# Was it a late miscarriage or stillbirth??



## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

That's the $100,00 question! Was it a late miscarriage or a stillbirth?
It seems to depend on who you talk to. I have had doctors and nurses and mw tell me all different things. Does it really matter? No, it still feels the same.







I was 20 weeks when I was induced, but the baby died around 18 weeks.







The only reason I am facing this question issue is because I just don't know what to say to people. I feel myself stumbling over my words, and I honestly just don't know what to say.







: It's hard enough darn it! WWYD, and what do you think?


----------



## chrissy (Jun 5, 2002)

i am so sorry. i don't know what the technical answer is, but i would consider your loss a stillbirth. i am so so sorry.


----------



## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

I am so sorry. I don't know what they technically would call it, but I think you should call it whatever feels most comfortable to you. That is what really matters.


----------



## emdeecee_sierra (Oct 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amydoula* 
I am so sorry. I don't know what they technically would call it, but I think you should call it whatever feels most comfortable to you. That is what really matters.

This is what I was going to say.








I am very sorry for your loss, Mama


----------



## Ackray (Feb 11, 2004)

As far as I know "medically/technically" 20 weeks is when the name changes. I just can't imagine calling what you have gone through anything but a stillbirth.







I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with telling people what you want to say. I know how hard this is.


----------



## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


----------



## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Medically speaking a stillbirth is a fetal demise at or after 20 weeks gestational age. It was a big deal when I was losing my first baby because since I was 20 weeks I was sent straight to the L & D and didn't have to go to the ER when I started bleeding. After 20 weeks a D & C is usually out of the question and you will deliver the baby ( either at the hospital or at home, whatever you choose).

I lost my 3rd baby at 17 weeks and it was treated much differently medically speaking although everyone was freakin' out over it being a 2nd trimester loss. I was offered a D & C, which wasn't an option with my 20 week loss. I did end up birthing him/her at home.

Also, the payment was different for the cremation of the two babies because of the 20 week marker. I actually had to argue with the social worker ( I had problems delivering the placenta and was transferred to the hospital via ambulance) that I didn't care that I wasn't 20 weeks along that I wanted the baby's remains to cremate...sigh.

BUT....it really doesn't matter what the medical community says. It just doesn't. It matters what you want to say, and then say it. A stillbirth and a miscarriage are both painful and difficult to get through, the rest is just semantics.

Hugs to you sweetie....


----------



## ChristyM26 (Feb 26, 2006)

My twins were born at 20 weeks and as far as I'm concerned it was a stillbirth. I would use whatever term makes you feel more comfortable. It's hard to explain, especially since a lot of people can't really understand how you feel either way. But I've found that using the term stillbirth makes people more aware of the fact that I gave birth to 2 babies and that the idea of a miscarriage makes people say dumb things sometimes. A stillbirth seems to elicit more sympathy from people even though it shouldn't








mama.


----------



## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss.

I personally do not think these medical/technical terms gel with how the woman feels. I do think what you had was a stillbirth.

Healing thoughts to you....


----------



## bullfrog (Feb 19, 2003)

I agree with PP's who have said that the only thing that matters is what feels right to you.
I've had 2 friends lose babies recently. One at 16 weeks and one at 18 weeks. My friend who lost her baby at 16 weeks said, "It doesn't feel like a miscarriage if you get to hold your baby, it feels like a still birth." I agree with her.
I agree also that if you use the term 'still birth' then people seem to get the weight of the loss - for some reason 'miscarriage' sounds like a 'lesser' event to some people.

I'm so sorry for your loss.


----------



## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bullfrog* 
I agree also that if you use the term 'still birth' then people seem to get the weight of the loss - for some reason 'miscarriage' sounds like a 'lesser' event to some people.

I agree with the PPs who said things like the above. It's sad that you have to use a certain term so that some people "get it" and may be able to comprehend your loss.

Prayers and hugs for you from me and my DH.


----------



## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyM26* 
My twins were born at 20 weeks and as far as I'm concerned it was a stillbirth. I would use whatever term makes you feel more comfortable.









I am so so sorry about your twin boys.
I understand why people are saying this, I just don't know what is comfortable, either way it doesn't sound right. You know what I mean...sigh

Quote:

It's hard to explain, especially since a lot of people can't really understand how you feel either way. But I've found that using the term stillbirth makes people more aware of the fact that I gave birth to 2 babies and that the idea of a miscarriage makes people say dumb things sometimes.
Dumb things...no!







