# Mama's I need your guidance :( - UPDATE



## Fyrestorm (Feb 14, 2006)

A close friend just found out that her baby has passed. She is 38 weeks. I am at a total loss. I can't even imagine where she is right now







.

I had made her a blanket, hat sweater and booty set for the babe...he will now be buried in it. Mama is still hoping to labor and birth this baby at home.

I do a lot of crafting for charity (mostly items related to birth loss) so I know many hospitals provide families with a memory box. If they are able to birth him at home, they will not receive one of these. So...my question is should I provide one for them?

I will make a matching set to the one the he will sleep in forever and some other momentos..( I was thinking I would make a matching set even if they end up in the hospital as well) Would this be a good thing or a bad thing...I just don't know what to do.

Also, any other suggestions for a memory box would be most welcome.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

A matching set would be lovely I think. Really thoughtful. Just as many mementos as possible are what you have to hold when the baby has gone. So, all of that is wonderful. Pictures will also be terribly, terribly important. I would ask your friend if she has anyone who could sit gently by and take some pictures - a LOT of pictures of the baby and her, her partner and the baby, etc etc. I have many of Josie and they are incredibly important to me.

You are a good friend, mama. I feel so sad for your friend. We are here if she needs support after all is done. *HUGE, enormous hugs* XXX


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## Fyrestorm (Feb 14, 2006)

Thank you

They already have someone set up to take photos of the birth who is still willing to be there for them...and are thinking of calling a professional for after birth photos...My Dh and I should be there by then and he will take some formal portraits.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

oh, you are a thoughtful friend. a matching set is wonderful. now i'm wishing that i had a matching sleeper to what my matthew was buried in.

i am grateful for my memory box. i keep it in my closet and open it every day. that feels better than having his things scattered. i want to choose when i see his things, not stumble across them or have them in a pile.

it sounds like she has the pictures covered but i would also suggest that she can't have too many pictures. my midwife took pictures, i took pictures, my favorite nurse took pictures. i was thinking at the time, we have pictures, we don't need anymore, but now i'm glad to have so many from different perspectives and different times and days.

in my case, matthew looked better (swelling went down, the redness/purpleing went away) after about 12 hours. he actually looked much better the next day. i was so grateful that we took pictures the following day when his face looked more like "him". so i might offer to take pictures on a subsequent visit if you're able.

(((hugs))) to you and especially your dear friend.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

a matching set would be so nice! Maybe they can even dress him in it, so they have something that he wore? My husband carried our sons hat that he wore around for months after he was born, it brought him so much comfort. Also, encourage lots of pictures - that seems to be one of the things we regret most, not having enough pictures. Big hugs to your friend, and thank you for caring so much for her and her baby.


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## Fyrestorm (Feb 14, 2006)

I know I won't have time to complete the whole set...I should be able to get at least a hat and booties done on the trip though...we can most likely get him dresses in those. I'll supply the blanket and sweater as soon as they're done.

Does someone have the name of the organization that does memorial photography? I know they will go to the hospital, hopefully they will do a home visit as well.

We're driving out later tonight but I should have computer access.


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

I volunteer with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep which does professional bereavement photos for families of still births or babies on being taken off of lifesupport. You can locate them at nilmdts.org and find a photographer in her area. This is completely free of charge they will do many poses and they will retouch the photos and give her a cd usually within 6wks.
ALSO - You may have to call a few as it's kinda up to us sometimes as whether or not we go to a homebirth.


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## Fyrestorm (Feb 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Authentic_Mother* 
I volunteer with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep which does professional bereavement photos for families of still births or babies on being taken off of lifesupport. You can locate them at nilmdts.org

Thank you! That is the one I was thinking of.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

Ditto on the pictures - they are so very important. I think that being able to have somethign that their son wore/touched is important, too. Some nice, thick paper and an ink pad for hand and foot prints if they are at home will be appreciated. There was a little note in our memory box from the hospital that said something about every time you open and close it, it helps you to bring their memory to light. Hmm, I will take a look tonight and type it in for you - I thought it was really sweet.

