# "Why can't Sara take care of it for you?!!" MIL strikes again.



## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I am struggleing with my mother in law...even though I have not spoken to her since April 21st. I worked through her judgemental comments that were administered before my babies died...I was feeling like that part of my pain was easeing. Like I was learning to let it go...had put it in the place that knows that people say things without thinking...or...say things after over thinking but forgetting that saying them is rude, no matter what your opinion may be. She is one of those people that does both.

In any case...last night, My husband was talking to his mom on the phone. She had good news, her cancer is gone. I felt tears welling in my eyes...I thought to myself "at least my children won't lose their grandma too..." I was really glad to over hear that...truley. She had bad news too...her golden retriever that eats her plants, anything she leaves on the floor, jumps on everyone, barks constantly, pees in the house....etc...etc...etc..had to be put to sleep because he had cancer. She was so very sad about it, and my husband was being empathetic. She is also chooseing to move to the east coast, away from Hawaii...which seems insane to both her sons, and their wives, and all the grandkids. We all love it there. Who wouldn't??

Sooo...then she asked my husband how he was, and he mentioned that he was rideing his bike to and from work (I will mention here that it is a 10 mile ride to work, and the ride back home includes a rather steep, exhilerating 2 miles up the mountain to our home...) for two reasons. 1) because our car is suddenly stalling at stop signs (as if we need more drama in our lives!) and seems unsafe to drive until we can afford to have it looked at and 2) because he is working through depression effectively by doing a lot of excersize. (I would love to do the same, but since I am so weak and dizzy from the anemia, I am limited to short slow walks and very gentle yoga...not really what one considered cardiovascular)

I could HEAR her voice across the room as she moaned and groaned about all the bad luck he has been having. "The stress of having Sara lose the babies, her getting pregnant in the first place, and now THIS! Why can't Sara take the car down while you are at work?!! Is she doing anything to help?? Why can't she take care of it for you?!!"

My guy looked over at me quickly and could tell I had heard her just by looking at me. He explained that he did not want me to drive a car that might leave me stranded somewhere, that I was in no shape to walk back up the mountain if it did, that someone needed to be with the kids, and he didn't want me stranded with all of them, and that it is easy as cake for him to ride his bike back home if the car stalled on him when he takes it to get fixed, that he is actually planning on riding his bike all summer anyway, that I am severely aneimic, totally depressed and so anxious that I practicly peed my pants yesterday when a dog barked at me, that I do huge amounts of work inspite of the fact that it leaves me pale and wasted by the end of the day, and that it wasn't my fault that I got pregnant, and certainly not my fault that our babies died.

SHe schreaked that she didn't mean it like that. I heard that too.

But....let me ask you...how DID she mean it?

Could she seriously NOT understand how devastated I am? Physically and mentally? Did she not hear her son tell her that he enjoys riding his bike? Did she not understand that we are recovering from a crisis? We lost our babies that we loved? One of whom we never got to see?

Everytime I think of my babies...it is that I see the one I got to hold...and then...there is the baby I never saw...didn't know I had...would have wanted to hold warm against my breast with his brother. Wanted them both...

She just wants me to jump up and say "Hey! I am all better and as perky as a button!"

She is crying about her damn dog dieing, something she knew was going to happen for months and months...and she can't understand why I am still crying about my BABIES?? (that in all honesty she is relieved we are not having!!! She "just can't imagine how we could have coped with TWINS!"














) I GET why she is sad about her dog!! Even though he was a pain in the a%&* she LOVED him. She LOVED him!!! I don't get why she doesn't understand that I am healing emotionally and physically from terribly traumatic events...and I don't get why she doesn't HEAR her son when he says he LIKES to ride his bike, even though he is partly doing it because our car is broken...Noooo...for her...it is just that I am a big parasite that drains her son of all his life force.

for her, If he is working through depression, it is MY fault that he is depressed in the first place because I am the one who had to go and get pregnant, and then lose the baby, and then almost die hemorraging finding out it was twins. My fault.

I'd like to tell her how well her son is doing since she can't seem to hear him.
YES...he is sad...his babies died. But...he smiles more than anything else! His excersizing is helping. His great job is helping. His outlook on life itself is helping. He is resiliant and he is effective at taking care of himself. He is happy overall. I see him shineing every day...whatever he is doing...it is working for him. He is in love with his babies...sad that he won't get to play with them...know them...but doing well with their place in his heart.

I love my mother in law. I am glad her cancer is gone. I am sorry her dog died. I am sorry she doesn't seem to understand.

but...I am so sick and tired of her not understanding. I am sick and tired of being seen as a burden on her son...we LOVE each other!! I am sick and tired of being blamed for everything that goes wrong either indirectly or directly.

My husband held me for a long time while I cried. He is going to call his mother from his office from now on--to spare me hearing what she says.

but...I still know she thinks it...and I still know she says it...

I don't know how I am ever going to be able to see her again without pushing her down the stairs.

it is hard to feel like that about someone you care about.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so sorry that your MIL thinks those things and that she said them, it was so hurtful of her. I've also had some issues wiht my MIL - I don't understand how they can *not* understand, and it hurts so much. You deserve so much better. I'm glad for you that your husband has found some inspiration in his life through his bike riding. Wishing you healing and peaceful thoughts.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

i don't know why people say such callous things, i just don't. to be concerned about her son's well being and wanting to baby him is fine but blaming YOU for it is not!

my grandmother-in-law said horrible things about our baby while i was pregnant with him, just horrible and insensitive. after he died, she stayed with us for two weeks and every time she fussed over my dh, i felt that she was blaming me for his pain and that *I* wasn't fixing it for him, as though we both weren't suffering together. now in your situation, your mil actually SAID as much and i'm so sorry. that is just all sorts of wrong.


