# MIL cuts your kid's hair without asking: Is it OK?



## fireHC11 (Nov 21, 2009)

I picked up my kid from my mother-in-law, an amazing woman with infinite energy to devote to helping me, and noticed his hair was... different.

"Oh, his hair was poking him in the face," she said, "so I cut it a little."

The hair that I'd been growing out for months was gone, and his bangs were crooked. He had a very bad bowl cut. In anticipation for our upcoming vacation, I'd been growing it out so that I could cut his hair (or get it cut professionally) before leaving on the trip, so that he'd look like a dashing toddler in our vacation photos. He has very thin hair, and finally has a nontrivial amount of it, so growing it out was important in making his head look full.

When I heard that she'd cut his hair without asking me, inside, I was mad. But I said, "Thank you," because my mother-in-law's culture prevents me from expressing criticism of an elder.

For me, I feel this was an overstepping of the boundaries. It's my kid's hair, and she should have at least asked first, or, even better, gently suggested that I cut his hair, if it was indeed poking him in the face (usually I brush it to the side so that it doesn't bother him).

Now he has terribly short, crooked bangs, and I'm upset.

What about you -- is it OK for your MIL to cut your kid's hair? What would you do?


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

I would have been really, really angry. I probably would have mumbled through saying something like "I wish you had asked me first." Sometimes people's "help" is not helpful. I am sorry for what happened







I get what you are saying about trying to be respectful of her culture, but I still would have been seriously displeased and p.o.'d.


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## puddle (Aug 30, 2007)

I have a friend whose MIL did this. It was her last unsupervised visit with the kids. (Not just because of that--it was just the last straw in her case.) I personally think it's totally overstepping and I would be mad.


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## Ellen Griswold (Feb 27, 2008)

My own mother-in-law had this happen to her when she was a young mom. Dh was about 3 and had the most beautiful locks of curly black hair. She left him with his grandmother (her mother-in-law) and she had cut it short. Dh is 36. MIL carries a grudge to this day.


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## CherryBombMama (Jan 25, 2010)

my MIL cut her great granddaughters bangs not too long ago, and the girls mom (MILs granddaughter) didnt even blink an eye. i even mentioned, "Oh, i see *her name* cut A's bangs. are you ok with that?" Her reply was, "well, they were kinda long."

I ended up ranting to dh that if his mom ever touched my boys hair i would be beyond pissed and he might as well warn her now not to do it. i honestly try to be as respectful as possible but I am their mom and gosh darn it I want some respect too!


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## pumpkin (Apr 8, 2003)

That would be the end of unsupervised visits for me.

My paternal grandmother cut my hair when I was a toddler. I still don't think my Mom is completely over it and I'm 37. Just mentioning it will start her on a huge rant.


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## goinggreengirl (Nov 7, 2009)

Absolutely not okay! EVER! No one except the parents (and the child itself) has the right to make that decision. My future SIL was joking about how she was going to sneak DS away to have his hair cut while I wasn't looking. I said that would be the last time they were ever allowed to touch him!


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## teraze (Apr 6, 2011)

Oh my God. NO! Totally unacceptable. I hate confrontation and always do my best to be diplomatic, but I'd be outraged if my MIL did this - and she's sweet, helpful and has my son's best interests in my mind always, but NO.WAY.


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## Katwoman (Apr 15, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fireHC11*
> 
> When I heard that she'd cut his hair without asking me, inside, I was mad. But I said, "Thank you," because my mother-in-law's culture prevents me from expressing criticism of an elder.
> 
> For me, I feel this was an overstepping of the boundaries. It's my kid's hair, and she should have at least asked first, or, even better, gently suggested that I cut his hair, if it was indeed poking him in the face (usually I brush it to the side so that it doesn't bother him).


I don't mean to be rude/snarky, I really am just curious. How is she supposed to know your boundaries if you're not allowed to tell her when she's done something outside of them? Some people are talking about nonsupervised visits - which I get are appropriate in some instances - but how come you can't just talk to her about it? (Yes, I did read she was from a different culture.) But no matter what culture you're from, saying thank you seems to indicate the person was some how helpful. How is she to know? (Yes, it would be nice if everyone had the same boundaries .... I totally agree.) But since we don't, how is she supposed to understand?


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## fireHC11 (Nov 21, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Katwoman*
> 
> I don't mean to be rude/snarky, I really am just curious. How is she supposed to know your boundaries if you're not allowed to tell her when she's done something outside of them? Some people are talking about nonsupervised visits - which I get are appropriate in some instances - but how come you can't just talk to her about it? (Yes, I did read she was from a different culture.) But no matter what culture you're from, saying thank you seems to indicate the person was some how helpful. How is she to know? (Yes, it would be nice if everyone had the same boundaries .... I totally agree.) But since we don't, how is she supposed to understand?


