# Do you often cringe at other's parenting?



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Esp. when you overhear them talking to or disciplining their kids?

I don't say anything but it often makes me cringe when I hear the things some parents say to their little kids.

For instance, the other day a mom was trying to get her daughter's hair brushed and said "People will laugh at you if you don't let me brush your hair!"









I just find it so sad when I hear things like that.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Paeta16* 
Esp. when you overhear them talking to or disciplining their kids?

I don't say anything but it often makes me cringe when I hear the things some parents say to their little kids.

For instance, the other day a mom was trying to get her daughter's hair brushed and said "People will laugh at you if you don't let me brush your hair!"









I just find it so sad when I hear things like that.

I've had my less than stellar parenting moments myself, so, no, I don't cringe when I hear a parent say things I disagree with. No doubt if that same parent could overhear me 24/7 she would hear stuff that would make her want to cringe too.


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## lumom (Jan 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Paeta16* 
Esp. when you overhear them talking to or disciplining their kids?

I don't say anything but it often makes me cringe when I hear the things some parents say to their little kids.

Yes, I cringe sometimes, and sometimes I want to cry and my heart breaks when I hear children being belittled or spanked.







I sadly admit also, though, that I cringe at my *own* past parenting and even current parenting sometimes, too.







I try not to think of myself as any better than any other parent because we all make mistakes and have to learn and grow. My hope is that when we know better we do better.


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## Sasharna (Nov 19, 2008)

Sort of. I guess I will echo the PP in a way.

The other day I saw an adult demanding that a child with autism look her in the face while talking. The adult's voice was very gentle and it seemed very likely that she was doing something she believed to be correct and beneficial.

Now, I believe she is mistaken and to me it seemed that the child was increasingly distant and discouraged as the conversation progressed...but I know I can't really know. The part of me that is presumptuous enough to judge the situation feels sorrow for both parties. Then I go on to recall times that I've made demands of children without truly understanding what made them tick. I wonder how many mistakes I've made. When I see something that I view as unfortunate, my own errors--past and present--leap to the forefront of my mind. This is no decision of mine... I can't really help it. But I'm grateful for these thoughts. I see them as a kind of intellectual growing pain. I know I'm becoming a new person all the time... and hopefully so is everybody else.

I guess what I feel, more than sadness, is wistfulness. I wish we could all know what's best and then be free to make clear decisions based on that knowledge.

I don't feel hopeless about it though. I think we are living in an amazing time of change, and so many more people are trying to parent their children with authenticity and respect than even a generation or two ago. Our collective view of how to raise children is evolving quickly--and I believe it is improving.


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## Deer Hunter (Sep 26, 2008)

Oh, my God! This is so me also, but I'm the opposite of you in one aspect. My trouble is that I can't keep my mouth shut. I just tell them like it is because I feel like if I don't say something, I've just allowed an unjust act to continue, and i feel like I'm less than human when I allow an injustice to go on, such as allowing a parent to punk their child and take advantage because the child is too small or too scared to stand up to them. I don't mind my own business, at all.

How i intervene deeply depends on the situation. Sometimes, if it is not too bad, I'll ask the parent if i can help them in any way. There ave been times when a mom is sceaming at a toddler to shut the f--- up, I've said, "My, i see things are going rough right now." Then, I will offer the child a drink or toy--I carry a bag of trick to use at any time to calm upset children on the bus or wherever because some parents are not considerate of them and drag them all over the place at their leisure and without giving them naps and stuff--and i'll give it to the child. Then, I'll talk to the parent about how they feel and what I'd do and tell them I enjoy talking to them. If I see a parent beating the snot out of a child, i'll say, "Stop! What are you doing?! JCool it! You are going to kill the kid! Calm down!" And this is only when it gets really bad. Sometimes, I've called the police.

I feel that it is my job to intervene because I do not like emotional or physical abuse. I don't like parents hitting their kids, yelling at them, or putting them down or controling/forcing them to eat and do things they do not want to. And when they try to make kids fit a mold in society, such as telling boys to shut up, toughen up, and stop that darn crying, I get hot with anger. Boys can cry like anyone else. And they wonder why so many men become abusers.

I also dislike babywise people who insist on being rigid with their babes, such as a strict regimented feeding schedule and strict baby training as if to say they were on the same level as the dogs I have here and can do things when commanded. Please don't get me started on people's parenting. I can go on for hours, even days and years.

For awhile, i thought I was alone here on this forum. I thought I was the crazy one. But, i feel good that others are in the same boat. I feel better. Thanks for posting this topic. Thanks so much. I'm not alone anymore.


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## nonconformnmom (May 24, 2005)

I try not to judge. I'm a completely different parent now than I was with my oldest child, and I continue to re-evaluate my parenting and learn new and more effective ways of handling various parenting situations.

We're all learning - and sadly, we're all stuck with on the job training as we figure things out!


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## Daphneduck (Jan 22, 2009)

We all have our moments, so no, I seldom cringe. I mentally cringe when I see parents smack a child, or threaten or belittle them. I also cringe when I see super permisive parenting, though I have probably had those moment myself, too.


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## Ks Mama (Aug 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Paeta16* 
For instance, the other day a mom was trying to get her daughter's hair brushed and said "People will laugh at you if you don't let me brush your hair!"









I just find it so sad when I hear things like that.

Why? I mean... this example in particular... maybe it was a bit harshly phrased, but I think its appropriate to let your child know that other people may recognize that their hair isn't brushed. I wouldn't say "people will laugh at you", but I have said, as one of the reasons to brush your hair (along with the fact that brushing will keep your hair healthy & comfortable), is that it looks nice and helps to present a good impression.

I don't cringe at others' parenting unless its something really egregious. It's just too presumptious to do otherwise, IMO.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I've had my less than stellar parenting moments myself, so, no, I don't cringe when I hear a parent say things I disagree with. No doubt if that same parent could overhear me 24/7 she would hear stuff that would make her want to cringe too.

Exactly.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Not often. I'm usually too busy cringing at my own parenting to worry about the way others do things.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I usually only cringe when I see people hitting their kids in public. But today, I cringed at something far less than that. This mom and her kid (maybe 10 years old?) were in a waiting room and the mom kept yelling at her kid to do his homework. He said he couldn't figure it out and needed help so the mom told him "just do it...make something up". So the kid did and the mom said "that answer is wrong. Fix it". The kid asked why it was wrong and the mom said "it just is. Now fix it" and the kid started crying that he couldn't figure out the right answer. She just kept telling him to do it, and never helped him.







I cringed at that because the poor kid just wanted help.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Deer Hunter* 
There ave been times when a mom is sceaming at a toddler to shut the f--- up, I've said, "My, i see things are going rough right now." Then, I will offer the child a drink or toy--I carry a bag of trick to use at any time to calm upset children on the bus or wherever because some parents are not considerate of them and drag them all over the place at their leisure and without giving them naps and stuff--and i'll give it to the child.

PLEASE tell me you ask the parent before offering something. What if the child is allergic? Or even if what you offer is contrary to what the parents want? How would many of us feel if some random stranger offered our children things we wouldn't consider letting them eat? I don't have any problem with intervening to stop a child being mistreated, but at the point where you touch a child or offer them something, I think that crosses the line.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Not often. I'm usually too busy cringing at my own parenting to worry about the way others do things.

same here.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

i cringe at abuse (physical and emotional) and threats of abuse. I think these things should resignate negatively with us.


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## OGirlieMama (Aug 6, 2006)

I do, but then again, I cringed at some of the things I said to my kids earlier tonight while trying to get their jammies on, so I try to keep some perspective about the whole thing.


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## PlayaMama (Apr 1, 2007)

i do.

the mom across the street often tells her children to, "shut the f up before i f you up".

every time she does this i cringe. they also spank their 1 yo and tell the 5 yo a lot of damaging stuff.

i think it's pretty bad and i feel terrible for the kids. i still applaud the fact that she brushes their teeth twice a day and all 4 kids are always in clean clothes and i try to remember the times i've gotten frustrated with my own and yelled.

i'm not perfect by any means but when i hear hurtful mean things directed at children it hurts.


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## weliveintheforest (Sep 3, 2005)

I cringe sometimes when I hear something that reminds me of myself and I realize what I sound like. I very rarely hear things that make me cringe because they are totally awful, thank goodness.


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lumom* 
Yes, I cringe sometimes, and sometimes I want to cry and my heart breaks when I hear children being belittled or spanked.







I sadly admit also, though, that I cringe at my *own* past parenting and even current parenting sometimes, too.







I try not to think of myself as any better than any other parent because we all make mistakes and have to learn and grow. My hope is that when we know better we do better.

This is me as well. I am far from perfect, but of course I cringe at things I disagree with - such as spanking and belittling. I know a woman who often calls her son 'stupid' and her daughter a 'horrible little girl'. I am also big on emotion, so when I hear a baby or child crying and being ignored and called 'naughty and manipulative' because of it - it breaks my heart. There are other things too of course...like putting a 4 month old in a forward facing car seat and two year olds in boosters...but hey... I keep my judgments in my head.

I dont have the book as I have lent it out, but somewhere at the begining of 'Unconditional Parenting' - Kohn says something like: If you go to the playground and have a good listen, its just depressing. Very true.

Of course, I have to remember that I was in the dark as well at one point and still have my moments - I am raising myself as well (thank God for Aldort!)... But what really takes the biscuit is having a friend interested and willing to read such books like Kohn and Aldort - borrowing them from you and then just reporting back to you that they are just stupid. Knowing better and doing better just went out the window. Maybe they were not coninvinced ...I am still confused though how anyone can read those such books and continue to spank/belittle/etc...


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## CheekyLilMonkeys (Dec 11, 2008)

I do cringe but as others have said often at my own parenting too - when I've had really hard days I've said things and immediately wished I could take it back.

Even when something makes me cringe I try very hard not to judge, because I dont know what that child is like all the time, or whats been going on. I have a good friend with a daughter with a lot of issues. We took the children out for the day and her DD does this high pitched scream when she's unhappy or even excited as she's unable to talk yet. She was doing it most of the day, and then was really bad in the train on the way home. My friend was calm, gentle and understanding throughout the day. She kept it together on the train with everyone staring and shaking their heads. Finally when we got off the train she snapped and said "Would you just shut up!?" Her face immediately went bright red and I could see she was near to tears. NO way would I judge her as she has to handle that day in day out with no support as she's a single mum and she does a better job than I could.

Oh and if I was having a difficult day with my DS and he was in the middle of a meltdown in the supermarket and I was trying to handle it and someone came up and gave him a toy or a drink I would be quite annoyed at someone reinforcing that behaviour. I know it's meant to be helpful, but wouldnt help me or my DS.


