# Your opinion on Aletha Solter's Theory about crying and nighttime parenting



## maman de Corinne (Jul 25, 2004)

Hi everyone!

I'm new here.

I would like to describe my situation but my english is not very good (I'm a french canadian). So I'll be short.

My dd is 17 months and we have a lot of trouble with frequent night waking (she's waking more than every hour). So I'm always looking for solutions.

Lately, I had read Solter's book (the aware baby). I feel strange about that theory. On one side, I think it make sense that baby have to learn that crying is a good thing. On the other side I find it's not so AP as it seem to me at fist.

I would like to know what you think about it!


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## Kundalini-Mama (Jul 15, 2002)

Been there done that









Unfortunately, I have not read the book, but my son woke up every 40 min from 8 months old to 15 months old. He had severe food allergies that were affecting his sleep.

Finally we found a homeopath and w/i 3 weeks his allergies (except for dairy), were gone. He is now sleeping through the night at 2 1/2 yrs old







He is not in pain anymore.

So, whenever I hear about _frequent_ nightwakings, I always wonder if there is a physical cause behind them.

Just wanted to throw that out there; I hope someone has read the book you are referring to








Amy


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## loving-my-babies (Apr 2, 2004)

I have not read Aletha Solter's book, but my opinion on crying, is that unattended crying is never a good thing. does your baby sleep in a crib, or do you co-sleep? I would highly recommend co-sleeping, if you are not sleeping with her already. It has helped many families get the sleep they need.

There's a well known study done by Harvard about children's crying and parents responding to them.

http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/...enNeedTou.html

Hope this helps...

Carmen


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## maman de Corinne (Jul 25, 2004)

Thank's for your responses.

I cosleep with dd since she's 1 month. I don't think she's allergic (I did a lot of things to test that and everything seem ok).

Ok, here is a quote from a page that I find. This quote resume what I find "questionnable" in that theory.

"A third possible cause of night awakenings is pent-up stress and tension. Babies accumulate stress resulting from daily frustrations and overstimulation, and this can cause them to awaken frequently at night. The natural remedy for releasing stress is through crying. Research has shown that stress hormones are excreted through tears, and that crying lowers blood pressure and heart rate. It helps to restore the body's physiological balance (homeostasis) following stress or trauma. Babies who had a difficult birth tend to cry more than babies who had an easier birth, and they also awaken more frequently at night crying well past the age of needing milk at night.

You mention that your baby cries from tiredness. Babies don't cry from tiredness, but from stress (or because of immediate needs). However, when babies are getting tired, they often need to release stress by crying so they can relax and fall asleep. The way you put your daughter to sleep may be interfering with this natural stress-release mechanism. When you put something in your baby's mouth (such as a pacifier), or when you distract and soothe your baby by rocking, this can help her fall asleep, but it won't work for very long because it only postpones the crying. This could be the reason why your daughter wakes up frequently at night. Perhaps she is trying to complete the crying that she needs to do.

I recommend that you stop using a pacifier and try to accept your daughter's bedtime crying as a healthy tension-release mechanism, rather than try to stop it. This does not mean ignoring her when she cries. Babies should never be left to cry alone. But you can hold her lovingly at bedtime while she cries, without putting anything in her mouth, and without trying to distract her by movements or sounds. (I am assuming that she has recently been fed, and is not hungry.) Let her cry in your arms as long as she needs to. Treat her as you yourself would want to be treated after a hard day, when you may need a shoulder to cry on. By adopting this in-arms crying approach, you will establish a good listening relationship with your baby. As she grows older she will know that she can count on you to listen and accept her feelings.

After your daughter has cried in your arms, she will probably fall into a deep sleep, and you will then be able to put her down. (It may take an hour or more of crying the first few times you try this.) Parents who use this approach find that their babies soon begin sleeping longer stretches at night without waking up."

Here is the link for that page: http://www.awareparenting.com/answer13.htm

The idea that a baby can accumulate tensions and stress and that it can be a possible explanation for night wakings make some sense for me. I can admit that crying can be one of the way to evacuate those tensions. But, what I find hard for my heart is that, in the book, she ask mothers who have frequent night nursers not to breastfeed for sleep or in the night (except if it's for nutritional reasons) and to let the child cry in your arms. In fact, in my opinion, she's having a strange discourse about breastfeeding. I had always bf on demand and I don't think it would make my dd an alchoolic (that's what she pretend)!!

