# DH issues with co-sleeping



## amhancock (Dec 11, 2006)

I need some advice here. This has been brewing for some time.

Bottom line- I LOVE cosleeping with DD. I work FT and I really believe that CS helps keep our bond strong. I love hearing her breathe and snore. I love feeling her snuggling up to me in the middle of the night. She goes to sleep pretty reasonably with me.

DH was gone for most of her 1st year, due to being away at law school. Literally, he lived apart from us. Now, he is at a school in town and back home. It's been difficult adjusting to one another's schedules and expectations. From the get go, she has slept on, next or close to me. The expensive crib we bought was never used (I think this sticks in his craw too). He refuses to sleep in the same bed with us. I still nurse her a couple times a night, that's it. He HATES that I still BF. I am fine with it. She's not attached to the boob all night. He sleeps in the living room on an air mattress- his choice. I wish he would sleep with us.

We both know the solution is to get another bed- whether is a king for us (I really want one so there's enough room for ALL of us-but don't tell him that) or a bed for DD. I would be fine to sleep in her room with her. But our $$ is such that a new bed (DH won't get a used mattress) is not possible now.

I just feel very strongly about these things- cosleeping and BF'ing. I feel sort of bad that I don't wish to compromise on these things. Honestly, I do ALL the parenting, he doesn't really help at all. I guess I feel like since he's not focusing on her at all, then he really doesn't get a say (I haven't come out and said this yet). He agrees that I am doing a fantastic job with her and she is flourishing. I am proud of myself for having stuck to my guns.

DD may very well be my only child and I am in no rush to force her to grow up. I think western cultures value that, I do not. Other than facing the fact that my DH (and no, D is not for Dear) is a complete [email protected]@-I'm not sure what I want to do. Maybe this is more of a venting post, but I am sure I am not alone out here. Again, I don't want to compromise, but I do acknowledge that our marriage is important too and needs some TLC.

Any thoughts?


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## Frisha (Jan 19, 2007)

I don't have any suggestions but will be watching this thread as we are in a similar position.


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## SanityOptional (Oct 17, 2007)

*







I so know what you are going threw. DS is 6months old and H hates him being in bed with us. How about a toddle bed rail thing that way you can sleep close to your DH and have the little on on the edge with out fear of her falling off. That is what I need to do. Also does your nice expensive crib conform to a toddler bed? If so you can do that and keep her bed next to yours that way she can go from bed to bed. But I would tell your DH if he has that big of a problem with it he can stay on his air mattress in the living room. My H know that I will not compromise my parenting. Since I am the ONLY one who does the parenting I don't care what he wants. But that is just me.*


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

He needs to get a grip. Especially on the breastfeeding. What's his problem with it?

-Angela


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## amhancock (Dec 11, 2006)

Everytime I think about 'his' issues, I want to pull my hair out. He was brought up very conventionally and feels his mother was not very nuturing. Ok..so why does he act as if what I am doing is nutty/cuckoo? I am parenting a whole 360degrees from how he was brought up..you would think it make him happy. Also, he will not educate himself on child development, so why would I listen to him again?

He thinks I'm making her too dependent and that I'm babying her. Heck yes, I'm babying her- She IS a baby!







: As for BF'ing..I have found many men are just squicked out by it. It's the whole boobs=sex thing our society indoctrinates them to believe. Unfortunately, I don't have a man who is willing to see that BF'ing a completely natural thing, oh well. I will do what is best for DD. They are MINE, not his!!!!









Frankly, I've come to the conclusion that he is a very self-centered, petty man and that I am very disappointed in him as a father and husband. I could 'parent' totally "conventionally" in his mind and he would still have issues. Sad to say. If I am honest with myself, this problem is more about him and me probably. I know he sounds like a complete [email protected]@, can believe me he can be, but at his core I know he is a brilliant and caring man. There is a reason I've spent 17 years with the man, right?


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

I also love cosleeping, as does my DH. As a matter of fact if the kids fall asleep elsewhere I leave them but HE will go bring them to our bed. However, if he HAD a problem, that's EXACLTY what it would be - HIS problem, you know where the couch is. He is a big boy & doesn't *need* me like my kids do. If he was so unthoughtful regarding our child's NEEDS, honestly - I can't be bothered with that. Sore topic for me, I strongly feel many men are very selfish in this area & need to grow up.


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## Imogen (Jul 25, 2006)

It's a difficult situation to be in. I have a feeling that your husband is feeling that his 'needs' (I'm not talking specifically about sexual contact) are not being met because of the co-sleeping situation. Obviously, you're concerned about your childs needs being met, and rightly so... but would he be willing to compromise in anyway so that all needs could be met?