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## NinaBruja (Jan 19, 2004)

oh god yes i cringe.
i cringe unapologetically.

the library is the worst place here, i saw one year old twins being slapped and yelled at. they werent even doing anything except trying to play with my youngest dd.

ive had less than stellar moments in public myself but i welcome others to cringe and notice theyre less than stellar parenting moments. i wouldnt want others making excuses for me and by extension my less than stellar behaviours.

admitting it is a problem is the first step to making sure we dont do these things.


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## amlikam (Nov 19, 2008)

I cringe - and cry at times... but I try to realize that at some point I will be faced with the true stresses of parenthood (right now I only have one who is just 7 months... so I am in the easy boat)

But I can't imagine ever saying "stop crying or I'll hit you" or "finish your food" (and there is a bowl of food bigger than I would eat intended for a child)

Spanking hurts me to think about- I come from an abusive home, and I would hope someone would call me out if they thought my parenting was inappropriate.

Sure I'd be p'd-off in the moment- but later when I reflect on it- I would hope I could see how they were right and I was wrong..







: I just hope I don't get to that point but if I do someone puts me in the time out I couldn't manage to give myself.

Reminds me of this summer when I went to the lake with my friend. We had stopped off at a store so she could look for some floaties. Well I told her I would stay in the car with the kids.

The windows were rolled down and we hear this woman talking in such an foul, profane and abusive manner I thought to myself "man if she was my wife I would divorce her!" Well imagine my distugst when I discover she isn't talkiung to her husband but really talking to her 5 yr daughter and 9 yr old son.

Oh it was just horrible the way she spoke to her children. Well I did the only thing I could do and stuck my head out the window and said- "oh excuse me you dropped some of your items" then turned up the radio (trying the whole redirection thing- which worked)

Well my DD who was 1mo at the time needed to nurse so I start nursing her- well the woman glances into the car and looks absolutely shocked and says "ugh some people!" and slams her truck door shut

I'm thinking to myself- *what?!*


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Super Glue Mommy* 
i cringe at abuse (physical and emotional) and threats of abuse. I think these things should resignate negatively with us.

Agree.

Before I had DS, I wouldn't have even noticed what was happening between a parent and a child.

Now I see things that break me heart and let me tell you, I am no softy.


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## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Not often. I'm usually too busy cringing at my own parenting to worry about the way others do things.

Me too. I want so much to be a better parent & I try so hard sometimes, but just get frustrated & lose it eventually. I don't call my kids names or hit them, but I have said stuff like 'settle the f*** down' in public after a really rough day. I don't think that makes me a horrible person or a bad parent, but obviously people disagree. My kids just continue to ignore me even then, so I'm pretty sure I'm not damaging them.

Once in awhile there is something I see that's so disturbing I can't forget about it, though. Like when ds2 was a baby & we were in Wal-mart. There was a mom & grandma with a newborn. A wailing newborn who obviously needed something. They pushed that crying baby all over the store in her car seat for at least half an hour, completely ignoring her.


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## Magali (Jun 8, 2007)

Yes. My SIL is always talking about how she needs to "crack" my nephews good once in a while







. I felt so rotten when I saw her slap my 10 year old nephew in the face, out of the blue, and even worse when she came up behind him and hit him on the back when he wasn't even looking or expecting a hit. I don't agree with physical punishment whatsoever, and those times I saw her lash out him unexpectedly have really made me lose a ton of respect and love for her.


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## Deer Hunter (Sep 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Evan&Anna's_Mom* 
PLEASE tell me you ask the parent before offering something. What if the child is allergic? Or even if what you offer is contrary to what the parents want? How would many of us feel if some random stranger offered our children things we wouldn't consider letting them eat? I don't have any problem with intervening to stop a child being mistreated, but at the point where you touch a child or offer them something, I think that crosses the line.


Absolutely I do ask. That follows after I ask the parent if I can help them or after I say that I see that things are rough. I'm blunt yes, but I'm less impulsive than before. They may be the worse parent on the block, but I want to get my foot in the door by showing them respect, and asking if I could give their child something is respect. If they feel like I'm disrespecting them, it would ruin my chances of ever educating them or engaging them in conversation, which is the whole goal. So, yes I absolutely do ask, as I'd like that done for me also.

I am from the south, and my father's family is from the south, so we see nothing wrong with outwardly helping like that and being hospitable. This may sound totally strange to you, but we hug the neighborhood children here all the time. People come up and talk to you about random things. Things are just more friendly here. A lot of us still have the open door policy, and we are all eager to share. People in the north, though, think you are strange just for saying hi to a kid just because it isn't yours or saying hi and being nice to a passer-by on the street. One person thought I had another motive all because I was being nice to him. I calmly explained that I liked being nice to people because it makes me feel good, and that settled it. I'm guessing it is all regional?

My BF and several of my friends who were born and raised up north want me to move up there with them. I don't think it would ever work because everything is so different--attitudes, people, lifestyle, and the like. I think I'd have a severe culture shock. While I have numerous friends who were born and raised up north, and while I can get along with people from multiple regions, and even countries, I myself could not live there. It is a nice place to visit though, but I do really stick out like a sore thumb with my southern draw and my demeanor that some would perceive to be overly friendly.

With the parents consideration in mind, I take the following precautions:

1. I ask the parent if I can give the child the drink/snack/toy or whatever is in my bag. I've never had a refusal. Most people in town know me as the lover of children. I have that reputation, so they almost expect it now.
2. All drinks, snacks, and candy are sealed, and I allow the parent to see this for themselves for their reassurance. I'd also want this done to me, especially if someone randomly offers my child something. This is where I absolutely understand parents wanting to be cautious, as they have to be sure everything is safe.
3. To answer another concern you raised, and a very good one at that, I always ask if the child is alergic. I'd hate to be responsible for the death of a child or a serious reaction.

Thanks for responding to my post. I always love your challenges/comments. It makes things interesting and puts some life into the discussion. Take care.


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## StarMom2 (Apr 29, 2008)

I was a much better "parent" before I was one. Now that I am struggling to be a good mom every day, I realize I have little right to critisize others. I realize how hard it is and I think the vast majority of parents honestly want to do the best they can for their kids. We can't expect perfection, only offer grace.


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## Tangled Hill (Jun 6, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *poxybat* 
oh god yes i cringe.
i cringe unapologetically.

the library is the worst place here, i saw one year old twins being slapped and yelled at. they werent even doing anything except trying to play with my youngest dd.

ive had less than stellar moments in public myself but i welcome others to cringe and notice theyre less than stellar parenting moments. i wouldnt want others making excuses for me and by extension my less than stellar behaviours.

admitting it is a problem is the first step to making sure we dont do these things.









:


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## Deer Hunter (Sep 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Devaskyla* 
Me too. I want so much to be a better parent & I try so hard sometimes, but just get frustrated & lose it eventually. I don't call my kids names or hit them, but I have said stuff like 'settle the f*** down' in public after a really rough day. I don't think that makes me a horrible person or a bad parent, but obviously people disagree. My kids just continue to ignore me even then, so I'm pretty sure I'm not damaging them.

Once in awhile there is something I see that's so disturbing I can't forget about it, though. Like when ds2 was a baby & we were in Wal-mart. There was a mom & grandma with a newborn. A wailing newborn who obviously needed something. They pushed that crying baby all over the store in her car seat for at least half an hour, completely ignoring her.


Oh, that makes my blood boil, too. I've talked about that many times on here--mothers who blatenly ignore their crying babies just to continue a conversation or to shop. People can take a break and find out what is wrong, not let it scream its lungs out. So sad. I hope that someone will have mercy on them when their old, dependent, and cannot speak. I'm careful how I treat others because from personal experience, I KNOW it comes back on you.


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## Sheal (Apr 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sasharna* 
Sort of. I guess I will echo the PP in a way.

The other day I saw an adult demanding that a child with autism look her in the face while talking. The adult's voice was very gentle and it seemed very likely that she was doing something she believed to be correct and beneficial.

I find this interesting...

I have an autistic child who is also neurologically deaf. I need her to see my mouth moving and hands moving for her to understand what I'm saying. Not all autistic people are low functioning either as you seem to describe this child in this situation. Seeing and knowing are two different things.

It saddens me that people just assume before actually having the facts. If that had been me and my daughter would you have assumed the same thing as I signed a simple universal look here at me hand gesture and spoke to her to look at me while I tried to talk to her as best as I can under her unique circumstances? The description I just gave you looks like any other parent with a hearing and "normal" child trying to get the child's attention...am I to think that I am being judged or assumed about because of this?


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## weliveintheforest (Sep 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Deer Hunter* 
One person thought I had another motive all because I was being nice to him. I calmly explained that I liked being nice to people because it makes me feel good, and that settled it. I'm guessing it is all regional?

I think this is a big over generalization. Maybe I'm being defensive as someone from the north, but I do not think people are nice, and friendly, in some parts of the USA and not nice in others. Maybe it's more of a small town vs city thing, or maybe its just the individuals you are meeting.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I have cringed at myself more. My dh says I cut other people far mroe slack than I do myself. It's hard to be all that you want to be sometimes. You're tired the kids are tired...you try and keep the blood sugars up, but sometimes things get away from us.

My own mother has apoligized to me for things I don't even remember happening. I just hope that will be true for my own kids.


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## Sasharna (Nov 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sheal* 
It saddens me that people just assume before actually having the facts.

It isn't clear to me whether or not you continued reading past the few sentences you quoted (from my first post), but perhaps I simply didn't communicate very well. If the latter is the case, I'm sorry.

Whatever the cause, the impression you've gotten is fairly close to the opposite of what I was trying to say. I was attempting to point out that, while my _initial_ reaction was to feel sad at what I saw, I also know that I cannot know the full story and I do _not_ feel comfortable judging those kinds of situations.

However, I am only one person and my thoughts--kind or unkind--are a mere drop in the bucket. I have no doubt that there are plenty of people out there who _will_ be judging your actions harshly when you are out in public (along with my actions and everybody else's). And yes... I think that's very sad. It's definitely a part of reality that I have a tough time accepting.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllyRae* 
I usually only cringe when I see people hitting their kids in public. But today, I cringed at something far less than that. This mom and her kid (maybe 10 years old?) were in a waiting room and the mom kept yelling at her kid to do his homework. He said he couldn't figure it out and needed help so the mom told him "just do it...make something up". So the kid did and the mom said "that answer is wrong. Fix it". The kid asked why it was wrong and the mom said "it just is. Now fix it" and the kid started crying that he couldn't figure out the right answer. She just kept telling him to do it, and never helped him.