It is a good point, and it's complicated. At this point, my husband will have to talk to his mother, my MIL, and discuss what happened. The person closest to the relative is the one that needs to deliver the criticism. When she has an issue with something I do, she tells her son (my husband) and he tells me. It's just the way the culture works. There's no way for me to express vexation, outrage, or even concern in real time without seeming exceedingly rude.* I don't want that; I'd rather stay on amicable terms, because my MIL really does help significantly with child care while I'm at school.

* I learned this from experience -- when MIL didn't think naps were important and I grumbled loudly, she called her son (my husband) to tell him that's not OK, in vague terms. We've since worked it out, but it takes finesse and an understanding of the culture.


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## fireHC11 (Nov 21, 2009)

Well, it's going to be fixed this way: My DH quoted the OP and sent the e-mail to his dad! OMFG.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I said maybe. I have always let my dd choose when she wants a cut and how she wants it so I wouldn't be concerned if my one of my dd's grandma's brought her for a cut, or cut it themselves, with my dd's consent. She didn't have her first haircut until she was four though and I really take letting her choose seriously because her hair is part of her body. It looks like your child may be a little young to decide about a haircut though so I can see how her violating his ability to choose would make you angry.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

So do you actually mean that about your mother-in-law or are you being sarcastic? For me, the answer would depend a lot on that. If my MIL, who is not an amazing woman and who does nothing to help me and only constant passive aggressive acts, did that under the guise of "helping", I'd flip out. If any number of other people who truly are interested in helping me did that, I would disappointed that my son's hair was cut, but wouldn't be mad. I think her intentions have everything to do with it, but I'd still ask your husband to talk to her about not doing it again.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fireHC11*
> 
> my mother-in-law, an amazing woman with infinite energy to devote to helping me,


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## fireHC11 (Nov 21, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> So do you actually mean that about your mother-in-law or are you being sarcastic? For me, the answer would depend a lot on that. If my MIL, who is not an amazing woman and who does nothing to help me and only constant passive aggressive acts, did that under the guise of "helping", I'd flip out. If any number of other people who truly are interested in helping me did that, I would disappointed that my son's hair was cut, but wouldn't be mad. I think her intentions have everything to do with it, but I'd still ask your husband to talk to her about not doing it again.


Ha! No, I was not being sarcastic!  Our parenting styles do not always align, but she does everything in her power to help out whenever needed. Sometimes this includes unwanted parenting advice, and other times it involves some very silent butting of heads as our styles or cultures clash. I think she always tries to be helpful.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

What I would expect-- if my kid was with MIL, and she thought a haircut might be nice, that she'd call me, and say, "Hey, I noticed DS's hair is getting long. I have some time this afternoon-- would you want me to go ahead and cut it for you?" Then I'd say, no, thanks, we're growing it out on purpose, so I'd like you to just leave it alone. and I'd expect her to not get huffy or defensive, but just say, oh, that's fine, and move on.

Anything less, to me, would be WAY overstepping the boundaries. I understand how how complicated it can be. I come from a family/culture where if you're mad at somebody, you walk right up to them and confront them. You say what they're doing, and how you feel about it, and you tell them to stop. It's what's expected, and nobody gets particularly upset about it. If feelings run high, then maybe there's some yelling, and then everybody negotiates a solution, and goes and has a beer together.

My DH is NOT. In his family, when you're upset with somebody, you put on a really fake smile and pretend you're thrilled, and then you go home and complain, and get so-and-so to just happen to mention to so-and-so, casually like, a week later at the hairdresser, oh did you know your DIL was pissed at you about that haircut you gave her son, and then they'd gossip about it awhile, and then call the aunts and cousins and bring them into it, and then at the next family gathering somebody makes a passive-aggressive remark about it, and MIL buttons her lips and plays Ms. Superior and I have to just sit there and stew. Then a few weeks later, DH calls her and finally confronts her about the whole issue, and she bursts into tears and tells him all about how much I hate her, and how horrible it is that he lets me turn him against her. Then we all have to pretend the whole thing never happened, or we'll have to do the whole charade over again.

It makes solving problems exceedingly difficult.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

Definitely not ok. My mom cut dd's hair, crookedly and very poorly, when she was about 6 months old and I think I even posted about it here. It was just one in a long string of unacceptable things she has done, but it stung more than most. Especially because it was my daughter and I really enjoy doing her hair and dressing her and all that. It's something special for us as mother and daughter.

If it had been an unusual thing for her to overstep boundaries I would not have been as angry. It would have still stung, but I don't think I'd have been as angry. But either way, whether it's part of a pattern or not, it's not appropriate. You don't modify someone's child's body in any way without their express approval.


