# DD not invited to friend's birthday party



## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

This is a neighbor friend who we are quite close. Our families hang out often, kids play outside, girls sit next to each other on the bus to school, do weekly family BBQ's and pool parties, etc. My DD wasn't invited to her birthday party and I can't figure out why. The other 4 girls on the street were. The ONLY thing I can come up with is that because my DD is a year younger, she was inviting only kids from her class/grade? I'm at a loss and feel really bad for my DD when she finds this out. I was thinking about asking the mom, since we are also friends. Something like "Hey, I realized that O wasn't invited to G's birthday. Is there any particular reason why?" What do you all think? Is it appropriate to ask the mom or should I just leave it alone? Not sure how to soften the blow for DD when she finds this out...

Thanks!


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## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

Given the relationship, I would probably ask. How did you find out about the party and who was invited? I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation and perhaps once you know why, it will be easier to relay same to your DD.


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

That sucks! I have no advice. I hope some one else has better advice for you!


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## lovingmommyhood (Jul 28, 2006)

I would definitely ask!


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CatsCradle*
> 
> Given the relationship, I would probably ask. How did you find out about the party and who was invited? I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation and perhaps once you know why, it will be easier to relay same to your DD.


It was being dicussed at the bus stop this morning. The kids were talking about getting the invitation. DD didn't hear them but I did. I think I will ask the mom tomorrow at the bus stop. I just feel so sorry for DD. She's going to be heartbroken when she realizes she's been left out.


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## JollyGG (Oct 1, 2008)

I would casually ask for a couple of reasons:

1. To help explain it to DD.

2. If there has been some sort of "falling out" I would want know, as one of my roles as a parent is to help my child learn to navigate conflict..

3. If the invitation was sent but never received. If all the other girls got there invitations yesterday it could just be that DD hasn't received hers yet.


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## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamatoablessing*
> 
> It was being dicussed at the bus stop this morning. The kids were talking about getting the invitation. DD didn't hear them but I did. I think I will ask the mom tomorrow at the bus stop. I just feel so sorry for DD. She's going to be heartbroken when she realizes she's been left out.


Keep us updated. I know that DD's school has a policy that you have to invite everyone in the class or no one at all. I understand this and have no problem with it, but at the same time, if you have limited space and/or resources, it sort of narrows the field for inviting non-class friends. We had DD's last birthday at a puppet theatre with very limited space. I was wringing my hands the whole time because once I sent the invites to the classmates, I had to really be careful with the other people we would have invited if there had been more space. It doesn't help either, when parents don't RSVP (either at all or not in a timely fashion). I know my own DD would have trouble understanding why she wouldn't be invited, especially if it was a common and close relationship.


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now. It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I dd it very gently). Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids. My DD didn't make the cut. It sucks and I'm bitter. I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive. I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt. But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything.


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## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamatoablessing*
> 
> Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now. It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I dd it very gently). Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids. My DD didn't make the cut. It sucks and I'm bitter. I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive. I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt. But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything.


Aww, I had a feeling it would be something like that. You're right that disappointment is part and parcel of life, but it doesn't make it any easier. Actually, this is probably harder for you than it will be for your DD. Hugs.


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## Katwoman (Apr 15, 2004)

I'm sorry that you're feeling bitter about it. I'm wondering how much extra you'd be willing to spend to make sure no one's feelings are hurt. (I'm not asking in actual money.) But you never know their circumstances. What if the girl having the party has 10 friends from school, three of them belong to the group of 7 friends from church, one belongs to the group of 15 in the neighborhood. At what point do you cut it off? Make your DD have a party she doesn't want because her first choice is too expensive? Or teach the birthday girl the value of choices? You can have your first choice of the expensive party, but then we can only afford to have 6 girls come. The birthday girl then has to choose what she wants to do.

When you discuss it with your DD, I'd make sure to remind her that there is no way to know how hard it was for the birthday girl to make the choices she did. That it doesn't have to be personal against your DD at all, even though it feels like.

I get that your feelings are hurt and you have a right to those feelings. I just think things are not always so straight forward. Especially when the children in the social group start making choices for themselves.

As an aside, I was the child growing up with the mother who didn't want anyone to feel left out. I would routinely have 20-30 kids at my parties. It wasn't fun for me. I wasn't an extroverted child to begin with. Then on my birthday my Mom was busy getting ready and having the party. I never spent time with my Mom. I always was glad when it was over.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

It's too late now, but I wouldn't ask. It's up to the birthday kid and the parents who gets invited and you have no idea the reasoning behind it.

I'd really hate to get that phone call and be forced to say "hey, yeah I don't have enough money for your kid to go". And now you're upset over it. What did you want the mom to do? This girl probably has other friends who would have liked to go as well, so setting a number was a good idea on her part. She obviously couldn't invite everyone. I'd be really careful to not put your feelings about this on your daughter. She didn't get invited to a party. It happens to everyone and as much as it sucks to watch it happen to your kid, it's the way it goes. I don't think it's worth ending a friendship over though.

We had my son's last birthday at a go-kart place. At $30 a kid, I had to put a limit on who he could invite because he would have invited everyone he knew.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

It could just be the age thing. Or maybe what they were doing wasnt something your DD enjoyed?


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## babymommy2 (May 14, 2009)

I wouldn't have asked either. Awkward! I wouldn't want to be on the recieving end of that call, that is really unpleasant. And I wouldn't want to be the one making that call, it really comes across as desperate! Also I don't think that there is anything that mom could have said to make you feel better, so I am not sure why you would want to call anyways unless it was that you hoped she would change her mind and invite your daughter. Most likely some day you and your daughter will be in the same boat, not being able to invite everyone. It is just one of those things, sometimes you get invited and sometimes you don't.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamatoablessing*
> 
> Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now. It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I dd it very gently). Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids. My DD didn't make the cut. It sucks and I'm bitter. I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive. I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt. But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything.


Oh my gosh I would have been so humiliated had someone done this to me.

This is one of the reasons I hate doing parties. It becomes less about my child and her wishes and more about other kids "rights" or entitlment to be invited to something I am paying for.


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## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *babymommy2*
> 
> I wouldn't have asked either. Awkward! I wouldn't want to be on the recieving end of that call, that is really unpleasant. And I wouldn't want to be the one making that call, it really comes across as desperate! Also I don't think that there is anything that mom could have said to make you feel better, so I am not sure why you would want to call anyways unless it was that you hoped she would change her mind and invite your daughter. Most likely some day you and your daughter will be in the same boat, not being able to invite everyone. It is just one of those things, sometimes you get invited and sometimes you don't.


I got the impression that OP and her neighbors were good friends and that the kids were together a lot. I don't see OP's call as desperate, and given the relationship, I personally wouldn't have been offended or felt anything unpleasant about a friend calling me about this. I got the impression that this situation was much different than a mere casual one. I don't know, I've seen and experienced wedges in friendships when people can't be upfront about something.

Actually, if I had been in OP's friend's position, I might have spoken to OP beforehand to let her know what was going on. I've learned the hard way that transparency can sometimes be very useful.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

I wouldn't have asked. How awkward!

The girl's invite list was limited to 6 kids, and apparently she has 6 kids she's closer to than your DD. I can see feeling mild disappointment on behalf of your DD, but I can't get behind being bitter over it. This is your chance to teach your DD how to put things like this in perspective, and if you teach her that it's A Huge Deal or something that could ruin a friendship, it could do her a disservice.

My DS hasn't always been invited to every single one of his friends' birthday parties, and we just treat it matter of factly: "Oh, maybe they could only invite a certain number of guests. Oh well, let's take him out for ice cream the next time he comes over!" We also don't invite everyone we know to every party we have -- as someone else said, where do you draw the line? Classmates, neighbors, family friends, and church friends can add up pretty fast when everyone is thinking that the hosts should have room for "just one more."


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## lovingmommyhood (Jul 28, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CatsCradle*
> 
> I got the impression that OP and her neighbors were good friends and that the kids were together a lot. I don't see OP's call as desperate, and given the relationship, I personally wouldn't have been offended or felt anything unpleasant about a friend calling me about this. I got the impression that this situation was much different than a mere casual one. I don't know, I've seen and experienced wedges in friendships when people can't be upfront about something.
> 
> Actually, if I had been in OP's friend's position, I might have spoken to OP beforehand to let her know what was going on. I've learned the hard way that transparency can sometimes be very useful.


ITA it's not like this woman was a total stranger, they're friends. I would have NO problem asking a friend this.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

OP, I can totally understand how you feel, bitter and all. I think sometimes our feelings of disappointment or sadness are magnified many times over when we are watching our kids experience a tough time. It sounds like you are close to your neighbor, so I see no reason why you shouldn't have talked with her about it. Also, if the party was going to be limited, the birthday girl should have been instructed that in order to not hurt other kids' feelings, that she shouldn't be discussing the party in front of kids who weren't invited. As an adult, I would never do that, and kids should be taught the same thing. It just isn't kind or thoughtful. I am sorry your DD has to go through this and I hope it ends up being easier on her than you are expecting.


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CatsCradle*
> 
> I got the impression that OP and her neighbors were good friends and that the kids were together a lot. I don't see OP's call as desperate, and given the relationship, I personally wouldn't have been offended or felt anything unpleasant about a friend calling me about this. I got the impression that this situation was much different than a mere casual one. I don't know, I've seen and experienced wedges in friendships when people can't be upfront about something.
> 
> Actually, if I had been in OP's friend's position, I might have spoken to OP beforehand to let her know what was going on. I've learned the hard way that transparency can sometimes be very useful.


