# unfortunately joining the club



## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

hi all, sorry to be joining you. I'm a 34 yo SAHM of a beautiful 3.5 yo girl who is the best thing in the world to me. I was pregnant with baby #2, due April 4. at 19 1/2 weeks, I went into premature labor, my water broke as soon as i got to the hospital at 2:30 a.m., and my baby had a heartbeat until he was born. it was the most horrible experience I have ever had, and i miss him horribly. I've been finding some closure after holding him, after making the decision to cremate him and put his remains under a tree in the spring....but still I walk around from this week-long experience feeling a huge part of my heart has been ripped out of my chest and like I'll never be whole again. I want to have another baby so badly, and we were supposed to have the 20 week ultrasound on the afternoon of the day I miscarried. After he was born, I had to have a d&c and i'm finding myself very tired and weak. I didn't sleep for four days (more than maybe 3 hours total) and my doc prescribed Ambien for about 2 weeks, which is the only thing that is keeping me functioning and able to rest at any rate. I am trying my best to pull it together for my daughter and my family. I do have periods where I let myself grieve, usually when my dh can take our dd outside, or to the store, or whatever to give me a bit of breathing room seeing as she is about as active a child as you can imagine. never naps, doesn't much rest. she has a basic understanding of what is going on, and knows she can ask questions if she needs to but it's hard. I see her face and I know he would have looked so much like her. His eyes were still fused shut, but he had definite features, and was not quite a pound in weight. They haven't determined what (if anything) was the cause of the miscarriage, and once I accepted the fact that no matter what i thought or felt about how unfair it was and how much it devastated me, I could not change the fact of what had happened. I miss him so deeply in a way I never imagined possible. My milk came in and i stood in the shower and bawled, knowing it would never nourish my child. In addition to the loss and grieving, there is this wonderful hormonal rollercoaster I'm dealing with. My family and friends have been so very supportive and very loving, adn I have found that many women I know have gone thru miscarriages, most by 7 weeks, but one at about 39. It's been surprising to find so many women i hold in such high regard have suffered tragedies such as this, and i guess misery loves company. But, I do still feel very alone in my misery, since it's such a personal thing, I am the only mother this baby ever had.

I am trying my hardest to find positivity in this. I have decided to focus on making sure I am healthy and providing a good and welcoming space for the next baby to live in, because even though I know it's not my fault, I never was once able to shake a cold or get or feel healthy throughout the pregnancy with my son. I lost 11 lbs. the first trimester, and was never able to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Three days after my loss I was in my skinny jeans again, which isn't right. I had gained over 50 lbs. with my dd, and this time I never had health or a glow or anything,a nd I spotted from 6-13 weeks due to subchorionic hematoma. I had just turned a corner and was feeling better at the time of my loss. I am hoping once I have recovered from the d&c that my doctor will clear me and I can try to make 2008 a positive year with a fresh start, get back into yoga and meditation instead of taebo and kickboxing. I feel like I need to make my body a quiet place in mind, soul and spirit and that it hasn't been for quite a time, and really needs to be. anyways, thanks for reading this if you have gotten this far, I know it's rambling, but I am trying my best to work through the grief, loss and hormones. I hope you all are able to find light and happiness through your losses and sadness.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)




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## chrissy (Jun 5, 2002)

i am so very very sorry for your tremendous loss.


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss.

I could really relate to the part about being alone with your grief. I was the only one who had any kind of tangible relationship with my baby.

I think finding times to grieve is so important--good for you for creating those times and yay that your dh is supporting you. Mine did too and I think that helped me keep my sanity and keep from getting depressed.

With all my good wishes.


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I also lost a baby at 19 weeks. To say that the loss redefined my definition of "worst thing that has ever happened to me" is an understatement.
It can be horribly lonely to grieve for a baby who no one else ever knew. I found it helped to see a counselor who specialized in perinatal loss, and I joined a support group about 4 weeks after my baby died. My counselor helps me by letting me know that everything I feel is normal, and part of the grieving process. The support group was hard to go to, but it was so validating to see that I was not alone in my feelings of tremendous love and longing for my baby.
I hope you have a good support system of friends and family who will help you on your dark days, and enjoy the good days, when they start to come back, with you.








Peace, and love, and healing to you. I know how hard this is, but it does become easier after a while.


