# Introvertism and parenting



## WendyC (Jun 16, 2005)

I define an introvert as it was defined to me once and it made a lot of sense - an introvert is someone whose energy is drained by being around people, opposite of an extrovert who gets energized by being with people. My husband is an extrovert and pretty far over on the scale - I am an introvert and pretty far over on the introverted side. Being around people totally burns me out. Its created some challenges in our marriage but nothing that can't be negotiated.

This week has been non-stop seeing family, having houseguests, throwing parties - tonight SIL and BIL are coming for dinner, New Years we are going to 2 events. I can't take it. I don't know what to do. I am like a raw walking wound right now. I am so stressed out and depleted that I am a time bomb. I exploded last night - twice, and it did nothing to calm the pressure building underneath. It just made me feel MORE terrible. I don't want to yell and cry - I want to escape to a monastery somewhere and crawl into my own solitary confinement.....bliss.......... I have always had long periods of silent time in my life where I have gone weeks without speaking to anyone and these times always sustained me through the social blitzes'.

Now I am married, I have a 2 year old - I have a full social calendar, and a lovely life and the lack of solitude is slowly killing me inside.

It occurred to me that I will never have the opportunity for seclusion again. I will always have Ella and a new one there. How does an introvert balance the demands of parenting?

I have pockets of 'alone time' but there is always someone else in the house. Even just having that person there is a drain. I love my husband, but when he tells me that he is working from home I want to cry. His strong, strong frenetic energy just drains me - even from across the house. I seem to do ok with just Ella, when she is off somewhere engaged in something else - but those moments are too brief.

I need a vacation - a retreat away from everyone - but it goes against my attachment parenting beliefs so strongly. I can't even think of doing that until she is much much older, and until this new one coming is much much older.

So what is an introvert to do? How do I heal the wounds that being constantly surrounded by people and parenting inflict? Any other introverts out there? Anyone else struggle with the same thing?

My husband has no clue how to relate to me or how I feel. I feel like no one understands.


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## LauraLoo (Oct 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WendyC* 
I need a vacation - a retreat away from everyone - but it goes against my attachment parenting beliefs so strongly. I can't even think of doing that until she is much much older, and until this new one coming is much much older.

So what is an introvert to do? How do I heal the wounds that being constantly surrounded by people and parenting inflict? Any other introverts out there? Anyone else struggle with the same thing?

My husband has no clue how to relate to me or how I feel. I feel like no one understands.

I hear ya, sister! One of the things that my dh does to help me is every Sat. morning he takes the kids to the gym while he works out. Ds and dd love going into the care center there - it's a nice one. I get about 2 1/2 hours all to myself. It isn't a lot, but it is something that I can count on every week at about the same time. My dh finally gets that I absolutely HAVE to have this time or I'm a big, big grump. And you know the saying......when momma isn't happy, no one is happy.


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## bethy (Nov 10, 2005)

I don't have any answers at this point but I wanted to let you know you are not alone (heh!) I struggle in a similar manner though I'm slightly more toward the middle of the scale. I literally just came to the realization a few weeks ago that this is part of what makes parenting very hard on me.

Especially because my 5 year old is a strong extrovert. She just wants to talk with me all day long. I feel terrible for wishing that she spent more time in preschool. I am clinging to our plans for half-day kindergarten (versus full day) by my fingernails. I regret that I would be a terrible homeschooler due to this issue. Being an introvert seriously challenges my efforts toward AP parenting sometimes, even though I passionately relate to most AP philosophies.

{{{HUGS}}} In the end all your children need is unconditional love and for you to be the best parent you can be with what you've got. No one can really expect more from you than that. Take care of yourself so that you may intern be able to continue to take care of your wee ones.


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## lisalou (May 20, 2005)

If you had alone time, what would you do? Read a book? Cook? Clean? Sit and stare out of the window?

I find in getting other people who aren't introverted to understand it sort of helps to have a hobby or activity. I love cooking so dh will take dd away while I cook and recharge myself. Dh is an introvert as well so we are pretty good at taking turns anyway. I do have ILs who are extroverted so if I'm at their place and need to recharge I claim I need a nap. Sometimes I read sometimes I actually sleep.

There is nothing wrong or anti-AP about carving out an hour or two for yourself a week or even an hour a day. You need to recharge so you can be an AP parent. Nothing wrong with it. And being an AP mother doesn't mean you do it all on your own either. You're still an AP mother if your children's AP father takes over as well.

If your dh doesn't understand a good way of doing it can be both of you take a Myers-Briggs test. The person who did mine never understood why her husband would disappear when she'd bring 50 people home on the spur of the moment. Then when they took the test she found he was an introvert and read up on it. Now she tries harder to respect his space. I was trying not to faint at the idea of my spouse showing up with 50 people out of the blue.







:


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I'm pretty introverted. I'm pretty lucky that we don't have a full social calendar.
In terms of parenting, I've found it much easier to get time alone as dd has gotten older. If I ask dh will do stuff with dd. I treasure time when everyone in the house is asleep but me. Sometimes it is worth staying up late or getting up a bit earlier for that.

I don't think there would be anything wrong or not AP with getting some scheduled alone time every day or week. A babysitter or your dh should be able to do that for you regularly.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Do you get any time alone? Do you take half a day on weekends for yourself and leave the house? A couple of hours alone in a room by yourself after dh comes home?

Those are reasonable steps to take in your position. I also crave time alone, and my dh knows it. When I had a baby those are the kinds of things I did. I had regular, weekly scheduled time to myself. Knowing that those hours were on the calendar made all the difference to me.

I know you have AP ideals, but you have to take care of yourself. And it's attachment parenting - not mothering. Presumably your husband would be a loving, caring presence while you were away.

When my first ds was 2 I went away for a weekend, all by myself. It was so needed and so wonderful. It sounds like you need to do that.

But. More than anything, you need to talk to dh about this. If you haven't told him how you feel, you've cut off your main source of support.


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## hhurd (Oct 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bethy* 
I I literally just came to the realization a few weeks ago that this is part of what makes parenting very hard on me...Especially because my 5 year old is a strong extrovert. She just wants to talk with me all day long. I I regret that I would be a terrible homeschooler due to this issue. Being an introvert seriously challenges my efforts toward AP parenting sometimes, even though I passionately relate to most AP philosophies.

This really struck a cord with me. My 4.5yo ds is chatty, chatty, chatty. He'll try and talk with me from 6:30am to 8pm. Literally, without stopping. It is very hard on my introverted self, and parts of some days it seems like "torture" is not too strong a word. He's been pushing bedtimes later and later recently, and I've really lost my temper and yelled when 8:30pm rolls around and he keeps popping out of bed to talk with me some more. I don't like to yell and I'm not proud of it, but now I know what people mean when they say something in them "just snapped." Anyway, I don't want to highjack the thread, but to express my empathy.


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## WendyC (Jun 16, 2005)

Thanks for the great responses. I do talk to my husband about this kinda stuff all the time - but it falls on deaf ears. He believes very strongly that personalities are merely choices we make and not the result of biological wiring. His response was that I just need to get out more and choose to change how I relate to being with people. Which is a nice idea, but totally misses the point.







:

And he is good - he gives me a good break usually every Saturday morning, but the past few weeks I haven't gotten that break and now I am totally loosing it. Its a case of too much Christmas.

