# Can't find the way back to my center...



## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Yesterday, I thought about killing myself...the pain of massive loss is so dark sometimes...and it starts to feel like it is just everywhere all the time. I felt like such a jerk when my husband came home early (he is a therapist!!) to do some hard core therapy on ME to get me thinking straight enough to feel safe again.

Today, I woke up determined to be a better me. To be the mama I know my kids and husband love...to be the super mom everyone thinks I am. To be the person I LIKE to see in the mirror. So...I turned off the phone...I took a shower (the whole world should shout for joy about that accomplishment...)
and found that the drain was clogged. I took out a screw driver and plumbers wrench...to make my father--mr. fix it---proud, and was determined to fix the clog myself. My bathtub is now filled with sand, rice and veggies, hair, and smelly water. It is still clogged. A plumber is on the way. My father would hold his head in his hands in shame for his witless daughter.

I thought it would be nice for my kids if I made butterscotch brownies with a cocoa swirl...to tell them how much I love them...how sorry I am for all the tears and gloom I've been walking around with for the past five...or is it six now...weeks. I forgot about them while I was trying to fix the pipes..and I burned them to a crisp. My Sammy said..."it's all right mom...there kinda o.k. if you just eat the middle bit...."

I left a message with my mortgage broker trying to apologise for all the weeping and pleading I did yesterday about the refinance that won't go through now because I was one day late after our baby Simon died. I tried to explain...started crying again.

she is sure not to call back.

My husband called between clients to play me the song he has composed on his guitar for Simon Alexander. Says he wakes up every single day to this song playing in his head. A gift from his angel boy. It's lovely....but why don't I hear music from my baby in the morning??? Why don't I feel so jazzed about the brillance that our baby was for us??? I just miss him...am greedy for what I do NOT have.

My mother in law left a message for my husband about what he wants for his birthday this morning. I have not spoken to her since we lost Simon. I wanted to pick up the phone and scream at her. I wanted to scream at a frail little woman who is being treated for cancer. I wanted to scream and yell and have an opportunity to push her down the stairs. WHY???? Because I am angry. I am angry at the memory of her suggesting that I have my uterus removed while I was pregnant with Simon Alexander so that "this" never happens again. Simon was a surprise. And we were embracing that surprise...were excited for him. My mother in law never seemed to get that. Didn't want "this" to happen again. I want to scream at her....I want to scream that I hope "this" does happen again. I want my baby!!!!!! I hate her for not wanting him. I hate knowing that some part of her...the part she would never express out loud...is relieved that "this" didn't happen again.

I took a deep breath and did NOT pick up the phone and scream at the frail little woman who repeatedly sticks her foot in her mouth with no memory of having done so.

I tried to do yoga....so that I could get back to the homeschooling with my children that was left off when we lost Simon. Found that my breath is totally ragged. No way to find steady breathing. It just turns to sobs. My center is shipwrecked on a deserted island. I can't find my way home.

Tried to plant seeds in the garden...carrots...lettuce....

spilled them by accident when the wind picked up.

sat in the dirt crying while my kids watch starwars and eat cold pasta with sauce leftovers for lunch.

I asked them how they were doing....the unanimous reply was "AWESOME".

My little bear hugged my leg and asked me how I was doing.

I just hugged him back and tried not to cry.

I found dish soap in my fridge today...I must have put it there.

Where am I???? How can I find myself again??
How long can my kids do "AWESOME" in this chaos with the broken mom???

How long can my husband care for the wife that is acting like a client???

Simon Alexander....I'm so lost without you...I need to find myself. Help me. Help me like you have helped your daddy. I need your help. I need to be given a way back to myself. I can't go on without my center. Everyone needs me to be ME again...and I am lost.


----------



## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I think it's okay to speak to a grief counselor, mama. I think it's okay to be underwater right now. Your loss is fresh. I had to "fake it until I make it" for quite some time. Then, slowly, ever so slowly, there was a sort of transition from faking it to actually making it. I can't even put my finger on when it happened. One day I laughed and I didn't feel guilty for laughing.

Be kind to yourself, but remember that only you can know when you're crossing a line from grief into being harmful to yourself. If you feel like you're in the place where you need some outside help, do it. If not for you, then for your boys. Hugs, mama.


