# "Mama Bear" at the playground.... I know some of you have BTDT...



## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

So DH and I took DS (2.5, but the size of most 18-month-2 year olds) to a playground the other day. DS and I go to the park quite often, and he is a good climber, and we've never had an issue. This was a much bigger playground than the one we usually go to, and had different equipment than we're used to.

DS was climbing up a ladder, and an older boy (maybe 5) came over and climbed right over DS, b/c DS was going pretty slowly. Okay, fine. Not my preference, but he went around, didn't trample DS, and DS didn't seem to mind. Then he did it again. I was a little irritated b/c I felt it was rude, but really no harm done, and DS is going to have to learn at some point that not everyone uses nice manners all the time. The third time the kid did it, he waited for DS at the top of the ladder. I thought he was just trying to engage DS to play with him and thought nothing of it, until DS made it to the top and was met with a foot in his face. I looked up and saw the kid pushing his foot into DS's face, and DS was just moving his head around (and clinging to the ladder to keep from falling) trying to avoid the shoe. The kid wasn't letting up, and I was afraid DS would fall. I said, "Hey! You need to stop that!" and the kid didn't flinch. I *LOST IT.* I am not proud of my reaction, but it was my gut telling me this kid wasn't letting up and in a split second could decide to really hurt DS. I started screaming at the kid to stop, to take his foot out of my son's face, and demanded to know where his mother was. I yelled so loud it scared DS, and the kid just pointed over to where he thought his mother was.

I realized then that I'd rather get to DS, who was scared, than to confront the boy's mom, since I had stopped what needed to be stopped and I'd already created a scene. I heard some guy say something like, "That's not how you talk to a 5-year-old boy" during my tirade, but my only response would have been, "That's not how you treat a 2-year-old, either." I went to DS, comforted him (I have no idea where DH was during all of this, other than trying to crawl under a rock....) and some woman came over to me to say, "Don't listen to anyone else. I would have done the same thing." Well, fine. My mama bear instinct came out and roared at a little boy (who DH thinks was too young to be malicious) and scared my own little boy in the process.

I'm really not so sure it was the best way to handle it, and I wish I'd been able to stay calm, but all I could see was my son falling 6 feet to the ground with a sneaker print on his face, and I reacted. DH was angry at me for yelling like that. DS was scared. I was scared for DS. And yet I felt vindicated that another mom supported me, even when the dads didn't. So I just wanted to hear from some of you who have BTDT.... Was I as terrible as DH thinks I was, or would you have done the same? (Or both?)


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

We've had this exact same scenario happen, except that when I've said, in a loud and firm voice, "You do not put your foot in another child's face," the other kid stopped. Honestly, if he hadn't, I probably would have just grabbed DD and left.

We did have another situation in which I saw another kid (who had been bothering my DD to no end) grab her arm and wrestle her onto the floor. She was 4, and he was probably 5, and she'd been trying to avoid him for about ten minutes, but he kept following her around. I came over to him and hissed in probably the meanest voice I've ever used in my life, "You need to stay away from my daughter." And he did. I felt a bit bad about it, but seriously, you can't let that go on. And that time we weren't in a situation where we could just leave.

I do think that screaming at a kid is over the line, but I wasn't there. If it was possible to grab your child out of harm's way without screaming, that would have been the best solution, IMO.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

You might have "spazzed" a bit more than necessary but you weren't wrong. I don't think the 5 year old was out of line going around your ds but he certainly was when he pushed his foot in his face. 5 year olds still have a low frustration point and as much as you thought he was rude he probably thought your son was rude and at that age there can be some pretty inappropriate reactions to kids who get in the way of a good time. I probably would have told the kid to knock it off as I walked over there and explained that while I understood it was annoying to share the equipment with littler kids he was just going to have to deal with it without pushing his foot in their faces. I have (almost) 4 kids now though so my "freakout" edges have been worn down. I also had older nephews so I was used to kids that age interacting (not always well) with my littler ones.


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## Cherry_Blossom (Nov 7, 2009)

I think you did the right thing.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

When I was six or seven, I pulled a little boy's hair. (Because he was following us) I got yelled at, and was told to go home. It hurt my feelings, and I felt bad that the mom was mad at me. But, what I did was wrong. I deserved to have my feelings hurt. I also learned that I wasn't going to be allowed to do anything like that again.

Sometimes people get yelled at. Sometimes we deserve it, other times we don't. But, I bet that kid learned that he had better not try to kick your son in the face again. That's really what is important. Your son is more important to you than the feelings of some random kindergartner that already KNEW it wasn't ok to do that.... but, for some reason, he still wanted to try it out. It didn't work. He'll get over it, and hopefully learn the right lesson.

If he'd been allowed to continue doing that, he would just assume nobody cared, and he could just do it as much as he wanted. But, now he knows.

If I'd been the mother of that five year old, I would have gladly allowed you to yell at my son. (and he would have gone home) I won't have a child of mine purposely trying to hurt or intimidate a smaller child. I might not have believed you when you said my precious little angel child did such a thing to your overly slow child.... because my dear sweet girl never would have done that. Surely you must just be hormonal and mean, and you just didn't see what REALLY happened.







Then, I would have gone home and blogged about you.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nextcommercial*
> 
> I might not have believed you when you said my precious little angel child did such a thing to your overly slow child.... because my dear sweet girl never would have done that. Surely you must just be hormonal and mean, and you just didn't see what REALLY happened.
> 
> ...


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## Masel (Apr 14, 2008)

I think you did the right thing too. You tried asking and he did not listen. This kid was continuing to hurt another child even when and adult had told him not to.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

I would have taken my ds to a smaller ladder on the playground after it was clear he couldn't keep up with the kids on the ladder. I don't like it when kids are on playgrounds that they aren't really able to keep up on, or that they are too big for.

That said, sometimes people get really really angry when their children are being threatened, and its a normal reaction. Next time, I would try to pull your ds off the playground when it starts happening rather than getting angry. Oh well, hindsight is 20-20, and children need to know that they don't always do perfect things.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Funny that you should mention maybe he shouldn't have been on the equipment with the bigger kids.... The "little kids" equipment is generally not that interesting to him, b/c he can't climb. When we saw how crowded the playground was, we nearly left until we realized that the only part that was a total mob scene was the little kid equipment. It was crawling with toddlers and their parents and their older siblings who may have been told to stay close, but were causing a really wild environment over there, so we went to the other side where it was quieter.

And yeah, maybe I should have said something to the kid who was going around DS, but it didn't bother me. I didn't feel it was "nice manners" but I didn't really think he was doing anything "wrong." And b/c I don't have an older one yet, I didn't realize that maybe he was frustrated by DS being in his way. I mean, most older kids will say "excuse me, you're in the way" or "move" or something if DS is bothering them. This kid didn't say anything, so I assumed it was all good. And DH and I were standing in arms' reach of DS so that if the kid did knock into him by accident while going around him, we could have caught him. I think that's part of why I was so shocked -- the kid kicked DS while we were right there!

I really wish I were better at keeping my composure in situations like that. I'd rather yell at the kid b/c he deserved it than b/c I lost control, yk?


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

I think you did fine, and I would have done the same.


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## Katielady (Nov 3, 2006)

Ditto. It may not be ideal to yell at someone else's kid, but if things were ideal the kids' parent/caretaker would have been there to intercede.

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *liliaceae*
> 
> I think you did fine, and I would have done the same.


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

You did fine. I have no problem using a firm tone of voice with other people's kids if the safety of another child is at stake.

We had a similar experience at a park where an older child was shoving my daughter on the top of a play structure. When I first saw her, I was a little incredulous. When she did it again (and my dd just stood there and took it), I went right up to her and in my best "mama bear" voice said, "You do not touch my daughter." I think it's important that we protect each other, that the children who are being overly aggressive know that we won't tolerate it, and it's equally important that our kids know that we will stand up for them.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *ledzepplon*
> 
> You did fine. I have no problem using a firm tone of voice with other people's kids if the safety of another child is at stake.
> 
> ... I think it's important that we protect each other, that the children who are being overly aggressive know that we won't tolerate it, and it's equally important that our kids know that we will stand up for them.


The second part is exactly where I was coming from, and what I told DH when he got upset with me.

The first part... I think is where DH had the issue. I did not use a "firm tone." I screamed at the kid at the top of my lungs. I was angry and terrified and just shocked and probably several other things, and lost it. I wish I could have used a firm tone instead!


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## ElliesMomma (Sep 21, 2006)

the only thing i don't get is how, if you screamed at the top of your lungs and caused such a scene, how did the other kid's mother *not* notice what was going on with her own child?

i agree that a 5 year old certainly knows not to put his foot in a younger child's face. (!)

my daughter is almost 5 and she adores younger children. she would have been just the opposite, she would have stayed behind your slow moving child, talked to him at the top and played with him for awhile. some children are just plain aggressive. his mother should have been all over him for doing that. he probably does this kind of thing regularly, and usually gets away with it.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

When I get scared I scream out. It is just how I react. I can totally see myself doing exactly what you did because your ds was really in danger at that point.


