# wwyd - pedophile and DD



## yukookoo (Sep 23, 2007)

Said person abused me as a child. Not out right no physical, skin contact really just sexual gestures, groping someone else while looking at me, making kissy faces while no one is looking, "accidentally" rubbing against me, umm saying making inappropriate comments, inappropriate touching that was not out right in other ways. Hard to explain. As a child made me uncomfortable and was very confusing.

Said has no relationship with me. We do not talk past hello. I say nothing to him he says nothing to me most of the time.

Now that i have DD, said person has all the sudden shown interest in coming over and having a relationship with DD. I took this positively.

Over the past few visits (once a week with me and 1 other person present) said person has done a few things that boarder inappropriate.

Last night said person was here, after the visit dh straight up asked me is said person a pedophile. I had a breakdown. These are things I have stuffed down so far and never ever talk or think about. I never realized that's what it was. But it made complete sense all the sudden years and years of memories are haunting me and things are all coming together like o thats what this was and thats what that was. Dh says he did not see anything really outright inappropriate. Dh obviously knows there is a history but not anything about it as i refuse to talk about.

I am really confused. I don't want to hurt anyone or isolate anyone. I am a very overprotective parent, dont trust anyone with DD. I have never left her. (only 17 mo) and dont plan on it anytime soon with anyone but dh and even then I am concerned about her well being and stressed out about it .

Maybe said person really loves dd and wants a relationship with her for good reasons? Maybe I am over reacting. Maybe i jsut hated said person for other reasons and imagined the "abuse"

What do I do about DD?

Obviously she will never be alone with him and anytime he has any physical contact with her I will be right next to him ready to take her if anything happens.

I guess my plan is during the weekly visit to be very watchful and at any indication of anything visits are over for good and he is never to enter our home or have any contact with dd again. But then im just looking for stuff. And why wait?

anyway i guess im all over the place....

WWYD? I feel like i am putting DD in a roomw ith a bomb that may or may not go off and why do that? Is the relationship with said person that important to her? If I come out with this info this is even more complicated as it will affect my relationship with other family members and consequently dd's

reread and realize o man this is too hard ok its my step dad and he is coming over with my mom not alone. It's not like he just comes over alone to get close to dd he comes over with my mom on her weekly visits that have been happening since dd was born. DH is not home for these weekly visits.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

If it was me said person would have zero contact with my child. Someone like that cannot be trusted and even if you are right there stuff can happen that you cant take back ie a touch that would make your dd uncomfortable. It just isnt worth the risk.

Both you and your dh are getting bad vibes from this person listen to them. Your post had so many red flags I cant remember them all







the first huge one was what was done to you by this person and the second huge one is the sudden interest in your dd.

Weigh it this way:

The health and wellbeing of your dd vs. family issues with adults. The scales obviously go toward your dd. If grown ups cant handle the situation they can get over it or move on. If something happens to your dd she might never get over it.


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## greeny (Apr 27, 2007)

If I were you, I would permanently cut off all contact with said person and NEVER let him around your dd again, supervised or not. Never.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Keep him away. You will regret it forever if you don't.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

Trust your instincts. If you feel like this person did something wrong to you, you OWE THEM NOTHING, especially contact with your child. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't watch and wait for alarm bells, the whisper you're hearing is enough.

I'm so sorry.


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## akwifeandmomma (Aug 13, 2005)

Said person would not be welcome in my home or life.

Just saw your edit. You need to protect your DD at any cost.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

My opinion, your playing with fire.

You know this person has been inappropriate with children in the past because of you own experience and your gut is telling you it's not a good thing to have him involved in your DD's life.

Having him involved will likely cause more damage then not having him involved.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

Saw the edit. I am so sorry that your sd did what he did.







I stand by my op though your children come first.


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## Staciemao (Feb 15, 2008)

Alright sweetie. I'm going to be pretty blunt here. Please understand that I am not judging you, but I think maybe you're having a hard time seeing this situation clearly and bluntness is called for.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 
Now that i have DD, said person has all the sudden shown interest in coming over and having a relationship with DD. I took this positively.

This person is a predator. No relationship with you until you created another victim? Red flag, Yukookoo. This person wants to be near your daughter so he/she can do the same thing to her that he/she did to you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 
WWYD? I feel like i am putting DD in a roomw ith a bomb that may or may not go off and why do that? Is the relationship with said person that important to her? If I come out with this info this is even more complicated as it will affect my relationship with other family members and consequently dd's

Yup, that's about accurate. By exposing your daughter to this person, you are running the VERY HIGH risk that she will be abused. You don't need to tell everybody in your family everything if you don't want to, but you have an obligation to PROTECT YOUR CHILD. And listen to your hubby...he sounds like an excellent judge of character.

