# Need an Alternative to Slapping Hands



## earthie_mama (Mar 27, 2006)

Hello, I need an alternative to slapping my son's hand when he gets into things he is not supposed to be. My husband suggesterd it b/c his mom did it with him, but I don't feel that it is how I want to teach my son. Also, it doesn't even seem to be working. What has worked for all you mommas out there? My son is 10 months old.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

what is he getting in to?

you know by modeling slapping/hitting you're teaching him hitting is okay.

10 months old is a _baby_. my advice would be baby-proof. there should be nothing he can get into that he's not supposed to. he's not exactly dragging the kitchen chairs over to china cabinet and climbing up is he
 






?

take the stuff off the shelves you don't want him to touch. there's nothing on the bottom shelves in our living room that our kids can't play with. we put their toys/craft stuff there instead. we have outlet covers. if one of my kids picks up a crayon and starts to draw where she's not supposed to i just REDIRECT and tell her, "E, we don't draw on the table. we draw on paper," and i give her paper to draw on.

the tools you need in your toolbox right now are not hitting (never hitting), but BABYPROOFING and REDIRECTING. i agree with you that slapping hands is not a kind or effective way to teach. read around here in GD and you'll get lots of good ideas, too.

hope that helps and trust those nurturing instincts, mama!


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## turtlemama77 (Jul 29, 2005)

At ten months old, I don't think your babe is even understanding the connection between a slapped hand and not doing something. I agree with the pp...babyproof so your ds's environment is baby friendly. If he's anything like my dd at that age, he'll help you with that by showing you what he can still get to.







At this age, it's your baby's job to explore and learn from his/her environment, and it's your job to keep him safe.

Maybe you could share some more specific examples of what he's getting into and we can be of more help?


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## earthie_mama (Mar 27, 2006)

What doesn't he get into? LOL He gets into all sorts of things, our books, magic cards, cat dish, the kitchen drawers and cabinets, nothing that is dangerous for him, so I don't choose to put a lock on those things, I'd rather teach him that some things are okay to touch and some things are not. I mean, we go many places that are not babyproofed, and I think he is plenty smart to remeber from day to day which things are okay to touch, and which are not. If my cat can remember things from day to day, I'm sure my human child can. lol

I don't want to teach him anger, and it's hard because me and myDH can't agree. I told him I was looking for other alternatives, and hopefully he will come to agree with me.

So, now any suggestions?


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## nichole (Feb 9, 2004)

okay i get what you are saying

if you baby proof a bit more, it will make your life a bit easier. A LOT easier. and there will be plenty of things to teach your kid they can and cannot touch along the way. just minimize it a bit so your kid has a safe environment at home. slapping hands will probably work for a few hours after you do it, but from what i read they aren't going to remember two days later not to go touch the light socket.

if you remove the baby from the situation and tell them no, you are still teaching them not to touch that object. i think distraction is key at this age. give them something to play with instead. i didn't say no a lot. i mean i did for things that scared me like touching a light socket even with those little protectors on. but i would say "not for jason" or "dirty" or "hurt baby" and give him something else that he CAN have.

my husband was the same way. i showed him where the american academy of pediactrics doesn't recommend hand slapping anymore. i showed him in The Discipline Book by Dr Sears the study that hand slapping just made kids less likely to explore and learn overall.

sorry just wanted to add one more thing: i totally get not wanting your kid to get into everything. i was much happier when i realized it is ok to teach them not to tear up the house. be consistent and eventually they will get it without the hand slapping. stand your ground on this. i find that parents who are ok slapping hands are ok with spanking. then when spanking doesn't work...watcha gonna do...go for that wooden spoon? not saying you will do that, but it is a road i don't want to go down...kwim?


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## l_olive (Jan 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthie_mama*
So, now any suggestions?

I'll reiterate the suggestions to babyproof and redirect.

Your child (especially at 10 months) doesn't need a million things that he CAN'T do every day -- he needs a million things that he CAN! Doing stuff is how he learns more than your cat. Not by being forced not to.

