# Raising a Gender-Neutral Child



## TreasureTrooper (Apr 9, 2015)

Is raising a gender-neutral child a FAD or something? I have TWO friends/acquaintances that have decided to do this. And I don't really understand how it works. It's one thing if it's a hermaphrodite? Seriously... help me understand this!


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## funfunkyfantastic (Feb 9, 2008)

I have never heard of such a thing. It's one thing if the child identifies as another gender, but i've never heard of not choosing one except in cases of hermaphrodites. It could be a fad, who knows? I lean more towards letting them choose the opposite gender if it feels more comfortable to them, but not telling them that they're neither a boy nor a girl. I'd think that would incite teasing and exclusion in school.


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## LittleKind (Feb 25, 2011)

I thought this only meant letting them choose clothes toys hair etc without gender considerations and usually giving a gender neutral name. Also not saying sweet girl, strong boy or whatever but I've not heard of avoiding mentioning to your child whether he's a boy or not


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## Crimson8 (Apr 18, 2015)

Perhaps the parents' perspective could be something along these lines? http://offbeatfamilies.com/2010/07/queer-family

Whether parents are queer or not, I can understand wanting to combat the traditional roles we're all subject to in our society. It's definitely debatable how best to do this but I think all parents come from essentially the same plase of wanting a better/freer future for our kids.


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## pokeyac (Apr 1, 2011)

I don't think the term hermaphrodite is acceptable to use anymore. The term intersex is preferred. Here is a definition.

Intersex, in humans and other animals, is a variation in sex characteristics including chromosomes, gonads, or genitals that do not allow an individual to be distinctly identified as male or female.

I don't think raising a child in a gender-neutral way is a fad and it has nothing to do with the sex or genitals of the child or whether the child is transgender. Sex is what you are assigned at birth based on your genitals. Gender is a social construct, not a biological fact. It has to do with whether you identify as a man or woman. 
Some parents I know who are raising their children in a gender neutral way may be transgender or gender fluid or just prefer not to identify strongly with any gender. They may give their children gender neutral names and dress them in gender neutral clothing. I think it has a lot to do with not imposing society's gender roles on children when they are young before they can make decisions for themselves. It's not assuming that they will neatly fit into a feminine or masculine role and that a girl may be interested in traditionally masculine things/toys/activities/jobs, etc. and vice versa. There are various degrees to which parents may do this. I think it's just another parenting style. Studies have shown that children raised by same-sex parents are more likely to go into careers that are not typical for their sex presumably because they are raised to believe they are not limited to certain careers because of who they are. 
Raising a transgender child is very different from raising a child in a gender neutral way because a transgender child usually strongly identifies with their gender.


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## Dude111 (May 10, 2015)

I heard of a family doing this once.. They were letting thier son decide what he wanted to be........... Kind of interesting! (They say we are BORN A CERTAIN WAY @ BIRTH AND DOING THIS WOULD ALLOW THAT TO NATURALLY COME OUT)


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## sageowl (Nov 16, 2010)

I think there's a small minority of people who do this as a pushback against the current societal trend of heavily gendered marketing to children. The more extreme examples of course of the ones that you hear about.


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## Cheeky-One (Jan 27, 2015)

I am actually sickened by this gender neutral transgendered stuff being pushed on kids. When I had my older children (the 90's) I gave both my boy and my girl dolls, blocks, Legos, etc. I never told them they were not really a boy or not really a girl if they played with the "wrong" toy. 

People who do this gender neutral stuff tell their children, basically, if they play with trucks, they must be a boy. And if they play with dolls, they must be girls. Now we have this whole push back in society where people who do not want their children to be gender-alternative will withhold "girl toys" from boys and "boy toys" from girls. This whole trend has re-introduced sexism at a higher level. Those who are homophobic won't let their children play with the other gender toys (because now, toys have genders again) and those who are particularly trans-friendly will label any child who wants to play with the other "gender toy" as transgendered.

If the baby has a penis, he is a boy. If he has a penis and plays with dolls, he is still a boy. If he has a penis, plays with dolls, does ballet, and puts on a skirt, he is STILL a real boy. So, he can do this. If a child does not have a penis, she is a girl. A girl can play with blocks, legos, trucks, trains, and become an engineer. And she is STILL a girl!

