# I buried my would've been baby today



## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I'm not sure how to phrase that title. I feel that if I say I buried my baby, it would minimize all of those who lost fully-formed, full-term babies, which I did not. Really, I only lost an embryo at about 6 weeks gestational age. I'm not trying to minimize my loss, either, but it's not the same, I don't think.

Anyway, I picked up my embryo from the lab today with every intention of taking it to the funeral home to have it cremated. The problem came when I looked at it. It was nothing more than a gray blob of mush not even the size of pea. It seemed so silly to have that cremated. I'd get more ash from the plastic container than from the embryo. Instead, I came home and buried it under a tree in my back yard.

I'm alone doing this. My dh is deployed to Afghanistan. Even if he were here, I don't know that he'd be much comfort. He doesn't care the way I do. He didn't want another baby. He's been very caring and compassionate toward me about this loss. He's sorry for me because he knows how happy I was at the prospect of having another baby. He's not really sorry, though. He doesn't feel like he lost anything. That hurts me. I have family and friends who care, are sad for me, who try to help. But I don't have anyone who feels the loss of this baby the same way that I do.


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## Carolyn R (Mar 31, 2008)

So sorry for your loss...it doesn't matter how far along you were - you still loved and bonded with your baby. Allow yourself to grieve and heal - people may try to minimize your loss or say to move on, but here at MDC you will find a caring group of supportive moms. Did you give your baby a name? Wishing you lots of peace and healing, and again...so sorry.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

oh mama,

i've been thinking about you so much. please please PLEASE don't call your baby anything less than a real baby because you are afraid any of us will feel that our losses are minimized. we are all in pain over here, we all lost the promise of the future. don't minimize *your own* loss.

i recently read 'a piece of my heart' by molly fumia and there is a passage in there that might be helpful to you. it was helpful to me.

'Your pain is without comparison.

Although mourning a miscarriage or the death of a newborn is a different process than mourning the death of a teenager, or a spouse, or a grandmother, or ten strangers with whom we might identify, comparison is useless and deceptive. Faliing to appreciate the uniqueness of my pain, I was tempted time after time to devalue my feelings because I understood that others had suffered more.

There is a spectrum of grieving, but that truth has nothing to do with the individual occasion of loss.'

additionally, i'm so sorry that you feel that your husband doesn't understand. that's very difficult. i didn't feel that my husband completely understood my pain over our miscarriage several years ago either.

(((hugs)))

christie


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss...


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Thank you, everyone.

Christie ~ Everything you posted is so helpful. You are right. It doesn't matter when the loss happens. It's a loss of hope for the future. I lost the hope of having a little girl. I lost the hope of having just one more baby. I lost the hope that just this once things might be easy for me.

I hope I didn't make my dh sound awful. He's really trying to comfort me and I'm glad he's not pretending to feel something that he doesn't feel. But when he says he's sorry that _I_ lost the baby (as if he hasn't lost anything) because he knows how much _I_ wanted it and, even though another baby wasn't what he wanted or had planned for he was getting a little excited, he's not sad or sorry for himself at all, it just doesn't quite hit the spot. It may be that he's not allowing himself to really feel anything about it because he has other very important things that he needs to focus on (like keeping himself alive). He's never been very good at expressing feelings and that has only gotten worse as the years in the Marine Corps pass by. I'm sure if he were here, he'd hold me while I cried.

I forgot to answer about a name. I was going to name her Chloe because my 5yo insisted she was a girl and had given her that name. When I mentioned that to him he said he wanted to save that name for a live baby. So, now I'm waiting for the chromosomal testing results, which will tell me if it was a boy or girl, and then I'll give him/her a name.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

I'm sorry you lost your baby








You saw this baby in your future, you were excited and preparing mentally to have this baby in your life. Of course you have every right to be upset. It's very heartbreaking to think of what should've been. ((hugs)) You're in good company here.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Loss is loss... love is love.

I'm so sorry. It's really hard.


