# What if I'm just not cut out to be a mom?



## mom2ewc (Feb 17, 2007)

I've spent an hour reading posts on this board, and it just makes me think,

"I'm not cut out to be a mom."

Honestly, the thought of doing all the strategies you ladies are talking about - and they're brilliant ones - makes me exhausted just thinking about them, never mind implementing them! I've tried many of the great ideas listed on this forum, and they don't seem to work for my son consistently enough... and I can keep up the mommy facade for about 15 minutes, then I totally feel wiped out, and I get pissed off and annoyed at him.

Is it wrong that I do not WANT to have to count down before I leave somewhere... or play games to get my son in the carseat... or create a strategic plan to get him to eat... or sing songs to get him to let me change his diaper?

I don't have the patience for these things, they don't come naturally, and frankly, they exhaust me, and they make me hate being a mom. What happens when you become a mom before you were ready... or if you never really wanted to be a mom in the first place? How do you fill the gap between what you envisioned, and what has turned out to be reality?

Does anyone else feel this way? For example, when I think about my ideal day, mothering is nowhere in sight. My ideal day has nothing to do with motherhood. Maybe that's because being a mom is such a huge part of my normal day. I'm sure if motherhood was gone, I'd miss it. But two years into motherhood, I just don't feel like I can be a good mother. I miss my alone time too much. I need order too much. I need quiet too much. I need organization too much. I need time to pursue adult activities too much.

I feel like I could be a great mom if I only saw my child for an hour a day. I think I could keep my patience, be creative and loving for an hour without losing it. How terrible is that?

The worst part of it all is that the way that my son acts reminds me of the very things that I hate about myself, the things I wish I could change the most. But I don't have the energy to change these things about myself, and not break down about the way he's acting. It's like I can only handle one child at a time... and I'm one child, and he's the other... and that means there's one child too many. Does this make any sense to anyone? Gosh I hope so, because I'm having a hard time putting it into words.


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## Arwyn (Sep 9, 2004)

I don't have any words of wisdom, I just couldn't read and not give you a huge


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## NaomiMcC (Mar 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2ewc* 
I've spent an hour reading posts on this board, and it just makes me think,

"I'm not cut out to be a mom."

Honestly, the thought of doing all the strategies you ladies are talking about - and they're brilliant ones - makes me exhausted just thinking about them, never mind implementing them! I've tried many of the great ideas listed on this forum, and they don't seem to work for my son consistently enough... and I can keep up the mommy facade for about 15 minutes, then I totally feel wiped out, and I get pissed off and annoyed at him.

Is it wrong that I do not WANT to have to count down before I leave somewhere... or play games to get my son in the carseat... or create a strategic plan to get him to eat... or sing songs to get him to let me change his diaper?

Nope. It's not wrong. I'm the same way...so we simply don't. We never have so our son at the time new no different. He knew that when it was time to go...it was time to go. When it was time to get in the carseat...he got in the carseat...I never gave room for arguing or debating or what have you...it was just done and that was that. We'll do it the same way with our DD (almost three months).

Quote:

I don't have the patience for these things, they don't come naturally, and frankly, they exhaust me, and they make me hate being a mom. What happens when you become a mom before you were ready... or if you never really wanted to be a mom in the first place? How do you fill the gap between what you envisioned, and what has turned out to be reality?
They don't come naturally for me either...and while I wasn't crazy about being a mom ever...it's not that bad. I never wanted to be a mom and here I am...mother to two: DS 13 and our DD. I just continue on with life as planned - but include the kids now. And I haven't changed who I am at all. If you can hold onto who you are and not fall into the 'my kids are my everything and my whole life 100%' you'll be fine.

Quote:

Does anyone else feel this way? For example, when I think about my ideal day, mothering is nowhere in sight. My ideal day has nothing to do with motherhood. Maybe that's because being a mom is such a huge part of my normal day. I'm sure if motherhood was gone, I'd miss it. But two years into motherhood, I just don't feel like I can be a good mother. I miss my alone time too much. I need order too much. I need quiet too much. I need organization too much. I need time to pursue adult activities too much.
That's where my hubby fits in. When I need a break and I need 'me' time...he takes over and I can do my 'me' stuff.

Quote:

I feel like I could be a great mom if I only saw my child for an hour a day. I think I could keep my patience, be creative and loving for an hour without losing it. How terrible is that?

The worst part of it all is that the way that my son acts reminds me of the very things that I hate about myself, the things I wish I could change the most. But I don't have the energy to change these things about myself, and not break down about the way he's acting. It's like I can only handle one child at a time... and I'm one child, and he's the other... and that means there's one child too many. Does this make any sense to anyone? Gosh I hope so, because I'm having a hard time putting it into words.
It's not terrible! It's being a mom! Sometimes it can drive you crazy.







Becoming a mom is a huge change in your life. Is there someone you can talk to about how you feel? When I read over your post it almost seems like a bit of depression perhaps? How old are your kids? Maybe a weekend away would help...a bit of a vacation?


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

if doing something makes you hate being a mom, it is NOT right for you or your son, and you do NOT have to do it. there are many different ways to parent effectively and there is no one right way. I don't follow most GD "strategies" and I consider myself to be a good mother anyways.

btw, from your post it sounds like you're a SAHM? there's nothing wrong with finding childcare so that you can do something for *you* if it will energize you and allow you to be a better mom during the time that you do spend with your son. Your needs are a part of the equation too, and maybe it's time for a change!







(ps, I am a SAHM, but I completely understand it not working for someone else!)


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## sacredmama (Dec 27, 2007)

Your post made me cry. I totally know what you are saying. My son was not planned and I am the youngest mom I know. I do wonder if I'll ever feel like I didn't miss part of "my time to be a kid". Like, after he starts going to school, will I be able to claim that independence that I so crave? Sometimes I feel immature for feeling this way, but I can't help it. I am honestly jealous of all the moms who wanted kids so bad, that mothering just seems to come so naturally to them.

But, I do also have moments of pure love and appreciation for all the lessons I am learning. I think underneath all the negative thoughts I ultimately have trust that this is my perfect path and even though I can't see exactly how this experience is benefiting me right now, I know that someday I will look back and realize how thankful I am to have had these lessons.

