# So conflicted and confused



## MommyBear (Dec 19, 2001)

I have a new nephew that I got to see for the first time today. By new I mean he's already 4 months old. Of course I think he's the most adorable little baby ever and I'm just in love with him. His little smiles are the best and the way his eyes sparkle melts my heart (can you tell my boys are well past the baby stage?). When the subject of breastfeeding came up I was told "oh we're not doing THAT" like it was totally gross. I know my SIL and the only reason she isn't nursing is because FFing is easier for her. My heart is breaking.

Here is where my question comes in. Because of my very strong beliefs on BFing, I will not feed her son for her. It just isn't something I can bring myself to do. I can respect her choice because it is after all, her choice no matter my feelings on the issue but I just cannot bear to sit down and put a bottle in that baby's mouth. I know I will be asked to. We are vacationing with them soon and she passes him off as often as possible (I'm bringing my sling on vacation, glad that it will be of use once more).

I'm just not sure how to keep declining this "great honor" without coming off like an elitist. Heck, maybe I am being one but I just cannot get over the heartache I feel when I've tried to do this. I fought hard to BF my babies (including being in a coma *twice* and losing my supply both times but working to get it back successfully both times) and I see her just throwing it all away. Am I a bad person for feeling like this?


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## goodygumdrops (Jan 25, 2007)

I have been sitting here trying to figure out how to respond to your post so I will respond as gently as possible. While I understand that there are many people that become very passionate about their interests (ie, breastfeeding, nutrition, etc) I really believe that actions like the one your describing actually really hurt the lactivist cause. By not feeding her baby, you are ostracizing this woman, who is your SIL. Why would you want to do that? It doesn't matter if she choosing to breastfeed or formula feed, in the big scheme of life, it's really none of your business.

And yes, I do think your being really insensitive. If you choose to breastfeed in extenuating circumstances, good for you... but don't be do-gooder.


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *goodygumdrops*
> 
> I have been sitting here trying to figure out how to respond to your post so I will respond as gently as possible. While I understand that there are many people that become very passionate about their interests (ie, breastfeeding, nutrition, etc) I really believe that actions like the one your describing actually really hurt the lactivist cause. By not feeding her baby, you are ostracizing this woman, who is your SIL. Why would you want to do that? It doesn't matter if she choosing to breastfeed or formula feed, in the big scheme of life, it's really none of your business.
> 
> And yes, I do think your being really insensitive. If you choose to breastfeed in extenuating circumstances, good for you... but don't be do-gooder.


I disagree. The idea of formula feeding a baby makes the OP uncomfortable; it doesn't mean that she's planning on ostracizing the SIL, and the "lactivist cause" is irrelevant here.

The SIL sounds like she has been judgmental about breastfeeding. Why should the OP just suck it up and feed the baby when she's not comfortable with it?

Personally, if I felt that way about feeding the baby a bottle, I would decline if asked to, or conveniently have something else to do when feeding time came around. You're not the child's caregiver and should not be expected to feed it when the parents are right there anyway.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Bokonon*
> 
> The SIL sounds like she has been judgmental about breastfeeding. .


Or perhaps the SIL is behaving the way she is because she feels judged by the op who, in her own words, has a very strong feelings regarding breastfeeding.

I think you have two options - feed your nephew his bottle and enjoy spending some quality time with your sweet nephew or make yourself busy whenever feeding time comes around so that you aren't asked to help.


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## woodchick (Jan 5, 2007)

Certainly you have the right to not feed your nephew if that is your choice.

But I want to point out that she is not currently "throwing [anything] away". Any benefits from her son getting breast milk have already been thrown away and the only thing this baby is being fed now is formula. Your protest can't change that.

Many people find that bottle feeding babies is a wonderful way to bond with them. In all honesty (and you should know that I'm days away from nursing a 5 year old and her 2yo sister) I sometimes longed to bottle feed my girls because I had bottle fed so many other babies while I was growing up and I had an emotional connection to the routine. I LOVED nursing my girls and am a huge advocate for it, but there's always been that warm feeling I got from feeding babies before I had my own.

If it were me, I'd be chomping at the bit to have that quiet time with my nephew. I have only one niece and she's adopted. I was thrilled to sit and feed her her bottle even though the smell of formula is so gross! It was a special time I got to spend with her amidst the hubbub of extended family life. It wasn't her fault or choice what she was being fed.

I wonder, though, if the issue isn't more with the fact that "she passes him off as often as possible" than the formula. Maybe you're wishing that she was a more attached parent than she is? Or feeling sad for your nephew that he is being passed around so much away from mama?


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## MommyBear (Dec 19, 2001)

I haven't been vocal about my strong feelings. I have only shared some of my personal experiences (NOT including the coma story so she doesn't know the extremes that I have gone through in order to BF). I've only been helpful and supportive to her, which is why I'm so conflicted on how to act over this multi-day vacation. Up until now we haven't spent a lot of time together.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

It breaks your heart that she's formula feeding? to the extent that you can't even hold the bottle? Really?

Have you talked to anyone about this? That is not a normal or healthy way to feel. I wish you well as you heal.


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## Astrogirl (Oct 23, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Bokonon*
> I disagree. The idea of formula feeding a baby makes the OP uncomfortable; it doesn't mean that she's planning on ostracizing the SIL, and the "lactivist cause" is irrelevant here.
> 
> The SIL sounds like she has been judgmental about breastfeeding. Why should the OP just suck it up and feed the baby when she's not comfortable with it?


Because no matter what the mother's choices were, all human beings deserve to be fed. If the mother 'passes off' the baby and then walks across the street and gets hit by a truck (God Forbid), what then? Yes, thats an extreme way for me to make my point, which is, if she loves that child or even if she didn't, if the baby is hungry and the mother doesn't happen to be around, then put your personal agenda aside and feed the child. It's not like she's asking for her to give her a latte from Starbucks, for heck's sake.


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## Astrogirl (Oct 23, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *D_McG*
> 
> It breaks your heart that she's formula feeding? to the extent that you can't even hold the bottle? Really?
> 
> Have you talked to anyone about this? *That is not a normal or healthy way to feel*. I wish you well as you heal.


Yes this. If the choice was letting the baby cry and go hungry while you wait for his mother to return from whatever she's doing, rather than give that baby nutrition and comfort with an albeit artificial nipple, then something is wrong with your compass.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

nm


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## isabchi (Sep 14, 2006)

I understand your feelings. Although,It's the mother choice how to feed her baby. I'll probably encourage your SIL to feed her baby in the breastefeeding way. Positioning the baby, eye to eye contact, switching sides, etc. You have to remember the breastfeeding it's not just about Breast Milk, it's the bounding with the baby, and that it's also something than many mothers in our society need to be incourage by other mothers. Doesn't matter the how the baby is been feed.

Please, by kind we your feelings.Breath and be in peace!


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## Munchkinmaker (Jun 8, 2005)

How would you feel if you went to visit your SIL and you started to nurse your child and she made a comment she was offended by nursing, won't be a part of it and got up and left or ushered you to another room? I assume you would be very hurt, do you want to hurt your SIL? No, I dont think so







As far as her trying to pass her infant off every chance she gets... are you really sure this is as diabolical as you make it sound? Maybe she's simply more relaxed about friends or family holding her baby than you would be. Maybe it makes her happy to be able to share her baby with her loved ones. Maybe she simply needs some recuperation time. It's possible she could really benefit from a break and takes advantage of the time she spends with family and friends to take a moment for herself because she knows her infant can still be held and cuddled as she does.

I think you need to be very sensitive to choices women make with their children, confidence is such a huge part of parenting & anyone who would chip away at that confidence is doing the mother and child a huge disservice. I'm not saying you cant have a conversation about these kinds of things with other parents, but a conversation isn't what you're after here, lets face it.. you were planning to make some kind of statement that your choices are superior, hers are substandard/shameful. You NEVER do that to another woman, especially over something like this. What other women chose to do with their children is in no way a reflection on you, just keep reminding yourself of that.


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MommyBear*
> 
> I have a new nephew that I got to see for the first time today. By new I mean he's already 4 months old. Of course I think he's the most adorable little baby ever and I'm just in love with him. His little smiles are the best and the way his eyes sparkle melts my heart (can you tell my boys are well past the baby stage?). When the subject of breastfeeding came up I was told "oh we're not doing THAT" like it was totally gross. I know my SIL and the only reason she isn't nursing is because FFing is easier for her. My heart is breaking.
> 
> ...


With all gentleness this isn't ok. If you are the one in charge of the infant for whatever reason it isn't ok for you to deny him food simply because you don't like what he has to eat. It would be no different that someone who's in charge of a breastfed infant refusing to give the child back to their mother to nurse, or refusing to give the child a bottle of EBM because they disagree with breastfeeding or the use of breastmilk.

I think you need to explore why another woman's decision WRT her child's nutrition, and what is on what on the grander scheme of things quite small, effects you so deeply. Is it ANY woman who chooses not to breastfeed that bothers you this deeply? Or just your SIL? Regardless of what the answer is you need to look more deeply into the answers and what makes you feel that way. I would guess it goes back to your own personal experience. I am sure you know though that we can not apply our own personal experiences to everyone else's lives. We can not place our priorities on others without expecting them to do the same to us.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Bokonon*
> 
> I disagree. The idea of formula feeding a baby makes the OP uncomfortable; it doesn't mean that she's planning on ostracizing the SIL, and the "lactivist cause" is irrelevant here.
> 
> ...