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## savvybabygrace (Feb 15, 2007)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. My heart and thoughts are with you, mama.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious little one.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I read this yesterday on another message board. I don't know who originally wrote it. I hope it's ok to post here.

What Not to Say

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

• Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

• Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

• Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

• Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

• Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

• Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

• Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

• Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

• Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

• Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

• Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

• Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

• Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

• Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

• Do say, "I have lit a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

• Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

• Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
_________________


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## saraztc (Jul 21, 2009)

I just found this board tonight and I read your story. First I wanted to say how sorry I am that you lost your baby. I too lost a baby 12/18/08. It was the day that I found out that my babies heartbeat had stopped. I was 8 weeks pregnant. She (I believe that she was a girl) had stopped growing at 6 weeks. I had a very difficult miscarriage that took about a month to complete. I also have three boys and this was our surprise baby. My husband did not want to have another baby. He was not upset when I found out about the pregnancy and seemed to be excited along with me and the boys but when we lost the baby he was not upset about the loss. Long story short he decided that he was done after much pleading from me to try again. ( I had a very hard time with the loss as I felt my family was not complete) he went and got a Vasectomy against my wishes. I have had a very hard time dealing with mourning the loss of my baby and the fact that I will never be pregnant again. My due date is on Friday the 24th and I feel like I am in denial. We have not spoken about the baby since the loss and the vasectomy. I like you explained, feel like I may be extreme to mourn a baby that was only 6 weeks and not full term or a baby that I never got to meet. Almost like I feel like it would be an over exagerration. Does that make sense? I am so glad to have found this board. I feel like I have kept to myself this last 7 months with noone who understands how I feel.

Sara
3 boys and my angel baby 12/08


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss. Take good care of yourself while your DH is in Afghanistan.


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## jillc512 (Aug 31, 2005)

My SIL sent me a card today that said,

"Nine days, nine weeks, nine months...a mother's heart knows not; for a mother's love grows right from the start."

My DH was out of town last week when I miscarried (just in another state, not halfway around the world). I cried with him before he left because I was spotting and was afraid I would lose the baby while he was gone, and he called me a few times a day over the week. But by the time he got back, the worst of it was over, and I don't think he understands that it's not over for me yet. Just because I got out of bed and got dressed today doesn't mean that I'm fine and everything is back to normal.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Marine Wife, did you get the test results back yet so you could name your baby?


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Thanks, Sara. I'm sorry for your loss, too. I love what Jill posted from that card. It's so true that a mother's love grows from the start. Most men don't feel the same because it's not tangible to them yet. They don't have that physical and hormonal connection with the growing baby that women do.

I'm also sorry that your dh got a vasectomy without your knowledge or agreement. I would be very upset with my dh if he did that. I don't think I'd be able to forgive him. It's not fair for one partner to make such a permanent decision without agreement from the other partner. Lots of other people have told me that I have to respect the fact that my dh says he doesn't want any more children. I agree. That's why I would never do anything to trick him into getting me pg. However, I don't understand why those people think that him not wanting more children trumps my desire to have more children. He needs to respect my feelings, as well, by at least leaving the possibility open.

Christy ~ I have not gotten any test results yet. I think it will be about another week at the lab. They will send the results to the OB I was seeing and he should call me to discuss them. I'm sure I will have another crying episode after that conversation. I have been thinking that I'd use the gender neutral name that was on my list of names, Ren. I've known girls and boys with that name.


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## colorclash (Jul 14, 2009)

I went through the same feelings of lonliness because my DH didn't feel sad the same way I did. I even resented him for awhile, because he has been living his life the same as always. Plus, he has two kids from previous relationships and I don't have any. When his daughter was here while I was miscarrying it was so hard to hear them play and her little voice saying "Daddy, daddy, daddy" I felt so alone. I am so sorry that your DH is away. I'm sure if he were there, he would feel things differently.