I practice GD, and although I am not perfect at it by any means, I feel like it's healthy for my son that I am modeling someone who is trying their hardest and is always striving to be better.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Quote:

Does anyone else feel this way? For example, when I think about my ideal day, mothering is nowhere in sight. My ideal day has nothing to do with motherhood. Maybe that's because being a mom is such a huge part of my normal day. I'm sure if motherhood was gone, I'd miss it. But two years into motherhood, I just don't feel like I can be a good mother. I miss my alone time too much. I need order too much. I need quiet too much. I need organization too much. I need time to pursue adult activities too much.

I feel like I could be a great mom if I only saw my child for an hour a day. I think I could keep my patience, be creative and loving for an hour without losing it. How terrible is that?

The worst part of it all is that the way that my son acts reminds me of the very things that I hate about myself, the things I wish I could change the most. But I don't have the energy to change these things about myself, and not break down about the way he's acting. It's like I can only handle one child at a time... and I'm one child, and he's the other... and that means there's one child too many. Does this make any sense to anyone? Gosh I hope so, because I'm having a hard time putting it into words.
I empathize with what you're saying







When I've found myself in personal crisis, I learned that it was my needs that were going unmet. When I found myself experiencing frustration, anger, sadness, etc. it was a wake-up call that my needs *needed* me. My positive needs for creativity, quiet, order, fairness, peace, etc. were expressing themselves through emotions that didn't _seem_ very positive.

I'm not sure exactly how old your ds is, but I felt like this when each of my children were pretty young. It's so incredibly intense in the first few years....sometimes, it can feel suffocating and overwhelming. I'm so glad you've reached out because it's can also be very isolating...esp. depending upon our expectations of ourselves and our children...and the amount of self-care we're able to squeak out....it's just plain tough.

Also, many of us have had previous careers where we were able to control a vast amount of our lives, be really good at something, have people giving us excellent feedback, etc. Motherhood ain't that gig. We have experts telling us one thing, friends another...our inner voice and wisdom sometimes gets lost. You have a deep inner voice and wisdom. The fact you're struggling tells me that you care very deeply









When I read about your feeling like your son brings out what you don't like about yourself, I had to smile in recognition. I've never met a mother yet who hasn't felt like this







Our children are like mirrors, and often, it's not pretty what we see. To me, this is human. You're a real person, with very real needs and emotions. Being a mom intensifies things. One of my favorite things to tell myself is This, too, shall pass. And it does. And a new challenge comes along.

I feel like my children have taught me SO much about life and myself. Much of what I've learned about myself hasn't necessarily been pretty. I've thought, maybe I had children too young. Other times, maybe I had them too old....I've had many, many "I suck at this" days, months, weeks. I doubt I'm cut out for this gig much of the time, but I keep plugging along, probably making every mistake possible. But I try, and I really think it's the best any of us can do. No one's even close to perfect, and it's so important that we're honest with one another and forgiving of ourselves and our shortcomings.

I might consider taking things piece by piece. Maybe make a few lists about what is happy vs. things that could use improvement. Maybe then take steps (even tiny steps) to seeing what little changes can be made to help you get some of your needs met.

Gotta run---sorry to have rambled


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

You need to run, not walk, to your health care provider and talk about depression.

No one can be a good mother if their own basic needs aren't met. I had PPD, and I know how it can suck the energy, creativity, and desire to be a parent right out of you. I too have had thoughts of "this is really too hard to do. I don't want to spend this much time with my kids." I've learned that these feelings mean I need to look at the structure of our lives and figure out how I can get things more balanced to meet my own needs. I WOH not only because I am the primary breadwinner, but because it meets my intellectual needs.

All of us have good days and bad. Some of my bad days are really, really bad. Some are just mediocre. This morning I had to leave for work and take dd to daycare. Dh and ds were gone. (Most days dh works from home and can help me.) Dd was still asleep (because she was doing everything in her power to NOT fall asleep last night














. I had to wake her up to take her with me. I tried to playfully change her clothes. No go. She began to kick and scream. Now, I knew the underlying issue was that she was just waking up and didn't have time to wake up gracefully. I also knew that I didn't have time to let her do that. I had a student who was coming to see me in 45 minutes. This student had arranged this meeting and come to campus from a distance, and was going to need to hear a number of things they didn't want to hear. I wasn't looking forward to it, and I couldn't put it off (and I couldn't bring a 3 year old!). So, I picked up dd, and carried her downstairs, began putting my coat on and taking things out to the car. At that point, dd realized that I was serious when I said "If you kick me while I'm putting your pants on, I can't do it and you'll have to go without pants." She allowed me, grudingly, to put her pants on. And her shoes and socks. By the time we reached daycare, she was fine. Could I have handled this better/differently? I'm sure I could have. But at the time I was short of time and stressed and it was the best I could do.

A lot of what you've posted here are huge red flags for depression. I've bolded a few that make me think you should go to a doctor and have your thyroid checked, and if it's OK ask for a referral to a counselor and consider other medical options.

Quote:

"I'm not cut out to be a mom."

The thought of doing all the strategies you ladies are talking about makes me *exhausted*

I can keep up the mommy facade for about 15 minutes, then *I totally feel wiped out,* and I get pissed off and annoyed at him.

*I don't have the patience* for these things, they don't come naturally, and frankly, they *exhaust* me, and they make me hate being a mom.

My ideal day has nothing to do with motherhood. Maybe that's because being a mom is such a huge part of my normal day.

The worst part of it all is that the way that my son acts reminds me of the *very things that I hate about myself*, the things I wish I could change the most.

I also recommend the book: Women's Moods -- it does a great job of explaining the biology behind a lot of depression and other mood issues. It also has a nice 'middle of the road' philosophy -- it's got a great self-care program that it outlines, and then talks about when to move on to a more medical approach if that doesn't work.

You should also talk to your partner about how to arrange your lives so that you do get some meaningful time to yourself. Think of what the airlines tell you: Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. If you're starving your brain, you can't feed your son's either.

For your health, for your son's health please take the hard step and see your doctor. Then you can think about discipline.


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## Needle in the Hay (Sep 16, 2006)

You might want to research hypothyroidism (maybe check out "the thyroid thread" on the health & healing forum here at MDC) and then get checked for it. It's a fairly common health issue and it will make you feel wiped out and impatient.


