# Strict and GD



## pajamajes (Feb 1, 2008)

Does anyone consider themselves strict and GD? Do you think it is possible to be both?


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Yes, I think Dh and I are fairly strict, compared to friends we have that don't necessarily use GD. Not as strict as some, but we do expect certain behavior. I think it's necessary for our family to function with three kids. Dh and I would go crazy if we couldn't expect that certain rules will almost always be followed. And my kids have to come most places and run most errands with me, so think it's important that they know how to behave when we do those.

I also think I'm stricter than I thought I would be when I first started reading about GD (back when dd was 1.5).


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## pink gal (Feb 27, 2008)

I think it is absolutely possible, especially when kids get older. My oldest is going to be twelve in a couple of weeks. We are very strict about things like what TV shows she can watch and how much screen time she gets. We are also very strict about where she goes and with whom.

She complains when she is not allowed to do things her friends are allowed to do i.e. a field trip after the end of school to a huge amusement park with over 50 kids and only 4 adult chaperones.

We empathize and try to be very gentle about our explainations as to why she isn't allowed to do the things we restrict. In the case of the amusement park trip whe DH and I explained that it is not because we don't trust her, but rather that we were concerned about something happening to her it soothed the blow a little.

My strictness is born out of love and I try to always let her know that.


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## Kessed (Nov 28, 2007)

I only have 1 toddler right now - but we're strict. And we plan to stay that way.

But it's done with love and because we believe from the bottom of our hearts that kids with constant rules and boundaries figured out how the world works and how they fit in easier. (And a whole lot of other reasons).

We aren't mean. We don't 'delight' in saying no (like some of our mainstream friends do). We empathize with her. We just don't give in. Not having a cookie right before we eat supper isn't going to hurt her. But it does make her sad. (We always are willing to let her have something healthy to eat at any time - but treats happen a while after an actual meal). And we are OK that once in a while we're going to be responsible for making her sad. It makes us sad too.

ETA: For us it's not about control. We have no plans to run her life or control what she does. For us it's about having a house that pleasant to live in where everyone does their part.

So - unlike the PP, we'd be unlikely to say no to a filed trip - that's not where we're coming from. But we would be likely to say no to her going out to play until her toys are cleaned up. And we would be rather unlikely to cave once it became clear that she wouldn't get them cleaned up in time (that's what my parents did).


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

we're kind of like the PP.


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## ChetMC (Aug 27, 2005)

You can definitely be strict and GD. Strict is about where you set the boundaries. GD is about how you help your child exist within the boundaries.

We are stricter than some parents on certain things, not as strict on others. I also notice us getting more strict with some stuff as our family grows. Stuff that was not a problem when one child was doing it, is a problem, or is more likely to escalate to a problem level, with two or three children.


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## ma_vie_en_rose (Jun 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChetMC* 
You can definitely be strict and GD. Strict is about where you set the boundaries. GD is about how you help your child exist within the boundaries.









:

We are very much like Kessed here. I absolutely think you can have both.


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## kungfu_barbi (Jun 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pajamajes* 
Does anyone consider themselves strict and GD? Do you think it is possible to be both?

what does strict mean?

if by strict, you mean firm, that's cool. firmness can be communicated in respectful, honoring ways.

if by strict, you mean harsh, that's not cool. harshness and gentleness are diametrically opposed.

peace


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

And to add to kungfu barbie (GREAT name, btw!), I'd say there's also strict in the sense of having high standards/expectations.

I'd say I'm actually strict and consensual.

My standards of what's appropriate behavior (esp. in public or at other's homes) are pretty high and I convey that I think we should aspire to that level of behavior, but there's no punishing if we don't, or rules about it or anything.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChetMC* 
You can definitely be strict and GD. Strict is about where you set the boundaries. GD is about how you help your child exist within the boundaries.

you said that great!!

to OP...

for us, creating boundaries and enforcing them actually keeps me "gentle". i'm with my kids *all.of.the.time* and when i feel upset or stressed out, i am very prone to yell or shame my kids. (non-GD obviously). this is my biggest flaw in parenting and i really hate it about myself.

if i don't create a living environment for my family that involves boundaries, i find it difficult to maintain my own sense of balance....and that benefits no one, ykwim?

having said that, my family expectations are not all about keeping me sane (that one is mostly bedtime). i do have boundaries that involve TV shows i find inappropriate, toys we do not allow, music i don't permit, clothes i dislike for little girls, etc. these things may be considered "strict" i'm sure to others here....but my kids are little and i feel i have a duty to filter what they are exposed too.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

I'm absolutely strict and definitely more towards GD than those around me (i have learned here that one man's GD is another punitive).

