# I find it really hard not to judge other parents



## mrsfrenchy (Apr 14, 2008)

I find it really hard not to be judgy or at the very least, be saddened by, other peoples parenting choices (and birth choices too)

I just got on facebook and saw that a friend from highschool (not one I'm close with at all) had her baby a few days ago. She had a c-section at 38 weeks because the baby was 'going to be big'....her DD was born at just shy of 7lbs. And then many of the pictures include her feeding the LO with the prepackaged Enfamil bottles.







I know that formula feeding is not the end of the world and doesn't mean you'll be a bad parent by any means. But I still saddens me.









SIL is pregnant right now. She's 19 and not at all ready for a family (her own words), financially or emotionally. She's already said that she doesn't want to BF because it makes your boobs look bad







(and yet she'll barely be able to afford formula). I have a feeling that she'll be more than ok with a intervention-loaded hospital birth and I have no idea what my reaction will be if she chooses certain parenting practices that I consider to be abusive (although mainstream parenting is much more welcoming of them--i.e. CIO)

I feel horrible because I don't even really talk to the girl from highschool and I'm judging her--and SIL isn't even out of the first tri and I'm judging her. But I don't really know how to stop those thoughts from popping up. And as one who is a bit crunchier-than-normal, I really don't want others judging me.

Has anyone found a way to curb this habit? Or at least is there anyone willing to say "I do this too" so I don't feel so bad?


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## lian (Jan 3, 2009)

I don't have any advice for you, but I totally do this too (as a matter of fact, am doing it right now as I listen to my neighbor's kid (4 houses down!) screaming at the top of his lungs crying out for mommy and daddy - this has been going on for the past 20 minutes. I'm guessing they're doing CIO but really have no way of knowing what's going on, but here I am judging them anyway).

DH always (nicely) gives me a hard time when I say something judgemental, so I've stopped saying things to him, but that doesn't stop me from thinking stuff.

I think we just have to try and remember that everyone is doing the best that they possibly can for their kids. Unfortunately, my "judginess" prevents me from offering genuine advice to my friends, since it wouldn't be coming from a place of truly wanting to help them, but rather would be me thinking that I'm better than them - I'm sure that they would pick up on my underlying thoughts/feelings.

So yeah, I would love to hear some advice from others on how to stop being like this!!


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## Purple Sage (Apr 23, 2007)

I see you have only one child who is still very young. I think you'll get to be less judgmental with time. Although I have breastfed all four of my babies 100% - no bottles, no formula, no pacifiers at all - I still have done things that I would not consider ideal parenting. It happens to ALL of us, and I wouldn't want another parent judging me...because I'm doing the best I can with what I have and what I know. And for the most part, every other parent is, too. So the way I stop the judging is to think that other parents are doing the best they can with their own situation. I'm not perfect, and neither are they.


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## jennydecki (Jun 8, 2009)

I'm judgy.

I used to try and reason it out, but man, that takes too much effort. I think that's why people like Mother Theresa and Ghandi were *so quiet*...it takes a lot of thought to wrap your mind around things that just don't make logical sense (like CIO, scheduled feeding, etc.)

So I accept I'm no Mother Theresa and think to myself how sad that people don't have common sense. Then I move on with my day because other than that thought I don't have the extra energy to parent anyone else's kids.


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## spmamma (Sep 2, 2007)

We're all going to be bothered by other people's parenting choices at one time or another. Personally, I think it's perfectly okay to have those thoughts - and I freely admit that I have them sometimes too. It's what we do with those thoughts that counts.

I try really hard to offer advice only when requested. Any advice I do give is given from a loving place and with the understanding that the recipient may or may not take it to heart. And I avoid parenting topics that I know will put a wedge in my friendship with another person. I may not agree with the person, but I still care enough about them to be considerate of their feelings and respectful of their beliefs.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Truth be known, they are judging you too. You see, everyone thinks that thier way of doing things is right so if anyone does something different than you (general you not directed at anyone) they are obviously doing something wrong.









Anyway, it's perfectly ok to have these thoughts in private but I choose to keep my opinions of other people's parenting choices to myself and I expect them to do the same.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

I found the more truly experienced parent I became, the more compassionate towards other parents I became.

Truly, having two kids so close together will really up your compassion quota, most likely.

You will discover in a really up close and personal way how different children are, which if you really want to work on yourself as well you can learn to apply towards adults as well.

I don't think anyone is *naturally* compassionate. Nor were Ghandi and Theresa perfect people. Sometimes they'd get pissed and angry and irritated like everyone else.

Perhaps the difference though is that they guarded their words towards others carefully. That IS a very difficult skill to master, even with your own children (who will most likely be able to provoke you to greater rage than ANYTHING another parent is witlessly doing, not counting abuse and murder).

Everyone finds it really hard not to judge. I think everyone winces internally when others make choices that they find repugnant. Disagreeing, or internally shaking your head isn't what makes someone an ass. It's when you open your mouth on the fly and shoot arrows at people (that you can't call back) that you engage your rear end first.

And you'll do that too, on occasion.

You're not perfectly perfect now, nor will you be. So don't worry about how to become even better than those other people, just try to be kind and choose to be compassionate, and you'll do okay. And you might even learn something and/or actually BECOME more compassionate along the way.







Or if not, at least you won't become One Of Those Cluelessly Hurtful People that people run to message boards and complain about.







At least not often!


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## mamadebug (Dec 28, 2006)

When you make well thought out choices - about anything, in this case parenting - it is hard not to look critically at what others are doing. My mom can look at a situation, assume the worst and then be really critical - and I picked that up. Recognizing that it isn't a positive thing to do, and remembering how much I dislike being judged, I have tried really hard to stop myself. It is very hard, though.