I cringed at that because the poor kid just wanted help.









This is something that really bothers me too when I see some of my deaf friends treating their children the same way. I have butted in and told those mothers that she was being rude and she should have at least tried to help with their kids' homework. I mean, if I was not deaf and was able to hear like the rest of you, and heard this at any public setting, I would be upset but I doubt I would approach the mother and confront it but I definitely would give the mother the disgusted look.


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Not often. I'm usually too busy cringing at my own parenting to worry about the way others do things.


lol. Yep. I'm aware that people do things very differently. I usually only cringe if it's really really egregious, mean spirited- esp. if the parent appears calm (IOW they're not necessarily under stress, in the grocery line with three kids, etc.)
You never know how they really got to the point they got. Sometimes I set strict limits with my kids b/c it got to the point where we had to do x y or z. I would have thought it sounded nuts years ago if i heard it.

ETA: However, I will also admit that the "pushing around a crying newborn in a store while shopping" thing really does make me cringe. I don't get that at all.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sheal* 
I find this interesting...

I have an autistic child who is also neurologically deaf. I need her to see my mouth moving and hands moving for her to understand what I'm saying. Not all autistic people are low functioning either as you seem to describe this child in this situation. Seeing and knowing are two different things.

It saddens me that people just assume before actually having the facts. If that had been me and my daughter would you have assumed the same thing as I signed a simple universal look here at me hand gesture and spoke to her to look at me while I tried to talk to her as best as I can under her unique circumstances? The description I just gave you looks like any other parent with a hearing and "normal" child trying to get the child's attention...am I to think that I am being judged or assumed about because of this?

I was wondering if you're willing to take up ASL (american sign language) classes to communicate with your child to make it easier for you and your child so that your child don't have to feel uncomfortable making eye contact with you but can see what you're signing.

I'm saying this because I'm deaf and if a hearing person tried to make me to lipread the person's lip, I'd turn defensive and ignore the person.


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## Ruthie's momma (May 2, 2008)

I cringe...and, I judge...despite trying to avoid being judgemental. But, when I see a parent do something that is so obviously wrong, how can I not judge?

I have been witness to only one event that was serious enough to be unabashadly judgemental. I was able to stop and stare at the mother/perpetrator long enough that she noticed me and immediately began laughing and playing with her child (in an attempt to mitigate what she had done?). I was in Target, doing a last minute Christmas wrapping paper run, when I saw a mother yell at her young babe (he was sitting in an infant car seat, in the shopping cart), "If you don't stop crying, I am going to hit you!" She yelled this so loudly, that several people heard her. Based on her response to my stares, and the stares of others, I can only hope that this woman happened to be caught during an extremely difficult moment of parenting. And, this was not her typical response to her child.

Otherwise, I get very irked when I hear any child crying and being ignored. I don't believe any crying child, be they a week old or 7 years old, should be dismissed. I don't want my cries to go unnoticed. And, I am an adult with well developed coping skills.

I fully understand that I am catching a mere glimpse of any parent-child relationship, when in public. But, I can't help but wonder; if some parents are willing to yell at or ignore the cries of their children in public (for all to see), than what might they be willing to do in privacy?!?!


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

Deer Hunter, I ADMIRE you and I wish there are a million of more people like you. I know that if we ever cross path and you seeing me saying/doing things to my daughter that is harmful, I would be upset at first when you stepped in but then I'd eventually thank you for it. Keep on what you're doing!


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## PlayaMama (Apr 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *poxybat* 
oh god yes i cringe.
i cringe unapologetically.

the library is the worst place here, i saw one year old twins being slapped and yelled at. they werent even doing anything except trying to play with my youngest dd.

ive had less than stellar moments in public myself but i welcome others to cringe and notice theyre less than stellar parenting moments. i wouldnt want others making excuses for me and by extension my less than stellar behaviours.

*admitting it is a problem is the first step to making sure we dont do these things.*











Quote:


Originally Posted by *VroomieMama* 
Deer Hunter, I ADMIRE you and I wish there are a million of more people like you. I know that if we ever cross path and you seeing me saying/doing things to my daughter that is harmful, I would be upset at first when you stepped in but then I'd eventually thank you for it. Keep on what you're doing!



















and, keeping this on discussion. sure, we all have our moments, but you know what, i have NEVER told my child i would f--- them up and if i did i would hope that i would drop to my knees and beg forgiveness. not utter it day after day after day after day in my front yard or in my house loud enough for the entire neighborhood to comment on it.

i will admit that i wish that woman had more resources. yes her kids are clean and fed. does that excuse her from being emotionally abusive. nope. and i think that if she were to admit it, she'd be able to get help, but very obviously, she sees nothing wrong with it.

so, yeah, i cringe.


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## umsami (Dec 1, 2003)

When it's physical abuse or threat of physical abuse, yes, absolutely I cringe.

When I hear parents swearing at their children, I cringe.

When I hear parents say that they hate their children or don't love them, I cringe.

But I also cringe thinking back over some of the things I've said or done.


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

Not usually, but every once in a while I do. I remember at a Renaissance festival, a little boy ~3 poked DD with a wood sword in the back. Not hard, but the mom should've dealt with it. But the mom grabbed the boy and swung her hand as far back as possible to hit him in the rear end pretty hard. I audibly gasped and looked shocked and she stopped before making contact. (Thank goodness)

Most of the time though I think about my less than stellar parenting moments and move on.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hazelnut* 
lol. Yep. I'm aware that people do things very differently. I usually only cringe if it's really really egregious, mean spirited- esp. if the parent appears calm (IOW they're not necessarily under stress, in the grocery line with three kids, etc.)
You never know how they really got to the point they got. Sometimes I set strict limits with my kids b/c it got to the point where we had to do x y or z. I would have thought it sounded nuts years ago if i heard it.

*ETA: However, I will also admit that the "pushing around a crying newborn in a store while shopping" thing really does make me cringe. I don't get that at all.*









When DD was brand new, I was in pain for the first month or so and I *had* to do my shopping with her in the cart. I don't remember her crying but she prolly did.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalaland42* 
When DD was brand new, I was in pain for the first month or so and I *had* to do my shopping with her in the cart. I don't remember her crying but she prolly did.

I've seen/heard people pushing around their crying babies, too, and been irritated/disgusted. But sometimes I wonder if they're just super colicky and crying all the time, and then I think, "Well, at least they're not shaking them!"


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## LauraN (May 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Not often. I'm usually too busy cringing at my own parenting to worry about the way others do things.









:


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hazelnut* 
ETA: However, I will also admit that the "pushing around a crying newborn in a store while shopping" thing really does make me cringe. I don't get that at all.










Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalaland42* 
When DD was brand new, I was in pain for the first month or so and I *had* to do my shopping with her in the cart. I don't remember her crying but she prolly did.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fuamami* 
I've seen/heard people pushing around their crying babies, too, and been irritated/disgusted. But sometimes I wonder if they're just super colicky and crying all the time, and then I think, "Well, at least they're not shaking them!"

When dd was first born, she cried all the time (especially from 11 pm to 3 am every night - non-stop, and there was _nothing_ that helped). I did have to shop a couple times, and I pushed her in a cart. I was recovering from a c-section and couldn't wear her yet...and there were a few times when she cried, and cried, and cried. I'd have loved to pick her up, but it didn't help, and it wore me out. I _needed_ to get finished and get home, so we could _try_ to get her settled.

I hated it. I was so glad when I could wear her. She still cried, but not quite as much...


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## Devaya (Sep 23, 2007)

I do cringe, but this doesnt mean I dont cringe at my own parenting too. Actually when I feel uncomfortable with what another parent is saying/doing, i try to use it as an opportunity to reflect on my own parenting values and what I want to avoid/focus on. The main thing I find difficult at the moment is screaming babies being ignored completely, parents who CONSTANTLy say 'be careful' (so often as to be meaningless) as their child is doing something normal like climbing on a climbing frame, and parents threatening and shouting in public. BUT i have already done loads of things I would've judged parents for, on a bad day, so now I really try to be less judgmental in my head (I wouldnt say something aloud unless it was clear cut abusive) and give the parent the benefit of the doubt.Mostly th ough I just feel sorry for the child who is on the other end and quite helpless to know there are other ways of doing things.


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

True, I guess that just goes to show that you still can't judge. It's just sometimes though they seem so _unbothered_ by it, shopping for something like shoes, ya know? But yeah, maybe they had just had it. One never knows.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
When dd was first born, she cried all the time (especially from 11 pm to 3 am every night - non-stop, and there was _nothing_ that helped). I did have to shop a couple times, and I pushed her in a cart. I was recovering from a c-section and couldn't wear her yet...and there were a few times when she cried, and cried, and cried. I'd have loved to pick her up, but it didn't help, and it wore me out. I _needed_ to get finished and get home, so we could _try_ to get her settled.

I hated it. I was so glad when I could wear her. She still cried, but not quite as much...


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## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

Im also too busy cringing at my own parenting. Theres only been a few times that I have really cringed at someone elses. One was in my own family. One of my own inlaws has a little girl that she drags all over the place with her. We went to Disneyworld as a family reunion and she dragged that poor child all over the place morning, noon and night. She kept her up till 1-2am and then wanted her to wake up at 5-6am so she could eat breakfest and go to the park. Finally the little one was so exhausted she peed the bed (the child was 5 1/2 at the time) and her mother just yelled and yelled at her. Finally my MIL stepped in and pulled the child out of the room. It made me really upset and I started getting teary eyed for the child (pregnancy hormones aren't my best friend).

Other than situations like that where the parent had no consideration for the child I try not to judge. I wouldn't want people judging me because they don't see my children every day and night. My 3 month old cries about everything, happy, sad, mad, hungry etc, she cries. Im always getting dirty looks from people who dont' know her cries because it sounds like Im ignoring her and letting her cry when in actuality shes excited about something she sees or shes happy to be around her sister etc. Im sure my neighbors think I let her cry but the kid is ALWAYS "talking". When she starts using regular words I don't think Ill be able to keep her quiet for a minute.


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## smibbo (Jan 14, 2009)

I don't cringe.

if I truly feel like the parent is diong something "wrong" then I'll step in; a kind word, an understanding ear, an offer to take the child off their hands for a moment.

Most of the time I just assume I don't really know the situation at all.

And about the making an autistic child look? It's part of the therapy. Sorry if it seems mean to other people but that's what you have to do. Making them look at you is simply part of their behavioral therapy. It's supposed to be done a certain way and with certain timing but it needs to be done. And beleive me, autistic kids can be just as stubborn if not more stubborn than neurotypical kids about ignoring you when they want to. As a parent, I dont' think its unreasonable at all to make demands of kids. The world makes demands on all people, including children. Part of growing up is learning to deal with that. Who better to learn it with than your parents who will love you no matter what?