Peace


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## jen&james (Oct 27, 2005)

What about taking that expensive crib and putting it side car to your bed. If you take a rail off and then tie the side to your bed so it can't move and cause a gap, she could sleep there or next to you but there is all this room you wouldn't have to feel like she is going to fall and then you will be using the crib which you said bothers him and there would be room for him.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

I think your husband has put you in the position of having to figure out the whole parenting thing on your own, and you're still in that position after working full-time all day, since he has no interest in learning about child development, and it sounds like no interest in becoming an involved dad now that he's moved back in with you guys.

I can understand your feelings after spending 17 years together -- but a relationship pre-kids is just no comparison to raising a child together.

I'm not saying you should disregard his feelings about the breastfeeding or co-sleeping -- but I think you should let him know that as he has no interest in learning more about children and their needs, then he should really just be content to let you keep making the decisions. That you've done your research and are very happy about your parenting style.

And by "not disregarding" his feelings, I just mean listening to what he has to say, then going ahead and doing what you know is right.


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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

I'm honestly very surprised that he has an issue with it!! Just like rmzbm my DP is the one who sneaks DS#2 into the bed if he falls asleep in his own room. My middle child wakes up and calls for his Daddy because he loves to be carried into our room and snuggle up to his father. DD puts her hand on Daddy's face in the night. Neither of us can imagine waking up without them and aren't ready AT ALL for them to grow up and move on. Not saying it's all rainbows but we love it. I couldn't stand a man who begrudged my child my comfort in bed.

I've read where you stated that's it's clearly his issue. Have you talked with him about your feelings, about your need to be a good mother? I would QUICKLY dispell any notions on his part that his whining will result in your compromising the kind of parent you are. However, I would kindly and quietly state that you love him, that you acknowledge you are aware your relationship needs some work and you are willing to work with him but are not willing to relax your standards in this area.

I can only assume you are feeling your respect for him lessen. This IMO is a killer for relationships. You and he need to 'have it all out' and move on to a more positive place where he loves and respects you MORE because of what a good mom you are to his baby.

As far as BF, I honestly don't know any men who are squicked out by it. Women maybe







: but so far no men. I don't get it at all!

He really has some issues he needs to address and fast.


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## onyxravnos (Dec 30, 2006)

I;m glad your not just 'giving in' I know you love your husband but once you had a child she was the most important thing in the world. not him.

do what is right for your child.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

If he's a brilliant and caring man then surely he can understand the scientific superiority of breastfeeding.

-Angela


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
He needs to get a grip. Especially on the breastfeeding. What's his problem with it?

-Angela









:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rmzbm* 
*I also love co sleeping,.*

However, if he HAD a problem, that's EXACLTY what it would be - *HIS problem,* you know where the couch is.

*He is a big boy & doesn't *need* me like my kids do.*

If he was so unthoughtful regarding our child's NEEDS, honestly - I can't be bothered with that.

Sore topic for me, *I strongly feel many men are very selfish in this area & need to grow up.*









: bold part I even more strongly agree with.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jen&james* 
What about taking that expensive crib and putting it side car to your bed. If you take a rail off and then tie the side to your bed so it can't move and cause a gap, she could sleep there or next to you but there is all this room you wouldn't have to feel like she is going to fall and then you will be using the crib which you said bothers him and there would be room for him.

My mom insisted on buying us a crib, so it is side-carred to our bed.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
*I think your husband has put you in the position of having to figure out the whole parenting thing on your own, and you're still in that position after working full-time all day, since he has no interest in learning about child development, and it sounds like no interest in becoming an involved dad now that he's moved back in with you guys.*

I can understand your feelings after spending 17 years together -- but a relationship pre-kids is just no comparison to raising a child together.

I'm not saying you should disregard his feelings about the breastfeeding or co-sleeping -- but I think you should let him know that *as he has no interest in learning more about children and their needs, then he should really just be content to let you keep making the decisions. That you've done your research and are very happy about your parenting style.
*
And by "not disregarding" his feelings, I just mean listening to what he has to say, then going ahead and doing what you know is right.

Totally agree with the above, especially the bold part.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onyxravnos* 
I'm glad your not just 'giving in' I know you love your husband but *once you had a child she was the most important thing in the world. not him.*

*do what is right for your child.*









:


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## lindsayjean (Jun 17, 2006)

Surely you could talk to him about the undeniable benefits of co-sleeping and breastfeeding. My DH is a very logical individual and while he initially had issues with co-sleeping, he now loves us just as much as I do I think. Good luck! This is not an easy one!!


