# I don't know what to do.



## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## whoamama (Jan 5, 2006)

Clearly, your daughter really wanted to see this info, and may also have been worried about being singled out at school, if she was the only/one of the only kids not watching. You and she should chat about it without you being upset.


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## MissAbbyRosesMamma (Apr 28, 2006)

maybe she didnt do it to be disobedient- im not saying she didnt know it was wrong!-but maybe she was curious and thought that you wouldnt tell her these things and she didnt want her friends to make fun of her. not good reasons i know, but maybe it would help to sit down and talk with her about why she didnt hand it in. it might shed some light and help you cope. i wish my school had given me a talk! my mom bought me a book and handed it to me and that was it! thats how i learned things! i felt so left out when my friends talked about "things" and i just had to be like "yeah...that too!"


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## AmyB (Nov 21, 2001)

I agree with whoamama. Your daughter wanted to see the film badly enough to disobey your wish, so now it's up to you to give her the information she wants in a way that seems appropriate to you.

But if you really want to take responsibility for teaching her about puberty you had better do it now, because otherwise she is going to get the information from her peers, and who knows what kind of misinformation she's going to hear from other 10 year olds.

--AmyB


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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Your daughter needed and wanted this information. For whatever reason, she wasn't comfortable asking you about it. Be thankful she learned what you were unable or unwilling to teach her in a factual way, from adults at school, instead of from the mis-information that kids pass around amongst themselves.

I don't think this calls for punishment. You might say that you are disappointed that she lied to you. But you might also apologize for not understanding that she was ready and needed to know about the changes that will be occuring in her body very very shortly.

I don't understand why anyone would want to keep a kid on the brink of puberty ignorant about what happens to girls AND boys as they grow up.


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## whoamama (Jan 5, 2006)

Instead pf discussing that you will teach her, you need to be teaching her right away, it is obviously very important to her. Why don't you want to yet?


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## Lynski (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama*
Your daughter needed and wanted this information. For whatever reason, she wasn't comfortable asking you about it. Be thankful she learned what you were unable or unwilling to teach her in a factual way, from adults at school, instead of from the mis-information that kids pass around amongst themselves.

I don't think this calls for punishment. You might say that you are disappointed that she lied to you. But you might also apologize for not understanding that she was ready and needed to know about the changes that will be occuring in her body very very shortly.


I agree. Sometimes being a good parent isn't about discipline and whether or not your child obyes you. Talk to her about how you are unhappy that she lied to you, and find out exactly what her motives were. You may not agree with it, but if she really wanted to learn I don't think that you can really punish her for that.


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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## whoamama (Jan 5, 2006)

I really am starting to feel more empathy for your dd. While disobeying you is not a good choice, she either wanted info or needed to fit in at school. You need to talk and talk to your dd, so you will know why she made this choice. You also need to resign yourself to the fact that she is growing older and more _herself_everyday. You cannot control her, but can only steer her. If she needs to know, you must teach her or point her to good sources. You should not punish her for this.


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## 2Sweeties1Angel (Jan 30, 2006)

Honestly, I would've ignored you too if you were my mother. Pre-teens are getting PREGNANT because they're ignorant about puberty/birth control. Schools need to step and teach these subjects when the parents put it off.


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

I know you are concerned about the "disobedience," but I don't think in this instance that you should solely focus on that right now. The issue contains many other elements which could have contributed to your daughter's decision to not turn the note in until it was too late. I think its important to understand why she chose to not obey you.

Maybe when it came down to a choice between disobeying you and feeling left out or different from her peers, she felt disobeying you was the lesser of two evils.

Maybe she was really curious about the information itself and really wanted to know about puberty. Maybe the very fact that you did not want her to participate in this part of education made it "forbidden fruit" and all the more enticing.

Maybe she would have been the only one whose parents would not allow them to watch the video, and maybe the school should have made it easier, offering an alternate educational experience, so that instead of either "watch the video" or sit in a room doing nothing alone, it could have been presented as a choice to "watch an educational video about puberty" or "watch an educational video on saving money" or something. And maybe it would have been possible to find out what her friends were going to be doing, and to present to her that she will be with her friend X in not watching the video, so she wouldn't feel singled out.

There is no way to know what she was thinking and feeling until you sit down with her and nonjudgementally figure out what was going on for her. Then it might be a discussion like, "I did not realize this was so important to you. I would rather you tell me what you wanted than disobey us like that. Next time something is that important to you, I will work with you to get you what you need. But you cannot go behind our backs; we need be able to trust you, and you need to be able to trust us." Or it could be that you discover this issue is just too much for her to be able to deal with right now, and you needed to contact the school yourself rather than rely on her to convey the information about not being allowed to watch the video.

