# How do you know if you're a bad mom?



## Qestia (Sep 26, 2005)

I mean, there ARE bad moms out there. And not just ones who neglect or beat their kids--there are other ways to be a bad parent. How would I know if I was one? Because sometimes frankly I think I'm pretty close... when do I cross the line from having multiple bad days or moments to actually just being overall bad?


----------



## 34me (Oct 2, 2006)

IMO, if you are questioning it, you aren't...


----------



## holz (Sep 25, 2009)

IMO, if this is a worry of yours, you're probably not a bad parent 

We all have rough days or weeks. Of course, I don't know the specifics of your situation, but wanted to send some reassurance- I think we tend to have high expectations for ourselves that aren't always realistic.


----------



## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Agree with pp. I don't know what your definition of a "good mom" is, or what your standards and expectations are for yourself. Unfortunately, some think that if she isn't a perfect mom, then she is a bad mom. If you are struggling, however, I hope you can find some support and help.


----------



## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

My definition is similar to the others, if you are questioning it then you are not a bad mother. By questioning you are opening yourself up for reflection and possibly changing some ways. IMO a bad mother doesn't reflect, she just is. We all could do things differently if we have more time, sleep, money, patience, the list is endless. but the vast majority of parents try to do their best with what they have. There will always be bad days, weeks, months, even years.


----------



## shantimama (Mar 11, 2002)

I don't think that is a question anyone can really answer. We all have different definitions of what makes a bad day or a bad moment. Asking the question is always a good sign









Can you make a list for yourself of the parenting things you are doing that you feel really good about? Then make a list of the specific things you are struggling with, those things that prompted you to start this thread. If you are doing some things that trouble you, try tackling them one at a time. You can't change everything at once. And keep referring back to that first list to see how much you are already doing well. When you have changed behaviour that you believe needed to be changed, add it to the "good" list!

Maybe your expectations of yourself as a mother are unrealistic and too high and you can work on making them more reasonable. Maybe there are some areas you need to work on - the fact that you are asking and thinking about it is good! We all need to do that from time to time.

I agree with other posters that simply asking the question is a sign that you are on the right path but I do not agree that just because someone is asking, then they don't have to worry about being a bad mother. That is often the case but asking can also be a sign that something really is wrong and we are just beginning to realize it.


----------



## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

"Bad mom" is an all-encompassing and debilitating label. Like so many labels, it accuses, it damns, it stops discussion and growth. And it serves no purpose except to belittle and shame. Because think of it...human beings are fluid creatures, always changing, learning, growing (or regressing). There is no fixed thing called a "bad mom."

Being freed from the label can free you to look at your practices, and how they measure up in your eyes. Not against a "good mom" or "bad mom" label, but against your values.

So first, lay out your values. Second, look at your parenting practices and see how each one meets or conflicts with your values. Then if you see any which don't fit with your values, say "I can change that starting NOW."

To label yourself is crippling. Take it from one who's been there.

So, to be specific, here is an example. If your values are to raise loving children who have what it takes to succeed in this world long after you are gone, you can take a look at what that looks like. What tools would get you there, and to what extent do you do them? Like, you want them to be loving, and you know that your being loving will teach them that. So any time you snuggle or kiss your kids, or greet them with a warm smile, you've advanced that particular value. If, in addition to those nice things, you screamed at them to hurry the hell up getting dressed, you forgive yourself and maybe you even talk to your kids "Sorry kids, I wasn't very loving toward you just then. I'm going to try real hard to do better." You would then be (a) doing a very loving thing by reconnecting honestly with them and (b) you'd be modeling just how THEY can do the same when they act out.

Take it issue by issue without the value judgements, and before long you will be moving your parenting along in a better direction, because NOBODY thrives under harsh judgement. Nobody. It wasn't set up like that in nature. ((hugs))


----------



## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Start with the basics....

are the kids fed, clothed and adequately slept?

do you have some positive interactions with said children during the day?

or if not....

have you provided adequate "other care" so that the kids are having positive human interaction during the day?

If you do have these bases covered, I'd look into what makes you feel like you are getting it wrong? Is the house too gross and dirty? Do you not have friends or playdates over? Is your support systems a parent inadequate for emergencies?

Good luck!


----------



## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I know moms who are trying really, really hard, but they are just bad Moms. One in particular has so many issues that she just absolutely cannot handle her children most days. She's a bad mom who knows it, and is trying to get help...but, help is actually really hard to come by.

I know other moms who think they are the most awesome, perfect moms in the whole world, and they think they are doing it all right, when they aren't doing any better than the moms who are just barely getting through each day.

