# dh hit ds



## homemademomma (Apr 1, 2004)

nak, sorry so short. this is the 2nd time dh has hit 3yo ds. he admits he thinks spanking is wrong, and he did it out of anger. it wasnt a planned out punishment, if that makes sense. he has also hit holes in the wall. what do i do? he is such a good dad otherwise.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

Couldn't read and not offer hugs. How terrible and upsetting for ds, you and probably dh too























Since your dh seems to want not to spank maybe he would be open to some anger management therapy? I wish him and you the best of luck.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Holes in the walls? This sounds like a major problem. I'd recommend counselling for everyone, to start with. Punching holes in the walls is not normal or acceptable behavior.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog* 
Holes in the walls? This sounds like a major problem. I'd recommend counselling for everyone, to start with. Punching holes in the walls is not normal or acceptable behavior.









: Big, BIG hugs to you - he soudns in some major need of anger management.


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## crazycandigirl (Mar 13, 2006)

I think he may need to talk to someone for some help in controlling anger. Such a short fuse is often linked with an anxiety disorder. Maybe some therapy or meditation would help. My doctors and nurses recomend breathing exersizes and meditation to help with anxiety, and though mine is more of a panic and insomnia problem, maybe the same techniques would be useful for your husband. Hugs to you! Make sure you keep youself and your little ones safe.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

homemademomma;6290908 he has also hit holes in the wall. what do i do? he is such a good dad otherwise. [IMG alt="" said:


> http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif[/IMG]


Is this also a cry for hel *for you*?

Please tell him he is not to lay a hand on DS ever again. That simple.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I am not sure why..

But, for some reason the fact that he hits holes in the walls concerns me the most. It tells me that he needs help controlling his anger. I would hate for his to use that kind of force on one of you or another adult. I hope you can help him to understand that this kind of a short fuse can lead to a very bad situation. As your son gets older, and more obstinate, your husband may have a harder time controlling his anger.


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## zeldamomma (Jan 5, 2006)

Well, I'm going to offer you some hope. My dh used to have a terrible time controlling his temper. He has always gone away from other people when he was really upset, but he did kick the wall once, which I found pretty alarming.

I managed to clearly explain to him how much these outbursts bothered me (he'd been having them all his life, so to him they were normal), and he took a look at what was triggering him. He figured out that he wasn't getting the time alone he needs (he's an introvert). He will still have an outburst once every year or two (he won't be violent, but he will be kind of out of control and GRUMPY), but all in all, it is much much better. When these outbursts do happen, we'll talk about why (generally it's when he's stressed and tired), and he does his best to keep it from happening again.

I would talk to your dh about how he wants to handle it-- perhaps he can figure out how to better manage his stress level on his own, or he may need help coming up with some strategies (which is what I believe anger management is all about).

((Hugs))

ZM


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Well, I think you can have explosive angry outbursts and still not ht anyone. Tell him he may never hurt your child again. My dad used to have fits like this, he'd break things, too. He once broke his hand while hitting the steering wheel because he'd forgotten something. And sometimes he broke very expensive things, like tractor parts. But he never hurt us, physically that is.

I would offer him support and empathy, but be clear that he is not to hurt your children. That's what my dh has done for me, after I've hit our children.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

I would put him on notice NOW that this is a deal breaker & the next time it happens you and DS are gone. And mean it. All the "he's a good dad otherwise..." doesn't matter. He needs help.


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## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

I'm so sorry - and I would definitely back up the suggestions for anger management or counseling.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Many, many, many times mothers have posted here who "lost it" and spanked although they do not believe it is right. I don't think it's very useful advice to have their dh tell her "if it happens one more time I will take the kids and you will never see them again". I don't think that is realistic or helpful if we are talking about someone spanking *twice* in frustration. If we are talking about someone beating their child in a rage, man or woman, that is dangerous and you need to get out. Spanking is legal and 91% of American parents will spank at least once (according to survey's I have read). For most parents "not spanking" is an ongoing process. For mothers AND fathers.

From all the posts I've ever read it seems that many men do throw things or kick/punch walls on rare occasions when they are really upset. He needs to stop because it is destructive and sets a bad example. I think a self-help program for men-perhaps anger management-could help him redirect his anger in a constructive way. Anger is normal and many, many men are never taught how to appropriately deal with it. He might find that running, exercise, or some other physical activity channels that aggressive for the better.

