# Son had an erection, how should I respond?



## jdedmom

Last night we pulled into our driveway after DS(11) baseball game. He gets out of the car and says look mom. I look to see him pointing to his obvious erection. He was smiling....proud I think







I laughed and told him to show his dad. Dad laughed. I told my son (not shaming) that he should not point that out to girls or boys either. He asked why I laughed then. I said it was because I was surprised.

Surprised is an understatement. I was caught in a parenting moment that I was really unsure how to handle. I told DH that he should discuss this with DS. DS is not modest about his body but he is at the age where some things need to be private and we are gently trying to teach him this. I worry though that he is this relaxed and unihibited when we are not around. How do I teach him appropriateness without shaming?


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## Jessy1019

I think it's awesome that he was proud and like, "no big deal" about it!

No advice, just







for having a confident, open kid.


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## nextcommercial

I kinda think he can safely show it to his friends though.









Pretty sure they will think it's funny too.


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## txgal

I think you can tell him that somethings are private, and that it is not appropriate to show people. At 11, it seems that he should have some awareness of social norms, and like it or not walking around and showing off your erection is not a social norm. Granted boys will be boys, no need to make a big deal about it just tell him that "yes, his body is amazing and does lots of neat things, but it's not appropriate to show them to everyone."


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## jdedmom

Thanks Jessy! I really like your perspective.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
I kinda think he can safely show it to his friends though.









Pretty sure they will think it's funny too.

You think so? I have no idea. I would think it would be embarrassing for most kids. I don't remember talking about AF or anything sexual with friends at age 11. I really want to make sure he's appropriate and I don't want his innocence to be taken the wrong way. YKWIM?

Also as his mom I think I have to establish some boundaries between us. How do I do that? I do talk with him about the "birds and the bees" but how do I talk about/be open about his sexual development without knowing too much. Gosh I hope I'm being clear. DH is more old fashioned and has a tough time being open with DS. Oh I dont know, maybe I'm overthinking this????


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## Roar

I wasn't clear from your post. Does he have the background to understand what was happening? Does he know what an erection is, why it might happen and what function it serves? If not, that's where I'd start is making sure he's got plenty of good information about puberty and what is going on with his body.


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## Yoshua

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jdedmom* 
Thanks Jessy! I really like your perspective.

You think so? I have no idea. I would think it would be embarrassing for most kids. I don't remember talking about AF or anything sexual with friends at age 11. I really want to make sure he's appropriate and I don't want his innocence to be taken the wrong way. YKWIM?

Also as his mom I think I have to establish some boundaries between us. How do I do that? I do talk with him about the "birds and the bees" but how do I talk about/be open about his sexual development without knowing too much. Gosh I hope I'm being clear. DH is more old fashioned and has a tough time being open with DS. Oh I dont know, maybe I'm overthinking this????

Your son is 11?

There is no such thing as too much. He is about to hit puberty if he hasn't already and should be prepared as much as possible with the truth about puberty, his body, and what will change from his parents.

I might be wrong but it sounds as though you are a little uncomfortable with the subject, but you shouldn't be.

He should know that the erections he is having are normal and not much he can do about them. That when out in public it isn't 'proper' to show off your genetils to anyone who will look, because eventually someone you don't want to look just might look anyways.

And that the changes he is about to experiance is completely normal. Soon he will be having sexual thoughts about the people he is attracted to, if he isn't already, and he should be equipped with information from his parents about them instead of left to his own devices to try to figure them out. Trust me, no matter how much information you give him he is still going to do some experiamentation on his own.

There is no such thing as too much information, but there is such thing as not enough.


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## jdedmom

Oh my....this came out soo wrong.







I do talk to my son about sex, puberty, girls; all that good stuff. He has had a sex ed class this year and also has a couple books on puberty. I am not uncomfortable about discussing the subject but I think a line should be drawn between a mom and son. I explained normal body functions happen but I'm trying to tell him gently that I don't "need" to know *when* he has an erection, is masterbating, having wet dreams etc. You know "the details".


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## Yoshua

Well imo the line you want to set up is superficial, there really isn't a NEED for it in my opinion until he decides to stop telling you stuff.

Trust me when I say your wanting him to stop telling or showing you things will come back to bite you one day.

ETA:
One day when you think there should be a need for him to be open with you about something on his body he may not feel it is appropriate to talk to you about it....

Lets say for instance he contracts an STD as a teenager but has been taught there should be a line?

He will decide one day he doesn't want his mom to see him naked, but I wouldnt push for the day to come any faster than it is.

I think mine started just around 11 or 12. It was 5th grade when I didn't want my mom to come into the bathroom when I was taking a bath.

You don't need to teach him, it will show up all on its own.


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## mamawanabe

I think instead of teaching/telling him what is socially appropriate (which is arbritary), just tell him that YOU don't want it pointed out, that it makes YOU uncomfortable. You have a right to explain to him your own boundaries, but I do think when you try to enforce these boundaries as social rules, than you may squash his nature exuberance.

I imagine that he may just point it out to one of his friends and they will either say "eww gross" (which, along with your reaction that you aren't comfortable with it, will help him learn the social rules) OR the friend will say "I have them too," and the boys will bond a bit over their body stuff, bonding that will serve him well when he hits puperty and body/sex stuff becomes more taboo.

I guess I feel like he will learn the social rules best from his friends and from TV/culture (and by 14 or so, he will know that in our society bodies tend to be thinsg people are embarassed about, that don't smell right, that do weird things like erections). The best you can do is counteract these cultural rules is to create a safe space in yoru home where bodies are normal (and private does sound like a euphenism for "hide"). That space needs to be safe for you too, which is why you can ask him not to point out his errections to you, but I don't think you need to do more.


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## jdedmom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yoshua* 
Well imo the line you want to set up is superficial, there really isn't a NEED for it in my opinion until he decides to stop telling you stuff.

Trust me when I say your wanting him to stop telling or showing you things will come back to bite you one day.

ETA:
One day when you think there should be a need for him to be open with you about something on his body he may not feel it is appropriate to talk to you about it....

Lets say for instance he contracts an STD as a teenager but has been taught there should be a line?

He will decide one day he doesn't want his mom to see him naked, but I wouldnt push for the day to come any faster than it is.

