# What are your thoughts on forcing kids to share?



## vermontgirl (Aug 15, 2006)

I have been really thinking about this a lot lately because I am seeing two different approaches to sharing and I am struggling a little. My instinct is that we should share all the time with most things-but that it is ok for there to be a small amount of things that are special. For example, Harvest has a dolly that his auntie made him and he gets downright upset when a little girl comes over and claims it. He also really doesn't like to share his bike-which I personally think is ok since there are other ride on things for kids to use. I feel comfortable saying to other children that this is special to Harvest and that there are many other dollies to use-or that this is Harvests special bike so you will have to use one of the others. I have seen other parents saying this as well. "This is Suzies special princess dress. Here are all the other dresses that you can choose from!"

I have also seen parents make their kids share everything. I have a good friend the other day who told me right out that she disagrees with me and that she makes her two boys share everything-even if they are connected to it. She thinks that these are just items and that we are teaching our children to be selfish and materialistic if we allow them to cling to something and not share. I understand her but I do not agree. My husband agrees with her though.

My instinct is that I don't want to force him to share things that I know are important to him. I also don't want to put everything away when people come over. I think it is a tough lesson for kids to learn that they cant have everything they want and it is ok to tell a child who is 3-6 years old that it is Harvests special thing and that there are other things to choose from. Especially if there are like 2 special things and like 100 things he shares. I don't go to other adults houses and force them to share everything with me. Yesterday I opened the Dr Sears Discipline book and found out that he agrees with me.

Alright, lay it on me. What are your thoughts? How do you handle sharing when you are at your house?


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## spmamma (Sep 2, 2007)

We're not quite there yet as DD is only about 2 and doesn't have any special things at this point. But, in reading your post I remembered what my folks used to do when we had something they knew we wouldn't want to share. If another child was coming over, they'd talk to us about sharing the favorite item, and if we didn't want to share it then we put it away in my parents' closet during the visit. As a child, I really liked the fact that my parents helped me find a way to avoid hurt feelings and fights over a special toy.

I'm sure this isn't the best method, but it did work to avoid making us share and at the same time avoid hurt feelings. I'm interested to see what others do.


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## krystyn33 (May 30, 2006)

I think sharing can be extremely difficult for young ones--some probably more than others. When DS (age 2) does "share" I doubt it is because he is being considerate of the other child's feelings as much as he isn't concerned with that particular object at that moment.

To work out the conflicts that come up over coveted items between DS and another 2 year old we play with regularly, I talk about taking turns--not forcing, but I describe how his friend would like a turn (and vice-versa) and invite him to take turns when he is ready. That's worked well for us--they play at taking turns like it is a game.

When DS is older and shows a strong preference for certain things he indicates he doesn't want to share, I would support that. After all, I'm not keen on lending out my laptop! Even now, when we have a playdate and he is resistant to giving another child a turn, I explain to that child that DS really wants to play with X right now & suggest something else. It just seems to me that the more I respect his feelings, the more likely he will grow to respect the feelings of others as he becomes developmentally capable. He's already showing steps toward this.


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

My dd (3.5yo) is a very private person- very sensitive about her personal space. We have rarely had problems when just one or two friends come over- she's generally pretty excited to have someone to do all these pretend games with that I get sick of playing (doctor, store, house, etc.) When our couple of friends suddenly exploded into a large playgroup several months ago, we actually pretty much stopped having folks over- I really didn't feel like it would be fair to her for me to invite 10+ other kids to her house to play with hre things. I don't think this is teaching her to be materialistic, I think of it more as respecting her private space and her own things-- I woud definitely not like it if dh invited a dozen women over to try on my clothes, monkey around in my kitchen, etc.! When we invite friends over now, we make sure to limit it to one or two other kids, and I always discuss it with dd first- who would she like to have over, make sure she understands that they're all going to be playing with the things in the playroom, etc. (we also put special items away) We went through a stretch where she would tell me that she did not want to have so-and-so over, she did not want to share. Now we're at a place where she'll often initiate the conversation "mommy, I want ____ to come to our house- I want to share with her." I feel pretty good about the approach that we've taken


