# How to survive having a 3 year-old.



## rockportmama (Jun 24, 2008)

So many mamas seem to do so well with their 3yo's, but I am seriously, seriously struggling here!

What helped you survive? What helped your 3yo survive? Thrive? What's the simple idea I seem to be missing?

HELP!!!!

TIA,
-Rockport-


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## ZanZansMommy (Nov 8, 2003)

Wish I had some words of wisdom for you Mama. I have to take it hour by hour with my 3 yr. old...sigh. It's tough. He seems SO much worse at this age than my DD but maybe I'm just selectively remembering the good parts









Just remember this too shall pass.


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## noah's_mama (Jun 20, 2006)

We're having a tough time as well. Lately, it's constant whining and yelling. It's really gotten to me on some days. I've had to pray for patience many, many times a day. I do wonder sometimes if there's something "wrong" with him, or is this time between 3 and 4 just hard for some children? You're not alone.


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

I used to moderate this forum and I remember the sheer volumn of posts about 3 year olds....and I couldn't quite understand it because mine was not 3 yet. Then she was 3 and I began to have first hand personal knowledge.









I'll share three things that I remember clearly.

1) As hard as it is to deal with a 3 year old, it's even HARDER to BE that 3 year old. It's very hard to have all those emotions and not have the skill and maturity to handle them.

2) Three is hard because it's a tug of war between being a big kid and doing it yourself and being a baby and wanting someone to do it for you. It can be a tough transition. (They re-visit this in the teen years for the same reason - it's the leap across from one point in life to another.)

3) Don't take it personally.


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## demottm (Nov 15, 2006)

I have a 3yo boy right now. Sometimes I feel the same way you do. What I find helps is being outside as much as possible. Sometimes we are out for 3-4 hours a day. It give him space to explore and see new things, to run and scream and just generally be wild. Right now he is trying to give up his nap and that is difficult for everyone. Hang in there.


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## OGirlieMama (Aug 6, 2006)

Well, you can think of people like me who have two 3-year-olds at once, and maybe that'll make one 3-year-old feel easy? OK, yeah, maybe not.









I don't know. They are at their most amazingly cute stage, learning new things constantly and surprising me with how much they can know and do. And then they turn into psychotic wildebeasts. But I try and remember the amazing parts when the wildebeast strikes. Sometimes it works. Sometimes, not so much.


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## LilyGrace (Jun 10, 2007)

One of the biggies that helped was reminding myself what all those undesirable traits would become. Stubborness = determination, Whininess = self expression...and so on. They're only frustrating now because you're on the receiving end and they're still learning.


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## momma_unlimited (Aug 10, 2008)

I am not trying to be a devil's advocate, I am just really wondering aabout this:

Quote:

Stubborness = determination, Whininess = self expression...and so on.
I know some adults who frankly do not seem determined, masters of self-expression, etc. They seem to be stubborn and whine. What if those qualities just stay that way? I guess I am worried that they will so I try to address them every time and explain to my just turned 4 yr old (who hasn't magically morphed into an easy to get along with being *yet*- but I'm still hoping!) how he can rephrase himself in a way that is likely to get a good response/help him get his needs met without creating undue resentment from anyone around him (me now, or others later on).


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## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PuppyFluffer* 
I used to moderate this forum and I remember the sheer volumn of posts about 3 year olds....and I couldn't quite understand it because mine was not 3 yet. Then she was 3 and I began to have first hand personal knowledge.









I'll share three things that I remember clearly.

1) As hard as it is to deal with a 3 year old, it's even HARDER to BE that 3 year old. It's very hard to have all those emotions and not have the skill and maturity to handle them.

2) Three is hard because it's a tug of war between being a big kid and doing it yourself and being a baby and wanting someone to do it for you. It can be a tough transition. (They re-visit this in the teen years for the same reason - it's the leap across from one point in life to another.)

3) Don't take it personally.

I really think you hit the nail on the head. It's hard being three.They are not babies, and not grown up, but they *seem* so grown up, it's hard for us (parents / caregivers) to relate to those tantrums. After all, this is the same kid who got me into a whole dialog on X subject, in such an intellegent way, and now she's kicking and screaming because Abba went to work. It's hard to remember sometimes even though they seem older, they are just three.