I think mine started just around 11 or 12. It was 5th grade when I didn't want my mom to come into the bathroom when I was taking a bath.

You don't need to teach him, it will show up all on its own.

I see what your saying. I want him to know he can come to me. I really do. I think I can maintain an open relationship with him about sex. I just want it to remain healthy. Coming to me about birth control or STD is something I want to encourage. Are you saying you would discuss the details of your childs sex life with them?


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## Yoshua

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jdedmom* 
I see what your saying. I want him to know he can come to me. I really do. I think I can maintain an open relationship with him about sex. I just want it to remain healthy. Coming to me about birth control or STD is something I want to encourage. Are you saying you would discuss the details of your childs sex life with them?

Yes and No.

I am saying that I am not going to ask questions about it, but I definately won't turn them away if they have questions or issues with it. Regardless of their age.

For instance if my son or daughter (now that I have both) Decide at 13 years old to become sexually active I am going to do what I can to educate them about the risks but there is not much you can do to control this short of locking them in their bedrooms till they are old enough in your eyes to start experiamenting. And I also want them to be comfortable enough to ask me for birthcontrol BEFORE they are serious about having sex. Not after.


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## the_lissa

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jdedmom* 
I see what your saying. I want him to know he can come to me. I really do. I think I can maintain an open relationship with him about sex. I just want it to remain healthy. Coming to me about birth control or STD is something I want to encourage. Are you saying you would discuss the details of your childs sex life with them?

I discussed details of my sex life with my mother when I was a teenager. I hope my children and I have that open of a relationship.


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## jdedmom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamawanabe* 
I think instead of teaching/telling him what is socially appropriate (which is arbritary), just tell him that YOU don't want it pointed out, that it makes YOU uncomfortable. You have a right to explain to him your own boundaries, but I do think when you try to enforce these boundaries as social rules, than you may squash his nature exuberance.

I imagine that he may just point it out to one of his friends and they will either say "eww gross" (which, along with your reaction that you aren't comfortable with it, will help him learn the social rules) OR the friend will say "I have them too," and the boys will bond a bit over their body stuff, bonding that will serve him well when he hits puperty and body/sex stuff becomes more taboo.

I guess I feel like he will learn the social rules best from his friends and from TV/culture (and by 14 or so, he will know that in our society bodies tend to be thinsg people are embarassed about, that don't smell right, that do weird things like erections). The best you can do is counteract these cultural rules is to create a safe space in yoru home where bodies are normal (and private does sound like a euphenism for "hide"). That space needs to be safe for you too, which is why you can ask him not to point out his errections to you, but I don't think you need to do more.

Thanks mamawanabe,

I am still unsure how to parent a preteen boy.







I never thought about learning social rules from his friends(that scares me a little). I guess I want to protect him from embarassment. I know I have to start loosening the reigns too.







I will try. Talk to me in ten years when my youngest will be 12 and I'll be a pro and know all the answers (if I survive).


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## mamawanabe

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jdedmom* 
Thanks mamawanabe,

I am still unsure how to parent a preteen boy.







I never thought about learning social rules from his friends(that scares me a little). I guess I want to protect him from embarassment. I know I have to start loosening the reigns too.







I will try. Talk to me in ten years when my youngest will be 12 and I'll be a pro and know all the answers (if I survive).









Good luck trying to save him from embarassment in jr high. Breathing is embassing when you are 13.









In jr. high, being "normal" is the holy grail (constantly sought after and yet impossible). I don't think we need to help our kids learn what "normal" is because they get a boot camp in "normal" in 7th grade. They learn the rules (or they don't - but mom's explanations aren't gonna make a difference) Better to create a space at home where weird is 100% acceptable.

I swear I spent jr high learning how to be normal and college relearning to be wierd. I think this is a pretty typical trajectory.


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## BelgianSheepDog

Hmm...am I the only person who finds this situation a little unusual? Every boy that age I have ever known has been very modest and reticent about his body. I can't imagine any young male I have ever known showing off his erection to his mother.









I ran this by dh and he was like "ummm...something is not right there." He says it sounds like a red flag to him, not really normal boy behavior.


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## Marsupialmom

I have to agree with Belgiansheep dog....something doesn't seem/feel right about this situation.

I have a cousin that was very open with his sexuality with his parents...he just got released from prison for crack cocaine, male prostitution, and even though he hasn't been caught by the police he was caught and my grandfather watched him close because he like to peep and tom.

I know my son's penis will get hard because it is stimulate (or at that/this age rubbed the wrong way). I find the announcement is not my business, that it is happening his business. It wouldn't be acceptable for my dh to point out that he has an erection to our kids. Why would the other way be OK? It isn't like your child had an unplanned erection that is inhibiting something. Like him getting ready to take out trash, he hits the corner of the couch and his penis gets hard because stimulation. I could see him pointing out or insinuating it not be the best time to take out trash.

I want to have open conversation and my children come to me but at the same time there are boundaries. Having erection or being sexually aroused isn't something I need to know about in most cases.


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## jdedmom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog* 
Hmm...am I the only person who finds this situation a little unusual? Every boy that age I have ever known has been very modest and reticent about his body. I can't imagine any young male I have ever known showing off his erection to his mother.









I ran this by dh and he was like "ummm...something is not right there." He says it sounds like a red flag to him, not really normal boy behavior.

A red flag in what way?

I will say that my DS is probably a little more immature when it comes to sexuality. My neighbor who's son is best friend with my son could probably teach sex ed. I think they are a little to open with their son (talking about not getting girls pregnant, etc). I haven't gotten to that point with my son and as of right now he doesn't even like girls yet. I know it's coming though.

We have only (in the last year) encouraged him to bathe in private and take his clothes into the bathroom to change. We don't walk around naked but we aren't prudish either. He is a boy that still is very innocent, secure, trusting and very, very loving. That is really the issue. Where do I step in and take away some of that innocence by explaining what is appropriate, and when, where and why.

BSD,
I get a sense of where your coming from but I can assure you that it is nothing more than childhood innocence (although not age appropriate) and I want to encourage him to respond age appropriately.


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## jdedmom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
I have to agree with Belgiansheep dog....something doesn't seem/feel right about this situation.

