# Handling realization that you will only have one child



## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

I've always thought that I would have 2 kids and I've always wanted two. But, due to a laundry list of reasons, I think that we will probably stop with just one, my dd who is now 13 months old. My dh is especially convinced that all we need is one child.

I feel incredibly blessed to have a beautiful baby girl. It was difficult conceiving her, and was a difficult pregnancy. But, I feel a sense of loss accepting that I'll never have another sweet little baby and will never again experience those stages that she has already been through. Maybe all parents feel this way when they realize they are "done" having kids. I feel guilty for not being 100% satisfied with what I have right now.

I have these weird thoughts that I'm taking the easy way out and that people with more than one kid will look down on me b/c I don't have it as hard as them or I couldn't handle more than one (stupid, I know, and irrational.)

I just pictured my dd with a sibling and myself with a bit larger family. Can anyone relate to some of my thoughts/feelings? I used to wonder why people would stop at one child by choice and feel sorry for people with only one (also silly.)

Life doesn't work out the way we plan it. I have a beautiful life right now and I need to purge these strange thoughts from my mind and change my perception.

This isn't dominating my thoughts, but because we had a major conversation about it this weekend, it seems very real to me right now. My hopes of #2 are fading.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Oh I definitely relate.

After years of infertility, my first child (full term) died due to a cord accident. We were lucky to conceive and carry my son. But since then no luck, and now I'm 39 and might be going into menopause early.

It is sad. I really feel like two was sort of the number. Emily's place will always be empty even if we were to have a third child, but having just one feels a little wrong. Not hugely wrong, but off.

However, we have a great life as the family we are. If we only have the one we will have more resources and in some ways freedom, like to travel. There are up sides.









We might look at adopting an older child, but when our son is older too.

Anyways - yes I relate, totally.


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## mummyofan (Jun 25, 2008)

nothing really to say, but wanted to chime in with a huggy sort of post.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

My situation is different, but I can relate.

First let me tell you about how I relate, and then let me say something that I hope might help.

Very, very early on in my relationship with dw, we had a conversation about family size. I had always wanted children, and had always wanted a big family. I wanted six children. Since I was interested in getting married and having a family, I actually wasn't too interested in dating anyone for whom marriage and a big family wasn't also an interest. dw at first said she wanted two, but later we decided together-- with her full support-- that four was the best number for us. Before we had any "forever" kids we were foster parents. When we started foster parenting, we talked about how we would probably come back and foster a second go-round after retirement. We loved parenting together and wanted a lifetime of it. For almost eleven years, this is the direction we've been headed.

Now we have two "forever" kids, and this winter dw and I went through some really, really, really difficult discussions. For a variety of reasons, most of it financial, dw was suddenly feeling a change of heart. She told me she wasn't sure we were going to have any more. I was absolutely crushed. It was a huge low point in our marriage. It's like we looked at each other and went "Who are you? Who have you become, and what do you want in life now?" and realized our hearts were in polar opposite regions of the universe on a number of issues including kids. Though this wasn't the only issue, we actually briefly talked about divorce. I grieved and grieved BIG time.

We decided very early on that divorce was not truly an option for us, but we slowly and painfully muddled through the spring. Since then, we've been doing some serious work on ourselves and on our relationship, and we've been moving through some more conversations about our family. dw's heart has opened again about having more, but it definitely is going to be a while before that happens. dw actually wouldn't mind if we have our next kid when our current two are in high school or something, and that just doesn't feel okay to me whatsoever. The whole thing still makes me sad, as I don't want to have my children spaced soooo far apart, but I am coming to peace with the idea of waiting a while.

So that brings me to the only thing I have to offer which may be of some comfort. I've been trying to make peace with this in a big-time way. As a part of that process of trying to make peace with the uncertain future, I have now convinced myself of the virtues of small families. And as a result, I have actually developed an ironic sense of jealousy for parents of "only-children." I wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world, and I love parenting them very much and feel am glad that they get to be brother and sister...BUT...I think back to what it was like when I just had the one, and _I wish they could have each had more of that, for much longer_.