Other than that, no advice. Three has been hard for 2 of my kids. One I escaped the "threevil" and the other is TBD.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

What seems to help us is lots and lots of attention and physical activity. My DD is 3.5 and gets upset very easily. One thing that's recently started to help is to ask her if she is angry, then she can talk about being angry instead of just being upset.


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## momma_unlimited (Aug 10, 2008)

I think by 3.5, my son loved a good story so much that this was my ticket to peace. We washed the dishes and I told him Jack and the Beanstalk... we dusted while I told him Goldilocks... it was at times when he was bored or aimless he would start to get involved in behaviours that would aggravate me if I didn't come up with something. Then, when house stuff is done lots of outside time, or in winter fun tactile stuff (making pine cone bird feeders, homemade playdo, playing with pizza or bread dough, setting up elaborate picnics on the carpet, making under the table forts; to replace playing outside). I think the number one relationship killer- thing that made our relationship deteriorate- would be when he felt aimless and bored. That would be when the whininess and antagonism would come out; he would start asking for stuff over and over and when I said no to unreasonable requests he would get in a bad mood and grump around. I liked the Waldorf method of "breathe in, breathe out"- a more introspective activity (like cleaning or reading stories) followed by a more expansive activity (like playing outside, doing something loud or full of movement) and it came in handy a lot to balance our lives- 40 minute intervals seem to work good for us.


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## LuxPerpetua (Dec 17, 2003)

I don't know what issues you are facing, but I have a 3 yo who has been through rough patches but for now is pretty easy going. DD hits her "stage" early so we went through classic 3 yo stuff around 2.5. During that time we had lots of meltdowns, lots of need for control. The world would end if she was not the one who flushed the toilet, started the washer and dryer, started the dishwasher, pushed the buttons on the microwave, unlocked the door, etc. For about 3 months I felt like a prisoner in my own home. What helped for me was letting her get this impulse out of her system. I gave her as much control and authority as possible. If I did something that she didn't want me to do I got down on her level and apologized and sympathized and tried to compromise. I also used Toddlerese (from The Happiest Toddler on the Block) during meltdowns, and that helped: Emphatically repeat what they are feeling--You want to do it your SELF! You WANT to do it yourself! Yes, your SELF! SELF! SELF! SELF! etc. That helped diffuse the situation usually. And sometimes I just held her while she cried for an hour. After about 2 months I started trying to test and see if I could "take back" some of the control I had handed over. I began occasionally flushing the toilet when she was in another room and could hear the flush but might not think about it, etc. Eventually it worked. She still likes to be involved in everything now but the world doesn't end if she isn't. Now, for the most part, she's really easy going. I hope you find a solution that works for you! I remember we also stayed home a lot during that time because I just could not deal with the issues when we were out and about. It didn't last forever, though.


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

Lux, what great suggestions!

And you are so right, it doesn't last forever. Like all things kid....it's a phase.


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## Champ1437 (Apr 17, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PuppyFluffer* 
I used to moderate this forum and I remember the sheer volumn of posts about 3 year olds....and I couldn't quite understand it because mine was not 3 yet. Then she was 3 and I began to have first hand personal knowledge.









I'll share three things that I remember clearly.

1) As hard as it is to deal with a 3 year old, it's even HARDER to BE that 3 year old. It's very hard to have all those emotions and not have the skill and maturity to handle them.

2) Three is hard because it's a tug of war between being a big kid and doing it yourself and being a baby and wanting someone to do it for you. It can be a tough transition. (They re-visit this in the teen years for the same reason - it's the leap across from one point in life to another.)

3) Don't take it personally.

some good points/advice there
Mine is now 2 1/2 but very mature for her age compared to friends her age, and I have been getting these days sometimes, and a lot more lately. We just make it through day by day. It's hard not to get stressed with all the screaming, etc.. Esp when you have other babies.


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## joeys_mom (Feb 11, 2007)

We stay home more now too. It is just so hard to get DS to leave places when he is having fun and getting anything done, like grocery shopping, is next to impossible.

I agree that outside time is very helpful. It is just getting warm enough here to get outside more. I just have to be prepared for 2 hours minimum at the park! He is now riding his like-a-bike really well and that helps eat up lots of time.

I'm just glad he'll be close to 4 when this baby arrives.


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

You survive by repeating to yourself, "every day, we're on day closer to four..."







Seriously, though, at least with my son, four is WAY better than three!