Of course if he is threatening you, or if his 'hitting" of your child wasn't a spanking, but more like a punch in the head...absolutely get out.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Yeah, I was going to ask -- "hit" him how, exactly? Did he punch him? Throw him against a wall, or smack him on the bottom? They are all wrong actions, but the first two are symptomatic of bigger problems and more immediate danger. It makes a difference in how I would respond to him.


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## Roxswood (Jun 29, 2006)

My dh has punched holes in doors and walls when he's angry, but not once have I ever felt frightened of him, I know this is his way of dealing with it so it doesn't worry my iyswim.

He has never felt even close to spanking dd luckily, although I have but then he was raised in a house with no spanking whereas I was spanked regularly.
Its hard not to spank when thats all you've ever known, its not just an anger issue I don't think, but a lack of other skills in dealing with it.
I'm lucky in that I had years of working as a nanny to work out these other skills and I still sometimes struggle. Reading How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk has helped me a lot, and actually trying to act of some of the situations with dh (when he's willing) goes a long way towards making sure that the responses occur to me in the heat of the moment.


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## wirewendy (Nov 19, 2005)

I can't tell from your post how he hit your son, but it sounds like it was definitely out of anger. I would take this very very seriously. Yes, it is true, that moms have lost it, but frankly, men and women are different. Going from hitting a wall to hitting a child is a very serious line to have crossed. I Your husband needs to get help, and I mean fast. No matter how good of a dad he is, it simply does not make up for violence, and that is what your husband is doing. Do not, I repeat DO NOT make excuses for him. It will haunt you forever. You need to find the courage to tell him that he needs to get help or, for the safety of your son, get out. You can do this in a loving way, but you must do it. It hasn't happened once, but twice.

Be strong, be tough, and remember, your son needs you to protect him.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

I'm still seeing the same comments about moms vs dads hitting.

Men and women may be different but HITTING is still the same. If a mom can work on her spanking problem and be given cyber support and hugs, why can't a father?


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## Joannarachel (Dec 10, 2005)

I understand you were nak, but I feel I can't comment without giving more details. When you say, 'hit', what do you mean? Did he get frustrated with DS and smack him on the behind as he walked away? Did he haul off and punch in the head with a closed fist?

The hitting holes in walls thing scares me, I'll be honest, mama. Has he ever hit you?


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## PrairieBohemian (Aug 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heartmama* 
Many, many, many times mothers have posted here who "lost it" and spanked although they do not believe it is right. I don't think it's very useful advice to have their dh tell her "if it happens one more time I will take the kids and you will never see them again". I don't think that is realistic or helpful if we are talking about someone spanking *twice* in frustration. If we are talking about someone beating their child in a rage, man or woman, that is dangerous and you need to get out. Spanking is legal and 91% of American parents will spank at least once (according to survey's I have read). For most parents "not spanking" is an ongoing process. For mothers AND fathers.

I have to agree with heartmama here...


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## PrairieBohemian (Aug 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Joannarachel* 
Did he haul off and punch in the head with a closed fist?

Just want to clarify...clearly THIS is another situation. If this is in fact what has happened, I will retract my words and suggest placing physical boundaries between an abuser and your child. Its my guess though that if it's only happened twice, its not of this calibre. Am I right?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wirewendy* 
You need to find the courage to tell him that he needs to get help or, for the safety of your son, get out. You can do this in a loving way, but you must do it.

And, what good would that do her ds? If her dh spanked the boy, as opposed to punching him, it's _legal_. That means that even if she left, he'd probably end up with court-ordered access, and I doubt it would be supervised. How does that protect a child? (Even if the dad _did_ punch him, she's going to have to be able to prove it in court.)

I see this on here a lot - the idea that a woman can protect her kids by just leaving. But, the dads have legal rights, and in many situations, leaving will just put the kids in the unsupervised hands of the other parent...with nobody present to have an ameliorative effect or act as a shield.