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

It depends on what they are saying or doing. I have saved showering after swimming for home several times at the Y because there was a mother who was always smacking her kid and screeching at him to get himself ready and it just was to much for me to stand listening to. But sometimes parents do need to tell a child how their choice is going to affect their lives, people do treat ungroomed children differently, nobody of any age or profession wants to sit next to the child who rarely bathes, other kids think bad thoughts about kids who throw themselves on the ground a scream when they are in the store, it is also considered rude not to use polite words and a polite tone when you talk to friends and I think that as children get older they can handle knowing this and they can make more informed decisions based on having this knowledge.


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## Deer Hunter (Sep 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VroomieMama* 
Deer Hunter, I ADMIRE you and I wish there are a million of more people like you. I know that if we ever cross path and you seeing me saying/doing things to my daughter that is harmful, I would be upset at first when you stepped in but then I'd eventually thank you for it. Keep on what you're doing!










Thanks so much for your kind words. I want people to tell me up front and honestly when I'm doing wrong, too. I have Asperger's Syndrome, so sometimes, I will do things I'm unaware of because it is my perception of the world. It really upsets me when people will allow me to continue my wrongdoing just because they want to be nice and don't want to hurt my feelings. To me, this is not being a good friend or being nice. It is not helping me at all. Helping me would be telling me what I am doing is wrong, explaining how and why, and then we'd talk about how to do things better next time. Just passing me up and looking away is not right.

I remember that one day, my zipper was down, I had a smudge of toothpaste on my face, and some dirt on the hem of my jeans. A friend of mine allowed me to walk around all day without telling me until I eventually found out for myself. And yes, I was upset. I asked her why she did not say anything, and she said she did not want to hurt my feelings. I told her she hurt me more by allowing me to walk around making a fool of myself. I also told her that from now on, I wanted her to be up front with me. She's really working on it and doing a nice job.

I wish the world would consist of more sympathetic people, too. The problem is that you are looked down on for caring. Too many people mind their business too much, and it leads to heartbreaking things that could have been prevented if someone had stepped in.


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## Deer Hunter (Sep 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthie's momma* 
I cringe...and, I judge...despite trying to avoid being judgemental. But, when I see a parent do something that is so obviously wrong, how can I not judge?

Exactly! I cannot have sympathy for something that is blatenly horible.

I have been witness to only one event that was serious enough to be unabashadly judgemental. I was able to stop and stare at the mother/perpetrator long enough that she noticed me and immediately began laughing and playing with her child (in an attempt to mitigate what she had done?). I was in Target, doing a last minute Christmas wrapping paper run, when I saw a mother yell at her young babe (he was sitting in an infant car seat, in the shopping cart), "If you don't stop crying, I am going to hit you!" She yelled this so loudly, that several people heard her. Based on her response to my stares, and the stares of others, I can only hope that this woman happened to be caught during an extremely difficult moment of parenting. And, this was not her typical response to her child.

She was going to hit her infant?! Is she crazy? He wouldn't even understand why he was being hit! I don't believe in hitting a child at all, but it is so amazing at what some parents woudl do. What is she doing in private? I think she would be doing worse. I say this because after being caught, she was putting on a show in playing with her baby. It was all just an act. This is a situation where I'd call the county sheriff saying that I suspect abuse. And I would not be appologetic either. I have no sympathy for people like that.

Otherwise, I get very irked when I hear any child crying and being ignored. I don't believe any crying child, be they a week old or 7 years old, should be dismissed. I don't want my cries to go unnoticed. And, I am an adult with well developed coping skills.

Me either. I think it is horrible to just dismiss the cries of a baby. Try to make them feel better at least. It isn't that hard. I wonder why they just don't take a little precious time out of their hurriedness and comfort that hcild. What if the situation was on the other foot? They were disable or elderly, and their cries were ignored for the caregiver's convenience? That would be bad.

I fully understand that I am catching a mere glimpse of any parent-child relationship, when in public. But, I can't help but wonder; if some parents are willing to yell at or ignore the cries of their children in public (for all to see), than what might they be willing to do in privacy?!?!

This is exactly the same thing I think, too.


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## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

I don't think cringing at someone else's parenting and having "not so stellar" moments yourself have much to do with each other. I agree with the PP who said that she hopes others would point out to her if she got too out of line with her kids.

For the PP who said that kids need to know that people think of them differently if they are not groomed...

Bathing is one thing but not having your hair brushed is another. Besides, there are ways to get the job done without using outside influences and belittling your child. The child was only 2 or 3 years old...so what if her hair wasn't perfect?!









I am not a perfect parent by any means but I am constantly learning. When I see/hear people being harsh I feel bad for the child...period.


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## MilkTrance (Jul 21, 2007)

I don't like it when parents yell at their children or expect too much at too young of an age. Spanking I have never witnessed so I cannot tell you what I would think of that.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Yes, I cringe at other parenting, but most often I cringe at my own.


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## KaylaBeanie (Jan 27, 2009)

I'm not a parent, but I cringe/stare when I see spanking or yelling. I was spanked, as were my siblings, and while I'm okay and suffer no permanent damage, I do remember being very young and scared my mom was going to spank me, so I've committed to never raise a hand to any child. So obviously it breaks my heart a little when I see poor little kids getting hit


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## lumom (Jan 9, 2005)

Some of the things said in this thread made me think of these really good articles by Jan Hunt. I think she has a really good approach to intervening on behalf of children.







Intervening on Behalf of a Child in a Public Place, Part 1: Is It Our Business? Intervening on Behalf of a Child in a Public Place, Part 2: What Can We Do?


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## Sheal (Apr 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VroomieMama* 
I was wondering if you're willing to take up ASL (american sign language) classes to communicate with your child to make it easier for you and your child so that your child don't have to feel uncomfortable making eye contact with you but can see what you're signing.

I'm saying this because I'm deaf and if a hearing person tried to make me to lipread the person's lip, I'd turn defensive and ignore the person.

I already know ASL. I am hearing impaired while my daughter is deaf. I lip read myself and have no issues with having to (but that's my comfort zone, we all have different comfort zones). My daughter is only 3 years old and still learning, albeit very slowly, how to sign and catch words by lip reading (not all that well and it's more of a she sees my lips moving so she knows I'm speaking rather than lip reading).

Can I ask something off topic of you Vroomie? Growing up, did your friends ever try to get you to eaves drop on conversations with lip reading? I found that to be one of the most annoying habits of my own friends when they found out about my impairment and ability to lip read.

As for my other comment, I did read the post entirely but misunderstood it. My apologies (can't remember user name). I didn't realize that you had meant the complete opposite of what I read into it.









Touche by the way, it is reality and it's a sad one that this day and age people judge before they want to help. People are so afraid of reaching out now that it's almost seems better to avoid in discomfort rather than to help in comfort. If that makes sense any.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Paeta16* 
I agree with the PP who said that she hopes others would point out to her if she got too out of line with her kids.

I guess I'm in the minority on this one. On those occasions when I got out of line with ds1, I didn't find public correction to be even a little beneficial...to me or to ds1. I was under tremendous stress during those days, and was well aware that I was losing it when I did. Having some random person in a store get on my case just added more pressure, and didn't help the situation at all.


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## wondertwins (Oct 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ks Mama* 
Why? I mean... this example in particular... maybe it was a bit harshly phrased, but I think its appropriate to let your child know that other people may recognize that their hair isn't brushed.

Yes I cringe, and at this example because it's telling the child she should base her decision on hair care on what others think of her, not very Montessori I'm certain.

Why does it seem that because we ourselves have less than stellar moments, we should excuse them from others? If someone overheard me saying something like this to one of my children, I do think they should call me on it. Why lower the bar? There is an ideal and just because it's difficult to live up to does not make it less worthy. If we all worked to help one another, or in the worst of instances, let parents know that their actions were being noted and judged, I think it could only be beneficial to children.

I hope that we are not becoming desensitized because we have moments when we are less than ideal parents. Some children are counting on the fact that learned adults are judging their parents abusive practices.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wondertwins* 
Why does it seem that because we ourselves have less than stellar moments, we should excuse them from others? If someone overheard me saying something like this to one of my children, I do think they should call me on it. Why lower the bar? There is an ideal and just because it's difficult to live up to does not make it less worthy. If we all worked to help one another, or in the worst of instances, let parents know that their actions were being noted and judged, I think it could only be beneficial to children.

Sorry, I missed whether you want to help parents or whether you want to let them know that their actions are being noted and judged? While feeling as though you have a jury following you around might help your parenting, it's not beneficial to me, and most people I know don't do _anything_ as well with a judgmental audience, including parenting. Some of my absolute worst parenting moments have been when I was having a moderately bad parenting moment and some well-meaning person chose to butt in and put on even more pressure. It was not, in any of those instances, in any way beneficial to ds1...not even a little bit.


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

yes, i do cringe, sometimes uncontrollably outwardly. im often totally horrified by how people can behave toward their kids. yes, i do judge. we all have less than steller parenting moments-i was That Mom snapping at her kid for spilling water at the kids play area the other week. i cut alot of slack. you never know what someone's situation is, but there's a line. some of the "parenting" i've seen is just too awful NOT to be cringed at.


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## phrogger (Oct 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *smibbo* 
I don't cringe.

if I truly feel like the parent is diong something "wrong" then I'll step in; a kind word, an understanding ear, an offer to take the child off their hands for a moment.

Most of the time I just assume I don't really know the situation at all.

And about the making an autistic child look? It's part of the therapy. Sorry if it seems mean to other people but that's what you have to do. Making them look at you is simply part of their behavioral therapy. It's supposed to be done a certain way and with certain timing but it needs to be done. And beleive me, autistic kids can be just as stubborn if not more stubborn than neurotypical kids about ignoring you when they want to. As a parent, I dont' think its unreasonable at all to make demands of kids. The world makes demands on all people, including children. Part of growing up is learning to deal with that. Who better to learn it with than your parents who will love you no matter what?

Thank you for saying that. Some people don't understand and frankly, I would rather them ask me or talk to me then assume that there is something sinester going on.

We used to take my son into walmart because that was his trigger. So loud and bright. He would just have fits if we were there too long. So we eventually pushed it and got him to focus on other things and really worked at it. We did it in other places/resturants etc. Lots of eye contact, lots of redirections, lots of praise for being able to handle things. It took a lot of work, but in the end, he is 9 and no longer has sensory triggers. We can take him just about anywhere with no issues at all. A huge change from when he was 3, but boy did I get those dirty looks and stares.

