# i'm scared, i don't think i can bear this weight anymore



## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

i feel really scared today. i just don't think i can hang on anymore. i'm NOT suicidal and i don't want to die but i also don't feel like living anymore.

i thought i was getter better, i thought i was grieving "right". i read about grief, write about my own grief, listen to sad songs, i immerse myself in my grief and then i have also been eating right, taking walks, etc. all to make sure that i heal appropriately.

but it's not WORKING!

i had a better week last week but i'm thinking now that it seemed better because i had dh's grandma with us so i was busy doing puzzles, playing board games, talking with her. now that she's gone it's hit me really hard again. she's coming back again tonight for the week but now i wonder if constant company is just making me hold back and then it all comes flooding when i'm alone again.

i feel like i'm suffocating. in fact, i know i am. i'm just being smothered. i think i have accepted that matthew is gone and i'm not getting him back but now the EMPTINESS is so #*&(ing HEAVY.

i can't stop crying either. i was crying a few times a day last week but now i'm drowning in tears. I AM JUST SO SAD.

i'm also scared because i read all these babyloss blogs and i see women who lost their babies months, YEARS ago STILL saying that it doesn't get better, the grief is still there.

how in the hell am i supposed to live months and years like this??? i just can't do it. i want to be better in a few months. i want it to go away.

AND MOST OF ALL I WANT MY BABY BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! oh god, if someone could just let me smell his head one more time.


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## starling&diesel (Nov 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
i had a better week last week but i'm thinking now that it seemed better because i had dh's grandma with us so i was busy doing puzzles, playing board games, talking with her. now that she's gone it's hit me really hard again. she's coming back again tonight for the week but now i wonder if constant company is just making me hold back and then it all comes flooding when i'm alone again.


I am so sorry for your loss, hon ... I saw this on the main page and couldn't help but at least offer you a hug.









I cannot imagine what you are enduring right now. I do think, though, that it's ok to need people around you right now. There is no timeline for grief.

God bless ...


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

While the grief never goes away, you do learn do live with the pain. I ache for the loss of Isabel, it sometimes almost hurts to not be holding her in my arms, but yet that feeling is a part of who I am now. You learn to occupy yourself to lessen the feeling of loss, you learn to look back and not feel as sad, you learn to talk about your baby without crying. We all have good days and bad days. Currently I am doing OK, but I've just moved house and part of me wonders if Isabel's soul has followed us to the new house, OK so she spent longer in the hospital than at the house, but still I wonder if part of her has stayed there.

Don't try to get through weeks or months, simply deal with each day as it comes and slowly you will get through a week, and a month, and eventually a year.

Once it was confirmed Isabel was brain dead I was determined to get pregnant again as soon as possible, what helped me deal with the grief was the knowledge that every single day that passed was a day closer to me holding a baby in my arms.


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## claireb (Apr 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
i feel really scared today. i just don't think i can hang on anymore. i'm NOT suicidal and i don't want to die but i also don't feel like living anymore.

I have felt this way many times before...it is so hard...for me it's like a feeling that living hurts too much and I don't feel like enduring the suffering anymore, but I'm also not willing to do anything active to end it (suicide). I'm so sorry that is how you're feeling emotionally right now.







I wish I could help. I just had to respond because it's obvious that you are in acute pain right now...it's palpable.

You talk about your grieving...I'm a therapist, and it sounds to me like you are doing all the "right" things...writing, crying, letting others support you, exercising, eating well...but sometimes grief is bigger than we know how to handle, despite what we do. Have you considered professional grief counseling? That is my strong recommendation, given how much pain you are in...

Again, I am so sorry that you are feeling so horribly awful...I hear the desperation in your voice. Believe it or not, your post screams of "grieving right"...the hints of denial, wishing desperately he were back in your arms, the anger, the rage...all of that IS healthy grieving. It sucks so much, there is no way to describe the pain, but you ARE moving through it.

I have not lost a full term baby myself, but have suffered extreme grief in my life, including the near-death and subsequent months long ICU stay of my wonderful, newlywed husband back in August of last year. I can say that FOR ME, the grief from certain losses is always there, yes, but it's like a muted version of it.

It's there...but little by little you notice that it's less intense. It's less edgy. It starts to fade or get fuzzy around the edges.