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

i think it depends on the age of your children honestly. toddlers are notorious for not sharing, and i think parents need to involve themselves to help navigate those situations. it's just part of toddlerhood. my kids are almost 8 & 5. so i do expect them to share and treat others with the same kindness and respect that they desire. however, i agree with you regarding your son's doll and bike. my ds has a "baby", which is a blue blanket. i would never expect him to share that with anyone. it is his special blanket, and there is no reason to let others hold it. i think sharing a bike would be kind of course, but i wouldn't force my kids to do that either. i've never really "forced" my kids to share anything actually. when my dd was about 3ish? and went through a phase of not wanting to share _anything_, i told her she didn't have too share a thing. but i also let her know we wouldn't be able to have playdates at our home, because it isn't fair to invite friends over & then tell them everything is off limits. we didn't have playdates for about a month at our home (we went to public places) and soon after she was ready to have playdates at our home again. you could also let your kids put a few things away before guests arrive... if they don't want certain toys played with - have them put those things away. bottom line, i don't think having a couple of special things off-limits is a big deal at all. however, i did hate when my kids were little and other kids wouldn't share their stuff. it made for super lame playdates & we usually didn't hang out a lot with people like that. i think in your situation it sounds fine though. hugs


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## L'lee (Dec 6, 2005)

There are times when sharing is appropriate, and there are times when it isn't and kids need to learn that. I agree with you that kids should NOT be expected to always share. We adults don't always share! Nor should we, at least not in our culture. Would you share your laptop? Perhaps with a close friend or relative (maybe NOT!) but certainly not with a stranger who wants to take it somewhere with them?! Would you share a different expensive item, house, or car with a stranger? Are you comfortable sharing your partner with another man/woman? etc. Some people may be comfortable with these scenarios, but many/most people are not.

I agree with putting things away that are special and that kids don't want to share when others are over. That helps to avoid that particular type of problem. I also make my son leave his important toy(s) in the car when we go to a playgroup at someone else's house or a playground.

To expect children to always share with others is oversimplification. Of course there are times when sharing is appropriate, but just because someone asks for something, your child shouldn't be expected to just give it up in the middle of playing with it (unless it belongs to someone and has to go home with them or some such similar scenario - there are always exceptions!) but also there may be some time limit you have to set if your child attaches to a new toy and won't give it up for a long period of time. However, this is always arbitrarily set when an adult intervenes and says that it is time, and you can expect the child to be upset unless they feel empowered. A friend of mine was talking about Montessori mom & toddler/preschooler classes where the adults were asked to sit back, observe and let the instructor intervene because "parents always jump in too soon and should let the children work these things out amongst themselves much more in order to learn from the situation". I thought that this was pretty interesting and insightful. Of course the teacher would intervene if someone is in danger or if a child is bullying others, but I think it is a good point that we need to let them learn instead of always taking over the situation.


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## earthymomma7 (Jun 2, 2009)

I have heard that not allowing your child to have at least a few items that are ONLY theirs, that they are not required to share, makes them feel that they aren't in control of anything in their world. The sense of ownership actually helps with self-esteem and confidence as well as giving them a sense of security that they are not completely out of control. Also it supposedly helps with sharing by allowing the child to claim ownership over a few things instead of all things, if that makes sense. I think you are doing great!


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## ambivamom (May 2, 2007)

In our house, if the child does not want to share the toy, we put it away until the other kids are not around any more. That's something I remind them of, and try to head off problems by talking about it ahead of time.

I agree that children should have ownership. They can decide not to share, but recognize that if other children WANT that toy and it is a bone of contention that can't be worked out, then it's best to put it away until they can have their own alone time.

With younger kids (~3 or younger) I just know not to get too far away so that I can use distraction and mediation if problems come up.


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## Mrs.Burke (May 14, 2009)

Sharing is not to be forced specially with small kids for they are naturally
selfish but they would eventually learn how to share specially if we lead by example.