In my opinion, you just set yourselves up for never-ending, always-escalating power struggles that you could very easily avoid. There's plenty of time to teach him what he can't get into when he's old enough to understand the REASONS.

--Olive


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## earthie_mama (Mar 27, 2006)

Yes, I am babyproofed in that he is contained in a safe place, and I have no chemicals in the house, and anything I'd consider dangerous is out of reach.

We also try to minimize the "NO" word. And we found that sometimes all we have to do is say his name, and he redirects himself to something he knows is appropriate. I will try to do more redirecting, I think that's sounds like a good idea.

I reallyhope I can get my husband to join me on this. He wouldn't give a crap what the AAP says, so unfortunately







that wont work for me! LOL
Wow- I bet that Dr. Sears book would be helpful. That totally makes sense! WOW, I'm going to go tell him right now! LOL


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthie_mama*
We also try to minimize the "NO" word.


The word no is a heck of a lot better than hand slapping.

"No" and moving a child away each and every time really does help.

But hand slapping is NOT going to work any better than the word "no" so I am not sure why that is even an option.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthie_mama*
If my cat can remember things from day to day, I'm sure my human child can. lol

I don't want to teach him anger, and it's hard because me and myDH can't agree. I told him I was looking for other alternatives, and hopefully he will come to agree with me.

So, now any suggestions?

i don't think impulse control is developmentally appropriate for a 10 month old. i think you're overestimating the ability of a baby.

as far as teaching anger, well you don't need to do that. i'm sure he's already familiar with that emotion. we're born knowing that. what we all need to work on as parents is modeling appropriate ways of dealing with anger. tell dh if you want to have a child that thinks hitting is okay he's on the right track with the slapping.

put the cat food up if you can. i have dogs so i know what pet food and water and kids is about. since you have a cat you have a little more leeway. maybe you could give the cat a little end table or shelf somewhere that can be her dining room. dogs aren't really table jumper or at least aren't supposed to be







! put the magic cards away. put your books up higher. saying his name is just teaching him to associate negativity with his name. please redirect him. tell him cat food is for kitties and give him some cheerios to play with instead. give him his own little bowl of water to experiment with in a safe place.

check out the sticky for some good books.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

earthiemama, I grew up with "handslappers". My mom told me to do it with my kids, and I listened with my first, but after listening to my instincts found some other ways.

I understand what you mean on not wanting to completely overhaul your home. We do that too. Granted, it is easier to move everything up.







Some things we do leave. For example, the garbage. We have our open garbage in our kitchen, when our kids would go near it, we would say, "ooh, yucky" and scrunch up our faces then redirect them to something else. Or the stove was "OH! Hot! Owie!" with overdramatic facial jestures as well.

Redirecting works very well. And lowering your expectations too. Like Beanma said, 10 months isnt ready yet for impulse control. Understanding that helped my state of mind alot too.

Good Luck!


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## earthie_mama (Mar 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maya44*
The word no is a heck of a lot better than hand slapping.

"No" and moving a child away each and every time really does help.

But hand slapping is NOT going to work any better than the word "no" so I am not sure why that is even an option.

Yeah, I don't see how you could think I was saying that a slap on the hand was better than saying no. I was saying I'm trying to eliminate BOTH behaviors in myparenting. Sorry for that misunderstanding.


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## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)

I say "please stop" or "oh let's not touch that" or something to that effect. I would never hit my child to try to teach them anything. 10 months is just a tiny baby still. Redirection. Over and over. He will eventually get it.


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## earthie_mama (Mar 27, 2006)

Well, I've been just telling my husband "Oh guess what I found out...and I'm going to do.......when Sabien......." And he's totally agreeing with it all, he says it makes sense, esp the part about it making children less likely to explore. We really have no other place to put our stuff right now, and there is way more stuff he can play with than there is stuff he can't. He is just fascinated by the stuff he's not supposed to play with. But we decided to put a few latches up, such as on the cupboard to the more expensiee Magic cards, because we lethim play with the big box of commons, and so wedecided that was rather confusing!