I have a cousin that was very open with his sexuality with his parents...he just got released from prison for crack cocaine, male prostitution, and even though he hasn't been caught by the police he was caught and my grandfather watched him close because he like to peep and tom.

I know my son's penis will get hard because it is stimulate (or at that/this age rubbed the wrong way). I find the announcement is not my business, that it is happening his business. It wouldn't be acceptable for my dh to point out that he has an erection to our kids. Why would the other way be OK? It isn't like your child had an unplanned erection that is inhibiting something. Like him getting ready to take out trash, he hits the corner of the couch and his penis gets hard because stimulation. I could see him pointing out or insinuating it not be the best time to take out trash.

I want to have open conversation and my children come to me but at the same time there are boundaries. Having erection or being sexually aroused isn't something I need to know about in most cases.

This is the first time he has ever done this. We were in the car coming home from the ice cream shop after his team won the baseball game. He was asking if he could have more ice cream when we got home. I took a wild guess that it was the promise of more ice cream that got him excited.

Where would he learn that pointing out an erection to his mom is not appropriate? I'm getting the impression that some think he should just know.


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## BelgianSheepDog

As for red flag for what...hard to say without knowing more. Things that come to my mind as possibilities are some kind of inappropriate media exposure, a friend who has issues, sexual abuse or harrassment (maybe at school), or some kind of issue with understanding social cues (perhaps related to a learning disability or mental illness).

And I am sorry but I don't think this is just a "naive" or "childish" thing. I mean maybe I could see it as normal for a VERY young kid--like a preschooler--to go around showing off like that and not know it was inappropriate, but I'd think any kid from school age on up would usually know better. As for how does a kid know better? Well if everything is going as usual, you pick it up. You notice that adults and your peers don't usually show off their private parts. So it wouldn't occur to you to do so. Socialization, in short.

If a kid hasn't picked up on "it's taboo to show mom my erection" by 11 years of age, I'd say there's another issue. Not sure what issue, but there's an issue.


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## Houdini

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jdedmom* 
Where do I step in and take away some of that innocence by explaining what is appropriate, and when, where and why.

Why do you feel arming your son with the necessary information about sex and puberty is taking away some of his innocence?


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## MamaWindmill

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jdedmom* 
I will say that my DS is probably a little more immature when it comes to sexuality. My neighbor who's son is best friend with my son could probably teach sex ed. I think they are a little to open with their son (talking about not getting girls pregnant, etc). I haven't gotten to that point with my son and as of right now he doesn't even like girls yet. I know it's coming though.

Are you saying that your neighbor - an adult - is talking to your son about sex?


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## Marsupialmom

I again agree with with Belgiansheep dog about social cues he should be picking up on. If he was 4 doing this I wouldn't think much but at his age there is a difference.

Also, at 11 I doubt the though of ice cream gave him an erections. At that stage of puberty an underwear rub, little breeze, relaxation, the urge to pee can cause them. They are ussually uncontrollable and embarrassing.

I also don't think you have done your child a favor by keeping him ignorant. 12 year olds get pregnant. I realize your ds can't get pregnant but he could daddy. I have worked with boy scouts. I have seen 12 year olds that look like men then others so far from it. In a blink of an eye these changes can happen. His friends are going through changes and some are thinking about sex, masterbation, and sexual pleasures. Others are not. Both are ok.


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## sparklefairy

Don't boys have erections from birth on?

My only concern is that he needs to understand that pointing out his penis to people, especially while erect, might be considered sexual harrassment in some situations.


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## mamawanabe

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sparklefairy* 
My only concern is that he needs to understand that pointing out his penis to people, especially while erect, might be considered sexual harrassment in some situations.

True. i hadn't thought of that.

As for the red flag stuff. 11 can be really young. I imagine in a family really open with bodies that this could happen and not mean anything. Peer stuff (where most socialization happens) doesn't kick in for some kids till 11 or 12 - espeically if the child has a really secure family life. I definitly think my brother could have joked about it at 8 or so in my family (my parents were super open and uncensoring about sex stuff). By 11, probably not, but he was pretty mature for his age. I know 11 year olds who are still really "young" in many ways.


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## lolar2

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sparklefairy* 
Don't boys have erections from birth on?

My only concern is that he needs to understand that pointing out his penis to people, especially while erect, might be considered sexual harrassment in some situations.









:


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## Terabith

I'm gonna have to go with BSD on this one. I'm a little concerned that at 11 he doesn't understand that pointing out an erection is socially unacceptable. I think almost all kids would be embarassed. My first thought was whether or not he had Aspergers or another special need that made social cues difficult to read. But I've never had a preteen boy. So maybe he was just surprised and thought it was funny. I'd watch it pretty closely though.

I would definitely work hard on teaching appropriate social skills/ behavior. True, junior high will be a crash course in normal and teen expectations, but there are rules of social behavior that parents can teach. Not just related to one's body and sex, but just general social living. You teach your kid not to pick their nose in public, that one should say "excuse me" if you burp (although many exceptions with peers apply), close the bathroom door when there is company over, etc. I'd be more conscious than usual about doing this, and I'd watch him for red flags of difficulties socially or emotionally. If he had many, I'd probably get an evaluation. And definitely add safety in regards to sex and adults to my sex ed talks.


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## Eben'sMama

I'm wondering if maybe he figured that his parents would notice the erection, so he decided to address it first and make light of it. It could be that on some level he IS becoming more aware that erections are not always perceived as "socially appropriate," so he was managing it the best way he knew how.

If he's never been taught by his parents that there's anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about when it comes to things like erections, that seems like a really creative, appropriate and direct way to address the situation. It speaks volumes about how much he trusts you guys. Your DS sounds like he's doing just fine to me!


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## pigpokey

I have a friend whose sone would have done that (and there is a similar story but he was a little younger) with his mom. They are very close and I don't think inappropriately so. He is socially adept but still loves his mother to pieces. They're the kind of family (and I know many "mainstream" families that do this) where the mom & teenagers & preteens still don't worry about being naked around each other. I don't think social acceptability is at issue when you are alone with your parents. He did not do this with the school bus driver. Home and parents are supposed to be where you are safe to be goofy.