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## indeospero (May 23, 2005)

Hug your child when you feel *least* like hugging him -- when you're angry, furious, frustrated, feel violent. Hug him, breathe, close your eyes, and meditate on some timeless moment (for me, the first time I held her after she was born). I am not always able to follow my own advice, but when I do, I find it's magic. Not only does it help me to calm myself down (and calmness is contagious), but it also reestablishes connection between me and my dd. IME, this age range is all about connection: children this age are experimenting with what disconnecting from you feels like, and it's our job as mamas to keep "collecting" our kids and re-opening a strong connection.

It's not a discipline book, per se, but I a book I've read this year that has helped me enormously is *Hold On to Your Kids*. One of the things that makes this age difficult is that we're moving beyond a lot of the AP stuff that applies to babies, e.g., babywearing, BF, co-sleeping -- not that many families aren't still doing these things at 3, but these modes of attachment alone no longer fulfill a 3yo's need for connection. We have to find new ways to help the connection, the attachment, evolve and stay strong. Hold On to Your Kids is all about what "attachment" means, beyond the baby years.

Also? Babysitters, grandmas, maybe nursery school. It has been a relief to both my dd and me to escape the intensity of our relationship for a few hours here and there. She had a 13yo friend/babysitter (who has, alas, moved away







) whom she absolutely adored, and we've done a few mornings a week of nursery school this year, too. It has been tremendously helpful to us during this difficult phase to cultivate other strong relationships for my dd with adults other than us, her parents. She has really thrived from spending some time with these other important people in her life.

I know the "This too shall pass" mantra works for a lot of people, and I won't disparage it. But to me that feels like trying to escape the present, rather than embracing it. It's bee more helpful to me this year to try (try!!) to be grateful for the present moment, no matter how difficult. IME, the more difficult things are, the more opportunities I have to learn and grow.

Wishing all the best to all the other mamas of threes!


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *indeospero* 
Hug your child when you feel *least* like hugging him -- when you're angry, furious, frustrated, feel violent. Hug him, breathe, close your eyes, and meditate on some timeless moment (for me, the first time I held her after she was born). I am not always able to follow my own advice, but when I do, I find it's magic. Not only does it help me to calm myself down (and calmness is contagious), but it also reestablishes connection between me and my dd. IME, this age range is all about connection: children this age are experimenting with what disconnecting from you feels like, and it's our job as mamas to keep "collecting" our kids and re-opening a strong connection.

It's not a discipline book, per se, but I a book I've read this year that has helped me enormously is *Hold On to Your Kids*. One of the things that makes this age difficult is that we're moving beyond a lot of the AP stuff that applies to babies, e.g., babywearing, BF, co-sleeping -- not that many families aren't still doing these things at 3, but these modes of attachment alone no longer fulfill a 3yo's need for connection. We have to find new ways to help the connection, the attachment, evolve and stay strong. Hold On to Your Kids is all about what "attachment" means, beyond the baby years.

Also? Babysitters, grandmas, maybe nursery school. It has been a relief to both my dd and me to escape the intensity of our relationship for a few hours here and there. She had a 13yo friend/babysitter (who has, alas, moved away







) whom she absolutely adored, and we've done a few mornings a week of nursery school this year, too. It has been tremendously helpful to us during this difficult phase to cultivate other strong relationships for my dd with adults other than us, her parents. She has really thrived from spending some time with these other important people in her life.

I know the "This too shall pass" mantra works for a lot of people, and I won't disparage it. But to me that feels like trying to escape the present, rather than embracing it. It's bee more helpful to me this year to try (try!!) to be grateful for the present moment, no matter how difficult. IME, the more difficult things are, the more opportunities I have to learn and grow.

Wishing all the best to all the other mamas of threes!









Excellent post!









I was looking forward to this fall, when DS will start public school (maybe), and I was going to enroll DD in Pre-K. But the school district nixed it. She turns four on Sept. 19, and their rule, carved in stone somewhere, is that they have to be four ON or before Sept. 1. She missed getting to start "school" by 18 days.







It was going to be a half-day getaway for her and me both. Alas... It means she will be able to start with the four year olds 18 days before she turns FIVE... next year. *IF* I do public school - after this, I don't know.

My strategy is much the same as a pp's, I attempt to let her have as much control as she's demanding, within reason, like with turning things on, putting clothes in the dryer, helping with dishes, etc. She can't help cook, obviously, but she helps set the table. She gets to choose our vegetable with dinner. She may not get to choose her bedtime but she can choose her bedtime story, and her nightclothes, etc. I also do a lot of outside play, or in the garage when the weather isn't cooperating, so she releases some energy that way. She gave up her nap quite awhile ago, so we do afternoon quiet times where she can choose a quiet game or a book to read while the baby takes his nap and big brother does some school.