To me strictness or permissivness is about expectation, GD is about behaviour. I expect A LOT from my DD. I expect good manners (and i expect me to model them), i expect her to listen to me (i expect me to say things worth listening to!), i expect her to obey the house rules (which aren't all in place to benefit me, but to help the house run smoothly and peacefully). But i do not smack or scream or shame to get those things. I talk, i listen, i listen, i listen, i bargain now (she's 27 months and pretty verbal - getting exciting round here







), did i mention i listen? LOL.

I think the perception that GD parents aren't strict comes from a few places. One is those who i have met who say they are GD but really are noD. I once saw a boy of nearly 4 hit a sleeping 5 month old in the head with a wooden toy so hard it broke the skin and then boy's (very vocally GD - i.e. criticises those around her all the time for being cruel) mother said angrily to the baby's (shocked) mother "she must have upset him before!" and then sat down with her child and said to him over and over "Are you ok honey? How did she upset you? Do you need to talk with mommy?". I had to leave. I still see this woman and her kid occasionally and i feel bad for them both, as time goes on she has less friends, he has no friends and doesn't seem to be able to play even alongside other kids, let alone with them. SHe reinforces his unwillingness to share by always, even when he has hit and snatched a child's OWN toy from them (i.e. not in a group setting), telling the other child "oh it's (her son's) turn now, it's nice to share".









The other reason, which is far more prevalent, is that for parents who HAVE smacked/yelled etc. to deal with things, especially those for whom it is their first response rather than last resort, they don't GET what else there is to do. They can't imagine another answer, so they assume there isn't one and our kids are all rude little bullies from not being taught how to behave appropriately.

Whew, just realised that turned into a little rant - i am sore from being lumped in with the above woman as one of the GD set when i feel i couldn't be farther from her in terms of expectations and parenting!


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoBecGo* 
I once saw a boy of nearly 4 hit a sleeping 5 month old in the head with a wooden toy so hard it broke the skin and then boy's (very vocally GD - i.e. criticises those around her all the time for being cruel) mother said angrily to the baby's (shocked) mother "she must have upset him before!" and then sat down with her child and said to him over and over "Are you ok honey? How did she upset you? Do you need to talk with mommy?".

omg!! Please tell me you're kidding! That's crazy.

To answer the OP- I think you can be strict in some sense and still be GD. GD is about respecting our kids, and realizing that their desires and opinions are just as important as anyone else's.

I'm strict about some things- mostly things that have to do with treating others well. I don't allow hitting, pushing, etc. I also don't allow ds to disrespect other people's property. Can't really think of a good example, but I wouldn't allow him to pick a flower that was growing in someone's yard, for example. I have no tolerance for hurting animals, and would not let ds torture bugs.
When I give him "the look" I expect that he obey me asap. This would usually be something like, it's time to go now, or stopping him from making a mess, or squirting someone with water, etc.
Other things I'm totally lenient about. I don't have food rules (but I do have food waste rules), most of the time I don't really care if he cleans up his toys. If he doesn't say please or thank you to someone else I say it for him.

I do think I'm more strict about some of ds's behavior than some of my more mainstream friends (who think the only alternative to spanking is time outs). But that would only be behaviors that would have an effect on other people. Being loud in a room where it's bothering someone, etc, making messes, etc.


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

Yes. We have high standards and a fair amount of rules- but we don't need to spank, shame or yell to enforce them.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

We are strict, in that there are certain things dd is not allowed to do, or is expected to do. There are consequences for when she does not do these things, or does the forbidden things. We do not yell or spank. We do not shame. If we ask her to be quiet in church (she is allowed to whisper) but if she starts making noise we remove her. Yes, she is quite upset. She wants to remain in church. But it is not ok to disturb others. We will not allow that. We give choices. After a few warnings that we will be leaving somewhere soon, we give her the choice of walking to the truck, running to the truck, or being carried. If she does not run or walk, we make the choice and carry her. She does not get to stay somewhere after we say it is time to leave. I consider us gentle but strict.


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## Hannahsmummy (Oct 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kessed* 
I only have 1 toddler right now - but we're strict. And we plan to stay that way.

But it's done with love and because we believe from the bottom of our hearts that kids with constant rules and boundaries figured out how the world works and how they fit in easier. (And a whole lot of other reasons).

We aren't mean. We don't 'delight' in saying no (like some of our mainstream friends do). We empathize with her. We just don't give in. Not having a cookie right before we eat supper isn't going to hurt her. But it does make her sad. (We always are willing to let her have something healthy to eat at any time - but treats happen a while after an actual meal). And we are OK that once in a while we're going to be responsible for making her sad. It makes us sad too.