I also wanted to add that when I first got pregnant I had alreadydecided not to spank, slap, hit, ir touch my child in anyother negative way. My husband's mom somehow convinced me to do it, because my husband was the perfect child, so I thought maybe it'd be okay after all. I just hate it when I let people talk me into things!!! I feel so weak and stupid!

MDC is great, and so much cheaper than therapy


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthie_mama*

MDC is great, and so much cheaper than therapy











i am so glad you have found another solution! and good for you for realizing that hitting isn't the answer!


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

Quote:

making children *less likely to explore*. he is *contained* in a safe place
Are you raising a human being or a future prisoner?

I think you need to rethink what it is you really want for your child.

With two adults and one 10 month old baby, you really should not be having these struggles.

This is the optimum time for your child to be exploring his environment. It is important for development of his brain and body.

The Magical Child by Chilton Pearce is a good book to read about the importance of exploration and understanding one's world.

I second the babyproofing and redirection. He needs more to explore, not less.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

I disagree: 10 months is old enough to START learning impulse control. It just won't be very good at first!

We also have gone with the "not entirely babyproofed" approach because we want him to be able to cope with visiting places that aren't babyproofed (which happens a lot) and, well, we just have a lot of clutter! What we do is to move the things that either (a) he could damage quickly and we'd be really upset if he did or (b) he's consistently finding hard to resist. For example, our CDs were in both categories: the cases break easily when dropped onto a hardwood floor, broken cases are very annoying, and he was taking every opportunity to go over to the CD shelf and take each one and glance at it for two seconds and then whang it to the floor. So, we moved the CDs to a higher shelf and moved the books that had been on that shelf to the lower shelf. We have a few CDs in another room, on a shelf that's just above the arm of the couch. EnviroBaby recently learned to climb onto the couch and now wants to grab those CDs, but he's more controlled than a few months ago: He holds each one longer, then sets it gently on the couch instead of throwing it, and when we say, "Leave the CDs alone!" he puts the one he's holding back into the shelf and smiles and claps.







We say, "That's right!" But he can resist for only about two minutes before he's at it again, so we redirect him, and we're going to move those CDs soon.

With things that we don't move out of reach, we demonstrate responsible handling and lower our standards of neatness. For example, the books: We model how to hold books and turn pages, and he imitates that when examining a specific book. However, he does like to put them all on the floor as with the CDs. We say, "One book at a time!" and try to interest him in one that's already out. We encourage him to help put them back on the shelf; that sometimes works! Mostly we accept that this taking-them-all-out is something he really enjoys and that he's not doing much damage. We have given up keeping the books on the lower shelves in any particular order and try to re-shelve them such that they fit tightly and are harder to pull out. We've also removed the dust jackets from books that have them because they're so easy to tear or crumple. It's rare for EnviroBaby to tear a book (other than dust jacket) but when he does, we make it very clear that it's unacceptable: "NO! We do NOT tear books! Oh, my poor book, all torn! No, I can't hold you now; I am busy fixing the book. See, I have to tape the page back together."

Another thing that helps is to put some of HIS books and toys on the edges of shelves in front of our stuff so that when he starts to go for our stuff he gets interested in his instead. This also means that toys are handy from almost anyplace in the house we might be, enabling us to grab something to redirect him to.


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## earthie_mama (Mar 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaInTheBoonies*
Are you raising a human being or a future prisoner?

Wow, its pathetic when people give such negative discouraging, judgemental responses. What I meant was that I am not going to babyproof everything, because he is in a safe environment CONTAINED in the 4 walls of our home, and protected from stairs, knives, matches etc. Please be more considerate to people in the future. Talk about trying to bring someone down.


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## turtlemama77 (Jul 29, 2005)

Around that age, dh and I said, "That's not for baby" all the time, usually coupled with giving dd something she could play with. I can see not wanting to completely give up your home by putting every little thing up or away, but really, it's only for a short time in the grand scheme of things. dd was fascinated by "real stuff" and still is, so we make it a point to give her chances to play with as much real stuff as possible. Right now, by expecting your 10 month old to remember what he can and can't touch...I think you might be frustrating yourself unnecessarily.