----------



## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Ah, E-butterfly . . . many (((hugs))) Mama.
As lisa says, your loss is very new.
The grief road is a long, hard one.
I think your feelings all sound very normal . . . even the
blackest ones. BTDT.
I'm glad you were able to recognize that you were not feeling safe
and reach out to your husband for help.
I know it is so much easier to say than to do, but please
don't be afraid to ask when you do need help.
And I'll second the idea of a grief counselor.
I saw someone regularly for almost a year after I lost my son,
and it just provided a safe place to spill my guts. And I could call
her anytime in-between appointments if I needed to talk.
I hardly ever did, but it was nice to carry her card with me, and
know she was there to listen, day or night.
As to finding your center, I think all of us lost-baby Mamas eventually
realize that there is no going back . . . our "centers" as we knew them
disappeared "poof" the day our hearts shattered, our worlds fell apart.
I've heard it called our "new normal" - and you *will* find it, Mama.
It takes time, often lots of it, to regain balance.
Hugs to you and your boys. They are resilient, and so are you,
even if you don't feel like it right now.
Please take care.

Em


----------



## ArtsyHeartsy (Nov 11, 2008)

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I have similar bouts, although I don't want to hurt myself I am sooo angry at people around me, nobody can say anything right. I'm surprised dh still likes me, not to mention everyone else! I can be so mean/angry/sad/moody. I cry over things like spilling seeds....except mine is sorting laundry, or not finding what I want at the store, or being honked at on the road...anything can send me in a downward spiral when I am in this state of mind. I know that I am not the mom I ever want to be when I am like this.

After the m/c I had a hard time finding my footing and it was really causing issues in the way that I was parenting. I ended up on a low dose of Wellbutrin, which I know isn't for everyone. (I'm not suggesting it unless you think it is what will help) The thing for me is that I get into these funks and can't get out. I get a little boost and then I am fine and go off the meds, I don't like being on them for too long..or permanently.

I think that sometimes the strongest thing we can do is admit we can be vulnerable. To let someone/something help us, whether it's counseling or whatever. It seems like you are really down and why can't you be? You have endured something very difficult, a major loss, and you have every right to be upset, but when it comes to wanting to harm yourself, or others you could probably really benefit from finding help outside yourself. There is NO shame in it! For me it's the medication, and it pulls me out right away and the world looks totally different to me, kwim? In a funk, which is what I call it, I am viewing the world through a very sad/pessimistic lense, this was amplified after my second m/c.

I hope that you can find a way to get help in your own way ASAP, sometimes it seems it's just out of our hands. I'm really, really sorry you feel this way, although I don't know what you are going through, I can really relate. Please take care of yourself!


----------



## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Sweetheart...mama...be calm now. Just for a second, mama, because you are normal. This is normal.

Sometimes when we're in uncharted waters and nothing around us looks familiar, we begin to wonder - believe even - that we are in a different dimension, when really, we are just a proverbial block around the corner from our familiar home.

When we get home, like children lost on a dark and stormy night finding their way on a mist-shrouded dawn the following day, our homes will be different than we remembered them before. A little darker, a little damper. When we left, we forgot to close the windows and the rain came in and some of the paint is coming off the walls. When we feel better, we can repaint them again.

Everyone probably at some point in their lives does think about the finality of going to sleep and never waking up again. Following through with that is another matter entirely. Sometimes sadness is so enormous that we just don't know what to do with it, because we want to be a good mother; a good friend; a good partner as well - how can we do all these things at once?

Your heart is telling you to take time for yourself. YOU are the best device available to yourself to make the world, and the world of your husband and children a better place. You cannot play all these different roles right now. You have to tone it down a little and focus a little bit of energy inwardly. Your children are going to be sad - they lost their little brother, and sometimes, sad things happen in children's lives - believe me, I was a child like that once, and my other two were more recently those children. _You are not a bad mom_ because you are not happy right now - you're just not happy right now.

The only way that happy mommy is going to come out again is if you let yourself be sad and let your heart deal with the sadness immediately upon you. If you try to brush over it without dealing with it, you're soon going to feel overwhelmed. Sure, to some extent, we all have to fake it sometimes, but not all the time.

You're not cracking up. You're not going nuts. Your husband is helping you because he loves you. Someday, you will have to help him with a different version of this same grief. Sometimes, in men, that comes out as a series of anger patches equivalent to your sadness. You never know, your hubby might well know how to analyze and quantify his own feelings, and deal with them very appropriately, but only time will tell.