When I was a parent of "only" one, I was the best parent I will probably ever be. I was able to follow my kid's lead truly and fully, to be completely attentive, to match my life to my kid's personality. I was way more patient. Sometimes now I feel like such a rotten mom. I've done many things I've said I'd never, ever, ever do. I've stuck them in front of a video so I could get something done. I've yelled and been mean. I've forced one into the other's schedule just to maintain my own sanity. I've made each one of them wait far too long while I've attended to the other. I feel like I am only occassionally at my "best" anymore. One kid is always getting the short-end of the stick. They fight over my attention. Sometimes I wonder if I push them away at times, subconciously, because when they fight over me I feel smothered. I don't even take as many pictures of the kids. I know I am painting an ugly picture, and it sounds joyless (which it totally isn't...I ADORE my kids), but it's how it *feels* sometimes. Parenting two kids has made my parenting self-esteem take a dip.

Sometimes I do look at parents of only children, especially when they are kids without special needs (my kids both have special needs), and yeah, I DO think (I am ashamed to say), "they have no idea, they can't possibly know how hard it is at times." But then I turn around and look at all the cool things they get to do with their kids, and how much love and attention their kids get all the time, and I think, "what amazing parents." The best blogs I read are parents of only-children. They post all these great pictures of their amazing homeschooling adventures or their fabulous family extra-curriculars and I look at the photos and read their stories and am in AWE. There is no way I can acheive that level with my two. So they get half of that. Not as bad as I probably make it sound, but I really wish they could get more.

You really do have a good thing going! Hope that helps.


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## LiamnEmma (Nov 20, 2001)

I don't know that I can truly relate--we stopped at two and I was hoping for three or four, but I did want to say that at times I watch parents of one child and realize that there is a certain something each of my children misses out on with a sibling. Of course, there are things that they have that a child without siblings in the house does not have as well, but I can see some of the advantages to that life and lifestyle. I guess I just kind of wanted to address the condescension aspect of your post. Yup, some people will look down their noses, but if it wasn't that you may be a one-child family, it'd be the color of your hair, or the tires on your vehicle, or some other thing that has nothing whatsoever to do with the value of your family, your child, you. So give them the figurative bird and cherish this. {{hug}}


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## green betty (Jun 13, 2004)

I can relate... way too well. We have one and we're going to stay our hand, also for a big bundle of reasons. I always imagined I'd have at least two. It's hard.

It's hard when your baby moves out of the baby stages and you realize that the baby stuff--which you were still getting used to!--is gone forever, and it's hard when your friends have second and third children (and complain to you about the difficulties of having them), and it's hard when people (like my neighbor, ugh) prod at you about when you're going to have another one.

But it gets easier over time. Now that my dc is almost 5 and I can do lots of fun things with him that I couldn't manage with a baby it feels quite different. I'm also pursuing a satisfying career in a way I wouldn't be able to do with more than one kid, and actually I was surprised at how huge a difference that made.

Give yourself permission to feel sad, or grumpy, or however you feel about it. You can know that you're making the right choice and still grieve the path not taken.


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## jjawm (Jun 17, 2007)

I have only one, who was conceived through IVF. Dh and I can't afford to do another round, and we've tried naturally for years with no sucess. I'm trying to come to terms with it, but it's hard.

For me, I want to be able to plan, to know what's ahead. I am getting rid of all her baby stuff (she's 2 1/2). I'm starting a volunteer position at a homeless shelter. I'm working on getting my social work license back so I can go back to work eventually. And I'm starting the pill, because I am getting excited about working, excited about having just dd, even though it means she will be an only child (she has two stepbrothers, though). I think I AM a better mom to one than I would be to two or three.


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## mamakah (Nov 5, 2008)

I'm going through the exact same emotions. I recently realized that it would probably be "best" if we didn't have more children. We have a 15 month old son and my dh has a 10 yr old daughter. He is done. I feel like I want to experience pregnancy, birth, and all the wonderful moments afterwards again. I had a major complication after giving birth to my son and almost died from hemoraging. They think it could happen again and any future pregnancys would be considered high risk.







It is very sad to feel like you may never experience that particular joy again. <hug>


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## robinCBN (Jan 22, 2008)

Right now I am waiting to miscarry for the second time after having dd three years ago. The decision to have a second child was sort of hard, but once we made it, now the realization that we will probably not have that second child is really tough (on top of loosing 2). I am almost 41 and would be 42 probably before I would have another and that is getting beyond my comfort zone for the risk of birth defects. I had thought I would not try again if I lost this one, but now I don't know what to do or think.