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## JennifaBest (Jan 4, 2008)

I don't think that children should be forced to share. That's not really "sharing" at all when you think about it. Unless the spirit of giving and generosity is there, it's not sharing. So really it is impossible to make someone share something. You can take their things and give them to someone else, but it doesn't mean they are sharing them if it doesn't come from their heart.

When our kids are feeling a bit snarky and not wanting to share things with other kids we have a few tricks to deal with it. One is to play a game not involving toys (ring-around-the-rosy, duck-duck-goose, red-light/green-light). Sometimes I'll bring out the playdough which doesn't belong to anybody, and we have several small rolling pins, cookie cutters and such - so there are plenty for everyone. Or I'll bring out MY basket of toys and model sharing by sharing MY things with the children who are visiting. One of the best ways to teach sharing is to model it by doing.


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

Yeah, we try to lead by example, and we might talk about allowing someone to take turns with a toy, because it would make them very happy. But we also focus on how to decline to share politely, like saying, "I'm having a turn with this right now," or "I don't feel comfortable sharing this" or even "This is my special doll." DD shares willingly with most of her toys, so I find this all totally fine. A good balance. Just like I would expect her to have as an adult-- I agree, we aren't always expected to share everything!


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

i don't force her to share her own toys--unless we are having a playdate at our house, and there's nothing else for the other kid(s) to play with. even then, i don't make her share her special dolls.

i do insist on sharing when the thing doesn't belong to her in the first place. it drives me bonkers when parents just go "well, it looks like bobby doesn't want to share" when DD wants to play with the choo choos at the children's museum. hello! they are not bobby's choo choos. if you can't share COMMUNAL property, then you need to stay home where the toys are yours.


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## Serendipity (Nov 12, 2005)

We don't force sharing but we do encourage it.

I talk to her before hand if we are meeting friends somewhere and we talk about what would be appropriate to bring, what people might want to play with and how we'll handle it.

My daughter was continually getting upset at the park when other kids would use her sand toys. I finally bought a set all one color that's hers only, and a set in another color for sharing.

We have avoided play dates at our house for the last 6 months or so because she was not OK having people come into her room with her stuff and play. I'm babysitting some kids for a little while next week and talked with her about it. We agreed that we would bring some blocks, the marble run, some cars, balls etc. out in the livingroom for the other kids to share but her room would be off limits.

I also willingly share most of my stuff with my kids. My daughter loves trying on my clothes and jewelery and shoes. We share craft supplies. When she asks to borrow something we talk about how nice it feels when people share with us.

So, a combo of respecting their feelings, creative strategies, but also modeling, talking, and guiding.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

My thoughts on forced sharing is that sharing isn't sharing if your made to do it. I'd rather my children see that sharing is a wonderful thing and choose on their own to do it.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

If someone comes over to our house, I tell ds to put away stuff that he doesn't really want them to play with. If it's out when they get here, I insist that he let them play with it.
He's never had anything that was really special to him though, so I'm not sure what I'd do there. I imagine that if it's one toy, I might apologize to the other child, and put the toy away for the time being.

I don't make him give a toy he's playing with to another kid, in the name of sharing.


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## webjefita (Aug 16, 2003)

I don't "force" my kids to do anything I can think of, I think "force" makes me think physically taking something from them or doing something to them. But I do insist they do certain things, like sharing most things the way you described. We don't have a hard and fast rule, but most of the things we own can be used by anyone in the family. Then there are special things, new toys, etc. and we do the same as you do, we just explain "that is Ben's new toy, it's special to him," etc. This works great for us, even between siblings.

Other times it's , "Josh wants a turn, you're going to have to share. Tell him in how many minutes you'll be done." etc.