When she melts down, I try to listen to her, to figure out what the trigger is so we can do something about it. Doesn't always work. Sometimes, she just flips out. I can only be near my screeching, wild-eyed heathen as she flies apart at the seams, let her know I'm there when she's worked some of that angst out, and just remind myself that she is my precious girl, the only baby girl I'm going to be able to raise out of the three I've had. My perspective changes as soon as I remind myself of that, and I can keep my temper a lot more. She's been the most challenging 3-yo I've had so far, but of course there's one more behind her, so we'll see...


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## Love_My_Bubba (Jul 4, 2006)

OP--thank you for this thread. I'm feeling like a pretty rotten momma right now and reading this soothed my raw emotions a little bit.

Posters--Thank you too, it does help to know that we're not the only ones dealing with the "Throes of the Threes."


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## XanaduMama (May 19, 2006)

Thank you for this thread. It *is* certainly one of many (which is a comfort in itself, I suppose), but having a new one is timely for me. I like to think of 3 as an illness, with symptoms that flare up at certain times and subside at others. After a relatively easy couple of months, we're back in the thick of it. I alternate between







and







and...I don't know, just







:.

Some of these posts have been really helpful, though: thank you.


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## CarenSwan (Sep 29, 2005)

This is such great encouragement to me right now! Thanks to all the mamas who posted here. It's a good reminder to re-read "Hold On To Your Kids." It made a big impression on me when my dd was a babe, but i'm sure it would have even more importance now.


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## jillmamma (Apr 11, 2005)

I am on my second go-round with a 3 year old. This one is EXTREMELY strong-willed and a drama queen to boot. I have found that making sure she stays well fed and rested (not overtired or too hungry) makes a big difference in her behavior. For us, when turning 3, our biggest "battle" was the potty. Especially frustrating for me when I knew that she KNEW how, but did not WANT to. Poopy underwear SUCKS! I completely agree with the PP who gives choices and allows autonomy when possible. She wears a uniform to preschool, so no she can't wear the purple rain boots to school, but we can choose blue shirt or red shirt. Or we have to get dressed, so do you want to put on your shirt first or your underwear first? (I learned this the hard way when I have tried to help her, and gotten some clothes on, only to have her turn around and take everything off again and do it herself the way she wanted to.) Or do you want to climb into the carseat yourself or have mommy help you get in (but we have to go now)? Also, giving warnings before we change things helps (5 more minutes at the park, and we have to go, or one more time down the slide and we have to go). Getting some down time every day helps too...if she does not want to nap, fine, but she at least needs some quiet time playing by herself in her room, so mommy can rest too (more than half the time she ends up going to sleep). Tantrums, I just try to remove her from the situation and deal as best as I can. Sometimes a glass of wine or beer after she is in bed helps too.







I also try and remember that this too shall pass, and they end up growing way to fast...my sweet boy is already 6! Seems like he was just 3 yesterday.


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## eastmillcreekmama (May 22, 2007)

Many thanks for this thread. I've been away from mothering.commune for a while, and came around looking for weaning party ideas, but thought I'd check in with the GD folks...I have been feeling SOOOOO frustrated with my 2.75 yo lately, with the screaming matches, tantrums, strong desire to do inappropriate things, etc. etc. It helps to hear of others feeling the same way!

Grateful for all of you!

My husband is mostly really good at pre-empting meltdowns by keeping one step ahead. I really related with the poster who mentioned boredom and idleness being a trigger for their child. Keeping ahead with exciting and interesting things seems to be a useful strategy for reducing the incidence of rediculous and crazy behavior.


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## mom2ewc (Feb 17, 2007)

I'll take two years over three years any day.

My 3yo son DOES-NOT-LISTEN-TO-ME-AT-ALL.

If we could just mosey along all day, doing whatever he pleased, we'd be fine.

However, there are certain things that must be done (i.e. getting dressed, going pee pee, getting in the carseat if we're leaving the house, leaving the house, going back home, etc.)... and he just does NOT want to do any of these things. Transitions are horrendous. I dread them now too... because it feels like the entire day is one big hassle.