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## honolula (Apr 11, 2005)

Talking with your healthcare provider can't hurt, as long as you aren't putting all your eggs in that basket and EXPECTING their to be something physiologically wrong with you.

Frankly, even the slightest suggestion that women are _supposed_ to be on cloud 9 in their role as mothers (and if they're not eternally patient and nurturing something must be wrong) makes me wanna tie my fallopian tubes around somebody's neck and no, that ain't just the hormones talkin'.
You may be feeling tired because you're bored and understimulated. Getting down on all fours with one knee in a puddle of organic applesauce and neighing like a horse while a 2 year old with post-nasal drips complains in a piercing mosquito-like voice that you're not doing it right is NOT a step towards personal fulfillment for every woman. And while diversion/distraction are nice when you have the time and patience, you're not always going to have the time and patience and you ARE, ultimately, the one who needs to make sure that things get done and bills get paid and people get fed and all that jazz, so if GD is overwhelming you, throw out the manual and do the best you can do.







:


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## Penelope (Jul 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2ewc* 
The worst part of it all is that the way that my son acts reminds me of the very things that I hate about myself, the things I wish I could change the most. But I don't have the energy to change these things about myself, and not break down about the way he's acting. It's like I can only handle one child at a time... and I'm one child, and he's the other... and that means there's one child too many. Does this make any sense to anyone? Gosh I hope so, because I'm having a hard time putting it into words.









This really stands out for me - raising my kids has had such a powerful effect on how I think of myself and my childhood. It's so hard to be in the position to impact someone so profoundly and to still be just a human being who screws up sometimes.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

I've felt the same way at times.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2ewc* 
How do you fill the gap between what you envisioned, and what has turned out to be reality?

Mourn the loss of what I envisioned, let it go, and accept the reality I have. And live in the reality I have, rather than dwelling on how I wish things were. That includes the reality of myself--I came to parenting expecting parenting to come naturally to me, having expectations of myself that turned out to be unrealistic. When I could let go of that and stop holding myself up to some impossible (for me) standard, and just accept the reality of who I am, then I was free to grow and do better and better over time. As for my kids--well, two of them are very different from what I imagined/expected before becoming a parent (one is very easy to parent). And I've had to let go of what I wanted/expected, and learn to accept them for who they actually are rather than focusing on how I wish they were. When I can do that, not only do I deal with the challenges better, but we get along better and I see more of the beauty of them and what is wonderful about them.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2ewc* 
The worst part of it all is that the way that my son acts reminds me of the very things that I hate about myself, the things I wish I could change the most. But I don't have the energy to change these things about myself, and not break down about the way he's acting. It's like I can only handle one child at a time... and I'm one child, and he's the other... and that means there's one child too many. Does this make any sense to anyone? Gosh I hope so, because I'm having a hard time putting it into words.

What if instead of hating these things about yourself and trying to change them, you _accept_ them as part of you and work with them instead of fighting against them?

I found that when I could let go of the shame and hatred I felt about myself, when I could accept myself as is and be compassionate and forgiving toward myself, then it was much easier to be the compassionate and gentle parent I wanted to be. Then I could accept my children fully, as they are, without reacting negatively to them when they remind me of me. And it also helps to remember that taking care of myself is so important-taking care of myself keeps my cup full so that I can continue to care for and give to my children.

There is a fantastic book I urge you to read called _Time Out for Parents: A Guide to Compassionate Parenting_ by Cheri Huber. It's all about the inner work and self-care it takes to be a compassionate parent. Also, she wrote another called _There Is Nothing Wrong With You: Going Beyond Self-Hate_ that I also enjoyed. Both are quick, easy reads. I also like _Nonviolent Communication_-it helped me see both my own behavior and the behavior of others in a much more compassionate light. It helped me understand differently, and when we understand differently we often respond differently.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

georgia, you always word things so beautifully! My children are a bit older now, but sometimes I need to be reminded of all this.

It is normal for mama's to feel like this. One of the hardest things for a mama to realize is that our child is not an extension of us, but their own unique little being.

I also agree with georgia that sometimes you need to remember yourself. Your own needs to sleep, eat healthy, read a book or do a craft (whatever it is you enjoy). The best advice I ever received was from a dear friend who had raised 5 children. She told me not to stay up late for me time because I'd be too tired and frustrated. Instead, get a decent night sleep and wake earlier than the kids. So I would cuddle the kids up to their dad super early in the morning and then slip out of bed and go knit or read. Did WONDERS for my attitude!

During the day if the kiddies were making me feel nuts, I'd dump them in a bubble bath and sit on the floor in the bathroom reading (Mothering of course







) while they splashed around and made a huge mess. After the bath, I they would dry off and then use their towels to wipe the walls and floor - bingo! I got to read, the bathroom was clean, kids were clean they had a ball (and usually went down for a good nap).


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## BathrobeGoddess (Nov 19, 2001)

Oh mama! No one here is perfect! Just because you aren't perfect doesn't mean your no cut out for motherhood!

The fact that you are thinking about this at all really shows me you care about your son and his feelings.

I have certainly felt like you have with everyone one of my children. I got a part time job and that gives me time alone, with adults and something I am interested in to focus on.

Lots of hugs mama!


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

I think you've gotten some very good advice here.

I just want to make sure you understand that this forum is largely people's BEST ADVICE. It's not always what happens every minute in our homes, you know?

Hang in there! I hope you can find your groove.


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2ewc* 
I've spent an hour reading posts on this board, and it just makes me think,

"I'm not cut out to be a mom."

Honestly, the thought of doing all the strategies you ladies are talking about - and they're brilliant ones - makes me exhausted just thinking about them, never mind implementing them! I've tried many of the great ideas listed on this forum, and they don't seem to work for my son consistently enough... and I can keep up the mommy facade for about 15 minutes, then I totally feel wiped out, and I get pissed off and annoyed at him.

Is it wrong that I do not WANT to have to count down before I leave somewhere... or play games to get my son in the carseat... or create a strategic plan to get him to eat... or sing songs to get him to let me change his diaper?

