# TheDARKEST place for me....Sometimes I wonder if the m/c was a mistake on the part of the ultrasound tech...



## vanessa36 (Aug 24, 2008)

I know I shouldn't let my mind go down this path, but it does. I have shared this with dh but he tries to get me to not go down this path. I totally understand why, but I think I need to share this with others, because it is my worst nightmare.

We heard a heartbeat at 11w3d. I had had some minor spotting a week earlier so the doc wanted to do a precautionary ultrasound. (But I wasn't worried because I had similar pink staining with my first two.) The ultrasound was 3 days later at 11w6d. No heartbeat, no movement from baby.

The doc told me at my d&c follow up that these late (12 weeks and later) miscarriages are so rare that she has only seen 4 in the last 5 years or so, and 2 of them were in the same week, including mine. So then I start thinking that the ultrasound tech was just an idiot and screwed up. Then I think what if they did a d&c on a living baby????? Of course that would kill the baby. What if the doc didn't tell me????

When they wheeled me away after waking me up, I saw large splotches of yellow on the operating bed and the jar of stuff that the baby was in. I was still kind of druggy so I wasn't traumatized, but now these images (and thoughts) are a bit of a nightmare to me.

I feel terribly guilty for not requesting one more look with an ultrasound. I feel guilty for not getting one more doppler check.

My dh says that there was no mistake. I think in my mind I know he is right, but this is my worst nightmare, and nightmares don't really make sense.

Vanessa


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

So, so sorry you are going through this! Take care , mama.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)




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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

I'm sorry you're struggling with this.









I remember with my last loss, even when the lab tests had the numbers at 0, I still didn't believe it. I felt that baby so strongly, I couldn't reconcile that things were at an end. I had what if thoughts for a long time.

Take all the time you need, and think about whatever you need to. Work your way through this, in whatever manner you need.

Peaceful, healing thoughts to you.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

:

I am so sorry for your loss... Denial is one of the stages of grief, and it looks like you are going through that right now. It's a perfectly normal thing to experience, although it just sucks. Peace and light.... Take all of the time you need to reconcile things in your head and heart.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)




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## 2 in August (Jan 6, 2006)




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## mrsfatty (Dec 21, 2004)

Ugh--I've had the same kind of night-mares...so not fun!

I'm so sorry for your loss--hopefully you can find peace soon.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

i'm so sorry for your loss and that you are struggling right now with what happened. I've been there myself, and it just took time to really work thorough it like a pp suggested. Peace, love and light to you.


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

vanessa,

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Hugs.

I'm an obstetrical nurse (and mama to a lost baby as well), and if it makes you feel any better, once the mama is asleep, or at least heavily sedated, another sonogram is done before the procedure, to verify no heartbeat. This is done for legal reasons, as well as dr's peace of mind--people make mistakes, it's part of what makes them human. But it's very likely that they double checked.

(just curious, did the doctor look at the sonogram while it was being performed?)

The reason they wait till mama is sleeping or out of it is because it's often a terrible "hopes up" kind of moment, most often followed by the affirmation "No, no heartbeat".

I'm not sure what exactly about the yellow splotches are nightmarish to you, but if it helps any, it sounds like this was just an iodine based skin cleanser.

Whether or not this post brings you any comfort, I hope that you are able to come to peace with your loss and experiences related to that loss.


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## vanessa36 (Aug 24, 2008)

Thank you so much. That does help a great deal. I have come to terms with the loss as being real recently, but it does help to know that another U/S was done. The doc did NOT look at the ultrasound while it was being done. She actually wasn't even supposed to be in the office that day.

The yellow stuff..I thought it had come from my body. Whew. I'm glad to hear it was a cleanser. It just looked so strange to me.

I am definitely recovering now, and I've had AF so I can think about TTC again soon.

Thank you SO much for that reassurance.

Vanessa


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## MotherMama (Mar 31, 2008)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I let my mind go there too. I took Cyotec to get things going, and I have thought in the aftermath what if they weren't 100% sure?
If it makes you feel better make an appointment with you OB to ask these questions. It may give you closure.


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## baileyandmikey (Jan 4, 2005)

I am sorry you have to go thru this. I feel the same way about my first whom I m/c at 12 weeks.... I always have nagging thoughts that I should have never had the d and c and should have waited just to be sure. Life gets better over time... I promise.


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## eckyi (Sep 4, 2008)

CookieMonsterMommy said:


> I'm an obstetrical nurse (and mama to a lost baby as well), and if it makes you feel any better, once the mama is asleep, or at least heavily sedated, another sonogram is done before the procedure, to verify no heartbeat. This is done for legal reasons, as well as dr's peace of mind--people make mistakes, it's part of what makes them human. But it's very likely that they double checked.
> 
> I'm not sure what exactly about the yellow splotches are nightmarish to you, but if it helps any, it sounds like this was just an iodine based skin cleanser.
> 
> ...


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

I had an ultrasound on march 31st (03) that showed my baby had no heartbeat. I was repeated two days later before the induction. Still no heartbeat.

I went through a stage where i thought they lied to me and just wanted the pregnancy terminated. The thoughts that go through your head can wreak havoc on you.

I'm sorry about your loss!!


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## lovemybabies924 (Aug 8, 2008)




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## RainbowEarthFaerie (Oct 11, 2006)

I have nightmare thoughts like that as well. I found out at my ultrasound that there was no heartbeat. I waited for a few weeks, then started some herbs to move things along. It wasn't until after I passed the babies that I found out there was 2. I kept thinking, what if only one had died? What if I killed the other one?


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