You're not useless. Spilling seeds on the ground and not being able to unblock the drain cannot be taken to determine your worth as a human being or a mommy. I couldn't run the dishwasher for two weeks after Josie died. I couldn't remember how to put clothes in the washer. I burnt _everything_ - even toast on a setting that seemed to work so well for other people. I was so distant for so long...it's all so normal.

I do remember with absolute clarity one night where the grief just overwhelmed me. Harry had gone to sleep, but I could not: I sat on the chair that was meant to be my nursing chair with a blanket, punishing myself, with a big box of Kleenex and just lost it. Angry, afraid, feeling like a small child, I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. I cried and cried until there were tissues all around me: all over the floor...all over the blanket... I wanted my own mother... She wasn't there. I wanted to nurse my beautiful baby for whom I had waited so many years in that chair, but there I was, crying and missing my gorgeous warm little bundle of joy...my heart hurt so much I thought it would stop working and tear itself apart and I would die.

I am here though. I know other mamas on this board have had their own similar experiences. We are all here though.

You can do this. You will. It's so, so very hard. It's not something we ever really can be prepared for and so we're tossed out into this wilderness without a compass, naked and alone. But we can get out and we will - we all will - we love and support one another, and we will make it out of the other side.

*ENORMOUS hugs* mama. You're NOT alone. XXXXX


----------



## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

I wish I were there to give you a hug in person. Reading your post is like reading how I feel inside on most days now.
I've been there at the point of suicide and am familiar with that feeling. I started to feel that way last week, but then thought of my two boys here with us and the thought of not being here with them/them not having me here, overcame all else at that moment.
I don't know when it gets better. For me, it seems each day brings more pain, than less pain. I've sought out my mw and she's given me contacts for grief counseling. I called once, but couldn't get through and haven't tried again. It's a group thing, but I wonder if I'm better off with 1-1 counsel. It's something you might want to think about (outside of your dh). Only because he's personally connected. Or a couples one might be good. Our local hospice and one hospital has the support groups for parents going through this-check yours?
Don't beat yourself up over not being on track with everything. It takes time. I'm not yet back to any type of schedule we used to have.
Recently I read about there being month flowers or plants. I'm going to find out May and November's flowers and plant them. If they are annuals I'll do it yearly. It's something that I can grow and look at, and think of our son. It's an idea you might want to try?


----------



## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I you guys ever want to talk one on one with someone who's been in your shoes, please, PM me. I work freelance now so can pretty much reply on the dot. If there's anything I can do, let me know. The best thing in my experience that I can do with _my_ experience is use it to try to help others get through as well. XXX


----------



## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Everything is going to be off-kilter for a while... I'm there, too. I've just come to the place where I get that this is my "new normal." I hate it, and it sucks, but there it is. I can't deny what is.

I so want to be past this point. But I can't fast forward. And I can't rewind either. (I'd much rather have the rewind button than the ff one, frankly, if I had a choice...) I can only be present, moment to moment, as much as I can.

Walking beside you, with you, listening.







:


----------



## whitneymum (Dec 29, 2008)

oh mama







s
I can not speak from the place that you are. I have not walked that path.
But I could not read your words and not tell you from the bottom of my heart, that from another momma; all the love I have is sent in that silly emote of a hug. I wish there was something more.
No one should ever have to long for their baby. My tears for you are nothing in the ocean you've cried.
Thinking of you and all your boys especailly Simon, and sending all the prayers of peace I can utter today for your poor heart.

may some peace find you this day.


----------



## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

Mama, first of all - be gentle with yourself. It sounds as if you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be and do everything Perfectly. You can't. You wont. No one is supermom/partner all the time.
You have suffered a very life changing loss, it's not something you will get over in a matter of weeks. You will never get over it - but one day you will notice that you feel a little better and it will progress.
I think I pushed myself way to fast to just get back to normal after we lost Xavier. I mourned only 2 weeks or so and then felt like people might think that was enough. Now - here I am about 6mths out and Im now feeling like Im at square one again.
You gotta let yourself grieve.
Im so very sorry for your loss - and hope that you find some comfort - and advice in this forum helpful. You will make it!


----------



## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Have I told you all before that you are amazing....there is such love to be found in my sisters. Thank you. Hearing that I am normal..that my tears are normal...that my experience of my pain is normal...that I am not going crazy....all of it....compounded with the support and love and warmth...all I can say is WOW...thank you. thank you. thank you.

