# 3 Year Old Has Started Hitting



## mrsaugie18 (Jul 27, 2015)

Hello Everyone. I'm new to this site and am hoping you can help my husband and I with our 3 year old daughter. Recently, she has started hitting me and throwing her toys when she becomes upset and angry. She has never done this before. I have tried timeouts (they are a joke as she laughs), I have tried taking away her toys and privileges (again, this is amusing to her), and I have gotten down eye to eye with her and spoke in a stern voice about how we do NOT hit. Most of time she laughs and thinks it's funny. I try to diffuse the situation as calmly as I can, but most of the time she continues and I have to leave out of frustration. I have read books and articles but nothing seems to help. Many times this causes tension between my husband and I. I'm afraid she will act out when she begins preschool. She is a very caring and loving girl. This only happens when she becomes upset and frustrated at not getting her way. What are we not doing?


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## pokeyac (Apr 1, 2011)

Janet Lansbury has great articles on her website and in her book, No Bad Kids: Toddler discipline without shame. For hitting, she says if you can stop them before they hit, you do and say, "I won't let you hit. That hurts." If it's after you say, "I don't want you to hit." The "I won't let you..." is the important part and can be used for many behaviors. It sets a firm limit and you keep setting that limit. She believes that kids act out because they want our help setting limits. I think taking a toy away because she threw it makes sense. You could say, "I won't let you throw that. It's not safe." Taking away other toys because she threw something may not make as much sense to her. 
My wife has gotten upset with me when she felt like I was not being stern enough and this method really speaks to me.


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## pumabearclan (Nov 14, 2012)

pokeyac said:


> "I won't let you throw that. It's not safe."


^^Yes. I tried to both prohibit violence _and _describe why. Same with words and attitudes. "If you say that you will hurt someone's feelings. Someone may overhear your words and make a judgement of you. Being angry is different from making a statement. Everyone gets angry. But making a statement is something you need to be able to defend with a clear conscience. Hitting, throwing things, and using hurtful words is your reputation. Don't make statements while you are angry. Think about what you are doing and act deliberately in your life." <-in whatever way is appropriate for the age.


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## alicetailor (Jul 11, 2014)

It can be very difficult to deal with having a child who is aggressive towards other kids. It can be embarrassing as well as frightening when your child bites, hits, scratches or kicks to get his way. As a parent, it is important for you to be aware of his aggressive feelings, what triggers this behavior and teach him how to calm himself down.


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## muddie (Nov 10, 2014)

> ...I have gotten down eye to eye with her and spoke in a stern voice about how we do NOT hit. Most of time she laughs and thinks it's funny.


Reacting to hitting with face-time and words reinforces the bad behavior so it is counter-productive _as an immediate reaction_. It's OK later if you want, but it's better to react to good behavior by talking a lot about about why good behavior is good.

When she hits or has a tantrum "act don't yak". The best thing to to is planned ignoring:

https://www.nemours.org/content/dam...e/health/parenting/tips/13plannedignoring.pdf

Just turn away and walk away immediately. But if she is being sufficiently destructive, or is hitting another child then you cannot ignore. When you start ignoring the behavior may get worse for a day or two before it gets better, this the extinction burst that occurs because you have been previously reinforcing the behavior with attention.

If you cannot ignore, impose time out immediately with no talking to her or looking at her, say "no breaking things" at most in a calm voice only if you are sure she does not know the reason for the time out.

Give her immediate positive attention for good behavior, in particular the positive opposite of her common unwanted behavior. Be enthusiastic, include affectionate touch like a high five, no caboosing criticism on the end (no buts), say specifically what she did that was good (not generic praise like "good job"). Give positive attention to merely acceptable behavior that you are now taking for granted, for the smallest things, for the tiniest step in the right direction, do not wait for perfection.

Also, you might be able to prevent tantrums by redirection or giving her choices.


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## pokeyac (Apr 1, 2011)

I read your link @muddie and one of the first things it says is not to use this technique for hitting.


