# What do you do when you are being ganged up on???



## Icequeen_in_ak (Mar 6, 2004)

I don't know what to do at this point







My DH and I got into a pretty serious discussion last night about discipline.

Our dd is mobile and is getting into things (as babies do). She continually plays with the satelite receiver and a power cord for his stupid video game machine. (I can't move the receiver). this is our "problem" area. My response is to go over and take her away from it and give her something acceptable to play with. My DH and my Mothers way is to scream "Emma NO!!!" and if that doesn't work (and it doesn't... she has no idea what no means really.... I try not to use it very often) then they slap her hand!!! I've caught them both doing it, and I try to remain calm and instruct them to redirect her.

The conversation with my DH last night consisted of the old crap of "my mom beat my a$$ and I turned out okay" I try to tell him that hitting her only teaches her that hitting is okay, and that it breaks trust in her when the people she loves the most hit her to which he replies that it's a bunch of crap. Slapping her hand lets her know that there is an immediate reaction for every action she takes







: (Dr. Phil put that crap in his head).

How do I get them to quit hitting my child!!!! I'm in desperate need of a break (dd has been teething and been a bear for over 2 weeks) for just a couple of hours to regain my sanity, but I can't leave her alone with them... I feel like I have to protect her.

He is set that his way is right and he won't listen to me







How do I get him to see that what he's doing is wrong? And get my mother to BACK OFF! The only thing I can think of at this point is to run away with her.


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## canadiyank (Mar 16, 2002)

Check out www.nospank.net for a ton of articles on why not to spank. I don't know if any of it would convince your dh, but at least you'll be well-armed. You are in a very tough situation, and I know you are by far not the only person who is practicing gentle parenting with a punitive spouse. As far as your mom, you can and should put a boundary there - I know that is scary b/c I've had that conversation with my mom, too, about smacking hands.







But it *is* your child, and your job to protect her and you can tell her you know she may not agree, and you know your dh doesn't agree, but these are the things she can use instead. I think you have great ideas as far as redirection, etc...you are on the right path! Can you find someone you trust to watch her for a couple hours since you don't feel safe leaving her with your family? I am really sorry you are going through this!


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## Icequeen_in_ak (Mar 6, 2004)

I've sent him all the links. He thinks we are a bunch of "treehuggers"







and that our daughter will end up being one of those "sissies" that he deals with every night at work. He deals with a lot of juveniles calling 911 because they are mad at their parents. I told them... they probably have conflicted feelings with their parents because they were probably spanked!!!

I do have one mama that I trust 100%, she's a fellow MDC mama, but she has soooooo much on her plate right now, I wouldn't dare even ask. In the grand scheme of things, she is probably 10 times more deserving of a break than I am.

It's just so very hard to have such conflicted views when it comes to our dd. I wish I could make him see the light...


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Icequeen_in_ak*
Slapping her hand lets her know that there is an immediate reaction for every action she takes







: (Dr. Phil put that crap in his head).

How do I get them to quit hitting my child!!!!

If he slaps her hand again, punch him in the nose. He has to know there is an immediate reaction for every action he takes.









Of course she is going to play with power cords and other interesting stuff at this age-it's a developmental stage--she is exploring, learning and having fun. WTF is slapping going to accomplish? Is he going to hit her every time she does something that inconveniences him? I say this after an irritating evening of pulling my daughter back from our A/V set up which drew her like a moth to a flame in spite of the oodles of toys in the room.

Sorry I don't have any good advice. If I can think of something, I'll be back.


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## Icequeen_in_ak (Mar 6, 2004)

Amywillo - thank you soooo much for putting a smile on my face before bed







I actually LOL when I read that one!


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Glad to be of service.

But I was thinking about it, and maybe there is a little kernel of truth in my words. It sounds like you've discussed spanking vs. no spanking and are at an impasse. If he is going to go ahead and proceed with spanking regardless of your thoughts on the matter, this is going to create problems and it isn't going to achieve what he is hoping it will.