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

I agree with you. Adults share way less than children and it's seen much less appropriate in adult world to ask a colleague, for example, to share their personal things with you. So why do we force children to share?
There are special situations when I expect my 4y/o ds to share, like when he has guests; if he has toys he doesn't feel like sharing, they have to be put away until the guests leave. But at playdates or in the park, ds was always ok with sharing his toys.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

i don't see the adult comparison as the same thing honestly. if we have guests over and my kids won't share anything (or only half of their things) it makes for a really lame playdate for the little guests visiting us. ykwim? i think putting special toys away before guests arrive is appropriate, or even telling children that one or 2 toys are off-limits...but if a child struggles with sharing beyond that, then playdates should be on communal ground only. for me, a more accurate adult comparison would be like having guests over for dinner & offering them half of the food on the table, explaining kindly that the other half is special food... at least thats how it feels for the child on the receiving end. my kids don't have to share, and i've never forced that. but as the parent, i think it's important to create playdates that are fair for all participants, ykwim? just my thoughts.


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## boigrrrlwonder (Jan 18, 2007)

I do not force my kid to share personal property. Currently, I'm not forcing her to share communal property (like when we are in a church nursery together and the toy in question is church property), but I'm much more ambivalent about it.


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## lurve (May 5, 2006)

yeah i am the mom that other moms glare at as i tell my DD that we do NOT have to share. like other posters have said, we adults don't share that much but we expect our kids to share their most valuable assets (ie toys, food, etc)??!!!
i learned from a mama here a little trick that works pretty well: it is the "taking turns" trick. when one child has something another wants I will say "X when you are done with the toy, can Y have it." I usually get a yes or if no real answer ('cause i mainly deal in the two-year-old world at the moment) i then turn to Y and say "when X is done with the toy you can have it. Then Y, when you are done with it can X have it." the kids usually end up getting a huge kick out of giving each other the toy.


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## katieroo (Apr 12, 2009)

well i don't have to worry about this yet but when i was growing up we had special things we didn't have to share and it was ALWAYS like that even when we got older so when it came time for the bird and the bees talk we were told "remember some things are special and you don't share them with just anyone"


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## BellaRose0212 (Apr 3, 2009)

This is all very interesting, thanks for the post. It won't come up with us for a little while because DD is 8 months (although when we went to Disney with her cousin who is a year older the cousin kept taking all her toys, she didn't want her to have anything, DD didn't care at all, she just stared, lol). Most of the comments are geared toward playdates, I've noticed, with advice like "put the toy or special item away first" but what about amoung siblings? Are there different rules then? What are your thoughts?


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## BellaRose0212 (Apr 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JennifaBest* 
I don't think that children should be forced to share. That's not really "sharing" at all when you think about it. Unless the spirit of giving and generosity is there, it's not sharing. So really it is impossible to make someone share something. You can take their things and give them to someone else, but it doesn't mean they are sharing them if it doesn't come from their heart.

When our kids are feeling a bit snarky and not wanting to share things with other kids we have a few tricks to deal with it. One is to play a game not involving toys (ring-around-the-rosy, duck-duck-goose, red-light/green-light). Sometimes I'll bring out the playdough which doesn't belong to anybody, and we have several small rolling pins, cookie cutters and such - so there are plenty for everyone. Or I'll bring out MY basket of toys and model sharing by sharing MY things with the children who are visiting. One of the best ways to teach sharing is to model it by doing.

I loved that response. Thanks for the parenting tools!


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## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

DD1 isn't particularly attached to any one toy at the present moment. However, if we have guests over and its obvious that them playing with a specific toy is extremely upsetting her (she doesn't usually get upset over other people playing with the toys in the house) Ill apologize to the child and tell them that I guess today isn't a good day for them to be playing with that. Especially since its not her usual behavior there is some reason for her acting like that.
I think of it like this, there are things that I don't want to share. I wouldn't like it if someone told me I HAD to share my computer, sewing machine, cell phone etc. I definitely wouldn't like someone trying to force me to share something I consider personal (especially my sewing machine, I don't share my sewing machine with anyone)


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## mama_mojo (Jun 5, 2005)

I find it interesting how many adults say they don't share; I actually am willing to share everything but my husband. If I have allowed someone into my house, then they have passed the "bar" and I will share with them. I DO share my laptop, sewing machine, car, washing machine, clothes, etc.

