# Please help me-my toddler is out of control



## nannymom (Jan 23, 2004)

I really need advice, symapthy, and guidance.
I will try to be breif(







) but here is a little back ground-my 22 month old is exhibiting the following behaviors

hitting (only me)
biting (only me)
running away from me
throwing objects and food when angry
hitting me with objects such as books or toys
inability to stop herself from undesirable activities even when I tell she needs to stop
She seems to delight in hurting me and she loves to run away from me







:

I have worked in child care for more than ten years but when it comes to my own child I feel that I have no idea where to start.

what I have tried so far-
ignoring her (assuming that she is trying to get a rise out of me)
instructing her to be gentle and showing her how to touch gently
and finally loosing my patience and yelling at her to stop.

Nothing has worked no matter how consistant I have tried to be.
My Dh thinks I am not being firm enough when I tell her not to abuse me, but I have tried being firm and she does not care. Sometimes her lack of concern for my feelings scares me. I also do not wish to scare her into behaving.a woman at a LLL meeting suggested putting her in time out but I realy don't beleive time out works although I will admit I am at my wits end and feel ready to try anything.

My fear is that I will not get a grip on these issues and she will A) move on from hurting me and hurt someone else and B) she will be the kind of child that is just completely out of control. I feel like I am failing her because she is so little and so angry. Also, I know this irrational but I often feel like she hates me because she abuses all day long.

Oh and let me ad-we don't hit or bite or watch violent tv

ignoring her (assuming what she likes is my reaction)


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nannymom* 
throwing objects and food when angry

Hace you tried telling her other, more acceptable ways to express her anger? "DD, don't throw. If you are angry, you can tell me/say "grrrr"/jump up and down/etc"

Quote:

hitting me with objects such as books or toys
Same thing. Find out WHY she's hitting you, then teach her a better way to express that.
My ds went through a phase where he'd hit me with books. I tried telling him not to, that I didn't like it. I tried leaving the room, etc. What fixed it? I realized that he was wanting me to read to him, and THAT was how he was telling me. So I told him "If you want me to read you the book, put it in my hands." He still remembers to do that, and its been a long time.
Telling a child to touch gently is helpful if their desire in the first place was to interact. If the desire was to express frustration for example, "touch gently" doesn't really give them a lot of useful information. kwim?

Quote:

inability to stop herself from undesirable activities even when I tell she needs to stop
Stopping is HARD! My ds (who I think is a really easy going child) would have a very hard time stopping if I just tell him to stop. What really really helps is to suggest other, related (if possible) activities. It is much easier to move on to something else, than it is to just stop doing something. For ex: "Stop hitting the window. Here, you can use a cloth to wipe the window."
Plus, if she's doing something (say, hitting) to express something (say she's angry), you telling her to stop doesn't take that impulse away. She's still angry, and hitting is still the best way she knows how to express it.

At ds's age now, sometimes I just say "What else could you do, that would be less annoying." (lol. ok I don't think I've ever said the annoying part. But I wouldn't swear to it). Then help him think of something.


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## Diane B (Mar 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nannymom* 
I really need advice, symapthy, and guidance.
I will try to be breif(







) but here is a little back ground-my 22 month old is exhibiting the following behaviors

hitting (only me)
biting (only me)
running away from me
throwing objects and food when angry
hitting me with objects such as books or toys
inability to stop herself from undesirable activities even when I tell she needs to stop
She seems to delight in hurting me and she loves to run away from me







:

Well, this seems like a list of pretty much normal behavior for her age - does it help to know that? It helps me!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nannymom* 
what I have tried so far-
ignoring her (assuming that she is trying to get a rise out of me)
instructing her to be gentle and showing her how to touch gently
and finally loosing my patience and yelling at her to stop.

In my experience, ignoring my daughter usually doesn't help. When she is behaving in some way that's annoying to me, she is usually looking for more connection with me, not less.

Showing her how to do gentle touch will work eventually - at least it seems to for us - but it takes a LONG time. In the meanwhile, I simply calmly say, "I am not going to be near you while you are kicking me. I will stand over here until you can stop." I check back in frequently to see if she is ready to "be gentle." Sometimes it takes a couple of tries.

You already know that losing your patience and yelling doesn't work, or you wouldn't be here!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *nannymom* 
My fear is that I will not get a grip on these issues and she will A) move on from hurting me and hurt someone else and B) she will be the kind of child that is just completely out of control. I feel like I am failing her because she is so little and so angry. Also, I know this irrational but I often feel like she hates me because she abuses all day long.