BECAUSE SHE'S DENYING AN INFANT COMFORT AND NOURISHMENT OTHERWISE! Let's not forget this line of reasoning does nothing but harm and punish an innocent infant who only knows they are hungry, and that they aren't being nutured and fed when they need to be. You can't put this horse back in the barn. The deed is already done, the deal already signed sealed and delivered. This baby ISN'T going to get breastmilk.


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## PatioGardener (Aug 11, 2007)

Hi OP,

From what I read of your initial post, you will not be the care giver for this baby, but instead a fun aunt that he hangs out with during your time together. It sounds like you adore him









I think the most gentle way to save yourself heartache and avoid any family conflict is just to hand baby back to Mom when he starts to show signs of hunger. If you are asked if you want to feed him, just say 'no thanks' and find something else to do.


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## homemademomma (Apr 1, 2004)

Honestly- you need to really think about why you are so uncomfortable that you can't bring yourself to feed your NEPHEW a bottle. This is how he is fed, period. I am a huge breastfeeding advocate- I breastfed both my kids until they were 3. I just gave birth to twins as a surrogate- and their parents are feeding them formula. That is their choice and I am happy to see the babies being held and cuddled and loved while they are being fed.

What about when your nephew is a toddler? Will you refuse to feed him if his mom gives him McDonald's for lunch?


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## Maeve (Feb 21, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *goodygumdrops*
> 
> I have been sitting here trying to figure out how to respond to your post so I will respond as gently as possible. While I understand that there are many people that become very passionate about their interests (ie, breastfeeding, nutrition, etc) I really believe that actions like the one your describing actually really hurt the lactivist cause. By not feeding her baby, you are ostracizing this woman, who is your SIL. Why would you want to do that? It doesn't matter if she choosing to breastfeed or formula feed, in the big scheme of life, it's really none of your business.
> 
> And yes, I do think your being really insensitive. If you choose to breastfeed in extenuating circumstances, good for you... but don't be do-gooder.


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## Maeve (Feb 21, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Pynki*
> 
> With all gentleness this isn't ok. If you are the one in charge of the infant for whatever reason it isn't ok for you to deny him food simply because you don't like what he has to eat. It would be no different that someone who's in charge of a breastfed infant refusing to give the child back to their mother to nurse, or refusing to give the child a bottle of EBM because they disagree with breastfeeding or the use of breastmilk.
> 
> ...


I wrote out a long post, lost it, and thought I would just agree all your posts.


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## Vaske (Jan 29, 2009)

Surely there's some middle ground somewhere between "just suck it up and feed the baby a bottle" and "let the baby scream and starve to death". The OP can be helpful and hold the baby until he's hungry, then mumble something about not being very good at bottlefeeding, and hand the baby off to someone else to feed. There will be other people there besides the OP and her SIL, and clearly SIL is ok with the baby being passed around.


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## MommyBear (Dec 19, 2001)

Oh for goodness sakes! I'm not denying the poor little guy anything! I'm not his caretaker in any way shape or form! I'm just there WITH HIS PARENTS chatting at a small family get together. I was just asking for suggestions on how I could politely hand the little fellow back to his mama so SHE could feed him. If I were the only adult around, yes I would feed him gladly. I would never withhold food from a baby for any reason. That is just cruel. Please don't slap that label on me. I just see such a lack of bonding with them that it makes my heart sad. Now his daddy on the other hand, it is a beautiful thing... He feeds the baby, rocks the baby, sings to the baby. It is wonderful to watch. I guess I am just a bad person for coming here to vent my feelings and to ask for advice. Sorry for making that mistake.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MommyBear*
> 
> Oh for goodness sakes! I'm not denying the poor little guy anything! I'm not his caretaker in any way shape or form! I'm just there WITH HIS PARENTS chatting at a small family get together. I was just asking for suggestions on how I could politely hand the little fellow back to his mama so SHE could feed him. If I were the only adult around, yes I would feed him gladly. I would never withhold food from a baby for any reason. That is just cruel. Please don't slap that label on me. I just see such a lack of bonding with them that it makes my heart sad. Now his daddy on the other hand, it is a beautiful thing... He feeds the baby, rocks the baby, sings to the baby. It is wonderful to watch. I guess I am just a bad person for coming here to vent my feelings and to ask for advice. Sorry for making that mistake.


How is it possible that you can see a lack of bonding between the mom and baby after only having seen them together once - just because a mother chooses to not breastfeed her child in no way means that they are not bonded.


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## MommyBear (Dec 19, 2001)

Because I've been with them physically for a short time does not mean I do not know them well. We talk regularly, video chat regularly, email regularly, facebook regularly... I'm sure you get the point. We are not strangers by any means. Physical interaction is not the only means of contact in the year 2011.


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## KristyDi (Jun 5, 2007)

OP I understood from your original post that you were in no way denying your nephew food, you would just prefer someone else do the bottle feeding because you are so upset that your SIL chose not to breastfeed. I understand your disappointment, but I think refusing to feed the baby is going overboard a bit.

My question would be, "What good will come of you refusing to feed your nephew?" Mom can't go back and choose breastfeeding now (yes I know about re-lactation, but it doesn't seem like a realistic outcome here) I don't know what you're seeing that causes you concern over how bonded mom and baby are, it seems unlikely that refusing to help (no matter how politely it's done) will do anything but make mom feel more stressed and judged for being inadequate, not encourage her to bond.

I really think your best course of action is to be helpful however you can and encourage and uplift the mom. Maybe if you develop a good relationship, you can help her nurse future babies. If she sees you as unhelpful and judgey now, you can bet she won't be wanting to emulate you or ask for help nursing future babies.


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MommyBear*
> 
> Oh for goodness sakes! I'm not denying the poor little guy anything! I'm not his caretaker in any way shape or form! I'm just there WITH HIS PARENTS chatting at a small family get together. I was just asking for suggestions on how I could politely hand the little fellow back to his mama so SHE could feed him. If I were the only adult around, yes I would feed him gladly. I would never withhold food from a baby for any reason. That is just cruel. Please don't slap that label on me. I just see such a lack of bonding with them that it makes my heart sad. Now his daddy on the other hand, it is a beautiful thing... He feeds the baby, rocks the baby, sings to the baby. It is wonderful to watch. I guess I am just a bad person for coming here to vent my feelings and to ask for advice. Sorry for making that mistake.


My apologies then. It seemed as if you were unwilling to feed the baby a bottle for any reason. I have infant aged nieces and nephews who are formula fed for a variety of reasons. It's never occurred to me that it would be a problem to hand the fussing/hungry baby back to it's parents/care givers and say "here you go X is hungry", and leave it at that. That's the upside to NOT being the parent. You don't have to deal with the hungry/fussy baby.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KristyDi*
> 
> OP I understood from your original post that you were in no way denying your nephew food, you would just prefer someone else do the bottle feeding because you are so upset that your SIL chose not to breastfeed. I understand your disappointment, but I think refusing to feed the baby is going overboard a bit.
> 
> ...


This whole thing leaves me wondering if people who think FATHER'S who aren't intimately involved with feeding are not as bonded. I mean, don't we argue just the opposite here? That there are OTHER ways to bond with the infant other than feeding? I don't know this family or their situation. I'm sure as their family the OP does know more, but I'm left with questions like, is the child in day care? Is the mother the primary care giver? Is the Father? Who's doing most of the infant care most of the time? I've had 4 kids who all breastfed more than a year, and I know that any time I could get a free moment, I would give them to some one else to snuggle so I wouldn't be as touched out by the end of the day. KWIM?


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## Katie T (Nov 8, 2008)

While I don't like to bottle feed MY babies and am very much a nursing advocate (going on 5 yrs straight of nursing) any time spent cuddling with a baby is a blessing. If you don't want to feed your nephew fine politely decline but there is still something special about cuddling with the little guy and "bottle nursing" him. Adopted couples, people who no matter all they tried could not make bfing work ect do it even though they would love to nurse. I guess what I am saying is don't judge your SIL. That is not our "job." and while I know she made a deal about bfing when asked be the gracious one.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Can't you think of it from another perspective. Like, wow, b/c she happens to not be nursing (despite how beneficial and healthy it is... and all that), I am lucky enough to get to share such a sweet and bonding experience with my nephew.

You are able to hold him and nourish him. He has to drink out of a bottle, anyway, so isn't it neat that you can help with that? I enjoy bottle-feeding other people's babies. It's so fun to snuggle them and watch them drink and smile and coo and look into my eyes. Even more so if it were a baby related to me! As an Aunt, I would be honored, and it would bring me great joy.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MommyBear*
> 
> Oh for goodness sakes! I'm not denying the poor little guy anything! I'm not his caretaker in any way shape or form! I'm just there WITH HIS PARENTS chatting at a small family get together. I was just asking for suggestions on how I could politely hand the little fellow back to his mama so SHE could feed him. If I were the only adult around, yes I would feed him gladly. I would never withhold food from a baby for any reason. That is just cruel. Please don't slap that label on me. I just see such a lack of bonding with them that it makes my heart sad. Now his daddy on the other hand, it is a beautiful thing... He feeds the baby, rocks the baby, sings to the baby. It is wonderful to watch. I guess I am just a bad person for coming here to vent my feelings and to ask for advice. Sorry for making that mistake.


