# Why do store employees DO THIS!!!!!!



## ~LadyBug~ (Aug 14, 2009)

I was at Target this morning trying to get my grandma's OTC medicines straightened out and my 2 and 3 year old were bored and hungry so they were not being the quietest they have ever been. They were whining and the oldest decided she wanted to re-arrange the medicine aisle all while I was trying to talk to the pharmacist. I quietly kept telling her to be still we were leaving in a minute. The whole process took under 10 minutes and after the pharmacist left we were making our way down the aisle when I heard an employee say "Hey girls I have something sweet for ya"







Two Tootsie Pops! I politely told her they were not allowed to have them and began to leave when she asked why. I almost said "Because I am their mother and I said so!" but I didn't want my girls hearing me talking like that so I said "Because they are a choking hazard and I don't allow my children to have sweet processed sugars like that." She looked at me like I was speaking Latin. Now, my girls did not throw a fit wanting the candy but I was still very annoyed. Why do people question stuff like that? Why would they just offer THEM without asking ME first? I know, I know it was to be "nice" and "friendly" and all that garbage, but it just gets to me. Sorry for the rant.


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

To be honest, I'm suprised that you would be offended or upset by that.


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

I really dislike when empoyees or wait staff offer my kids anything without asking me first and certainly when they ask right in front of my kids. Especially sweets and candy. I'm sure their intentions are good but I find it disrespectful.


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## Proudmomoftwinsplusone (Feb 21, 2004)

I'm with ya ladybug. When my boys were about 3 we were doing a lot of errands and someone offered them hard candy. I said no becuase they would hate it and/or choke. She looked at me like i was an idiot. so we took the candy home. one twin spat it out, told me he hated it for about 20 minutes and then the other twin started to choke and i did something close to a hymlick maneveur (sp?) to get it out. Mommy knows best, people!


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I think the employee was just trying to be nice and help you out by making the kids happy.







I would guess that 9 times out of 10, the parents would be grateful - not saying that you should be - but that most parents wouldn't think twice about an occasional sucker. So maybe that is why the employee was surprised at your response.

I do think they should ask you first, and hand them over to you if you accepted.


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## mommariffic (Mar 18, 2009)

Yeah, I am a little surprised too?

I've had folks offer DD lollipops and things and I've always said thank you and just pocketed it. I mean, it was a lollipop not crack you know? I guess my opinion may not be as popular because on occasion we veg out with treats like that.

I would have said "they are too young, but thank you so much for thinking of us" or something like that. I wouldn't have been offended or horrified because it's a nice gesture


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## elmh23 (Jul 1, 2004)

Where do you live where this is a problem?

No place I've been does that here in New Mexico. Sure the bank has lollipops, but you either have to ask for them or if you go inside there is a little jar of them. I either let my kids have them, or tell them not today. No big deal.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I don't mind it much, but it can be a bit annoying if my kid decides they _have_ to have it. I avoid junk food aisles and such when shopping with them (unless I happen to actually be planning to buy a treat of some kind), so I really don't want other people calling attention to them, let alone offering them, yk? OTOH, I appreciate that people are just trying to be nice, and to help if the kids are in a bad mood.

I guess I just wish our society, as a whole, would default to something other than sugar to try to cheer kids up.


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## mirlee (Jul 30, 2002)

i would have done the same thing. Honestly, I understand that the person "means well," but it sets a bad precedent for the child. "If I behave like this, I will get rewarded with a sweet treat." Also, this is candy from a STRANGER. Don't we tell our children not to take things from strangers?

I am the parent. If you want to give my child something, you need to ask me first. What if the child is allergic to wheat, dairy, eggs, whatever? What if I don't happen to have my Epi-pen with me?

If I want my child to have this sweet treat, I will buy it for them.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommariffic* 
I would have said "they are too young, but thank you so much for thinking of us" or something like that.









:

I can understand how someone could find it annoying, but I try to respond to people's intentions rather than whether their viewpoint meshes perfectly with mine. And, even though it can be annoying in certain situations, the intentions are nearly always good when someone does that, so I respond politely. I certainly would never tell the person my child would "hate it" as someone else said -- that's much ruder than offering candy, IMO.


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## KweenKrunch (Jul 25, 2009)

To be perfectly honest, I think it is very rude to decline a gift given with good intentions. If a pharmacist (if we used one) gave my children candy that I felt was inappropriate, I would thank them for it, take the candy, and discard it out of her sight. I'd rather listen to my kids scream for it all the way home than offend someone who was trying to be kind.


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

I definitely prefer being asked about treats - and I appreciate the places that do that. I've also found a lot of places simply hand out stickers which just don't bother me the same way candy does.

I'd be a little irritated she felt like she needed to ask why and didn't just let you say you didn't want them though. Like it's any of her business. Great opportunity to make up outlandish stories about how a family member died after choking on a tootsie pop or something so you never eat them.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
To be perfectly honest, I think it is very rude to decline a gift given with good intentions. If a pharmacist (if we used one) gave my children candy that I felt was inappropriate, I would thank them for it, take the candy, and discard it out of her sight. I'd rather listen to my kids scream for it all the way home than offend someone who was trying to be kind.

I don't know if I'd go that far. I think it's always okay to politely decline something. A big smile and a, "Oh, thank you so much, but he can't have that" is perfectly fine, IMO.

A lady in the grocery store tried to give my DS her half-eaten cookie once -- there was no way I was going to just smile and take it from her, and I don't think it was rude of me to smile and politely tell her no thank you.


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

It does surprise me in this day and age that an employee would offer a child a candy without asking the parent first. I have no doubt though that the employee had the best intentions.

I personally don't have a problem with the occasional candy for my DDs, but I do appreciate someone asking me if they're allowed first.

I remember working as a cashier at a local grocery store when they took away the candies and replaced them with stickers because of the negative reactions from parents.


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## ~LadyBug~ (Aug 14, 2009)

I know she meant well and I was polite when I did explain to her WHY I didn't allow candy. I guess the part that irked me was when she said "Why" kinda like she was questioning my parenting decision KWIM? I guess I thought my answer should have been enough for her but maybe she really was curious, I don't know. No, my girls don't have allergies or anything of the sort, but still PLEASE ask the parent first before even suggesting it to the child.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~LadyBug~* 
I know she meant well and I was polite when I did explain to her WHY I didn't allow candy. I guess the part that irked me was when she said "Why" kinda like she was questioning my parenting decision KWIM? I guess I thought my answer should have been enough for her but maybe she really was curious, I don't know. No, my girls don't have allergies or anything of the sort, but still PLEASE ask the parent first before even suggesting it to the child.









