# My son is so unhappy all the time how can I help him



## ScotiaSky (Jul 2, 2004)

This may all run together so because it seems like we have so many issues...BTW He is 13 months.

A while back at my son's first birthday party he picked up screaming from some of the other kids(older).
At first it started off small and not too much but now it has progressed to all out pop your ear drums all day from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep kind of thing.
My DF can not even stand to be in the same room with him when he is screaming like this(last night it was about 5 hours of this)..and they spend little enough time together as is.

And I am going insane. He screams when he is angry, fustrated, tired, hungry, and yes even happy and excited (which is soo rare)its a different scream and not so bothersome. And when he isn't screaming he is whining all day long. I am a SAHM so he is not lacking in attention...I spend all day playing and caring for him but I can't even leave the room for 5 minutes he has to walk behind me screaming and crying. I am starting to getting told he is spoiled







but am not sure what they mean by this as he just screams and cries not for want of anything..he is just screaming. Is there anyway I can gently teach him that this constant screaming is not someting he should be doing.
It sometimes goes hand in hand with him getting angry, turns red, starts shaking and screams as loud as he can(big meltdown) as a protest against something say another child takes a toy away from him. And then he whacks the other child on the head.








This meltdown happens often sometimes I can attribute it to him being tired but it happens just as much when he has woke from a long nap.
He just never seems happy to me...I feel like I am rasing such an unhappy child...people tell me to get out more often, take walks I do and try but it almost always ends in him throwing a fit. Its not pleasent to take a walk with him its feels like hell and I end up coming home in tears.
I have a theory that he is not having enough sleep at night(we co-sleep and he does not have a regular bedtime well its what was working for us but must not be for him) with the constant waking to nurse and other factors such as the fact that my DF makes sooo mucg noise when he sleeps and this distrubs him..on nights when my DF is away he sleeps so much better. So I have sadly realized that we will night wean and make a slow transtation to his own room. We just got up at 830 and here he is alseep on my lap already, an hour later is this normal? yesterday he took three naps totaling 6 hours!!!!

Does it sound like he is not getting enough sleep and once we fix this issue he will return to the happy babe I know he can be? Or is it something else?
I had a period of 2 1/2 months of this and it went away for a while and it was like I had a whole new child but it came back again.

Help


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

At that age, my ds didn't let me leave the room without him at all. If I wanted to throw of laundry in, I had to carry him on one hip and the laundry basket on the other. My ds always wanted to be held constantly, so this wasn't anything new. I'm wondering if your expectations of your ds being independent have increased since he turned one. Sometimes we mothers subconsciously think "he's one (or two, or three) now, things should be different."

Since my ds didn't sleep well, I went to bed with him when he was tired and stayed in bed til he woke up. I read a lot







. He was a completely wretched if he didn't get enough sleep. He also was cranky for a good hour after waking up. I would just carry him from room to room for an hour, until he "finished" waking up. Maybe a white noise machine (or a box fan) might help with the problem of df disturbing ds's sleep. Figuring out how to get ds well rested will probably be a help. Remember, the faster you respond to a young child's cries (or screams) the less they will do it. Ignore anybody who tell's you that you are spoiling him because you pick him up even though he can walk and doesn't "need" it. He's still a baby. Good luck.


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## GeezerMom (Apr 7, 2005)

I agree w/the pp that some of this is just normal separation anxiety & not a sign of being "spoiled".

My twins are 15 mos & my son has been really, really clingy during the past few months. My daughter, OTOH, plays independently pretty well. So some of it is also just your child's temperament, which you can't control.

I think you're onto something re: the sleeping. Mine are both much worse (whiny, clingy, crying) when they haven't slept well. Are you using a regular nighttime routine? You might want to start being more consistent w/bedtime, too. I'm like you, I wasn't into being terribly consistent b/c their needs changed so often during the first year. But as they get older it seems they do need more structure.

We usually start putting ours to bed at about 8:00, with a bath followed by crib time & a lullabye CD (when I'm "with it" I start by having the toys go "nigh-night" first, i.e. the kids watch me put everything away & I narrate, and then we do baths). I usually rock my daughter, and my son usually falls asleep on his own. Simplest "routine" on earth.