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## pumabearclan (Nov 14, 2012)

muddie said:


> if she is being sufficiently destructive, or is hitting another child then you cannot ignore.


I think that is the key to whether ignoring is appropriate discipline for hitting. If it's hitting the parent? I ignored. The hitting of me was to force me to pay attention and she got the opposite result - she was *ignored entirely* and *left alone *as a result of her antisocial outburst.

This is a tough issue to address.


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## muddie (Nov 10, 2014)

pokeyac said:


> I read your link @muddie and one of the first things it says is not to use this technique for hitting.


That true, you nailed me! I personally would use it for a 3 year old hitting me, I'd just walk away. I'd give it a sustained trial of at least a week and see if things had started improving. I would not use planned ignoring for one kid hitting another kid.

Anyway, I think it's borderline case and it's the parents call. The next thing to try is time-out. The OP said she tried that, but perhaps she started by giving the kid a talking to in that "stern voice" which is a common error because that is time-in. Time-in is the opposite of time-out and it has the opposite effect and using a stern voice just makes it worse. Say nothing unless you are sure you need to explain, and just say "no hitting" at most in a calm voice.

Concerning "stern voice": It's best to use a lot of emotion when you are talking about a kid's good behavior and use a calm, matter of fact voice to explain the consequences as an an immediate reaction to bad behavior only when necessary.


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## Bethany Rosselit (May 27, 2015)

Hitting is a tough one. Planned ignoring could work, ONLY if you are able to keep ignoring until the behavior goes away. 

Otherwise, look at WHY she is hitting. What is the antecedent (what happens right before). And what does she "get" out of it? Changing these two things really is key.

My daughter used to get really goofy and need some time to play quietly and "reset" herself. This was not a time out, but a time to cool down and redirect. We put her in her room, until she got going on something else. Sometimes they get "stuck" in this loop of goofy (to them) behavior, and they just need a reset.


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## AmyC (Jul 3, 2005)

Someone above mentioned Janet Lansbury. One of the things she puts forward as a "mantra for parents" is _acknowledge feelings_. Also,_ let feelings be_!

If you know that your daughter is upset & frustrated at not getting her way, find ways to speak to her that acknowledge this. Her impulse to hit or otherwise "act out" those feelings makes sense; what she needs is support for the emotional experience she's having so that she can begin developing the capacity to manage/tolerate the feelings better. Verbalizing her displeasure instead of hitting/throwing would be better/more mature (though frequently parents have a hard time with the words & tones children use to express their upset feelings, too!) This is how you get there!

I wouldn't resort to punishment to try to "discourage" hitting when you realize that it is happening for a reason. With punishment (or with ignoring) you are not teaching her anything about WHAT to do when she's frustrated or angry (which is something she'll feel again, and again.) Instead, work on limiting the behavior (or, ideally, preventing it) with a calmly warm physical limit that keeps both of you safe, and acknowledge her feelings.

This acknowledgment can be as simple as, "You didn't like that."
Saying something like "I know, you weren't happy with me" or "I know, you wanted the scissors & I took them away" while you prevent her hands from hitting is the idea. Even simply, "I know."

If she becomes upset and cries or screams at this point, simply listen to her feelings. Stay with her while she's upset and ride it out. You don't have to "name" feelings; you can just be there. Or say, "I know it's hard."

Her feelings do make sense. Feeling powerless because you're unable to make things go your way is a VERY uncomfortable sensation; it's often what parents are feeling when we get upset during conflicts with our kids, or get pulled into power struggles! Recognize that it makes sense for her to want to FORCE you to go her way, or it makes sense to have a hard time handling a strong feeling gracefully, and just show her (via your presence & attitude) that she is still "okay" and acceptable as far as you are concerned, and that strong feelings are part of human experience. This is how she begins to gain more tolerance for these feelings & to develop the ability to regulate her emotions.