I will admit that today I was yelling "NO, NO, NO!" tonight as I ran to grab my portable off the couch (she was reaching for it) and when she put her hand in my cup of tea. Normally I'm better about keeping stuff I don't want her to have out of her reach, but I've been in a funk for two days and I wasn't caring, and then there I was yelling. I don't think it does any good. Heck, for her I think it means go faster. For all she knows, No! is the sound that precedes a big person taking something fun away, so for her it means do it more quickly.


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## canadiyank (Mar 16, 2002)

I can understand your dh's concern that his daughter end up in juvie (sp?, lol), but there's a big difference between permissiveness and GD. I think a LOT of people don't think there's real discipline (i.e., teaching) going on unless the kid gets hit or is somehoe made to feel bad.







Tough situation - hopefully you can be an example.

Amywillo, lol! - dh and I were just talking about that, the classic argument that if dh hit me to teach me a lesson b/c I yanked on his playstation cord that he'd get hauled off for domestic abuse, or if the dog was chewing on it and he kicked the dog the SPCA would be in his face. But hit a kid? That's ok!


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Wow how awful for you and your wee one! So sorry that you are doing the head beat against a wall thing with your dh. She is just a baby and so curious, she has no idea what she is even getting slapped for. I agree... Id just start giving him an immediate reaction to his actions, and then Id tell him "Sorry you need to have an immediate reaction or you won't learn". Maybe that is bitchy... I dunno. I couldnt live with someone who would hit my child. Hoping you can make some progress with them, and in the meantime keep the baby close.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Icequeen_in_ak*
Slapping her hand lets her know that there is an immediate reaction for every action she takes







: (Dr. Phil put that crap in his head).

If he's such a Phil fan, you might let him know that Dr. Phil is 100% AGAINST physical punishment. His idea of "immediate reaction" would be to get up and take the cords from her/remove her from the cords, i.e. REDIRECT her. He also seems to be a big advocate of picking your battles and not setting kids/people up to fail...so I would imagine his suggested solution would be to keep things she can't have out of her way, or to supervise her and make sure she can't grab those things and get hurt. Since he's such a Dr. Phil fan and all, I thought he'd like to know. Hey, I have to watch something on the treadmill


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Icequeen, my stomach lurched when I read your post. I'd be inclined to take the baby and run away with her too.







What a jack ass (sorry.) But my gosh, protecting his stupid video game thingy is a higher priority to him than protecting his own daughter's dignity???? JERK. You need to forget about staying calm. Its not helping. Show what you feel. Seriously. Forget about being rational - if somebody smacks your kid, you are entitled to go balistic. If they can't be reasoned with, maybe they just need to see how strongly you feel.

You know what? I'd give him one warning and then he'd find the whole freaking game set-up in the garbage can.

The most successful argument against spanking that I've seen used with fathers of little girls is, How would he feel if some other man hit her? What if she grows up expecting this? How will he feel if she accepts being battered as a grown woman because of the pattern that he sets? He is responsible to teach her what it means to be treated right by a man. Thats his job. And right now he is failing her.

For a more immediate practical solution, is there really no way at all to secure the game system? Can you buy a special cabinet with closing doors? Or put it up high? Or keep it in a bedroom? Or something??? We've gotten really creative with things like computers and vcr's -- to the point of putting all our computers facing the wall so the buttons can't be easily reached. There has got to be some creative way to babyproof the game system.

Honestly though, I'd throw the thing out.


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## annethcz (Apr 1, 2004)

Oh my- I've been in that EXACT situation before. My DH is also a video nut.

I'm not proud of this, but on a few occasions, I told my DH that if he treated me the same way that he treats our children, I would've been gone a looonnnggg time ago. I also told him how disappointed I was to feel that I had to protect my children from their father. After hearing this a few times, he's made some behavior changes.

Don't get me wrong, he's a great dad most of the time. But we don't see eye to eye on physical punishment (although he's slowly coming around). Or punishment period. But I digress...


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## sohj (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Icequeen_in_ak*
... and that our daughter will end up being one of those "sissies" that he deals with every night at work. He deals with a lot of juveniles calling 911 because they are mad at their parents. ...

OK, this brings up lots of personal issues for me about power and control -- on the child and parent and government sides -- but I'll try and not let that interfere with my post.