The realization that I will never (or not for a long time at least) have those weeks of solitude that I once had is so devastating and overwhelming.

I tried too, to relate how I feel to my very close knit AP playgroup - but they just look at me like I have two heads. They have booked their time so tightly and are with each other practically every day of the week. They talk of how wonderful it is to have a tribe and how its suppose to be this way with women caring for woman, and always having large groups of other women around you helping out. It sounds like a nightmare to me. I love them all dearly, but I can only do 2 days a week at the most. Where would I have fit in back in ancient times? If all my sisters and mothers and tribeswomen coming in and out of my hut all day long? Is this really how we evolved? If so - where the heck did I come from?

Anyway - yes. I do need a break. A weekend would be really nice. Ella is pretty high maintenance though and going through a strong separation anxiety phase, its not a good time to leave.

I need to do more early morning rises when everyone is asleep - that is very restorative to me as well.

And, also - I do love staring at blank walls. Unfortunately being married to a Gemini, whose whole value system is based around how hard you work, being a floaty dreamy type who would rather count clouds than get to work and be busy is very difficult. It makes him crazy to see me staring off into space with a stack of dirty dishes in the sink.

Thanks for letting me vent all this out. Its therapeutic. And thank you also for making me feel like I am not alone (irony?) in my introvertism.


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## WendyC (Jun 16, 2005)

It never occurred to me how difficult it could be later on when Ella (or the new one) becomes chatty - it would be very hard to listen all day long. How horrible that sounds. But, I have a feeling even more challenges are coming.


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## Al Dente (Jan 8, 2004)

Another introvert mama here. For me, it's very hard right now becuase I live in a household with 2 other families. They are moving out and getting their own places next month, but still...every night I am so drained from a whole day having to be "on" for work, and long to come home, get in my pjs and read a book. Ds is the kind of little boy who will happily play right alongside me, long attention span, etc so it is possible for me to have moments of reflection even when he's awake.









As far as the balance of me time, alone time, never being just me again: I think I am sorta trying to compartmentalize this time in my little boy's life as the time I don't get me time. I know I can get some-but not ever enough, not nearly enough. However, someday I know he will be gone and I'll be lucky to have a phone call or visit a couple times a week...and I will catch up on my reflecting and solitude then. At least that's what I tell myself!









eta: I hear you on the chattyness. Ds is extremely verbal and talks all day long, wakes up several times a night to talk, even has talking nightmares. LOL! I've learned to tune it out.


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## Fieryfly (Mar 19, 2003)

I'm an introvert too, and over the years I've found how to balance the social aspects of family life. However, there are still times when my "social cup" is empty, and I am literally drained. Now I know the signs to look for in myself and try to scale things back a bit. I'm also working on coping skills that I can lean on when I *have* to be social w/o being withdrawn from people.

I am a better friend, to my adult friends, as well as my DH and kids, when I am able to get my "alone time" to recharge. I try not to give into the pressure of attending every group activity, going out with friends every weekend, or accepting every playdate invitation. I know I'll miss out on some things, but I'd rather have "quality time" where I'm enjoying myself over the quanitity of time when I'm dying to go home.

My DH is an introvert too, so we both understand when we just need some time by ourself. Its okay for only one of us to attend a family dinner, or opt to stay in for our date night. We both have volunteer duties in our community, and even then we tag team to make sure one of us is there if they other isn't feeling up to it.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

I can't believe I am reading a post describing me so accurately.

I fall on the extreme side of Introvertism (sp?).

I get physically and emotionally drained after dealing with too many people at once. To me, 3 or more is too much. I am not a great hostess which is why I never extend invitations to my family or my in laws.

DH and DS. They are BOTH without a doubt Extroverts. They thrive on people. They both give off this energy that make people flock to them. When we are out in public...say the grocery store in the check out line, it's not unusual for them to strike up a conversation with the person in front of us or the person behind us.

DH talks loudly...as if he is *hoping* someone will chime in on *our* conversation. I have asked him many many times to please not talk so loudly..."please keep your voice down" and speak low...this is a private conversation OR don't say anything until we are out of the grocery store and into the quiet zone of our car.

******************

That's just one scenario-but it drives me nuts.

I can't help but wanting peace and quiet at all times. I need quiet time and I am get very impatient when DH and DS are BOTH talking to me at once. DS has developed this habit of jumping into my lap and yelling directly in my ear when he wants to be heard while DH is yapping about something or another.

Even though we are a family of 3...I still have to take 15 minutes to myself, go in my bedroom and shut the door to recharge.

All day, I get to hear "Mommy, Mommy, what's this Mommy? What are you doing Mommy?..." and it's neverending until he goes to bed (12:30am-1:00am)







: ...don't get me started on this.









I have always been an Introvert...becoming a Mom just makes it more...*pronounced* kwim?

I can achieve balance by having scheduled time for myself every Sunday.

I go to Barnes and Nobles and going to the Movies. I love reading and watching movies.

Due to the Holidays, I haven't been in over 2 weeks and it's draining me









I'm spending New Year's Day at Barnes and Nobles and the Movie Theatre.

I am so sorry to hijack your thread. But you are not alone.


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## lolalola (Aug 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bethy* 

I literally just came to the realization a few weeks ago that this is part of what makes parenting very hard on me.

Especially because my 5 year old is a strong extrovert. She just wants to talk with me all day long. I feel terrible for wishing that she spent more time in preschool. I am clinging to our plans for half-day kindergarten (versus full day) by my fingernails. I regret that I would be a terrible homeschooler due to this issue. Being an introvert seriously challenges my efforts toward AP parenting sometimes, even though I passionately relate to most AP philosophies.

This really resonates with me as well. I've found that as my dd has gotten older (she's 7), I face more challenges with respect to AP. Currently we are experiencing bedtime struggles, which, are really wearing me down.

I completley understand mama.


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## bethy (Nov 10, 2005)

This thread has been so comforting to me. It very often seems that the traits of being an introvert have a negative association in my circles. As if that means I don't like other people. I fear my friends and especially my children will feel that my need for alone time reflects negatively on them.

I think I'll go start an Introverted Mamas Tribe in FYT later on. That is if there isn't already one there!


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## LauraLoo (Oct 9, 2006)

Here's a website that maybe can help explain things to your dh:

http://www.theintrovertadvantage.com/

You'll have to poke around, but you can find lots of good things including an assessment of whether you are an introvert or an extrovert -- it might be good for your dh to take a look at it.

I am currently reading "The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child" because even though I am introverted, I realized that I'm not fully understanding my introverted ds....this book is great and after I'm done, I'll be reading the "Introvert Advantage" for myself!

By the way, it's not uncommon for extroverts to completely misunderstand introverts. And it's not uncommon for introverts to think something is wrong with them for needing the things that they do to stay centered and sane. But we do need these things and it's important to get them.


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WendyC* 
I define an introvert as it was defined to me once and it made a lot of sense - an introvert is someone whose energy is drained by being around people, opposite of an extrovert who gets energized by being with people. My husband is an extrovert and pretty far over on the scale - I am an introvert and pretty far over on the introverted side.