Angry words (verbalizing the feelings) are more mature than hitting or other physical acting out. They are not always socially acceptable or easy to hear, but when that is the case you can offer guidance with a response that (again) _acknowledges the feelings_ expressed and at the same time, models more mature ways of expressing the exact same feelings. Simply respond to her angry words with acknowledgment of how upset she is, or how unhappy she is with your decision/action. There is no need to "correct" the language or tone in the moment if you can focus on the message being communicated, and then reflect it back in more acceptable language. This, too, is the process by which children learn to express those (same) feelings less primitively, in increasingly socially-acceptable and respectful ways as they develop emotional maturity. This is the way maturation happens.

I usually put my focus on my own internal regulation (or lack) because often, I feel agitated when my child is upset. As soon as I put my attention on that & really notice the degree to which I'm agitated in reaction to my child's upset feelings or behavior, I'm better able to "allow feelings" rather than resisting them and feeling upset. Instead of feeling like I need to make it stop, I'm able to see it for what it is & take care of things.

Make sure you're not modeling the same thing the child is doing--getting all upset when you don't like what is happening and you want someone to behave differently! (And looking for some way to _make_ them change.)


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## pumabearclan (Nov 14, 2012)

A lot of good info on this thread.

I'm seeing 3 basic components: the outburst, the cause, and the training of coping with emotional flooding in the future.

They all likely need to be dealt with at different times though with an integrated strategy.


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## Dawn's mom (Jul 2, 2015)

You've expressed anger and firmness. For some reason some kids laugh at those reactions. One thing that does catch kids off guard is seeing their parents sad. Try reacting in a sad way, act like he really hurt you. That could be the reaction he needs to stop being violent. My daughter has hurt me real good by accident. I'm quite sensitive and I express feeling openly. It made my daughter think of what she was doing and she got upset for seeing me upset and knowing that she hurt me. It may sound mean, but I think that sometimes kids look at their parents as invincible and find it funny that, instead of crying, we get angry like the Hulk. It's okay to release the emotional dams in front of our kids.


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## muddie (Nov 10, 2014)

pumabearclan said:


> A lot of good info on this thread.
> 
> I'm seeing 3 basic components: the outburst, the cause, and the training of coping with emotional flooding in the future.
> 
> They all likely need to be dealt with at different times though with an integrated strategy.


Ross Greene (author of _The Explosive Child_) has an approach called Collaborative Proactive Solutions (CPS). The approach involves training of coping skills. But he says you should not try to train you kid in the heat of the moment as a reaction to the hitting or tantrum, you need to do it later. His view is that need to be proactive to improve things in the future, not reactive.

PS: He use to call it Collaborative Problem Solving, but he split with Mass. General Hospital and they claim to own the trademark on that.


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## pumabearclan (Nov 14, 2012)

Unfortunate title, but the book sounds awesome.

How about _The Explosive **** Sapien_, LOL!


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## muddie (Nov 10, 2014)

Dawn's mom said:


> You've expressed anger and firmness. For some reason some kids laugh at those reactions. One thing that does catch kids off guard is seeing their parents sad.


The OP said the kid laughed at 3 different strategies, and I get the impression the the kid laughed repeatedly at the same predictable parental behavior.

If the kid is laughing at the same parental reaction repeatedly, the the kid is not being caught off guard.

My guess is the the kid is laughing because she enjoying all the parental attention that she is gaining as an immediate reaction to her hitting and tantrums.

If the parent gains control of his or her behavior-getting attention and starts directing it at good behavior rather than bad behavior then often the behavior problems go away.


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## pumabearclan (Nov 14, 2012)

Dawn's mom said:


> You've expressed anger and firmness. For some reason some kids laugh at those reactions.


This causes me to consider looking for and weeding out role modeling of disrespect; from playmates to adults.

I was flipped off by a ~4yr old whom I politely objected to throwing things in a store. I watched a middle aged father laugh when the teen daughter mocked her mother in public. This is not to mention media messages. So these messages of acting out with disresepct can happen at any age & any place. Daycares, neighbors, family, etc

This can also be considered for acting out like throwing things and hitting too - eliminating as many bad roles as possible.