Usually with this "muting" comes emotional relief...and then often panic. Panic at the idea of "forgetting" the loved one...panic at the idea that this somehow means that they aren't important anymore...panic at the idea of "letting go" of the vigil of grief...so it can get better, then worse, then better again.

My point is that grieving is not a liner process. It has peaks and valleys, and it's usually two steps forward, one step back...but the end result is that it DOES get better. These women who are saying it doesn't may be hinting that the loss is never completely forgotten, or perhaps they are reluctant to "give up the grief vigil" in an effort to remain with their lost loved ones in spirit at all times...but I do know that IF YOU GRIEVE, you will survive.

I know it doesn't feel that way...how could you possibly see that light right now? I would highly advise that you trust others who have walked this path before you in their genuine efforts to try to find LIFE again...and see how far they've come.

I am so sorry you are on this journey.







Your baby boy was and will always remain perfect and beautiful.









Claire


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

I'm so sorry mamma.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for your pain.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I am so, so sorry. I understand. I have had so many days since Emma died of not wanting to live. I would never commit suicide - I have a precious husband and two beautiful children who need me too much to ever contemplate it but I can *COMPLETELY* relate to the idea of finding life without our babies just too hard.

I'm almost 9 months on now and I will say that the days when I feel like that have become rarer - there are many more days now when, as Fazer says, the sadness and the grief are just a part of who I am and it's not always at the forefront of my mind. I carry her as a part of me through my day to day life.

I had the same fear and terror about other blogs and someone here (JayJay, I believe) pointed out that I did not have to take on someone else's grief alongside my own. In my own head I was mixing up sympathy for their story with taking it on alongside my own. I still read A LOT of blogs but I try to be discerning about whether I'm emotionally strong enough at that moment to read someone else's story

Peace & gentle healing, mama.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

You are where you need to be, right now. Your grief is right. It hurts like hell, but it's right. I know it sucks - it sucks to say it. But the feeling, "I don't want to do this, I want it to be over, I want to be OVER this" is normal. I was where you are, weeks, a month ago. I felt just the same. Just the same.

You've lost a part of your future. The psyche doesn't reconcile that very well. Losing a part of your past, your mind gets that. It makes some sort of horrible life-cycle sense. But losing a part of your future? It's like it creates some sort of strange time warp in your brain or something. Your head doesn't want to wrap around it.

Just know that this - this awful, horrid, sick feeling, the fear you'll never "get over" it, that the pain can't possibly be borne - this is just right where you need to be. Unfortunately. I wish it wasn't.







Believe me. I wish none of us ever had to feel any of this. But speaking as someone just a few months away from the point you are now, I remember feeling just what you're feeling, very clearly, quite similarly.

I hope that, if nothing else, is a little bit of a comfort. It was, for me, to hear mamas a few months out tell me, "What you're feeling, I felt, too." Made me feel like I wasn't going insane. Even if it felt like it. Still does, sometimes.

HUGS, mama.







:


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

My heart breaks reading about your pain.









Of course I can't offer any words. I don't think any thing makes it better or even helps. You just have to ride it out.

I disagree though. It does get a little better, if only because you gain perspective and when some of the intense grief wears off you are able to love him without hurting every time you think of him.

I wish I could do something to help, I wish there was something I could say.









Hang in there.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I'm so sorry... I can tell you that it has gotten easier for me. I remember reading a book in the first weeks after Dresden was born, a statistic inside said that on average it took people 8 YEARS to feel as happy, or almost as happy as before their child died. 8 YEAAAARS! I didn't want that to be my life, and I was afraid for some time that it would be. It's not. Like Jill said, the grief and missing them really does become part of who you are... and I wouldn't want it any other way - it connects me to my sweet son. I've also told myself so many times that Dresden would not want his momma to be a mopey mess all the time.. so with that, I've allowed myself to feel happiness, where at first any happiness would also bring guilt just for feeling happy. It's a crappy situation we're all in, but we can get through it.. We'll always miss the babies we didn't get enough time with, but you will feel joy again!







Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it certainly helps.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so sorry.