So because of that, I try to assume the best of people. Unless there is abuse (physical or verbal) I just can't assume I know the whole story. And if nothing else, I am quick to offer help if I see a parent with kids who are having a rough time. Like "do you need help with your cart while you are carrying your kid out " (if they are trying to carry their kid out, not saying I would put that idea in their head.)


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## Double Dip (Jan 18, 2009)

Most of the time I would think they are having a bad day unless I felt it really was hurting the child or if my children were observing the parent/child behavior then we'd talk about it.

So yes sometimes I cringe and sometimes I do judge and I use it often as a topic of conversation for my twin girls so they can learn from others as well as how I feel about certain behaviors...

A few specifics- Let's say a mom gives her child at playgroup a cookie for a snack and I packed a granola bar that day for whatever reason and they ask me why "Austyn" is having a cookie and they are having a granola bar. My response would be her mommy knows what is best for her - no judgement at all BTW - my kids get plenty of snacks. This works too for times where I do pass some judgement - like if they see another child standing up in a shopping cart and ask why they can't. I say the same thing - his mommy knows what's best for him and (me) their mommy thinks it is safest to sit so they can't fall - (me) their mommy knows what is best for them.

They have done it too now (commented on someone else's parenting choices). Last summer at the zoo we were in the parking lot. Our rule is we ALWAYS hold hands in a parking lot. There was a child (age 2ish) walking so far behind 2 women talking that I paused since the women were so engaged in conversation and the child was so far back I wasn't sure if she was their child or not. I wondered if maybe she was lost as she was in this fairly big parking lot and very young to be walking alone. One of my girls said pretty loudly - mommy why isn't that girl holding a grown up's hand? before I could answer one of the moms heard this and stopped to let the little one catch up. At the same time before the mom stopped my other dd responded to the question and said - I guess her mommy knows what is best for her and shrugged. I couldn't help but smile at my three year olds assessment of the situation.

There have been many times at the park where we have witness both child behavior that I consider inappropriate as well as child/parent interactions that are very opposite of my values - I cringe and we talk about them. My girls do well standing up for themselves as what they think is right as a result. I am pretty proud of that.


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## Daphneduck (Jan 22, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Double Dip* 
.

My response would be her mommy knows what is best for her - no judgement at all


What a great response! I'm going to use that, I think.


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## nj's_mom (Jan 13, 2009)

Yes, I do. I'm a younger mother (18) and am constantly striving to fight that stereotype- not to prove anyone wrong, but to be the best mother to my child. I do my best to educate myself to what is in her best interest, and act on that knowledge within the context of my parenting. When I see other mothers (young and old) either caring too little to educate themselves or being just too ignorant to care- smoking around their kids or while pregnant, feeding solids in a bottle at a crazy young age, practicing CIO, going out and leaving their babies with a sitter constantly, not stimulating and nurturing their tiny minds and bodies- it really, really bothers me, and it's hard not to be judgemental. I've been fighting myself on this issue a lot lately.

Obviously we all make mistakes- we're all human- but there's a difference between doing your very best and sometimes slipping up, and ... not.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Deer Hunter* 

I am from the south, and my father's family is from the south, so we see nothing wrong with outwardly helping like that and being hospitable. This may sound totally strange to you, but we hug the neighborhood children here all the time. People come up and talk to you about random things. Things are just more friendly here. A lot of us still have the open door policy, and we are all eager to share. People in the north, though, think you are strange just for saying hi to a kid just because it isn't yours or saying hi and being nice to a passer-by on the street. One person thought I had another motive all because I was being nice to him. I calmly explained that I liked being nice to people because it makes me feel good, and that settled it. I'm guessing it is all regional?

My BF and several of my friends who were born and raised up north want me to move up there with them. I don't think it would ever work because everything is so different--attitudes, people, lifestyle, and the like. I think I'd have a severe culture shock. While I have numerous friends who were born and raised up north, and while I can get along with people from multiple regions, and even countries, I myself could not live there. It is a nice place to visit though, but I do really stick out like a sore thumb with my southern draw and my demeanor that some would perceive to be overly friendly.

Just a note - I was a northeasterner and now a southwesterner. Considering the amount of abusive parenting you seem to be observing first-hand, no I would not think to generalize that good will and friendliness are regional.

I am out and about all the time. I have never heard or seen any parenting that would warrant an intervention.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

As an answer to the OP - I am usually too busy keeping my own act together.


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## SmoothieMom (Feb 12, 2009)

I cringe, but then I think others might cringe at me too. I believe what I am doing is the right way to raise a child, I think they they what they are doing is the right way.

It's kinda like religion in a way, I believe in God, some people don't believe in anything, others in Budda or Allah. We are all doing what we believe is right.


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## stacyann21 (Oct 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Magali* 
Yes. My SIL is always talking about how she needs to "crack" my nephews good once in a while







. I felt so rotten when I saw her slap my 10 year old nephew in the face, out of the blue, and even worse when she came up behind him and hit him on the back when he wasn't even looking or expecting a hit. I don't agree with physical punishment whatsoever, and those times I saw her lash out him unexpectedly have really made me lose a ton of respect and love for her.

This made me cringe. It sounds like abuse mama.

I tend to err on the side of caution with making judgments about others' parenting (afterall my own is certainly nowhere near perfect) but of course there are times when neglect or abuse is evident and it can be very heartbreaking. DB saw a woman slap her toddler in the face after telling her to "Shut the f*** up!". I wasn't there but I absolutely would have intervened in that case.


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## Happiestever (May 13, 2007)

I used to cringe. Now I cringe at myself. I think it's not until you can appreciate the differences and learn from them, that any one really grows.
I hear myself judging all the time, but I am not always the parent I want to be, and I would be mortified if someone came up and said anything in one of my less that shining moments. We all can learn from these moments. We are better parents because of the mistakes of others, I know I certainly learned what not to do from some.


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## felix23 (Nov 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Deer Hunter* 
Absolutely I do ask. That follows after I ask the parent if I can help them or after I say that I see that things are rough. I'm blunt yes, but I'm less impulsive than before. They may be the worse parent on the block, but I want to get my foot in the door by showing them respect, and asking if I could give their child something is respect. If they feel like I'm disrespecting them, it would ruin my chances of ever educating them or engaging them in conversation, which is the whole goal. So, yes I absolutely do ask, as I'd like that done for me also.

I am from the south, and my father's family is from the south, so we see nothing wrong with outwardly helping like that and being hospitable. This may sound totally strange to you, but we hug the neighborhood children here all the time. People come up and talk to you about random things. Things are just more friendly here. A lot of us still have the open door policy, and we are all eager to share. People in the north, though, think you are strange just for saying hi to a kid just because it isn't yours or saying hi and being nice to a passer-by on the street. One person thought I had another motive all because I was being nice to him. I calmly explained that I liked being nice to people because it makes me feel good, and that settled it. I'm guessing it is all regional?

My BF and several of my friends who were born and raised up north want me to move up there with them. I don't think it would ever work because everything is so different--attitudes, people, lifestyle, and the like. I think I'd have a severe culture shock. While I have numerous friends who were born and raised up north, and while I can get along with people from multiple regions, and even countries, I myself could not live there. It is a nice place to visit though, but I do really stick out like a sore thumb with my southern draw and my demeanor that some would perceive to be overly friendly.

With the parents consideration in mind, I take the following precautions:

1. I ask the parent if I can give the child the drink/snack/toy or whatever is in my bag. I've never had a refusal. Most people in town know me as the lover of children. I have that reputation, so they almost expect it now.
2. All drinks, snacks, and candy are sealed, and I allow the parent to see this for themselves for their reassurance. I'd also want this done to me, especially if someone randomly offers my child something. This is where I absolutely understand parents wanting to be cautious, as they have to be sure everything is safe.
3. To answer another concern you raised, and a very good one at that, I always ask if the child is alergic. I'd hate to be responsible for the death of a child or a serious reaction.

Thanks for responding to my post. I always love your challenges/comments. It makes things interesting and puts some life into the discussion. Take care.


I am from the south, but it would really bother me if someone offered my child, food, drinks, or candy. Even if you asked me first I would say no and then I would have to listen to dd whine and cry even more because I won't give it to her, and it would just make my day worse. First of all Lilly only drinks water, which we have at all times. Second, I don't usually give her a lot of snacks because if I do she won't eat any food at meal time . If I do want her to have a snack, I'll have it with me. And lastly, candy, um no thanks, it turns her into a wild maniac. And about toys, usually the reason she's screaming through a store is because I won't buy her a toy.

Lilly is one of those children who gets over her screaming fits faster if I just ignore her, so having a stranger come up and try to help would just make it worse. So it may appear that I am ignoring my crying child (and believe me she can look pitiful) but if I tried to talk and reason with her it would just make it worse.


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## sweetpeppers (Dec 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ann_of_loxley* 

I dont have the book as I have lent it out, but somewhere at the begining of 'Unconditional Parenting' - Kohn says something like: If you go to the playground and have a good listen, its just depressing. Very true.

I can't stop cringing some days when I go out. Children are treated pitifully. I can't go to the grocery store without hearing some baby wailing while the mother serenely peruses the 20 kinds of tomato sauce. I can't go to the park without hearing some mother threatening her kid. Some days I just go home so depressed.


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## TripMom (Aug 26, 2005)

I cringe at myself more! Its so hard to consistently parent the way I want to. I find that the cacauphony of many kids is what breaks me . . .


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## [email protected] (May 24, 2005)

Occasionally, yes.

A few weeks ago we were in the waiting room for the pediatrician, and a little boy probably about 7 or 8, who was clearly _really_ not feeling well. He had on a sweatshirt over a turtleneck, and kept taking the sweatshirt on and off and on and off and on and off as people would come in, and wind would blow in, or he'd get flushed and sweaty from being sick. His mother was on her cell phone the whole time, and kept pausing in her conversation (about sales at some shoe store!) to *scream* at him for not sitting still. Finally she grabbed him and told whoever she was on the phone with that she had to "take him into the bathroom to teach him a lesson."

I just shot her the look of death and loudly made a snarky comment about how I hate when parents use threats of physical harm to bully children.

Not one of my finer moments, but I really felt for that little boy.


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## ErinsJuneBug (Nov 21, 2006)

It happened.

I was reading this thread the other day and i couldnt think of a situation where i had been judgemental.

Welp.... listen to this

Valentines day we went to dinner and then went to the mall to walk around. DD was looking at this indoor jumpy thing so we stopped to look with her. I heard a baby crying and this women pushed her stroller next to me to wait while her SO was getting a smoothie. The baby was MAX 2 months old and hysterically crying, and she wasnt so much as talking to him. I smiled at her and said "Oh he's so cute - i know they put in some comfy couches right over there if you need to nurse or feed him."

