# 8yo ds having accidents- dh wants to punish him



## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Ds1 just turned eight and he has been peeing himself a lot lately. It seems like every other day, he's wet himself.

Dh has gotten tired of it and is making him write sentences every time he does it. I'm not comfortable with that as a solution, but neither of us know what to do.

The issue for me is that when ds has an accident, he doesn't change his clothes, he stays in it until we notice that he's wet or smells. He told me yesterday that he's hiding it so that he doesn't get in trouble, so I told him that he wouldn't be in trouble as long as he changes his clothes and doesn't stay in it, that he would only get in trouble if he wore the wet stuff or lied about it.

Dh is mad at me and says that I'm undermining him and that ds has to write 200 sentences anyway that he "owes him" from an accident the other day. What would you do?


----------



## Jannah6 (Aug 29, 2007)

I'd try to get to the bottom of why my DS started wetting himself.

I agree with, "I told him that he wouldn't be in trouble as long as he changes his clothes and doesn't stay in it, that he would only get in trouble if he wore the wet stuff or lied about it."


----------



## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

Has he been to a dr to rule out any medical problems?


----------



## blsilva (Jul 31, 2006)

My oldest ds has periods when he will have accidents, and they are frustrating. However, we have noticed that these accidents usually come when he is experiencing stress of some kind- a change in his schedule, trouble with a friend, etc. When he is stressed, he cannot control his bladder. We have found that with encouragement and gentle reminders, once the stress is resolved, the accidents go away.

I would worry about any punishment for this as adding stress, possibly causing it to go on longer. Obviously your ds does not want to have these accidents, and is even feeling embarrassed/worried (which is why he is trying to hide them). I know your dh feels the need to do _something_, and I understand the frustration, but realistically, I think his reaction may be doing more to prolong the issue rather than resolve it.


----------



## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

I'd say get DS to the doctor right away.


----------



## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

I'd tell my husband where to go if he came up with anything like that, IYKWIM...

There's a REASON that he's wetting himself and there's also a reason he isn't telling you or changing.

Having him write sentences (that say what?) do not, in ANY way, address the issues at hand.

You need to work together as a family to figure out why the accidents are happening, create a plan for preventing them (like frequent toilet trips) and a specific way to handle when they happen so that everyone knows what to do. Then see what will help motivate your son both to use the toilet more frequently, and to take charge when he has an accident (let you know, change his clothes, clean it up).

These things make me so mad, as a special educator, because punishment only makes toileting issues worse and is humilitating and embarassing for everyone involved.

I'd be happy to come up with more specific ideas for a behavior plan, charts, a specific action plan for afterwards, etc. if you like.


----------



## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:

I'd be happy to come up with more specific ideas for a behavior plan, charts, a specific action plan for afterwards, etc. if you like.
Could you?


----------



## wytchywoman (Nov 14, 2006)

Your DH is being really unreasonable and inappropriate about this. I second everyone who said there is a reason why your 8 year old son is having accidents. It could be anything from a UTI to stress to being a victim of abuse. There are a myriad of reasons out there that could explain why he is doing it, and none of them are "he's being bad and needs to be disciplined for it". Consult with your Ped or a child psychologist about this one and tell your husband that you won't undermine him again as long as the actions he takes are appropriate and healthy, otherwise he should be prepared to be corrected.


----------



## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

I'd want to rule out medical reasons too. Is it possible he has a UTI or kidney infection? I know when I get kidney stones I lose control of my bladder. Is he under any new stress that can be causing it? What is going on before the accident? It is unusual that a child who has been potty trained for a long time just suddenly starts having issues.


----------



## Rockies5 (May 17, 2005)

8 is way too mature for this sort of thing to b considered an "accident". I'd start by telling dh to back off (not that there should be zero consequences, but I thnk they WHY is most important right now) and have ds evaluated by a dr or two!


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

I have a late trainer (4.5 years) Ans even to me 8 sounds really old to be consitantly having accidents. However I also agree this sounds medical not behavior and I'd try to find out why before trying to address behavior aspects if thats even needed. I alos regardless disagree with the sentences thats totoally unrelated.

