# 16 year olds and curfews



## KarenAB (Oct 7, 2008)

I'm sure this has been discussed here before but since I'm jumping in I'll ask!

Again dd1. Very popular, very social. She drinks, we know she drinks. She has one or 2 coolers and that's it. We're not happy about it, we don't allow it in our home, but it's either that or have her lie to us.

Now she is pushing the curfew thing. Her curfew on weekends is midnight, 10 on school nights although she is almost always home on school nights.

Quite a number of her friends have no curfew! As long as the parents know where the kids are, they have no curfew









This makes it tough for us.

So do we reward her for her honesty and responsibility and let her set her own curfew?

I just can't do that in good conscience.

On the other hand, I am really tired of arguing with her.

The other issue is that we are frequently the ride home, so for us to stay up past midnight so she can socialize burns me a bit. Other kids walk, bum rides, take cabs, but I like to know exactly how she's getting home.

Thoughts?


----------



## KarenAB (Oct 7, 2008)

Is there an older thread on this that someone can direct me to?


----------



## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KarenAB* 
Is there an older thread on this that someone can direct me to?

There are a bunch... from the forum main page (here) click on Search This Forum in the upper right, and than type "curfew".

I have a 15 year old, and she's never had a curfew. I guess I'm one of the parents who makes it tough for you







but it's always worked well for us. I do tell her sometimes that I don't want to be driving out to pick her up past a certain hour because I want to sleep (although sometimes plans go wrong and in that case I'm always willing to go get her and/or her friends, just as I would drive to pick up one of my friends in the same siutation) and I do like being kept in the loop and knowing where she is and what her plans are... but an actual curfew never seemed necessary. She is good about spending the night with someone or getting a ride home if she's going to be out late.

What do you think would happen if you didn't set a curfew?

Dar


----------



## KarenAB (Oct 7, 2008)

I don't really know what would happen, she would probably be home by 1 or so, I would just like to know how she's getting home.


----------



## 2goingon2 (Feb 8, 2007)

I can understand both sides. My daughter is 15 so she's just now going out with friends more...mostly sleep overs and such. I want her to have a curfew. For me, it's more about knowing when she's home because like my parents before me, I will wait up on her. Not knowing would make me worry more. Not to knock anyone else's parenting but again for me, it's about respect and also, what in the world does a 16 year old need to be doing that a curfew is not required? I think extending it to one o'clock on the weekends is enough.


----------



## KarenAB (Oct 7, 2008)

It's really tough to know how much to give and take.

I found when I was parenting babies and toddlers and even school age kids, I felt confident in my decisions.

With my teenagers, I question everything, I want to make sure they are safe but I also want to make sure I'm being fair.

It's tough!


----------



## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2goingon2* 
Not to knock anyone else's parenting but again for me, it's about respect and also, what in the world does a 16 year old need to be doing that a curfew is not required?

Well... my daughter goes to shows, or movies, or hangs out with friends. I don't feel that this is disrespectful of her, but maybe I'm missing something? Again, she is very good about keeping me in the loop - she might call me at 10:00, for example, and tell me that she's going to the Loop to get some food with Paul and Steve, and that Paul will make sure she gets home safely, probably by one or so... that's what I do with her, generally, and it seems to work fine both ways. I feel respected, anyway.

She doesn't go to traditional school, so maybe that's a little different - she's always been unschooled and now takes community college classes 4 days a week.... but her earliest class isn't until 11 or so. Still, even when she was taking earlier college classes last year we didn't have a curfew.

Dar


----------



## enkmom (Aug 30, 2004)

My children never really had "curfew" either. Most of the time, parties or activities broke up about midnight, but as long as they called, I had no problem with them staying later. Sometimes the party is really fun, sometimes they just started watching a movie and wanted to see how it ended, etc. My kids each had a close circle of friends, and they socialized in homes where a parent was on the premises.