*hugs* to you. What your friend is going to need most is wonderful, kind, sweet people just like you to help her and her husband through the difficult days, months, weeks and years ahead. Acknowledge their son, call him by name, and give lots of hugs.


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## baize2006 (May 21, 2005)

They also sell kits for doing hand and foot molds at arts and craft stores. That can be a nice thing to do in adition to prints.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I didn't forget about the poem, but I wasn't able to get to it last night. I will try my best to get it tonight.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

If she does birth at home, she'll have more time with him... but just in case, encourage her to look at him, hold him, touch him. She might be afraid to see him - she may or may not say that. But make it ok. And please, remind her to take time. Lots of time. Let her be alone with him. Encourage her to give him a gentle bath. Talk to him. Sing to him. Remind her to look at everything, everything, every little tiny part, because this will be the only chance she'll have. Have pictures taken of him without all the wrappings, too... she may think she won't want to remember him that way, but she will regret not having them later. And get pictures of the tiniest things... the soles of the feet, the palms of the hands, the top of his head, his little spine and bum, all of him, as much as possible. And video, too, if someone has one and can do it. Would be great to have later.

If he has a lot of hair, remember to cut some for her and put it in an envelope. Encourage her to gently open his eyes and look at them. Say his name out loud. A lot. Tell her how beautiful he is. She'll know it, and she'll feel it, but she may be afraid to say it until you do. Acknowledge how perfect and amazing he is.

You can give her a book to read later:

Life Touches Life
An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
The Next Place (it's a children's book, but wow, it's amazing)

You can also make up a list of web resources for her. She'll probably want to connect with other mothers who experienced a loss like this - it becomes such a wonderful lifeline. I spent hours reading blogs of stories of stillbirth after my William was gone.

The forum here of course: MDC Pregnancy and Loss Board
www.missfoundation.org
www.stillbirthalliance.org
www.babyangelpics.com
Glow in the Woods
Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Directory
Missing Angels Memorial Pictures
Stillbirth in the News

I'm so very sorry to hear that another baby is gone... my heart breaks for her and her family. The best thing you can do is love her and listen. Just love her... and keep on listening, now and later, too.


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## Fyrestorm (Feb 14, 2006)

Well...he has arrived.

Just over 4 lbs...beautiful...perfect....they have agreed to an autopsy since there was no indication of a cord accident.

He was born in the hospital..L had developed a fever with no sign of impending labor. He had been gone too long.

We didn't have much time with him, (he was in pretty bad shape) but long enough to get a slew of pictures. We also had a great photographer who agreed to come from NILMDTS (thank you again for that info). We got foot prints and hand prints and a lock of his curly black mop of hair. I also managed to get the hat and one bootie done on the trip.

Mama is home and doing as well as can be expected...I think she is still in shock and that's not a bad thing right now. I'll be staying through the weekend and most likely making the trip back next week. She is surrounded with friends and family (and more food than I have ever seen in one place before. The babe is being cremated Monday and there will be a memorial when mom and dad are ready.

Bryant Scott Z_________
Born sleeping June 12 at 9:10 am
4 lb 3 oz
You are much loved


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Again so sorry for your friend. She's lucky to have you.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

I just want to say what a wonderful friend you are. Perhaps you can tell your friend about this board so she can talk when/if she needs to? Just being there for her is great.
I have two friends local to me and they have been invaluable, just listening, understanding and not judging/rushing etc.


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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

I'm so glad she got to have pictures.
You're a good friend!


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for your friend's loss. What you have done for her is just beautiful.


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## Fyrestorm (Feb 14, 2006)

I mentioned this board to her...she actually is a member of MDC but hasn't done much but lurk.

Thank you all for your advice and suggestions. I was feeling like a chicken with me head cut off and just didn't know what to do.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fyrestorm* 
I mentioned this board to her...she actually is a member of MDC but hasn't done much but lurk.

Thank you all for your advice and suggestions. I was feeling like a chicken with me head cut off and just didn't know what to do.

I'm so glad she has you. And HUGS to you, too. It can't be easy, watching someone you love in so much pain.







:


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