Deanna


----------



## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

In my opinion shaming a child of any age for a toilet accident is going in exactly the wrong direction. I am not saying that to make you feel bad--I am saying it so that you can appreciate how important I feel that it is for your husband to stop this approach immediately. I have made my share of mistakes as a parent--we all do! We are all learning, right? But sometimes we need a wake up call and it sounds like you already know your husband is heading down the wrong path. I don't think I'm saying anything you didn't already feel. He has got to stop trying to shame your son for toilet accidents.

The person who is the most upset over this situation is not you or your husband, it is your child. I don't care how he acts on the outside, these accidents cause him far more stress than anyone else on the inside. HE is the one having the accidents, and at his age he is completely aware of the stigma and embarassment of toilet accidents, even if he doesn't show it. By shaming him with arbitrary punishments, you are just affirming that he SHOULD feel embarassed, which will only increase his stress level.

What concerns me the most is that you seem to be saying this is a new behavior. At 8 years old that may be due to either 1) a medical problem such as a UTI that needs immediate medical attention or 2)underlying stress that he isn't able to handle.

You know best which it may be, but if I thought for a second it was medical I would have him to the doctor immediately. Undiagnosed UTI's can do terrible damage.

If I could identify a definite cause of stress--a new sibling, a move, divorce, burglary, witnessing or being in a car accident, death of a relative--anything that stood out to me as likely to be causing stress to my child, I would first see if just having a parent listen and reassure him each day would be enough to lessen his worry. I would give him as much positive attention, listening, and reassurance as possible, and see how he responds. If the problem continued I would seek professional counseling before the stigma and embarassment of these accidents caused long term issues for ds.

I think at this point offering behavioral suggestions is premature. You need to find out if there is a medical or psychological cause for this sudden behavior before trying any kind of reward system.


----------



## mama_tigress (May 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rockies5* 
8 is way too mature for this sort of thing to b considered an "accident". I'd start by telling dh to back off (not that there should be zero consequences, but I thnk they WHY is most important right now) and have ds evaluated by a dr or two!

I disagree. I was having accidents at 8. It was incredibly embarrassing at school. I've just always had what I guess is a spastic bladder. When I realize I have to go, I have to go immediately. And as a kid, if I wasn't near a toilet, or if I was really involved in playing, I would wet myself.

Regardless, it definitely, IMO, makes no sense to punish him. First figure out why it's happening, and go from there. I will defer to the advice of all of the other mamas here


----------



## jjawm (Jun 17, 2007)

After going to the doctor to rule out any medical problem, you need to take the shame out of what's happening. Keep an extra set of clothes in the car so he can change immediately. Give him a code word so that if he has to tell you he had an accident, no one else needs to know. The punishment has to stop, though. And yes, I can imagine your dh is tired of it and wants a solution. But ds has lots of reasons to hide what's going on and not change.

I wonder if your dh thinks he's doing it on purpose. For the sake of argument, say he is (which I doubt). He wants to get a rise out of dad, and it works! Dad gets mad, boy gets attention. But if parents stay calm, treat it as an accident and calmly take care of it, there goes the attention, there goes the fun of making dad angry. And there is no reason for him to hide it anymore.

As an 8 year old, I'm sure he knows that he shouldn't be wetting his pants. I'm sure he's already embarassed about it. He's also scared of the reaction he's getting.

Give him the tools to deal with his problem - easily accessible dry clothing, a wet bag to put his wet things in, maybe even wet wipes to clean off his skin so he doesn't smell if that's an issue. Talk to your dh about giving ds more responsibility and the equiptment to make cleaning up after himself easy, rather than punishments.

I wet the bed until I was 12. My mom forbid my siblings to tease me about it. We set up a system where I was able to get clean bedding on my own when I needed it, and eventually I stayed dry. No shame, lots of problem solving, and eventually my body matured enough so that I could wake up when I had to go to the bathroom.


----------



## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

If you need a rational argument for dh, ask him what he thinks your child's motivation is. If he can control himself, why on earth would he choose not to?? When children misbehave, it is because they want something they can't have otherwise. Attention, power, revenge, etc. What on earth could your son possibly gain by wetting his pants?? This is not something that can be punished away.