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## treeoflife3 (Nov 14, 2008)

Screaming was an over the top reaction, but unless you were calling him names and doing more than just being horribly loud telling him not to do that i'd just chalk this up to you live and you learn. You were protecting your only baby in a dangerous situation. If you haven't had any situations like this before, then its okay to have one mess up... again, assuming you were just scary loud.. and no scary cruel.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *swd12422*
> 
> Funny that you should mention maybe he shouldn't have been on the equipment with the bigger kids.... The "little kids" equipment is generally not that interesting to him, b/c he can't climb. When we saw how crowded the playground was, we nearly left until we realized that the only part that was a total mob scene was the little kid equipment. It was crawling with toddlers and their parents and their older siblings who may have been told to stay close, but were causing a really wild environment over there, so we went to the other side where it was quieter.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I understand the climbing bit, my ds is the same! In that case, can your DH go up the ladder with him? With a hand actually touching him at all times? I only say that b/c I was at the playground with my ds once last summer (so ds was about 18mo?) and I was within arms reach but still didn't catch him when he fell from the top of the ladder. It absolutely terrified me, but ds was fine. It's REALLY hard to catch them when they are falling from a ladder - they're going fast and you don't want hurt more than you help, yk?

Then, you get the added protection that its a heck of a lot harder to just go around - b/c if you or dh are on the ladder behind him, a kid would have to go around both of you - what a PITA!


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

You're human. Your reaction was competely understandable. That could easily have been me.

It doesnt mean that you should shout at a 5 yo, and yes, i agree with the man that said thats not how you speak to a 5yo etc etc, but in the moment, your reaction was understandable. I would forgive myself for it.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

While I understand that you were upset, I'm not sure I understand why - if you were within arm's reach, you had to scream at the kid. Why not just grab yours out of the way and tell the other kid he was out of line?

If you were further away, I could see your reaction. But... you were apparently right there.


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## Octopus8 (Dec 26, 2010)

I had a similar situation happen at the indoor playround at the mall - There is a little boat there to play in, room for a few little kids. My 2 year old was in the boat with another toddler, when this 7 or 8 year old girl climbed in and started trying to shove my 2 year old over the edge and onto the floor. I ran over there and pointed right in her face and hissed "Don't you *dare* touch my child. You are old enough to know better not to hurt little kids, what's wrong with you?"

I don't feel a bit bad about it, either, she must have outweighed him by 30 pounds and was twice as tall.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *ElliesMomma*
> i agree that a 5 year old certainly knows not to put his foot in a younger child's face. (!)


That's absolutely true...if the other kid is 5. The OP started by saying that her son looks much younger than he is. My tall, highly articulate 3YO is often mistaken for a 5 or 6 year old. This kid may not have been as old as you think he was. That doesn't make the attempt to kick okay, but it's something to consider the next time your reaction is to scream at a child because you think he's old enough to know better.


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Octopus8*
> 
> "what's wrong with you?"
> 
> I don't feel a bit bad about it, either, she must have outweighed him by 30 pounds and was twice as tall.


This makes me really sad. Kids of all ages make mistakes. And I think this behavior is more commonly seen in kids who are neglected or who have issues like ADHD. I don't think any child, no matter the mistake she has made, deserves to be told that there is something wrong with her.







This kind of vindictive behavior toward her is certainly not going to teach her how to be compassionate.


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## Octopus8 (Dec 26, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *no5no5*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Well, you might have felt differently if it had been your toddler splatted on the ground in tears.


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## sparklefairy (May 21, 2005)

More than one person mentioned removing your child from the situation. While I agree that this is the appropriate response for the world that we have, I hate that it essentially punishes the child who is being treated aggressively (has to leave) and rewards the aggressor and reinforces the aggressive behavior as a result (gets what she wanted in the first place -- the slide to herself). I wish that we could trust that our children could make mistakes without us noticing and another parent could just handle it appropriately. (ie, if it were a conflict between my two, or if mine were the one we wiith the foot in the face, the aggressor would be pulled off the slide and not play on it anymore that day). But the world just isn't like that -- we can't "discipline" other people's kids, and we can't trust that others will "discipline" ours appropriately if we get distracted. And I know from reading enough threads here that if someone's five year old was disciplined by another parent on the playground that almost everyone would be up in arms about that horrible parent, disciplining someone else's child!

I don't think that screaming at the top of your lungs is an inappropriate reaction if your child is in danger of falling from the top of the slide and the person who can prevent it didn't hear you the first time.


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Octopus8*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


My child has been hurt and crying as a result of much-older kids being mean. It upsets me, but it doesn't change the fact that I believe that people are generally good and deserve to be treated with compassion. It certainly doesn't change the fact that I think it is wrong to humiliate and belittle a child, regardless of the mistakes she has made. An adult should be able to refrain from making negative statements about a child's character or worth regardless of how upset she is.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *no5no5*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I have to agree, we're all here b/c we like AP, and want our children treated with respect, I'm not sure why its ok to treat other peoples children disrespectfully b/c of their behavior, but not our own? If your child hurt another child much much younger, how would you feel if you child was addressed in the way that you addressed the child who hurt your child? You would probably be very upset. Or you're thinking, Oh, I'm an AP parent, my child would never ever even think of doing something like that! But it could happen.

I've definitely made mistakes, but I try my hardest to live by the "Golden Rule" - treat others the way you want to be treated. Period. If you don't want someone hissing at you "what is wrong with you?" then don't do it to others.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I think that your reaction was over the top and it scared your son more than it did the kid who had his foot in front of your child's face. He may have been playing or trying to engage your son in play in an inappropriate way (if he wanted to hurt your child he probably would have done it outright), which may be what your husband saw and why he thought your reaction was way too harsh. Every mama gets that mama bear instinct, but I think you can firmly react with it while respecting your child and the child you are reacting to.

The climbing the stairs thing is something you need to help your son navigate until he is old enough to navigate it for himself. Kids tend to climb over and around each other a lot, especially once they are used to playing on a school playground. Getting brushed by another child or brushing into another child doesn't seem to phase kids all that much when they are playing. Some kids are very aware of younger kids and view them as younger kids. Others don't understand that a younger kid isn't just a short child their own age and they treat them the same way they would treat kids their age, especially when they are irritated with them.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *One_Girl*
> 
> I think that your reaction was over the top and it scared your son more than it did the kid who had his foot in front of your child's face. He may have been playing or trying to engage your son in play in an inappropriate way (if he wanted to hurt your child he probably would have done it outright), which may be what your husband saw and why he thought your reaction was way too harsh. Every mama gets that mama bear instinct, but I think you can firmly react with it while respecting your child and the child you are reacting to.
> 
> The climbing the stairs thing is something you need to help your son navigate until he is old enough to navigate it for himself. Kids tend to climb over and around each other a lot, especially once they are used to playing on a school playground. Getting brushed by another child or brushing into another child doesn't seem to phase kids all that much when they are playing. Some kids are very aware of younger kids and view them as younger kids. Others don't understand that a younger kid isn't just a short child their own age and they treat them the same way they would treat kids their age, especially when they are irritated with them.


Seems like OPs original post shows she paid great attention to this dynamic of older kids climbing around her son, she observed it, assessed it, and felt she was ok with it cuz her son was still safe and didn't seem bothered. It was only when the older kid was putting his foot in her son's face (which is hard for me to imagine even for a 3 yr old how that would be "engaging" and seems like something the child knew was not right) that this whole thing became a problem. Also, sounds like her son was navigating the climb just fine, but maybe too slowly for other kids.

Combining this and the post about how it's too bad we live in a world where we have to remove our own kids when things go wrong, I think OP did probably over react a bit (sounds like stern voice might've gotten the kid off your son without the screaming) but OPs reaction is truly understandable given how high up her son was and how far he would have fallen had the older kid kicked him off. That said, I don't believe in removing my child from situations when my child wasn't doing anything wrong, and I have NO problem at all talking to other kids or asking them to point out their parents and talking to their parents about their behavior. The "Village" mentality goes both ways, both for nurturing and support and also for problem solving. I realize not all parents see it that way, but that's not my problem if their kid was bothering my kid and stepped over any clear behavioral lines.

Although we were on a playdate so this was with a child and parent we knew, the kids were both 2 and the other boy literally shoved dd in the face so hard she face-planted on the floor and started crying very very hard. I saw it happen, the boy's mom did not. I went straight over and said "That is NOT ok! You can NOT hit anyone in the face!" I know this boy, so I know he both knew it was wrong but also somehow didn't really mean to heart dd, and he seemed sad she was crying so much. That's fine, and I didn't yell at him, but I had no problem telling him immediately that what he did was not ok and comforting dd. I also didn't leave them alone ever and will not be ever leaving dd there without me, though that mom has invited her for overnights.

I want my dd to learn that the world is a place where she should expect justice, even though she will often see/experience injustice. I want her to learn to both speak up when she feels she's not being treated fairly, and also know when to act or remove herself when things get worse. And I want her to know that her parents will absolutely protect her as best we can, and she won't be punished for another child's bad behavior (like making her leave the playground). We will just be that much more vigilant about protecting her so she can continue playing (which is what we've done when this has been an issue before.)


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Super~Single~Mama*
> 
> I would have taken my ds to a smaller ladder on the playground after it was clear he couldn't keep up with the kids on the ladder. I don't like it when kids are on playgrounds that they aren't really able to keep up on, or that they are too big for.
> 
> That said, sometimes people get really really angry when their children are being threatened, and its a normal reaction. Next time, I would try to pull your ds off the playground when it starts happening rather than getting angry. Oh well, hindsight is 20-20, and children need to know that they don't always do perfect things.


Except he wasn't keeping other people from using the equipment. When the other kid decided to threaten to push him off the ladder, the other kid had already climbed up the ladder several times and was already at the top of the ladder again and instead of going to play decided to turn around and put his foot in the face of someone else trying to use the equipment.

