# Do your kids refer to adults as "Miss Firstname" and "Mister Firstname"?



## akwifeandmomma (Aug 13, 2005)

I'm pretty sure I'm in the minority here, but _I can't stand_ it.

I guess people do it as a form of respect for adults, right? But to me it sounds so ridiculous and just... ugh. It's like nails on a chalkboard. For now, I teach my kids to call our friends and other adults by Mr. or Mrs. Lastname, unless they say it's okay for them to call them by their first names. And then it's strictly first names, no Miss or Mister attached.

When kids call me "Miss Shanna", I usually say, "You can just call me Shanna." But I understand that other parents want their kids to refer to adults this way, so I don't push it. I've been asked about it once, when I said I much prefer to be called by my first name alone, or Mrs. MyLastName if they must.

Anyway. Like I said, I know I'm probably the weird one here. I just don't think it's respectful, or cute, or anything other than annoying. So there.

And now I'll hop off my little soapbox.


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## mamabeca (Oct 3, 2004)

My kids do Montessori schools from age 3 on, and there the focus is on equality and child directed learning, so the kids call everyone by their first names all the time, from the principal to the bus lady.







I like it, I think it does create an equal playing field in which children respect adults that respect children, kwim?


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

My kids don't and I have never heard a single other child do so. Isn't that generally a regional thing, though - southern?


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Well, our neighbor kids do, but that's because my dh and I have different last names and so no one knows what to call me! I usually go by the lead of the person we talk to. I teach my kids "Mr./Ms. Lastname" but if the parents ask for first name, then that's fine by me. But it usually ends up being Mr./Ms. Firstname. It doesn't bother me.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Never. I've never heard anyone do it or want to be called that. I find it creepy and odd.


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## Lingmom (Apr 10, 2007)

I'm usually just "DD's mom" to other children and I feel fine with that. And I'm "mom" to my own kids. I don't like them calling me by my first name. I will always call my mom and dad "mom" and "dad".

I prefer Mr./Ms First name over Mr/Ms. Last name though. It feels less stuffy and more friendly. Just repeat this list over a few times and you'll like it better:









King Arthur
Queen Elizabeth
Pope John Paul
Dr. Phil
Father Patrick
Mother Theresa
Brother John
Sister Maria
Sir Lancelot
Coach Bill
Saint Catherine


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I don't like Mr/Miss/Etc last name either.


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## akwifeandmomma (Aug 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
Isn't that generally a regional thing, though - southern?

See, I thought it was a Southern thing, but here in Alaska, it's become the norm, at least in my experience.


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## Cajunmomma (Nov 21, 2001)

I think it's a geographical distinction. I live in the Deep South (Louisiana), and we were always taught to address non-related adults (except some school teachers or ministers) as Miss (or Mrs.--but actually it was always Miss) Firstname or Mr. Firstname. In fact, I never heard any child call adults Miss (or Mrs.) Lastname until I had friends who had grown up in the "North". They were all surprised to hear the Miss or Mr. first name thing from children--most said that that would have been considered rude where they were raised.

I have nieces raised in NYC who refer to adults by their first names alone, and it always strikes me as odd (well, not so much anymore, since they are now adults as well).

Just my experiences.


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## Tuesday (Mar 3, 2003)

I've not encountered anyone who called me Miss "Firstname" in my life. I think, in theory, it is a polite policy to call someone Mr./Ms./Mrs. Lastname until otherwise asked. BUT, in this day, at least in my world, people don't adopt their husband's last name or they are not married or ... etc. etc.

I pointedly kept my own surname when I was married and I always feel rather strange and slightly irked when someone calls me Mrs. "My husband's last name". I understand the assumption but it mildly irks me.

In any case, my sons are being raised to follow the request of the adult. My friends seem to want to be called by their first names and in fact have specifically requested to not be referred to as Mr or Ms Last Name. I think my friends would absolutely laugh their heads off if my son called any of them Miss Firstname.


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## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

Im on the MD/PA boarder and the Miss/Mr first name is the norm here. My son has attened Montesorri for 2 yrs and all the teacher are Miss/Ms firstname. Many of my teenage son's friend call me Mrs Baxter. Its a sign of respect in this area


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## Quaniliaz (Oct 11, 2002)

Hmm - in MN/WI I've never called adults by anything other than their first name, unless asked to (i.e. teachers), and my dd doesn't either. In fact, I don't think I've heard of any child using Mr. firstname or mr. last name.

It would bug me to be called ms first or last name - but I recognize that it is a geographical thing, and would happily do so for others if that is what they preferred.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

DH and I are Northeasterners originally, but we now live in the South and use this convention. I now have come to prefer it over just first name or Ms. Lastname.


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## co op mama (Feb 22, 2008)

At my dd school the kids call me _____'s mom or Mrs.______ or they call me by my first name. I have an accaintance whose children do the the Miss_____first name and she has actually prompted my kids to do the miss first name thing and I can't stand!


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## saimeiyu (Aug 13, 2007)

In Hawaii pretty much all the kids call other adults "auntie" or "uncle" instead of mr. or ms. I much prefer that. It's much less... authoritative? I guess.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

I _prefer_ Mrs. Lastname.

Dd's first grade teacher taught them to call all the adult volunteers Mr. or Mrs. Firstname. I don't like it. I appreciate the show of respect, but it sounds funny to me. Dd and friends are in seventh grade now and they either call me by my first name or Mrs. Lastname. Or they don't know what to call me, so they just jump in and start talking.









Years ago the neighbor girl called me Cindy's Mom. Cindy's Mom, can Cindy come to play??


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

People do it here, but it's just popped up lately. It sounds very southern to me and it really just grates on my nerves. I wish parents would let their kids just call me by my first name but they seem to think it's more respectful to call me Miss Firstname, even though I hate it. I sound like an 8-year-old pre-Civil War southern girl. Miss Scarlet! Miss Scarlet!


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I don't really like any sort of Miss/Ms/Mrs/Mr in front of first or last name. I teach my kids to address people how they want to be addressed - so if someone introduces themselves as "Ms. Smith," that's what they should call them until told otherwise. At my son's school, they call most of the teachers by Miss/Mr and their first name. Some have different preferences, though, and the kdis adjust. For example, my son has two teachers in his class. One goes by Ms Firstname and the other goes by Mr. First letter of long last name.


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## spruce (Dec 11, 2004)

My kids do. All of the kids.

Certainly not nails on chalkboard to me. To each their own.

love, penelope


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## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

i hate being called miss first or lastname it annoys me. (i have been called by my lastname alone but that is just because my lastname is wicked)
no miss or mr first or last name if i call the person by their first name so can my children but they are taught to address a lady that they dont know as mam and a man as sir....


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## jake&zaxmom (May 12, 2004)

I live in Western North Carolina and most people teach their children to call adults "Miss/Mr. First Name"

I've noticed that it always seems to be "Miss" regardless of marital status.

I, personally, don't care for "Mr. First Name" It sounds weird to me. I don't really mind "Miss First Name" though


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## thyme (Jul 17, 2003)

This is the norm at my kids' school.

I prefer Ms. Firstname to Mrs. Lastname. (Mrs. Lastname sounds like my grandmother to me.)

I chaperoned a camping trip, and one of the counselors introduced himself as Shaggy. A few minutes later, one of the kids raised his hand and said "*Mr. Shaggy*, are we going to have marshmallows?"

LOL!


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

They do it here too and I don't really like it. I much prefer kids just to call me by my first name, even if I have never met them before.


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## Juliacat (May 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *akwifeandmomma* 
I guess people do it as a form of respect for adults, right? But to me it sounds so ridiculous and just... ugh. It's like nails on a chalkboard. For now, I teach my kids to call our friends and other adults by Mr. or Mrs. Lastname, unless they say it's okay for them to call them by their first names. And then it's strictly first names, no Miss or Mister attached.

I am 100% on board with you here. I would prefer for people who don't know me well to call me Mrs. Lastname, and for friends to call me by my first name. Ms. Firstname gives me the heebiejeebies. But it seems like everyone does it that way nowadays! It was never like that when I was a kid.