Good luck and


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Okay, I'm going to be straight up honest with you. If you were my mother, and I was molested by someone and I later found out that you had any idea that the guy had those inclinations, I would probably never forgive you. You need to end these visits now. You don't have to tell him why if you don't feel like it. If you don't feel like you're strong enough to stand up to him, I'd bet you a million dollars that your dh will do it for you. Really, you have keep him away from your daughter.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

What he did was inappropriate to you. I would not let him have any part of your childs life. It doesn't matter if it rocks the boat in your family or not. This is your daughters life!


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## delicious (Jun 16, 2003)

no. no visits.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I agree with everyone else, I woudn't even consider any type of relaitionship with said person and would keep them away from my DD at all costs.

why take the chance?!


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## LeighB (Jan 17, 2008)

In my opinion, this person should have no contact with your children. Zero, none at all.


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## TinyMama (Sep 4, 2007)

Nothing would make me knowingly place my DD in the path of a pedophile. Not under any circumstances, despite any and all carefully choreographed barriers between them.

Never, ever, ever.









Protect your child the way you should have been protected.


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## muttmom92 (Mar 20, 2005)

I know it will be uncomfortable considering he is married to your mother, but I would never let that man in my house and he would never be within 10 feet of my children. Like someone else said, you owe him nothing.


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## earthmama369 (Jul 29, 2005)

It's been said, but hey, volume is a good thing. Cut contact. Immediately. Don't feel any regret, no guilt. He's grooming a new generation of victim. No interest until you had a child? You don't owe this person ANY excuses. You don't owe him any guilt. You don't owe him any time. YOU DON'T OWE HIM YOUR DAUGHTER.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

It would be very innapropriate for you as the mother to allow your child to have any contact with this man. My advice as a fellow MDC member would be to explore why you would even allow this in the first place, and why you are not more angered by this...perhapse some counseling. MY ADVICE AS A CPS INVESTIGATIOR is that this is considered neglegent even if the visits have been "supervised". Your obligation is to your child...period. He is grooming you all over again and grooming you- because he knows you haven't said anything. He is GROOMING YOU to have access to your child, and my expert advice is that his behaviors and tendencies have become more physical, sexual, and violent with time. If someone were to report this to someone- YOU would be the one liable. Please please please reconsider the decisions you are making.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 

WWYD? I feel like i am putting DD in a roomw ith a bomb that may or may not go off and why do that? Is the relationship with said person that important to her? If I come out with this info this is even more complicated as it will affect my relationship with other family members and consequently dd's

reread and realize o man this is too hard ok its my step dad and he is coming over with my mom not alone. It's not like he just comes over alone to get close to dd he comes over with my mom on her weekly visits that have been happening since dd was born. DH is not home for these weekly visits.

I posted before this edit. I'm so sorry that it's someone close to your mother - that makes it very, very difficult. But you still need to do it. If you don't do it now, it's going to come up again - what will happen when your dd is older and your mother wants to have her spend the night at grandmas? And your daughter wants to go too? How will you explain this to them?

And if she's seeing him every week, she is going to become comfortable with him - he's someone she will see as safe. Gma's husband, probably thought of as Gpa. He's in your house every week, so of course she will feel like she can trust him and that he's a safe person - and there will come a time that he is able to be alone with her. You won't mean for it to happen, but things happen. And she will trust him, and will likely be as confused as you were when he starts being inappropriate - but she will see him as trustworthy, and perhaps not trust her own instincts. And how can you expect her to, if you aren't trusting your own?

I'm a survivor of sexual abuse myself, so I know how tricky this can all be - and how your own mind can mess with you, and how you can try to minimize things so you can compartmentalize and live with them. What you described in your first post was not someone being a little inappropriate or crude - it was abuse, plain and simple, and an example of someone who clearly has no concept of boundaries between children and adults.


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## yukookoo (Sep 23, 2007)

thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

He will never be seeing DD again.


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## earthmama369 (Jul 29, 2005)

I am so glad to hear that. You're a strong mama, and your daughter will thank you for it.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

PLEASE read the book Protecting the Gift.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 
thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

He will never be seeing DD again.
















:


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## LeftField (Aug 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 
thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

He will never be seeing DD again.

Thank God. I'm so happy to read this update (I just found the thread now). I can't imagine how difficult all of this is for you. You are doing the right thing 100%. You are putting your daughter first and protecting her like you needed to be protected as a child. Awesome job, Mama for keeping him away! You are totally doing the right thing. Your daughter is lucky to have a Mom like you.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo*
thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

He will never be seeing DD again.

Thank the good Lord.