Also, is this "disobedience" a pattern with her, or a one-time issue? That would make a difference in how you respond to it.

This is a great opportunity to establish for her and yourselves how you will deal with other issues that arise, as they will more and more frequently, such as sex, marijuana, cigarettes, kissing, intimacy, etc. How you are able to negotiate this incident while leaving mutual respect, honesty, willingness to compromise intact will help her to see that she can come to you with these issues and receive honest feedback that meets both her needs and yours, because there will be many times she will encounter temptations and receive information from peers that you will know nothing about, unless she knows it is safe and supportive to talk to you about it.


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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## dove (Jun 13, 2005)

You are asking for empathy that you are not showing your own daughter, even. If your responses are this venomous to us, I can only imagine how scared and upset your dd must be feeling right now with all of this. Have an open mind - look at what the posters are trying to say to you - drop this "I know what is right for her when" agenda. There is nothing inherently wrong with learning about the human body. Even if she is still in the "barbie-doll stage" she still deserves to have her questions answered. It's not about whether she is ready for sex or not. Basic human anatomy, here. I would be willing to bet that excluding her from this info when her peers were being given the info would pique her curiosity even more and lead her to finding out (possibly untruthful info) in her own way. It might also really set her up for feelings of shame over her natural curiosity.

*Plus, she would have had to have raised her hand and turned in an excusal slip in front of the whole class???* I can think of almost nothing more humiliating at that age than to have to do that. That aspect should have been handled more discreetly by the school. Your dd would have had to turn her slip in, walk out, and undoubtedly be teased by the other kids for her inability to stay for the program. That would have really sucked for her.
I really feel for your dd.


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## punkprincessmama (Jan 2, 2004)

Why do you feel there is no need for her to know the affects of puberty on males?


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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Edited to add that when my post went up, I saw yours saying that your daughter did in fact try to avoid seeing the video. I am leaving my post intact in hopes that you will appreciate my original response:

Well, I differ from the other posters in that I think this disobedience is an issue that should be addressed directly, a separate issue from what your daughter does or doesn't need to know about puberty. Tell her that you are very disappointed and concerned because this is not like her. Ask her WHY she decided to do this. Then you know whether this is more a peer pressure issue, more a curiosity issue, or what. It's important to address it so that she doesn't get the idea that when you tell her not to do something she can just go ahead and do it.

I think also you should talk to the school about the fact that apparently they collected the paper only from kids whose parents said no.







: That is just weird. They should collect it from everyone, yes or no, and respond appropriately to the parents' decisions.

Regarding what was taught and whether or not it was what you would've taught: Ask her to tell you what she learned. Correct any misunderstandings. If she's picked up any ideas that contradict your values, tell her what you believe and why. Answer any questions. Fill in the rest of the information you want her to have at this point. Talk about how she feels about what she learned. I hope the class was better than you're thinking.









Quote:

I do not feel she needs to be taught how a boy goes through puberty, I can not see any reason why she needs that information.
The reason is so that she understands what's going on with her male classmates when their voices start changing, and so that she's aware that puberty is not a curse inflicted on females but is something that happens in its own way to boys too.

Quote:

There is no concern with her having sex at the age of 10.
Well, good!







But that is no reason not to teach her about puberty. She will notice when her body starts changing, whether or not she is thinking about having sex. Even if you and her dad both were late bloomers and you expect her not to start puberty for a couple of years, IMO knowing about these things in advance and having a chance to get used to the idea helps you to accept it serenely and make sensible choices.

I'm sorry this didn't go the way you wanted it to. You wanted to teach your daughter about this in a particular way, different from the experience you had, and now you've lost that opportunity. I think you have a right to be disappointed.







I hope you can work it out so that you feel you can trust both your daughter and her school.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Well, I'm a little confused. On the one hand, you say that she's not ignorant, that she knows more than most girls in her class, and she's aware of how babies are born, etc. (In that case, why be concerned?) On the other hand, you say she's "not like the other kids in the area" and still plays with dolls.

It seems to me that you are feeling pretty conflicted about your daughter growing up. And why shouldn't you be? On the other hand, her growing up is inevitable, and she's given you very clear signals that it's happening.