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## hottmama (Dec 27, 2004)

I prefer my first name and my kids call most adults by first name, unless they asked to be called Ms. firstname or Ms. lastname. I think my son calls his gymnastics coach "Ms. firstname" but I'm not sure.
I wouldn't mind "Ms. firstname" or "Ms. lastname" too much from a little kid, but from a teenager it would bother me. I'm not that old!


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## akaisha (Apr 14, 2008)

i'd prefer miss firstname to miss lastname if i had to be called one of over the other. but i'd rather just be amber. when i spent some time in new orleans all the LOs called me miss amber which was kinda cute, but i think i'd get sick of it really quick. in my family we call our aunts and uncles as well as my grandma by their firstnames, but that's mostly because my mom was adopted and we didn't meet our bio family till we were older. however, i actually really don't like being called miss, it's ms. thank you very much, i don't appreciate being defined by marital status, DP doesn't own me, kwim?


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

No, my kids refer to adults by their first names only, unless the adult makes it clear that s/he wants to be called Mr. or Mrs. That's only happened once, with an older lady friend at the pool -- she wants the kids to call her Mrs. D. If she wasn't great and loving with the kids, I'd think her a bit of an @$$ for it, to be honest. I don't like the idea that respect is conveyed through titles, nor do I like treating kids like a separate class of people.


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

As a daycare teacher I have little kids calling me "Miss Stephanie" (or some version of that, depending on their language skills







) nearly every day. I don't mind it. All the teachers at the daycare are "Miss first name". But, as for the comment about treating kids like a seperate class of people- I often call the kids by "Miss first name" or "Mr first name". They think it's funny when I do







After DS heard the daycare kids calling me "Miss Stephanie" he started calling me "Miss mama Stephanie" or "Miss Stephanie mama"







Fortunately he's back to just "Mama"









There are a few people I ask Owen to call "Miss" or "Mr". His teachers and a couple friends of dp's parents friends. But even I call those friends "Miss first name" and "Mr first name". Everyone, kids and adults alike, do.


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

I hate it too. Mostly my kids call their friend's parents by "so and so's mom".


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## lovesdaffodils (Jul 11, 2007)

I hear it a lot where I live, and it was pretty common growing up. I don't make a big deal of it, but I'd prefer to be just called by my first name. I would be a little skeeved by Ms/Mrs Lastname though (too formal for me), and I don't teach DS to do that because, honestly, I don't always know their last names! I'm bad enough with first names.







I usually just refer to other adults by their first names with him. Oh, and sometimes I just get called "Ds's Mom" and that's okay too.


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

We don't. I find it really, horribly annoying.


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## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

"Miss Firstname" is definitely the norm where I live (western North Carolina) but I think it has spread geographically as the preferred form of address for childcare providers/preschool teachers.


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## Lingmom (Apr 10, 2007)

Isn't that funny! In my experience it is:

Pre-school: Miss Lisa
Elementary/High School: Mr. Simpson
Undergrad: Professor Smithers
Grad school: Homer


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

I think it's funny that an intended sign of respect is so annoying to people. It's not like the kids are calling out "Hey! Fartface!"

Anyway, I don't teach my children to do this but, I was raised to do it. I do think it's a cultural thing. My parents were raised in Kentucky/Ohio and it was very much the norm there.

It's a sign of respect for someone older than you but who is very familiar. If you dont' know them well, you call them Mr. or Mrs Last Name. But, if you're good friends of the famlily, they become Miss or Mr. First Name.

To this day, I still have friends of my mom's that I call Miss Barbara and Miss Elizabeth. I've called them that since I was a young child.

What does annoy me is making children call friends "Auntie" or "Uncle" when they are not related. Now that's annoying. My mom had several close friends who she always referred to as Auntie so and so and they were not my aunt. She still does this with my children - she calls a couple of her friends Auntie so and so when talking to my kids. I do not encourage my children to call these people Auntie. I refer to them by their first names.


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## zoebugsmom (Jan 19, 2004)

My kids call adults whatever the adult in question prefers. So far no one has requested to be Miss Jane or Mr John. Every one seems to prefer to go buy their first name around here.


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## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

I live in Lousiana also and it is the norm around here to refer to adults as Miss/Mr Firstname. I grew up in central Arkansas, and we also did the same thing back then. And you also are always expected to say Yes/No Ma'am/Sir.


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## GruppieGirl (Feb 19, 2002)

The only people that my kids call Miss Firstname are dance teachers. What is it with dance teachers and adding Miss before their first names?

I prefer either my first name or Ms. Lastname. Miss Firstname sounds very elitist to me. I can't exactly put my finger on why I think that to be true.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GruppieGirl* 
The only people that my kids call Miss Firstname are dance teachers. What is it with dance teachers and adding Miss before their first names?


Us as well, everyone else as well goes by their first name only. I was raised with the Miss/Mr. thing and it annoys me.


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

My kids call adults whatever they want and the adults call my kids what my kids want to be called. So yes, sometimes that's Mrs. FirstName.


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## redpajama (Jan 22, 2007)

1. The first time a kid calls me "Mrs. LastName," I will lock myself in the bathroom and weep.

2. I think "Miss Susan" sounds very southern as well. I used to teach preschool in Columbus (Ohio), and that was the first place I ever heard it--at the school they had kids address the teachers this way, so I was "Miss Susan." I had one family that I babysit for refer to me this way, and it irritated me, but I got over it.


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## mom2annika (Mar 30, 2006)

It's partly a Southern thing IMO. It's Miss/Mr. Firstname here, and that's what we are teaching our 3 y.o. DD. That also applies to her preschool teachers. Except in the case of _really_ good friends, then sometimes it's Auntie/Uncle Firstname. DH started that when he was a kid...all his extended family lives overseas, so he and his immediate family created an "extended family" network. DD refers to these old family friends as Aunties and Uncles.

I don't mind being Miss Firstname, partly cause I am Southern, and partly cause I have a difficult last name. It's better than being called, "Miss! Miss! MIIIIIIISSSSS!!!" which is what the students called me when I student taught and substituted in the schools. Although if I was currently working in the public schools the standard would be "Mrs. Lastname." And "Sir" and "Ma'am" are standard here too.

ETA "here" is Texas.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

Definitely the norm in TN, where I grew up, not at all in the Pacific NW, where I lived the last few years, and my dd goes to a Montessori school here in the NE where the teacher (who grew up in the midwest) has the kids address her as Miss Lisa, which I find strange, but it doesn't really bother me. I much prefer other forms of address, and prefer to have kids just call me by my first name.


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## twilight girl (Mar 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amcal* 
I think it's funny that an intended sign of respect is so annoying to people. It's not like the kids are calling out "Hey! Fartface!"

ITA

my dd was in a Montessori for 2 years and they referred to the teachers as Teacher Firstname.

I don't understand what all the fuss is about teaching children respectful forms of address.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

No. But I do try and teach them to remember to say sir and ma'am when responding to adults.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

My kids call the adults around them whatever I call them. So it's mostly first names. As kids we called our parents friends by their first names but our friends' parents by their last names.
Except, of course for dance teachers..they were Miss, "firstname"

Most kids did not go to preschool (where teachers are generally "miss firstname") when I was growing up so I think that's why something that was generally a southern has become widespread.

My niece's friend's all call my sister, "Miss firstname" and it makes her crazy..in a funny way.


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## akwifeandmomma (Aug 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *twilight girl* 

I don't understand what all the fuss is about teaching children respectful forms of address.

Because it doesn't seem respectful _to me_. The opposite, actually.

To quote Mamazee:

Quote:

I wish parents would let their kids just call me by my first name but they seem to think it's more respectful to call me Miss Firstname, even though I hate it. I sound like an 8-year-old pre-Civil War southern girl. Miss Scarlet! Miss Scarlet!
But if someone actually preferred to be called Miss/Mister Firstname, we would certainly respect their wishes, even though it bugs me and grates on my nerves.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

Only in playschool did they refer to their teachers as Miss Lori, Miss Pam, etc(even though they were all married, it was always Miss).

The only other time they(or anyone else) refer to anyone as Mr. or Mrs. anything is at school.

