# supporting someone thru a miscarriage



## [email protected] (Jan 5, 2002)

we have family that lives on the other coast that just had a miscarriage

we'd like to be supportive without being insensitive

i was thinking of a "thoughts are with you" card and a note to be gentle with themselves

is there anything more we can do or say?

better yet - are the cliches that just bug the crap out of someone in this situation??? (i would never use the God's will; or must have been a reason kind of things)

our hearts break for them and we want them to know that


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Quote:

our hearts break for them and we want them to know that
A note in the mail saying that would be wonderful.


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

This may be bumped to Pregnancy and Birth Loss by a mod.

I appreciate your caring thoughts-just letting that show through (that you care) will be helpful.

Please look under pregnancy and birth loss, BearsMomma (sp?) just started a similar thread and got many thoughtful responses.

Best Wishes,
Kelly


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *[email protected]*
better yet - are the cliches that just bug the crap out of someone in this situation??? (i would never use the God's will; or must have been a reason kind of things)


Never reassure her that she can have more children/another child. She lost THIS one and wanted THIS one.

Never say how good it is that "at least it wasn't a baby that you got to know and love" or "at least you don't have to go through a funeral"

I'm sure that this seems obvious, but damn you'd be surprised.









Kelly


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## Autumnschild (Jul 20, 2004)

I agree with Kelly. Don't downplay it. They need time to grieve. It is a legitimate loss. A note or card would be very thoughtful. "I'm sorry for your loss. Our hearts are with you", etc. My own best friend had a miscarriage years ago and I was one of those people who didn't understand and told her she'd be okay and would have another. I couldn't understand why she withdrew from me during that time. Years later, I had a miscarriage myself. My husband and I had just announced the pregnancy at his dad's retirement party. So when I lost the baby, I got a lot of responses and the ones who made me feel like I shouldn't be grieving hurt me the most. The people who I considered supportive were the ones who acknowledged my grief. I had to go back and apologize to my best friend all of these years later for not understanding what she needed to hear at the time.


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## MommytoMJM (Aug 3, 2004)

I haven't miscarried before, but I lost a little boy that we were supposed to adopt, he was with us for four days. The number of people that said to me "well, at least you only had him four days" was really alarming, 4 days, 4 weeks, 4 years, he was still our son in my mind and it couldn't have been more painful. In fact, it almost made me not want to try to adopt again. We only have MJ because my husband made me agree to try one more time and if it didn't work that time we could stop. Anyway, long story short, no matter how much it is tempting to use platitudes, don't. I really appreciated the folks who let me talk about my pain and dissapointment. People somehow figured because he was adopted, it shouldn't hurt as much, and from talking to other people, I guess it is somehow that was with miscarriages too.

Ok, sorry, off my soapbox now, this one just hit me really hard. I still think of Cody everyday and it has been 4 years this halloween since we lost him.


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## [email protected] (Jan 5, 2002)

they're in the middle of planning their wedding so i'm feeling like they won't be allowed to grieve and i feel even sadder for them because of that


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Depending on how close you are, can you:

Assure her that it would be OKAY to postpone the wedding to allow the grieving process?

Offer to handle some of the lesser details so that she can focus inward (flowers or china maybe?)?

Or if you live far away-which you said you did--suggest that she delegate these jobs to relatives that live closer?

Let her know that no one expects her to be Super Mom or Super Wife or anything like that?

Again, best wishes


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

It's so sweet that you care so deeply.

I just stickied a thread we've been collectively working on with suggestions for families and friends of grieving parents. It's a bit scattered as we're still working on it, but I hope this helps.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=130836


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