I know someone on-line on a totally different board. It is a technical site about the kind of car I've got. It is mostly populated by men and one of the guys there had a really unpleasant development in his family that he was totally bewildered about. One of his sons...who he had been feeling for years that he "could do nothing with"..gradually was getting into deeper and deeper trouble. After he started posting on the thread where it came out (it was a poll about spanking on the General Discussion section of that board), one day his kid had been arrested and we all lived through a limited synopsis of what was happening in his family and in the court.

From the posts on that thread and from a couple of pm's later between us, I gathered that he decided that corporal punishment was NOT the solution. And, he also decided that it had NEVER been the solution.

One of the biggest problems in his family, it seemed to me, was one parent being over permissive (to the extent of buying tons, and I mean TONS, of stuff for this kid no matter what) and the other just seeing that this kid's behaviour was unacceptable and reacting to it instead of looking at the bigger picture. No agreement between the two about how to handle things (and, I suspect, not a lot of discussion about much of anything.







)

I also gathered that the personalities of this guy and his son are really different. This makes parenting hard. I've got it a little with my son. I can already tell he is waaaay more social than I was, so I keep trying to adjust to that. I don't want to squish that part of him and I realize that he may not be as much of a self-regulator as I was. (Although, he IS one in comparison to lots of kids I see him with on the playground.)

Anyhow, altogether, this guy was confused, hashed a lot of it out on the board and, I gather, changed how he was approaching the situation and things improved.

I'll find the thread and pm you a link.


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## BlueBelle (Jun 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amywillo*
If he slaps her hand again, punch him in the nose. He has to know there is an immediate reaction for every action he takes.









While I'm laughing at the image, I think I totally agree with this sentiment. If he smacks her hand for behavior that he doesn't deem tolerable....smack his for likewise behavior. If you don't think smacking your daughter is tolerable, then that seems "punishment" worthy to me!

I know we say this alllllll the time, but why do people think that it's appropriate to smack kids, when we can all pretty much agree that it's not appropriate to smack adults?!


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

I would give your DH two choices:

get rid of/move the game console.
buy a protective cover for it.








2

Additionally, it seems to me (I don't know) that your DC is still *very* young and not yet in a "punishment" phase (except for the real fringe). Perhaps something like an AAP policy statement would help?


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## Evergreen (Nov 6, 2002)

Everyone has given very good advice on how to deal with dh, which is good, because I am at a loss on that one.

However, the situation with your mother is even different. For one thing, she is not a parent. Not that i beleive parents should hit children, but people who are not parents certainly shouldn't.

You are in the postiion to give your mother an ultimatum. Either stop hitting and yelling at my BABY or you will not get to see her, even supervised. End of story.

My mother did spank us as children (rarely, I think maybe two time each) and doesn't have a "no hitting" rule, but I can not evver ever ever see her attempting to hit my child, or any child that isn't her's.


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## Icequeen_in_ak (Mar 6, 2004)

I had another conversation with him last night. Because he keeps bringing up that our parents smacked on us (the level I received was straight out abuse) and we turned out okay....

So I said... well geez honey.... your mother smoked like a chimney her entire pregnancy with you, and both of your parents smoked like chimneys your entire life and you turned out okay.... but does that mean that it's okay to do to Emma????? He said "that's not the same... there is medical proof now that smoke is dangerous"....

Which is when I threw the Havard study at him and told him to have a nice read... and then come talk to me about this!

Please....... keep positive thoughts for me that ANY of this will sink into that mans thick skull!!!! I'd hate to have to beat it in with a frying pan


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

Great to see logic bite someone on the ass like that!


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

_disclaimer: I'm not as anti-corporal punishment as many people here_

I don't see this as a type-of-discipline issue. This is a parents-as-partners issue. Just tell him that this might be an irrational quirk of yours, but it's your thing. Since there are plenty of ways to do things that work, you need to choose another one for your daughter. His respect for you and your quirks and needs and wants demands that he make this change in his behavior.

It bothers my mother when I do certain things when driving. I could argue with her all day that it's safe and get studies on it, but since there is another way and I respect her, I do it that other way when she's in the car.