ETA: For us it's not about control. We have no plans to run her life or control what she does. For us it's about having a house that pleasant to live in where everyone does their part.

So - unlike the PP, we'd be unlikely to say no to a filed trip - that's not where we're coming from. But we would be likely to say no to her going out to play until her toys are cleaned up. And we would be rather unlikely to cave once it became clear that she wouldn't get them cleaned up in time (that's what my parents did).

Ditto, and beautifully written.

We are definitely more strict than most people around us.
In my mind, my job as a parent is to raise a successful and functioning member of society. When I say "successful", I don't mean moneywise. I mean a person who is a good contributing citizen of her immediate neighborhood as well as the wider world.

This means that there are certain rules that we follow, certain ways we treat other people, certain ways that we treat our world and that's not negotiable.
I do not punish, shout (except rare occasions where I have lost it!). hit/spank, time out or humiliate however.


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## eurobin (Aug 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChetMC* 
You can definitely be strict and GD. Strict is about where you set the boundaries. GD is about how you help your child exist within the boundaries.

I'm not strict, but I'll still ditto this. That's a very wise reply.


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## Ks Mama (Aug 22, 2006)

>>Does anyone consider themselves strict and GD? Do you think it is possible to be both?<<

Yeah of course it is.

I think in order to consider someone strict though, we need a definition of strict.

I don't think we're strict parents in general. I've gotten looks on the playground about letting DD go UP the slide, or wearing her coat backwards, etc.

But, in some things we're on the stricter side - i.e. hitting, using hurtful words, throwing things, etc. are not acceptable, and I intervene immediately.

On the otherhand, I don't really find a need to intervene with things that aren't hurting anyone and can be a good experience for my children - either by being fun, or turning out to not be so fun.

Sure its inconvenient to have to change my kids clothes 3 times per day, but why say no to playing in mud just for my convenience? Now, if they are THROWING mud, then yeah, the play stops. But just playing in it, no problem. Want not to wear a jacket/umbrella out in the rain, no problem, we'll see how you feel about that decision once you get to the car & have to sit in your carseat in wet clothes. I think I'd be seen as a bit lax in that area, I guess.

I have friends on either side of the strict scale (some who would NEVER let their kid play in mud, others who TELL their kids to play in mud, haha), whom are also utlizers of gentle discipline. I don't think the two can't go hand in hand.

Being strict is more about the guidelines for behavior you set up, and gentle discipline is more about helping your child figure out how to stay within those guidelines, and what happens when they don't.


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## Kessed (Nov 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChetMC* 
You can definitely be strict and GD. Strict is about where you set the boundaries. GD is about how you help your child exist within the boundaries.

I would argue that strict isn't about 'where' you set the boundaries so much as how you stick to them.

There are plenty of not strict parents who say "no" to everything - and then relent as their kid argues and bargains. That's not being strict - it's being permissive.

I'm pretty strict. But I'm also very tolerant and let my DD do alot of things that other parents would have issues with. But when we decide something - we stick to it.

For example: She always want to drink our pop when we go to a restaurant. We won't let her. We stick to it. But we let her ride her scooter in the house. We also are happy to let her play with her water (in a cup) in her highchair even though it makes a mess.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ks Mama* 
I don't think we're strict parents in general. I've gotten looks on the playground about letting DD go UP the slide, or wearing her coat backwards, etc.

But, in some things we're on the stricter side - i.e. hitting, using hurtful words, throwing things, etc. are not acceptable, and I intervene immediately.

On the otherhand, I don't really find a need to intervene with things that aren't hurting anyone and can be a good experience for my children - either by being fun, or turning out to not be so fun.

Sure its inconvenient to have to change my kids clothes 3 times per day, but why say no to playing in mud just for my convenience? Now, if they are THROWING mud, then yeah, the play stops. But just playing in it, no problem. Want not to wear a jacket/umbrella out in the rain, no problem, we'll see how you feel about that decision once you get to the car & have to sit in your carseat in wet clothes. I think I'd be seen as a bit lax in that area, I guess.

i love this! good point. my dd changes her clothes all.day.long and she almost NEVER matches (ha ha - check out her photo). i also let her wear different shoes ....different socks....i don't care one bit! as a toddler she would wear rediculous princess outfits to blockbuster, and my son wore his halloween costume for months. it doesn't phase me at all. my kids are dirty a lot, but it's from exploring and having fun...i love it!!

i also believe natural consequences can be the best teacher and have saved me from many power struggles (i.e. those shoes won't be comfortable at the park....but she wears them anyway & later realizes mom isn't so dumb -lol).