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## TAC

think about the reaction this boy did get from his family. Everyone had a good chuckle about the situation. Why would he feel inhibited. By 11yo, he knows how his mother will react to this kind of situation. He knows how his family veiws this information. I was more surprised at mom's reaction than the child's behavior. "Go show your father" Not sure I would have done that.... Every family has it's own set of social norms and acceptablity. There is no right or wrong. If you wanted to teach him a boundary line, that was the time to do it. Not neccesarily chuckle with him and tell him to go show his father. I'm not sure after the fact is ok. It kind of makes you look decietful. You laughed with me and made me feel ok and now you are telling me you were uncomfortable? Perhaps waiting until the next time the situation appears is more appropriate.

There is no right or wrong within a family unit. There is only the boundaries that each family has. There are some families that are adamantly opposed to co-sleeping and others that will swear by it. Neither is correct or wrong. Just do what is comfortable with you and your husband and it can remain within the confines of your own family.


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## jdedmom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Eben'sMama* 
I'm wondering if maybe he figured that his parents would notice the erection, so he decided to address it first and make light of it. It could be that on some level he IS becoming more aware that erections are not always perceived as "socially appropriate," so he was managing it the best way he knew how.

If he's never been taught by his parents that there's anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about when it comes to things like erections, that seems like a really creative, appropriate and direct way to address the situation. It speaks volumes about how much he trusts you guys. Your DS sounds like he's doing just fine to me!










Melissa,

I quoted your post because I believe this is where he was coming from. Thank you.

Thank you everyone for your viewpoint. I posted asking how I should repond to him. All the comments suggesting he is not "normal" is really hurting. My son is the most open, uncensored, sensative, giving child. I try to teach him what's appropriate when he needs to know. We do talk about sex. He knows what you have to do, how to do it and what happens when you do. He has learned that from me. I am not going to hand him condoms, give him instruction manuels and push him towards the nearest girl. I supervise my son. We talk about school, we talk about girls and we talk about life. I am not burying my head in the sand with regard of him growing up or what could happen at this age.

Our neighbor (female) is very vocal about her opinions and fate of our teen girl neighbors. Says she bets they are pregnant in the next year and tells her son to stay away from all girls or he'll get a girl pregnant. Her son also has unlimited access to violent video games and is unsupervised most of the time.

I have thought of the sexual harrasment issue and that is a big reason why I posted.

My history of sexual abuse has an impact on how and what I teach my sons and why. If anything I think he knows more about what to do if he is approached by anyone in a sexual or overly friendly way.

Again I apprieciate the opinions that something is "just not right" but I don't think this is the case. We will discuss it again with him and talk to his doctor but I'm not concerned that he was showing "red flags". I was hoping for some tips on what to say, how to respond without shaming him.

Thanks,
Stacy


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## the_lissa

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamawanabe* 
I think instead of teaching/telling him what is socially appropriate (which is arbritary), just tell him that YOU don't want it pointed out, that it makes YOU uncomfortable. You have a right to explain to him your own boundaries, but I do think when you try to enforce these boundaries as social rules, than you may squash his nature exuberance.

I definitely think she should explain what is appropriate. An 11 year old girl should not have to see it at school because he didn't know that it isn't appropriate. It could be very traumatizing for someone, and he could get in trouble also.

To the OP- I don't think it is too open for your neighbour to teach his son about not getting girls pregnant, etc. Your son is 11, and should have a good understanding of puberty, sex, pregnancy and sti prevention, healthy body image, etc.


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## jdedmom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rmcarons* 
think about the reaction this boy did get from his family. Everyone had a good chuckle about the situation. Why would he feel inhibited. By 11yo, he knows how his mother will react to this kind of situation. He knows how his family veiws this information. I was more surprised at mom's reaction than the child's behavior. "Go show your father" Not sure I would have done that.... Every family has it's own set of social norms and acceptablity. There is no right or wrong. If you wanted to teach him a boundary line, that was the time to do it. Not neccesarily chuckle with him and tell him to go show his father. I'm not sure after the fact is ok. It kind of makes you look decietful. You laughed with me and made me feel ok and now you are telling me you were uncomfortable? Perhaps waiting until the next time the situation appears is more appropriate.

There is no right or wrong within a family unit. There is only the boundaries that each family has. There are some families that are adamantly opposed to co-sleeping and others that will swear by it. Neither is correct or wrong. Just do what is comfortable with you and your husband and it can remain within the confines of your own family.

In my defense







my DH does not take the initative in speaking to our son about sex. I guess in the moment I wanted DH to see first hand how he should really should be doing more. We (DH and I) talked again last night and I told him he should be discussing bodily functions with DS. After all how much could I talk to him about erections, masturbation and male hormones.







:


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## jdedmom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
I definitely think she should explain what is appropriate. An 11 year old girl should not have to see it at school because he didn't know that it isn't appropriate. It could be very traumatizing for someone, and he could get in trouble also.

To the OP- I don't think it is too open for your neighbour to teach his son about not getting girls pregnant, etc. Your son is 11, and should have a good understanding of puberty, sex, pregnancy and sti prevention, healthy body image, etc.

Lisa,

I totally agree that 11 year old boys should know about all the above. My neighbor is not open about those topics. She is very close-minded, judgemental and opinionated. She does not want her son to be anywhere near the girls because she doesn't trust them not to trap her son.







:

I want my son to respect girls and want him to have HEALTHY relationships with both sexes.


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## Marsupialmom

When we say somethings not right we are not trying to hurt your feelings. We are being truthful and that at times can hurt. I brought up my cousin situation because there were so many warning signs of something being wrong (for him parenting played a large part).

When he was five he made a developmentally appropriate mistake on understanding sexuality. I had a girl friend over that my brother liked. She was going to stay the night. He asked if she was going to sleep with my brother. Honestly I think he was thinking more literal. But instead of sitting him down and giving him more knowledge they denied he ever said it. Told my friend she must have misheard him (in other words she was lying). That was the first of several behaviors that put up my alarms and later my moms. There were a series of that's not quite right behaviors. Many were "innocent" mistakes. Others were IMO red flags, especially now that I have a 12 year old boy myself. My aunt and uncle were sexually open but not in a positive way. They didn't want to acknowledge something wasn't right. All these little things early on that should have lead him to getting help.