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## MomInFlux (Oct 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Apricot*
[I don't see this as a type-of-discipline issue. This is a parents-as-partners issue. Just tell him that this might be an irrational quirk of yours, but it's your thing. Since there are plenty of ways to do things that work, you need to choose another one for your daughter. His respect for you and your quirks and needs and wants demands that he make this change in his behavior.

I just HAD to respond to this. I'm sure you know, OP, that this is not the right direction to go in. This absolutely minimizes the no-hitting message, and instead portrays not hitting your daughter as some inconsequential thing, equivalent to what, making hospital corners when you make the bed? This would only accomplish sending the message to your DH and your mother not hit your DD in your presence. I'm not being as clear as I want to be, but I'm really irked by this.


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

What's wrong with saying, "If you respect me like you should, you won't hit our daughter or allow my mother to do so" ?
I think anything that works is appropriate. He's not being convinced by logic and theory and studies. If the truth doesn't work...what will?

Frankly, a husband that would say one thing to my face and do another behind my back on an issue I feel passionately about...that's a more serious issue than spanking or hand slapping. That's a disconnect of the whole family.


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## MomInFlux (Oct 23, 2003)

Apricot - I don't disagree with you on your general premise - that if the OP's DH won't listen to reason, then he should at least respect the OP's wishes. However, to categorize not hitting as a "quirky" request on a GD forum that advocates no hitting is, I think, off-putting. And, the example you provided - changing your driving behavior only when you mother is in the car - seemed to indicate that it would be OK for the OP's DH and mother to only not hit the OP's daughter when the OP is present. I guess not what you meant, tho...


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## Icequeen_in_ak (Mar 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MomInFlux*
Apricot - I don't disagree with you on your general premise - that if the OP's DH won't listen to reason, then he should at least respect the OP's wishes. However, to categorize not hitting as a "quirky" request on a GD forum that advocates no hitting is, I think, off-putting. And, the example you provided - changing your driving behavior only when you mother is in the car - seemed to indicate that it would be OK for the OP's DH and mother to only not hit the OP's daughter when the OP is present. I guess not what you meant, tho...

I took Apricots post the same way you did... that I was minimalizing hitting our child to a personality disfunction of my own and that as long as he didn't hit her in my presence it was okay.

I understand that is probably not what you meant. I suspect what you were in fact trying to say is that if I minimalize it to a character flaw of mine, regardless if true or not, if it made him stop, it made him stop and the end result is what I want, regardless of how we got there... which in a sense is true.. but...my only disagreement with that is that he and my mother both need to *understand* why I feel this way. They need to *understand* that even though it's the way they were brought up, it's been proven to be unhealthy for children. I don't want them to follow my wishes because they think I'm a nut (but hell.. lets me honest, at this point I'd be happy with them following my wishes), because then they aren't getting the big picture and it will be a source of stress until the end of time.

I'm just searching for the magic that will make them understand.....


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## Fianna (Sep 4, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Apricot*
What's wrong with saying, "If you respect me like you should, you won't hit our daughter or allow my mother to do so" ?
I think anything that works is appropriate. He's not being convinced by logic and theory and studies. If the truth doesn't work...what will?

Frankly, a husband that would say one thing to my face and do another behind my back on an issue I feel passionately about...that's a more serious issue than spanking or hand slapping. That's a disconnect of the whole family.

I think I understand the point you are making here, Apricot, and it is a valid one. But I think it is not a "more serious" issue. Instead it seems clear that I-i-A's dh isn't respecting either of the important females in his life, his wife and his dd. Both behaviors are serious violations of trust and respect and both will have the potential for long-term damage on his relationships with his family. I think pointing out the damage he is doing to everyone he loves is important.

It may be just the video equipment now, but that's because she just barely mobile, right? This isn't an issue that is going to resolve itself once the video equipment is covered up. The older she gets the more she will be able to get into, the more of his buttons she will push. Most people that I know didn't seriously have to fight the urge to occasionally use corporal punishment until their kids were 2 or older. This really is an issue that needs to be resolved before it becomes an regular part of his parenting.


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## polka123 (Nov 27, 2003)

I don't know....