my being "strict" mostly deals with their behavior & how they treat others and speak to them. i also am strict regarding tv shows, toys, certain clothing (i.e writing on the butt of a 6 year old's pants - um -NO!).

lastly, i do enforce bedtime and regulate junk food intake (my kids flip out with too much sugar, red dye, etc)...those are rules that benefit me - but they end up benefitting everyone in the end. a rested mommy is a kind mommy


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## Ks Mama (Aug 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
i love this! good point. my dd changes her clothes all.day.long and she almost NEVER matches (ha ha - check out her photo). i also let her wear different shoes ....different socks....i don't care one bit! as a toddler she would wear rediculous princess outfits to blockbuster, and my son wore his halloween costume for months. it doesn't phase me at all. my kids are dirty a lot, but it's from exploring and having fun...i love it!!

i also believe natural consequences can be the best teacher and have saved me from many power struggles (i.e. those shoes won't be comfortable at the park....but she wears them anyway & later realizes mom isn't so dumb -lol).

my being "strict" mostly deals with their behavior & how they treat others and speak to them. i also am strict regarding tv shows, toys, certain clothing (i.e writing on the butt of a 6 year old's pants - um -NO!).

lastly, i do enforce bedtime and regulate junk food intake (my kids flip out with too much sugar, red dye, etc)...those are rules that benefit me - but they end up benefitting everyone in the end. a rested mommy is a kind mommy

















:

You & I would get along swimmingly!

We're all vegetarian around here, and my DD at 3 already understands that we don't eat hydrogenated oils, preservatives, or high fructose corn syrup (to name a few things, haha). So yeah, you reminded me that I guess I'm strict about some other things too.

And natural consequences are always the best in my mind, no matter what the "offense". Because as mothers we're not ALWAYS going to be able to be with our kids. And they need to know within themselves the best path to take when we're not there to guide them.


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## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

I am strict about some stuff...basically it all centers around respect: respect for other people and for ourselves.

So while I would probably appear permissive to many parents when it comes to choices my kids make regarding language they use, media they listen to or watch, friends they play with and general daily 'rules', I am strict when it comes to our need to communicate as a family respectfully, to not harm others, rest and eat well to respect ourselves etc. Also, I assert my own boundaries with my kids, such as my need for physical space, peace and quiet, rest etc. and encourage them to assert their own in a respectful intelligent way.


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## ma_vie_en_rose (Jun 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
i love this! good point. my dd changes her clothes all.day.long and she almost NEVER matches (ha ha - check out her photo). i also let her wear different shoes ....different socks....i don't care one bit! as a toddler she would wear rediculous princess outfits to blockbuster, and my son wore his halloween costume for months. it doesn't phase me at all. my kids are dirty a lot, but it's from exploring and having fun...i love it!!

My girls are really into dressing themselves and each other, and they never match. Often times, they are wearing clothes that are totally out of season. Whatever. I couldn't care less what they have on. On the occasions when I do need them to dress a certain way, though, it is no issue at all because I let them choose their clothes otherwise. kwim I figure, don't sweat the small stuff. I have bigger fish to fry, like making sure they treating others respectfully among some other things.


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## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ma_vie_en_rose* 
My girls are really into dressing themselves and each other, and they never match. Often times, they are wearing clothes that are totally out of season. Whatever. I couldn't care less what they have on. On the occasions when I do need them to dress a certain way, though, it is no issue at all because I let them choose their clothes otherwise. kwim I figure, don't sweat the small stuff. I have bigger fish to fry, like making sure they treating others respectfully among some other things.

Ditto.
I would drive myself and my kids CRAZY if I sought to micromanage everything they do.


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## momma4fun (Jan 23, 2007)

for me the strict part -- the boundaries -- are having a place for everything and a time for everything.

this way my kids know what to expect when and how to react with the things/circumstances around them, and can explore their little hearts out within these frames

all three of them are very young -- with two still going strong with their naps everyday. so with life divided like that -- before nap vs after nap, it's easy for me to keep up the boundaries, especially since we're homebodies

i anticipate having to completely change my mindset when we don't have the naps to work around anymore







:


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## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momma4fun* 
i anticipate having to completely change my mindset when we don't have the naps to work around anymore







:









: yeah...those days are long gone around here. I miss them in a way. But also it's nice now to just let the kids choose where and when they want to be doing things. I try to give them that leeway as much as possible. I enjy the flexibility. I do miss the naps though.


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## macca (Jan 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChetMC* 
You can definitely be strict and GD. Strict is about where you set the boundaries. GD is about how you help your child exist within the boundaries.


