# my baby had a twin that vanished...feeling conflicted



## preemiemamarach (Sep 7, 2007)

I hope it's ok with everyone that I post in this forum. This is a bit long, but I'm trying to sort out my feelings, and I haven't really told anyone the full story of what happened.

I got pregnant right around Thanksgiving last year. We were not actively TTC, but after the initial shock, very happy! I'd just had major hip surgery in mid-October, so the pregnancy would be uncomfortable. Also, I had a lot of scar tissue from endometriosis and a history of cervical cancer, so I was advised to see a high-risk OB (something I totally agreed with). I'd been told by surgeons that it was unlikely I'd ever conceive naturally because of the endometriosis scarring.

Around New Year's, DH and I had dinner with my best friend and his DP. We told them about the pregnancy, and they were thrilled. Out of the blue, my friend's partner predicted I'd be having twins- I slapped his hand and laughed. We both knew twins would have a very tough chance of surviving to term in my body, which was going to be pushed to the limit with one baby.

Later that evening (still with our friends), I started bleeding. It was sudden and heavy, so we went to the ER. After NINE HOURS and FIVE ultrasounds, they finally called the head of ultrasonography into the hospital from her day off to look at me. (Nobody would tell me what was going on, and DH wanted to bite someone's head off.) I stopped bleeding after only an hour, but they kept me all this time for some reason.

Finally, the head honcho of ultrasound turned the screen around. She said that it *looked* like I had a bicornurate uterus- split into two horns- and was pregnant in each half of the uterus, with two babies both implanted on the septum. Later, researching this online, I found out that this is exceedingly rare, which explains the interest in me. This doc, however, felt that I just had a massive amount of scar tissue that made my uterus misshapen- but not split in two. I did, however, have a twin pregnancy, although one was at least a week behind the other, and they couldn't see a heartbeat.

I was told that either the smaller twin had died, or I'd gotten pregnant twice after ovulating twice. I actually thought I'd ovulated twice that cycle, as my cycle was screwed up after the stress from surgery.

We went home and worried ourselves sick for about six weeks. I had no more bleeding. I'd been told in an earlier ultrasound that my corpus luteum cyst was huge, and looked like what you normally see in a multiple pregnancy, but I didn't have much morning sickness. We felt very conflicted about the idea of having twins- as I said before, my body was going to have a tough time anyway. Nobody could tell us if the second baby was developing or not, and we were waiting for my 14 week ultrasound to see what had happened.

Two days before that ultrasound, I started bleeding heavily again. I fainted, and we went to the ER (different hospital). At that point, they could see one healthy baby, and a shadow behind it at an angle they couldn't reach with either external or internal ultrasound. The bleeding wouldn't stop. After six hours, I was sent home on bedrest and told to follow up with my OB. He felt that I either had a placental abruption, or was finally miscarrying the twin.

Three days later, I started passing clots- two were quite large. It was pretty shocking, but I never had any pain. After a couple of days, the clots stopped, but I continued to have brown bleeding (constantly) for a few more days. My OB checked me and said he was now sure this was a twin being miscarried, based on cervical changes and the bleeding/tissue I passed.

The rest of my pregnancy was difficult, but I stayed pregnant. My OB finally called my pregnancy viable- for the first time- when I was around 20 weeks. I started having contractions at 25 or 26 weeks and went on modified bed rest. At 28 weeks, my baby had already descended to +1 station and his head was easily palpable about a finger's depth inside me. At 33 weeks, my water broke, and my son was born 12 hours later. He spent 15 days in the NICU and has some problems with reflux and his immune system, but he's otherwise a healthy little chunk.







:

My son was 5 pounds at birth, which was pretty large for 33 weeks. My cervix never dilated on it's own- it was covered in scar tissue from cancer surgeries. Had the scar tissue not been in my cervix, my preterm labor at 25 weeks would have caused my son to be born. All of my doctors believe my badly scarred uterus was very irritable once my son got to a certain size, which set off contractions, which I had for 8+ weeks, almost nonstop.

When we found out I was pregnant with twins- even though from the start, one didn't look so great- I was terrified. I knew twins would only make it in my body for 25 or so weeks, and after seeing when I started preterm labor with my then-singleton, I think it may have been earlier. I doubt either baby would have survived. So when we finally confirmed that the second baby didn't make it, I felt relieved. Which felt horrible, if that makes any sense.

But now, as my son grows, I keep thinking about his twin. Was it a brother or a sister? Could I have done anything to prevent the m/c? (I had some extensive radiologic testing done just before finding out I was pregnant.) What would life be like now if I'd had 2 babies?

The truth of the matter is that I may not have *any* babies if the twin had kept developing. Or I could have had one survivor born WAY too soon, or both- plus months in the NICU, lots of long-term problems, etc.

Even so- the more time I'm with my son, the more I wonder about the other baby I almost had. For the first time, I'm starting to miss that baby. We don't plan on having more kids, as the risk of prematurity is too great. We honestly just wanted one child, anyway. But....I feel like I was *supposed* to have 2 at once.

I also never really acknowledged that I miscarried a baby, since my pregnancy did end in a live birth. But maybe I need to honor that child.