My X-dh was arrested for spousal battery on me.
I was smacked by my mom -

*Nor* can I condone threatening her DH with worse violence.
Why would some GD'ers threaten violence (punching in the nose & hitting with objects) to him but be totally against any physical action toward their kids? confusing.
Just an observation.,








I would think non-physical mindset would be across the board.
before you all jump down my throat......

the 2 adults in this house need to agree on these issues - basic as that - no more, no less

I can agree with the side as someone who sees kids that were given no boundaries & think they can do whatever they want. Our society is paying for all that now. that's the other extreme.

I don't think it's all black & white expecially for a 1 yr old.
Some rules are black & white but they are age specific.

Basically - as someone who trains dogs, you can expect a puppy to understand so much. Beyond that - you react to the situation. i.e.: puppies chew - so you gotta make sure keep stuff out of his mouth for a time.
Someone could really beat the dog but it will still chew.

*The same goes for a 1 yr old - they can only understand so much. I can guarantee that MOST 1 yr old babes will not understand the no-touch concept just yet.*
The rest is for the adult to be proactive.
*I say put up a barrier if things cannot be moved.*
Then get on the same page for future discipline

Quote:

I would give your DH two choices:

get rid of/move the game console.
buy a protective cover for it.

Additionally, it seems to me (I don't know) that your DC is still *very* young and not yet in a "punishment" phase (except for the real fringe). Perhaps something like an AAP policy statement would help? by Tired X2
ITA


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I sort of see your point Apricot. I think that to say that this:

Quote:

Just tell him that this might be an irrational quirk of yours, but it's your thing.
...does trivialize the issue. It would be an error for her to suggest that she is being quirky or irrational by insisting that her child not be hit. That would just give him fuel.

However, I do think that even if he can't be convinced, he should still respect her on this.

My story is actually similar, and its shameful to admit, but I was pro-spanking and my DH was against it when we first had kids. (I never would have slapped hands for getting into stuff though.) Anyway, we fought a lot about it, and finally his argument was, _"Maybe we can't agree right now. But until we reach an agreement, I think its best to do nothing."_ That is our general rule -- do nothing until we reach a place where we agree on an action.

I guess the point was, instead of slapping the baby until she convinces him otherwise, it would be best if he did it her way until *he* can convince *her* otherwise. (Which is when hell freezes over, I know.)


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

do you have IKEA in Alaska? because we just bought a cabinet from them for our TV equipment that closes and can be child proofed so it can't be opened. we have one for the computer too. we got it so that my 3 year old who likes to get up at 4AM won't sit and watch TV while we all sleep - but it also keeps 15 month old DD from constantly pulling cords and pushing buttons - which, lets face it, is a lot of fun. now we only have to redirect her while we're actually watching TV. This, of course, doesn't solve the greater issue of hitting.

i almost agree with the idea of punching him :LOL. maybe you can redirect him to something else everytime he starts to smack her hand. (flash him?:LOL) honestly, while I know that you really want him to learn and grow and agree with you - I would just tell him that you dont' care if he agrees with you or not - it is *not* acceptable to you, and you *WILL NOT* allow it to happen. period. if he does it, make sure your daughter sees you tell him that it isn't okay, that you comfort her, that she sees you protecting her. she may be young, but kids pick up on these things. decide what lengths you will go to to keep this from happening - and pass that on to your DH. then, follow through - even if it takes picking up dd and moving out to a hotel. make him see that you're serious.


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

I think I didn't pick a very good example, and I appreciate everyone being pretty nice about pointing it out. My intention was to pick a health and safety issue. The fact that I don't do it all the time wasn't to suggest he should or could do that, as it is affecting the daughter anytime he does it. And my basic idea was just to find a way to get him to stop, hoping his heart will help when the behavior is not allowed.