I know how you feel, I remember feeling so daunted right after Lachlan died, not wanting to have to experience the grief that lay ahead of me. Grief is such hard work, but taking each day one day at a time, and trying to live in the moment really helps. I remember wishing that I could somehow skip all the grief and just arrive at the other side of it. I still do wish that sometimes, but I know that everything you're feeling and everything I'm feeling is normal, and that we'll get through! And for each day that passes, we're surviving another day. Getting closer to integrating our losses into our lives. Sometimes I wake up and I can't believe that this is my life, but it is, and it does suck that we've all had such a horrible thing happen. But that doesn't mean that there can't be beautiful things every day, that there can't be happiness and joy at the same time as carrying our pain and our sadness. This is a bit rambling, and I don't really have any answers, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, and that crying and being sad are good, important things to do to help you heal. And also, over time the pain does get less raw - the intense pain in those first few weeks just can't be maintained, so it does lessen over time, even if it never fully goes away.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry your in such pain. I agree with what others have posted - what you are feeling is normal. It SUCKS but it is normal. It feels awful but it is normal.

Stop reading other loss blogs. I found that I had to take my grief in chunks. I had to allow myself time each day to not feel completely underwater and I did not let myself feel guilty about looking for a little piece of normal during the day.

This is the most horrible road one can walk. You do what you can do to protect your sanity as you maneuver your way through.

Your pain is not only emotional but it is physical. You ache to hold Matthew and you ache to mother him. You have two types of pain to deal with and they are both so primal. It's hard to try and get our logical minds around the primal parts of it.

I know there are some women out there who may not be able to find their way through their grief and it becomes their life. Personally, I feel it where you want to be is where you'll end up. If you can't see past the grief it's almost impossible to get past it.

I knew when my son died that I would go one day without crying. I didn't know how long it would take me to get there but I knew I would. I don't remember how long it took - probably three months or more. I tried hard to find joy in each day. My happiness was sucked out of my life for a while after he died but I was able to find pieces of joy in my family and that helped. Many days I had to fake it and many days I had to find a quiet place to just cry it out to keep moving forward.

Those days of physically having to drag myself through them were the worst. When I went back to work it took me a couple of months before I was able to park and just walk in the building without having to shed a few tears first.

I've learned a lot through my faith and it has carried me through the darkest parts. I decided I would actively grieve and I would not go into a depression. Of course I felt depressed but I did not want to waste more time fighting depression while trying to grieve. By deciding to wallow around in it and yet protect myself at the same time from depression I found a middle ground that helped me through the first six months or so.

It's been almost a year since my son died. I'm due with our third child just about a week before my son's birth/death day anniversaries. Being pregnant has added a whole other dimension to the grief and I'm not sure if I would have started trying again so soon if I had known I would get pregnant so quick and if I had know how hard it would be emotionally.

I write all this to let you know that there will come a day in the next month or two when you'll start to feel a new normal. Also, I want to let you know that I've heard many moms say that they start feeling better and then somewhere between the three and six month mark they hit a wall and it is like it is all brand new again. I hit that around three months. It was unbelievably hard and I was so glad I had heard it was a possibility.

Coming up on the one year anniversary has been hard. My grief comes and goes. Some days I feel so strong and other days I just feel such loss.

I have come to know that I will never get over this. I don't want to. My son's death took a little piece of me with it. I will always have a heavier heart than those that haven't lost a child. But, I also know that I've found a sense of compassion for others who grieve that I would not have had. I'd love to still be naive about all of this but because my son did die I've decided to look for any silver linings I can see.

There aren't many positives but I like to think that I'm a better person by going through this struggle and pain. I don't want his death to be something that ruins me or my family. He was so precious and perfect I want to honor his beauty with a better life for us all. Life is so short. Though he was here for such a short time he was here. I want his life to stand for something and not focus solely on his death.

There are plenty of days I wish it were just a horrible nightmare. And, there are some days now that it feels so unreal that I have to remind myself it really did happen. How can something this awful happen in real life? You know?

I will miss him forever. My heart will ache forever but I learn to move with it and carry it with me. It lets me know that I loved him so deeply and I always will.

You will find a new normal. Give yourself the gift of time and patience with your healing. I know there were days I wanted to just crawl out of my skin and get away from the pain and loss. If I could have outrun them I'd probably still be running. I just endured and you will, too.

