# How to explain masturbation?



## island mama (Jul 6, 2005)

Our lovely, spirited 2 1/2 yo daughter has just discovered the joys of masturbation and has thrown herself whole-heartedly into the activity. Not a problem, we say--a trifle rattled, of course--but unfortunately her preferred location is a particular chair in the living room, and now her sister (8 1/2) and brother (4 1/2) are beginning to wonder just what the heck their baby sister is up to all the time--and I mean, all the time. (For whatever reason, masturbation just hasn't been an issue in my older children's lives yet.) It would be great if I could just reason with Sophie about her choice of location, but, for a variety of reasons, that just isn't going to go very far. Has anyone else been in this position? I've read one or two posts about how to deal with masturbation as a single-child issue (just tell them it's a private activity for their rooms), but I get the impression these are only children, and privacy is easy to obtain. What about how to accommodate "private activities" if there ISN'T any privacy--i.e., big family, very small house, not to mention a very young, very social child who sees no reason to do anything in private?


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## sistermama (May 6, 2003)

Does she have her own litttle bed? Ds sleeps with us most of the time, but also has a crib mattress set up as a bed on the floor. If he is masturbating, I usually tell him something like, "I know it makes you feel good to touch your penis, but it is something to do in private. If you like you may go do it on your bed." Usually, he just stops cause he doesn't want to leave where I am, but at least I'm not making him feel icky for doing it, KWIM?


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## island mama (Jul 6, 2005)

No, unfortunately, she sleeps with us and doesn't have a bed of her own. (And doesn't ever want to leave--but that's a post for another day.) Also (apologies if I'm getting too graphic!), part of the problem is that she is particularly attached to the arm of this chair--in other words, its anatomy fits hers, in a way she finds, well, irresistible. I've considered moving the chair into our bedroom, but then we'd have to move the bed out--it's a VERY small house. I guess I'm being squeamish about explaining the inevitable to my other children (although we have discussed the birds and the bees)--just having visions of dealing with all three children experimenting at once.


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## bleurae (Feb 25, 2005)

At two and a half I wouldn't really classify it as masturbation as much as exploring her body. I have heard of many kids going through this phase when young then it stopping until much older and the re-discover it in an entirely different way. I think I would explain it more along those lines for now, but I have had the "talk" with my ex-partners 13 year old son before. I basically just told him it was natural and not something to be ashamed of and that he could feel comfortable to express his need for privacy, which he did, and I thought was terrific.


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

my son used to hump his cup. his father thought there was something wrong with this and it was bad. i disagreed.
as far as what i told him if he was in bed with me (he would do it when he woke up, etc.), i simply told him if he wanted to do that, he had to go to his own bed. like the earlier mama, my son usually chose to stay.
i too wouldn't classify this as masterbation as much as touching to feel good. i know the 2 probably look the same, but i dont think (although i admit im not positive) that she is accomplishing the ultimate goal of masterbation for adults.
exploring herself, in my opinion, is fine, but i dont see anything wrong with having her do it in a private place. if your bed is her bed, then perhaps you can allow her to go there. i would explain to her that there is nothing wrong with what she is doing, but when people want to touch themselves in "private places" they need to do it in private. you may want to explain some saftey reasons for that rule, but i don't know if that would confuse her right now or not.
she will probably reduce her touching simply because she will want to be around the rest of the family. if you guys are in bed, then maybe a crib mattress on the floor for her if she wants to do that.
on the other hand, i have a 14 year old that wont admit to it at all and i know he has wet dreams. i have spent my life trying to teach him that his body is OK and nothing to be ashamed of, etc. I have run around naked around him his whole life. Now he is going through this stage where i cant see him and he cant see me. Hes a total prude! this is what i was trying to avoid and i hope it gets better soon!
good luck with your little one,
Rach


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## sistermama (May 6, 2003)

just wanted to interrupt to say, masturbation as defined as "the excitation of one's own or another's genitals, usually to orgasm." I'd call that the same as, "touching to feel good."

Maybe you could ask her to move to your bed, might cut down on how often it happens.


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## mama_mojo (Jun 5, 2005)

not there yet, but maybe you could just tell the older ones she is experimenting or just that it must feel good to her. It seems like a good time to find the most matter of fact answer without actually explaining anything.


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## mamademateo (Feb 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *island mama*
. I've considered moving the chair into our bedroom, but then we'd have to move the bed out--it's a VERY small house. dealing .

my friend had the same problem with her dd and they also live in a very small house but they did end up moving the chair into the other room. this seemed to help.