Your child might be perfectly fine but at the same time he might not. Keep that in the back of your head. One incident doesn't make something wrong with him but at the same time it is something you want to take in consideration when you look at the big picture.

Also, I think you shouldn't rely on your husband to talk about sex/sexuality with your son. Your husband is not comfortable with it and that is going to lead to ignorance and your son feeling uncomfortable about it. If you want your son to be comfortable with you about his sexuality you need to do the talking also, not assume your husband should,would, or did.


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## jdedmom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
When we say somethings not right we are not trying to hurt your feelings. We are being truthful and that at times can hurt. I brought up my cousin situation because there were so many warning signs of something being wrong (for him parenting played a large part).

When he was five he made a developmentally appropriate mistake on understanding sexuality. I had a girl friend over that my brother liked. She was going to stay the night. He asked if she was going to sleep with my brother. Honestly I think he was thinking more literal. But instead of sitting him down and giving him more knowledge they denied he ever said it. Told my friend she must have misheard him (in other words she was lying). That was the first of several behaviors that put up my alarms and later my moms. There were a series of that's not quite right behaviors. Many were "innocent" mistakes. Others were IMO red flags, especially now that I have a 12 year old boy myself. My aunt and uncle were sexually open but not in a positive way. They didn't want to acknowledge something wasn't right. All these little things early on that should have lead him to getting help.

Your child might be perfectly fine but at the same time he might not. Keep that in the back of your head. One incident doesn't make something wrong with him but at the same time it is something you want to take in consideration when you look at the big picture.

Also, I think you shouldn't rely on your husband to talk about sex/sexuality with your son. Your husband is not comfortable with it and that is going to lead to ignorance and your son feeling uncomfortable about it. If you want your son to be comfortable with you about his sexuality you need to do the talking also, not assume your husband should,would, or did.

I absolutely agree with you. I may have been more concerned if there are other indicators or signs but there have been none. I really just wanted to make sure I address this with him. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Stacy


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## Houdini

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
Also, I think you shouldn't rely on your husband to talk about sex/sexuality with your son. Your husband is not comfortable with it and that is going to lead to ignorance and your son feeling uncomfortable about it. If you want your son to be comfortable with you about his sexuality you need to do the talking also, not assume your husband should,would, or did.

I completely agree with this. My husband isn't as open with our kids about sex/sexuality as I am, so I make sure that I bring up topics as well.


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## Linda on the move

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jdedmom* 
He is a boy that still is very innocent, secure, trusting and very, very loving. That is really the issue. Where do I step in and take away some of that innocence by explaining what is appropriate, and when, where and why.

I have girls so the issues are different, but what about focusing on what is private in our culture?

I think that part of the problem with not stepping in and "taking away some of that innocence" if that if we aren't open and honest with our children, then they will get the same information from another source in a less kind way. In this case, that information that erections are private and not to be pointed out.


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## AbbieB

When I read this post I was imaging my 11 year old cousin and his mom in this situation. He is the type of kid to fart on her to shock her and make her laugh.

Maybe the boy was just pointing out his erection because he thought it was funny and he knew it would shock mom. Especially if he is an immature 11.

IMO the days of this kind of thing being funny are limited. Especially if mom lets him know it's a little to sexual/inappropriate for her comfort.


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## shantimama

I am not sure that I would jump to conclusions about this being abnormal behaviour. Children who have strong, open relationships with their parents are likely to inofrm them of changes in their bodies - dad I think I am ready for deoderant; mom, I think I need a bra; I found a hair growing - I am really growing up! - stuff like that. A one-time event with a helpful response doesn't concern me.

This boy showed his mother what was happening to him at home - not in the store, not with other people around, he didn't pull down his pants to show her everything. He was probably surprised too. I think it is a perfect opportunity to gently give him the information he needs to have about why erections happen and how to handle himself - including keeping it private and some tips on how to cope when it happens at socially uncomfortable times. If he continually wants to share these moments with others, that is cause for concern, but one time, not so much in my opinion if there are no other problems.

My ds is almost 11 and is fascinated by the changes he knows his body will be going through over the next few years. dh and I talk to him when he wants to - what will happen, how to cope, how much we love him, reinforcing our respect for his privacy and our desire that he will be respectful of others too.

I thik it can be a great opportunity to talk about puberty for boys and girls. When we talked about erections and what to do when they happen, we also talked about what happens to girls and how they feel about it. So my kids (boys and girls) "get it" why the older boys in their school always wear baggy untucked shirts and my ds also had a little sensitivity training on how self-conscious some girls can feel when their breasts start to develop or worrying about their period starting and staining their clothes while they are at school.

I have always been very open and honest wth my chidlren and it hasn't removed any of their innocence. I some ways I think it has protected it becasue they feel safe and unashamed and unafraid to talk about sexuality at home. The conversations always happen in a private space. They know their own goodness and that the changes they go through are not shameful, but very private and important in their lives.


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## Ruthla

He's 11 and this is his first erection? DS has been getting them since infancy.









I teach all of my kids that our bodies are special, but that certain parts are private. Not shameful, just private- these parts are simply too special to go around showing everybody. They're for yourself and for your spouse/partner someday.


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## mommy68

Quote:


Originally Posted by *txgal* 
At 11, it seems that he should have some awareness of social norms, and like it or not walking around and showing off your erection is not a social norm.

I agree. We have had talks with our son about what is appropriate and what is not for years now. He wouldn't have done this age age 11. I would have been extremely taken aback if he would have. But maybe my son is just more mature for his age, I dunno.


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## LotusBirthMama

my son is ten and i could totally see him doing the same thing. he's immature (socially) for his age. i think it has to do w/ homeschooling him the last year. when his schooled buddies come over they seem so much more "manly" to me. OP, i think you handled it very well! I hope I can do as good a job.


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## NatureEdenMom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *jdedmom*
> 
> Last night we pulled into our driveway after DS(11) baseball game. He gets out of the car and says look mom. I look to see him pointing to his obvious erection. He was smiling....proud I think
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I laughed and told him to show his dad. Dad laughed. I told my son (not shaming) that he should not point that out to girls or boys either. He asked why I laughed then. I said it was because I was surprised.
> 
> Surprised is an understatement. I was caught in a parenting moment that I was really unsure how to handle. I told DH that he should discuss this with DS. DS is not modest about his body but he is at the age where some things need to be private and we are gently trying to teach him this. I worry though that he is this relaxed and unihibited when we are not around. How do I teach him appropriateness without shaming?