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## mamefati28 (Jun 25, 2007)

Continue the loving parenting and relationship that you and your daughter are sharing. Your husband is making all of these choices on his own. Sounds like he isnt looking beyond himself. You are doing the best thing for both you and DD and if he wants to keep sleeping in the LR, his choice.Your DD will be big in no time, cherish the sweetness now.


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## babygrace (Aug 23, 2006)

why do some people post how ideal their situation is in response to someone who is not in one, mystifies me...how is that supposed to help? okay, end of rant.

OP, is the cohesive picture of your family unit otherwise a satisfactory one? i think there is a serious divide vis-a-vis parenting philosophy.


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## rayner (Apr 3, 2007)

As he is a law student you might try giving him The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff to read. That book inspired me another egg head to totally change my attitude to attachment parenting. While it is written from the heart it also appeals to the intellect. So sensible. It totally transformed our parenting.

I am assuming that you want to include him in if at all possible. If not have a good rant this is the venue.:









I would take the mattreses off any base including the crib mattress and put them on the floor. This would give you both a little more room. And it won't hurt either you or the baby if you fall off the end. Take down the crib structure as it is an unwelcome reminder and store it.

Start going in to him and give him some loving as best you are able. I know you are tired and irritated to hell by his stupid behaviour but as you said, underneath his macho facade is the loving man that attracted you in the first place. Not easy I know. If he had any sense he would adore what you are doing but sense doesn't come into it. It sounds like that perhaps his upbringing was fairly hands off and your closeness with your infant is bringing up his stuff. No excuse I know but remember he has not had the benefits of oxytocin to help or the profound sense of loving joy that suffucies you when you BF.

Living in Hawaii for 12 years showed me what men who are not under pressure to work or perform can be capable off. Very loving, tender and nurturing most of the Hawaiian men were to their children partners. And of course lots of grannies, uncles, aunts and older siblings to take the infants and nurture and play with them, so that gave the parents time and energy to renew their partnerships including lots of loving. Same in Bali. There women, although suffering extreme economic hardship have time and energy to give to their children and each other. I am going back to Bali next week, I can hardly wait.
Happy nurturing. I hope that this painful time will resolve well for you.
Rayner


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## Lissacamille (Oct 25, 2007)

Do NOT give up CS and BF just because your DH doesn't like it! Don't make the same mistake I did. My DH insisted that we put DD in her own bed at only four months old. Well....she cried and cried for the next eight months, until I finally insisted that she sleep with us. Now he is full of regret (18 years later) that he did that. Don't give up part of your daughter's well-being for a man's whims...it isn't worth it. And my DH would tell you the same!


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## amhancock (Dec 11, 2006)

I almost started crying with relief when I read the responses. This is what I truly need- a place where I am understood and valued.

I tried to start a conversation with him last night, but it did not go well. He started acting like a child, calling my views insane. I told him calmly that he/we need counseling. Unfortunately, $$ is very tight, but I think we have to find a way to have an objective 3rd party. I am tired of being the only adult in this relationship and I will not do anything that will be in detriment to my DD. Bottom line. I love him, but my DD comes first. I am willing to make our marriage work, but we have to be able to communicate respectfully first.

I have a lot to think about and I truly do appreciate your responses. It gives me a wide variety of strategies.


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## Jenlaana (Oct 28, 2005)

what amazes me, honestly, is that this thread has gone 20 posts without a single person asking WHY your DH doesnt like cosleeping. There are a lot of things that need to be accounted for in order for cosleeping to work well for every one. How can a relationship of any kind work if you use the "sucks to be you" advice that is given here?

I'm not saying that you should "give in" but instead that it shouldnt be about who wins at all. Take the two issues seperately. Why doesn't he like cosleeping? Is there a deeper issue w/ the two of you that he isnt saying? Have you lost your connection to eachother between the baby coming and him being away so long? Sleeping together is a way that partners reconnect sexually as well as just by physical closeness. Cosleeping requires that you find other ways to maintain that closeness.

Looking from your husband's perspective, it must feel like he left to improve the family and came back to something completely foreign which he is on the outside of. I'm not saying that his actions are right, but that there could very well be an emotional aspect to it that he's not letting you see. I dont know about your DH, but mine (and my ex from when I was younger for that matter) have turned into miserable babies when they get their feelings hurt because they dont understand, a lot of times, how to process those emotions. Women are encouraged to explore their feelings while men are historically speaking, not. That you have loved and stayed with this man for 17 years really says that there is something strong there worth fighting FOR, instead of fighting against.