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

I voted maybe - I would be okay with a relative (like a MIL) cutting my kid's hair if:

They had asked first, I had made some comment myself (like oh, I just haven't had time to cut dd's hair), or my child was older (at least 5-6) and had asked them

If just a random whim of theirs to cut my kid's hair, I find that to overstep my boundaries like most others (though I'd probably say thanks and act like the OP did). And I personally really like to cut my kids hair. (Llyra - I find your post hilarious, yet I totally understand its truth.)

OP - wait a week or even just 2-3 days, you might find you can adjust the bangs enough after a short wait they won't look so bad to you.


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## SuburbanHippie (Aug 29, 2008)

Ugh. My MIL did this to me too. She cut DD's bangs that I was trying to grow out. I didn't say anything to her because her watching DD for us was really helpful, but I was soooo mad!


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## treeoflife3 (Nov 14, 2008)

I guess it depends. I can't stand my MIL but if my kid is like 7 and really wants her hair cut and my MIL takes her to cost cutters or something to get it done, I'd be annoyed she did it.. but only because I can't stand her. If my mom did the same thing, I couldn't care less. It is my kids hair and if she wants it cut a certain way, then whatever. So, if my MIL did take my kid to get her hair cut on kid's request, I'd bite my tongue because I know the real issue isn't that she paid for something my kid wanted... it's just that I don't like her... not really fair for me to say anything in that situation.

However if my MIL cut my kid's hair just because SHE wants it a certain way, I'd be peeved. It really isn't for her to decide how my kid looks. I'd feel the same if my mom did that. It's one thing to get kiddo's hair cut because she asked for it and a whole other to decide how I and my child keep her hair is 'wrong' and needs to be fixed.

with that said, I cut my bangs literally the day before picture day in kindergarten. Of course it looks awful... but it is absolutely adorable and everyone gets a kick out of the pics and story now looking back. When else can you sport an awful hair cut with a huge goofy grin? being 5 was awesome for that! and I'm the one who did it hahahaa... my mom was like 'oh well.. guess you'll look funny forever in those pics, I'm not paying for new ones!' So... a bad hair cut on a little kid wouldn't bother me simply because they make for great pics to look back on as an adult.


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## Katwoman (Apr 15, 2004)

Okay, that makes sense. At least there is a way for feedback to reach her. (Even if it's kind of awkward and round about.) I was just concerned you said thank you and she would take that to mean, she likes I cut his hair, I'll do it next time too.

Sorry that I haven't been helpful to your original question. I would be really mad. Mostly because of the whole 'had a plan for vacation" aspect. Otherwise, hair is hair and it will grow back. But when there is a plan, especially picture related plan, laid backness goes right out the window.


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## Snowflake777 (Jan 6, 2011)

Completely not ok, but bizarrely common. I've seen numerous threads about grandparents cutting kids' hair without permission.

I don't get it at all. Is a child having a haircut really such an emergency that you feel like you have to do it RIGHT NOW, without asking the parents?

OP, I'm sorry she did that. I'd be really annoyed too.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Snowflake777*
> 
> Completely not ok, but bizarrely common. I've seen numerous threads about grandparents cutting kids' hair without permission.
> 
> ...


This, exactly. The OP's scenario is a little unusual, but having specific plans for growing out hair, haircuts and/or pictures isn't unusual at all!


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

I think there's a strong passive-aggressive element to this. They disagree with how the parent is grooming the child, dressing the child, or whatever. But to actually approach the parent, and state their position-- "DS looks ridiculous with his hair like that. I think you should let me cut it."-- would open themselves up to being openly disagreed with. I know my MIL would DIE before she'd engage in that kind of open, honest disagreement. It's a lot easier for her to go ahead and do it, and then back me into a position where I can't get upset at her without looking like it's ME that's being unreasonable. I go through this with my MIL about clothes, all the time. DD1 comes home with all kinds of stuff MIL knows I would never buy, and says things like, "Oh, I know you'd never allow it, but she just WANTED it so much that I HAD to buy it." Then I find out she never even took DD to a store-- she'd already bought the stuff, and had it at home, and pushed it on DD, and now she tries and makes it seem like it was DD's idea.










I feel for the OP.


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## fireHC11 (Nov 21, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Llyra*
> 
> I think there's a strong passive-aggressive element to this. They disagree with how the parent is grooming the child, dressing the child, or whatever. But to actually approach the parent, and state their position-- "DS looks ridiculous with his hair like that. I think you should let me cut it."-- would open themselves up to being openly disagreed with. I know my MIL would DIE before she'd engage in that kind of open, honest disagreement. It's a lot easier for her to go ahead and do it, and then back me into a position where I can't get upset at her without looking like it's ME that's being unreasonable. I go through this with my MIL about clothes, all the time. DD1 comes home with all kinds of stuff MIL knows I would never buy, and says things like, "Oh, I know you'd never allow it, but she just WANTED it so much that I HAD to buy it." Then I find out she never even took DD to a store-- she'd already bought the stuff, and had it at home, and pushed it on DD, and now she tries and makes it seem like it was DD's idea.
> 
> ...