Its hard to rework what you thought would be. I too want to be able to plan the next few years. Its a hard thing for all of us.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Oooooh I can relate both to the OP and you Robin. I had 2 miscarriages before having DD, and I was 42 when I gave birth to her. She's not only healthy and fine, she's actually a little star and so so smart and strong, and I'm incredibly grateful.

But having another would mean I'd probably be 44, which is possible (I know several moms who've had healthy babies at that age), but there are so many risks and higher chances of problems.

And it's interesting to me that before DD was born, I was NOT someone who clearly wanted more than one. I was an only child, had a great childhood, and thought that would be fine. But now that I have her... NOW I feel like it would be great for her to have a sibling and I really want another child.

Whether we try for 2 or not, I know that the best laid plans... so I'm trying to treasure every moment of DD's babyhood because I am very aware it may be the only time I experience it. And it is a hard realization, even if I'm only recently really wanting more than one.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

I'm sorry, OP.







There's nothing silly about the way you're feeling; I can completely understand feeling that way. We always wanted two kids, and we have two, and with my DD (the baby), I *know* that each stage she goes through is the last time I'll experience that with a baby, so I'm able to appreciate it as it happens and then sort of say goodbye and "pack it away" in my memory as it passes.

If I had had my first baby assuming I'd have a second, but then that second one never happened, I can totally see how you'd feel a sense of "but wait, I didn't _know_ those stages were the last ones for us -- I didn't get to say goodbye to them!" That would be really hard.


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## Green Eyes (Apr 10, 2009)

I understand how you are feeling!

My husband wanted three children when we got married; I thought one or two would be okay, so we compromised and said we would have two. Nature had other plans, though, and we had our one miracle little girl and that was all we could have...

For years, I secretly hoped I'd somehow get pregnant again, but it never happened.

One thing is for certain, my husband and I have enjoyed every minute with our daughter. We know we get only one chance to experience our child growing up, so we take nothing for granted!

I'm so glad I had the chance to experience parenthood at all! I hope you can also come to peace with your circumstances, there are really lots of good things about having an only, too.


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## LuxPerpetua (Dec 17, 2003)

I understand where you are coming from! I've been down that path myself.

We are stopping at one child. We could have more but for a host of reasons we feel that one is best for us. I went through a period of grieving but I think what helped was really focusing on dd in the present and thinking of all the wonderful things we could do in the years ahead as a family (like traveling, which would not be possible if we had a larger family). I genuinely think now that an only child is one of the best kept secrets--everyone thinks it must be awful but it's really wonderful . . . and it is! You may want to look up books on Only Children on Amazon. I read "Maybe One" by Bill McKibben (sp?) and that was a good way to confirm my feelings, but there are lots of other books out there. I've found it's nice to have books to encourage my alternative viewpoints because so few people in real life are as eloquent or as convenient in their advice.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

I'm right there with you, too. I always wanted a big family, and once we realized adoption was the only way to go, I decided that two would be just fine. Well, we have one. We can certainly adopt another if we want, but I'm not so sure we should.

The more I think about it, the more I feel okay with it. And then I think about all kinds of nutty reasons to adopt another: We have all these cloth diapers/clothes/toys that he's outgrown! The infant car seat is in nearly new condition! I know how to get a baby to sleep now (even though all kids are different and my talents would likely be wasted on the second kid)!

And then I go to: We're finally getting enough sleep again! DS is old enough to communicate and LISTEN! We can go out and know he'll not only behave, but enjoy it! (What if the second one doesn't like to be out and about?...) I can do laundry! The dog is REALLY scared of babies!.....

It's all perspective, I guess. It's hard either way, and both ways are right and also wrong. And the only real "right" answer is the one you end up going with, for whatever reason.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

I am mourning the thought of only one also. DH and I just talked about this last weekend.

We waited 10 years to have a child and then were confronted with not being able to carry a baby to term (4 mcs) as well as some fertility problems. This combined with age (I am quickly approaching the age where I don't feel optimistic about age-related issues) has led us to not try for a second child.

My feelings swing widely between feeling ok about it to being very depressed. Part of the depression comes from that fact we waited so long to TTC.

Yet on the other hand, the reasons we waited are still very valid. The reasons were right at the time and still are.

I do have a picture in my head of this bigger family. Years down the road the house would be full of children, spouses, grandchildren. But there are no guarantees that siblings will be close or that the spouses would be either.

