# I Feel So Alone and Empty



## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

I feel so alone and empty.







:

There is so much going on here.

My 3 1/2 year old Hope just started JK and while I am getting used to it slowly it is a very difficult transition for me. I don't know any of the teachers or staff and am expected to completely trust them with my precious little girl.
(Fortunately she loves it and has made many friends.)

My sister just had another baby. A girl. Broke my heart. She's had 3 boys and now Katie. I feel like such a failure because I couldn't bring my baby girl home and all she does is keep having babies so easily despite the fact they are totally broke.

Hope's godmother is pregnant again. Number 3. They kept saying their family was perfect the way it was and now another one.

Everyone else's dreams are coming true.

All of this adds up and makes me feel so alone and empty. I couldn't bring my precious Amy Dawn home. I feel we'll never get to have our dreams come true. I wanted four to seven kids, I'd homeschool or send my kids to Montessori school, eat naturally, home birth, everything.

I feel so sick with pain.







: Everyone else's dreams come true so easily and it breaks my heart. We probably won't have any more children, and it breaks my heart all over again to see how easily my friends' dreams come true.

_I'd love to hear from someone who can understand._


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

I havent experienced your pain but I just wanted to give you a









I'm sorry you're dealing with so much pain right now. May peace come to you soon.


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## beckyphry (Sep 26, 2006)

Jen







I'm so sorry for your pain. My heart just broke reading your post.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

I don't exactly know what you're are feeling, but I kind of do. We have not lost a child we knew, one with a name, one that was part of our family, so I am not familiar with your pain. It must be tremendous.

All of our losses, 3 of them, have been early miscarriages.

But I know what it is like to be surrounded by people having babies so easily. It is so easy to be resentful and envious, which are not traits I want to have. I struggle every day trying to not be bitter, I don't want to be that person.

So many people. My best friend, 1st baby. A friend from college, 4th baby (all in daycare, grrrrr). My cousin, 2nd baby, and she is raising horrible brats. Another cousin, unmarried, 1st baby last month. Another friend, unmarried, 1st baby that she almost aborted. Friends, 1st baby and pregnant with 2nd in their 40's. All since I had my first miscarriage 15 months ago. I avoid these people as much as possible, except for my best friend.

I'm frozen right now, unable to move in any direction. For some stupid reason I said I would try another pregnancy, but am finding that I may be too scared. We will start looking into adoption at some point, but not until we try another pregnancy. Great little Catch-22, isn't it?

I always pictured 3 or 4 or 5 kids, but life just hasn't worked out that way. I'm getting old enough that I know 2 may be a challenge to work in. And at this point, one is looking like an uphill climb.

So we control what we can. Why don't you get to know Hope's teachers? Introduce yourself, stop in on a regular basis, see if they will schedule meetings once in awhile, talk to other parents, see if they want classroom volunteers, even if it is a different classroom. It is great she is enjoying school so much.

I don't know what else to tell you, other than I know. I understand. I get it. You are not alone in this. It is hard to see the world go on around you, everyone getting what you want. It isn't fair.










I have complete faith that it won't always be this hard. Too many other people have been through it and survived, we won't be the exceptions.

Keri


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Thank you so much for all of your kind replies. I feel so empty, the pain is just overwhelming. Sometimes I just feel completely ill because of it all. *sigh*

I wish people could understand (or at least would try) how difficult it is to be around new babies for parents who have lost children.

You're right people have made it, they've had too. And I know I have too... so far. I just wonder how much longer I can do it. I feel so worn out.









Thanks for being here.


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## beckyphry (Sep 26, 2006)

Big hugs to you, I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

Sweet Jen, you dont have to do it all at once. Day by day, minute by minute. We're here to give you whatever strength you need to get thru this. To get thru the next day, hour, minute.

I'm sending you a big cyber shoulder to lean on.


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

ME TOO

i only let myself feel like this at night

i just posted a really pathetic post on greif and loss forum
about how much i want to nurse my baby and smell her sweet head

how i want to lay down on top of her grave and scream and cry and just die

i know so selfish
i have the most beautiful daughter and an amazing husband who supports me and i am young and strong and still breathing.

but it is ok to wallow for a while in agony

it is ok to laugh when you feel happy
it is ok to scream when you feel angry
and cry like our hearts are breaking when we feel so f-ing BROKEN

BROKEN

there are gifts that they bring to us
the one i really enjoyed today is my new ability to truly feel deep real mother love for motherless children
my little brother is adopted, we got him after his mom died when he was 6...he is 19 now
anyway
my heart now opens to him completely
my MIL was given up for adoption at birth, and my love for her is now sacred...
b/c they lost their mothers and i lost my daughter...i can pour this love into them


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## Summerland (Aug 9, 2005)

im so sorry


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

s I am so sorry. I do not know exactly how you feel (I don't think any one ever can) but I know a very similar feeling. I watch the families around me bring home their healthy baby girls and I want my daughter back so badly I feel like I am going to die inside. It seems like things happen so easily for others, but not us. It is a horrible feeling.


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moma justice* 
ME TOO

i only let myself feel like this at night

i just posted a really pathetic post on greif and loss forum
about how much i want to nurse my baby and smell her sweet head


I know so much you are feeling. I had an overwhelming want and desire to nurse after I lost my baby, esp. after my milk came in. It is really cruel what your body goes through after a loss.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

I am so sorry...I know partially what you feel...My sister had her baby in April...one month before my Alexis was born...then we lost her and sometimes when she calls and she plays with her baby in the background its like somebody just stabbed in a knife through my heart. Its heartwrenching! One of my friends friend just had a baby in July...a girl...just like my Alexis...its so hard to be completely happy for someone when you are going through this....
I understand.


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## ApplePieBaby (Jun 15, 2006)

I'm so sorry. It's so hard to be around pregnant women & new babies! (((hugs)))


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Thank you to everyone who wrote. =) I appreciate it.

I feel like such a failure. I feel like such a failure!!!

My daughter Hope will be four soon, in less than 2 months now, and all I can think about is 'Have I failed her?' and 'Have I ruined her life?'

I know this is all stuff from my childhood and how my mother ruined my life, I have to separate myself from my emotions to see that Hope is a whole happy child and that I am the broken child who is alone and empty.

I finally phoned my sister to see about coming over to visit them, they weren't home. Wanted to throw up after making the call.

The world just keeps on spinning and sometimes I just want to get off!
Seeing these families grow right before my eyes is absolutely devastating.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

You are not a failure! And you certainly didnt fail your dd!

Are you seeing a therapist? They can be very helpful when dealing with issues from your childhood.

I wish you peace.

I'm still listening.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Listening....thanks for sharing....


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## ApplePieBaby (Jun 15, 2006)

It's so hard to grieve when you have living children sometimes.
You have to be there for them... and they bring you happiness & joy, but then you have the guilt that you're not mourning the one you lost...


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