I always like to try to think about the big picture (which is hard to do in the heat of the moment). What am I trying to teach dd? Is the discipline I'm using going to help me reach that goal?


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthie_mama*
Talk about trying to bring someone down.

I was not trying to "bring you down", I was just trying to get you to think, use your brain.
Obviously, you didn't have time or didn't really want to write out every little detail, so i was just going off of what you did write.
My apologies.


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## earthie_mama (Mar 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca*
I disagree: 10 months is old enough to START learning impulse control.

Thank You! I do too, and I don't think I expect too much from him. He knows what things he is not supposed to touch, and he looks at me as he touches it, because he is expecting me to show him the boundaries. I am so regretful that I have showed him in a negative way, but I know it caused no permanent harm and we can easily change our behaviors. Thank You to all the supportive, encouraging mothers for helping us with all this.


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *turtlemama77*

I always like to try to think about the big picture (which is hard to do in the heat of the moment). What am I trying to teach dd? Is the discipline I'm using going to help me reach that goal?









: I do think it is hard to remember the big picture when in the moment. Also, for a lot of parents, they haven't even thought about what they want the Big picture to look like. They forget or are not taught that these babies will someday be adults, and they don't actively think about what kind of adult they are wanting to give the world.


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## emma_goldman (May 18, 2005)

[QUOTE/] when we say, "Leave the CDs alone!" he puts the one he's holding back into the shelf and smiles and claps.







We say, "That's right!" But he can resist for only about two minutes before he's at it again, so we redirect him, and we're going to move those CDs soon.[/QUOTE]

I've noticed that WHEN HE'S TIRED, my baby tries to do things that I've tried to exercise control over or expressed an opinion over, i.e. eat shoes ("YUCK!"). Very interesting and worth noticing. He's usually trying to get me to pay attention to him and his needs and wants a gear shift... Otherwise, he doesn't do those things as much.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Hey Earthie Mama,

My son's just one week older than yours, so I know exactly where you're at! I think you're right on that it's a combination of redirecting and telling no. Or sometimes both. I really, really try to minimize no with him, more than I did w/my dd, though, because he hears it so often from her.









Anyway, drama's a good idea. One recurring issue we have is the dog food and water. I put it up on the counter when he's on the floor, and then put it back down for the dog whenever the babe's "contained" (asleep, in his high chair, in the sling, etc.) But I inevitably forget, at least once a day, and he toddles over to it. Well, I've remembered enough times and then I holler, "Dog waaaatttttaaaaa!" in this silly voice every time and race over and pick it up. He thinks it's so funny that he now sits down by it and "calls" me instead of getting into it.

One other thing I do instead of slapping is kissing his hands. I do this when he tries to pull hair, slap or get glasses. I get his wrist and give his palms some little kisses and razberries. He loves it.

That's great your dh is getting on board! I agree, it's so tempting when you hear of people with "perfect" children, but I always wonder what sacrifices have to be made in order get your child that way.


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## earthie_mama (Mar 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaInTheBoonies*
I was not trying to "bring you down", I was just trying to get you to think, use your brain.
Obviously, you didn't have time or didn't really want to write out every little detail, so i was just going off of what you did write.
My apologies.









Oops, I get a little defensive sometimes, especially when I am misunderstood (which happens very frequently)

This whole being a mom thing kind was a big surprise also. I was a homeless drug addict when I got pregnant (we both were). I was so overjoyed that I quit everything unnatural and addictive and moved to a new town where we could afford to live, and left all of our old friends, becuase they no longer would fit into our new life. I knew my husband for 2 months when I got pregnant, and for all we knew it was a summer fling. Everyone told me I could never do it. I getreally pissed when people are critical of me. We just bought a house in November, and have really quickly changed our whole lives. I have no support system, other than MDC, so I do appreciate everyone's help. Helping us prove them wrong!!


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca*
I disagree: 10 months is old enough to START learning impulse control. It just won't be very good at first!


Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthie_mama*
Thank You! I do too, and I don't think I expect too much from him. He knows what things he is not supposed to touch, and he looks at me as he touches it, because he is expecting me to show him the boundaries. I am so regretful that I have showed him in a negative way, but I know it caused no permanent harm and we can easily change our behaviors. Thank You to all the supportive, encouraging mothers for helping us with all this.

Just my 2 cents...

While I don't think 10 months is too young to *start* teaching about impulse control and that there are certain things that he shouldn't touch, the reality is that until kids 3 or so, expecting impulse control to override the lust to explore (unless they've been repeatedly physically punished and are afraid to explore - which I'm NOT saying you did, just making that point and distinction) IS expecting too much. Of course there are some kids with dispositions that do not explore and challenge as much, which is great for them (and their lucky parents), but if you seem to have one that explores and challenges, it may be expecting too much to have more than a couple "no touches" available...and a LOT more stressful for everyone, that's for durn sure.

At 26 months, we STILL have most of the stuff that really matters to us out of DS's reach, because while he is much better with our verbal cues and redirection, we still cannot rely on him to not touch things on his own, and don't want to be "mad" at him for messing up something when he really can't help it...he's hardwired to explore.

Kids are so different; some are just more exploratory than others. If you have one that is a big explorer, I don't think it's fair to anyone involved to have more than a couple items off limits. For us, in every "space" of the house there are 1 or 2 things off limits, but the rest is open to him. SO, he IS learning about off limits stuff, but I'm not spending my entire day redirecting him, which is a total drag.

Also, re: the looking at you when he's touching stuff, he's just coming into the realization that he is in fact in control of his body and what it does, and it is SO COOL to him!! So, that's definitely another aspect of it, in addition to looking to you for guidance.

I guess all I'm saying is I'd really try to keep the off limits stuff to a real minimum, if you have a little adventurer on your hands. I was apparently NOT one of those kids, so my mom had it easy....Me, not so lucky with DS


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthie_mama*
This whole being a mom thing kind was a big surprise also. I was a homeless drug addict when I got pregnant (we both were). I was so overjoyed that I quit everything unnatural and addictive and moved to a new town where we could afford to live, and left all of our old friends, becuase they no longer would fit into our new life. I knew my husband for 2 months when I got pregnant, and for all we knew it was a summer fling. Everyone told me I could never do it. I getreally pissed when people are critical of me. We just bought a house in November, and have really quickly changed our whole lives. I have no support system, other than MDC, so I do appreciate everyone's help. Helping us prove them wrong!!

OK, now THIS is GREAT! MUCH admiration for BOTH of you!!!!!!


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

Earthie, I just remembered something else that works very well for us...maybe it will for you too...

You know the "forbidden fruit is much sweeter" saying? I agree that kids (well anyone) wants what they cant have. So, those items that I dont want my kids to play with are always the ones they throw a fit over b/c they cant.








So, I would take the item and let them see, explore, smell whatever with it while explaining "this is mommy's, please be gentle, its not for babies". They look, see that its really not the interesting, then I have them say goodbye to it, "okay, its time for it to go back to its place, say goodbye" then most times they never mention it again.

Funny story, my older dd (13)was looking at my "prized" The english roses book by madonna and my younger dd (3) asked her to "put it back in its place please, thats mommies".









Oh yeah, and you Rock!


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## mamakay (Apr 8, 2005)

Quote:

While I don't think 10 months is too young to start teaching about impulse control and that there are certain things that he shouldn't touch, the reality is that until kids 3 or so, expecting impulse control to override the lust to explore (unless they've been repeatedly physically punished and are afraid to explore - which I'm NOT saying you did, just making that point and distinction) IS expecting too much. Of course there are some kids with dispositions that do not explore and challenge as much, which is great for them (and their lucky parents), but if you seem to have one that explores and challenges, it may be expecting too much to have more than a couple "no touches" available...and a LOT more stressful for everyone, that's for durn sure.