Sweet gentle husband came home. We walked in the wooded gully...so fragrent with yellow and purple flowers. I opened the binocular bag that I had placed a butterfly that seemed dead two days before. When I opened the bag...the butterfly opened it's wings. I lifted it out...placed it on a purple flower...and it flew away high into the pine trees. Must not have been as dead as I thought!!!!! As we walked and talked...and I cried...and he loved and supported...he pointed out a prominant rock in a field....it looked JUST like the torso of a pregnant woman lieing on her back....exactly. How have I never noticed it before?? I've passed that spot hundreds of times....saw the rock...but not what it WAS. We went over to the rock...lay our hands together on the fullness of the "belly"...and I could FEEL my Simon all around me. I could feel him. I could feel him. Tears streaming...I cried...and cried...and I told my mother in law in the air that I was so angry at her for "curseing" my fertility...for suggesting that the wonderful uterus that has been so bountiful and receptive to life be taken OUT. For suggesting that to have another baby was a problem....that he was a mistake not to make again. I cried to my husband that he needed to TELL her that we want another baby...that we want to be open to our rainbow baby...that we are open to LIFE. I feel DAMAGED...I am still bleeding literally after 6 weeks. I am bleeding just like I am sobbing. It has not stopped. This rip in my heart is manifesting in REAL blood. I feel like her words have ripped my soul. I understand that she has not LITERALLY done anything but TALK...but her words hurt me...they hurt so much now that Simon is gone..and my rage at the loss of my little one is swirling up and her words are being magnified....the let my tears fall on the earth...on the mother-rock.

I picked up glass shards that were broken all around the rock..my husband pointing out the blue and white lable of "Rolling Rock"--the country club his mother grew up at. He understood so clearly why that was significant...that her words have cut me...just like shards of glass.

My baby...my sweet little Simon...he did not get to be here with us. But he opened us up again to having more children. We were closed to that...that is why we had an IUD....but he opened us up again. We are clear together about what matters in life. We have our own clan...it starts with us. His mother can join us...or she can move on.

I am going to put Simon Alexanders ashes around the mother-rock. It is his rock. He showed us that today. I need to live...for my family...for him. He is not gone. not really. He's just.....beyond.

Ahhh....healing....it's like that pain you get in a bad cut....you know that the hurt means it is getting better. I will stay open to medication...I am going to be o.k. . .we will ALL be o.k.....right?????

Thank you my sisters for helping me....I will need reminders I am sure. But for right now...in this MOMENT...I can breath a little more steady.

I could really feel him. my sweet baby....he is there. he's near. I just need to listen...to be quiet....to let him be what he is. my angel.


----------



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

I am speechless that is so beautiful. Thank you lord.


----------



## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

I am so glad you had a wonderful, healing moment today. So Glad.
But just remember- as beautiful and wonderful as that moment was - there will still be sadness later - just dont panic when it returns. You will have your ups and downs.
I have noticed that just when I feel like Im never going to heal EVER, something amazing and beautiful happens.
I would love to see a picture of the rock next time you go out there. Of Simon's rock!
((hugs mama))


----------



## hippymomma69 (Feb 28, 2007)

Your post was so touching and heartfelt....I hope you can find some healing.

With my first loss, I wasn't able to let go until I attended a local winter solstice ritual where someone had built an altar to babies who were lost. I just sat and watched HOW MANY women came and placed a stone with their babe's name on the altar (this was a large local ritual with several hundred participants)....there were HUNDREDS of stones on the altar and I was awed both by the variety and number of women who had lost babes. There are SO MANY of us out there from all walks of life.

Then we did a visualization to "talk" with our babe and it was so amazing. I could see my little girl and see where she "was" and that she was happy and would always be kind of "around" to look over her siblings. It was amazing and freeing.

I guess what I'm saying is, can you do something to mark your son's passing - where you invite his spirit in so you can talk with him, get to know him a little, say all the things to him you need to say? Listen to what he has to say to you?

I just think this is a huge life event and should be marked with some reverence and healing for BOTH of you....

good luck mama
peace,
robyn


----------



## lucy_v (Jan 21, 2009)

Oh, Emerging_butterfly, I'm so, so sorry. It hurts so much.