Growing up, we had to share with our siblings and company. It was just what was done. I had two dolls that I did not have to share, but I pretty quickly realized that it was no fun playing dolls by myself all the time.

What we do- I expect my children to share anything age appropriate with the exception of a few toys. However, I do take age and situation into account. DS is 9, and he is the oldest of all the children we see regularly and has many more fragile "toys" and a heightened need for "space". So, we talk about how he would like a playdate to go; what he feels the guests coming might enjoy playing with, whether his room will be accessible, etc.

DD1 has the most trouble sharing; she's 7. However, if I do not "force" her to share, but give her the job of taking care of guests, she DOES share. She really needs to feel in charge. She is also very private, and I believe her things feel as if they are part of her. So, it's not just letting another child play with a doll, but letting another child play with a part of her, like her arm. Make sense? So, she has to have the control, and talking beforehand does NO good. We often start with everything put away, and she takes stuff out as she gets comfortable with the guests.

DD2 is 4, and she always says no first, then she says yes. That's fine. If I don't get involved, she switches to yes immediately. If I hover, then she has to resist me, too, and she has to keep saying no longer.

So, we insist on sharing, but we also believe the children WANT to share. Given the control of the situation, they will find a way to play with this other person. When they were too little to care much about the other person, we preferred playdates at parks, and we realized they could share fewer toys better than more toys.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
If someone comes over to our house, I tell ds to put away stuff that he doesn't really want them to play with. If it's out when they get here, I insist that he let them play with it.

<snip>

I don't make him give a toy he's playing with to another kid, in the name of sharing.









:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
i don't see the adult comparison as the same thing honestly. if we have guests over and my kids won't share anything (or only half of their things) it makes for a really lame playdate for the little guests visiting us. ykwim? i think putting special toys away before guests arrive is appropriate, or even telling children that one or 2 toys are off-limits...but if a child struggles with sharing beyond that, then playdates should be on communal ground only. for me, a more accurate adult comparison would be like having guests over for dinner & offering them half of the food on the table, explaining kindly that the other half is special food... at least thats how it feels for the child on the receiving end. my kids don't have to share, and i've never forced that. but as the parent, i think it's important to create playdates that are fair for all participants, ykwim? just my thoughts.

ITA.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama_mojo* 
I find it interesting how many adults say they don't share; I actually am willing to share everything but my husband. If I have allowed someone into my house, then they have passed the "bar" and I will share with them. I DO share my laptop, sewing machine, car, washing machine, clothes, etc.









:, here too - if I know you well enough to invite you to my house for a visit and you want to use something while you're here, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna let you. I have very few things that I consider hands off to other adults, and the things that are they'd probably not be interested in anyway, as they are intensely sentimental things and not just normal everyday items...

I think there are 2 issues here, IMO:

- Specific "sharing" when your child is playing with a toy and someone else wants that particular toy. I do not force my kids to hand over a toy they're actively playing with to another child. I do ask them that when they're done with their turn to give it to the other child, and tell the other child that my child will give it to them when they're done, and maybe suggest something else they could play with in the meantime. I have had parents rip toys out of their kids hands to hand to my kid while their kid was still actively playing with it, all in the name of "sharing", and it's very uncomfortable (it was at a library playtime with communal toys). I was always the weirdo who would tell their kid that mine wasn't done yet and would give them a turn soon.









- General "sharing" of all the toys your child has when someone comes over to play. I can understand a few precious items being put away, but as another poster said, I can't imagine inviting someone over to play and then having my kid be difficult about letting the other child play with the toys that are out. In that sense, I do "force" my kids to share whatever they have decided to leave out for the paydate.