I don't have the patience for these things, they don't come naturally, and frankly, they exhaust me, and they make me hate being a mom. What happens when you become a mom before you were ready... or if you never really wanted to be a mom in the first place? How do you fill the gap between what you envisioned, and what has turned out to be reality?

Does anyone else feel this way? For example, when I think about my ideal day, mothering is nowhere in sight. My ideal day has nothing to do with motherhood. Maybe that's because being a mom is such a huge part of my normal day. I'm sure if motherhood was gone, I'd miss it. But two years into motherhood, I just don't feel like I can be a good mother. I miss my alone time too much. I need order too much. I need quiet too much. I need organization too much. I need time to pursue adult activities too much.

I feel like I could be a great mom if I only saw my child for an hour a day. I think I could keep my patience, be creative and loving for an hour without losing it. How terrible is that?

The worst part of it all is that the way that my son acts reminds me of the very things that I hate about myself, the things I wish I could change the most. But I don't have the energy to change these things about myself, and not break down about the way he's acting. It's like I can only handle one child at a time... and I'm one child, and he's the other... and that means there's one child too many. Does this make any sense to anyone? Gosh I hope so, because I'm having a hard time putting it into words.

you know, you have to do what works best for you and your family, that is really all its about.... you have so many choices of how to parent. Maybe being a sahm isnt for you? Thats ok!!! You have to examine your life and figure out what works for your family.. Is it healthier for a child to be home all day with a parent who is going insane, rather than in a safe, loving childcare during the day and home with a happy fullfilled mom at night and on the weekend?? NONONO

I think sometimes, esp here at mothering, we can become very overwhelmed with "shoulds". all the ways we "should" parent, which sometimes are just plain contrary to who we are...

For my family, bedtime is non-negotional as are getting in the car to go somewhere, being nice to me and each other, not throwing food, being gentle with our pets, etc..... SOMEtimes I joke, and be silly and yes it makes life easier, and sometimes i get irritated and let them be upset and that is just how it is... I am not more likely to play games to get things done, or sing songs or whatever.. do I feel guilty because I dont do these things?? well sure!! But i have to stay true to who I am and also, guess what?? My kids are more likely to do things bc I asked them to than some other children I know..

All kids are diff too. What works for some, wont work for others, so the temperament of hte child also effects how and whether certain strategies will work..
IF you stop beating yourself up for not being the perfect "mothering" parent, you will be more relaxed in your parenting and less likely to lose it.
Mothering is such a great resource for me to kind of remind me of where I want to be .... I lie somewhere in the middle. I dont want to be too forcefull, but I also dont want my kids to walk all over me. Mothering reminds me where to kind of draw the line in co-erciveness, in being controlling, and in expecting too much from my kids. This can be a great barometer, but dont use it to beat yourself up about all the ways you're not the perfect gd, "mothering" mom. Im sure there many ways that you are a wonderfull mom. Im sure there are things that you do together that are special and wonderfull and Im sure there are some ways that you parent that are great!

For instance, I may not sing songs to get my kids in the car, or play games to get them dressed, BUT we have really great family traditions, we like to build snowmans together, we play board games now that the kids are older, we go letterboxing in the spring, summer and fall, I bake character cakes for their bdays every year.... there are many ways to be a great parent that are not the things you mentioned..


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
You need to run, not walk, to your health care provider and talk about depression.

I think it is definitely worth exploring the possibility of depression. I know for me, when I am happy I have much more patience and enthusiasm for parenting.


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## ktmama (Jan 21, 2004)

_The worst part of it all is that the way that my son acts reminds me of the very things that I hate about myself_

Of everything you wrote, this jumped out at me. I believe that our children are our greatest teachers, for better or for worse. It's very predictable that the things you don't like about yourself you don't like in your son. It's like looking in the mirror every day. The greatest gift you can give to yourself and your son is to get some professional support/therapy for yourself to explore some of these issues. It will make you feel better about yourself and make you a better mom.

Secondly, I think you might be a good candidate for working and having a nanny or having your son in daycare. It is so important for us to be honest about our strengths and limitations, which you are doing so candidly. If one hour a day is all you have for your son, set him up with a good, positive daycare experience and then you can go out and have some adult development and fulfillment without resenting him. Just make it work for you and your son any way you can, mama!


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *monkey's mom* 
I just want to make sure you understand that this forum is largely people's BEST ADVICE. It's not always what happens every minute in our homes, you know?

EXACTLY what I was going to say. I certainly don't live up to my advice!


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## mightymoo (Dec 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2ewc* 
I've spent an hour reading posts on this board, and it just makes me think,

"I'm not cut out to be a mom."

Honestly, the thought of doing all the strategies you ladies are talking about - and they're brilliant ones - makes me exhausted just thinking about them, never mind implementing them! I've tried many of the great ideas listed on this forum, and they don't seem to work for my son consistently enough... and I can keep up the mommy facade for about 15 minutes, then I totally feel wiped out, and I get pissed off and annoyed at him.

Is it wrong that I do not WANT to have to count down before I leave somewhere... or play games to get my son in the carseat... or create a strategic plan to get him to eat... or sing songs to get him to let me change his diaper?

I don't have the patience for these things, they don't come naturally, and frankly, they exhaust me, and they make me hate being a mom. What happens when you become a mom before you were ready... or if you never really wanted to be a mom in the first place? How do you fill the gap between what you envisioned, and what has turned out to be reality?

Does anyone else feel this way? For example, when I think about my ideal day, mothering is nowhere in sight. My ideal day has nothing to do with motherhood. Maybe that's because being a mom is such a huge part of my normal day. I'm sure if motherhood was gone, I'd miss it. But two years into motherhood, I just don't feel like I can be a good mother. I miss my alone time too much. I need order too much. I need quiet too much. I need organization too much. I need time to pursue adult activities too much.

I feel like I could be a great mom if I only saw my child for an hour a day. I think I could keep my patience, be creative and loving for an hour without losing it. How terrible is that?

The worst part of it all is that the way that my son acts reminds me of the very things that I hate about myself, the things I wish I could change the most. But I don't have the energy to change these things about myself, and not break down about the way he's acting. It's like I can only handle one child at a time... and I'm one child, and he's the other... and that means there's one child too many. Does this make any sense to anyone? Gosh I hope so, because I'm having a hard time putting it into words.