She says. "Naw - he's always hungry. He's such a pig i JUST fed him an hour ago." She then shut the umbrerlla over his car seat/stroller thing and he just continued to scream and she did absolutly nothing - but stood there watching the jumpy thing right next to us.

I just walked away and DH took the hint and quickly followed. I was almost in tears.


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## laura163 (Sep 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Not often. I'm usually too busy cringing at my own parenting to worry about the way others do things.

And I am so busy keeping everyone safe, I barely notice the rest of the world.


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I've had my less than stellar parenting moments myself, so, no, I don't cringe when I hear a parent say things I disagree with. No doubt if that same parent could overhear me 24/7 she would hear stuff that would make her want to cringe too.


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## CanidFL (Jul 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *felix23* 
Lilly is one of those children who gets over her screaming fits faster if I just ignore her, so having a stranger come up and try to help would just make it worse. So it may appear that I am ignoring my crying child (and believe me she can look pitiful) but if I tried to talk and reason with her it would just make it worse.

Yeah that. DS is one of those children that does best when ignored if he is having a meltdown. I'm sure I look like th worst mom ever to some people









I don't think I ever really judge others but I have never witnessed abuse either. If I did see abuse then I would be quick to judge and feel just awful for that child. The comment the OP made doesn't bother me all that much. Some people value looks more than others







I would never say that to my child but I don't judge another mom for saying that to her daughter.


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

I normally try to mind my own business, but about a year ago I had a lovely coworker who loudly told her 8 YO daughter over the phone that if her kid brought home a hamster, she'd kill it. She'd do stuff like that a lot (she treated her coworkers just as nicely as her kid, too). Really niiiice lady.









I didn't say a word to her, but I didn't feel too bad either that I lost her as a cube neighbor when I left the company. Nor did I feel terrible when I heard she was recently demoted, lost a bunch of money in a house scam, and forced by the company to relocate so she had a 2-hour commute. I'm not normally one who believes in karma (except in my own life), but I couldn't help feeling greater forces frowned upon this woman for a reason.


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## Ivan's Mom (Jul 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllyRae* 
I usually only cringe when I see people hitting their kids in public. But today, I cringed at something far less than that. This mom and her kid (maybe 10 years old?) were in a waiting room and the mom kept yelling at her kid to do his homework. He said he couldn't figure it out and needed help so the mom told him "just do it...make something up". So the kid did and the mom said "that answer is wrong. Fix it". The kid asked why it was wrong and the mom said "it just is. Now fix it" and the kid started crying that he couldn't figure out the right answer. She just kept telling him to do it, and never helped him.







I cringed at that because the poor kid just wanted help.









That is so freaking sad







People can really be mean.

I often cringe at myself and occasionally at others. One that sticks out is a little girl was patting the back and smiling in the face of a baby and the little girl's mom said in a very stern voice, "Leave her alone!!!! You have your own baby sister!!!" WTH? She was being sweet to the little baby.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

No, but only because I've been around long enough to have made plenty of mistakes myself. Frankly, the longer I've been a parent and the more I've had to deal with, the more compassion I have for other parents.

Too bad I find it more difficult to apply that compassion to myself.


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Paeta16* 
Esp. when you overhear them talking to or disciplining their kids?

I don't say anything but it often makes me cringe when I hear the things some parents say to their little kids.

For instance, the other day a mom was trying to get her daughter's hair brushed and said "People will laugh at you if you don't let me brush your hair!"









I just find it so sad when I hear things like that.

Some moments are soo out of place yes but over all no. Any typical morning you could here me saying these exact wors to my DD even in a tired sounding condecending voice but if you knew our whole back ground you would know its a playful joke DD and I have. She'd follow it with yes they will say look she has PICKLE hair (some other made up funny in her mind phrase).

Deanna


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## ShadowMoon (Oct 18, 2006)

I work at a zoo so I've witnessed many cringe worthy moments. It amazes (and saddens) me to watch many of these parents and their children interact. On a daily basis I see children yelled at, talked down to,hurried along, not listened to, or completely ignored. You would think a zoo outing is supposed to be enjoyed for the child's benefit. *sigh* (There are alot of exceptions to these however and I am certainly prone to cringe worthy moments myself).


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

I was in the grocery store the other day and I saw a mom and her kids. she was asking the girl to get something off the shelf and every time she got the wrong one the mom said "no" in a very mean voice as if the girl were stupid - but was very nice once the girl picked the right item.

I couldn't help but think that it wasn't all bad, but that simply being nicer about helping her figure out the right item would have changed it to a much better experience for the girl. Seems like the kind of thing that would create feelings of uncertainty and fear of leadership, where as helping the child nicely find the right item would have IMO taught her that she can do anything if she doesn't give up.

I also saw a mom standing at a busy intersection with a 2-3 year old, not holding the childs hand. now, my children NEVER run off from me, but I still hold their hands at busy intersections if we are walking. worse off, this parent was ignoring the child as I watched the little girl make several attempts to "connect" by showing her mom things and her mom didn't even look at her.

what it comes down to is, yes it makes me cringe, yes maybe im taking it out of context. thats why I dont say anything to them. I have my opinion on what I saw as I saw it and I'm sure others have opinions of me about what they saw as they saw it. It doesn't bother me what people think in that way. I just look at it in a "I wouldn't do that" kind of way (and I haven't - but maybe I have done OTHER things that set examples for other parents for things that they wont do with their own children) The parents doing it may not notice it but its not a big enough deal for me to point it out. If I see a parent hitting a child I do speak up though. that does more then make me cringe.


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## kalisis (Jan 10, 2005)

You know, I'm so much more understanding now that I'm a single, work outside the home mom who is often tired and rushed and barely hanging on by a thread. I am often not at my best at the end of the day or when we're sick and all have to go to the dr's office (for a visit I know I can't really afford) or after a long weekend of worrying about whether their dad will abduct them again and I'll have to go through days and days of court proceedings to see my children again that costs me a ton of money I don't have.

I wish I was the perfect parent, the perfect person, the perfect whatever. But, I'm not. I'm just a mom, trying to do my best every single moment of the day and often, I fall far short of my own high standards. Unfortunately, that's what my kids get - a mom who is busting her butt to make the best life she can for them away from an abusive, controlling husband and it's not always pretty.

I do not condone any kind of violence toward children and I believe that spanking/hitting/cursing are inexcusable. I have said something to a mother who was spanking her 4 or 5 year old son. I stand up for what I believe is right.

But, I've more often than not, especially lately, been on what many would consider the "bad" end of the spectrum and I'm sure that if there were any moms in my hometown on MDC, they'd be here, kabitzing about what a bad parent I was. At the end of the day, I am accountable only to myself and my kiddos and I have to make peace with the mistakes I have made and I pray that my children will forgive me for the harsh words or lack of patience I sometimes display.

And I would hope that other moms would give me the benefit of the doubt and just for a second, dwell on the fact that I might be tired and overworked and scared to death and that doesn't always translate into the best of parenting.


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## lovingmommyhood (Jul 28, 2006)

People in glass houses...


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

..shouldn't throw stones

and neither should people in brick houses or any other kind of house for that matter.

I think that making a judgement on _things_ as they appear to be (not on the person) has helped me as a parent though. It gives me an outsider veiw of interactions between adult and child. I can see how the child responds to some things, I can see how some words/actions _could_ possibly be hurtful. It makes me explore myself as a parent and ask myself how *I* would like to hand similar situations, so I can make an effort in that direction if I am ever in the same situation.

I am sure the lady at the grocery store who asked me if I cut grapes for my DD who was eating grapes didn't think I was being very responsible. instead of being rude of defensive or "oh don't judge me!" I sought out more info and decided I SHOULD be cutting grapes still at this age as an extra safety precaution and now that is what I do.









When I saw the girl at the corner with her mom I thought - I should make sure to continue to hold my child's hand even though they don't run into the street just in case. I thought, if my child wants my attention, especially if I'm not busy, I should pay attention to them. It would be hurtful if someone blatantly ignored me, and I don't want to do that to my children. Now, perhaps this women is very aware, and would grab and stop her child if she tried to run. Perhaps she didnt hear her DD trying to get her attention. I dont know. im not judging *her, I am just observing her and her DD's interactions and deciding that ideally that is not something I would like to do myself. Same for the mom in the grocery store who appeared to be talking down to her child. maybe she wasnt. I wasnt judging her, I was judging (if thats the word you want to use) the way things appeared so I could ask myself what _I_ would do differently, what _I_ think would be best for _my_ children. Is she a bad mom because it _looked_ like she talked down to her child?No. Even if she WAS talking down to her child, would that make her all bad? No (but her actions wouldnt be good in that scenario), _but_ I think it makes me a better *me* (in comparison to myself and my potential, not in comparison to her) for me to notice that and decide "I will make an effort to be encouraging of my children, not talk down to them"

Yes I am judging *actions* _as they appear._ not the person. and not because I want to feel like I am better then them, but because I want to learn ways to be a better version of myself. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with that. What would I gain from making excuses for a person I don't even know and am not ever going to talk to? "maybe this, maybe that, maybe its not as it appears" I already realize that. but I don't care how it appears and how it really is. What I'm focused on is "if it were really as it appears, what would I want to do differently in that scenario that would make me feel good about _my_ choices?" and what I would do in the scenario, very well might make another parent cringe and ask themselves the same question. so be it. they can learn from me what they think would work best for their family the same way I can learn from others what might work best for my family.

While I personally would NEVER butt in unless a child was being physically hurt, I personally don't mind when other people butt in with me. Truthfully, I do feel offensive at first. but in the end, its only ever _helped_ me. To reevaluate and find out - you know what they are right (like the grape thing) or to find out - actually, I was right about what I did. its a shame they don't know more about xyz (babywearing comes to mind).

some comments are annoying... to be honest though it gives me something to vent about later and let off some steam. probably what is bothering me isn't even really that comment but something else. I am then able to figure out what has really been under my skin lately. better that I get irritated by a strangers comment and it comes out that way then get irritated with my children or husband or friends.

So, while I may not "call someone out on it" when I make my "judgements" because I realize it may not be as it seems, I am not offended (in the long term) if someone says something to me. initially defensive, yes, but in the end I think its a good thing. and I think its good I can learn more about what I would like to do in a situation by looking at the way something appears, instead of excusing the behavior with a long list of what ifs. I'm sure one of the what if's are right, but it doesnt help anyone grow as a parent if thats how I think. If I think what I would do different, it helps me grow as a parent.

so, I'll keep carrying my stones around... my little rock collection... but no matter what kind of home I live in I don't throw them (at least not at other people) but maybe I'll throw them against a tree in my backyard or something. no harm done to them.