The other thing I'm confused about is your conflation of her having the information about puberty with her "having sex at the age of 10." My six-year old ds knows all about the changes of puberty and I'm certainly not worried about him having sex! Why do you feel that your dd knowing this will somehow be the gateway to sex?

And also, why on earth shouldn't she know the changes boys go through? Again, my 6yo ds knows that girls grow breasts and get periods during puberty - what's the big deal?

I realize that you are not getting the response you wanted with your problem. But maybe the fact that all the responses are telling you basically the same thing should indicate to you that the problem here is not the one you think it is.


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## dove (Jun 13, 2005)

ita with zinemama. I tried to write somthing like this but had to delete - didn't come out right.


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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## Joannarachel (Dec 10, 2005)

i would have done the same. your attitude about sex ed is what gets girls pregnant.


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tired2clean*
She still plays with dolls, she still plays with barbies. There is no concern with her having sex at the age of 10.

I just want to point out that playing with Barbies has nothing to do with whether someone's going to have sex.
I had a friend who I played Barbies with. The year before, she got pregnant and had an abortion. She was 11 at the time of her abortion.

I had another friend who I played Barbies with. The same day that she and I played Barbies, she snuck out of the house to meet up with a 26 year old guy to give him handjobs in exchange for driving his car.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

I haven't read all the posts yet but let me just tell you, Stephanie S########### and Sandra C#####, those were the names of the two girls who had to leave the class in the 5th grade when we watched the puberty film. I am 36 years old this summer and I still remember the look of embarrassment on their faces when the nurse called their names and told them they would go to another classroom, and we all knew it was because their moms wouldn't let them stay with the group. I still remember their full names, and I moved across the country in 1984, so what does that tell you about how embarrassing it would have been for your little girl to have to stand up and volunteer herself for ridicule and shame?

It's not your daughter's fault. The nurse handled it very badly. She should not have set your daughter up like that. She was left with the choice of disobeying you, when you weren't there, or embarrassing herself in front of her whole class, whom she will have to see for 7 hours a day through June.


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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:

What gets girls pregnant is their parents not taking the responsibility of teaching them the truth about how their bodies work.
...and wanting to keep them in the dark about male bodies work.

Something to consider.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tired2clean*
If you read all the responses you would see where I said my daughter was not embarrassed to stand up and say she couldn't watch it. She was ignored.

Okay, I see that now. Hope your dealing with the school on this issue. It is completely wrong of them to forcibly make her watch a film she very clearly said she did not have permission to view.

I may not agree with your stance to separately teach her, but I do think the what the school did is a problem. Did they physically restrain her when she tried to leave or something?


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

I just want to say 10 years old is a lot older now than when we were kids. We discovered our 10 year old son viewing online porn. He stumbled on it quite by accident and viewed numerous sites before we found it on the history. Kids are able to access sooooo many things now that they weren't able to years ago. As far as not having "the talk," I can guarantee she is hearing plenty of misinformation at school. There were kids in my son's first grade class talking about sex (some accurate, some not). She will be exposed and hear plenty of things in the school environment that you will have no control over.


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## greymama (May 30, 2003)

I haven't had a chance to read all of the responses, but I wanted to comment on one thing your wrote. You mentioned how your daughter was still playing with barbies at ten, so was I and guess what... my Barbies were having sex. Well, the best sex two dolls one with built on underwear and the other one without genitalia could have. Your daughter was obviously curious and clearly didn't feel comfortable talking to you.

Also, I can't for the life of me understand why you wouldn't want your daughter to know about puberty changes in boys. I want my children to have AS MUCH INFORMATION as possible on sexuality and bodies... so they don't make stupid, uninformed decisions. May I ask, how do you want your daughter to learn about boys sexuality?


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## Joannarachel (Dec 10, 2005)

If you were going to deal with this, it would have been dealt with by now. 10 years old is FAR TOO OLD to not know how puberty works for both genders of the species. By refusing to divulge the information, and trying to not allow her to get it from a reputable and less biased source, you were doing your child a grave disservice.

I'm glad the nurse handled it badly. Your daughter deserves to have the truth.


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## Sustainer (Sep 26, 2002)

I understand that you wanted to tell her about it herself, and that you are concerned about any misinformation that the school might give her. I think you should contact the school and explain that you had not wanted her to watch the video, and ask if you can watch it yourself. If they are reasonable, they will let you watch it. If it contains any misinformation, like all girls getting their period at age 12 and having a 28 day cycle, then you will be able to explain to your daughter that every person is different. I didn't get my period until I was 14 and my cycle was 32 days, so I would not want my daughter to be taught the common myth that every girl gets her period at age 13. Find out what information they gave her, because it might not be the same information that the school system gave you when you were little.