OP: It really sounds as though your dh needs anger management. He seems to reach a point where he just loses it, and that's potentially very dangerous.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heartmama* 
Many, many, many times mothers have posted here who "lost it" and spanked although they do not believe it is right. I don't think it's very useful advice to have their dh tell her "if it happens one more time I will take the kids and you will never see them again". I don't think that is realistic or helpful if we are talking about someone spanking *twice* in frustration. If we are talking about someone beating their child in a rage, man or woman, that is dangerous and you need to get out. Spanking is legal and 91% of American parents will spank at least once (according to survey's I have read). For most parents "not spanking" is an ongoing process. For mothers AND fathers.

I agree. For some of us who were raised in a society where spanking was perfectly acceptable, and sometimes the only option to discipline a child, it can be very conditioned into us. That means, that even if we KNOW that it's wrong, and we KNOW that it won't help, it can happen in the heat of the moment.
I'd be willing to bet, that the guilt of those two spankings will "teach" the op's dp more than any words that could come out of her mouth. (That's if the hittings were indeed spankings, and he does indeed believe that spanking is wrong. If it were anything else, like the pp's have said, then imo its an entirely different story).

I don't know much about the punching holes in walls. It sounds bad to me, and it might mean that there is much more to the story than we can see in the post. But then, I don't have any experience there.

Just wanted to share what I did have experience with.


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## june'smom (Nov 8, 2003)

I really hate to see this kind of sexism in parenting here at MDC. A father who "hits" a child should be left and never spoken to again, but a mother who "hits" should read a book?!?!

Parenting is hard. And I agree that most men have not been taught appropriate ways to channel any emotion, but especially anger. It is seen as "manly" to punch a wall. It is not "manly" to sit down and discuss in detail how tired and stressed you are and how you really need a break from your life.

My husband has hit walls. He has broken his hand hitting a car. But he has never ever hit our kids. Or me. Of course he needs help dealing with his anger, but I don't see how divorcing him would help. Or even threatening it.

To the OP, I would just talk calmly and firmly about what you expect and how you feel about it. Then ask him what he is willing to do to change his response to stress and anger. If he is resentful and angry about anger management classes, he is probably going to learn less.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *june'smom* 
I really hate to see this kind of sexism in parenting here at MDC. A father who "hits" a child should be left and never spoken to again, but a mother who "hits" should read a book?!?!

No kidding! I am a person who gets angry in what may be a typically "masculine" way. Once I broke a cabinet door in our kitchen because I kicked it. Just this summer I broke a coffee cup because I slammed a book down on the table. I even got in a few fights in college. This is a very embarrassing and difficult thing for me to admit, and yet my dh knows all about it. I can't think of anything less helpful than having him tell me he was leaving me when I confessed to him, sobbing, that I had spanked our dd. I know it scared him and upset him, I know he was very mad at me. But he was so forgiving too. Like the pps said, unless it was really, truly frighteningly violent and abusive, I think making an ultimatum is unfair, and unhelpful.


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## jessjgh1 (Nov 4, 2004)

I'm slightly puzzled that 'hitting' 2 times in 3 years is also so 'horrible' as to elicit such drastic suggestions. Granted, I read this 1st post and wasn't sure what she meant by 'hitting', but if it was within the realm of the mistakes many people trying to avoid spanking make, I'm actually impressed with dad. He's doing better than I have (not that I like to admit it).

From my personal experience and open discussion with other moms trying to use GD methods, we've all fell short of our goals and resorted to other methods at times (shouting or spank/hitting or pushing back)

Perhaps I need anger management too, because I have lost it and 'hit' or pushed my ds in frustration when he was doing something I found dangerous and frustrating (and more than 2 times, and my son is 2 1/2). It was horrible because I felt horrible, and now he's at the age where I DO have to explain to him my mistake and apologize and I see that he doesn't understand when I've lashed out-- he's just devastated. But he's also at the age that he calls me on things "Stop it mommy, don't push me." As I've been know to push him away from our growling dog when he 'pushes' the limits of the dog (and sometimes the pushing is protective, and I don't even 'realize' its harshness).

I do understand that there are times when hitting is inappropriate and too dangerous and immediate help is needed.... but there are so many of us that are coping with this issue that never had gentle discipline modelled to us... and that makes it, sometimes, very difficult (and easy to fall back on something else). It also makes it hard to know how to deal with these situations (how do you apologize/handle it, tips for avoiding, etc.)