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

Personally I think you need to enforce that its a private activity and not to be done in the living room.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I would move her to a private place. Is she doing it so much because she is bored? Maybe moving her off to your room in private will decrease it some. Sort of like busing her hands if she was a thumb sucker.


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## bleurae (Feb 25, 2005)

2,3,4,5 year olds do not orgasm, they are not developed enough, it is exploring, it may feel nice, but it is not the same as masturbating


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## sistermama (May 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bleurae*
2,3,4,5 year olds do not orgasm, they are not developed enough, it is exploring, it may feel nice, but it is not the same as masturbating

not that this has anything to do with the OP, but masturbation does not have to include orgasm, anymore than sex has to include orgasm.


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## LoveChild421 (Sep 10, 2004)

my parents still joke about how I was _always_ "diddling myself" as a toddler in the living room floor while the family watched TV . :LOL My mom said "I'd just throw a blanket over you and let you do your thing" :LOL although I don't think that would work if she's humping the chair...


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

When my girls were little, I told them "If you want to touch your privates, you have to do it in private."

No shame involved, just the concept that this wasn't something to do in public. We still had the occasional announcment at the dinner table "I'm going to the bathroom to tickly my tushie and privates" but at least we didn't have to view it all the time and it did eventually diminish in frequency.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bleurae*
2,3,4,5 year olds do not orgasm, they are not developed enough, it is exploring, it may feel nice, but it is not the same as masturbating

Um, I am proof that 3,4,5 yr old do and CAN orgasm.
I was one of those children.
I remember rubbing against things at a very early age and having orgasms when I was 3, 4 and 5. I remember the distinct build of excitement and then the release..it was definitely an orgasm...pretty much the same as the orgasms I have now.
My friend's little girl is 3 and rubbing on things too. She gets pretty frenetic and red in the face about it too...then the release and dreamy-eyed look and calm.
I don't know for sure but I think she's having orgasms just like I did.
My friend is honest but non-elaborate about an explanation to her 7 yr old brother..."That makes her happy..it makes her feel good."
My friend says that she'll direct the activity to another room if she tries to do it in front of company.


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## bec (Dec 13, 2002)

I think, regardless of the dictionary definition, that there is a world of difference from a 2 year old discovering their body, and that certain places feel good (even to the point of orgasm, not going to debate that right now) and a pre-teen, or teenager (or adult) masturbating.

There is a vast difference to the innocent exploration of physical sensation and the very loaded emotional, sexual feelings that an older person is going to experience. Humans are sexual beings from the very beginning. We are hard wired to like having our genitals stimulated.

To the OP, I would suggest telling your youngest daughter that if she wants to touch herself on her vulva (yoni, vagina, whatever word you are using), that she needs to do it in the bedroom. I would further tell your older kids (if they are noticing and asking about it), that she is just discovering her body, and she is just starting to learn about privacy.

Bec


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## sistermama (May 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bec*
I think, regardless of the dictionary definition, that there is a world of difference from a 2 year old discovering their body, and that certain places feel good (even to the point of orgasm, not going to debate that right now) and a pre-teen, or teenager (or adult) masturbating.

There is a vast difference to the innocent exploration of physical sensation and the very loaded emotional, sexual feelings that an older person is going to experience. Humans are sexual beings from the very beginning. We are hard wired to like having our genitals stimulated.

I'm still trying to figure out why this difference (which I say doesn't exist) matters as it relates to the OP?


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Firstly-- how come so many posters with so few posts and no intros ask these questions?

Secondly, why do MDCers answer them?


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## sistermama (May 6, 2003)

Are you implying that island mama is actually a pervert getting off on our responses?


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## island mama (Jul 6, 2005)

Gosh, thanks for all the responses, guys! I especially appreciate the advice about discussing it (with my older children) in a straightforward but not necessarily detailed way. I'm not sure we're going to reach any sort of compromise with my youngest about her choice of location for the time being, but it sounds like some of you have had the same experience (laughed at the anecdote about the announcement at dinner time!) and it will be something that lessens in time.... right???

As for the post by UU Mom, gosh... I don't know what to say. It's my first time on the discussion boards or on any discussion board... did I miss some protocol about who posts and about what? Is there some sort of vetting process for new members? Hhhmm.... I picked Mothering because I felt it was one of the few places where I could actually ask a question like this about an unusual situation--at least for our family-- and one that isn't covered in detail in parenting books--and get a thoughtful response from people willing to discuss things about family life that aren't quite your average cocktail conversation. I guess I'll go ahead on the assumption that most people reading this thread are actually interested in the answers--I know I definitely appreciate all the responses and the willingness to help a brand-new member--intro or no intro--with a particular problem.