But of course, some nights that goes out the window - last night my daughter was up until 10:00!!! Grrrrr! And lately my son hasn't slept well at all, but I can feel molars coming in so I imagine that's part of it.

Re: the rest of the fussiness - how are you doing? Are you stressed and tired? I think kids pick up on our moods. Take care of yourself first.

You might also like Harvey Karp's _Happiest Toddler on the Block_. It's really helping us communicate with our kids.

Good luck! Remember, this too shall pass!


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## lioralourie (Aug 22, 2004)

I agree with the sleep theory.

But that said, how's ds's food intake? Maybe some kind of allergy or like a sugar sensitivity or something? Just talkin off the top of my head, don't have any experience per se.


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## Serenity (Nov 19, 2001)

I was curious if your ds is walking yet? My ds was not a happy camper until he could walk. I would definitely try some of the suggestions regarding sleep as that can make a big difference in behavior. Also, my son used to and still does have meltdowns when he has a blood sugar low, I think he has hypoglycemia like I do. Anyway, see if things change with a snack. Within 20 minutes my ds will be like a whole new kid with a snack. Like every 2 hours he has something to eat. Your ds might also be frustrated with not being able to communicate yet. You could try working on baby sign language, sometimes that helps. Good luck!


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## Sylith (Apr 15, 2002)

Please, do consider the possibility of a food allergy. My son was *such* an unhappy baby until we pinned down some allergy issues (for us, dairy was the major culprit.) Eliminating the problem foods from his diet and mine -- allergens pass through breastmilk -- freakin' transformed our lives.

Allergies don't have to be the anaphylactic kind, they can have all sorts of subtle and seemingly unrelated symptoms. For my baby, it meant "colic" starting at 6 weeks old and just never going away... he was just never happy. He wanted me to hold him and carry him around all the time, but even if I did he cried and whined. He woke every half hour all night long to nurse, and often would cry and cry and CRY afterward before falling fitfully to sleep again. He also had fluid in his ears, mysterious rashes, and as he got older dark circles under his eyes.

There is a book called Is This Your Child? by Doris Rapp. Good place to start.


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## GeezerMom (Apr 7, 2005)

That's a really good point. I tried to shift mine to whole milk at about a year & they fussed like mad! I've been reintroducing it in smaller amounts off & on, with mixed results. I may end up giving up on milk again for a while. But yogurt and cottage cheese aren't a problem.


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## Mere (Oct 1, 2002)

My first thought when I read your post was 'food allergies' too. I've read on these boards about naturopathic doctors doing some extensive testing on blood (I think?) for food allergies...it might be worth looking into.

I second the idea of a food journal. FOr that matter, maybe even a journal of your son's whole day, detailing emotions, food, etc. Then you could take that to a good doctor who could help you figure out if there's something wrong. I know our homeopathic doctor is GREAT, and he will spend as much time as needed to get to the root of the problem.

Good luck!


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## scoutycat (Oct 12, 2003)

Lots of good advice here - just wanted to add that teething can cause similar issues. We found that dd started getting minor ear 1nfections & congested due to teething even when there didn't seem to be teeth coming in. It affected her sleep, too. Sure enough, tho, a couple weeks of it and other signs would pop up (drooling, red cheeks, etc.) So when ever she started to get oddly crabby in a 'I don't know what's gotten into her!' kind of way we'd give her some decongestant and 9/10 times she'd be back to her old self. -jen


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## kweir (Sep 13, 2004)

My dd sort of went through a phase like this too. It seemed as though any thing I did or didn't do was wrong. She was crying at the littlest thing and very cranky. If I picked her up she cried, if I put her down she cried. It was like she didn't even know what she wanted. So, I was talking to a friend who said her child did the same and then all of a sudden one day she turned a corner and was back. She also had some new molars...
I also think sleep issues could be a problem. My dd was way out of whack when trying to go from two naps a day to one...again it seemed like everything I did was wrong until she finally rounded the corner and returned to her happy, sweet, funny self.


