# How long do you suggest cosleeping with your child?



## Tamee (Jul 6, 2006)

My husband is ok with our cosleeping, but thinks that it's time to get our daughter into her own room, and I just don't think it's time yet. He thinks that she is "going to sleep with me forever!", but I believe that there will be a time when she will want to sleep on her own and I won't HAVE to kick her out. And I personally don't care if that takes years for her to do. Our daugher is only 18 months old. This is a big problem with him and is brought up all the time. I tell him about how I've researched everything and then he asks me, "oh yeah, well who do you know personally who cosleeps like this?" And since i don't actually know ANYONE who does, my opinion is automatically shot down. He's "asked everyone he knows and they all say that she needs to get out of our bed before it gets too hard to get her out". Since he knows "real" people, he thinks his opinion means more than mine. This is pretty tough for me.

What do you think?


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

I wouldn't allow an 18 month old to sleep away from me, ESPECIALLY in another room...it's a safety issue for me. They NEED to be old enough to get out in an emergency safely. An 18 month old cannot. My 9 YEAR old still sleeps with me. IMO, cosleeping should end when the child, with little or no prompting, decides it's time.







Good luck!


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## wallacesmum (Jun 2, 2006)

I think your child will tell you when she is ready to move on, and your instinct will tell you as well. If your husband is uncomfortable, maybe a sidecar so the baby is on your side instead of between you? If the issue is deeper than that, find out what it is. Is he concerned about what other people think? Lie to them. What business is anyone else's bed?

If there is something else going on for him, maybe feeling distance from you, then you guys need to talk about it. Ds is almost 20 months and I can tell he will need me in the bed for quite some time. Get to the root of it with dh. Don't let it build resentment, or have him counting the days. Everyone should be on board with any sleeping arrangement; after all, it's the FAMILY bed.

Just my thoughts.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

My kids will go to their own rooms when they ask to. Personally I'm not comfortable with a child in a different sleeping space until they are old enough and mature enough to handle themselves and get out of the house in an emergency.

-Angela


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## cheenya (Dec 17, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rmzbm* 
IMO, cosleeping should end when the child, with little or no prompting, decides it's time.







Good luck!









: Its also partly a safety issue for me, but really I think a child's growing independence is key. I have a good friend whose 3.5 year old recently kicked her parents out of the bed (very nicely, but they felt a little sad (nostalgic?) about it). If that happened to me, we'd find a way to make the safety issues work (a little more complicated for us because we sleep on the second floor). At this point, given that DD is not showing any signs of night weaning any time soon, I don't think I'll have to worry about that








I know my DH sometimes feels like I'm giving the children more attention than him at night, I point out that he's right, and then we discuss the whys and what's of the situation and usually end up trying to spend more time together during the days. I agree with a pp that it would be wise to figure out what the underlying reason is that DH is suggesting moving DC to their own bed, and then work on alternate solutions if possible.


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## dany (Oct 10, 2006)

I'm with the PPs in that it's a safety issue. DS is too little right now to even entertain the thought for him (9mo), but looking to the future, even if he wants out of our bed at, say, two years old, I'm not comfortable with him being in an entirely different room until I know that he is capable of handling himself in an emergency. That age will vary with each child, but I'm pretty certain that 18 months isn't it.

My thing about "getting them out of the bed" is this: eventually DS will close the door when he uses the bathroom, not because it's what's been taught (because we don't care), but because he's come to a point with his body that that is what he needs to do to feel comfortable. Likewise, when he needs to sleep alone for his comfort, then that is when he will.

Maybe you can point out the safety issue (how would she get out in a fire? in an earthquake (we just had one here the other night, and while it was little, boy was I grateful for having DS right with me)? a tornado? insert natural disaster for your area?). Thankfully my DH is totally on board with co-sleeping and room-sharing as the child(ren) grow, but I wouldn't hesitate to make the couch nice and comfy for him if he ever did say boo about it. He can handle himself in a nighttime emergency. Babies can't.