If the OP really wants understanding, then my suggesting is not a good one at all. The things you are saying _should_ work. Can you get him outside of the situation at all? It seems like he might be under a number of faulty thoughts, that children are naturally bad or sinners, for instance. For that assumption, it's more than the hitting that has to go.
Is he a dog or horse person? Those "training" manuals sometimes show very clearly why hitting is not the best way to train a loving young animal to be a loving adult animal. He may take that better because it isn't "the way he was brought up" it's an entirely different subject.
I have to think that he didn't have a baby to hit it. Did he really expect to spend a section of her young whacking her until he had her trained?
I also think he is overreacting a bit. Her behavior is that of a small curious child who doesn't get boundaries. It's not the disobedient behavior of a rebellious teenager. I think you might be able to ask him what he wants in 5 years. I suspect he might want an obedient child with a good sense of right and wrong and respect for her parent's decisions. Consistency, Education, Involvement, and Discipline are the way to get that. He is afraid that without hitting he won't get that. Show him another way (don't call it the better way...though it is) to get what he wants and compromise there. I'm really thinking he is arguing not for smacking, but for obedience. You can't win the argument by showing him hitting information because that's not his horse in this race.


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## polka123 (Nov 27, 2003)

Quote:

maybe you can redirect him to something else everytime he starts to smack her hand. (flash him?) by eclipse








:







:









I like it !


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

I missed a few responses in the middle, I don't type that fast! To mamaduck, when I said

Quote:

Just tell him that this might be an irrational quirk of yours, but it's your thing.
I really don't think she should admit it's an irrational quick of hers. Just that he might think it is irrational. Like, "Hon, you might just think it's me being crazy, but please honor my feelings. I have a lot of good reasons to believe it's true and I won't bend."


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## scoutycat (Oct 12, 2003)

I was very worried that dh and I would go down this road - to head it off, I got him to agree to talk to me about it before spanking/hitting/slapping or therwise physically punishing our daughter. So far, he hasn't had to *phew*. If he ever did, my plan is to
1) Come up with (brainstorm) several techniques that should help the situation;
2) Discuss his/our concerns about the problem and the solutions I've suggested
3) Reach some kind of agreement about which of the techniques we will use in that specific situation, and what we will do if that one fails;
4) Write down our plan an put it up somewhere where it can be refered to.
I think dh will never be convinced that spanking isn't necessary unless I am able to show him time and again that there are alternatives. But then, he agrees that spanking or whatever isn't a quick fix, either, and I completely trust him to follow through with his agreement.
One of my first suggestions in your particular situation would be to unhook the gaming system (should be simple) and keep it away from the kid @@
So far as your mom goes, I would give her an ultimatum. Hitting = no baby, and she's on supervised visits until you are convinced that she is skilled enough to do something other than hit if she needs to stopp the child from doing something. She has absolutely no right to discipline your kid in a way you don't agree with.
4)


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## zeldah (Mar 29, 2003)

Have you tried withholding sex? It's non-violent, and sounds like a logical consequence to me ... I certainly can't get romantic with a guy that would harm my child.

As for Mom, withhold visitation. Plain and simple. In my house, if you hit, you must sit alone. It sure is no fun, and the hitting stops. If kids can get the message, you'd think rational adults would be able to get it.

jmho


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

T

I'm really ticked off that my words in this post were quoted in another thread as advocating violence when I was clearly being sarcastic.

Quote:

Nor can I condone threatening her DH with worse violence.
Why would some GD'ers threaten violence (punching in the nose & hitting with objects) to him but be totally against any physical action toward their kids? confusing.
Just an observation.
Do you seriously think people here are advocating violence against their spouses? I'm the one who made the punching in the nose comment. You know what really pisses me off big time about this? I usually refrain from even using violent language in joking manner, but in this case I thought making a violent joke was warranted; firstly, because making this analogy would point out the ridiculousness of the father's actions in a visually memorable way, and secondly because I was upset that these two big people were hitting a baby. A baby who is a little younger than my baby. A baby who probably like my baby is crawling, pulls to a stand and babbles and doesn't understand when she gets hurt, but may cry hysterically. I was also trying to show my understanding of the frustration and anger the OP must have felt. And now here you go interpreting it literally and quoting me on another thread for who knows what reason. Yes, I am spitting mad right now, and I never post here when I'm angry since I might say something I'll regret. But I don't care anymore.

FWIW, I don't post here that often, but the thread started was someone from the Equinox 2003 thread and we all have babies about the same age.