Honestly, I'm surprised the OP was the only one telling the kid to knock it off.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mtiger*
> 
> While I understand that you were upset, I'm not sure I understand why - if you were within arm's reach, you had to scream at the kid. Why not just grab yours out of the way and tell the other kid he was out of line?
> 
> If you were further away, I could see your reaction. But... you were apparently right there.


Okay, that is weird.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


DH and I were both right there, underneath DS. He is a good climber, and I don't worry about him falling much, but b/c there were other, bigger kids around I stayed close. I "had to" scream at the kid b/c as soon as I saw the foot in DS's face, I said, "Hey! Stop that!" and the kid pushed his foot DOWN, not away from DS's face. (His shoe was ON his face.) When I realized he wasn't going to respond right away, I freaked out, thinking he was just going to push all his weight down on DS and make him fall. When I freak out, I scream bloody murder. It's not something I like about myself and want to change, but in the moment I just couldn't keep my composure.

Is that weird?


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Screamed bloody murder??LOL Na, that's not weird at all

I can sympathize with you though with yelling "where's your mother?" I admit I do this more often than I'd like. It seems like people just don't watch their kids at parks. I have 4 and I'm pretty observant of them at parks. I don't even have to hover to really get an idea of what's going on with them. I yell "where's your mother?" because I truly want to find their mother and let them know that their child is not acting nicely.

One of my children (5yo) was admiring another older boy (7yo) once and following him around at the park. I was watching, but the older boy didn't see me. He got my son to where he thought he was out of sight and started beating him! I started running over there and screaming at him...turns out his mother wasn't there...big surprise. I'm pretty sure I told him that if he tried that again, I'd call the police so they could find his mom







Anyway, there's my mama bear story.

I think it's great to speak up to teach your child to be assertive, to teach the other child that someone is watching and that his behavior wasn't ok. I can't imagine taking my child away from the park instead of telling the other child to stop. That, to me, would teach them that they're not worthy. I've had children try to kick one of my children out of their "club" that was in a public place...um, no..it's a public place and you can't make him leave... and now I'm going to stand here, really close to you and make sure all's well Children hate when you do that.LOL (okay, maybe I have too many mama bear stories.)

On another note, I didn't see where you mentioned the other child's caretakers coming to see what was going on??? If someone were yelling at my child, I'd sure be coming over there to find out what was up.


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## grassisgreener1334 (Nov 24, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *chaoticzenmom*
> 
> On another note, I didn't see where you mentioned the other child's caretakers coming to see what was going on??? If someone were yelling at my child, I'd sure be coming over there to find out what was up.


Yeah, I'm wondering about that myself. Maybe the mother hid after realizing that it was her child that got screamed at?









OP--I feel that your reaction was warranted, no doubt about it. You tried telling him to stop in a respectful manner and he didn't listen, your little guy had a foot on his face while holding onto a ladder 6 feet above the ground, it's instinctual to react in a way that will ensure your child doesn't get seriously injured. I think that while a good portion of anger expressed in this society is over-the-top or unwarranted, there are times when it is DEFINITELY needed. We were given strong voices for a reason...we don't need to use them much, but if we don't use them when situations demand for it then we might as well not have them at all.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *chaoticzenmom*
> 
> On another note, I didn't see where you mentioned the other child's caretakers coming to see what was going on??? If someone were yelling at my child, I'd sure be coming over there to find out what was up.


I'm guessing she wasn't screaming all that loud. Maybe she was overreacting, but if she'd really been screaming, I think the other parent would have turned up really fast.


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## Belia (Dec 22, 2007)

What strikes me most about this thread is the following quotes:

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *no5no5*
> I came over to him and hissed in probably the meanest voice I've ever used in my life, "You need to stay away from my daughter."


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *ledzepplon*
> I went right up to her and in my best "mama bear" voice said, "You do not touch my daughter."


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Octopus8*
> 
> I ran over there and pointed right in her face and hissed "Don't you *dare* touch my child. You are old enough to know better not to hurt little kids, what's wrong with you?"


These make me very sad, for some reason. Like its only ok to protect our own kids, but not every kid. Why on earth wasn't the message to the "offending" kids that they shouldn't touch ANYONE in an unkind way???

I dunno... I'm not explaining myself well and I can't figure out a way to say it. I guess I can see a young child, maybe who is already having trouble with social skills, hearing a correction like, "Don't touch my kid" and their brain tells themselves: "OK... I'll go mess around with those kids over THERE."

OP: I think you did the best you could. I would have been scared for my DS too.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *no5no5*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I say "What's wrong with you?" all the time. My family has always said that.... that, and "Have you lost your mind??" That phrase doesn't bother me at all... but, if I heard someone say "Shut up" I would be appalled. I also think saying "butt" is an insult. "Sit on your butt". So, I think it depends on how we were raised. I don't think the mom was actually questioning the child about her possible medical issues.

I also do not think ADHD is an excuse for purposely throwing a toddler off of play equipment. My brother was/is ADHD, and he was still held responsible for his behavior. Nobody EVER said "but, he's ADHD... so, then you just have to deal with it". (my mom overlooked a LOT though, because he was exhausting)

I do think both moms in this thread COULD have handled it better.... but, they didn't, and it's a learning experience. Both moms will have a five or seven year old who will do something selfish to a younger child, and the moms will remember when their own kids were toddlers and they will step in to stop their kids from being mean to the little ones.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Belia*
> 
> These make me very sad, for some reason. Like its only ok to protect our own kids, but not every kid. Why on earth wasn't the message to the "offending" kids that they shouldn't touch ANYONE in an unkind way???
> 
> I dunno... I'm not explaining myself well and I can't figure out a way to say it. I guess I can see a young child, maybe who is already having trouble with social skills, hearing a correction like, "Don't touch my kid" and their brain tells themselves: "OK... I'll go mess around with those kids over THERE."


I can sort of see your point, but I don't think there's a "go mess with someone else" message being sent when people say the things you quoted, they're just referring to the person who is being hurt at the moment (the speaker's child). I also specifically refer to other kids when my kid is doing something undesirable -- I'll say, "DS, watch out for that little girl!" if he's sliding too fast and a girl at the bottom isn't out of the way yet. It would sound really odd for me to say, "DS, watch out for other living things" or something to try to be inclusive, when I'm trying to prevent one particular girl from getting hurt.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Screaming isn't ideal, and the "what's wrong with you" comment isn't great, but I doubt the kid will end up in therapy over it and tomorrow will just be another day for him. Maybe think of a somewhat less intense way of reacting should something like that happen again (maybe a firm "You need to be gentle with other children. Where is your mother?"), but don't stress over it. You're human and you were scared, and I sincerely doubt the older child will be scarred by this encounter.


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Belia*
> 
> These make me very sad, for some reason. Like its only ok to protect our own kids, but not every kid. Why on earth wasn't the message to the "offending" kids that they shouldn't touch ANYONE in an unkind way???
> 
> I dunno... I'm not explaining myself well and I can't figure out a way to say it. I guess I can see a young child, maybe who is already having trouble with social skills, hearing a correction like, "Don't touch my kid" and their brain tells themselves: "OK... I'll go mess around with those kids over THERE."


No, I think that makes sense. And as I said, my usual reaction would be more general: "You do not hit." It was a sort of strange situation we were in in which I told the kid to leave my DD alone and, while I do wish I had done things differently, I still can't think of a way I could have better stopped the behavior in that situation. FWIW, I watched him closely for the rest of the time we were there and he did not pick on any of the other kids.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nextcommercial*
> 
> I say "What's wrong with you?" all the time. My family has always said that.... that, and "Have you lost your mind??" That phrase doesn't bother me at all... but, if I heard someone say "Shut up" I would be appalled. I also think saying "butt" is an insult. "Sit on your butt". So, I think it depends on how we were raised. I don't think the mom was actually questioning the child about her possible medical issues.
> 
> I also do not think ADHD is an excuse for purposely throwing a toddler off of play equipment. My brother was/is ADHD, and he was still held responsible for his behavior. Nobody EVER said "but, he's ADHD... so, then you just have to deal with it". (my mom overlooked a LOT though, because he was exhausting)


Well, perhaps it depends on context and tone of voice, but the way I pictured it it seemed cruel and scary. If she'd said it in a joking tone of voice, or if she had a loving relationship with the child in which the child knew that her saying that did not mean that there was something wrong with her, I would not have the same objection.

And I agree that ADHD is not an excuse, and of course it is not a reason not to correct behavior. But in the situation described, the mother seemed to think that the other child was mean-spirited, and I just meant to point out that there could be numerous reasons a good, kind child would make what seemed to be a very mean mistake. Perhaps the older child was pushed around so much at home that she thought it was normal. Perhaps she knew it was wrong but had trouble controlling herself. Perhaps she was having the worst day of her life. I myself once was accused of pushing a younger child down, and what actually happened was that I patted her gently on the back at the same time that she slipped and fell. I'm sure to all concerned it looked like I pushed her, but I didn't. But regardless of how accurate this mother's perceptions were, my main point is that if you want to teach a child to be compassionate, being mean to that child is not the way to do it.


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## luv my 2 sweeties (Aug 30, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Belia*
> 
> What strikes me most about this thread is the following quotes:
> 
> ...


I totally get what you are saying. It struck me too. I've been in situations where I have to speak to a child who is being too rough or rude to my child (or others). I usually say something like, "He is much littler than you. Please be careful around the little children." In a situation like the OP's I would not have been so calm, but still I would probably have said something like, "You don't put your foot in the face of other children! You could make him fall!"