I wish you could smell his little head again, too. You're not alone - we feel your pain. I'll be thinking of you.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

I think everybody here has already said what I wanted to say... Cheshire, your words couldn't be more right. I am so thankful for your heartfelt posts - I can relate so much. Calmom, I just want to jump through my computer screen and give you a big hug. I know exactly how you feel. I've been afraid of myself alot, too. Sometimes it hurts so incredibly bad that I just don't know how I can bear to take another breath. Since coming here and meeting all these other mamas who have been through loss, it amazed me that they have survived. When I was alone and had no one to relate to, I didn't possibly think I could live through this. Although they are few and far between, I can see brief glimmers of hope once in a while. Please know you're not alone. I have had days where it's probably not in the best interest of my mental health to submerse myself in reading other's loss blogs as it seems to put me back at square one, but it also has been a huge help to read them and to know I'm not alone in my feelings. Take life one moment at a time. Days pass, and I am amazed that I am indeed still here. Still breathing.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Not much to offer, but I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I just wanted to send a hug....

I feel pretty horribly lost most days too. I've wondered how I can go on, and yet, know I WILL go on. I understand your tears...we all do.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

sorry to walk away from this thread, you guys. i had my husband's grandma come back yesterday and i had a hard time making my way back to this computer.

first off, THANK YOU so much.







i don't know where i would be without this forum. there is an incredibly amount of grief contained in this one small place but also so much heartfelt love. sometimes i think i will never relate to another friend the way that i now can with another baby loss mama.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *starling&diesel* 

I cannot imagine what you are enduring right now. I do think, though, that it's ok to need people around you right now.

that one sentence was very helpful. i was critical of myself for "messing up" my grieving process with having company over but yes, i do deserve having people around me right now. it's ok if i feel a little bit normal while they're here.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fazer6* 
While the grief never goes away, you do learn do live with the pain. I ache for the loss of Isabel, it sometimes almost hurts to not be holding her in my arms, but yet that feeling is a part of who I am now. You learn to occupy yourself to lessen the feeling of loss, you learn to look back and not feel as sad, you learn to talk about your baby without crying.

i'm sorry for the loss of your Isabel. (((hugs))) i look forward to being able to talk about my baby without breaking down.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *claireb* 

Again, I am so sorry that you are feeling so horribly awful...I hear the desperation in your voice. Believe it or not, your post screams of "grieving right"...the hints of denial, wishing desperately he were back in your arms, the anger, the rage...all of that IS healthy grieving. It sucks so much, there is no way to describe the pain, but you ARE moving through it.

My point is that grieving is not a liner process. It has peaks and valleys, and it's usually two steps forward, one step back...but the end result is that it DOES get better. These women who are saying it doesn't may be hinting that the loss is never completely forgotten, or perhaps they are reluctant to "give up the grief vigil" in an effort to remain with their lost loved ones in spirit at all times...but I do know that IF YOU GRIEVE, you will survive.









Claire

Claire, i can't tell you how incredibly helpful that was. thank you for picking apart my post and showing me that i am working through it, that i'm not going to sit and die in this.

i'm going to remember that, if i grieve, i will survive. yes, i will. i'm going to survive, i won't let this be the end of my life.

and i'm sorry for the near loss of your newly married husband.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShwarmaQueen* 
I'm so sorry mamma.










Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amy&4girls* 







I am so sorry for your pain.

(((hugs))) thank you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
I had the same fear and terror about other blogs and someone here (JayJay, I believe) pointed out that I did not have to take on someone else's grief alongside my own. In my own head I was mixing up sympathy for their story with taking it on alongside my own. I still read A LOT of blogs but I try to be discerning about whether I'm emotionally strong enough at that moment to read someone else's story

Peace & gentle healing, mama.

thank you for giving me permission to not take on their grief alongside my own. everyone's stories are so raw and painful that it seems only right to try to suffer some for them... but i suppose that will just weigh us all down if we try to do that.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MI_Dawn* 
You are where you need to be, right now. Your grief is right. It hurts like hell, but it's right. I know it sucks - it sucks to say it. But the feeling, "I don't want to do this, I want it to be over, I want to be OVER this" is normal. I was where you are, weeks, a month ago. I felt just the same. Just the same.
:

dawn, that is very comforting somehow, in a terrible way. i am right where i need to be is a phrase i've said to myself many times over the years, but not in this situation. thank you. (((hugs)))

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Funny Face* 
I disagree though. It does get a little better, if only because you gain perspective and when some of the intense grief wears off you are able to love him without hurting every time you think of him.
.

thanks, mama.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
Like Jill said, the grief and missing them really does become part of who you are... and I wouldn't want it any other way - it connects me to my sweet son. .

i guess that is very true. i don't ever want to lose connection to my matthew.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jules09* 
But that doesn't mean that there can't be beautiful things every day, that there can't be happiness and joy at the same time as carrying our pain and our sadness.