I try to practice NVC, but I'm not that good at it, and ultimately I'm not that pacifistic. If I had both my dh and my MIL thinking it was OK to smack my baby's hands for exploring her environment, I'm not sure what I would do. No, I wouldn't punch anyone in the nose, but I might try to make him understand that this behavior was non-negotiable for me. And if at a later point in time, I had to physically step in front of his hand to keep it from hitting my baby, I would. I'm not worried about the physical pain from a smack on the hand, I'm worried about everything that this type of behavior means!


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## canadiyank (Mar 16, 2002)

Amy







I thought your sarcastic tone was pretty clear! - sorry you got misinterpreted!


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Yeah, Amy -- you are entitled to be angry! And honestly, I thougt your contribution lightened the OP's burden in this thread and made a solid point both at the same time. It was an excellent use of sarcasm (clearly not a real suggestion) and I'm sorry it was used in a hurtful way.


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Thank you for posting Amywillo--

CLEARLY you were joking! Of course, one might have to read your words in CONTEXT...


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## Bestbirths (Jan 18, 2003)

I have similar situations with my mom and dh. Only I am a reformed spanker. The first thing I did was to stop spanking and threatening my kids for quite a long while. Then, after I was being the example, I let them know that I did not want my kids spanked by them. With my mom I said "Do NOT spank my children!!!". With dh, I was a bit more tactful and said "I didn't want to spank the kids anymore and could'nt we find some other solutions besides spanking?" Mostly we find other solutions, like getting a cabinet for the video equipment or putting it out of reach.

When my husband starts to get overwhelmed with the kids, I can sense it first and try to go help him, give him a hand with what he is doing, meet his needs. In the video situation, I would remove the child from the room the entire time the video game was being played if necessary, until a suitable cabinet was purchased. DH would notice that we were not in the room, and we were leaving the area as to not create the whole hand slapping circle of events.

When my dh is talking to our kids and I sense that he is getting ready to spank, I don't punch him! Lord No! I wouldn't punch him if he did spank, because that is not modeling non violence to him, and it could escilate violence from there.

I just give dh "the Look", which is a look of disapproval that I rarely give out but its a look that says "I am really really unhappy with whats about to take place here. Most of the time, all I have to do is give dh "the look", and he usually begins to redirect his conversation with the kids to something else besides a threat or a spank. The "look" means "I need you to get a little more creative here with the discipline". The look usually always works. If the look doesn't work sometimes I will say "Could we get a little more creative with the discipline?" This may start a dialog or brainstorm of solutions to work the problem at hand.


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## Trinitty (Jul 15, 2004)

I would just draw the line in the sand with my mother. If you hit my child, you won't see her. Period.

The husband will be tough though.

The smoking point is brilliant. Bravo. I bet that will sink in. Ask him if he's going to make her pick a switch to hit her with in the future. Ask him if you're going to drive around without a booster seat in the car. Ask him if you're going to feed her Happy Meals. Think of other things that our parents may have done or seen as fine at the time, that has been revealed as harmful now.

Appeal to his senses. Explain how LITTLE she is, that she is a BABY and doesn't know not to touch things. Does he want her growing up thinking it's okay for men to hit her?

Every time she goes near the video game system, put money into a jar to get a cabinet so she CAN'T touch the cords, etc. Get one used, you'll save money.

I would provide a reaction too. Every time he did it, I would take her away from him, out of the house. Somewhere. That would send a pretty strong message. Maybe deny him other things.

Sit down and come up with different distractions, other methods to get her away from the game system. The most obvious is a cabinet.

I'm very sorry that you're going through this. I will have a bit of trouble with my Dh too, I suspect. He was spanked all of the time. But, as silly as this sounds, we have cats. We've spanked the cats before and felt HORRIBLE about it and we don't do it anymore...... so, I'm thinking that it will effect our parenting choices.

Trinitty.

PS: and stop watching "Doctor Phil" for pete's sake.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

We've had a similar problem. My husband is on board with GD but when Elijah really starts acting up all of a sudden my husband thinks the only thing that will work is spanking. I am not subtle about it, I don't give him studies. I will not tolerate it period. When I can tell he is considering it I say "Go away right now." If he argues with me I tell him that if he can not treat them with respect then he cannot be around them. Period. Don't let him hit your baby. My god she isn't even 11 months old. Is he insane?