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## GraceBlue (Apr 26, 2007)

I am sorry you are going through this. I agree with everyone else, keep DD far away from him!

I am thinking of you today as you talk to your mom.


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## calebsmommy25 (Aug 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 
thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

He will never be seeing DD again.

Good for you! Stay firm and strong in your choice. I'm sorry you have to even deal with this situation. I'm sending loving and strong thoughts your way. Take care mama, and let us know how it goes.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Good for you!


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

i'm so sorry you are facing this. but i do want to add that obviously you were traumatized by what was not even what you called "out right" abuse. you were victimized by him even when others were in the room...when he just brushed against you suggestively...you have said yourself that it was traumatic...you're making the right decision to cut off all contact with him. you deserved better when you were little, and your daughter deserves better now.


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## yukookoo (Sep 23, 2007)

well spoke to mom, over the internet as I could not do it in person or on the phone









She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter









Well you made your bed... not I.

I guess i can say that if I am wrongfully accusing him or have imagined any abuse that occurred in my past. It is really sad for him, but i am willing to take that risk over the risk of him hurting dd in any way.

I really hope I am doing the right thing. But I care far far more about DD than i do protecting my mom or him.

Thank you so much for the support. DH is also being incredible and supportive, thank god.


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## Tdunahoo (Apr 10, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamalisa* 
Trust your instincts. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't watch and wait for alarm bells, *the whisper you're hearing is enough*.

I'm so sorry.

ITA!!!!! You and DH have a bad feeling for a reason. Trust it.


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## Jennifer3141 (Mar 7, 2004)

You did the right thing, mama!! Good for you!


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 
well spoke to mom, over the internet as I could not do it in person or on the phone









She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter









Well you made your bed... not I.

I guess i can say that if I am wrongfully accusing him or have imagined any abuse that occurred in my past. It is really sad for him, but i am willing to take that risk over the risk of him hurting dd in any way.

I really hope I am doing the right thing. But I care far far more about DD than i do protecting my mom or him.

Thank you so much for the support. DH is also being incredible and supportive, thank god.

You did the right thing. From what you discribed in the OP you were not imagining it, nor are you making it up. Protecting your child is never the wrong thing to do and when you gut tells you there's a problem you listen.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

I imagine that this will be a very difficult conversation with your mother. I hope it goes well. The fact is that he made you feel uncomfortable while growing up many times and he makes you and your husband uncomfortable around your daughter. Your husband obviously noticed some "off" vibes coming from your Stepdad.

You don't owe him anything. I think it's going to make your mother mad or sad, but this is your child. She didn't protect you, but that doesn't mean that you can't protect your own child...and frankly, yourself, from this guy. I hope that your mother agrees with you and supports you. If not, then I feel bad for the new circumstances that will happen from this conversation. It absolutely has to be talked about and dealt with though. Good for you for being assertive in this situation.

I was molested for 9yrs by my step-father and if my mother were still with him, there would be absolutely no contact with her or him. Just the thought of him ever laying eyes on my kids creeps me out. I feel for you. Also, from my own personal experience, I can tell you that you may not remember if he did anything to you. You may have supressed memories that will come up as your daughter ages or under other circumstances. You know what you know, but you may not remember other things. As I've gotten older, supressed memories come back to me and I absolutely cannot believe that I forgot these things. You know he's unsafe and that's enough.









Lisa


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## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

I went through the same with my step-grandfather. He molested me (multiple times) when I was a child. My grandmother knows (although I think she is still in hard-core denial)about this and, while I still keep in touch with her, I will never ever bring my LOs over there. She wants to be hurt or offended, I couldn't care less. I will not put my children in danger.

If you want, please feel free to PM me.

Stay strong, you are absolutely doing the best thing for your child.


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## pokeyrin (Apr 3, 2008)

Please listen to all these other posters and protect your daughter from this predator. There are many things that we remember from our childhood as something "not quite right" and we don't process it until we're adults or we completely forget until something else triggers it. No one wants to believe bad things happened to them when they were a child and it's even harder to believe when the perp is suppose to be a trusted family member or friend.

When I was about 8 years old this family friend temporarily lived with us and there were a few incidnets hat was completely inappropriate, but not outright physical. In fact what you describe sounds almost exactly like what this man did around me: sexual innuendos, being sexual with his girlfriend in front of me, accidentally brushing up against me etc... Now I was never left alone with this man, and yet these incidents happened with people who were around but not necessarily paying attention or thinking anything of it.

Also consider the fact that I was a very mature for my age due to having a chronically ill mother (who I took care of quite a bit) and a father who had shady business dealings and friends. When these incidents happened I knew it wasn't right, but I was still too young to completely understand what was going on and to say anything about it. And frankly I was afraid that the adults in my life wouldn't believe me.