I also understand that you had discussed it with her and thought she wasn't going to watch it, so I understand your feelings about her watching it after all. She may have understood your reasons, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she agrees with your conclusion; and you need to understand that, as a parent, all you can do is advise her, but the final decision about which books she's going to read, etc, is hers. It is okay to tell her that you are upset that she watched it, but then you need to accept that what information she ultimately exposes herself to is her decision, not yours. She sounds like a very intelligent person, and she probably understands that just because something is taught in school doesn't mean it is written in stone, and is capable of evaluating the information for herself, with the understanding that errors are possible; and she can compare it with information that *you* give her. In short, respect your daughter's ability to learn from her own research, using multiple sources of her choice, including both you and the school. Talk to her without judging her. Make sure she understands what your real concerns are about the video, and that it wasn't your intention to just keep her in the dark. Try to work through your own feelings, and try to understand what *her* feelings are about the matter. Remember, this is about *her* and *her* body.

I understand your feelings in that you don't think she needs to know about male development yet. When I was in elementary school, they divided us into two groups, boys and girls, and they showed the boys the male info and the girls the female info. The male info can't really be harmful to her though, can it?

Edited to add: I had not seen your post about how she did, indeed, try to avoid watching it. I also had not seen EnviroBecca's post, and I would just like to say that I agree with it.


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## MamaBug (Jun 13, 2003)

Moving this to preteens


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## Yoshua (Jan 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tired2clean*
B/c she is not male. Why does she need to know that at 10 years old?


I knew that girls grew breasts and had periods as well as what was involved in a period (egg maturing and being expelled) as well as hair growth for both girls and boys when I was 10.

It was an education. It didn't matter that I was a boy, I was educated what happens to girls too. Not to the same extent the girls were, we had our classes broken up by gender.

But if you are worried about that leading to sex, I didn't have sex till I was almost 18.

Sex is a different education than Puberty. Can go hand in hand but do not need to, and what would it hurt for a boy to know how a girl grows and a girl to know how a boy grows?

I am not critisizing, if it seems to come off that way, I apologize. I just do not see the thought process behind only teaching girls about girls and boys about boys.

They are all people, my thought is to teach them about people.

EDIT*

Also wanna throw in here that I absolutely do not agree with how the school handled the situation. YOu have every right to be mad. My questions were more along the lines of 'why don't you want to teach her yourself, do you plan on going over that when she is 13?'

13 may be to late. The mental growth between 10-13 is rapid, and insane. I've seen 12 year olds pregnant, Talking about boys and girls may be a way to avoid it..... that and videos of childbirth, but that last one is just me and shouldn't be taken as serious advice.


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## Hayes (Nov 20, 2001)

I would be upset at the school nurse and at my daughter if she had seen this film. SHE IS TEN!!! She does NOT need to see a graphic video of a penis and the proper care and cleaning thereof unless her PARENT decides it is ok.

The nurse should have taken permission slips from EVERY student and made sure to check them all, then have asked your dd to leave the classroom.

I am sorry that this personal family issue was shared in a way that you weren't ready for your daughter to experience.

As for the lying and disobedience? What woul dyou normally do? My oldest is not quite 7, but we handle things very differently around our house than many Mothering mamas do.

Hugs mama.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

Have you seen the video that your daughter saw today?

If not, may I suggest that no matter what else you do, you call the school, and ask to view the video for yourself. If they will not let you view the video at the school, ask if you can borrow the tape to view at home, have a copy of the tape, or be provided with the title.

Unless I missed it somewhere, it sounds as though you are worried about your DD seeing material on the tape, based on a tape YOU saw as a child. The material you deem inappropriate may not even have been included in the video your DD saw. And if it was, you can take things from there. You will also know EXACTLY what misinformation was included in the tape.

And I do, FWIW, believe that the school overstepped its bounds.