You mentioned no 'lack of bonding' in your OP. Just about the Evil Formula Feeding and how you "just cannot bear to sit down and put a bottle in that baby's mouth". Surely you must be able to see that that is NOT a normal reaction. And are you teaching your children this nonsense too?

I BF my kids and I'll BF the one I'm carrying now, hopefully. But to have such an OTT reaction to bottle feeding? It's just not good for you. Or for your poor SIL! You 'can't bring yourself' to feed him? To FEED HIM?


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## MommyBear (Dec 19, 2001)

Where in any of my posts did I mention teaching this to my children? This is something that I have kept to myself aside from sharing with my DP in the comfort of our bedroom, after the children are asleep and sharing here. My children have bottle fed other babies and while they do know that breast is best, they do know that some do choose to bottle feed. I am quite able to keep my quirks to myself. Do I need help? Quite possibly yes. Maybe that is why I came here asking for help in trying to politely decline the offer to bottle feed. Maybe, just maybe I'm trying to take baby steps. Do I need people here telling me that I am mentally ill? No. I just needed a community where I could come to vent some frustrations. I'm not denying this sweet baby food. I am not denying him love or cuddles. It has been a number of years since I've had a baby to snuggle with so I am more than happy to have the chance to do that. I'm just choosing not to take part in the feeding. That does not mean that my nephew will starve, it just means that I will not be the one feeding him. I will be the one playing with him and rocking him to sleep and changing him. There are probably thousands of posts on these boards illustrating the ways to bond with a baby that are NOT feeding. Those are the ways that I will be interacting with him. I am not a monster, really I'm not.


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

Perhaps I missed it, I didn't see anyone telling you that you were mentally ill, only that you may need to seek some kind of help on this issue because it's really not a normal reaction to bottle feeding. I can understand feeling defensive when you are being told that your reaction is over the top, but with more than one person saying it, I think it's likely to be true.


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Pynki*
> 
> Perhaps I missed it, I didn't see anyone telling you that you were mentally ill, only that you may need to seek some kind of help on this issue because it's really not a normal reaction to bottle feeding. I can understand feeling defensive when you are being told that your reaction is over the top, but with more than one person saying it, I think it's likely to be true.


Then why is it ok for people in the Case Against Circumcision forum to talk about how they cut friends and family members out of their lives for circ'ing their sons, or refusing to change a diaper of a child who is circumcised??

The OP is uncomfortable over the idea of doing something out of the ordinary for her. Regardless of most of the respondents' judgments, the OP is entitled to feel how she feels. Just like many women feel totally grossed out by feeding someone else's baby expressed breastmilk.


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## MommyBear (Dec 19, 2001)

Thank you to those who have sought to understand where I'm coming from.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Bokonon*
> 
> Then why is it ok for people in the Case Against Circumcision forum to talk about how they cut friends and family members out of their lives for circ'ing their sons, or refusing to change a diaper of a child who is circumcised??


That is also utterly ridiculous. People seriously cut people out of their lives for circumcising?


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## Purple*Lotus (Nov 1, 2007)

I can't imagine refusing to feed a child. That is heartbreaking to me. I would feed this little one the way his Mom wanted me to and be thankful that I was able to help.


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *D_McG*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Yes, apparently.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MommyBear*
> 
> I have a new nephew that I got to see for the first time today... I think he's the most adorable little baby ever and I'm just in love with him...*Because of my very strong beliefs on BFing, I will not feed her son for her*. It just isn't something I can bring myself to do. I can respect her choice because it is after all, her choice no matter my feelings on the issue but *I just cannot bear to sit down and put a bottle in that baby's mouth.* I know I will be asked to. *I'm just not sure how to keep declining this "great honor" without coming off like an elitist.* Heck, maybe I am being one but *I just cannot get over the heartache I feel when I've tried to do this.* I fought hard to BF my babies (including being in a coma *twice* and losing my supply both times but working to get it back successfully both times) and I see her just throwing it all away. *Am I a bad person for feeling like this?*


OP, the fact that you asked whether you are a "bad person" for feeling the way you do indicates to me that you have some doubts about the appropriateness of your attitude toward feeding your nephew. And yes, the way you phrased your OP _does_ make you sound like an elitist. While I would never say that you are a bad person, I agree with the majority of posters here that what you are feeling is a rather extreme reaction. Personally, I believe it's more appropriate to be "heartbroken" over the many truly awful tragedies around us than by what one woman chooses to feed her baby.

From what you've said about her, It sounds as though you really don't like your SIL and have a lot of judgment about her. Maybe you could look at this vacation as a way to work on those feelings by being as supportive of her as you can. Being a loving aunt would be a natural way to bond with her and a closer relationship would perhaps enable you to be a positive influence about bf the next time around.


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## MamaofLiam (Nov 20, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *D_McG*
> 
> It breaks your heart that she's formula feeding? to the extent that you can't even hold the bottle? Really?
> 
> Have you talked to anyone about this? That is not a normal or healthy way to feel. I wish you well as you heal.


I think the above was really mean spirited. Nothing you said there helped the OP, it just put her down. I get you disagree with her position, but geez...

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Pynki*
> 
> Perhaps I missed it, I didn't see anyone telling you that you were mentally ill, only that you may need to seek some kind of help on this issue because it's really not a normal reaction to bottle feeding. I can understand feeling defensive when you are being told that your reaction is over the top, but with more than one person saying it, I think it's likely to be true.


I think the OP was perhaps interpreting the quote from D_McG as her implying she was mentally ill. I can see that.

I am feeling for the OP right now. She came her for help / advice, and she just seems to be getting slammed. I'm not saying that I agree or disagree with anyone's position. She came here genuinely looking for help, but some of you are being really harsh. Saying things to her like "are you teaching your children this nonsense" is just so unnecessary. Why don't those of you who feel the need to be mean just stick to what she asked for and help explain your point of view without reaming her in the process. Threads like these make me think twice about coming here for support on something I feel vulnerable about.


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## milkcake (Apr 25, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MommyBear*
> 
> Oh for goodness sakes! I'm not denying the poor little guy anything! I'm not his caretaker in any way shape or form! I'm just there WITH HIS PARENTS chatting at a small family get together. I was just asking for suggestions on how I could politely hand the little fellow back to his mama so SHE could feed him. If I were the only adult around, yes I would feed him gladly. I would never withhold food from a baby for any reason. That is just cruel. Please don't slap that label on me. I just see such a lack of bonding with them that it makes my heart sad. Now his daddy on the other hand, it is a beautiful thing... He feeds the baby, rocks the baby, sings to the baby. It is wonderful to watch. I guess I am just a bad person for coming here to vent my feelings and to ask for advice. Sorry for making that mistake.


Whoa... what's with the attacking? You never said you would deny your nephew food!

Mama Bear I understand how you feel. I went through something similar with my sister - she BF in the hospital and for a short short time before switching to formula, and she only did it because of her own impatience and personal issues with motherhood.

Yes it bothered me. Unfortunately it wasn't my place (granted I did ask gentle questions a few times such as why she stopped BF) and the best solution was for me to simply not be involved. It sucked! But with all the ridicule she endured from our family I didn't want to make things worse with my opinions and make her feel attacked or judged.

In your shoes I wold probably just say you're not comfortable with it, or if you think that would offend her try "well I'm sure he'd rather snuggle his mommy/daddy than me while he eats" or "I'm sure he's more comfortable in your arms than mine since he doesn't know me well enough yet"

I wish you the best.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MamaofLiam*
> 
> I think the above was really mean spirited. Nothing you said there helped the OP, it just put her down. I get you disagree with her position, but geez...
> 
> ...


Honestly it makes me very angry to read things like the OP posted. I think it's a really really shitty way to act. Incredibly arrogant and condescending to some poor young mother who is doing the best she can. I'm not going to be all 'hugs mama!' at such blatant ignorance/arrogance.


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MamaofLiam*
> 
> I think the above was really mean spirited. Nothing you said there helped the OP, it just put her down. I get you disagree with her position, but geez...
> 
> ...


Show me where I have been really harsh.


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *D_McG*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Where did she say that anything she had said to her SIL was "arrogant and condescending", and how do you know that the mother is doing the best she can? And your getting angry spurred you to post how horrible a person the OP was, instead of just ignoring it and moving on?

Jeez, I have a very close friend who won't hold other people's babies until after they can sit up on their own, and she has a child. It's just not something she's comfortable with. I would certainly never berate her or tell her she needs psychological help for having anxiety over something so minor. And I never felt it was ignorant or arrogant that she didn't hold my babies when they were babies, even though our sons are 12 days apart.


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## MamaofLiam (Nov 20, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Pynki*
> 
> Show me where I have been really harsh.


When I wrote the post I really didn't have you specifically in mind.

I quoted you b/c I wanted to point out in response to your post (about not seeing where someone said she was mentally ill) that I could see where she might have gotten that from.


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## MamaofLiam (Nov 20, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *D_McG*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I get it makes you angry. But it doesn't make it right to be mean. It's also not helping her to see your POV. It just polarizes things and makes ppl feel yucky. The OP wanted help and advice on how to deal with _her_ feelings and _her_ situation. Do you think you were helping her?