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## erikanorth (Sep 27, 2002)

Our son asked for his own bed at 2 1/2. He then started in his bed and ended in ours (or me in his!) for a while, then slowly started sleeping all night in his bed. Now at 4 he sleeps in his bed or a mattress on our floor. She won't be in your bed forever!! And you'll never regret the time you spent snuggling your baby


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

When ds was 2, he had "his" bed that was right up beside my and dp's bed. He's slowly becoming able to sleep without me right beside him all night.

Dp has been ready to stop co-sleeping for a while, but I think it helped him to have somewhat separate beds. I've told him that I REFUSE to leave my ds alone at night if he wants to be with me. I personally hate being alone at night.


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## cancat (Jun 15, 2004)

Why not try a twin mattress on the floor next to you guys? You could lie down with her to sleep, and go to the big bed after...


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## mamahart (Sep 25, 2007)

I think the unfortunate truth is that getting that sweet little baby to sleep in her own bed will be less of a challenge than a 3 or 5 or 7 or 10 year old. AND I think that is just because she doesn't have the skills to let you know what she really needs.
I have been kicking my DD out of bed since she was about 6, and now at almost 11 she still is in my bed with her long legs and curly hair...she has been just wise enough and persuasive enough to convince me that sleeping alone is just not natural. Thank goodness for children!
My DS is almost 3 and just tucks into the bed pretty easily. But I keep a sleeping bag by the bed for my DD when I feel crowded/hot/stuffy.
My DH thinks I am 1/2 crazy for how much space/time/voice I give to the kids but hey thats why he married me!!
Maybe a mini co-sleeper would make your hubby happy and keep DD next to your!!


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## lilgsmommy (Jun 21, 2004)

With my 5yr old, we stopped co-sleeping when I was pregnant with the twins.....he is a rough sleeper. Before that though, from the time he was 2 1/2, we let him decide where he wanted to sleep. Sometimes it was with us, and sometimes it was in his own room....the decision was his.

With the twins, we coslept with a sidecarred crib until they were a year old. And then they had thier own beds, but still slept with us whenever they wanted to. They still do to this day......we dont deny them access to our bed, and we dont force them to sleep with us or in thier own bed...which they share, so they technically still cosleep even when not with us.

I think, that with us, the decision to stop cosleeping happens when the kids show us signs they are done with it. With my oldest it was part neccessity that we stopped it. With the twins, they prefered more space, and they slept better together in thier own bed than they did with us.....to this day, they wont both sleep in bed with us anymore, because they are picky about thier space.


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## MommaGreenBean (May 8, 2007)

I'm glad people brought up the safety issue. That's my deal too, they are staying right where I can get to them until they are big enough to respond well to an emergency. When my kids are older I wouldn't mind bunking, say, a 3 yo with a 7 yo, but we'll play it by ear. My kids will share a room, I don't like the idea of people sleeping alone.

Aww, and I so love co-sleeping. Just had to add that in there. I love her little foot in my tummy and the fingers that reach over to touch me...


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## Tamee (Jul 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cancat* 
Why not try a twin mattress on the floor next to you guys? You could lie down with her to sleep, and go to the big bed after...

this is what we do. Our bed is too small for the three of us.
My husband still hates it though. Although, I think he hates the fact that I'm still breastfeeding more.


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## *LoveBugMama* (Aug 2, 2003)

How long?

As long as he needs me there.








My son is 6,5 years old and we still cosleep 100%. Infact, his bed is the only bed in the apartment. (We only have one bedroom.) When he wants to have his privacy, I will start sleeping in the livingroom. But for now, he wants me close at night. And I don`t mind at all. I totally understand not wanting to sleep alone.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

The right time to move a child to his or her own bed is when he or she is ready for it. For some kids, that happens at 6 months, and for others 6 years or longer.

Sometimes, if mama is getting REALLY worn out from nighttime parenting and it's negatively affecting daytime parenting, compromises need to be made and sometimes that means ending co-sleeping before the child is really ready for it. But if the only problem is outside pressure, that's not a good reason to stop.