:

Quote:

A stillbirth seems to elicit more sympathy from people even though it shouldn't








mama.
I am SO glad you said that!! Why is that??!! What the *#@$^*? It is true and it sucks! Up until now I really haven't been calling my experience anything, as I said before I have just been stumbling over my words. About a week before my pregnancy ended, a friend in town (very small town) had a full term stillbirth.







I felt, and still do, awful for her....terrible, worse, I cry for her as much as I do for myself. Clearly her situation is drastically different than mine. The same people who have smothered her with support are the same people who are saying these "dumb things" to me. I love the "oh, you know there was something wrong, it was meant to be". Do you think anyone would dream of saying that to someone who had just held their full term stillborn baby?? I highly doubt it! A loss is a loss is a loss!!! Grrr. Thanks for letting me vent.


----------



## tommom (Jun 20, 2007)

Boy do I hear you! The first is the one year anniversary of my little guy being born at 20 weeks. I've had a miscarriage too- at 13 weeks. Both were awful, traumatic, devastating. The birth was very different for me though. I remember wanting to scratch one of the doctors eyes out because she kept referring to our baby as a fetus. He was a baby and he was born...still.


----------



## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Eliseatthebeach* 
About a week before my pregnancy ended, a friend in town (very small town) had a full term stillbirth.







I felt, and still do, awful for her....terrible, worse, I cry for her as much as I do for myself. Clearly her situation is drastically different than mine. The same people who have smothered her with support and the same people who are saying these "dumb things" to me. I love the "oh, you know there was something wrong, it was meant to be". Do you think anyone would dream of saying that to someone who had just held their full term stillborn baby??

Actually, yes. After losing my daughter at full term I was told, variously, "it was a blessing - there must have been something wrong with her" and "Everything happens for a reason." (Not to mention "at least you know you can have children" and "at least you can pregnant.")
I'm afraid people say insensitive, stupid things whenever you lose your baby.
I'm sorry your had to hear them.


----------



## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

i was 19 1/2 weeks along when I lost our son. I was told that at 20 weeks they consider it stillbirth but before then a miscarriage. I held him, and a couple of days doesn't make a difference to me. It's even more fun when I got the anasthesia bill that called it a "missed abortion." everyone has different names for it, but in the end I call it loss. i don't call it miscarriage, or still, but loss because that is what it is. I lost my baby, and he had a heartbeat until he was born. I lost him just like I lose other loved ones in my family when their times come.


----------



## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

I believe the correct terminology would be late miscarriage since the death happened prior to 20 weeks.

But I don't think the terminology matters. To me, a loss is a loss. And it hurts.

Use whatever term you feel comfortable using. I do agree with others, that using the term stillbirth will get you more sympathy. Many don't see miscarriage as sad as stillbirth. But like I said, a loss is a loss, and it hurts. Terminology doesn't really make the pain any less for you.







:


----------



## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Megan73* 
Actually, yes. After losing my daughter at full term I was told, variously, "it was a blessing - there must have been something wrong with her" and "Everything happens for a reason." (Not to mention "at least you know you can have children" and "at least you can pregnant.")
I'm afraid people say insensitive, stupid things whenever you lose your baby.
I'm sorry your had to hear them.

I am so so sorry. I believe I have had an eye opener. The only shoes I have been wearing are my own, now I understand.







: People will say dumb things no matter what, I was so wrong! And now I am one of them, I did not mean to sound insensitive too, I am so so sorry!







to everyone, it sucks that we all have been through this. I feel so grateful to have everyone here, and your opinions, it is a growing and learning experience.


----------



## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Elise, I didn't mean to make you feel bad! I'm so sorry.
What I meant to say - obviously clumsily - is that mamas who've had losses are in the same boat.
However long we carried our babies, we're grieving and people can say terrible things - however well meaning - because they don't understand.
This is a place where people DO understand.








I am so, so sorry for your loss - and that it isn't being recognized by people IRL.


----------



## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's true, it doesn't matter when it happened or what you call it, a loss is a loss and it is painful.
I'm also sad to report that it doesn't matter how far along you were- people still say stupid and insensitive things. When I lost my son at 37 weeks (3 weeks after my baby shower) I heard the same things- there must've been something wrong, and oh, my favorite- at least you didn't get to bond with him...it would've been so much worse if he had lived and then died. One of those things were even said to me here on MDC, not in this forum, obviously, but yeah, madness.

I wish you peace and healing.


----------