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## tibbi5 (Jul 18, 2009)

I have been reading these posts everynight, they are all very comforting...knowing that I am not alone. I haven't posted many of my own thoughts and grief, but it is hard. I just lost my baby boy at 18 weeks and there are so many questions left unanswered. I have been looking everywhere for signs that he and I will both be ok. I feel as though I am getting them, and I don't care if people think that coincidences don't add up to the real thing. Anyway, I came across a quote that is so appropriate for my situation and I thought that I would share in case it helps just one of you.....

"do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, for what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for"

For me, this helps because I also had a miscarriage between my second living child and my third living child...it was a dark, dark time for me, when my sweet baby was born into my arms....I felt light again. This loss is also horrific, but I have to believe there will be light again. These little babies are real from the beginning...as soon as a test is positive...for each of us we are their moms. I have 3 living children, but I am a mom to 6. I know that we will all be together again, and I believe that those of you who have lost will be with you little ones, also. I apologize if I don't sound sensitive...I really wish for none of us to feel so raw.....but just as each of my living children have changed me, so have the ones that I've lost. They are part of us forever and if we listen closely, they are whispering all around us.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

The fact that my dh doesn't feel the same way I do is very hard for me. Everyone else is sorry _for_ me. My dh is the one person who is supposed to be sorry _with_ me. So, when he says that he is sorry _for_ me, too, it hurts even though I know he's trying to comfort me.

I wish he would say that he's just plain sorry. I wish he'd say that he is sad. I wish he'd say that he misses our little baby, too. I wish he'd say he wants her back.

I wish I could just talk to him.

and now I am crying again...


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## mamallama (Nov 22, 2001)

I'm sorry it's so hard.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I am so sorry...

You know...there is this pervasive thing in many of us that wants to "remind" us that others have had it worse, and therefore, our pain is not as important, or that bad. I admit that I was raised by someone who would ask me if I needed something real to cry about in response to my tears...something in me never got over that injustice, and now, when I see myself, or another person questioning the validity of their loss, I just want to tell you that your loss and pain is no less significant or important than anyone elses, no matter how much worse an other's pain or loss seems to be.

My twins died at 22 weeks. They were not full term. I didn't even know that I was carrying twins until a month after the first one was still born when hemmorageing revealed that there was another dead baby inside. nice. great. All I could feel was outrage that I had lost twins when I would have been CRAZY for twins...I would have LOVED that magic! It made loseing the first feel even worse, and yet, at the time, I couldn't imagine anything worse.

It makes me think of my fathers words "It could be worse.." well..yes, it can. And sometimes it is. but we don't feel the worse until it is there, which makes the pain of now the worst!

I am sorry you feel so alone in your pain....I am glad you have the comfort of knowing we are all here...and we understand that your loss is huge. huge. You are understood. Your loss is deep. You buried your baby. Your tears are justified.

With love...


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
...there is this pervasive thing in many of us that wants to "remind" us that others have had it worse, and therefore, our pain is not as important, or that bad...

I am sorry you feel so alone in your pain....I am glad you have the comfort of knowing we are all here...and we understand that your loss is huge. huge. You are understood. Your loss is deep. You buried your baby. Your tears are justified.

I have tried 3 times now to respond to this but every time I read what I type it sounds so awful, selfish, self-centered...







:. I don't know, just not right. I just read your last post on your "choking out the words" thread so I'm going to try again.

I went to a woman's support group meeting today. It was the worst thing I have ever had to sit through. I was so angry. I could not choke out any words. I just sat and listened.

A couple women complained that their husbands were supposed to deploy but it kept getting pushed back so the guys were still here. They were complaining that their dhes were home! I would give just about anything just to talk to my dh...to have him actually home with me right now would be such a relief.

One woman complained that her dh would be home in a few months only to leave again after 30 days. Well, same here. He comes home in December and leaves again in January for 5 months. My baby was due in late January. I was supposed to be trying to figure out how to include him in our 3rd child's birth even if he's not home since there was no way to include him in our 2nd child's birth because he was in Iraq.

