# My AnEmbryonic Pregnancy Journey



## misseks (Jan 12, 2005)

I knew I was pregnant on day 28. I just knew. I had that feeling, and it was undeniable. I got a negative pregnancy test, but it didn't matter.

I told my parents and close family at 8 weeks. I told the rest at 12.

At almost 13 weeks, I had a wee bit of spotting, that was unusual and surprising to me, in my third pregnancy, but I wasn't worried. I had no sense of dread.

At my 13 week appointment with the midwife, last Tuesday, we coudln't find a heartbeat. I started to wonder if I really was pregnant, or just hungry and oh so nauseous and tired. I went home and finally took a pregnancy test, and it was very positive. Whew, my instincts aren't totally off.

So I had an ultrasound on Wednesday. No fetus. No embryo. Just an empty sac. Blighted ovum, it can be called. Anembryonic pregnancy wa something I'd never even heard of. I was shocked.

I told my friends, my family, as a part of my grieving process...I'm a talker, I'm a thinker, I'm an obsesser. We are moving cities on April 1st! This is terrible timing, I can't understand it - I don't believe, I'm so crushed, I feel stupid and guilty and foolish and desperate and hurt. My heart is aching.

Sad! Devastated. In total and utter denial. They must be wrong. I _feel_ pregnant. How can that be? I spoke breifly with my midwife and she said, "Should we discuss options?" And I knew what she meant, but d&c just isn't my style, so I said, "Um, I'm gonna wait a bit." And I waited.

So I spent two days thinking they were all wrong. Maybe my dates were off. Maybe my baby was hiding? Anything but a _non-_pregnancy.

I spent the next two days feeling so sad. And tired. And shocked. I wept. I sobbed. I thought. I started to wonder - most of these types of pregnancies end much earlier, don't they? Why is my body still holding on? Why am I? My MIL asked innocently, "Why didn't they give you a d&C?" Right, like they just strap you down and give you one! My mother said, "You need to see an OB, there may be problems. I disagreed. I trusted my intuition - still no sense of drad, no sense of horror, and the emptylonely-sadness was fading.

So Sunday night, I let go. I decided I was ready for my 'period.'

Sunday I bled a little. Sunday night, dh went to hockey and got badly injured. He cried out at night as he tried to roll over. His knee was hurt terribly.

Monday morning we saw a doctor, he got crutches and strong antinflammatories. I was very angry. How could he get hurt when I need to curl up in a ball? How can he be so insensitive! I took our 3.5 year old daughter and our 2 year old daughter on 'vacation' to a hotel, not that we can afford it, but just that I _need_ it... so that I would stop being mean to dh. The box-filled ouse was too stressful for me. My impotent husband was too much for me...I needed a break.

We 3 took it easy and watched tv and relaxed and went to the pool. When my emotions cooled down, I invited dh to join us for our one-night vacation. My lower back was aching. I swallowed some ibuprofen as the evening quietly lounged around us. The bleeding was still light.

Last night, as we slept all together, (and dh and I both fell asleep before 11pm - a near miracle!) I started to hurt. From 3am to 7am my lower abdomen cramped and ached.

As the girls woke up and we took part in breakfast in bed, supplied by the hotel, the cramps turned to contractions. Fairly strong contractions, lasting 30 seconds every three to six minutes. With each contraction I felt the blood flow and my body give in. There was no sadness, only reflection and concentration.

I breathed and moaned and quietly listened to the process. It lasted for hours. We left the hotel and went home. I wandered from the tub to the bed to the toilet, changing maxi pads and being thoroughly engrossed at the fascinating process, my body giving way, making space for a new pregnancy, squeezing to the future. Gushes and spalshes in the tub, in the toilet, all day as the family queitly puttered in our small home. I watched in amazement as my abdomen groaned and tensed. I hissed through the pain, shuffling hither and thither.

At 3pm, my entire self contracted in a giant wave of last-chance emptying. My bowels, my uterus, my heart, all cleansed. It was enchanting. I felt so much like I had given birth. I actually _laughed_ at the power of my body. So much like a labour of love.

I rested. I napped for some time, and when I woke, my body ached, just like after my 2nd daughter was born. My vagina is sore from the effort, the cervix feels swollen and soft, my back is sore and tired. And yet...

I feel absolutely elated. I am amazed at the hormone-cascade, the strength of my body, the confidence of my family, the trust of my husband. I fell utterly empowered. Confident. Deserving.

It is nearly ten pm, and the bleeding is only a trickle. I know the pain will subside, and my body will recover, so will my heart. Thrilled? Satisfied. Pleased. Incredible. I am tucking the girls into bed, after I type, and will drink a glass of wine "to the future."








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## Ellp (Nov 18, 2004)

Oh Kate... What a mixed bag of emotions you've been through.
















s:

(I've been there too, except I opted for a D&C when my "release" didn't happen after 30 days and I was getting anemic.)

The passage of time does do wonders...


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## flowmom (Feb 3, 2004)

Thanks for sharing misseks. I hope that life brings as much peace as possible during this busy time


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## tiffani (May 17, 2002)

aw kate, thanks for sharing that, it was beautiful.








To the future!


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

What a powerful and moving post.

Thank you.


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## mandalin24kd (Dec 31, 2007)

I'm sorry, I have to say, I had a VERY similiar experience and I wish I had your words and your strength when it happened to me!
That was beautiful..........


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

wow Kate. One thing shone through that whole entry: your strength. You're amazing. I am very sorry for your loss.


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## fenix (Apr 22, 2006)

Kate, what a sad and incredible story. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are a strong woman and I love that you are confident in your body and embracing the future. My best to you mama!


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## mirthfulmum (Mar 3, 2003)

So beautiful. Thank you for sharing your amazing process!


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## perl (Jan 17, 2006)

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing that - what an amazing story.










I am going to read it again!


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## immamama (Mar 3, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

Wow, thanks for sharing this amazing journey! You are so strong and wise and I am humbled to read how attuned you are to your body and Life.
Thank you and







for your loss.


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## goodheartedmama (Feb 1, 2007)

Wow, thanks for posting this. You're a strong mama.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Thank you for eloquently sharing your grief. I can relate to so much of it.

Here's to a happier future for all of us.


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## Jacksmum8 (Mar 7, 2006)

Kate- My heart goes out to you but I am amazed at how "present" you were through the process. What a gift. What a journey. Thank-you for sharing. Such a way for us all to connect to each other through our experiences on this big blue marbel. Health and healing light to you


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