# could you...



## mamacita angelica (Oct 6, 2006)

throw a baby shower for a friend?

I am four months since the stillbirth of my daughter. A very very good friend of mine told me, about two weeks after my daughter died, that she was pregnant with twins after her first successful IVF treatment. I was so very happy for her. Overjoyed, really.

She has been trying to get pregnant for over five years. Despite her battles with infertility, she threw a shower for me during my first pregnancy. If she ever was upset by any of it, she never expressed it to me directly or indirectly. She has been wonderful during my pregnancies and incredibly supportive of me. And even though I'm sure it has been hard, she has reached out to me during this time of grief as well. I truly love her.

And so, I want to be a good friend. And if Lucy hadn't died in December, there would be no question, I would be throwing her a surprise shower, baking all kinds of goodies, painting her babies pictures...her baby shower for me was amazing. She went above and beyond, and I always imagined doing the same for her. But now, I'm just not sure. Lucy did die. It isn't simply the happy, naive, innocent pregnant lady vibes, but also that I realized something was wrong with Lucy at a baby shower, and left there, went home, talked to my husband, and went to the hospital and found out she was dead. There is so much mired in showers for me.

So, just wondering, how you ladies would handle it? I guess I am not necessarily looking for permission to not do it, I am wondering if you would do it, despite how hard it would be, for a good friend, or if you think it is simply too much to bear too soon.

Thank you for any of your advice, insights and thoughts.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Have you considered sharing the responsibilities with other friends? Have a group throw the shower and let them know what you feel you are capable of doing. Let someone else shoulder the largest load and do what you can.

You don't owe her a shower and I'm sure she wouldn't want to cause you any further distress.

I attended a shower of a friend at work a few months after my son died. I helped where I could but I didn't take on as much responsibility as I would have if my son had lived. The event went well. I felt like I was in the spotlight because everyone knew what had happened. I sat next to a friend and we had light conversation that distracted me through a lot of it. It was tough but okay. I was glad to be there for her.


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## alisonwolfe (May 6, 2009)

ugh!! my heart is breaking for you! this is such a tough situation and i honestly cannot relate to your side of the situation at all!

i think the only advice i would have would be to throw the party! i know this is competely different but, my mom died in february of my grade 12 year. i had to listen to all my friends plan dress shopping, make thier nail, hair and make up appointments, all with the help from their moms. i would get so jealous, so angry that they could all move on while i felt so alone in the whole process. i realized that i NEEDED to move on and celebrate with my friends because otherwise i'd become bitter and resentful against my friends.

like i said, i know the situation is competely different, but i think that throwing this party and showing your friend how much you love her through this celebration will help you to heal and allow your friend to know that you have no resentment.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I haven't been to a baby shower since my daughter died. I tell people, "You don't really want me there. I am a cruel reminder of what can happen." If she is your friend they way you say she is, I am sure she understands. And not getting pregnant, is very different from losing a child. Not worse or better, just different. Do what you feel comfortable doing and as long as it comes from you heart, it will be the right thing.
Gossamer


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I know it would be hard.. maybe as chesire said.. do it with other friends, so all the weight isn't on you? I actually just got my first post Dresden baby shower invite today.. it feels strange to go in a way.. but in another way, I'm excited to share the excitment of someone's first baby. I know that just by her knowing me.. it must be harder to be pregnant.. people close to us know just how horribly wrong things can go in pregnancy.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

It's been almost 5 months since my miscarriage and I've yet to go to any of the baby showers I have been invited too. I feel like somehow I would make it about me, and my loss. Since I can't be sure that I would be able to feel overjoyed for the new mom (as everyone at a baby shower should), I've chosen not to go. I guess it depends on where you are emotionally. If you decide to give her the shower, I do think it's a great idea to share the job with a friend or two so that you can let it go if needed. Take care


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I'm at the 3 month mark & I don't think I could do it. There is only one person in my life who I think I could suck up the courage to celebrate her baby with her, if she got pregnant. She is dearer then a sister to me & has been trying to get pregnant for awhile. Other then that, I still have trouble seeing little baby boys in stores. I'd feel trapped & claustrophobic.

Maybe you could do something totally non-showerish to celebrate. That is the point right - to celebrate her joy. You don't have to do it in the traditional format. Maybe the two of you could pamper yourselves at a spa or go away for a girls weekend?

If I were to do it, I'd want many helpers who could take over if it got too much for me. I would also want to control the guest list (which may or may not be fair) so that only understanding people would be there.


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

I would, but I am really bad at living up to social obligation. And actually, I would also, because I loved my friend. But you have to do what is right for you and I can pretty much assure you that no one expects this from you right now.