This makes sense to me. I have felt this way many times. I am the mom in the parking lot in a rigid pose with her teeth clenched who has closed the car doors on two screaming children and is trying very very very hard not to explode.

I have very "spirited" sensitive stubborn children. They have their own plan for their lives and rarely does my agenda fit into it. I don't want to have to do any of these techniques either. I get angry and frustrated. I lose control and yell. I am not proud of it, its not my best moments as a mother, but it happens. I use the techniques I find in Gentle Discipline not because I particularly like them or want to have to do it this way, but mainly because I don't like the mother I am when I don't.

I am nothing like the SAHM I envisioned myself to be. Its not my failings, it just is what it is. My kids and me we have very strong personalities. They are not easy going do whatever you say kids. I'm sure a more easy going person could parent my kids better, and I could parent a more easy going child better, but the combination of them and me is difficult. I *need* a break from them to be any semblence of a decent mom, so they both go to school in the afternoons. This time without them makes our time together that much better, gives me the reserves to cope with them more patiently. I really think that the mesh of personalities is so key to how difficult any person will find parenting, some combinations result in an easy harmony, some result in a lot of conflict and are much more difficult. I also am doing something that is for me, that is about me and that gives me something stimulating, so I've started going back to school to get my MBA. I am so much happier having that challenge and to feel like someone besides a SAHM.

And my ideal day would be somewhere away from my kids too at the moment. Honestly, I just keep reminding myself that almost 5 years of motherhood has somehow already slipped by, it won't be long before another 5 slips by and things are so different.

I try really hard to not work against myself, expect myself to be someone different from who I am. I try to work with my strengths and recognize my weaknesses, forgive myself for them and find a way to work around them rather than trying to wish them away.


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## Venice Mamacita (Dec 24, 2003)

Just wanted to







. Like PPs said, there's not just one way to be a mom, or just one way to GD . . . it's only important that you find _your way_. We are not perfect, we just do the best we can . . . and that's enough.

(And if I didn't get to WOH part-time, where I feel at least semi-competent and am treated with respect, I would go insane.)

Again,







!


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## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

So many wonderful words of wisdom above! Also, I highly highly recommend Byron Katie's Loving What Is. She talks extensively about the insanity of what she calls arguing with reality (something I am extremely skilled at







). She's actually quite gentle, don't worry! She has a wonderful process, called The Work, that helps free us from the thoughts that are the true cause of our misery. Mama, I was YOU. I did.not.enjoy. raising toddlers, esp my very high needs DS. (However, I LOVE raising teens







)
There is not a thing in the world wrong with a person who does not find life with a toddler fulfilling. I very often recommend to mamas I counsel that they find someone they are comfortable with to care for their DC once or twice a week. Somehow, when it's motherhood we find uncomfortable, there's this big stigma. But if we find any other occupation unfulfilling or aggravating, no one thinks twice about our wanting something different, KWIM? So give yourself a break, mama. Also, ITA with a PP about taking care of your needs. Pat, whose screen name is WuWei, has lots of sage guidance about self care. You might want to do a search, though she will almost certainly respond at some point.Cuz she's just like that! We can't give what we don't have, so we have to find some way to fill our own cup.
Good luck and hang in there. Remember too, that toddlerhood doesn't last forever. It only feels like it's going to !!!!


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## Isamama (May 2, 2006)

Thank you for starting this thread! I can relate to everything you said. I admire your honesty and your willingness to share. Many people will be helped by reading this.


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## IdahoMom (Nov 8, 2005)

Sometimes I have wondered why I'm mother to my highly spirited one. I often don't feel up to the task. Recently, I've felt like I've been assigned to raise her because I'm willing to try. I'm desirous and willing to work at being gentle and understanding, and at least TRY to be the mother she needs.


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## shayinme (Jan 2, 2005)

There has been a lot of good words of wisdom already stated but I will come back later and add my own two cents. I just wanted to say that you aer not alone in your feelings and I don't even think that what you said is indicative of depression though it may be worth talking to someone.

More thoughts later.

Shay


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honolula* 







:......... Getting down on all fours with one knee in a puddle of organic applesauce and neighing like a horse while a 2 year old with post-nasal drips complains in a piercing mosquito-like voice that you're not doing it right is NOT a step towards personal fulfillment for every woman.......

I haven't read everything on this thread, but.....







:

xoe


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## auntiehallie (Apr 25, 2005)

a few things sprung to mind on reading your post (and a few immediate replies):

1) that would have been me (i'm not a mom; i'm a nanny)

2) PPD, sure, possible - but hell if i know anyone who doesn't *occasionally* feel _everything you said here_

3) learning patience takes faking it. a lot.

4) total surrender takes time also, and is probably the easiest path to sanity.

i think it's natural to fight change, and especially such a rough one. what new mom is well-rested and feeling herself? but you know what helps me? and i'm talking about kids who are *not* mine, who i have no biological imperative to bond with: contact. physical contact. any toddler behaves more like a loose firework than a human being at times... depending on the kid, this can be a lot of the time. you need that chemical, physical bond to plumb the depths of your patience and make the whole mother role worth it. cuddle your kid. pack him around. nap with him. quick, while he's still little, and will let you get away with it. forget playing; i'm a rotten player, especially at baby-level games, and it shows. i'm not interested and they know it. but they'll always get into my business when i'm doing something *i* enjoy, so sometimes it's a big mess for me to clean up, just to let them in on it. so what? and this is where the surrender starts to come in.

you surrender to the fact that it's no longer just you, and allow your kid into your zone with you. not just allow, but invite. and then... it starts to get easier.

but i'm not kidding about the touch/bond thing. it's the most valuable tool you have.

hang in there. oh honey, it does get better - don't give up.


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## EvansMomma (Mar 7, 2006)

OP, I have to say I feel the same way. I haven't read the other responses but wanted to reply right away after reading your post.

GD does not come naturally to me, nor does it come easily.
I really REALLY struggle to keep it together.

But you know something? Each day it seems that the struggle gets just a bit easier. When I sit and think about myself, say, a year ago - and think what I'm like now - it's like night and day.