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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## LittleBee (Apr 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tired2clean*
It isn't a matter of me not wanting to or being unwilling to. I do not feel she needs to be taught how a boy goes through puberty, I can not see any reason why she needs that information. And I absolutely agree that She need to learn about her body, which I had been planning on teaching her and had already discussed this with her. And explained to her why I did not want her watchign the video. I rememeber what they taught us about this when I was in school and the information was completely off base. She already knows more then most girls in her class, it is not a matter of keeping her ignorant. We have been all through things like how a babu is born etc. Telling her and teaching her about her body was something I was planning something for and she understood this. She understood our reasons for not want her to watch the video and she ignored it. I want her learnign the correct information not a general grasp about how every girl is the same and gets their period when they are 12 and it comes every 28 days. I want her to learn the truth. But it isn't even about th evideo, it is about her making a choice to do the worng thing.

I don't know about your school, but ours was taught by a nurse and a woman...it was more than just the video, it was being able to ask questions with her peers present and them all learning together!

I know I had the talk with dd about a year prior to the video (which dd watched this year).

As for her objecting to watch the movie, that is odd...when she didn't turn the slip in to begin with...just my .02...that's all folks!


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *greymama*
You mentioned how your daughter was still playing with barbies at ten, so was I and guess what... my Barbies were having sex. Well, the best sex two dolls one with built on underwear and the other one without genitalia could have.
















:









Ya brought back some cobwebby memories!


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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tired2clean*
My daughter is not allowed online without adult supervision, and even then she has a limited number of sites she can go to, she can not just surf wherever. When they showed us the video I was in 6th grade, which after doing some research is what is suggested by the company that puts out the video, so I do think 4th grade is a bit young.


My son doesn't get to "just surf wherever" either. He knows the sites he is allowed to visit, but decided to look up cute girls one day. At what point do you give her the trust to handle the knowledge she needs to make informed decisions. I am baffled that you don't trust your daughter enough to inform her about all aspects of sexuality. She needs to be equipped to handle the onslaught of misinformation she will hear all around her.

ETA: If your daughter asked you specific questions about male puberty would you answer her???


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tired2clean*
I don't know about how you guys are with your children, but my 10 year old daughter does not have much access to boys alone. Her learning about a boy's sexuality should come from me, I see no reason why at 10 she needs to learn about it, you can disagree all you want, my view will not change on it.

This statement bothers me on a lot of levels b/c you are setting her up to fail. She is surrounded by boys all day in school. The kids talk so much and I guarantee she is hearing about things.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

For whatever your reasons for not wanting your dd to see it, so what!!! You have enough comments on that to chew over. The part that BOTHERS me is the school forced her to watch the video even though it was quite obvious you, as her MOM, did not want her seeing it or at the very least their was considerable question about it. Your reasons are your own. Right or wrong, it doesn't matter. I would be steaming with anger at the way the school handled it. I opted out of the same thing for my dd. I know her best. I am her mom. And it has nothing to do with the morals of it- she's at a catholic school. I've always handled her questions in a way that was child led. I answered her questions, no matter how squirmy they made me, until she stopped asking. I figured once she stopped asking, she had all the info she could handle in one sitting. She had time to proces and then would come back later whenever that was and ask some more questions. I would feel rather robbed of going through that process if the school had "the talk" with her. It was a bonding time for us. A time for honesty and a time for ME to catch up to her growing up. I'm sorry the school overstepped its bounds. A letter should be written to demand how they are going to make sure it does not happen again. The best you can do now is deal with what the video and class discussed. Requesting the video makes sense so you can know what is in it...









PS- I'm kind of surprised there doesn't seem to be more concern that the school took it upon itself to be the parent. I thought considering the very independant streak of many moms at MDC, there would be complete outrage.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

I could quote you experts who agree with me on this, but my personal experience also backs up the following:

An ignorant girl is a sitting duck for predators.

My mother wanted to "shelter" me in much the same way you're sheltering your daughter. She had a rough childhood and she thought that if she just kept certain information from me, I would be spared similar traumas. Well, it doesn't work that way. How it works is, you get pulled out of class while the other kids learn the "facts of life." Then, they're all armed with information you don't have. Then, the boys get hormones and start sexually harrassing you, but you're so ignorant and embarrassed when it comes to males, you don't know what's going on, precisely, or what to do about it, or what to call it. Then some "well-meaning" adult male decides to "protect" you (actually, he grooms you) by taking ownership of you, and he takes advantage of you too. Rinse, lather, repeat until your teen years are one big PTSD trigger. That's what happened to me.

I was a "good girl," never had sex until I was moved out and in college, but I was sexually assaulted many times before that. It's not my fault, or my mother's fault. That's NOT what I am saying. I am just saying, if I had know the basic, simple facts of male biology, sex, and sexuality, I could have DONE something about it. I would have known what words to use to say to my parents that something bad had happened. And, most importantly, if I hadn't been made to feel like it was horrible, taboo knowledge, I wouldn't have been too scared and ashamed to ask for help.

