# Can anyone help me reverse damage?



## kangaroo_mom (Jan 11, 2004)

Hi there,

I've never been brave enough to post on a Gentle Parenting board before, though I have read through many. It always has seemed to me that the GD parents online seem like the perfect parents who never lose their tempers or ever even think of lashing out at their child/children either physically or verbally and they spout out venom about other parents who do succumb to such weaknesses. I know I need help, but I don't want a bunch of people jumping down my back telling me what a rotten parent I am and how someone should call CPS on me. I don't know if anyone would actually be that mean, but that fear of being so harshly judged has kept me from participating in these types of forums before in the past.

However, I am seaking treatment for PPD. I don't start treatment until the 18th and would like some help to reverse a lot of the damage already done.

A little background on me: I grew up in the typical disfunctional American home (truthfully I've yet to meet a "functional" home) with the typical yelling, spanking, threats, etc. Yes, there were problems, but not worse than any of my friends' families. Still when my husband and I decided to start a family we didn't want to repeat the same abuse patterns so we got really into AP with our first DD. We felt we were amazing parents and everyonen commented on how patient and loving we were. Then I got pregnant when she was about 16 months old (a little quicker than we had anticipated).

Alayna, our oldest, started hitting my tummy. My husband and I were very scared for my safety, since she was so brutal. There was a lot of stress at that time with extended family members, renting out the downstairs of our home, and financial and maritial issues (from all the stress). We started reading Love and Logic and used the time out in the room for discipline when she would hit. This started a downward spiral of using isolation constantly whenever she would act up. She was an EC "graduate" at 2 when her sister was born, but then she completely regressed. She even stopped eating almost completley and got malnourished and her eczema flared up very badly. She got more violent. It probably didn't help that we had a not-so-nice weaning during my pregnancy. I really wanted to tandem nurse, but it was just too painful for me. I yelled at her a few times because of the pain, so I'm sure that was bad. I was too afraid to take her to playgroups that summer because her arms looked terrible from the eczema, she had bags under her eyes from the malnourishment that we were reversing, and she was hitting, biting and scratching everyone. Well, being so isolated just made things worse. I got thrush and PPD that I battled for about a year. I finally reversed the PPD with St. John's Wort and Wild Yam cream.

When our second DD was barely 1, I found out I was pregnant again (big shock!) I was so scared of going through all this again. Unfortunately I am not a nice pregnant lady. I'm downright nasty. I don't have very good pregnancies because I get so sick and miserable. This time was no different as I was in horrible excrutiating pain during my last trimester, so again my two adorable girls got neglected and yelled at again, and we even started spanking and jerking our kids around to get them out of things. I would be so tired and in pain and so frustrated that they would be getting into everything (dumping toys in toilets, smearing peanut butter on carpets, etc.) that it would just bring out my inner rage. I started yelling more because I didn't want to get up so I'd yell and yell hoping they'd stop.

Long story short, things have just gotten worse. My oldest has gone back to peeing on everything even though she was 100% potty trained day and night when our son was born. She will be 4 in two weeks. Our almost 2 year old DD uses the bathroom more than our oldest. Having EC'd our first and seeing her regress back and forth like this is so frustrating. Also our oldest is exceptionally violent now. My youngest DD has several bloody scratch and bite marks all over her body. It is just terrible. She even pulled a chunk of hair out of her head the other day. She scratched her 6 week old brother across the cheeks (fairly deep) and under the eye in the car (we can't afford a van at the moment). Her little sister looks so battered I'm keeping her home from Church tomorrow. How do I explain to people that my almost 4 year old is an abuser? I know it starts with the parents being abusive, but in our home, what seems to have happened is that our oldest started hitting and abusing us and her siblings, which would make us lash out at her, which has created a horrible cycle we just don't know how to get out of.

In anycase, my husband and I will be seeking out a family therapist to give us some professional help after my PPD treatment is through. We can't afford to do both at the same time. I know we have been abusive. I have taken positive parenting classes and read countless positive parenting books, but I'm hoping to get some "real world" advice from other parents. I know a lot of the problem stems from the fact that we have had our kids way too close. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it's happend and it is just way too much for me to handle all at once.