You're totally right, and I hadn't thought of it that way. When it comes to dressing my kid, I'm very glad that she -- or any of my relatives -- doesn't say, "He liked this," but instead she says, "I thought he'd like this."

In fact, we have specific outfits that we wear to grandma's house when we go visiting. Usually it's clothes that she got for him, because I know it would make her happy to see him wear the things she picked out. This goes for both grandmas and would go for friends too. Maybe this will change as my son is older and can pick out his own clothing... I dunno.

But clothes are much easier to change than hair is to grow out!

Thanks for everyone that's been supportive. Now I'm a bit worried about FIL's response to my OP, which he received by e-mail earlier this evening. I hate confrontation but having a conversation with him directly would have been much, much better than having my OP e-mailed to him by DH.


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## mommy212 (Mar 2, 2010)

Well I don't know her, so it is not easy to judge her intentions here, but I think she was trying to be helpful. Personally I would have been mortified if it was my LO because I am really attached to his hair and refuse to let anyone cut it...







Let it rest a few days or a week before you react to gauge your true anger or lack therof.


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## ~pi (May 4, 2005)

I put maybe because I could possibly be OK with it if it were done well. It's the doing it badly that would put me over the edge.

I hope your FIL responds well and you are able to do something with your toddler's hair in time for your vacation.


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

In no way ok. My FIL cut DS1's hair once. All heck broke loose. In-laws were banned from access for weeks. It was bad. My kid's body? No one's choice.


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## LessTraveledBy (Feb 9, 2005)

I think it depends on the relationship. If my mom felt my child could not see, and cut off just enough (very little), I would probably thank her. If mil did the same thing, I would be annoyed. My mom is very helpful and not manipulative, so that is why I would feel she truly was trying to do what she felt was best for the child. Mil lives far away and... well... is not my mom. It is just not the same relationship, so I would expect her to mention to me that the child had trouble seeing or something.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I voted maybe.

I would be irritated at a relative/babysitter deciding to cut a baby or toddler's hair just because it bothered the adult or if they bullied a child into getting his or her hair cut.

I think if an older child has freely given their consent then it is perfectly fine for the parent not to be consulted. I would think it downright odd to be asked if it was okay to cut my 11 year old dd's hair since that is her decision.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Llyra*
> 
> I think there's a strong passive-aggressive element to this. They disagree with how the parent is grooming the child, dressing the child, or whatever. But to actually approach the parent, and state their position-- "DS looks ridiculous with his hair like that. I think you should let me cut it."-- would open themselves up to being openly disagreed with.


I think so, too. Actually, my DH's grandfather just pulled this stunt a couple of months ago with my 2.5yo nephew. His hair had never been cut, AFAIK. His parents picked him up and Grandpa had cut his bangs all crooked. They were mad, but not mad enough to raise hell. They also told their son to say, "No, Poppa, you don't cut my hair!" I don't know whether that will work or not in the future. Grandpa is 80yo, significantly deaf and a little kooky, and I'd be personally reluctant to leave a toddler in his care, in general....but that's just me.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat*
> 
> I voted maybe.
> 
> ...


I get where you're coming from, but I think that if a relative had asked me (at age 11) if I'd like my hair to be cut by them....I would have answered under the assumption that they knew how to cut hair. I would have been upset if it turned out to be a crooked, hack-job.

An adult would possibly know that Grandma or Uncle does NOT know how to cut hair, and might decline on behalf of their child in order to save the kid from emotional duress. I can't think of a single living member of my family who I'd trust to cut my kids' hair.


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## CrazyCatLady (Aug 17, 2004)

It was rude and unnecessary of her to do. Especially if she did such a crummy job. I would gently bring this up sometime if you can, otherwise it's likely to happen again in the future.

It's the kind of thing where I would have freaked out had this been done to my dd1. But now by dd3...I would just be seriously annoyed. I hope a hair stylist can still fix the hair and have him look as handsome for the vacation as you had hoped for.