Thank you for this. Yes, we are close friends so not just a casual classmate at school or something. I admit the conversation wasn't easy but I'm glad I did it. Otherwise I never would've known why DD wasn't invited.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> OP, I can totally understand how you feel, bitter and all. I think sometimes our feelings of disappointment or sadness are magnified many times over when we are watching our kids experience a tough time. It sounds like you are close to your neighbor, so I see no reason why you shouldn't have talked with her about it. Also, if the party was going to be limited, the birthday girl should have been instructed that in order to not hurt other kids' feelings, that she shouldn't be discussing the party in front of kids who weren't invited. As an adult, I would never do that, and kids should be taught the same thing. It just isn't kind or thoughtful. I am sorry your DD has to go through this and I hope it ends up being easier on her than you are expecting.


Thank you also. While I'm not necessarily looking for validation it's nice to read others who also might feel the same way as I do.

The mom was surprised that it was already being discussed at the bus this morning and I have a feeling she will be asking her daughter to keep is on the down low.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

We had a situation like that when my DD was younger. It was our next door neighbor who she played with pretty much every day, and the party was in the kid's yard. But my DD wasn't invited because she was one year younger and the mom decided to stick with just school friends. The mom was my friend and we spoke often on the phone.

It was ...... absurd.

My DD was heartbroken. There wasn't a way for her to not find out about the party. And yeah, as my DD was crying about not being invited to the party of the girl who she considered her best friend, I was pretty p*ssed. It seemed really unnecessary.

I did talk to the other mom about it and asked what the deal was. If you are friends, it's good to know what is going on and to let them know who things effect your kid.

It did really change our perceptions of the friendship. My DD found at the other girl didn't consider her an important friend, which hurt at the time but was good to know, and I found that the other mom didn't really care about my DD's feelings, which also hurt to find out but was good to know.

We got a little clearer picture of reality. That was a clearly a friendship that was more important to me and my DD than it was to the other mom or her DD. Ouch.

We generally go over board on making sure kids' feeling don't get hurt about parties. Last year, when my DD turned 12, she wanted to add a line on the invites that if you had a sibling who would enjoy a jumping castle and pizza, they were welcome to come.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *limabean*
> 
> I wouldn't have asked. How awkward!
> 
> The girl's invite list was limited to 6 kids,


Which the OP didn't know until...she made the call!!


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Irishmommy*
> 
> Which the OP didn't know until...she made the call!!


True. But she already knew the reason -- her neighbor's DD wanted other kids at the party more than she wanted the OP's DD at the party. Disappointing, yes, I can understand that. But the answer to, "Why didn't you invite me?" is always going to be a really awkward and trying-to-be-nice version of, "Umm, because we didn't want to..." so, IMO, it only makes things really uncomfortable for both people and isn't very useful.


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## lindberg99 (Apr 23, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamatoablessing*
> 
> Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now. It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I dd it very gently). Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids. My DD didn't make the cut. It sucks and I'm bitter. I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive. I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt. But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything.


I've found that these things usually bother *me* more than they ever did my DD. She's said stuff about not being invited to parties because the kid could only have X number of people and not been upset and one time she was on a "wait list" to go to a slumber party. She could only go if the birthday girl's cousin couldn't come. I was thinking that the kid was really rude for telling DD that! But DD didn't care. Of course, DD is pretty analytical over being emotional (lots of engineer types on both sides of the family) so I think she accepts number limits easily, those things probably would have bothered me even as a child.

I can see the 6 kids rule but it does seem kind of harsh that she invited everyone else from the neighborhood but your DD. That would make me more upset than if it had been a couple from the neighborhood and some from church, sports team, etc. It's sort of the equivalent of inviting all the girls from school except 1, you know?


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## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *limabean*
> 
> True. But she already knew the reason -- her neighbor's DD wanted other kids at the party more than she wanted the OP's DD at the party. Disappointing, yes, I can understand that. But the answer to, "Why didn't you invite me?" is always going to be a really awkward and trying-to-be-nice version of, "Umm, because we didn't want to..." so, IMO, it only makes things really uncomfortable for both people and isn't very useful.


Respectfully, but she didn't know why her DD didn't get an invite. I thought that was the whole reason that she posted here...and inquired as to whether she should ask. And, I don't think the OP really detailed what she asked exactly. I think it is perfectly reasonable that if at the bus stop, other children were discussing the party being held by a known "close" friend and the DD wasn't invited, then one could inquire about specifics. Again, this isn't about casual relationships. Maybe I just have higher expectations about how friends (the adults) should communicate to each other. I'm not saying this to be snarky, it is how I really feel, especially if the children are going to be talking about it without regard to the uninvited children. I would expect more of my own DD, at least that she would keep it under wraps or that there would be an expectation that she would be more empathetic of her uninvited friends.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I would not ask, though of course it's too late now. But really there are tons of reasons why other kids might be invited but not your child. This is just part of life, and sometime your child will have to make hard choices about who to invite to a party too. No one is entitled to go to someone's party, and this is something that will come up again, so it's probably best to relax about it and not make a big deal about it in front of your dd, as she'll decide how big a deal it is from your reaction.


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## Veronika01 (Apr 16, 2007)

We were in a similar situation recently. We are new in the country and lived with this family for a month before finding our own place. Their youngest daughter is very spoiled, but since she's the only child my children interacted with on a regular basis, they considered her a good friend. The last time we saw them, on my daughter's birthday when we took over some birthday cake, she was telling them about her upcoming party saying "You guys should come!" From her mother's comments it was clear my children weren't invited. Eventually, the party rolled around and we didn't hear anything, as expected. It didn't stop me from feeling a bit angry towards the mother for not inviting my kids. Later, she posted pics claiming to be of her daughter and her two "best friends". I found that odd, because I'd never even heard these two girls mentioned before. It's fine though. They ruined my daughter's small third birthday celebration by constant fighting and name calling between the older brothers and the youngest girl's loud and constant commentary during the cake cutting and present opening. It was an unpleasant experience heaped on top of many other unpleasant experiences and they will not be invited to any future parties. My kids though, couldn't have cared less. I'm very sorry that your daughter wasn't invited. {{ hugs }}


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CatsCradle*
> Respectfully, but she didn't know why her DD didn't get an invite. I thought that was the whole reason that she posted here...and inquired as to whether she should ask. And, I don't think the OP really detailed what she asked exactly. I think it is perfectly reasonable that if at the bus stop, other children were discussing the party being held by a known "close" friend and the DD wasn't invited, then one could inquire about specifics. Again, this isn't about casual relationships. Maybe I just have higher expectations about how friends (the adults) should communicate to each other. I'm not saying this to be snarky, it is how I really feel, especially if the children are going to be talking about it without regard to the uninvited children. I would expect more of my own DD, at least that she would keep it under wraps or that there would be an expectation that she would be more empathetic of her uninvited friends.


Fair enough -- no snark detected.









I know she didn't know all the ins and outs of why she didn't receive an invitation -- I guess I just meant that ... there's really only one reason, you know? To me it's not necessary, and would actually be more hurtful, to have it spelled out.

I agree that the girls should have been instructed not to talk about the party in front of people who weren't invited. Maybe they were but they forgot because they were excited, who knows. I would expect more of my kids too, but for me there's a large gap of understandable behavior between what I would expect of my kids and what would anger me for other kids to do.


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## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *limabean*
> 
> Fair enough -- no snark detected.
> 
> ...


Thanks Limabean! I hardly ever multi-post in one thread and don't know why I got so caught up in this one. OP, I guess you hit a nerve?


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

I'm sorry, OP. My DS has had his feelings hurt because he hasn't been invited to birthday parties. It sucks and really hurt me, too.

I would personally rather have a cheaper, simpler birthday (cake and games at home) than exclude kids who are good friends of my DS. That being said, maybe this is really what the girl wanted and she was willing to exclude her other friends. That's sad, but there's nothing you can do about it.

I know it's always hard (for adults and children!) when we realize that people we really like don't like us quite as much as we like them. I've been on both sides of that equation, as haz my DS. You just have to learn to navigate it as best you can, and help your DC navigate it too. Plus, friendships are pretty fluid in the elementary school years. They could be best friends again next month.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *limabean*
> But the answer to, "Why didn't you invite me?" is always going to be a really awkward and trying-to-be-nice version of, "Umm, because we didn't want to..." so, IMO, it only makes things really uncomfortable for both people and isn't very useful.


I think it is useful to ask, either the child asking the child, which of course will happen with children, or the mother asking the other mother, just to get a heads up on how to handle it with her child. I mean it could have been an oversight, or a misplaced invitation. I've had miscommunications with invitations before, or not invited people because I thought they wouldn't come, but if they wanted to come and called me, I'd have certainly invited them. So you never know. In this case I probably would have felt it was a little more understandable--it seems kind of like a peer group thing as much as a cost thing--so I'd have said, "Oh sure, that makes sense, thanks for telling me." And then I'd probably figure that this child had certain ideas in place, and my daughter didn't fit into the plan. You don't want to read too much into it, but at the same time it's good to know.

I know my own daughter would struggle over the guest list for her party, sometimes only wanting to invite people she really liked, but other times trying to get a good mix of people who got along, at the exclusion of another friend, who she'd invite over for another type of celebration since she knew this girl would prefer that. She just turned 12 yesterday and didn't have a party this year. She and I went out to dinner alone.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> Also, if the party was going to be limited, the birthday girl should have been instructed that in order to not hurt other kids' feelings, that she shouldn't be discussing the party in front of kids who weren't invited. As an adult, I would never do that, and kids should be taught the same thing. It just isn't kind or thoughtful.


Of course, it may not have been the bday girl who brought it up. Little kids talk about things they're excited over. And bday girl's Mom can't control what the other kids talk about.

Seriously - this isn't an uncommon life situation. I've been through it with both of mine (as well as myself). It's a good time to teach them that, just because we're friends, we don't always do everything together. Sometimes I want to do something with one friend (or several) that I don't want to do with another. And that's actually okay.