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## Janelovesmax (Feb 17, 2006)

I used to cringe when my baby was an infant and I read all these parenting books and thought that I know how to discipline correctly, what to do and what not to do.
Well, my DS is 3 1/2 and I have done/said so many things I wish I haven't done or said when it comes to discipline, that I don't dare to cringe at anything anymore.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

I cringe at myself when I do things I wish I hadn't - then I look for a better way







I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "I wish I handled that different" and then working towards doing so in the future. or to look at someone else and say "I think I would prefer to do it xyz way if I were in those shoes" which prepares you for when you are in those shoes. while you may still fall short when that time comes, you started off one step closer then where you would "ideally" like to be. so then when you "fall short" you just pick yourself back up and say "okay, that didnt work, what should I try next time? what might work instead?"

I guess I take the route of constant self growth (because MAN DO I NEED IT!) instead of constantly excusing myself. I wouldn't say I'm hard on myself. I forgive myself, I do have some regrets, but mostly I just use these "cringe worthy" experiences as a chance to grow as a person. (whether I'm cringing at my own actions, or the way other peoples actions _appear_ - knowing full well it might not be that way - but why focus on what excuse or reason there may be when I can focus on what *I* think would be a better approach (for *my* family) that I could use if ever in that same situation.


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## PlayaMama (Apr 1, 2007)

i've been thinking about this a lot lately and what i've come up with is this:

when i do things that negatively affect my children i am a bad mom. when others do things that negatively affect their children they are bad parents too.

it doesn't mean that i am a bad mom all the time, in fact, i'm probably only stressed out enough to be a bad mom about 5% of the time and the rest of the time i'm a darn good mom!

it's still there and to justify it or say i'm doing the best i can is fine, it may even be the truth, but it certainly doesn't make it excusable for me to negatively impact my children's mental or physical well-being. and i think that if we continue to excuse it that we are just perpetuating the problem.

i can still strive to be better and so can everyone else. there's nothing stopping any of us from being better parents.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

I always hope they're coming here later to post in the _parenting and rage_ thread, or to start a thread of their own about what an awful day they had and how bad they feel about it.

I've had a couple of incidents I wish I could erase.









But there are sometimes things outsiders can't understand. Our therapist unlocked something that had never occurred to me with dsd when she was having 'accidents' in public all the time and causing huge scenes that sometimes culminated in store managers bringing her a wheelchair and people offering to call an ambulance.







We had a couple of trips to the ER and several scares in addition to the things we saw through when the therapist told us she was trying to recreate the constant trips to the hospital her bio-mom had due to all her suicide attempts when dsd was very small and didn't have a clear understanding of what was happening.









The only way we could handle this was to reassure onlookers that she was fine, and tell her to get up and stop the hysterics. I'm sure we looked perfectly _awful_ to anyone who didn't know what was going on, and it was very embarrassing at times, but after a few months the incidents stopped completely.

I'm much more embarrassed about the times I lost it and yelled at home. I really don't care about a bunch of _strangers_, yk? It's having to face the people you see every day after you've been a perfect @$$ that is the worst, imo, and knowing you've said something they'll carry around forever no matter how many times you say you're sorry.









I think those of us from dysfunctional families know how damaging that is, and have to work the hardest not to repeat our parent's mistakes, even though you'd think it would be easy to avoid them.


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

_I'm much more embarrassed about the times I lost it and yelled at home. I really don't care about a bunch of strangers, yk? It's having to face the people you see every day after you've been a perfect @$$ that is the worst, imo, and knowing you've said something they'll carry around forever no matter how many times you say you're sorry._

That's a very good point, and I agree.
Even though I do see stuff that I think is cringe-worthy, it's so true that there are so many situations that outsiders just wouldn't get.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PlayaMama* 
i've been thinking about this a lot lately and what i've come up with is this:

when i do things that negatively affect my children i am a bad mom. when others do things that negatively affect their children they are bad parents too.

it doesn't mean that i am a bad mom all the time, in fact, i'm probably only stressed out enough to be a bad mom about 5% of the time and the rest of the time i'm a darn good mom!

it's still there and to justify it or say i'm doing the best i can is fine, it may even be the truth, but it certainly doesn't make it excusable for me to negatively impact my children's mental or physical well-being. and i think that if we continue to excuse it that we are just perpetuating the problem.

i can still strive to be better and so can everyone else. there's nothing stopping any of us from being better parents.

ITA with this, obviouisly lol







- but not so much that you are a bad mom just that us good moms sometimes do bad things.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *bigeyes* 
I always hope they're coming here later to post in the _parenting and rage_ thread, or to start a thread of their own about what an awful day they had and how bad they feel about it.

I've had a couple of incidents I wish I could erase.









_But there are sometimes things outsiders can't understand._ Our therapist unlocked something that had never occurred to me with dsd when she was having 'accidents' in public all the time and causing huge scenes that sometimes culminated in store managers bringing her a wheelchair and people offering to call an ambulance.







We had a couple of trips to the ER and several scares in addition to the things we saw through when the therapist told us she was trying to recreate the constant trips to the hospital her bio-mom had due to all her suicide attempts when dsd was very small and didn't have a clear understanding of what was happening.









T_he only way we could handle this was to reassure onlookers that she was fine, and tell her to get up and stop the hysterics._ I'm sure we looked perfectly _awful_ to anyone who didn't know what was going on, and it was very embarrassing at times, but after a few months the incidents stopped completely.

I'm much more embarrassed about the times I lost it and yelled at home. _I really don't care about a bunch of strangers, yk?_ It's having to face the people you see every day after you've been a perfect @$$ that is the worst, imo, and knowing you've said something they'll carry around forever no matter how many times you say you're sorry.









_I think those of us from dysfunctional families know how damaging that is, and have to work the hardest not to repeat our parent's mistakes, even though you'd think it would be easy to avoid them._

I totally understand this point of view. I came from a family like that and so did DH and its very hard not to repeat mistakes, and it happens. you have to forgive yourself. I, like you, really don't care what strangers think. I am so sorry your dsd went through that and for the stress it must have caused your whole family during those episodes. It may have looked aweful to others, but who cares? you knew what was right and what was really going on and perhaps there are onlookers (like me) who aren't standing there judging you but rather thinking to themselves what they would do in that situation (that situation as it appears, not as it actually is) and perhaps you helped them grow as a parent because of them seeing that ya know? as for being embarrassed what I do when things go less then perfect is remind myself that it happens to EVER parent. I know when I see a parent with a tantrumming child I think back to that day at the mall with DD or that time at the water park with DS1 and I think - thank god its not my turn! and when it was my turn I was thinking - this is okay. its just my turn to be "that person" today. It's not a reflection of my parenting. that kind of thinking, while the situation was still hard, did help me.

People are going to judge. it happens. we can't change the way they judge. maybe some ladies here never judge and just try to be compassionate. if im going to talk to the person I'd be compassionate, but if im biting my tongue I tend to just look at it and think what approach I could use if it were me that would work for *my* family and respect *my* values.

Had I witnessed what you described I would have imagined what to do in that situation as it appeared. who knows what I would do in that situation as it really was, but I still would have gained something from witnessing it. of an outsider, I obviously wouldn't "get it" but it would still help me as a parent. hope that makes sense. FTR what you described isnt the kind of thing that I would cringe at anyway, but even if a person does cringe at it, so what! like you said, they couldn't possibly understand! but maybe they can walk away with an idea how they would handle what they perceived the situation to be, in a way that suits _their_ family.

I guess I just see my own embarrassing cringe worthy moments as educational for myself and bystanders alike, just in different ways. perhaps this approach just saves my sanity in the way thinking up reasons or excuses may save the sanity of other mothers here. we all have a different way to deal - but I don't think just because someone "judges" a situation as it appears that it means they are trying to be high and mighty - though, im sure some are - but those people don't matter either. no one does. we all just need to worry about our own families. some people don't do that. and some people do that by thinking up reasons, and some people do that by thinking how they would do things differently...

(hugs) for all your family went through.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PlayaMama* 

when i do things that negatively affect my children i am a bad mom. when others do things that negatively affect their children they are bad parents too.

I disagree. When you do something that negatively affects your child, you are not a "bad mom." You are a human mom, who has done something that negatively affects your child. You may indeed need to change, you may indeed need to admit it hurt your child, it may be accurate to say that what you did was wrong. But you are not a bad mother. And other parents I encounter who do things I think are hurtful to their kids are also not bad parents. They, like I, are muddling through life and parenting doing the best they can given their lifetime of (and immediate) circumstances, information, and skills.


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## AutumnAir (Jun 10, 2008)

I think most of the cringing I did was before I became a parent!

Now, even though my DD is only 13 months old, I've already done and said things I always swore I would never do. But I've also, in many ways, been a better parent than I would have thought I would be too.

The best parent in the world does things they're not proud of when circumstances get beyond their control. Try dealing with extreme sleep deprivation, illness in yourself and child, family problems and yada yada other stuff and there are times when you'll snap and say or do something that you'll regret the next instant.

The other thing I try to keep in mind is that not everybody sees things the way that I do. Another more 'traditional' parent could very well look at me, APing, BFing (ENing now I guess, lol!), BWing and all that stuff and 'cringe' at my bad parenting, because they genuinely believe that kids need 'tough love' or to be independent, or whatever. I do the best I can for my child by my standards and with the information and resources I have, and they do the same for their child too. The type of parenting might be totally opposite, but the intent is good in both cases.


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## Whistler (Jan 30, 2009)

This has been an interesting thread. Like many on here, I find myself cringing less and less and I have had my many moments!

The thing that most makes me cringe is parents ignoring their children. It drives me nuts, especially when their children are pushing MY children down in the playplace like happened tonight. GRRRR!!!

It seems to me that I seldom hear parents yell at their children, I NEVER see parents hit in public. It just isn't done here they way I guess it still is in the south. I rarely hear parents swear at their children. I do see a lot of good parenting out there. But the thing that really bothers me is when someone's child is rude or aggressive to my child and the parent doesn't even TRY to do anything about it. If they notice at all, they might half-heartedly yell across the playground, "Don't push!" and then go back to their laptop or their conversation. There is no teaching, no interaction, no manners. I find that frustrating.

it is something different entirely if a child pushes or hits and the parent is there working with them.... be it whatever style they use. At least they are trying to teach.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

oh man, swearing! yeah we here a lot of yelling and swearing here. I once had to go out my front door and tell a mom to keep it down (she was yeling for about 20 minutes at her kids sitting outside who I guess missed the bus for school.