----------



## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

My mom was the type you're rolling your eyes at -- as long as she knew where I was and when I would be home, she was fine. It worked beautifully. I knew how much freedom I had, and I didn't want to abuse it, so I was diligent about calling her if plans changed. She still laughs at the fact that I would call if I was going to be even 5 minutes late. Trust is a great thing, and I plan to give my children the same freedoms unless or until they abuse my trust. I hope they'll take after me!

Frankly, an arbitrary curfew doesn't make sense to me -- nor do most arbitrary things, I'll admit!







What's the harm in allowing her to set her own hours, with the knowledge that she must call if plans change? She's practically an adult -- it's time to start treating her like one so that when she is legally free to do as she wishes, she has the experience and ability to do it!


----------



## Nautical (Mar 4, 2008)

I never had a curfew as a teen. I did however always tell my parents when I would be home, and I was expected to be home at the time I said. I almost never stayed out past 11:30 or 12:00 though because I just needed too much sleep. Anytime I stayed out later it was just because I lived in the country so far away from everyone and it would take me longer to get home from a late movie or a party. Generally, if I was going to be later than 1 a.m., I would stay the night at friend's house anyway.

Also, not only would I call if I would be late, but I would generally always call with an update. If I said I would be home at 12, I would call around 10 just to let my mom know I would still be home at 12. I would also always call if I changed locations (not from dinner to movie but if I left a party and was going to hang out at someone's house).


----------



## KarenAB (Oct 7, 2008)

I think the calling is critical, and as long as we know how she's getting home.

In 18 short months, she'll be an adult and I guess she has to learn how to make the right choices most of the time; so far, so good.


----------



## nukedwifey (Sep 22, 2008)

Aren't there laws in your states that dictate a "curfew?" There are in mine. A 16 yo cannot drive past 11:00. They also can't be out and about without a parent past midnight. They also cannot have more than 1 non-family member in their car, ever. Under 18 and you cannot legally work past 10 to get home before the state curfew. That pretty much negates Paul and Steve getting her home safely. Unless Paul and Steve are brothers. But even that doesn't make it safe. Far too many accidents have happened out here in the country by teens being stupid and/or trying to be cool that it's ridiculous. The one that comes into mind is trying to jump "blind hill" 6 girls in the car 3 died 3 were critically injured at about 10 at night. That road is right by my house so I drive it a lot and the accident goes through my mind every time. That accident was one that helped to get the 1 non-family member limit to pass. Now under 18 and you can't use a cellphone while driving. Teens are not nearly as responsible as you think they are. Believe me I was one not that long ago. The stuff I did was down right stupid. My parents were not strict at all.

I would also let my daughter know of the life long consequences of being caught with alcohol underage. I wouldn't lecture or boss or anything but there are definitely things that will haunt her forever if she gets caught now. My sister did at 16 and well she still has it on her permanent record because her license was suspended (she wasn't driving or in a car either). That means that she can't do my job because she can't be on the company car insurance because you can't ever have had your license suspended. My car is owned by the company and it would still pop up that that happened. She also would have a hard time getting the security clearances that I need to do my job. And those are things that never went through my mind while getting my degree (I didn't know I would need the numerous security clearances to do this job in college) or being a dumb teen. Not to mention I'm totally different now than when I was a teen so the things I thought "I couldn't care less about that" at 16 I was thinking "phew, I'm glad I didn't get caught doing that when I was 16 (21 or 23 for that matter)" years later. But having limits later in life just to be cool at 16 would have totally sucked.


----------



## 2goingon2 (Feb 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar* 
Well... my daughter goes to shows, or movies, or hangs out with friends. I don't feel that this is disrespectful of her, but maybe I'm missing something? Again, she is very good about keeping me in the loop - she might call me at 10:00, for example, and tell me that she's going to the Loop to get some food with Paul and Steve, and that Paul will make sure she gets home safely, probably by one or so... that's what I do with her, generally, and it seems to work fine both ways. I feel respected, anyway.

She doesn't go to traditional school, so maybe that's a little different - she's always been unschooled and now takes community college classes 4 days a week.... but her earliest class isn't until 11 or so. Still, even when she was taking earlier college classes last year we didn't have a curfew.