I totally agree with you there. I didn't notice the "why" when I read the OP, but you're right that that's overstepping.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
To be perfectly honest, I think it is very rude to decline a gift given with good intentions. If a pharmacist (if we used one) gave my children candy that I felt was inappropriate, I would thank them for it, take the candy, and discard it out of her sight. I'd rather listen to my kids scream for it all the way home than offend someone who was trying to be kind.

I've turned down offers like this many times. I'm polite about it. If someone is _offended_ when a random stranger politely refuses an offer of candy made to their children, I think they need to rethink their view of things a little bit.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
I don't know if I'd go that far. I think it's always okay to politely decline something. A big smile and a, "Oh, thank you so much, but he can't have that" is perfectly fine, IMO.

Exactly.

Quote:

A lady in the grocery store tried to give my DS her half-eaten cookie once -- there was no way I was going to just smile and take it from her, and I don't think it was rude of me to smile and politely tell her no thank you.
Did you post about that? I seem to remember reading that story here before.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Exactly.

Did you post about that? I seem to remember reading that story here before.

Probably -- I was fairly appalled when it happened. I could even see how it was wet on the edges where she'd bitten it -- blughhhhh. But I still managed to smile and murmur a, "No thanks, I'll get him one of his own."


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
Probably -- I was fairly appalled when it happened. I could even see how it was wet on the edges where she'd bitten it -- blughhhhh. But I still managed to smile and murmur a, "No thanks, I'll get him one of his own."









Yup - that was it. How...icky.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

I think store employees should quietly ask you (the good ones hold it up just enough so you can see or point at it and raise their eyebrows - like "is this ok?" without the kids noticing) but her intentions were to help you. I think being offended or mad isn't really fair to the employee who is just trying to be helpful in what sounds like a challenging situation.

Honestly, whining kids who are rearranging the products isn't fair to the store employee who is going to have to fix it after you leave. I do think offering the suckers during the time you were trying to talk to the pharmacist instead of as you were leaving would have been more helpful - as I'm assuming her intent was to get the kids quiet and occupied so you could finish.

The only part of your story that would irk me is "rewarding" poor behavior with candy. During - to keep them busy - would have been ok with me except they are kind of young for something that has a choking possibility (plain M & Ms would have been better) but not after. After there is no point.


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## ChetMC (Aug 27, 2005)

We're originally from Canada. I noticed a lot more of this kind of thing in the US. Our kids got a lot more random candy, free balloons, stickers and temporary tattoos in American stores and restaurants than Canadian ones.

Our kids don't get a lot of candy, but I am not beyond using M&Ms to buy five minutes of quiet occupation when we really need it. There have certainly been times when I was very thankful somebody offered a sucker or a juice box.

I do what others have suggested here.... appreciate that the person has no malicious intent, accept what they're offering, pocket the sucker or the candy if there's a particular reason the kids can't have it at the time, etc. I've certainly never lectured anybody on the evils of sugar or the hazards of choking.

I do appreciate it when people quietly ask me or DH before offering the candy, but I don't expect this.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

I agree. It is okay to politely refuse, but good golly, to actually get offended by it? I am sure that the clerk was only trying to be nice.

But then, to be asked why was a bit over the top, IMHO. I would not have liked that one bit.

I guess I can see both sides of it.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

See I actually love situations like this, because even though I woulda been irked by the "Why?" question too, I see these as opportunities to educate everyone on natural parenting!









You kinda said it, that you don't let your kids have processed sugars, which in this case is what I woulda said too. But I woulda gone on to say (in a very happy, lighthearted voice because I wouldn't have been upset) that as an employee in the medical health part of the store, she should think twice about offering children processed sugar candy, since it's so bad for them.

Yes, they like it, and it's a lovely gesture, but it's so bad for them!

Then I woulda thanked her for her kind intentions and been on my way... without the suckers in my possession.

And I don't worry about being seen as lecturing - in this situation, the store employee started the interaction. I would have been very nice to her because I think it's a nice concept, but I would still answered the above.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
I agree. It is okay to politely refuse, but good golly, to actually get offended by it? I am sure that the clerk was only trying to be nice.

But then, to be asked why was a bit over the top, IMHO. I would not have liked that one bit.

I guess I can see both sides of it.

Yeah - this. Having people randomly ask me why I will or won't let my kids do/have something is kind of annoying.


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## ~LadyBug~ (Aug 14, 2009)

Well guess what? I grabbed the "wrong kind" of fish oil tablets for my grandma (she is 92 and prefers a certain brand







) so back to Target I go either this afternoon or tomorrow morning. I will keep all this mind should I run into this type of situation


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## laila2 (Jul 21, 2007)

The most annoying thing about it is the way she asked why not?

Clearly you had to go and she was holding you captive. The way I feel today (bad day) I would have just turn and left.







:


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## pokeyrin (Apr 3, 2008)

This is friend of mine whose daughter has severe food allergies and they are currently trying to raise money for a K-9:

http://lovebugsco.wordpress.com/cate...s-perspective/

While I understand it's a kind gesture, in today's world we teach our children not to accept candy from strangers. It doesn't matter if they are an employee at a store, they still are strangers and should be asking the parent's permission and if the parent says "No" they shouldn't be asking "Why?" and the "Why?" is what would offend me.


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## ~LadyBug~ (Aug 14, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pokeyrin* 
This is friend of mine:

http://lovebugsco.wordpress.com/cate...s-perspective/

Oh I can totally see why those parents would be on alert, though mine don't have any allergies, thank goodness!


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mirlee* 
i would have done the same thing. Honestly, I understand that the person "means well," but it sets a bad precedent for the child. "If I behave like this, I will get rewarded with a sweet treat." Also, this is candy from a STRANGER. Don't we tell our children not to take things from strangers?

I am the parent. If you want to give my child something, you need to ask me first. What if the child is allergic to wheat, dairy, eggs, whatever? What if I don't happen to have my Epi-pen with me?

If I want my child to have this sweet treat, I will buy it for them.

I agree. I think there are many reasons why a stranger shouldn't offer food/treats to a child:
1) in situations like this, it rewards the child for acting out
2) children can be diabetic or have food allergies (as my child does), and the food could make them seriously ill
3) the family might have rules about treats, or the child may have just eaten something junky, or a meal might be coming up in a few minutes, or the parent may avoid HFCS/food dyes/etc. for health or behavioral reasons--any number of parenting choices might mean the parent doesn't want the child to have a treat at that particular moment
4) at the same time, if 2 or 3 is true, saying "no" makes the parent into the bad guy and escalates the situation between parent and child

My child is allergic to a laundry-list of foods (I don't think I've EVER forgotten her Epi-Pen, but still). She knows that she is NOT allowed to share others' food or to accept food from anyone other than mom, dad, and other family members. I'm not "offended" when someone offers her something, but I still wish they hadn't--it just makes dd frustrated, either b/c I'm saying no to something that looks attractive and because it reinforces for her that there are all kinds of treats that she can't have.