I just wanted to hug you all because I can't add anything that hasn't been said here already.. You are all so eloquent in addition to being so amazingly strong and supportive and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your stories and feelings and perspectives..... lots of love & peace to all. xoxo


----------



## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I also wanted to add that the things that people say and do to us when we are in the middle of our ocean of grief can imprint on our souls more than we know. Don't expect healing and forgiveness to come to you regarding your MIL for a long time...if ever. Loss shows us who we are in many, many ways and it also shows us who the people around us are. It's like a big giant magnifying glass.

And, yes, I think things DO get different. Your loss becomes part of the landscape of your soul. It fundamentally changes who you are, but that doesn't always have to be negative. These are our worst days, but they can also be our most clarifying. We find we are not wandering alone in the dark, but with kindred spirits. If you reach out your hand, you can feel the rest of us here with you. I said many times, when everything was fresh, that I felt like broken glass that was being glued back together again. I'm not the same anymore, but the cracks make up who I am now, and who I am is beautiful. Who you are is beautiful too, mama.


----------



## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am just so sorry for all you are going through. I have been on this journey for over nine years now and there are still so many days that I feel exactly the same way. I don't really think things ever get easier. The grief and pain become not as foreign to you as they are now but it will always hurt and you will always miss and love your little Simon. It is completely normal to be feeling as you are. I wish you gentler days ahead. Feel free to pm me if you ever need or want to talk.


----------



## 3boobykins (Nov 21, 2001)

Such beautiful, loving words in this thread.


----------



## Cari Norris (May 27, 2009)

I'm so glad you felt Simon with you and around you at the experience at his rock--I miscarried at 14 weeks about 4 weeks ago and I have been very aware that my baby is with me, just "beyond". This doesn't take away my sadness and deep deep grief, but when I get still, it has amazed my just how close he is to me--a breath away. I really deeply believe this--it's almost beyond belief, it's more a knowing. And this has brought me comfort.
What has helped me is trying to give myself the space to have all my feelings and not be in a hurry to make it all better. I try to arrange some structure into my day, but I also don't push myself too hard. Grief is hard work--give yourself some grace and gentleness if you can. You deserve it. And ask for help, it's okay. I think we're meant to help each other out on this journey.

Much much love to you and continued healing,
Cari
P.S. I named my baby Jule.







:


----------



## Cari Norris (May 27, 2009)

I'm so glad you felt Simon with you and around you at the experience at his rock--I miscarried at 14 weeks about 4 weeks ago and I have been very aware that my baby is with me, just "beyond". This doesn't take away my sadness and deep deep grief, but when I get still, it has amazed my just how close he is to me--a breath away. I really deeply believe this--it's almost beyond belief, it's more a knowing. And this has brought me comfort.
What has helped me is trying to give myself the space to have all my feelings and not be in a hurry to make it all better. I try to arrange some structure into my day, but I also don't push myself too hard. Grief is hard work--give yourself some grace and gentleness if you can. You deserve it. And ask for help, it's okay. I think we're meant to help each other out on this journey.

Much much love to you and continued healing,
Cari
P.S. I named my baby Jule.







:


----------



## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I just read this last night. Big ((HUGS)) It is still so early in your loss. I agree with everyone else, all that you are feeling is normal. I counted it an accomplishment if I got out of bed (and I had two other kids to take care of). Try not to place any pressure on yourself. Another friend of mine didn't return to homeschooling for a year afterward...it is hard. We have to learn to live our "new normal" and that takes awhile. After 18 months I can say that I've learned to live with the loss of my Norah. Not that I'm happy about that but I can function everyday and remember things past 5 minutes. (((HUGS)))
It will get better.


----------



## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I wanted to write as soon as I could...You all HAVE to hear this!!!!!!

After I wrote my last post, about the pregnant mother rock, and the healing ritual I felt with my husband at it...I started a bath and sat on the toilet...all of a sudden I felt a dull ache in my abdomen, and felt in impulse to reach into my vagina where I felt....something. I pulled it out, and stared at it. It was round, about the size of a tennis ball...and smelled like rotton flesh. Then I started bleeding...as if a faucet was turned on and couldn't be turned off. I knew I was hemoraging, and that I had to get to the ER FAST!!!! My husband and I got into the car, and watched as two beach towels...the BIG ones-- soaked through with blood. When we got to the ER, there was no waiting...they got a team working with me right away, and I could feel gushes of blood comming out of me, and could hear the waterfall of blood flowing off the bed and flowing onto the floor. I lost conciousness and found myself with my Simon Alexander again...he was smileing at me and he took my hand and said "Mama!"...he said it with a tone that was amused...as if he was trying not to laugh at how dramatic I was. His eyes were sparkling and soooo full of love...and then, I was back, feeling the pressure of oxygen against my face, with tubeing all aorund me...blood being put into my body from a generous person who had donated it for just this reason. To save a life. I was wheeled in to have a D&C by a jolly looking doctor who resembled a beardless Santa Claus. "Please....please don't take my uterus out...I want to be able to have more babies..." His eyes twinkled..."You will keep your uterus dear...it will be o.k."