I'm not strict at all, but a big







:


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## Kelly Jene (Jun 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChetMC* 
You can definitely be strict and GD. Strict is about where you set the boundaries. GD is about how you help your child exist within the boundaries. We are stricter than some parents on certain things, not as strict on others.









:

I gotta totally agree. Some people think we are "too easy" on our kids because we GD, other's think we're strict because of our boundaries. But because our children are very aware of the boundaries and respect them (as we respect our kids) it makes for a very peaceful GD household.







:


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momma4fun* 
i anticipate having to completely change my mindset when we don't have the naps to work around anymore







:

my kids do not take naps at all (except on rare times of them falling asleep in the car or something). however, they do a lot of independent play together. they will go in their rooms and play.play.play - so i still do get mommy breaks mid day. i bet you will too with 3 little ones







instead of having nap time, you can replace it with "down" time mid day...they can read or play while you focus on housework or rest, etc. it's a part of my routine & works well.


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## AutumnMelody (Feb 10, 2006)

I would say that we are both strict and gentle. In certain crowds I come off as a negligent parent for letting my kids explore and be kids. I feel that's appropriate behavior for children and if they get muddy or scrape a knee, well, that's actually an appropriate childhood experience as well. OTOH, I don't believe that spending all day in front of a video game is appropriate. Such things have never come into my house, and to date, it hasn't been an issue. If one of my kids was to ask about something like that. I would simply explain that it's they are not for young children. I couldn't care less if their coats are on backwards. My 6 yo spent almost a year in a puppy costume. Both of my older boys went through phases of wearing dresses in public. They come in daily, caked in dirt from head to toe. They stand up on swings, do tricks on the trampoline, and work with real carpentry tools. That's all apart of being a kid. No one's getting hurt and I can't imagine why anyone would care (though I certainly know people who do).

The other side of things is that I am, by far, the strictest parent in our homeschooling group. I get looks for it a lot of the time (though frankly I couldn't care less). When we go to our homeschooling chorus, there are certain rules that were set by the group for both the safety and enjoyment of everyone there. I am one of the few parents who firmly enforces those rules. At 6 and 8, my boys are old enough to not run or scream for an hour and I completely expect them to do so. An hour is too long to expect a 2 yo to sit still, so I have things to entertain him and sometimes we have to just go to the back of the room and dance around a bit or find some other reasonable outlet. When we all went camping together, we ran into problems because, our children were the only ones with a bedtime, and an early one at that. There would be kids standing outside our tent yelling (their parents fully aware that I was dealing with a miserable and crying 2 yo) while I was trying to put them down. Two of my children wake up at the crack of dawn, whether they have gone to bed late or not and they were getting horribly sleep deprived and miserable, having complete meltdowns. One father used to regularly make fun of me for "over-dressing" my children in winter. While his 4 yo, who was left to bring her own clothing (how exactly a 4 yo is supposed to be able to anticipate the weather, is still a mystery to me) stood shivering and blue lipped. My children do not go out in the cold unless they are dressed appropriately. I couldn't care less if they take that to mean wearing 10 sweaters, a gnome hat, snow boots and a belt with bells. But we live in an area of often times extreme weather and it's important to me that they be protected. Judging from the young children I've seen walking barefoot through the snow, not everyone feels this way. And so on.

My children lead a very free and enriching life. They get to do a lot of things that many children have no hopes of doing. They always have access to love and support, no matter what. But I absolutely expect certain behavior at certain times or under certain circumstances.


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## SkyMomma (Jul 13, 2006)

This is such a helpful thread! I've been reading (& posting on) alot of GD threads right now, trying to figure out where I stand on the GD spectrum...& this is it! Yes, I'm strict, but also GD. I do have high expectations about certain things (picking up, politeness, no TV, healthy food choices, no violence), but am also completely easy about other things that alot of parents aren't comfortable with (like getting really messy, jumping on the furniture, taking all the pillows off the couch to play "trash truck", wearing his hair in ponytails, freedom on the playground, loud drumming, etc.) We just finished taking care of friends' children who are not being raised GD--their family uses time-outs, removal of privlidges, lots of rewards for 'good days', etc. But they're definately less strict then we are, TV whenever the kids want, lots of access to sugar, etc. It was really difficult to try & maintain DS's routine & rules, while respecting the ways that these parents wanted their children to be cared for.


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## ktmama (Jan 21, 2004)

My dh calls my parenting style "Firm, but Loving". I think that says it all. We are both strict, but I'm def more gd than him, mostly because I communicate waaaay more with my kids and he's pretty old school about most things.


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