# when to teach sharing?



## chapulina (Feb 18, 2003)

Around what age is it desirable to teach children the concept of sharing? At what age are they actually capable of sharing or understanding the meaning of it?

How do you handle a 12month old playing in the same area with other children?

One mother (of a 1year old), responds with "no, no, no, you have to share", but I feel wrong about saying that to dd.
Thanks for your feedback!


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## GruppieGirl (Feb 19, 2002)

At a very early age I started using appropriate language to get my dd ready for sharing and playing with other kids.

For example, when she wanted a toy that another child was playing with, I would help her ask the child "may Avery use the toy when you are finished playing with it?"

I don't think that kids should have to "share" all of the time. Sometimes they just want to play with something by themselves. Saying "May I have a turn when you are done?" has worked very well for us.

PS When I taught a preschool class of three year olds, this was a phrase in all of the kid's vocabularies. A big one was; "May I have a turn on the swing when you are finished?"


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## NoHiddenFees (Mar 15, 2002)

DD is only 15 months, so I have no idea what I'm doing is working. I try to model sharing and turn taking for her with both language and action. I share with her, daddy, the cats, dd... whoever we're with. Daddy shares too, but the cats don't.







We don't, of course, share everything. She hears things like, "sorry baby, coffee is for mommies" too.

We practice turn taking with toys and stuffed animals... and I talk about what we're doing. I don't think it's going to have a big effect in the short term (though she loves the turn taking games), but by the time she's old enough to understand, she'll have heard "please," "thank you," "could I please have that for a minute," and "would you like to share some of my xxxx", etc. thousands of times. We don't ask her to take turns with her favourite bear or toy of the day or when she is deeply engaged in any activity. I don't want her to equate sharing with self-sacrifice or interruption.

When she's playing with other kids, I try not to interfere too much because I don't expect her to have internalized the sharing examples by this point. Besides, if she never has anything taken from her, how could she understand how frustrating it can be? I only step in if dd tries to do something that is obviously going to upset another child. However, there are other parents who don't share this philosophy, so I'm always ready to distract or redirect dd before _they_ step in. I do worry about bit about the lack on consistency on my part in doing this, but am not imaginative enought to come up with another solution. If we're at a place where it's not acceptable to just push other kids out of the way (the zoo, the library, the science museum, etc), I'll exert a bit more control (but always talking about why we're waiting, etc.).


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## AnnaReilly (Mar 8, 2003)

I've really wondered about this myself...

DD is 7 months and her friend is 10.5 months... They are both at that age where they are very curious. If you hold up a toy they want to come check it out but that happens when one of them holds a toy as well. They don't understand that if there are two identical blocks they can each have one... they want the other one. Both of us moms are like NoHiddenFees described... we just try to let them play only stepping in when they are getting upset or hurting each other.

The use of "sharing language" is a good idea though... I try to do that as often as I can but since DD is still so young, I'm not sure what's "sticking." But I think kids do learn best from example so hopefully by seeing me and DH and others share and be polite she will pick up on that.


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## GruppieGirl (Feb 19, 2002)

AnnaReilly-
I think you idea of modeling sharing and polite behaviors is the BEST way to start you kids on a positive road!









The are little sponges.


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## Funkeemonkey (Mar 29, 2003)

Sharing is such a difficult and unfair concept. I have seen parents say "share your toy" then snatch it away and give it to another child. I prefer to use modelling taking turns and using language about this. My children will offer to let each other have "a turn" and do some great negotiating using some cool language. Hey, its not always perfect but at least I don't have to snatch anything away from anyone.


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## tessamami (Mar 11, 2002)

that one day DD will learn how to share. Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't. I don't force it but I do encourage it.

What makes it hard is that although 99.9 % of the lovely parents in the park share our view that sharing is a good thing, there are a handful of parents who don't. They seem to me to be very selfish and unhappy and I stay out of their way and keep DD out of their way, too.