So if you can help me, gently (am a little sensitive at the moment because of the PPD), I'd be appreciative.

Thank you for reading this.


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## karlin (Apr 8, 2004)

I think the first thing you need to do is enlist some help from family or friends. Humans are pack animals, and we aren't meant to do everything by ourselves. Have your older kids grandparents take them out to the zoo or the park or even the mall to give yourself a break. Get yourself a copy of Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. You may not agree with most of it, but it will certainly give you a lot to think about. Start apologizing to your children when you feel you have made a mistake. It sets a good example, and also conveys real feelings to your children. It's never too late to change.

Maybe a change in diet would help you feel a little better and give you more energy to parent? Try cutting out bad carbs (sugar and white flour) and adding more good protein (free range eggs and organic meats). Drink more water.

I think the most important thing you need is a little help with childcare. Find a friend who can give you a break for a couple hours.....or even hire a neighborhood teenageer as a mother's helper to play with your older girls while you cook dinner. Have you considered a preschool for your oldest? I know it's not the best solution, but it sounds like she needs some outlet for her energy.

Good luck!


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

You are a brave and wonderful mama for posting your situation so honestly.

I had PPD, and treatment (Zoloft) worked wonders -- though it took a few weeks to really kick in.

I don't have much to add, except that I do believe things can be reversed. I believe young children are adaptable enough to survive less-than-perfect upbringing if the subsequent years are filled with lots of love and laughter.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. But I read your heartfelt post and wanted to respond somehow. Many hugs to you and your family. And please keep coming here for support.


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## boomingranny (Dec 11, 2003)

Most parents have moments they'd rather bury forever. Your 4 year old sounds like she could benefit from some one on one play therapy. She sounds very angry - wouldn't you be? She probably feels scared and threatened. Reassuring her is a good start, but don't fall into the trap of expecting immediate results. She needs healing and that can take some time. Also 4 is difficult age without all the other variables like 2 younger siblings and a Mom with PPD. Like the pp's above said - maybe she needs to have a break and do a little preschool or have a regular schedule with grandparents/aunties uncles.

Good Luck

June


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

I know you're going to get some great advice here. The very beginning of repairing the damage is responding in a different way now. How are you responding when she has potty accidents now? How are you responding to her violent outbursts?

Have you told the kids about your PPD diagnosis? Have you and your partner sat down with them to talk to them about why things went so very wrong, that it was wrong and that you are not going to do it anymore?

Your 4 year old is not an abuser. She is a hurting, confused and angry just past baby who desparately needs you and her dad's love and compassion. Further isolation does not seem to be the answer. What does she love to do with you and her dad? Can you set up a date with just the three of you? Has she talked to you about how out of control she feels?

Larry Cohen of "Playful Parenting" does phone and email consults for a fee. It might be worth going that route until you can afford a weekly local play therapist.

Here's the website: http://www.playfulparenting.com/


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## Annikate (Aug 2, 2005)

Just want to say that I have tough days with only 2 (18 months apart). I cannot imagnie what it must be like having 3! Wow!

Also wanted to add: I know depression as well and although it seems hard (and even impossible at times) you MUST take care of yourself too. Make sure you eat regularly (especially protein) and try to get someone to relieve you even if only for 15 minutes of quiet time to yourself.

You are doing a great job already just by knowing you want things to change! Oh, and when my 2 yr. old is acting up it really helps her if I look directly into her eyes while I'm talking with her. Try to remember to give each of your dcs a big hug every day and tell them you love them!


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

PPD makes everything so hard! and I am sure having three small children makes getting enough sleep difficult which just makes everything worse. I had PPD when dd was born and I am afraid of what it would have been like trying to deal with older children at the same time. I agree with the others that getting breaks is probably the best thing to try and do right away. Even if it is just your dh staying with the kids so you can get some time away.....maybe bringing the 6 week old with you if need be. I also second the Unconditional Parenting book. Be warned that the first time you read it, it will seem like it is impossible to get to that point. But I found the explanations very helpful. I reread it about every two months to remind myself.