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## Magali (Jun 8, 2007)

I agree.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

It is time to move on when one of the co-sleepers is ready to move on, whether that be the parent or the child. That said- I think 18 months is kinda young though for safety reasons. My boys were 3 and 3.5 yrs old before they slept in another room, now they co-sleep with one another and they know they can always come back to "the big bed"

Best wishes to you and Dh. Does he ever come on here or read any breastfeeding or co-sleeping info? I think that would be good as well. Talking to people IRL (this is just my opinion) can be bad because they do not have the same views, values or sleeping arrangements.

Take care!


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## wallacesmum (Jun 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tamee* 
My husband still hates it though. Although, I think he hates the fact that I'm still breastfeeding more.

Why? I really think there is a lot to sort out here.


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## JessBB (Apr 10, 2007)

The whole "I know people IRL who say X" argument holds no water with me. I know many, many people with all kinds of <<UA violation>> opinions, including some that are racist, sexist or just plain wrong and abhorrent! There are plenty of scientific FACTS that support both c/s and breastfeeding past one year. Look on the stickies at the top of the thread. His opinion is in no way more valid than yours!


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## boozilla (Nov 2, 2007)

maybe this will help: The New York Times recently published a piece about the 30% or more of parents who are "closet co-sleepers!" I don't think you can get more "Real people-ish" than the NYT (ha, ha). here is the article: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/23/he...icle_popular_5

My daughter is 4 and still sleeps with us most nights. She sleeps alone, in her room, sometimes, but usually ends up in our bed. However, she sleeps away from us with ease--at grandmas!

Best of luck--maybe if you and hubby make a "nooky" spot elswere in the house, he'd be more accepting of sharing his bed (and his wife!).


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

We stopped with all of our children around ages 4-5, depending on the child. It was a little longer with our oldest child. He was almost 6.

It wasn't co-sleeping near the end with all of our children either. It was more of me cuddling with them in their bed or the guest bedroom until they fell asleep and I carried them to their own bed and then went to my own bed.


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## vermontgirl (Aug 15, 2006)

The answer to this question is very individual and I dont think there is one answer. My 15 month old is in our bed and I am in no rush to get him out. I wouldnt feel safe with him in a whole seperate room. I do have a twin bed pushed up against ours so that he can sleep in that for the first part of the night-which is about 2 hours. That give us a little space. After that personal space does not exist. He is nursing and laying sprawled across me all night.

I would like him to be in his own room by 3-4 years old but I really think it is unfair to make a child sleep alone-do you know how scary that is? I dont like sleeping alone. I think that when I make Harvest sleep away from us he will have a sibling to share a room with. I wouldnt make him sleep alone at any age. I think putting two siblings together really helps the situation and eases the transition a little.


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## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

My dd is 4.5 yo. She said to me a couple of months ago "You know mom, i'm 4 years old, and i don't even sleep in my own bed!" I said "Well, do you want to?" and she said "Yes." That was it. Cosleeping over. It does end when they are ready.


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## beana's mommy (Feb 16, 2006)

Until we're all ready for it to end, I guess. I remember when I first started reading about co-sleeping after beginning to cosleep when my dd was a week old and it said something about children being ready to sleep alone around age 2-4 or something like that and I thought it was crazy! LOL Now, my dd is 2, and I get so sad when I think of the day when she'll want to leave our bed. And fear the dogs are going to pick our kids over us, too! LOL

It's become a bit more of a challenge now with 2 little ones in our bed, since dh and I rarely ever get to snuggle in bed anymore. But, I keep reminding us both that our time with our children in our bed is such a short period of time in relation to the rest of our lives that we have with each other.

I have never liked sleeping alone, and I think our dc may be the same. I'd imagine they'll want to sleep together in the same bed, or just in the same room once they do leave our room and I am very happy with that. They already cuddle up with each other in our bed when I allow it. I only allow it when I'm awake, usually in the morning or nap time, since ds is only 4months old.


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## Tamee (Jul 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boozilla* 
Best of luck--maybe if you and hubby make a "nooky" spot elswere in the house, he'd be more accepting of sharing his bed (and his wife!).

No, he thinks the bed is for US and Abryn shouldn't be in the same room no matter what. I've tried all kinds of things with him, but he is very hard-headed about it.

It sucks for me because I feel like raising kids with him is going to be very difficult. It makes me not want to have any more with him, which breaks my heart because I always thought we'd have a big happy family.