It's very cultural as here no kids call parents Mr. or Mrs unless they're at school. Sometimes then it's Mrs. H instead of their full last name too. I work at the school & it drives me nuts when they call me Mrs. lastname. If they don't know my name it's Asha/Nadia/Tirza's mom, Teacher or Supervisor which I prefer too. I'd rather be just Carrie, but i know at the school they require it so I suck it up.lol Amongst the teachers they call themselves by first names & I have to ask wha the last name is as I know most of them by lastnames not first.lol

I prefery ANYTHING over being called Ma'am.

I've always been one who believes formalities are overrated.lol


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## twilight girl (Mar 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *akwifeandmomma* 
Because it doesn't seem respectful _to me_. The opposite, actually.

But you know that the _intent_ is to be respectful.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CarrieMF* 
I prefery ANYTHING over being called Ma'am.

OMG yes. I loathe ma'am. Except when my daughter says it to be funny.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

We justed watched The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman. It's a fictional account of a woman who lived as a slave and died during the civil rights movement of the 1960's. At any rate, every one of any age, and every color, refers to her as Miss Jane. I rather liked that. It's personable, but not too. I live in New England and we never refer to people by Miss First Name. Ever! lol Yet it feels so cozy.

I remember reading To Kill a Mockingbird (takes place n the south pf the 1950's) , and it was Miss this and Miss that, no matter the color or age. It seems so innocent and kind...and yet my kids always call everyone by their first names or Mr or Mrs Last Names. There are no other choices. I like having another choice.

Shoot me now.







:


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## Lula's Mom (Oct 29, 2003)

All of the kids do it here, and I think it's a lovely custom. It doesn't bother me if one of the kids occasionally calls me just by my first name, but quite honestly I like hearing _"Miss Kristi?"_. It sounds so sweet coming from my friends' kids.


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## spruce (Dec 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
No, my kids refer to adults by their first names only, unless the adult makes it clear that s/he wants to be called Mr. or Mrs. That's only happened once, with an older lady friend at the pool -- she wants the kids to call her Mrs. D. If she wasn't great and loving with the kids, I'd think her a bit of an @$$ for it, to be honest. I don't like the idea that respect is conveyed through titles, nor do I like treating kids like a separate class of people.

A separate class of people?

In my world, titles of respect can be in varied forms...Grandman, Boppa, Auntie, Miss (firstname), Ms. or Mrs. or Mr. (lastname), jobtitile (lastname).

I call my husband's boss "Chief >>>>" because I do think he deserves a separate level of respect. Even though I am no longer in the FD, I still think that level of respect is earned.

Do those of you who don't like "titles' tell your kids to call their healthcare providers, teachers, or other instructors by their first names?

IMO, we do kids a great disservice by not letting them experience the fact (in a gentle way like by using "Miss Amy" instead of plain "Amy") that adults and children are NOT social equals.

(Please don't jump on me and say that I'm implying that kids don't have inherent human rights just like adults. Of course they do! But kids are kids for a reason...and IMHO looking up to and showing respect for adults, mentors, instructors, etc., is an important part of growing up).

My 12 yo daughter is in a martial arts class, and she calls a 12 yo black belt "Ma'am" and "Yes, ma'am, Miss S...., Ma'am" because it is important to show that kind of respect.

love, penelope


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## spruce (Dec 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I loathe ma'am. Except when my daughter says it to be funny.

Honest question...why??


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spruce* 
In my world, titles of respect can be in varied forms...Grandman, Boppa, Auntie, Miss (firstname), Ms. or Mrs. or Mr. (lastname), jobtitile (lastname).

None of those strike me as respectful . . . things like grandma or aunt are custom for referring to the people who are related in that way, but I wouldn't feel disrespected if my hypothetical grandchildren or nieces/nephews called me Jessy.

Quote:

Do those of you who don't like "titles' tell your kids to call their healthcare providers, teachers, or other instructors by their first names?
It hasn't been an issue with my kids, but growing up when my dad was sick, we called all of his doctors by their first names. Same when my mom had breast cancer. It wasn't Dr. Lowenstein or Dr. Starker, it was Dennis and Paul.

Quote:

IMO, we do kids a great disservice by not letting them experience the fact (in a gentle way like by using "Miss Amy" instead of plain "Amy") that adults and children are NOT social equals.
I don't think that should be true, and I won't teach that to my children. The kids I know who were taught that way grew into young adults incapable of participating in adult conversations, so I may be biased by my experiences.

And I don't like being called ma'am because I don't like silly formalities like that, and I'm not that old, nor do I want to be treated like I am.


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## mummy marja (Jan 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamabeca* 
My kids do Montessori schools from age 3 on, and there the focus is on equality and child directed learning, so the kids call everyone by their first names all the time, from the principal to the bus lady.







I like it, I think it does create an equal playing field in which children respect adults that respect children, kwim?

Funny. I teach piano lessons at a Montessori school and they teach all the children to say "Miss Firstname" I found it odd at first and would much prefer to be called "Marja" but they want to call me "Miss Marja" so that's what I get!

I have asked my friend's kids to call me by my first name but friend insists on Mrs. Lastname. Eww.


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## Lingmom (Apr 10, 2007)

Quote:

The kids I know who were taught that way grew into young adults incapable of participating in adult conversations, so I may be biased by my experiences.
I'm fairly certain that a majority of languages use titles of one sort or another and certainly their use is widespread in English. I'm positive that the almost every American has used "Mr." or "Mrs." or "Dr." or "Fr." or "Rabbi" or whatever at some point. So I'd be very surprised if all children who addressed people with titles grew to be adults "incapable of participating in adult conversations".

How do you feel about socially "equal" titles, such as "sister <first name>" or "comrade <first name>"?

What about diminuitive forms of names only given to children... Katie, Johnny, Robbie, etc...? What about nicknames like "sweet pea" or "baby" or "peanut" or whatever... Are those a sign of a class difference to you?

How do you feel about other languages where register or formality is encoded in the grammar... so that you use a certain pronoun with older people and a different one for younger people (like du/Sie in German)... or use third person instead of second person for verb conjugation (like in Polish) with people who you want to show respect? What about Japanese honorifics where there is an elaborate system of titling and affixes to stratify different levels of society? Would you use these when traveling abroad? Would you allow your children to learn these languages?


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bc1995* 
I live in Lousiana also and it is the norm around here to refer to adults as Miss/Mr Firstname. I grew up in central Arkansas, and we also did the same thing back then. And you also are always expected to say Yes/No Ma'am/Sir.

yea I grew up in central AR , TX and MS. And we ALWAYS were told to say yes ma'am and no sir.

My kids, I'm not so particular about what they say and I don't think saying "yes" or "no" is particularly rude or even calling adults by their first name. There are alot worse things that can be said!


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## woo27ks (Jan 15, 2003)

My kids use - Mrs / Mr. Last name unless they are close friends. I also prefer to be called - Mrs. Last name - I find it really rude for a child to call me by my first name unless I ask them to.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

I like Mr./ Mrs./ Ms....
Call me crazy, but I think it adds color to society. I don't think it makes kids any less of people. I think if everyone is just their first name it's just blah.. blend...

I like all kinds of titles for various reason... from mama, and papa, to Ms., and Dr., and my DP's grandfather was an architect, so people called him Architect Lastname (in Italy). I love that... I love that a child can look with reverance at an older person and recognize that they have discovered mysteries of life that kids only begining to notice. I think most cultures demand(ed) particular respect for the elders, and instread of taking it an insult to all children, I take it as a lesson in mysteries and cycle of life, how we each play our own role, and claim our own place in life.

Sounds complicated, but to me titles are neat. I love that my sixth-graders call me Ms. Lastname... Call me crazy. If you wish to think that I disrespect them by expecting a title, what can I say? You are free to think what you wish. I also don't consider it as a disrespect to myself to use a title with an older person as my upbringing demands it.

The only thing that matters is how much heart we put into our interactions with people, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. To each its own...


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## MommaGreenBean (May 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spruce* 

Do those of you who don't like "titles' tell your kids to call their healthcare providers, teachers, or other instructors by their first names?

IMO, we do kids a great disservice by not letting them experience the fact (in a gentle way like by using "Miss Amy" instead of plain "Amy") that adults and children are NOT social equals.

(Please don't jump on me and say that I'm implying that kids don't have inherent human rights just like adults. Of course they do! But kids are kids for a reason...and IMHO looking up to and showing respect for adults, mentors, instructors, etc., is an important part of growing up).

