willing to put up with and what I 'm not, and allow them the dignity of reaping what they sowed without judgment. My parenting goal was to have children who can negotiate life fairly easily, do not become discouraged at the first sign of difficulty, are resourceful and patient, know they are the ones responsible for the way they perceive things. I don't take responsibilty for their outcomes, but I absolutely know they have all the above characeristics and then some. What 'worked' was to give them information and then let it go. BUT. When their choices resulted in pain, while I empathized/sympathized, I did not fix things for them. Now having said all that, I LOVE what a poster said a while back in another thread-The result of GD parenting is not necessarily well behaved children, but well behaved adults. I like this because way too much unhappiness and familial angst is wasted trying to get kids to act like adults. It can be done (with some kids







) but there is a hefty price to pay. So OP if you can get a handle on what you believe are reasonable expectations of your child, do your very best to be real and supportive to your kid, that's as good as it gets. None of us is perfect, and let's face it, GD is still, to a large degree, uncharted territory. Just start at now, look at the big picture, and don't beat yourself up about the past ( really, a hopeless undertaking anyway...)
HTHs!


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

It sounds like you feel out of balance, and it sounds to me like you are out of balance.

I think you would do well to have a routine, not that you can't be a little flexible, but to have a general schedule.

I think you could also offer limited choices, and let him choose from those limited options.

One of the things your child will learn is how to cope with disappointment, and I think that's important around this age. They don't always get what they want, and yet life goes on.

I think it takes a while and you'll never, ever be struggle-free, that's just the age, and there's so much going on with expression, etc. But I think it would be good for your child to have more experience and practice working with boundaries and sometimes, coping with disappointment.

Best wishes!


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## RomanGoddess (Mar 16, 2006)

I don't equate CIO with doing whatever I can to prevent my 3.5 year old from crying. I will listen to what she says and consider her opinion but in the end, it's my judgment call. If she cries because she doesn't like my decision, I will do what I can to comfort her, including giving her a hug, offering her lovey, and taking her to her room to lie down. But my decision remains what it is.


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## Beppie (Oct 24, 2005)

I don't have much experience compared with most of you, since my oldest child is only turning 3 this summer. But I have noticed that the times when I'm firm about something on principle, she cries at first (oftentimes a rather 'fake' cry that makes me want to roll my eyes), but then she is remarkably well-adjusted after that. It often surprises me how well she handles it when I'm firm.

For example, she would watch TV all day long if we let her. She just doesn't ever want to have it turned off. But after a half hour, when I've decided it's absolutely been enough, I turn it off and deal with the initial crying. Often I try to engage her in something else, and make myself completely available to her, to do some other activity. Even if she whines, complains, I try to be understanding but firm. That's not CIO in my opinion. She's not left there to cry for no reason!


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

CIO doesn't equal all crying. I've never heard "CIO" used for any reason except leaving a baby to cry in his/her crib until he/she gives up and goes to sleep without being held.

I don't think it's even possible to keep kids from crying at all. Life is full of disappointments. I try not to create disappointments, but if they happen, my daughter cries, and that's OK.

I think all you need to do is get past the "any crying means I'm doing something wrong" mindset, and then when your son cries (and it's when, not if, because all kids cry sometimes) you can hold him and love him through the crying and help him learn to deal with disappointment.

I don't think there's anything wrong with eating in front of the TV, or staying up late if there's nothing going on the next day, if that's working for your family, or especially with negotiations - negotiation is a useful skill. If eating in front of the TV and staying up late aren't working for your family, you can put those negotiation skills to work. "I need you to get enough rest before X activity tomorrow, and you will need 10 hours of sleep in order to enjoy the event. It is now 7:30 pm. How are we going to make this work?" Or, "Eating is messy and I don't like cleaning up the family room after every meal. You like to eat in front of the TV. How can we come up with something that makes us both happy?" In that example, if he could come up with an idea that allowed him to eat there and where your needs were still met, then fine, but otherwise he could eat at the kitchen table (or wherever). I guess my point is that I don't see any reason to set up disappointment for him just because you think he shouldn't always get his way either. I don't think denying him things just because he shouldn't get what he wants is necessary to keep a child from being demanding and difficult to be around. Just make sure your needs and your husband's needs are also part of the equation. It shouldn't be only *his* way - it should be the whole family's way, of which he is a part.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

My dd is five and still wants to negotiate a lot of things, but she is also very aware of where the limits are and is able to accept that there are things that aren't negotiable. If you want to put in limits now then I think that you should decide what they will be. Do you want to set a bedtime, meal and snack times, tv limits, etc...? If so decide what the limit or timing will be and have a conversation with you son about them and then follow through. There will probably be tantrums, they are normal with children especially when you change things on them because change is hard on kids especially if they are used to a routine, even no routine can be a routine so expect some rough days. The important thing is to let him know that you are still there for him but that you need to change things in order to be happy, give him lots of love and time but also the choice of whether to accept your comfort or have his space. AP and GD do not mean that you don't have limits and routines so try not to feel guilty about putting up limits that you believe will help your family develop a more positive atmosphere.


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## ktmama (Jan 21, 2004)

_I can't help but think that maybe kids thrive with routines, limits, rules, once they are a certain age._

OP, this has been my experience with my kids starting at about age four months. I have always followed their lead (especially when younger), but I do realize that pushing up against structure is a necessary developmental task for children, while at the same time thriving on that exact structure against which they push. They count on us to provide the container for which they can learn these "real world" lessons. I actually shudder to think what my kids would be like without experiencing disappointment and frustration in their lives.


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## nancy926 (Mar 10, 2003)

I think LynnS6's post is great. AP is NOT the same as "never letting your children cry, or be angry." They are going to be sad and angry and disappointed, and we can't avoid that - but we can help them learn how to deal with it.

