# Anyone Grappling With Extreme Guilt?



## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Since this is a natural-parenting board and prenatal testing seems to be disfavored, I may be the only one here with these circumstances. But maybe someone can relate or offer comfort nonetheless.

I can't get over this horrible feeling that I killed my little girl. And while we will never know for sure, I feel in my heart of hearts that the CVS test I had is why she died (early invasive genetic testing similar to an amnio for those who don't know). I am having so much trouble forgiving myself.

I just HAD to know if my child was perfect and healthy. And she was chromosomally perfect. But my need to know probably killed her. How do I reconcile this??? It is just eating away at me... why didn't I just have an u/s or blood test? Why did I have to have a needle poked into her placenta when she was only 11 weeks old??

Ugh. How can I live with this guilt and regret???

p.s. This is not meant to judge others who choose CVS or amnio tests. I just regret my decision and will always wonder if it is why she died.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

I'm so sorry. We all make the choices that we feel are the best for our families. They may not be right for everyone else. I really don't know what to say to help, but please be gentle with yourself.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

I've posted my story elsewhere as well, but yes, I do have a lot of guilt. I aborted twins at 6.5 weeks gestation because they were the high risk kind and I was too scared of what all of it meant for my family, my children, my husband, my body (I have some health issues that added to the stress) and the twins. Immediately afterwards, I wished I could go back and let nature take its course and to trust in my body, trust in my family, etc. You can't go back, you just have to move forward. There's also a lot of guilt in moving forward. I do take comfort in realizing that I did what I honestly felt was right at the time. It wasn't a frivolous decision. For you, it wasn't a frivolous decision either. Maybe it feels like it looking back, but at the time, you were probably thinking of your life, your marraige, your current and future children, and the baby that you were carrying.

You did what you could and you did it with the intentions of having a strong healthy family and baby. Next time, you'll make decisions that will help you heal. This has made you a stronger, better and more compassionate person.

I don't have your exact circumstances, no, but guilt, yes. I've been told by others (funny how they come out of the woodwork) that these feelings never go away, but you can learn to live with them and they won't take over your life. The other day, I went the whole day without crying and actually did some productive stuff that day. I cried that night because of the guilt of not feeling guilty for a whole day. The things we do to ourselves.

Try not to get overwhelmed with the "what-if's" There's just no way to win there. Even when you can't pinpoint exactly what causes the death of your fetus (I had a stillbirth at 27 weeks with no explanation), you can't help the "what-if's" But if you answer each "what-if" with a "It didn't happen that way" Or a "that would have been nice, but it didn't happen that way" Then, you can help to get your mind to move on. One "what if" can take up a whole day and make you feel nothing but anguish if you let it.








I'm so sorry for your loss
Lisa


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## labortrials (Aug 7, 2007)

If we "want" to blame ourselves, we can ALL come up with reasons. I wonder if the fact that I didn't completely give up coffee contributed to my losses. I wonder if I had pressed the issue of having my progesterone tested that my baby would have made it. I can find PLENTY - PUH - LEHN - TEEEEEEEE of reasons to blame myself.

Did you make a good choice? You'll NEVER know. You made a decision based on what you knew at the time and what was important to you. You can't PROVE that the CVS killed your baby. You can't prove that the CVS didn't lead to your miscarriage.









Remember too that your CP played a part in the decision-making process. What has he/she had to say about it all?????????


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## jessicasocean (Mar 21, 2008)

I live with overwhelming guilt. I was in the hospital in pre-term labor at 35.5 weeks, and I chose not to be induced, I thought that my son would be in NICU, and I didn't want that for my baby. If I had chose to, he would have been here, He died at 38.5 weeks due to an UBA. I was also at the DR on Jan 28th. I tried to tell the Dr that I felt that something was wrong, did I stress it enough??!!?? He passed on the 29th and was born on the 30th. I live those last few weeks over and over again. I am trying to find reasons that I made the right choices but I cannot seem to let that guilt pass. I know that if I had been given all the facts that my choices would have been different, but I wasn't. My therapist tells me that the guilt is my Dr's, not mine, but how can I not have it too? I am sorry that you are feeling this way. If you knew then what you know now, would you still have made that decision? No, you definatly would not, so, please try to find some sort of comfort in that.,(I need to take my own advice... lol)


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I wish I knew how to make the guilt go away. It always seems to lurk there in the back of your mind, no matter what anyone else tells you. I still haven't figured out how to get rid of mine so I just mostly try to ignore it. Mine is for a multitude of tiny things. One of those is the night before my daughter died I was making fun of old wives tales. And the one I centered on was the raising your hands above your head thing. So there I was prancing around the room waving my arms. My daughter's heart stopped sometime while I slept that night. It's really hard for me to think of that night.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

yes, I also think of every little thing that could be the reason, but we will never ever know for sure.







either way, we cannot win. we are not clairvoyant and can only make the best decision there and then. As said, be gentle with yourself.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

About two weeks before I my baby died my mil said to me (while I'm pouring myself some coffee) "have you heard the latest news about coffee causing late miscarriages?"
I love coffee, and probably do drink too much while I'm pregnant, I cut it down to about 4-5 cups a day. So, now I have all this guilt.








There's also a few other things I may have done b/c I felt all too comfortable with my 4th "uneventful" pregnancy. I too, like many of you keep re-living those last couple of weeks over in my head. I have researched, and totally beat myself up. It's not doing me any good, my daughter is still gone.
I do now realize how fragile life is and I won't ever take another pregnancy for granted again, mine or others!


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Thank you for all of your heartfelt responses. There is so much pain ... and yet sharing your experiences makes me feel less alone.

I have been using your advice Lisa, and reminding myself "but it didn't happen that way" when I start to go down the road of obsessive what-ifs. I have found it helpful. I can definitely obsess over one small thing all day if left to my own devices. We were running late on the way to the CVS and I keep having this fantasy, wishing that we'd gotten stuck in traffic and missed the app't (it was the only one for that month and so we couldn't have had the CVS if we'd missed it). Now I try to stop that sort of painful obsessing by simply reminding myself that it didn't happen that way.

I wish I could take all of our pain and grief, guilt and regret away.








In the end, no matter which choices we made, none of us intended to harm our babies (and most of us probably didn't). And even if my choice did, I have to work toward forgiving myself. So hard to do.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Oh mama, we all make the best decision we can with the information we have at the time









I'm beating myself up for not going on bed rest, even though my OB/GYN and the perinatologist said it wouldn't make any difference AND I'm a midwife & I've read those studies that say it won't make a difference. We all did everything we could, but I wish I'd done more. Sigh.

I'm trying fo hard to be kind to myself. Please be kind to yourself too.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think guilt is such a natural part of the mourning process. I know I spend months, alright, at least a year, wondering what I had done physically, as well as karmically, to lose my baby. You are not alone in that.


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## theretohere (Nov 4, 2005)




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