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## InMediasRes (May 18, 2009)

Our apartment manager would offer 2yo ds candy EVERY TIME we went into the office, even after I told her no the first time. It drove me so crazy that I stopped going in there with him, even though he loved to say hi to them, because I just couldn't handle ONE MORE meltdown.

So yes, I mind. We do usually accept, but I have a little bag of all these accumulated treats at home so we have them for other occasions, not just shopping. That's probably horrible, but oh well.


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## JamieCatheryn (Dec 31, 2005)

I hate it when they do this too, if the person asks me I tell them honestly, "no thanks, the sugar and colors makes him go crazy" if they hand it to him without asking, I try and convince him it's a toy not a candy.


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## east carolina (Apr 5, 2006)

I hear ya, OP. It happens so often to us that store employees, random people on the metro, etc... offer or just plain give my kid candy. No asking, no eye contact with me. I get it that most people think that kids should eat candy and I accept that I am in the minority in thinking they should not









I definitely think people should ask before offering other people's DCs food. You never know what allergies or diet they are following.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I hate it too. I'm not so much offended by an individual doing this as annoyed that our culture encourages this. Just the idea that it's considered "kind" to offer candy to children just doesn't seem right to me.

My DD doesn't have allergies or anything like that, but when people give her candy they make my parental decisions for me, and put me in the position of either accepting their choices or being the bad guy. Also, if DD is not having a good time, refusing unwanted candy could also trigger a meltdown. Gee, thanks. These days I tend to just take the candy rather than cause a scene but I hate it.

It surprises me so many people on MDC think that another person putting you in a bad position or trying to force parenting choices on you is ok or even kind. I mean, we resist cultural norms on formula and many other things. What if some random stranger offered your baby some formula? And frankly that would not be as bad as the candy, since it's unlikely to cause a scene if you politely decline. What I feed my child is my parenting choice, and I resent attempts from strangers to put me in the position of changing my choices or deal with the consequences (both from potential meltdowns, plus questioning like the OP reported, or just looking at me like I'm odd for not wanting to give my child something that is bad for her body).


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

I think that they are just trying to be helpful, but for her to ask why is a little weird-it really is none of their business what you give your child or not. FWIW I have been a hairstylist and I would ask the parent if the child could have something for sitting still, etc. I was never offended if they declined, but I live in a an area where there a tons of people who don't give their kids sugar. At the bank they give lollipops or stickers, we always get a sticker-it's DD's thing. If we don't get that sticker oh my we are gong to have a problem. I think that more places should offer something like that.

I guess I just see it as the person was trying to be helpful, not trying to ruin your children's lives or ruin your day and offend you. I guess I just have bigger stuff to worry about.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
It surprises me so many people on MDC think that another person putting you in a bad position or trying to force parenting choices on you is ok or even kind. I mean, we resist cultural norms on formula and many other things. What if some random stranger offered your baby some formula? And frankly that would not be as bad as the candy, since it's unlikely to cause a scene if you politely decline. What I feed my child is my parenting choice, and I resent attempts from strangers to put me in the position of changing my choices or deal with the consequences (both from potential meltdowns, plus questioning like the OP reported, or just looking at me like I'm odd for not wanting to give my child something that is bad for her body).

I can understand what you're saying. I agree for the most part, and wish that it was universally accepted that you should at least discreetly ask the parent before giving a child anything at all.

But I think there's a distinction between thinking that giving a child candy is okay and thinking that people's _intentions_ are good when they offer a child candy. They're being thoughtless, and they are putting you in a bad position, but that's not their intention -- they're thinking, "Kids like candy. Hey, there's a kid. Hey, here's some candy. I'll give some candy to the kid."







So while I agree with you in principle, I can also see that, nonetheless, most people are, in their own way, being kind when they do all that thoughtless parental undermining.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

That would bug me as well.

Yes, it's nice for the pharmacist to OFFER candy- but the proper thing to do is ask the parent "Is it OK if I give candy to your DC?".

My kids can't have a lot of candies for two reasons: many candies aren't kosher, and because they react HORRIBLY to food dyes. The *LAST* thing my kids need, when already tired and bored and acting irritable in public, is to have food dyes that will only escalate their behavior!

I have "safe" candies at home, to have for occasional treats.

At least my kids are now old enough to understand the rules, and to be understanding if they were in the kind of situation described in the OP. But at ages 2 and 3, they would have had a public meltdown!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *east carolina* 
I definitely think people should ask before offering other people's DCs food. You never know what allergies or diet they are following.

A woman once handed my niece (about 3 or 4 at the time, I think) a piece of candy in a waiting room. My niece popped it in her mouth, just as my ex-SIL turned back to her, saw it and made her spit it out. I don't know what it was, but it either contained peanuts or had been in contact with them, because my niece went into anaphylactic shock right on the spot. It's probably just as well that the waiting room was in ER. Scary stuff.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
I hate it too. I'm not so much offended by an individual doing this as annoyed that our culture encourages this. Just the idea that it's considered "kind" to offer candy to children just doesn't seem right to me.

My DD doesn't have allergies or anything like that, but when people give her candy they make my parental decisions for me, and put me in the position of either accepting their choices or being the bad guy. Also, if DD is not having a good time, refusing unwanted candy could also trigger a meltdown. Gee, thanks. These days I tend to just take the candy rather than cause a scene but I hate it.

It surprises me so many people on MDC think that another person putting you in a bad position or trying to force parenting choices on you is ok or even kind. I mean, we resist cultural norms on formula and many other things. What if some random stranger offered your baby some formula?

If someone offered me formula for dd2, I'd assume they thought she was hungry and were trying to help. It probably _would_ be a kind gesture (assuming we're not talking about a formula company rep or something like that). I'd refuse, but I wouldn't be upset about it.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
Yes, it's nice for the pharmacist to OFFER candy- but the proper thing to do is ask the parent "Is it OK if I give candy to your DC?".

This. I really don't understand why people offer stuff directly to a child. It makes no sense.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
But I think there's a distinction between thinking that giving a child candy is okay and thinking that people's _intentions_ are good when they offer a child candy. They're being thoughtless, and they are putting you in a bad position, but that's not their intention -- they're thinking, "Kids like candy. Hey, there's a kid. Hey, here's some candy. I'll give some candy to the kid."







So while I agree with you in principle, I can also see that, nonetheless, most people are, in their own way, being kind when they do all that thoughtless parental undermining.









We're in total agreement, you're right. That's why I don't focus my irritation on any individuals. Honestly, when this happens (and it's frequent, for me), I complain to my DH about our society, rather than the person.

In fact, I wasn't even irritated at this one lady who discreetly asked me if she could give DD a lollipop (the ONLY person I can remember who did this! I was actually really happy for a moment!) and I smiled and said something like "Thanks, but it's too close to her bedtime" or something - and she gave DD the pop anyway! I just assume she just heard "thanks" and went with that. So I just smiled and thanked her, and DD (sigh) had the lollipop.