I think that discourse make me feel strange because she pretend to propose a AP approch of parenting.

So, what do you think about that?

(Again, I'm sorry for my english)


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## loving-my-babies (Apr 2, 2004)

actually, this is a myth. and one that I don't believe at all! I certainly think that babies don't *need* to cry. some babies are fussy at the end of the day, and yes, they need to let all the stress go, but if they cry, they need to be in arms. when they cry unattended, studies HAVE SHOWN that stress levels go UP (not down), and baby does not let go of the stress, but it creates MORE STRESS for them to cry unattended and alone, because they feel abandoned.


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## loving-my-babies (Apr 2, 2004)

Quote:

when you distract and soothe your baby by rocking, this can help her fall asleep, but it won't work for very long because it only postpones the crying. This could be the reason why your daughter wakes up frequently at night. Perhaps she is trying to complete the crying that she needs to do.
and this I find to be especially untrue. posponing the crying? that is 100% NOT true, this author seems to be rather anti-AP, in my opinion!


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## maman de Corinne (Jul 25, 2004)

Ok, I agree with you.

But I just want to specify that the author don't propose to leave the child unattended or alone. She propose to keep the child in your arms and "with love", to listen your baby when she cries.


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## loving-my-babies (Apr 2, 2004)

yes, and I also agree that babies need to be breastfed as often as they ask for, because some babies need that nutricion at night, even though doctors think they don't after a certain point, I believe every child is different.


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## aguacates (Sep 17, 2003)

I like that Aletha Solter advocates CIA (crying in arms). And from what I know, I don't believe that she is advocating not to bf on demand. I know for my dd there are times when she has nursed and nursed and isn't swallowing milk anymore, but wants the nipple in her mouth, yet is still fussing. To me, this is a time when I would unlatch dd, and hold her and speak gently to her while she CIA's I think that Aletha Solter is one variety of AP. Have you tried holding your dd while she has a good cry? How does she react? I also think we have to take cues from our children.


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## nicholas_mom (Apr 23, 2004)

Yes, Althea Solter IS AP. She wrote an article in Mothering magazine. I do not beleive Mothering Magazine would allow someone NOT AP.

I read "Aware Baby" and "Tears and Tantrums" and I recommend them. She, BTW, she references Dr. Sears about family bed and nighttime parenting.

She beleives in CRY IN ARMS NOT CIO, and says this throughout the book. I work one day a week for 8 hours and 2 days for 6 hours. When ds was 6 months old, he had trouble falling asleep on Fridays. Seems he missed me too much during the day (he is with dh when I am at work) to settle himself to sleep. When nursing would not help or dancing to sleep I would let him cry *IN MY ARMS ONLY* and would tell him everything is alright now. I could never do this too long (5-10 mins) before I gave him a homeopathic remedy (chamamilla) to help him sleep. The remedy would work right away.

Its a hard technique to use. I try the gentle holding and crying for tantrums and that works better than it did at 6 months. DS is 14 months old, now.

But there were times when nothing would help his crying, so what do you do BUT HOLD HIM.









Anyway, take what you like from the book and leave the rest. She says nay to comfort nursing but I do it all the time (its much less now that ds is older).


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## maman de Corinne (Jul 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nicholas_mom*
Anyway, take what you like from the book and leave the rest. She says nay to comfort nursing but I do it all the time (its much less now that ds is older).









That's what I'm gonna do.

I think that learning that crying is not bad is a good thing for a baby. And, it's true that it can help relief tensions and stress. But, I'm not gonna push her to cry when I know that nursing can help her. I think it's a bit drastic to cut all comfort nursing.


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## Too Busy (Apr 3, 2004)

Yes, contrary to some people's experience with their babies, some babies DO need to cry. Blanket statements about what is AP can blind you to new ideas and philosophies that might help your child within AP. AP is not a one-size-fits-all, rule-based way of life. It is a constantly evolving philosphy.