It's still a struggle for me, but it's worth it. And each 'slip up' is, to me, a teaching moment and a moment for me to learn that I have to be as patient and loving to MYSELF as I do to my son.

We have some wonderful moments, moments where I think "I've GOT it." and then we have some disastrous moments, too. But at the end of the day, even though we stumble backwards a little - our general momentum is still forward. We make progress, little by little each day. And if I have a day where the struggle gets the better of me, I just take some time at the end of the day to think on the tihngs I could have done better, and vow that tomorrow is another day.

So hang in there. Try your best, and forgive yourself if you fall short of your 'gd ideals'. It's okay to falter, it's human. We just have to pick ourselves up, brush it off, and try again.

Go easy on yourself mama...you deserve to be treated gently too.


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## EvansMomma (Mar 7, 2006)

Oh...and I would have to say that at LEAST once a day, I think to myself "I cannot do this, this is not waht I signed up for, I suck as his mother". I would challenge any mother here to say they haven't thought it themselves before.

Evan was not planned, I honestly didn't want kids - just dogs...lol So all this stuff is a daily struggle. I miss my life, I miss my friends, I miss my hobbies, I miss ME! It's taken me a long time to start feeling good about the me I am now. I still mourn the loss of a life that truly fulfilled me.

When those feelings started to really weigh me down, I took a look at my life. Was I martyring myself out of some ideal that I strove to achieve? For me at the time, yes I was.

So. I told my husband, "look. I do not have it togehter. I am not okay, and my life as it is now is not even remotely fulfilling to me. I don't want to feel this way but I do."

And so we worked together to find ways for me to get out, to be ME, the woman, for a few hrs here and there instead of constantly wife or mother. I really think that it helped me to find that balance between ME and MAMA. Ya know?

You've gotten some amazing advice from the mamas in this thread, and words of wisdom.


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## mom2ewc (Feb 17, 2007)

Well, this is the OP, and I just have to say that I've gone back and re-read all of your responses... oh... about 10 times already. I was scared to respond back, because I don't want to stop the amazing string of replies... oh, and I also was totally overwhelmed by all the kind, wise thoughts that you all sent, and simply had to take a day or so to get up the courage to respond to all of that warmth and momma wisdom coming my way.

When I submitted the post two nights ago, I'd just done a google search on the words, "I hate myself." That's how rock bottom I was. Someone hit the nail on the head when they wrote that they could parent better when they let go of their self-hatred. So true, so true.

I was going to quote the responses that really hit the nail on the head... but there were oh, about 25 of them! So, I don't know if one post can hold all of those quotes.

But a few things that really stood out:

1. My DS is turning two next month... so yes, those of you who guessed he's a toddler were right on the mark. And yes, he's a very Spirited Child. I simply wasn't ready for any child, but especially not a spirited child. But that's what I get, since I'm a spirited adult, right?

2. As far as being a SAHM - I'm not really sure what I am, to be honest. I was running my business from home until about a month ago... DS has been going to daycare two days a week for the past few month, but I'm the care taker the rest of the week. Since he's been born, I've been crazy busy every second of the day, trying to take care of him and run my business at the same time. A month ago, I decided to go on "sabbatical" from work, to try and keep my sanity. But I've found myself in demand for three major volunteer projects now, and am somehow just as busy as I was when running my business. So, something has to give. While I have "free time" it's not really free, and there's got to be a need of mine that's not being met.

3. While DS is at daycare two days a week, I'm still "working" during that time, and not really recharging my batteries. And this week, I kept him home from daycare because someone had just come down with RSV, and I didn't want him exposed. So, being with him five days this week taught me that I really NEED those two daycare days to myself.

4. Those of you who pointed out the possibility of depression were right on the money, too. I've had PPD and PTSD since my son was born. I thought the PPD was beyond me, but perhaps it still lingers. Sigh. I don't know. I've tried so hard for two years to put the PPD behind me. Maybe it's not as much PPD as an unrealistic set of expectations for myself. I've always been a perfectionist in every area of my life, and I've always succeeded at anything I've tried to do, even those things that everyone else said was impossible. DS was unplanned, and his birth turned out horrendously opposite our expectations, and there were a ton of other life changes in the first year of his life... so I guess here I am, two years in, still fighting the fact that I'm a mom... and trying to make up for two years in the PPD dark. I have to look back and remember how far I've come since then, like another poster recommended.

5. I LOVED reading the stories that you shared about screaming outside the car while the kids were inside screaming... I LOVED the mom who posted about "Getting down on all fours with one knee in a puddle of organic applesauce and neighing like a horse while a 2 year old with post-nasal drips complains in a piercing mosquito-like voice that you're not doing it right is NOT a step towards personal fulfillment for every woman." Thank you for those images, I love you for them!

Can anyone else share similar stories? Because those are the stories that you don't hear, and these are the ones that make me realize that I'm normal! Whenever I'm around other moms, they always look like they have it so together (and I'm sure I appear the same way), and they LOVE doing baby/toddler things. But I get SO BORED and I lose patience so easily. I'm brutally honest about my shortcomings, and what's not working about motherhood for me. And yet other moms that I know rarely will admit the same. So, if anyone has any other stories of feeling inadequate as a mom, or where they reach the edge of their rope during the day, I'd LOVE to hear them.

You guys rock. This was my first real post to mothering, but you can bet I'll be back. I'm totally overwhelmed by the love, support, and great advice.

Now, I'm off to make my list of "Things that I do WELL as a mom" and "Things that I do WELL as a wife." I do a lot of good things, it's time I recognized them.

Oh, and please don't stop posting, I want to hear more from all of you!


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mightymoo* 
I have very "spirited" sensitive stubborn children. They have their own plan for their lives and rarely does my agenda fit into it. I don't want to have to do any of these techniques either. I get angry and frustrated. I lose control and yell. I am not proud of it, its not my best moments as a mother, but it happens. I use the techniques I find in Gentle Discipline not because I particularly like them or want to have to do it this way, but mainly because I don't like the mother I am when I don't.

That describes me andmy family precisely! I did not plan either of my dc. In fact, we were told we could not have any -- unless through FIV... well, we had 2 in 2 years... LOL ... pre-kids I had/have a very fulfilling career, incompatible with that of dh, who has a fulfilling carreer of his own in another town. We have given up SOOO much of our careers to be the parents of our kids that both our careers have stopped being fulfilling and have become the bare minimum you can do in our respective jobs to pass for decent. This at times hurts so bad I could cry!