One time when DD was really little, maybe 5 months old, a guy at a liquor store (we were buying a bottle of wine for our visiting MIL) handed us some sweet for DD. At this point, it wasn't an issue; DD didn't know what it was and we just thanked the guy and DH put it in his pocket. But what was weird is, the guy launched into a tirade about parents who don't let their kids have the candy he gives them. "You wouldn't believe the number of parents who actually don't want the candy! What is this world coming to!" And apparently still keeps offering kids candy even though he's found many parents don't want them to have it









Heck, even our contractor, who's an awesome contractor, has a real bee up his butt about restricting children's access to sugar. It really makes him angry. He once saw DH had a Dunkin Donuts coffee and assumed we were God fearing, Dunkin Donuts patrons (in Massachusetts it's almost the law to eat donuts from there - frequently!) and launched into a similar tirade as the liquor store clerk. DH recently went to his house to work on his computer, and the guy slipped DH 2 bucks specifically to stop by Dunkin Donuts on the way home for DD.









So obviously I'm not the only one with strong feelings about the matter!

I've learned to mostly avoid places that offer treats, the bank being the only place we can't avoid (all 3 banks in our town offer lollipops, and believe me, DD knows this!!!). So she gets a lollipop twice a month when DH goes to the bank. What are ya gonna do? Still cheeses me off...


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I guess the thing that really bothers me about the people who are angry about restricting access to sugar is that those people are the sole reason we ever "restrict access." Otherwise, we just wouldn't run into it. It's not like DD was born addicted to candy. She wouldn't know about it if people didn't keep giving it to her. Like many people here, I don't like to be really restrictive about that stuff, and DD does get her fair share of sugar. But she eats far more than I would have wanted, simply because strangers keep forcing me to make a choice between being relaxed and letting her have it or making an issue. But I see it like THEY are making the issue, not me!


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## abi&ben'smom (Oct 28, 2007)

I used to work at a restaurant where we had suckers for customers. I always decreetly asked the parents without the kids seeing (even before having kids myself). About 1/2 the parents wanted them. Some were relieved to have a distraction for their kids while they ordered their food. Some would show it to them and told them they could have it after they ate their dinner. And the other 1/2 I think were happy that I didn't let the kids see the candy!

Now I work at a place where we don't have candy for customers, but I am always picking up the rearranged aisles!!


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## MSUmama (Apr 12, 2007)

Things like this make me compare "back then" to "now". DH and I have 16 and 14 y/o's and 4 and 2 y/o's...

Back then, this kind of thing happened all the time, and I can honestly say I wasn't happy about it but young and dumb and less inclined to say something.

Now, I can't recall anyone every offering the little ones candy, or anything, without asking me first, and usually trying to ask without the kids hearing. Even our doctor's office, which is small and serves all 6 of us, so they know us well, will ask everytime. I really appreciate that they don't assume that because it was ok last time, it's always ok.

I agree with the other posters who stated that in this day and age, it's not ok to offer a child anything without permission. Of course it's also not ok for her to question your decision to decline! What do you expect from a society that thinks it's ok to ask that babies be fed in restrooms though?


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## jewelsJZ (Jan 10, 2008)

I prefer to be asked first. Our grocery store gives out balloons. My two older ones fight horribly over balloons, even if they both have one, so we have a rule in our house, no balloons unless it's someone's birthday. One day dd was bugging me for one at the grocery store check out line and I was telling her no, no, reminding her of the rule. This woman who works there is watching us and then goes over, gets a balloon and tries to hand it to dd! I told her no, we don't need a balloon.
I feel the same way about candy. Ask first. We allow it, but there are just way too many opportunities for them to eat sweets, they don't need even more stuff just given to them.


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## baglady (Jul 13, 2009)

I would be annoyed that I wasn't asked first, but I would be way more annoyed at the "why?" Um... none of your business.

I had to fend of someone trying to give 7 month old DS french fries on Sunday.


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## secondseconds (Jun 22, 2005)

Would it have been that hard to just accept them, say "Thanks, we'll save these treats for later" and stick them in your purse? You could have thrown them away eventually. Your response seems a tad immature. You don't have to proclaim your stance on nutrition to every well intentioned and kind stranger.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *secondseconds* 
Would it have been that hard to just accept them, say "Thanks, we'll save these treats for later" and stick them in your purse? You could have thrown them away eventually. Your response seems a tad immature. You don't have to proclaim your stance on nutrition to every well intentioned and kind stranger.

I'm sure it's not that hard, but you're ignoring the fallout with the child in question.

Possibly some children out there would not say a peep seeing candy go into a purse, and later, into the trash - but my kid is not one of them.

Why should I be put in that position? Why is it that the rude person in this encounter considered to be the person making a parental choice for their child, rather than the person forcing their choices onto the person and causing a scene (or forcing the parent to give in to avoid the scene)?


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## ~LadyBug~ (Aug 14, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *secondseconds* 
Would it have been that hard to just accept them, say "Thanks, we'll save these treats for later" and stick them in your purse? You could have thrown them away eventually. Your response seems a tad immature. You don't have to proclaim your stance on nutrition to every well intentioned and kind stranger.

I didn't think I was being immature







It just irked me she would go above MY head, being the parent, and go directly to a 2 and 3 year old and not even really ASK, but show them candy. Yeah, I was a little thrown back by it, and it turned into being pissed off when she asked me why. I think any mother would be ticked if some stranger asked them why their child could not have a particular type of food. Plus, I did not not want to take the candy home, plain and simple.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Yeah, and also - what's immature?

Answering a question about why you made a parental choice? (You said you don't have to proclaim your nutritive choices to every stranger - but she was ASKED!!).

Or demanding to know why a parent made a parental choice?

I can't fathom why it's not rude to demand a parent explain their choices, yet rude to politely decline unwanted candy.


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## BarnMomma (Dec 12, 2008)

So many times I have encountered this type of thing. It drives me insane.

DS does not having anything processed. At all. Ever. Our version of a sweet treat is a croissant from the local bakery and only becasue I know they make everything in house with no artificial anything.

It's gotten to the point that I usually just claim DS has an allergy to something. Not thrilled about lying but it's efficient on deterring people who are hell bent on passing out the treats. And I HATE the "oh lighten up it's only a cookie/candy/lolli, kids love that stuff."


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
I don't know if I'd go that far. I think it's always okay to politely decline something. A big smile and a, "Oh, thank you so much, but he can't have that" is perfectly fine, IMO.