I hope that I have not overstepped in my suggestions. I really feel for you going through this. It must have been so tough to have to adjust to parenthood alone, and then to have a system in place and have your husband come back and shake things up so much. I hope that you can sort it out in a way that works for you and gives you peace.


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## Shazer (Oct 6, 2006)

DH and I are trying to work through this same thing. Everything I've tried hasn't worked. DD is just not ready to be in her own bed and this means DH won't sleep in the family bed with us. I find that the only way I can reach DH is to go out of the way to be kind and nice to him in other ways. He works 80 hour weeks and I'm doing 99% of the parenting - it makes for a tough situation any way you look at it. I just keep trying to be a supportive spouse. But it is very hard.


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## calidarling (Jul 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rmzbm* 
I also love cosleeping, as does my DH. As a matter of fact if the kids fall asleep elsewhere I leave them but HE will go bring them to our bed. However, if he HAD a problem, that's EXACLTY what it would be - HIS problem, you know where the couch is. He is a big boy & doesn't *need* me like my kids do. If he was so unthoughtful regarding our child's NEEDS, honestly - I can't be bothered with that. Sore topic for me, I strongly feel many men are very selfish in this area & need to grow up.









: My dh is the same way with ds. Your dh is the adult and he needs to act like it.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jenlaana* 
what amazes me, honestly, is that this thread has gone 20 posts without a single person asking WHY your DH doesnt like cosleeping.

Well, the OP has shared that her husband's offended by her breastfeeding -- and also that she thinks it "sticks in his craw" that they're not using the expensive crib they bought.

Quote:

There are a lot of things that need to be accounted for in order for cosleeping to work well for every one.
True, but when the OP tried to discuss this with her dh the other night, he said her views were "insane." It takes two willing partners to explore feelings and have an empathetic relationship.

Quote:

That you have loved and stayed with this man for 17 years really says that there is something strong there worth fighting FOR, instead of fighting against.
How is the OP fighting "against" her marriage? It sounds like she is doing everything she can to understand and accommodate the needs of her spouse -- everything short of kicking her precious baby out of the bed, weaning her, and saying "Daddy's needs trump yours."

She recognizes their need for an objective 3rd party -- but of course she can't force her dh to participate in counseling if he's unwilling. I agree that marriage is worth fighting for, as long as the baby isn't made into a war casualty.

Quote:

I hope that you can sort it out in a way that works for you and gives you peace.
I totally agree with that!

Oh, but I totally disagree with your statement that we've all been giving "sucks to be you advice."


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## mamahart (Sep 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *attachedmamaof3* 
I'm honestly very surprised that he has an issue with it!! Just like rmzbm my DP is the one who sneaks DS#2 into the bed if he falls asleep in his own room. My middle child wakes up and calls for his Daddy because he loves to be carried into our room and snuggle up to his father. DD puts her hand on Daddy's face in the night. Neither of us can imagine waking up without them and aren't ready AT ALL for them to grow up and move on. Not saying it's all rainbows but we love it. I couldn't stand a man who begrudged my child my comfort in bed.

I've read where you stated that's it's clearly his issue. Have you talked with him about your feelings, about your need to be a good mother? I would QUICKLY dispell any notions on his part that his whining will result in your compromising the kind of parent you are. However, I would kindly and quietly state that you love him, that you acknowledge you are aware your relationship needs some work and you are willing to work with him but are not willing to relax your standards in this area.

I can only assume you are feeling your respect for him lessen. This IMO is a killer for relationships. You and he need to 'have it all out' and move on to a more positive place where he loves and respects you MORE because of what a good mom you are to his baby.

As far as BF, I honestly don't know any men who are squicked out by it. Women maybe







: but so far no men. I don't get it at all!

He really has some issues he needs to address and fast.









:

And you have one shot with this kid. If you cave in to his inflexibility you will sorely regret it. My DH cannot understand why I choose to do all the crazy parenting things that I do but he trusts me so much and sees the happy and healthy and secure and smart children.....My DH and I bring 2 sets of family "values" to the family we have and mine are very forgiving and lax and sleep with us till your 15, eat organic food, the list goes on.
I guess when he quit eating spaghettios at the beginning of our relationship it boded well for the moments when I asked him to never spank and let the kids sleep with us etc. etc. etc.
I wish you well, take care of that baby!!


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