He brings it up a lot and gets very irritated with me.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Sounds like you two need some counseling together.

-Angela


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## cheenya (Dec 17, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tamee* 
No, he thinks the bed is for US and Abryn shouldn't be in the same room no matter what. I've tried all kinds of things with him, but he is very hard-headed about it.

What if you and Abryn slept in a different room? I know my parents did this for a long while (although not out of conflict, simply space) My mom slept in the kids room with the kids, most of the night, most nights, when we were little, and my dad slept in the "master bedroom". I'm guessing it wouldn't resolve your issues, but it could be worth trying.


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## EvansMomma (Mar 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tamee* 
No, he thinks the bed is for US and Abryn shouldn't be in the same room no matter what. I've tried all kinds of things with him, but he is very hard-headed about it.

It sucks for me because I feel like raising kids with him is going to be very difficult. It makes me not want to have any more with him, which breaks my heart because I always thought we'd have a big happy family.









He brings it up a lot and gets very irritated with me.

My husband had a problem with letting Evan sleep in "our" space, and it was a contentious issue for us for probably the better part of Evan's first year. Maybe a bit longer, but after a year or so - it all came to a head pretty much. And we sat down and talked about his issues and veyr real fears - he was worried about our relationship. So we worked out soem "ground rules" for lack of a better word. He's a HUGE advocate for our sleeping arrangement now, and is really supportive of it - because I also am making sure that we are nurturing our marriage as WELL as our son.

If you don't think sitting down with him will help, maybe find a counsellor or mediator? I told DH that I wouldn't change the sleeping arrangements we had with Evan...so we had to find a way to make it work for us. Which we were able to do after a lot of work (and some heated discussions).

Good luck mama.


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## goodheartedmama (Feb 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rmzbm* 
I wouldn't allow an 18 month old to sleep away from me, ESPECIALLY in another room...it's a safety issue for me. They NEED to be old enough to get out in an emergency safely. An 18 month old cannot. My 9 YEAR old still sleeps with me. IMO, cosleeping should end when the child, with little or no prompting, decides it's time.







Good luck!


yes, all of that


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## anothermama (Nov 11, 2003)

I think this is a really hard topic because when we become AP mamas, we inherit all the baggage that comes along with that title, which includes this feeling like we're inadequate parents if we deviate from the "laundry list" one bit.

I don't agree that the needs or wants of one family member should trump the needs and wants of the rest of the family. I think most babes would love to sleep with mama until they say so, but unfortunately that doesn't always create a healthy environment for the rest of the family.

Seven years ago, I was a single mom and my daughter slept with me till she was about 2 or 3 and wanted a "big girl bed".







It was easy for me to do because I was single, and my daughter was an impossibly easy child.

But then I had my son. He's slept with us on and off his whole life (he's 3) but there have been times where, to be honest, we just needed sleep and we kicked him out! And I think that it's easy to sit behind a computer screen, where your life can't be judged, and judge others.

I don't believe that letting a child sleep with you creates a monster. And I don't believe that it spoils them. Eventually, most kids I've known have wanted out of moms bed. But if you and your husband want your bed back before your baby says she's ok with it, I think that's ok and it can be done lovingly and in a healthy way.

We bought a king sized bed, but even that doesn't allow BOTH my kids to sleep with me. Our solution has been to just make "beds" on the floor next to us when the kids want to sleep with us and we usually don't limit their time with us. Once my kids got their own beds, I always take them to bed there at night, but if for some reason their first inclination is to sleep with mama, then thats what they do. More often than not, though, they just climb into their own beds.

We had some sleep struggles with my son for a long time and I really saw what sleep deprivation can do. It's not fun. I don't think you win mom-brownie points for being a martyr in this case.


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## ApprenticeMomma (Apr 5, 2005)

There is the most lovely book "Three in a bed" By Deborah Jackson, it makes youfeel SO good about your decision to co-sleep!









At 18 months, they are still just babies!!