Oh, and earthie...I'm just going to go ahead and give you a head's up.
Really understanding gentle discipline is going to be one of the most challenging ,yet rewarding things you've ever done.
It is completely antithetical to everything society says about good parents and good kids. In a lot of ways, it's kind of like unbrainwashing yourself. (It was/is for me, at least).
In the end, though...it doesn't just make you a better mom...it can make you a better person.


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## thorn (Dec 28, 2004)

we gated off our kitchen, and she is allowed to explore it when we are in there with her, but not just on her own. the rest of our house is (almost) totally babyproofed. You can get cheap shelves at IKEA or target and put stuff up on them that you don't want the baby to touch.

there will be plenty of things in your child's life that they cannot touch. even at your friends houses, they will learn there with you guiding them. IMO their own home should be a sanctuary from that.

good luck!


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## Rhiannon Feimorgan (Aug 26, 2005)

I'm comming to this conversation late, and most of the advice I would give has been said. I would sugest that if you haven't already you take the time to realy look at what is developmentaly approprite behaviour for a 10 month old. An adult cat is probably at the leavle of a 20 month old or something like that but is more importantly and adult and therefor capable of much more impulse controle than a baby human. The issue with this age is not so much knowing what they can and can't do as controling the impulse to do it anyway.

Anyway the thing I realy wanted to post about was a great big good for you for getting your life under controle and trying to be the mom you want to be! Great Job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And fyi dh and I had only know each other 3 months when I got pregnant. Now it's almost 7 years later and we are still going strong. It takes work but it is so worth it!


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

I agree with the previous posters and with your instincts...guidance and redirection and a developmentally appropriate understanding of where he's at will take you a long way. I'm another one who never did the full-on babyproofing, and I did find it worked fine with the above.

Whenever I think of handslapping (which isn't often) I think of a kid I knew when I was little whose mom did that. By the time the kid was 3 or 4, when she'd decided to do something she figured mom wouldn't like, she would trot over for a handslap - but do whatever she wanted anyway! Sometimes, she'd even present herself for a handslap before going off to do whatever the forbidden thing was....so it's not like you're giving up something that would have been effective in the long term.


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## familylove (Mar 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthie_mama*
Oops, I get a little defensive sometimes, especially when I am misunderstood (which happens very frequently)

This whole being a mom thing kind was a big surprise also. I was a homeless drug addict when I got pregnant (we both were). I was so overjoyed that I quit everything unnatural and addictive and moved to a new town where we could afford to live, and left all of our old friends, becuase they no longer would fit into our new life. I knew my husband for 2 months when I got pregnant, and for all we knew it was a summer fling. Everyone told me I could never do it. I getreally pissed when people are critical of me. We just bought a house in November, and have really quickly changed our whole lives. I have no support system, other than MDC, so I do appreciate everyone's help. Helping us prove them wrong!!

WOW!!! MUCH respect for you and DH! You sound like a compassionate, concerned and aware mama.

Lauren


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Quote:

You can get cheap shelves at IKEA or target and put stuff up on them that you don't want the baby to touch.
Just a caution on the cheap shelves: They tend not to be very stable, and they are heavy enough to kill a small child if they fall over. Either anchor them to the wall or put heavy stuff in the bottom shelves.

MamaInTheBoonies wrote:

Quote:

With two adults and one 10 month old baby, you really should not be having these struggles.
This is the part of your post that is judgmental and is not helping Earthie Mama think. Having recently had a 10-month-old myself, I don't think it's realistic to say that no conflict about what to touch should occur! The question is how to handle that conflict, and the whole reason for this thread was to ask for better ways to handle it. Some posters seem to be under the impression that everyone knows all about GD and that any failure to practice it perfectly indicates stupidity.







You misunderstood what Earthie Mama said about "making children less likely to explore"--she was referring to the study about how punishment makes children less likely to explore and how that's NOT what she wants for her child!

Earthie Mama







you are learning and trying to do the best you can! I can assure you that your son is learning and trying too and that in a few months you'll be able to see noticeable improvement in his impulse control--not that he'll be able to resist every tempting thing, just that he'll have learned to resist SOME of them and you'll be more able to tell that he's listening to you.