Well, golly. This was nice to see right now cause it is helping me realize why I am so grumpy right now. We had a whirlwind holiday with all these people over & I keep trying to get time to decompress myself & just can't and keep feeling myself getting angrier and angrier at anyone who happens to be around. Grr at dh for being around lately and always being so needy-talky-close to me, grr at my sister who just keeps coming over (to help, like I asked but I just need to be more alone before I can handle having to clean up the holiday crap!), and grr at the babe for not sleeping during the day long enough to let me relax a little more or do something by myself.

Just a suggestion, cause it's something that helps me esp. as the babe can't yet get out for long stretches without me just yet - but I'll take needed shopping trips farther out of my way for more alone time in the car which is pretty much by myself since the babe will sleep then. Might be an idea for times when your dh works at home?
More and more, I find myself up late, trying to use that time to get to be alone but it's sometimes worse leaving me all exhausted during the day, and ruining the babe 'semi-schedule' so she just ends up awake with me which is sortof against the point.
And it is such a struggle sometimes with a husband who does have this need to get social and be talked to so much and whatever. And with such an erraticly changing schedule that I just can't get any regular time.

Sigh. Nice to hear about others.


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## WendyC (Jun 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newmommy* 
I have always been an Introvert...becoming a Mom just makes it more...*pronounced* kwim?

Wow. That just really struck me as the core of my unhappiness right now. Its never been an issue that I was introverted - who cared? So what if before going to the party I would slip off and drive around by myself for a few hours. No one noticed. Now it matters - now its so pronounced, and unacceptable.

I used to use smoking as my way to escape overwhelming situations - it was perfectly acceptable to slip outside by myself to have a smoke. And the silence of those times sustained me during busy, hectic days. Now, obviously, I can't/won't smoke and I don't have that wonderful built in excuse to slip off alone for a few minutes.

God, I need a smoke break.

Sigh.

Great thread - thank you guys so much for relating your experiences. I looked at that site posted, and unfortunately with dh, I can talk until I am blue in the face and he just won't accept that temperament is hardwired. He thinks I can just decide to be different.


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## QueenOfThePride (May 26, 2005)

Quote:

He believes very strongly that personalities are merely choices we make and not the result of biological wiring. His response was that I just need to get out more and choose to change how I relate to being with people. Which is a nice idea, but totally misses the point.
I am totally in introvert too. The above statement is a commonly-held belief in America, unfortunately. That kind of attitude has been thrown in my face since childhood, and has done nothing but erode my self-esteem.







It's so awful growing up believing that there was something wrong with me. Other people just do not understand their little comments, like, "You should talk more," just cut to the core.


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

I am borderline extrovert on the myers briggs test, and I think it is true. I need both alone time and people time - a mix is best for me. Honestly, a big reason why I knew being a SAHM would be horrible decision for me/us was because of my personality type. I need my kids to be attached to more than just me.

I am hearing a lot of hints on this thread of "AP and introverted personalities don't mix" but I disagree. Being AP is about being responsive to your childs' needs - but you cannot give what you don't have. I think the philosophy of AP is to be attentive to the needs of each member of the family - not just the children, but the parents too. If you need time alone with no one around to recharge your batteries, then you NEED it, as much as you need food, water, sleep, etc.

DH is pretty introverted - he needs a much lower level of social interaction than I do - so I belong to more groups, clubs, etc. I intentionally take the boys to church on Sunday mornings to give him some alone space, or after the kids are in bed, we tend to drift to our corners (especially since we work together, we often just need to be quiet for awhile).

I also need to be doing something while alone, so I took up gardening- it is great because the boys want to be outside but they don't want to be doing gardening with me because when they do talk to me, I ask them to help .. a trick I learned from my mom - she told me years later that when she wanted alone time, when I would come and bug her, she'd task me with a chore.

I think it is all about coming up with compromises, if possible and respecting your own needs. Hugs!!


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## LauraLoo (Oct 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WendyC* 
. I looked at that site posted, and unfortunately with dh, I can talk until I am blue in the face and he just won't accept that temperament is hardwired. He thinks I can just decide to be different.

If you want to invest in the book "The Hidden Gifts of the Intoverted Child" by Marti Laney, Psy.D. that is posted on the site -- it has a couple of chapters (at least) on the brain physiology and shows that introverts and extroverts ARE hardwired. As a matter of fact, Chapter 2 is titled "Innies and Outies are Hardwired." It has a lot of diagrams and gives really good explanations on how innies and outies use different brain pathways to process the same information. It clearly shows that innies and outies ARE different and it's not a difference that is made by personal choice.

This book also has some very interesting information on the differences between left brain and right brain introverts - other differences between introverts.

I'm not sure if Laney's other book "The Introvert Advantage" has the same type of brain physiology type explanations because I haven't read it yet, but it might.


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## 4Marmalade (May 4, 2004)

I don't have much to add but I am glad to have come across this thread. I just came downstairs from lunch with a tired, fussing 1-1/2 year old, a very active 4 year old and a dh who was staring off into space the entire time but turning up his radio show so he could hear it. Meanwhile the noise level of everything else just went up with it. I asked dh to please turn the radio off and he did (although not happily). I can't get dh to understand how I start to really lose it if there's too much going on around me. I am just thankful that dd is now sleeping and dh has taken ds skating for a bit and it's quiet again. I should be able to make it through the afternoon until bedtime.

We do notice that our ds has a lot of introvert qualities and we've always done everything we can to help him explore those emotions but it seems like it has taken me a long time to realize how much he and I are alike and that I need to take that time for myself as well.


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## lolalola (Aug 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *siobhang* 
I am hearing a lot of hints on this thread of "AP and introverted personalities don't mix" but I disagree. *Being AP is about being responsive to your childs' needs - but you cannot give what you don't have*. I think the philosophy of AP is to be attentive to the needs of each member of the family - not just the children, but the parents too. If you need time alone with no one around to recharge your batteries, then you NEED it, as much as you need food, water, sleep, etc.

I think this is a very good point.

I didn't mean to imply that AP and introverted personalities don't mix, just that at times, my need for solitude is in conflict with my dd's need to have my full attention, making some AP ideals very challenging. This is a difficult concept to explain to a child.


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## Diane B (Mar 15, 2004)

Two introverts here, with a very extroverted daughter. We have to balance our needs with hers...that's what being a family is. She's in daycare three days a week and loves the interaction and activity. We give each other breaks, keep her on an early bedtime so we have some peace and quiet in the evening, and try not to overschedule our social time.

I do go stare at a blank wall periodically too - but it's called meditation, and so it's legitimate! My mother in law has come to help out for two or three days once in a while so I can go sit at a retreat. It's great to have ideals, but our children do not need us with them 24/7 when we are burned out and overwhelmed. They are better off, in my opinion, with someone who loves them and has some fresh energy and attention for them while mommy recharges.


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## bartleby (Oct 28, 2003)

Subbing to this thread...I'm an introvert, too (an INFJ on the Meyers-Briggs). I have had an awful, post-Christmas week after a busy (social) holiday, followed by four days at home alone with a clingy, poorly sleeping, teething 2-year-old. Reading this thread is making me see why I've been so depressed and hair-trigger snappish this week--I've had NO time to decompress from the whirlwind of social activity Christmas brought! Someone mentioned having a weekend away from their 2-year-old once; I'm in a nice little daydream cloud about that right now. Thanks for the fantasy!