WRT siblings, each of my kids has their own few things that they are never forced to share, even if they're not actively using them....those are their favorite things, and if they *want* to let their sibling use it that's great, but if they don't, that's fine too.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

for sibling situations, my kids have their own toys and own rooms. that space belongs to them. my kids play together incredibly well and do share everything, but should my son decide that his power rangers were off-limits and he didn't want his sister in his room... he has the right to enforce that and i'll stand behind him. the flipside is, he won't have a playmate anymore & his sister will probably treat him the way she was treated at another time. we also have communal toys that belong to everyone. the swingset, trampoline, wii game, v-smile, building blocks, arts & crafts, etc. do not have a single owner. they are for the family and our guests to enjoy. imho, "taking turns" _is_ sharing. ripping toys from my child because another kids wants it is unfair and unkind.

what grates my nerves though is when we had been invited to someone's home for a playdate and the child there wouldn't share _anything_. it's like whatever my dd touched was "special" to the toddler and the mother supported that. my kid had to play with the left-overs _(here sweetie, you can play with these 5 legos)_. she was only a toddler as well, so even if the other toddler felt invaded by mine...well...my dd was feeling equally stressed out (and we were invited there!). commonsense should have told the mother not to have playdates at their home. it definitely wasn't a playdate that all participants enjoyed at all. the mother was trying to create something that her child was simply stressed out by and not ready for. anyway. we stopped accepting invites there & would only meet at a public park after that.


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama_mojo* 
I find it interesting how many adults say they don't share; I actually am willing to share everything but my husband. If I have allowed someone into my house, then they have passed the "bar" and I will share with them. I DO share my laptop, sewing machine, car, washing machine, clothes, etc.

I think the difference is that, as an adult YOU get to decide who has "passed the bar" to be allowed into your house to share your things. I've been to many playgorups where the MOTHER has invited 10+ children and their moms to their home. With very young children (2-3 year olds), it's hard to argue that THEY invited each of these kids and should be expected to happily share with them all. Like I said earlier, I make a point of only having 1-2 friends over at a time, and only after dd and I have discussed exactly who we'd like to invite, with the understanding that having them over means they will be playing with her toys while they're here. We've done a LOT of park playdates when we're looking at larger numbers of kids or at moms I want to meet with, but whose kids dd might not know enough to want to invite home. Certainly with older children who invite a friend over from school or something I would expect them to share- but I wouldn't think that would fall into the question of "forced sharing" once the children are past a certain age (maybe 5 or so)


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

There are a couple of ways we approach this.

1. We teach our children that it is not polite to insist that someone "share" or give over, either food or toys. A polite request, yes. A demand, no. Between our own children, that rule means we bypass a lot of problems.

2. There are "common use" toys which do require some level of sharing. We encourage sharing, and we also encourage politeness on the other side--the child who had it first should not be demanded to give it up. But the child who had it first should be aware that the common use toys require taking turns and that after a certain amount of time, they will need to allow another child to play with that toy.

3. Our children do have "ownership" of certain toys. My middle child's Thomas train is his and his only. If he wants to share, that is fine (we encourage it, and he often is happy to), but if he wants to play with it, he gets first dibs. Our older one has his own shelf over his bed where he can keep his "treasures". As they get older, the others will also have a similar safe place that nobody else is permitted to take anything from.


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## 4inMyHeart3inArms (May 21, 2009)

no forced sharing in this house. I just asked myself how I would feel if I was forced to share something of mine. Forcing a child to share a toy I would equate to being forced to share your husband or your underwear. May sound more extreme, but the extreme feelings we have about things like that are the same extreme feelings a child has about a toy. I encourage them to share things, but dont force it, and I respect them having things they never want to share, ever.


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

If we are going somewhere and dd (3) wants to bring one of her special toys I ask if she wants to share it. If she says no, I tell her to bring a second toy to offer the other child. If it's a one of kind sort of toy I tell her it would be better to leave at home.

If we are having company and I know certain toys will be a problem I tell her we are putting them away to keep them safe since I know she won't want to share them.

Sometimes there are unforeseeable sharing issues. My niece wants EVERYTHING that dd has. So I offer them a chance to share and if they can't then I tell them "Looks like there isn't enough of this for everyone. We're going to put it away and play with something else."

I usually don't step in though until it becomes a screaming match.