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## soulshine (Feb 2, 2007)

omg, forget it! no way could i throw a shower for anyone, ever. too painful, and too many triggers. its just a shower, someone else can do it! i can't even attend showers, let alone throw them.

just because your friend, who was suffering with infertility, was able to give you a shower, does not mean you *have* to reciprocate. everyone handles their pain and challenges differently. she obviously was at a place in her life where she felt she could handle doing that for you. good for her, but it doesn't mean you are a bad person if you can't do the same... your baby just died! btw, i would have said the same thing to her... infertility brings along with it some of the same feelings of loss and desperation... its totally "ok" if you don't give her a shower. i would just say to tell her how you feel! be honest. 'look, i had planned on giving you a shower, but what happened to me and my family is just too much right now, i love you, i am thrilled, i wish i could be involved, but i just can't.'. i am sure you would have understood if she said something like this to you, right?

baby showers, i think, should be fun and happy, exciting celebrations of new life... not necessarily the best place for a grieving mom. i would feel very self-conscious, like gossamer wrote, a reminder of what happens when things go wrong. that, and i would be afraid i would start crying, and make a scene.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Not if I weren't pregnant myself.

Now that I am again expecting, no matter how early, I tell you, for me, it takes the sting right out of other people's pregnancies. Takes the edge completely off, in fact, I find myself feeling awesome about other ladies' pregnancies









But just a little while ago, not pregnant and feeling very barren, I would have to say I couldn't do it. The only reason I could now is because this new life has caused me to be able to move forward into a new stage.

I completely understand your hesitation. I think, you know, do what you feel least painful about in your heart. You don't _have_ to do this if you don't want to. You don't owe anyone anything, ya know?

*HUGE, enormous hugs* XXXXXXX


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

It all depends on whether you think you can handle it. It will be hard, it will be stressful and you will be trying to smile the entire time while you are hurting inside. There are few people I would have done that for so soon after. But honestly, I can think of 2 people (my sisters).


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## Marlet (Sep 9, 2004)

Saw this on new posts. I know I'm butting in here as I've haven't lost a child. My first instinct would be to say no. I don't think I could.








I tend to stay away from these type posts because I feel so much for each and every one of you. I read Lucia's birth story. I'm sobbing..you were so honest about everything. The statue you made was beautiful (I was hoping you'd show a picture). I wish I had something to say that would make you feel a bit better, even if only for a moment but I'm at a loss for words. Just know your story touched me and I'm sorry it had to happen to you.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

You know what? Why don't you sit down with her and have a heart to heart? See how she feels, tell her how you feel - that you love her, but you're not sure if you're going to have a sobbing breakdown in the middle of her shower or not? If you're thatclose, she's going to get it. And if, after that conversation, you still feel like you want to move forward... enlist backup. LOTS of backup. So that you can delegate, and make sure you have an exit strategy on the day of... and make sure your friend knows about it. I wouldn't put myself in charge of anything on the day of - I'd just be like the wedding planner, making sure everyone is where they're supposed to be, and I'd have a backup wedding planner who knew the ins and outs so I could bail if I had to.

Good luck, mama. You're a good friend for even wrestling with this question. HUGS.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

I could and would.

But...if it's going to be rough on you, as someone else suggested, have a sit-down with her and talk about it. You shouldn't feel obligated to do it, or to go.


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## busymama7 (Dec 5, 2008)

I feel weak after hearing how many of you think you would be able to do this! I am nearly 5 years out of my full-term stillbirth and I still have a very hard time attending showers. I do it, but did not until my next baby was born safe and sound. At about 10 months out there was a baby shower at church that I was indirectly involved with(I was a youth leader and the girls were planning it for one of the moms at church) I had avoided helping with it and was on the fence about going. I really didn't want to, but was feeling obligated. The morning of I was crying and trying to make myself be able to go, when another leader called and asked me to pick up some balloons, and do something else, which I can't remember. I told her no way and ended up not even going. (She was understanding and appologized for not thinking) I did feel somewhat bad, but it is what it is. The next shower I attended was after my little girl was born, she was probably 4-6 months old and I had to leave early as I couldn't handle it. One thing that probably contributed to my difficulties is that I have 7 children now and the only baby shower I ever had was for my daughter that died(she was number 5). I had always felt a little bad and left out that I had never gotten thrown a shower, so was really excited when I had one for her. It was the first time I had very many nice baby things as we just didn't have much money. I have not been able to even entertain the idea of one with my next 2 babies. I would refuse one, if offered, but may consider a welcome baby shower. Which btw, since I am rambling, I think is a better idea anyways. Then everyone gets to meet the baby etc.

Maybe that would be easier for you to handle? Once you know the babies are here safe and sound. I agree with previous posters that you really just need to talk to your friend about it.


