# Coming to terms with Stillbirth



## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Hi all,

this is such a sad place to be; yet it is comforting to know that you are not alone and that others care and hold you in your grief.

I lost my son Ferdinand at full term back at the end of July. We still do not know why it happened. This is my third pregnancy, and the most glorious and was trouble-free. The doctor said on the ultrasound the placenta does not look right, it looked too vibrous, probably a viral infection. We went to Mexico for a beach vacation at the end of my second trimester. He thinks I probably had an infection there and though I fought it, it went to the placenta and Ferdinand could not fight it. (It made me feel horrible because I was the one insisting on a beach vacation and Mexico was the nearest to us and the cheapest. We also promised our dd1 we will go to a beach for her birthday and that was that. We ate mostly at good restaurants though.) There were no amniotic fluid around him at all at the time of ultrasound, but I never leaked any fluids. So, it could be that he had a problem with his kidneys. We do not have the exact reason. After I delivered the placenta, we saw that it looked calcified. To me, it looked ravaged and was a reminder to me that I had FAILED as a mother; my body had failed to bring an alive baby to this world! The doctor said such a placenta usually belongs to a mother who smoked or used drugs and I do neither. We sent a portion of the placenta for analysis but it did not really turn up answers. I am just devastated. And NO reason is good enough.

My girls miss him still, and I am wavering in my grieving process. Some days feels "normal"; some others just devastating.

I yearn for a baby yet I am scared to try again. I feel I have no control anymore, and I no longer feel safe. When I am out driving, every car around me seems like they are going to hit me and kill me and my daughters.


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## A Mothers Love (Nov 1, 2006)

I am so sorry for all you are going through.


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## happyhippiemama (Apr 1, 2004)

momma.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Once again, I'm so sorry.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamWeaver* 
And NO reason is good enough.

That sums it up for me. They never found any reason for my little girl's stillbirth either. It is hard not knowing why because then you don't know what to change to make it better.


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## jeffsdear (Aug 21, 2007)

Thanks so much for posting. I hope you can find some peace.


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

Ferdinand
















I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and healing mama.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

Mama I am so sorry

Please don't be too hard on yourself, you did nothing to cause this tragedy


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## zoie2013 (Mar 31, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss. We have no answers for the loss of our daughter either, just some "educated guesses" from the specialists who ordered a bunch of tests, which haven't given us much more. I have a lot of similar insecurities about the world now, too, like your driving fears. Some days are worse. Some days are better. But, I think they're part of this "normal" grieving process. Once you step through that doorway, you are changed forever and I'm not sure anyone who hasn't gone through this can really understand. They can empathize, but not fully understand. Just as walking through the doorway with a living child forever alters the worldview, this is how we are left to parent this little one we love. I wish the world could be back to the safer place it was before for you and for all of us here, though
















Ferdinand


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## p.s (May 27, 2005)

hugs


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

It's called the "what if" game. I played it myself many times. Here's a big hug. It's most likely nothing you did, just bad luck.

By the way, I had a loss similiar 15 years ago. I can't say that I ever "got over it" but I did learn to deal with life again, eventually.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Thank you for your hugs, and hugs back to you all, who have suffered losses as well!







:

I know this is a big learning process for me. I know we all have to suffer a loss (or more) in our lives, unless we never love anyone or anything. Love, and Hurt, two sides of the same coins. I know if I do not have this immense love in my heart, I would not have hurt so terribly much as well! So I thank Ferdinand for his love. He attracted a lot of love, beauty and grace to me when he was in me. I thank him. I just wish the world could know him and hear him cry, and laugh...


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

s mama







:


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Very, very sorry for your loss of Ferdinand.
My thoughts are with you and your family.


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## chopstickgirl (Oct 5, 2004)

beautifully said, zoie2013.

and mama, i am so sorry for the loss of your little boy. I am walking that road this year too, our daughter was stillborn at 41w (12lbs 8oz, 25in and i birthed her vaginally) and while we have some answers, I will tell you that IMO, having answers doesn't really make me feel that much better, other than to fight more guilt, and want to beat my doctors and such.

*sigh*

having a support system, esp other loss mamas, are what have pulled me along. I am always here if you need a mama who just gets it, or anything. don't hesitate.

*hugs*


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I hear you about the answers part. In the beginning, I desperately wanted a reason, because the whole thing just had NO sense at all. Now, I am not so sure an "answer" helps....

You are so brave and strong to have delivered your big, beautiful baby vaginally. I did too, and I was induced for two days. He was the smallest of my three though.


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