If you aren't constantly angry at your kids... if they aren't walking on eggshells waiting for you to snap, then you are doing a good job... if they are fed, clean, warm, safe, then you are doing a good job.

If they are frequently hiding in a bedroom, or trying very hard to avoid you, or if they are often cold, hungry, or in danger, then maybe look for some help.

There's a lot of grey area between kids sleeping outside the strip club, and kids who's mom can whip up a Bento lunch that looks just like Hello Kitty. Most of us fall in the middle somewhere.


----------



## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

Words to live by!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nextcommercial*
> 
> There's a lot of grey area between kids sleeping outside the strip club, and kids who's mom can whip up a Bento lunch that looks just like Hello Kitty. Most of us fall in the middle somewhere.


----------



## tangledblue (Apr 5, 2008)

I think it is very unlikely that you are a "bad mother." Look at your strengths in parenting as well as your weaknesses. We all have moments where we feel like we've really screwed up, or bad days, or rough periods in our lives. But if your kids' physical needs are met and they feel loved and secure, I think you are doing ok. That's the minimum and I bet that you are doing more than that.

Early on in parenting I had the blessed realization that I was not the only influence on my daughter's life; she had her daddy, grandparents, and would someday have teachers, friends, etc. She was going to find what she needed from others as well as from me, thank goodness.

Also, guilt is unproductive. Easy to say, I know, but if there is something bothering you about how you are handling things, take some time to figure out a way to change it. Take some quiet time to think or write about it, or read one of the parenting books out there that can actually be helpful (as opposed to those that just make you neurotic!)--I like the Positive Discipline series and many other folks have recommended Siblings without Rivalry.

Last, other stressors can make parenting much harder. Are there any stressors that you can reduce or eliminate in your life? Or even just think of things in a different way (for me, an example would be that I tend to obsess about being on time, but really, it doesn't matter if we're a few minutes late and it is actually counterproductive to get into a power struggle with my 3 y.o. when we are running late. etc.)

If there are changes in your children or elsewhere in your life that might be triggering this question, ask yourself what else might be responsible. Your own feelings and reactions might be a manifestation of some other problem (for instance, if one of your kids is acting out because of a rough school situation.)

Hope that helps!


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nextcommercial*
> 
> If they are frequently hiding in a bedroom, or trying very hard to avoid you,


unless they are 12.









I've wrestled with the "am I a good enough mom" question a lot myself. My mom thought she was a good mom, but she wasn't. In huge ways that effected my sister and I deeply.

I've been at this mom thing for 15 years and I still don't know the answer. What was "good parenting" when they were babies was really different than when they were small children, and different again to being a good parent to them now that they are teens. I'm not the perfect mom, and sometimes I feel like I'm floundering around trying to figure things out. I didn't have great role models for this family-life thing going up (which relates to a lot of book reading and message board participation).

Sometimes I handle a situation one way, but later reflect and think how I would handle that same situation given a second chance. I usually get the second chance, and I've done a lot of personal growth through parenting.

I try to keep it real with my kids -- no pretending that I'm All Knowing. I try to remember that their feelings are always valid. All feelings are accepted, but not all actions. I try to speak to them in ways that are respectful. I don't get everything right, but my kids know that they are unconditionally loved. They know I've always got their back.

(and I cannot pack cute lunches.)


----------



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i learnt this from my own experience.

i held a lot against my mother all these years. its only after i became a mother that i discovered that really my mom was just trying to do the best she could. and yes she tried. and i always knew she loved me. but she made mistakes which i am now able to forgive.

so no matter what i do - it really depends on dd to decide if i have been a good mother or not.

so what i focus on is what i feel in my heart. i try to do the best i can with love in my heart.

however dd is only 9. i feel like parenting has been just a cakewalk. and the real stuff doesnt start till 13.


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *meemee*
> i feel like parenting has been just a cakewalk. and the real stuff doesnt start till 13.


I disagree (and my kids are 13 and 15). One of my DDs was most difficult as a toddler, the other at age 12. I think it really depends on the child. The teen years do have their own set of challenges, but in so many ways I found them easier than what came before. BUT I think the effort of AP, GD, and all the rest is really paying off. I think that the teen years with a child who has been raised in the mothering.com way are a very different deal for both parent and offspring than a they are for a child who was raised in a mainstream way.


----------



## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

I just looked at your other threads, and at your sig.

You have two little children and one of them has special needs. You post questions about how to deal with these needs, which is how I know that. You are advocating for him all over the place. Your most recent thread about your other kid is about how she's wetting the bed, an age-appropriate behavior that you really need like a hole in the head right now.

You are not a bad mom. You might be a burnt-out, tired, discouraged mom, the kind of mom I would want to pat on the back, a mom who needs a break sometimes.