This is a bit rambling, and I don't really have any answers, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, and that crying and being sad are good, important things to do to help you heal. And also, over time the pain does get less raw - the intense pain in those first few weeks just can't be maintained, so it does lessen over time, even if it never fully goes away.









Jules, my "beautiful things every day" thread buddy.







i feel relief to think that no, this pain can't possibly be maintained over a long period of time.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cheshire* 
I found that I had to take my grief in chunks. I had to allow myself time each day to not feel completely underwater and I did not let myself feel guilty about looking for a little piece of normal during the day.

Personally, I feel it where you want to be is where you'll end up. If you can't see past the grief it's almost impossible to get past it.

Of course I felt depressed but I did not want to waste more time fighting depression while trying to grieve.

Being pregnant has added a whole other dimension to the grief and I'm not sure if I would have started trying again so soon if I had known I would get pregnant so quick and if I had know how hard it would be emotionally.

I just endured and you will, too.

.

taking my grief in chunks, yes! i find myself sometimes consciously choosing to set it aside for a while or choosing to open up his things and immerse myself in it.

i did the same thing too with choosing to not battle depression on top of this horrible grief. it's funny, i've had anxiety/depression before but this time, even while still in the hospital with matthew, i remember swearing to myself and my husband that i would NOT let this kill me, that i would NOT let myself get sucked into depression on top of this.

i want to endure too. (((hugs)))

Quote:


Originally Posted by *apecaut* 
I'm so sorry.









thank you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alternamama82* 
Calmom, I just want to jump through my computer screen and give you a big hug. I know exactly how you feel. I've been afraid of myself alot, too. Sometimes it hurts so incredibly bad that I just don't know how I can bear to take another breath. .

thank you so much for caring. i wish you could give me a big hug too!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Manessa* 
Not much to offer, but I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts










Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
I just wanted to send a hug....

I feel pretty horribly lost most days too. I've wondered how I can go on, and yet, know I WILL go on. I understand your tears...we all do.

thanks, mamas.

whew, i couldn't bear to leave anyone out because everyone single one of you have shown me such kindness and love.

even though i feel like my heart has been literally ripped open, i do feel that someday, i will be able to hold that much more love in it. occasionally, i will get a glimpse of the "new me" too. i will see something that is so incredibly beautiful that i never knew was there before. i find myself being extra tender with my kids and husband because i just LOVE them so much. it's a damn shame that it took losing my baby to do this.


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## youngwife (Apr 5, 2009)

Christie,

I had read your original post, and wanted so badly to reply but didn't feel that I had anything to offer as far as comfort (I think I had even deleted a near post). But, please know that I am another mother that is just so very sorry for your loss.

I just recently miscarried twins at 10 weeks. It was very painful, yes, but I realize that I have many things to be thankful for. I can only imagine what the pain would have been like had I had been so much further along as you were.









I pray that you will soon begin to be able to feel the joy and laughter return, and peace and calm replace your feelings of turmoil and grief.

Many blessings to you,

Rebecca


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Coming to this late.....

I think the myth about grief is that if you grieve in the 'right ways' it will be easier or faster. Totally not true! Grief is heavy & hard & must be waded thru. It isn't about moving past it; it is about sheer survival.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry, Christie.







What you're feeling and expressing is normal. I actually developed anxiety and still battle it. I'm scared of death and it was constantly on my mind during the first 3-4 months. I often told myself that I didn't see a point in living if we're all just going to die anyway. Part of the anxiety comes from not believing in the traditional afterlife theme/motif. No better place to move to after this life. I do entertain ideas surrounding reincarnation and rebirth, but not having absolute faith in these concepts made for a lot of anxiety. I don't mind not "seeing" him again or being reunited with him, but I want to believe and know he's "somewhere."

I struggled internally during those months. I desperately wanted him back and wanted to know he was somewhere. It has gotten better, but I of course want him back. Want him in my arms, as we all do. This journey is so tough. I have definitely adapted to my new life. I can't go back. My reality is different now and I have accepted I will live with this pain and loss for the rest of my life. Some does are better than others. Learning to live with the grief takes time.

Many, many hugs, mama.














:


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## haleyelianasmom (Nov 5, 2005)

I couldn't read this and not respond. I'm so so sorry for your loss.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Semper Gumby* 
I'm so sorry, Christie.