One of my guiding beliefs as a parent is that I assume a child is doing the best that they can with what they have in the moment. As I started looking at myself, and talking about parenting stuff with other mom friends, I realized that it is a good principle to apply to other parents as well! We can never know everything that went into a person's decision to parent the way they do, and so, therefor we shouldn't judge it. As I have tried to really truly believe that, it has become easier to not judge others parenting decisions (unless it is abuse or neglect, but that is different than a difference in parenting style). For example, I will not be able to breast feed anymore children that I have. I breast fed my son until he was two years and believe strongly in breast feeding. When my son was 2.5, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had mastectomy. So, when someone sees me bottle feeding a newborn, it would be easy to assume whatever - but there is a really valid reason for my bottle feeding - most people just don't know it. Also, people who have experienced sexual abuse in their past can have a really hard time with breast feeding. Or a good friend of mine who was severally physically abused as a child - she will spank her kids every once in a while with one slap on the bottom. I don't agree with it, but seeing where she came from and what her parenting example was, she is doing a lot better than one would expect (and in many, many ways, she is a great mom). I can think of a number of other parenting situations that at first glance I would have (or did!) judged, but after learning more, feel there is no way I could judge them. Sooo, I guess I have learned that people do make choices that aren't what I would choose, but I also recognize that I don't know everything that went into that parenting decision. And because I don't know that, I try to be gentle with them and assume that given their experience, their emotional state, their parenting example, their available resources (emotional, financial, etc), and whatever else, they are doing the best they can at the time.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
I found the more truly experienced parent I became, the more compassionate towards other parents I became.

Truly, having two kids so close together will really up your compassion quota, most likely.

You will discover in a really up close and personal way how different children are, which if you really want to work on yourself as well you can learn to apply towards adults as well.

I don't think anyone is *naturally* compassionate. Nor were Ghandi and Theresa perfect people. Sometimes they'd get pissed and angry and irritated like everyone else.

Perhaps the difference though is that they guarded their words towards others carefully. That IS a very difficult skill to master, even with your own children (who will most likely be able to provoke you to greater rage than ANYTHING another parent is witlessly doing, not counting abuse and murder).

Everyone finds it really hard not to judge. I think everyone winces internally when others make choices that they find repugnant. Disagreeing, or internally shaking your head isn't what makes someone an ass. It's when you open your mouth on the fly and shoot arrows at people (that you can't call back) that you engage your rear end first.

And you'll do that too, on occasion.

You're not perfectly perfect now, nor will you be. So don't worry about how to become even better than those other people, just try to be kind and choose to be compassionate, and you'll do okay. And you might even learn something and/or actually BECOME more compassionate along the way.







Or if not, at least you won't become One Of Those Cluelessly Hurtful People that people run to message boards and complain about.







At least not often!

Beautiful post, Tigerchild. ITA!


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## bebebradford (Apr 4, 2008)

Think of this- A lot of people don't agree with a lot of the ideas we talk about here on these boards. EVEN some doctors think some of the advice is wrong. Do you like it when THEY judge YOUR actions? I look at it this way- there are no clear instructions on parenting. Different things work for different people and children.. the ONE thing that makes a happy child is LOVE and SECURITY. Those are the most important.







:


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## Disco Infiltrator (Jul 28, 2008)

I have a really hard time with judging. I feel so many parenting decisions people make - ones that are considering acceptable by the mainstream - are hurtful to children. These children grow up and become dysfunctional adults who live the rest of their lives with the pain of their childhood. They were never given a choice, they were just kids - sweet, innocent children. Some of these adults become people with power in our society who then make decisions that end up hurting our community as a whole. And all of this starts when they are children.

So yes, I judge, but I rarely speak up because it's a useless discussion. Too many people parent with the intention to reinforce that the way THEY were parented was okay (I was spanked and I'm okay, I was given time outs an I'm okay, and so on....). I also know that ultimately the only thing I have power over is ME and my decisions as a parent. I work hard to maintain my values as a parent.


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

I truly try hard not to judge - to acknowledge that I don't know the whole story. But I find that often just by my actions being different than those around me (ie. bfing, not cio, etc.) they assume I am judging them.

But as others have said, they're judging me as well.

In the end it's not the internal judgement that matters but what you do with that judgement. Usually keeping it to yourself is the safest bet.


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## borbonmamma (Jul 11, 2009)

I try not to judge. I think that just becuase they have other parenting choices, doesn't mean that they are doing it wrong. Or that their parenting is horrible.
I make mistakes too, and sometimes I think that I'm not doing a good job with my AP parenting.
Just becuase it's right for me, doesn't mean it's going to be right for everyone else.

Mainstream is not hurtful for children imo. And I don't have the right to think that way.
Mind you, my brother and I were raised in a very mainstream way and we turn out just fine.


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## tinyblackdot (Aug 31, 2007)

I try not to judge peoples choices as a parent. Unless you are in their shoes you really have no idea what choices you would make, most people like to assume that they know, but they just dont. I for one hope that none of my friends judge me, i know i have made plenty of mistakes as a parent, and some where out of ignorance and some out of being lazy, or confused, or misled.

I try not to judge people, but to get frustrated with society instead, that most of those things are just the "norm" in today's world. I i feel so sad that they and their child have been jipped out of such wonderful experiences and bonding.

But im pretty sure that most mothers, do not purposefully ever make decisions that will effect their child in a negative light. We should all try to remember that, That we are all mothers, and that we all love our children, and that we ALL get lost at some pont along the way. And that when we do get lost, sometimes it takes a person full of love and understanding to help us get back on track. Those that stare and judge only hurt.

Well thats the rule i try to live by at least.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fuamami* 
Beautiful post, Tigerchild. ITA!

Darnit, *I* was going to







: Tigerchild.









Great post. I especially agree about having two upping the compassion quotient.


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

I've come to find that many people who make these decisions (ones that we here at MDC aren't fond of) are overwhelmingly under supported, intimidated or afraid, and often at the end of what they see as their options. They are sometimes pressured by community or family. They sometimes don't even know there is an option. That doesn't make me better than them.