----------



## Qestia (Sep 26, 2005)

Thanks, I really really wasn't looking for a pat on the back but I am feeling better about how I don't think I've ever made my kids hide in their rooms from me. Little victories, you know. I do think I have a "touch" of depression--seasonal... which will hopefully lift soon. If it doesn't by the end of March I'm going to go see if I can get some help for that.

I'm curious about the people who said they knew moms (sometimes their own) who thought they were good moms, but weren't--can you elaborate?

It's funny how much of parenting is just a response to how you were raised. I just realized this weekend, for example, that DH probably plays video games with DS because he wishes his dad had done that with him (while I wish they would go outside together---that's probably not registering as a "need" as much because it's something DH got a lot of growing up).


----------



## earthgirl (Feb 6, 2006)

I feel this way so much, but I know that I am not a bad mom. I have days where I feel like I do it really well, and days where I'm a colossal mess. Probably 90% of the time I'm a mediocre mother, and that is actually hard to maintain. But it's good enough. At the end of the day my child has been fed, clothed, sheltered, and loved and that really is enough.


----------



## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Qestia*
> 
> I'm curious about the people who said they knew moms (sometimes their own) who thought they were good moms, but weren't--can you elaborate?


In one case (she gave up control of the kids to her parents, so it's all good) Her kids are 3 and 5.

Mom loves her kids more than life it'self.. but, she's always in such a dark place... it's all she can do to go to work. She lets them fend for themselves, and never cooks meals for them, or gets them dressed in the morning. She screams at them all the time, and has to force herself to say something nice to them. When she does, it's with an insult. "that's great that you got your own shoes on... I wish you'd do that every day instead of crying for me to do it". When they get home, she goes to bed, and doesn't see them again until the next day.

But, on the great side, she KNOWS what she's doing is wrong. She's tried every treatment available, and nothing worked, so she moved back in with her parents so they could basically raise the kids and she can try to find out what is wrong with her. So, she's not a bad mom... but, she can't really be a good mom right now without help.

My own mom was a TERRIBLE mom, yet, she was a great mom at the same time. She let us run wild. I often ask her if she had more than just two kids, but misplaced the others. We make jokes about how dumb she was. (things like leaving the carseat WITH the baby on it on top of the car and driving away) She did things that today would get us taken away forever.....but, we had the BEST childhood ever. We had freedom, and adventures, and so much fun... it just wasn't with my mom because she was heaven knows where....but, I wouldn't trade my childhood for an overprotected childhood.


----------



## Wolfcat (Jan 10, 2006)

It's all about definition: I've been told I was a bad, even abusive, mom because I wouldn't bite my toddler hours after she bit another kid at daycare.

Here's what I think makes me a good mom:


I keep learning about parenting. I read magazines, e-articles, discussion forums like Mothering.com, etc.
I have made a decision about what kind of parent I want to be. 90% of the time, I actively strive towards that. 10% of the time, I let DH take over.
I have made decisions about specific parenting actions I want to take. I follow them pretty well. I adjust them when I see new information that calls for adjustment.
I want my kids to not just SURVIVE; I want them to THRIVE. While most of the time, I spend my parenting hours treading water (so it feels like), I also make an effort to go that extra mile when the opportunity presents.
I give myself permission to take mini-breaks.
I remind myself (and DH) that parents don't get to clock out for the day. We are always "ON" and that means we need to pace ourselves. We don't get to check out of our kids' lives for more than a few minutes at a time (bathrooms with locks, anyone? grown-up times?), and even then we can't completely ignore them. We have to keep an eye/ear out for signs of disaster.
When it's time to pay attention to the kids (we do this at supper every night), we actively pay attention. They get their time, even if it is more brief then they would like.

It's not the BEST, but I have limited personal and financial resources, and I do what I do. I have to be happy with that and continue to strive towards an abstract "better".


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Qestia*
> 
> I'm curious about the people who said they knew moms (sometimes their own) who thought they were good moms, but weren't--can you elaborate?


My mother saw to it that I had a picture perfect middle class upbringing -- with piano and tennis lessons, church, private school etc.

She also knew that my father was sexually abusing me for years and did nothing about it.

She truly thought that how our family *looked* from the outside was more important than the experience of what it was like to *be* in our family. She also once said that "status is a basic human need."

In all fairness, she did the best she could and I have forgiven her for her role my having grown up in a nightmare.


----------



## Qestia (Sep 26, 2005)

Wow, really really sorry for what you went through.


----------



## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Beyond not abusing or neglecting my kid, I had a single litmus test for how I was doing. I say "had" because now I'm not sure it's the right test!