I suffered alone and in terrible pain. At 16 I had been abused so many times and in so many ways I lost count. My mother STILL threw a fit when the school mentioned oral sex in health class. She thought she had sheltered me from that. Well, I was sheltered from the facts and the positive information, but not from the trauma that sexual assault can cause.

Denial is DANGEROUS. You don't want your little girl to grow up and have to deal with the nastiness of the world. She's going to anyways. You need to face that fact and deal with it in a positive, supportive way. Playing ostrich and sticking your head in the sand could just get her hurt.


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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

I don't think you are a horrible mother. I am just baffled that you are completely dismissing what you daughter will hear at school. She needs to know the correct information from you to be able to filter the wrong stuff she hears with the right stuff she hears.

ETA I do agree the school is in the wrong and your daughter should not have viewed the video. I would let your daughter know next time to just politely walk out of the room if you have told her not to view a video the school is showing. If they won't allow her to leave, tell her to lay her head on the desk and not watch. The school can't force her to watch the video. They may remove her from the room for not watching in which case she can tell them you did not want her to view the video.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Yeah but what are you WAITING for? What magical age does she need to pass before you'll allow her basic knowledge of human anatomy? This sounds like it's more about protecting YOU than protecting her.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

I'm curious: since I went to a Waldorf school (where this sort of thing was NEVER addressed), what exactly was the misinformation presented to your daughter in this film?

I understand that you're steamed up about the way it went down (and yes, I agree the school handled the permission aspect of it badly). But what was the upshot? What myths did your dd come home with?


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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

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## LittleBee (Apr 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tired2clean*
She didn't turn the slip in b/c the teacher wouldn't take it the first time, so she was confused, her word should have been enough to make the teacher at least call and double check.

I agree there 100% she is your daughter and you do have the right to make the decisions...if you didn't want her to see it....well, thats totally up to you and i'm sorry the school let you down by not taking the appropriate measures to be respectful of your wishes!!!!!!!!!!


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## teacup (Nov 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tired2clean*
There is so much info to teach her when she is ready. Not when the school says she is ready. Also it bothered her to see the male part of the video and I knew it would.

Yes, there is so much information. I urge you to get started right away and not try to cram everything into one "special" day. Sex education is a lifelong process, and I can't help but wonder that if the two of you had gotten started some time ago, the "male part" of the video wouldn't have upset her so. And for what it's worth, I seriously doubt a school would show an erect penis to its students. The beauty of age-appropriate sex education is saving some things for when they're appropriate for her age (although I will say I don't think explaining an erection is inappropriate for her age). And I can tell you, with certainty, that she is past due for discussing the basics. Most girls in the US get their periods around age 10. Waaaay back when I had my first one, I was 11. Finally, you mentioned her playing with Barbies. That is the wonder and confusion of this age: I recall very much feeling like a girl some days and a young woman others. Arm her with the knowledge to handle those days she feels like a young woman.

Please read Gavin de Becker's Protecting the Gift.


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## mommaof3boz (Feb 15, 2006)

This thread has pulled a lurker out of hiding. I remember in the 6th grade watching a video...girls in one room boys in the other. And then nothing was ever mentioned again. HHMMM. In the 7th grade we found out a classmate was pregnant because she was molested by her father! Again no one took time to talk to us. Freshman year was the first time a girl in our class had an abortion. By that time I'd estimate 40% of the girls in my class were no longer virgins. My graduating class was only 72!!! And that was over 20 yrs ago. Our home ec teacher told us a Senior boy (several years earlier) thought if a girl urinated after sex all the sperm would flush out..and he and gf were active. Things couldn't be getting better...kids just hopefully are getting smarter and better information than what we got.

I am totally on your side about the school needing to follow the parents wishes especially if a permission slip went home. (right there tells you they knew some parents would object). However, never underestimate what kids at your daughters age know or are talking about. I think it might have gone better to contact the school find out when the movie was to be shown and picked up your child from school early/take her in late. You could go over what facts she needed to know so when the information highway also known as school yard chat started she would be in tune but not misguided. Also so she wouldn't have had to leave the room and everyone laugh at her. I know what you are saying about her not needing to see an erect penis at her age but I can promise you she's heard "boner" already. The whole erect penis thing as we all know isn't only sexual, babies get them for heavens sake. Its like womens nipples getting hard when they are cold-not sexual just cold. Boys get them when the have to urinate. I think they just wanted kids to feel OK about whats happening to their and everyone else's bodies. That its all normal. If a girl started her period in class you'd know she'd get made fun of but at least the boys wouldn't think she was dying. So the information has to go both ways. 9-12 is about normal for menarche. I hope this makes sense.