On Passover, we tell the story of the 4 sons (not totally PC in the "story" form, but they are symbolic). The "wise child" who asks just the right question to get just the right answer. The "wicked child" who sees himself as so different from the community and doesn't relate that things apply to him too, one "simple child" who asks general questions but is not really committed (yet?), and the one who doesn't even know enough to ask so is silent. We are, at some point, all of these "children", sometimes by the nature of things and sometimes even by choice. And we need to understand that in parenting, others are as well. Its not usually "good or bad" (even the wise and the wicked child are more nuanced than that)... There are many ways people see things... if they even know what they are looking at. We are all in different places with different issues at different times.

And, in a practical way, the older your kids get, the more crow you will eat. It is just a fact. And with each bite, you will be able to imagine yourself on the "other side" just a bit and see that what seperates "us from them" is not so much.


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## smeisnotapirate (Aug 24, 2007)

I can't - and won't - stop judging people. It's my way of analyzing the world around me.

What I've learned, though, is to just STFU.

If I don't like something, I say nothing. I went to a meeting where everyone was giving advice about a guy Ferberizing his 5mo baby. He was having a tough time (Of course he was, it's abuse in my mind!





















), and I just sat there, quietly. When the conversation wound down, I said ...and if it doesn't work, just take comfort knowing that neither my 13mo DS or I sleep through the night yet - and I'm 24!" It helped get us on another topic, and made me feel ok that I wasn't just being "silently approving" of Ferberization.

I try to either say nothing or find kind, non-confrontational ways of showing my disagreement (like above), and I try to never take it personally if someone asks for advice and doesn't take it. I haven't taken all the advice I've been given, so I can't expect it of others.


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## straighthaircurly (Dec 17, 2005)

In our minds we all judge and we have all been judged. It is how we are able to process our own decisions in life and decide what we believe is good and bad or neutral. It doesn't make you a bad person unless you start walking around spouting off about your "superior" ideals of child rearing. Through the centuries and around the world there are thousands of different child rearing decisions that have been made and mostly they all work. So take pride in the quality choices you are making and raise your kids to the best of your ability. But don't offer unsolicited advice...and don't let differences tear you too far apart from others.


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Purple Sage* 
I see you have only one child who is still very young. I think you'll get to be less judgmental with time. Although I have breastfed all four of my babies 100% - no bottles, no formula, no pacifiers at all - I still have done things that I would not consider ideal parenting. It happens to ALL of us, and I wouldn't want another parent judging me...because I'm doing the best I can with what I have and what I know. And for the most part, every other parent is, too. So the way I stop the judging is to think that other parents are doing the best they can with their own situation. I'm not perfect, and neither are they.

Yes to ALL of this. When dd was a toddler, I really thought I was quite the expert. Now that I'm on kid #3 and dd is school age, I'm realizing that I don't have all the answers. The black and white is shrinking, and I'm seeing a whole lot more grey area.


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

You can be discerning and stand up for what you believe in without being "judgemental". Meaning- if I had no experiences with a great mom and I was under a lot of pressure and I didn't know what else was out there, I might consider Ferber too because I didn't know any better. It doesn't make it right. But it doesn't make me a bad person either.

You can have a personal credo and stand up for your ideals but also understand that others don't share the same resources and experiences and may be seeing things in a different way. It doesn't mean you have to agree.


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## TheBluebird (Dec 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Purple Sage* 
I see you have only one child who is still very young. I think you'll get to be less judgmental with time.

I agree. And I still only have 1 kiddo.







But I do struggle with how I feel towards people, I can't help it.

I have a co-worker that I know never wanted to BF her DD from day 1. She told me she would "try" for 3 months for her DH's sake. She just thought BF was gross. That's it. I gave her as much info as I could and I didn't bring it up again. But every time I see her and her baby or every time I see her FB status that she's gone out drinking or something AGAIN (her baby is probably 7 or 8 months? I was lucky if I did anything once a month at that age) I just... as a PP said, STFU. It's none of my business.

We just have to learn to let go of those feelings that we are right and others are wrong. Everyone is just doing the best they can. And they DO love their babies as much as we do.


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## SpiderMum (Sep 13, 2008)

I judge people all the time. Why wouldn't I? If I think your style of parenting is terrible or abusive of course I'm going to judge! The only why I could avoid it is by having absolutely no opinion on the matter.

Of course that doesn't mean I'm going to be loud and obnoxious about it. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar after all. However, if someone bad-mouths my way of doing things, you can be sure that I will defend myself.

I once got involved in a conversation with 2 women talking about how nursing past 12 months was weird, gross, and damaging to the child in a very rude way. I didn't stand for that. I said my piece and pointed out studies supporting my arguments....they then tried to act like I was being pushy and judgmental.







Forget the fact that they said I was abusing my child by nursing "too long"!









Honestly, I'm getting sick of being nice.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

I think it takes real bravery to let someone cut you open to give your child life. What on earth is there to negatively judge in that?

I'm just doing the best I can to raise my kids the best I can. I'm not really aiming for compassionate- because sometimes life stinks and you make a bad decision because that's the best you can do in a bad situation. I'm aiming for children who can see that the person is more than their actions, and who are more interested in being the best person that they can be than judging others. I need to model that for them, otherwise how will they learn it?


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## battymama (Jan 15, 2008)

I try not to, but sometimes it is very hard. especially with people who should know better.


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## dziwozony (Aug 27, 2006)

i've been having a really hard time with this as well. and i've realized it's because the choices i make about parenting & my diet are based on wanting to treat the living beings around me whose life i am responsible for with honour & respect. they are not choices i make out of convenience or societal pressure or tradition, but because i feel they cause the least amount of harm.

so when i am around parents who choose the other options & i am fully aware of the pain, suffering, emotional distress, or ill health they will cause, i have a really hard time just viewing it as just another path they've taken. i have a hard time feeling open & loving & that everyone is just different.

i've put a lot of thought into my choices, done a lot of research, & feel very passionately about the way i birth, parent, eat, & live.

i am not perfect...i have many faults...& i often fail in various ways while trying to follow the ideal path i see as the best way for me & my children to live. but i still struggle with giving others space to make those varying choices! i'm not saying it's right. i wish i was more laid back about it. i was kind of hoping it would come with age! but mostly i just try to keep it to myself & let small bits leak out when my opionion is asked for.


