# Best way to handle this situation? (may be triggering?) UPDATE Post #14 & 15



## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

I have a situation that I'd really like your input on how best to handle it. My xBF (whom DH and I both went to school with) and his wife have battled infertility for years. We are all good friends and spend a few days together every month or so, even though they live about two hours away. He's 'Uncle Chuck" to our kids, that sort of thing.

They found out they were pregnant 5 weeks ago. We found out we are pregnant right after that. We haven't told them, and I'm glad we didn't, because she just had a miscarriage last week









He's an OTR trucker and she had to go through it without him
















I've been supportive as much as I can be, but we haven't gotten together since then just because she hasn't felt like socializing (totally understandable, doesn't bother or upset me). The thing is, our due dates were almost identical. This was their first pregnancy after trying for SEVEN YEARS.









My problem is how do I tell her about OUR pregnancy? She's going to figure it out at some point (obviously) and I have NO interest in hurting her or being a painful reminder of her devastating loss. I'm wanting to wait as long as possible to give her as much distance from their loss as I can, but we're planning on doing the 'facebook announcement' around Christmas/New Years so she'll definitely see it then.

Thanks for any input, I really want to be as gentle with them about this as possible. I KNOW they'll be so happy for us, but this really kicked them to the core, but I know I'd have a really hard time with the situation being reversed.

Thanks everyone


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

How about telling her in a way that acknowledges how hard it might be for her to hear it?

I think it is so sweet of you to be concerned for your friend. I can definitely see how awkward this must be for you.









When you tell her , let her know that you didn't want her to have to find out from someone else, and you know it has to be terribly hard to hear.

If you approach it honestly and with sensitivity to her pain, you would be doing the right thing, and then her reaction to that is really on her. Honestly though, not everybody reacts badly in situations like this, even though it's still painful for them. For me personally, I never lost my ability to be so happy for friends who are expecting, even after my second loss. Both my sister and a friend are due very close to when the latest lost baby would have been due, and I can say honestly that I am happy for them, and have no problem relating to them or enjoying that they're happy. My poor sister and her baby are getting all the maternal feelings that were stymied when I lost my own baby, actually. I'm trying not to overwhelm her.









Alternatively, you might have your dh talk to her dh, if you think maybe she could take it easier coming from her husband. It depends on how close you are with them and what you know about her personality/how she deals with things.


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## colorclash (Jul 14, 2009)

I agree with everything above. And I would definitely give her some space before you told her, but also tell her before you tell facebook, so she doesn't have to find out about it that way. The other thing is, down the line remember her lost little one. Make a note of the date and send a card next year, or give her a little gift of remembrance on her due date, something to show that you haven't forgotten about it all, will be very meaningful to her.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I wouldn't tell her in person, but tell her in an email instead. I'd wait a while, but like Colorclash said, do it before you tell facebook. I'd acknowledge her loss, and tell her how sorry you are that she lost her baby. If it were me, I would probably start crying and run away if any of my friends announced their pregnancies to me face-to-face. I don't think I'd be able to be happy for them, at least not for a while (perhaps until I'm pregnant again?), so it's a good idea to give her some space and not sound super excited and push all of the baby stuff on her. She'll be feeling sad from her loss for a long time. It's probably also not a good idea to send her photos of your ultrasounds. I think that sending her a card on her EDD is an excellent idea, and will help her to know how much you care. Even acknowledging how hard the holidays must be for her may be a good idea, because she may be thinking how different she wanted them to be.

It's so caring of you to ask on this forum here, it shows just how much you care about your friend.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'll second what everyone else said. Maybe put something in there that you totally understand if she can't be around you for a while. Just let her know that you love her, value her friendship and realize how difficult this is for her.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I agree with Jules about using email. It's much easier for a babylost mama to vent to a screen (if she needs too) than a pregnant lady. Perhaps begin the email by explaining why you chose such a seemingly impersonal route - that you recognise she might need her own space to process your news. I suspect that showing that you understand that it might be very hard for her will help her to accept your pregnancy - because she'll be able to see that you don't take it for granted.


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## NoraFlood (Dec 21, 2008)

I agree with everyone who has suggested that you tell her personally, in an email, before she has the chance to read it on Facebook. And absolutely acknowledge that you understand that she may not be able to be 100% happy for you right now, because her own loss is so recent. Personally, I have had a REALLY hard time in the past (and now especially) being really happy about other people's pregnancy announcements when I was dealing with my own loss. And if she has the same reaction, she will probably not want to hear about it face-to-face, when she might have to stifle her immediate emotions.

And yes, send her something on her due date. That would be a wonderful gesture, especially if she is not pregnant again by then.

You are being a really amazing friend by thinking about this, I have to tell you. You might be shocked at how many otherwise well-meaning people do not take these things into consideration. Even if she is full of envy and sadness at your announcement, I think telling her in a way that is sensitive to her loss will make all the difference to her, and she will never forget your kindness.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Good advice here. Just remember not to take it personally if she distances herself from you. It isn't about you or your baby. It might be what she needs to do to stay sane, to survive another day & to grieve.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

I agree with everyone else. I'd wait until a week before you plan to put it on facebook, and email her.