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## tinuviel_k (Apr 29, 2004)

Yikes! Your DH emailed your original post to FIL?!? What was he thinking? I hope it goes over okay... At least you were very complimentary to your MIL in the post.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *2xy*
> 
> I get where you're coming from, but I think that if a relative had asked me (at age 11) if I'd like my hair to be cut by them....I would have answered under the assumption that they knew how to cut hair. I would have been upset if it turned out to be a crooked, hack-job.
> 
> An adult would possibly know that Grandma or Uncle does NOT know how to cut hair, and might decline on behalf of their child in order to save the kid from emotional duress. I can't think of a single living member of my family who I'd trust to cut my kids' hair.


I honestly don't know if mil can cut hair. Dh's uncle can.

If dd actually agreed to someone cutting her hair without asking me my opinion then I would consider it a learning experience for her. I think we all have to learn who we trust to cut our hair.

Of course I'd help her try to fix it if she didn't like it but I wouldn't consider it something she needed to be saved from going through.


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## fireHC11 (Nov 21, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *tinuviel_k*
> 
> Yikes! Your DH emailed your original post to FIL?!? What was he thinking? I hope it goes over okay... At least you were very complimentary to your MIL in the post.


In my mind, there is no possible scenario in which it would have ended up OK. He got a response and it is exactly in line with what I would have expected: we are ungrateful bastards that can't look past one mistake to all of the nice things MIL does for us and how we never repay or even properly acknowledge her kindness. It is exactly what I would have written in his place, and I am deeply, severely embarrassed. I don't know how he, my dear, darling husband, could have thought it was OK to breach confidence (and anonymity) to e-mail that post to his father verbatim. Now I guess I need to wait for him to smooth it over, because I am much too ashamed to face his father -- and, if he shared it with MIL -- his mother as well.

This could have been handled so much better.


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## Snowflake777 (Jan 6, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fireHC11*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


He did WHAT?









What on Earth was he thinking??

I hope he can smooth it over. Ugh.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I think a lot of people make this mistake. They assume it's helping, but, it makes you really angry. I think there must be a way to let her know (without criticizing her) that it's not OK to cut your children's hair without at LEAST calling you to ask first. I think your Mother in law sounds like a wonderful grandma who just made one bad judgement call.

I had a child get her long blonde hair caught in a swing at my house. She was in a lot of pain, and I tried to untangle it, then panicked and cut it out. Later, even though her parents were understanding, I felt like there were other things I should have done instead. (like the obvious... take the swing down, then untangle it from her hair) But, I just didn't think outside the box before freaking out. I still feel really bad about that.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

I voted no, b/c it's not okay for all of the reasons pp have mentioned. It's passive-aggressive, it's taking control of someone else's parenting, and it's intensely personal for some people. That being said, I'm kind of wondering why it's SUCH a big deal. I mean, I get it if it's for religious reasons (we have friends from several different cultures and they don't cut their kids' hair for at least the first year if not beyond that (some wait 5 years) and then there's a ceremonial haircut), and I felt my son's first haircut was sort of special, but now in the grand scheme of things, it's HAIR. It'll grow back. And little kids sometimes get bad haircuts and look goofy or not how you wanted them to for a few weeks and then it's over. I know it's hard to stomach when you were trying to grow hair out or if a kid's hair is super-thin and slow growing (DS is like that), but still, it's hair. It's not permanent. It's not like some other threads where grandparents decided it was time for their 6-month-old granddaughter to have her ears pierced (also not permanent, per se, but still more of a commitment than a haircut and also possibly pain-inducing). So I'm torn. I get the visceral reaction of OMG, WHY would anyone DO that??? But then again, it's just hair. I'd get a set of clippers and give him a cute "summer" haircut and have fun making it spiky for the pics. Or buy him a cute beach hat to wear. Have some fun with it, and ask her not to do that again.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat*
> 
> If dd actually agreed to someone cutting her hair without asking me my opinion then I would consider it a learning experience for her. I think we all have to learn who we trust to cut our hair.


I think there are plenty of ways to learn things. Learning something the hard way can be a good thing for someone who simply won't listen to anyone else's opinion or advice. I don't think it's so good for someone who is just innocent and doesn't know the right questions to ask.


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

At this point I would be upset because I am not cutting DD's hair for a while yet. However if DD was older and she said she wanted it cut and was truly the one who wanted it cut then I would have no issue with it. But luckily I know MIL wouldn't overstep in that area. I think a lot really depends on the relationship if you know it is done in a passive-aggressive way then yeah huge problem with it. But if you have a good relationship and know it was meant to help and not trying to overstep then it would be okay.


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## coldandsleepy (Aug 5, 2008)

I'd be mad about it. I'd be mad about it whether it was someone with whom I clashed about other things or not-- to me, it's just a decision that parents make for their little kids and that later kids will make for themselves. Hair is not for an outside party to decide. Yes, it'll grow back, but you and your kid are the ones who have to go through it looking dorky until it does.