ITA
My dd will call adults Mr./Mrs. Lastname. Unless they object, my best friend objected to both Mrs Lastname, Miss Firstname, so we use Auntie. I'm not a big fan of Auntie for non relatives, but it's what she prefers and I'm fine with it.


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## HomeBirthMommy (Mar 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lula's Mom* 
All of the kids do it here, and I think it's a lovely custom. It doesn't bother me if one of the kids occasionally calls me just by my first name, but quite honestly I like hearing _"Miss Kristi?"_. It sounds so sweet coming from my friends' kids.









Yes! I don't know any kids here (Atlanta suburbs) that don't add Miss/Mr. to an adult's first name. Some kids call me Mrs. lastname until I ask them not to (Mrs. lastname is my MIL, not me







). All of the leaders of kids' activites, friends' parents, people at church-they're all Miss/Mr. and it is definetely done with intended respect.

I remember calling adults Miss/Mr. as a child and I think I've grown up OK.


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## Jess A (May 26, 2006)

We do while the kids are toddlers and just learning names. Sometime around the age of 3 or 4, we refer to other adults as Mr. or Mrs. or Ms. Lastname. If they would like our kids to call them something else, we respect their wishes.


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## Subhuti (Feb 18, 2005)

Wow.

i' live in NY. And here kids tend to call adults they know by their firstnames or with mr. and mrs. lastname. It would be super weird or retro here to call someone "miss firstname."









Also, ma'aming and sir'ing doesn't happen from kids here. It's just not done. I was raised in a very formal environment and we never used that form of address. However, it proliferates as a sort of canned formalism between adults in the commercial world ... or like with telemarketers.

Well, I should say that among black communities in NYc (where there are cultural roots to the south), many of the older folk call everyone Miss Firstname... My mom goes to church in the south Bronx and is known as Miss Ginger.







It always sounds charming and loving to me in that context.

ok must go be mom


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

I am with the OP. I don't need to be referred to as "Miss Madskye"-that is weird. If they want to be formal, they can use my last name. I am all for addressing new acquaintances as Mrs. Jones or whatever until they direct us to call them by their first name or something else.

I find it extremely uncomfortable with people that I consider _good friends._ We have a close group of friends, and we all go by first names except one couple who refer to themselves and each other and us as Miss or Mr this or that. I find it forced.

At preschool, her teachers are Miss This or That, but they are teachers, and while we love them, they're not close friends that we have over our homes, or vacation with.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spruce* 

Do those of you who don't like "titles' tell your kids to call their healthcare providers, teachers, or other instructors by their first names?

IMO, we do kids a great disservice by not letting them experience the fact (in a gentle way like by using "Miss Amy" instead of plain "Amy") that adults and children are NOT social equals.


We call people what they want to be called. So our Dr is Dr. X. Our midwives go by first name. Some of the teachers at my kid's soon to be school go by first name, miss first name, or miss last name. All my kids' extracurricular instructors go by first names.

I have never, in my life, seen a child introduced to a parent's friends or family friends or other adults by a title. If I tried to introduce my friends to my kids by miss or mrs first or last name, they would fall over laughing.

I hate these threads because there is always this attitude that kids who don't use titles are being rude or having a "disservice" done to them, etc. when it is very cultural. I don't agree with children calling adults by titles, but I'm not going to say negative things to those who do.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *twilight girl* 
But you know that the _intent_ is to be respectful.

No, if you know the person doesn't like to be called that, the intent is conformity to some outside standard, not respect. It would be respectful to call people what they like to be called.


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## monkeysmommy (Apr 3, 2003)

My daughter calls non-related adults what they introduce themselves as which around here is just the first name, no title. Her teacher at school is Mr. Lastname. I teach dance and I don't like being called Miss Firstname by my students. It just feels too Dolly Dinkle School of Toe Dancing and Baton to me, although some of the other teachers do go by Miss firstname and it suits them just fine. They all call me Teacher Firstname, or the older ones just call me Firstname. There is a male teacher who goes by just Lastname but everyone calls him that, kids and adults alike.


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## lula (Feb 26, 2003)

I find it really annoying and it freaks me out. But I wasn't raised that way and am not raising my children in an area were such a form of address is used ever if at all.

I have a friend (lives in the northern part of FL) whose children uses the title and who wants my children to refer to her as Miss (firstname) She thinks that my kids are being done a disservice because they don't use Miss etc. It has been a point of discussion on numerous occasions. (I do instruct my children to call her Miss (firstname) but I think her obsession is a bit odd and really isn't doing much to cultivate respect on either end)

I think it is completely up to the norm where you live.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lingmom* 
So I'd be very surprised if all children who addressed people with titles grew to be adults "incapable of participating in adult conversations".

I'm sure that's quite true. However, in my experience, the people who are hung up on having their children call people Mr. or Mrs. tend to be the type who think kids should be seen and not heard, and for whom respect should come from children without being extended to them . . . and the results are Not Good.

Quote:

How do you feel about socially "equal" titles, such as "sister <first name>" or "comrade <first name>"?
Don't really have an opinion . . . it sounds kind of silly to me, but I don't care if other people want to call each other that.

Quote:

What about diminuitive forms of names only given to children... Katie, Johnny, Robbie, etc...? What about nicknames like "sweet pea" or "baby" or "peanut" or whatever... Are those a sign of a class difference to you?
Maybe it's the field my partner works in, but all of the adults he works with go by childish nicknames . . . I use one myself, and many of our friends use them. Same with other nicknames like baby and sweet pea and snookums -- these are not exclusive to children, it's more like they're reserved for close relationships.

Quote:

How do you feel about other languages where register or formality is encoded in the grammar... so that you use a certain pronoun with older people and a different one for younger people (like du/Sie in German)... or use third person instead of second person for verb conjugation (like in Polish) with people who you want to show respect? What about Japanese honorifics where there is an elaborate system of titling and affixes to stratify different levels of society? Would you use these when traveling abroad? Would you allow your children to learn these languages?
How silly. I really don't care. I don't speak any other languages, but if I were to learn one, I'd be learning it so that I could communicate properly with the people who speak it. I'm not out to re-write people's languages . . . but I'm not going to have my children calling adults Mr. or Mrs. unless it's the only option those people are willing to give us, and my kids will/do know why I feel that way.


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I'm sure that's quite true. However, in my experience, the people who are hung up on having their children call people Mr. or Mrs. tend to be the type who think kids should be seen and not heard, and for whom respect should come from children without being extended to them . . . and the results are Not Good.

That is absolutely ridiculously silly. In some cultures, calling people Mr. or Mrs or Miss so and so is a cultural sign of respect. I did it, my friends did it and never, ever were we disrespected or treated as though we should be seen and not heard. That's such a leap to make - it's quite laughable.


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## Dauno (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amcal* 
That is absolutely ridiculously silly. In some cultures, calling people Mr. or Mrs or Miss so and so is a cultural sign of respect. I did it, my friends did it and never, ever were we disrespected or treated as though we should be seen and not heard. That's such a leap to make - it's quite laughable.

I so agree!! I actually laughed at that remark and i'm not trying to be rude or anything it's just, as amcal said, laughable, and silly.

My DD calls almost everyone Miss or Mr or Mrs, i think is a sign of respect, becuase i was raised like that and SO was raised like that, unless the person sayd "Oh no just call me by my first name" she'll use the first name or if DD asks "Can i call you first name?" and the person says "yes"
Where i was raised it's a sign of respect to speak in the "usted" fashion if not it's totally disrespectful, specially for older people.


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## Lingmom (Apr 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
. I'm not out to re-write people's languages . .

Not even the English spoken in any dialect region where the use of titles such as "Mr." and "Mrs." is a culturally appropriate way to address another person?


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## Missy (Oct 22, 2002)

Miss/Mr. Firstname is the norm here, and, no, I don't like it. See my user name? That's my real name. So, I'm "Miss Missy". How incredibly stupid is that? I deal with it from the few kids in the neighborhood whose parents have a real issue with just "Missy", but mostly I ask kids to drop the "Miss". I can't think of anyone who still calls me "Mrs. Lastname".