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## *Jessica* (Jun 10, 2004)

I dont' think you need to nightwean to allow him to get better sleep. We were having some issues with a very tired pregnant momma (me) not getting enough sleep with a nursing toddler in bed. He would nurse constantly all night and I couldn't sleep which was really adversly affecting my daytime parenting. About a month ago we started a bedtime routine (we had a very loose one before but it didn't seem to be enough) of a few books, daddy gives a bath and puts dipe and jammies on, momma nurses him to sleep. Then I lay him in his crib (which has rarely been used before now) in his own room. When he wakes to nurse daddy gets him and he spends the rest of the night in our bed. We use a white noise machine to keep other sounds from bothering him, too. Some nights he doesn't make it to midnight, but most nights he has been making it longer than that. Last night he actually slept from 8pm-4am in his own room. This way I don't need to wean him, but he isn't next to me latched on all night for hours (literally) on end. He gets to nurse when he needs to and we don't have to nightwean or quit co-sleeping totally.

Also, when my son was a little over a year he discovered his voice and screamed often (although not as often as it sounds like your babe is doing) just because he could. It was a phase and has stopped. Although it sounds like it might be something else, it could just be that...a phase....and will stop sometime soon.


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

I too wonder about a food allergy?


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## ScotiaSky (Jul 2, 2004)

Sorry for the delay.
Its been a busy week, see my siggy lol

These are all very good suggestions. I want to address all of them hope I don't forget any.
We are going to try the nightweaning first then slowly moving him to his own room once we move and we have a room for him that is.
I know that nightweaning may not cut down on his nightwaking but the constant snacking is starting to drain me. And its worth a shot.
We always have used a sound machine to sleep ourselves and of course he has as well because he is in the room with us...I even use it for naps as he is a light sleeper(we live in a city beside train tracks and a major highway)
I had had a loose routinue of nursing him to sleep on his own mattress on our bedroom floor and then either going to him during the night or bring him into our bed but he caught on to me and realized that when we went to the bedroom to nurse it was sleep time and started to cry and walk away. Yes to the PP he is walking..actally running everywhere at this point.
So in order to trick him into sleeping I would nurse him to sleep in the living room and well just ended up staying there at night rather then waking him by carring him to our room and realized that he slept better there.
My guess is that my loud sleeping DF does reallyl add to the problem. Although now our budgie wakes me at 6am lol. Really looking forward to moving so if I continue to co-sleep with him it will be in his own room and not our living room.

I was considering teeth as well as it could be time for his insiors or molors to pop through s have given him arnica and camililla this past few nights and I think but not sure that he sleep through the nights those times.

Also weather might be a factor as we have had really crappy weather the past few days but since I posted the first post its has improved and so has his mood, course I am trying all these things at once so who knows.

I also am not sure if he is getting enough stimulation from other children or even adults my DF works long hours and although I head to the local park( where its usually just him, its really its odd) and try to get out as much as I can I don't thinks its enough he really is a little social butterfly and maybe I am not meeting his needs in this department.

The screaming has seemed to calm down but he is still quick to get very angry. I am not sure how to deal with this any ideas?

So to sum up after we work on the sleep issue from there if the grumpiness continues I will look at the other suggestions, the food reaction is an idea but it seems unlikely. But I will keep it in mind.

Thanks everyone,


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## AmyY (Jul 22, 2004)

Oh and - you're PREGNANT!!!!! Congrats by the way! So - nursing during pregnancy, with the exhaustion it brings, plus the hormonal mood stuff. Then a 13 month old - when my girls were 13 months I thought I was going to poke my eyes out and I wasn't even pregnant!!!!!! Several mamas here suggested I hang in there and it would start to get better about 18 months. I do now on the rarest of occasions get to pee without them screaming their heads off, biting each other, going into total panic, etc etc etc. Showers I only get because of Barney.







:

So as far as needing to be around you ALL THE TIME, yeah I hear ya. Life with a young toddler, eh?







And here's the kicker - this morning they were both playing in the living room while I cooked their breakfast (19 months old now) and they left me alone for like two minutes and - I MISSED THEM! And felt relieved when they came up and started screaming their heads off to be picked up! Oh ya can't win, ya can't win!!!









Regarding sleep, I found this age very trying as well. I found that nap transitions combined with molars coming in made it really hard. We did lots of driving naps then since it worked. So I suggest you find something that works (which you are doing of course with your new routine and nightweaning strategy) and don't be afraid to be consistent with it. They don't have much of a sense of time but they can develop a sense of routine. Just to give you some hope, I am now typing on the computer while they nap! I finally can unlatch them and go do something else!