At the same time, I disagree with a pp who said that if you are a no-nonsense parent who will just say get in your car-seat - no games no singsong - you will get happy no nonsense kids. Really, being playful, being empathic is the only way forward with my kids, if I am not (and at times, I am not) they become difficult in a way that becomes an hallucination, so I better be playful - like it or fake it at times - or I will enjoy mothering even less, not more.

I agree we all need to be more accepting of reality, accepting what is... it does not come to me naturally...

To the OP if beng non-nonsense with your kid works for you, no need to feel obliged to do the singsong thing at all... in fact, playful parenting in itself is about connecting with your kids, and if you find you can connect with him in the adult world (cooking, going for walks, to the pool, whatever... ) go for it...


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## wondermama (May 10, 2005)

You're not alone. My first child was unplanned and I felt very unprepared to parent...I felt like I was still raising myself. It's taken me SEVEN YEARS to make peace with my parenting journey -- it's hard to admit that, but there it is. Some of us just have a tougher journey as a mom than others. For me, I had a difficult childhood, and when I had my daughter I had to re-live it somehow -- many uncomfortable, painful feelings came up and I wanted to take care of ME, not always someone else. I am also an introvert and love, no, make that REQUIRE long periods of solitude, contemplation, peace, quiet. So what did I get? An intense, spirted, high-need kid who wanted to be on my body or in my face 24/7 and was devastated to be away from me! Many, MANY days I just felt I was going through the motions while I felt distant and disconnected inside. For me, I finally realized I had PPD and started therapy -- this helped a lot -- and I had to GRIEVE, GRIEVE, GRIEVE the loss of my life as I thought it would be -- I always imagined myself as a famous author, living in my own cabin in the mountains somewhere by a river, leading workshops on personal growth, having lots of time for retreat, traveling. So what is my life? I meet the needs of two little people full time (yes I had another one, long story!). It's been hard, really almost impossibly hard sometimes, and yet... I have learned so, so much about acceptance, surrender, making peace with what is. And now...I (mostly) don't want to be anywhere else. I kind of can't believe it. In fact, I'm preparing to conceive number three. If you would have told me that seven years ago I would have laughed (after I finished crying that is). A turning point for me was reading here on MDC someone's post about their challenging child and how hard it was for them to mother, and someone's reply said (something to the effect of), "your son came to heal you." I just cried and cried and cried -- I realized, yes, I am healing in this crazy, imperfect, maddening life, I am healing in ways that I'm not sure I could have done without going through all of this. I also had to really let go of that "perfect mother" picture and have lots of compassion for myself as I muddled through -- it's always a journey.

That said, I kind of take the hard road usually -- maybe for you it is better to have a blended life where you work and have childcare, or do something part time -- but whatever road you choose, the gifts will be there, they will come, they will just be hard-won.


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## wondermama (May 10, 2005)

I wanted to add: after I healed a bit from my own PPD, I started a women's group and a new mother's support group at our local birth resource center, and let me tell you -- there are WAY more of "us" out there than you would ever guess -- moms just barely keeping it together, feeling inadequate and unprepared, feeling awful about themselves, feeling like terrible mothers -- and EVERY ONE OF THEM (US) kept it a secret, felt there was something terribly wrong and awful about them and only them and compared themselves unfavorably to all the other "better" mothers out there -- I can't tell you how many times in my support groups women would just gape in disbelief at how similar they were all feeling and how alone they had all felt before. My women's group was a lifesaver -- on the "outside" we looked pretty good -- and on the inside we were all, on some level, barely keeping it together. What an eye-opener. I HIGHLY recommend finding or starting some kind of women's group/support group of other moms who aren't afraid to get real (unless MDC is enough!) -- it was so, so healing and affirming for me -- these are some of my best friends to this day, and we still admit all the raw stuff to each other. It's great. There are also some great books if you have the time and inclination: "The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood," "The Mask of Motherhood" and "Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year" (the last one by Anne Lamott). All of these, in their various ways, uncover the myths of motherhood we're all fed in this culture and tell it like it is. Hang in there, and I'm glad you found this community!!!


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## sklapprodt (Jan 26, 2008)

I too just wanted to thank all of you mamas for these threads. They touched a chord with me as well. I always wanted to be the mom that my mom wasn't...yet, to my horror I find myself being her more often than not. I found this forum at an especiallly low time in my life (hating myself as a mama and a wife), but reading your stories and getting your advice has really helped. I am still finding my path, but feel more empowered doing so. Thank you all!


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

The other thing to remember is that the reason this forum is filled with great ideas and clever suggestions is that people know it's hard to think of these things.

Most GD parenting is based on patience and being tired kills patience.

For more stories, check out the absurd tantrum thread in toddlers. Not so much how to deal with things, but you might enjoy reading about what other parents are dealing with.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I have stories!

My son (2.5) is NOT spirited, he's pretty easy going in a lot of ways (although very much on his own agenda). So I should have had it easy right? But I haven't felt that way.

I loved him from the womb on, but I did not like the first year. There were some great moments, but mostly I found myself either worrying, berating myself, or covered in some bodily fluid - or all three. I have since come to realize that I am not really a baby person. I baby wore and breastfed and coslept (co-sleeper) and all that, but it felt a lot like drudgery. It just wasn't me. Now that my son is verbal, I can feel the difference already. (I also may well have been depressed.)

I think one thing to remember is that you are going to be a parent for all the stages. Some may be smoother for you personally than others. You may _naturally_ be a rocking mom of a 12 yr old, you just don't know that yet. Meanwhile, it's work. That's ok.

So my stories - every day between oh about 7 mos to 11 mos old I would put my son in the Ergo, go walk him at the park, and often spend 20 minutes hurling rocks at things just to get rid of this feeling of being utterly trapped. I finally discovered how to get around that feeling in myself more but during that time I had a fuse that went off around 1 pm.

Before I went back to work full time I was juggling PT work by working at night. This made bedtime awful. A few times I deliberately walked out of the room _to get my son hysterical at the loss of me_ so that he would then be soooo glad that I came back that he would nurse down.