I would also let go of the potty issues. But your dd in pull-ups if need be. But if it is a source of hassle and hard feelings, just let it go. But her in pull-ups then she can decide if and when she wants to use the potty. Just try and focus on making things as easy as possible for everyone. Maybe lots of movie-days or whatever that takes the pressure off.

Good luck to you! Please do not feel afraid to post here. There is occasionally some philosophical bantering around here but we are arguing ideals. No one is perfect. We all do things we wish we didn't. Heck, I have argues against certain things then slipped up and done it myself two hours later







No one lives up to their ideals 24/7.


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## BabyDakota (Jan 5, 2006)

Some herbal remedies for stress and such...

Holy Basil capsules - as a daily supplement

Bach's rescue remedy - a liquid to take on the spot to calm you down

These are safe while breasfeeding and while pregnant

If it is hormones - some vitex (just vitex) also known as chastetree berry, to help balance you out.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Just want to give you huge hugs!!! Since having child #2 I have had more "bad parenting" moments than I can bear to recall. Overall things are great, but I've gone through rough periods where I lose my focus, and I have had moments where I've acted in ways I really regret and dislike. It's normal, and the very fact you are here, asking for help, attests to how good a parent you ARE.
















Second, you CAN "reverse the damage". It will take time and consistency, but you can do it. I suggest reading some good GD books (check out our sticky thread) but also just hang around here as much as you can! I get such great ideas from mamas here.

Finally, you must understand that 80% of GD (IMO) is YOUR ATTITUDE. The way you look at things, the expectations you have for yourself and your children. It's amazing how some behaviours that seem horrible to you can become really benign just by looking at them in a different way (and then learning how to prevent them). Anyways, I wish you much luck. There are so many good books out there, but I think some that will help you are:

Becky Bailey "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline".
This book reads a bit like a 12-step manual, and her writing style can be annoying, but her words are SO wise!

Thomas Gordon "Parent Effectiveness Training".
Silly title, but really awesome tools you can use to communicate with your kids.

Alfie Kohn "Unconditional Parenting"
Not big on tools you can use, but an awesome "primer" for resetting your perspectives on your child's behaviours. Also great information regarding why behaviouristic approaches to parenting (including rewards and punishments) are ineffective.

Stick around!


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

Hi Cangaroo Mom,

first of all, you have a great signature! You had a home birth? That must be such an incredible experience.

By all means do not be so hard on yourself. Think about all the good times you had with the kids. Think about when you were nursing them, think about the nighttime cuddles ... Think of yourself as a great mom!

IMO the single most important thing a parent can do is be playful. Everything can be turned into a game. It is so easy to make little kids laugh! They are an easy audience! Just making a sock talk makes putting socks on so funny. And inventing a story about brushing teeth, can make bedtime a breeze.

You really are not alone. Gentle parenting one is one thing, gentle parenting two or three quite another. I have two, relatively closely spaced little girls and it has been very hard, on me, on my dh, on our marriage and on our almost 5 yo. She really bore the brunt of the stress we all went through .... For me, finding this forum almost a year ago was a lifesaver. I had so much good advice here... so I hope you keep reading and posting.

Maybe if you post more specifically about what are the things that trigger your dd1's aggressiveness or that cause her to act up I am sure you will get some very good advice here.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

It sounds like life has been really stressful for you for a while. It is so hard to be a good parent under stress. Give yourself credit for knowing you want to change and asking for help. I agree with other posters that it sounds like you could use some help. If you don't have friends or family available, maybe there is a neighborhood girl you could hire to play with your older children in the afternoons for a couple of hours.

It can be really helpful to set up a daily routine. Write out a basic plan for the day with your kids and put it up on the wall. Structure can help everyone feel safer and more secure. Plan some simple activities for the kids that you can do with them.