Anyway, we co-sleep with our 3 and a half year old, and 2 year old, and just recently my older child has been quite interested in the concept of bunk beds, so we are going to try that, but I have no doubt he will be playing musical beds for a while while he sorts out exactly where he is comfortable sleeping, and we are fine with that. He is free to come and go when he pleases, for as long as he pleases.

O - and I am still breastfeeding both of them too..


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## JamieCatheryn (Dec 31, 2005)

What about starting out the night in her own room and coming to join y'all if she woke up in the night, or early in the morning. That's how we do it. DH and I get to be alone going to sleep starting the night and DS is free to get up and join us when he wants. We find it a good compromise. And if DS is having a rough night, tossing and turning or crying a lot from teething or illness, he and I stay in his (full) bed so DH can sleep, sometimes if I'm beat then DH goes in with him instead. I'm not concerned about an emergency, I guess the only danger would be a fire, maybe we're chancing it but it doesn't seem that likely we'll have one.

We just couldn't take the full time family bed thing for years, as DS goes to sleep late and DH and I need some kind of time alone to keep our relationship in order. Plus DS takes up the whole bed while he sleeps so it's not comfortable for us.

So for us, 13 months was when he moved, but he comes back during the night or morning as he wishes. Most nights its at 5-6am. It works well.

Of those friends I have who cosleep for years, one is happy with it though misses some sleep, one regrets it I think because she's told it's a bad situation she's stuck in and she believes it. If you're happy where you are then it's good, nevermind everyone else. DH does have some say though, it is his sleeping arrangments involved too.


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## Tamee (Jul 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cheenya* 
What if you and Abryn slept in a different room? I know my parents did this for a long while (although not out of conflict, simply space) My mom slept in the kids room with the kids, most of the night, most nights, when we were little, and my dad slept in the "master bedroom". I'm guessing it wouldn't resolve your issues, but it could be worth trying.

I think this would be the only way to resolve the issue, but he is still upset about that idea, because then he wouldn't be sleeping with ME!

the only reason I am not doing that now is because we are living in my grandparents house with my brother, also, and there's simply no extra room.


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## es1967 (Oct 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tamee* 
No, he thinks the bed is for US and Abryn shouldn't be in the same room no matter what. I've tried all kinds of things with him, but he is very hard-headed about it.

It sucks for me because I feel like raising kids with him is going to be very difficult. It makes me not want to have any more with him, which breaks my heart because I always thought we'd have a big happy family.









He brings it up a lot and gets very irritated with me.

I feel for you cause my husband is the exact same way. DS is 13 months old and I love having him close to me at night. If you find a solution let me know cause I'm having the same issues.


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## ParisAnne (Jul 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tamee* 
My husband is ok with our cosleeping, but thinks that it's time to get our daughter into her own room, What do you think?

It doesn't sound to me at all like he is okay with your co-sleeping anymore if he's constantly pressuring you to get her into her own room. Our dd is 6 now and sleeps on her own majority of the time. Dh starting bringing it up semi-regularly once she hit 4. I, like others, was waiting until the time felt right for both of us, and it didn't at 4. At 5 I was starting to see the draw to having some more privacy, but didn't want to see her not sleeping with us 100% of the time.

Dec of '06 brought a big storm to the northwest and a large tree through our roof. It basically destroyed dd's "room". We did not have a bed in there yet, and likely she would not have been sleeping by herself during a storm, but just wanted to point out that her sleeping on her own fell into place at the right point in time. Insurance paid for 20+K worth of damage to totally redo her room, which allowed us to fault the ceiling in her room, thus settling our problem of how can we put a bed in a small room and still allow her to play in there. Dh built her a loft bed and she still has space for her toys.

Dd still shows up in our bed between 3 am-7 am. 5 out of 7 mornings of the week. This works great for me. She is a very independant little girl. So you see co-sleeping doesn't necessarily make them dependant on you and they will learn to sleep on their own. Dd moved into her own room March of '07 and she didn't look back.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
My kids will go to their own rooms when they ask to. Personally I'm not comfortable with a child in a different sleeping space until they are old enough and mature enough to handle themselves and get out of the house in an emergency.

-Angela









:

I am fine with mine co sleeping until they are married and even then if they come to visit they can sleep with me then as well







minus their dh/dw of course


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