My daughter has been an EXTREMELY aware baby from birth. She is very sensative and compiled a huge amount of emotional angst that was pent up inside her. She was colicky and cried and cried for months on end. One time instead of trying to get her to stop, I listened. I didn't talk, sing, rock or nurse. My breast was available, but she clearly did not want it. She cried in my arms for a long time and eventually settled down and fell asleep. For the first tme in her short life, she was no longer tense and wound tightly.

Since, she has been a much happier baby. If this had not felt right, I would not have done it. Go with your instincts, if you feel like your baby is trying to communicate thru crying- try listeneing. If it doesn't feel right- don't continue. I cannot explain the sense of peace I felt from my daughter during this process. I am not a supporter of CIO and this was definately not even in the same league as it.


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## erlyco (May 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Beanie Mama*
One time instead of trying to get her to stop, I listened. I didn't talk, sing, rock or nurse. My breast was available, but she clearly did not want it. She cried in my arms for a long time and eventually settled down and fell asleep. For the first tme in her short life, she was no longer tense and wound tightly.

Yes, Beanie Mama.
A few times when DS was crying, I left my breast available and just held him. He didn't want the breast at first. I think the most important thing was that I was at peace. I just sat calmly and looked into his sad eyes lovingly. Instead of frantically trying different things to stop the crying, I just felt that he wanted to cry.

I recently read here (forget what thread) that someone compared it to the feeling you get at the end of a stressful day when you just want to cry in the arms of someone you love -- and how good/relaxed you feel after that cry. You don't want them to say or do anything -- just hold you while you release.

I think of that now on rare occasions with DS and it's liberating. I don't feel like I have to scramble around to stop the crying. Just hold him and love him.


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## Nate (Sep 3, 2003)

Heartmama gave a really good description of Solter's work in the thread "Is CIO ever the lesser of 2 evils?" Her post is partway down this page: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ght=CIO+lesser

I find it really interesting, and wish I'd known about b/f dd was born...


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## WithHannahsHeart (Apr 22, 2003)

I have heard of the CIA theory, and think it has many merits. In fact, i think that for some babies, it is the HEIGHT of being an attached parent to listen to their need to cry out their frustration, always in arms. Isn't that what AP is all about, listening to and respecting your child's needs? I don't see at ALL that she is advocating CIO or anything like it, nor that she suggests that you deny your child's need to eat at night. It can be ok not to let them be attached to you all night IF you are weary of it.

As always, we should do what each individual child needs, read and examine many different theories and possibilities, and take what we need from them to better parent our children.


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## MamaE (May 1, 2004)

I was just going to post something similar to what Nicholas Mom posted - about Solter being AP (one form of it) and about her CIA article in Mothering Mag.

I know that my dd cried every night at bedtime for months and months and months no matter what I did - nurse, rock, walk, dance, sling, car, etc.... You name it, she cried. I NEVER left her - it seemed she just had to get that cry out.

Dr. Sears (maybe in the Baby Book?) cites a study on the makeup of tears saying that they include a stress hormone. This could indicate that crying is indeed purposeful and cathartic (of course, NOT when the baby is left ALONE, as we all agree). (This study citation is a brief blurb in a little box in one of his books, if that makes sense. Sorry, but I can't remember where right now. Anyone else heard of this?) Anyway, sounds like Solter is building on this theory that crying is cathartic.

I have seen many here echo something like this: ***Our job is NOT to make our children STOP crying, but to be there to help them through it! If we can stop it, great - if not, support, support, support.*** (Dr. Sears says something like this too.)

Sounds like this is what you are doing!

One thought - molars?? My near 16 month old is getting 2 plus her last incisor right now. Poor child and poor mommy are barely hangin' in there some nights (and days).

P.S. I have a fairly frequent night-waker too and always comfort nurse - what would I do without that tool??? I'm with you - nurse away if it works, and take from the book anything else that makes sense or works...


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## Threefold (Nov 27, 2001)

I have read "Helping Your Young Child flourish" and am beginning "The Aware Baby", and I do agree with Solter's work and think that a few posters here have already given great reasons and done so eloquently. I'd just like to add that I feel really invalidated myself when I am upset and need to have a good cathartic cry and someone says, "Don't cry", or tries to distract me.


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