So I just wanted to say that I found your post very "nostalgic" and we're still in some of that. As far as going from zero to furious in nothing flat, again welcome to the wonderful world of toddlerhood. Oops gotta go!


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## mommyabroad (Dec 2, 2004)

Just wanted to add a thought about chamomilla -- DS went through a difficult phase and chamomilla 30 was a lifesaver. I passed it on to a friend with a teething toddler and she's found it to be brilliant for fussiness, irritability, teething, tantrums, etc. I got some from our homeopath on sugar crystals (no lactose) and just a couple of crystals on a spoon did the trick every time. Other strengths didn't work for us but the 30 was the key. Might at least help while you are exploring other things ...


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## Destinye (Aug 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyabroad*
Just wanted to add a thought about chamomilla -- DS went through a difficult phase and chamomilla 30 was a lifesaver. I passed it on to a friend with a teething toddler and she's found it to be brilliant for fussiness, irritability, teething, tantrums, etc. I got some from our homeopath on sugar crystals (no lactose) and just a couple of crystals on a spoon did the trick every time. Other strengths didn't work for us but the 30 was the key. Might at least help while you are exploring other things ...

I would second that and would be insane without homeopathy! I have used Chamomilla on DD for screaming/teething and has helped a lot. (Despite the nipple biting in my other thread but actually helped with that too I think!)

But I also use flower remedies, usually Bach and are really great too, when she was especially clingy gave her Chicory, and also Holly/Cherry Plum for tantrums//and anger.

Hope this helps. NAK but post more Q if you have any.


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## Livie'smomma (Apr 7, 2005)

I have been reading the responses you've been getting and they all seem to be good ones. My 1 year old started screeching around 10-11 months and I was going nuts. She hit decibels I didn't know existed and it was when she was happy, sad, angry, or just wanted something. I tried not to acknowledges the screeches with what she wanted, but rather told her to use her "sweet voice" or her "soft voice" or her "inside voice" When she would just scream for the hell of it (to see what kind of response she would get), I would just not even look at her. She rarely screams anymore...so I don't know if it was just a phase or asking her to use her sweet voice.

Also, with her frustrations or anger when she couldn't get things to work the way she wanted (like stacking mail or fitting a toy inside another or whatever), I found that redirection sometimes worked, or going outside, or needing sleep.

Good Luck, hang in there and
Hope this helps.


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## crat19 (Jul 25, 2002)

Congrats on your pregnancy!! I have a 24 mo ds and a 7wk old dd. ds started having a difficult time right after dd was born. He would cry and scream about things he didn't used to. The ear piercing screeching was unbearable and I and dh were having a very difficult time coping with this. We didn't know where our normally mild-mannered ds went. After mentioning it to my midwife, she suggested giving him Pulsatilla 30x to help him with the emotional spikes, which is normal and typical with toddlers. We were getting concerned with his obvious unhappiness. The pulsatilla has helped even out the emotional spikes, almost eliminated the screeches, and he is obviously more happy and engaged. We also take the pulsatilla when we're having the expected challenges with a toddler and a newborn in the house. I swear by it!!! Maybe it will help with your dc...


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## Destinye (Aug 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crat19*
The pulsatilla has helped even out the emotional spikes, almost eliminated the screeches, and he is obviously more happy and engaged. We also take the pulsatilla when we're having the expected challenges with a toddler and a newborn in the house. I swear by it!!! Maybe it will help with your dc...

Thats the other remedy I have used a lot on DD when she is very whiny and angry and moody, and me too! Yes it does work great!


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## fyoosh (May 9, 2005)

I just wanted to share that my son would get scream-y and angry every now and then and I could never understand what was going on. After a lot of "tests", I determined that he had a sensitivity to Red Dye 40 (FD&C Red 40, Red 40, etc). Upon cutting that out, he has been a TOTALLY DIFFERENT CHILD. When he has something with Red 40 in it, he starts scream-talking, being very aggressive, and hyper. It's wild. Did some research and it seems that Red 40 affects quite a few kiddos in this way. Worth a look into anyway









Best of luck to you!


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