# small potty learning vent. (Other people's, not mine)



## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

I don't usually like to talk about other people's parenting. And, I try to gd as much as possible. I believe in live and let live for the most part...

But something always rubs me raw when I hear parents talking about how they potty learned their toddlers in un-gentle ways. Regardless of where one stands with gd, potty learning should be taught with gentleness, respect, dignity, and understanding of the child's mentality, and patience in my opinion.

It's common, and usually spoken of with pride to me that when somebody explains how they "got their kid to learn" buy "whooping them once", or "putting ice down in their underwear every time he wet".

It really bums me out. And this happens to me often. Today, I walked into a drug store right into a circle of people talking about how they pottied their kids because one lady had her little boy with her 3, almost 4, and he still hasn't quite got it yet. One cashier bragged how she only had to spank her own kid "once" but he got it.

I, being an a foul mood today anyhow, piped in that I have a 2.5 year old, and I only let him go naked, and he's just about got it. I don't have to spank him over it, he wants to be naked anyway, doesn't like to be wet, and got the naked thing down in one day.

(And the lady who spanked subsequently starts to defend herself, while I purchase my eyeglass repair kit and hastily leave out. I didn't really want to give the impression that I agreed with what she was saying.)

It's really starting to bum me out. I mean, I heard it once or twice and didn't think much of it, but I hear it ALL the time, now, as a normal practice. It also bums me out how they shamed the little 3/4 year old in there. My kid is too young to care, but I think that child was old enough to not want random cashiers in the store to know about his potty habits, you know?

Sorry, I just needed to get this out, it's been eating me up for a very long time now, and it builds up each time I have to hear about it...

I'm more than likely to hear about it again at some point, seeing as how my kid is around that age, and I"m reluctantly realizing that it's a common practice around here in this completely backwards, mostly uneducated small town where I'm forced to live for the time being...It'd be nice to have a few comments up my sleeve to say to people to let them know I highly disagree with potty-teaching in a non-gentle way. Any suggestions, or ways of avoiding the topic, would be great.


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## macca (Jan 6, 2006)

:

I thought even mainstream sources advised against punishments/scoldings as a potty training technique. I've never heard of this sort of thing. Wow.


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## suprgrl (Sep 27, 2005)

A friend of mine was laughing recently about how they potty trained their youngest daughter. Any time she had an accident they would take her outside and hose her off with the garden hose. They went on to say that this happened in the winter!







: So, yeah.... they would strip the poor girl naked, and haul her outside to hose her off in the 20 degree winter weather.







I was in such shock, I am not sure I even said anything at all except just to look dumbfounded with my jaw on the floor. I felt soooo bad for the sweet little girl. Her parents were so proud that she had learned faster than either of their other girls and that they had come up with such a "wonderful" way to teach her.... disgusting. I wish they had just bribed her with chocolate like my other friend did with her daughter.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *suprgrl* 
A friend of mine was laughing recently about how they potty trained their youngest daughter. Any time she had an accident they would take her outside and hose her off with the garden hose. They went on to say that this happened in the winter!







: So, yeah.... they would strip the poor girl naked, and haul her outside to hose her off in the 20 degree winter weather.







I was in such shock, I am not sure I even said anything at all except just to look dumbfounded with my jaw on the floor. I felt soooo bad for the sweet little girl. Her parents were so proud that she had learned faster than either of their other girls and that they had come up with such a "wonderful" way to teach her.... disgusting. I wish they had just bribed her with chocolate like my other friend did with her daughter.
















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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

That's disgusting. I wonder how they'd react if they were old in a nursing home, and maybe becoming slightly incontinent if the nurses treated them the same way. Yuck.


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## graceshappymum (May 11, 2006)

Ok.....sorry, are we the only normal people on the planet? If I knew somone who hosed thier child off in the winter, I would be calling CPS.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *suprgrl* 
A friend of mine was laughing recently about how they potty trained their youngest daughter. Any time she had an accident they would take her outside and hose her off with the garden hose. They went on to say that this happened in the winter!







: So, yeah.... they would strip the poor girl naked, and haul her outside to hose her off in the 20 degree winter weather.