So some help navigating the op'ers question is great, but I think before jumping to conclusions there shoud be some discussion of *how* to figure out where the line is drawn between these mistakes, which we rapidly learn from and something that is a pattern that needs more help and needs to be changed asap.

I hope that makes sense. Tis late.

Jessica


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *june'smom* 
I really hate to see this kind of sexism in parenting here at MDC. A father who "hits" a child should be left and never spoken to again, but a mother who "hits" should read a book?!?!

Parenting is hard. And I agree that most men have not been taught appropriate ways to channel any emotion, but especially anger. It is seen as "manly" to punch a wall. It is not "manly" to sit down and discuss in detail how tired and stressed you are and how you really need a break from your life.

My husband has hit walls. He has broken his hand hitting a car. But he has never ever hit our kids. Or me. Of course he needs help dealing with his anger, but I don't see how divorcing him would help. Or even threatening it.

To the OP, I would just talk calmly and firmly about what you expect and how you feel about it. Then ask him what he is willing to do to change his response to stress and anger. If he is resentful and angry about anger management classes, he is probably going to learn less.

I agree. Spanking/hitting is all the same, no matter who its from. But since this is a predominately women forum then of course...there will probably be a little sexism unfortunately.


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## jessjgh1 (Nov 4, 2004)

So another question (since I don't think I saw it).... what should the offending adult do after s/he makes this mistake?

How do we explain or apologize to the child we hit? Etc.

Jessica


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## PatchyMama (Dec 6, 2002)

I dont have any advice or an opinion really BUT I think you can't compare a mom coming here asking for help because her dh hit and a mom coming here to ask for help because she hit. The better comparison is what would we say to a father who came here and complained that his wife spanked his child? Would the reaction be the same or no? thats the correct comparison









I think if a father came here because he hit he would have received the same advice about reading a book or getting help as the many woman who have posted here because they spanked.

This situation is not comparable to that, tho I am not saying I agree he should be given an ultimatum. I do think some anger management may be helpful tho... 3 is a relatively easy age compared to 4 and 5 IMO... it may only get more frustrating for him so it can't hurt to have some tools to help him deal with it.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Patchymama I see that. I was actually thinking, if a husband came here and said 'My dw spanked our child twice"...the advice would have been supportive. Heck even if he said 'she also threw a coffee mug against the wall and broke it one day", I still think people would be saying "Wow she sounds really stressed. Is she getting time alone? Does she ever get breaks? Does she have a counselor she can talk too?". I really don't think anybody would say "Tell her if she spanks again you will take the children away from her".


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Nope. She wouldn't be getting support from me! No tolenrence for this. None. How will she look her child in the eye when he's older & askes why she didn't protect him? Seriously.







:


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## homemademomma (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
Yeah, I was going to ask -- "hit" him how, exactly? Did he punch him? Throw him against a wall, or smack him on the bottom? They are all wrong actions, but the first two are symptomatic of bigger problems and more immediate danger. It makes a difference in how I would respond to him.

sorry, it was like a spanking. i feel like i would be less upset (or maybe upset in a different way??) if the hitting was on purpose, like if he thought it was a good thing, kwim?? it freaks me out that he did it in anger. and yea, i have comethisclose to hitting ds once or twice, but i think the hitting combined with the holes in the wall are what bother me. he does need counseling. it frustrates me because i feel like he gets overwhelmed with the kids but will not take me up on my offers to give him more time to himself. the only thing he does for himself is his WoW, which he reserves for after the children have gone to bed.

so i guess he needs counseling, and he needs to communicate to me and/or figure out what he needs so that he isnt so stressed out. i have talked to him. thank you everyone

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zeldamomma* 
He figured out that he wasn't getting the time alone he needs (he's an introvert). He will still have an outburst once every year or two (he won't be violent, but he will be kind of out of control and GRUMPY), but all in all, it is much much better. When these outbursts do happen, we'll talk about why (generally it's when he's stressed and tired), and he does his best to keep it from happening again.