I would be less mad if she had taken him to have it professionally done by someone who knows how to cut bangs straight... but still annoyed. I still think it's overstepping.

Also, I would make sure that someone (and it could be your husband if you're not up to doing it yourself) tells her that you don't want her to ever do it again/that it wasn't actually helpful. It seems like a common sense thing that anyone should know... don't cut someone else's kid's hair without asking... but you know she has her own very different world view and it's obviously not common sense to her, so someone needs to tell her directly.

Edit to add: also? Really? He sent the post to your FIL? Headdesk. Headdesk.


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## konayossie (Jul 29, 2010)

I would be super mad. We didn't cut DS's hair for 25 months. It drove my parents crazy. They were always threatening to cut it; I finally put a stop to it by saying that if they did, they wouldn't be seeing him alone anymore. That shut them up... (Otherwise, they are really good with him--they just don't like long hair for boys







).


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## VocalMinority (Apr 8, 2009)

Every MIL has been a mother. And I think it's pretty common knowledge that mothers want at least SOME say in what their kids' hair looks like. I think it is always inappropriate to cut a kid's hair without an OK from Mom (unless she's out of the picture). I am anything but sexist, as far as parenting, but I still don't think an OK from Dad is quite the same. Dad might very well say, "Sure, whatever," when Mom would say, "OMG, no!!"


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## jennybear (Sep 4, 2007)

I don't think it's "okay" but I also don't think it's a huge deal. Assuming it's coming from a helpful place (which it would be in either of our mother's cases), I would just say something like, "Thanks for the trim, but in the future we'll take care of Lucy's hair." The beautiful thing about hair is that it grows back. 

I certainly can't see being so devastated that you would stop unsupervised visits or be upset for years. I would think there must be other, more significant issues going on in that case.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

too bad there was a hell no option.


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Arduinna*
> 
> too bad there was a hell no option.










Well said, Arduinna!


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## Wolfcat (Jan 10, 2006)

Well, I don't live close enough to my MIL, but my own mother does this all the time. I've let her know that as long as she uses the longest clip on the buzzers, she can do it.

The funny thing is, I didn't have clippers until about a year or so ago. The first time I cut MY son's hair, SHE got upset, like I was stepping over HER boundaries. But with my mother, the best thing to do is sigh and move on.


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## fireHC11 (Nov 21, 2009)

Arise, old thread! Guess what! She cut his hair again.

I'm more hurt than anything else. Because when I dropped the kid off this morning, and he cried and clung to me, she tried to snatch him away: "Want some cheese? Come over here! Look at this car! Your mom will be back. Want to go for a walk? Let's go wake your uncle;" meanwhile he's screaming "I want to go home" and I'm trying to whisper into his ear and be comforting, although I know MIL is trying to help, and sometimes distraction does work. And MIL kept giving me these Meaningful Looks and shaking her head and saying, "He doesn't like it at day care," implying that I should be staying home with him rather than working towards a degree. In the end, I calmed him and he was playing happily before I left. I know he likes day care, and I know that I can't give up my PhD work. And now she's cut his hair which says to me, "You're such a bad mother you can't even be trusted to keep the bangs out of his eyes."

I know I should keep perspective. But sometimes it all just bogs me down.


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## Mummoth (Oct 30, 2003)

My mom took my son for a haircut without asking me first, but it was after he'd had many haircuts before, and it was done in the same way I ask for it to be done when I take him. She trimmed DD's bangs, but again, when she was older and she did it *just* so they weren't in her eyes, the bare minimum, and well. I'm really laid back about my kids' appearances, so she knew I wouldn't mind.

It sounds like she's overstepping a lot of boundaries, and it sounds like the culture thing is a big excuse to enable her to do so. Even if that is the way her culture operates, she must be able to recognize that you were raised in a different culture than her, and might do things differently. Why should her culture be able to override yours, with your child? I don't know... maybe this is just tweaking me because my MIL pulls the "Respect your elders" card in an attempt to get what she wants. I'm a "Everyone deserves courtesy, but respect is earned." kind of girl... the claws haven't come out yet, but she lives 16 hours away. She's already told me that when we visit we'll stay in the holiday trailer, and the baby will sleep inside with her. Seriously.


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## insidevoice (Feb 16, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Mummoth*
> 
> She's already told me that when we visit we'll stay in the holiday trailer, and the baby will sleep inside with her. Seriously.


Um, wait, what?! You aren't planning a trip any time soon are you? Like, Christmas?

Grr.


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## Mummoth (Oct 30, 2003)

No! Her place is way up north, so a holiday trailer would only be a go in the summer... but regardless, I wouldn't leave my 9 or 7 year old in her care for long. She believes in "My house, my rules" to the extent that she thinks spanking her other grandchildren is okay. The only reason I've been okay with my older kids being alone with her for an hour is because I have no doubt they'd smack her right back. I didn't have to answer the trailer comment, because DH said "Over my dead body!" before I could form a courteous response!


