# Extremely needy 3 year old



## Viola P (Sep 14, 2013)

My son is turning three this month and is extremely needy. For example, today i timed it and he literally couldn't go 3 minutes without needing something. It's very exhausting as i work two very demanding jobs and come home to a very needy three year old. Sometimes i get so frustrated. I know it's not his fault but i have a hard time accepting his total lack of independence. His younger sister just turned one and will sit and play happily by herself with toys for 10-15 minutes. Ds has never done that. Still doesn't do it. He's like a baby but in a body that keeps getting bigger. I know that's so mean but it's how it feels. Like he's still so needy like a baby! It's so frustrating. And i know it's not intellectual because he's highly verbal and has been able to count for a long time and sing the alphabet for a long time and do other things that indicate that intelligence isn't the issue. Will this extreme neediness lessen at some point? I'm just so annoyed. I NEED for him to be independent a bit. It worries me immensely that he'll go to regular school (homeschooling/private school aren't options) and he'll have a very rough time adjusting. He seems to lack resilience and independence. What should i do? Help please!


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

Would it be possible to give him 10 minutes of very focused time when you first get home? That might help fill his love tank a little bit.

Something one of my friends has had success with is DS time then me time. So for 20 mins (time is arbitrary, shorter may work better to start with) she does whatever he wants her to and is totally focused on him. Then, for the next 20 minutes, he does his own thing and she gets to do what she wants uninterrupted. I imagine that it would take some time to practice this before he was able to go 20 mins without interrupting but you could work up to it. Using a timer might help so he has a visual/auditory cue. My kids have no idea how long 1 minute, 5 minutes etc is.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## muddie (Nov 10, 2014)

I would try catching him doing good, specifically catch him doing the opposite. If he is play or operates independently for more than 3 minutes, in response I would give him some warm attention, appreciation, touch. You have to sort of be monitoring for these opportunities to catch him doing good. Then extend out the time.

When he makes these excessive requests, I would be somewhat unresponsive. If I had to respond I would do so in a rote manner and leave quickly. Or, I would prompt him to do at least a small part of the task, I would not proceed without some helpful actions on his part, so there could be a positive interaction where he was helping out.

Could you give some specific examples of his behavior?


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

This is so like my DD1 (5). I was just thinking this morning about how she just has this soul-draining personality, like even when she's not asking for something she is wanting my energy and focus. It's draining and frustrating. 

The good news: At your LO's age she could not play independently at all. She would follow me around the house talking or whining or begging for stuff all day. By :
3.5 her independent play had improved and I could send her outside by herself for short periods. At 5 she plays so well on her own that sometimes I can't get her to do anything else.

I don't think anything I did really helped, although I don't tend to play and I think she got used to that. I also found that it took about 10 minutes of calm insistence and DD fussing and protesting before she could successfully accept that I needed some time. 

The bad news is that even though some things have improved - the play and her ability to do stuff on her own- she is still just a needy kid.


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## Viola P (Sep 14, 2013)

Thanks everyone. I know in my heart it's "normal" that some people are more needy than others. It's just exhausting sometimes. Of course i love my baby all the same.
@katelove: i've thought about doing this but i don't know how since it's me plus 2 children. I can't just leave my 13 month old in a corner to fill up my son's love cup. Any ideas how to do it with 2? I guess i can't do 1 on 1, maybe there's something else.

Thanks so much


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## vnroobee (Apr 15, 2015)

At 5 she plays so well on her own that sometimes I can't get her to do anything else.


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## Viola P (Sep 14, 2013)

vnroobee said:


> At 5 she plays so well on her own that sometimes I can't get her to do anything else.


That sounds kind of sad!


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## 4GreenBabies (Oct 8, 2013)

it sound like he just misses you. i have a very attached 3 yo boy as well, and i developed a theory about boys attachment vs girls attachment. my 6yo girl has always been very independent, but my 3yo boy has never been. i think its cause im a girl and hes a boy, and as he is starting to figure out his own independence, he is seeing how different he and i are, even physically. i mean, im his mom, his whole world for the first year or so, im his example and his buffer between him and the world, so when his basic foundation and understanding of 'how things work' start to change, he started to get more attached so that he could feel comforted and reassured that thing will be OK and that i am still here to take care of him. he became especially attached towards the end of my pregnancy with my twins, i mean, he wouldnt let me go the bathroom or to bed without him. once the twins were born, and nothing changed between him and i, he realized that he had nothing to worry about and he could continue to grow and develope as he needed to. i hope i expained that ok, im pretty tired.


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