I totally think it's OK to speak to other people's children, but you have to stick to the behavior and not attack their character. I would have no problem with another parent telling my child to be more careful or to slow down, or even that they are being rude (if indeed they are), but I would not want them saying something like "What a rude kid you are."

As for the OP's situation, I guess I'm in the you-probably-over-reacted-but-it's-understandable camp. Since you say you scream more than you would like, it might help to practice some "firm tone" statements when you're alone in the car or something, so that they are easier to access in high-stress situations.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

I think if you were standing there and he didn't respond to your first comment, but became more aggressive, showing more anger and using a louder voice is a natural progression. If you are a parent who happens to be a yeller in general, your kids may not respond to a quieter command--although interestingly enough my own kids only seem to need *me* to yell and scream to finally react, they react to other people who are much quieter than I am.

I also think it's biologically normal to want to protect our own offspring when we perceive they are in danger, even from other children. I think we protect our own family then tribe then move out from there. But, of course, I also believe in non-violent communication, so I think it's always worth examining how we could handle a similar situation in the future. I don't have a problem with physically coming between another child trying to hit or hurt my child, so a blocking hand with a firm, "No, that is dangerous" might be my first instinct before I move into the kinder speech. But when you're not able to do that, screaming seems like a natural defensive reaction.


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## elisheva (May 30, 2006)

I think any responsible adult in range is responsible for keeping all the children in the immediate area safe. From that perspective, I would prob not reprimand the 5yo with the language "get your foot away from MY child" but perhaps rather, "no kicking!" or "no boots in the face". I try to make it general so that I remind myself that I would do the same for any child I saw being bullied at the playground - not just my own.


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## Octopus8 (Dec 26, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nextcommercial*
> 
> I say "What's wrong with you?" all the time. My family has always said that.... that, and "Have you lost your mind??" That phrase doesn't bother me at all... but, if I heard someone say "Shut up" I would be appalled. I also think saying "butt" is an insult. "Sit on your butt". So, I think it depends on how we were raised. I don't think the mom was actually questioning the child about her possible medical issues.


 I've thought about it more, and realized that I interchangably use "What's wrong with you?", "What are you doing?!", and "WHY would you do that?!" -- Not only with strangers but with kids I know and love, just a verbal tic I guess.

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *no5no5*
> 
> And I agree that ADHD is not an excuse, and of course it is not a reason not to correct behavior. But in the situation described, the mother seemed to think that the other child was mean-spirited, and I just meant to point out that there could be numerous reasons a good, kind child would make what seemed to be a very mean mistake. Perhaps the older child was pushed around so much at home that she thought it was normal. Perhaps she knew it was wrong but had trouble controlling herself. Perhaps she was having the worst day of her life. I myself once was accused of pushing a younger child down, and what actually happened was that I patted her gently on the back at the same time that she slipped and fell. I'm sure to all concerned it looked like I pushed her, but I didn't. But regardless of how accurate this mother's perceptions were, my main point is that if you want to teach a child to be compassionate, being mean to that child is not the way to do it.


 I have no idea what her personal issues/troubles were, the plain fact is a 7 or 8 year old shouldn't be bullying 2 year olds, and there was no way I was going to just sit there and let her hurt my child or the other little guy that was playing in the toddler play boat.


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

I don't know if it's weird, but it is inappropriate. I don't scream at the top of my own children, and I most certainly don't scream at other children either. If something is happening that is dangerous, it may be necessary to speak loudly and firmly, but imo screaming at children is never appropriate.

I also think that it is good to remember that one day your 2 yo will be the 5 yo on the playground, and may well make the same mistakes that you see 5yos making now. And I would guess that you would be pretty upset if another mother screamed at your child.

Gentle discipline should apply to all children, not only to our own, or to ones that we consider to be worthy. If another parent screamed at my child, I would be very upset. You have no idea what this child is like. Maybe he is autistic, or disabled, or any number of things. Or maybe he is just a normal little 5 yo who made a mistake. Whatever the situation, you had no right to scream at him.

Maybe you can learn from this and accept that there will be many occasions when your child is in situations that require you to respond firmly. It is good to work consciously to develop a calm, clear, controlled manner that you can use in these situations, so that you don't react inappropriately and scare and upset other children, not to mention your own. You are modeling appropriate behavior to your own child, so surely you don't want him to learn that screaming at someone who upsets you is right? Wouldn't you prefer him to learn to assert himself clearly and firmly, but not emotionally and dramatically?

Sometimes our mama bear kicks in, but it doesn't mean that our response is right. Our intention may be right, but we can learn to be more in control with our manner of response.

HTH.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *swd12422*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Octopus8*
> 
> I have no idea what her personal issues/troubles were, the plain fact is a 7 or 8 year old shouldn't be bullying 2 year olds, and there was no way I was going to just sit there and let her hurt my child or the other little guy that was playing in the toddler play boat.


No one was suggesting that you should.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

no5no5 said:

No, I think that makes sense. And as I said, my usual reaction would be more general: "You do not hit."

The reaction to that would have been "Duh, yeah I do" (though probably not verbally!). Because the kid obviously does!


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

I think it goes without saying, that everyone here, including the OP, and especially frequenters of MDC, heck even the man at the playground, agree that shouting at a 5yo was far from ideal. This was not a good thing to do.

However, like all of us here, the OP is human, and although some of us never ever shout at our children, and have constantly perfect interractions with all people at all times, even under very trying circumstances, others of us, make mistakes.

Reflecting on how you would handle this situation if it ever comes up in the future, is the way to go. But chastising yourself is not. Mistake made.

The way you described the situation would have really raised my ire, especially since you tried a couple of times to be understanding to this kid.


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## alana1980 (Dec 2, 2006)

This reminds me of the first attachment parenting playgroup that I attended. It was with my first when he was about 10 months old. Most of the other mom's only had one and most were babies and small toddlers. One mother there had a baby and a little girl that was about 5 or so. Looking back, the little girl was not overly aggressive, but also not calm and gentle. Just your typical 5 year old. She was just so much bigger and faster than the little one's. I thought to myself why is her mother not stopping her and my son will be raised AP and with GD and will be so kind, sweet and gentle when he is 5. My boy is now 5 and he is sweet, kind and gentle, but he is also energetic, sometimes makes bad judgements and still does not always have the best impulse control. He does plenty of things that I look at him and wonder why is he doing that, he know's better.

I'm not saying that in the case of the OP and Octo that what the children did was okay, but it was not necessarily abnormal. Your reactions seem to be a little over the top to me, but I think it was coming from a good place of just wanting to protect your little one's. I would try to work on treating other children the same way you would want other's to treat yours. I suspect that now that you have toddlers that are out playing in public play structures more often you will run into these types of behaviors more often.



> Originally Posted by *Britishmum*
> 
> I also think that it is good to remember that one day your 2 yo will be the 5 yo on the playground, and may well make the same mistakes that you see 5yos making now. And I would guess that you would be pretty upset if another mother screamed at your child.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

My own mama bear overreaction came before I was a mother and did not involve protecting any children. Gulp.

A few years ago I was going down an alpine slide. In case you're not familiar with those, it is a concrete track going down a mountain, with sloped sides to contain your sled, which is on wheels. There is a brake lever that allows you to control your speed. So you can go pretty fast but you have to brake a bit on turns. It is possible to go so fast you fly off the track. One of the primary posted rules is that there is no contact between sleds, and an attendant is at the top to ensure there is enough time between riders that one rider won't come too close to another.

Anyway, I'm sliding down and having a grand old time when all of a sudden I get SLAMMED from behind. It was so unexpected and such a jolt it was like my heart skipped and my hands got all sweaty. I look behind me and there is a kid, laughing his ass off. Probably around 10 years old. While I had been going pretty fast, this kid probably was just pushing the pedal to the metal, which is normal for a 10 year old. I then went the maximum speed so he wouldn't bump me again, but still slowed a tiny bit on a curve and that's when he SLAMMED me again. I think the fact that he was lighter reduced friction, so there maybe was no way I could have gone as fast as he could. He was laughing like a manic and I was scared and I was mad. I had felt like I could have completely lost control on the track especially given the timing of when he slammed into me (right on the top of a big curve). Breaking bones was an easy possibility.

What I did next came with no thought at all. I pulled up my brake entirely to come to a complete stop. As expected, he slammed into me again, laughing, but I was at least prepared that time. Now that he was stopped (he couldn't go unless I did) I turned around and told him, in a heart-stopping mama bear voice (not yelling but a lot more than firm - like fireballs shooting from my eyes intensity) that he was NOT to slam into me one more time. Fireballs, I'm telling you. Then I turned forward and descended the rest of the way without looking back. I actually thought I might have just screwed myself, because I figured (I was not a mother, remember) that a kid that reckless and intent on hurting others would not listen to me and probably go on a rampage and then I'd have to walk down the damn mountain carrying a 20 pound sled (or hope someone would call an ambulance if I needed one). Sigh. But it didn't happen, I just went all the way down, then looked up and he was not in sight. I got off and put my sled in the pile, met my husband and then I saw him coming down, going like 2 miles an hour, with a long line of a dozen people behind him, and him crying his face off.

So, yeah, wow, I felt this weird mixture of regret and annoyance and maybe even a little amusement. (Sorry).