I work with a young man who was apparently raised thinking that friends *always* do things together. He frequently gets upset and angry if a friend has plans with someone else on a night he wants to do something. It's not pretty. Nor is it conducive to a friendship.


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## sahli29 (Jan 23, 2004)

Even if the mom did not ask I am guessing the dd would have. I think it is good that the mom knows so she can discuss it with her dd.Her dd might not have gotten the same response/answer from the b-day girl. Hope she handles it well.Atleast it won't be at the house and after a few days there will be little talk of it at school. I would take dd out somewhere to keep her mind off it.My kids are OK with not attending parites,but it does bother them when they hear kids talking about it before/after the event.


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## lindberg99 (Apr 23, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mtiger*
> 
> I work with a young man who was apparently raised thinking that friends *always* do things together. He frequently gets upset and angry if a friend has plans with someone else on a night he wants to do something. It's not pretty. Nor is it conducive to a friendship.


This is OT but my DD has a 7th grade classmate like this. She & my DD aren't really friends but I give her a ride home from school a few times a week. She became good friends with one of the other girls in my carpool. Then she got really mad at her because the other girl didn't invite her to a cupcake decorating class. She was mad for WEEKS and would not even speak to the other girl on the way home. I wonder if she will grow up to be like your coworker.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mtiger*
> 
> Of course, it may not have been the bday girl who brought it up. Little kids talk about things they're excited over. And bday girl's Mom can't control what the other kids talk about.
> 
> ...


All kids should be taught this, birthday kid or not. To me, it is part of teaching your child to be thoughtful and considerate.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> All kids should be taught this, birthday kid or not. To me, it is part of teaching your child to be thoughtful and considerate.


You mean not to talk about parties in front of people who aren't invited? I don't think you'll find anyone arguing otherwise. I think the poster you quoted was just saying that the birthday kid's mom can't control what the invitees talk about. It would be great if all parents would teach their children that social courtesy, and if all kids would remember, but that's just not realistic, so inevitably these disappointing situations will happen, and kids need to learn how to cope with that disappointment.


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## chel (Jul 24, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *DariusMom*
> 
> I'm sorry, OP. My DS has had his feelings hurt because he hasn't been invited to birthday parties. It sucks and really hurt me, too.
> 
> ...


Even simple at home parties usually have limits. No reason to think that if the host family would have been more frugal things would have been different.

I've done large and small parties with dd1 and she has been to both types. She enjoys smaller parties so much more. With large parties there is very little interactions between the birthday child and the guest.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mtiger*
> 
> Seriously - this isn't an uncommon life situation. I've been through it with both of mine (as well as myself). It's a good time to teach them that, just because we're friends, we don't always do everything together. Sometimes I want to do something with one friend (or several) that I don't want to do with another. And that's actually okay.


I think that 's a great thing to teach your kids.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Quote:


> I know that DD's school has a policy that you have to invite everyone in the class or no one at all.


Slightly OT, but how on earth do they police that?? Would a child actually get... I dunno, put in detention or something... for having a party at her own home, outside school hours, and not inviting the whole class (including, quite possibly, the class bully)? That seems insane to me. How is it the school's business? I can understand, maybe, a "No passing out invitations at school" rule, but it seems pretty fascist to dictate a child's social engagements outside school time. (And no doubt this reflects badly on my childhood self, but I would rather have had no birthday party at all than invite all the boys in my class...)

OP: Ah, yes, birthdays. They are a minefield. I remember once not inviting our next-door neighbor girl to a birthday party, simply because, although we played together fairly often out of lack of other options, we didn't actually like each other all that much.  Unfortunately she turned up in the middle of the party, felt left out among all my friends and went home again, whereupon Mum made me go around and ask her back again... The drama of childhood, huh? And I only had two birthday parties until I was 14. If I'd had one a year I probably wouldn't have a friend left in the world! I remember waiting anxiously for an invitation from a girl I actively disliked, just because I didn't want to be left out. It can be a pretty messed-up system. I'm glad DD's birthdays fall in good weather - so far our parties have all been very casual "invite all the adults and families she and we like for a potluck picnic in the park" dos, and it's AWESOME. But I guess one day life will get more complicated - she's only three!


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## bobandjess99 (Aug 1, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CatsCradle*
> 
> Keep us updated. *I know that DD's school has a policy that you have to invite everyone in the class or no one at all.* I understand this and have no problem with it, but at the same time, if you have limited space and/or resources, it sort of narrows the field for inviting non-class friends. We had DD's last birthday at a puppet theatre with very limited space. I was wringing my hands the whole time because once I sent the invites to the classmates, I had to really be careful with the other people we would have invited if there had been more space. It doesn't help either, when parents don't RSVP (either at all or not in a timely fashion). I know my own DD would have trouble understanding why she wouldn't be invited, especially if it was a common and close relationship.


I assume your child does not go to a public school? Because no public school could possibly enforce such a thing, and the fact that one might have even tried to MAKE such a rule in the first place makes me furious.


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## syn_ack89 (Oct 1, 2007)

At my son's school, the policy is ... If you intend to pass out invitations at school, you have to invite the whole class or all just boys or all just girls. If you send out invites through the mail, hand deliver, whatever, you can invite who you want. I think it is reasonable.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Quote:


> At my son's school, the policy is ... If you intend to pass out invitations at school, you have to invite the whole class or all just boys or all just girls. If you send out invites through the mail, hand deliver, whatever, you can invite who you want. I think it is reasonable.


Yeah, I don't have as much of a problem with that... but I still wonder how they'd enforce it. Do you know if it's ever come up?


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *chel*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Sure. I don't want 30 kids in my (small) backyard!









My comment was based on the assumption, as reported by the OP, that her daughter wasn't invited because this birthday party was pricey (around $25 per child) and had it not been so expensive, daughter would have been invited. Now . .. who knows? I mean, that could have been the other mom's excuse (though I don't think it's very comforting to hear, "Your kid isn't worth the $." ) and the OP's daughter wouldn't have been invited no matter what.

However, if my DS had to chose between an expensive birthday party which meant having to strike off 3 or 4 good friends from the list, or a less expensive party which meant being able to include them, I'd encourage him to go for the less expensive birthday. It should be about celebrating with friends, not about young children having an "event".

All this is predicated, of course, on how long the girl's invitation list would have been and we just can't know that. So I don't see any point in going back and forth about it. The OP's daughter wasn't invited, that sucks, and I hope she can get over it and move on.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I've actually come to the conclusion that we're less likely to have kids feel left out the smaller the party. My dd can either invite her 4 absolute closest friends, or she'd have to invite like 40 kids to be inclusive. So I'm all about having fewer kids and being willing to spend more on each one. The fewer kids invited, the less potential for chatter, too. The key is that inviting more kids doesn't solve this problem. There will always be kids who feel left out when there is a birthday party. This is just a fact of life, and it's something kids have to learn to navigate. I think we need to help our kids understand this rather than get the birthday kids' parents involved.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *syn_ack89*
> 
> At my son's school, the policy is ... If you intend to pass out invitations at school, you have to invite the whole class or all just boys or all just girls. If you send out invites through the mail, hand deliver, whatever, you can invite who you want. I think it is reasonable.


At the public school my kids attended last year, the teachers would put sealed invitations into kids' mailboxes with their papers to go home, so you could invite just who you wanted to without it being obvious. If you wanted to invite kids from other rooms, you could give the invites to the school secretary, who would give them to the teacher, who put them in the child's mail box. The school was super nice about it.

Children were not allowed to pass out invitations at school. Being nasty about party invitations was considered a form of bullying. The school did a nice job of it -- making it easy to be subtle.

Today I have to check on the policy at our new school. DD's party is right around the corner, and there is a girl she really doesn't want to invite (because she is unpleasant and bossy) and she really doesn't want to hurt her feelings either.


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## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bobandjess99*
> 
> I assume your child does not go to a public school? Because no public school could possibly enforce such a thing, and the fact that one might have even tried to MAKE such a rule in the first place makes me furious.


I should clarify my first post where I say that my DD's school has a policy regarding invites to all in the class or none at all. Like another PP mentioned above, I can't pass out invites (at school) and let me repeat (at school) to only certain kids at school. You can mail them or whatever or keep mum about how you invite (like talk to parents individually), you just can't bring in invites for certain kids and have the teacher pass them out to only a few. No boogey man is going to come after us if we send invites privately. My DD goes to a small private school and has been with the same kids for three years. Kids talk so they are going to find about "private" invites anyway, but the school doesn't want to put itself in the position of handing out invites only to certain kids. I can understand that. Our problem is that DD goes to a school in a different neighborhood and while I know parents by first name and all, I don't have personal relationships with some of the parents of DD's school friends. Often the best and most efficient way to do invites is to have them passed out at school.

Well, another lesson learned about carefully phrasing what I say here.


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## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Smokering*
> 
> Yeah, I don't have as much of a problem with that... but I still wonder how they'd enforce it. Do you know if it's ever come up?


I don't know how they would enforce it with the older kids (sneaking invites to certain classmates) but all stuff coming into the school for the preschoolers and kindergarteners and lower classes have to go through the teacher. I personally don't know of any kids in DD's preschool/kindergarten class who would try to work the system, per se, in order to get around the policy. In addition, parents choose to send their kids there, and get the policies at the beginning of the year. As far as the idea of "enforcement" of certain policies, the school isn't looking to punish anyone if someone happens to forget about the policy or attempt to work around it. It's just not that kind of place. They hope that their system of doing things would be honoured and I think most of the parents will do their best to recognize same. It's a Montessori school and I've never gotten the vibe that things are "enforced" or that there's all kind of rule breaking going on. Parents are generally pretty good about sticking with the program.