Yeah . . . I actually had someone come up to the kids in the grocery store one day and tell them, "If you go to the bakery aisle, you can get a free cookie . . . and then you have to go to the floral aisle to get a free balloon." Then she looked pointedly at me and said, "I'm telling THEM so now you HAVE to take them." I was flabbergasted. They were both behaving perfectly, being helpful, and it was an all-around great moment as far as their actions went (and she did compliment them, and me), but WHAT? "Now you HAVE to take them?!"

I think she had good intentions, but talk about overstepping! She even "checked up on me" when we ran into her again, to make sure I'd gotten them their treats (we did get balloons, but didn't have time for cookies, too). Crazy!!


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

I would never be so strict about candy/processed goods. A once in a while treat is no biggie IMO. Especially if kids are hungry, blood sugars are low.... Now, questioning my decision (either way) would get a big "UMM, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS"!


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:

most people are, in their own way, being kind when they do all that thoughtless parental undermining.
I love this line!

ETA: oh and OP I totally agree with you. I can't stand the constanr candy offers. My bank gives stickers and the tellers who have kids mouth the word"Candy?" I say just stickers,.


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShwarmaQueen* 
I would never be so strict about candy/processed goods. A once in a while treat is no biggie IMO.

I feel the same way, but for safety reasons, I never let my daughter have lollipops or other hard candy when she was only 2. I was always a bit stunned when people would offer her sweets, particularly candy, at that age. Now that she is almost 4, it doesn't seem so nuts to me.


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## LaLaLaLa (Oct 29, 2007)

We're pretty easygoing around here about candy and sweets, and my kids also are fine when someone offers something and I say "no" or "we'll put it away for later."

So, based on that, I'm not upset when people offer treats. We generally take them and either eat them or not.

What drives me wild is when people SPELL things or WHISPER things to me. Argh! We don't ever spell things in front of our kids. Never. I HATE that. It's rude and condescending and unfair to play on the fact that the kids don't have the ability to spell yet. It really irritates me more than it should when people whisper "can the kids have a l-o-l-l-i-p....." "Yes, yes, yes," I always interrupt (rudely). "They can have whatever."

Ah, I feel better having that off of my chest. Sorry to hijack.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Well I could care less if ds has a lollipop, so I've never really paid much attention. It does not happen often anyway.

At our Publix bakery they have small, sugar cookies for the kids. Each and every time the employee has asked me if it's ok if ds has one. I say sure.









I would probably decline a round hard candy - we had a scary choking incident a few years ago at Halloween that has me thinking ds will need to be an adult before he ever touches that stuff again.









I do agree that I'm sure most people mean well when they offer. I think 99% of parents around here could care less if their kids had it and would appreciate the offer.


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## ~LadyBug~ (Aug 14, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LaLaLaLa* 
What drives me wild is when people SPELL things or WHISPER things to me. Argh! We don't ever spell things in front of our kids. Never. I HATE that. It's rude and condescending and unfair to play on the fact that the kids don't have the ability to spell yet. It really irritates me more than it should when people whisper "can the kids have a l-o-l-l-i-p....." "Yes, yes, yes," I always interrupt (rudely). "They can have whatever."

Ah, I feel better having that off of my chest. Sorry to hijack.

Yeah that is VERY annoying...especially when they misspell the word they are trying to spell


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

I'm with the OP. We don't give our 4 yr old candy unless it's Halloween or part of a birthday party goody bag. I don't think anyone under 5 needs to eat candy at all, but that's JMO. I would be beyond irritated if it were offered to my 2 y/o!

When my 4 y/o is offered a lolli w/i his sight I accept it, b/c if I don't I'll have a very upset little boy, and who needs it? So totally agree w/ the other poster--why should I have to deal w/ that? Ask me if it's all right, not my child.


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## Jackpackbaby (Oct 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Youngfrankenstein* 
To be honest, I'm suprised that you would be offended or upset by that.

I'm not. I detest when people do that. What if the child has an allergy or sensitivity (as mine does)? I understand that they are trying to be nice but there has to be some common sense. We no longer live in a world where you can just haul off and give someone's child things without a thought. Besides, then we end up looking like the bad guys for not allowing it. Most people ask me sotto voce if they can give my kids a lollipop/cookie etc.. so my kids don't hear the request. If I say no thank you they are fine with it. I appreciate people like that.


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## Jackpackbaby (Oct 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
Probably -- I was fairly appalled when it happened. I could even see how it was wet on the edges where she'd bitten it -- blughhhhh. But I still managed to smile and murmur a, "No thanks, I'll get him one of his own."










Ugh! That is just nasty not to mention weird. How old was your son? Did the woman work at the store??


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

I'd go back and thank the woman for trying and suggest that she offer a sticker or something instead.

I'm astounded at all the people who think it's okay to offer a kid food without checking with the parents first.

What if the kids were acting up because it was almost nap time and now they're going to have a sugar rush and stay up and be even more cranky? What if one of them were allergic to corn by products or red dye? What if the kid just wouldn't finish the sucker before getting to the car and mom's left with a choice between a screaming fit, sitting around waiting for the kid to finish, and a huge sticky mess in the car seat?


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jackpackbaby* 
I'm not. I detest when people do that. What if the child has an allergy or sensitivity (as mine does)? I understand that they are trying to be nice but there has to be some common sense. We no longer live in a world where you can just haul off and give someone's child things without a thought. Besides, then we end up looking like the bad guys for not allowing it. Most people ask me sotto voce if they can give my kids a lollipop/cookie etc.. so my kids don't hear the request. If I say no thank you they are fine with it. I appreciate people like that.

That's what people did with my parents when I was a kid, so the world of just giving kids things without a thought hasn't been around for at least 25 years now.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Norasmomma* 
I guess I just have bigger stuff to worry about.

What do you mean by that?


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
Then she looked pointedly at me and said, "I'm telling THEM so now you HAVE to take them."

When you saw her again, and you had the balloons but no cookies, you did tell the kids that you didn't get cookies because of "that lady right there", yes??







:


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *secondseconds* 
Would it have been that hard to just accept them, say "Thanks, we'll save these treats for later" and stick them in your purse? You could have thrown them away eventually. Your response seems a tad immature. You don't have to proclaim your stance on nutrition to every well intentioned and kind stranger.

Would it have been that hard for the woman to just accept having the candy politely declined? Her response of "why not?" was very very immature. She didn't have to question the decision of a busy and leaving stranger.


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## StrawberryFields (Apr 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~LadyBug~* 
I heard an employee say "Hey girls I have something sweet for ya"







Two Tootsie Pops! I politely told her they were not allowed to have them and began to leave when she asked why. I almost said "Because I am their mother and I said so!" but I didn't want my girls hearing me talking like that so I said "Because they are a choking hazard and I don't allow my children to have sweet processed sugars like that." She looked at me like I was speaking Latin. Now, my girls did not throw a fit wanting the candy but I was still very annoyed. Why do people question stuff like that? Why would they just offer THEM without asking ME first? I know, I know it was to be "nice" and "friendly" and all that garbage, but it just gets to me. Sorry for the rant.