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WendyC* 
Thanks for the great responses. I do talk to my husband about this kinda stuff all the time - but it falls on deaf ears. He believes very strongly that personalities are merely choices we make and not the result of biological wiring. His response was that I just need to get out more and choose to change how I relate to being with people. Which is a nice idea, but totally misses the point.







:

great









I agree that there are coping strategies that might work with various situations but I totally disagree that our personalities are a matter of choice.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WendyC* 
The realization that I will never (or not for a long time at least) have those weeks of solitude that I once had is so devastating and overwhelming.

Oh, I can relate.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WendyC* 
I tried too, to relate how I feel to my very close knit AP playgroup - but they just look at me like I have two heads. They have booked their time so tightly and are with each other practically every day of the week. They talk of how wonderful it is to have a tribe and how its suppose to be this way with women caring for woman, and always having large groups of other women around you helping out. It sounds like a nightmare to me. I love them all dearly, but I can only do 2 days a week at the most. Where would I have fit in back in ancient times? If all my sisters and mothers and tribeswomen coming in and out of my hut all day long? Is this really how we evolved? If so - where the heck did I come from?

heh there must have been some introverts even in ancient times.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WendyC* 
And, also - I do love staring at blank walls. Unfortunately being married to a Gemini, whose whole value system is based around how hard you work, being a floaty dreamy type who would rather count clouds than get to work and be busy is very difficult. It makes him crazy to see me staring off into space with a stack of dirty dishes in the sink.

That must be so hard. My mother is a lot like your dh. Luckily I don't have to live with her. It's hard enough as it is.


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## Brigianna (Mar 13, 2006)

I am extremely introverted (autistic, actually), and the constant demands of parenting can certainly be stressful. Although I think we may suffer from parenting less than our more extroverted counterparts who constantly complain about "never getting out."

I think parenting a fellow introvert is much easier than parenting an extrovert. Dd1 is a child after my own heart--she can sit in a corner or in her room with her toys and books and entertain herself for hours on end. The boys, on the other hand, are social animals. Constantly talking, climbing, bouncing, more talking, demanding constant attention. I can see future careers for them in politics, or sales, or seduction of rich women. And they keep going and going and going... I get worn out! Fortunately, they take naps. Beautiful, blissful naps. I also adamantly refuse to participate in the hypersocialization that seems to be requisite for proper bourgeois parenting these days--constant playgroups, classes, SAT prep for toddlers, datebooks for preschoolers... Our kids will be fine without it. Really.









I'm sure introverts had a place in ancient societies. Someone had to stay on the hill and watch the goats, right?


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## mamasaurus (Jun 20, 2004)

Hi Wendy,

I noticed that your daughter and my daughter are almost the same age - mine was born on 2/13/05. I also have a 4yo, so I'm ahead of you. I can tell you that it is going to get more challenging, for sure.

I'm somewhat introverted myself - I really need time alone during the day, too, to recharge. So I can relate.

If you can hang in there through New Years, make a plan for the new year. I know you are trying to be AP, but you need time to yourself and there is nothing wrong with that, and it's not going to make you less of an AP mother.

It seems that getting your DH to understand/help more might not be a real option. So...

Start thinking NOW about how you are going to get that time to yourself, work on it now, so that you will be prepared when the baby comes.

For example, does your DD have a regular naptime and bedtime each day? I know that some Moms just kind of "go with the flow" on this - but speaking as an introverted Mom, it does WONDERS for my sanity to know that at about a certain time each day, my girls will be napping/sleeping or having Quiet Time.

About Quiet Time - I would start that ASAP with your DD. This has helped me a lot. I didn't do this for a long time with my 4yo, but just recently, like in the past 2 months, I've started a very specific time of day (during my DD#2's nap) when DD#1 has to have Quiet Time. Actually, we call it "Family Quiet Time" and I really emphasize that *everyone* in the family needs some time alone, Mommy too. I think what happens prior to Quiet Time and after Quiet Time is important, too, because it sets it into a routine for the day. For example, at our house DD#2 goes down for a nap about 2pm. Then DD#1 and I play together for a while until 2:30pm. Then it's Family Quiet Time until 3:30pm, when we get back together for "Snack Time". DD#2 wakes up about 4pm.

About bedtime - I used to be all over the map on bedtime. My DD#1 also slept with me until she was one year's old, and I just about was going insane because she nursed all night long. I had to get her into her own bed and room at the age of one. I don't know what you are doing for co-sleeping, but as an introvert, I have to say - it can be really hard to co-sleep when you need your space and rest.

With my DD#2, I had her in a co-sleeper next to my bed until she was 3-4 months, and then I transitioned her to her own room and bed - very gently, of course. But I did do it. It was another part of me being able to recharge - sleeping on my own in my own bed - I don't know how you feel about all this, and I'm really not trying to talk you out of co-sleeping. I'm just sharing my experience.











Any-hoo - We have developed a very consistent bedtime routine with our girls and so we know that pretty much (unless something is really off), they will be in bed and asleep by 7:30-7:45pm. This has been really important to me - to have a couple hours on my own at the end of the day.

I also get up early in the morning, to have a little time. Even 30 minutes to get a shower and have a cup of tea and read the news makes a huge amount of difference in how the day goes.

What about some help other than your DH? You mentioned family - do they live close by? Can you barter some babysitting with that group of AP Moms you mentioned? Or would they just not go for it? Maybe find some other Moms who are not quite so by-the-book AP? It's ok to be a little mixed on the subject, you know!







I love my girls and have co-slept with them, nursed until almost 2yo, spent lots of time with them, but I'll tell you I have no problem having someone care for them while I run errands!

Just trying to stay sane...







:

Oh, I wanted to add - about going away for a weekend... that may seem like a long time, but how about something small to start with? How about a morning or afternoon for 4 hours? Do that a couple times, then try being gone for a longer time - like an afternoon and evening for about 6 hours - leave the house about 3pm and come back after your DD is asleep. See how it goes. Do that a couple times. Then maybe try an overnight away - find somewhere to go close by for one night - leave about 3pm again, and come back in the morning before noon. Do that a couple times. Get the idea? This is assuming that your DH can handle DD on his own, but come on... he's the Dad, he needs to be a parent, too, KWIM? I think there is too much emphasis on MOM being the "AP parent" and not Dad, too!


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

My dd is an introvert but is still chatty as anything at home. It can be challenging because I homeschool her too. I feel okay telling her I need some quiet time or privacy now that she is getting older. She can handle it. I think it is important for me to show her that as an introvert our needs are real and valid.
There have also been times now that she is older that she tells me to go away and leave her alone/give her privacy.









I don't think AP and introvertedness can't go together. I think the qualities of an introvert can actually make for great AP parenting.
*focus and concentration
*ability to stand alone- not caving to peer pressure of other parents and society
*viewing your child as an individual- paying attention to their individual needs
*original thinking and imagination
*depth and integrity

advice on coping with the holidays-
http://www.theintrovertzcoach.com/ho...nterverts.html
http://www.theintrovertzcoach.com/holidays.htm


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## Galatea (Jun 28, 2004)

I used to get panicky when friends were home for the holidays and dh would invite all of them over every night for a week. By the 3rd night, I would cry and go to bed early. Now our interests aren't the same as their interests so they don't come over as often, and they know that I will just kick them out when I've had enough. They know it is not that I don't like them, but that I just get tired.