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## chel (Jul 24, 2004)

My dd1 just received a birthday invite in school. I'm sure the school has the same type of rule. Dd laughed about how quiet the other child was, whispering the entire time. At this age kids can be fairly tact full. So following the spirit of the law.


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## hjdmom24 (Mar 1, 2008)

The policy at my kids school is to not pass out invitations at school but a parent puts together a school directory at the beginning of the year with addresses and phone numbers (of those who choose to be included). I think that is a good way to do it. No matter how cheap a birthday party is there is no way I could invite and supervise a whole class and if my kids couldn't invite classmates they would have no one to invite.

As for the OP although I would not have the guts to do it I don't see anything wrong with calling and asking a good friend..especially since we did have a situation where my child was invited but never received the invitation. If I would have called she wouldn't have missed the party.


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## junipermuse (Nov 1, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *limabean*
> 
> But she already knew the reason -- her neighbor's DD wanted other kids at the party more than she wanted the OP's DD at the party. Disappointing, yes, I can understand that. But the answer to, "Why didn't you invite me?" is always going to be a really awkward and trying-to-be-nice version of, "Umm, because we didn't want to..." so, IMO, it only makes things really uncomfortable for both people and isn't very useful.


I haven't read all the replies yet but I just wanted to say, this just isn't true. There was a very good chance that the invite could have been lost. This actually happened to a friend of mine with regards to my dh's 30th b-day bash. Luckily she asked about it, so I was able to correct the situation, otherwise she might have been hurt and I'd have never known. Plus I do think it helps other times to know the reason. I made a point of letting my close friends know that we were having a very small "girly" dress-up party and so were only inviting girls to the party (to cut down the guest list and focus only on the kids who would enjoy the theme the most) and that's why I hadn't invited them. I obviously didn't say anything in front of the kids, but I wanted the mamas to know, so they weren't wondering if I was angry with them or didn't want their child at the party.

Frankly, I think its unkind to exclude a close friend especially when all the the other members of the same social circle are included. If you can't afford the money for everyone in the group to have a manicure and pedicure, there are tons of other options that are less hurtful. The birthday girl could have all the neighbor girls over for cake and ice cream and presents and then on another day, she could go with one friend to get a manicure and pedicure. Or the mom's could all give mani/pedis to the girl themselves (I helped my neighbor out at party like this for her daughter and the girls all had fun). Or perhaps the kids could get pedicures only so it would be less expensive. As an adult I would never choose to hurt a friend's feelings over $25. If I can't afford to spend the extra money for one more person I would find a way to throw a cheaper party. I think we set a bad example for our children when we let them put their desire for the "perfect" party above being a good friend. Now I'm honestly not suggesting that you have to invite everyone you know, nor should a child have to invite someone they honestly don't like. But I think when inviting members of the same social circle, it should be pointed out to the birthday child that if she leaves out only one child from a particular group, while all the others are invited, the person left out, is going to be left with hurt feelings. I'm really sorry that happened to your dd, OP.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *junipermuse*
> 
> Frankly, I think its unkind to exclude a close friend especially when all the the other members of the same social circle are included. If you can't afford the money for everyone in the group to have a manicure and pedicure, there are tons of other options that are less hurtful.


Totally agree with this.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CatsCradle*
> 
> As far as the idea of "enforcement" of certain policies, the school isn't looking to punish anyone if someone happens to forget about the policy or attempt to work around it. It's just not that kind of place. They hope that their system of doing things would be honoured and I think most of the parents will do their best to recognize same.


That's similar to the private school my kids attend, which runs through high school. Parents choose and pay for the school, and the kids feel lucky to be there. It's not like everyone is trying to work around the system -- they are there partly because it's a sane environment!

The public middle school my kids was at last year really worked on the birthday invite issue too, because it is an issue and kids' feelings do get hurt. The school helped with the subtle distribution of invites, but couldn't give out contact information.

This year our new private school is also sensitive about the issue, but handles it the other way around. They give out contact information, but won't touch the invites. Both schools see the need to keep things sensitive.

In neither school could kids openly invite some students but not others.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> Totally agree with this.


I disagree. WHy do I have to work around eveyrone elses children? Thats not fair to my child at all. IF my child wants a party at a salon, why do I have to tell her "Sorry honey, but some kids at school may be upset that they cant go, so you need to do something you dont really want to do to spare your entire classes feelings"

I think we are raising kids to have a sense of entitlement that will make life alot more difficult for them in the long run.

Not every child is entitled to come to a birthday party. Thats not cruel, that how life works. You are not always going to be able to do things you want, go places you want and be included all the time. Why teach our kids that they will be?

If I cant afford to invite the neighbourhood, but can afford to invite the friends she chooses.......why should I have to tell my child she cant have the party she wants?

I would never hand out invites infront of other kids. I would call their parents. But I have a severe issue with this sense of entitlement our kids are displaying.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *beenmum*
> 
> I disagree. WHy do I have to work around eveyrone elses children? Thats not fair to my child at all. IF my child wants a party at a salon, why do I have to tell her "Sorry honey, but some kids at school may be upset that they cant go, so you need to do something you dont really want to do to spare your entire classes feelings"


She didn't say "entire class." She said "close friend especially when all the the other members of the same social circle are included."

I agree that there's no need to invite the entire class or everyone you know, but I think that if you can't invite your close friends who are all friends with each other, a different party plan makes sense. We just went through this. My DD's first idea for a B-day party was to all go see a movie that is opening that weekend, then all go to a resturant, and then all come back to the house. She wanted to invite 12 kids, plus her and sister makes 14. It just wouldn't work -- not logistically and not financially. We explained that she had to choose between her guest list or her plan, and that if she wanted to invite that many people, it needed to be a party that is all in one place and less money per person. We figured out how many kids she could invite for her party plan.

She decided the friends were more important than the movie and running around all over town so we are having a game night at the house.

To not have conversations like this with our children does them a disservice. It's rude to hurt your friends feelings. If you have 6 friends and invite 5 of them over, the left out one is going to feel crappy. Even a 5 year old can understand that.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote


> Originally Posted by *beenmum*
> . But I have a severe issue with this sense of entitlement our kids are displaying.


I agree but the sense of entitlement goes both ways. Why can't there be a middle-ground? I'm not a big fan of "the b-day girl/boy gets to be queen or king for the day" thinking when it comes at the expense of friends feelings.


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## lkvosu (Feb 9, 2011)

At this point, I think some of these replies are becoming redundant..but I haven't seen anyone bring this up...why didn't the other mother talk to OP about it when she found out her dd wasn't planning on inviting OP's dd? OP said they were close friends so, to me, that seems the right thing to do. Maybe some feelings could have been spared that way because it would demonstrate that the other mom really does care about OP and her daughter, but was simply choosing to honor her daughter's chosen guestlist. I mean, we expect kids to be flaky with friendships, it's totally normal and not a big deal, but not so much with adults. Maybe this all happened in the course of a few hours and the mom didn't have a chance to bring it up with OP? I'm not sure, as ds is only 6 months, but I think I would be offended, even if only mildly, if this happened to ds...and to me, since if I were friends with this lady, I would hope that she would be open and upfront with me about things that could possibly be hurtful. Maybe I'm making too much of this, but I would feel rejected for ds AND for me since she (the mom, MY friend) didn't feel in any way obligated to bring this up with me before I heard about it from someone else. I'd like to think that my friends would do that for me. I would definitely have handled it that way if it were my ds choosing to exclude a close family friend. I wouldn't do that for acquantance, but for the kind of friendship that OP described, I would.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *beenmum*
> 
> I disagree. WHy do I have to work around eveyrone elses children? Thats not fair to my child at all. IF my child wants a party at a salon, why do I have to tell her "Sorry honey, but some kids at school may be upset that they cant go, so you need to do something you dont really want to do to spare your entire classes feelings"
> 
> ...


To me, entitlement is "Sure honey. You can exclude this one particular kid because it is *your* special day! Your birthday!" Entitlement is not teaching kids to have some concern for another child's feelings. We're not talking about inviting the entire neighborhood. We're talking about one kid being excluded and the parents not even being considerate enough to coach the kids attending the party to keep it quiet.

Not to mention, OP posted this without her daughter even being aware of the party so it is pretty unfair to categorize that as a "sense of entitlement our kids are displaying". OP, myself, and others are not expressing that anyone's kid is entitled to go to any party they want. We're saying it would be nice for parents to show some consideration of the feelings of little kids who have to process the emotions of being left out--unnecessarily. We need to teach our kids to be kind. We need to teach them to have empathy when they are considering leaving out one particular kid who is normally part of the group.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> She didn't say "entire class." She said "close friend especially when all the the other members of the same social circle are included."
> 
> ...


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> To me, entitlement is "Sure honey. You can exclude this one particular kid because it is *your* special day! Your birthday!" Entitlement is not teaching kids to have some concern for another child's feelings. We're not talking about inviting the entire neighborhood. We're talking about one kid being excluded and the parents not even being considerate enough to coach the kids attending the party to keep it quiet.
> 
> Not to mention, OP posted this without her daughter even being aware of the party so it is pretty unfair to categorize that as a "sense of entitlement our kids are displaying". OP, myself, and others are not expressing that anyone's kid is entitled to go to any party they want. We're saying it would be nice for parents to show some consideration of the feelings of little kids who have to process the emotions of being left out--unnecessarily. We need to teach our kids to be kind. We need to teach them to have empathy when they are considering leaving out one particular kid who is normally part of the group.


What both of these posts say!


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## ameliabedelia (Sep 24, 2002)

I'm not sure i would have called in that situation, but I would have been hurt, and I'm sorry that happened to your dd. I agree, that it is rude to invite 5 people from the same social circle and exclude the 6th. I realize everyone makes different decisions, but we would opt for a less expensive party so we could include more children. Especially children that my chilld plays with frequently.