After the third incident I was uncomfortable enough that I just would be a total brat to the guy all the time and so he steered clear of me. Like Jeliphish said about "grooming" I believe this family friend tried to "groom" me into being his victim. He started by testing the waters with me to see how I'd react. And after each incident when I said or did nothing he got bolder until I did reacted in a negative way. But I still never said a word to anyone in my family about it, in fact I completely forgot about it until I was in my twenties when I found out this family friend had passed away.

While I consider myself very lucky that those incidents didn't really affect me, it's still an icky memory that I could do without. In your post all I could see was a bunch of big, bright red flags. Clearly you are uncomfortable, confused and upset at your memories and that's nothing to ignore.

I know it's hard because it's your stepfather, but consider the fact that he's considered a trusted person in your DD's life by others and you really can't guarantee 100% that she'll never, ever be alone with him in the future when no one thinks anything of leaving him alone with your DD other than you and your DH.


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## almama (Mar 22, 2003)

Hooray for you keeping him away!







:







:







: It was clear from your original post how much this loser has played with your mind. It is HIS fault, not yours. He still is abusing you by doing these crazy mind games/ power plays. You deserve more and so does your DD.


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## angie7 (Apr 23, 2007)

I haven't read all the replies but just want to say

*NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO* way in hell would this person EVER be allowed around my child with or without me. Feelings aside, you have to do what is best for your dd and that is keeping her as far away from this person as possible.










I just read that you have decided not to let him around your child. Good for you mama! You are absolutely doing the right thing and never let anyone ever tell you different.


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## myfairbabies (Jun 4, 2006)

You described my fil pretty well. He will never be around our children. Ever. And neither one of us has any qualms about it.

ETA: one more thing, please stop thinking you may have imagined it. You didn't. A trusted adult took advantage of his position and none of this is or was your fault in any way. Kids don't make these memories up. And good for you for protecting you dd.


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## pokeyrin (Apr 3, 2008)

Good for you Mama! You are totally doing the right thing by protecting your child. I posted earlier before I saw your update.

Forgive me here, but am I reading your update right?? When you say she did not seem surprised, did you mean she wasn't surprised about what you had to say? Because if she's not angrily denying anything you said and still guilt tripping you then there is seriously wrong with her. If that's the case, I'd never leave my child alone with her either.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 
well spoke to mom, over the internet as I could not do it in person or on the phone









She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter









Well you made your bed... not I.

I guess i can say that if I am wrongfully accusing him or have imagined any abuse that occurred in my past. It is really sad for him, but i am willing to take that risk over the risk of him hurting dd in any way.

I really hope I am doing the right thing. But I care far far more about DD than i do protecting my mom or him.

Thank you so much for the support. DH is also being incredible and supportive, thank god.


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## Maluhia (Jun 24, 2007)

I'm SO PROUD OF YOU for taking the step to get this pedophile out of your life. Your DD will grow up safe and that is the most important thing out of it all.


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## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

Thank you so much for choosing to protect your daughter!! I was so relieved when I read your update.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

This person did things that made you uncomfortable while other people were there right?

This person had no interest in you until you had a DAUGHTER right?

This person would be banned from my home. This person would be told straight up "You groped me as a child, and I will not let you do this to my child. I have decided that you will have no more contact with my daughter. Your visits will have to stop."

You MUST read "Protecting the Gift". Predators prey on the fact that you "don't want to exclude anyone" or seem rude.

If you don't protect your daughter from this person, you're doing her a great disservice. If your dh has noticed, it's time for it to stop NOW.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

My previous post was 1/2 written, and then I got interrupted and came back. I'm glad you had the conversation (even if by e-mail) with your mom.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 
I really hope I am doing the right thing. But I care far far more about DD than i do protecting my mom or him.

Thank you so much for the support. DH is also being incredible and supportive, thank god.

Yes, this was the right thing. TRUST your gut.

Physical infirmity doesn't stop someone from being a pedophile. You didn't imagine it in the past, you've just buried it. A child can tell what's inappropriate.

the only other thing I can recommend is that you look into some counseling for yourself so that you can make sense of what happened when you were a child and then get some good strategies for dealing with the rest of the family.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 

WWYD? I feel like i am putting DD in a roomw ith a bomb that may or may not go off and why do that? Is the relationship with said person that important to her? If I come out with this info this is even more complicated as it will affect my relationship with other family members and consequently dd's

reread and realize o man this is too hard ok its my step dad and he is coming over with my mom not alone. It's not like he just comes over alone to get close to dd he comes over with my mom on her weekly visits that have been happening since dd was born. DH is not home for these weekly visits.