HI MOM I am a single mom of 6 boys and a health professional.(,teaching yoga ,sports,organic garden,herbs,vegan nutrition,,meditation. and lactation consultant. )

..We live on private property in the tropics with home-school,yoga sports,plays ,music. My oldest are 11 tr. old twin boys, ( nearly 12.)... and as it is warm here all year round,there is no possible need for clothing.It is difficult for me to understand why the up-roar over a totally NATURAL occurance.A boy need not be deemed as 'strange',or off balance,,by anyone, just because he has an erection............(..that can be caused by the wind ,or for no reason at all.)

Here ,you see such every day.,playing,climbing to tree-houses,etc. ,

....It is Like some moms have said, "it is best not to shame him ,or make him feel guilty" ( for something that is NOT "bad" at all....................)

~~~Now ,of course ,in the context of society ,one does have to teach their children to keep one's body private from the public. In our case here ,our friends who visit ,live the same way we do .....,so it's a very different world here......as opposed to living in the general society.Just give him the love,affection ,attention and the understanding that all children need.


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## jmarroq

I am curious about what kind of red flag we are talking about here, only because I am in the same situation. From my point of view, I have to agree that it is an innocence thing. I had a hard time grasping the concept of sex, until I read a few lines of an adult book I found at my house. Then a friend showed me "Playboy Chanel" and it all made sense. Before that, I thought I could get pregnant as a child, by sitting on someone's lap! My son is a lot like me...he has a hard time grasping certain concepts, and he also had developmental delays.

My son is also 11 and I am pretty certain he has never read or seen anything remotely erotic. My husband had a "talk" with him about the birds and bees and they sent home a health ed thing that we read, mostly together. The last part was a bit detailed and I asked if he would rather read it himself, (thinking it might be embarrassing for him) and he said "no, that's fine, keep reading". As I was reading he stopped me and said "yeah, I think I'll read the rest myself". I was right there, so I know he read it.

My son doesn't have many friends outside of school, and he doesn't have an older brother, or any male cousins his age who live nearby, so I feel he is a bit innocent in this area. One night, his sister and I were having a family game night. It was a fun game and everyone was getting wild toward the end, as usual. He decided to let part of his privates hang out of his shorts to see if anyone would notice...kind of like a silly joke...trying to gross us out or something. Not that we ever say privates are gross or something to be embarrassed about, but kids learn that from friends, TV, etc. I was surprised that he would still think this was OK in front of his mother and sister....two female relatives. I just basically said "I don't need to see that. I don't think that is funny at all. Don't do that", making sure not to laugh, fearing it would encourage him to do it again (he likes to be a clown). I obviously need to talk to him and explain that he shouldn't expose himself to people, even people he feels comfortable joking around with.


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## salr

He sounds like a sweet, funny, open kid. If you feel the need to talk more about it maybe you could say Hey remember yesterday when that happened? If it happens in public here are some ways you can handle it (I don't know- keep sitting, put something in front of it, hold it down through your pocket).


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## NatureEdenMom

quote=jmarroq;17591832]I am curious about what kind of red flag we are talking about here, only because I am in the same situation. From my point of view, I have to agree that it is an innocence thing. I had a hard time grasping the concept of sex, until I read a few lines of an adult book I found at my house. Then a friend showed me "Playboy Chanel" and it all made sense. Before that, I thought I could get pregnant as a child, by sitting on someone's lap! My son is a lot like me...he has a hard time grasping certain concepts, and he also had developmental delays.

My son is also 11 and I am pretty certain he has never read or seen anything remotely erotic. My husband had a "talk" with him about the birds and bees and they sent home a health ed thing that we read, mostly together. The last part was a bit detailed and I asked if he would rather read it himself, (thinking it might be embarrassing for him) and he said "no, that's fine, keep reading". As I was reading he stopped me and said "yeah, I think I'll read the rest myself". I was right there, so I know he read it.

My son doesn't have many friends outside of school, and he doesn't have an older brother, or any male cousins his age who live nearby, so I feel he is a bit innocent in this area. One night, his sister and I were having a family game night. It was a fun game and everyone was getting wild toward the end, as usual. He decided to let part of his privates hang out of his shorts to see if anyone would notice...kind of like a silly joke...trying to gross us out or something. Not that we ever say privates are gross or something to be embarrassed about, but kids learn that from friends, TV, etc. I was surprised that he would still think this was OK in front of his mother and sister....two female relatives. I just basically said "I don't need to see that. I don't think that is funny at all. Don't do that", making sure not to laugh, fearing it would encourage him to do it again (he likes to be a clown). I obviously need to talk to him and explain that he shouldn't expose himself to people, even people he feels comfortable joking around with. [/quote].
~~~.I AGREE WITH SAIR. this is also for ( jdedmom as well }.well ,I am a mom of several boys to nearly 12.....now,in many societies out-side Europe, kids are raised to feel that their body is shameful,nasty and horrid
.Now,in the privacy of our own home,my kids are not forced to wear clothing.....they tell me that they are not comfortable clothed, Many children who get the notion that certain body parts are unacceptable,even in the home,become with an O.C.D. and feel the compulsion to show these parts.....and at puberty,masturbate very excessively.So try and set up a new and freer environment and paradigm...and tell them that there is nothing wrong ,or bad,about the human body. including erections which all boys have and are natural..but one cannot show certain parts in public.Try letting them go nude in the home when there are no visitors...I think that you may find him unburdened of acute anxiety.shame, and guilt,


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## jmarroq

NatureEdenMom said:


> quote=jmarroq;17591832]I am curious about what kind of red flag we are talking about here, only because I am in the same situation. From my point of view, I have to agree that it is an innocence thing. I had a hard time grasping the concept of sex, until I read a few lines of an adult book I found at my house. Then a friend showed me "Playboy Chanel" and it all made sense. Before that, I thought I could get pregnant as a child, by sitting on someone's lap! My son is a lot like me...he has a hard time grasping certain concepts, and he also had developmental delays.
> 
> My son is also 11 and I am pretty certain he has never read or seen anything remotely erotic. My husband had a "talk" with him about the birds and bees and they sent home a health ed thing that we read, mostly together. The last part was a bit detailed and I asked if he would rather read it himself, (thinking it might be embarrassing for him) and he said "no, that's fine, keep reading". As I was reading he stopped me and said "yeah, I think I'll read the rest myself". I was right there, so I know he read it.
> 
> My son doesn't have many friends outside of school, and he doesn't have an older brother, or any male cousins his age who live nearby, so I feel he is a bit innocent in this area. One night, his sister and I were having a family game night. It was a fun game and everyone was getting wild toward the end, as usual. He decided to let part of his privates hang out of his shorts to see if anyone would notice...kind of like a silly joke...trying to gross us out or something. Not that we ever say privates are gross or something to be embarrassed about, but kids learn that from friends, TV, etc. I was surprised that he would still think this was OK in front of his mother and sister....two female relatives. I just basically said "I don't need to see that. I don't think that is funny at all. Don't do that", making sure not to laugh, fearing it would encourage him to do it again (he likes to be a clown). I obviously need to talk to him and explain that he shouldn't expose himself to people, even people he feels comfortable joking around with.


.
~~~.I AGREE WITH SAIR. this is also for ( jdedmom as well }.well ,I am a mom of several boys to nearly 12.....now,in many societies out-side Europe, kids are raised to feel that their body is shameful,nasty and horrid
.Now,in the privacy of our own home,my kids are not forced to wear clothing.....they tell me that they are not comfortable clothed, Many children who get the notion that certain body parts are unacceptable,even in the home,become with an O.C.D. and feel the compulsion to show these parts.....and at puberty,masturbate very excessively.So try and set up a new and freer environment and paradigm...and tell them that there is nothing wrong ,or bad,about the human body. including erections which all boys have and are natural..but one cannot show certain parts in public.Try letting them go nude in the home when there are no visitors...I think that you may find him unburdened of acute anxiety.shame, and guilt,[/QUOTE]

I should elaborate that a lot of kids come and go from our home, as well as people who work at our home. I have had more than one incident with 2 different neighborhood kids acting out in sexual ways toward my daughter when they were clothed and I think if my kids were nude when they came over, it would only make things worse. I see where you are coming from, as my mom is from Europe, but with our past experience with the local kids, and the huge number of child sex abusers out there (our pool guy is really nice, but I don't want him seeing my kids naked, just in case..he actually has by accident) I just want them to get used to having clothing on. When they were younger, I was more laid back about it, but my son is going into 6th grade now.

The OP talks about her son randomly showing her an erection...I thought my incident was similar when my son jokingly exposed himself, and I could relate to her feelings. I never told my son that his body is bad or it is bad to be naked, and I don't believe OP did either. I just want my kids to understand that they shouldn't randomly expose themselves to people as a joke.


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## jmarroq

NatureEdenMom said:


> quote=jmarroq;17591832]I am curious about what kind of red flag we are talking about here, only because I am in the same situation. From my point of view, I have to agree that it is an innocence thing. I had a hard time grasping the concept of sex, until I read a few lines of an adult book I found at my house. Then a friend showed me "Playboy Chanel" and it all made sense. Before that, I thought I could get pregnant as a child, by sitting on someone's lap! My son is a lot like me...he has a hard time grasping certain concepts, and he also had developmental delays.
> 
> My son is also 11 and I am pretty certain he has never read or seen anything remotely erotic. My husband had a "talk" with him about the birds and bees and they sent home a health ed thing that we read, mostly together. The last part was a bit detailed and I asked if he would rather read it himself, (thinking it might be embarrassing for him) and he said "no, that's fine, keep reading". As I was reading he stopped me and said "yeah, I think I'll read the rest myself". I was right there, so I know he read it.
> 
> My son doesn't have many friends outside of school, and he doesn't have an older brother, or any male cousins his age who live nearby, so I feel he is a bit innocent in this area. One night, his sister and I were having a family game night. It was a fun game and everyone was getting wild toward the end, as usual. He decided to let part of his privates hang out of his shorts to see if anyone would notice...kind of like a silly joke...trying to gross us out or something. Not that we ever say privates are gross or something to be embarrassed about, but kids learn that from friends, TV, etc. I was surprised that he would still think this was OK in front of his mother and sister....two female relatives. I just basically said "I don't need to see that. I don't think that is funny at all. Don't do that", making sure not to laugh, fearing it would encourage him to do it again (he likes to be a clown). I obviously need to talk to him and explain that he shouldn't expose himself to people, even people he feels comfortable joking around with.


.
~~~.I AGREE WITH SAIR. this is also for ( jdedmom as well }.well ,I am a mom of several boys to nearly 12.....now,in many societies out-side Europe, kids are raised to feel that their body is shameful,nasty and horrid
.Now,in the privacy of our own home,my kids are not forced to wear clothing.....they tell me that they are not comfortable clothed, Many children who get the notion that certain body parts are unacceptable,even in the home,become with an O.C.D. and feel the compulsion to show these parts.....and at puberty,masturbate very excessively.So try and set up a new and freer environment and paradigm...and tell them that there is nothing wrong ,or bad,about the human body. including erections which all boys have and are natural..but one cannot show certain parts in public.Try letting them go nude in the home when there are no visitors...I think that you may find him unburdened of acute anxiety.shame, and guilt,[/QUOTE]

Can you give a link to the study about the OCD caused by parents asking kids to wear clothes, even at home? And the study about excessive masterbating caused by parents who chose to wear clothes at home?


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## sillysapling

Honestly, I don't think that it does happen when parents use healthy behavior. Parents who instill a deep sense of shame very likely _do_ cause such problems, but they could cause those problems by _forcing_ a child to go naked just as well. Just wearing clothes in the house while teaching your child (and modeling) healthy body image isn't likely to. There are a few religions that teach people to cover up most of their bodies, and I've spoken to and read the experiences of teenagers and adults from those religions and while some rebel against it, most of the ones I've talked to respect it and have a very healthy body image- they just find their body to be deeply personal and only to be shared with those they truly deem worthy. No judgement on either side of the spectrum, I'm just pointing out that you can teach great modesty in a healthy way just as much as allowing children to go around the house naked can be done healthily.