We've definitely been in situations where we were hemming and hawing over who to invite to parties, but I did try to always give careful thought to make sure that no one would feel left-out or that we never did something like invite everyone from 1 social circle except the 6th.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Unfortunately, there is entitlement being displayed on both sides. The birthday girl shouldn't have to invite everyone. She should be considerate, though. The child not being invited shouldn't feel like they ought to be invited. It would be nice to be included, though.

I think there is a lesson to be learned from both sides. Nobody is "wrong" in this situation, IMO.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *velochic*
> 
> Unfortunately, there is entitlement being displayed on both sides. The birthday girl shouldn't have to invite everyone. She should be considerate, though. The child not being invited shouldn't feel like they ought to be invited. It would be nice to be included, though.
> 
> I think there is a lesson to be learned from both sides. Nobody is "wrong" in this situation, IMO.


The child isn't claiming she's entitled to go to the party. Mom is just feeling disappointed that her daughter will feel sad and left out since she wasn't invited.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

I hope this doesn't offend anyone but this is the reason we don't do birthday parties. We have 4 kids so we really can't afford it. We usually just do cake and ice cream for our family of 6. Besides $ it's just to big of a stress planning and worrying about who will and won't get their feelings hurt.


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## number572 (Aug 25, 2004)

Good point, and noting it for future use! If the bday girl wants her mani/pedi party with the 6 girls from her class, the bday girl's mom could have also sent an invite to the neighbor girl for an at home ice cream and tea party or something very low cost but still acknowledging that friendship, even if separately from the mani/pedi party. Since the first post, the OP has now said that the bday girl's mother has told her that the friendship is not that important to her dd, so it's probably more uncomfortable than it could have been, by keeping the neighbor girl as a friend and not having to put a hierarchy on friendships. I think the bday girl's mom could have been more creative, her dd DOES hang out with the neighbor girl. And if it's true that the friendship isn't very important to her, then she should be taught that using people to hang out with when there are no other options isn't very nice.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *lkvosu*
> 
> At this point, I think some of these replies are becoming redundant..but I haven't seen anyone bring this up...why didn't the other mother talk to OP about it when she found out her dd wasn't planning on inviting OP's dd? OP said they were close friends so, to me, that seems the right thing to do. Maybe some feelings could have been spared that way because it would demonstrate that the other mom really does care about OP and her daughter, but was simply choosing to honor her daughter's chosen guestlist. I mean, we expect kids to be flaky with friendships, it's totally normal and not a big deal, but not so much with adults. Maybe this all happened in the course of a few hours and the mom didn't have a chance to bring it up with OP? I'm not sure, as ds is only 6 months, but I think I would be offended, even if only mildly, if this happened to ds...and to me, since if I were friends with this lady, I would hope that she would be open and upfront with me about things that could possibly be hurtful. Maybe I'm making too much of this, but I would feel rejected for ds AND for me since she (the mom, MY friend) didn't feel in any way obligated to bring this up with me before I heard about it from someone else. I'd like to think that my friends would do that for me. I would definitely have handled it that way if it were my ds choosing to exclude a close family friend. I wouldn't do that for acquantance, but for the kind of friendship that OP described, I would.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *number572*
> 
> Since the first post, the OP has now said that the bday girl's mother has told her that the friendship is not that important to her dd, so it's probably more uncomfortable than it could have been, by keeping the neighbor girl as a friend and not having to put a hierarchy on friendships. I think the bday girl's mom could have been more creative, her dd DOES hang out with the neighbor girl. And if it's true that the friendship isn't very important to her, then she should be taught that using people to hang out with when there are no other options isn't very nice.


I personnally wouldn't plan something seperate for the girl that was excluded. But the part I quoted is an excellent point!

The whole situation is just plain ackward. I do understand the hurt feelings.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Quote:


> And if it's true that the friendship isn't very important to her, then she should be taught that using people to hang out with when there are no other options isn't very nice.


I dunno... I think that's just how it is with a lot of kid friendships. Most of the girls I played with at school weren't exactly my soulmates... we just happened to be stuck in the same classroom together. A few of those friendships have survived (in fits and starts) since school, but most of them fizzled out as soon as we weren't thrust into the same environment all day every day.

Same with neighbors; the neighbor girl I mentioned upthread played with me (and vice versa) simply because kids tend to prefer playing with someone than playing alone, regardless of personality (well, within limits, obviously!). Same with my "best friend" for many years at our small church - there were no other kids our age to hang out with after church, so we hung out together and went to each other's houses, despite not having much in common when you got right down to it.

I agree that the neighbors in the OP didn't handle things very well, but I think kid friendships happen on all sorts of levels and circumstances, and it can be handled sensitively.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

I don't know. Is it possible the invitation got lost? My son was not invited by his best friend last year to that boy's birthday. But I am suspecting I never saw the invitation.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

I will say that once kids are in school, kids who are not in the same grade usually are not seen as real friends. 1st graders don't want to be friends with kinders, 3rd with 2nds, and so on. So this might just be an age issue and she sees your daughter as younger.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I think kids' social circles are more complicated than "neighbor friends" when they are school age. Some of my daughter's friends in our neighborhood are also in her class, some are not in her class but in her school, some go to other schools. Some are in girl scouts with her. Soe go to our church, some don't. And she has other friends who are in hr class, school, girl scout troop, church, etc., who are not in our neighborhood. It's just too complicated to assume your kid should be invited to any given party, and it isn't worth the grief. Party invitation lists are given way more importance than they're worth. It's best IMO to downplay it and use it as a teachable moment that we aren't going to be invited to everything, and our self esteem shouldn't hang on party invitations. This isnt going to get easier for her as she gets older if she takes from this experience that there is a "should" involved in invitation lists.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I don't think you are right to be bitter. If she is included most time this time the family had to make choices.

It isn't always because she wanted the other girls more. Maybe there is an age range. Maybe the other girl sees your daughter all the time she she like to see these girls. Maybe your dd is good, however as much as they like her they wonder if she could behave well enough or maybe they thought she wouldn't enjoy it. Or have you thought that even though your dd consider this girl her BF it isn't mutual? That doesn't mean your child is bad, or not a friend, just not her best friend. My dd once invited a girl because she knows this girl comes from a poor family and would never get to do the activity we were doing.

I don't always expect an invite, neither should you or your child. I think you should help your dd get a thicker skin. This is part of growing up. Yes, it hurts to be left out but it isn't a big deal in this situation (if it was all the time then I would feel different) There will be other parties. My dh and I invited a set of friends to share our anniversary over the other and we couldn't tell you why. We just thought this time this situation would be more fun. Next time the combination will be different. This couple didn't invite us out to a restaurant because they knew my dh wouldn't enjoy were they were going.

Your job as a parent isn't always to protect your child from hurt but guide them through it. There will be more disappointments. This is one of the times you help guide your child to resilients and learn to "shake off" the bumps.

I also think you need to remember these girls are still children. Even if they have been reminded they will talk about a party. I feel it would have been more appropraite to say something to the other mom reminding them it isn't polite to talk about a party like that.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

People keep saying, "She invited all but 1 from their social group," but who knows if that's even true, or if that's the way the birthday girl's family perceives it. As people have mentioned, friendships are pretty fluid at this age, and often are based on simple geographic convenience, so it's hard to say whether this group of 6 girls is seen as "the whole group" by all sides. Maybe the birthday girl invited a few kids from her class, a few kids from her neighborhood, and a few kids from church, and thought she was doing a good job of inviting a mix of kids from each area. Or maybe if she had invited the OP's DD, then another girl in the neighborhood would have felt excluded and her mom would be thinking, "Geez, couldn't they have invited just one more?"

Unless you're going to place an ad in the newspaper inviting anyone and everyone to come celebrate, the line has to be drawn somewhere, and in our family we choose to not get miffed about where other families choose to draw that line from year to year. We've been invited to some friends' parties one year, but not the next year, and then invited again the year after that -- it just depends on what kind of party they're throwing that year. It's never been an issue, and we generally just wish the birthday kid a happy birthday the next time we see him/her, by going out for ice cream or whatever. Heck, one of DS's close friends (whose mom I'm very good friends with) just had a birthday over the weekend, and he chose to go to the movies with a few friends from his class (DS is a grade younger). It never occurred to me to feel left out, or wonder if we're still friends, or call the mom and ask her why she "excluded" my DS.


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## erinsmom1996 (Apr 9, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *beenmum*
> 
> I disagree. WHy do I have to work around eveyrone elses children? Thats not fair to my child at all. IF my child wants a party at a salon, why do I have to tell her "Sorry honey, but some kids at school may be upset that they cant go, so you need to do something you dont really want to do to spare your entire classes feelings"
> 
> ...


I agree! My daughter has not been invited to parties her friends have had and she has had parties where she has had to narrow down the guest list. When she is trying to come up with a guest list she considers whether or not the kids know each other and would be comfortable with each other. She is a very considerate and kind girl that would never hurt anyone's feelings on purpose. She also understands why she is sometimes not invited to parties and is fine with it. I don't think that the birthday girl or boy should have to change the type of party or location of party just so they can invite everyone that may be hurt if they are not invited. It IS their special day! The party should not be discussed among people who are not invited, of course.

If you teach your child that they can expect to be invited to every party or event that their friends are participating in, you are setting them up for failure. They are going to have a hard time in the real world when they get older because things do happen and feelings do get hurt. It is better to teach them to deal with this when they are young.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pauletoy*
> 
> I hope this doesn't offend anyone but this is the reason we don't do birthday parties. We have 4 kids so we really can't afford it. We usually just do cake and ice cream for our family of 6. Besides $ it's just to big of a stress planning and worrying about who will and won't get their feelings hurt.