----------



## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

DH has a suggestion for your husband:

He should write, 500 times, the sentence:

"I will take my kid to the doctor when he develops symptoms of a possible UTI."


----------



## BostonianBaby (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5* 
Dh has gotten tired of it and is making him write sentences every time he does it. ...Dh is mad at me and says that I'm undermining him and that ds has to write 200 sentences anyway that he "owes him" from an accident the other day. What would you do?

I've got to be honest with you here, I'm mortified that your DH is doing this. Like previous posters, I'm not saying this to berate you or make you feel guilty, but you absolutely must stop your husband from doing this as soon as possible. The accidents are obviously symptomatic of another problem - you just have to work to identify it.

Specifically in response to your WWYD question, I'd get DS to a doctor immediately to start identifying possibilities. And I'd let DH know I'd continue to actively "undermine" his ignorance until he could address the issue like a rational and supportive parent. Ugh.


----------



## emptytank2000 (Jul 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heartmama* 
In my opinion shaming a child of any age for a toilet accident is going in exactly the wrong direction. I am not saying that to make you feel bad--I am saying it so that you can appreciate how important I feel that it is for your husband to stop this approach immediately. I have made my share of mistakes as a parent--we all do! We are all learning, right? But sometimes we need a wake up call and it sounds like you already know your husband is heading down the wrong path. I don't think I'm saying anything you didn't already feel. He has got to stop trying to shame your son for toilet accidents.

The person who is the most upset over this situation is not you or your husband, it is your child. I don't care how he acts on the outside, these accidents cause him far more stress than anyone else on the inside. HE is the one having the accidents, and at his age he is completely aware of the stigma and embarassment of toilet accidents, even if he doesn't show it. By shaming him with arbitrary punishments, you are just affirming that he SHOULD feel embarassed, which will only increase his stress level.

What concerns me the most is that you seem to be saying this is a new behavior. At 8 years old that may be due to either 1) a medical problem such as a UTI that needs immediate medical attention or 2)underlying stress that he isn't able to handle.

You know best which it may be, but if I thought for a second it was medical I would have him to the doctor immediately. Undiagnosed UTI's can do terrible damage.

If I could identify a definite cause of stress--a new sibling, a move, divorce, burglary, witnessing or being in a car accident, death of a relative--anything that stood out to me as likely to be causing stress to my child, I would first see if just having a parent listen and reassure him each day would be enough to lessen his worry. I would give him as much positive attention, listening, and reassurance as possible, and see how he responds. If the problem continued I would seek professional counseling before the stigma and embarassment of these accidents caused long term issues for ds.

I think at this point offering behavioral suggestions is premature. You need to find out if there is a medical or psychological cause for this sudden behavior before trying any kind of reward system.


This is exactly what I would do.


----------



## Rockies5 (May 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama_tigress* 
I disagree. I was having accidents at 8. It was incredibly embarrassing at school. I've just always had what I guess is a spastic bladder. When I realize I have to go, I have to go immediately. And as a kid, if I wasn't near a toilet, or if I was really involved in playing, I would wet myself.

Regardless, it definitely, IMO, makes no sense to punish him. First figure out why it's happening, and go from there. I will defer to the advice of all of the other mamas here









Hey, Ellie, wouldn't _spastic bladder_ be a medical condition?


----------



## Think of Winter (Jun 10, 2004)

Oh, that is tough. Your poor ds. Do you know why he's having accidents? Could be a physical reason that he has no control over. Have you talked to his doctor? I'm against punishment anyway, but why punish for something that your ds wouldn't do if he had a choice? Seems pretty clear that he already feels badly about it. I think making writing a punishment is sending the message that writing is not an enjoyable thing to do, too. Sorry mama. Hope you can work it out and help your ds.


----------



## MrsAprilMay (Jul 7, 2007)

I agree that an 8 year old is probably too embarrassed about it to be doing it on purpose. A trip to the doctor is in order. And while you're there, make sure you ask the doctor to write down the diagnosis (even if it's just an immature bladder) so your DH has a valid reason to stop the punishments.