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## hellyaellen (Nov 8, 2005)

we do this and we are in the south. we have one friend the kids call mr "lastname" and that's b/c we call this guy by his last name.
we even call adult relatives by a title and first name "aunt firstname" "cousine firstname" etc


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## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

I am not a fan of the "Mrs. Firstname" either. Sounds odd to me, but that's probably because I've never really heard it (except DD's ballet teachers).

I teach my children to address adults as "Mr./Mrs. Lastname", *unless/until the adult says otherwise*. If DD and/or DS called an adult by their first name, I would be so embarrassed.

When it some to friends' parents, I'm sure they address most as "so-an-so's Mom" or "so-and-so's dad" or "Mr./Mrs. Lastname" if they don't know them well. Personally, I like when DD's and DS's friends call me "DD's mom" or "DS's mom". Makes me smile cause I'm proud to be reminded







Actually DS's friend asked me what my name was the other day and I felt a little weird telling him. He couldn't remember it, twice, so I just winked and told him it was okay to call me "Ethan's mom". He thought it was cool.

Oh, and we also teach the "sir" and "ma'am".


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## dillonandmarasmom (May 30, 2005)

Besides when I was teacher, the only time/place I have ever been called "Miss" anything was by the *dads* in the SAHD group I infiltrated for a couple of years...the kids would call me that on occasion, but the dads did it evry time. hated it.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amcal* 
That is absolutely ridiculously silly. In some cultures, calling people Mr. or Mrs or Miss so and so is a cultural sign of respect. I did it, my friends did it and never, ever were we disrespected or treated as though we should be seen and not heard. That's such a leap to make - it's quite laughable.

So your experience has been different than mine . . . is this supposed to be shocking news?

Quote:

Not even the English spoken in any dialect region where the use of titles such as "Mr." and "Mrs." is a culturally appropriate way to address another person?
Not even. Just explaining why it's not something I like for my own children and why I am skeptical about people who do it.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

It would never occur to me to get my kid to call people "Ms." or "Mr." so and so... we just use first names as do all the kids around here.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I'm sure that's quite true. However, in my experience, the people who are hung up on having their children call people Mr. or Mrs. tend to be the type who think kids should be seen and not heard, and for whom respect should come from children without being extended to them . . . and the results are Not Good.


That's simply not true. This statement is quite disrespectful judgment of parenting on quite a few participants in this discussion.

I don't feel disrespected if I'm talking to an elder while using a title (either in my first language, which demands it more strictly, or in English).

Correct me if I'm wrong, but Native American culture made quite a distinction between the ages, and I think it is symbolic and beautiful. Does that mean that the whole culture treated children as something to be seen and not heard?

I think one can find offense in anything, if tried very hard. One can explain to their kids that they ought to feel inferior and unworthy when using a title.

I didn't feel that way growing up, nor do I see it in my kid. I'll ask her what she thinks on the topic when she gets home..


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## anubis (Oct 6, 2006)

Where I'm originally from we don't do Mr/Miss/Mrs even between adults, so it would just seem silly to teach one's kids to use them. Teachers were either "teach" or just first name, parents of other kids were first name or _____'s mum, other adults usually first name. Call someone Mr. lastname and they'll think you're making fun of them. Aside from parents and grandparents, relatives are also generally just called by their first names (as in, no aunt this or uncle that, unless it's to differentiate between several people by the same name).

I've struggled with this whole thing since moving to the UK. It grates on my very last nerve to be called Miss Lastname. I can't stand being Auntie Firstname to my DP's niece and nephew. It just feels so contrived. I don't need a title, my name will do just fine on its own. It's one of the cultural differences I could really do without.


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## muttmom92 (Mar 20, 2005)

It seems that most people around here (Maryland) use Ms. First Name. I don't mind it, but I also don't mind if a child calls me by my first name only. I ask my kids to address people using Ms./Mr. First Name b/c I don't want to be perceived as rude.









My nieces and nephews just call me by my first name and my kids call my siblings by their first names. That's how I've always addressed my aunts and uncles. But anyone outside the family gets Ms./Mr. unless told otherwise.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oriole* 
One can explain to their kids that they ought to feel inferior and unworthy when using a title.

Why would anyone do that? I've simply explained to my daughter that it's not something I agree with *because* people who are older than her are not more worthy of respect than she is. As I said in my first post, we have one friend who demands this title, and she treats my children very well. Rylie just thinks having to call her Mrs. D is one of her (several) quirks -- she is quite old fashioned.


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## twilight girl (Mar 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
No, if you know the person doesn't like to be called that, the intent is conformity to some outside standard, not respect. It would be respectful to call people what they like to be called.

Really, really not trying to be argumentative







BUT, the parent's intent is to teach their children a respectful form of address. The fact that _you_ specifically do not find it respectful does not change the parent's intent. Are you suggesting that the parent is purposefully setting out to teach their children to _dis_respect you?

Honestly, our generation rebelled against ma'am and sir, so what we've come up with is Miss/Mr. Firstname. Obviously many people still feel that children should not address adults as they address their peers. It's not as stiff and authoritative as ma'am and sir, but still keeps things in perspective.

I expect my children to mind her friends' parents when she is playing with them. It seems to me that it is much easier for my daughter to remember "who is in charge" if she is not on a first name basis with her friends' parents, or my friends.

When she is an adult, she can then refer to adults on a first name basis. Until then she can call them Miss/Mr. Firstname.

And, just to inflame the issue a little more:







:

For those of you who so viscerally object to the Miss/Mr. Firstname address, have you considered that when you insist that a child call you First Name only, you might be undermining that child's parents' efforts?

To put it another way: that's like another adult deciding that my rules that DD should not chew gum are just annoying and give her gum anyway. The message to the child is that "your parents' rules don't matter." Right?

Just trying to enliven the debate beyond "I like it" and "I hate it."







No harm, no foul.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Isn't it most respectful to teach kids to call people by what they prefer? I would not tell my child to call someone by their first name if they objected, and likewise I don't think formal address should be forced on anyone.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama* 
Isn't it most respectful to teach kids to call people by what they prefer? I would not tell my child to call someone by their first name if they objected, and likewise I don't think formal address should be forced on anyone.

Exactly.

I can't think of anything more rude than calling someone something they don't want to be called. I will always tell a kid to call me by my first name if it came up, and if someone told my kids to call them miss or mrs x, then I expect my kids to call them what they want to be called and not just go by what I want.


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## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

We use Miss/Mister here, too. I still call plenty of people Miss/Mister Firstname (anyone I've known since childhood).

Oh, yeah, born and bred in the deep south. I think that makes a big difference. Shoot, I still tell my mama, "yes, ma'am." LOL


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *twilight girl* 
Really, really not trying to be argumentative







BUT, the parent's intent is to teach their children a respectful form of address. The fact that _you_ specifically do not find it respectful does not change the parent's intent. Are you suggesting that the parent is purposefully setting out to teach their children to _dis_respect you?

No, but it isn't about respect. Respect by definition involves me as a receiver. The word respect requires an object. If I don't feel respected by it, then it isn't respectful. If you *know* I wouldn't feel respected by it, and still insist on your kids calling me that, THEN it would be disrespectful. But if you don't know it's simply an external standard of conduct. If you think I might prefer it, then it is an attempt to be respectful. And that doesn't bother me. What I don't like is when someone knows that I don't like that and still insists I be called that regardless.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *twilight girl* 
Honestly, our generation rebelled against ma'am and sir, so what we've come up with is Miss/Mr. Firstname. Obviously many people still feel that children should not address adults as they address their peers. It's not as stiff and authoritative as ma'am and sir, but still keeps things in perspective.

What perspective?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *twilight girl* 
I expect my children to mind her friends' parents when she is playing with them. It seems to me that it is much easier for my daughter to remember "who is in charge" if she is not on a first name basis with her friends' parents, or my friends.

I've never had a problem with this with those kids who call me by my first name. Kids see that I'm an adult, and that isn't dependent upon what they call me. I can't imagine kids not knowing who the adult is based on that. Maybe a teenage babysitter, but I've always heard teenage babysitters called just by their first names anyway.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *twilight girl* 
When she is an adult, she can then refer to adults on a first name basis. Until then she can call them Miss/Mr. Firstname.

