# The miscarriage that never was ?



## minta (Jul 3, 2005)

I hope no one thinks it's inappropriate for me to post here. I really don't know where else to go.

I am currently 10 wks pregnant with #3 but can't come to terms with an "experience" I had last March. DH and I were not TTC. In fact, we were actively trying NOT to conceive. However, I suddenly felt certain that I was pregnant, having already been pregnant twice in the past. I tested in the early days and got a very, very faint BFP, but about 10 mins. past the recommended time frame on an HPT. This happened twice in 2 days. I know evaporation lines technically don't count, but I've never actually had one before, despite having POAS however many million times when TTC #1 and #2.

In the meantime, all my pregnancy symptoms increased to the point that I was 100% positive I was pregnant again. And remember, I had been trying _not_ to get pregnant, so it wasn't as if I was longing so much that I would have imagined all my symptoms. But...

I went to get a blood test and the test said I was not and had not been pregnant anytime in the recent past.

Meanwhile, my symptoms got stronger and stronger. I mean, my entire body went into serious pregnancy overdrive. I had the bloated tummy, the swollen sore breasts, the metallic taste, the insomnia, the shakes, the rage, the fatigue... all the stuff that I personally experience when I'm pregnant -- and in spades! By this point, there was no part of me that was not absolutely sure I was pregnant.

I went through this completely awful week of testing and testing and testing and kept getting BFN's and all the while, my symptoms were getting stronger and stronger. I was an emotional wreck and just sobbing at the drop of a hat!

_Finally_, my period came, but it was a week late, very heavy, and very painful. The weirdest thing was I actually woke that morning and suddenly didn't feel pregnant anymore, and then my period started a few hours later. I couldn't stop crying and just felt this huge sense of loss -- physically, emotionally, mentally... DH had to take half a week off work to look after me as I couldn't function for the pain.

I wound up convincing my GP to send me for an ultrasound as I was still convinced that I'd miscarried and wanted to make sure the m/c had completed naturally and I wasn't going to need a follow-up procedure. Well, I have never felt so completely ridiculous as I did lying on that chair with the sonographer telling me there was nothing. No sign of a recent pregnancy. Ever. Period. He even brought in some colleagues for a closer look and I know they all thought I was one of those deluded women who wants to be pregnant so badly they convince themselves they are.

Anyway, fast-forward 7 months and I am still all torn up about what happened to me. I _feel_ like I had a miscarriage. At the time, I even told people I was pregnant and miscarrying as the grief I felt was so completely real. Now, with a little more time, I feel like a fraud and I'm starting to doubt what I believed so strongly then, only because the medical side of things just didn't back me up at all.

I really don't know what to make of all this. I just feel so angry, and bitter, and _cheated_ -- like I went through all this angst and none of it was legitimate! I have friends miscarrying and I want to let them know I've been there too, and then I feel like I'm undermining their experience because _theirs_ is authentic. I feel like I have no right to talk about what happened last March, even though it's something I will always remember and something that still hurts.

I just wish I could "categorize" my loss IYKWIM? I wish I could say yes I did, or no I didn't and just get on with it, instead of being in this limbo where I'm the only one in the world that believes I had a miscarriage. DH has been ultra-supportive, but I don't think he really knows what to "do" with me either. He just knows better than to deny what I think happened as he doesn't want to cause me any further grief.

Has _anyone_ else had a similar experience? I just feel so alone with this and it just keeps hurting...


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

it sounds to me like you had what is known as a chemical pg. There was a egg that was fertilized and implanted briefly but for whatever reason it didnt stay there. On a u/s it would look as tho you were never pg.

I had a chemical pg my second m/c. Like you my af wasnt that late and I felt pg and had symptoms of pg.

If the blood test they did was only a pos. neg kind instead of a quantative they could have missed it. Also some dr only consider a + to be over 25 mIU but in reality anything over 5 is a pos. so it is very possible you were pg and from your description I bet you were.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Been there done that! I was pregnant as well. She only stayed here 3 weeks. I never even took a hpt. I had no "proof" as well. And based on how briefly she was here, I know that only 1 in a million docs would believe me. When it's so brief, there's nothing left to go on after-the-fact.