I can totally see why you were upset!! I would be too. Luckily I have never been in that situation, every place I have been to that offers my kiddos candy has asked me first, being very discreet or using code-type language. I usually allow my kids to have the treats they are offered. But Tootsie Pops are HUGE!!! My nearly 4 year old has still never had a sucker that big and he certainly wouldn't need one in the middle of the day while we were out running errands.

There are so many reasons why I wouldn't want the treat. Maybe it was almost naptime! Or we just stopped at the store on the way home from the ice cream shop! Or we were on our way somewhere else and gosh, I didn't want my kids to be smeared head to toe in sticky purple sucker.

The thing is, even by holding up the candy and saying, "Can your kids have these big ol' honking suckers?" it would be setting me up for a couple of tantrums. My kids love candy and sugar and my ds would totally freak if someone offered him a sucker in front of his face and I said no. So suddenly I'm the bad guy. KWIM? Ugh.


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## primjillie (May 4, 2004)

I got the impression that maybe the clerk was trying to distract your little ones from messing up the meds? Maybe she thought candy was the fastest way to get their attention away from their boredom. It sounded like she had good intentions.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

I've had complete strangers offer my children candy from out of their pocket when in a store or some place.







I don't like it either but once they show it to them usually they want it and there's no way I can say no.







So you did good.

A couple of months ago an elderly man walked up to my DD and I in a grocery store and he gave my DD a $1 bill for absolutely no other reason than the fact that he said she was well behaved and that she smiled at him. I thought it was soooo sweet. He made her day! She told everybody about that man giving her a dollar and wanted to put it up and never spend it.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I've turned down offers like this many times. I'm polite about it. If someone is _offended_ when a random stranger politely refuses an offer of candy made to their children, I think they need to rethink their view of things a little bit.

I agree with this. The store employee probably saw you having a tough time and offered a treat to your kids because treats while shopping tend to make shopping a much funner experience for everyone in the store. This is why Albertson's has been giving kids a cookie at the bakery since before I was born and I really hope they never stop.


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## Picturesque (May 31, 2007)

I hate when ANYONE offers my child junk food without asking me. I even hate it when they do ask me but do so in front of DS. We are not junk-food free, but I do try to keep his intake reasonable. Plus, there are LOTS of reasons why I might not want him to have 'xyz' at a particular time. Like lots of sugar before nap time. Or if it's messy. Like the store employee who handed him a melting popcycle right before we got into the car. I know I can refuse, but it only creates a nightmare scenario for me with an upset child. My MIL does this on purpose. She is always trying to cram DS full of garbage and she'll dangle whatever-it-is in front of DS's face while sweetly asking, "Mom, can he have this?" AAAHHH

Sorry, OP - your post must have touched a nerve... FWIW, I think you dealt with the situation as best as you could under the (crappy) circumstances.


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## ginadc (Jun 13, 2006)

I hate when people offer my kids (DD mostly, as she's older and knows what's going on) food treats without asking me discreetly first. The ladies who cut DD's hair are great--they always ask quietly, "Can she have a lollipop?" The answer is usually yes. But sometimes I may not want her to have something--as PPs have said, she might have just had something else sugary, or we might be just about to have dinner, or for whatever reason it just might not be the right time for her to have a cookie/lollipop/piece of candy. In any case, it's totally inappropriate for someone who's not my child's parent to offer my child food without asking me first, and pretty crappy to put me in the position of having to say no and then be the bad guy.

This happened once in the grocery store. DD decided to pitch a tantrum as we were checking out, and one of the checkout ladies asked me very loudly, clearly intended for her to hear, "Does she want a cookie?" I said no, she doesn't get rewarded for tantrums with cookies. Of course, the tantrum then became about, "But I WAAAANNNTTT A COOOOKIEEEE!!!!"

Another cashier rolled her eyes at her colleague and said, "I told you not to do that."


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## tjjazzy (Jan 18, 2007)

thankfully, around here, they generally whisper "can he have a sucker?" and we often say no (although he knows which stores offer them now and we usually tell him ahead of time whether or not he is allowed to get one. he's good about accepting whatever we say about it.) the people who give us a dirty look when we say no really irk me. like not letting him have a sucker is so horrible or something. it's not like i deprived him of dinner!


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LaLaLaLa* 
What drives me wild is when people SPELL things or WHISPER things to me. Argh! We don't ever spell things in front of our kids. Never. I HATE that. It's rude and condescending and unfair to play on the fact that the kids don't have the ability to spell yet. It really irritates me more than it should when people whisper "can the kids have a l-o-l-l-i-p....." "Yes, yes, yes," I always interrupt (rudely). "They can have whatever."

Oh goodness -- they're darned if they do and darned if they don't!







So many people have said they wish the clerks would discreetly ask the parent first, but now that's offensive too. I can see your point on the spelling, but how else besides whispering are they supposed to discreetly ask the parent? They could gesture, if they're able to without the kid seeing, but IMO that falls into the same category as whispering -- communicating with the caregiver in a concealed manner.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jackpackbaby* 
Ugh! That is just nasty not to mention weird. How old was your son? Did the woman work at the store??

He was a young 3 at the time. No, the woman didn't work there, and I think she realized that her offer was inappropriate right after she made it. She looked down at the cookie at the same time I did and kind of laughed nervously and pulled it back toward herself. I think she just thought my DS was cute and wanted to give him something to make him happy, and that's what she happened to be holding. She was a sweet lady, she just made an odd social gesture.


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## Purple*Lotus (Nov 1, 2007)

When I was a Nanny we visited Gram at the Senior Center for lunch one afternoon. Nanette was 2. All of the older ladies kept trying to give her dollar bills because she was cute. It took me by surprise and it was a very uncomfortable situation for me to be in and I kept politely declining while being totally stunned because I have never seen that before. Nanette kept whispering "Why are they giving me monies?"







ETA: After reading the other thread I know feel bad for not letting her keep the dollars as I probably offended the ladies indirectly







Leave and learn I guess! When I have my own kids I wont refuse any dollars









Anyhow, as a teacher with many students with allergies, I never offer any food item to anyone's child. If I want to do a special treat with food- which is rare because I don't believe in using food as a reward, but if I want to make something for a holiday, etc- I always ask the parent privatly first.

I would have just said "Thanks for offering, but they are a bit too young for lollipops." And they are for that type, IMO. Unless you are like on top of them to supervise. And I would have just kept on.


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## Purple*Lotus (Nov 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~LadyBug~* 
Yeah that is VERY annoying...especially when they misspell the word they are trying to spell









One of the other teachers in my building came to my room one day and she said "Are you going to let your kids watch a m-o-v-i-e on Friday?" Without missing a beat one of my 5 year olds said "You know that most of us can spell movie, right?