And, just to inflame the issue a little more:







:

For those of you who so viscerally object to the Miss/Mr. Firstname address, have you considered that when you insist that a child call you First Name only, you might be undermining that child's parents' efforts?

To put it another way: that's like another adult deciding that my rules that DD should not chew gum are just annoying and give her gum anyway. The message to the child is that "your parents' rules don't matter." Right?

Just trying to enliven the debate beyond "I like it" and "I hate it."







No harm, no foul.

Undermining the parents efforts to teach respect? When the concept of respect requires the object of respect find it respectful? This is exactly what bothers me about the whole thing. It's like there is this facade of respect overlying something that has nothing to do with respect.

And if rules matter, they matter for the reason the rules exist, not just because the parents have the rule. So, if it were indeed respectful, the rule would matter because the object of respect would feel respected by it. Rules don't exist just to have rules.


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## 2shy2post (Oct 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spruce* 
A separate class of people?

In my world, titles of respect can be in varied forms...Grandman, Boppa, Auntie, Miss (firstname), Ms. or Mrs. or Mr. (lastname), jobtitile (lastname).

I call my husband's boss "Chief >>>>" because I do think he deserves a separate level of respect. Even though I am no longer in the FD, I still think that level of respect is earned.

Do those of you who don't like "titles' tell your kids to call their healthcare providers, teachers, or other instructors by their first names?

IMO, we do kids a great disservice by not letting them experience the fact (in a gentle way like by using "Miss Amy" instead of plain "Amy") that adults and children are NOT social equals.

(Please don't jump on me and say that I'm implying that kids don't have inherent human rights just like adults. Of course they do! But kids are kids for a reason...and IMHO looking up to and showing respect for adults, mentors, instructors, etc., is an important part of growing up).

My 12 yo daughter is in a martial arts class, and she calls a 12 yo black belt "Ma'am" and "Yes, ma'am, Miss S...., Ma'am" because it is important to show that kind of respect.

love, penelope

ITA!









Now, if an adult asks my children to refer to them in a different way ~ then it is respectful to follow that person's wishes.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *twilight girl* 
R\
For those of you who so viscerally object to the Miss/Mr. Firstname address, have you considered that when you insist that a child call you First Name only, you might be undermining that child's parents' efforts?

Not for a second. If it's about respect, then I expect other parents to have enough respect for me not to call me something I despise. I would rather be "hey you" than Ms. DelBalzo, and would tell both the child and parents that if I had to.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Mine does call her teacher, and her health care provider, by first names. She goes to a little wee school, not public school, and the teacher is fine about the kids using her first name.

She calls my university professors Dr. So-and-so... or sometimes she uses their full names as I do that when I speak about them. Mostly any adult I use a title for, she does too. Adults for whom I use first names, she does the same.

It's not difficult.


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

i can't stand it either! i think if you want them to call you your first name then that is what it should be... ie Sue. if you want the mr/mrs/miss/ms added on then it should be last name.
i thought i was the only one who this just irritated. LOL

h

nak


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

I call people what they prefer to be called. So do my kids. If they prefer Ms. or Mrs. First or Last name, that's what we call them. If they prefer just first name, okay by me. I think it's respectful to call people what they want to be called. (I even mostly remember to call one of my sisters and one of my brothers by their chosen nicknames!)

I have a reaaaallllly long first name (a total of 5 syllables) so I feel for the kids whose parents insist that call me Ms. my first name. Heck, the grown ups at work get it wrong sometimes even without the Ms.


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## DawnaRose (Jan 22, 2004)

I was raised in the south as well, and it was always Miss Firstname or Mr Firstname unless we were told otherwise. Sir and Ma'am drive me nuts so I never required my kids call anyone by those.

I usually let the adult decide what my kids should call them. Until recently









My best friend and my midwife have the same first name. Each time my almost 4yr old would ask where are we going the conversations would go like...

"Where are we going today Mommy?"

'To K's house"

"Oh yay then I can play with G (friends daughter)"

"no, sorry we are going to the other K's house, Mommys midwife"

"but I wanna go to K's house to play with G" <enter screaming fit because she thought we were going to her friends house and instead we were going to the "boring midwifes" house>

Now, I refer to midwife as Miss K, and its solved our problems of which persons house we are going to...

If my midwife hates it, she hasn't said anything to me, though I did explain that E was getting her and my friend confused because they have the same name, so maybe she understands why we switched to Miss K instead of just K, as she introduced herself as...


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## justmama (Dec 24, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
My kids don't and I have never heard a single other child do so. Isn't that generally a regional thing, though - southern?

yep. my kids do it having spent time in the south and being military brats.

and when they are spoken to firmly, they always revert back to "yes ma'am" and "yes sir."


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## Mom2lilpeeps (Aug 19, 2006)

My children call adults Miss/Mr firstname unless the adult requests otherwise. I was raised like this and still refer to people much older than me in this way. I think it's respectful. I think it's a regional and/or cultural thing. When I was working (ER nurse) I called the MDs Dr. So and So until some of them asked to be called by their first names but in front of patients it was always "Dr". Again, I think it's a sign of respect.


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## twilight girl (Mar 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
Not for a second. If it's about respect, then I expect other parents to have enough respect for me not to call me something I despise. I would rather be "hey you" than Ms. DelBalzo, and would tell both the child and parents that if I had to.

But, I still think that we're missing a larger point here, which is it's not about _you._

I agree with 2shy2post. I'm trying to teach my 5 y.o. that she is not on first name basis with adults. In English she refers to adults by Miss/Mr firstname, and in Spanish she addresses adults as "usted" the respectful form of "you." The only person she calls by a first name is the (former) nanny, Gloria, because their relationship was very close, and even so, I expect her to use "señora" and "usted" when addressing Gloria.

I still think this goes along with any other thing a parent is trying to cultivate in their child. I don't think it's fair to the kids to give them conflicting messages, and to have them sort out which adults they are supposed to call Miss/Mr and which they can be on a first name basis with.

I just think it's about them, their parents and not about you and how you feel about being called Miss Firstname.

Respectfully








Judi


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

What kind of message are you teaching your kids if you tell them to ignore what people want to be called? That is hardly respectful.

My kids are not confused at all that some people have titles and some don't. I don't think you give kids enough credit.

Every day, we may encounter people whose values conflict with our parenting values. We cannot ask people to change to reflect our values. It is something we have to deal with as parents.

How would you feel if I introduced you to my kids as first name, you corrected that it is Mrs. First name, and I said too bad, my kids will call you first name because that is our family values.

I just can't get over the completely mind blowing, unbelievable rudeness of refusing to address people by how they wish to be addressed, no matter what the norm is in your area.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *twilight girl* 
But, I still think that we're missing a larger point here, which is it's not about _you._

Wha??? What somebody calls me should not be about me but them? Sorry, that is about as nonsensical as I can imagine.

If that's the case I'm just going to start making up names for people according to my own preference. Wonder what my ex girlfriend will think of her new moniker.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

twilight girl said:


> For those of you who so viscerally object to the Miss/Mr. Firstname address, have you considered that when you insist that a child call you First Name only, you might be undermining that child's parents' efforts?
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madskye* 

Miss Madskye sounds like the batty spinster who just took too much laudanum and isn't quite part of reality to me!









:


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama* 
Wha??? What somebody calls me should not be about me but them? Sorry, that is about as nonsensical as I can imagine.

If that's the case I'm just going to start making up names for people according to my own preference. Wonder what my ex girlfriend will think of her new moniker.









I am going to start calling you Frank. That is what *I* want to call you.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
What kind of message are you teaching your kids if you tell them to ignore what people want to be called? That is hardly respectful.

My kids are not confused at all that some people have titles and some don't. I don't think you give kids enough credit.

Every day, we may encounter people whose values conflict with our parenting values. We cannot ask people to change to reflect our values. It is something we have to deal with as parents.

How would you feel if I introduced you to my kids as first name, you corrected that it is Mrs. First name, and I said too bad, my kids will call you first name because that is our family values.

I just can't get over the completely mind blowing, unbelievable rudeness of refusing to address people by how they wish to be addressed, no matter what the norm is in your area.

