# She had her twins



## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

Yep... she did... 2 healthy 5lbs something babies. 2 1/2 hours of labour and she got them. both of them. alive. 3 weeks early. alive. a boy and a girl.

I hate her so much, it's so not fair! I was due one week before her with my 2 babies. She told me she was expecting twins in a crowded room FULL of pregnant mamas and new babies, I lost it. I was hoping to never see her again, let alone hear about her wonderful BABIES!!

A friend of mine so casually told me today that "her friend" had her twins yesterday, well of course I know who she means. She doesn't really know my story so I can't blame her, and I just replied with, "oh wow, so exciting".. but I was really thinking, "F that, why does she get both her babies and I don't". I know it's not productive to think like this, but the thoughts just flow in my head, I can't stop it.

I want to be happy for her, I do. But at the same time, I never want to see her ever again!! I don't want to talk about her or to her, I don't want to think about her, I wish she would just disappear from my life.


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

I'm so sorry Mama. I admit I still have the same feelings about the baby who was born when my 1st should have been and it's been almost 10 years now.

It does get easier to deal but never really goes away....and you'd think those around you could think before they speak at least.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)




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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Oh mama, I am so sory


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## wake_up (Aug 1, 2007)




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## finnegansmom (Jul 15, 2007)

I'm so sorry mama. I lost a baby 7 years ago that would have been born in April. I was only 6 weeks but still, it sucked. I still think about, and a friend of mine who is due in April this year and told me after I told her we are losing another baby this week at 12 weeks, that she has no problem getting pregnant..."My husband just looks at me and I'm pregnant". Umm thanks. Just what I needed to hear.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm sorry she got her twins and you didn't get yours. It's not fair.







I feel the same way about pretty much all the babies who've been born to friends since Lachlan died.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

It's always really hard for me to hear about twins too....twins that get to BE when mine didn't. ((HUG)) I'm glad for the mama....sad for me. Sad for my family...and for all the families that wear the same shoes I have on. It's just so hard. I miss my Simon and Alexander. It's not fair that they are gone. It's not fair.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)




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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *finnegansmom* 
My husband just looks at me and I'm pregnant". Umm thanks. Just what I needed to hear.


Um, woah...did she really say that?!

I'm sorry Andrea. It is so hard. I too am sad when I see a child that would have been about Joslyns age. Or even on MDC when it says DD or DS 10/08 (Joslyns due date) or even 06/08 (when we lost her). I get angry thinking while I was losing my baby, some one was taking theirs home around that time.







s mama


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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)




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## tinynyota (Apr 13, 2009)

I hear ya, Andi.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

Andi, I've shared this in other threads, but my DH's best friend from college who lives ~3 hours from us (so not close enough to see all the time, but not super far, either) had a baby 2 days after our son was stillborn. His wife and I were pregnant at the same time and the last time I saw her was when we were both ~34 wks pregnant at their baby shower. I, currently, have zero desire to ever meet their daughter. It's just too painful. Whether I want her to or not, she will forever be a reminder of what I lost and a reminder of what age and stage my son would have been at had he lived. Just seeing pictures of her brings up all sorts of painful feelings-- Why did their baby get to live and come home with them, when mine died? Why did she get to go through labor and delivery and have a happy ending, while I walked away traumatized, empty-armed, and heartbroken? Why did they get to spend the last year learning how to be parents, while my husband and I spent it mourning our son?

It's not fair to any of us, really. They had no control over what happened to us and yet it may end the friendship, or at least make it much more distant and uncomfortable than my DH and his best friend would like.








Anyway, this is all to say, that I think I get your feelings about the woman who just had her twins. I wish I had answers. I don't even expect myself to be happy for them, I just hope I can get to the point that I can be in the same room with them and their child and not feel like my heart is imploding. I'm not there, yet. Be gentle to yourself and know your feelings are totally normal. And I'm sorry.


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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

Thank you everyone so much... I can always count on you ladies for support.

I told my DH on Friday, "Okay, so G had her babies, and I just want to tell you that I'm jealous and I don't want to talk about it with anyone at all". The only reason I told him was because we were going to the ski hill and would be visiting friends who no doubt would share the news anyways. I simply told him that if him and his friends want to talk about the twins, don't do it with me in the room.

Only one friend brought it up... I acted a little less then excited so I'm pretty sure he got the point. Really though, we were in my cabin, we don't need to talk about other peoples happy lives and healthy twins.

Thanks again.