I've been through the horrid feelings too regarding whether or not I'm making it all up, trying to MAKE other people believe me, etc. I grieved for a long time with these intense "but what if it's not real" feelings. I've even had a close family member "inform" me I have no baby.

There are some things us moms know that others are not CAPABLE of knowing. (We're cool like that!)

You're certainly not alone. And your feelings are valid.


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## normajean (Oct 21, 2003)

I'd just like to second what others have said, although I haven't experienced this, I have heard of it. Hang in there, grieving can take a long time, and hit you at odd times when you don't expect it.


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## MamaTink (Aug 17, 2006)

s, I would write down your feelings, it always helped me in times of grief.


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

I'm so sorry, mama. Sorry for your loss, and for the anguish over what is real, and for a system that doesn't trust women to know their own bodies, and that you've been at the brunt of it.

I chart. I'm a consistent, long time charter, and I am amazed and annoyed, by doctor's office's that insist on recording my due dates based on my last period, rather than my own info. Just one example.

Clearly from what you described--all your symptoms, the way you noticed they were gone and then started bleeding--you know your body well. I can see how understanding would help. The info pp have posted on chemical pregnancy might explain it. You might try talking to a midwife about it--a good one will take your perspective into account and know the science of it well.

I also think this business of pregnancy and birth has a spiritual level that I believe is quite real, though not for any of us to get our earthly minds around completely. It also seems to me (from how I interpret things, but I hope you will listen to your own intuition about what makes sense for you) that clearly a baby spirit came to you and left. It probably needed just a little bit of your mothering at that time. Still the separation is very hard and a loss.

I would do some more exploring and then at some point, and I think you'll know when you've done enough, decide where you stand with it and present it to people that way.

All my very best wishes.


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## Whittliz (Oct 5, 2006)

ME! My second m/c was a chemical pregnancy and was very much like your situation.

I got a BFP, had definite pregnancy symptoms on CD 24 and by CD 29, I had negative tests and heavy period-like bleeding.








to you mama! I say you have an


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## jeffsdear (Aug 21, 2007)

Hi,
I had almost the exact same experience. Last October, we were REALLY trying not to get pregnant, and I knew I was, all the symptoms, when my daughter would breastfeed, it would HURT, etc.
And I was definitely not happy about being pregnant. The pregnancy test never did show up as positive, and I lost the baby about 1 week later. I had horrid, awful, heavy bleeding, and felt awful. That morning before it started, I no longer felt pregnant...

I don't care what the pregnancy test said, (I didn't go to a doctor), I know I was pregnant...


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## minta (Jul 3, 2005)

Thank you, ladies!

It brings me both joy and sadness to finally be able to share the truth -- my truth, that is -- with someone. I've told some people that I miscarried and then there are others to whom I've never and will never mention it, including friends who have since had their own "proper" miscarriages. But nobody but DH knows what really happened in terms of me believing I was pregnant and miscarrying and the doctors all contradicting me. I'm just too embarrassed to talk about it IRL, I guess, and I also don't want any stupid comments or anyone denying the pain I went through because that bit was definitely real!

As for the chemical pregnancy, I was told they did both qualitative and quantitative testing, and both were negative. But I didn't get any exact numbers so may go back and ask. Of course, I'll probably get a No then as well, and just feel ever more defeated, but I suppose it's always worth a shot.

Waturmama, I'm slowly coming to a similar conclusion WRT having had a spiritual experience. I am someone very comfortable and familiar with the concept of energies passing back and forth between worlds and if nothing else, I believe maybe this baby came to tell us that we were, in fact, ready to TTC sooner rather than later. As I'm now pregnant again, I like to think it was someone's way of getting me to hurry up and start trying so I'd be in the right place at the right time to meet _this_ baby.


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