Exactly, that!! Though I am fairly certain I would limit my contact with anyone who wouldn't refer to me using my preference of names because that is so incredibly rude (nevermind that anyone that nitpicky probably wouldn't like me to begin with!)


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

My kids do it.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
I am going to start calling you Frank. That is what *I* want to call you.









Frank.

I'm going to call you Sarasota Louise. You like?


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Here's an interesting link to a Berkeley Parents Group with a similar question. Lots of similar viewpoints to here, but the first response was interesting to me--a woman discusses how mortified she was as a child to have a grownup tell her that she should be addressed as Mrs. SoSo and as a child.

Then it goes on to say that it's important that you simply explain to children that adults have their own preferences on how to be addressed, and that they should ask.

http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/p...essadults.html


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *madskye* 
Then it goes on to say that it's important that you simply explain to children that adults have their own preferences on how to be addressed, and that they should ask.

That doesn't seem applicable to adults only, though . . . I know lots of kids who have a preferred nickname or other name that they prefer, and I think it's good advice to teach kids to ask anyone they meet what they would like to be called.

I don't see the need to break it down by age. Everyone should be called by a name they like, no matter how old they are.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
That doesn't seem applicable to adults only, though . . . I know lots of kids who have a preferred nickname or other name that they prefer, and I think it's good advice to teach kids to ask anyone they meet what they would like to be called.

I don't see the need to break it down by age. Everyone should be called by a name they like, no matter how old they are.

There ya go. IMO that's the conclusion of the whole issue.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

My grandmother grew up in Cork where you always called people by the name they used when they met you. So my grandma called her closest and dearest friend who she met right off the boat Mrs. O'Leary. She called Mrs. O'Leary's husband by his nickname. Mrs. O'Leary called my grandma by her nickname.

I remember thinking it was so funny.

I grew up in the American South. My parents were mighty po'd when a teacher required my older sister to call them sir or ma'am or be in trouble with the teacher for being disrespectful.

I still live in the American South. I call service people sir and ma'am. I call other adults by their first names (including my doctor) unless my kids are in a position to call them Miss firstname. A wonderful children's librarian who I have known for years as "Pat" (before we had kids), I now call "Miss Pat" since my kids do. (It's how it's done at the library here. Pat's not nitpicky or imagining disrespect from kids looking for books.)

Heck, we even let dp's grandparents pick what to have the kids call them even though I don't particularly like their choices!

ETA: The teacher required my sister to call my parents sir and ma'am.


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## MamaEli (Mar 6, 2007)

I grew up in the Midwest, and it was always Mrs./Mr. Lastname.
Now I'm in the South, and we definitely say Miz/Mr. Firstname for the kids.
When I was teaching (South and Midwest) I was always Mrs. Lastname, and that's typically how it is for any teacher past preschool. We also use the ___'s Mommy/Daddy a lot, too.
As far as sir/ma'am, I'll use it occasionally when I talk to adult strangers, but my kids don't. When I was teaching, I got it from students fairly frequently. My sister, who lives farther Down South than I, is teaching her kids to use sir/ma'am and Miss/Mr. Firstname for all adults. I really think it is a regional thing.


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## 5gifts (Nov 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama* 







Frank.

I'm going to call you Sarasota Louise. You like?

You know, my dd since age 4 (now 10) will mix up people's names sooo much - then just declare "I'm going to call you_____, because that's easier to remamber!"

She does it to grown ups & kids - she just gives them a name & calls them that!


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

LOL. DD can't talk yet, but there's a potential parenting conflict when she does. DH is all about first names--he'll call anyone, no matter how ancient and venerable, by his or her first name and thinks it's silly not to, because they're both adults. I suppose if someone specifically requested to be called "Mr' he'd comply, but he'd grumble in private about how it was snobbish or silly.

I, on the other hand, call adults Mr or Mrs unless they ask me not to. (Well, older adults, not people my own age, or who I've met on my own terms). I think it partly stems from growing up in a church with older people. When I was six it made sense for me to call them Mr and Mrs Smith, so now I'm 21 it just seems too awkward to call them Esther and Gordon. Particularly because they probably still think of me as a youngun, despite me being married and having a baby.









A couple of times I have picked up 'Mrs Firstname', because Mum calls some of her friends that in a cutesy way. So we have Mrs Penny and Mrs Kirsty.

Anyway, I'm not sure what we'll teach DD. 'What the person wants to be called' is a good rule if they express a preference... I guess I'll just have to get used to asking if they don't! Myself, I prefer to be called by my first name (or, actually, my online nick), but my next-door neighbor calls me 'Mrs Lastname' to her 2-year-old and I don't like to object, in case it goes against her principles.

What does bug me a bit is the fake-auntie thing. We had _one_ fake aunt and uncle growing up, but some people do the whole 'Come to Aunty Kate!' thing, and it sort of annoys me. I don't see why women should automatically be aunties, especially when they don't even know DD! Plus, it seems weird enough to refer to my nine-year-old sister as 'Auntie Abby'.


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

in short, no


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lingmom* 
Isn't that funny! In my experience it is:

Pre-school: Miss Lisa
Elementary/High School: Mr. Simpson
Undergrad: Professor Smithers
Grad school: Homer


AMEN to that, LOL!
(And frankly, I like it that way.)

xoe (...and it's "Miz Jackson" if your nasty!







)


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## AndVeeGeeMakes3 (Mar 16, 2007)

As a life-long Southerner, it irks me how frequently anything "Southern" is characterized as being stupid or backward or whatever. It's a very silly and ignorant cliche. :yawning:

Back to the point at hand: I think it's quite nice, if you are comfortable with it, to use "Miss" and "Mr" First Name. It signals both familiarity and respect. Further, DD calls my and my husband's best friends "Aunt" and "Uncle" - because we really do feel that they are our brothers and sisters. And while I completely believe in child-led learning and respecting my little one's individuality and specialness, I think that it is wonderful for a child to understand the differentiation (in wisdom, experience, etc.) between children and adults.

That said, I don't really care what other people's kids call me. Well, I don't care if they call me Wendy or Miss Wendy (not a big fan of the last name thing, partially b/c mine is hyphenated and just too much for lots of kiddos to deal with).

I guess this is really a live and let live issue; not necessarily a value-oriented thing.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kalkiwendy* 
As a life-long Southerner, it irks me how frequently anything "Southern" is characterized as being stupid or backward or whatever. It's a very silly and ignorant cliche. :yawning:

It sounds Southern. Not "stupid or backward or whatever". Just Southern, and therefore a bit foreign to my ear as I am not southern. If I had moved to the south, I would expect to hear Southern things, but I'm from the north and I live in the north and it sounds odd for me to hear it here.


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## future_mommy (Apr 6, 2008)

I still refer to adults as Miss, Ms., Mrs. or Mr. and im 18


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## AndVeeGeeMakes3 (Mar 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
It sounds Southern. Not "stupid or backward or whatever". Just Southern, and therefore a bit foreign to my ear as I am not southern. If I had moved to the south, I would expect to hear Southern things, but I'm from the north and I live in the north and it sounds odd for me to hear it here.

Gotcha. Glad to hear it. Though, I think you'd have to admit that so often the characterization that I'm complaining about is rampant.

Sorry if I cam off defensive.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Huh. I had absolutely no idea that so many people find this so irritating. I had never heard it before I moved down here, but adopted it because some friends use it and I found it sort of charming--a good middle ground between Mrs. Lastname (which is what I called my friends' parents as a child) and first name only. I also thought it was sort of a good thing to teach DD as a cultural norm. I like people to think she's been raised to be polite, even though, uh, she isn't really so much.

Quote:

It signals both familiarity and respect.
That's it for me exactly.

BTW, I don't care what other people's kids call me. Speaking of which, I'm confused by "my kids call adults what they want to be called." I feel like I'm usually the one who introduces the new adult. Is this not the case for you? "DD, this is such-and-such"?


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## EyesOfTheWorld (Apr 20, 2004)

Wow - I was raised calling my parent's friends Miss Diane, Miss Pam, etc, and I continued it with my own kids by default. I seriously had no idea it bothered some people so much.