I woke up.....no pain. No pain in my uterus, for the doctor had treated me with such gentleness as he would have given his own daughter....no pain in my heart...because I felt Simon Alexander was right there. Not lost. Found







:. Our doctor explained to me that I had a seperate placenta that had gone un detected....hence, my six week bleeding..and finally...the hemmorage. No reason to suspect twins, rather, it seemed my body may have been compensating for a weakness in the first placenta...no way to know for sure why something so odd and unexpected had happened.

My husband entered the room...and I felt like I was me for the first time in six weeks....like I could smile at him---and mean it.

I don't know how...or for how long....but it seems that the healing ritual at the mother rock was more real than we ever could have known. ever. We will never be the same....Simon Alexander is our angel...he is here with us..and he is smiling. I long to hold him in my arms, but am glad to feel his love in my heart. I am glad to know that there IS magic in the world. That it can be found in the strangest of places...and that if we are open...life will be open with us.

I lost my baby.

I almost lost myself.

Picking up the peices will be on going work....but I feel wholeness inside again. A new kind of wholeness. A stronger me has emerged...I suspect will keep finding new parts to heal. I am amazed at all of you...your wisdom, gentle courage and strength. My sisters. How glad I am to have found you no matter how sorry I am to know this brand of pain.

I love you all...and am so glad to know that you will love me with such wonderful mothering if I fall again..and that I can love others in their deep grief in return. You are all sooooo wonderful.


----------



## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Well good. You're alright and everything will be physically just fine now! Fantastic that this has been resolved! *HUGE hugs* - sorry about the ER and emergency etc. I remember hemorrhaging and it was indeed rather dramatic. Funny though, when you're the one actually hemorrhaging, it just seems like a rather unfortunate mess to clean up - does that make sense to you? It's so weird. I am guessing they have you on iron pills now as well, for a bit? They did with me. At first, I had to take a couple of Colace each day, but then my body got used to it.

*HUGE hugs* sweetie. You've been through an awful lot. You're right though - you're healing, and I am SO happy you have no more physical pain. That is wonderful. XXXXX


----------



## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I'm sorry you hemorraged but so glad you got to see Simon. What a gift!! And you have answers to why you have been bleeded for so long. You will get through this and Simon is with you on the journey. (((HUGS)))


----------



## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Oh mama...
I am so familiar with this pain... The hopelessness, the ache, the fear of not being able to survive from one moment to the next.... Please, stay strong. I know it is the hardest thing in the world to do, and I feel like a bit of a hypocrite asking you to try to find strength, because my struggles at times definately make me wonder if I will ever be able to work through the pain of such a loss and find peace.
We are all here to draw strength from one another... Your words are beautiful and I know that Simon loves you and is proud to have you for his mama.


----------



## mermaidmama (Sep 17, 2008)

Thank you for sharing your this. I am so happy for you that you got to see your angel! And that you are safe despite the hemmoraging.


----------



## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
Well good. You're alright and everything will be physically just fine now! Fantastic that this has been resolved! *HUGE hugs* - sorry about the ER and emergency etc. I remember hemorrhaging and it was indeed rather dramatic. Funny though, when you're the one actually hemorrhaging, it just seems like a rather unfortunate mess to clean up - does that make sense to you? It's so weird. I am guessing they have you on iron pills now as well, for a bit? They did with me. At first, I had to take a couple of Colace each day, but then my body got used to it.

*HUGE hugs* sweetie. You've been through an awful lot. You're right though - you're healing, and I am SO happy you have no more physical pain. That is wonderful. XXXXX

Isn't that strange? I felt the same way when I began to bleed like a faucet turned on high after Xavier actually passed.


----------



## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Two placentas? How odd... and strangely beautiful... and scary. I'm so very glad you're okay, mama!







:


----------



## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

what an incredibly story of grief and path to healing. huge







mama


----------



## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I'm going to start a new thread...I realise this is too big to start anew here...


----------