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## kristenok18 (Jun 26, 2006)

Your situation mirrors mine almost exactly. My sil and I were pg at the same time, me after 3 yrs of infertility. I m/c, she carried to term (her due-date was one week before mine). It was HORRIBLE. I ended up having to see a counsellor and take meds for depression because I was having such a hard time with her pregnancy and our loss and continued infertility.

My advice would be to acknowledge how incredibly difficult this is for her, and to tell her in private (on the phone or email is great), so that she can process it in private. It is SO SO SO hard to hear other people's news when you are dealing with infertility and loss.

Also, try to understand that she might need to distance herself from you for a while. I have had to many times, and it is no reflection on my feelings towards my friend/relative or their pregnancy, it is simply that I am in so much pain that I cannot put myself through the intense physical/emotional pain of being near someone who is pregnant. If that happens with your friend, please please please know that it is not directed at you. It is a form of self-preservation on her part. Just be understanding and thoughtful.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, btw!







Thank you for being such a thoughtful friend.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Thanks for all the really awesome suggestions everyone, I appreciate it so much! I'm going to send her a private note on Facebook about a week ahead of our public announcement and let her know I completely understand however she feels about it.

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to share your thoughts on this, I'm sorry any of you belong here and I wish you all the best. I'll post an update here when/if I have one.


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## juneau (May 20, 2005)

I would have felt like murdering someone who told me in an e-mail. It takes courage to tell someone in person and that's the least you owe her, especially since you see her socially. My SIL and I were pregnant at the same time and we announced our pregnancies to each other in the same phone call (we lived across the country). I lost my baby at 15 weeks and she never even sent me a card, let alone anything else, until her baby's birth announcement. I confronted her and broke down in tears the next time I saw her and she said, "but I thought you didn't want to hear from me!" But I did want to hear from her; what I wanted to hear was an acknowledgement of my loss -- because I knew she of all people would understand how much I already loved that baby. I still haven't gotten over it and her "baby" is almost 3 (I now have a new baby of my own and I still don't trust my SIL emotionally).


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

I would probably tell her in person, but I, personally, have not struggled with years of infertility before my losses, so I might be the wrong person to ask.

My sister fell pregnant with twins about a month after I did (in Jan/Feb). Her twin due date was nearly my due date -- she delivered her twins on 10/16 and my EDD was 10/19. She called me (I'm too far away to tell in person) and asked how I was doing. Then she told me she had some news she wanted to share and she was afraid it might be painful. Then she told me. The hard part for me was that she'd told everyone else in the family several weeks prior - in some ways it made me feel broken or untouchable that she didn't tell me when she told everyone else. I wanted both to be handled with care but also to not be patronized if that makes sense.
Through the remainder of her pregnancy, she complained very little and spoke very little about the pregnancy unless I asked directly. She handled me in the most perfect way I could imagine - I was never bombarded by details unless I asked. She didn't complain until I specifically asked about complaints. She was fantastic in every way. Two days after my due date, I received a card from her that acknowledged our loss -- the only reason, I'm guessing, it took so long was because she was still in the hospital with the boys until the day of our loss. My guess is if she could've landed the card here on my EDD she would have.

I don't know about your friend or how she handles news, but from my experience with my sister I can say that she handled it perfectly -- and when the boys were born I had a hard time, she gave me space, and a few weeks later I travelled to see everyone and bond with my nephews. While doing so, she made sure to ask me how I was doing and said very little about the travails of life with twins - again, until I asked. Once she realized that I was doing better, she shared more -- but she always gauged her topics with me, how I was feeling, whether I was emotional or doing well.

I can honestly say that I love her more deeply now than I ever have before - twin pregnancies are hard and scary and never once did she burden me with the stuff I wasn't capable of handling. Interestingly, I was capable of handling so much more because of it, if that makes any sense at all. She didn't ever treat me as though I was broken, just with respect.

If your friend - from your experience - will need space, go with the e-mail. I would've been very saddened to get news of my nephews via e-mail though.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Ok minor update. I emailed her DH first to see how she's doing and if he thought in person or email would be better. He said they are making it ok, the holidays have been rough, and he thought email would be better. Mostly because we've been hit with two blizzards in two weeks and they live in a tiny farm town 2 hours away...but also because he thought she'd do better being able to read it with him still home instead of waiting until she and I can get together and her likely being without him.

They are so danged adorable it's just unreal









So I sent her the email just now on Facebook. It basically says everything we talked about here, that she is welcome to be as included or not as she is comfortable with and she can change her mind in either direction at any time and without sharing a reason, if she needs to.

Then I told her I can't wait for the snow to clear so we can all go out for dinner without my kids and catch up, since we've all been so busy lately. She's training to be an EMT and I can't wait to hear about it, so we have plenty to chat about outside of this topic if need be.

I'll let you all know what her response is, I can't thank you all enough for sharing your insight for this situation.

Much appreciated


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Wow that was fast! I got a response less than 15 minutes after I sent it! She said she's thrilled for us and that she and her DH are doing ok. She joked that if I have twins she wants one, so I know there's some 'ouch' going on but she really seems ok. I did tell her DH that if he notices she's having a hard time and maybe not wanting to say anything to me, he can let me know too and it's no prob at all.

And we're definitely getting together for lunch soon


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Kinda an update to this, I'd love everyone's input from this board as well? Thanks so much


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