I was in such shock, I am not sure I even said anything at all except just to look dumbfounded with my jaw on the floor. I felt soooo bad for the sweet little girl. Her parents were so proud that she had learned faster than either of their other girls and that they had come up with such a "wonderful" way to teach her.... disgusting. I wish they had just bribed her with chocolate like my other friend did with her daughter.

"I'm sorry but I can't be friends with someone who would ever do something like that to _anyone_ let alone their own child. Good bye."


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## grantskismom+1 (Mar 8, 2008)

I'm beginning to realize that potty training brings out the worst in people. It leaves me dumbfounded. I'm constantly amazes about the unsolicitated advice I receive on potty training. I surprisingly never received unsolicitated advice when it came to my kids and sleep but everyone has an opinion on potty training and more often than not people think it's find to just treat kids like garbage when they soil their diapers.

Just recently I was visiting my parents. I received comments from them how I needed to start potty training him but made it clear that we've been working on it for about 6 months but my 3 year old just wasn't ready yet. They seemed to accept it. One day while I was visiting my grandmother was watching my son. When I returned my grandmother marched my son to me with a scowl on her face. When my son was at my feet she very angrily said, "This little boy pooped in his diaper and didn't tell me about it. I told him how bad he was."







I just about lost it on her. Needless to say the woman will never be watching my children alone again.

I've come to the conclusion that cruelty in potty training is somewhat the norm. It never occured to me to get remotely upset about a child soil himself. There are a lot of things that my son does that makes me angry but relieving himself isn't one of them. When I hear friends talk about how they treat their children through the potty training process I'm horrified.


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## fresh_water (Feb 29, 2008)

If I knew of someone doing that crap to their child, I'd be on the phone with CPS. That's NOT ok and it's verging on abuse, IMO.


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## JamieCatheryn (Dec 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fresh_water* 
If I knew of someone doing that crap to their child, I'd be on the phone with CPS. That's NOT ok and it's verging on abuse, IMO.

Verging on? Spanking wouldn't be a CPS issue though it's wrong, but the hosing off in winter?!? That's clear cut abuse to me. Ice in the underwear would warrant further investigation too.


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## macca (Jan 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JamieCatheryn* 
Verging on? Spanking wouldn't be a CPS issue though it's wrong, but the hosing off in winter?!? That's clear cut abuse to me.









:


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## suprgrl (Sep 27, 2005)

CPS is such a hard call to make. These parents do love their girls very much and in other areas are more GD than my other friends. There is so much that this family does so well, I would never want them to risk losing their girls. However I agree that how they treated their daughter while potty training her was aweful and wrong. I wish I could have come up with a good response on the spot. It was the little girl's birthday party where the parents were talking about this.... it was hard to know what to do in the moment I was so shocked... partly cause it seemed so out of character for how I see these parents act with thier kids.

nak


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## cyncyn (Nov 19, 2004)

I agree it is almost common for parents to be proud of how they forced their child to use the toilet with punishments. Many times too, the child has been in disposable diapers and/or pull ups and really has no clue about why they are being punished. They've never felt wet and now all of a sudden, they are supposed to know *before they even go* that they need the toilet. I remember hearing one of the dcp at a place dd attended for a few weeks tell a prospective client how she trained "x" to use the toilet in one week. Well, the look on poor little "x" said it all (he was standing right there) - that must have been a brutal week! It is so much better to follow your child's lead and not push your own agenda onto them.


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## macca (Jan 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *suprgrl* 
CPS is such a hard call to make. These parents do love their girls very much and in other areas are more GD than my other friends. There is so much that this family does so well, I would never want them to risk losing their girls. However I agree that how they treated their daughter while potty training her was aweful and wrong. I wish I could have come up with a good response on the spot. It was the little girl's birthday party where the parents were talking about this.... it was hard to know what to do in the moment I was so shocked... partly cause it seemed so out of character for how I see these parents act with thier kids.

Well, I don't know about CPS, but that potty training "technique" was absolutely abuse, even if it was just a one-time thing


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## boringscreenname (Sep 26, 2007)

When I was potty training my parents left me with a baby-sitter who would make me sit on the potty chair for hours on end. It got so bad, I had rings around my butt at the end of the day, and if I had any accidents I was put in pull-ups. Then my parents wondered why I had such a fear of the toilet and why it took until I was nearly 5 for me to fully potty train.