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## earthie_mama (Mar 27, 2006)

Yeah, I won't shop at either Target or Ikea, nor do I buy cheaply made stuff, that is why I have no furniture to begin with LOL Eventually I'll find what I'm looking for at a thrift store or antique shop









I find myself unsure of what to say sometimes, I want to be firm but loving, and I also talk to my child more like an adult, I like to say, "You don't know how to use that yet" rather than "oh honey, please can we not touch that" Not saying anything against anyone who does it that way, it is simply not my style.

Also, I had a friend tell me to slap my own hand, on top of theirs, like garb their hand, and slap my own. Has anyone tried this? She said it will get their attention, but not harm them, so I thought I'd try that when my verbal cues and redirection don't do the trick.


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## earthie_mama (Mar 27, 2006)

Yeah, I won't shop at either Target or Ikea, nor do I buy cheaply made stuff, that is why I have no furniture to begin with LOL Eventually I'll find what I'm looking for at a thrift store or antique shop, or build something myself









I find myself unsure of what to say sometimes, I want to be firm but loving, and I also talk to my child more like an adult, I like to say, "You don't know how to use that yet" rather than "oh honey, please can we not touch that" Not saying anything against anyone who does it that way, it is simply not my style.

Also, I had a friend tell me to slap my own hand, on top of theirs, like garb their hand, and slap my own. Has anyone tried this? She said it will get their attention, but not harm them, so I thought I'd try that when my verbal cues and redirection don't do the trick.


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## l_olive (Jan 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthie_mama*
Also, I had a friend tell me to slap my own hand, on top of theirs, like garb their hand, and slap my own. Has anyone tried this? She said it will get their attention, but not harm them, so I thought I'd try that when my verbal cues and redirection don't do the trick.

I wouldn't want to teach my ds that it's appropriate to use physical force when he's frustrated. I certainly don't want him to hit anyone else, but I also wouldn't want to model hitting myself either. Hitting, in our house, just isn't OK in any circumstance.

--Olive


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

It is helpful to me to use "self talk" when I feel challenged by my children, specificaly to remind myself of where they are developmentally and what they are trying to acheive.

When they were in that stage of getting into everything, I reminded myself every day that exploring and getting into things is HOW THEY LEARN. So everytime they went for something, I reminded myself that they more the got into things, the more they handled things, the more time they spent figuring out how things work -- the smarter they will actually be. Exploration is how they learn and how they develop intelligence. You wouldn't tell a 10 year old to stop reading so much. It's how they learn things. Its the same with a 10 month old and touching/exploring. It's how they learn things.

With that in mind -- I felt better about creating a home environment where its okay to explore and touch everything. Where they felt comfortable pulling out the contents of a kitchen cabinet.

I also worked a lot on how to touch, and cleaning up. At 10 months I was putting things in their hands and saying, "Clean up! Put it back on the shelf! We can do it again tomorrow!" And I was teaching "Touch gently."

There is a LOT of time for learning impulse control. I promise. My kids are 5 and 9 and they do not go into other people's homes and touch things or pull things apart! In fact, we get comliments on how careful they are. And gradually we've been able to relax about stuff around our own house and simply ask them not to touch certain things, and why.


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## Rhiannon Feimorgan (Aug 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthie_mama*
Also, I had a friend tell me to slap my own hand, on top of theirs, like garb their hand, and slap my own. Has anyone tried this? She said it will get their attention, but not harm them, so I thought I'd try that when my verbal cues and redirection don't do the trick.

For situations where I needed to get my childs attention and stop them from doing something quickly, like when they are reaching for the bread pan as soon as I open the oven and I don't want them to get burned or if they are about to step out into traffic, I will simply grab their hand. No slap. It stops the dangerous action, and gets the point across without being violent or even "fake violent".