I really did feel like he was being unsafe and reckless, and in retrospect I'm sure I could have told him with less intensity to stop it. But the problem was that the stakes were fairly high (I really don't think it was that unlikely that I could have broken bones if he caused me to lose control) and I did not know this kid so I had no idea where his "line" was. I didn't feel I had the luxury of increasing my intensity several times to see which point he would listen, and he had not demonstrated himself to be a careful or obedient kid at that point. So I do feel bad but I think my actions were defensible.

For the OP, I too still don't really understand why her first reaction wasn't to pluck her kid off the ladder when the other kid started pushing his shoe in, if she was right there. That would have been my move, and it wouldn't be because I am so much clearer-headed or anything, but it just seems like it would more immediately remove the safety risk. All I can think of was maybe she was right there but the ladder was so tall that the kids were out of reach. But I do know that when the stakes are high, we might overshoot a bit, and that's just how the cookie crumbles. I'd rather yell at a kid than have broken bones any day, you know? Maybe screaming was excessive, and clearly my eyeballs shooting fire went over the line with this kid, but with those experiences we can fine-tune our reactions. If I could do the slide thing over again, I might have still stopped my sled to get his attention so I could talk to him and also gauge his reaction, but said (minus fireballs) that it's not ok to slam, that I was losing control, and did I have his agreement to stop? I would have known for sure by his face whether we were cool or if I had a problem still, and if the latter, I would have just gotten off the track and let him pass rather than risking anything further. When we know better, we do better. (And I'm sure that lessons were learned by that 10 year old, plus the 7 year old girl in the boat, and so on).


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rainbow_mandala*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


The child's caretakers didn't come over. I asked him where his mother was, intending to bring him over and explain what happened. But I was so shaken up and realized I'd rather get my son down and comfort him, so after he pointed vaguely in the direction of where his mom was, I just said, "Go over to her right now!" I glanced in the direction he was pointing, but didn't see anyone approaching. By the time I got DS to come down the slide and calmed him (and myself) down, the kid was either gone or blended into the crowd. (This was a very large playground, and as I mentioned before, the little kids' area where he had pointed was a total mob scene of parents with babies and some older siblings running amok like wild monkeys. The bigger equipment was practically empty, which is why we thought it was a better choice for DS.)

DS didn't want to leave, and DH absolutely did (he was pissed at me), so we stood there for several minutes, convincing DS it was time to go. A few older kids who had been playing nearby came over to see if DS was okay, and I think I mentioned another mom had come over to say she would have yelled too, but no one claiming to be with the kid who kicked DS came by.

I was yelling pretty loudly, so I'm not sure why no one came to the kid's defense (since, as some of you pointed out, he may have needed it) other than the parents were too busy with a younger sibling and either didn't want to bother, didn't realize it was their son being yelled at, or didn't want to get involved with a crazy lady screaming at the playground.

As for why my first reaction wasn't to grab DS, I don't know. It certainly should have been. DH didn't, either. This is part of why I asked the question. I know I didn't react logically or rationally, and I don't like that. But I also felt that my instinct to protect my son and scare off the predator (so to speak) wasn't completely wrong, either. I just don't know how to be calm in situations like this, and I wish I could.


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Irishmommy*
> 
> no5no5 said:
> 
> ...










If I said it in a normal, friendly voice, I'm sure it would sound like a (false) statement of fact. But I can assure you that the voice I use makes it very clearly imperative (i.e., a command, not a statement).


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Not a great thing but you panicked. It's done and now you know how you want to react next time. Mistake made, forgive yourself, and move on


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## FAmom (Oct 28, 2010)

I debated adding my two cents, but, there is something about this that bothers me. My own opinion, of course.

I wouldn't lose another minute feeling badly about what happened. You didn't hurt that other child. You kept him from hurting your toddler.

A child, that is around 5 years old, knows better. And, yes, even if there are developmental issues, medical issues, etc., if a child goes up a ladder 2 times, without getting to the top, turning around, and shoving their foot in anyone's face that is behind them, they know that on the third time around, it is still also not what you do when you reach the top of a ladder. Even an accidental foot in the face would look more like the kid slipped on the top step of the ladder with them still having forward momentum to go on their way, facing in the opposite direction.... it isn't stopping, turning around, and sticking a foot out.... that is purposeful, with what I would consider ill intent.

To me, what also stuck out was that there wasn't a parent, babysitter, or anyone, that bothered to come over who was there in connnection with that child. Someone should have been close enough to them to see what they were doing, to monitor them, and to be there if something happened to them even. A 5 year old is still young too.... and what if they were the ones with a ten year old shoving a foot in their face?

And as for the yelling, I yell at my kids. I'd like to say that I never had to, or that talking to them worked all the time. It doesn't. If I were the one at the playground, I'd probably first have shot the 5 year old a sort of stern look and said "cut it out... that is not okay".... or something like that..... but, I know if I was a bit further away, I might have also yelled out a "HEY!... cut that out" as I was running toward the situation. I know I would have probably had a few choice words for the 5 year old had they been mine also, including leaving the area.

It is always easy to figure out the perfect thing to have said after the event has happened, when you can sit back and analyze things step by step. In the moment though, your reaction was to protect your child.... who is a toddler... from a "big kid"..... on a ladder. I think yelling at the child happened, don't beat yourself up over it.


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## BabyBearsMummy (Jan 27, 2006)

I think you reacted appropriately. I would have responded the same way. But I question where was this child's mother while all of this was occurring? Or does she condone her son bullying? A child about 5 should be being monitored not allowed to run wild at a playground. They could hurt themselves and others.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

When my dd turns 5, if she's putting her feet ON the face of a two year old climbing a ladder, *I* will be screaming at her and I certainly wouldn't object to the two year old's mother doing so.

I would also expect to have to comfort dd and explain that the adults were worried that the two year old would fall to the ground and be very hurt.

But really, being screamed at is going to do a kid far less harm than falling off playground equipment.

Heck, when I've been away from dd on the playground and she's started pushing an OLDER kid, I've bellowed at her to be gentle. (And immediately moved to be able to monitor more closely for awhile.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Your dh was right there, didn't act, and he's getting on your case about how you reacted? Maybe he's feeling guilty that he did nothing to protect his kid from maybe being knocked to the ground.


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *swd12422*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


. It is good to read that you wish you hadn't screamed and that you are looking for better ways to handle stress. I think that is a good idea, because ime this is not likely to be the most stressful situation that you will encounter with your child in public places. We want our children to model their behavior on our own good behavior at all times, so we need to develop good strategies ourselves for dealing with stress.

I also don't agree with posters who tell you not to beat yourself up, it was understandable, etc etc. I'm not saying that you need to beat yourself up, but sometimes when we do something that we are not proud of we need to reflect on it honestly, and yes, beat ourselves a little, as we process the experience and re-live it, with the aim of donig better in the future. Maybe reminding yourself that you would hate it if someone screamed at your ds would help. Maybe making a conscious effort to have deliberate and frequent interactions with other children in public where you practice and hone your gentle discipline skills would help. Maybe reading more books about non-violent communication would help, or taking a class, with a conscious aim of improving your ability to deal with difficult situations (and children) out in the world.

In your situation, I"d be making a plan so that situations like this wouldn't cause you, or your child, so much angst in the future. These things have happened to me in playgrounds and public places many times in the 10 years that I"ve been a parent, and I have never felt cause to scream at another child, nor have I ever had to beat myself up over a response. That is because I had practice working with children for years before I had them, where I learned the skills of communicating calmly with children even in the midst of a crisis. Sometimes we need to learn skills, unlearn habits, and consciously seek situations to practice them.

Screaming under stress may be a habit, but habits can be changed. You don't want your child to learn that the most appropriate response to stress is to scream, so it's best to start role modeling calm, assertive behavior now. How about seeking good books about dealing with emotions and stress? Or classes, online courses, articles?

HTH


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## marimara (Jan 31, 2008)

My 2 cents is that is was an over the top reaction and you were out of line. Yes, the other parent should have been there. Yes the child was in the wrong attempting to hurt your child. Yes are a mama bear and have the duty to protect your child. BUT you are an adult, and the child was a CHILD. You have control over your emotions and reactions and a 5 year old (I think the OP said the other child was about 5), is still just 5 years old. That is still young. Kids make mistakes and sometimes they are just brats. But it's not your job to parent another person's child. I think the appropriate reaction would be to grab your child way, protect them from the situation (not "removing" them from the situatoin like pps have suggested), reassess from a distance after cooling off, and talking to the parent if possible.You could calmly tell the other child to behave and not attempt to hurt other children, but ultimately you can't control what another person does. You illustrated to that child and to your child how "not" to control your emotions and fly off the handle. Not saying your're evil or anything, just human. We can learn from our mistakes. That's how we grow as human beings. I agree with Britishmum.


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## bebebradford (Apr 4, 2008)

I don't blame you a bit.. YES you could have handled it a bit better, but you were scared. Sometimes it's a natural tendency to yell if we feel someone is not listening and there is danger involved.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

"These make me very sad, for some reason. Like its only ok to protect our own kids, but not every kid. Why on earth wasn't the message to the "offending" kids that they shouldn't touch ANYONE in an unkind way???"

As I've racked up more years in playground experience, I have definitely shifted to talking about Rules In General rather than interceding only for my own kid. It's more effective with the kids, and better reflects my feelings about social rules, and it works equally well whether my kid is the offender or the victim!

OP, honestly, the thing that bothers me most about what happened is that you didn't have the bigger kid's parent standing at your elbow about two seconds after you starting hollering. Clearly, they were paying zero attention, and that's really dangerous at a busy playground where kids can "fade into the crowd."