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cappuccinosmom* 
1. We teach our children that it is not polite to insist that someone "share" or give over, either food or toys. A polite request, yes. A demand, no. Between our own children, that rule means we bypass a lot of problems.










: This too.


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## vermontgirl (Aug 15, 2006)

Thanks for all your responses. I really appreciate reading what other parents are doing. It seems like most of us agree that we like to respect our children and not force them to give up something and also not rip it out of their hands. I remember about a year ago I was uncomfortable with sharing and I let another mother give me the advice to take a toy away from Harvest and give it to hers so he could have a turn. I have always regreted this. Harvest was really agitated and upset and wanted to play with his toy. I should have respected that. It is really hard for children to have people over who insist to play with all of their things. As adults we get to selectively invite who we want/when we want and we dont have to share anything unless we want to. Most of us choose to share but the point is, we dont have to! If another adult started sorting through my clothing or reading through files on my computer I would be uncomfortable. Children hold this same connection to their toys and that is normal! I remember in college I was uncomfortable sharing my guitar and my oboe. So, children should be able to say no about certain toys and if it makes sense to do this, we should put it away while the kids are over. However, I do think it is ok to say to another child that Suzie doesnt want to share this today and that they will have to choose another toy-as long as it doesnt become this thing where everything is off limits.


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

My wonderful 4 yo dd has had a very hard time with sharing since she was about 18 months old--happily she does share well with her 14 mo old sister, I think it helps that we never force them to share, and she genuinely likes making her sister happy (at least sometimes!)
Friends are another story...we recently bought a 2nd hand swing set for the backyard. Dd is very excited, and can`t wait to have a friend over to try it...but at the same time she wants us to build a big scary fort in the backyard with a scary monster who will scare all her friends from using the swing set!! (she does have a fantastic imagination, lol). We're working on that one.

We do struggle with this. We have been using the special strategy for a long time, i.e. if it's really special put it aside before your friends come. That's okay, but then she will often randomly decided that many other things are special. At this point, I am prepared to force sharing when kids are at our house playing (other than the special things). It's a politeness thing, IMO. She knows this, and as a result there have been many times when she hasn`t wanted kids over to play for a little while (like after Christmas when she had a couple of new, special things.)

Frankly, I find negotiating this to be one of the most exhausting things about parenting, and I think it triggers stuff for me because I really find it impolite on some level, though I get that it's developmental as well...


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama_mojo* 
I find it interesting how many adults say they don't share; I actually am willing to share everything but my husband. If I have allowed someone into my house, then they have passed the "bar" and I will share with them. I DO share my laptop, sewing machine, car, washing machine, clothes, etc.


yes, but as someone else pointed out, you get to decide what to share.
And I think most people have personal items that they would never want to share. Just like children consider some toys their own property.
I wonder how many people would share their cup, backpack, purse or watch if a complete stranger came to them and asked for it in the park.
That's what I meant. Imo, we shouldn't hold our children to a higher standard than ourselves. If they feel comfortable sharing some items (just like we do, and we all have our personal level of comfort), by all means...


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## Barbee (Nov 27, 2004)

I think that if my friends came over and I was forced to share everything with them even though it made me uncomfortable, I might want to hold on to my things more. In other words, I think forced sharing of everything might backfire. I do tell ds that if he's going to bring robots to the park, he needs to be prepared to share them. If he's not comfortable with that, I ask him to bring something he is comfortable sharing. When friends come over, sometimes I let him gather toys that he doesn't mind sharing and ask him to put the others away. In this way, I think, I hope, that I'm teaching him to share while respecting him at the same time.


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## 4inMyHeart3inArms (May 21, 2009)

I dont share my mascara, my underwear, (my husband anymore hehehe).
I will hare my tooth brush with my husband or children, though we've never needed to do that.
I would share my deoderant with my best friend.
I wont share my tampons with my toddler - age daughter even though she wishes I would (can you blame me?)

I am really impressed by those who feel comfortable sharing everything. I share, but I decide what I share. I give the same courtesy to my children. They may not understand that my not sharing my tampons isn't the same thing as them not sharing their robot toy, but thats okay.