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

OP-- I can understand where you're coming from in a lot of ways. I also had to work really really really hard to nurse my son. I just have to point something out though. I have two friends who haven't breast fed their kids. They have taken tons of crap for it. Both are very close to me and I really wondered why they had chosen not to breastfeed, but I never asked. It turned out that one friend had been sexually assaulted and the thought of breastfeeding was a real trigger to her. With the other, who is one of my very best friends, she would call me crying telling me what people had said to her about not breastfeeding--really really cruel things. Despite the fact that she shared that, it took her almost five years to tell me the reason she wasn't breastfeeding which was because she was on a medication that she absolutely needed, that was completely dangerous to a breastfed baby. I have no clue why she didn't just tell people "I take a medication that the baby can't have" but for some reason, that was so private to her that she was willing to take downright abuse from people who didn't agree with formula feeding.

Your SIL probably doesn't fit into either of those scenarios. But she might fit into another category of just not having the personal and emotional resources, self esteem, or strength to do something that can be very challenging. And some people just don't know what they don't know. You obviously made huge sacrifices for your kids to get to a place where you could nurse them. Your kids are lucky and you are a great mom for going to such great lengths to breastfeed. You're not going to do anyone any good though by taking a stance on not feeding your nephew. I get that you don't feel comfortable and that he won't starve if you aren't the one giving him the bottle, but I don't see the point. I think you are trying to take a stance on something really important to you, but you have to look inside yourself and ask what you are going to accomplish exactly. What will the end result be? You are going to create hard feelings within your family. You feel strongly about breastfeeding. Don't underestimate how strongly your SIL is going to feel about your stance or the conclusion that she is being "judged." I agree with you that this isn't the ideal situation and that mom doesn't sound super bonded to this baby. That is even more reason to create a good relationship with SIL. You will have more influence over her parenting if she is able to see you modeling appropriate parenting, attachment, meeting baby's needs, etc. It is much easier to influence behavior than dictate what another person does, especially when your tactic is refusing bottle feeding. If SIL can feel like you are not judging her and like you *support* her choices, she is more likely to look to you for advice, direction, support, etc. Then you will be a bigger part of your nephew's life and he will be the real winner in this. Good luck OP...


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## stiss (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *TCMoulton*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Agreed. I think you need to look inside yourself and decide what it is that your problem really is, here. I'm not sure if you've internalized your own struggles to the point that you're unfairly projecting them onto your SIL, or you're being judgmental about FF to the point of excess, or maybe both. Why is it that your brother's feeding the baby makes you mushy, but your SIL's feeding the baby "breaks your heart"? Children being loved and cared for by their parents shouldn't encite heartbreak in others, even if you don't share their choices. Statements like that are such over the top hyperbole, and if they're not, they're indicative of misplaced judgment.

I worked my butt off to breastfeed my kids as best I could. Round-the-clock pumping, lactation aids, drugs, and many, many tears...and yet, I still had to give my kid formula to survive. Do I feel a longing when other mothers can nurse without these issues? Yes. Do I think all mothers SHOULD try and nurse? Yes - but I don't think it's my place to judge them for making other choices, since it's not my body, or my baby, and because on the whole, good parenting will ALWAYS be about so much more than whether you choose to nurse or not. I hated feeling like a failure every time I put a bottle to my child's mouth. It was WRONG to feel that way, and not just because I "did all that I could". It's totally besides the point, and I hate listening to that kind of ugly judgment from other mothers.

So, to answer your question - when you're with the family, enjoy the little baby. If you can't get past the horror of seeing a poor neglected child being bottlefed, then make an excuse and hand the baby to someone who would be happy to oblige. However, for goodness sake, take some time to think about the fact that maybe, just maybe, you're internalizing your own struggles in an unhealthy way - what you did for your kids is really commendable (I don't know the details, but I do know how hard it is to struggle with breastfeeding) - so just be proud of your hard work. That pride should come without having to hold everyone else to those standards, since it was ultimately your personal CHOICE - one that is every mother's right to make, without judgment.


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

Actually? Given the number of women who have been sexually assaulted or abused, she may not be breastfeeding for exactly such a reason. Just as women who have, or are, breastfeeding don't want to be told where they can or can not breastfeed, that they shouldn't expose children to "that", or that they are abusing their child for breastfeeding a child older than 6 months; women who choose to use formula for their infants shouldn't have to explain themselves either.

How we feed our children is a deeply personal decision often times laced with traumas from our past. No one should have to justify how they are feeding their children so long as their nutritional and emotional needs are being met.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Bokonon*
> 
> Jeez, I have a very close friend who won't hold other people's babies until after they can sit up on their own, and she has a child. It's just not something she's comfortable with. I would certainly never berate her or tell her she needs psychological help for having anxiety over something so minor. And I never felt it was ignorant or arrogant that she didn't hold my babies when they were babies, even though our sons are 12 days apart.


Does she refuse to hold them because she 'can't bear' some aspect of your mothering? I would assume not. You just can't compare the two, seriously.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MamaofLiam*
> 
> I get it makes you angry. But it doesn't make it right to be mean. It's also not helping her to see your POV. It just polarizes things and makes ppl feel yucky. The OP wanted help and advice on how to deal with _her_ feelings and _her_ situation. Do you think you were helping her?


She didn't want advice on how to deal with her feelings. She wanted advice on how to pass the baby off when it was feeding time so she wouldn't have to 'bear' putting a bottle to his lips.









I see no harm in the OP hearing just how rotten a thing that is to say/feel so that she might be able to get a grip before polluting anyone else's head or feelings with it.


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## stiss (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama* 


> Your SIL probably doesn't fit into either of those scenarios. But she might fit into another category of just not having the personal and emotional resources, self esteem, or strength to do something that can be very challenging. And some people just don't know what they don't know. You obviously made huge sacrifices for your kids to get to a place where you could nurse them. Your kids are lucky and you are a great mom for going to such great lengths to breastfeed. You're not going to do anyone any good though by taking a stance on not feeding your nephew. I get that you don't feel comfortable and that he won't starve if you aren't the one giving him the bottle, but I don't see the point. I think you are trying to take a stance on something really important to you, but you have to look inside yourself and ask what you are going to accomplish exactly. What will the end result be? You are going to create hard feelings within your family. You feel strongly about breastfeeding. Don't underestimate how strongly your SIL is going to feel about your stance or the conclusion that she is being "judged." I agree with you that this isn't the ideal situation and that mom doesn't sound super bonded to this baby. That is even more reason to create a good relationship with SIL. You will have more influence over her parenting if she is able to see you modeling appropriate parenting, attachment, meeting baby's needs, etc. It is much easier to influence behavior than dictate what another person does, especially when your tactic is refusing bottle feeding. If SIL can feel like you are not judging her and like you *support* her choices, she is more likely to look to you for advice, direction, support, etc. Then you will be a bigger part of your nephew's life and he will be the real winner in this. Good luck OP...


This is really, really good advice. I hope you can take it to heart, because it was given with gentleness and restraint.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *D_McG*
> 
> I see no harm in the OP hearing just how rotten a thing that is to say/feel so that she might be able to get a grip before polluting anyone else's head or feelings with it.


Ease up a little D_McG. Being just slightly gentle can go a long way. You don't have to always attack the person in the thread when you disagree with them.


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## MamaofLiam (Nov 20, 2010)

OP I think if _you_ aren't comfortable with it, don't do it. It's perfectly acceptable to snuggle, hug and play with the baby in other ways. I'm a big believer in honoring one's emotions / feelings. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would love to feed the baby. A lot of people really enjoy that. I don't think you should have to feel bad that you don't want to. Do you think you will be put on the spot? B/c I think it would be really important to not make your SIL feel bad also. You don't want to come across as if you are trying to make a statement judging how they feed their baby. I would just try to avoid being in the situation where that would happen.

As a side note - I have a cousin who refused to hold my baby until he was past the age of 1. She does have children of her own, but I was okay with that. I would never want someone to do something they didn't feel comfortable doing.

I would suggest avoiding making negative judgments of your SIL (I'm not saying you have), b/c like pp's have pointed out who really knows what's going on. People have to do what works for them. My personal opinion is that most important thing is that the baby is loved and cared for - and there are lots of different ways to do that.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> Ease up a little D_McG. Being just slightly gentle can go a long way. You don't have to always attack the person in the thread when you disagree with them.


I don't usually. But this has made me very angry and I'm not apologizing. Plenty of people are doing the hugs mama thing. I'm not going to be fake.

BUT I have wasted enough energy here. So I will bow out.


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## kamikazismom (Feb 22, 2011)

MommyBear, I understand where you are coming from. I also have "extremist" views on infant feeding. BUT....I keep my opinions to myself. I may vent in private to my husband, but I don't let other mothers know how upset I get when I see them choosing not to breastfeed. I'm sure there are things that I do that other mothers don't agree with, but I don't want to hear thier negative opinions of me, so I don't share mine either. If you are asked to feed the baby, you could say "no thanks" or you could just do it and then vent to someone later who understands how hard it was for you to do it. Good luck!


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## bonjourmama (Jan 20, 2011)

You ARE an elitist OP, and I honestly think you need to work through some of your own feelings of inadequacies.

This is the kind of garbage that divides us as mothers, not brings us together.

I am disgusted.


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## Mommy2Austin (Oct 10, 2006)

OP I totally get your feelings. I also understand that you felt these feelings *PRIVATELY* and weren't off spewing them to your SIL and brother. I agree with the others who have said to just politely hand DN off to his mom or dad when he's hungry. There's no reason (unless you were ALONE with him) you need to feed him his bottle. You are not a bad person just because you had feelings that were contrary to others opinions.