I never felt confident that my mom loved me, and I want my son to feel confident that I love him. Whenever he seeks me out for comfort when things go wrong, I feel like I must be doing it right.

I do worry sometimes that I am screwing him up anyway. I'm not a perfect person. Maybe under all the closeness is a different kind of unhealthy relationship than the unhealthy relationship I had with my mom at this age. At least I'm making my own mistakes.

Like Meemee, I feel like the first nine years have been relatively easy. I would like to delude myself that's because of what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure it's the kid.


----------



## Jen Muise (Mar 6, 2012)

I think that if you are looking for better ways to do things, acting out of love, getting help when you need it and doing better when you know better, there's not much more that anyone can ask of you. no one always does things 'the best'. Fortunately, kids are resilient, and I think that if they know they are loved and they know you are trying your best to do right by them, a lot of stuff can be forgiven.


----------



## sparklefairy (May 21, 2005)

Your kids will tell you. When they get bigger.









Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Qestia*
> 
> I mean, there ARE bad moms out there. And not just ones who neglect or beat their kids--there are other ways to be a bad parent. How would I know if I was one? Because sometimes frankly I think I'm pretty close... when do I cross the line from having multiple bad days or moments to actually just being overall bad?


----------



## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

I thought my mom was a great mom, but some of my siblings disagree, charging her with not setting enough limits, and letting another sibling get away with things, etc etc. I have been speaking to my mother frankly about these things lately since she is living with me at the moment helping me with a new baby. My 3 yo has demonstrated some horrible behavior.

She expressed regrets about not setting enough limits, but i told her i had a happy childhood, and had no regrets, and always thought she was a great mom. I told her i liked setting my own limits.

So, different children can experience the same mothering in a different way. There were five of us.


----------



## tangledblue (Apr 5, 2008)

I also think...none of us are perfect and probably none of us have perfect parents. But if you can say that your parents loved you and tried their best...I really think issues we have as adults belong to us and not to our upbringing, if that makes sense. Some people choose to forgive their parents their foibles; others don't.


----------



## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

Bad mom here. So don't worry. I work outside the home and have been told that I'm a bad mom. I didn't cloth diaper so I'm pretty much a failure. I sleep with my kid so, GD, I must be lazy or a bad mom, or both. I practice gentle discipline and my child is destined to be a seriel killer. There are things I didn't do and do and by most standards, good lord, I'm a bad mom. I get frustrated with my kid and my DH and my life. Straight to hell in a hand basket.

I'm a human being. Guess that makes me inherently bad. Original sin and all the shite. (I'm not even christian but the guilt permeates all strata).


----------



## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

I agree with all said and I am pretty sure you're a good mom.

OTH, I joke about since being a parent the things I have been judged on IRL and on mdc....I didnt go back to work after dd1 was born. The moms I knew with new babies who did, gave me glaring looks.
I was a sahmom for 10 years. I used sposies so that is bad. I used cloth so then I was weird. I coslept and that raised eyebrows. I stopped when dd didnt want it anymore and that was detaching. I nursed dd1 until she was 2 1/2. That was weird. Then dd2 weaned at age 12 mos and that was detaching. People found it strange dd1 never received an ounce of formula. DD2 needed supplementing and it was taboo on mdc. Also the emergency c secttion I had to have to save her life. So now entering my 11th parenting year, I found it amusing last week when a funny blog was floating around on fb...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/josette-crosby-plank/french-parents-better_b_1281984.html

For what its worth, I LMAO reading it.


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Qestia*
> 
> ...when do I cross the line from having multiple bad days or moments to actually just being overall bad?


I think it all about what you do when you realize you are having bad days. Do you take some time for yourself to re-group? Get the kids out of the house to do something different and try to break the rut? Sit around and beat yourself up? Do nothing but stay stuck?

Every parent has bad days, looses their patience, realizes they aren't really connecting with their kids but just going through the motions, etc. The question is what we do when we become aware of it. Beating ourselves up for it is NOT helpful, but different things are going to help different moms pivot.

I think that for a lot of moms who are trying to practice GD, APing, etc,. sometimes what we need is to take care of ourselves. We can end up giving and giving and giving until we are burned out and exhausted. I suspect that for most moms who frequent these boards, our bad parenting days are more likely to stem from a need to nurture ourselves.(So in my book, bubble baths and yoga classes and coffee with a friend help me be a better mother!)