What has happened has happened so your gonna have to let it go. Let the school know in writing how you feel and then drop it. All it will do to make the school mad and might reflect back on your daughter.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

She doesn't need or have a right to understand what is happening in her male peers and friends lives? How will this contribute to better relationships for her? How will having less information empower her?


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tired2clean*
She has a basic knowledge we have studied the human body as far as organs etc. The magical age? Whatever age it is that she wants to know more details about what we have already talked about. Believe talking about your period and how you body works is not something I am sqeamish about, in fact it is something I am quite passionate about, I want people to understand not just that they ovulate once a month and then bleed, but how it all works, when she is ready to hear it or wants to know it she will ask.

Many, many kids do not ever ask questions about sex. Often, they are embarrassed, or they don't know what to ask. Sometimes they think they know the answers, they've learned a thing or two from their peers. Parents need to take the lead with this.


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## kraftykathy (Jul 12, 2003)

I can understand a mom wanting to be her child's teacher!

The OP says over and over again that she doesn't want to keep her dd ignorant, she just wanted to be the one to tell her. I'm pretty sure that since she has younger brothers she couldn't possibly be entirely ignorant about penises. Gosh even little guys get erections.

They actually show an erect penis on the video?!?! I'm pretty sure you can inform kids about puberty without the visual aid, lol. That reminds me of the sex ed class on the monty python movie 'the meaning of life', lol. My 11yodd (grade 6)would be completely and totally uncomfortable with that despite that fact that she really does already know it all (we're farmers, sex ed comes young and is pretty graffic, she had a miniture horse that was Mr Constant Erection)

it's too bad that more parents don't start gently intoducing the topic so it wouldn't have to be this big deal in grade 4 ( or more ften, grade 6) but it's my guess that it's for those kids who's parents tell them nothing.

kathy


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Color me highly skeptical that they they showed anything more graphic than a line drawing of a flaccid penis in any educational video screened in a public school.


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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

deleted


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

I still don't get why the depiction of an erect penis would be so traumatizing or inappropriate. Why shouldn't kids know about it? It's a good bet that all the boys have experienced erections by now. I mean, you can't have human reproduction without an erection. They're not showing the kids a porno movie!


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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

deleted


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## Sustainer (Sep 26, 2002)

I do think that, by the time a girl gets her period, she should have some clue what an erect penis looks like, and should be aware of the basic mechanics of sex. The amount of my life that I spent being ignorant of these facts is really ridiculous. I'm embarrased to mention how old I was before I knew that there was *motion* involved in the act of sex. From the textbooks (even in high school!), all you learn is that the penis enters, ejaculates, and then exits.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer*
I do think that, by the time a girl gets her period, she should have some clue what an erect penis looks like, and should be aware of the basic mechanics of sex. The amount of my life that I spent being ignorant of these facts is really ridiculous. I'm embarrased to mention how old I was before I knew that there was *motion* involved in the act of sex. From the textbooks (even in high school!), all you learn is that the penis enters, ejaculates, and then exits.

I thought I was the only one who didn't know about the motion!

Seriously, though, has the OP tried asking her daughter WHY she found a drawing of a penis traumatising? At that age, I would expect possibly (probably) an "ick" factor, but being traumatised or upset by it seems highly unusual.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer*
I do think that, by the time a girl gets her period, she should have some clue what an erect penis looks like, and should be aware of the basic mechanics of sex. The amount of my life that I spent being ignorant of these facts is really ridiculous. I'm embarrased to mention how old I was before I knew that there was *motion* involved in the act of sex. From the textbooks (even in high school!), all you learn is that the penis enters, ejaculates, and then exits.

I agree that I would want my daughter to know more about sex at this age. Not that I want her having sex, just I rather give her correct information early on so when she hears incorrect info later she will already know what is what. But maybe 2tired's daughter won't need to know anything about penis's. She may decide she prefers women for lovers, who knows.


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## 2tired2clean (Sep 1, 2003)

deleted


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tired2clean*
Is there really a need to take it there? This was a question about discipline. I would appreciate you not talk about my daughter like that.

