# just so sad right now...



## starfairy (Apr 3, 2003)

I just read the stillbirth thread. I had this idea of what my baby would like when I finally deliver, I didnt realize...it has been 2 weeks since he died & I still have no idea when I will deliver we have tried to induce labor & nothing has worked... I just thought my baby would look like a perfect but tiny baby..it never occured to me that it could be otherwise....I dont know why it means so much to me, but I am bawling just thinking about it....









Yesterday was my ds's birthday, since I hadnt delivered, I'm not bleeding, I made the best of it & went to an amusement park with him...happy huge pregnant women rubbing their bellies.... I hate it.

I keep thinking - should I get pregnant again right after? we werent even planning this baby (had a baby 1 yr ago tomorrow, had an early miscarraige just months before I got pregnant with this baby, it was unplanned as well....), but would it make it easier? We think we know why I lost this baby, but I had 7 miscarraiges before I lost this baby - will i just lose another baby? If not - Would it heal my sorrow? Having my 1 yr old erased all the losses before her...but would it this time?

Dh took the kids swimming today - but almost didnt leave cause he walked in on me staring at the only ultrasound picture we have of our baby - it says 12 1/2 weeks, but i was 16 1/2 weeks for the ultrasound (IUGR)...its a horrible picture,very fuzzy, but i was searching madly to recongnize the face, the arms, the everything......

this really,really sucks.......


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)




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## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

I am so sorry, I don't know what to say. Your post touched my heart and made it cry. I hope my post touches your heart in some way and brings you comfort.


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## EmmalinesMom (Feb 9, 2003)

I'm so, so sorry.







Big {{{{Hugs}}}} to you.


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## ~*cherrypie*~ (Jul 1, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss....i have had three miscarriages with one being at 20 weeks and i can just feel your pain. I am so sorry!!! I dont really know what to say as i know nothing can make it better but i just want you to know that i care and my heart aches for you.


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

I'm really sorry to hear you lost your baby.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Oh, mama... I wish there was something I could say to make things easier for you but there's not. Just know that my heart aches for you.

XM


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I am so terribly sorry. My heart aches for the position you are in right now. It will be incredibly hard but I am glad you are more prepared now.

Your baby will be beautiful. It won't be the same as if they were born immediately but they will be beautiful.


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

I am very sorry for your loss...

I would say give yourself a set time limit for your next conception. I gave myself 6 months after my infant loss so that I could give myself time to grieve. The hormones of pregnancy mixed with trying to deal with something of such magnitude can really skew things. Let your body and heart heal some. Try not to concieve for the wrong reasons. Do it because you want to love *this* child not to replace the lost one. Establish this child in your life as the child it is to you and honor it. But most of all, do what feels right to you, not what anyone else tells you. *gentle smile*

Take care of you


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Starfairy--

I'm so very sorry about your baby. You will feel incredible love for him no matter how he looks, I promise. Simply because he's your baby. Oh, the tears are gushing now!

So much love to you,
Katherine


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## mama2mygirls (Feb 16, 2003)

to sad to type
my heart reaches out to you


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## hmpc2 (Jul 1, 2003)

Dear Starfairy~ I am so sorry to read of your loss. It broke my heart to read your turmoil. I am sure your baby will be beautiful, just because he is yours. Please continue letting us know how you are doing. Many hugs to you and your family.

~Heather- mom to Adia my spirit baby


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## starfairy (Apr 3, 2003)

Thank you all...

a week ago today I delivered my baby.... woke in the morning having contractions, felt a POP behind my pelvic bone & a while later I went to the bathroom & noticed i was bleeding heavier than before. had to have a bm so I held a piece of Tp in front of my vagina, because i didnt want the baby to go into the tiolet if I delivered...the tp was shot away with such force I thought I had delivered - and actually searched the toilet! but, it had been my water breaking I soon discovered...my dh went to pay a bill thinking we had plenty of time, but I soon felt gushing - I passed a ton of gelatinous stuff (coagulated blood? dont know..) then my baby came. the cord was too short, my 13 yr old was there watching my 1 yr old & I had to ask her if what i was touching was the cord or baby so I could cut the cord away







I went hysterical for a bit....then I found that my tiny baby boy was missing all his toes, 1 hand had no fingers & he only had 1 underdeveloped ear....he did not look at all like I expected, but he was beautiful. Looked like my 9 yr old son (my dh would say that to me later, I hadnt even told him I thought so..)I hemmoraged badly, went into shock & the paramedics came...they called the sherrif & threatened my dh to take our kids if we did not give the body---only when they got to the hospital & found my baby had already been dead 2 weeks did they give him back - they thought i had killed him







I couldnt be stabalized & ended up with an emergeny d&c (the dr was horrible, while inspecting me he used an instrument to pull tissue from my cervix - I screamed & he remarked that if I could have 3 children at home I could handle this - I remarked that in those cases I got something good out of it - i just delivered a dead baby & he was criticizing me!!!). They say I am lucky I got there when I did,lucky to be alive..a couple days later my milk came in.....

everything is so hard - I see women who are even less far along than I was with their baby bellies & it is so hard...and now that I know my baby was deformed I wonder - did the progesterone i was on keep him alive? were my 7 other lost babies deformed? I just dont know what to think or do anymore. I feel so lost........


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## karenpl (Dec 18, 2001)

{{{{ Starfairy }}}}

So sorry that the birth of your baby had so much medical stress added to the emotional turmoil of it all. How awful!

Sending healing vibes in your direction, and big tight hugs!!!

Karen


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss and everything you went through. I don't know why Drs are such jerks sometimes.









I don't know much about infant development but maybe it was just too soon to have developed completely.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I am so increadibly sorry for your loss. I also wanted to tell you how brave and courageous you are to have born this sorrow. You are so strong and such an awesome momma. My heart is breaking with you and althought I cannot experience your pain, I am hurting with you. Your posts are so touching and honest, I wanted to share with you how much I admire you.

Gossamer


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Oh honey... I am so sad that you were treated so poorly when you were hurting so much. That doctor should lose his liscense for being so cruel, giving birth at home and having someone pulling at your cervix with a metal tool in an OR are two *completely* different things, he must be smoking crack to think the two were even remotely comprable. And the paramedics... could'nt they tell that your little babe was already gone before he was born?

I am so sorry they insulted you with their ineptitude... I get so angry when I think of how you were treated! Grrrr! If men lost babies, it would be different... but that's another thread I guess.

((((hugs)))) to you, mama... I can feel your love for this child coming through your posts.

XM


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am, and how sad that an already awful experience was made worse by stupid people.

Also, remeber that you are still on a roller coaster: I had so many irrational (but they didn't seem it at the time) about my baby's life and death and everything else. Take a break and be good to yourself. I found that saying out loud whatever I was dwelling on or obsessing about tended to make me see it in a better perspective.

Take care,


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