----------



## HotJabanero (Aug 21, 2008)

Is it possible he's had a growth spurt and his bladder has not caught up?

I had a nephew with this problem. His mom bought him kid pull ups and situation was solved. I don't think his dad had much to do with it at all. My nephew learned to change them himself and no smell no mess. Leave him alone he *will* grow out of it. Shaming him will absolutely make the situation worse and last longer. JMO


----------



## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MrsAprilMay* 
I agree that an 8 year old is probably too embarrassed about it to be doing it on purpose. A trip to the doctor is in order. And while you're there, *make sure you ask the doctor to write down the diagnosis* (even if it's just an immature bladder) so your DH has a valid reason to stop the punishments.

This sounds like a great idea.


----------



## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Sometimes the only sign of a bladder infection, diabetes, and other body illnesses in children is frequent accidents. It could really be anything and it is important to bring him in a have those things ruled out before going to punishments. If you have already done this then you may need to consult a counselor with him or get him into see a counselor alone. It could be that there is something very stressful going on and he just can't cope. Being unapproachable about what is going on and viewing this as just a disgusting and disobedient act is not going to help him to feel like talking to you about what may be seriously undermining his ability to cope with life in the usual way.

If after that you find out that he is just having accidents to have accidents then you may want to help him come up with a plan to feel clean and keep his clothes clean. Talk to him about the effect that the smell of urine has on others and ask him what plans he has for keeping himself smelling nice while he is working on controlling his bladder and teach him how to use the washer. At his age he should be able to clean up after himself and you and your husbands don't even need to know about the accidents if they are behavioral and not physical.


----------



## ~girlsmum~ (May 10, 2008)

I think everyone's covered anything that I could have said:

1. shaming your DS will only make matters worse, he feels bad enough.

2. a trip to a doctor would be in order to see what is causing the problem.

3. do a personal inventory of any life changes that might be stressing him out and causing him to have loss of bladder control.

Good Luck! and huge hugs.


----------



## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

I agree with girlsmum. I was a bed wetter until I was 10ish. I didn't want to, I couldn't help it. I remember being told I was "to lazy to go to the bathroom to pee" that really hurt me. If I was you I would consider pullups or something until the problem (if there is one) is solved or he grows out of it.


----------



## Kama82 (Mar 12, 2006)

This is actually not uncommon, especially in boys, even in boys up to 12 years old. Here is a really great article about it, the medical term for it is Nocturnal Enuresis:
http://kidshealth.org/teen/diseases_.../enuresis.html

It is extremely unfair and counterproductive to punish for something that your son has no control over. Discipline and motivation type things just will not work for this. If your sons bed wetting is caused by an emotional problem and not a physical one punishments and motivations can just cause more stress that can make the bed wetting worse since emotional bed wetting is often caused by anxiety.

One of my textbooks covered this topic at some length and the most successful method seems to be bed wetting alarms. Very few children who have this issue every get help for it despite the fact that it is very treatable (with medical help) and it does great things for the child's self esteem when the treatment is successful.


----------



## avantgauze (Jul 21, 2008)

i peed myself when i was 8, 9, and 10 years old. never while i was sleeping either, just because i just plain forgot (easily distracted i was). it was SO embarrassing i cant even begin to tell you. i recall to this day the panic of trying to escape from the playground without ever letting the other kids see me from the back, and hiding behind every house and tree all the way home. i would even have nightmares about it at night. thankfully my parents pretended not to notice (or maybe they really didnt notice, but of course they had to right- they washed my clothes!) if they had punished me for this, that would have really stressed me out much more than i was already. i was so much more sensitive then than i am now. i am certain your boy does not pee himself on purpose and that if he could stop, he most certainly would have already. good luck.


----------



## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5* 
Could you?

Sure! Other posters have had some great insights and suggestions.

A few more questions:

You said that he's been hiding it so he doesn't get in trouble. What happened before he got in trouble? Did he come to you? What did he say? How did he appear to feel about it? If he didn't come to you, was he honest when you noticed? Did he seem happier once in new clean clothes?