Peace


----------



## Jen Muise (Mar 6, 2012)

I would say you are a bad mom if:

- you act with the intention of hurting your child

- you sexually or physically abuse your child, or knowingly allow abuse to happen

- you don't consider your child's needs at all or only as an after thought

- you intentionally put your child in danger or don't act to remove your child from clear danger

- you don't provide for a child's basic needs (including love and affection), or don't attempt to provide for their basic needs

- you consider your wants to be more important than your child's needs

- you don't try to evaluate yourself and your relationship with your child, and strive make them better

- you intentionally shame, humiliate, or cause anxiety in your child

- you regularly emotionally abuse your child, allow emotional abuse, or do not act to manage the occasional emotional abuse that is inherent in just about all relationships

I'm sure a mom who is hell bent on defining herself as bad can find a moment when she saw her kid jumping on the couch and failed to act before the kid fell off and broke their arm or something and decide that she's a bad mom because she didn't remove her child from danger. Of course that's not what I'm talking about, but moms have a way of getting loopy about this bad mom stuff. I remember once with my first child, I had convinced myself that the baby wasn't crying enough because she felt so neglected that crying was pointless (i guess watching the documentary on romanian orphanages was ill advised). I hate to think what I'd have imagined if she had colic. As others have pointed out, not being a great mom doesn't mean you're a bad mom. All of us have our bad mom moments - but if we try and change, get help when we need it, act in our child's best interest, and act out of love then we are on the right path.


----------



## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

I hereby officially declare my love for you because of this:

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Jen Muise*
> I remember once with my first child, I had convinced myself that the baby wasn't crying enough because she felt so neglected that crying was pointless (i guess watching the documentary on romanian orphanages was ill advised). I hate to think what I'd have imagined if she had colic.


(The new like button is really not enough.)


----------



## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

I once asked a mom who successfully raised 10 daughters (who all sing her praises) how do you tell if you are a bad mom she asked "are you children coming to you when they have a problem? Are they asking for hugs and kisses? Do they come to you when they are hurt?" She said if you answered yes to these questions than you are doing your best and your children know it.. I always feel like Im being a "bad mom" because I don't feel I do enough with my children.. If you asked them they would tell you they have the best mom in the world. You really are your own worst critic.


----------



## Cyllya (Jun 10, 2009)

I remember I once saw an article that pointed out that companies are always asking their customers for feedback ("How can we serve you better?") but parents just about never ask their kids for feedback ("How can I be a better parent to you?"). Well, I know a lot of people on this site frequently ask their kids' input in search of solutions to specific problems, but has anyone tried making that into a regular practice? I'm curious to know how it works.


----------



## Jen Muise (Mar 6, 2012)

idk, when I've asked my kids what I could do to be a better parent the give me stuff like 'Let us eat more chocolate chip cookies" and "let us watch allllllll the tv we want". I try and use more specific questions (like, remember this afternoon, when I yelled at you? what do you think happened there?) and observation to evaluate my mad parenting skillz.


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Jen Muise*
> 
> idk, when I've asked my kids what I could do to be a better parent the give me stuff like 'Let us eat more chocolate chip cookies" and "let us watch allllllll the tv we want". I try and use more specific questions (like, remember this afternoon, when I yelled at you? what do you think happened there?) and observation to evaluate my mad parenting skillz.


yes, I also think it is just a bad question. When my children were smaller, they seemed happier when I appeared to know what I was doing. I think it gave them a sense of confidence. I think that asking this question is poor parenting.


----------



## anjsmama (Apr 6, 2011)

I also agree. Looking back, I know my mother did the best she could with what she had; she was raised in an alcoholic, physically and sexually abusive home, and she raised 4 kids without us ever seeing her drunk or being spanked or really allowing anything bad to happen to us, ever. Although I was often let down by her quick temper, insane perfectionism, and overall disconnection from us that ultimately led to a very close relationship with my Dad, and almost none with her, she did her best. Now that I am an adult, and a parent, I really love and like her, and appreciate what she was able to do raising us. Looking back to my childhood, I feel that my Mom always appeared desperate to us. She'd freak out (FREAK OUT SCREAMING!) about a messy room, then calm down, come up with a plan to organize it, we'd work all day til it was completely perfect, and then later that night she'd want us to 'snuggle her on the couch'. And we'd just stare... like, really? And sensing our reluctance, she'd then break down crying and ask what could she do better as a Mom? And what did we really need her for anyway? I can tell you, as a 6-11 y/o with a sister 4 years younger standing next to me... it was like







. How should we know! You're our MOM, you're supposed to know these things?

Okay, a bit of a ramble. But all in all, my point is that I will not ask my children how to be a better parent. They can't know that, they're children. Instead, I'll ask MY parents, and DH's parents, and our grandparents, and the MDC community, and books, and research, and my intuition when I'm in a calm, good place.