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## mamacita angelica (Oct 6, 2006)

thank you all for your thoughtful, insightful answers.

i know what she will say if i talk to her about throwing her a shower. she will say, absolutely do not do it. she is a wonderful friend. she is caring. she is compassionate. see, she wouldn't want me to do anything that cause any amount of anxiety, pain or discomfort, but this is precisely why i want to throw her a shower. she is modest, and gracious, and humble, and giving. it almost has to be a surprise. she does not expect me to throw a shower, but i want to do something for her. she has been suffering with infertility for so long. and is now having twins. i just want to shower her, literally, with love. and so, when i search in my heart of hearts, i think that i cannot possibly miss this opportunity to let her know how much her children mean to me. perhaps, even because it would be difficult...i have decided to do it. it will be small,because i will be representing a small, but important part of her life. her college friends, and childhood friends, will throw her another, equally large, shower. i just want to throw her something tasteful and beautiful, and loving. i decided i won't have games. i won't have bows on her head, but i will have delicious, amazing food for her, and lots of cool things for the babies.

hell, i have a therapist, and an amazing network of loving folk. i can do this!


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

angie!
you're a great friend to, ya know!?


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

You are a wonderful friend. That sounds beautiful to do something small with food and love. Good luck







I'm sure she will love it and realize what it means to you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamacita angelica* 
thank you all for your thoughtful, insightful answers.

i know what she will say if i talk to her about throwing her a shower. she will say, absolutely do not do it. she is a wonderful friend. she is caring. she is compassionate. see, she wouldn't want me to do anything that cause any amount of anxiety, pain or discomfort, but this is precisely why i want to throw her a shower. she is modest, and gracious, and humble, and giving. it almost has to be a surprise. she does not expect me to throw a shower, but i want to do something for her. she has been suffering with infertility for so long. and is now having twins. i just want to shower her, literally, with love. and so, when i search in my heart of hearts, i think that i cannot possibly miss this opportunity to let her know how much her children mean to me. perhaps, even because it would be difficult...i have decided to do it. it will be small,because i will be representing a small, but important part of her life. her college friends, and childhood friends, will throw her another, equally large, shower. i just want to throw her something tasteful and beautiful, and loving. i decided i won't have games. i won't have bows on her head, but i will have delicious, amazing food for her, and lots of cool things for the babies.

hell, i have a therapist, and an amazing network of loving folk. i can do this!


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## *Jade* (Mar 13, 2007)

What a great thing you are doing for your friend.

I was in the middle of planning a shower for one of my close friends when I had my miscarriage. She tried to take it off me the month before, when I was depressed with infertility, but I was soldiering on. However the miscarriage made it much to difficult, so I bowed out. In the end her shower was 4 weeks after my miscarriage, and it was SO hard. No-one mentioned my loss (and I know it's because people are uncomfortable, but it would have at least made me feel someone cared). I spent the whole shower with a fake smile and close to tears, and cried all the way home. But I did it, and I'm glad. I really wanted to be there for my friend.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

if it were me in your shoes i would do it







look at how you are talking about her-you obviously have so much respect for her. especially how well she treated you when she was unsuccessful getting pregnant. i know it's got to ne hard, but you will look back and smile at how strong you were if you do it. and that's priceless.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamacita angelica* 
thank you all for your thoughtful, insightful answers.

i know what she will say if i talk to her about throwing her a shower. she will say, absolutely do not do it. she is a wonderful friend. she is caring. she is compassionate. see, she wouldn't want me to do anything that cause any amount of anxiety, pain or discomfort, but this is precisely why i want to throw her a shower. she is modest, and gracious, and humble, and giving. it almost has to be a surprise. she does not expect me to throw a shower, but i want to do something for her. she has been suffering with infertility for so long. and is now having twins. i just want to shower her, literally, with love. and so, when i search in my heart of hearts, i think that i cannot possibly miss this opportunity to let her know how much her children mean to me. perhaps, even because it would be difficult...i have decided to do it. it will be small,because i will be representing a small, but important part of her life. her college friends, and childhood friends, will throw her another, equally large, shower. i just want to throw her something tasteful and beautiful, and loving. i decided i won't have games. i won't have bows on her head, but i will have delicious, amazing food for her, and lots of cool things for the babies.

hell, i have a therapist, and an amazing network of loving folk. i can do this!










i wish i had more friends like you angie!







:


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

It sounds like a beautiful thing to do. You are a great friend.


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jess_paez* 
i wish i had more friends like you angie!







:









wow! yeah, me too! you should be very proud of yourself!









karma is a bommarang


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## MiracleMama (Sep 1, 2003)

Angie you are a wonderful friend and an amazing woman.
I'm sure she will appreciate this even more, knowing what you've been through.
I just had to respond and say how much I admire your strength.


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