Hugs mama. I know how this feels - it happened to me and even after taking my abuser to court I'm filled with self-doubt.

Pedophiles/abusers count on us doubting ourselves and our instincts. He'll count on your good nature and willingness to believe that his intentions are good. If this hurts and these pent up memories are causing you stress this is not someone who should even be in your life. He's stealing your trust and possibly even counting on the fact that you've forgotten/misinterpreted his actions from the past. You DO remember, those things WERE wrong and I'm sorry, but I don't believe that people with this sickness can change without intervention.

You have a generous heart, I commend you for that. IMHO, this person should be phased out of your life - not allowed back in. It's those subtleties that don't have an outright appearance of impropriety that can leave scars for a lifetime. As they have already for you and I know they have for me.

HUGS, and please think about seeing a counsellor about this to finally process those feelings. It's amazing the damage they do when they sit there unprocessed.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I'm so glad you are cutting contact. (I only read that far.)

One possible reason this shook out the way it did is that the hurt child in you a) still fears the shame of the interactions with this person and b) is kind of trying to "make it be all right" (magical thinking) by rewriting history by thinking things like "he wouldn't do anything TO HER" and c) thinking that it was just her/you who was "abuse-worthy." ALL of those scripts are very very understandable, but not a good way to take care of your child.

Good for you for speaking up.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 
well spoke to mom, over the internet as I could not do it in person or on the phone









She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter









Well you made your bed... not I.

I guess i can say that if I am wrongfully accusing him or have imagined any abuse that occurred in my past. It is really sad for him, but i am willing to take that risk over the risk of him hurting dd in any way.

I really hope I am doing the right thing. But I care far far more about DD than i do protecting my mom or him.

Thank you so much for the support. DH is also being incredible and supportive, thank god.

You haven't imagined anything mama. You are doing the right thing and are so very courageous. Yes, he may be sick, yes he may be losing his sight. But what he hasn't lost is his past, the things he did, the fact that he took advantage of you and may have even sought out your mother in order to victimize you. This man is an evil man, now an old sick evil man.


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## kittibgud (Dec 23, 2008)

Don't let him prey on your good heart and nature any longer. You are doing the right thing getting him out of you life and your daughter's life. Share it all with dh and help him to help you protect yourself and your daughter. You ARE strong enough, you must be, for the sake of your little baby!! I am so proud of you!!


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## pacificbliss (Jun 17, 2006)

That is tough and scary. You're doing the right thing.


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## bobchee (Nov 15, 2008)

Run away...do not let this person near your dd.


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## calebsmommy25 (Aug 23, 2008)

Good for you Mama! So proud of you for standing up. You are doing the right thing protecting your baby and yourself.


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## cotopaxi (Sep 17, 2007)

You are doing the right thing. Good for you. I hate that anyone would have to go through this - it must be so hard to confront your mother. Your dd is lucky to have you to stand up for her and protect her. You are SO doing the right hting.


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## angelandmisha (May 16, 2008)

Yukookoo, first, I'm so sorry you had to go through that as a child and are having to deal with it again. Second, good for you for standing up and putting a stop to any opportunity for your daughter to be hurt by him. I totally agree with all the other posters. I especially agree with the suggestion for you to read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker. It is a must read for every parent and above all implores you to trust your instincts, like you and your dh are.

Curious that your dh would ask if the guy is a pedophile from these visits- your dh is very perceptive and great for protecting you and your daughter. And was your mom not surprised at the idea that her husband did these things to you? I'm sorry to hear that, that must make it even harder to deal with and make sense of what happened to you as a child. I do think you and your daughter could benefit from you going to some counseling.

Good for you for protecting your daughter.


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## jp79 (Aug 5, 2006)

Trust your instincts, Mama. You are doing the right thing. Keep this person away from your DD. ((hugs))


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

You rock, mama! Don't ever second guess this choice.


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## MrsAprilMay (Jul 7, 2007)

You made the right choice, mama.


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## 5796 (Oct 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 
thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

*He will never be seeing DD again*.


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## carmel23 (Jul 21, 2006)

I just wanted to say that you are doing the right thing. And that this man should have no contact with your daughter. I would consider not having your mom watch her alone either (not that your mom would hurt her or anything, but then this person might have access to your dd if your mom "feels sorry" for this man).

You need to be blunt with your mom and tell her why, and not budge. You are really doing the best thing to protect your little girl. Good mama.