To deal with dh's family, who is one of those close-knit, chatty families, I seek out the other people who married into the family and have one-on-one conversations. The other people who married in aren't as into gossiping and so it works out okay. I also bring my own car so I can leave when I want. I know dh's family thinks I am sort of weird, but I don't really care. And we also didn't accept every invitation, so know they don't invite as much, which is nice.

I, too, miss smoking. Guaranteed time alone.

For time alone at home, dh and I demand baths. Lock the bathroom door and read. Put the fan on so you can't hear what the kids are doing.

As for getting dh to understand, he can directly see how bitchy and snappish I get when I have too much noise or people, so he has learned to take the kids away from me at those times.

Finally, the most helpful thing for me is to get something outside the house. I am a full-time student, and I like having long breaks between classes. So much alone time. When I was a SAHM, I was miserable. I would hide with a book, hoping the kids wouldn't find me!

Hugs to you - I feel your pain.


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## WendyC (Jun 16, 2005)

Wonderful, wonderful advice. Thank you so much!

Under normal situations, dh takes Ella for 1/2 the day Saturday, so I usually get a nice long break once a week - but he has been training for the marathon and Saturdays are spent running long distance and then recovering at home bruised and exhausted, so I haven't had a break in a while. Then came Christmas, and now I am just a mess.

I did get a break yesterday - so that was nice. I feel better. But its not enough. lol.

I love hearing your stories, its so comforting to hear how others cope.


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## LauraLoo (Oct 9, 2006)

One of my introverted mamma friends became a long distance runner in order to get some alone time away from her 3 children. She loved getting up early in the morning and running and running and running -- she said that her mind would just go blank and it was such peaceful bliss. She ran her first marathon this past summer and will soon start training for her next marathon. Interestingly, her dh felt that this was "acceptable" alone time as opposed to staring at walls (which I do as well!)

My ds has shown strong introverted tendencies since he could walk. When he had enough stimulation, he'd toddle off to his bedroom and play quietly there. By the time he was 2 1/2, he'd ask for time alone. Interestingly, now that he's 5.5, I have to encourage him to go to his room to re-charge when it's obvious that he needs it. He did it so naturally when he was younger. I hope he "learns" again that he needs this.

My biggest struggle is parenting both my introverted ds and my highly extroverted dd. If I even start something nice and quiet with my ds at his request, my dd has to be right in the center of it. Then my ds backs off and goes his own way. In the meantime, if I even try to persuade my dd to do something else while I work quietly with ds, she feels excluded and starts to cry. If she'd just happily follow suit, there wouldn't be any issues, but she can't do much quietly right now and both of them have such different interests! I haven't been able to figure out how to make everyone happy - including me!


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## swissgirl (May 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *QueenOfThePride* 
I am totally in introvert too. The above statement is a commonly-held belief in America, unfortunately. That kind of attitude has been thrown in my face since childhood, and has done nothing but erode my self-esteem.







It's so awful growing up believing that there was something wrong with me. Other people just do not understand their little comments, like, "You should talk more," just cut to the core.

Or the all-too common " Why are you so quiet?" remark. Can I just once say "Why are you so loud"?
I, too, am very introverted and married to a charismatic, always on-the-go extravert. Today, I am trying to recover from a banquet last night at which DH was installed an an elected officer for a non-profit foundation. Lots of shaking hands, making small talk and schmoozing. After a couple of hours, I was exhausted and ready to hide in the ladies room for an hour or two.

As far as my 3.5 year old daughter, she seems to be between the two extremes. I do wonder about my capaibilities as she gets older and will be involved in many more outside-the-home social and academic activities. I will need to interact with others a lot more, probably after full days of work when I just want to go home and relax. Does it get harder as the kids get older and want to/need to do more out of the house?


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## CB73 (Apr 16, 2005)

Excellent thread.









WendyC - with your DH training, could you get a jogger stroller so he takes DD with him for at least some of the runs?

You are not alone in longing for downtime. Me too.


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## marieangela (Apr 15, 2003)

I just ran into this thread. I'm suprised I missed it before. Luckily? I don't have many friends in my area and don't get to involved in ds1's preschool, so don't have many social obligations. My boys have nonstop energy and ds1 will just keep talking and moving and needing me to be involved with him all the time. I work a whopping 10 hours a week (two five hour days) and it is nice to just veg in front of a computer and not talk to anyone. I do miss having that one close friend that I had when I was younger (she lives on the other side of the country) and I do long to get out and be around adults every once in a while. I actually went out two nights in a row over the weekend, which is pretty much unheardof for me. Of course, now I'm feeling burnt out. I never did smoke, but drinking a couple of glasses of wine tends to make social situations easier for me. That's not often possible for me, though.
My dh is some wierd combination of introvert and extrovert. He does not understand my introvertedness, though. He works a lot and talks to/interacts with tons of people at work. On his day off, he tends to want to go fishing and just stand in a stream by himself. Which reminds me of other people needing something specific to do with alone time. Right now my main thing is to read while I nurse ds2 to sleep. I would love to get back into yoga, but can't seem to get motivated to do it alone at home. Also can't figure out what to do with the boys if I go to a class. Dh works most of the time and my parents see a whole lot of my boys, so I feel bad trying to get them to watch them any extra time.


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## Abarat (Jan 22, 2007)

An introverted parent here too and am actually hoping it doesn't hurt my son. I'm a SAHM in a town where I know no one and have none of my own family, so I get all the isolation I want, but even we introverts need some sort of interaction sometimes and it gets tough....and I hope when my 13 month old is old enough to want playtime he can get it.
But I agree with a lot of the moms, you need to schedule or set aside some "you time". We introverts all need it, especially if your dh doesn't really understand, you need to take it on yourself to carve out some time.


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

I am also an introvert and I find the constant being around people draining as well. I take the pockets of alone time as much as I can. There just isnt more I can do at this point when my kids are so little.


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## mamarhu (Sep 12, 2004)

I am a single mom, homeschooling, and working out of the home part-time in a very emotionally draining social work field. My extremely extroverted elderly mother lives with us, and she can't get out much anymore, so I am her main social life. *And I am an introvert.*

I get up 3 hours before the rest of the family, 4 AM, so I can have some alone time to start the day. Otherwise, I am a crab all day. Although the Dumplings are 10 & 11, and very independent and introverted themselves, I am not going to have a break as long as my Mom is with us. YoungSon is special needs, and it remains to be seen if he will ever live independently. I have a fantasy of 2 weeks in a luxury hotel room, room service, no phone, a huge stack of books, plenty of bubble bath and good red wine. Make it a month...


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

Introvert here. (Introvert who can handle dinner parties as long as I am hosting, though, cuz I love to cook and eat!)

I want to comment on something said above about "tribes." I've always felt like an alien on sites like this one because I don't want to live in a tribe. I don't want to be around people 24/7. It's over-stimulating for me and I would feel I didn't have any privacy. My privacy is something I guard like a tiny, newborn bird.