And cursing - my last neighbors used to be the "give a millions warnings, then threaten to hit" and used to yell thing such threats across the apartment complex - saying things like "I'm going to f'in hurt you" (but using the actual word). it was very sad









whatever they were doing wasn't working. I know kids get into trouble no matter what but with these kids it was constant. stealing from k-mart (bit items too? and at 12yo!) and taking all these little things out of the air conditioners all around the apt. complex that makes them work so no one had air conditioning. they also threw away their school clothes once and then said they saw a bum steal their laundry. and the grafitti... the list goes on. very public too, like if you said "how are you" it was "I had to ground my son for xyz"

a lot of people called them "bad kids" but I just saw kids who needed some love and discipline (without violence)


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

oh man, swearing! yeah we here a lot of yelling and swearing here. I once had to go out my front door and tell a mom to keep it down (she was yeling for about 20 minutes at her kids sitting outside who I guess missed the bus for school.

And cursing - my last neighbors used to be the "give a millions warnings, then threaten to hit" and used to yell thing such threats across the apartment complex - saying things like "I'm going to f'in hurt you" (but using the actual word). it was very sad









whatever they were doing wasn't working. I know kids get into trouble no matter what but with these kids it was constant. stealing from k-mart (bit items too? and at 12yo!) and taking all these little things out of the air conditioners all around the apt. complex that makes them work so no one had air conditioning. they also threw away their school clothes once and then said they saw a bum steal their laundry. and the grafitti... the list goes on. very public too, like if you said "how are you" it was "I had to ground my son for xyz"

a lot of people called them "bad kids" but I just saw kids who needed some love and discipline (without violence)


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## ginadc (Jun 13, 2006)

I'm definitely cringeworthy as often as I'm cringing, these days...

While I understand the need people feel to help out, I have to echo PPs who have said they would be frustrated by "interventions." I'm not talking about situations of clear abuse, of course--but it drives me absolutely bonkers when some well-meaning person tries to "intervene" when we're out and about having "issues."

We have friends who do this, actually. They are very kind and sweet people, but they overstep sometimes. Their son is in day care with our DD (both 3yo), and we are often at events or out to play together. More than once, when my DD has had a tantrum or otherwise been acting out, one of her friend's parents will say, "Oh, A, do you want a snack?" and start to get one out for her. I know they're trying to redirect her and calm her down, but our approach is not to reward tantrums by offering treats. (I may try to *prevent* one by making sure I offer snacks early on before behavior gets out of hand, but once you start throwing fits, you don't get a cookie to try to convince you to stop.)

It frustrates me because they don't ask me--they just start to offer, and then I have to say, "No, we don't reward A for having a tantrum" --and the fact that she's not getting a treat then can make the tantrum worse.


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## BugMacGee (Aug 18, 2006)

I'm sure I've been the subject of cringing. Especially at the store. Frick, it's difficult and frustrating to shop with my girls at their current ages (2.5 and 5). And I have to. I have no choice but to take them or we don't eat. AND, it's almost always after work so I'm tired.

My fellow shoppers don't have the benefit of seeing what goes on the other 99% of my life. Just that my kids are trying to kill themselves by standing up in the cart, run the cart into giant pyramids of wine, pinch each other, grab sweets off the shelves, announce they have to go potty in a busy check-out line etc.

I try to have a little sympathy, because I truly believe we've all had those moments.


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## Elizabeth2008 (Nov 26, 2008)

while the example you gave definitely rubs me the wrong way (such reckless parenting to make children worry more about what 'other people' will think of the way they look), but generally i try not to judge too much lest all of my comments and actions were being judged!! The only thing that would really upset me is abuse, physical or emotional.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *[email protected]* 
Occasionally, yes.

A few weeks ago we were in the waiting room for the pediatrician, and a little boy probably about 7 or 8, who was clearly _really_ not feeling well. He had on a sweatshirt over a turtleneck, and kept taking the sweatshirt on and off and on and off and on and off as people would come in, and wind would blow in, or he'd get flushed and sweaty from being sick. His mother was on her cell phone the whole time, and kept pausing in her conversation (about sales at some shoe store!) to *scream* at him for not sitting still. Finally she grabbed him and told whoever she was on the phone with that she had to "take him into the bathroom to teach him a lesson."

I just shot her the look of death and loudly made a snarky comment about how I hate when parents use threats of physical harm to bully children.

Not one of my finer moments, but I really felt for that little boy.









What are you talking about, not one of your finer moments? I think you deserve a medal!







That woman was totally in the wrong. I hope she got so embarrassed for being called on her abusive actions in front of all the other patients in the waiting room that she just slumped back into her chair and didn't say a word the rest of the visit. Little kids need more advocates like you to stand up for them. Way to go!







:


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
No, but only because I've been around long enough to have made plenty of mistakes myself. Frankly, the longer I've been a parent and the more I've had to deal with, the more compassion I have for other parents.

Too bad I find it more difficult to apply that compassion to myself.









I'm the total opposite. I used to get along with everybody. Now I hate most people that I see in public with kids because most of them are mainstream and they treat their kids like I wouldn't treat a dog. Talking harshly to them, belittling them, grabbing them roughly, hitting, spanking, slapping, pinching, and just constantly making their lives stressful. Children are human beings, too. We adults are in situations involving other adults every single day which would be satisfying to put said adult in their place, but we don't. Kids do far less to anyone, in general, and yet they can be treated worse than criminals. I blogged about this yesterday, actually. "Being Gentle with Kids part 1"


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## SunShineSally (Jan 18, 2005)

I judge way to much but I also am not pefect I try so hard tobe understanding but I am way to judgemental. I have called the police on parents and CPS on two people.
I called the cops because someone left their child in a car in a parkinglot in the dead of summer so hot that the poor little girl (who I can still see her little wet face







) I waited until they showed up I was cring myself I even tried to open the door but they had locked it and child locked it so she could not get out! I am not kidding it was over 85 degrees and we have nasty humidity here! I called the cops again on a mother who I saw slap and kick her little boy who was not even 3 I mean kick in the back!!!!!!!!!!! full force I am suprised that the child even lived (ohh and they both happened in the same parking lot







) I gave them her plate # I do not know if they ever did anything but. I couldn't not do anything.

I do cringe when people are just down right nasty. No one is perfect by any means but I TRY not to be rude or what not to Ds. We all have our days like today I was less than nice to Ds a few times he has been so so so so whinny and cring over everything I tried to ask him what is makeing him so upset lately and he has nothing to say. So I said things that I would have given parents a dirty look or comment to. I said ohh I thought I had a big boy not a baby! Yes I did and I felt horrid after the words came out. I said to Ds that I was sorry that I was just upset that he kept whining and that he is a big boy. But being my judgemental self I judged myself and still to this moment cannot believe I stooped to that level and said that to my Ds.

My ramble is done now sorry!


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## tree.in.the.hole (Jan 5, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PlayaMama* 
i'm not perfect by any means but when i hear hurtful mean things directed at children it hurts.

i feel the same way.

whenever i hear something hurtful said to a child, i am more focused on the child. my heart just goes out to the child and i always try to say "i know what that feels like" with my eyes...

for me, i don't judge the parents. we are all doing the best we can, given our own experiences and our own self-education...

but i know, that some of the hurtful things a parent says in a stressful moment, stay with the child for a lifetime...


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## burke-a-bee (Jan 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Not often. I'm usually too busy cringing at my own parenting to worry about the way others do things.









:


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## tropicaldutchtulip (Jul 26, 2007)

I didn't read all the responses, but YES!!!!! I do cringe a lot! I usually end up telling DH!


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## Annapooh (Jan 20, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nonconformnmom* 
I try not to judge. I'm a completely different parent now than I was with my oldest child, and I continue to re-evaluate my parenting and learn new and more effective ways of handling various parenting situations.

We're all learning - and sadly, we're all stuck with on the job training as we figure things out!









I am so different with dd-7 than with dd-15 and ds-13... I am always looking for better more effective ways to do this job of mommy, but now, I am wondering how to undo some of the "damage" I did with my words so long ago. I feel like my relationship with the older two is good, but I can see sometimes that my "sins of the past" are affecting today. I cringe sometimes when I see others' parenting, but, I have to remeber when my figurative finger is pointing at someone else, there are three pointing back at me. I personally find that the things I like least in other (dd-15 comes to mind) that there is something that comes back to what I don't like about myself, or my hopefully former self.


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## summerbabe (Nov 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I've had my less than stellar parenting moments myself, so, no, I don't cringe when I hear a parent say things I disagree with. No doubt if that same parent could overhear me 24/7 she would hear stuff that would make her want to cringe too.

Oh, boy, that was my first response, too! I've had a couple of really challenging days with my 2.5 y.o.--I've been sick and he's been uncharacteristically oppositional and whiny--so when I first read this, the first thing that popped into my head was "Well, I often cringe at MY parenting!"









But to the OP, yes, I do feel sad when I hear parents saying mean things.


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## pomplemoose (Dec 28, 2008)

I think we all have our moments, and i think we all cringe at parenting we dont agree with. My own and others. I have a tendency to have a short temper after the 50th time im asked something and i almost immediately feel bad about what i've said. Luckily over the years its gotten better and i think im much more patient now, i know that mothering has helped me to see my problems a lot more clearly. im trying to be the best gd mommy i can. and i think that others should try too


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## SunShineSally (Jan 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pomplemoose* 
I think we all have our moments, and i think we all cringe at parenting we dont agree with. My own and others. I have a tendency to have a short temper after the 50th time im asked something and i almost immediately feel bad about what i've said. Luckily over the years its gotten better and i think im much more patient now, i know that mothering has helped me to see my problems a lot more clearly. im trying to be the best gd mommy i can. and i think that others should try too


I also believe that comeing here to MDC helps to keep myself in check, with my patience and what and HOW I say stuff. Not only to Ds but with my Dp and others.


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

I can really only recall one moment that left me cringing/crying/gape mouthed in shock.

I was in The Store That Must Not Be Named when I saw a little boy, perhaps 2? Saying "Mommy." more than once, then all the sudden the mother just reached out and SLAPPED the baby. HARD. Like head snapping back sharp loud noise HARD. I stopped dead in my tracks, my jaw dropped and I just stared at her in shock trying not to cry as the little boy just SOBBED. She glared at me, rolled her eyes, snapped at the little boy to shut the f up and walked away. If I weren't on a schedule (I was there after work, had to get home so DH could get to work) I would have stalked her and got her plate number and called DHS on her.

It's really only the truly abusive stuff that leaves me upset...


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