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## lab (Jun 11, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nextcommercial*
> 
> When I was six or seven, I pulled a little boy's hair. (Because he was following us) I got yelled at, and was told to go home. It hurt my feelings, and I felt bad that the mom was mad at me. But, what I did was wrong. I deserved to have my feelings hurt. I also learned that I wasn't going to be allowed to do anything like that again.
> 
> ...


Love it!!!


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## DasMaedchen (May 10, 2008)

I would have done similar to the OP I think. I work with children so it goes against all my training and schooling to react in a mama bear way, but sometimes there is no way around it.


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## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

I think what you did was fine. If my kid (even at 2.5, like she is now) was going to stomp in another child's face I would applaud another mom for freaking out on my kid if I wasn't around. If my child is in danger of seriously hurting another kid, no matter what the ages involved are, I think yelling is completely fine. Mama bear was definitely called for here.


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## nerdymom (Mar 20, 2008)

I don't think it's ok to yell at a 5 year old, but I understand your impulse to do so. At the playground near our apartment, there are a bunch of latch key kids who are really too old for the equipment but they don't have anything else to do because they are bored and their parents aren't home. DS plays there and has occasionally been picked on. I have always found a sharp "hey" and a healthy dose of the stink eye does the trick.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nextcommercial*
> 
> I might not have believed you when you said my precious little angel child did such a thing to your overly slow child.... because my dear sweet girl never would have done that. Surely you must just be hormonal and mean, and you just didn't see what REALLY happened.
> 
> ...


 And that is the jist of it.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *swd12422*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


This child dint push your son in the face until you screamed at him. Until that point he wasnt pushing into your son. Your screaming prbably caused him to react in an attept to get away from the situation and that was what inciting the pushing.

I think by reacting so fast and loudly, it ended up hightening the sitaution to the degree that your son was actaully in danger. Throwing flame onto fire never calms a situation down.

That child didnt hurt your child, however you ended up upsetting him. And thats what happens when we escalate situations.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Um, what? The kid's shoe was already ON my son's face when I looked up and saw his leg moving around, like he was grinding his foot down. I'm not sure how you decided the kid wasn't hurting my son til I yelled, and I do admit to reacting quickly, but no, I don't just start screaming before anything has actually happened. I'm not THAT mean and hormonal. But thank you.

And yes, I did see what happened, b/c I was standing directly beneath my son, next to my husband. I think you might be missing the small amount of humor that was injected into this thread, and for that I am sorry. My son was the one in danger, and even I can recognize and appreciate a little humor when someone throws it in there.


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## shells_n_cheese (Jun 8, 2009)

Oh jeez. Some of these responses are ridiculous. It seems some think they are so perfect that they would NEVER react by yelling at another child, or their own, during a situation where you have seconds - or even less - to react. It's easy to sit back and judge the situation when you are not in the moment and have time to stop and think rationally.

OP, I think you did nothing wrong.


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *shells_n_cheese*
> 
> Oh jeez. Some of these responses are ridiculous. It seems some think they are so perfect that they would NEVER react by yelling at another child, or their own, during a situation where you have seconds - or even less - to react. It's easy to sit back and judge the situation when you are not in the moment and have time to stop and think rationally.
> 
> OP, I think you did nothing wrong.


Well said!


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

Let me crawl out from under my bridge and introduce myself. I am a Troll. A mean, nasty troll. If you are mean to other people I'm going to call you on it. Sometimes in not perfectly kind, modulated tones. If it's my kid you can bet your buttons I'm going to scream it. I'm not going to apologize. I'm not going to feel bad that a bully (and I'm not saying that all bullies are terrible horrible children who should be permanently exiled) got yelled at. In fact I'm going to be glad that the kid might think twice next time and realize that their negative behavior has negative consequences.

And if it is my kid doing the bullying and I miss seeing it? Yell at her. Please do. Because it is not freakin ok to risk someone else's safety that way even if my own perfect delicate little snowflake is the one being inappropriate. In my experience of the world people aren't nice to you when you do awful things. I feel that has been a good thing because it has resulted in me having both intrinsic (I want to be a kind person) and extrinsic (I'm not real thrilled about getting yelled at) motivation to not hurt other people. I view yelling in defense as not particularly hurtful. Let me tell you, my thousands of hours of therapy have not once included me crying and saying, "And then I...I...I... got yelled at when I was injuring someone else! That terrible person!" Yeah, no.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Welcome to the club of the hormonal and mean! ;-)


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

I was just going by what you stated. And that was after you yelled he pushed his shoe into your sons face.

You said that he didnt hurt your son, but when you yelled it upset him and your husband.

I didnt say anything negative. I said that maybe you yelling caused some escaltion to a situation that may not have happened if you had grabbed your son instead, or not started screaming.

You asked how others would react, and I replied that altho it may have been instinctual, it didnt do you or your son any favors. You escalted a situation. Now you know for next time that yelling only nakes things worse and you will have other tools at your disposel.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Oh, I see... So if I hadn't yelled, the kid would have stopped at pushing his foot into my kid's face at one time. If he hadn't gotten caught, he would have been just fine with a little push, and not continued to try to push my son down completely off the ladder? Sorry, I'm not buying it. I don't know what was in that kid's head, and you definitely don't either.

Yes, I agree that yelling like that was not the best way to handle it. But whether that escalated it is not something any of us can know. The fact that he did it again after I said, "Hey!" doesn't mean he wouldn't have kept at it if I'd been as MIA as his parents were.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

I'm a bit confused. When you asked this:

So I just wanted to hear from some of you who have BTDT.... Was I as terrible as DH thinks I was, or would you have done the same? (Or both?)

I thought you wanted our opinions as parents and possibly educators on why this approach didnt work the way you wanted it to. But when i brought up some logical suggestions you got upset and said I was wrong.

I dont think you were necessarily wrong, but you asked a question and I answred it. I dont know what else you were asking for. I'm sorry if I upset you.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

I did want to hear what you all thought. Not WHY this approach didn't work the way I wanted it to... I never asked that question. My question, as you quoted, was about my gut, instinctual reaction to the situation and just how "wrong" it was. I felt it was "wrong." I do not like to yell, especially like that. I know there are tons of GD mamas here who don't yell ever (or claim not to) or at least aim for that. (I'm in the aiming camp.) But it wasn't my conscious decision to just start screaming. I looked up, saw the kid's foot on DS's face, and said, "HEY!" The kid looked down at me and continued what he was doing to my son, and my fear kicked in that DS would just fall off the ladder, and all I could do was yell -- for help, to get him to stop, to make sure he heard me, whatever. I wasn't able to take a moment to think, "If I yell really loudly at this kid, he'll stop/keep doing it/escalate the situation/cry...." Nope. My brain disengaged and my reflexes took over. I'm not proud of that. But DH (who freaks out in emergencies himself) got ANGRY at me, when all I was trying to do was stop our son from being hurt. So I asked the question here to see if there would be a 100% agreement with him.

If you think I was wrong to yell, that's fine. Obviously, you're not the only one, and even I agree there was a better way to handle it. But you're reading between lines and blaming me for throwing flames on a fire when the fire was already roaring. My son was ALREADY IN DANGER before I started yelling. That's WHY I started yelling. I don't just go around yelling at kids who aren't doing anything wrong. Even I'm not that mean and hormonal.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

You just wanted to know if you were right or wrong, but wanted no actual reasoning behind why we thought you were right or wrong?

But you asked us what we would do.

I think you have explained yourself very clearly. Why would I sit there and say "Your wrong?" I wasnt there, as you stated. And i think that telling someone they are flat out wrong is very ineffective b/c it hurts peoples feelings. I dont wish to do that.

I figured offering some perspective would be more helpful, which was what I thought you were asking for when you asked us what we would do.

.


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## CrazyCatLady (Aug 17, 2004)

I think the situation could have been handled differently/better as well. With out the screaming and freaking out. I can't say I would have been actually angry like your husband was cause I kind of understand why you panicked. But I would have been very embarrassed and it may have come off as angry.


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## FoxintheSnow (May 11, 2004)

I do think "screaming bloody murder" was OTT and hopefully you'll figure out a way to handle those situations better. I've learned in my years as a parent that it's up to me to protect my children. So in that situation, I would've immediately removed my 2 year old from the ladder. It might not be fair or right, but it would keep her safe. 5 year olds still often have a long way to go when it comes to impulse control and adding something like adhd or asperger's just compounds that. Experience tells me that not every kid is going to listen immediately, or the 2nd or 3rd or 4th time they are told something so I need to do what is in my control, and that is removing my child from the situation.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

In reality, I probably would have reacted as you had. In addition, I probably would have marched the older child over to his parent and explained what he was doing to her.

How bad would that be? It depends on how long you yelled. Was it "Stop! Get your foot out of my son's face! How can you do this? Where is your mother?" I'd be OK with that. Was it 2-3 minutes of haranguing? That would be over the top, and you probably should have been able to stop yourself.

While it would be nice to be able to respond calmly and rationally at all moments, when your child is in danger (even if it's perceived danger), it's hard. And I think it's probably good for the other child to experience the real fear that you are feeling. The couple of times my kids did things that were really dangerous (dashing across a busy parking lot type things), it was the words that stopped them, but the emotion in my voice during and after. Luckily, my kids are old enough now that they've got the foresight, and they're generally cautious kids to be begin with. So, I've got a few years of respite before the teenage years hit and I have to fear for the judgment and safety again. I'm sure that emotion will come back into my voice if they do something unsafe, and I won't feel bad about it.