Is it happening at school or just at home? If at school, have you spoken to the teacher about it? What times of the day does it happen and what types of activities is he doing when it does?

Is the toilet easy to access when he's playing at home?


----------



## Twinklefae (Dec 13, 2006)

Does your DH think he's doing it on purpose? What 8yo boy pees himself for fun???? How embarassing! I agree with the pps especially girlsmum.


----------



## AlmostAPpropriate (Oct 23, 2004)

After the kids go to bed I would take a very hard line with DH. No more punishment for this behavior. You dont yet know what is behind it.

I go to your son, apologize for having handled it badly in the past. Explain that you will be taking him to the Dr. so rule out a medical cause.

However, I think 8 is old enough to be responsible for the "aftermath" of a wetting accident. Give him the tools to clean himself up and teach him how to wash his own clothes. At a time when he must be feeling pretty poorly about himself let him know that YOU know he can handle it.


----------



## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:

Like previous posters, I'm not saying this to berate you or make you feel guilty, but you absolutely must stop your husband from doing this as soon as possible.
It's stopped. I told dh that no child in my home is going to be punished for having accidents. I let him know that I absolutely will "undermine" him if he tries to apply inappropriate punishments.

I'm going to make a doctor's appointment for ds tomorrow. I tried to call this afternoon, but they were closed.

Quote:

Here is a really great article about it, the medical term for it is Nocturnal Enuresis
This is happening during the day. He's dry at night.

Quote:

Is it happening at school or just at home?
We homeschool, though it has happened at his karate class, so it's not just at home. The most recent accident was in the car, he didn't tell me he had to go and I noticed when we got out.

Quote:

What happened before he got in trouble? Did he come to you?
Even before, he wouldn't tell me. I'd notice and ask him. Then he'd say yeah and go change. The difference now is that after being punished, he'll lie when asked if he had an accident.


----------



## blsilva (Jul 31, 2006)

Good for you mama!









It sounds like even before the punishment he was embarrassed about it, and wanted to hide it, but felt comfortable being honest about it with you. This is a great palce to get back to, at least until you can figure out what is behind it.

Honestly, when I was that age, I had accidents sometimes, in the daytime, and my mom was my greatest ally, helping me change before any of my friends could notice.







Eventually I grew out of it.

I think this will pass for your son too, whether the cause is medical, stress, or just a developmental milestone. Having you in his corner will make it so much easier for him!


----------



## bnhmama (Nov 28, 2006)

Beyond the problems with punishing a child for accidents, I have a big problem with forced writing as a punishment. It's a great way to make a child hate writing.

It sounds like you're on the right track, Mama. I hope your dh gets on board with you.


----------



## MrsAprilMay (Jul 7, 2007)

Glad to hear you're taking him to the doctor. I hope everything is OK with him.


----------



## CATPAT30 (Jun 23, 2008)

he may just not be strong when he does notice he has to go.
I agree though have him checked by DR.

Give you DH kick in the butt for us.

also, FYI, in our area (Ontario Canada) we are not allowed to use writing lines as a punishment. Anything repetitive in this manner, or standing facing the wall, or spanking in any form etc. so we have to really work at helping kids with self discipline.

"How to behave so your kids will too" is an excellent book where in he addressed how he disciplines his young child who peed in their fridge. !


----------



## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Just sharing my own experience as a child.

When I was around 7 I wet the bed once at night. I have no idea what the cause was; it was probably isolated and maybe I just drank a lot before I went to bed that night (and I didn't usually get up to go to the bathroom in the night).

My mother cleaned me and the bed up without any comment or shame.

Then I did it again. And again. I don't exactly know why, but I think that after wetting the bed one time I felt like it wasn't so bad, it wasn't as uncomfortable as I would have thought. I certainly didn't think this through or anything. I probably just figured it didn't feel too bad (pee is warm, so it's really not too uncomfortable, not at first anyway), and just kind of got lazy about it.

My mother asked me why I was wetting the bed, and I couldn't answer her (didn't understand myself). So she took me to the doctor. He checked me out, made me pee in a cup. He told my mother that there was nothing wrong and it was a discipline issue and I was doing it on purpose.