FWIW, every few months, I have a week or two that leaves me wondering, "Am I a bad Mom?" When my 3 y/o goes on an insane potty regression/strike that I can't explain while simultaneously my 1 y/o goes from mostly STTN to waking 10 times a night, and my 3 y/o starts wandering around saying "You know what's bad?"......... I find myself pulling out hair and asking where I went wrong. And once I finally come down and calm down, I realize that it's not me, it's just child development. And the word on the street is that the early years (and the teen ones) are the hardest. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> yes, I also think it is just a bad question. When my children were smaller, they seemed happier when I appeared to know what I was doing. I think it gave them a sense of confidence. I think that asking this question is poor parenting.


----------



## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

I think there has to be a balance between confidence and emotional honesty. You can't be an approachable mom, or a reliable mom, if you are obviously worried that you aren't approachable or reliable, yes. You have to be confident that your child knows you love him or her and that you know what's important.

At the same time, it's not bad to say out loud, "I really wish I hadn't said that to you in the way I did--it didn't convey the message I wanted to convey. I would like to take it back and say it again, better this time." It's good to model being able to handle mistakes, because then your child learns to handle them. I don't think it's possible to be in a close relationship with someone without sometimes losing your cool, and you have to have a way to deal with that. I also think it's OK to expose the intentions behind your parenting choices.

This could, however, be a belief I've developed from having a very thoughtful kid, who responds well to this sort of thing.


----------



## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *captain optimism*
> 
> I think there has to be a balance between confidence and emotional honesty. You can't be an approachable mom, or a reliable mom, if you are obviously worried that you aren't approachable or reliable, yes. *You have to be confident that your child knows you love him or her and that you know what's important. *


I agree with this. I think I tell my 3yo ds I love him about 10x/day. It might be overkill, but I attack him with kisses and hugs and cuddles and tell him I love him every chance I get. He knows, he tells me how much he loves me, and that really helps when I have a bad day and we just aren't connecting like we do normally. He's an only, so of course this would be harder with more than one kid - but making sure that you actually say it out loud every single day is important I think.


----------



## sunniview (Jun 14, 2012)

wow! so glad I found this site this morning. I was feeling like the crappiest Mom in the world, I have been so sad about it, I just didnt know what to do. I still know I wont be getting any Mother of the Year awards. I came from an abusive, alcoholism, home with two very emotionally disturbed parents,my mother was institutionalized when I was a child. She has never told me she loves me and my stepdad wanted to love me too much. When they weren't flying off the handle in unexpected physical and verbal rages- they were often emotionally and physically absent. I left home at fifteen, with no self -esteem, thinking that I was totally unlovable and without value.

I love my children more than anything they are the joy of my life, but I do not think that I should have had them when I did. I was not emotionally healthy enough to have children. After having my first child out of wedlock, 2 marriages, and one stalker who beat me bad enough to go to prison, and 3 children 6,2 and 8 months at the age of 26. I realized that something was wrong with me and I wanted to fix it for my children so I began my long journey of therapy.

I never became an alcoholic, although i did drink and go out w/ friends sometimes for periods once a week sometimes and I feel horrible about that. I went years and did not go anywhere. I never did drugs. I never beat or abused my kids, left them alone with no one there or in dangerous situations, I never let them be sexually abused, in fact my second husband would wrestle with my oldest and ugh get excited...I promptly kicked him out the day I found out and divorced him.

i never received child support and did not pursue it because having been idiot enough to choose my mates so poorly and now having had enough counseling to realize it-( but still not enough to make better relationship choices), I felt that forcing the exes to pay child support would only further subject my children to more exposure to a Father who were not good for them. I had an open door policy for visitation and neither man ever bothered.

I worked a million hours in sales but also supplemented nights as a bartender and once even as a dancer for short periods before my oldest turned 11. No i did not tel them. I even went to work dressed in office clothes so no one would know. However one of the Mothers of my eldest daughters friends was kind enough to tell my child after our friendship had a falling out.

We moved alot in the beginning but always stayed in the same neighborhood -so the kids didnt have to change friends or schools. I had very little money or credit- so I bought my first small home on a lease option, it needed ALOT of repair- i did the work myself sold it and made a profit which I would put aside-I kept doing this until I was able to purchase the 2 story brick in a very good neighborhood that we live in today. I was never on assistance of any kind not even food stamps or medicaid, but that also meant we couldnt run to the DR. or Dentist unless it was very serious or chronic. I believed that if I always maintained at least a lower middle class standard of living for my kids they would never accept less for themselves when they grew up.