As others have noted, it does get better as the children get older. My dd is newly 8 (and yes, we also homeschool/unschool) and can understand when I say, "I need to chill out for a bit. I'm around but I need to just chill." Yeah, sometimes she doesn't leave me entirely alone but usually she gets interested in something and we can be in the same room but not talking. I need that! If she can't handle the silence, I will put on soft music as low as I can without her yelling, "HEY! I can't hear it!" LOL

I also try to make sure that, when I'm feeling energetic and silly, we do something fun. It's a balance. She's not as introverted as I am and needs interaction more than I do. It's a dance.
My dh works from home as well. We all have learned to work side by side, in silence (or with music), and it's glorious when it comes together like that. I feel like I've recharged my batteries but also get to be with my family.


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## nancy926 (Mar 10, 2003)

Another introvert here. Running is a great escape - I have to get back into it!

But I was sort of struck by the hopeless tone of the OP. Have you ever thought you might be depressed?

I totally understand needing alone time - that's not why I'm suggesting it. It was the "I will never be alone again" tone of things. Don't mean to offend.


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## Terabith (Mar 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WendyC* 
I used to use smoking as my way to escape overwhelming situations - it was perfectly acceptable to slip outside by myself to have a smoke. And the silence of those times sustained me during busy, hectic days. Now, obviously, I can't/won't smoke and I don't have that wonderful built in excuse to slip off alone for a few minutes.

God, I need a smoke break.


I have to confess; in college I seriously thought about taking up smoking just for the excuse of taking a smoke break. It seems like such a civilized custom - taking a break to go outside and breathe deeply. I finally decided I just couldn't handle the smell or taste of cigarettes and that it was really kind of a shame.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

I have to agree with a PP, but with her first book - *The Introvert Advantage.* I truly recommend checking it out from the library or buying. I have bought this book for almost everyone I know. It is very VERY helpful for those who are not introverts to understand us. And, it is eye opening for us. In short, I have felt like much less of a "failure" in this society after reading that book. Also, it does have the brain chemistry differences described in this book.

I also struggle with parenting. It is 24/7 "ON," and if you have a wee one who has interesting sleep patterns or little/no naps, it is even harder - those few recharge moments - poof -

Joseph is almost a year old. It has been SO HARD. You mamas know what I mean. We had reflux pain/issues for the first 6/7 months, and now napping has gone out the window for us on the weekends (he naps fine in daycare).

What I struggle with, and wonder if my fellow innies struggle with this, too, is the question of other children - and when. I totally get that when they are older that they will be playmates (with the naturel rivalry, I'm sure), and that, selfishly - I look forward to that. Because, I don't always want to get up, get dressed up for outings, and put on playdates for my little ones to have social fun time. Then I, myself, will need to socialize with the other parents. I know that sounds awful, and I do enjoy spending time with my friends, but geez, I just would often rather sit back with a book or take a bath while my kids play. I also struggle with, knowing how hard this has been so far, can I really be the type of parent I want to be with another child? I am afraid I will *snap* easily with too much input, too much energy needed. I have to remind myself that it is not forever.

So, I then struggle with when to have another child? Part of me wants to wait until DS is 3 to have the next child. Good spacing, give him attention, give me a break from busyness. But then I think, god this was so hard, do I really want to wait so long just to do it all over again?







And then I think that I just should have my second baby now, and get the infant part over with - knowing that the first year with both would be killer on my energy (though I can't even fathom how I would handle it being even more difficult than it this first year with DS).

It is hard to see in my writing that I love being a mother - but I do. I just feel that I do not get the quiet-time or alone-time breaks an innie needs often enough and wonder how another child will impact this.

Does anyone else think about if to have, or when to have, more wee loves?


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## Mountaingirl3 (May 21, 2005)

Thanks, everyone, for this thread and the book recommendations. I'm an introvert (INTP), too. Luckily, so is my dad. He understood me, gave me Myers/Briggs books, and helped me feel positive about my personality.

Do people harass y'all about failing to answer the phone? My friends and extended family give me a really hard time about how I never answer the phone. Well, sometimes it's just so loud around here that it would be pointless! Plus, when I'm engaged with the kids, it takes my full energy. I can't talk interact with someone on the phone, too.

Then, at the end of the day, in the sweet peace of three sleeping beauties, I don't even want to have a conversation with dh! I can't imagine returning phone calls. I do make time for important relationships--but it has to be the right time, not on the demand of the phone.

OP, I hope that you've found some ways to recharge. I second the thought of looking into depression. When you just can't seem to bounce back, it's a possibility. Also, super helpful for me is early bedtime for the kids. I wake them up at the crack of dawn if they start staying up too late. That way, they are exhausted by 7:30 or 8:00.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tellera* 
Does anyone else think about if to have, or when to have, more wee loves?

Not me. We have an Only By Choice. I can't imagine throwing another child into the mix.

DS is getting older and some things ARE easier compared to Infanthood.

Each year I feel lighter and lighter and less guilty of taking care of ME. That anxiousness feeling is going away.

Having 1 child fits my personality perfectly (and DH).

Being an Introvert Mama, Playdates stress me out. At the end, I can just pick up my kid and go home and have peace and quiet on the way home in the car.

Most of the time, I have a headache after we are leaving a playdate.


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## ktarsha (Jul 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tellera* 
Does anyone else think about if to have, or when to have, more wee loves?

Yes, oh yes! For a long time, I was certain I wanted two, fairly close together. But our recent month of sickness was such a drain that I started questioning whether I'm cut out to be a mama of more than one. Every time I start to decide that one is enough, I get sad, thinking of how I'll never again be pregnant, or hold my own minutes-old newborn, or experience any of those wonderful firsts, and that when my son weans, I'll never breastfeed again. On the other hand, if we have another, it's that much longer that I'll have to forgo "me" time, which I desperately need. The only time I'm alone is in the car on the way to and from work, and in the shower. I'm extremely introverted, and I need more than that. I adore my son, and love being with him, but there are many times that his energy and curiosity drive me nuts, when all I want is to read or work on a project. I've had to put away my needlework projects, because it's not possible to quilt or sew with a 10-month-old trying to be part of the action.


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## marieangela (Apr 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tellera* 
Does anyone else think about if to have, or when to have, more wee loves?

I did struggle with it a little bit. I never questioned having another, just when. I leaned towards 3 1/2 years (that's the spacing between my brother and I) and my dh wanted them closer together. We ended up with 2 1/2 year spacing. I enjoy the infant and younger toddler stages and ds2 was a really easy infant, so that worked out well. The whole 4 year old thing is hard for me. I find that I don't have the patience to be the mother that I want to be half the time and I worry about how my being an introvert effects my 4 year old. I get pretty drained these days because ds2 (who is now 17 months) still wakes up a lot during the night and ds1 gave a naps a long time ago. So, I end up staying up for a while after they go to bed in order to have some me time, but I have to sacrafice sleep, which I get too little of already.


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## LauraLoo (Oct 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tellera* 
What I struggle with, and wonder if my fellow innies struggle with this, too, is the question of other children - and when. I totally get that when they are older that they will be playmates (with the naturel rivalry, I'm sure), and that, selfishly - I look forward to that.
...............
Does anyone else think about if to have, or when to have, more wee loves?

My introverted ds came first - and he was always easy to parent from that standpoint. He could and still can entertain himself for hours. My extroverted dd came next - and oh my! What a difference! I can't wait for my ds to come home from school to give me a break!