I had a hard time after my nephew was born with my sister not breastfeeding. She literally did it because she is lazy. She wanted to be able to hand off baby whenever she wanted and not have to look back until she was ready to play mommy dearest. I know this because I've watched my sister since day one. She takes the path that lets her have the most fun and the least amount of personal responsibility. I did feed my nephew his bottle when I came home from work one night and my BIL had come with the baby to the house. I also watched him sputter and choke on his bottle because my sister couldn't be bothered to buy slow flow nipples. She wanted him to eat and eat quick. It was hard and I tried to alleviate as much of the issue (holding him upright and letting him take sips from the bottle, frequent burping to avoid a belly ache and spit up) as I could without a bottle in the house to use for him.

I can't say who your SIL is or if something happened to her (traumatic or otherwise) to make her dislike breastfeeding. I'm glad from what you said that your brother appears to enjoy holding and rocking the baby while he eats so at least if his mom isn't the cuddling type he has it from some end. Thankfully this stage in life is short and you probably won't have to see/deal with it much and be able to move past it as he grows up 

I was a little surprised at the lack of compassion and the amount of assumptions in this thread. Even some who disagreed were able to say it matter-of-factly without calling names or slinging insults. I'm glad I don't pride myself on being perfect! My medical bills would be through the roof for the amount of times I'd fall off that high horse.


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## MamaofLiam (Nov 20, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bonjourmama*
> 
> You ARE an elitist OP, and I honestly think you need to work through some of your own feelings of inadequacies.
> 
> ...


Did you not read through the entire post? Wow! The garbage that divides us is you and your mud slinging. God you're just nasty.


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## bonjourmama (Jan 20, 2011)

Are you kidding me???? MUD slinging??? I realize OP says she was in a coma. My response has nothing to do with that!

OP, sorry for your struggles, but you said you didn't want to "sound" elitist, and you asked, so I gave my opinion. But if you didn't give my kid a bottle because you didn't feel comfortable as a result of YOUR OWN ISSUES, I would personally give you the name and number of my therapist. Because that's an issue.

Get well.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

You really can disagree with an individual without making it into a personal attack.

That said, OP, I think you're borrowing trouble. If you don't want to feed this baby, there is an easy solution: don't. My DP diapered our children almost every time they needed a diaper change that he was home. A few years ago, when they were well out of diapers, he decided he was done with that part of his life, lol. If our nieces or nephews need a diaper change, he just passes the baby off. It's not his kid, not his job.

I'm sure that if you have several other adults available there will be at least one who will be *thrilled* to feed the baby. Instead of making it an issue, just pass the baby back to Mom or Dad and call it good. If, for some reason, you feel like you would be unwilling to feed the baby (doesn't sound like it), make sure you're not left alone with him any where near feeding time. Not everyone has to do all things.


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## Viriditas (Aug 30, 2004)

OP, I just want to share a story to let you know that I understand how you feel, to some extent.

I visited my sister when her daughter was about 2 weeks old. She was breastfeeding and supplementing with formula, I'm pretty sure for no other reason but her husband's weird hang-ups and control issues. She was also claiming that she had a low supply, even though she told me later she was frequently engorged. Anyway, DN got hungry, and my sister asked if I'd like to give her a bottle, saying that she was going to "save her milk for later."

Now I knew that if I tried to encourage her to breastfeed instead, I would just come off as pushy and judgmental. I knew that she was fully aware of how breastfeeding worked and that it wasn't the best idea to give a bottle if she was trying to get her supply up. I kept my mouth shut, helped her mix the formula, and sat down to feed my niece, really, really wishing she was getting her mama's milk instead. I was very uncomfortable at first, but as I snuggled that little baby and watch her become calm and sleepy as her tummy filled, I was just glad I could make her comfortable and happy.

OP, can I gently suggest that you just try feeding your nephew once? I understand that your feelings are strong, but your reaction might not be as bad as you think it will be. And if it's something you really can't handle once you start, you can always claim you have to pee and pass him off to someone else.

Whatever you do, please don't make an excuse like, "I'm not very good at bottle feeding." Now THAT really sounds snarky and passive-aggressive. If you're holding the baby, he gets hungry, and you feel too uncomfortable to feed him, just hand him to someone else cheerfully, telling them he's hungry. If they ask you to feed him or why you don't want to feed him, LIE! Say you have to pee or your have to make a phone call, or something totally unrelated. The baby's parents shouldn't have to feel as if you're looking down on them or judging them, even if you are.

And please do examine your feelings and try to figure out why you feel so strongly about this. You don't want to get into a situation where you simply can't handle other people not living up to your parenting ideals. Even parents you admire probably do some things you'd disagree with pretty strongly. If you set yourself up on some pedestal that no one else can reach, you might find yourself getting a little lonely.


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## fyrebloom (Jun 12, 2006)

Ok, So I haven't read all the responses, just the first page, but I completely understand where you are coming from. If she needed help and needed me to give him a bottle or if I were watching him while mom and dad are out then yes, of course I'd give the baby a bottle. If offered to feed the baby I'd simply say no thank you, and hand the baby back to his parents. No explanation needed, just no thanks. I'm happy to play with the baby, change a diaper, give a bath but mom can feed the baby if she's around. There are lots of ways to be a wonderful Aunt without that. Granted if she asks WHY you won't feed the baby a bottle I'd probably just say that It's ok I don't need to you go ahead or I'm much better at feeding baby food, catch me in a couple of months. She probably really does feel like she's doing something special for you by letting you so do respect that and keep it in mind when declining. There is no reason to feed the baby at this age, when he starts solid foods there will be ample opportunity to do so.


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## fyrebloom (Jun 12, 2006)

Wow, there is SO much nastiness on this thread! Yikes! You'd think she was trying to starve her nephew! When we breastfeed we do it all. There is no dad helping (unless we pump.... much more of a PITA then feeding baby at the tap) there is only mom and her breasts. There is this attitude that if you formula feed you can just pawn the baby off to the nearest set of arms and it's "an honor" to feed them smelly staining dairy product. What is wrong with saying no? What is wrong with saying you feed your child just as I fed mine, you do it your way and I do it my way and that's the end of it. Propping a bottle in his mouth isn't anything more then feeding the baby and I wouldn't be comfortable doing it either. I personally wouldn't want my kids to see me bottle feeding a child or learning that it was OK to pass of their responsibilities to others just because they can. This is not anything to do with formula, it's ALL about responsibility and the way we bond with babies. I don't bond with bottles, I bond with play and other child care duties. I don't expect anyone to breastfeed (def not formula feed if I am able) my babies I don't expect to feed anyone elses babies. Period.


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fyrebloom*
> 
> Wow, there is SO much nastiness on this thread! Yikes! You'd think she was trying to starve her nephew! When we breastfeed we do it all. There is no dad helping (unless we pump.... much more of a PITA then feeding baby at the tap) there is only mom and her breasts. *There is this attitude that if you formula feed you can just pawn the baby off to the nearest set of arms and it's "an honor" to feed them smelly staining dairy product. * What is wrong with saying no? What is wrong with saying you feed your child just as I fed mine, you do it your way and I do it my way and that's the end of it. Propping a bottle in his mouth isn't anything more then feeding the baby and I wouldn't be comfortable doing it either. *I personally wouldn't want my kids to see me bottle feeding a child or learning that it was OK to pass of their responsibilities to others just because they can.* This is not anything to do with formula, it's ALL about responsibility and the way we bond with babies. I don't bond with bottles, I bond with play and other child care duties. I don't expect anyone to breastfeed (def not formula feed if I am able) my babies I don't expect to feed anyone elses babies. Period.


Wow. Talk about nastiness in one post. So, in your previous post the parents are trying to share something special, and now they are pawning the baby off and trying to dodge their responsibilities. And just as an FYI: Babies don't bond to bottles as a general course of action either ,at least not any more than my children were bonded with my breasts. They DO bond with the person FEEDING them regardless of the way it is done.

But, all because they let someone else feed their infant they're irresponsible bad influences? Really? Well, huh. That's... interesting.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fyrebloom*
> 
> Wow, there is SO much nastiness on this thread! Yikes! You'd think she was trying to starve her nephew! When we breastfeed we do it all. There is no dad helping (unless we pump.... much more of a PITA then feeding baby at the tap) there is only mom and her breasts. There is this attitude that if you formula feed you can just pawn the baby off to the nearest set of arms and it's "an honor" to feed them smelly staining dairy product. What is wrong with saying no? What is wrong with saying you feed your child just as I fed mine, you do it your way and I do it my way and that's the end of it. Propping a bottle in his mouth isn't anything more then feeding the baby and I wouldn't be comfortable doing it either. I personally wouldn't want my kids to see me bottle feeding a child or learning that it was OK to pass of their responsibilities to others just because they can. This is not anything to do with formula, it's ALL about responsibility and the way we bond with babies. I don't bond with bottles, I bond with play and other child care duties. I don't expect anyone to breastfeed (def not formula feed if I am able) my babies I don't expect to feed anyone elses babies. Period.


Wow. I really hope you are kidding because otherwise this is the meanest, nastiest post I have read here in a very long time.


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## NannyMcPhee (Nov 24, 2010)

This thread is really sad. All of us here know how important family support is throughout your life and in particular in those vunerable few months after you have a baby. It is just mind-blowing for me to see that some people will only lend that support if they are doing things exactly as they would.

OP, your baby nephew sounds like a charming, sweet, healthy, happy little baby. Obviously his mother is doing something right. If you don't want to feed him in a way you deem inferior, don't, I am sure their will be plenty more loving arms available that will be happy to enjoy the giggles, gurgles and snuffles while they fill his tummy.