Like what?


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

Why are you deleting your posts on this thread, 2tired2clean?
I didn't see anything to warrant that kind of extreme behavior.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lotusdebi*
Why are you deleting your posts on this thread, 2tired2clean?
I didn't see anything to warrant that kind of extreme behavior.

Wow, is she really? I've never heard of anyone doing that before. Why?


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *artgoddess*
Wow, is she really? I've never heard of anyone doing that before. Why?

My guess is that she found your suggestion that her daughter would
a. Grow up.

and

b. Possibly make decisions about her own sexual identity that her mother would not approve of.

offensive.


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## mama in the forest (Apr 17, 2006)

Mama - have you thought about going back to unschooling?

I unschool my children and would be furious if an individual or group took it upon themselves to educate my child on something that I felt they weren't ready for. They are MY children and as such, I know what is best for them. We live a very non-mainstream kind of lifestyle and I wouldn't want other adults making decisions about what my child should know and when they should know it. Particularly when it comes to sexuality.

She's your daughter and YOU know what is best for her. I'm sorry this happened & I hope that you'll both be able to find some peace.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli*
My guess is that she found your suggestion that her daughter would
a. Grow up.

and

b. Possibly make decisions about her own sexual identity that her mother would not approve of.

offensive.

Oh for pete's sake, what century is this? I thought the year was 2006 not 1806.


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## Attached Mama (Dec 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sustainer*
I do think that, by the time a girl gets her period, she should have some clue what an erect penis looks like, and should be aware of the basic mechanics of sex. The amount of my life that I spent being ignorant of these facts is really ridiculous. I'm embarrased to mention how old I was before I knew that there was *motion* involved in the act of sex. From the textbooks (even in high school!), all you learn is that the penis enters, ejaculates, and then exits.

Wow! That's me completely!!

I agree that the school was wrong and I would be angry too! I can understand you wanting to teach DD all of these things yourself and in her time and way. And I agree disobedience would be an issue - tho how we all would deal with it and the why's of it might be different from person to person.

I grew up in a little christian school so I was very sheltered like it sounds like your DD is - and I was also very different from other kids like you say your DD is. Several things I have learned thru those experiences tho...

1.) Even tho peer pressure had the opposite affect on me and made me want to be different, it still hurt a lot deep down inside when kids constantly ridiculed me for being different. So I agree it was awful for the school to put DD in a place where she would have to be the *only* one or one of a few to not see the video and thus be singled out by peers. Not that they were in any way right to make her watch it...

2.) My mom gave me the basic facts. I was probably in my 20's when I first learned about "motion"







and we also lived on a farm where I saw animals doing it - just never clicked.

3.) I think if your child is sheltered, it's easy to think they will come to you with questions or they already know what they want/need to know, but I would be *very* surprised if your DD has not already heard all about errections and many other things from schoolyard talk. Prob she's heard sexual slang that she doesn't even realize is sexual and heard people saying things and laughing about them and not "gotten it" and not realized it was sexual - or maybe had a clue but not sure.

4.) I suppose my mom was always open to other questions, but since she only told me the bare basics, I never even knew what else too ask and when I heard things here and there, I was too embarrassed to ask. I figured that since my mom hadn't told me that she didn't know. Or even if she did know, I just wasn't comfortable talking to her about it since it was not an open subject. By open subject I mean something that was freely discussed. I plan to freely and openly discuss things w dd at an early age and all thru growing up so that she is never ignorant of the facts. So it's a "normal" thing to her and if she somehow sees or hears something I dont' want for her to hear she will not be traumatized by it. I think when it's all sorta secretive even at home and kept for special times or 1 big talk as were the cases in my home growing up - that then the child is too uncomfortable with it all to ask. If it's constantly discussed openly throughout growing up I would have been much more comfortable with it as a child.

Not saying one way is right or wrong - just sayng how when my mom did it the same way as you how it affected me.

5.) I heard a *lot* about sex from kids talking about doing it. The rest I learned from Redbook and other woman's magazines where people write in with questions and comments.

I totally respect your desire to teach your DD yourself. I think what we are all trying to say tho is that if you do not give her FULL info at this time she is going to be and I bet is already hearing thing - whether she understands them or not.

I also agree with the need to know about boys because she is around them and they will be flirting and having errections and joking about it etc.

I can understand how this can all be a big shock to all of you - going from such a sheltered environment to public school. Follow your mama instincts while letting your DD grow up and I'm sure you will all do great with it.


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