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## kangaroo_mom (Jan 11, 2004)

Sorry I've been away from the boards for a while, been treating Thrush. (ugh!) Thank you SO MUCH for all the uplifting advice! The scary thing is I feel like a horrible child-abusing mother and yet when I hear my other friends talk about how they discpline their kids, I'm shocked. But it seems like most people do so much worse to their kids and don't bat an eye. The problem with that is I tell my DH what my friends have done to their kids and he says, "so you're better than them, don't worry about it." We fight about discpline all the time. I feel like I can understand exactly where my little girl is coming from when she does something bad (bites her sister, scratches her brother) but I just try to comfort all of them at once and talk about how we SHOULD behave. However DH says he's not going to let her manipulate us or walk all over us so he sends her to her room or the corner, so she feels even more isolated.

I contacted a councilor who I saw advertised in our Health Food store, so I think she's "crunchy friendly"







. She teaches Hypnobirthing and infant massage as well as deals wtih PPD and does Play Therapy. She says she's been specializing in Attachment Disorders for the last 15 years. Problem is she charges $85.00 a session for people with insurance and only gives a 15% discount for those without insurance, like us.







: My treatment at the Health and Wellness Center is going to cost $160.00 for the first treatment, x-ray and evaluation (they do energy testing stuff) and then $50.00 for each treatment after that. My husband wants me to pick one or the other. He doesn't want to pay for both. I hate wallowing in debt. I also hate wallowing in depression. I kind of feel like I'd rather lose my house than lose my kids. So I feel withdrawing money from our home equity line of credit to pay for all this is worth it in the long run, but DH does not agree. Did I mention we could use some marital therapy as well?









I just don't want to "wing it" like everyone else seems to do with parenting. I guess I could call around to try to find a cheaper therapist. Oh what to do what to do.

And to answer a couple questions (sorry if I don't remember all of them). Yes, I have had all 3 of my kids at home. The last 2 were supposed to be water births but I went too fast and both times my pools got holes in them.







: In anycase, it was good to have complete control over my birthing environment, even if the pain did totally suck!







And I do have the book "Playful Parenting". I need to get my DH to read that. He's such a happy go-lucky Gemeni, but the kids and work and finances just stress the poor guy out. I think he's the more patient one of us but right now I feel so bad for him because he has so much weight on his shoulders. I wish there was something I could do for him, but I can barely take care of myself and the kiddos.

I have enlisted some help. My single friend from college, who's a school teacher has told me to call her after 4 pm to help out. She says she has no life and wishes she had kids (and she's great with them! has a dual degree in special ed/early childhood ed). My MIL came over last night and asked if she could set up a time to come help me clean. I was so tired I said, "yes that'd be great". And I actually went over and visited my neighbor the other day when I saw her little boy playing in the yard. She has offered to take the kids off my hand for a couple hours when she can. So I'm slowly learnign to ask for help. My DH says that's my problem. Well, that's part of my problem, there are alot of other things going on right now that are stressing me out.

Anyway, gotta get breakfast ready before the kiddos wake up. I will hang out more as I can.


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## MelissaFrances (Jan 12, 2006)

I would hardly call you an abusive mother. You are a good and gentle-minded mother who has had stress-related slips-ups. Join the club. My son and I have been having similar issues of late as you've described with your eldest daughter, if not to the same level of severity.
As far as the regression from being potty-trained, based on your descriptions, it seems as though she may be empathizing with her younger siblings, possibly feeling like they get more attention, and using the accidents as an attention-seeking strategy. While some advice might say ignore it, I suggest you give her the attention that she is requesting with that behavior, and more positive attention in general. Make like it wouldn't bother you at all if she wholly decided she didn't want to be potty-trained anymore. She will decide on her own to start using the potty 100% again, as she will want to identify with her peer group (if she is in pre-K or exposed to other 4-year-olds) and use the potty as they do. I didn't even DISCUSS using the potty with my son until after he turned 3. I just didn't see the need to rush it. It is one of those things that takes care of itself.
Good luck and please check back to let us know how it's going. Remember, you are NOT an abusive mother because you fell temporarily into a dark place. I don't label myself an abusive mother, and I periodically fall into similar spaces. Best of luck! Melissa


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kangaroo_mom*
However DH says he's not going to let her manipulate us or walk all over us so he sends her to her room or the corner, so she feels even more isolated.