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## muttmom92 (Mar 20, 2005)

Good for you for being so strong. Don't second guess yourself. Not that you should need any other validation that what he did to you was abuse, but look at your DH and your mom's reaction. Your DH picked up that this guy us creepy before you even told him anything. Your mother wasn't surprised when you told her! DOn't let her guilt trip you. She should be the one that feels guilty if she knew this was going on and did nothing to protect you.


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## Suzmama (Nov 24, 2006)

Good for you Strong Mama!

I would add the suggestion that you see a therapist for YOU...what you describe is abuse and you deserve to have professional support to deal with your feelings, as well as the fallout from the present situation.


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## happy1nluv (Apr 1, 2005)

HUGS!!! i see you've already gotten great advice, but I just wanted to say that its great that you have the courage to step up and protect your dd!!! I can't imagine how hard it will be to do, but you're dd is LUCKY to have a mom that will protect her!!! HUGS!!!


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## Staciemao (Feb 15, 2008)

You are wonderful, Yukookoo! What an amazing mama your baby has...I got tears in my eyes just reading your post and am sooooooooo very proud of you! BIG


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

Quote:

She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter
You know, if she knows his inclinations and knows what he has done, and still pushes you to endanger your own daughter--then *she* is the horrible person. That is not a nice thing to think about your own mother, but colluding with evil or excusing evil also falls in the category of evil.









I am glad you are choosing to cut that man off. You are breaking a cycle and doing what's right by your daughter.







It doesn't matter what anyone else says. Even your own mother. You know what he did to you and you saw it happening again with your daughter.


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## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 
I'm so glad you are cutting contact. (I only read that far.)

One possible reason this shook out the way it did is that the hurt child in you a) still fears the shame of the interactions with this person and b) is kind of trying to "make it be all right" (magical thinking) by rewriting history by thinking things like "he wouldn't do anything TO HER" and c) thinking that it was just her/you who was "abuse-worthy." ALL of those scripts are very very understandable, but not a good way to take care of your child.

Good for you for speaking up.

very wise.

OP-





















a million times








please please go and talk to someone about what happened to you. it is worth getting the help to sort this out it even if it was a long long time ago. you are worth it and your child is worth it. boundary things will keep coming up over and over again in different ways because of what you went through.
take care of yourself.


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## BunnySlippers (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 
thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

He will never be seeing DD again.

I sincerely hope you mean that. You owe him, and anyone who stands by him, NOTHING! You owe your daughter EVERYTHING.







s for finding the strength to deal with this.


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## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

Personally this person would be completely cut out of my life and my dd's life. What they did to you was abuse and I would not give them the chance to do it to my dd. Call me hyper-protective or judgemental or whatever but that is how I feel.


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## holothuroidea (Mar 30, 2008)

What a good mother your daughter has!








I am so glad you chose to take a stand against the cycle of abuse.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 
She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter









This made me vomit. Literally. Does your mom really think it's alright to let this man have his "joy" this way, just because he is sick? If a convicted thief is dying in prision, should we let him out because he only gets joy from stealing from people?

SERIOUSLY there is just SO MUCH wrong with that. Does this man even DESERVE any joy? It makes me so sick to think that this man's only "joy" comes from being around your daughter. That is not healthy for ANYONE. It is not healthy for him, your mother, you and especially your daughter.

If your mother thinks that way, I would seriously consider not allowing her to have time with your daughter either.

ALSO- you did not imagine anything, especially if your mother was not surprised!

*heavy sigh*


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## mclisa (Jul 26, 2004)

It sounds like you know what to do in your heart. Get rid of this person in your life.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so glad you are cutting off your daughter's contact with him for good. You are absolutely 100% without a doubt doing the right thing. I also agree with the poster who suggested that you consider not giving your mom unsupervised contact with your daughter because it sounds like she is both unsurprised but contrary to this, also mad at you for calling out the behavior and protecting your daughter from it. That indicates she's definitely not seeing things clearly, and wouldn't be able to protect your daughter.

I agree with the folks who said that it sounds like there are some old scripts playing in your head that might deserve to be stripped of their power in therapy.

Either way, you did something both brave and important for your daughter today, and I hope you are proud of yourself for this.


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## bellabear (Oct 16, 2007)

I agree with pp's. Keep him out of you and your dd's lives forever. No good will come from any sort of relationship with him.


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## MG01 (Nov 17, 2008)

Just wanted to offer more







and support. I am so glad you have taken the initiative to keep this man away from you and your daughter- I know it is hard, but please don't doubt your intuition and instinct as a mama! You have to put yourself and your daughter first. I am really glad to hear your DH is on board and offering his support.

As others have stated, please do seek out some counseling to discuss what happened to you. By acknowledging that it happened and that it is not ok, it allows you to protect your daughter, but can also open up a whole lot of confusing feelings for you- please get some support and stay strong, you are doing the best thing for your little girl and for you!!