I didn't hear one complaint from any of these women that was worse than my situation, worse than what I am feeling. All of us in the military community have to deal with deployments. It's part of the life. If you can't handle it, you shouldn't have put yourself in it. That's not to say they aren't allowed to have their feelings of frustration and whatever else they feel about deployments. I just can't stand to hear them whine about how their plans have been all messed up because their husbands are still here or how hard it is to deal with life when their husbands are deployed. Yeah, we all go through it.

I wanted so badly to tell them about how I had just lost a baby. My dh was gone when it happened and is still gone. I have only been able to talk to my dh once for about 20 minutes since I found out I was going to lose my baby. I haven't been able to talk to him since I lost my baby. I don't know when I'll be able to talk to him again. I couldn't get the words out, though, because I knew I would cry and I couldn't allow myself to cry in front of these women.

I came home wishing I had someone to talk to. Someone I could tell everything to. All I have is the ability to write letters to my dh and wait for him to answer.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

First...let me just send this...









It is truley horrible that you are alone through all of this. You are so sad, and you are having to be braver and stronger than most ever have to be. Even the women who have other husbands in the service can't understand your pain because they are too absorbed in their own troubles and gripes about life. You, who have suffered a loss and are alone in your journey to cope with it, understandibly feel that their complaints are trivial.

I hear you.

I have been encouraged by many to "get back on the horse" and register for Fall classes at the University. I am very close to finishing my degree...very close. But...there IS something strong in me that feels outraged at the thought of having to be with a bunch of spoiled whiney "kids" who think that college is about everything but learning. I cringe at the thought of sitting in a discusion with people who have nothing to say, no understanding of life, and who really just want class to be over so they can drink some more, or play ultimate frisbee in bikini's on the green...I tire of professors who know less about the subject than I do. I am not very sympathetic when I hear kids complain about their grades when they don't even read the books....It all seems meaningless...dumb...a fake hoop to jump through to nowheresville.

sigh.

In short...I don't fit in...I have seen too much...lived too hard...and want much more. I don't feel like I can fake it anymore. I don't want to smile at people in the hall when I feel so empty! I don't want to listen to people complain about problems that are dwarfed by my very exsistance. I also don't want to seem callous and nasty.

When you are bleeding from a broken heart...everything else seems absolutly ridiculously trite!

More Hugs to you...I am so sorry....I have had friends who had husbands in the service...and I bow to you. I don't know how you do it. You are stronger than I could be in my wildest dreams...and I wish I could comfort you with a hug. Just know that you ARE understood here.

With love...







:


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
The fact that my dh doesn't feel the same way I do is very hard for me. Everyone else is sorry _for_ me. My dh is the one person who is supposed to be sorry _with_ me. So, when he says that he is sorry _for_ me, too, it hurts even though I know he's trying to comfort me.

You know what he means... but sometimes those things hurt, just silly thinks misspoken. My husband did some things like that, after, and I had to just take a deep breath and realize he meant well. He didn't get to carry the baby... a father loses the future.... a mother loses both the present (her baby in her womb, her personal experience) AND the future. There's such a difference.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Eb ~ I can relate to everything you wrote. I think you got it so perfect. The grips of everyday life seem so trite when you are grieving. I surprisingly did a very good thing for myself yesterday. I was so upset when I came home from that meeting that I couldn't stop crying. I finally caught my breath enough to call a woman from the group. It was some sort of intervention or something. I have never been able to tell even the peolpe closest to me when I am in so much pain but I told this woman whom I barely know.

As I was telling her what I was going through and how awful and alone I felt she told me she is 8 weeks pregnant and in the midst of going through a miscarriage. She is waiting for something to happen, just like I was a few short weeks ago. It was amazing. She knew exactly how I felt. This is her 3rd miscarriage. I knew exactly how she feels. How I managed to call her out of all the names on the list is a miracle, especially since she was not at the group yesterday because she doesn't want to leave the house (which I can completely understand). We talked for a really long time. I have felt better ever since.

Yea, M_Dawn. I know my dh was trying to comfort me. I know he does truly feel sad for me. He's worried about me. He wishes he could be here to hold while I cry. I don't fault him for his feelings or lack there of. I am lucky that he cares enough about me to care, ya know?


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