I'd spend the money for PPD therapy, and then I'd read this to your dh. And then ask him to really, really think about how your oldest dd must feel, and both of you put yourselves in her shoes. She probably feels awful about herself! She probably hates herself so much right now because of how she keeps hurting everyone, and how everyone in your family is mad at her. I think it sounds like if you could help her feel better about herself, the potty problem would solve itself. Have you read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen? I'm sure you have tons of time to sit down with a book, right? But this one is a pretty fast read, and it could give you a ton of ideas about how to "recast" your oldest dd, in a way. She needs you and your dh to help her stop being the bad guy. I'm sorry if this sounds bossy, I'm just in a hurry. Here are some suggestions:

*Get the neighbor to watch dd#2 and the baby, and spend a lot of time reconnecting with dd#1.

*Stop isolating her when she hits or hurts. Say, "I can see you are mad, but I can't allow my children to hurt each other. Come sit on the couch and read this book (watch this movie, play with this toy, whatever) until you feel better. You can come play when you feel like you can play without hitting."

*Prevent, prevent, prevent. Watch for her triggers, and don't let her get close to the other kids when you can tell she feels like hurting. Don't let her catch on, keep it upbeat, and break the cycle. If you see her heading for her sister, jump up and say, "Come on honey, want to help me get a snack (pick out a movie, book, dress these dolls, get the mail, fold the clothes)?" Engage her and distract her, it still works even at her age.

I know it's so so hard to be creative and upbeat when your depressed. If you have to choose, do whatever you can to solve that problem, and it'll make a world of difference. Good luck! Keep us posted!


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## kangaroo_mom (Jan 11, 2004)

Thanks again. You ladies are really helping me out. I talked with some of the mommies at my oldest DD's dance class last Friday about Preschools. There is one mom whose DD is a year older than mine who said my DD reminds her so much of hers at that age. We were really open and candid about how DDs' explosive personalities and how their personalities were so calm and sweet until their siblings were born and then almost overnight they changed. She told me about a preschool that her pediatrician had recommended for her DD. It is a state funded preschool but they specialize in special needs kids - not handy-capped kids- but ones with behavior and emotional issues. They hold off on the ABCs and such and focus in on sharing, taking turns, not hitting, not biting, etc. She said the teacher is a bit of a "tree hugger"














and very sweet. She gave me the contact info and how to go about getting my DD in the program. She started her DD in it in Jan. right before her 4th birthday, so things should be fine with my DD starting mid-year as well. It will be 2 times a week for 2 hours and 45 minutes. I really feel this will be wonderful for my DD and me. This mama I talked to said she was afraid to put her DD in preschool because she was so violent with other kids, but she said she was starting to get very angry with her child and knew that she needed to get her involved in something otherwise she was going to get abusive. It was so refreshing to hear this from another mama. She was just so open and honest. I don't get that very often from IRL people. I still have my heart set on Homeschooling, but I feel this preschool will really help us all out as we adjust to life with 3 kids and get past the baby stage. Now I just have to get past the whole vaccination thing, since we are a non-vaxing family. Hopefully I won't get too much flak for that.

I'll keep you all updated on what becomes of this.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

I know children who had either SID (Sensory Integration Disorder) or Aspergers Syndrome (form of autism spectrum) who had those exact types of behaviors. Your 4 year old could be reacting to food sensitivities which could be greatly (or totally) relieved with certain elimination diets. I don't know much about any of this but do know of people who have benefitted greatly.

Perhaps other posters could tell you more about these things.

No, I don't think you are a bad Mama, not at all...and it's great that you are figuring out how to ask for help.