" I laughed so hard! It annoys me when people spell things out or assume children are stupid. My students are smarter than a lot of adults that I know, actually!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bunnyflakes* 
One of the other teachers in my building came to my room one day and she said "Are you going to let your kids watch a m-o-v-i-e on Friday?" Without missing a beat one of my 5 year olds said "You know that most of us can spell movie, right?







" I laughed so hard! It annoys me when people spell things out or assume children are stupid. My students are smarter than a lot of adults that I know, actually!

Spelling things out has nothing to do with thinking they're stupid. Knowing how to spell and being intelligent aren't the same thing.

I have no problem with people spelling stuff to me, so that the kids don't understand. DH and I do that ourselves. I suspect that it's only going to work with dd1 for a few more months, though. Then, I can switch to Pig Latin, and see if she cracks it as fast as we did.

And, a kind of funny riff on the spelling thing. A couple of years ago, my mom spelled something out in front of her stepson. He was about 29 or 30 at the time. We still laugh about it, although I can't remember what it was she spelled.


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## boringscreenname (Sep 26, 2007)

In our area, no one offers any type of treats except the bank tellers and the Doctor's Office. But I agree people should be polite before offering a child a treat and check with the parents first to make sure it's ok. I might be a little annoyed but not much, because it's not a huge deal to us.


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## bits and bobs (Apr 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mirlee* 
What if the child is allergic to wheat, dairy, eggs, whatever? What if I don't happen to have my Epi-pen with me?


If you have *that* kid and don't have *that* epi-pen then yeah you'd have much bigger problems.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~LadyBug~* 
She looked at me like I was speaking Latin. Now, my girls did not throw a fit wanting the candy but I was still very annoyed. Why do people question stuff like that? Why would they just offer THEM without asking ME first? I know, I know it was to be "nice" and "friendly" and all that garbage, but it just gets to me. Sorry for the rant.

see i could be that person asking you why? esp. if you spoke 'latin'









not to question your parenting decision. but to really understand what is going on.

i have been asked that same question - in different ways, under different circumstances. and i have not taken affront to it. instead its opened up a new way of thinking for that person. like wow!!! so some parents dont like candy for their kids. a foreign concept for them. i couple of places started offering stickers. yeah they truly did.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~LadyBug~* 
my 2 and 3 year old were bored and hungry so they were not being the quietest they have ever been. They were whining and the oldest decided she wanted to re-arrange the medicine aisle all while I was trying to talk to the pharmacist.

I would guess that the above part of your post may have something to do with their offer. Maybe the employee saw you atruggling and was trying to help a bit, especially if it was her job to straighten the medicine aisle at the end of the day!


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

I just think this is part of life. Other people are not going to always share your outlook and values, and honestly, those who allow their kids candy are no more wrong than you are right.

I can't really identify with the feeling of anger at someone who is applying their own outlook on life to your situation, and trying to do something nice. You might not like it, but 99% of parents would have been fine with it. And even though I am not particularly keen on my kids having unnecessary candy, I would have thought of the intent not the action, and felt good that someone cared enough to want to do something nice for my kids.

And I talk as the parent of a child who does have life-threatening allergies. I often have to intercept a treat as it's handed to my child, and explain to the giver that he has severe allergies. Just last week, I had to intervene when on the last day of swim classes, the teachers brought out a big bag of candy. It was no biggie. I have strategies for this. Ds knows that we have 'his' treats at home. If he can't have something someone offers, the moment we get home, we open his cupboard and he has a treat. Sure, he can throw a fit like the best of preschoolers, but if he does, that's life. It's just as likely that he'll throw a fit over a toy he wants me to buy, or getting a smoothie at a stand, or whatever. It's life, and we deal with it.

I guess I just can't see this as such a big deal. And although sometimes I have to explain about allergies, which are not a choice, but a medical fact, I would never deem to try to 'educate' someone else about healthy eating. I think that's rude. How much effort does it take to smile nicely at someone and thank them for a kind gesture, even if it doesn't fit with our preferences? And if you really don't want your kids to eat it, trade it when you get home for something that you prefer them to eat. And allow them to be thrilled that a lady in a store did something nice for them!


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LaLaLaLa* 
We're pretty easygoing around here about candy and sweets, and my kids also are fine when someone offers something and I say "no" or "we'll put it away for later."

So, based on that, I'm not upset when people offer treats. We generally take them and either eat them or not.

What drives me wild is when people SPELL things or WHISPER things to me. Argh! *We don't ever spell things in front of our kids. Never. I HATE that. It's rude and condescending and unfair to play on the fact that the kids don't have the ability to spell yet.* It really irritates me more than it should when people whisper "can the kids have a l-o-l-l-i-p....." "Yes, yes, yes," I always interrupt (rudely). "They can have whatever."

Ah, I feel better having that off of my chest. Sorry to hijack.


When my two oldest were that young, I appreciated if someone would spell it or ask in a way where they couldn't hear. It avoided a heck of a lot of meltdowns with my one son, who has Autism.

I am sure they are not trying to be rude or condescending. Or that they have some strange agenda to belittle children. Why be so rude when answering them?


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## Beene (May 19, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommariffic* 
I mean, it was a lollipop not crack you know?

It's funny you should say that because I just read a study a few days ago that shows that refined sugar is significantly more addictive than crack. I'm with you, LadyBug. I think that woman meant well, but should have asked you first. I worked with children with ADHD in a treatment program for a couple of years and their lunchboxes were ALL sugar because their parents were medicating them with it for their sanity without even realizing it. It IS a powerful drug and I wouldn't allow a stranger to hand my kid sugar, crack, coffee, alcohol, e.t.c. It is hard enough living life today trying to instill this in kids without store employees over-riding mama.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

I work retail. And 95% of the time I quietly ask the parent if it's okay to offer something to the kid. But there's that 5%... where the kid can't refrain from running up and down the aisles, climbing the metros, "rearranging" merchandise... and the parent does nothing but quietly say "don't do that sweetums - I'm almost done!" And I am tempted to annoy the parent as much as their kid has annoyed me (*). I may act on that annoyance 1% of the time.

(*) 'Cause here's the deal. When you're working with a large corporation? They send you specific plans of how every blessed section of the store should look. EXACT placement of each product. And when your sweetums decides to "rearrange" that? Guess who has to fix it? It is annoying as all get-out to have to continually do so as, most of the time, we have other projects as well as customer service to handle.

As a parent, I do understand how it can be. And sometimes, nothing you try works. So a sincere apology to the person who has to fix the mess goes a long way. But yeah - I would be sorely tempted to give you some aggravation back. I've seen how much of a mess a kid can make in 10 minutes.

Just a different perspective.