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## hedgehogs4 (Aug 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeliphish* 
It would be very innapropriate for you as the mother to allow your child to have any contact with this man. My advice as a fellow MDC member would be to explore why you would even allow this in the first place, and why you are not more angered by this...perhapse some counseling. MY ADVICE AS A CPS INVESTIGATIOR is that this is considered neglegent even if the visits have been "supervised". Your obligation is to your child...period. He is grooming you all over again and grooming you- because he knows you haven't said anything. He is GROOMING YOU to have access to your child, and my expert advice is that his behaviors and tendencies have become more physical, sexual, and violent with time. If someone were to report this to someone- YOU would be the one liable. Please please please reconsider the decisions you are making.









:


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## Elizabeth2008 (Nov 26, 2008)

I am so sorry for what you are going through and for what happened to you when you were younger. That said, I cannot believe you are even contemplating allowing your daughter to be in the presence of this person, with or without you there, and have in fact already allowed it! Whoever this person is, they should not have access to you or your daughter. Ever. Your most important job in life is to protect her, period! Don't worry about hurting his feelings.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Did your mom know what was happening when you were a kid? Or just found out now via email?

You owe your stepfather NOTHING. Listen to your instincts.

It is not healthy for YOU or your DD to be around this man.

I wouldn't let your mom see your dd outside of your house with both you AND dp home. I worry that she'll try to convince you to let him in the house, or even show up with him - trying to get him in to see your dd. Only let her visit ALONE *and with your dp home*.

And what makes you doubt that what happened happened?


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## MG01 (Nov 17, 2008)

To the two PPs- I know you are responding to the initial post-- However, see OP's update on 12/22/08 in post #20. She states that she has initiated removing all contact with this person and that her husband is being supportive.









OP, I hope everything is going alright and that you have been able to find some support in the midst of all this! Again, I am really happy that you are standing up for yourself and your daughter, however difficult a situation it may be.


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## guest9921 (Nov 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *greeny* 
If I were you, I would permanently cut off all contact with said person and NEVER let him around your dd again, supervised or not. Never.










Another vote for this.


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## doctormom (Nov 11, 2005)

You are such a strong and courageous mama bear to have made the decision to protect your daughter at all costs. This cannot be easy for you.

I hope you will find some healing in the knowledge that you _are_ protecting your daughter, the way your mother _should have_ protected you. What happened to you was tragic and wrong, but you are a real hero for chosing to end the cycle of abuse in your family.









Your mother has demonstrated that she is unable or unwilling to protect children from a known sexual predator (she "wasn't surprised" that her husband was banned from your house for inappropriately touching a child??) and while it may be painful and awkward right now, I'm sure you have realized that you can't allow your mother to have unsupervised visits with DD, either.

As to the perpetrator of the abuse...he doesn't deserve the "joy" of another child to victimize, he deserves to be







in jail where he belongs.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yukookoo* 
well spoke to mom, over the internet as I could not do it in person or on the phone









*She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter







*

Well you made your bed... not I.

I guess i can say that if I am wrongfully accusing him or have imagined any abuse that occurred in my past. *It is really sad for him*, but i am willing to take that risk over the risk of him hurting dd in any way.

I really hope I am doing the right thing. But I care far far more about DD than i do protecting my mom or him.

Thank you so much for the support. DH is also being incredible and supportive, thank god.

Bolding mine. I only got as far as this post, not sure I can go further. This is making me ill. And I think maybe I am totally confused here??? What I read is that your mom is not surprised her friend is a pedophile? So she probably knows how he treated you in the past, and yet she just doesn't care or what? And you are supposed to feel bad for taking the object of his desires, your DD, away from him? WTH??? And then you write that you feel sad - FOR HIM?!!! Please tell me I am reading this wrong, because otherwise this is sick.














If this is true, I wouldn't let my DD, or any child, near this man for any reason whatsoever, and frankly, not my mother either, though if it had to be, then only under completely supervised visits, until my DD was in her mid twenties.

OK, I have just read the last page and it says you have cut off contact to this man. I am sorry if my post seemed so harsh, but I hope you cut him off permanently, and forever. This man has no business around children, at all. And I hope you can get some good counseling, to help you in healing, for yourself.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Yukookoo, it seems like lots of people are responding to your original post. I'm so relieved you've cut off contact and I'm hoping that as time has gone on you've become more sure of your decision and sure of what you went through.

I've been there, I know how easy it is to doubt/blame yourself.

Hope you're keeping the whole family safe and sending lots of







s.


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## Labbemama (May 23, 2008)

I just want to give you big (hugs).