Yes, we decided long ago to avoid this minefield. We just have a family birthday partry and outing to an amusement park or other place of interest chosen by the birthday girl, and she gets to choose one friend to bring.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom*
> 
> I don't think you are right to be *bitter*. If she is included most time this time the family had to make choices.


I didn't really see the OPer as being bitter, just confused. After seeing your post, I went back and read the OP again:

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamatoablessing*
> 
> This is a neighbor friend who we are quite close. Our families hang out often, kids play outside, girls sit next to each other on the bus to school, do weekly family BBQ's and pool parties, etc. My DD wasn't invited to her birthday party and I can't figure out why. The other 4 girls on the street were. The ONLY thing I can come up with is that because my DD is a year younger, she was inviting only kids from her class/grade? *I'm at a loss* and feel really bad for my DD when she finds this o


To me, it seems like the girls are quite close, and it seem VERY odd to exclude her.

As a person, I'm really good at letting go of slights towards me. Sadly, my family of origin has given me lots of practice.

As a MOTHER, it's a different deal when some one I consider a friend slights my CHILD. It's not think I think it's a good idea for one to hold on to bitterness about anything, I can see wanting to understand why a friend did what they did, and then needing to process it and come to a place of accepting it before moving on.


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## Tofu the Geek (Dec 2, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *number572*
> 
> Since the first post, the OP has now said that the bday girl's mother has told her that the friendship is not that important to her dd, so it's probably more uncomfortable than it could have been, by keeping the neighbor girl as a friend and not having to put a hierarchy on friendships.


I've reread the thread and I totally cannot see where the OP says the friendship is not important? I read where she said her DD didn't make the cut for the party, but missed this other bit.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> I didn't really see the OPer as being bitter, just confused.


The OP was the first in the thread to use the word "bitter" -- see bolded below. I can understand using that word in the moment of disappointment, and it doesn't mean she's going to hold on to the bitterness long-term, but when other posters use the word, it's only because they're responding to the OP's own words.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamatoablessing*
> 
> Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now. It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I did it very gently). Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids. My DD didn't make the cut. *It sucks and I'm bitter.* I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive. I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt. But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

How do we know it was only ONE kid?

This child was a year younger. Nowhere did it say that they were best friends and that every other friend that the b'day girl had was invited.

If I am spending $20 to $30 a kid on a birthday party, then of course its going to be about my child on my childs birthday. Why woudlnt it?

And if she had invited this child, another child woudlnt have been invited. Where do you draw the line?

I'm not talking about buying the kid an entire mall b/c its thier birthday. However I feel that b/c is IS their birthday that get to choose who they spend it with.

And I feel that my kid is entitled to make that choice. It is their birthday. If I am comparting the right to invite whom they want to, and the right to be invited to every friends birthday party every year..well...there really is NOT a comparison.

My DD gets excluded all the time b/c she is VI and wears leg braces. I know this is why. Am I going to phone every parent and ask why my kid isnt invited? Or am I going to ensure that my kid is loved at home and is included in social gatherings such as dance or swimming with peers?


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

I can't imagine calling up another mother to grill her about why my kid wasn't invited to a party. Neither can I imagine receiving such a call, and I'd think it was pretty rude of the caller. The host of the party decides who is invited. Guests, potential guests and potential guests' mothers do not.

I understand that feelings can be unintentionally hurt. But I think the most constructive way to deal with this situation is to talk to my child about the situation, because she is going to encounter it again. Heck, we get all sorts of threads where people get their knickers in a twist about who gets wedding invitations, so it's a lifetime possibility.

My kids have had parties where they could not invite every one of their friends because of financial and/or space constraints. They have also not been invited to some parties. The thing is, they know kids from different social circles, particularly when they are very young. They had school friends, neighborhood friends, Y-Guide friends, church group friends, etc., and no way could all these kids be invited. I've certainly given my kids limits about the number of kids to be invited, and I can't say that I've gone down the list to make sure one kid from any one of these many groups wasn't left off the list.

The hosts also get to decide the type of party they wish to have. If somebody wants to have backyard cake and games for the masses, that's great. But if they would prefer a smaller gathering at a different venue, that's also up to them. We've done both, but tend to do the latter, not to exclude anybody, but because it works better for us.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *beenmum*
> 
> And I feel that my kid is *entitled* to make that choice. It is their birthday. If I am comparting the right to invite whom they want to, and the right to be invited to every friends birthday party every year..well...there really is NOT a comparison.


Did you not say *I think we are raising kids to have a sense of entitlement that will make life alot more difficult for them in the long run. " ?????? -'""""''?//""""*


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## hattoo (Aug 30, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *lkvosu*
> 
> At this point, I think some of these replies are becoming redundant..but I haven't seen anyone bring this up...why didn't the other mother talk to OP about it when she found out her dd wasn't planning on inviting OP's dd? OP said they were close friends so, to me, that seems the right thing to do. Maybe some feelings could have been spared that way because it would demonstrate that the other mom really does care about OP and her daughter, but was simply choosing to honor her daughter's chosen guestlist. I mean, we expect kids to be flaky with friendships, it's totally normal and not a big deal, but not so much with adults. Maybe this all happened in the course of a few hours and the mom didn't have a chance to bring it up with OP? I'm not sure, as ds is only 6 months, but I think I would be offended, even if only mildly, if this happened to ds...and to me, since if I were friends with this lady, I would hope that she would be open and upfront with me about things that could possibly be hurtful. Maybe I'm making too much of this, but I would feel rejected for ds AND for me since she (the mom, MY friend) didn't feel in any way obligated to bring this up with me before I heard about it from someone else. I'd like to think that my friends would do that for me. I would definitely have handled it that way if it were my ds choosing to exclude a close family friend. I wouldn't do that for acquantance, but for the kind of friendship that OP described, I would.


Exactly what I was thinking! And....when did birthdays stop being fun? The poor woman hosting this party is just wanting to do something fun for her daughter and her friends. 6 kids at $25 each - that's $150 not counting food and who knows if she's doing loot bags? This hits a nerve with me since I was going to do the same thing for DD but it was cost-prohibitive. I told her 3 friends at the salon or 5 and we'd do full makeovers at home, then the girls can keep all their new makeup. She chose home. If anyone is going to be left out, I will definitely be talking to their parents before the invites are sent!


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

Yes We are entitled to make certian CHOICES. Which is what I said, And we are raising kids to feel entitlted to things that they are NOT entitlted to. To be invited to a childs birthday party...not an entitlement. To make a choice about whom you want to invite to your own birthday party, which your parents are funding.....absoluetely what you are entitled too.

We are entitled to choose whom we spend time with in our lives. That isnt the same type of entitlement to be invited into someone else home or party.

Are your coworkers entilted to come over to your home on a Sunday night by virtue of the fact that you work with them? Or do you choose the time/place of their visits?

There is a massive difference between feeling entitled to something that you are not entitled too, such as being invited to someones birthday party. And making choices of whom to invite to the party you are hosting and paying for.

Do you not think that saying you are bitter and angry that your child was excluded b/c you felt they were entitled to be invited is very different from that other child being able to choose whom she invited?


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

Let me just explain a bit further. My kids are entitled to a roof over their heads, foods in their tummies and an education (and of course Love). They are entitled to make certian choices in their lives, within reason and entitled to a voice in family issues.

They are not entitled to cell phones b/c their friends have them. They are not entitled to my van to drive them all over the town, or to computers in their rooms, TV, phones. None of those things are entitlements b/c they exist. And I see many kids whom feel that they should get these things b/c they exist.

We had to earn things as children. It seems like we dont expect much from our kids. At least not as much as was expected of us in general. And it is leading to very complacient kids whom feel that they have rights that extend to include interferring on other peoples rights.

Now, I am not implying that anyone here is doing such. Just making general observations from what I have seen in my line of work over th eyears. And it is obvious that we have given our kids a wonderful voice in this world. However, we may have given them the sense that they are entitled to thigns that later in life have to be worked for.


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

This has not been my experience at all. Especially in the younger grades.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lisa1970*
> 
> I will say that once kids are in school, kids who are not in the same grade usually are not seen as real friends. 1st graders don't want to be friends with kinders, 3rd with 2nds, and so on. So this might just be an age issue and she sees your daughter as younger.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

While I don't have a problem with people who do not feel as I do, I do feel sensitive about inviting all but one or two of the same social circle to an event--that tends to feel exclusionary. It's a little different when half or less are invited. OTOH, I have seen difficulties with invitating a couple of kids from every social group (church, school, scouts, other activity) where not everyone knows each other unless they are super gregarious kids.

So while I understand feeling really sad and hurt that one's child was the only one excluded from the neighbor friends, I guess I would strongly caution the OP against loading her child up with the OPs own projections/baggage. I was the unpopular kid for a long time growing up, so I have to work really hard at controlling my claws and fangs when I even think that my DD might have to face something similar. But she is a different person from me (it doesn't seem to bother her much). She's in a different environment than I was (we talk things through--when I was upset over not being invited my parents just told me it was because I didn't dress right/wasn't charming/wasn't a good person/didn't know how to be a good friend--which wasn't really true.).

While of course it's hurtful to be left out, the OP has a great opportunity to talk thing through with her DD and use it as an opportunity to develop the skills of not taking things personally and how to handle disappointment in a way that's not self-destructive (like bitterness). It's going to be hard to teach that if the OP isn't able to take a step back and release it herself. So that's what I'd advise the OP to do. Don't become so bitter with sour grapes that you become hurtful and snotty to your neighbor; don't tell your kid that if someone doesn't invite you to their birthday party then that means that they're not worthy of you; acknowledge the hurt, think of ways that it could have been handled better, do something special that day, teach forgiveness and grace. It feels a lot better than being stompy and pissed off at the other mom, the only time and energy wasted is your own, so why bother.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *beenmum*
> 
> Yes We are entitled to make certian CHOICES. Which is what I said, And we are raising kids to feel entitlted to things that they are NOT entitlted to. To be invited to a childs birthday party...not an entitlement. To make a choice about whom you want to invite to your own birthday party, which your parents are funding.....absoluetely what you are entitled too.
> 
> ...