I was often over tired and stressed all though every in else thought I was bubbly and outgoing, this made me a fun Mom, who played on the play equipment with my kids, had food fights, water wars, stood on the kitch counter singing old Motown into spoons with the kids. But there were also times, espescially mostly when my oldest started her adolescence- where I just didnt know how to cope and would blow up and yell after sometimes up to 2 hours of debating with her or what Ifelt to be utter disrespect.

I was not always consistent with my discipline. I did tell them daily I loved them and was proud a million times a day. After I would lose patience or blow up and yell- i would go in and apologize for yelling and ask them if they understood why i had gotten so angry.

I dont know- my biggest thing that makes me a crap Mom - was my inability to make good choices in all of my relationships, including friendships, What good is 7 straight years of therapy with 2 diff. therapist, lifelong monthly therapy, christian counseling, parenting, books tapes etc. If i never got it right until too late and i damaged my children?

After being single about 6 yrs- I started dating again which embarassed my oldest child- as she was a teen at the time and none of her other friends had single Moms. I did meet a wonderful man, who loved and treasured me and my children. We married in the backyard of my home- he bought a ring for each of my kids, we finally had a beautifu 'norma"l life. My children adored him. We dated 1 1/2 years before my kids even knew about him, lived together a year got married. I became pregnant much to my surprise as i had endometriosis and our daughter was born 15 months after we were married. He died unexpectedly 10 months later in a freak accident. It has been 5 years and my oldest children understandably often worry about me and their little sister and they are scared that I will "make the same mistakes with her that I made with them" This is mainly my eldest but sometimes I hear her sister who is 4 years younger repeating this. My son who is 2 years younger then her is 18 and still lives at home- he does not think this way- but does internalize everything and have difficulties expressing himself- which i'm sure is a direct result of the way he grew up.

All of my children are good kids, no police, drugs etc. All are in college plus working full time as I cannot afford to pay the full boat- I have bought them all cars pay their insurance, medical and help w/ books or emergencies when i can but know it is not enough my girls work so hard and they tell me that they are the only kids they know who have to work like that and go to school. I dont blame them for resenting this, as they feel it is because of bad choices i made. And i would have been farhter along had i not made those choices so they are correct.

Because of my mistakes they all have some anxiety issues, are in long term relationships but say they are afraid of commitment,struggle with some insecurity and although they come to me when they are hurting or scared- I can see and have been told by my oldest that they do not feel they can trust or look to me for advice. When i was younger and realized i needed therapy- i questioned whether it was in their best interest for me to give them up- but there was no one to give them to- i have a small family and what there is are less fit than me to be a parent. Having been in a few foster homes when i was little- i know that some can be very bad.

I have prayed and prayed for the Lord to fix whatever is broken with me so that my kids do not have to suffer for my short comings. i am crying as i sit here, not for me but for their hurt and how deeply i failed them. I am bewildered to realize what a crappy Mom i was. There are choices i made that I now look at and wonder what the hell i could have been thinking. The only thing that has ever mattered to me in my life was my children. I was determined to be a good Mom. I feel that I have tried very hard. So how is it that i did not realize how badly i was failing at ir? When my children tell me how they perceived some of these things it breaks my heart and i am horrified as to how i could not have realized how it would seem from a childs perspective. I t is too late to fix it, I dont know how. I have apologized. My older daughter- she has a lot of resentment and questions- answering or explaining only seems to

validate how selfish I was to have children when i was such a mess myself.

I am very depressed about this today and sorry this is so long, but i dont want my six year old to pick up on my sadness depression and somewhat panic at my realization that i was not a good Mom- I'm so ashamed- so I am letting it all hang out so to speak to you guys. So that i can smile and laugh and act normal for her the rest of the day.

I'm sure I will get alot of negative comments and judging- dont waste your time. I deserve it all and then some for letting the most precious gift the Lord can give you my little angels down so disastrously.

Knowing there are other mothers struggling with feelings of failure( although you all seem to be good Moms to me) has helped me to think i can live with it somehow .

Thanks for sharing your space and letting me ramble. I have no one to talk to( other than my counselor)

God Bless All of you and your children


----------



## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sunniview*
> 
> All of my children are good kids, no police, drugs etc. All are in college plus working full time as I cannot afford to pay the full boat- I have bought them all cars pay their insurance, medical and help w/ books or emergencies when i can but know it is not enough my girls work so hard and they tell me that they are the only kids they know who have to work like that and go to school. I dont blame them for resenting this, as they feel it is because of bad choices i made. And i would have been farhter along had i not made those choices so they are correct.
> 
> Because of my mistakes they all have some anxiety issues, are in long term relationships but say they are afraid of commitment,struggle with some insecurity and although they come to me when they are hurting or scared- I can see and have been told by my oldest that they do not feel they can trust or look to me for advice. When i was younger and realized i needed therapy- i questioned whether it was in their best interest for me to give them up- but there was no one to give them to- i have a small family and what there is are less fit than me to be a parent. Having been in a few foster homes when i was little- i know that some can be very bad.