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## midnightmommy (Apr 14, 2008)

Yeah I would be done with that nonsense. I know that finding other daycare may not be in your budget, but if it is I would do it. My family tends to do these sorts of things too. Suddenly, you aren't allowed to parent your own kids without their two cents, or them feeling they need to add their own reprimand of the child. It gets pretty ridiculous to watch my Aunt, Uncle, and both grandparents chew out my little cousin at a family dinner for something that really I don't need to know about. Your MIL is clearly trying to insert her own power. Put your foot down now before it gets worse.


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## ShanaV (Aug 5, 2010)

Wow, ka-pow! This topic has got me heated! I think I'm going to tell my mom and have my dh tell his mom TONIGHT: "Never cut the boys' hair!" just in case.


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## insidevoice (Feb 16, 2011)

My mom might cut one of the kids' hair without checking with me, but it's not likely. If she did, it would be because a. the oldest asked her to (and at nearly 10, it's her head, so I don't really fight with her about hair anymore) or b. My three year old actually allowed someone near him with scissors. Since he is terrified of that- I'd applaud any effort in that direction when he was agreeable.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

I couldn't care less if my MIL cut the kids' hair - part of it is that I don't care about hair, but part of it is that she doesn't try to alpha me ever when we disagree about childrearing stuff, so my first instinct is always to back her up when she wants to do a mommy-type thing with the kids. She's my village, y'know?

Also, my SIL is very touchy and possessive about her kids, and makes MIL walk on eggshells, and it's so revolting to watch that I further resolve never to intervene in MIL's grandmothering unless child welfare is involved. It is never involved. (SIL is improving as time goes by and her meds get refined, but still, one DIL with power/status issues is more than enough for any MIL to have to deal with).


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## Mummoth (Oct 30, 2003)

That's a good point, Smithie. If the general tone of the relationship is respectful of the parent, then things like haircuts aren't going to be as big of a deal (or if it is something that would be a big deal to the parent, the grandparent won't cut the kids hair!) It sounds like you SIL isn't very confident in her parenting, maybe? I have one SIL who I think doesn't speak up most of the time when MIL oversteps, and when she does speak up, it's very over the top (recently, they didn't speak for a few months after a blow out)

Any updates, OP?


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

Yeah, general tone is huge. Between spouses AND between the generations, IMO. If you're allies and partners generally, there's a great incentive to avoid petty conflict. If you're antagonistic generally, then anything can become The Hill To Die On.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

This is funny and not. My Mom still carries her grudge over my grandmother cutting my brothers hair. He had long brown curls... Oh the angry words that my mother said under her breathe. Did you ever tell her your plan with his hair? Some MIL just don't get it but are not trying to be pushy. Sorry I know that's annoying though. Hope you can get it fixed.


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## Mylie (Mar 15, 2004)

For me it would depend on the age of the child and I would expect a courtesy phone call before the deed was done..Now My L is only 3 right now(ok she is almost 4)and she has blond thin hair but her hair is tight ringlets that soaking wet go down to the middle of her back..She has never had a haircut and right now everyone knows that if they dare to cut her curls it will mean my laser death rays will beam upon them...LOL

But if she was older and out with my mom and she said she wanted a trim or cut I wouldn't mind as long as my mom asked ahead of time and I talked with L how she wanted it cut ect...

And I am sure that day will come eventually..And I have no problem telling people when they have overstepped their boundaries..I view this as no different than stopping my mom when she tried to give L that "just one little taste" of chocolate pudding in the restaurant at 5 months old because it won't hurt her..Sure she got mad but she got over it..And she found that yes that one little taste could have hurt her for now we know she is allergic to dairy...I believe it does take a village but their are boundaries and limits but their should also be respect and courtesy..


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

1. I have an awesome relationship with my MIL. I consider giving her lots of wiggle room with "mommy type stuff" to be my gift to her....every woman misses having little ones and grandmotherhood is the cats meow for many women. I love the man she made for me (my DH) and all the loving and wonderful things she does for me and I couldn't imagine my life without her in it. So my way of loving her back and showing my appreciation for all she does for us, is letting her relive the glory days of parenting sweet smelling little bubhees without a lot of whining and hovering, etc from me.

2. If my MIL cut my kids hair without asking me (she would never), it would be ON. I would be steaming mad.

3. If my MIL cut my kids hair under those circumstances, when I was growing it out for a vacation, I'd be HITTING THE DAMN ROOF. Seriously, my rage would consume the universe. IT would be dangerous for all inhabitants of earth.