DH tells me that one day some kids were hovering around this woman who had some kind of treat for her kids but didn't want to share it. She actually called them "beggars" out loud! Well later on DD had some raisins and gave some to her son. And so she felt obligated then to share in kind. I find this attitude very sad. She knows not how to accept kindness or how to give in kindness.

Most kids at a certain age get it and want to share and play kindly with the other kids. I think most people want to share. (Some do disagree on what or how to share them - germaphobes etc.) I try to gauge if an adult or kid is at the sharing age developmentally or if they are in a mood or something. Like most things, I just "feel" my way.

I do think that sometimes parents mistakenly think that their child is misbehaving when at a very young age they are not ready to play and share cooperatively. I wouldn't expect much before the age of 3. My 2.5 year old will sometimes share toys or "trade" toys but not if it is a favorite and not if it is such an amazing thing that she doesn't want to give it back. There is some crying but at the park there is so much to do that distraction will come to the rescue.

And at the age of 3, 4, 5, older I expect that at times sharing will be hard but that it will get easier over time. I feel confident that most of our kids will learn how to share and also share the world with non-sharers.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I am kinda torn on this. My children have special toys they just don't like to share and I don't see any reasn to make them (although we don't allow them to play withthem in front f other klids if they aren't going to share because that is not fair - my kids are OK with this rule) On the other hand I want them to be share-ers (I know - not a word). So we start witht e basics - "You can't just take that from him. You have to ask nicely and accept no for an answer. when he is done i will get it for you."When they are old enough to understand we say things like "You friend wants to play with that toy. How about you play for a few moreminutes and then we will et joe play with it. You can give it to her or I will" My friend teaches her kids to trade (this is more effective when they want the baby to share with them) something more intresting for what they want.


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## nikirj (Oct 1, 2002)

I personally think that you do not "teach" kids to share in the same kind of way you teach them other things. Sharing isn't a task, it is an attitude, so it is tough to "teach."

My DH and I have tried from when DD was very small to make sure that what is ours is hers and vice versa, so there is very little property claiming around here. I think that this has made all the difference as far as her being willing to share things with others. She will share even her most favorite foods right down to the end; perhaps because DH and I do the same with her?

Of course every now and then DS and DD get into a little spat over something that they simply cannot both do at once. I think I have only a couple of times told DD she had to share. Mostly we just look for a happy solution; DD has become quite adept at finding another toy for her brother, or moving on to something else with playmates. I don't think that the issue is sharing as much as it is compromising; we need to model for our children that we don't mind stepping aside and doing something else for a moment, even if we liked what we were doing before.


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## LunaMom (Aug 8, 2002)

True sharing doesn't come till after age three, usually. I noticed that at around 3.5 or so, dd and her friends began to see the true value of sharing, because at this age they were truly playing WITH each other, not just alongside each other. They needed each other for play, because they were creating play that required the both of them, as in, "You be the fairy and I'll be the princess." So sharing was necessary to make thier play successful.

Anything that comes before this is more about taking turns and being willing to trade and allow others to play with one's toys. Certainly a one-year-old is too young to understand this well, but you can always practice the give-and-take stuff with them so that they begin to understand that they get things back after someone else has a turn.

With slightly older children I found that a few things decreased the struggles over toys. First, put away the special stuff that your child probably won't want to share. Second, use timers for turn-taking. Third, set up stuff that's easy to share for playdates - crayons and paper, playdough, blocks, outdoor stuff like bubbles or sidewalk chalk. Even at age four this stuff works well!