I think it is REALLY important that we don't attribute adult motives to child behavior. Your daughter is not acting this way because she hates you; she is not abusing you in the sense that another adult who is hitting you would. She will not turn into an amoral monster either - this behavior is very normal and, I think, correctable. There are lots of good posts in this forum on dealing with this behavior - just do a search on "hitting". Most children go through this stage and can be helped to move on through and become the kind and caring little people they truly are!

Good luck!


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## piglet0712 (Oct 11, 2006)

She might think that she's playing with you. I liked how someone said to give her a different option to express her anger. It might be something else???? Who knows? I'm currently reading the 5 Love Languages of Children and it's helped me with my own kids. Maybe you can check out that book for guidance.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Hi,

I second what others have said. Very normal. She doesn't hate you. She probably IS strong willed and persistent, which when she's 12 and having to learn math is a great thing. At 22 months, it's a pain.

Ignoring never worked for my kids either.

What did work was:
1. Prevention. If she's going to hit, bit you, grab her hand (gently) and keep it from making contact. Then help her hand be gentle. Once she's made contact, she's had the 'thrill' and anything you do after that is less effective. If she's getting close to you with her mouth, turn her around, move your body so she can't make contact. You want to devote 2 weeks or so to teaching her that this simply isn't allowed by preventing it as much as you can. After those 2 weeks, she'll probably do it some, but not nearly as much.

2. Removing yourself from her. If she's hitting you say "ouch, that hurts me. Please be gentle." If she does it again (despite your best prevention efforts, see #1), then stand up and say "ouch that hurts me. I'll play with you when you are gentle." then walk away for a minute or two. Doing this also gives ME a chance to cool off so I don't scream like a banshee. (And I find it's more effective than time out. Kids this age hate to be separated from you.)

3. Repeating, repeating, repeating yourself over and over again. She's 22 months. It takes thousands of repetitions for some messages to sink in.

For running off, sometimes if I make a game of it, it doesn't bother me so much, or her so much when I 'catch' her. It's usually a sign that she needs more 'chase' type games from me, so I work those into our routine.

Remember too that impulse control is non existant at this age. If they think it, they do it. There's no malice in it.


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## Rhiannon Feimorgan (Aug 26, 2005)

Lot's of good advice so far, I don't think i can add much to it other than i wen tthrough a very simmilar stage with ds when he was about that age. It got so I would cringe every time he can toward me because he almost always hurt me. I'm not sure if there was anything that I did that helped him move out of that phase but now at 6 he is a very well adjusted, kind, gentil boy.

Hang in there. It will pass.


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## nannymom (Jan 23, 2004)

Thank you all so much for all of the advice and support.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I think children need clear feedback on how their behavior is affecting others. I have no problem telling a small child, "Stop hitting me. I don't like that." with a stern look on my face, if it seems that it's just a game. I'm modeling standing up for myself, which is what we want our kids to do, right?

dar


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:

My fear is that I will not get a grip on these issues and she will A) move on from hurting me and hurt someone else and B) she will be the kind of child that is just completely out of control. I feel like I am failing her because she is so little and so angry. Also, I know this irrational but I often feel like she hates me because she abuses all day long.
I can understand these global, overwhelming sorts of fears. But I think if you can set them aside, then things will be much easier for you to deal with.

First, she doesn't hate you at all. She is abusing you because she feels safe and comfortable with you. She knows you will never reject her. She knows absolutely that you will always love her no matter what, so that makes you safe to pound on a little bit when she is frustrated. Really, that should make you feel good! You've done a good job making her feel unconditionally loved. And, this should aleviate your concerns about the possibility of moving on to hurt other people. She won't though, because kids always save their worst for the person they trust the most! And its universal -- many, many, many kids are well behaved with others and difficult with their mothers! Mine included!

And second -- this behavior now does not mean she will grow up to be wild and out of control. She is at a tough age because she doesn't have language yet to express her feelings. Things begin to change for the better, gradually and over time, when they start using language. And you can help to coach her by teaching her feeling words now.

Quote:

inability to stop herself from undesirable activities even when I tell she needs to stop
I also wanted to address this. It will help *you* if you just drop the expectation that she will follow verbal directions. Do not expect her to stop when she is told to stop. Always couple your words with action -- always stand up, walke over, and help her follow through when you give direction.

I think you are doing a wonderful job with your little girl, and I know she will grow past this behavior in time. I agree with Dar that its okay to let her know your feelings on the matter, and I also think that relaxing a little will go a long way toward easing your feelings on the matter.


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## CrunchyMamaOf3 (Apr 7, 2006)

I totally agree with trying to find out why she is doing this. It could be an age thing but my question is "What is she angry about when she's throwing things at you, biting you, hitting you?".. {{{Hugs}}} I wish you luck with your little one.
Blessings,


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