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

I didn't read all the posts so i apologize if this has been said but what we did and really wokred well was teaching differnt touches...like one finger touch for breakables or touching only with a parent.
So at 10 mos you could hold his hand and show him how to have one finger and gently guide him how to touch something this way it isn't always NO but rather, "Wait for mommy/daddy to help you"

I would move the cat food though b/c that is yucky


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rhiannon Feimorgan*
For situations where I needed to get my childs attention and stop them from doing something quickly, like when they are reaching for the bread pan as soon as I open the oven and I don't want them to get burned or if they are about to step out into traffic, I will simply grab their hand. No slap. It stops the dangerous action, and gets the point across without being violent or even "fake violent".









:
I'd worry that smacking my own hand would make him think it's OK for him to smack me. WHen DS went through his smacking stage I most definitely stopped his hands as much as possible by just holding them, no other force needed.

Also agree with the "one finger touch" suggestion above, this worked pretty well with DS when he was littler, especially with our many plants...I had forgotten about that! And, I forget if anyone has mentioned this, I think they might have, but I found that if he wound up finding something I didn't want him to have, the best strategy was to slowly approach him and have a trade-off available, and say something like, "hey, that's pretty neat, huh? This is neat too, see?" and then swap them. Cause if I said, "No!" or soemthing like that, he'd either try to get into it more, away from me, or throw whatever it was. It's hard to stay calm when they somehow manage to get your $400 digital camera in their little paws, but I'd rather let him hold it gently for a minute, which is what he would do, than throw it and run away because I say, "Hey, no touch!".


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## Rhiannon Feimorgan (Aug 26, 2005)

Oh ya, the trade off thing is good. Also sometimes I'll say "that's mommies, I forgot to put it away, can you help me put it away, it goes up here." or even just "can you give that to mommy please"


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## Susan Kunkel (Jul 13, 2005)

I say that at ten months baby proof your house. You will have plenty of times to teach him not for baby outside the home.
Susan


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

I think that the OP has the right idea now, and has gotten some really good ideas here. Good for you.


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## amm0406 (Mar 24, 2006)

My MIL wants us to "pop" our daughter (almost 2) when she gets out of hand and I refuse to do it. She asked me if it will "hurt my feelings" to do it. #%$#@.


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## msiddiqi (Apr 28, 2005)

We pretty much moved everything and left ONE thing (a non-toxic houseplant) that DS shouldn't really touch, just so we can start teaching him that there are things that he should refrain from. And like the other mamas said, the best thing you can do is redirecting. When DS does go towards it, I just look at him and say "Not for baby!" and give him something else to play with. Now he barely even cares the plant is there. DS is 13mo now but at 10mo I don't think that would have worked as well. Maybe hide stuff for now, and bring out one thing at a time as he gets older.
Spanking his hand is only going to teach him he can hit you too. We actually used to show DS all the time that he could hit couches, pillows etc, but even THAT translated into him hitting us - so now we are "gentle" with everything (and now he's "gentle" with us).


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## thorn (Dec 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca*
Just a caution on the cheap shelves: They tend not to be very stable, and they are heavy enough to kill a small child if they fall over. Either anchor them to the wall or put heavy stuff in the bottom shelves.

I didn't mean bookshelves, I meant real shelves that install onto the wall







They should of course be installed properly, preferrably into a wall stud or at least using drywall anchors.

sorry I didn't mean to offend anyone who doesn't shop at IKEA or Target - you can buy expensive shelves if you want to







at least I didn't say Walmart


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## umsami (Dec 1, 2003)

Ikea offers free wall-anchor straps with all of their shelves. Oh, how I love IKEA. We got this great plastic stepstool for my son to use at the sink for like $2.50. Wonderful, slip resistant, etc. Same thing at Babies-R-Us is like $10.00.

To get on topic, honestly, I found that my voice and the displeasure in it, was usually enough to make my son stop doing things at first. I used to say "no" too much.... so I tried to be more specific, especially as DS got older. Probably "NO" was the word of choice at 10 months.

One thing that really helped at 10 months (and beyond)... was showing him what he could touch/play with. So...while my husband's books may be a no-no, he's more than welcome to take any of his books off of his bookshelf and play with them. While drawing on the walls is not O.K., drawing on paper is fine!


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