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## DivineMrsM (Dec 19, 2008)

i'm judgemental and i don't apologize for it. of COURSE i think my way is best, or i wouldn't be doing it! lol but unless i am asked for my opinion on someone's decision, i keep it to myself or discuss it with like-minded people.

i don't think it's wrong to be judgemental. it's just wrong to be pushy about you views versus someone else's. BUT if asked, i do get into it.


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## Sionainne (Jan 23, 2008)

Ever single mom I have ever gotten to know, whether I agree with them on aspect X or Y on parenting, has always demonstrated some parental quality that I wish had (or I wish I could do better). If you are thinking about your old friend, or SIL, just call them up. Talk. Take it from there.


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spmamma* 
We're all going to be bothered by other people's parenting choices at one time or another. Personally, I think it's perfectly okay to have those thoughts - and I freely admit that I have them sometimes too. It's what we do with those thoughts that counts.

.


Couldn't agree more!







:


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

i don't know why people get so nervous about judging or forming an opinion about others' actions. of course we do. if i didn't think my way was right, i wouldn't be doing it that way. so when someone else does it a different way, my first thought is "hm. i wouldn't do that." that's judging, to a certain extent. what i DON'T do is start smear campaigns, withdraw love or friendship, etc. those are actions i don't believe in. but judging? h*ll yeah. because it's my head and i'm allowed to *think* whatever i want.


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## GoestoShow (Jul 15, 2009)

.


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## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

There is nothing wrong with making judgments, as another poster said, it is what you do with them that is important. I also agree it is important to take a step back from the initial judgment too and give the benefit of the doubt sometimes that a parent might be having a bad day too. But yeah, I don't think judgments are a problem at all as long as you don't allow them to close you off to new ideas and you are passing along advise/information in a compassionate manner.

I am so grateful so many were willing to share their advise and information with me, I wouldn't have been spurned onto researching as much as I did and would be much less prepared for my first birth and child.


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## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

I judge people and I admit it. If people don't make informed choices about parenting, then I judge. If you've actually researched the benefits/drawbacks of things like bfing, CIO, cosleeping, etc then I try not to judge people, even if they don't make the choice I would have. But if they blindly follow one book or follow their doctor's advice just b/c he's a doctor then I judge b/c that person is being a sheep.


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

I think, the less that I judge other people, the less I feel that others are judging me- it's kind of like there's a cycle of perception of criticism. Once I can let go of worrying about what others are thinking about me, I stop being so defensive and don't need to justify my own choices to myself (by putting down others' choices)

That said, there are definitley some basic things that I feel strongly about (CIO, spanking, time-outs, ff) One thing that I have done is to give new moms the Baby Book by Dr. Sears, since it's a great resource and sneaks in some good AP info. Now that I'm reading Hold on to your Kids (the best parenting book EVER!!) I find myself recommending it to everyone- not with the intention of putting anyone down, but more of sharing something that I've found really helpful and insightful.


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## monkey-lamb (Jun 4, 2009)

I may judge another parent within my own mind, but I don't speak it out loud unless asked for my opinion. However, I find that other, more mainstream parents have no problem judging my parenting decisions out loud.

I feel that most of the things I do differently from my mainstream friends actually results in more work for me (ie making all my baby's food from scratch). So, I don't understand why I am criticized for doing more work than my friends are willing to do.


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## Green Eyes (Apr 10, 2009)

I've always believed that other people are seeing their life through _their_ eyes, they are reacting to all the emotions they are feeling, and they are struggling to live the best they can with their personal experiences and their resources. (Just like me.)

It doesn't seem fair to me to think that they should be seeing _their_ life through _my_ eyes. *shrug* I don't worry about others judging me 'cause I learned a long time ago I'll never please everyone else. I'm the one who has to be happy with the way I act and live.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i wonder why people assume that judging peoples means you tell them your doing it. i do not believe for one single second that anyone does not judge. i dont even know how that would be possible. i judge but i dont run off and tell people what i think about their choices and i also dont assume they are irrevocably damaging their kids yk?


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## Delicateflower (Feb 1, 2009)

When I don't know the whole story I make one up. So your friend from school told everyone she was having a c-section for size but she really has active herpes and doesn't want to tell anyone. The formula is because her baby is early and just can't latch. And she's not posting pictures of the bloody scabs that pass for her nipples on facebook.

Your SIL is ill-informed, but maybe she was abused as a child and hasn't told you, so she's come up with an excuse that will pass in polite company.

But if I know the whole story, then yes, sometimes I judge people. Sometimes people deserve judgement because they are doing bad things.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I am VERY judgemental.

Not so much about parenting choices like formula. Mostly about people's laziness. I watched a woman tearing open one of those car window shades so she could put it in her truck. As she was walking, she was leaving big peices of carboard packaging all over the ground. Some nice elderly, handicapped man and I were walking behind her picking up her trash.

On top of that, she was parked up on the sidewalk of the store, because she was too lazy to park in a parking spot and walk inside.

I am still judging her.


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## Green Eyes (Apr 10, 2009)

*judge* (v): to form an opinion
*judgmental* (adj): involving judgment, usually critical or harsh

Everyone judges but not everyone is judgmental.


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## Snuzzmom (Feb 6, 2008)

Oh, everyone is judgemental to some degree. At least you're aware of it and TRY to be compassionate... that is definitely something!

I feel the same way. What a PP said about listening to a neighbor child cry for his parents really hits home... we have a lot of parents near us who not only allow their children to scream and cry without comforting them, they scream at their toddlers constantly! It's almost impossible NOT to judge, because it's so heartbreaking to hear.

All you can do is continue to be self-aware, reflect on why something bothers you, and try to make the kindest response when given the chance. But don't beat yourself up over the judging... IMO it just means you're a human and you're paying attention.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tinyblackdot* 
...we ALL get lost at some pont along the way. And that when we do get lost, sometimes it takes a person full of love and understanding to help us get back on track. Those that stare and judge only hurt.