I would talk to your dh about how he wants to handle it-- perhaps he can figure out how to better manage his stress level on his own, or he may need help coming up with some strategies (which is what I believe anger management is all about).ZM ((Hugs))


i feel like dp doesnt get enough time alone, and i try to give him the time he needs, but i feel like he martyrs himself. he will take ds for a couple of hours on the weekend so i can relax with dd, but even if i offer he rarely takes me up on it. he gets grumpy and seems depressed sometimes, and a couple times it has gotten so bad that i have told him i cannot handle having a partner who always seems so depressed, and he needs to tell me how i can help him, or get help himself, because i cant constantly try to guess what he needs!!


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## PrairieBohemian (Aug 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rmzbm* 
Nope. She wouldn't be getting support from me! No tolenrence for this. None. How will she look her child in the eye when he's older & askes why she didn't protect him? Seriously.







:

I was raised in a family where spanking was not the norm, but it did happen. From my experience, there were far worse things done to me as "punishment" than a smack on the bum. Whereas a bum-smack can remain connected to the immediate event, love-withdrawl taught me I was UNlovable unless I was perfect. In the long run, this did far more psycological damage than any spankings I may have received.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I think spanking out of anger/frustration happens because spanking is such an integral part of our culture. We are conditioned to resort to this, even if it didn't happen to us -- its sort of hanging around the backs of our minds as an option.

Its different from exploding and beating up a child, kwim? Still very serious, but the way it needs to be dealt with is different. Along with anger management skills, we need to explore our assumptions about children and discipline, and work on developing new tools.

Therapy/counseling is not a bad idea. But he could also make some progress by 1) reading, 2) disscussing what he is learning with supportive people (like you,) 3) journalling, and 4) parenting classes. All these options are cheaper than counseling.


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## crazycandigirl (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *homemademomma* 
so i guess he needs counseling, and he needs to communicate to me and/or figure out what he needs so that he isnt so stressed out. i have talked to him. thank you everyone

It sounds like a great plan.







I hope that things get better for you all!


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## PrairieBohemian (Aug 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
Therapy/counseling is not a bad idea. But he could also make some progress by 1) reading, 2) disscussing what he is learning with supportive people (like you,) 3) journalling, and 4) parenting classes. All these options are cheaper than counseling.

GREAT SUGGESTIONS! Councelling isn't always an option and much progress can be made with these ideas.


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## honeybee (Mar 12, 2004)

What about suggesting couples counseling or going together to a parenting class? Then it's not about him needing "fixing," but about both of you getting tools for communicating better and for better parenting skills. He might be less resistant to these ptions.

I've twice hit ds1 when I was extremely frustrated and overwhelmed (once was a protective instinct after he bit the new baby). Neither time actually hurt him physically, but he was quite upset, and so was I. It wasn't the act so much as the losing control part that bothered me.


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## Talula Fairie (Jan 7, 2005)

"tell him he is never to hit the child again. that simple"

Don't you think, if it were that simple, since he doesn't even want to be doing it, he wouldn't have done it in the first place? If he simply thought of it as "this is wrong so I won't do it" he wouldn't have spanked!

My DH does not have anger problems, but I do. I was pretty severely abused my entire childhood, and it's been...difficult to overcome to say the least. I've spent years of therapy and I take medication as well. I've not punched a hole in the wall but over time from kicking a door I've put a hole in it. I've shut myself in the bathroom and thrown a small table, breaking it and putting a hole in the door (the doors in this apartment are very cheaply made, about as thin as cardboard...shocking considering the rent they charge...I digress).

In any case, if my husband were to say to me "don't ever lose your temper again or spank our child" it wouldn't be That Simple. If I could always stay in control of my emotions and never "lose it" I would. I have immense guilt from my inability to completely control my temper. It doesn't make me a bad parent. It's going to take me time to heal and change my behavior. Taking medication has helped quite a bit, and I am seeking help through every avenue I can think of. I've made great improvements, but it's been two steps forward one step back. It's going to be a long road before I have complete control over my temper. Mostly my issues are just with yelling, the other incidents are very rare and have not happened in some time.

My point here is that anger is a really, really hard problem to deal with and it is usually rooted in both a chemcial imbalance and an abusive past (actually I think abuse causes chemical imbalances, but that's a whole other conversation). It's not something we can simply "deal with." It takes time, therapy, effort to change. I hope that the OP's DH can get help and improve his behavior.