Dar

Like I said - not knocking anyone else's parenting style but for me and mine...a curfew will be required. I will be the one waiting up and I will be the one worrying (it's my nature) until she's home. And again, what really is there for a 16 old to do all night? Sure, go here and there and hang out with friends but all night? Just my parenting style. You've got yours, I've got mine.


----------



## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nukedwifey* 
Aren't there laws in your states that dictate a "curfew?" There are in mine.

There are, but we consider ignoring them to be a matter of civil disobediance - laws that discrimate by age are one of my pet peeves. Rain also has two college IDs and looks 18 easily, so practically speaking she's unlikely to be arrested for violating curfew.

The friends who drive her places are generally over 18... Paul and Steve and 21, I think (they live downstairs from us). We also chose to live in an area with great public transportation and lots of neat stuff to do within walking distance, and I feel comfortable with them walking her home at night. I would feel comfortable with a cab, too... I think the OP mentioned walking and cabs as potential ways for her daughter to get home.

Quote:

Teens are not nearly as responsible as you think they are. Believe me I was one not that long ago. The stuff I did was down right stupid. My parents were not strict at all.
Some teens are very responsible. It sounds like you weren't... but some are. I think teens in general get a bad rap, and a lot of the generalizations out there about teens are unfairly negative, and sometimes it's useful to take a step back and look at your actual kid, rather than the societal represenation of teens. If there are reasons why your particular kid needs a curfew, then clearly you should have one, but I think it's something parents should look critically at... just as we looked critically at societal assumptions and made different choices when our kids were little and didn't have a crib because they coslept or were "still nursing" or weren't being put in time out...

Dar


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

I have to join in with those who didn't have a curfew at 16 (well my mom had one for me when I was at her house, but I lived with my dad). My dad made it clear that he expected to know where I was going, what time I expected to be home, call if I thought I was going to be late, and be responsable about how I would get home. What did I do? Hung out with friends, played gigs with my band, went to movies.

Quote:

Some teens are very responsible. It sounds like you weren't... but some are. I think teens in general get a bad rap, and a lot of the generalizations out there about teens are unfairly negative, and sometimes it's useful to take a step back and look at your actual kid, rather than the societal represenation of teens. If there are reasons why your particular kid needs a curfew, then clearly you should have one, but I think it's something parents should look critically at... just as we looked critically at societal assumptions and made different choices when our kids were little and didn't have a crib because they coslept or were "still nursing" or weren't being put in time out...
That is a pet peeve of mine. That all teens get painted with the same brush as an irrisponsible few. Like around here, they are trying to get a law that makes it illegal to drive while on a cell phone... but ONLY if your under 25! What is the use of that? Plenty of over 25s do the same stupid thing but they aren't being given the same treatment. You really do need to look at the big picture. In fact, I think theres a similar thing going on with a lot of teens that mirrors the observer-expectancy effect or the pygmalion effect. Adults expect certain behaviour from teens and in turn the teens exhibit the behaviours because they follow what is expect of them.


----------



## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Neither of my teens have curfews. But... All of the parents have pretty uniformly agreed that none of the ones of driving age are allowed to drive anyone unrelated, nor that they need to be out and about past midnight. So evenings that are going to extend past that are at someone's home - and is a non-coed overnight. Otherwise (with some exceptions), they break up by 11:30/45. None of the kids have an issue with it, either.

Quote:

There are, but we consider ignoring them to be a matter of civil disobediance - laws that discrimate by age are one of my pet peeves. Rain also has two college IDs and looks 18 easily, so practically speaking she's unlikely to be arrested for violating curfew.
Wow.


----------



## kennedy444 (Aug 2, 2002)

I still live by the old saying, "Nothing good ever happens after midnight."

So, no, I don't think my teen needs to be out later than that.