I used to think that AP meant I should come running whenever one of my DD's cried, and try to "fix" it right away. But I've come to see that isn't what AP is about. It's not about trying to make your kids happy all the time. That was MY anxiety, my difficulties with sadness and anger - it wasn't being AP. Months after realizing this I am in a place where I often can just be there, and let my DD be sad or angry or upset, and then talk about it. Sometimes she is sad or angry or upset because we have rules and limits that she doesn't like. I understand that, but that doesn't mean we change the rules.


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## beachcomber (May 11, 2005)

Also chiming into say 1) THANK YOU for starting this thread! and 2) LynnS6's post is great. I'm pasting it into a word document so I can have it to review whenever things get tough at my house. My dd is only 2 so I'm in the early stages of this stuff. I have no real advice other than to agree with those who've said that CIO and crying aren't the same and boundaries are a very good and very important thing to give to your child.

Good luck, Mama. I know you'll get through this with your DS.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

This is a great thread!
I love Lynns6's post









Quote:


Originally Posted by *nancy926* 

I used to think that AP meant I should come running whenever one of my DD's cried, and try to "fix" it right away. But I've come to see that isn't what AP is about. It's not about trying to make your kids happy all the time. *That was MY anxiety, my difficulties with sadness and anger - it wasn't being AP. Months after realizing this I am in a place where I often can just be there, and let my DD be sad or angry or upset, and then talk about it.* Sometimes she is sad or angry or upset because we have rules and limits that she doesn't like. I understand that, but that doesn't mean we change the rules.

So how did you get to that point? DH and I struggle with this a lot. It is hard to let ds 1 be upset and cry and be mad. I always feel like I need to "Fix it" even though I know he needs me to support him while he is going through it.

.


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## nancy926 (Mar 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
This is a great thread!
I love Lynns6's post









So how did you get to that point? DH and I struggle with this a lot. It is hard to let ds 1 be upset and cry and be mad. I always feel like I need to "Fix it" even though I know he needs me to support him while he is going through it.

.

1) I started counseling, or therapy, or whatever you want to call it.
2) I read "When Your Child Drives You Crazy" by Eda LeShan, which has an AWFUL title but is a great book. She has several chapters about letting kids feel their feelings and not jumping in and trying to fix everything.
PM me if you want more info!


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## dawn1221 (Sep 27, 2006)

I pick my battles with DD (who is 2.5 years old) but I do battle with her on occasion.

It is necessary for me to let her know that I have certain expectations of her everyday and there is no compromising them. Such as brushing teeth and hair, using the potty before we leave and before bed, bedtime (because we have to leave early in the morning - weekends are free for all).

DD does have a choice when it comes to these things. She can do it the easy way (go and brush teeth or whatever when I ask her to) or the hard way (I will brush her teeth for her against her will).

She has a lot of freedom everywhere else. But certain things are not tolerated.


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## GradysMom (Jan 7, 2007)

I hear what you are saying op.
My ds is 21 mo and I wonder about the CIo alot because dh is intolerant of crying, he can't stand it and either gets overly frustrated or overly concerned iykwim...

I am trying to get though this time by viewing questions of habits, such as eating in front of the tv in terms of healthy life habits... a variation on "dangerous". We only recently began doing this because of hockey playoffs... butin general have a hard time getting ds to stay at the table for meals... over and over again we tell him that it is just the way things will be.

I know I over indulge too, like leeting him have a cookie after no dinner... so I have alot of work to do in this department before we start forming bad habits.

I will be following this thread for a bit...


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## GradysMom (Jan 7, 2007)

I would agree with Hempmama about limits and I think that is what I have been trying to do here ...

I have sorta been phasing out AP for GD since 12 mo came and went.

I figure it is a disservice to ds if I don't teach him that I am human and have limits, make mistakes etc. We try out rules and feelings together... trial and error.

This way in theory ds will understand the he can make mistakes, be angry, and have limits too.... just like all his playmates and other adults.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

I'm sorry, but I think you're calling overly permissive parenting AP. A need for more boundaries and guidelines and the simple fact of being 4 combined to make your child unbearable right now IMO (All 4 year olds are a pain to their parents I think, FWIW; you don't see it with friend's children probably because the kids don't test boundaries around strangers).

CIO is leaving an infant to cry and not responding. I don't think you can CIO a 4 year old (or for that matter, any child not confined by lack of mobility or restraints such as a crib).

AP is about fostering attachments, including young children's knowledge that their parents will keep them safe by setting good boundaries and facilitating (not forcing, but not ignoring either) routines. I believe that it's harmful to children to attempt to make them always happy. I wouldn't go out of my way to make my children unhappy of course, but I wouldn't try to stop them from crying when something happens or a limit is set that they do not like. Even if you're consensual living, there are boundaries and limits, they're just negotiated together. They do not involve giving a child anything they want or preventing them from ever being sad or crying.

You can certainly change your parenting style though. You need to set some boundaries, whether you make your son a part of that or not, and begin creating some bedtime routines and eating routines. Not rigid schedules, but some "around 8 we start getting ready for bed; brush teeth, putting on PJs... would you like to wear this or this?" and so forth.

And actually, I think all children thrive on routines, even if things don't happen at the same time of day, even infants get used to the routine of "I make nursing cues, mom picks me up, sits down, mom undoes her bra, gets the nipple out, nurses me." That's a routine. If you never responded to nursing cues the same way twice that would be very un-AP. You probably have more routines and boundaries than you think, you just haven't identified them as such. I think you can do that, and then add more give and take and as your child grows his behavior will mellow too.


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