After the appointment we went out to the car and she told me what the doctor said. She asked me if I thought I was doing it on purpose, and I said no (and really, I wasn't). If you can imagine I felt pretty shamed right then. But my mother replied to me that she believed me 100%, and that she would work with me to figure it out, no matter what the doctor said. I'm pretty sure she also gave me a hug right then.

I can't tell you how relieved I felt. The burden was lifted! My mother loved me! She believed me! I wasn't bad!

And I never wet the bed again. I think I wasn't doing it on purpose, but on the other hand wasn't really trying not to. But at that point I started being careful again, and I don't remember the issue ever being mentioned again.


----------



## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

I don't know if there are any other signs of sensory issues in your ds, but "The Out of Sync Child" might make a good read.


----------



## GradysMom (Jan 7, 2007)

Family meeting time... each of you gets to talk about how this is making you feel... gives dad a chance to express his anxieties about it... from a feeling/want the best for you angle....(reherse this) and get ds talking about why it is happening... and steer this problem to the doctors office.

but I think a family meeting to discuss the direction of discipline and hiding it and all other habits unhealthy that are getting started is the right way to go. You all get to be frustrated with eachother, and still love eachother when it is over.


----------



## Deer Hunter (Sep 26, 2008)

He should never ever ever ever ever be punnished for having accidents. There could be something really wrong. I'm completely incontinent, and I've had problems all my childhood until I lost complete control at the age of nineteen. What I DO remember is that my parents were supportive, loving, caring, and nurturing through all this. I had to deal with enough shame, as so much emphasis is put on feeling like a complete and total failure for having accidents. Could you imagine if my parents contributed and punnished me? I already felt bad, and still do occasionally, as incontinence can make you feel inadequate. I had the rest of the world to make me feel bad, embarrassed, and ashamed. I'll tell you a story about what happened in the tenth grade.

I got a sudden urge to go to the bathroom. This was during the time where I still had some control but had to toilet map to make sure I could get to a toilet in five minutes or less. I broke into a run: but, it didn't work. I peed my pants. I was so scared and embarrassed, as teens can be so cruel, even some of the teachers could be. I hid in the bathroom for almost an hour crying softly since I did not want to draw attention to myself.

Some time later, a teacher came in and asked what was the matter. I told her I was scared to tell her. She said it was okay, and I could tell her. So, I told her what had happened. She said she'd get the teacher from my classroom. (The school was not set up like a regular school. It was a boarding school, and we had primary teachers like in elementary school though we did go to different classes for different things.) She got the primary teacher's assistant who was anything but comforting. She said to me, "I surely hope this was an accident." I was hot and said to her, "What was that comment all about? You think I want to make a practice of peeing my pants? What for? I can't believe you said that!" She felt dumb and said nothing more the rest of the time with me.

I walked back to my dorm, took a bath, put on a diaper to protect myself from embarrassing myself for the rest of the day (I wore diapers on occasion during the day, on long trips, and at bedtime.), and got dressed. I said nothing more to her that day. I do, remember how bad and hurt I felt. It sticks with me.

Now, I wear diapers twenty-four/seven, as I have no control. I was diagnosed with overactive bladder though nobody is sure why everything got worse and debilitated over the years.

Now, your husband needs to think about this carefully. If I WERE punnished, it would do no good. I'd still continue to wet. Moral of the story, you can punnish all you want: but, it won't stop the wetting, especially if there is something wrong. I feel angry at your husband. I also feel sorry for you and your son.

Read my blog at www.takeastandforincontinence.blogspot.com

Read more at the Simon Foundation for Continence at www.simonfoundation.org

This should not be dismissed. It really should not. I couldn't imagine being punnished for something that was out of my control. I imagine that it could be pretty traumatizing.

Please keep us posted. I will definitely pray for you. Stay strong, and don't let your husband punnish him. You are handling it right. You are doing a good job. Keep easing your son's fears and shame. You are a wonderful mother.

If you want to show your husband my story, go ahead. i'm all about educating. As a matter of fact, I want the world to know so I can help break down barriers of ignorance. This is the purpose of my blog.