I will likely also be conflicted but that is ok. People deal with much larger issues.


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## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sierra* 
When I was a parent of "only" one, I was the best parent I will probably ever be. I was able to follow my kid's lead truly and fully, to be completely attentive, to match my life to my kid's personality. I was way more patient. Sometimes now I feel like such a rotten mom. I've done many things I've said I'd never, ever, ever do. I've stuck them in front of a video so I could get something done. I've yelled and been mean. I've forced one into the other's schedule just to maintain my own sanity. I've made each one of them wait far too long while I've attended to the other. I feel like I am only occassionally at my "best" anymore. One kid is always getting the short-end of the stick. They fight over my attention. Sometimes I wonder if I push them away at times, subconciously, because when they fight over me I feel smothered. I don't even take as many pictures of the kids. I know I am painting an ugly picture, and it sounds joyless (which it totally isn't...I ADORE my kids), but it's how it *feels* sometimes. Parenting two kids has made my parenting self-esteem take a dip.

Sometimes I do look at parents of only children, especially when they are kids without special needs (my kids both have special needs), and yeah, I DO think (I am ashamed to say), "they have no idea, they can't possibly know how hard it is at times." But then I turn around and look at all the cool things they get to do with their kids, and how much love and attention their kids get all the time, and I think, "what amazing parents." The best blogs I read are parents of only-children. They post all these great pictures of their amazing homeschooling adventures or their fabulous family extra-curriculars and I look at the photos and read their stories and am in AWE. There is no way I can acheive that level with my two. So they get half of that. Not as bad as I probably make it sound, but I really wish they could get more.

You really do have a good thing going! Hope that helps.

Thanks for this. It's a nice perspective. I think it is important to think of all of the benefits of an only instead of focusing on the fact that she won't have a sibling. She gets all of our time, energy, resources and love. The love part is probably the easiest one to spread around to more kids, but the first three in the list are more limited.


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## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *robinCBN* 
Right now I am waiting to miscarry for the second time after having dd three years ago. The decision to have a second child was sort of hard, but once we made it, now the realization that we will probably not have that second child is really tough (on top of loosing 2). I am almost 41 and would be 42 probably before I would have another and that is getting beyond my comfort zone for the risk of birth defects. I had thought I would not try again if I lost this one, but now I don't know what to do or think.

Its hard to rework what you thought would be. I too want to be able to plan the next few years. Its a hard thing for all of us.

I am sorry, Robin. I can't imagine how hard that must be. This is one reason why I want to move past these negative feelings quickly, because I really do know how lucky I am to have this one beautiful baby girl. I'm lucky I was able to have her, let alone another.


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## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chipper26* 
I have these weird thoughts that I'm taking the easy way out and that people with more than one kid will look down on me b/c I don't have it as hard as them or I couldn't handle more than one (stupid, I know, and irrational.)

I just pictured my dd with a sibling and myself with a bit larger family. Can anyone relate to some of my thoughts/feelings? I used to wonder why people would stop at one child by choice and feel sorry for people with only one (also silly.)

Yes. Yes yes yes. earlier this year we found out that my first pregnancy had caused my heart to tear and any other pregnancies would likely kill me. I am about to undergo my second sterilization procedure next week. It is EXTREMELY hard to come to terms with the fact that we are done. I absolutely know what you are describing. I belong to a church that places a heavy emphasis on families, and it's hard and sometimes scary to go to church with only one - and I worry about comments I might get in the future.

It does get easier with time, but I believe there will always be a little ache in my heart where DC#2 would have been.


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## Phoenix~Mama (Dec 24, 2007)

I totally understand the feelings!









I teeter around a lot with the reality that another child for me is likely not going to happen...









DH always felt like he would have just two kids so he feels mostly done. He knew that I wanted to have two children, and is hoping that DSD helps fill that want... but as much as I love DSD... it's not the same. I did not carry her in me, I did not birth her, and I missed all the sweet baby moments with her... I came into her life at later toddler-hood... it's just not the same.

Many parts of me want to experience pregnancy and child birth and all the baby moments that have passed again. DD is the most amazing thing in my life, and I cherish every moment with her.

But with having fibromyalgia and having to work full time to afford to live... I'm just thinking another child would not be good for us financially, and in part to my well being as to physically being able to keep up with another child.