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## L&IsMama (Jan 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Talula Fairie* 
"tell him he is never to hit the child again. that simple"

Don't you think, if it were that simple, since he doesn't even want to be doing it, he wouldn't have done it in the first place? If he simply thought of it as "this is wrong so I won't do it" he wouldn't have spanked!

My DH does not have anger problems, but I do. I was pretty severely abused my entire childhood, and it's been...difficult to overcome to say the least. I've spent years of therapy and I take medication as well. I've not punched a hole in the wall but over time from kicking a door I've put a hole in it. I've shut myself in the bathroom and thrown a small table, breaking it and putting a hole in the door (the doors in this apartment are very cheaply made, about as thin as cardboard...shocking considering the rent they charge...I digress).

In any case, if my husband were to say to me "don't ever lose your temper again or spank our child" it wouldn't be That Simple. If I could always stay in control of my emotions and never "lose it" I would. I have immense guilt from my inability to completely control my temper. It doesn't make me a bad parent. It's going to take me time to heal and change my behavior. Taking medication has helped quite a bit, and I am seeking help through every avenue I can think of. I've made great improvements, but it's been two steps forward one step back. It's going to be a long road before I have complete control over my temper. Mostly my issues are just with yelling, the other incidents are very rare and have not happened in some time.

My point here is that anger is a really, really hard problem to deal with and it is usually rooted in both a chemcial imbalance and an abusive past (actually I think abuse causes chemical imbalances, but that's a whole other conversation). It's not something we can simply "deal with." It takes time, therapy, effort to change. I hope that the OP's DH can get help and improve his behavior.









Very well put.


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## homemademomma (Apr 1, 2004)

thank you everyone. this problem seems so much more manageable after reading some of these replies


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Talula Fairie* 
"tell him he is never to hit the child again. that simple"

Don't you think, if it were that simple, since he doesn't even want to be doing it, he wouldn't have done it in the first place? If he simply thought of it as "this is wrong so I won't do it" he wouldn't have spanked!

My DH does not have anger problems, but I do. I was pretty severely abused my entire childhood, and it's been...difficult to overcome to say the least. I've spent years of therapy and I take medication as well. I've not punched a hole in the wall but over time from kicking a door I've put a hole in it. I've shut myself in the bathroom and thrown a small table, breaking it and putting a hole in the door (the doors in this apartment are very cheaply made, about as thin as cardboard...shocking considering the rent they charge...I digress).

In any case, if my husband were to say to me "don't ever lose your temper again or spank our child" it wouldn't be That Simple. If I could always stay in control of my emotions and never "lose it" I would. I have immense guilt from my inability to completely control my temper. It doesn't make me a bad parent. It's going to take me time to heal and change my behavior. Taking medication has helped quite a bit, and I am seeking help through every avenue I can think of. I've made great improvements, but it's been two steps forward one step back. It's going to be a long road before I have complete control over my temper. Mostly my issues are just with yelling, the other incidents are very rare and have not happened in some time.

My point here is that anger is a really, really hard problem to deal with and it is usually rooted in both a chemcial imbalance and an abusive past (actually I think abuse causes chemical imbalances, but that's a whole other conversation). It's not something we can simply "deal with." It takes time, therapy, effort to change. I hope that the OP's DH can get help and improve his behavior.

Hi Talula, you quoted me that's why I am responding to you. I totally agree with you...it is not "that simple". You are exactly right. Thank you for correcting me.


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## spatulagirl (Feb 21, 2002)

I just wanted to offer the OP a hug







I posted once or twice about my DH spanking our DS and got the same mix of advice







Many told me to leave him. many told me just to tell him to stop.

It has taken us a year of talking, communications, taking steps forward, taking a few back, and really talking about what triggers him to want to spank. We also had to find a common ground in terms of discipline and he needed more support from me. So we found a balance. SOme of it is not how I would choose to handle situations but I offered him my support as long as it didn't involve belittling, spanking, hitting or namecalling. Sometimes I have to step in for him. Sometimes he screws up.

Sometimes I screw up. I yelled last night and it was bad, I just felt stressed and the kids were destroying everything and I snapped. And he stepped in and smoothed it over and interviened before I lost it more. I was proud of him for that


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Kate! I'm so glad to hear from you and get an update! It sounds like slow but sure progress in your corner of the world.


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