----------



## Deer Hunter (Sep 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolar2* 
DH has a suggestion for your husband:

He should write, 500 times, the sentence:

"I will take my kid to the doctor when he develops symptoms of a possible UTI."


Make that five hundred times five. I could easily do that much in a short period of time. The punnishment needs to be harder for an adult.


----------



## Deer Hunter (Sep 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
Just sharing my own experience as a child.

When I was around 7 I wet the bed once at night. I have no idea what the cause was; it was probably isolated and maybe I just drank a lot before I went to bed that night (and I didn't usually get up to go to the bathroom in the night).

My mother cleaned me and the bed up without any comment or shame.

Then I did it again. And again. I don't exactly know why, but I think that after wetting the bed one time I felt like it wasn't so bad, it wasn't as uncomfortable as I would have thought. I certainly didn't think this through or anything. I probably just figured it didn't feel too bad (pee is warm, so it's really not too uncomfortable, not at first anyway), and just kind of got lazy about it.

My mother asked me why I was wetting the bed, and I couldn't answer her (didn't understand myself). So she took me to the doctor. He checked me out, made me pee in a cup. He told my mother that there was nothing wrong and it was a discipline issue and I was doing it on purpose.

After the appointment we went out to the car and she told me what the doctor said. She asked me if I thought I was doing it on purpose, and I said no (and really, I wasn't). If you can imagine I felt pretty shamed right then. But my mother replied to me that she believed me 100%, and that she would work with me to figure it out, no matter what the doctor said. I'm pretty sure she also gave me a hug right then.

I can't tell you how relieved I felt. The burden was lifted! My mother loved me! She believed me! I wasn't bad!

And I never wet the bed again. I think I wasn't doing it on purpose, but on the other hand wasn't really trying not to. But at that point I started being careful again, and I don't remember the issue ever being mentioned again.


I could say a few choice words about that doctor; but I won't. I always tested negative in a pee test. That doesn't always solve the problem, especially when it is Overactive Bladder, which cannot be determined by peeing in a cup. I did have tons of UTI's and bladder infections: but, when they weren't present, I still had problems. My mother was my best ally as well. She is the reason I am who I am today, strong and secure with myself. Despite what others said, she always fought for me and stood up for me. I love you, Mom.


----------



## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Waldorf PC* 
I love you, Mom.


----------



## stacyann21 (Oct 21, 2006)

Quote:

There's a REASON that he's wetting himself and there's also a reason he isn't telling you or changing.

Having him write sentences (that say what?) do not, in ANY way, address the issues at hand.
I agree. He's eight years old, have you asked him what the problem is? Maybe he doesn't feel it when he has to go or he suddenly has to go really bad and doesn't have enough time to get to the bathroom? In any case, a trip to the doctor is definitely in order. If it's not a medical problem, he may need some sort of counseling. I would have been utterly humiliated if I had peed my pants at that age.


----------



## Deer Hunter (Sep 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stacyann21* 
I agree. He's eight years old, have you asked him what the problem is? Maybe he doesn't feel it when he has to go or he suddenly has to go really bad and doesn't have enough time to get to the bathroom? In any case, a trip to the doctor is definitely in order. If it's not a medical problem, he may need some sort of counseling. I would have been utterly humiliated if I had peed my pants at that age.


Agreed. And the added shame will do no good. Her husband really owes her son an appology. I'd MAKE him appologize. This is very unacceptable to say the least.


----------



## MovingMom (Jan 6, 2007)

I hope this doesn't offend you, but DH is WAY OFF BASE on this one! I definitely would NOT punish ds for having accidents! I agree with the others, get him to a dr. - it may be a UTI or possibly a food allergy.

good luck, but please persuade dh to stop with the sentence writing! I fear it's only going to make things worse. You want ds to come to you with problems, not hide them from you for fear of being punished! how horrible!


----------



## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:

good luck, but please persuade dh to stop with the sentence writing!
That's been covered, and it's done.

Quote:

I'd MAKE him appologize.
Adults, like children, can't really be forced to apoligize. Dh isn't sorry, though he has agreed to stop punishing him.


----------