Wow, it doesn't sound like you failed at all. It sounds like you succeeded against incredible odds. They come to you when they have trouble, they're in college, and they have long term relationships. That's pretty amazing, considering the rest of your story.

No one can do it all right, but you actually succeeded in all these major ways and hurtled a lot of obstacles.

The next step is for you to tell them that you are very proud of them. That's when everyone realizes that this is a success story.


----------



## Aegrantham (Aug 7, 2013)

you have no idea how close I was to posting almost the same style questions on here! Mommy guilt has been setting in like crazy for me lately. For instance, in the middle of the day, when my little one is at daycare, and I'm done with my errands etc. just being lazy around the house - should I go pick her up? Isn't daycare just for when I'm at work? Is this a form of neglect?

Part of my problem is that I'm a teen mother & I'm already paranoid of what others think about me. Which has always caused me to be on my tip toes about my parenting skills. Lately it's been worse though, especially at night when all I can think about is "should I have done this?" "I probably should have made this for her to eat instead of that" or my favorite, "I should probably put some of those hundreds of Pinterest boards to good use & make some extra crafts & healthy food".

Maybe theres no cure for "mommy guilt" maybe we just need to go with it...learn to live through it...and do the best we can with what we know.


----------



## Ireadtomuch (Jul 12, 2013)

My mother dealt with three children in three years in a household where they had trouble getting us coats every year, but they raised three daughter that could run their own laundry by seven cook w/ supervision by ten run a budget by 12 and I asked recently if she thought she was a good mother... She said she tried they avoided the mistakes her parents made*discipline that crossed the line to abuse* and the ones my fathers parents made * blatant favoritism * she raised three daughters that she was terrified she was screwing up through depression on both their parts and on a budget w/o give for years she said she made us grow up too soon that she did her best for us... Do your best and ask yourself that question in 20 years your children can't ask for more


----------



## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Continuum Concept talks about this. She says that when babies and little children are the centre of attention it makes them anxious. Because children watch us to learn how they should behave in society. So if we are always watching them they think "why are they watching me? Don't they know what to do? I don't know what to do?" Not, that a baby's thought process is that sophisticated but you know what she means. That's why she says children should be at the centre of activity but not the centre of attention; so they can observe and learn.


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sunniview*
> 
> Because of my mistakes they all have some anxiety issues, are in long term relationships but say they are afraid of commitment,struggle with some insecurity and although they come to me when they are hurting or scared- I can see and have been told by my oldest that they do not feel they can trust or look to me for advice. When i was younger and realized i needed therapy- i questioned whether it was in their best interest for me to give them up- but there was no one to give them to- i have a small family and what there is are less fit than me to be a parent. Having been in a few foster homes when i was little- i know that some can be very bad.
> 
> I have prayed and prayed for the Lord to fix whatever is broken with me so that my kids do not have to suffer for my short comings.


I think it sounds like you did very well -- especially considering what your own upbringing was like, the lack of a partner to help raise them, and the lack of solid support in the form of sane extended family. I really don't think that we were meant to raise children completely alone. I have tremendous respect for moms who do it -- who just kept showing up and being present with their kids.

I believe that how a person turns out is a combination of genetics, upbringing, and choices they make. It is quite common for adults, especially young adults, to blame everything they don't like about themselves on what their parents did/didn't do, but truth to told, there is just a lot more to it than that. Part of how we are is just a crap shoot that was already determined before we were born, and part we decide every single day of our lives by the what we do and how we think about things.

We all make mistakes as parents. By the time our kids are teens, we all have things we can look back on and wish we had known/done differently/been less tired for/been more perfect. All we can really do with that is to love ourselves anyway and let it go.


----------



## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

Whoa, Sunniview! Try not to take your kids criticisms too much to heart! If I'm reading right the oldest is just out of adolecence and that is the height if the "Mom is ruining my liiiife" phase. I still want to cry thinking of the cruel stuff I said to my Mom during that time of life. Stuff that wasn't even in the same neighborhood as reality like telling her she failed by not giving me any younger siblings. Yeah. She was widowed and not dating. How my hormone addled brain thought that would happen is beyond me! I wasn't a bad kid or atypical, either, I remember friends acting the same shameful way.

You sound like a great Mom to me. Yes, maybe you had some bad relationships but, damn, you got out of them fast when they became a danger to your kids! My MIL made the opposite choice and her five kids were all horribly abused by at least seven different men. Instead of looking the other way you protected them.


----------