It makes me so angry. My son, who is 11 now, loves ballet and loves babies. He has a lovely, heterosexual, male ballet teacher. He had a homosexual one in the past too. I actually have been told he IS gay. And he NEEDS hormones. Ummm, whether someone is gay or not, or whatever else in gender identity will be largely determined by his hormones. I am not going to inject him with hormones and alter his chemistry. He will become what he is meant to become, naturally, not through injections. At school (he is home schooled now, but back when he was in public school) the boys refused to play with him anymore. They said they liked him, but their parents think he is gay so they were not allowed to play with him anymore. 

I have gay family members and gay friends. I have gay friends who have children. I do not care which my child becomes. But taking ballet or giving attention to his baby brother will not make him gay. People need to stop labeling children and let children be children. When they are old enough to have their own sex hormones-naturally, and want to, on their own, go an alternative direction, let them pick then. But stop trying to label small children or push them in a direction or force them to chose their gender identity when they are 2 yrs old. uughh!


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## mumm (May 23, 2004)

Actually, I think the whole point is to NOT push them in one direction or another. Putting a bow on the bald head of an infant is telling the world that you want all female stereotypes applied to that child. I think the gender neutral parenting style tries to eliminate that and let the child be a child first, without regard to gender. My children all identify with the sex they present (Ugh... I'm sure I'm saying that all wrong and completely un PC, but hopefully you understand what I'm saying. My children with ovaries and vaginas identify as female) but my heart goes out to parents whose children do not.

With Caitlyn Jenner in the news, I wonder if perhaps society has it all wrong. Transgender people are going to extremes to "fix" their bodies- drugs and surgery- huge cost, pain, etc. What if society could change the focus and just let people be people? Would those transgender folks be able to find their place without needing to change their body? Would "transgender" even exist?

Think about this- What is the first question a new mom is asked? A boy or a girl? And then it never stops! What if we eliminated male/female language? If it stopped being on all identifying paperwork, and we were just people? I know that would never happen, but I sometimes (usually on long runs!) like to think about what that world would look like.

(PS- I'm a white, middle class, cis-gendered lesbian. Take everything I say from that point of privilege!)


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## marsupial-mom (Feb 3, 2010)

I mostly agree with what Cheey-one wrote but...



Cheeky-One said:


> If the baby has a penis, he is a boy. If he has a penis and plays with dolls, he is still a boy. If he has a penis, plays with dolls, does ballet, and puts on a skirt, he is STILL a real boy. So, he can do this. If a child does not have a penis, she is a girl. A girl can play with blocks, legos, trucks, trains, and become an engineer. And she is STILL a girl!


Actually, "a girl" generally speaking has a vulva and a vagina and ovaries and a uterus and female hormones and XX chromosomes. She may be female and miss one or two of these things but being female is not merely a lack of a penis, it's a lot more than that.

Also, biologically speaking, whether someone is male, female, or intersex is not based solely on their observable genitals. It also has to do with chromosomes, hormones, and internal sex organs. It's estimated that about 1 in 100 human bodies are biologically differernt from the standard definitions of male or female: http://www.isna.org/faq/frequency


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## elliha (Jul 20, 2014)

It is pretty common to be inspired by this approach in Sweden where I live. I have chosen to limit some things up until my child has begged for it such as ballet skirts and spiderman-shirts. I have avoided the gendered words such boy or girl to label other kids and used child and friend instead which works out well. I have used a limited amount of gendered clothes from the start and our child has a name gendered along its body but mostly I have tried to use all colors and patterns and many different models. Right now my child (3 years old) has just discovered that you can divide people into cathegories based on body parts so boys and girls are talked about quite a lot. I try to afirm the identification that we see and afirm that one knows this best oneself but that most with vulvas are in fact going to identify as girls and women and most with penises are going to identify as boys and men. My child right now really wants to identify with girls and wears a lot of dresses but I know that children who are always offered more than one alternative will evolve in different directions throughout childhood and often keep experimenting with what to wear but that they will have periods where they strongly indentify with one gender and will be very gendered. I know this because it is not a new thing here and many children are now teens who were raised like this. They do seem to be more free and more openminded both about themselves and others so I think it is working.


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## sillysapling (Mar 24, 2013)

I imagine ultimately the confusion comes from a lack of awareness of transgender and gender diverse folk. Some people with a uterus are men. Some people with a penis are women. An increasing number of children are being birthed by men. Some men like dresses, some women like football. Not a big dang deal.