Very, very true. I've had some parenting moments that make me cringe when I think back on them...and some really snotty remarks that made things worse. A couple of really wonderful people did help me get through the rough patches, though.

I can be incredibly judgmental, but I mostly keep it to myself. If someone's not receptive to what I have to say, then spouting off isn't going to help. If they want my two bits, I'll give them, but...mostly they don't. By and large, the parents I disagree with are doing what they think is right for their kids...why else would they be doing it, yk?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Green Eyes* 
It doesn't seem fair to me to think that they should be seeing _their_ life through _my_ eyes.










I like this - a lot.


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## Cativari (Mar 26, 2007)

I haven't read the other posts, yet.

But here is my take on judgements... To me a judgement would be going out of ones way to make a person feel bad (or being rude to someone) about personal choices, be they parenting, lifestlye choices ect. A judgement is not having a differing opinion in regards to someone elses actions.

It seems that the OPer has more along the lines of strong opinion that could turn into judgment. If she isn't careful about what she says and how she acts.

In my experince no matter how open minded we are as indiviuals there will always be a tendency to form an opinion about everything around us. It's how we react to our own opinion is what matters. We can either accept it and be kind and supportive, not accept it but be tolarate or not accept it and pass judgement.


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

I try to differentiate between judging a person and judging an action. It's ok for me to look at someones action and say, "I think that is wrong." I'm not going to look at a person and say, "I think you are wrong." I think that making judgments is necessary if you want to live a reflective life. That does not give you the right to tell other people they aren't allowed to make different choices.

And then there is my favorite way to look at everything: Everyone is entitled to any wrong opinion they want to have.


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## jennydecki (Jun 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *smeisnotapirate* 
I can't - and won't - stop judging people. It's my way of analyzing the world around me.

What I've learned, though, is to just STFU.

So very, very well put!!!! LOL


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## KnittingTigers (Mar 16, 2007)

I agree with pps who have noted the problems with judgement when you don't have the entire story. I hate to think that people are judging me when they see me give my DD bottles in public. Without knowing our back story (breast surgery, low-supply, EP-ing, etc.), I probably look like a mom who "doesn't care" about breast feeding. In fact, strangers have made snarky comments to me before, asking if I'm aware that breast is best. After spending hours of my day on a pump, taking every herb and medication known to man to try and increase my supply, and driving around a four-state radius to pick up donor milk, this is honestly infuriating. Is my story "exceptional"? Maybe, but who knows? I definitely found that hitting my own roadblocks as a parent has made me much more compassionate toward those whose practices seem very different than mine.

Oh, and I hate the assumption that if you hear a crying baby, the neighbors are practicing CIO. Our DD screamed her lungs out this weekend as she cut three new teeth. I'm pretty sure everyone in the neighborhood heard her, and I can assure you that she spent all of that time screaming in my or my partner's arms.

Anyway, just a reminder that we really do rarely know the path that anyone else is walking.


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## leaveit2beeker (Jun 2, 2009)

I am admittedly and shamelessly judgy, about most everything. I think it's just the dialogue that constantly runs in my head to entertain myself, since being at home with a toddler doesn't make for much stimulating adult conversation!

There are times that my SO and I catch ourselves being snarky, so one of us says out loud, "Damn, we are so much better than everyone else!" and let it ride. I've never acted on my judgements, unless asked for advice. Rather than get caught up in the how's and why's of other parents' actions, I try to empathize. I mean, I don't have my mother pointing me around in a certain direction so I had to look up what was best for myself. Some people, even as adults, will taken their mother's word as gospel. Maybe they are just doing what they were told was best? I can't blame them for that.


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

The truth is - everyone judges. It really doesn't matter - as its usually done in your head. The only problem with being 'judgemental' is when you no longer keep it in your head.
Its not that I only have one child or have found that I am less judgemental over time - its that you grow more self confident and care less what others think! lol This is what happens over time - you learn not to be so self concious.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

I totally judge other parents, but I keep it to myself. And I fully recognize that none of us are perfect and there will be countless times during my son's childhood that I'll make mistakes. It's okay to judge as long as you're also willing to be humbled.


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## AndrewsMother (Jul 30, 2007)

Honestly, I don't care what other parents do with their children as long as it is not abuse or ill treatment or allowing their daughters to dress like hookers or parents that get high with their children. Those are my two pet peeves, but other than turning up my nose I let it go.

All parents have the right to decide how they want to give birth, how they want to feed their children, and how they want to parent their children.

Just because I know I think is a better way, does not mean that it is the right way for other parents.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
I think, the less that I judge other people, the less I feel that others are judging me- it's kind of like there's a cycle of perception of criticism. Once I can let go of worrying about what others are thinking about me, I stop being so defensive and don't need to justify my own choices to myself (by putting down others' choices).

Yep! That is so true. You get what you give.

I just really agree that the older my kids get, and the older I get, the less I feel qualified to judge. This is just so hard! It's so, so hard to know if you're making the right decisions.

I seriously can doubt every decision I have ever made. Sure, BFing was probably great for my kids, but maybe allowing our kids to have more formula and bottles would have resulted in a better bond with their daddy, which would have led to him taking more authority in other parenting areas, which would have resulted in less visible irritation on my part when he sits reading his book while his kids need supervision and I need a break, which would have led to less stressed-out kids when we fight. We don't fight that often, but how do I know whether the effect of EBFing was more beneficial than the effect of less fighting and a closer relationship with their father would have been?

Anyway, I can do that with pretty much everything, except maybe cloth diapering. Especially now that my dd is entering school and I'm seeing how things have worked out for people.