All my friends seem to be be fine with being called "Miss (or Mister) First Name", but I have several who don't reciprocate and I'm simply "Jenne" to thier children. I don't mind that either. To me, it's just the default I've been brought up with. But seriously, DON'T call me Mrs. Burch. That just makes me feel very, very old.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc* 

BTW, I don't care what other people's kids call me. Speaking of which, I'm confused by "my kids call adults what they want to be called." I feel like I'm usually the one who introduces the new adult. Is this not the case for you? "DD, this is such-and-such"?

Yes, we introduce adults by their first names, which is the cultural norm where I live. If a person said they would rather be called Miss whatever, we would obviously defer to that. Just as if someone introduced me by MIss whatever, I would instruct them to use my first name.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
Yes, we introduce adults by their first names, which is the cultural norm where I live. If a person said they would rather be called Miss whatever, we would obviously defer to that. Just as if someone introduced me by MIss whatever, I would instruct them to use my first name.

That's what we do, too, for the most part. We have one friend who started referring to herself as Mrs. D, so we've gone with that. We have another friend who started referring to himself as Uncle Carl, and we've not gone with that because he's not really an uncle. He refers to himself as Carl now; I think he went with Uncle first because that's who he is to his other friend's children.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kalkiwendy* 
Gotcha. Glad to hear it. Though, I think you'd have to admit that so often the characterization that I'm complaining about is rampant.

Sorry if I cam off defensive.









I understand why you reacted that way. I just wanted to make clear that what seems weird about it is that it seems obviously Southern in origin, and I'd expect it if I lived there because I'm aware that it's the norm there, but it seems odd up here where it isn't historically used. It strikes my ear as being foreign or something, and I just don't like it. I imagine if I grew up in the south it would sound normal to me and I might very well have a different opinion.

Anyway, I've sometimes wondered how the use of it crept up here. Like, was it just a move away from Mrs. Lastname but for people not comfortable with just Firstname? Or did some people move from the south to up here and bring that custom with them and did it catch on neighborhood by neighborhood? It seems like it's becoming more and more popular and I don't think it'll go away anytime soon. In fact, I'm 40 now, and younger moms seem to take to it more than I do generally speaking, which I think is evidence that it's becoming more popular. It's something I've thought about before this thread popped up.


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## twilight girl (Mar 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kalkiwendy* 
It signals both familiarity and respect.


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

My kids call adults by their first names except for teachers and those who we don't know well. I don't have any issues with it-in fact I think it's kind of ridiculous to see it as disrespectful for a child to call an adult by their first name-after all, it IS their name.


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## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

We do it constantly. We're in Texas. I had no idea people "hated" it and that it "annoyed them terribly". Damn, that's some serious emotion about some kids trying to be polite.







If an adult offers an alternative as a preference, then we always go with that. But wow...to be offended by a child calling you Miz Firstname when they first meet you? That's harsh.


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## AndVeeGeeMakes3 (Mar 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *daniedb* 
I had no idea people "hated" it and that it "annoyed them terribly". Damn, that's some serious emotion about some kids trying to be polite. wow...to be offended by a child calling you Miz Firstname when they first meet you? That's harsh.









:


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

I would find it extremely awkward.







I think there are regional differences operating here, and in this area being called Ms Firstname would be very odd. I have never seen a child in this generation not call adults simply by first names, that is how weird it would be to me.

That said, if you moved here and were my new friend I could totally understand your lil ones having different regional customs and I would be patient of course while they adjust.


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## *Kelly* (Apr 27, 2007)

I agree it is a regional thing, at least in part. Where I grew up in the South there were definately parents that preferred Ms. or Mrs. or whatever. In Oregon, even the kids teachers go by their first names!


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## burke-a-bee (Jan 8, 2005)

My kids only call adults Ms. and Mr. (first name) at school. Other than that not at all. It would be weird if kids called me Ms. (first name). Oh and my family is from the south and I don't ever remember call adults by Ms. (first name) and Mr. (first name).


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## Lula's Mom (Oct 29, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *daniedb* 
We do it constantly. We're in Texas. I had no idea people "hated" it and that it "annoyed them terribly". Damn, that's some serious emotion about some kids trying to be polite.







If an adult offers an alternative as a preference, then we always go with that. But wow...to be offended by a child calling you Miz Firstname when they first meet you? That's harsh.

ITA.

Whoever said it's our generation's compromise between the formal Ma'am/Mrs. Lastname and the completely casual Firstname- I think you've hit the nail on the head. I know I grew up calling adults Mrs. Lastname, but it would feel so odd to hear a child call _me_ that. I really just don't think of myself that way!

I also believe Miss Firstname intended as a sign of both familiarity and respect. I do agree with those of you who are saying that people should be addressed as they prefer, and I'd tell my kids it was all right to call you, and only you, by your first name if you asked. But on the flip side, I would find it very uncomfortable to correct an adult who introduced me to her children as "Kristi". I could not bring myself to say "Actually, I'd really like for you to call me _Miss_ Kristi- that's the way we do it around here!" I'd feel rude for correcting them that way, and I guess I'd just hope that the local culture would rub off on them.









I guess I'm a little perplexed by the thought of people being offended or annoyed or really deeply disturbed by the Miss Firstname custom. I can understand that it would sound funny to your ear if you were not used to it, just as an adult being called Firstname by a child around here would sound 'off'. But it wouldn't be upsetting, just different. Not a big deal...

And I wouldn't assume the child had no manners whatsoever, without proof of that in other ways. Whereas it seems like some are making assumptions that children who _do_ use Miss Firstname are in some way oppressed or not respected. Respect goes both ways, and around here, Miss Firstname is one of the ways kids show respect to adults.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I think you should really say what you preferred to be called, and not just ini these kinds of situations. It is odd to me to not say something.


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

I'm from the South orginally and perhaps my dislike for the practice stems from being forced as a child to show respect for anyone older than myself. And it's sort of hypocritical in a way, to my thinking, to use a first name but also a title.

Plus, I feel it's cutesy and I'm not a cutesy person









I don't care if anyone else does it but it's not something I encourage in my own child.


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## Mosaic (Jun 20, 2005)

I'm in the South, and people here do it. I think it's fine: never bothered me, though I grew up with Ms/Mr. LastName.

For my daughter, we're teaching her Don/Doña FirstName: though I personally don't like being called Doña Heather, it's easier for DD to say, and her teachers think it's adorable. Once she's in school I imagine it will change to Mr./Ms. LastName. Aw heck, she's not even 2 yet, so who knows what we'll end up using! I guess it all depends on the context and what's common.


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
....Anyway, I've sometimes wondered how the use of it crept up here. Like, was it just a move away from Mrs. Lastname but for people not comfortable with just Firstname? ....

My guess is that the custom moved North through pre-school and kindergarten teachers. I'm in your same age group (42) and from Ohio. When I was a kid, we called teachers and other adults Mrs. Lastname. (And few of us went to pre-school.) Now that so many kids go to pre-school, I think parents pick it up in the pre-school culture, and then it keeps going from there. (Play_group_ culture seems to be "Lisa's mom, Ellis's mom, etc.) Whatever the case, expect it to stay. PBSkids has "Miss Laurie." That means the custom will be heard nationally. Miss Laurie is actually a Mrs. Somebody, if I'm not mistaken...but that's not the point, now is it, LOL!

xoe
(....who prefers children call her Miss Firstname, Mrs. Lastname, "Aunt" Firstname, or Cousin Firstname. My image of a child who calls adults by their firstnames brings Bart Simpson to mind.)


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

At school dd calls the school nurse, aids and cafateria workers Mrs. Firstname. Out of school no I dont have them do it and I dont have them use Aunt Firstname or Uncle Firstname that drives me nuts personally.

This was new to me since as I was growing up we never said it that way for anyone. It was always Mr/Mrs lastname no matter who it was in school.

Outside school we always just called first names.

I am in East TN.


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

Quote:

I had no idea people "hated" it and that it "annoyed them terribly". Damn, that's some serious emotion about some kids trying to be polite. wow...to be offended by a child calling you Miz Firstname when they first meet you? That's harsh.

right on. talk about looking for things to be irritated by.


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## CawMama (Nov 4, 2005)

I am teaching ds to say "Mr.", "Mrs.", "Miss", just because that is how I was taught as a child. If the person has a rather hard last name, and they are ok with it, I will introduce them to ds as "Miss Susan" etc...


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