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## AmyC (Jul 3, 2005)

Keep in mind that people also laugh when tense or anxious. "Nervous laughter"?

I know that at particularly stressed times during conflict I have laughed and have appeared "not to care," and in reality it was not about feeling dismissive, scornful, uncaring or amused. I felt miserable and disconnected; I even felt regret in the moment but "couldn't" show it or stop. This was happening in the context of automatic reactivity (stress response.)

Kids can laugh when something has surprised them or triggered nervousness in them, including a parent's stern reaction when they're already off-track and their behavior shows it! It doesn't have to be "anger" to be stressful; recognizing a loved one's disapproval can be stressful! It makes sense to me that if you as a parent are feeling triggered or upset, feeling internal urgency around "stopping" the behavior, it's highly possible that the situation FEELS charged to the child. And laughter is one possible result.

I wouldn't automatically assume a child's laughter during conflict must reflect enjoyment.

I think it can be scary to discover that something you do REALLY influences & changes your parent. Even if the overall situation is comparatively "calm" and nobody is yelling etc., the _dynamic_ of disapproval could feel potent. It seems to me that a big part of the advice to ignore acknowledges exactly this--that reactions can strongly influence dynamics and patterns, and can fuel & intensify situations. It doesn't make sense to me to think children are simply enjoying charged situations and control at these times.


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## muddie (Nov 10, 2014)

AmyC said:


> I wouldn't automatically assume a child's laughter during conflict must reflect enjoyment.


I would not assume that. I never assume anything. Everything is just an experiment. I'd try planned ignoring for a week or two and see if the behavior is noticeably reduced. In my opinion, the most likely explanation is that the parent's attention is reinforcing the kid's behavior, so planned ignoring is simply the first thing to try, nothing more.

When you start planned ignoring of a previously reinforced behavior, typically the behavior will get worse and more varied for a couple of days before it starting going away.

Also, the parent needs to give more attention to the acceptable behavior that has been taken for granted.

From my reading and experience, the best evidence-based parenting methods start working withing a few days, so I think that parents who stick with the same thing for months on end without success are typically making a mistake.


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## muddie (Nov 10, 2014)

Does the laughing look anything like this?:


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## AmyC (Jul 3, 2005)

muddie said:


> Ross Greene (author of _The Explosive Child_) has an approach called Collaborative Proactive Solutions (CPS). The approach involves training of coping skills. But he says you should not try to train you kid in the heat of the moment as a reaction to the hitting or tantrum, you need to do it later. His view is that need to be proactive to improve things in the future, not reactive.
> 
> PS: He use to call it Collaborative Problem Solving, but he split with Mass. General Hospital and they claim to own the trademark on that.


I agree that teaching or training in the moment is not the goal at these times. Guidance can be in the response but not as an effort to "teach" them something or make it all stop. The "guidance" in the moment consists of providing a model of how to act when things don't go your way (basically, by how WE act right then when things aren't going our way!)

I don't recommend acknowledging what happened in an effort to STOP the upset or "resolve" the situation. _You_ can't "resolve" anything when the resolution that's needed must happen inside someone else! I'm suggesting a response that will help to support or facilitate a process inside the child--a response _in the moment_ that overall guides (or supports) emotional maturation.

It is not about trying to stop anything or train anybody, fix anything. Acknowledgment is not primarily about specific words, or even saying anything, but giving an example of words (here) can help illustrate the general orientation. The point of my examples is to illustrate that saying "We do NOT hit" (etc.) is very different than acknowledging or recognizing "You didn't like what I did/said" in response to the hitting.

But yeah, if a parent thinks that saying the right words ("You didn't like that") is going to stop the upset or make things better in the moment, it's a completely different orientation. That would be anxiety-fueled attention to the situation, and not helpful.

