# Emotionally blackmailing MIL



## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Just was wondering if anybody had a few tips about how to deal with an emotional blackmailing mother in law/grandma.

The last time I went to my MIL's house, (which is very rare) my toddler did not want to give her a kiss goodbye. He doesn't see her often, and he is reserved around people who he perceives as strangers. At the time he must have been a little bit over 18 months of age. So she went to kiss her goodbye, and he turns away, and she is like "Gasp! Well! No more toys for you from me! No more clothes, nothing!" And she was smiling. But she always does this thing where she is smiling/joking, but she really is serious. I just took him from my husband (who was holding him at the time) and turned to leave. I get so flabbergasted at her that I just never know what to say, and I seethe in silence.

My husband and I avoid her, but there are times where she is unavoidable. Last week, she came over to my sister in law's house (whom we very temporarily stay with, for when my sister in law moves out, and lets us have her apartment, mil is no longer welcome here...) MIL brought a women with her that I never met before, and when she (mil) went to play with my toddler, now 23 months old, and whom my toddler still doesn't like her, because she is so pushy and he likes to warm up to people on his own terms, she tells her friend (and everyone that she knows for that matter) how awful we are, because she never gets to see him, and how unheard of it is that a toddler won't come to his own grandmother.

I don't know what to say to her when she does this. She stays upset with me and my husband because we make our visits to her so rare, and when we must see her, this is the first things she always "jokingly" says, and she is always addressing it to someone else, or to my child, and never directly to us.

I try to figure out why she pisses me off so bad when she says this to other people, and I think it's because of the idea that my toddler is going to get, as he's starting to understand things, and the ideas that she gives people that don't even know about me. She gives people preconcieved ideas about how horrible my husband and I are, so they make up their minds about us before they even meet us, based on what she says.

I just wish I knew how to handle these situations in the rare occassions that I must deal, because dealing with her becomes increasingly rare, because we are trying to put up distance between us and her. We are pretty sure she is narcissistic. She leaves me so mad, and frustrated that I don't know how to respond.


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## Cenote (Dec 14, 2004)

Well, I don't have an emotionally blackmailing MIL -- but I do have an emotionally blackmailing MOTHER!!!

My ds is and always has been a very slow to warm up kid. Your description of your ds totally reminds me of my ds at that age. We've done everything we can to make things comfortable for him when he goes to new places and meets new people. He is now 6 yo, almost 7 and he's still the same, wonderful, lovely, thoughtful, intelligent, slow to warm up kid. My MIL/FIL totally get him (and see him much more). My mom and dad, well that's another story.

For my ds, familiarity is everything. My MIL and FIL understand this and as they lives a five hour drive from us, see him more than my parents, who live on the other side of the country. We're in CA and my family is in Georgia. We get out there between 1 - 2 times a year but we see MIL/FIL much more frequently. Still, my ds has about a 1 hour to 3 hour warm up time to MIL - and she's totally cool about it!







: My parents have been to visit me in CA 3 times in 20 years -- once when I got married, once when ds was born and once when he was 2. So, he doesn't see them much and isn't very comfortable with them. Additionally, my parents are very narcisistic (so narcistic that they expect all their children to come to them for visits even though they are retired and afford the time and money to go to see their kids and grandkids -- it's been a problem my brother and SIL have to face incessantly and they have 6 kids and live 2 hours away from my parents.). Added to that, they really have no idea how to be around kids, especially ones who don't immediately feed their egos by being hugging and kissing them.

After my last visit, when my ds didn't really interact with them much (was too busy playing heartily with his cousins!!!), they "expressed concern" about him. Of course, this "concern" was actually because my mom was really really angry with me because I wouldn't bash SIL with her (can we say dysfunctional family??). She'd already done a couple of other really hurtful things to me and didn't get the desired result. Then she expressed her "concern". I know my mom and I know what she was really doing. Manipulative to the nth degree!







: Nonetheless, here is essentially what I told them:

"If you want a relationship with ds, you are going to need to be with him in his comfortable environment more frequently and not put any pressure on him to "perform" up to your standards. Just hang out with him and let him, slowly, get accustomed to you. Be with him, don't put him on the spot, and find those tiny openings that get him to trust you."

I don't know if they got it or not, but I found that I was not going to deal with them being disrespectful to my son or me and my parenting.