I've tried playful parenting, singing songs, giving "time warnings", giving lots of lead time, expressing expectations ahead of time, begging, pleading, cajoling, threatening, bribing, you name it. Nothing is working. I feel like all we do is battle over the things that need to happen every day.

The fact that he still refuses to poop in the potty drives me nutso. He knows when he has to go, but he will hold it until I put a diaper on him. Then he yells at me NOT to touch his pee-pee when I'm cleaning the poop off... and refuses to open his legs. Fun stuff.

Any "natural consequences" that might arise from him not listening to me only hurt me, not him. So I'm left feeling like I have absolutely no options anymore. I am threatening more than I would like... and I pull out his middle name more than I would like, too (for some reason, the middle name gets a response).

With a little babe around... I understand that my patience may be wearing thin... but I'm seriously at the point where I'm ready to just let him sit in his p.j., poopy diaper, etc. all day... never leave the house... and just feed him whatever... rather than get in these battles with him.


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## majorsky (Oct 31, 2005)

I thought I'd








this for more input on three-year-olds...

I feel fortunate that my three-year-old DD is generally easier to deal with than some other children her age, but of course we have the typical frequent emotional breakdowns, refusals to cooperate, and problems with listening to instructions. It's been a bigger challenge lately because I'm heavily PG with no family help (other than DH) and I'm really physically and emotionally tired of dealing with some of the issues.

The latest big problem has left me feeling a little blue. My DD has a good friend she's known for almost two years now and I have to end their relationship. For about a year, this three-year-old friend frequently encourages my DD to run away from their parents and into dangerous situations, e.g. out of sight in a public place, towards parking lots & streets, etc. The problem has escalated to the point where the last three times we've gotten together with this other child, either my DD and the friend have run away together or the friend has *constantly* tried to get my DD to run away and I've had to physically restrain my DD the whole time.

The other child's mom doesn't seem to be as concerned about the issue and doesn't make a lot of effort to stop it, and it's taking a toll on me now. At 7 months PG, I had to chase my DD and her friend across a large park as they ran toward a busy street because the other mother first dismissed their running as not a big deal and then finally moved very slowly toward the girls to stop them. I'd had enough watching this other mother's lack of action and ran after the girls myself, of course triggering Braxton Hicks contractions for the next 3-1/2 hours.









My child has not done this dangerous behavior with any of her other friends. I've worked with my DD for the last year trying to explain to her why it's dangerous to run away from her mommy, I've given her alternative ideas for saying no to her friend (such as saying, "No, let's go down the slide" when her friend says "Let's run away from our mommies"), and I've used natural consequences like telling her we will leave the park immediately if she runs away and then I follow through with it. NOTHING has worked -- if anything, the problem has only gotten worse. I've been so exasperated.

I've spoken to the other mom about this on multiple occasions and expressed that I try to avoid getting the two friends together in unconfined places, but I can't always control the situation. Our larger group has field trips and park days and I don't always know when my DD's wanderlust friend will be at these events. That's why I've continually worked on communicating the dangers of running away to my DD. I've also suggested making a game of "red light, green light" to the other mom, but she generally doesn't seem interested in doing much behavior modification with her child.

I made the decision yesterday that my DD can no longer play with this friend, EVER. Not even in enclosed areas because I see a subtle difference in my DD each time she spends time with this other little girl. After my DD has a running away episode with her friend, I see my DD increasingly starting to try to run away from my DH and me in public. I read _Hold On To Your Kids_ (Neufeld) recently and now I'm thinking, "Am I witnessing peer orientation and peer pressure in three-year-olds???????"

It breaks my heart because we are the longest members of our playgroup (nearly three years) and now we have to drop out because of one other child in the group.







: I feel angry about the situation and sad that my DD seems to lack the ability to say no to something that she seems to know is dangerous, and I'm angry that I've gotten little to no support from the other moms in our playgroup while I'm heavily PG and physically trying to stop my DD from running away.

Kristin


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## mystiquesmom (May 20, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2ewc* 
I'll take two years over three years any day.

My 3yo son DOES-NOT-LISTEN-TO-ME-AT-ALL.

If we could just mosey along all day, doing whatever he pleased, we'd be fine.


My DS doesn't listen to me at all, either.

This thread is very comforting. I must repeat 'this shall pass' over and over again to get through the days. Thankfully, he is in preschool during the week. With a 3 month old DS on top of an extremely stubborn DS, I would have lost my mind by now.


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