Not trying to teach or train a child in the moment doesn't negate the observation that a certain kind of response offers guidance to the child simply by providing a model of a different way of communicating the same feelings. I do think the power of that model would be lost if it became about instruction (TELLING her that she should say "I didn't like that!" instead of hitting.) The growing capacity to do that when upset is about gaining increasing tolerance for what is happening internally in times of frustration, not about having been instructed.

********************************

OP, what do you want your daughter to do when she becomes upset and frustrated at not getting her way? That's the only time you experience the hitting or throwing behaviors; what do you want her to do instead of hitting you or throwing toys when she feels those feelings?


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## muddie (Nov 10, 2014)

I think I misrepresented the Ross Greene approach by calling it "training" with all the implications of that. I use that term because it was used in the post I was responding to. Here is a link that lays out his approach:

http://www.livesinthebalance.org/sites/default/files/Plan B Cheat Sheet Rev 11-12-12.pdf

Again, this in done proactively, not in reaction when problem behavior is in progress.


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## elliha (Jul 20, 2014)

I have a child that does tend to use hitting, pinching or kicking as a way of showing frustration. She uses it mainly towards me and on occasion towards her father but is generally wellbehaved at day care. I have accepted in part that I am the person she feels the most safe to vent to and thus she uses this technique towards me, I have not however accepted to be hit and have always made sure I do not like it. I have used various techniques such as redirecting (very ineffective), moving away (very effective when she was younger), different techniques for teaching her a better strategy (worked in periods and is probably this is something that comes and goes and is not a constant thing). She is three now and lately I have talked about how what you do tells others how to treat you. If you hit mum it means you want mum to hit you, should I hit you? She says no and then I ask her why she then hits me. I want to. But when you hit me I want to hit you but I don't. Why should you hit me when I do not hit you? It has gone down now in intensity so I think she has gotten what I say this time. 

I have not used punishments much but when she has been repeatedly been asked to stop and does not I say that she has to stay in her room until she can behave better. If she comes out right away and behaves that is OK but if she does not she goes back until she can control herself. Same way I have at times moved away from her or not let her sit on my lap if she has been violent. 

I am not extremely concerned as I see it as part of the age, it would have ben worse had it been towards other children.


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## muddie (Nov 10, 2014)

Janet Lansbury says keep it brief, avoid stern lectures:



> Am I being brief and nonchalant rather than pointed? Am I coaching and reminding rather than lecturing? Sometimes it's just that extra split second we give to correcting unwanted behaviors that can turn them into an interesting experiment for children to continue. They might be feeling, "Hmmm&#8230;why is my hitting such a big deal? Can't they easily stop me? Why such a pointed lesson? I definitely got a rise out of them. Interesting, but also a little unnerving (which, by the way, is why I'm smiling!). Better try that one again to see if these big people can get a better handle on it."


If it's behavior that can be ignored, I think that even a single split second of correction can be too much.


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## AmyC (Jul 3, 2005)

muddie said:


> I think I misrepresented the Ross Greene approach by calling it "training" with all the implications of that. I use that term because it was used in the post I was responding to. Here is a link that lays out his approach:
> 
> http://www.livesinthebalance.org/sites/default/files/Plan B Cheat Sheet Rev 11-12-12.pdf
> 
> Again, this in done proactively, not in reaction when problem behavior is in progress.


No worries about misrepresentation, muddie, I own Ross Greene's book and was already familiar with his approach (about "not in the heat of the moment") and his point that when a child is falling apart is not the time for trying to teach or coach.

It seemed to me like you brought up Ross Greene's assertions in support of someone mentioning the need to deal with various components at different times. And my first reply had described a way of responding (a general orientation and also a verbal response) in the moment when a child is acting out her upset--a way of responding that didn't involve ignoring or correcting.

The idea that "teaching" children about coping with strong emotions is something that should happen at a different time, when they are not upset, could imply that it's unwise acknowledge emotions when they're happening--that this automatically amounts to trying to teach/train/coach "in the heat of the moment." I posted again because I was wanting to assert that acknowledging emotions doesn't mean you are trying to teach or coach (or train.)