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry Mama.







s


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## mumof4 (Aug 12, 2004)

I feel your pain. My husbands brothers girlfriend and I were pregnant together, we cannot stand each other because of past issues but nonetheless she was pregnant with twins due within days of our baby, I lost my son at 19 weeks. That was painful in itself but it was even more brutally painful when my mil asked me if seeing as we woudlnt need our baby gear they could borrow our carseat and swing ect so they could have 2!!!!! I was devastated and sick to my stomack to think that she would even suggest it Said no they got their babies what more could they ask. Anyhow their babies were born healthy and all and his family was sooooo excited I heard all about them, the day they were born i was at my inlaws and they already had pics of the babies on their fridge, I left in tears, i broke down sooo bad it was terrible, i guess i just lost it. i pulled my van into a vacant parkinglot and couldnt believe how inconsiderate they were and how they couldnt just shut up about how proud they were for her to have vaginal delivery of twins how they already had opened their eyes ect, I was pissed to say the least. Then came our family dinner for thanksgiving and omg i refused to go cause the babies were going and i was not up to seeing them they just didnt understand me why i woudlnt go. You must understand these are 2 irresponsible parents and i cannot stand them at all. now i feel total resentment towards them yet i have to see them occasionally, it drives me crazy, i hope one day I will get over this, I can actually feel my bp rising just rethinking this.
SO I understand your hurt trust me I do. I hope one day it will be ok and that i will move on and get past this, hopefully that is the same for all you other moma's who feel this way too!


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## Thalia (Apr 9, 2003)

It is totally understandable to feel the way that you do. It is so, so hard.

You might always feel this way, or things might change.

I lost a baby in '06 that would have been born on Jan 2, '07. Then I had my daughter, and then this summer I lost a baby that would have been born about two weeks ago.

I had a friend who had a daughter on Jan 2, '07, and my sister had her second child about three weeks ago.

So there is a 3 three year old out there walking around that I see just about every week at church who is the age of my first lost baby, and my sister's babe is the same age as my second lost baby.

What's changed for me is that now I actually feel happy when I see these little ones. Because I feel like I have some connection to my lost babies. I have an idea of what they would be doing if they were here. While that is painful, for some reason, it is also healing for me. I feel close to them.

This is just my experience. You have every right to grieve for as long as you need to, in whatever way you need to. I just wanted to share that for me things eventually did change and become less painful.


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## PrettyHippie (Oct 8, 2009)

Oh man...I'm sorry sweetie. I've been there...The baby I lost in 2007 was going to be born right before my cousin had her little boy. It was very hard for a long time. Now, she's pregnant again and I just lost Ivy on Dec. 29. Another ouch. Big hugs to you...


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

*


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## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Ecstaticmama - I'm very sorry. I know exactly how you feel. My son's due date was on October 28th and DH's cousin had her baby on the 29th. I seriously have no interest whatsoever in meeting that baby. I don't even want to be around babies right now and thinking about how other people get their easy and happy ending just makes me cry instantly.

Mumof4 - my SIL did this to me and it devastated me. She had her baby 2 weeks b/f I lost my son at 23 weeks. 1 month after our loss she called and asked to borrow a bunch of baby items. I LOST it. It took me 3 months to even want to be in the same room as her and her baby. I do it now for my DH's sake but it is still torturous every time. She wants to pick up and move on and has no clue how hard it is for me every single time I see her child or think about her insensitivity. Her DH is incompetent as a human being let alone as a parent and that just makes me want to punch him.

Life is so unfair.


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## RaelynsMama (Oct 26, 2008)

I'm so sorry Mamas for all of your losses and all of your pain. I wish you all healing and strength. I have a similar story I'd like to share. My first loss was in July 2009. Immediately after I found out I was pregnant, I found out that my sister was pregnant, and about 6 weeks ahead of me. This was special and significant because we were pregnant together with my DD and her DS, who were both born healthy 2 months apart. I also found out that our close family friend who I see quite often at family get togethers was pregnant and due pretty much the same exact time I was. Long story short: I lost my little one around 9.5 weeks completely unexpectedly and with no reason. My sister already had 2 biological and 2 step children and a farm full of animals that more than took up her time and financial resources. They hadn't planned on having anymore. The father isn't around much, works alot, and they fight often. Our family friend already had 2 children and every other day was on the verge of seperation with her the father of the one she was carrying. Needless to say, seeing them pregnant was brutal, painful and even excruciating. My mother, who lost one at 7 months, gave me the best advice that anyone could've.
"Their babies are different than your baby. Your baby is special to you in the way that their babies are special to them. It's not healthy for you to live your life tormented by their little ones. I understand your pain, and how you feel, but you have to always remember, your baby and their babies are seperate, and completely different. "
It hurt, a lot at first, to think about that. But, as I watched these women grow, and even had to co-plan their baby showers (so hard!), I had to breathe and find my peace. At my sister's baby shower, standing among these 2 heavily pregnant women, they began a conversation about baby loss and how difficult it must be, and how they couldn't imagine it. The family friend got into extreme detail about a friend of hers who had lost one and it had been very messy, and my sister proceeded to talk about our mother's loss. I was quiet, and had to excuse myself. How could they, so already so pregnant, discuss loss in front of me, so obviously not pregnant and grieving for the little one I'd never hold? I kept it together there, but had one of the several mini breakdowns I experienced in my year of grieving.