Kids will potty train when they're ready, forcing them to before then is just going to create issues, power struggles and fear.


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## neveryoumindthere (Mar 21, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boringscreenname* 
When I was potty training my parents left me with a baby-sitter who would make me sit on the potty chair for hours on end. It got so bad, I had rings around my butt at the end of the day, and if I had any accidents I was put in pull-ups. Then my parents wondered why I had such a fear of the toilet and why it took until I was nearly 5 for me to fully potty train.

Kids will potty train when they're ready, forcing them to before then is just going to create issues, power struggles and fear.


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## Onemagicmummy (Jul 27, 2007)

with DS1 i was so mainstream its scary to look back, i scolded etc he was dry jsut after he was 3.
with DD1 i just left ehr to her own devices and didnt push hre at all. she was dry jsut after she was 3. during this time i was asked 5 times by HV how potty training was going, i was so annoyed as on one hand i was being told my house smelled bad cos of the wee from accidents and it was a "cause for concern" new carpets, new beds regular washing of bedding didnt change the fact that sometiems my house smelt of wee(upstai4rs flat, no garden) and then i get told i should be potty trainig abbie by jsut not putting a nappy on her (yeah i had a newborn at the time) and iwas liek yeah way to be two faced!
with DS2 he is 2 and halfish and still no where near ready.

i am gonna jstu let him be he will be dry when he is 3.

here in UK there is a bit of pressure to have kids dry by 3 as school will not take a child who needs a nappy change in school time soif they are not dry during day but time they start school school wont take them.

Kiz


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## iowaorganic (May 19, 2007)

Oh these are terrible. We are just starting to move into the world of potty chairs with DD (28 mo). We are already starting to get advice on how to do it. My cousin with a 3.5, a 1.5 and another on the way told me that everytime her little girls don't make it to the potty they get a spanking. And what is more is the 3.5 little girl plays with her baby doll this way. Oh- it is soooooo sad.

I have tried to mention the correlation between spanking and taking 2 years to potty learn..... You would think that a parent would not try sooo hard.


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## Qestia (Sep 26, 2005)

I don't know what the deal is either. I am super type A, so as a parent, I am consciously trying NOT to be controlling about the potty learning thing (same with food, it's a conscious decision on my part, every day, to not get upset about this issue). I know getting stressed about it won't make it go any faster. So my in laws have taken it upon themselves to offer helpful, new, unsolicited advice a few times a week. Fortunately it's by phone with my DH--they live a long way away--but we have never asked them for advice or even brought it up to them--it's all on their part. What is the obsession? Like walking, talking, solids, DS will be ready when he's ready. We can't make him be ready!


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

You know another horrible aspect to all this? I'd bet that if these people had learned about ECing when their kids were babies most of them would've refused to consider it because they would think ECing was mean or something--"no, s/he's not ready for potty training!"


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## hedgewitch (Jan 24, 2008)

I've never hear anyone saying anything like this. If I did I think I would be forced to vomit on them. You are super unlucky to be hearing this rubbish, does it really make sense to people to punish children over when they wee and poo? Is anyone that low?

Yuk and sorry for you. You are right this is appalling and should not be countenanced.







:


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *grantskismom+1* 
IIt never occured to me to get remotely upset about a child soil himself. There are a lot of things that my son does that makes me angry but relieving himself isn't one of them.

This is exactly how I feel. It's pretty ridiculous. Parenting around here seems to be on the harsh side, but the increasingly apparent common grounds around here on harsh potty training has forced me gradually to a level of shock that makes me want to move. It's just everywhere. It's "normal". I'm usually so shocked when some one suggests it that I don't know what to say. I wish I had words to formulate to these people.


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## Plummeting (Dec 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
You know another horrible aspect to all this? I'd bet that if these people had learned about ECing when their kids were babies most of them would've refused to consider it because they would think ECing was mean or something--"no, s/he's not ready for potty training!"