Thanks, all. Island Mama


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## bleurae (Feb 25, 2005)

ewww, this is so sad UU it is really sad you live in that headspace. To me this is a lot of parents not wanting to give their children shame or attach some stigma to natural exploring. We have had difference of opinions which is WHY I come here, to learn, enlighten, and think how BEST to be a parent, NOT to think about some ugliness like that.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I think if people are asking 'sensitive' questions as their first posts, it's helpful to have done an intro. I always check the intros. And esp when the topic is sensitive. Not that an intro alwyas means we are who we say we are.

Recently, someone 'stole' pictures of MDC children and babes in diapers to put on their porn/fetish diaper site.

I am very sensitive to things like that. It's why i won't even post my children's names, never mind their names with their pictures on the internet. My 'head is in that ugly space' sometimes because the ugliness exists and i can't deal with the thought of people jerking off to innocent pictures of babies and children. I feel more comfortable reading an intro when people post about things like this.

I mean, who really knew that people got off on seeing *babies* in diapers. It's a crazy world out there. If someone gets hot looking at Kissaluvs on a newborn, then it's not much of a stretch to realize there must be people cruising sites like ours for parents discussing masturbation.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

If you are concerned, then you are free to not post personal info. The fact is that this is a message board and there is no way to stop anyone from copy and pasting anything said here.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Too true.

Still, how about an intro?


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## veganmamma (Sep 10, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bleurae*
2,3,4,5 year olds do not orgasm, they are not developed enough, it is exploring, it may feel nice, but it is not the same as masturbating

That's funny because I learned in human development that around age 3 is when most children are beginning masturbating to orgasm. Which fits right into my own experience of masturbating to orgasm before age 4. I know because I can remember doing it during naptime at preschool and there was no naptime for 4 year olds. Where did you get those arbitrary numbers anyway? Did you make them up?

And why is everyone so focused on getting her to do it less often? We have one of those $20 futon/couch things with media characters on them. We have a tiny place and don't really have a great place to put it, we've already decided it's fine for dd to explore when we're around- we live in a studio for petra's sake, but if she starts getting more serious about it, she can move her couch to a special place where we won't be interfering or interrupting her as we go about our daily lives.

I know it's hard for some, but this is an important part of children's development and we all ought to respect it.


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

being new here, i presume the posts are genuine questions. i have no idea how to distinquish between those and perverts. since the groups are moderated, i defer to the moderators to weed out the pervs. I am sure this is not an easy task and that pervs will sometimes get through, but this seemed genuine to me.
i am new and perhaps didn't understand some rules. not sure but hope that wasn't the case.
Rach


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## bec (Dec 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sistermama*
I'm still trying to figure out why this difference (which I say doesn't exist) matters as it relates to the OP?










It doesn't, exactly. I was expressing a thought in regards to a side discussion (not exactly OT, but not directly addressing the OP). I also addressed the OP's question in my post as well.

As far as saying there is no difference, I think the maturity of the child should absolutely make a difference into the complicated nature of sexual feelings, as they develop. A 2 year old touching him/herself is discovering a part of his/her body that feels good. It is not loaded with the complicated emotions that a pubescent child is going to feel when they touch themselves.

Bec


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## feebeeglee (Nov 30, 2002)

I'd also like to add that whether or not a particular poster is a "pervert" or not is often irrelevant to the question being asked. I post most frequently on intactivist and circumcision boards and I try to answer all reasonably phrased posts in the same manner whether I think they're for real or not.

Obviously this happens ALL the time with normal human children. This is a legitimate question whether or not the poster is legitimate, ykwim?

And, to the OP: I'd figure out some way to move the chair, somehow, so she's not on constant display, and tell the older kids "She sure likes to do that, huh?"


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I am way pro -masturbation without shame or guilt.







Just want an inkling as to whom I am discussing the subject.

So many of these senstive subjects are tossed out by newbies, who are never to be heard from again.

Good to see that the OP is still around.