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## ruhbehka (Nov 5, 2006)

There are many, many days when I feel not cut out for the job of being someone's mother, as well. Days when I have run out of patience, out of gentleness, and I am just struggling not to lash out against DS when he starts stamping his feet in frustration because his pretzel broke.

I agree with the pp who said that just choosing to be a "no nonsense get in your carseat" mama doesn't guarantee you'll get a kid who cooperates.

Many of the mamas here who are good at finding creative and playful ways of doing things are that way because we have a really, really hard-headed kid, and the alternatives were to go insane or be abusive.

There is no way I could wrestle my 18 month old into his carseat against his will... he is a strong little bugger, and even my very athletic DH can't get him into that seat if he doesn't want to get in there. So, we find other ways to do things, because no one wants to be fighting with their child 24/7.

And FWIW, I'd be a much, much more patient mama if I had more time to myself. Don't feel guilty for needing it.

There are weeks when going to get a pap smear sounds like a nice mini vacation, and you know when that happens, you REALLY need to get out alone more.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Well, here's a thread I started when I was in a similar mood:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...hlight=failing

I have yelled at my kids. I too have stood outside my car and screamed. I slam doors to the car more often than I care to admit. I laughed outloud at the line about being on all 4s in apple sauce ... not being fulfilling.

Find some time to do things that refresh you. Look into the PPD thing again -- and forgive yourself.

As my grandmother would say "You can only do your best. Even the angels can do no more."


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## honolula (Apr 11, 2005)

Quote:

I think one thing to remember is that you are going to be a parent for all the stages. Some may be smoother for you personally than others. You may naturally be a rocking mom of a 12 yr old, you just don't know that yet. Meanwhile, it's work. That's ok.

This is so true! I love parenting my kids, these days. I don't love being isolated in this house, poor, and uneducated... I _don't_ like knowing that if I were childless I wouldn't be in a bitter custody battle and I might actually have some money in my pocket and some time to do things for myself, maybe roam a bit, explore different types of work and different places where I might like to settle... but lately I just love the kids to bits n peices. And this was NOT SO when they were babies/toddlers, believe me!

Quote:

Whenever I'm around other moms, they always look like they have it so together (and I'm sure I appear the same way), and they LOVE doing baby/toddler things. But I get SO BORED and I lose patience so easily. I'm brutally honest about my shortcomings, and what's not working about motherhood for me. And yet other moms that I know rarely will admit the same.
My sis in AA throws around all the Program lingo and sayings, and one of her favorite mantras is "Don't compare _your insides_ to _their outsides_." Sure those mom's LOOK perfectly put together, but you said so yourself: so do you! Who knows what their lives are like? They may be too ashamed to admit their shortcomings, or they may be blind to them. It may be that they have relatively low expectations of their parenting, or that looking the part of the perfect mom is their #1 parenting priority. Who knows? Maybe they're cannibals and they're only fattening up the kids for Easter Dinner. Half of them are probably looking at you, thinking "Wow, if only I could be as well adjusted to this life as SHE is!"


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Stories...stories can be very helpful in reminding you that you're normal, I agree.

I think I kind of expected parenting to be...always fulfilling. Sure, I thought, it's normal to get angry but bored? no. Unfulfilled? no. Totally exhausted? no. Burned out? no. None of those things were on my radar at all. It was surprising to experience all of these things, plus despair and feelings of failure.

You know what? It's totally NOT fulfilling to have most of my attempts to help my child rejected by her. In fact, that sucks. We go through phases where she just. will. not. accept. my. help. Of any kind. And not only does she not accept help, she's nasty about refusing it. And I get her. I do. She isn't trying to be nasty. On one level, I don't take it personally. On another level, when this happens I just feel defeated, like a failure, tired, frustrated, overwhelmed, and helpless in a "so wtf am I supposed to do?!?" kind of way.

I remember pacing outside with my infant son while my almost 3 year old toddler screamed and raged inside, because nothing I did helped in any way and I was so frustrated, and I was afraid that if I stayed inside I would hurt her.

For years and years, I could not figure out what I was doing wrong as a parent. My oldest had (still has) behavioral issues that I just could not get a handle on. Before I understood her special needs, I blamed myself, I kept trying to fix myself and her, and I felt like a failure at every turn.

I remember taking drives just to put my oldest to sleep, not just as a toddler but as a preschooler too, because she wouldn't sleep and I needed a break. So once the kids were asleep, I'd sit in the car with them in the driveway and read. I was so desperate for some time when I didn't have to be "on."

I intended to homeschool, but between the challenges of my oldest and my own challenges with regard to parenting, I decided on school. Starting with preschool. It felt awful, you know, to make that decision because I knew we just couldn't be together all the time and be healthy. This was one of those times I felt like a failure.

I don't like to play pretend. It isn't fulfilling and fun for me.

It gets tedious sometimes, being a mom. I don't always like it, sometimes I want to quit or go on a long vacation without kids. Like anything else in life, it just isn't _always_ fun or happy or fulfilling.

Know what, though?

Being a mom has been the most amazing journey. I've learned so much, not just about kids and parenting, but about life and about myself. Through parenting, I've come to ask questions about life, the universe, and everything that I never asked before. It's been amazing.

And kids grow. Phases pass. There's a tough phase, and then there's an easier and more fun phase. I'm a great baby and young toddler mom. Ages 2.5 to about 8...not so much the best match for me. 8 is turning out to be more fun, and a better match for me than those preschool years.

And even in those tough phases, there is so much fun and beauty and wonderfulness to be had. I just have to take the time to see it, let myself see and enjoy it.

You'll get through this tough time. Every mom I know has been there.

A friend has shared with me this thought: It's a marathon without a finish line. And it is. Along the way there are bumps in the road, unexpected detours, cramps, fatigue, maybe a collapse from exhaustion, twisted ankles, scary scenery. But along the way there is also exhilaration, beauty, fun, awe, and the most beautiful scenery. And as you get used to it, you build some stamina and strength. You grow. You get better at it. We all start not really knowing what we're doing, and we all grow into parenting. To quote Erma Bombeck (I think), it's the biggest on-the-job-training program ever.


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