----------



## BedHead (Mar 8, 2007)

My kids have never really had a curfew. There are days I tell them they have to be home by a certain time if there's something going on the next day, and on school nights they always had a bedtime at a certain time till the end of grade nine only. As long as I know where they are and they answer their phone if I call, they're pretty much allowed to be out with whoever they want to be, doing whatever they want to be.


----------



## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

My kids (17, and almost 15) have never had a set curfew. We just discuss where everyone is going and thoughts on when we'll be home.







If I have any concerns about the time or place I share them, they respond, etc. My son frequently goes to the store up the street well after our city curfew, but he's a really big guy with a beard so the cops just think he's over 18.


----------



## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

No curfew for my teen. However, we live in the city so I don't have to worry about her driving or being in cars with other teens. Thank deity for that!


----------



## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kennedy444* 
I still live by the old saying, "Nothing good ever happens after midnight."

So, no, I don't think my teen needs to be out later than that.

Wow really? I had so many good times after midnight as a young person and I still do. Being at the park with friends, sitting on the swings and picnic tables or just the grass BSing. Or walking to the store to get nachos and soda. Playing hide and seek in the field. I wouldn't trade any of that for anything.







:


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
Wow really? I had so many good times after midnight as a young person and I still do. Being at the park with friends, sitting on the swings and picnic tables or just the grass BSing. Or walking to the store to get nachos and soda. Playing hide and seek in the field. I wouldn't trade any of that for anything.







:

Amen to that. I had some great times after midnight as a teen. Its like your the only people out there cause its so easy to find a place that's completely deserted.


----------



## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

About couple of months ago dsd and her bf were talking about this in regards to their future kids.







He was saying there is nothing wrong with allowing them to be out late at night, and her point was "are you crazy, don't you watch local news? it's unsafe!" kind of attitude. Funny enough, I can't really recall a discussion on this subject in our house. So... While we don't have a curfew per se, I really can't think of the time she came home past 11.

We discuss things on a case by case basis. Movies - sure, do you need a ride? Friends house - sure, let's just get friends' contact information first. If she wanted to go to a party that ran until 1, and was really fun, and included people we knew and trusted, then maybe okay... Other than that - I can't really imagine her at the park past midnight. Somehow I think it's mutually agreed upon - it's not her cup of tea, and it's not something we would say okay to.

In general, I am not opposed to having set rules, as long as they are discussed and reasoning behind them is clear. I think every child is different, every living situation and neighborhood is different, and therefore people are bound to have different outlooks and rules for what fits their particular case.


----------



## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
Wow really? I had so many good times after midnight as a young person and I still do. Being at the park with friends, sitting on the swings and picnic tables or just the grass BSing. Or walking to the store to get nachos and soda. Playing hide and seek in the field. I wouldn't trade any of that for anything.







:











We used to go play on the jungle gyms and swing at about 3am. Really good memories.


----------



## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar* 
There are, but we consider ignoring them to be a matter of civil disobediance - laws that discrimate by age are one of my pet peeves. Rain also has two college IDs and looks 18 easily, so practically speaking she's unlikely to be arrested for violating curfew.

Dar


Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 

Wow.

Dar wasn't talking about fake IDs. Her daughter is enrolled in community college classes, and has legitimate IDs from them.


----------



## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolar2* 
Dar wasn't talking about fake IDs. Her daughter is enrolled in community college classes, and has legitimate IDs from them.

Oh.







Thanks.







The idea that they were fake apparently went right over my head... yeah, she has real, valid college IDs.

Dar


----------



## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Their validity won't help her much if the cops show up at one of the parties she's at. She'd still get an MIP or MIC.


----------



## mamato3cherubs (Nov 30, 2004)

I havent read all replies, but Im one to say the cerfews you already have set seem perfectly appropriate to me.

She should be aware that reaspecting the law is also important, and know that there are true consequences for underage drinking and being out past legal cerfew. In my state it is midnight until age 18. I see no reason to be out past that at 16.
I understand your thing about her responsible behavior and not having a true reason to deny her request, but she should have respect for you as well.