Most kids naturally reach a point where they don't want to be naked around their parents and don't want to see their parents naked, even if their parents never encourage it. There are some families that are nudists, and that can work very well for them. For kids who naturally do continue to want to be naked, I would allow them in appropriate places, but "only in your room" isn't an unreasonable boundary if having your teen walk around naked just isn't okay with you. I wouldn't go naked, though, because that's _my_ boundary- but I see no problem going topless in my own home, especially in the heat of the summer and I _refuse _to teach any daughter I have that her body is somehow more shameful than mine just because she has breasts. Its important to teach kids to respect their own boundaries, going naked when you aren't comfortable doing so sends a bad message. There are some places that you should push your boundaries (if you aren't comfortable talking about sex with your kid at all, you need to push that boundary), but I don't think going naked when it makes you uncomfortable is one of them.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow

jdedmom said:


> Oh my....this came out soo wrong.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I do talk to my son about sex, puberty, girls; all that good stuff. He has had a sex ed class this year and also has a couple books on puberty. I am not uncomfortable about discussing the subject but I think a line should be drawn between a mom and son. I explained normal body functions happen but I'm trying to tell him gently that I don't "need" to know *when* he has an erection, is masterbating, having wet dreams etc. You know "the details".


If I drew this line, my ds would still know pretty much nothing at all about sex and sexuality. I was listening to my dh give him the "talk" from the other room. I had to cover my mouth because I was afraid I was going to burst out laughing. I believe the first line was, "Well, sex is, umm, sex is for, ummm, making people." It only got less informative after that. LOL

I had a long talk with him the next day and I got him a book so that he could read and have a lof his questions answered if he wasn't sure he wanted to talk to me or his dad. I can't at the moment remember the name of it, but I know it was suggested by someone here. He does come to me with questions and I'd like to actually encourage that relationship, not draw lines around it.


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## KimPossible129

I am a mother to one teen-aged girl, so from that perspective I cannot speak to boys. I am also a pediatric nurse with a graduate degree, and have quite an interest in adolescents and body image. 

A boy of 11 is not the same as a girl of 11. Boys of that age are often immature- physically, emotionally and developmentally. Even some 11 year old girls are at that age, but by and large, girls mature faster in all aspects. However, the whole erection phenomena is happening WAY before most boys can emotionally handle it. 

As with any behavior that parents deem inappropriate, the more attention you draw to it, the more the child will do it. Like when a toddler curses and everyone laughs (we all know the child will continue to do it to elicit the response). (Keeping in mind this thread is 7 years old and the child in question is 18 by now) I don't think we need to call in a psych consult or child services at the first mention of the erection.

Speaking to the OPs concern about setting personal physical boundaries, I am in agreement with her. My 14-year old has been very private about her body for at least 3 years now, even in front of me (like if we are in a fitting room and she is changing in front of me). She was not always like this though- I had to teach her about what was "private". Once I made that clear, she "grew up" in that way.

I also believe there needs to be limits set between opposite genders- both ways. There seems to be a double standard on this, that some moms feel they don't have to set limits for their sons, but if a young girl parades around indecent in front of their father, it is wrong. The same thing goes for public restrooms (I'm sorry but a 10-year-old boy does not belong with me in the ladies room). In an ideal world (which I know doesn't exist), areas concerning toileting, body parts, hormones and birth control should be addressed by an adult of the same gender (I repeat- I know it's not always possible). As the child grows older, there should be an innate sense of discomfort in showing or discussing these issues with a parent of the opposite gender. 

To the person who spoke about being freely naked- that just doesn't work in the US. Not socially acceptable.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow

I believe in letting the child take the lead on what they are comfortable. I would never want one of my son's to feel like the couldn't talk to me about something because I'm a woman.

I actually think putting up artificial barriers like that is much more about the parents being uncomfortable with sexuality, which often leads to their children being equally uncomfortable with it. I also believe setting up these barriers are part of the reason that there are so many gender stereotypes and one of the reasons men and women often don't "get" the opposite sex.


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## Viola P

Where I am 12 is the age for criminal responsibility. Just something else to keep in mind...there's a practical aspect to this as well. Like what if in a few months he showed it to a younger child who told the mother who....not to be too alarming but there are pitential serious consequences.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow

Viola P said:


> Where I am 12 is the age for criminal responsibility. Just something else to keep in mind...there's a practical aspect to this as well. Like what if in a few months he showed it to a younger child who told the mother who....not to be too alarming but there are pitential serious consequences.


This is really good to keep in mind!


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## QueenOfTheMeadow

Viola P said:


> Where I am 12 is the age for criminal responsibility. Just something else to keep in mind...there's a practical aspect to this as well. Like what if in a few months he showed it to a younger child who told the mother who....not to be too alarming but there are pitential serious consequences.


This is really good to keep in mind!


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## velcromom

I know this is an old OP but I am sort of befuddled by the uproar lol. I have an 11yr old son who has a streak of prankster in him and it would not surprise me in the least for him to joke about something like this or say "hey look at that lol ahahaha" while at home with family. I know he doesn't do that kind of thing inappropriately for example at school or friend's houses, so it would be just meant as a goofy little prank to play in a situation he knows nobody will freak out. Why would we, he frequently hears conversation about sexual parts, behavior, hygiene etc. as part of casual conversation. I wouldn't give it a second thought other than a roll of the eyes and a chuckle. Like a pp said, the more attention you give a behavior the more they'll do it!


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## NatureEdenMom

*Erections in boys*

0ARE VERY NATURAL AND NORMAL... i am a young single nursing mom raising aa 7 of my boys nude and natural in nature, 24-7 as we nudist mothers here home-school,,so we see a lot of erections,,as they play ,just walk around ,and they told we moms that they feel good that way and love it when them oms see it and approve/ They almost always have them ..when nursing ( usually nurse 2 at a time to save time,,) ~~we just tell them.of the erections! ~~ "how wonderful,sweet and cute !! so glad you are all so happy !!..".it is just a fact that little boys love to be erect and trust that mom especially notices , shows complete approval to something so natural..and gives a good feedback,and lets them know that their bodies are beautiful NOT nasty...so they do not learn shame and guilt


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