I see it as letting the feelings be as they are, while I also prevent problematic behaviors like hitting or throwing. (I don't permit more hitting, and I don't permit throwing.)

My hope was to clarify that what I was suggesting doing/saying/being "in the heat of the moment" is not _about_ teaching or coaching. I would categorize it as offering guidance simply because it is modeling a response _to_ the child that I'd consider desirable if it came _from_ the child. It's not the time for TRYING to guide or instruct a child, but responding in a way that actually models a more mature way of expressing the self is providing guidance (implicitly) to the upset child.

As far as my own experience goes, I have seen my children progress with increasing regulation -- being able as young children to pick up something AS IF to throw it, while very upset, and managing to contain that feeling without impulsively acting it out. Yes, "showing" a feeling in that way is less mature than verbalizing it, but it is clear progress in a process of development. Using pantomime to broadcast the DESIRE or IMPULSE to hit, while demonstrating self-restraint by not actually hitting in that moment, is comparatively sophisticated. (My guess is that that would be one of those behaviors you'd advocate noticing and reinforcing: showing recognition and appreciation for the positive opposite, for the restraint evidenced.)

When my children would "show" or "broadcast" their feelings that way instead of following through with the impulse, I responded the same way as I did when they hit or threw (recognizing aloud what was going on, acknowledging that they weren't happy with me or the situation.) The possibility of completing the impulse is there, but I often saw a visible relaxation simply from feeling heard/accepted. Taking them seriously and showing recognition seemed to increase the sense of connection, even when the circumstances they were unhappy about didn't change.

I've seen steady progress in my kids but I would not suggest it literally tracked in a completely linear & direct way, since it seems the biggest factor is how the child is doing in that moment, not how old she is or how far along in terms of skills/inner resources. Sometimes a stimulus feels overwhelming when at other times the same stimulus would be tolerated skillfully by the same child. The difference is one of resilience and that's a matter of that child at that moment. (The same is true for parents and the various factors that determine whether or not our "buttons are pushed" by a given stimulus at this time versus another time.)

Speaking generally, I would say the progress _does_ seem overall to be linear or direct, spotted here and there with occasional regressions. The biggest deciding factor at _those_ times seems to be my own reaction. i.e., if I tolerate the regression optimally, and can acknowledge the feelings rather than getting upset that this happened with this particular child (who reliably copes better and definitely "knows better"), a regressing child seems more apt to rebound in the moment!


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## AmyC (Jul 3, 2005)

muddie said:


> Janet Lansbury says keep it brief, avoid stern lectures:
> 
> *If it's behavior that can be ignored, I think that even a single split second of correction can be too much.*


I agree with this. I do not advocate correction at these times! And at times when it's important to stop or prevent behavior, I wouldn't advocate doing this via verbal correction or verbal instructions. I have come to think the "tone" that planned ignoring hopes to set does not actually require ignoring. My thought is that it's probably the tone or dynamic that is important, not specifically what is done by the parent. And the _type_ of attention is a very important distinction.

Janet Lansbury also makes a point to exclude emotional expression from what parents should "ignore" or should include as one of those unwanted behaviors. She specifically doesn't include crying or tantrums or protest in behaviors for parents to ignore (or to consider undesirable, as in they shouldn't be happening.)

I think in doing that, and in her discussion of those times, she makes an important distinction about the KIND of attention given to feelings. It's a distinction I'd hoped to describe! I think it is where contingent communication can come in, at these moments.

I assessed my overall experience with my kids in the earlier post in order to share that from what I can tell, acknowledgment of feelings (such as saying things like "Yes, you didn't like that") in response to problematic behaviors like hitting hasn't seemed to perpetuate the behaviors that were happening in those moments. I do think the nature of the attention you're giving is the key, though. My degree of internal regulation in the given moment is what has seemed to matter most (more than whether or not I'm "giving attention" to the behavior seems to matter.)


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