She shouldnt be asking you to stay up all night until she feels like calling for a ride. She should expect you to give her your full blessing to break the law either. Maybe you should try talking to her about that as well. If she is really the good kid you say, she should be open to your feelings if you explain it along those lines.

and mostly you need to go with your gut. If you want to keep the cerfew, you should

just my two cents


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
Their validity won't help her much if the cops show up at one of the parties she's at. She'd still get an MIP or MIC.

Because we all know the only thing teenagers do when they go out at night is party.


----------



## Buddhamom (Jan 16, 2007)

Wow. I am glad I am not in your shoes. My 16 yr old (17 next month) has no problem with her 11:00 curfew, doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs and in fact wouldn't hangout with anyone who does. Yes, she is popular, in sports and student govt. None of her friends do either. In fact as we speak she is down stairs with her boyfriend baking. Maybe it is because we live in a small town (1200) or better yet I probably just got lucky. Have you ever asked her why she drinks? As for curfew, you need to remember, you are the parent, not her friend. You know the consequences better than she does and you also are responsible for anything she does legally. Something you may want to keep in mind.


----------



## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

My teens prefer to "party" at home so it's never been much of an issue. However, when they have been out with others/at other's homes etc we have discussed the potential risks (legal and otherwise) of drinking and etc. Talking makes so much difference!


----------



## terrordactyl (Jul 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
My mom was the type you're rolling your eyes at -- as long as she knew where I was and when I would be home, she was fine. It worked beautifully. I knew how much freedom I had, and I didn't want to abuse it, so I was diligent about calling her if plans changed. She still laughs at the fact that I would call if I was going to be even 5 minutes late. Trust is a great thing, and I plan to give my children the same freedoms unless or until they abuse my trust. I hope they'll take after me!

Frankly, an arbitrary curfew doesn't make sense to me -- nor do most arbitrary things, I'll admit!







What's the harm in allowing her to set her own hours, with the knowledge that she must call if plans change? She's practically an adult -- it's time to start treating her like one so that when she is legally free to do as she wishes, she has the experience and ability to do it!

that was my mom and me for the most part


----------



## MommaZtoBlessings (Sep 26, 2008)

Another family who doesn't do curfews here.







Sorry!

My kids are very responsible. They keep their cell phones on at all times so that I can always be in contact with them (and I often call and text them all night). They know that I wait up for them, so they try to respect my time too. We do have a driving law here that says 16 year olds can't be out driving past 12:30. My oldest usually comes in between 12 and 12:30.

One night she DID break that cut-off. I told her my thoughts on that and told her how disappointing it would be _to her_ if she lost her license two months shy of her 17th birthday (strict laws where we live







). She was defensive to me, but I just let it rest and she's never been late since. She's not dumb. Maybe I expect that because she's almost an adult, she needs to use her head like an adult. I also expect that she'll make mistakes (like the driving past 12:30) but that she will learn from those mistakes.

Some of our best talks have come after these kids come home late. I'm so tired, but I love that my two teens will sit up for an hour after they are home and just spill their guts. They trust me to be honest and fair and I love these talks.







I never take that for granted.

The underage drinking is another story for me though. That one makes me truly angry.







You need to get her to understand that it's not just her she's affecting. What if she chooses to drive and kills a baby? A mom? Another teen? That will stay with her the rest of her life. That one I just can't condone. We have a strict, strict rule on that one here. If you decide to drink, _then you need to be responsible_ and call for a ride or have a friend bring you home. If they drink and drive, their license is gone. Period. If they kill someone else, the guilt they will carry will crush them. They need to understand the gravity of the situation.

Sorry...off on my soapbox there.









Just keep talking to her. See what her thoughts are on things. Figure out a workable plan that you can both live with. Now is as good a time as any to begin working on this.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommaZtoBlessings* 

The underage drinking is another story for me though. That one makes me truly angry.