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## Mountaingirl79 (Jul 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelaM* 
I agree with pps who have noted the problems with judgement when you don't have the entire story. I hate to think that people are judging me when they see me give my DD bottles in public. Without knowing our back story (breast surgery, low-supply, EP-ing, etc.), I probably look like a mom who "doesn't care" about breast feeding. In fact, strangers have made snarky comments to me before, asking if I'm aware that breast is best. After spending hours of my day on a pump, taking every herb and medication known to man to try and increase my supply, and driving around a four-state radius to pick up donor milk, this is honestly infuriating. Is my story "exceptional"? Maybe, but who knows? I definitely found that hitting my own roadblocks as a parent has made me much more compassionate toward those whose practices seem very different than mine.

Oh, and I hate the assumption that if you hear a crying baby, the neighbors are practicing CIO. Our DD screamed her lungs out this weekend as she cut three new teeth. I'm pretty sure everyone in the neighborhood heard her, and I can assure you that she spent all of that time screaming in my or my partner's arms.

Anyway, just a reminder that we really do rarely know the path that anyone else is walking.


This!


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

I've been judged as a mom by people who didn't know me at all and told I was a _"terrible mother"_ because my then 19 month old was screeching in the store. It taught me a valuable lesson. _People judge, plain and simple._ Were those people correct? Am I a terrible mother, uh no. What did they want me to do? CIO, smack her? Probably, but then someone else would have judged me as a "_terrible mother"._ Am I the best mom ever? Uh no. My DD watches too many DVD's, is naked half the time and we just let her be free-spirited, I know it drives my friend nutty, she's always telling me my DD "needs to be on a schedule". A schedule for a kid who stays home? I just don't get her reasoning, and most of the time she doesn't get mine. Our kids are different, we are different. I am a bit of a lazy mom, I admit it, I don't believe in schedules unless your life needs that. I'm a bit more free-flowing that's my personality. She needs structure. Both of us are doing what is best for _our_ family.

For me unless it's just outright abusive it's better for me to just keep my mouth shut, because really it's none of my business. After my experience with those people I just learned that really that's the biggest thing. It was none of their damn business what was going on with my DD, even if she was being loud, but they just couldn't keep their mouths shut. I told them off, and maybe they learned a lesson that some things are just better left unsaid.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

I just want to remind everyone of the new forum guidelines:

Quote:

Please avoid negative characterizations, insults, blanket statements, condemnations of others, etc. Members are welcome to post seeking advice, opinions or suggestions on how best to handle conflict, and we welcome posts about changing attitudes as a whole and how to deal with differing views. Venting is understandable, however, we will discourage bashing. Threads/posts that are inflammatory, hurtful or disrespectful will be removed. We are here to discuss our personal parenting paths, not to bash others who may chose differently. We advocate compassionate and respectful approaches to parenting challenges


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelaM* 

Oh, and I hate the assumption that if you hear a crying baby, the neighbors are practicing CIO. Our DD screamed her lungs out this weekend as she cut three new teeth. I'm pretty sure everyone in the neighborhood heard her, and I can assure you that she spent all of that time screaming in my or my partner's arms.


Ugh, I am so, so sorry. Poor baby, poor you guys!


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## InMediasRes (May 18, 2009)

My MIL, who is very religious, always tells me "There are my problems, and there are God's problems." What I like to take away from that is that I can really only work on myself, and that's enough work to last me a lifetime. I think trying to be open and understanding to others is like that. I can really only show by example and speak if given a chance to do so lovingly.

Do I judge? Oh yeah. All the time. But like other PP, I hate being judged. The lowest point in my parenting career was when a support group leader (mainstream hospital type group) told the entire group that my son was high needs _because_ of my choices. The worst part was that I knew everyone else was thinking it. So I try to think about what/why I am judging and take a step back. It's usually because I am angry about how much work this path has meant for me, or I am still healing from the drastic adjustment I've had to make to parenting. Sometimes I judge because it just makes me feel better. When I recognize that I need to feel better, I can find another way.

I try to remember that AP is about seeing the need behind the behavior and meeting that need, and other parents have needs too. If it's a friend, I care about them and their child, so it is more important to be a supporting friend than it is to be "right".

I agree with PP too that having two kids will really change the game for you. Good luck!

------

Leah,







SAHM to two spring kids,







Andrew 3/31/07 and







: Jane 3/1/09, DW to







Mike 6/15/06


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## ilovemygirl (Sep 8, 2008)

I didn't get to read the responses but just wanted to say that I would bet my life that there is no such thing as a mother who hasn't judged *and* been judged. It's impossible. I'm willing to admit that there are tons of things I've seen other moms do that make me crazy and I judge them. I never say anything unless they ask but I do judge them in my thoughts. I don't always get the same respect though and I could seriously fill a book with all the unwanted judgey comments I've received about how I parent my child.


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## lalemma (Apr 21, 2009)

Being judgmental, to me, feels sort of like drinking- pleasant at the time, not so great the next day.

I've noticed that places like MDC can sometimes, ironically, be really nurturing of judgment. This has been kind of an eye-opener to me! When I notice that I am (in real life) soliciting support from friends for being judgmental, I have really been trying to catch myself short.

Being less judgmental is a long-term project for me. I think of it as a really tough spiritual discipline. Not being judgmental is HARD. You can really get a lot of support from others for judging people, and in some social circles it's practically a group hobby. Plus it's such a great distraction from your own problems, you know? Either I could be fretting about how I don't know if my husband will be deployed when I'm due, or I could think about how that lady across the restaurant is ignoring her child. In the short term, judging the other mom feels "better", in the sense that I'm focusing on something other than my own issues. In the long term, the only way to peace is to be peaceful. In the long term, it is genuinely better for my happiness (I really believe this!) that I swallow my initial response and instead think thoughts like "That mom is probably tired. Maybe she worked all day and now she just doesn't have the energy to interact with her baby. But I'm sure she loves her baby just the same. I don't know what's going on in her life, but I hope she feels better tomorrow."

I also frequently think of something my mom - a really gentle and non-judgmental person - says: "Everyone is doing the best they can all the time."

This is so true, in my experience. That girl on the radio who said she isn't breastfeeding because she doesn't want her boobs to sag? Maybe she's a silly person - or maybe she doesn't have the information or the resources or the community to think or know otherwise. It is not my place to judge her. It doesn't help her, it doesn't help me.