What you're feeling and expressing is normal. I actually developed anxiety and still battle it. I'm scared of death and it was constantly on my mind during the first 3-4 months. I often told myself that I didn't see a point in living if we're all just going to die anyway. Part of the anxiety comes from not believing in the traditional afterlife theme/motif. No better place to move to after this life. I do entertain ideas surrounding reincarnation and rebirth, but not having absolute faith in these concepts made for a lot of anxiety. I don't mind not "seeing" him again or being reunited with him, but I want to believe and know he's "somewhere."

I struggled internally during those months. I desperately wanted him back and wanted to know he was somewhere. It has gotten better, but I of course want him back. Want him in my arms, as we all do. This journey is so tough. I have definitely adapted to my new life. I can't go back. My reality is different now and I have accepted I will live with this pain and loss for the rest of my life. Some does are better than others. Learning to live with the grief takes time.

Many, many hugs, mama.














:

I just wanted to say that I've struggled with the same issues. While DP is Christian and found alot of comfort in knowing that Freja is in Heaven, I am not and have had a very hard time. Many nights I would cry and shake and beg for him to tell me that she is okay, where ever she is. I wish I had more faith - in some form - I am envious that he is at peace with everything because of his faith.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

thinking of you









(hope you got my pm)


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

You've been on my mind alot today, Christie. Just want to let you know ((hugs))


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *youngwife* 
Christie,

I had read your original post, and wanted so badly to reply but didn't feel that I had anything to offer as far as comfort (I think I had even deleted a near post). But, please know that I am another mother that is just so very sorry for your loss.

I just recently miscarried twins at 10 weeks. It was very painful, yes, but I realize that I have many things to be thankful for. I can only imagine what the pain would have been like had I had been so much further along as you were.









Rebecca

Rebecca, thank you so much for caring. Isn't it funny how we think that nothing we say will be helpful to someone who is hurting? I do the same thing. Just the face that you care enough to write this is heartwarming to me, I promise.

And I am SO sorry that you lost your double blessings. (((Hugs))) I had a 10 week loss years ago and I was completely devastated too.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *expatmommy* 
Coming to this late.....

I think the myth about grief is that if you grieve in the 'right ways' it will be easier or faster. Totally not true! Grief is heavy & hard & must be waded thru. It isn't about moving past it; it is about sheer survival.










I guess so. I do wish there were a shortcut.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Semper Gumby* 
I'm so sorry, Christie.







What you're feeling and expressing is normal. I actually developed anxiety and still battle it. I'm scared of death and it was constantly on my mind during the first 3-4 months. I often told myself that I didn't see a point in living if we're all just going to die anyway. Part of the anxiety comes from not believing in the traditional afterlife theme/motif. No better place to move to after this life. I do entertain ideas surrounding reincarnation and rebirth, but not having absolute faith in these concepts made for a lot of anxiety. I don't mind not "seeing" him again or being reunited with him, but I want to believe and know he's "somewhere."

Many, many hugs, mama.














:

Thank you. I can relate to this somewhat. I was raised Catholic and I do get some spiritual fulfillment from it sometimes but I don't have a FIRM belief that we all go to Heaven and wait for the rest of our families there. I believed it for other people but now that Matthew is gone, I don't have that certainty.

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Originally Posted by *haleyelianasmom* 
I couldn't read this and not respond. I'm so so sorry for your loss.

thank you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alternamama82* 
I just wanted to say that I've struggled with the same issues. While DP is Christian and found alot of comfort in knowing that Freja is in Heaven, I am not and have had a very hard time. Many nights I would cry and shake and beg for him to tell me that she is okay, where ever she is. I wish I had more faith - in some form - I am envious that he is at peace with everything because of his faith.

(((hugs)))) i'm glad i'm not alone in this. actually, that's not true. i wish we both had a certainty. as much as i hate the not knowing, i just cannot believe that our lost babies go somewhere bad, that would make no sense at all. so then i need to try and believe that they are somewhere GOOD.

yk, when my mom and i were looking at gravestones, the ones with jesus, mary or other saints repelled me in a way i wasn't expecting. they gave me this image in my mind of a marble statue holding baby and i really hated that. i just want him so badly to be somewhere beautiful and happy, with relatives holding him and with the knowledge that i love him so much. i TRY to believe in that.

christie


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