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## rubidoux (Aug 22, 2003)

I'm surprised at how this thread has gone. I would have thought there'd be a bunch of btdt stories. I wonder if the lack of them really means that we mama bears are in the minority.

Anyhow, here's my story: When Milo was probably about a year and a half old we were playing with some friends in an indoor play area in a mall. I was standing about a foot and a half away from him, but I was talking to a mom who was sitting several feet away from me, so I wasn't just looking straight at him, but back and forth between him and my friend. I looked down at one point and saw what seemed to be a sweet little girl (I'm sure she was, mostly), 3 or possibly 4 yrs old, sweetly patting him on the head, looked up to my friend, and then when I looked down again, she had four of his fingers in her mouth and she was biting down as hard as she could, like with head shaking from exertion. OMG! I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. He was my first child and this was the first time anything *bad* had happened to him, and certainly the first time he'd been purposely hurt by another person. I just reacted, did not think about it at all, and had I thought about it, I'm sure I would have behaved differently. But I physically did *something* to that little girl. I moved her with force, though I'm not sure if I pushed her or kind of threw her away from him. And I swear, I think I roared. There was probably only a 3 second period that I really was out of control but I truly don't remember what I actually did and the idea of that has always freaked me out (this was probably 5 1/2 years ago now). The little girl wasn't hurt, thank goodness. But I bet she was kinda stunned by it. And, as a previous posted said, I think maybe it was a good thing to show that girl what my visceral reaction was. My guess is that she had been told many times not to, and probably yelled at and punished and maybe even hit, over biting, but there was something very honest and immediate about my reaction that I'm sure she didn't miss. My reaction wasn't punishing or mean or belittling of her, but it did make clear how her biting made me feel. So who knows, maybe it gave her a reason not to keep biting or maybe it didn't. But I think it was okay in the end.

The good news is... I haven't done anything like that since. It has not been a pattern, at all. There was a post here somewhere where someone seemed to be assuming that you are just a screamer or something, like it's a habit and you reacted that way because yelling is your habit. But I don't think that's what your reaction was about at all. I am not generally a roarer, in fact I believe that was the only occasion in my life where I roared and I never push little kids around. The whole thing felt so much more chemical than that -- like I had a hormonal response, not an "oh, I'm feeling b*tchy bc I'm a woman" kind of hormonal, but a good honest to goodness chemical reaction. I suppose it was probably a good spurt of adrenaline that caused it. And I bet that was the case for you. I really don't think you should beat yourself up about it. I was pretty horrified bc I actually touched the little girl, but the kid you're talking about is not going to be hurt by your yelling. If anything, it could be helpful. Why on earth would a five year old think he'd get away with that sort of behavior in front of the parents of the kid he was being mean to??? Crazy! He may have needed a little dose of reality.


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

First, I want to say that I think we can all understand the reaction. We can all get our fur up when our child is in danger and it is not always logical.

Second, I want to say my reply is about the OP but also the general situation...

There are often a lot of posts about moms of toddlers who get frustrated/angry with the "big kids" (usually about 5-7 yrs old) at the playground, museum, pool or other places with a theme of "mean" or "not sharing". To mothers of toddlers, these kids seem so big and so "kid like" and in control of themselves and their toddlers seems so small and vulnerable. It true- there *is* a lot of growing in that time. But what often does not get addressed is that 5 year olds are not really that *big*. They have not mastered the empathy thing or fully understand why you can't play tackle or rough house with a toddler like another child. They do not understand that *your* child doesn't understand taking turns and will often retaliate when they feel they have had something unjustly taken from them. They don't get that a 6 foot fall is a big deal to push someone off of, or if you pull something out from under someone they will fall. They don't understand that manipulating them in play ("YOU, toddler, go get the shovels and I'll dig!") is unethical. They don't have perfect impulse control and may still hit or kick or push or throw things on occasion. And the flip side is that mothers with toddlers have not yet had the experience that someday, their own 5 year old will most likely do something "not so nice" either. When their children are 5, they will understand that 5 is still very, very young. But they are not there yet and only see the toddler now. But I can say 5 year olds doing these things- It is part of the process, and it is part of this time of life. Most 5 year olds can act very "kid like" most of the time and from the outside it can seem like they have more self control. But there are still "bits of toddlerhood" in there and they have their moments. Do we have to like it? Of course not. But I do think we do have a responsibility to understand it if we share public kid spaces with them.

So, while I understand your reaction, try to put yourself as the mother of the 5 year old... (Yes, she "should have been there" and all that, but imagine your child, at age 5, did this while you were digging in your purse for your ringing cell phone or something). From your description, what you did was more than just a firm tone (or even "yell") to back off or stop. You said you "lost it on him" to the point where a bystander told you that your behavior was inappropriate. Knowing that your young child as a 5 year old would be a good person who was still learning the ropes about how we treat people, what if someone said those things to *your* child when they made a bad decision? What if your beautiful 5 year old had a lapse in judgement (as 5 year olds do and is totally developmentally appropriate) and a stranger "lost it" on him yelling to the point that made adults uncomfortable and other children cry?

I think it is totally OK to stop a child from hurting yours. I think even a firm tone is reasonable. But I think taking charge of your own child and moving him or leaving is your first responsibility and the next is to find the other child's mother and talk with her if it calls for more than that.

I believe the "Golden Rule" applies to dealing with other people's children- Do unto them as you would hope strangers would treat your child if the situation was reversed.

So, while I understand that we first empathize with our own child and that our protective reflex can sometimes cloud our judgement, I think you will need to think about how you will deal with this in the future. I can give you a 100% promise that your child will be pushed, kicked, teased, denied a turn, whatever in the course of childhood (and most will just be the scrapes of life and forgotten 10 minutes later without a big deal, but they will happen). And, I can pretty much guarentee that someday, your child will be on the other end *doing* it as well (and will most likely be an innocent passing lapse of judgement or lack of understanding as they learn, but again, it will happen). This is a great opportunity to think about what lessons you want to teach your son about the words and options he has when he is in a bad spot with others, and about how you can deal with this in the future.

The mama bear can be a strong, powerful force that in some cases, keeps our babies alive and we women and mothers can and should be proud of ourselves for our fierce protection of our children. Truly, the mama bear urges are a gift we have of a force greater than ourselves at times. I know for myself, if my child were in serious and/or intentional danger, only G-d would be able to stop me. But it must be harnessed. The mama bear off-leash can be destructive. Counter-productive. Be proud of your mama bear. But make sure she is pointed in the right direction. A 5 year old does not need (or deserve) the mama bear. He might awaken her out of instict, but then you gotta put the clamp on her and look for other tools. Save the mama bear for when you really need her. Letting the mama bear out of her cage is a last resort, not a first line of defense.

And, for the record, I consider myself a GD mom and sometimes I yell. Like another person said, there is a difference between "loud" and "cruel". GD does not mean that we are always perfect pictures of zen parenting. It means that we can be ourselves (even in anger and frustration) without the cruelty and power and that we try to see these mistakes as chances to grow. I know in my case, that is not always a quiet or peaceful process! In our house, we are ethnic, loud, and deep in the trenches of living life. GD is not about giving up yourself or your own emotions or hiding how you feel. It is about communicating and responding in ways that understand that children are people too.

Also for the record, I currently have a 6 year old AND a 2 year old and sometimes, the mama bear can be in conflict with herself! My 6 year old did some minor "not nice" thing to the toddler, and I remember my mother scolding my 6 year old and my mama bear fur got twisted two ways! My toddler could be hurt! Don't talk to my 6 year old that way! Ha!


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)




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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Great post, Alexsam! My baby girl is only 2.5....and busts the scales and height charts at the docs office. Everyone thinks she is 3.5-4 years old. She also has really great language skills...so when people see her with her binky or acting "two-ish" they give looks, like I've got an out of control 4 year old on my hands! HA, whatever! She's also the oldest kid in a really awesome mom's group I we have been going to for a long time. When she hit about 19 months and started doing the biting and pushing when she was frustrated thing, it was SO awful. I felt so bad, because none of the other kids were doing that, they were still super sweet little toddling one year olds. Well, fast forward a few months and the other kids started hitting that phase Avery had been in, just as she was leaving it and using her words and being really loving and nurturing with the little kids! HA! Now my son is almost 15 mos and he's starting to pull the hair of kids with long locks! Yikes! So, yeah, it's important to realize that early childhood is a series of phases...if you see a kid in a phase you think is terrible...reserve judgment and wait for it, because chances are, at some point, your kid is going to do it too. That being said......

I think it's really easy to sit in your house at your computer and think about the BEST possible scenario...but when you're at the park, this kid has been climbing over your kid a couple of times and so, you're already agitated and then, on his last trip up -------> *he turns around and puts his boot in your kids face to knock him down the ladder* <----- I don't care who you are, even if only for a moment, the rule book goes out the window. Seriously, sit and imagine that, your toddler, struggling to hold on to a ladder as a bigger kid stands at the top with his boot in your kids face. It's making me feel crazy to think about that and I wasn't even there. I'm feeling an actual physical reaction to the mere image in my mind.

So, yeah. The proper thing to do, if we're writing an essay about it after the fact, is to ask him firmly to stop, run and get your child immediately and look for the other parent so they can handle the discipline, whatever they decide that should be. In that moment though, when you are reacting to the possibility of your child falling backwards to the ground....man, it would take everything in me not to tear into the kid like a freight train. That's just me being honest.