I don't know how anyone can genuinely accept and understand trans people and not get the idea of raising a kid gender neutral. Assigning genders at birth isn't always accurate and can cause intense anguish for the child if you get it wrong. Some parents decide that it's just not worth that risk. It's also an awareness of the problems that gender roles and patriarchy can cause. If you teach girls that they're bad at math and good at housework- that limits them. If you teach boys that they're good at math and bad at childrearing- that also limits them. So instead the goal is to teach them that the sky's the limit. 


I don't think most people refuse to let kids play with gendered toys, they just don't teach that toys ARE gendered. Because they aren't. They're inanimate objects. A skirt is not "male", it's just fabric. 

We don't have the confidence and thick skin to raise our child properly gender neutral, although I think it's the right thing to do. We're building up a decent community so we may be up to it next time. We'll see. We were not in a good place to do it the first time.

It's sad to me that some cis people are so obsessed with enforcing gender that they can't grasp of raising a child while saying "I can't define you, only you can define you, and I'll make sure you know you'll be supported no matter what you are".


Also, INTERSEX people have explicitly said that outing a child as intersex like that is wrong. That is private medical history and brings on judgement and bigotry. If you have an intersex child and choose to raise them gender neutral, you should NOT tell people it's because they're intersex. Their doctors are the only people who need to know that until they're old enough to decide who they want to tell themselves. And you should only decide to raise the child gender neutral if you would also raise a dyadic sex child gender neutral.

You shouldn't treat intersex kids differently like that. It's not okay.


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## MotherMundi (Dec 19, 2015)

I can see your point of view and would agree raising children gender neutral is great but there have to be some pioneers and probably initially doing it fully might not realistically work because of a child's larger environment and grandparents and school friends all bring their attitudes and biases. It could also cause bullying potentially by the more small minded scared people who don't understand what is being done. I think you know best and being partially gender neutral would probably work Ok like letting toys of all kinds be used. You also know how liberal families and institutions around you are and if it would be easy or more challenging to do that so go with your instincts and what you can live with.


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## sillysapling (Mar 24, 2013)

In terms of school- most kids have a sense of gender by the time they start kindergarten. It shouldn't be a concern by then. 

Again, and this is VERY important, the goal is NOT to force a child to be gender less but to give a child full freedom to develop their gender identity and truly express who they are.

Trying to force a child to be gender less is pointless and cruel. (Just like trying to force a child to be a boy or a girl just because of what's in their pants.)

It's not for everyone. For most people it'd be incredibly difficult if not dangerous. Most of the people I've seen do it are in very liberal areas with a ston queet community. Prime candidates. 

We aren't raising our toddler gender neutral for a variety of reasons. Of course, our toddler has two fathers who are regularly read as a lesbian couple and one of whom birthed him. So I'm really not worried about him being overly indoctrinated with gender norms before he can express his own identity.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

All of this is feminism 101. For me, it goes without saying that i dont push certain colors or toys on my kids. I dressed my boys in pink as much as anything else, and my daughter in boy hand me downs. They all have gender neutral names (it wasnt planed that way, but they do). Any dolls the boys got were left unused. My ds1 became interested in things that went round and round, which quickly evolved into a fascination for trains and cars. Despite the ready availability of such toys my daughter just isnt that into it....but, she loves princesses and pink and glitter! I didnt buy that for her, she saw it on a playdate. Now she wont wear her gender neutral hand me downs, but will only wear pink!

My ds2 always liked shiny things and glittery things so he has a few pieces of jewellery. He wasnt as much into cars, but he is definitely equally into light sabers and star wars.

Really, for me its about following their lead. If she likes pink so much, so be it! If i have to sit through the star wars movie because both boys want to see it so much, ok, ill put up with it.

I didnt push it on them. There's no man in the house to worry about their 'masculinity.'

To me, raising someone gender neutral, is just not pushing some random pre defined notion of what a 'true girl' or true boy' should be like. But whatever we do, they will be what they will be. The majority of people identify with the gender of their biological sex, some dont. Thats a different issue.


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## TheProudPath (Mar 30, 2017)

*Coming out is weird, and the gender spectrum is always changing*

Hey there,
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-Nathaniel Gray


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