They are very good playmates and it does ease the need for me to be on the go all the time. Now my problem is when ds takes a "break" to recharge and leaves me alone with dd







I think having two extroverts might be easier on me now!

One thing to consider is that you probably only have 5 years or so to suffer through playdates and being the main source of "entertainment" before they go to school, unless you plan to homeschool. Really, once dc get into school they have other friends and activities to keep them busy.


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## mamarhu (Sep 12, 2004)

As the homeschooling introvert (single) parent of 2 very introverted kids, I sometimes wonder if I am doing them a disservice when I don't push them to participate in classes, activities. DS 10 has one friend who visits for a weekend, once or twice a month. DD 11 doesn't have any friends, and claims to be fine with that. I don't really have friends either, and I am fine, but somehow it doesn't seem right for a kid. But when I push her into a homeschool group activity, she is miserable, and never makes a friend. Same here! Why do I think it is OK for me but not for them?


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## maudez (Jun 19, 2006)

I stumbled upon this thread this morning, and I swear it was heaven-sent. I have a 23-month-old and am on the fence about a second in the next year. (I'm considering 3-3 1/2 years between the two.) I, too, try to practice AP as much as possible. Fortunately, dd seems to coming out on the mildly introverted side, which does make it easier. But, of course, I want to provide her with the opportunity for a rich social life as it's best for her and her temperment. I would like to homeschool, but I'll have to see what will be realistic for me and beneficial for her. We live in a larger city where there are a lot of homeschool co-ops/groups and outside classes that could give me a break and take the full pressure off.

Nonetheless, I really loved having a sister and want to offer that to my daughter. It would be so nice to not have to venture out for playdates all the time. I know dd wants to be with other kids at least 4 days a week (my observations--4-5 days a week ideal, but every day is too much). When I think of what I want for my own family experience, I'm still on the fence about one or two children. Sigh... If I can ask, how did others chose whether or not to go down that road?


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## Azuralea (Jan 29, 2007)

I hadn't seen this thread before.

I strongly, strongly reject the MDC party line that AP equates to a specific number of hours with child within 10 feet of mother (and never dad, or grandma, or friends. Just mother.) and without that specific number of hours there is deficient attachment. Frankly, I think that presumption is _appalling_ and totally against what attachment parenting should really be: meeting the needs of _the entire family_; creating a loving bond between _all_ family members, welcoming a child into an environment where she knows she's cherished instead of resented, surrounding a new baby with love, compassion, and understanding.

The idea that an introvert mother is not allowed to recharge her batteries, is not allowed to meet her own needs by recognizing that if she doesn't get space to breathe she's not going to have the emotional and mental resources to parent effectively, that "good" AP mothers are only those extroverts who like or at least can manage endless rounds of excruciating playdates and hideously boring playgroups, if that is AP, then I am unequivocally and proudly NOT an attachment parent.

Of course, as a WOHM, I'm pretty sure there are lot of folks here on MDC who already don't consider me (and other WOHMs) AP so maybe that grand pronouncement isn't going to mean much here.









I don't know about extrovert versus introvert, but I know I need the mental relief that my work gives me. My specific needs require it; getting to exercise my brain in the specific manner my work requires makes me a more understanding and compassionate mother. I can't see that as wrong, or somehow unattached to my DS. And it's a compromise. My DS is an extrovert; he wasn't happy just staying home with me. So meeting his needs without smothering mine meant finding a warm preschool where he could socialize and yet didn't put me through the playgroup scene, which I hated.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I remember reading this thread when it first popped up, and I'm glad to see it back. I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me (aside from grief and depression issues related to losing Aaron, of course) and the lightbulb just went off. DD and ds2 are being extremely attention intensive these days, and I feel as though I never get a chance to breathe by myself. I need to start going for an evening walk every night again....just 15 or 20 minutes. I've been so tired by the time we all have supper that it seems like too much work, but I think I really need it. I'm just too burned out on...people. DH doesn't quite get it, because, although he's even more introverted than I am in many ways, I also don't trigger his "people around" thing...but he does trigger mine. Sometimes, I really need to just not have _anyone_ around.

Throw my very extroverted teenager into the mix, and...wham. His "thing" lately has been connecting to me by talking endlessly about the Legend of Zelda videogames and his related artwork and fan fiction. I know it's important to him, and I'm glad he wants to talk to me, but...it's like almost every night, the kids are in bed, and dh has gone up, and I'm thinking I can have 10 minutes of just ME time...and ds1 walks in and starts to talk. I end up trying to stay calm and talk rationally, when I want to just scream, "it's bedtime - go to bed - this is MY time - for ME - don't talk to me - go away". DS2 does get that really am just the way I am...but he doesn't really understand a need for time alone.

Yes...walks. I'm also going to insist on dd having quiet time for the first half hour or so of ds2's nap. After that, she and I should be able to have some good one-on-one time...


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## nancy926 (Mar 10, 2003)

I can't explain why I wanted more than one child....I just did. We have two, and I am just as certain that I don't want more. DH and I are both introverted; he is an only and I am one of two (but we are 8 years apart!).

Our two are 2.75 years apart. The first 4-6 months were hard. The next year was kind of hard. Now that DD2 is almost 3 (and thanks to some therapy [for me!] for anxiety issues), things are way better. I still feel guilty sometimes about meeting my own needs....but I read something that resonated with me: Guilt is useless, because it makes us freeze up and be LESS likely to take action. Instead, try regret. When we regret something, we want to make it better - we don't sit around feeling like we're horrible people.

Not sure where I am going with this - it's certainly possible for introverts to have multiple kids. I would say good support is key (I'm a WAHM and DH is a SAHD, so I spend several hours alone in my office 5 days a week...it's not ideal "alone" time but I'll take it). One of my DDs can be shy and would rather observe before jumping into an activity, so I am assuming she's introverted....but I'm not going to let her use that as an excuse for never trying anything new, ykwim? We know her M.O. for new activities (hang back for first 30 minutes; slowly warm up; become wildly enthusiastic) and I keep reminding her of that when we talk about taking a class or doing something new. I don't expect her to change, just to know herself and remember that 90% of the time, she does wind up enjoying herself. Now i need to apply that to my own life a bit!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nancy926* 
Not sure where I am going with this - it's certainly possible for introverts to have multiple kids.









:
I have three, and want one more. As long as I can carve out some alone time, I'm okay. Infants don't bother me in that regard, though - I can wear a baby all day, as long as it's not crying (and my incision is healed, and I don't have back pain).

I hated WOH, but I walked about 15 minutes each way to and from my bus. Those breaks every day were golden - just me, and usually a book. That's the only part of WOH that I actively miss...


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## marieangela (Apr 15, 2003)

Nice to see this thread revived. I have two now and am trying for a third. I always assumed that I would have two children if I had children, so it wasn't really a conscious decision. Now that they are a little older (ds1 turned 5 in Jan and ds2 will be 3 in Aug), they spend more time playing together and entertaining each other. It's nice. I love babies and would really like to have one more. It will be tough in the 1 year to 3 year phase, but should get better after that (I tell myself).

I have a part-time job in a library that isn't open to the public. It is the perfect job for me. Very little human interaction, I nice break from being "on" and a very flexible schedule (usually 10 hours a week in the form of two 5 hour days). I need that time and I need my alone time at night. Thus I'm up at midnight.