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## island mama (Jul 6, 2005)

Gosh, I feel kind of wierd about starting all of this. First, I'm really not opposed to my daughter masturbating (okay, it is a little rattling, mostly in its frequency); it's mostly the fact that we live in such a tiny mouse space, and there isn't an easy way to accommodate her activity privately. Not to mention, the concept and value of "privacy" is something that entirely escapes her at the moment! But the suggestions about talking with my older kids about what she's up to have been very helpful--just common sense, I know, but sometimes one needs to hear it from other people in order for it to sink in. So, thank you, all!

UU Mom, you asked for an intro, but I have never posted on a website before, and I've honestly never considered what personal information others might expect. What is typical for a message board? I think I can assume you are not asking for my address and phone number or vital stats on my family, and you yourself point out that you don't publish the names or pictures of your children, but beyond that? I am by nature a fairly reticent person, not at all extroverted (although I do tap dance--okay, there's a detail







), and when it came to the part of the registration where you could enter biographical detail, I just thought it was a nice but inessential component to the actual use of the message boards. In other words, a rather shy and private person like me could skip all that and still be part of the community. Isn't the important part what we write? And aren't a large number of people writing, especially new members, because we don't have a community around us to which we could pose certain questions, most especially the sensitive kinds? At any rate, if you have questions you feel I should answer, I'll try to do so (provided they don't impinge on my privacy too much ). I'm truly not trying to be coy, just somewhat bemused by this experience and the strong reaction to it. I do have to say in my defense, though, that I am NOT a pervert but a real mother with real children! (Wow, that's the first time I've ever had reason to say that particular line!)

Island Mama


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Welcome. Just check out Pleased To Meet You on the main board. It's at the very top of the main board. The very first line, so easy to find & hard to miss.







There are lots of intros there you can read. It's simple, basic info. No need to leave names or anything.


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## sistermama (May 6, 2003)

Island mama - I never did an intro, and I know lots of people who haven't. So please don't feel like you breached something etiquette wise. And welcome to MDC!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *bec*
As far as saying there is no difference, I think the maturity of the child should absolutely make a difference into the complicated nature of sexual feelings, as they develop. A 2 year old touching him/herself is discovering a part of his/her body that feels good. It is not loaded with the complicated emotions that a pubescent child is going to feel when they touch themselves.

Bec

I grew up in a house where we were pretty free to explore ourselves and our sexuality. I never felt complicated emotions as a pubescent child about masturbating, so I think that is a very individual thing.


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## bec (Dec 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sistermama*
I grew up in a house where we were pretty free to explore ourselves and our sexuality. I never felt complicated emotions as a pubescent child about masturbating, so I think that is a very individual thing.


Sure, it's an individual thing. But I would be willing to bet that it was a bit more complicated than, "hey, that feels good," when you touched yourself. I know I imagined all sorts of things when I was a little older, that never occurred to me to think when I was younger.

Bec


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

I'd just move the chair to a corner of the house where it's less conspicuous and she can go about doing her own little thing.

To the mom of the 14yo young man: When he's at school, go into his room and put a box of tissues next to his bed, and don't say anything else. Peek in every few weeks or so to see if he needs more. Oh yeah, don't forget the waste basket with garbage bags. Sure beats the heck out of wondering why his socks feel funny come wash day.


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## veganmamma (Sep 10, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pandora114*
Sure beats the heck out of wondering why his socks feel funny come wash day.


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

Wha? you didn't know that socks are what most guys use when there are no tissues handy?

Oh dear.

umm Ok. Here's another one. If you choose to send your son to a normal public school, and you get a letter from teacher saying "Little johnny *or whatever your DS's name is* refused to get up in class today to do problems on the board" Let it sliiide. Boys, even elementary aged, get erections when sitting down for long periods of time. So, Teach calls on him, he's got an erection, he doesn't want to get embarrassed. That's all.


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## veganmamma (Sep 10, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pandora114*
Wha? you didn't know that socks are what most guys use when there are no tissues handy?

Oh dear.

umm Ok. Here's another one. If you choose to send your son to a normal public school, and you get a letter from teacher saying "Little johnny *or whatever your DS's name is* refused to get up in class today to do problems on the board" Let it sliiide. Boys, even elementary aged, get erections when sitting down for long periods of time. So, Teach calls on him, he's got an erection, he doesn't want to get embarrassed. That's all.

Heh, i knew both of those thigs, I just realized how mortified I would be having my "oh duh" moment at the washer. :LOL


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

:LOL Yeah it would be a bit mortifying, but meh. once you notice the cracking of the voice, that's when ya sneak the tissue in. Try to prevent sock abuse before it happens


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