Signed,

An avid breastfeeder who passed her baby off whenever she got a chance! (Babies like socialising too and mummy likes eating with two hands)


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

Well I guess I kind of get what OP is saying. Kind of. I feel sad when I see a mom not BFing. I think human milk is very important for a human baby(expressed or from the tap). I wouldn't refuse to bottle feed a baby though, especially a relatives.

I don't think her bonding has much to do with how she chose to feed the baby though. She is a first time mom right? Maybe she doesn't even know how important feeding time is for the baby (other than nourishment). Maybe she is exhausted like most moms with a baby this age and just needs some help. Who knows?


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## Amatullah0 (Apr 7, 2009)

I wouldn't want to feed the baby a bottle of formula either. Formula smells bad. Babies who drink formula(or even BM from a bottle) tend to spit up more, and dribble and the spit up from formula not only smells terrible, but it stains.

That said, I've formula fed a friend's baby when said friend was in a bind. No biggie, to me. She can prepare the bottle, and give it to me, I'll feed the hungry baby. If mom was out of the house, I'd make the bottle and feed the baby. If other people were around who were willing to feed the baby, then fine, let them feed the baby.

I used to give DS about 4oz of formula every week or so, and if someone else was around who I thought might like to feed him, then I let them. They get to enjoy feeding DS and I get a break.

But if you don't feel comfortable with bottle feeding your nephew, then don't. Be busy when baby is hungry, or find the nearest relative and say "want to feed him?"


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## mamadebug (Dec 28, 2006)

What really jumps out at me is how much judgement this thread has!

APToddler mama has some really great points! You never, never really know what goes into a person's decision to breast feed or bottle feed. There are sooooo many potential reasons a mom may choose to bottle feed, and really, many of them are probably very personal and not something a mom may want to share with the whole world - no mom owes anyone an explanation for how she feeds her baby. I have known moms who have chosen not to breast feed for many reasons - a mom who was sexually assaulted and had issues with her body and boundaries, a mom who was bipolar and needed to be on a medicine that wasn't compatible with breast feeding, a mom who was suffering form PP depression and simply needed to be able to have a break from her child and not have the sole responsibility of providing for every need (that could come off as "lazy" - yikes!) and the list goes on..... I am all for breast feeding - I breast fed my son until he was over 2 years old. Since then, I had breast cancer and bilateral mastectomy. We hope to adopt - and I obviously won't be breast feeding that baby. I know people jump to conclusions, which is sad to me....at the same time, I don't feel like I owe the world any explanation why I would be bottle feeding a baby. Sometimes the reason for a person's decision is more obvious, and sometimes it is less obvious. My feeling is that the world would be a much better place if we acknowledge that we rarely know why a person is doing exactly what they are doing, assume they are doing the best they can in that moment and then be as loving towards them as possible. So, in this instance, I would say it is totally healthy to acknowledge your feelings that you think breast feeding is best and it is clearly the decision you would make for your child; acknowledge that you probably don't know exactly why your SIL is bottle feeding; and then love on your little nephew as much as you can, including feeding him if you have the chance to spend time with him that way.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

I grew up feeding babies, and to be honest, it was a chore I didn't like. It was a chore that many didn't like, apparently, because they were always trying to get me to do it, although sometimes had friends who visited who wanted to do it. My younger sister had two children by the time she was 18, they were a year apart and I would babysit them for her, and some days it was easier to prop the bottle, so I did. The two year old needed more attention, so bottle propping was easier at times, not only for me, but for others in my family. I know some people like to give bottles to babies, some don't. Some people like holding babies, some don't. I'm thinking if she asks you to feed the bottle, just give a polite "Oh, no thank you, perhaps X would like to have a chance" or something.

I realize it is harder with relatives, but I was visiting some friends with my new baby, and I held her out to a woman, and she took her. And then she said, rather shocked, "Amy, you gave me your baby, you shouldn't just hand her to me without asking me first." She really didn't feel comfortable holding my baby. I apologized to her, because I realized I had just assumed she'd want to hold my baby, who wouldn't want to hold my wonderful baby?







But my husband will never hold someone else's baby, it makes him very uncomfortable as well. He just jokes about it like, "No, sorry, I know it's a you break it, you buy it policy" or "I'm only willing to risk breaking my own baby, not anyone else's."

I've known women who chose to bottlefeed, not breastfeed, and at least one of them said she always held her baby to feed them the bottles, even when they were old enough to hold their own. It was a bonding thing for her, she felt it was important. But I don't think there is anyway to say something like that without sounding judgmental--I mean you could say, "Oh, no thanks, that's such an important bonding moment, I don't want to deprive your or <father's name> of that" but that would sound passive-aggresive even if you meant it sincerely. And I don't think that only mother's need to feed bottles to their baby, but I do think that someone who cares should be there interacting with the baby.

I didn't like feeding bottles to babies as a kid and teen because it tied me down. My older sister and younger sister both asked to do it because they had things they wanted to do instead. I just felt trapped in a chair with both hands occupied, I couldn't even scratch my nose or hold a book. Seriously, it was one of the reasons I thought I might breastfeed, I thought it might be easier (I didn't know I'd have to hold my breast too, and that I'd wish I had 4 arms in the beginning). But if she asks you could say, "No thanks, why don't you take a break and feed him, and I can help you finish what you were doing." That's kind of going from the angle that one of the benefits of breastfeeding is that it forces you to take a break from whatever you are doing, and really, that's not unique to breastfeeding. So maybe if you can do a chore for her, she'll be happy with that.


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## beckybird (Mar 29, 2009)

The OP is uncomfortable with bottlefeeding her nephew. Why does that make her a candidate for psychotherapy?

I personally would not be comfortable feeding solids to a 2 month old. Should I schedule an appointment with a therapist?

OP--I understand why you asked for advice. You are not comfortable with the way your SIL is feeding her baby. You do not want to offend her or hurt her feelings, right? So you wanted advice on how to decline feeding her baby, without her catching on. You also wanted to vent to faceless people on the internet (instead of complaining to somebody you know, because you don't want it to get back to your SIL.) You are trying to spare her feelings, and figure out how to deal with a situation that makes you uncomfortable. So, why are you being flamed? Because you have an opinion that is in the minority.

All of you who disagree.....do you know the ingredients of most formulas? And you still want to put that junk into a tiny baby? Now, if it is a healthy organic type of formula, that's a different story. But most formulas are disgusting waste, and it is a shame they sell the stuff for babies. I wouldn't want to give a baby fluoride laced nursery water either. Nor would I want to hand a McDonald's cheeseburger over to a little baby. These examples make me uncomfortable. I would try to find a polite way to get out of the situation, without alerting or offending the parent.

Maybe my point is this--you are allowed to have personal judgments, but keep them to yourself, and don't do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Yep, that sums it up!


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

OP are you still even reading? People have been very cruel in order to teach you not to be cruel here! Nothing like a slap to teach No Hitting now is there?

I think i understand. Both sides.

When i had DD1 i co-slept (bear with me). I had a work colleague who told me not to. She had lost a baby to SIDS 17 years earlier, and the doctors at the time had completely convinced her that it was because he was in her bed that he had died. I co-slept, knowing the ways to make it as safe as possible, and knowing it was the right thing for our bonding and our BFing relationship (i actually lost my milk at 7months PP, having had to supplement from 4months, due to a thyroid issue). Periodically i called into work and she would ask and when i said yes, i was co-sleeping still, she would react angrily and demand to know why and i would explain again the things i did to make it safer. One day, when DD was about 9 or 10weeks old i got an email from her. In it she said how disgusting i was, how she could not believe i would risk my baby's life for such a ridiculous thing as breastfeeding, how she had bonded to her younger 2 fine without co-sleeping. She said, in that email, "every time you go to bed with your daughter you kill my baby one more time".

Now, that was an incredibly strong reaction, and at the time i deleted the email and never spoke to her again. But now i understand more. Her loss was unspeakably painful for her. She had not fully dealt with that pain (can anyone? Is a lifetime long enough to get over such a loss?) and the knowledge that someone such as me, someone she saw as intelligent and thoughtful, could do what she believed was responsible for her child's death just made her so incredible angry and sad. She had been through SO SO MUCH and she was thoroughly repelled by my behaviour.

Perhaps it is similar to what you feel about BFing? You went through a massive amount of pain, illness, hardship and effort to BF your children. You went to hell and back top give them human milk. Perhaps therefore it is seriously painful for you to watch someone who could have done what you did WITHOUT all of that pain nonchalantly decide not to. It was almost life-and-death for you to decide to BF, it must be very painful indeed to watch someone else casually choose not to. Perhaps there is still a lot of trauma there, inside you, surrounding that journey? I know after i lost my milk with #1 i felt so bitter towards both those who didn't try to BF and those who tried and succeeded. It was NOT FAIR! I tried so hard and had such a tough time, how could they do it (or decide not to do it) so easily!?

So from that POV i really understand why giving a bottle might be just too too painful for you. All of the struggle and battle you went through to NOT give your babies a bottle - you probably only succeeded because of a rejection of bottle-feeding, an IRON determination to BF. Are you supposed to be able to let all of that go, the psychological weapons you NEEDED to feed your babies how you wanted to, in a heart-beat just because it's someone else's baby? I think that's a big ask. I don't think you're trying to be superior or cruel, i think you developed an aversion to the bottle as a way of helping you secure your victory to BF, and that it is deeply enough ingrained that it's hard for you to "let go". I would guess this has nothing to do with SIL, or her feelings (i don't mean you're callous, i mean this is a reaction of YOUR internal feelings, not you seeking to alter hers).