I agree with Barbee. My children don't have a problem with sharing, and we've never forced it. My friend makes her child share, and he is very terretorial over his items.
My kids don't like taking turns unless its their idea. We don't force that either. In the end everyone does get a turn without anyone being forced to sacarfice their turn before they are ready to do so. If I'm using the bathroom, I wouldn't want someone to say my turn was over mid pee because they wanted to use the toilet. I wouldn't want someone to say "you have 2 minutes to finish, then its so and sos turn" I would want to finish my turn, then they could have a turn. My turn may be 2 minutes and their turn may be 30 minutes, and that wouldnt make it "unfair". Again, as an adult I can see the difference between a toilet and a video game, but children figure this stuff out to as they get older. It happens naturally and without anxiety for the child if you dont force it.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I let my dd put things away that she really doesn't want to share. We put them in the closet and the closet is off limits. We do have toys that need to be shared when people come over to play. We have had miserable play dates with a friend who lets her son hog all of his toys, screech at my dd when she goes near them, and basically not let her do anything except watch. We stopped going because it was so miserable for dd and I don't want to do that to a friend.

I don't believe in making dd stop her turn with something before she is ready, but if she isn't touching the toy and hasn't chosen to put it up in the closet then I do insist that she share.


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## BellaRose0212 (Apr 3, 2009)

So, remembering my feelings then, I agree with a lot of the moms who have said a toy or item can be so important to a kid that it feels they are being personally assulted or disrespected for another kid to play (especially play more roughly than your kid would) with the toy. I think the true message is that it depends on the child, what they are already used to, and their mood. For instance, if you have a toddler that lives in a house with six other kids and/or has cousins and playmates all the time and has always been used to communal sharing, maybe sharing is a non-issue. But, if you have an only child or a child who is much older or younger than their siblings, playmates using their toys and lovies may come as an extreme shock.


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## elfimka (Mar 2, 2007)

I don't think forcing to share will achieve the goal.. The goal is to teach kids to share and be compassionate, right?

I've seen several moms in the park who will literally rip toys out of their children's hands and give it to another kid and then look back at their own child and say "you need to shaaaree". Do you know this type of moms? Ugh...

As much as I want my children to grow up compassionate, I never forced them to share. Because I want it to come from their heart, not because I told them so. For us, parents, their toys are just toys, but for them it's their treasures, something extremely valuable.

My daughter is now 3.5 and she shares most of her stuff because she wants to, not because she is supposed to. She knows that she has an option to leave something in the car and not take it to the park, or hide something at home before her friends come to play, but she very rarely asks to do that (in fact, I don't remember the last time we did that). And I think it's because she knows that she has total control of what she wants to share, that nothing will be forced to be shared, so she is a lot more laid back about it.


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## MammaV (Jul 13, 2002)

If we're having friends over, I have the kids put away their special toys. I don't make them share them. If it's just my three and there's an issue about a toy we will often set a timer and take turns or if it's the youngest having problems, distraction works great. The older ones have learned that the youngest only plays with something for 5 minutes before he's onto something else anyway and will often let it ride until he's done, then go get their toy back. My DD is a master at getting the youngest distracted with other toys and activities and they will often play side by side in happy harmony.
I think that kids having their own special toys they don't have to share can help to teach them how to care for and value something special. New toys are not sharable items unless the child wants to. As they're getting older, they're learning that it's more fun to play together than on their own.


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## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elfimka* 
I don't think forcing to share will achieve the goal.. The goal is to teach kids to share and be compassionate, right?

I've seen several moms in the park who will literally rip toys out of their children's hands and give it to another kid and then look back at their own child and say "you need to shaaaree". Do you know this type of moms? Ugh...


I prefer those moms to the ones who shrug and say, sorry, s/he doesn't feel like sharing today. Uh, OK. (I mean communal toys at playspaces and parks)

I'm not sure what the answer is. We don't have lots of kids over for playdates, so when they do have kids over they're usually so excited they don't care who touches what! So maybe boredom is the answer!


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