I've worked with a lot of families where there was incest and what your sd did would qualify as that. Check out www.rainn.org for resources and to locate counseling.

Of course this would be hard to deal with. It's a nightmare. (gone thru it with my sister and a relative of ours)

In families where this occurs there is a lie that must be maintained. That the touching is not happening and that everything is ok and normal. To keep it's balance the perpetrator and their partners will pull all kinds of tricks to make the victim feel like they are the crazy one or the bad one.

He is the one responsible here.

Get support. Tell someone. Get Counseling and keep him far, far from your precious dd.

Pedophiles-by nature are proflific abusers who have an irresisitible urge and often really do believe they love children. They may be attracted to one specific age and gender (or not) They are often in relationships with another consenting adult. But anyhow, if he is a "pedophile" it's like putting an addictive substance in front of an addict. Why chance it?

Is your dd the same age you were at the time he abused you? Why the sudden interest? I would be alarmed. It can take awhile for someone to sufficiently "Groom" a child and he may be in that process. If he hasn't gotten help it's unlikely he wouldn't repeat the behavior.

It's understandable though that you've had to make all sorts of concessions to grow up in that family. To whatever extent you can limit his access to you and your dd, I urge you to Get help doing that. You will heal and you don't want to risk your precious child being harmed by this man.


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## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

Good luck talking with mom. You are doing the right thing.


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## Deer Hunter (Sep 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCatLvrMom2A&X* 
If it was me said person would have zero contact with my child. Someone like that cannot be trusted and even if you are right there stuff can happen that you cant take back ie a touch that would make your dd uncomfortable. It just isnt worth the risk.

Both you and your dh are getting bad vibes from this person listen to them. Your post had so many red flags I cant remember them all







the first huge one was what was done to you by this person and the second huge one is the sudden interest in your dd.

Weigh it this way:

The health and wellbeing of your dd vs. family issues with adults. The scales obviously go toward your dd. If grown ups cant handle the situation they can get over it or move on. If something happens to your dd she might never get over it.


I one hundred percent agree. If that person did those things to me when I was small, there is no way I'd allow that one around my child. If it were me, I'd end the contact immediately.

I'm so sorry you had to go through those things growing up. It never should have happened.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
Keep him away. You will regret it forever if you don't.









I agree. You already know how this person is from how you were treated in the past. This person most likely hasn't changed. And for him to all of a sudden start showing interest in your family when you have a DD, ummm...too obvious IMO. Keep away from him.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllisonR* 
Bolding mine. I only got as far as this post, not sure I can go further. This is making me ill. And I think maybe I am totally confused here??? What I read is that your mom is not surprised her friend is a pedophile? So she probably knows how he treated you in the past, and yet she just doesn't care or what? And you are supposed to feel bad for taking the object of his desires, your DD, away from him? WTH??? And then you write that you feel sad - FOR HIM?!!! Please tell me I am reading this wrong, because otherwise this is sick.














If this is true, I wouldn't let my DD, or any child, near this man for any reason whatsoever, and frankly, not my mother either, though if it had to be, then only under completely supervised visits, until my DD was in her mid twenties.

I agree with this somewhat.







I can't believe your mother isn't supporting you on this.







How horrible of her. And you say this man is just a family friend? Thats even more reason not to care if you have contact with him or not. I thought he was blood related.


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## faeriemom (Nov 20, 2001)

The OP's edit in her original post says that the man in question is her stepdad, not a family friend.

BTW, I agree 100% with everyone here who has said to keep your DD away from this guy. And, if your mom is not supportive of your decision, you may want to rethink the relationship with her as well.

Since your talk with your mom, has anything else come up? Any new updates? I hope that things are going well....and that you're still feeling strong and supported in your decision to keep stepdad away from your DD. Good Luck!!!!


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## azmomtoone (Aug 30, 2008)

but based on your statements of his treatment of you as a child, and this:

Quote:

Said has no relationship with me. We do not talk past hello. I say nothing to him he says nothing to me most of the time.

Now that i have DD, said person has all the sudden shown interest in coming over and having a relationship with DD. I took this positively.
I would absolutely not let him in my house or near my daughter, no way no how, no matter who gets angry over it. *(and I am NOT one to normally say 'cut off contact" with relatives when there's a problem) BUT in this instance for your daughters safety you really need to. She needs to come first, you are her mama.....the needs/wants of ANY other family members do not outweigh the rights of the child in a case like this.

If he had nothing to do w/ you before, and suddenly wants to be around 'cause there's a little girl again.....get away, stay away from him!!! It only takes a few seconds for serious harm to be done, and things can happen in your home with you there, you (or they) only need to step out of the room for a second.


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