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## stretchmark (Apr 10, 2003)

At what age do we learn to share? Well, I am 23 and still want all my dessert to myself. I think sharing isn't what is learned but rather understanding the feelings of another person. There is no logical reason for sharing some times, especially in a childs mind. I have seen a young girl who was taking everything from other kids and running off with it. She was really trying to figure out what that other person was feeling. I find it interesting in my work with children when a parent handles the situation for their child. These are the tikes when those little beings are learning to negotiate, and basically how to live in the world. Some kids don't care when something is taken from them yet an adult will come along and give them something. What does this teach? A lot of parents don't like to see their kids hurt or hurting others. When something is taken from a child and they are very unhappy, acknowledging what happened is great, "Did he take that toy and you want it?" Also if you notice a pattern like one kid always taking from another, you can shift it by playing tug of war with the toy with the child who always takes it. Jump in when they try to grab it from another and pull a little saying, I want it. I have seen this work because you are a safe place to work these issues out with and they get to just feel what it feels like to really want something. Usually an emotion is behind it and if you can elicit the emotion out, they will usually move on.


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## carolsly (Oct 5, 2004)

I found that kids don't know what share is until they understand ownership, usually not until about 2 ish. Just my .02


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

My son is almost two-and-a-half and he has a fairly good concept of sharing. I started when he was about 1 and used food. I would give him one kind of food (strawberries, for instance) and I would have a different kind of food (let's say a banana). Then I would say "Mommy wants to share some of her banana with you." After giving him some of my banana, I would ask, "Can you share a strawberry with Mommy?" He loves to share his food and toys now. I never made sharing a totally giving up of something like a favorite toy. I think that kids should have things that are theirs and should not see sharing as losing out. All I can say is make it non-threatening and fun!


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## Jaimep (Feb 26, 2004)

I think she shares pretty good. We started modeling behavior and sharing with mommy and daddy at a young age. I will ask her if I can have a bite of her food. She will feed me, she thinks its funny. BUt it is sharing. I have always "ASKED" her for things she doesn't need to have, like if she has my glasses, or something small she might swallow, and 90% of the time she will give me the object in question. I think this does teach sharing or giving things nicely.
Today we were at the doctors office, and a little boy was crying and she was trying to give him her book. So I think they can understand sharing at a young age.
Maybe not the value of sharing, like someone else said, but maybe to be accepting of others having some of their toys/food etc..


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

wow! great ideas about the food!
this issue has just began to surface with our dd (14 months)
i was not always the best about asking before i took something away from her that was a "no"
but i have really made an effort to be more respectful and informative about this
all of the other toddlers we know are agressive 2 year old boys and they have modeled realllllllllllllly bad sharing with her.
sigh
she needs a sweet and mild little person like herself to play with.


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

You guys make a great point about asking for things without always saying "no." We avoid a lot of unecessary conflicts that way. Even if our son has grabbed something he isn't supposed to have, we always ask nicely for it back and tell him thank you when he complies. This has created fun for him and he loves to give stuff to Mommy and Daddy. Some things need a "no," especially if they are dangerous, but it loses its effectiveness if used all the time. Asking nicely and rewarding when they follow through is a great way to teach them not to just "grab" something they want.

Just a side note, we always use "please" and "thank you." This is a great age to get them in these good habits.


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## fiikske (Jun 29, 2004)

I do admit that when dd takes away some toy of some other child, I will tell her that it's not ours, and that she should return it. Unless of course the other child gave it to her (given the young age of the 'other childs' she's surrounded with, this is not very probable).

Anyway, although I have never really thought her, dd does share her stuff, especially her food. And I think she has learned that by simply watching me. Whatever I'm eating, I always offer her a bite. Usually she refuses (she's not fond of eating unknown stuff), and everybody's fine with that. So whenever she gets something to eat, she spontanuously offers it to anybody who is around her.

I try to share with other stuff than food as well. But sometimes, things are really mine, which she understands by now, and then she doesn't bother wanting it. Example: the remote control







I have mine, dh has his, and dd has her own (pssht, don't tell her, but that one doesn't control anything as the appliance in question is broken







).

So anyway, my idea is that kids learn best by seeing their parents actually do it... I mean the sharing









Fiikske


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