And, like a previous poster, I feel that the only way to be less in knots about whether other people are judging me to is to care less about judgments in general. If I am less interested in having an opinion about everyone who crosses my path, I find that I am also way less interested in what they may think of me.

An interesting topic!


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Delicateflower* 
When I don't know the whole story I make one up. So your friend from school told everyone she was having a c-section for size but she really has active herpes and doesn't want to tell anyone. The formula is because her baby is early and just can't latch. And she's not posting pictures of the bloody scabs that pass for her nipples on facebook.

Your SIL is ill-informed, but maybe she was abused as a child and hasn't told you, so she's come up with an excuse that will pass in polite company.

But if I know the whole story, then yes, sometimes I judge people. Sometimes people deserve judgement because they are doing bad things.

I liked this. This is a good way of looking at things.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

I just try to focus on myself. Not that I've never been judgy, but I spend most of my time thinking about ME and my family. I try to keep it positive. I just don't see the point in running other people down. I need help a lot of the time, and I assume other mom's do too!

The other thing I try to do is keep an open mind with other people, and talk about my own experiences. I know I was influenced by watching/talking to my friends about their parenting. I don't remember any of them telling me I had to do it xyz way, they just told me what worked for them. I use what makes sense to me, and reject the rest! I tell people what worked in my family, not what they are doing is wrong.

For me, talking is the best way to learn and if someone comes at me with a judgment, I'll shut down. But I'm always open for a dialogue!


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## LuxPerpetua (Dec 17, 2003)

This is going to sound so egocentric, but I'm usually so wrapped up in what I'm doing with dd that, to be honest, I don't usually pay attention to what other parents are doing. The only times I am actively judgmental is when someone has asked my advice or has asked for me to evaluate a parenting situation (like on MDC threads!). In real life, the few times I've felt judgment of other parents have been when I felt the child wasn't being treated with respect (being spanked, dragged around by the arm, being ignored, etc.). I cannot abide people who don't respect children.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

*I only read the first page*

I am am and have been very judge-y about parents who weren't making my choices for their LO's.
I am really struggling with this and only realized it by being an active member of this board. Most mama's on here may not realize that what they say does really affect people, but for me being here has really widened my eyes and shown me that people can be different and it is ok not to be perfect and still count yourself as a good mom.
For me, I am realizing, it is more about judging myself subconciously and turning that on others to justify my choices and to feel superior.
Through being a part of this community I have had my beliefs challenged and the ones that couldn't hold up I have been able to loosen up about and it feels good.
Not to hi-ack but I have been wanting to write a thread about this but haven't been able to figure out where to put it.

SO thank you to everyone for being here to put in your 2cents, to show others new ways of doing things and thinking about things. BEing a place loaded with women I feel I can trust has liberated me from a lot of that baggage, and I am happy to be a work in progress!


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## intentionalmama (Aug 23, 2008)

*


lalemma said:



being judgmental, to me, feels sort of like drinking- pleasant at the time, not so great the next day.

Click to expand...

*


lalemma said:


> I have one friend who i am very judgmental of. Frankly, I cannot stand the way she treats her child. But i am a coward and have never really talked to her about it; I think there is a part of me that is really frightened of her getting angry at me. (this sounds lame as i write it but it is what it is) Instead i will debrief with my husband or a close friend. I always feel better debriefing - but the truth is it does nothing to help her or her child. It is almost like I can feel superior that I am not doing what she is doing. I really feel embarrassed writing this and there is a part of me that feels really terrible doing this - right afterwords. I also recognize that while this friend of mine does not like the way I parent - she has no problem telling me. I on the other hand am not as honest. So there is a part of me that does admire her.
> 
> *being less judgmental is a long-term project for me. I think of it as a really tough spiritual discipline. Not being judgmental is hard. You can really get a lot of support from others for judging people, and in some social circles it's practically a group hobby.*
> 
> ...


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## LilacMama (Aug 18, 2008)

I assume people know I love my daughter dearly and that I am doing my absolute best to raise her. I also assume people know that I am not perfect, but I would also assume that they accept that about me.

In turn, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt unless they are persistently or flagrantly mean and nasty and horrible.


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## teale (Feb 20, 2009)

I'll admit it, I get judgy too. But I'm getting better at it; like other posters have said, it comes with time. Attachment parenting is easy to apply to an infant, for the most part. Put another child, a different age, and it does become challenging.

I get judgy about things that I feel are common sense, and I get judgy about things that I'm passionate about. HOWEVER, I have realized how judged I am for my choices, and I hate it. No one should ever feel like they have to explain their choices (unless they are harming their children), and it sucks when you have friends say something that puts you on the spot or makes you feel really judged.

I'll be the first to admit, I roll my eyes when someone says they don't want to breastfeed because their boobs will look crappy, but I'm definitely learning to keep it to myself.


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## DianeMarie (Jul 7, 2009)

I think that as far as "judging" anybody or anything, one must try and put themselves in their shoes and think the way they think, which is virtually impossible sometimes.

Your 19-year old SIL, who, admittedly, is not ready for a baby, is thinking like any other 19-year old who is not ready for a baby----she is thinking about her own vanity (which is what normal 19-year old girls think about) and making decisions based on that. Perhaps she will be open to other "ideas" as her pregnancy progresses and she sees herself more of a mother than a "normal" teenager----because after she has the baby, she will definitely NOT be a normal teenager anymore.

And the girl you saw on Facebook----people who are not well informed about things do what they are told, especially by the medical professionals taking care of them. Her statement of having a C/S because the baby was too big could be her explanation----but perhaps the child had CPD or something else and it was in the best interest of the mother and baby to get the child out.