You need to get her to understand that it's not just her she's affecting. What if she chooses to drive and kills a baby? A mom? Another teen? That will stay with her the rest of her life. That one I just can't condone. We have a strict, strict rule on that one here. If you decide to drink, _then you need to be responsible_ and call for a ride or have a friend bring you home. If they drink and drive, their license is gone. Period. If they kill someone else, the guilt they will carry will crush them. They need to understand the gravity of the situation.

Just wanted to point out the OP stated that she and dh are often the ride home. So there's no indication that there is drinking and driving going on. Just some moderate drinking, which is better then can be said for many adults.


----------



## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Because we all know the only thing teenagers do when they go out at night is party.

Well... the first post stated that the child drinks at parties. So it's kind of a reasonable assumption that, should the cops show up at one of those parties - she's gonna get an MIP or MIC, even with her college IDs.


----------



## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I just can't let my dd stay out past midnight. For one, I can't sleep, so I want her home so I can go to sleep.

But, my biggest fear comes from my friend's kids. We have lost several of our teens to anything from murder to reckless driving. All these teens were killed after midnight. So, it's a HUGE thing for me.

My 16 year old is fine with this (for now) We have been talking about it since the first teen funeral we had to go to.

Eventually, I will have to loosen up a little, but for now, it's working fine for us.


----------



## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Buddhamom* 
Wow. I am glad I am not in your shoes. My 16 yr old (17 next month) has no problem with her 11:00 curfew, doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs and in fact wouldn't hangout with anyone who does. Yes, she is popular, in sports and student govt. None of her friends do either. In fact as we speak she is down stairs with her boyfriend baking. Maybe it is because we live in a small town (1200) or better yet I probably just got lucky. Have you ever asked her why she drinks? As for curfew, you need to remember, you are the parent, not her friend. You know the consequences better than she does and you also are responsible for anything she does legally. Something you may want to keep in mind.

My kid is like that too. I live in a huge town.

I think it's just the kid. I would LOVE to think it's because I raised her so well, but in all honesty, I have no idea where she gets it. I drink, party, I was not a "good girl" in high school. I wasn't even a very good student. Her Dad was worse than I was.

In spite of all of that, she is a straight A student, in the marching band, in all honors classes, loves math and science. I never would have thought it was genentically possible. By all rights, she should be a total slacker.

So. I think I am just lucky. LOL

It still confuses me though. I Keep looking at her and wondering "Could she have been switched at birth?"


----------



## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
Well... the first post stated that the child drinks at parties. So it's kind of a reasonable assumption that, should the cops show up at one of those parties - she's gonna get an MIP or MIC, even with her college IDs.

Well... actually, she said that her daughter had one or two wine coolers and was very social, but also that she was a really responsible kid. To me that doesn't mean she "drinks at parties", necessarily. I guess when I think of "parties" I picture the sorts of large gatherings I went to when I was younger, with loud music and lots of people and lots of alcohol, lasting well into the night. That's not what my kid is doing, anyway - I can't speak for the OP, but that's not the impression I got from her post.

Where we live, anyway, the cops really aren't interested in small-scale social events that are quiet and controlled, whether there are underage kids drinking or not. I mean, I'm sure there are some exceptions, but generally the cops here have bigger problems on their minds.

The ID comment was related to the curfew bit, rather than the drinking...

Clearly, YMMV... I think the issue for me is more assuming that all teens need the same sorts of rules. Some kids may need a curfew but mine just doesn't, and it sounds to me like the OP's kid may not either.

Dar


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

While we don't have a formal curfew, we've discussed safety and respect and I've worried. I ask my kids to keep in touch with me/dad, and we need their cells phones to be on! (Well, not so much for my 19 yr old who is away at college. lol) . However, for the younger teens (who are not old enough to drive), I need to know where my they are , when they are coming home and how they are getting home. I do put my foot down if something sounds outrageous but my kids have always been ok with that.

My 14 & 16 yr olds are very close and look out for each other. That's comforting. My kids are more homebody & host. We tend to have friends over to our place, which is sanity for me.