I don't think kids should be entitled to hurt someone's feelings on their birthday, no. And I also don't think OP felt entitled to an invite. I am not OP, but my understanding was that she felt bitter, angry, sad, and disappointed that her child was going to have her feelings hurt. As a parent, I can completely understand that. I am really surprised others cannot. My heart breaks when I see my son feel hurt. I don't think there is anything wrong with that and I don't think it means anyone feels entitled to anything. I felt sad just today when he fell off of his swing set. It didn't mean I thought he was entitled to not fall off of it. Entitlement had nothing to do with it and doesn't even make sense in that scenario, and I don't think it makes sense in this one either.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

When you call the other mother to interrogate her about why your kid wasn't invited, you've crossed the line into entitlement.

Nobody wants to see their child hurt. But I seriously doubt the intent of the birthday child was to hurt anyone's feelings. I cannot, nor should I, shelter my child from every disappointment in life. It's part of the human condition and she needs to learn how to deal with it when it occurs. If she were being bullied, I'd intervene because the intent of the bully is to hurt and it is an ongoing thing. Not getting invited to a birthday party because someone has size/cost limitations is not malicious.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> I don't think kids should be entitled to hurt someone's feelings on their birthday, no. And I also don't think OP felt entitled to an invite. I am not OP, but my understanding was that she felt bitter, angry, sad, and disappointed that her child was going to have her feelings hurt. As a parent, I can completely understand that. I am really surprised others cannot. My heart breaks when I see my son feel hurt. I don't think there is anything wrong with that and I don't think it means anyone feels entitled to anything. I felt sad just today when he fell off of his swing set. It didn't mean I thought he was entitled to not fall off of it. Entitlement had nothing to do with it and doesn't even make sense in that scenario, and I don't think it makes sense in this one either.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

I can totally understand being upset and confused about not getting an invite. But it's just one of those things that happens. I can't believe the OP called the mom, really. I think that is just so rude and a little bizarre, TBH.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

Using enttiled is actually perfectly acceptable and does make sense in the context I used it.

*entitled*past participle, past tense of *en·ti·tle* (Verb)

1. Give (someone) *a* legal *right* or a *just claim to receive or do something*.

If that girl had gone up to the OP's child and said "You're not invited to my party." then that would be hurting the childs feelings. And if it were my kid I would cancel any birthday plans.

That is actively hurting the kids feelings.

To invite 6 kids from the same grade your in....that is not actively hurting the OP's kids feelings.

My DD is in school, swimming and in 4 dance classes a week.

If I had to invite every single child so I didnt hurt anyones feelings I would be unable to throw a party at all.

So allowing her to choose whom she felt would enjoy the party the most is exactly what she is entitled to do.

Not every kid in all her classes are entitled to be invited by virtue of spending time with my child.

To assume that your child should be invited and then get upset when she is not and confronting the parent about not inviting your child..THAT is entitlement. The notion that your child should have been chosen and not one of the other kids on the list. Or to say that this mum shoudl have just shelled out the extra cash so HER daughters feeling werent hurt..,THAT is entitlement to something you are not entitled to.

does it hurt..of course. I have never said otherwise.

But I would be humilated if someone called me up and asked why her kid wasnt invited to a party I threw, and then have to confess my finances to her. Then have her post that she felt angry and bitter about it.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

So if someone you consider a friend does something that gets under your skin, you should never mention it?

These two women are friends who get together every week. The invitation could have gotten lost.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

I haven't read all the posts, but I totally and completely do NOT get this entitlement conversation.

If you have what you think is a good, close relationship to someone and your kid considers their kid their best friend, why why WHY would it be rude, or over the top, or a show of "entitlement" to ask the mom why your daughter wasn't invited?

Your kid is sad, left out, and you both think this girl is her best friend - I totally agree with OP that it's natural to wonder if you did something to offend the family, the kids had a falling out, there was a perceived problem - if you call and ask nicely what the story is, I can't understand how that = entitlement. It's not like OP called the other mom and said "What's the deal, my kid has a right to be at your party, you're violating her rights, I'm getting a lawyer!" THAT is entitlement, when you feel like someone has taken something from you that you have a right to.

Thinking that based on relationship your kid would be included in a party, knowing your kid is or will be heartbroken to be left out, and wondering if somethign is wrong that you don't know about, that does not = entitlement. It equals wanting to make sure a friendship is ok and what you thought it was, and in this case, finding out it isn't. OP did not think her kid had a right to be there, just wanted to understand why what she thought was her best friend would leave her out. Not the same thing.

OP I would have done the same thing you did, and if the roles were reversed and my kid was having a party and not inviting someone she spent a lot of time with, that would be her right (or I guess in this situation I would have made her choose because of cost) and I would be totally willing to entertain questions from parents who my kid spends a lot of time with. I would have a right not to explain, or to not respond, but that's not me, I'd be honest just like the mom in OPs case and say what the story is.

And OP it is a great opportunity to teach your little girl that often relationships aren't seen the exact same way by both people. It's a painful lesson to learn, but it's got to be learned at some point, and here it is for your daughter.

OP have you thought about doing something special with your daughter on the day of the party, going on a little adventure or doing something that she really likes to do but doesn't get to do often? That will probably soften the blow a bit so she's got something to think/talk about at the bus stop the next week when the other kids are talking about the party.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

The OP doesn't say they're best friends, just that they are neighbors and do things together, and almost all the things they do together appear to be due to the parents being friends rather than the kids being friends. At some point kids reach an age where you being close friends with someone's parents doesn't make the kids close friends. The only thing that they do together that isn't about the parents spending time together and the kids being together by default is that they sit on the bus together, which could be just because of when they get on the bus and not because they are really close.

I have neighbor friends I'm close to, and our kids used to play together a lot but really only because we and the neighbors got together a lot. But now that the kids are older, it turns out their personalities clash and they really aren't friends, though they are polite and spend time together when our families get together. But I wouldn't expect my dd to invite their dd to a party, or their dd to invite mine, just because our families get together. When dd was younger, she was always invited to my dd's parties because the two girls spent so much time together, but there was a moment where it became obvious that they only spent time together because we are friends with the other girl's parents, and the girls don't invite each other to parties anymore.

I think this is more about growing up and changes in how friendships are formed and maintained, and not really about entitlement. The OP's dd is younger, so she might not have reached that same stage.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

OP--I'm sorry, I feel for you! It is hard when our children are excluded.

As far as the general conversation, and original question of should I call...we had a similar situation with DD and her BF in kindy. They are BFF's. The other little girl bought her a BFF heart necklace, they play together not every day but probably once every other week after school and have a blast in school together. There's a lot of love there. But when it was time for BFF's birthday, we didn't get an invitation. DD pestered me to call BFF's mom about it, but I told her that was not appropriate. That if she was invited, we'd get an invitation. That if she wasn't invited, it could be any of a million things. The mom ended up calling me two days before the party. They could not handle a big party but she had told DD that she could have 3 friends over after school for cupcakes. BFF has some friends in kindy that she's known since preschool so that's who they invited. Heck, maybe even the mom made the decision on her own since BFF is kind of quiet little girl. But I guess some time in the few days before the party, BFF spoke up and asked for one more friend and Mom said ok and happily, DD's got to go. I was glad I did nothing and that the girls worked it out. And if the invite hadn't ever come, I'd have been puzzled but ok with it because I figure:

People have financial limitations and have to draw the line somewhere--at some point, having everyone over for a less expensive day is going to become more expensive than having 6 kids to do something special.

People have space limitations or issues in their homes. They might not be able to handle 12 kids (My DD's kindy class is 24!) and there might be something going on in their home that's not good for guests. Renovations, a leak, a new baby...there are so many things that could be going on, and even if they are neighbors it's probably not accurate to ever assume that you really know what someone else is dealing with.

That's what I tell myself at least. It helps when I'm bewildered by other people's behavior.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamazee*
> 
> The OP doesn't say they're best friends, just that they are neighbors and do things together, and almost all the things they do together appear to be due to the parents being friends rather than the kids being friends. At some point kids reach an age where you being close friends with someone's parents doesn't make the kids close friends. The only thing that they do together that isn't about the parents spending time together and the kids being together by default is that they sit on the bus together, which could be just because of when they get on the bus and not because they are really close.
> 
> ...


ITA, it's about growing up and changes in friendships and how those are formed and maintained, not about entitlement.

Where maybe I see it a bit differently than you though (or maybe not?), is that in OPs mind, there was more of a relationship, and her dd thought of the other girl as her best friend. We may all have different opinions based on OPs specific situation whether that feeling was "reasonable" or not, but that doesn't matter - this is how OP and her dd saw it, and you can only act on what you know/feel/believe.

But yes, in this case, it turned into a good lesson on changing relationships or disparities in how a relationship is seen. From the other mom's view it probably made all the sense in the world not to include OPs dd, but that doesn't mean OP - given her perception of the relationships - is wrong to wonder what's going on and why her dd was left out. And to ask about it.

No one is "wrong" or "right" in this case, it's about different perceptions of relationships, and it's the way life goes.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EFmom*
> 
> When you call the other mother to interrogate her about why your kid wasn't invited, you've crossed the line into entitlement.


I don't agree. If you're friends, you should be able to ask. Maybe the invite had gotten lost, or maybe something had happened to offend OP's neighbor that needed to be addressed.

