# 5 year old says rude, hurtful things



## mamapenguin (Jun 6, 2012)

My daughter has just turned 5 years old. She goes to preschool 2 afternoons a week, but other than that I am with her. She is definitely a "spirited" child, constantly seeks interaction, and has very strong reactions. She can be remarkably sweet and co-operative, but can also be angry, and when she gets into that state tends to rage for a long time. She is also highly verbal and can really tear into people (mostly her father and I, but also her grandma and one of her friends). Recently, she has started saying rude and hurtful things much more often. Sometimes it is when she is angry - for example if some inanimate object doesn't bend to her will, she will blame me and start yelling and name-calling. Other times, I am not aware of any trigger - for example, we were on the floor playing with her Playmobil this morning, and out of the blue she very calmly said, "Mama, I have made an important decision. I don't love you any more". I imagine that she is doing this to push boundaries and get a reaction. I don't understand why she feels the need to do this to get my attention, since I already spend so much time doing things with her - I generally feel like we're very connected. 
I am trying to decide how to react to this. I have said over and over again that it is fine to have angry feelings, but that we all need to find ways to work through our angry feelings without saying hurtful things. When she is angry, I usually stay with her, although I sometimes put her in her room, say "sometimes angry bodies need time alone", and invite her to come find me when she can talk in a way that is not rude and hurtful. 
Anyhow, I guess I'm just hoping to find some suggestions about how to deal with this behaviour. She is so very different from me temperamentally, and it is just difficult for me to understand where she is coming from. She has said things to me that I would never have said to my parents - even as a teenager! Any advice would be much appreciated.


----------



## Ruralmama (Oct 30, 2014)

Those are some strong words mama. I can see why you would be taken back. I am guessing that she doesn't really fully understand their impact, especially at age 5. It sounds like you have a LO with a strong will and lots of verbal skills. Here is a pod cast that might be of help it is entitled "Loving Your Kids for Who they are at 5". Keep being the loving, consistent mom that you are. She is learning and growing and will appreciate you someday! Hugs! - Cookin'Quiltin


----------



## sazza-w (Jan 14, 2015)

My daughter sometimes says things similar to that but not in an angry way, more of a cheeky way to see how far she can push it. I explain to her that its not very nice and explain that I am upset and ask her how she would feel if I said those things to her, then ask her to think about it for 5 minutes. more often than not i get an apology and a hug, I think its starting to phase out now, she doesnt seem to be doing it much anymore. maybe you could try a similar approach?

hope you get to solve it! x


----------



## behaviourmama (Sep 4, 2010)

My youngest is like this. At 2 she would say "poopy mommy" and now at 3 she says "stoop mommy" (her way of saying stupid without fully breaking the rules). I expect her to continue to say more elaborate things when she's older. I think you're doing the right thing by validating her feelings and telling her to express herself differently. I do this with my DD as well. I think there are some developmental links to the severity of emotional outbursts.. As she ages hopefully some of her other skills will help temper her, well.. Temper  I think keep on modeling for her what she can say when she's angry. I'll bet you find differences between the way she talks to you and to her daycare providers. If so, this is a cue that she can keep things in check when needed. Unfortunately, moms usually get the worst of things. But if she can keep it together for others, then I think She will for you too, in time.


----------



## jayneeann (Nov 3, 2014)

I think you are handling this very well. Im not sure what I would do in a similar situation. However, my boyfriend's daughter is much the same as yours. I can tell you how he's been handling it. 

If he were in your situation, when his daughter said something like "I dont love you anymore." He would have a talk with her saying that she has said a hurtful thing. That she has hurt his feelings, and made him feel badly. Then he says "because my feelings are hurt, I don't wish to play with you anymore." and he would stop playing with her down on the floor. He will walk away and go into the other room.

Usually, this sparks something in his daughter that upsets her. She wants to be able to say whatever she wants, but often she doesn't realize the consequences of saying those things. So, once she realizes what the consequences are, and that she doesn't like it... she will come and apologize to him about it. They will talk about what she said wrong, and then they can go back to playing. 

Kids want to push boundaries and feel in charge but they also need to know that they are responsible for the outcomes of their actions. 
If they are rude or mean to their friends, they wont have friends for very long... etc.


----------



## mamapenguin (Jun 6, 2012)

Thanks for the suggestions and support! I'm finding it very difficult to navigate the path of letting my child express herself, hopefully teach her appropriate ways to deal with strong emotions, and come out of it without feeling like I've been steamrolled. She has just turned 5, and I really hope things even out a bit this year because 4 had some seriously rough patches!


----------



## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

When your child says hurtful things I would take a moment to sit them to the side and talk to them about feelings and tell them they are hurting your feelings. I have to do that with my 5 yr old sometimes. She is in a preschool a few days a week too and the kids say hurtful things to one another and she brings that stuff home with her. I've been through it with all of my children to a certain degree between the ages of 3-6. I think a lot of times they don't know what they are saying, depending on their age and maturity level but it's just something they picked up on or heard somewhere else. 

I actually used to hate it when little preschool shows would come on and the topic of the episode was sharing or talking mean and they would have little characters doing the mean part and then other ones doing the correcting part and the outcome would be a good one of course, but when children are 2 and 3 years old, or whatever age, they will see something and make of it what they want to make of it. So even things that are intended to be good can sometimes bring about bad actions from a child that age.


----------



## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

mamapenguin said:


> Thanks for the suggestions and support! I'm finding it very difficult to navigate the path of letting my child express herself, hopefully teach her appropriate ways to deal with strong emotions, and come out of it without feeling like I've been steamrolled. She has just turned 5, and I really hope things even out a bit this year because 4 had some seriously rough patches!


For all of my children the year they turned 5 had a lot of changes in it. You will start to see your child mature in a lot of ways this year.


----------



## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

We have had this kind of problem too. My partner uses the same approach as Jaynee Ann's, and it doesn't work very well on our son. I think there are two reasons: (1) It is totally about the parent's feelings, not even acknowledging that the child HAS any feelings, let alone identifying or discussing those feelings, and (2) It involves abandoning the child, which for our son is very upsetting; he really likes to be with people all the time, and he often refuses to accept it if the only person with him wants to leave; he will follow and escalate the conflict.

What works for me is saying, "Oh! I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you very much. Why did you decide to stop loving me?" (The "why" is only if it isn't immediately obvious--if he makes a hurtful comment when he's angry about what I just said/did, that's "why".) Instead of throwing a fit about my hurt feelings, I just act sad and concerned. This often gets him to explain what he's feeling, and then after a while, I can say, "So the real problem is that you're upset that you missed the TV show. It's okay to be mad about that. You're mad that I didn't get us home in time, so you said you don't love me anymore. That hurt my feelings." At that point I am far more likely to get an apology.


----------