I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced something similar. Were your emotions similarly conflicted? Sometimes I just don't know how to feel. My son is really, really healthy for a preemie, and I'm so grateful for that. I just can't quite shake the feeling that his twin is supposed to be here.


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## Lisa Lubner (Feb 27, 2004)

I couldn't read and not


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## kalisis (Jan 10, 2005)

s mama. I think there are always questions and that it's normal to have them.


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

I think you posted in the right place. I hope others with similar experiences find this thread as you hoped.

My guess is that honoring the twin would be healing, and connecting, and who knows what else. I'd trust your mama intuition and do what feels right. Maybe it's like an angel that helped your son get to you. That just popped into my head and I thought I'd share it in case it helped.

Congratulations on the birth of your healthy son, with the fabulous birth date!


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

The emotion sounds a lot like when one of us miscarries, then becomes pregnant again before the miscarried baby's due date. You have one because you lost the other. It's a hard feeling.

There's nothing I can do to fix the hurt for you, but I thought it might help to see the connection between your loss and the above scenario - just so you can see better that you're not alone in your feelings.

It's perfectly fine to be grateful and mourning all at once. Both reactions are healthy.

It does sound like you'd benefit from honoring your lost baby. Simply giving him/her a name might help. It's also fine to just choose whether your son's twin was a son or daughter. Just being able to say "he/she" instead of "it" might be comforting.

Hugs to you Mama.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

No similar experience but wanted to add my hugs.







If it's any consolation at all your feelings sound entirely normal.


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## OnTheFence (Feb 15, 2003)

I have a bicornuate uterus and have lost a twin before (it was my first viable pregnancy with my husband). At the time, I had no idea I had a uterine deformity but had had fertility issues, so I was just glad to have one living fetus. While I don't mourn my daughters twin, I do think about what it would have been like. My daughter is very unique and creative and I think it would have been nice for her to have a twin.

Kim, Mother of 5 -- All born by cesarean birth


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## Zyla (Nov 27, 2005)

Congratulations on the birth of your son. I'm sorry for your loss.

My eight year old daughter had a twin who died near the start of the second trimester. I was devastated not just to lose one of the babies, but also because I had always wanted twins ... I still think about her twin now and then, wondering what life would be like had she or he been brought to term. My daughter is a very intense, artistic, old soul, and I think having her twin would have been balancing for her.

Your situation sounds more complex, physically, than mine was ... feeling conflicted seems pretty normal, under the circumstances. Be easy with yourself.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Rachel, my thoughts are with you. I am so sorry for your loss.
Congratulations on the birth of your son!
My now 2-yr-old daughter had a fraternal twin who died at about 9 weeks gestational age. I never had any bleeding. Like you, we found out all at the same ultrasound that I was pregnant with twins and that one had no heartbeat; the ultrasound was done at nine weeks and a couple days, so twin "A" and twin "B" were still the same size. For about 30 seconds we were so excited . . . and then when the tech said she couldn't see a heartbeat in twin "A," we were so sad, yet still happy for the life that WAS continuing to grow inside me.
I never miscarried the twin; he/she just sort of "shriveled" and got mostly re-absorbed by my body. You can see the twin on a couple successive ultrasound pictures, but then by about 16 weeks, he/she had pretty much vanished - hence the name of the syndrome. I have a photo in my daughter's birth album of my doc's hands holding up the placenta and membranes and pointing to the roughened/patchy area that he believed was the remains of Sally's twin.
We did grieve the lost baby by naming him/her "Sam" and just my husband and I had a private ceremony of remembrance on a beach.
We talked about the twin with our older two kids who were 8 and 5-1/2 at the time.
Lately, I've thought about her twin more again.
We lost our son at full term in June; he would have been much closer in age to our littlest than her older brother and sister. My older two are incredibly close/good friends and I really wanted/want that for Sally, too.
Sometimes I imagine the happy bedlam our house would be if her twin AND her little brother were both here.
(God willing - we are wishing, hoping and praying -
we will bring home a baby next May.)
Wishful thinking is so normal, and so are conflicted feelings.
There is no one "right" way to grieve . . . or maybe it's that every person's individual way is the right way for them.
Please feel free to PM me if you want.

Emilie


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## queen_anne78 (Apr 2, 2007)

My experience is not quite as...tangible as yours but... we found that after our placenta was expelled it had an extra lobe and a separated vein, both which pointed to the high possibility of a twin pregnancy.

I had prayed for twins before getting married, and when I suspected that we had concieved a month after our wedding, I asked St Therese to send me a colored rose if we were pregnant, and a white one if we were not. She sent me 2 colored roses. I was surprised when we went for our 20 week ultrasound that there was only one babe. But then, 9 months later, after our placenta came out and our midwife discussed it with us, I feel that we do have a little saint in heaven already. I am sad that we did not keep the placenta sometimes, because it's the only real proof I have of Gianna's sibling. But it helps me a lot to think that IF we did have another babe in there, she/he is safe in heaven and interceding for us, and it gives me another reason to be the best person I can so that I can meet that child in heaven.

Hugs to you as you heal


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