Regardless, we have all made the same points about 100 times regarding our opinion on entitlement so I am going to bow out. Clearly the group is pretty split, but I don't think any of this is useful to OP anymore.


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EFmom*
> 
> When you call the other mother to interrogate her about why your kid wasn't invited, you've crossed the line into entitlement.
> 
> Nobody wants to see their child hurt. But I seriously doubt the intent of the birthday child was to hurt anyone's feelings. I cannot, nor should I, shelter my child from every disappointment in life. It's part of the human condition and she needs to learn how to deal with it when it occurs. If she were being bullied, I'd intervene because the intent of the bully is to hurt and it is an ongoing thing. Not getting invited to a birthday party because someone has size/cost limitations is not malicious.


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *D_McG*
> 
> I can totally understand being upset and confused about not getting an invite. But it's just one of those things that happens. I can't believe the OP called the mom, really. I think that is just so rude and a little bizarre, TBH.


----------



## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *beenmum*
> 
> Using enttiled is actually perfectly acceptable and does make sense in the context I used it.
> 
> ...


If that girl had gone up to the OP's child and said "You're not invited to my party." then that would be hurting the childs feelings. And if it were my kid I would cancel any birthday plans.

That is actively hurting the kids feelings.

To invite 6 kids from the same grade your in....that is not actively hurting the OP's kids feelings.

My DD is in school, swimming and in 4 dance classes a week.

If I had to invite every single child so I didnt hurt anyones feelings I would be unable to throw a party at all.

So allowing her to choose whom she felt would enjoy the party the most is exactly what she is entitled to do.

Not every kid in all her classes are entitled to be invited by virtue of spending time with my child.

To assume that your child should be invited and then get upset when she is not and confronting the parent about not inviting your child..THAT is entitlement. The notion that your child should have been chosen and not one of the other kids on the list. Or to say that this mum shoudl have just shelled out the extra cash so HER daughters feeling werent hurt..,THAT is entitlement to something you are not entitled to.

does it hurt..of course. I have never said otherwise.

But I would be humilated if someone called me up and asked why her kid wasnt invited to a party I threw, and then have to confess my finances to her. Then have her post that she felt angry and bitter about it.


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

Beenmum,

Please go back and re-read my initial posts so that you have accurate and factual information. I never once said anything about being angry. I did say I was bitter. I was bitter. I was bitter because I was going to have to deal with DD's hurt and sadness and her feeling left out. How is that entitlement? I also never said that another child should be cut so that mine would be included. Additionally, I never asked or expected the mother to "shell out" the extra cash for my DD. The assumptions you have made in this thread are little offensive actually. Lastly, if you had bothered to read my posts you'd see I did express how this could turn into a learning opportunity for DD; in life there are disappointments and you won't always be invited to everything. That doesn't sound like entitlement to me.


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

For whatever reason, I'm having trouble with the quote function...it's not posting my replies, only the quotes.

In no way did I call my friend (the mom) and interrogate her, as a poster assumed up-thread. I called her and we had a conversation. In my group of friends, we talk, we share, we are honest with each other. Was it 100% comfortable to do so? No way. I even prefaced the conversation by apologzing for the awkwardness. But I was able to take away an explantion for DD, so that I could have an honest discussion with her about not being invited.

Now, with all the being said, DD never even found out about the party. The party was a few days ago and so far, even with the girls playing every night for a few hours, it hasn't been brought up by anyone. And I have talked to my friend several times and we are fine. There are no hard feelings on either side.

I appreciate everyone who had helpful and gentle advice and comments for me on this thread.


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## raksmama (Feb 20, 2005)

a big hug to you Mamatoablessing! When I was pregnant with my first son I never imagined that there would be this kind of heartbreak being a mom! These types of things hurt the parents as much, if not more than the children. I think you were right to ask the other mother because you do know her. Of course she is not obliged but still things like this hurt. Sorry you all had to experience this!


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Glad that in the end, so far your daughter is blissfully oblivious.  While the "different views on the same relationship" issue is something we all have to wrestle with at some point, it's nice NOT to have to explain to a heartbroken dd for now. Take care!


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

May I ask what the difference between Bitter and Angry is?


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

I honestly have to say that I resposnded to what you said:

Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now.* It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted* (although I dd it very gently). Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids. My DD didn't make the cut. It sucks and I'm bitter. I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive. *I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt. * But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything.

And I did NOT make assumptions.

You NOW say that your group is open and it wasnt a big deal to call. But your above post says that it was uncomfy. What other conclusion was I to draw? You used to words uncomfy and confront.

If you did NOT mean that you think the mother should have shelled out the extra money fo ryour chid so her feelings werent hurt...then what did you mean by the bolded line above?


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## 2lilsweetfoxes (Apr 11, 2005)

And the irony of this whole issue/conversation is that if the birthday girl's mom had said "What? Your DD did not get her invitation? I mailed it out last week!" everyone here would have been saying "Good thing you called or your daughter would have missed the party."

But, then, you might have wondered if it was really a case of a mis-directed or late invite or whether the mom was so put-on-the-spot that she issued the invitation just then (and hoping you'd decline it because she wasn't *really* invited).


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *beenmum*
> 
> I honestly have to say that I resposnded to what you said:
> 
> ...


Please stop telling me that I said things I did not. Both my posts make reference to the fact that the call was uncomfortable (please see most recent). Do you only have easy conversations with friends or do you occassionally talk about something deeper? I did not say the call wasn't a big deal. It was...that is why I posted here in the first place. But I do think that real friends can and should be able to speak candidly and frankly with each other. I'm not saying that is an easy thing though.

As for the last quote you bolded above about paying the extra money...I was simply stating what I would do...me, personally. Not what I thought the other mom should do.

And the difference between bitter and angry?

Bitter leaves a bad taste in my mouth that will go away eventually. Anger is a stronger emotion which might require more time to get over or perhaps even apology.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EFmom*
> 
> When you call the other mother to interrogate her about why your kid wasn't invited, you've crossed the line into entitlement.


I don't see what she was doing as interrogation. I think it's the flip side of a coin. If I do something that might be potentially upsetting to someone, I might have someone say something to me, or question me. I might not like it, but there are always two sides to every issue. Of course no child is entitled to go to a party just because she has gone to them previously, but the idea that we are entitled to being protected from someone asking us, because it's some etiquette line that just cannot be breached is just as ludicrous to me. It honestly could have been a situation where the invitation was lost or whatever. I feel like we're never supposed to have open conversation, we're just supposed to pretend everything is fine. But it doesn't work because we are humans with feelings, and I think a little communication can honestly help.

Now I don't think I would have asked, but I would have just assumed that the child didn't want mine there. For me, knowing it was something like a manicure party that cost $25 a head would make it easier to understand, so I'd be happy to have that information.

When I was in the 10th grade, I wanted to be a candy striper. I wasn't aware that anyone ever got turned down for this, but I filled out the application, dressed up and went to my interview. I didn't get accepted. I was like the only one from my school who applied who didn't get accepted. My mom thought they were discriminating against me for my weight, but I told her that the woman who interviewed me was just as fat. So I ended up calling and talking to the woman in charge about why I didn't make it in. The woman didn't seem to understand what I was asking, she just kept questioning why I was questioning her, so I let her talk to my mom. She was taken aback that I called to ask why I didn't make it and said, "No one has ever called to ask that" as if I had crossed some etiquette line. But it was important to me to know for future interviews, I just can't imagine why I was the only one who didn't get chosen, and I thought having a reason would make it easier to accept, and show I had a persistent attitude or something. She wouldn't give a reason until my mom asked, "Is it because she's only 15 and most of the other 10th graders are already 16?" The woman agreed that was it. Then I found out a 14 year old friend in the 9th grade got accepted. I think my weight probably was a factor.

So here I am, 30 years later and just as socially inept, I guess, but I just don't see that asking is that big a deal.

Of course, when I was at my dad's viewing a day after he died and confronted by my cousin's wife who told me the story off all these relatives who asked to be invited to their daughter's wedding and how obnoxious it was, I commiserated with her. And then she point blank said, "My daughters will be expecting an invitation to your wedding" in a tone that would brook no disagreement, I said, "Oh sure" and sent both her kids an invitation. Now that, I thought, was pretty rude. But I figured why hurt feelings for $70 a plate.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamatoablessing*
> 
> And the difference between bitter and angry?
> 
> Bitter leaves a bad taste in my mouth that will go away eventually. Anger is a stronger emotion which might require more time to get over or perhaps even apology.


Thanks for clarifying how you were using the word. I've mostly heard people use "bitter" to describe feelings that they have a hard time getting over, or hold on to for a long time, so it's good to have more clarity on how you use the word, since I also perceived it as a quite strong word to use for this scenario.


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## chel (Jul 24, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Viola*
> 
> I don't see what she was doing as interrogation. I think it's the flip side of a coin. If I do something that might be potentially upsetting to someone, I might have someone say something to me, or question me. I might not like it, but there are always two sides to every issue. Of course no child is entitled to go to a party just because she has gone to them previously, but the idea that we are entitled to being protected from someone asking us, because it's some etiquette line that just cannot be breached is just as ludicrous to me. It honestly could have been a situation where the invitation was lost or whatever. I feel like we're never supposed to have open conversation, we're just supposed to pretend everything is fine. But it doesn't work because we are humans with feelings, and I think a little communication can honestly help.
> 
> ...


That's the thing with asking. You can't make someone tell you the truth.


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## Mamabliss1 (Jan 9, 2012)

I so agree. The difference here is that they were friends beyond school AND were in the same neighborhood. The birthday girls' mother should

have had the tact to call and explain this or find a way to include. "Desperate" is really not part of this at all. This was not handled well and

calling the mother to give her a chance to explain takes a bit of courage. She did it gently, showing empathy with the difficulty of the situation,

and it took grace to do that.


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