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

Just wanted to chime in, when I notice ds (also four) started to spiral negative.. being mean to dd(2) or not listening or whatever, sometimes I think to call him over, pull him in my lap, talk about and hug and kiss him (fill his cup) and ... his attitude will change.. I have a very hard time as well, though Im not pp and I only have two dc. I have posted over and over about my difficulties being GD and not yelling. SO HARD..








. I too have done things I regret, I always go back and apologize for my behavior. Its the least i can do. We have good days and bad days.

Some people here mention filling their cup? making sure their needs and love cups are filled makes life easier.. its so true and I try to keep that In mind. I make sure they are fed and taken care of and loved and played with. If I taket the time, I surely get it back. I also make sure i find time away. I go to a scrapbooking workshop once a month, on a saturday from 5-10pm. I go to the gym once or twice a week at night... also the library. I do all this when dh is home. My friends and I will go out at night for a hot chocolate and go shopping (dh puts kids to bed)...... I know its harder with a small baby, but try to find that time.

also wanted to add, ds goes to preschool and loves it!! My very spirited dd is going next year.... I think she really needs it..


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

hugs mama. as far as the judgment thing... i don't think anyone judges anyone around here who says... "i did this and it's wrong and i want to stop doing it etc." i think people get judged if they describe situations where children are being treated really harshy and they think it's just fine. did you read the thread about the woman who wrote an article about spanking her 12 month odl and then trying to convience everyone that it was fine? there was some heavy judgment there, but people did try to treat her compassionately too.

i think it might be really helpful, if you can swing it to get some supportive conuseling for your 4 year old. play or movement therapy can just help kids express what they don't have words for.

another thing that might help is some sort of program where someone comes in and helps you with housework so you have more time for your kids, or someone comes and spends time with each of your kids individually while you have a bit of time for the other ones 1:1.

where i live these programs are part of preventive services, i don't know if they exist in your area at all, but something like big brother, big sister, YWCA or the united way can help you find the help you need.

perhaps a local LLL or an AP group could help you find volunteers to come and help. i know i would gladly come and give you a hand if it took the pressure off. but you'll have to reach out for the help, because unless a judge orders it, no-one is gonna drop these servies in your lap. that means you'll have to push past your shame and fear and reach out.

if you tell people what is happening and what you would like for your children and ask for help, i think people would be willing.

please get some special help for your 4 year old, she seems esp. affected by this harsh "discipline." (i don't know anything about "love and logic" but it sounds really scary.)

i second the recommendation of rescue remedy... use it often. it's safe with all meds and breastfeeding/pregnancy. i would also recommend "holly" for your daughter was well, sounds like she could really use it.

also, deep breathe often and try and give your kids lots and lots of hugs. seems they and you need it mama.

if you need help finding phone numbers, PM me, i'll be happy to look for stuff for you.


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## MsMoMpls (Oct 22, 2002)

Congratulations on chosing to learning how to be a better parent. I honestly think that all anyone wants on this board is for people to be open to the idea that raising our children doesn't have to be harsh and punative. Kids can and do turn out wonderfully if we nurture and accept them and just kind of nudge them along towards appropriate behavior.

A couple of things to try- remember that the behavior you are responsible for changing is yours. That is where your power is. Just work hard on being the mom you want to be. Because you are trying to repair the "damage" or the negative pattern, talk to your dh about what you are trying to do.

"I want to be a nice momma and so when you do things that are dangerous, I am going to help you make better choices. And I will work very hard at not being loud and mean with you."

You almost have to let go of the goal of changing her behavior for awhile... you first. You have to have a great deal of faith that she will grow to be respectful if she is respected, gentle if she is treated gently. Parenting is like gardening- you provide the right soil and conditions and they grow... you don't "make" them grow.

And keep coming here. There are no perfect parents... those people scare me! I lose it... but a lot less every year. Honestly- I tell people it is easy to become a patient easy going parent, it only took me 20 years. I think that is why grandparents look so good. My little ones are lucky- they get a wise old experienced mother. My oldest had it a lot rougher.