I believe in and practice GD in my home. But when I see my kid getting hurt, I turn into a freakin' psychopath. It's not something that happens in my mind...it's a chemical/biological/physical reaction.


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## Lamashtu (Aug 8, 2010)

First of all, five years old is certainly old enough to know that you do not push another child's face with your foot!

Second, I don't think you did anything wrong. Sometimes urgency is called for; he could have seriously hurt your DS.

Last spring I was at the playground with DD and an older child kept stealing her toy. Finally DD got so frustrated she started to cry. I was so angry! I went over to that child and said something absolutely horrible to him and made him cry. Not my finest moment AND a good example of how NOT to react when MamaBear comes out of hibernation.


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## camracrazy (May 27, 2006)

I would have yelled at the kid too. Honestly in that situation I wouldn't be thinking about the "right" thing to do, I would just want to get the other kid off my child and make darn sure they knew that they had better not touch my child in that way again. But then I don't subscribe to the "children should never be made to feel bad or ashamed of their actions even when they are hurting another person" theory. That's just me.

If I was the person on the ladder, and someone of any age was pushing their foot in my face trying to knock me off from a height where I was likely to get hurt, I wouldn't be saying, "I don't want to destroy your fragile psyche but do you think you could please get your foot off of my face so I don't fall and break an arm?"


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lamashtu*
> 
> First of all, five years old is certainly old enough to know that you do not push another child's face with your foot!
> 
> ...


Yes, urgency was called for. Urgency as in ACTION - removing the child in danger from the dangerous situation. Screaming, yelling, losing it doesn't remove the child from the dangerous situation, it just scares them more. When my mama bear comes out, I don't yell and I don't scream - I MOVE. It happened a while back in a parking lot, my friend and I were walking our kids to her car and they were close to us, but not close enough. I saw another car coming and I RUSHED the kids - to make sure the driver knew all of us were there, and to get the HELL out of the way. Screaming doesn't help. Screaming scares the crap out of people, DOING something is what makes people safe or doesn't.

5years is old enough to know, but not old enough to do it perfectly each and every time. Honestly, I probably would have been annoyed as heck if there was some slow kid taking all the time on the ladder.

Also, I don't really blame the other mother for not showing up - she was probably afraid her head was going to come off!


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

"I think maybe it was a good thing to show that girl what my visceral reaction was. My guess is that she had been told many times not to, and probably yelled at and punished and maybe even hit, over biting, but there was something very honest and immediate about my reaction that I'm sure she didn't miss. My reaction wasn't punishing or mean or belittling of her, but it did make clear how her biting made me feel. So who knows, maybe it gave her a reason not to keep biting or maybe it didn't. But I think it was okay in the end."

I've gone through a couple of times with my own kids (as in, one of them crossing the line of safety with another one). I'm absolutely convinced that it's good thing for both the aggressor and victim to see my unedited emotional reaction. It puts the incident out of the realm of typical crime-and-punishment daily stuff and into the realm of the Really Big Deal.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

SuperSingleMama, I totally agree. Of course, in hindsight (and really, before too) I would have much preferred to act rather than yell. I'm just having a hard time reprogramming myself (and wasn't really aware that I needed to, before this happened, b/c I never could have predicted it) to act instead of yell first. Or better yet, think first!

And then I read posts like Smithie's (and others'), and think about the time (yes, it has only happened once) that DS ran from me in a parking lot. I yelled. I grabbed him by the hand and didn't let go. It hurt him, b/c he was still pulling away with all his strength. And once I got him to the car and managed to get him strapped into his seat, he stopped to look at my face and I could see that he saw how scared I was. THAT freaked him out. And then we talked about how scary that was for both of us and why he should never, ever do that again. And he hasn't. So while I hate that I yelled, especially at someone else's kid, I hate even more that the yelling is what seems to get the point across better than anything else. Of course I had talked to DS (every time we're in a parking lot) about safety and why we need to hold hands. But he didn't get it til he got yelled at.

I really appreciate all the responses to this thread, b/c they confirm what I suspected after this happened, and give me lots to think about, every time I see there's an update here. I know some of you think I'm a horrible person for mistreating an innocent child, and some of you wholeheartedly support my reaction (just as the one mom at the playground who saw it did), and I'm truly grateful for getting to read both sides, b/c that's pretty much what I expected to see, and it's how I feel about it, too. (Yes, believe it or not, I did feel awful about it, and was actually kind of glad the guy said what he said, even though in the moment I was not all that appreciative. It gave me a different perspective, and while I felt justified in doing whatever I needed to do to keep my boy safe, it reminded me that maybe I could have been just as effective in doing it another way.)


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *swd12422*
> 
> SuperSingleMama, I totally agree. Of course, in hindsight (and really, before too) I would have much preferred to act rather than yell. I'm just having a hard time reprogramming myself (and wasn't really aware that I needed to, before this happened, b/c I never could have predicted it) to act instead of yell first. Or better yet, think first!
> 
> ...


My child runs from me daily. In parking lots, stores, sidewalks, school - he doesn't stay with me EVER. He's a runner, always will be. My reaction is to keep him safe, not to scare the crap out of him. He thinks its funny when I get scared.

I'm also not really sure how what you did kept your boy safe? I think its more likely that screaming like that would cause the child to lose his balance and then REALLY kick your child off the ladder, or fall down on top of him. It just doesn't make sense that keeping a child safe requires screaming at the top of your lungs when you are within arms reach?

ETA - didn't you also say that before you resorted to screaming your head off you firmly asking the other child to stop? Why weren't you calmly moving toward your son while saying that and then when the other child didn't listen remove your child from the ladder? You DID have time to think - you just didn't. Your first instinct wasn't to scream your head off, it was your second. Your first instinct should have been to remove your child while firmly telling the older child not to behave that way. That does 2 things - removes the younger, more vulnerable child, from the dangerous situation, and lets the older child know that what they are doing is inappropriate.


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## rubidoux (Aug 22, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Super~Single~Mama*
> 
> My child runs from me daily. In parking lots, stores, sidewalks, school - he doesn't stay with me EVER. He's a runner, always will be. My reaction is to keep him safe, not to scare the crap out of him. He thinks its funny when I get scared.
> 
> ...


I don't know... I think yelling could be a good thing in some situations with some children. I think the parking lot situation is one where some fear is warranted and if her yelling communicated to him that it was a serious situation in which it was not okay to run off, then I'm all for that. I don't think yelling in that kind of a situation is going to damage a kid. I think it's much better than most of the yelling that I hear when I 'm out and the yelling that my mother did when I was a kid which was mostly about shaming and disapproving in leu of real parenting.

BTW, it seems like you're kinda coming down on the OP pretty hard. It's great that she thinking about what happened and asking for opinions and it will probably have an impact on how she acts next time. I don't see why you'd jump on her for that even if you *really* don't think she should have yelled at this particular child.


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## camracrazy (May 27, 2006)

I don't think anyone was, "Oh yeah OP, good for you for slapping down the tyrannical 5 yo's of the world! Keep it up!"

I understood it as most people that agreed with her were saying, "Yeah, there might have been better ways to handle it but it that split moment when you think your kid is going to get hurt it's a natural reaction for some." GD is a lifestyle, not something that you impose here or there once in a while. Look at how many mom's post in the GD forum wondering why GD isn't working for their kid at that moment!


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I think it's understandable, but screaming (beyond yelling) and screaming something like "what's wrong with you" seem not compatible wtih GD, regardless of whose child it is. But it sounds like the OP knows that and was looking for some perspective about how to handle this if it every happens again (and something negative with someone's child will), so I dont' think it's anything to come down on her about. Doing something less than ideal and looking for ideas of how to do better next time is nothing to come down on someone about. I get where she's coming from. 5-year-olds look really big when you have a toddler, and particularly when one is hurting your toddler. It's hard to think of them as little kids themselves, and to think through just what to say, and while I don't think her reaction was great, i don't think this kid is going to be permanently scarred by some stranger at the park. And I think it was good of her to come here and think things through more.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

FTR, I was not the one screaming "what's wrong with you" -- my words were all in line with telling him he needed to stop that NOW and never do it again.

As for starting firmly and going to yelling, yeah, it escalated. I tried my best to stay calm. When I first saw the shoe on his face, I panicked a little and then managed to just SAY firmly, "Hey!" And then the force started where he looked me right in the face and shoved his foot downward. That is when I lost it. It was like it escalated so fast I didn't have time to think a second time to really reign in any emotions or actions. It all just spilled out.

And for those who are strongly disagreeing with my reaction, no, I agree it's not GD. And I do strive for GD practices every day. But it obviously doesn't come as naturally to me as it does to lots of other mamas here, and I'm trying. If you had asked me before this happened, "What would you do in this scenario?" I would not have said that I would yell so loudly that it scared not only the kid pushing, but my own kid too. Really.


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## Octopus8 (Dec 26, 2010)

That was me, and if you were to re-read what I wrote, it does not say I screamed or yelled it.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamazee*
> 
> I think it's understandable, but screaming (beyond yelling) and screaming something like "what's wrong with you" seem not compatible wtih GD, regardless of whose child it is.


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *swd12422*
> 
> FTR, I was not the one screaming "what's wrong with you" --


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

I have closed this thread to further discussion due to the fact that it has run it's course and has veered away from it's original intent. Thanks for your understanding.


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