# Sleepovers when your teen is pansexual



## DTmama1 (Jan 17, 2006)

How do you handle this? As a parent, I wouldn't allow my 13 year old to go stay the night at a boyfriend's house, but since she is interested/dates girls too, now what? I don't want to completely ban her from sleepovers, but also can't control what goes on outside my house. We've had talks about safer sex, and I plan to go into more detail about having safer sex with women (I'm queer myself), but I'd really rather put off anything much beyond kissing happening for a few more years ideally. We have a good open relationship when it comes to talking about sex. I'm just struggling with where to set this boundary.


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## ian'smommaya (Jun 7, 2004)

My child has sleep over of all genders at our house. I feel like the open lines of communication and willingness to talk have lead us up a path of an open honest relationship. I figure kids are least likely to do much during a sleep over especially compared to other alone situations (skipping school, camp, after school, playground, mall, etc. etc.) I respect your decisions as a parent, so I hope my comments are helpful.

I would set boundaries like you mentioned, perhaps having supportive straight friends of your dear child spend the night. <3


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## DTmama1 (Jan 17, 2006)

Thanks for the reply. I don't feel quite so skittish about her having friends she is attracted to spend the night here, more the idea of her spending the night elsewhere.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *DTmama1*
> 
> I don't feel quite so skittish about her having friends she is attracted to spend the night here, more the idea of her spending the night elsewhere.


Why?

I think it is a difficult situations. My DD is hetrosexual, but has mostly male friends. She has attended sleepovers of all guys and her that were hosted at a house where I am close to the mom and we have very good communication. My DD sleeps in the guest room by herself, but stays up half the night with the guys and has pancakes with them in the morning. It's a situation I'm OK with, even though in general, I wouldn't be that comfortable with co-ed sleepovers. But I can talk openly and honestly with the mom both about my concerns and about how things go. This specific house and group of friends I'm fine with. I shouldn't as heck wouldn't give a rubber stamp to co-ed sleepovers. Heck, I don't have a rubber stamp for same gender sleepovers!

I think if my child were queer or bi that I would be concerned about open communication because sexual preference is personal information that I wouldn't want to share about my child, yet I feel the other parent has a right to know and make their own choice. For example, if your DD wants to have a sleep over with another girl and you are OK with it, doesn't the other parent have a right to know that your DD is attracted to girls? But that could just open up a whole can of worms -- if the other girl is also attracted to girls but her parents don't know that, would get freaked out by that etc, would think poorly of your DD for her preference and tell lots of other people, etc. I'm from a part of the country where some people are very hurtful to anyone other than hetros -- it makes me nervous for kids who are otherwise and have grown up in accepting families because I don't know if they realize how hateful some people can be. I don't want them to find out in a way that hurts them. (I'm not sure if I'm making sense).

I disagree with the poster who compared sleepovers to other alone situations. There really aren't other huge blocks of time that my teens are unsupervised with peers. May be that it is different from different families, but my kids are supervised *most* of the time. Our experience has been that from about the age of 10, most sleepovers aren't supervised for *most* of the time. Kids have 8-10 hours to do whatever.


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## erigeron (Oct 29, 2010)

I would think talking to your daughter about her relationship with that friend would be in order. Just because she is attracted to some girls doesn't mean she's attracted to that friend, or that the friend is attracted to girls in general or to your daughter in particular. You could also spend time with the two of them in a non-sleepover context. If you're satisfied that they are just friends then I wouldn't see a problem with a sleepover. I would think you'd just have to evaluate it on a case-by-case basis, which I think would be a good idea anyway even if your daughter were straight.


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *erigeron*
> 
> I would think talking to your daughter about her relationship with that friend would be in order. Just because she is attracted to some girls doesn't mean she's attracted to that friend, or that the friend is attracted to girls in general or to your daughter in particular. You could also spend time with the two of them in a non-sleepover context. If you're satisfied that they are just friends then I wouldn't see a problem with a sleepover. I would think you'd just have to evaluate it on a case-by-case basis, which I think would be a good idea anyway even if your daughter were straight.


That's about what I was gonna say. I was also gonna say, although I wouldn't be crazy about my own child having sex with someone at 13, at least if it's not a boy, you don't have to worry about her getting pregnant. One less thing to worry about in case "something happens". Kids will find a way. I wasn't allowed to date or spend time unsupervised without an adult until I was an adult myself... and I worked around it.


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## GarysWife (May 16, 2013)

My rule was always if you are going to allow it at your house, make sure the other parents are aware of it and are on the same page as you.


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