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

I agree with the advice above. There were several ideas I wanted to suggest. There are Bach flower remedies that help with 'aggression and feeling you are going to lose control'-Cherry Plum; 'feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities'-Elm; 'helps with jealous, envious, vengeful feelings'-Holly;
'helps you feel interst and joy in life'-Wild Rose; 'helps to adapt to major life changes'-Walnut; 'restores energy when you are physically and mentally exhausted'-Olive; 'helps to be more tolerant and se the positive'-Beech; etc.

Here are two links to the Bach flower remedy guides to choosing the remedies appropriate to _your_ situation. They are excellent and totally safe acute remedies for stress relief. They can be taken while pregnant, nursing or for babies or children. They can be added to juice, milk, water, etc. I have used the Elm on many occasions and given the Cherry Plum to ds when he is beyond able to hear other people's needs. They help both of us to calm down and think more clearly. I highly recommend them for occasional use. They are fairly inexpensive, about $15 for a bottle that will last years.

Welcome to Ainsworths Bach Flower Remedy Finder. This effective self-medication programme has been designed to help you choose the most important Bach ...
http://www.ainsworths.com/remedy/default.aspx - 27k - similar pages

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Here is my post from a recent thead that was the same situation. Do you know about the Comfort Corner concept?

Quote:

1. Fill love tank. See "The Five Love Languages for Children". The author suggests that the five are: acts of service, physical touch, gifts, affirmation, quality time. We generally value all; but there is usually a primary 'love language' and each adult or child feels more full of love, or empty of love, if their love language isn't being "spoken" to them consistently, daily.

2. Eye contact when speaking with child.

3. Validation of feelings as has been suggested. The "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, How to Listen so Kids will Talk" discusses pratical communication skills for increasing the dialogue effectiveness.

4. "Siblings Without Rivalry" helps discuss what one pp was saying about allowing the "ugly" feelings about a new sibling to be voiced and validated. This helps the child work through them so that he can move away from carrying them alone. And then he can gain perspective once these are not such a heavy burden.

5. "The Explosive Child" discusses 'picking your battles'. Basically, it has a "Basket" criteria of degrees of battle. Basket "A" is safety issues. These are critical to health and worth making an issue over. Basket "C" are little things that won't matter tomorrow, next week or next month. These are ignored and dealt with without creating an issue/battle or power struggle.

Basket "B" are the important but negotiable items which need buy-in. Most things are here. But the issue is to determine 'Is this critical to the family's happiness *today* to create a power struggle?' What other ways can this issue be tackled together as a team?

6. Food intolerances: dairy causes aggression in our son. We see his behavior change about one hour after consumption and lasts 1-6 hours depending on quantity consumed. Also, high fructose corn syrup (not sugar), artificial colors: red and yellow. See "The Feingold Diet" on-line.

7. 'Meet the underlying needs' is my mantra. I was glad to see so many posters suggesting the focus on working to solve the need, rather than focusing on eliminating the behavior.
And I really want to stress my concern regarding food intolerances because of the *behaviors and the eczema*. Dairy (including casein and whey) causes serious issues with aggression and increased physicality (pushing, hitting, head butting, bumping, kicking, pulling, grabbing, yelling, etc.) with our son. Eliminating all dairy for 1-3 weeks TOTALLY would probably see dramatic improvement. And then you could see if additional foods are issues too. I almost guarantee it with the eczema symptom.







Soy is highly correllated with dairy intolerances too. It is much harder to eliminate, as soy proteins are added to so many processed foods now. But, if possible eliminate it as much as possible too.

Eliminating it from the household would be the easiest tactic so that it is not a battle all day long. I found that I was sensitive to dairy too when I eliminated it from my diet since we were nursing at the time. I feel much more irritable and impatient when I consume dairy. And allergies are a familial issue.

HTH, Pat


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## apmammaof2 (Jul 12, 2004)

Hugs mamma!
Didn't read all your responses so this may have already been suggested. An ABSOLUTLY wonderful book
"Connection Parenitng" by Pam Leo
As PAm says
you are doing the best with what knowledge you have been given so far.
You realize there is a problem and you want to change the road you are on. That is the first step.


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