But I'm kind of a nuts about my kids hair...I like it wild and free with little baby curls on the end. It brings me great pleasure to see it, bouncy and flowing as they run past me. *sigh* *tears welling up*

If she cut it again, I don't care what "cultural rules" I was being told I had to observe....I would be fuming and we would be hashing that shit out. Like, as in, before I left her house. THat's passive agressive ridiculousness and until I got to the bottom of it, I wouldn't feel okay leaving my kids with her. If she would try and make a power play like that, I can't imagine the types of thigns she would feel okay saying, doing, etc around my kids. Not cool. Not loving. Wouldn't put up with it.

The reason I have such an outstanding relationship with my MIL...is because our relationship is built on love, mutual respect and honesty. You are definitely missing two of these ingredients with your MIL. A relationship in which you are unable to advocate for yourself is an abusive relationship. She's not beating you, she's not talking to you like a dog....she's using culture and her "Status" to jab at you. It's like, social abuse, or something.

Out of curiosity, is your MIL Indian?


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Well, I was going to come on and say that is wasn't great, but maybe she did not know any better...but now I hear she did it again? After you (or DH) told her your feelings on it the first time? That is total upsurping of your authority, and I would either:

have it out with her if you think she can learn

or

no unsupervised visits.


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## fireHC11 (Nov 21, 2009)

Update!

So, I've decided to let it go. Because one, I don't care about hair all that much anymore. Sure, I like being the one to cut the hair, and actually, she's left quite a bit of it that I can still cut (e.g., to rid ourselves of the bowl cut! or straighten it out, at the least!). And two, I've had a long talk with MIL -- not about this, but just in general -- and have come to realize that she's not cutting hair out of domination or disrespect, but out of genuine care for the kid. AverysMomma nailed it: she misses having her own little guys, and she's anxious that everything turn out right for her kids and her only grandkid. For example, if she sees a white patch on my boy's face she puts vitamin E on it right away. If he has a runny nose, she uses herbal remedies and spares no expense to find the best ingredients for his food. She breathed such a sigh of relief when I told her it seems my kid doesn't have a peanut allergy like both of her kids do. After her own kids' illnesses and those of her siblings' kids, including traumatic hospital stays which she says bordered on child abuse, she's overwhelmingly sad when she looks at the world, and puts all of her effort, fear, and joy into my kid. It's really humbling. And she deserves my respect and all the slack I can give her.

She cut his hair both times because she saw him scratching at his neck, so she figured he's itchy, maybe his hair was poking him. It wasn't -- it was a tag on his shirt which I later removed -- but the thought is sweet. I just wish she'd asked. But now, it's OK, even if it happens again (which I'm sure it will).

Don't worry, mamas, he never had the baby curls. His hair has always been very fine and straight.
Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AverysMomma*
> 
> Out of curiosity, is your MIL Indian?


Good guess. Chinese.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

This post has cheered me and lifted me up to a higher place. Thank you for your love and respect for your MIL....it's sad to imagine that someday my kids are going to be big and grown and making their own life that doesn't so much need me in it every moment. I love mothering them so much...I can't imagine how joyous and scary and overwhelming and completely amazing it's going to be when my little babies are grown and have their own babies...and I have a chance to breathe in that baby smell again and solve great problems like "what on earth is itching this precious child!" - it feels good to solve those types of problems and I'm so completely happy that somewhere on this earth, an old chinese woman is reliving the joy of mothering a little one, because her daughter in law had the good sense and compassion to humor and old mother.

Blessings to you for your kindness, you are choosing love and happy relations over resentment in your life right now and that may not seem so completely significant in this moment, but it is a pretty majorly awesome decision to make in your life and it will bring you so much luck and happiness. <3 <3 Plus, how lucky for your little guy that he has so much fussing and loving in his life. It's a blessing to be able to say that he has two great women mothering him. I'm so happy for you.


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

not ok. my culture also frowns on disagreement to elders, but there is a way to voice your feelings while being respectful. I'd be in a rage! My parents were 'on' us to cut DS hair for nearly a year. They never got it cut themselves, but did sent him home with his bangs in a pigtail once.


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## fireHC11 (Nov 21, 2009)

Just to prove ownership I cut my son's hair last night, and now it's even worse than before! Take that, world!


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

At least you have a sense of humor about it!


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## hippiemombian (Jun 5, 2011)

I would be sooooo mad! DD2 was 3 1/2 before her hair was ever cut. I know at times it was awkward but I did not want it cut. One time i thought my exs new girlfriend cut it and I nearly spit fire! Not okay with me at all!!


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

yes!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pauletoy*
> 
> At least you have a sense of humor about it!


I should have read your update before posting! you have shown a lot of grace!


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