On the other hand, i can see that in reality it's unlikely that SIL is FFing because of not wanting to bond, or passing the baby about because of that either. If it's SIL's #1 maybe she's finding the transition hard (and her body is probably acting like her baby died, since chemically that's what not BFing tells the brain). I BFed DD1 as long as i could, but i certainly struggled a lot with motherhood. And i loved to pump and let someone else feed the baby, because i NEEDED a break, y/k? I know you know. I'm sure you're familiar with that feeling of being totally overstretched!

So i want to pose you a question - if SIL was BFing and you had milk, would you cross-nurse your nephew if she asked you to? Cross-nursing is how women in more enlightened cultures share the load of mothering. You don't (i assume, could be wrong!) have milk, and this baby isn't able to nurse (and i know he WOULD have been, but he hasn't learned so the outcome on the given day you hold him is the same, yes? He cannot nurse at the breast), so giving him a bottle is how in this specific situation you can share this aspect of the mothering load with SIL. I know it isn't the same. I know it. But it's "the same" as possible in this situation.

Of course you are always welcome to NOT want to share the load with her in this way, and in that case i suggest you find different but reasonable excuses each time (so she doesn't feel judged). Such as "you know, i promised DC that i'd read that new story book" or "i've been hogging him in the sling all morning, maybe daddy would like to have a snuggle now?" or "i really need to run and get (*make it something critical or something THEY mentioned needing*) i'll go now while you feed him so we can do XYZ-fun-thing when you're done".

Hugs to you, these are hard feelings to navigate. I think you're doing good!


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *BeckyBird*
> 
> But most formulas are disgusting waste, and it is a shame they sell the stuff for babies. I wouldn't want to give a baby fluoride laced nursery water either. Nor would I want to hand a McDonald's cheeseburger over to a little baby


Did you seriously just compare formula to a cheeseburger?

With a straight face?


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

*possible trigger SA mentioned* For the record I was raped and still BF. IDK I keep reading if you get sexually assaulted you don't BF...it kind of makes me mad. Being raped has nothing to do with nursing a baby and my attacker was very fond of breasts...it is totally different. If a woman chooses not to for that reason that is her choice, but don't assume the sexually assaulted can't/do't want to BF. BFing actually help me feel good about my body again. Same thing with a natural birth. They actually made me have a psych eval to have a drug free non-hospital birth...I just don't get it SA and babies are totally different unless baby was from SA. Just saying...


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## AlexisT (May 6, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *BeckyBird*
> 
> The OP is uncomfortable with bottlefeeding her nephew. Why does that make her a candidate for psychotherapy?
> 
> ...


No, I wouldn't feed solids to a 2mo old. But the AAP, CDC, and WHO don't say they're an appropriate substitute for breastmilk, either, and they do say that for formula. You're comparing apples and oranges. Whether or not it personally makes you uncomfortable is not the litmus test for whether something is reasonable or not.

The ingredients in formula are pretty much standardized and they are heavily regulated by the government. The difference between organic and regular is that organic uses organic milk and vegetable oils. Contrary to popular belief here on MDC, regular formula (I've checked both Enfamil and Similac regular) do NOT contain table sugar or HFCS; their sugar is lactose. (Lactose free, soy, and hydrolyzed formulas use an alternative sweetener, but this is true across the board--if you could buy organic Nutramigen, it would still have corn syrup in it, to keep it lactose-free.) In fact, it was an organic formula that contained sucrose (table sugar) instead of lactose a couple of years back.

Every time formula feeding comes up on MDC, someone compares it to McDonalds. The comparison is a fail. Formula is the ONLY appropriate substitute when breastmilk is unavailable. Please find me a reputable source saying that McDonalds is an appropriate substitute for anything. At 4 months, this baby has 2 realistic choices: Formula or starve. (I am aware of donor milk. Even if you could provide donor milk for this baby, there are millions of others. Donor milk is never going to replace formula.) The decision is done, the water is under the bridge, and acting disapproving isn't going to change anything.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sosurreal09*
> 
> *possible trigger SA mentioned* For the record I was raped and still BF. IDK I keep reading if you get sexually assaulted you don't BF...it kind of makes me mad. Being raped has nothing to do with nursing a baby and my attacker was very fond of breasts...it is totally different. If a woman chooses not to for that reason that is her choice, but don't assume the sexually assaulted can't/do't want to BF. BFing actually help me feel good about my body again. Same thing with a natural birth. They actually made me have a psych eval to have a drug free non-hospital birth...I just don't get it SA and babies are totally different unless baby was from SA. Just saying...


I'm kind of with you on this (i was abused by a male relative for 7 years from the age of 5) BUT i also know a few women who were this way. One never wore a well-fitted bra because after what her father had done (under the umbrella of SA, no idea of specifics) the idea of anyone looking at or touching her breasts was unbearable and brought on a disabling panic attack so she could never face trying on bras or having a fitting done. She did actually try to BF her #1 and i witnessed one of her attempts. She was grey, side-lying, with a pulse of 163 as she vomited into a paper hat (in the hospital) and shook and trembled as the one midwife she trusted tried to get her baby latched. The baby, of course, did not persist in attempts sensing the effect the situation was having on her mother. She FF afterwards and all the rest she went straight to FF.

I personally found unmedicated homebirth and breastfeeding to be incredibly empowering and, for me, was a "taking back" of some of the love and respect for my body my abuser stole from me. But it just isn't for everyone. For some women the damage is going to take longer than they will live to recover from, and those women should be supported to live their lives and have their families if they so choose, even if they end up using medication for birth and FF for feeding. It has to be a balance of losses in those situations, yk? Is it worse for a baby to miss out of BF, or for a woman to be forced to be childless until she can become "ok" about scars someone else left her with. It's a bit like telling victims of SA they're not allowed to use lubricant - i had severe FSD (female sex dysfunction - couldn't get physically aroused) for years, really, over a decade. I NEEDED that lubricant to have any sort of normal relationship (i accept others don't feel that way about sex, but i did). It wasn't ideal. But it made my life much better.


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

I certainly wasn't trying to say they should do it against their will-just saying it shouldn't be assumed they wouldn't do it.


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *BeckyBird*
> 
> The OP is uncomfortable with bottlefeeding her nephew. Why does that make her a candidate for psychotherapy?
> 
> ...


That's like saying you are only ok with feeding your kid organic carrots and anyone who is feeding their children NOT organic carrots may as well be feeding them McDonalds. Sure you COULD think that, but you'd be just as wrong and inaccurate as you are here. Has anyone argued that breastmilk isn't the most optimal food for infants here? Anyone? Nope. They haven't. But it is NOT the same as feeding them McDonald's. Last I checked, after having watched "Supersize Me", I've never heard of a doctor concerned about liver disease or hypertension and heart disease from a baby eating infant formula everyday, but they sure as hell are when you eat McDonald's everyday.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sosurreal09*
> 
> *possible trigger SA mentioned* For the record I was raped and still BF. IDK I keep reading if you get sexually assaulted you don't BF...it kind of makes me mad. Being raped has nothing to do with nursing a baby and my attacker was very fond of breasts...it is totally different. If a woman chooses not to for that reason that is her choice, but don't assume the sexually assaulted can't/do't want to BF. BFing actually help me feel good about my body again. Same thing with a natural birth. They actually made me have a psych eval to have a drug free non-hospital birth...I just don't get it SA and babies are totally different unless baby was from SA. Just saying...


Not all women react to sexual assaults the same way. I know some women who found birth and breastfeeding empowering. Some wanted a completely natural, unmedicated birth. Others who wanted the epidural before the first contraction. Others who wanted absolutely no internal exams, and others who wanted to opt for a straight c=section. Some women can't stand to have their breasts touched under any circumstances while others find it helps them see their breasts in a non-sexual light. I'm not going to tell a sexual abuse survivor that they are doing it wrong because of how they handle both children and childbirth along with their fall out from sexual assault so long as their children are being taken care of.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

I'm removing this, for the time being. My kid is sick and I don't have time to wade through it, and it's been reported twice, and I won't be back on until late tonight. I'll take a look at it when I am able to.

Edited to add: Could we all remember to keep the discussion civil? We can disagree with each other, and even express strong negative feelings about an issue, in ways that preserve a respectful and welcoming atmosphere.


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## grapejuicemama (Nov 18, 2005)

I'm really glad that this isn't the first time that I've ever been on MDC, because if it were, I would never come back after reading the horribly rude comments. Just.......wow.


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## Thandiwe (May 14, 2007)

PLEASE TAKE NOTE!!

For all who have posted in this thread so far: it is imperative that you go back through your threads and remove profanity. There have been vulgar and profane words used within this thread, and we have begun to receive complaints from folks that it is offensive. Per our user agreement, which you can quickly and easily find linked in my siggy, you are not to engage in profanity on the boards. I'll give everyone a chance to clean up their posts and remove profanity (swearing) before I go through and begin issuing warnings to those posts in offense. Thank you!

Let's work together to keep this community respectful, dignified, and kind to others. The words we say today can often come back to hurt us tomorrow. Think about what you're saying before you send off a heated response, please.