You might consider just telling her that your ds is slow to warm up and when he feels comfortable enough to kiss her, he will, and not until then. If he never does, it does not reflect on him or her - it is just his personal space issues that need to be respected. And if she can't respect who he is, then there will probably be less time available to spend with him.

There are people (especially the older generation) who think children need to behave in a certain way towards adults. In my mind, kids need to be respected as well and not forced to give false affection. I would never have been able to get my ds to hug or kiss my parents if he didn't want to. Sometimes all he does is shake their hands and, to my mind, that is going to have to be okay!

Good luck with this.

Michelle


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## chinaKat (Aug 6, 2005)

Your MIL sounds very passive-aggressive. If I were you I'd do some research (google or at the library) on the best techniques for dealing with P-A people. There are definitely ways to diffuse this sort of behavior.

Good luck!


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

"Oh silly (MIL), you know we just don't get around to visit very often because dc & us are so busy (insert something here - learning new things, whatever)"

"Oh Granny, you know how important it is for dc to feel comfortable. He's a really special kiddo and does things his own way."

Said pretty upbeat but matter-of fact like I think would really help diffuse the fact that either of these situations are really all about her and that there are reasons for them (and a little bit you crazy lady don't you remember, esp if you have to say it over & over).

I can really understand being annoyed about her talking to other people about your family the way she does - it's good to think about why it's really bothering you too the way you have, cause it really helps in finding something to DO about it.
It might be good to remember though that you are probably not the only people she treats this way and even friends of hers know she has these . . ahem, unique ways of framing situations.


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

I'm betting that she takes everything personally? And is always hurt? And complains about everybody/everything in her life?

I deal with this. I have given up on trying to correct my MIL or get her to see the light. The only thing I can do is protect my child since my poor DH has already gone through the wringer with his mother.

My DD is older and I have explained it to her like this: DD, grandma is the kind of person who gets her feelings hurt very easily. They get hurt by things that might not hurt our feelings, so we often don't even realize we are doing anything to hurt her. It must be very hard for her to be so hurt so often, and it is hard for us because we often feel as if we have done something wrong.

And that's what I've done. I feel your pain. I don't waste my time or energy on trying to help her because after 20 years I can safely say that she is not going to change. She won't change because she can't even see that there is a problem. The good news is that my DD "gets it" and knows she can come to me about her problems with grandma and I won't tell grandma that she has done that, nor will I get worked up. DD knows that I am her safe haven when grandma confuses her.

Good luck.


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## delphiniumpansy (Mar 1, 2007)

lovebeads gave good advice. If your mil wants to have this kind of relationship with your child, that is her choice. She is digging her own grave here. Just keep avoiding her as much as you can and when you do see her, try to help your child have some fun regardless of her comments. When she makes comments, ignore her. Like I said, she is digging her own grave and making her relationship with her grandchild what it is. Your son will grow up knowing who loves him unconditionally and how is a sad, mind-controlling despot.


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## honeybee (Mar 12, 2004)

I don't have specific advice, but I just wanted to say...

I checked out this thread because I thought there would be tips on how to emotionally blackmail MIL.







:


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

my MIL is the same way....very passive agressive and pushy and always wants to be right. Usually I just ignore her on issues that aren't serious otherwise I'd do nothing but correct her and I don't want my dd to constantly see me being negative towards her. Even as much as I despise her I refuse to let my feelings towards her rub off on dd. She deserves to have loving grandparents. But when she expects a hug as soon as she walks in the door and dd clearly isn't in to it I tell her to give her time and she will come up to you. She has never rejected anyone who gives her space, ever and I try to remind MIL of that. Instead I'll offer to let her hold dd2 if she's not sleeping or fussing/crying. I also tell her that she's like that with everyone (needing time to warm up) except for us and that includes my parents. I think she compares herself to my parents and that softens the blow a little bit.


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## Greensleeves (Aug 4, 2004)

I like Mumkimum's suggestion, it kind of gives you back some of your power in the situation.


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## greeny (Apr 27, 2007)

I'd probably say/do the following:

"MIL, it takes ds a long time to warm up to people he doesn't see that often. He doesn't really feel comfortable with kisses and hugs from anyone other than dh and me. But I have a good idea. We just picked up this new toy for ds, and I was wondering if you'd like to open it with him."

Then give her the toy (can be something small that he'd be interested in) and let the two of them open it/play with it together. It might be a way to get communication started between the two of them, and it would show MIL that you DO care that she develops a relationship with ds.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

She still at it?







:

Hope you're well Sonya, haven't talked to you in ages.


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