I am going to say something that may end up getting me expelled from this forum---LOL---but this is coming from myself, a medical professional, who is thinking like a medical professional and not like a woman now: In medicine, the malpractice rate is higher than it has EVER been. Physicians are being sued left right and center, even for things that are "normal" outcomes---if the outcomes aren't "PERFECT", then people sue. The process of being sued is a mentally exhausting and emotionally intense period. Sometimes the litigation goes on for years, and ends up at trial, or ends up being settled, or even ends up being dismissed because the plaintiff's attorney realizes that it is a "worthless" suit and when their experts look at it before trial, they tell them that their evidence is weak, so they drop it. This is causing medical professionals to take avenues toward treatment that they never would have thought of before----and this is especially true in the highest-risk and highest malpractice rate sub-specialties: OB/GYN, Anesthesia, Neurosurgery. It is causing OB's to do C/S to avoid any possibility for something bad to happen during a birth---hence the term "unnecessary c-sections" in America. We are terrified of being sued, and do everything to "nip in the bud" anything that would POSSIBLY cause something "bad" to happen. I do not condone it, believe me----however, if you could just TRY to think of the horror of being sued and what you would do to NOT be sued, put yourselves in the shoes of the person having to make the decisions, perhaps you could see WHY these decisions are being made in the first place. OB's are leaving their profession in DROVES. WHY? Because their malpractice insurance premiums are $350,000 a year----and that is with a clean record, no lawsuits pending, no lawsuits settled or verdicts against them. There are basically 2 large medical malpractice insurance companies still left in America----most of the others who used to write policies got out of that market because after one or two lost lawsuits and millions of dollars lost, they went broke! There are legitimate lawsuits in medicine---certainly there are. But, when people see commercials on television with lawyers saying "Have you been hurt? You could be entitled to a lot of money!!!" they SALIVATE with the possibility that they could "receive money for their injuries". The United State population has soared, there are a hell of a lot of babies being born in the United States.........and problems exist. A competent physician is not going to sit around and wait for something to happen---they are going to intervene as soon as possible so that the possibility of a problem becomes a real problem, and then they have to deal with that.

There are A LOT of C/S being done in the United States that don't need to be done---however, I believe this is stemming from doctors attempting to avoid problems from normal vaginal births. Also--women are ELECTING to have C/S too----they are afraid of labor and want to know exactly when and where they are having their babies so that they aren't "inconvenienced". It is like making an appointment for a facial..........however, not every mother wants an unassisted home birth---they are terrified of that!! Some mothers need epidurals and pain meds because they lack the ability to focus and relax themselves enough to give birth completely naturally. Some mothers want to try the natural approach, but want the availability of epidurals and pain meds in case they can't handle it................not everybody is as strong-willed and fearless as other people are!!

How on earth I rambled on about that..........don't know.

It's just that "judgment" is easy---we can all sit back in lots of situations and judge other people for what they did or are doing. Most of us lack the ability to take our shoes off and put the shoes on of the person we are judging and think like they are thinking. If you can do this, often you can "advise" and "teach" them alternate ways or let them know that there are choices........and sometimes this won't work.

People make bad decisions...........but that doesn't make them bad people.

By the way---I am not an obstetrician.


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## rhubarbarin (May 2, 2008)

I certainly wouldn't want to live my life like 99% of the people I know, but they are doing the best they can. I try not to feel superior and I very rarely criticize people. I do my best not to get involved in conversations that involve judging people/groups.. but I don't worry about judging people in my own thoughts. It's natural.

If someone asks advice - their feelings come first, over my honest opinion.

I used to get too wrapped up in other people's choices/mistakes, but after a lot of thought on that matter and years of effort to disengage, I don't have that problem.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

rhubarbarin said:


> If someone asks advice - their feelings come first, over my honest opinion.
> 
> 
> > Good advice!


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

I don't judge anyone.







I might get a little upset when someone I know doesn't do their research and decides to just go with formula feeding or letting their child CIO because it just seems the right thing to do so they aren't overwhelmed as parents, but there's nothing I can do about it. I had a friend once that used CIO with her young children and it made me cringe if I was at her house during nap time so I avoided going there that time of day. I never did again and we remained friends for a while until I moved. While it irritated me that she let her children CIO, I didn't let it interefer with our friendship at the time. I'm sure she thought I was weird for saying I co-slept and home schooled my oldest at that time. To each his own.

When I had my first child I was not educated on BF so I didn't go that route either and I had him by emergency c/s. He turned out quite fine and is a great 14 y o. Well...he has his moments.







He IS a teenager. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that in the *long run* it doesn't really matter does it? If you like someone or care about someone who has other ideas about raising their children - is it really worth it to mess up that bond with that person just because they don't see things the same way you do? I don't really think it is.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peainthepod* 
I totally judge other parents, but I keep it to myself. And I fully recognize that none of us are perfect and there will be countless times during my son's childhood that I'll make mistakes. It's okay to judge as long as you're also willing to be humbled.

great point! My problem with some people who have judged in the past is the fact that they aren't this way.







They think their way is the only way to do it.

I think what has helped me is seeing my children get older. You really start to loosen up a bit. It's easier in the beginning when you have babies and toddlers to be a little more judgemental because you have all these ideas in place of "how" you want to raise your children and the kids listen to you and do it "your" way, but I've learned over time that it doesn't always go the way you want it to as they get older and it does get a bit tougher to remain an AP.


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## Harmony08 (Feb 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spmamma* 
We're all going to be bothered by other people's parenting choices at one time or another. Personally, I think it's perfectly okay to have those thoughts - and I freely admit that I have them sometimes too. It's what we do with those thoughts that counts.

I try really hard to offer advice only when requested. Any advice I do give is given from a loving place and with the understanding that the recipient may or may not take it to heart. And I avoid parenting topics that I know will put a wedge in my friendship with another person. I may not agree with the person, but I still care enough about them to be considerate of their feelings and respectful of their beliefs.

Yes. I agree.

I am very tired of my sister's criticism veiled in little questions and suggestions as she attempts to help me see the light.

I may think that I am right but I know if I do the same thing to someone else they will probably feel like I do when she does this to me. Sorry for the run on. Hope you can figure it out.


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