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## hildare (Jul 6, 2009)

you know what? in two years or less, none of your concerns will matter and you'll have a sweet toddler to hang out with.

people formula feed. for lots of reasons. my friend has a disease which makes her unable to breastfeed and i doubt she'd be interested in sharing that information with judgey strangers or close family either. i gave bottles to her sweet little babies. and now they're not babies anymore. i think people forget that they can move past all of this pretty quickly.

apparently people seem to forget how difficult it is to be a new parent, though, and to need support of any kind. personally, i was so overwhelmed when i had dd that it might have truly sent me over the edge if i had felt judged or rejected like that by somebody i valued. eek.


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Pynki*
> 
> That's like saying you are only ok with feeding your kid organic carrots and anyone who is feeding their children NOT organic carrots may as well be feeding them McDonalds. Sure you COULD think that, but you'd be just as wrong and inaccurate as you are here. Has anyone argued that breastmilk isn't the most optimal food for infants here? Anyone? Nope. They haven't. But it is NOT the same as feeding them McDonald's. Last I checked, after having watched "Supersize Me", I've never heard of a doctor concerned about liver disease or hypertension and heart disease from a baby eating infant formula everyday, but they sure as hell are when you eat McDonald's everyday.
> 
> Not all women react to sexual assaults the same way. I know some women who found birth and breastfeeding empowering. Some wanted a completely natural, unmedicated birth. Others who wanted the epidural before the first contraction. Others who wanted absolutely no internal exams, and others who wanted to opt for a straight c=section. Some women can't stand to have their breasts touched under any circumstances while others find it helps them see their breasts in a non-sexual light. I'm not going to tell a sexual abuse survivor that they are doing it wrong because of how they handle both children and childbirth along with their fall out from sexual assault so long as their children are being taken care of.


WHERE did I say they were doing something wrong if they can't BF of naturally birth?! I didn't! All I said was I am an SA survivor and I did those things so don't assume if you have suffered SA it can't be done. THAT IS ALL I SAID and I said it b/c I felt it was implied that "the victim can't possibly BF b/c it's a trigger" just like it was assumed my birth would have been.

I support any woman's decision as long as she isn't harming her baby.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

I sometimes wonder if people really think about what they are saying before they post it on a message board - the judgement and snark sometimes is pretty out of control.
Quote:


> Originally Posted by *BeckyBird*
> 
> The OP is uncomfortable with bottlefeeding her nephew. Why does that make her a candidate for psychotherapy?
> 
> ...


Honestly, your comparison is plain old offensive. Formula is not disgusting waste - it is the only appropriate breast milk alternative available for feeding infants before they are old enough to eat solids. What exactly do you suggest that parents feed their non-breastfed babies if formula were suddenly to become unavailable.

And the McDonald's comparison - tired and simply ridiculous.


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## greenmm (Mar 9, 2011)

I think you need to try to be more open minded & respect her wishes especially if you want to be close with the baby. I too breastfeed but would have no problem feeding someone else's baby formula. Obviously if it were my baby it would be different. Many many many babies formula feed probably more so than breastfeed & are very healthy. I am very into cloth diapers but by no means would try to force that on anyone. If I were babysitting someone else's child and they want me to use Pampers I would do it. I just wouldn't want them on my child & i would expect someone to give me the same respect & not put disposables on the baby. She's the parent & you need to respect her wishes to be close to the baby & not give her added stress that seems unnecessary. I didn't read the earlier posts so I'm probably just mimicing others. I don't think she's doing her harm by feeding her formula so I wouldn't make it an issue, I 'm sure she is already aware of your beliefs.


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## Heba (Sep 24, 2004)

OP, I understand. I babysat my friend's little boy a while ago, and it nearly broke my heart to make up his bottle of formula (which unfortunately despite a suggestion to the contrary on this thread *has* been found to increase a person's risk of cardiovascular disease, and many other health conditions). My feelings had absolutely nothing to do with judging his mum for not breastfeeding (not relevant, as it so happened that breastfeeding him at this point was just not possible).

You are not talking about denying him food, simply that you would have a hard time giving it to him, which given the struggles that you have worked so hard to overcome in order to breastfeed is completely understandable.

Hidden in this thread, in places, are some great suggestions as to how to deal with the situation if it arises. It sounds as if you'll have some great opportunities to snuggle and bond with your nephew during your holiday, and to give your sister-in-law a break. I wouldn't feel at all bad for handing him back to a parent when he needs to eat, and I doubt that anyone would find it strange .

Have a lovely time with your family.

xx


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sosurreal09*
> 
> *possible trigger SA mentioned* For the record I was raped and still BF. IDK I keep reading if you get sexually assaulted you don't BF...it kind of makes me mad. Being raped has nothing to do with nursing a baby and my attacker was very fond of breasts...it is totally different. If a woman chooses not to for that reason that is her choice, but don't assume the sexually assaulted can't/do't want to BF. BFing actually help me feel good about my body again. Same thing with a natural birth. They actually made me have a psych eval to have a drug free non-hospital birth...I just don't get it SA and babies are totally different unless baby was from SA. Just saying...


First...I am sorry you had to go through that. I was one of the people who pointed out sexual assault being a possible trigger/reason a mother could choose not to breastfeed. I did not say anything like those who have been sexually assaulted can't/don't want to breastfeed and I did not see a single other thread stating that either. Don't discount the experiences of other women just because you were able to breastfeed despite being a survivor of sexual assault. Not everyone processes or experiences sexual assault or breastfeeding the same way. Because you were sexually assaulted doesn't mean you will necessarily face the same breastfeeding challenges other moms might face that prevent them from being able to nurse. Mom's mental health is incredibly important too, and if she feels like breastfeeding is detrimental to her own mental health, I don't know why she should continue.


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

Here we go again I did not say anything discounting a mother's personal choice or experience. I guess I just *felt* offended that it was assumed a SA woman wouldn't be able to do it. I just hear that assumption a lot and it bothers me b/c it's not always true.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sosurreal09*
> 
> Here we go again I did not say anything discounting a mother's personal choice or experience. I guess I just *felt* offended that it was assumed a SA woman wouldn't be able to do it. I just hear that assumption a lot and it bothers me b/c it's not always true.


Nobody assumed that though. That was my point.


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

Right so I thought that I just explained it was me who *felt* it was assumed. OK I retract my statement! Happy?

I am just really sensitive to it b/c everyone told me I couldn't have a natural birth or BF b/c of what happened. So it is totally a personal thing and I guess I just took it the wrong way so SORRY.


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## tillymonster (May 12, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *TCMoulton*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I just wanted to chime in here that I am dealing with the same thing and am trying to get past it. It's very hard when someone can judge your decision to BF, openly, but if you judge theirs, your a monster. It is a very touchy subject especially when a mom thinks she can't BF or didn't want to try.

Tolerance is difficult for me when BF is such a positive, both nutritionally and emotionally. The fact that new moms today are wasting money, time and effort on NOT BF is sad, IMHO. I salute you for persevering through medical difficulties to BF your children! All you can do is gently ask if she wants to join you at a LLL meeting or go with you to a babywearing class. If she declines, you tried and just being there for her is better then nothing. I'm finding it difficult to even talk to my SIL again but I know that with time and reflection/reframing I will get over it and so will she, and hopefully then we can hang out more. Tolerance is definitely my latest obstacle.


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## MSWmama (Mar 3, 2011)

I wouldn't invite her to a LLL meeting, personally. To me, that would seem really pushy and besides, what is she going to get out of it at this point? If she shows any interest in BF her next baby, of course I'd offer her as much information and support as I could, but for now what's done is done (I don't see relactation as a realistic option here). If you really truly can't handle giving the baby a bottle of formula, just hand him off at feeding time, although I personally have given many babies formula (as a relative, nanny, babysitter, etc) and it can be a fun and bonding experience if you let it be.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *tillymonster*
> 
> I just wanted to chime in here that I am dealing with the same thing and am trying to get past it. It's very hard when someone can judge your decision to BF, openly, but if you judge theirs, your a monster. It is a very touchy subject especially when a mom thinks she can't BF or didn't want to try.
> 
> Tolerance is difficult for me when BF is such a positive, both nutritionally and emotionally. The fact that new moms today are wasting money, time and effort on NOT BF is sad, IMHO. I salute you for persevering through medical difficulties to BF your children! *All you can do is gently ask if she wants to join you at a LLL meeting* or go with you to a babywearing class. If she declines, you tried and just being there for her is better then nothing. I'm finding it difficult to even talk to my SIL again but I know that with time and reflection/reframing I will get over it and so will she, and hopefully then we can hang out more. Tolerance is definitely my latest obstacle.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sosurreal09*
> 
> Right so I thought that I just explained it was me who *felt* it was assumed. OK I retract my statement! Happy?
> 
> I am just really sensitive to it b/c everyone told me I couldn't have a natural birth or BF b/c of what happened. So it is totally a personal thing and I guess I just took it the wrong way so SORRY.


O/T, but i'm a survivor too (i posted upthread on this) and i have to say i totally get sensitive too. It's the whole "oh you NEVER get over that!" element that comes with SA. It's totally rude to tell fat people they'll never be thin or cancer patients they'll definitely die, but it's fine to tell a SA survivor they'll never get over it, every aspect of their life will be affected etc. etc. I know no-on on this thread made those assumptions but they're pretty darn common throughout society. The idea of sexual abuse being a permanent stain on one's being/sense of self is WHY everyone is so hysterical about paedophilia in our society. So i understand your sensitivity. *hugs*


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