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

thank you all, so much. you're right, the "worst thing" to ever happen definitely becomes very relative once you've been there. I am so sorry to hear of your losses, ladies. thanks so much for the warmth and support. every bit at this time helps. I am blessed with great people in my life, and you guys are among them, even if you're "friends in the box."

Each day brings new challenges, and it is a constant struggle. I find he's the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing before bed, just like he was when he was inside me, as I used to spend those quiet times with my hands on my belly and thinking to him words of comfort and love and positivity. Now i find myself saying similar words in my mind, but to myself. It's rather haunting, but part of finding peace within myself. Thank you all for understanding.


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *apmama2myboo* 
I find he's the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing before bed, just like he was when he was inside me, as I used to spend those quiet times with my hands on my belly and thinking to him words of comfort and love and positivity. Now i find myself saying similar words in my mind, but to myself. It's rather haunting, but part of finding peace within myself. Thank you all for understanding.

I often think of this quote by Edna St. Vincent Millay: "Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."


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## A Mothers Love (Nov 1, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss and pain.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

It's hard to know how to talk to others about it, and for them to talk with you - unless they've been through this sort of thing. I think that is why I have found this group to be invaluable to me (and my sanity).

Take care of yourself as best you can.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry you lost your little boy.







I think it is wonderful that you have decided to concentrate on making your body healthy for the next little one. What is your little boy's name? Experiences like this are defining moments in our lives; they change us.


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## momof2monkeys (Nov 7, 2004)

I am so sad and sorry for your loss. I hate that anyone has to be a member of this club, it makes my heart ache that babies are lost everyday.

I lost my son at 19 weeks almost a month ago, although he died at about 16 weeks. I could have written your post, the emotions you are feeling sound so familiar, the crying in the shower, the desperation and emptiness.

I know you feel like you will never get over this, that all you will ever feel is gut-wrenching pain, but it does lessen, and change into a different pain. Your daughters laughter and smiles will help, they will heal you like no doctor can.

I think it is wonderful that you are focusing on yoga and meditation, to strengthen your body AND mind for the next pregnancy. I too am more interested in Pilates and Yoga now, as opposed to stepping and frantic spinning classes, I just can't get into it anymore. It just feels so angry, and I want to get into a more peaceful place.

There are a ton of wonderful supporive woman here, who have all been where you are. Take comfort in them, they will help give you strength.

Peace mama.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## LilG (Apr 5, 2007)

Sorry for your loss!!!!


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

I am so sorry mama


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## northwoods1995 (Nov 17, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

thank you all again, so much. you all understand (quite unfortunately) like nobody else can. the Edna St. Vincent Millay quote is dead on.

His name is Michael. we didn't give him a middle name because none fit. ironically, my dh never wanted to discuss boy names as he was convinced it was a girl, so i had a short list of boy's names but we didn't want to use any of them. We believe he's kind of an angel, which Michael was the most incredible angel I think, so it fit him well.

It is getting easier i guess, but different more than easier. The ways I find myself adapting are different. I don't know what i'd do without my 3.5 yo dd, she's always finding ways to make me laugh. I hope you all are finding ways to handle grief and deal with the lonliness, it's just a much different kind of pain than I have ever felt when losing someone, and I have lost a lot of people. nothing can prepare you for it, and it was my worst fear realized.

at any rate, family, friends, and warm strangers like you guys are invaluable. thanks again for understanding.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Just wanted to offer you a


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## ChesapeakeBorn (Jun 23, 2007)

My heart breaks for you. Wishing you peace, comfort, and hope.







We are thinking of you.


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

you guys are the best. thanks so much


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## EricaE (Aug 1, 2003)

I am so sorry







:


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## countrybound (Jun 28, 2007)

I'm very sorry for your loss. I recognized your name from the April DDC that I had belonged too, but I MC at 9 weeks. I just wanted to offer you a







.


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *countrybound* 
I'm very sorry for your loss. I recognized your name from the April DDC that I had belonged too, but I MC at 9 weeks. I just wanted to offer you a







.

Thank you, countrybound. I have seen a few names in here from the April club. As much as I wish well those in that club and I hope they have healthy babies and term babies, I can't even go back and look in there because it's too painful yet. How have you been?


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