I don't want them out at night, doing whatever, even though they have shown themselves to be very thougtful and safe.







as I can't sleep well if they are out and about late.They understand and have always been great about calling us to come get them at a decent time. Pretty much, they have all come home early. They know they can have any friends they want over, so I think that helps.

I would absolutely not feel comfortable with my kids out very late, expecially if they don't have their own vehicle. I am pretty dead to the world after 11. I would not feel comfortable with them catching a ride with just anyone. If getting home safely at a late hour was an issue, I would absolutely be talking to my child about my emotional limits on that.


----------



## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar* 

Where we live, anyway, the cops really aren't interested in small-scale social events that are quiet and controlled, whether there are underage kids drinking or not. I mean, I'm sure there are some exceptions, but generally the cops here have bigger problems on their minds.

 That's accurate for our area as well. If a gathering gets obnoxiously loud or huge fights break out then the MIP issue could pop up, and my kids know that. But mostly it's a so whatter.

Quote:

Clearly, YMMV... I think the issue for me is more assuming that all teens need the same sorts of rules. Some kids may need a curfew but mine just doesn't, and it sounds to me like the OP's kid may not either.
 ITA


----------



## cmhotzler (May 29, 2005)

Im just wondering...you mentioned the other people (guys? who live downstairs?) are 21 yrs. old- will make sure she gets home safely. My thought is why would a couple of 21 yr. old guys be hangin out with a 16 or 17 yr. old kid? Doesn't sound very good to me. A 16-17 yr.old kid should not be hanging out with a 21 yr. old. Period. To much of a difference in age and life experiences. But perhaps I am reading it wrong? Just wondering...


----------



## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I can see the concern in the age gap, but I don't think that should necesarily prohibit the friendship. As a kid and teen I had many older friends that I really valued, and still do actually. I would definitely address any concerns though.


----------



## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Well, they're our neighbors, and we're all friends. They had Rain and I down for dinner the other day... and we regularly send them baked goods, because most recipes make too much for two people. One of them is a grad student at the same university where I'm a grad student, so we end up walking to school together once a week or so.

We've always had friends of all ages - maybe because Rain has never been in traditional school - so for us it doesn't seem odd. There's nothing romantic going on at all... if these were some random 21 year olds and I didn't them, I might be more concerned, but they're not, and I'm totallh comfortable with them.

Dar


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Why does a 16 - 17 year old have to stay with 16 - 17 year old friends anyway? And just because the guys are 21 doesn't mean they are after something either.


----------



## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Why does a 16 - 17 year old have to stay with 16 - 17 year old friends anyway? And just because the guys are 21 doesn't mean they are after something either.

i agree. I'm 21 and I have friends who are younger and friends who are older. we have tons of things in common our age just doesn't happen to be one of them. When i was in HS, obviously my friends were all closer to my age. Now I have friends who live near us, friends i meet at work or volunteering, friends i meet from b/c we both have kids etc. I think most people are used to kids being the same age as their friends b/c of school.

As far as curfew goes i never actually had one. i was wild and out of control for the first 2 yrs of hs and trustworthy and responsible for the second two. the first two yrs i had a best friend who was TROUBLE and i thought she was the coolest person in the world (k-8 in a school with 25 ppl per grade i was a little sheltered) so yeah i did some stupid stuff but it was in no way related to curfew... you can do stupid crap anytime of the day not only between midnight and 6 am.

After she got kicked out of school i wised up and went back to hanging out with my best friend from elementary school and the rest of our group of friends i hung out with before i got close to the other girl. Literally from that point on everything was great. my relationship with my parents was great, i was happier, i was honest and responsible. some nights i came home at 9 sometimes i didn't come home at all but i always called my parents to let them know. they knew my friends so they knew who i was with.. but even if they didn't since they trusted me and my judgement they wouldn't have worried about it. yeah we drank but we always drank at someone's house and our parents always knew. we either spent the night or had a parent or someone who could pass a breathalyzer pick us up.

my very longwinded point is that curfew doesn't have a heck of a lot do with anything. it is an arbitrary time that someone picks for you to show up in your door step. Are your kids sneaking out getting loaded, having random unprotected sex, and holding up the gas station now? if not then why on earth would they start? I understand the fear of other nutball drivers and such but honestly i don't think a lot of kids are driving all over creation at 3am. I imagine most are either at someones house or walking to the park or the 7/11.Common sense and good judgement doesn't leave with the light. You know your kids if they aren't doing it now they aren't going to start as soon as the clock strikes 12.