It hurts sometimes thinking I won't ever experience baby-hood again.. but I am slowly trying to face that reality, as I think overall it might be best for our family...


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

to everyone. Every so often, it pops in my head that ds will be my only child. I do still get a little sad about it. Not so much for me, but for ds. He would love to have a sibling.

I'm almost 43 and I don't know if I'll ever truly get over that sadness. Well, perhaps once my son is an adult.


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

I'm usually happy with the thought that dd will be our only child- occasionally I waffle a bit. I also had several mcs, a difficult prg, etc. I do think it helped a lot that I approached dd's pg, birth, babyhood, etc. as if they were "it" for me-- those moments are still gone, but I know that I cherished them to the fullest. I like to focus on continuing to cherish each "today" with her- and I do believe that I'm able to do that more fully because she's my only child. I've definitely found it be a wonderful surprise- how full and great our life is as a family of three. We are a very tight little family, and I really think that it can be easier to maintain that closeness, and to balance everyone's needs, etc. with a smaller family. I really enjoyed "The Joy of the Only Child" for helping me realize that we aren't depriving our dd by not having more children-- it's actually made me a quite the convert and helped me to let go of any doubts and guilt and just embrace how happy, simple, deep, and gratifying our life is now







I hope that you can find your way to a similar place.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

OP -







I don't know how old you are but perhaps you will have another one down the road. My kids are all spaced out pretty good between them as far as ages and we didn't plan it that way nor did we think we'd ever have more than one. Now I couldn't be happier with three. Never thought I could do it either but I kind of like being different than my siblings and DH's siblings who all only have 1 or 2 kids each.







Most of them complain about the kids they do have as if they are so tough. I think it's easier the more you have. The house is fuller and there are more people to do things with each other. It's great.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jjawm* 
I think I AM a better mom to one than I would be to two or three.

I thought this until I had my second and third.







You just never know until you are put in that position really.


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## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
OP -







I don't know how old you are but perhaps you will have another one down the road. My kids are all spaced out pretty good between them as far as ages and we didn't plan it that way nor did we think we'd ever have more than one. Now I couldn't be happier with three. Never thought I could do it either but I kind of like being different than my siblings and DH's siblings who all only have 1 or 2 kids each.







Most of them complain about the kids they do have as if they are so tough. I think it's easier the more you have. The house is fuller and there are more people to do things with each other. It's great.
I thought this until I had my second and third.







You just never know until you are put in that position really.

I'll be 40 in Oct. and went through fertility treatments to have dd at 38. My dh has some health problems and cannot picture putting his body through 1-2 more years of sleep deprivation. My dd is a horrible sleeper and everyone says the second will probably be easier, but there are no guarantees. On top of all of that I spent 4 1/2 months on bed rest with dd and may very well have to at least strongly limit my activity with another pregnancy. It's hard enough dealing with bed rest without a toddler! So, those are most of our reasons... and not much time to wait to change our minds.


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## battymama (Jan 15, 2008)

I am in the same boat. I am not sure how i feel about it, one moment happy the next desperatly sad. Dh and i are seriously discussing permanant birth control- he is quite happy to get the snip if thats what we decide.

Everytime i breastfeed my dd who is growing so fast! She is 14 months already, i feel a pang of sadness because i probably wont have another breastfeeding relationship. We may foster, and i feel that if there is another child out there for us then they will find their way to us, be it through fostering, adoption or other means.

On a positive note it really has helped me to make the most of my dd's babyhood, i am not thinking i can do this agin, or next time i will do this- this is it!

Also wanted to add that i am an only, its not all bad







I have the best relastionship with my mum, my dd is the only daughter of an only daughter so far and it feels kinda special.


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## Teenytoona (Jun 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krisis* 
Yes. Yes yes yes. earlier this year we found out that my first pregnancy had caused my heart to tear and any other pregnancies would likely kill me. I am about to undergo my second sterilization procedure next week. It is EXTREMELY hard to come to terms with the fact that we are done. I absolutely know what you are describing. I belong to a church that places a heavy emphasis on families, and it's hard and sometimes scary to go to church with only one - and I worry about comments I might get in the future.

It does get easier with time, but I believe there will always be a little ache in my heart where DC#2 would have been.

Oh Krisis, I had no idea!







Sending good thoughts your way.


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