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## zannster (Aug 12, 2004)

Interesting thread - I didn't see it earlier. I'm an introvert, though maybe not the most extreme one. My husband is also introverted (we're both INTP). Our son is an introvert too, but he's not the type that will entertain himself for hours. It's as if he's an extrovert with us and introvert with everyone else







so he can be a handful for me sometimes. I really struggled for a long time as to whether to have another. Even now (we're TTC), I'm ambivalent for a variety of reasons. I don't look forward to repeating the first few years again. DH and I have already discussed the possibility of a PT nanny or at least more babysitting time when we have #2 because I may find myself overloaded for a while. I'm a little embarrassed by that, I guess...but I don't consider myself any less AP because of it. I just know that I'll need some breaks.


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## pixilixi (Jun 20, 2006)

I can't believe I missed this thread! I can identify with so many comments - yes, I'm an introvert too. In fact, I had just been fantasising about going camping in the bush for a night or 2 by myself... bliss!

Since becoming a parent there have been times when I've felt that my inner self was dying due to a lack of alone time. I think that this is what I found hardest to deal with having an infant who was a very frequent waker, more than sleep deprivation per se.

Things are easier now, though like a previous poster mentioned, I have a boy who is quiet when we're out but a chatterbox to me... though the constant questions can be draining, it is still delightful, and he will sometimes be content playing near me without me having to interact all the time.

But, I am also pondering having a second child... but don't know how I will cope with the demands for interaction and noise that having another child will bring. I am thinking, if we do go ahead, that I will more readily accept help, and definately ask more of dh in terms of taking the kids for a while. I would have to put some quiet time for me much higher on the priority list.

I do agree with the momma who mentioned that more extroverted mommas may have a harder time than us when they can't get out. I know several women who say they go stir crazy if they don't get adult company - even if it's at work. I do understand the need for adult company, but in another way, I love having a day where it's just me and ds - life is just at a slower pace that's nice.

Thanks for reviving the thread. Hugs to all you introverted momma's!


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## LauraLoo (Oct 9, 2006)

It *is* nice to see this thread revived!

Last week ds (my introvert) was pretty sick with a fever and vomiting from Tues. evening through the end of the week. DD (my extrovert) is only in school on Mon. & Wed......so she was home all day with us Thurs. and Fri.....and she was bored, bored, bored! I was exhausted from being up at all hours tending to ds, and then trying to keep dd occupied during the day. Talk about overload! Thankfully, DH gave me a break yesterday and I went to a movie (by myself!) and then had a pedicure. I felt so, so much better.

Since this thread was started, ds and dd have gotten to be much better playmates. DS and I play tag team with dd. When he needs a break to recharge, I play with dd. When ds is ready to play with her again, then I get my break. Seems to be working pretty well. This week when things were boring and lower key than normal, it did force dd to self-entertain for longer periods than she typically has been able to tolerate in the past, which was a very good thing for all of us. She'll be thrilled to go to preschool tomorrow, ds will be well enough to go back to school, and I will be glad for some silence!


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I didn't read the whole thread (but I will, it looks like a great one - just not this minute) but I wanted to respond. I'm an extrovert, it seems like my son is one... and my husband is an introvert. I think it is REALLY important that the extrovert spouse move heaven and earth to get the introvert some time, the same way that society tells us mothers need to "get out."

So I say, talk to your DH about your needs and then make a date to go out/stay in ALONE. Remember the P in AP is parent, not Pmommy.


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## maybebaby (Dec 24, 2001)

You mean I'm not just weird?









Seriously though, I'm an introvert, very much so. And my dh is very much an extrovert. I agree that it can be hard, and I also agree that it's nice if he extro spouse is understanding; mine is. He's the one always pushing me to do things alone. But the one area he doesn't quite get is that for me, going out somewhere with people isn't going to help







The best thing would be if he took the kids and I got to stay home a bit. He does do that at times, but I know it's hard.

We have four kids







and I still want another. Even with all my eccentricities.







I know the noise and craziness does make me anxious at times, but I still love it. The biggest area of concern, for me, is my worry that my lack of desire to "get out there" will hurt my kids. My boys seem to take after dad, but dd1 at least takes after me. The jury's still out on dd2







. So I worry that I'm not helping them by not being able to get them out and involved in things. I push my comfort level regularly for their benefit, but I have to be careful to decompress afterward lol

Anyway, great thread! I'm glad to know there are so many other who feel this way...well, maybe not "glad", but it's comforting








(and Lisa, my oldest does that with YuGiOh







)


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## shooflymama (May 23, 2005)

hi there,

i don't have time to read the other posts right now, but i will be back. i just wanted to say hugs to you and that i totally understand.

i am in introvert in the sense you defined in your original post - i'm not shy, i'm actually friendly and outgoing, but being around people drains me. i once heard introvert/extrovertism as defined this way: if, after an all day job interview you are excited and full of energy, and want to go out with people afterwards, then you are an extrovert. if, after an all-day job interview, you are exhausted and just want to go back to your hotel room and be alone and reflect and rest, then you are an introvert. i am most definitely an introvert.

one of the hardest things for me about having kids, and particularly staying at home, is that it is so, so hard for me to be around people 24/7. and people who want to interact and need me constantly







. i try so hard, but it is not easy for me after a while, my batteries get totally drained.

once, my husband kept the boys and i spent the night at a local hotel. it did wonders for me, that time all alone! the silence, the time to think, the time alone! i was totally recharged, and that really did make a difference for a long while after that. even just a little time alone for me goes a long, but it's often hard to get and i have to really plan for it and make it a priority. if i don't, no one else will.

i don't know if this helps, i just related and wanted to let you know.


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## maudez (Jun 19, 2006)

A few days ago I revived the thread after finding it and thinking it was the best thing about my day. I really appreciate hearing everyone's experiences and advice. We're going to wait to decide on #2. I'd like for dd to be entering early preschool a couple days a week if and when a new baby arrives.

I love the hotel overnight idea. I might just do that this summer sometime!

Anyway, it's so nice to read everyone's comments and not feel so strange. It truly isn't just me! I'm reading a book on introversion now and will be sure to pick up the child one people recommended.


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## pixilixi (Jun 20, 2006)

I second (or third?) reading the book "the introvert advantage". I read this a couple of years ago, and it was so validating. I mean, I knew since I was a kid that I was an introvert (after reading in my mum's psychology texts about introversion/extraversion), but I still thought I was really weird. This was not helped by having a boyfriend who put me down for not talking much in company, for saying "weird" things out of context in company, for having an empty brain etc etc.

I realise now that he totally just DID NOT GET ME. I was actually in tears a couple of times reading this book because I recognised some of the feelings and experiences as what I had been through and felt abnormal for having. Well, I found out I was normal!!! (Well, in those respects







) It was just a part of my introverted make-up. It just affirmed for me that I'm an ok person - not just to my accepting husband, but to the world. And if other people didn't think so, then that was their problem.

It also gave me permission to do some of those things we all do to survive. Like leave parties early. Actually, while I was reading this book I went to a party and discovered another individual hiding out in the corridor. We had a darn good chat, and I enjoyed the party all the more for it! And I didn't feel weird about it!

Yay! for books like these!


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