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## rebeckyr (Aug 7, 2004)

Is there more than one issue you fight about - if this is REALLY important to you, I would sacrifice losing another fight to win this one. For example if he fights about doing the laundry, I would do all the laundry IF he agreed to give up on the hitting issue.

For the record I don't think this is the best way to parent, or have a marriage but this issue would practically be a deal breaker in my marriage. You don't say that he actually hits her so i assume you just fight about it? I do however think marriage is about compromise and since having a child I actually get why someone would spank - i don't think its right but having now had a child I get how frustrating it can be. So I don't think parents that do it are necessarily evil, just misguided. So find a way to compromise by not giving in on this issue, but giving in on another non parenting issue.

Then I would talk to my mom totally separate and tell her this is what we have decided and we need you to respect that and her support is really important so you need it.


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## Icequeen_in_ak (Mar 6, 2004)

Sadly enough, the other argument is vaxing....







all of my battles are tough ones I guess.


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## polka123 (Nov 27, 2003)

Sorry to Hi-Jack your thread IceQ -
My DH was hesitant about the no or delay-vax thing until he started reading the research..... now he's on board with it or at least while DS is a babe - we go thru the subject every so often as to re-affirm out decision.
He has a child that stopped breathing after a DPT & he had to perform CPR to bring her back so..... it wasn't too hard.
have him read some the Vax thread here







2

now to address this:


Amywillo said:


> T
> I'm really ticked off that my words in this post were quoted in another thread as advocating violence when I was clearly being sarcastic.
> 
> 
> ...


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rebeckyr*
Is there more than one issue you fight about - if this is REALLY important to you, I would sacrifice losing another fight to win this one. For example if he fights about doing the laundry, I would do all the laundry IF he agreed to give up on the hitting issue.


I do think that marriage involves give and take, but since this issue is about protecting a child from being hit, this idea feels a little bit creepy to me. I mean, would you want to be with a man who has to be *bribed* not to hit your kids?







And then what happens if she forgets to do his laundry? He slaps the baby?









I mean I just wouldn't want to live like this.


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## BrettsMama (Oct 17, 2003)

The first step you could take is to eliminate the problem areas. I bought one of those fence things that are designed to make a big pen. Instead of closing him in like that, I stretched it out so that it runs in front of my tv (And all the equipment that goes with it) the computer and our little table with the printer. That eliminates the problem of her getting into his precious stuff.

About the hitting, you're going to have to take a very strong stance with both of them. I don't know how receptive he will be but do everything you can to make him stop hitting her. It's simply unacceptable.


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## Bestbirths (Jan 18, 2003)

Someone mentioned withholding sex, and that it was non violent. I disagree. I think that withholding sex is violent. To me, it sounds like a threat. "If you spank the kids, you will not get any sex". I think threatening is violent because it causes people to act out of fear. Do we really want our dh's not to spank because they are afraid that they won't get any? What would happen if this threatening to withold sex was going on over an issue, say a safety issue where the child was doing something dangerous. One parent wanted to spank the child to stop, and the other wanted to find other solutions. Instead of discussing the issue, the one parent just threatened to withhold sex if the other didn't cooperate. I know this is a little off topic from the OP's scenario but bear with me. Say something would happen to the child and the child would die from the dangerous activity. The parent who was forced not to spank through threatening may just feel awful, like if they would have taken a stand and spanked anyway the whole tragedy wouldn't have happened. You could see how a situation like this could create so much bitterness in a marriage, and damage it.

I would like to get dh to the point that he doesn't spank because he also sees that it is unecessary and damaging, and that there are alternatives. True change in a person comes from the inside out, from the heart first and then outward to the actions. I think that threatening would hyjack this process.


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## Divina (Sep 13, 2003)

Frankly, I wouldn't be willing to have sex with my SO if he insisted on hitting--it would totally kill my amorous feelings toward him. So, to me, it's not a threat, it's just a fact of life. If you hit my child, I will be ill if you touch me. (Now *there's* a turn-on!) Why should I have sex with a man I'm deeply angry with? (Luckily for our relationship, my SO is totally fine with not spanking.)


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