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## notjustmamie (Mar 7, 2007)

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.









I don't really have any advice other than to tell her (or have DH tell her) that you (as a family) are no longer going to discuss this with her. If she's willing to stick to that, great. If not, personally, I wouldn't be talking to her anymore and I'd ask DH to not accept her calls as well.

I hope you're able to find a solution that works well for your family.


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## RaelynsMama (Oct 26, 2008)

You are being so strong, and I feel for your pain and for your troubles with your MIL, it is the last thing you need right now. Some peple never learn empathy or how to say the appropiate thing. For some strange reason that usually seems to be mother in laws....






















Big hugs to you, You are a survivor and I know it's hard, but you can't internalize her awful words, much easier said than done, but ignore her, she's a non issue. Right now, the important things are you, your beautiful family, and your journey towards peace and healing. Allow yourself to be filled with love for your family, those here, and those waiting for you beyond, so much love in fact, that there is no room for your MIL to hurt you more than you already are. Thinking of you...


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I think that it hurts so much because I've always wanted her to really really love me. I didn't have a mother who was able to do that...she has borderline personality disorder and is a perscription drug addict...and was really hopeful that the woman who was so nurturing to her son would want to love me as the daugther she never had. It hurts because after all of these years, I have never been good enough for her. She says she loves me, but it always feels like the kind of love she would have had for a really devoted cook, or nanny...you love them, but...if they had to move on...oh well. I say it like that because she is from that elitist background of people who happen to have nannys and cooks....very unlike my own background and ansestry. "Her people" came over on the mayflower. My people cleaned their bathrooms until they could earn enough to move west! both of her sons married woman that were deeply removed from that white bread WASP background, and it has been such a trial for my "poor" mother in law to have one wonderful Thai woman who came from a poor village in Thailand that her eldest son met in the Peace Core, and to have her youngest (my guy) marry a short, plump, frizzy haired woman with scotch-french-Irish ansestry, who is "overly" fertile. Sigh. The poor woman just doesn't know how to love what she doesn't understand. I know she wants to love us...I know she is embarressed that she is so narrow...I know she tries her best. It's just that her best includes treating me like crap and acting like she didn't mean to.

You are all right...I don't need this right now. I never needed it. I am glad my husband is so wonderful...it really helps.

Thank you for understanding...may we all learn from our mother in laws, even if what we learn is how NOT to behave toward our childrens spouses!! SERIOUSLY!!!

Love you ladies. much.


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

because my MIL is also not very good with me. We lost one of our twin daughters after a 9 week early birth. She lived 3 hours. My MIL hates when I talk about my daughter, took me to task for not being and doing what is expected because I was depressed about it. Spread through the whole family that I was a basket case (which I was not, I was getting help and still homeschooling and being active in my church, etc. ) so I had to correct that impression with everyone. The best word for her is thoughtless. She is continually thoughtless. I am very direct when I don't like what she says and I avoid seeing her as much as I can.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Isn't it strange that people who are so uncomfortable with their own feelings, and have spent thier lives hideing them from others are so adimate that that is the healthy way to be? Don't they feel that relentless ache? I don't understand why grieveing is such a taboo process...that anyone puts a time limit, or a depth limit on how much you should grieve is horrendous to me. I find that it makes everything worse when I feel like someone expects me to feel better. I feel the way I feel...and I have better moments, and worse moments. I may seem like a basketcase to some...and that is partly why I am "in hiding" for the most part. I don't want to be judged...or talked about...so I give them (relatives...friends) very little information about anything. I feel safer that way. But I also can feel terribly alone. I wish there was a way to just be what I am around everyone...so that I could feel less alone. As I keep saying...at least my husband understands...not that he doesn't wish I felt happier..he does. But...he understands.

and so do all of you.

thanks for not leaving me alone.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:

I think that it hurts so much because I've always wanted her to really really love me.
Yeah, that one is yours to let go of. Hard as it is, I'm afraid







I learned this lesson the hard way with MIL1, and now with MIL2 I don't do it anymore. If/When you can let it go, it's very freeing. The words, whatever they might be, don't carry as much weight or cut anywhere near as deep anymore.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry. What a horrible thing to have to endure..esp while grieving.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

That just makes me so mad! Someone needs to tell that woman off! Seriously, I would refuse to accept any more calls or anything from her. I would tell my dh that he needs to either put her in her place or not talk to her, either. I don't give a damn who's mother she is. If she's being mean and nasty, she needs to go.


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Ugh. Why do MIL's not get how deeply loosing children cuts? My MIL too has gotten after me on various things that 'need to be done' and she just adores telling Dh what I *should* be doing to get "all better" (as in holding babies when referencing to our upcoming family vacation that I intend to only go for a little while... because my neice, 3 weeks older than Fiona, will be there).

At times like this families need more support and unconditional love. Not some made up guidelines of what grief should be to *them*.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

That's how it is with my aunt in law and fil. She compared my grief to putting her dog down, which she was prepared for weeks to do. While I know they are not "happy" this has happened to our family, I know they are relieved at us not having a third baby, since they were and sometimes still are upset we had a second child. There were quite a bit of resentful feelings in the room when we visited them on vaca, most of it I'm sure on my end. I can definately sympathize with that tension you have with your mil.
I don't know why people put a time frame on grief either. My dh knows it still upsets me. I've been really in a funk for the past few days. My two good friends here know I'm still grieving and working through it. But the family doesn't get it. Aren't those the people who are supposed to get it?


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