That's EXACTLY right. We EC'ed and that's exactly what the "spank 'em till they learn not to pee their pants" relatives of ours said when DD was a baby. "Oh, she's too little! That will never work. Babies are physically _incapable_ of having any control whatsoever over their bladder and bowels, you know. It's literally _impossible_! That's why people in civilization use diapers." Nevermind that our DD's last poopy diaper was at _6 months of age,_ she stopped having wet diapers at night by 5 months of age and that she was _completely_ out of diapers (with no drama whatsoever) by 17 months of age with only two accidents _ever_ since then - she'll be 4 next week.

I will never understand people. On the one hand, they insist it's impossible for kids to control their elimination until some magical age, then on the other hand they decide that at said magical age, kids must be spanked, shamed or otherwise mistreated into eliminating in the right spot, at the right time, every time. So dumb.


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## barefootpoetry (Jul 19, 2007)

OMG, I'm really shocked to hear all this. As much as PLing frustrates me, I would NEVER hit or otherwise harm my child as punishment for accidents! How awful!







I don't have clear memories of this, but I think something like this must have happened to me, because I was terrified to go #2 and would hold it in for literally weeks on end until it would be coming out on its own in my underwear. My colon was so distended from constantly doing this that I didn't form a normal "poop schedule" until after I graduated high school, even though I had long since gotten over my terror of pooping.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Plummeting* 
I will never understand people. On the one hand, they insist it's impossible for kids to control their elimination until some magical age, then on the other hand they decide that at said magical age, kids must be spanked, shamed or otherwise mistreated into eliminating in the right spot, at the right time, every time. So dumb.

This is actually one of my main rants about life
How am I supposed to learn tolerance if the people who disagree with me refuse to use logic?
How do you "see the other person's point of view" when the other person doesn't care enough about their own point of view to even pretend to make it consistent?

Sigh. I'd be a much better person if people would stop being stupid.







Yes, I know how that sounds, but seriously, look at the examples in this thread, I'm not expecting people to be perfect, the commonsense of a turnip would suffice.


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## Rockies5 (May 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
This is actually one of my main rants about life
How am I supposed to learn tolerance if the people who disagree with me refuse to use logic?
How do you "see the other person's point of view" when the other person doesn't care enough about their own point of view to even pretend to make it consistent?









this may be the most true (and funny) statement I hav ever read here at MDC in all my years (8??) lurking.


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## Miasmamma (Sep 20, 2006)

Reading this makes my heart hurt for those children who will never have the experiance of mommy and daddy clapping and cheering when they pee. Which is what we do on a daily basis now that DD, 23 months, has started using the potty at home. I still think I may try a reward system for when she's at MIL's house. But then again I just don't think she realizes that she can use the potty there too. It's only been there a week or so. I'm sure she'll figure it out eventually.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *barefootpoetry* 
OMG, I'm really shocked to hear all this. As much as PLing frustrates me, I would NEVER hit or otherwise harm my child as punishment for accidents! How awful!







I don't have clear memories of this, but I think something like this must have happened to me, because I was terrified to go #2 and would hold it in for literally weeks on end until it would be coming out on its own in my underwear. My colon was so distended from constantly doing this that I didn't form a normal "poop schedule" until after I graduated high school, even though I had long since gotten over my terror of pooping.

That' awful...I have an acquaintence whose husband harshly punishes his kids for not pottying in the right place. She left for a few days and left one of the boys with his daddy, and he would not poop the whole time she was gone. I didn't realize at the time that he harshly treated the kids for #2ing in the wrong place until much later, and now looking back, "holding poop until mommy gets back" makes sense as to what he was doing.







(Of course, acquaintence sees nothing wrong with spanking because of potty mistakes.







She just leaves it up to the hubby to do. )


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## eli janine (Jun 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
This is actually one of my main rants about life
How am I supposed to learn tolerance if the people who disagree with me refuse to use logic?
How do you "see the other person's point of view" when the other person doesn't care enough about their own point of view to even pretend to make it consistent?

Sigh. I'd be a much better person if people would stop being stupid.







Yes, I know how that sounds, but seriously, look at the examples in this thread, I'm not expecting people to be perfect, the commonsense of a turnip would suffice.

















This post is almost good enough to make me use that creepy disembodied hands clapping smilie. Almost.
ITA, sapphirechan!


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## Miranda2r14 (Jan 20, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
I'd be a much better person if people would stop being stupid.

You totally deserve a DDDC for that


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