When my sister's baby was born, I can honestly say, I felt happy for her. She had a beautiful healthy daughter and I felt blessed to be apart of her life. It was hard at first, but I love my neice more than anything, and I've loved watching her grow. It was much, much harder when our friend birthed her baby. A boy. My baby had been a boy. Born on at about the exact same time that mine would've been... 2 months apart from my sister's child, as my little one would've been. I put on a strong face, visited them. Watched her struggle to nurse, and lament in my soul about how I would've nursed. It was hard to see him for a long time. But I did it. I didn't have a lot of choice, and as time went on, the love grew. Her little man is handsome, and growing like crazy. When I see him, more so than my niece, I am reminded of my Michael, but it's in a good way. I feel honored that even though I can't hold my little one in my arms, and he now lives on in my heart... I can watch him grow vicariously through this little man. It took some time to get there, and the road wasn't easy, but I'm glad now that I have these reminders. It helps keep my little one alive. And although I don't always agree with how they parent their same-age babies, I have to respect that these ARE different babies. I would've had the right to parent mine as I chose, and they have the right to parent theirs as they choose. That's not always an easy thing either, but it's healthier to view it that way than for me to suffer over every choice I would've made differently.

On to today. I have just lost my pregnancy again, for no reason. There is a girl in our playgroup who I see weekly who would be 10 weeks ahead of me. Showing, feeling the baby move, already has two, makes parenting decisions I'm not always totally comfortable with... but it's her baby. I have not faced her yet, but I will next week. I know that's an important part of my healing. I don't know if she knows yet, but either way as she has strange socializing skills (to say the least) I'm nearly positive she will want to discuss this in full detail. I will kindly tell her that my pregnancy wasn't meant to be, it's sad, but I'm finding the positives in it, and that's as much as I care to discuss it. I will watch her grow, and birth a very likely healthy baby. I will watch this little one grow in our playgroup, knowing that could've been mine. There is another woman who occasionally comes to play group who was exactly as far along as I was. I haven't seen her for awhile so I don't know how her pregnancy is doing, but if it progresses, that will be another same age baby. There is a woman so I see relatively frequently in a work setting who had a due date literally right on top of mine. I'll be watching her grow, and watching her little one grow as well. So - my point is... for me, I had to make my healing with this. I couldn't live my life tormented by the what could have beens... I had to make the conscious decision to view my babies and the babies of others as seperate but equally loved by their parents and the universe. I didn't always view it as fair, and it was often painful, and I may certainly have those painful and unfair moments in the future as my healing progresses and their pregnancies progress...

I hope I didn't offend anyone. We all have to heal in our own time, but I wanted to share my journey with you to let you know that there is hope you may not always feel this way. There will always be same age babies. Babies born to mothers who did drugs and drank their whole pregnancies. Babies who were denied breastmilk and left to cry it out. We could've parented these babies so much better. We would've parented OUR babies so much better. But, our babies are seperate. They are much loved, beautiful and dearly missed, and there is no clear answer why their babies lived and ours did not. Answers don't always come.. in fact, they rarely do. The desperate search for answers is counterproductive to our healing. As we dig deeper, we find more unknowns and with that, more pain, and a need to dig deeper. It's a vicious cycle. Something that has been maybe the most healing for me, is knowing I don't need all of the answers. Maybe some day, I will receive some, but that day is probably not today.

Light and love to all of you. I wish you the peace and healing that so frequently eludes us all. Each and everyone of your babies is special, loved and remembered. I can say personally, that while I do not know you all personally, and did not get the chance to know your babies personally, I love them all, and I miss them. They are always remembered in my heart. You are all so strong, stronger than you even know, and I'm so grateful that if we have to be here, we are here together, and we can share in each others strength and we can talk about things like this freely because it is often in the talking that we process our emotions and find our peace.

Love and hugs to you all.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

It's hard and it's unfair.


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

Thanks to RaelynsMama for sharing your story. I am scared of feeling resentful and distanced from both my best friend and sister who are pg now and due the same time. I was pg 2 months ahead of them at my first loss. It really hurt to find out they were pg, especially that my bf and I were pg with our 1sts together (same due date and everything). Then I got pg again and it was a little better. At least I won't be that far behind - I though. I don't know why my mind is thinking about this comparatively - I recognize that it's not the healthiest way of thinking. Then of course, I lost that one too and why knows when I'll conceive again. Ugh Ugh ugh. I can't imagine seeing my sister at thanksgiving and seeing her with a belly.


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## RaelynsMama (Oct 26, 2008)

Wendy - I'm so sorry for your losses. They are so hard to deal with without the constant reminder of those close to us carrying babies. I feel your pain, as my last post described. I just wanted to let you know that peace is possible. It does take time, and it may be uncomfortable for awhile, but with time, love and patience from all parties, it can be a reality and not just a hopeful dream. I know it's hard to not think comparatively, that they were blessed enough to have healthy babies and we weren't, that we must somehow be inferior, less loved by the universe... it's not true. Again, we don't have all the answers, and that's okay. Love your sister and your friend, love your babies, and if you can, try to open your heart to the possibility of loving their babies as well. Your babies are special, and will always remembered. They will grow in your heart a little more every day. Peace and hugs to you.


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