----------



## soygurl (Jan 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar* 
Some teens are very responsible. It sounds like you weren't... but some are. I think teens in general get a bad rap, and a lot of the generalizations out there about teens are unfairly negative, and sometimes it's useful to take a step back and look at your actual kid, rather than the societal representation of teens. If there are reasons why your particular kid needs a curfew, then clearly you should have one, but I think it's something parents should look critically at... just as we looked critically at societal assumptions and made different choices when our kids were little and didn't have a crib because they coslept or were "still nursing" or weren't being put in time out...

Dar

ITA!!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
Wow really? I had so many good times after midnight as a young person and I still do. Being at the park with friends, sitting on the swings and picnic tables or just the grass BSing. Or walking to the store to get nachos and soda. Playing hide and seek in the field. I wouldn't trade any of that for anything.







:









:

I'm another one who didn't have a curfew as a teen. My parents and I had the normal "call us at any hour if you ever need a safe ride"/"no drinking and driving"/"let us know your plans" talks, and I followed them. There was an experiment where I had a curfew for a while (after not having one for nearly a year), and it was NOT successful. Plans often changed for me and my friends in the middle of the night when it was too late to call my parents and tell them what was going on. Much fighting ensued with me and my parents. Finally we went back to the old system, and everyone was happy (and I was still safe).
My two best friends and I often spent the night at each other's houses, but THEY both had curfews and we would often sneak out (and in) when staying there. Their curfews didn't stop our all night adventures (most of which never involved drinking, drugs, or sex), it just encouraged lying and deceit.


----------



## [email protected] (Nov 8, 2008)

1.Im not a mother & 2. i signed up because i figured you wouldnt get the answers you would like to hear from your kids when you ask them about this kind of stuff or even try to negotiate with them.

Im a teen & i've practicly been through all the stuff that has been posted on here.

PS. i signed up so you can get a feel of what your child feels about all this & how there really thinking. that way you can get a peace of mind & both will be satisfied.

OK first off to answer KARENAB, Teenagers it can be from 11-19 what ever it is. Our hormones rage, so in our heads we make it a to do list & if we cant accomplish it, we feel like dirt? aha true it is.

From drinks, sex, influence, drugs, gangs, violence. most things teens get caught in because there the best targets. old enough to know better but young enough to try it. thats where all the problems start at home. When your kids ask you if they can extend there curfue or drink, wear this wear that, thats a sign that your kids still is above the influence, But there liking what there seeing but also freaked out cause the'll get stuck. thats the best time to talk to them about it.

If that doesnt work & they sneek out. run away. still manage to argue & fight & you know they drink smoke. whatever it is...

(hey i noticed that people arnt really reading this bulitin anymore..so if theres mothers out there that would want me to finish, TELL ME)

writing this was harder than i thought


----------



## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

Elizabeth, I would love to hear the rest of your share. I am a mom to a 15.5 yea rold girl who is running away a lot. She is hanging with a crowd that likes to party. I am very concerned about her. She had no run for 8 days and then last night she ran and foudn out she attended an indie show. She has my permisson to do lots of stuff: she went to a big Panic at the Disco show Saturdy night, goes to movies, youth group. She is involved in sports and music. I want to support her to do heatlhy advanturees vs. drinking, smoking cigs and styaing out all night with 18-19 year olds. She goes to therapy but until the drinking ceases it really willnot do much for her. She attned AA 3 times last week but refused to go Fridy, Sat., Sunday and the stabilizing she did last week will be undonw by her wekend binge.Sallie


----------