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## ~LadyBug~ (Aug 14, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
I work retail. And 95% of the time I quietly ask the parent if it's okay to offer something to the kid. But there's that 5%... where the kid can't refrain from running up and down the aisles, *climbing the metros, "rearranging" merchandise... and the parent does nothing but quietly say "don't do that sweetums - I'm almost done!" And I am tempted to annoy the parent as much as their kid has annoyed me (*). I may act on that annoyance 1% of the time.

(*) 'Cause here's the deal. When you're working with a large corporation? They send you specific plans of how every blessed section of the store should look. EXACT placement of each product. And when your sweetums decides to "rearrange" that? Guess who has to fix it? It is annoying as all get-out to have to continually do so as, most of the time, we have other projects as well as customer service to handle.*

As a parent, I do understand how it can be. And sometimes, nothing you try works. So a sincere apology to the person who has to fix the mess goes a long way. But yeah - I would be sorely tempted to give you some aggravation back. I've seen how much of a mess a kid can make in 10 minutes.

Just a different perspective.

I made sure everything was put back where it was placed







I don't make a habit of letting my children run "wild" in the store, this was an exception to the rule because I was talking with a pharmacist AND trying to keep my child from destroying the aisle. It was rough, let me tell ya, but just so everyone knows, I did make sure everything was put back and picked up.


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## Beene (May 19, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
I work retail. And 95% of the time I quietly ask the parent if it's okay to offer something to the kid. But there's that 5%... where the kid can't refrain from running up and down the aisles, climbing the metros, "rearranging" merchandise... and the parent does nothing but quietly say "don't do that sweetums - I'm almost done!" And I am tempted to annoy the parent as much as their kid has annoyed me (*). I may act on that annoyance 1% of the time.

I, too, have worked too much retail to admit to (I hated it with a passion) and I just wanted to say, hoping it doesn't sound mean, that reorganizing product on shelves is your job. If you feel as a corporate employee that you have too many projects to handle that is something the store needs to solve by putting a person in charge of JUST tidying up product. 'Cause any way you slice it, you cannot expect to arrange the perfect endcap and have it still look like that an hour later. Thats just the nature of the beast, in my opinion. Should parents supervise their children more in a store? Definitely. They should be considerate of your work load and respectful. That is why I would take it up with corporate and ask that a policy for ill-behaved children be instituted. Sometimes it's as simple as asking the mother to notice that her child is destroying or rearranging product. We all know as mamas, sometimes we're just too overwhelmed to see. But there needs to be a better way to handle this than anger. I get incredibly upset when I go into stores and am treated rudely because the retail people have come to hate every single customer. I worked retail many many many years and I NEVER lashed out at a customer or mistreated them. If I had a problem, I would speak to them about it. Even with corporate limitations, most stores have policies regarding proper ways to handle unruly kids. IMO, giving them a treat their parents may not approve of is not one of them.


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## mimid (Dec 29, 2004)

As a family who keeps kosher, I hate it wen people offer food and I have to go through a big deal about either checking if the item is kosher or explaining why my girls ("they are just kids, it is just candy") cannot have the item. Added that they are just starting to realize that there is food they can't eat it makes for an annoying situation all around.

Mtiger, do you chase all of the adults who leave stuff all over the store or bring them to check out and then decide they didn't really want it so you have a cart of stuff to put away just when you thought you were done? IME that was more of a hassle than bored kids.


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## fizzymom (Nov 20, 2001)

The thing that really annoys me about having random people offering my kids junk is not only that it puts me in the position of being the "bad guy" for saying no, but it also makes my kids feel bad for being "different" (DS is severely reactive to dyes).

I really don't want to pocket the junk people hand out either because I might forget it is there, my kids won't and since my older two have impulse control issues, someone will dig it out and then I get to deal with a 24-hour, screaming, destructive meltdown. Fun all around.


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## AGF (Aug 6, 2009)

Admittedly, I did not read all five pages of posts so this is probably a repeat. But perhaps she asked why in earnest. Maybe she wanted to know the reason why she should not offer candy to children, to inform her decisions at work. AND Maybe down the line, saying it outloud would reinforce it for your children so that they do it on their own.

My neice will say "No thank you, I'm not allowed to take candy from strangers." It may not be the politest thing to say, but most adults will respect that she is applying what she is learning and say "I understand!".

And it is often hard to offer to the parent without the kids hearing. Really, these people are doing it to be kind or helpful. Certainly not to make our days harder.

That being said, I wish they would lay off the candy and all just offer stickers!


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## east carolina (Apr 5, 2006)

I agree that it's not the worst thing in the world that a total stranger can do to your child (offer candy). I never respond angrily or get offended at the person or find that person rude. But I think the practice of strangers giving candy to kids without consulting their parents is just wrong. It's common knowledge that commercial candy is loaded with dyes, additives, artificial sweeteners, is empty calories, makes kids hyper, makes them crash after a sugar high. There's no known benefit to eating candy and plenty of reasons not to. It's common knowledge that there are health conscious, vegetarian, vegan, special dietary need or what have you people out there who don't eat a SAD.

I never get mad at people who offer my kids candy, but I disagree with it strongly. It's my responsibility what food I choose for my kids or let them choose and I don't want anyone interfering. I think it's pretty rude to completely bypass parents in this regard. I also don't like it when family members feed my kids food that I normally wouldn't.

But, now that my DS is a bit older, I keep my mouth shut or explain to my child that the food in question is loaded with chemicals and bad for him and then I leave it up to him. I offer alternatives or offer to save it for him for later, but I let him decide. He is unfortunately growing up in a world where the grocery stores are full of processed, prepackaged, chemically addled foodstuffs and he is going to have to learn to read the labels and make healthy choices himself (or not and deal with the consequences), and where complete strangers offer him sweets until he is considered to old for that. I wonder what magical age is that?

So, I'm not mad or offended by it, but I sure do wish it wouldn't happen.

Also, now that DS is 4, I often find that he has been handed candy when my back was turned

Oh, and DS has never rearranged any displays or anything like that. Here he most often gets it at the cash registers of small convenience stores where there is no aisle or display. He has been offered and given candy on the metro. It's just a kids=candy cultural thing. Not my bag.


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

I tend say something like "I try to only give my son healthy snacks. Thanks, though."


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## muldey (May 8, 2002)

It doesn't bother me at all when people offer my dc candy.Thankfully my kids don't have allergies,so it's ok for them to have it.Sometimes I pocket it,other times I let them have it then.I always just say thank you.The person has good intentions.I do prefer they ask me discreetly though,but if they don't,no biggie.Today at the food bank the man calling the numbers must have given my kids each 3 bags of cookies.I always accept and say thank you.He would be insulted if we said no.There they figure the kids may not get anything like that at home,as it's expensive(not to mention unhealthy,I don't usually buy cookies,there is much better things to spend my money on).Plus it's a long,2+ hours wait.They are just trying to keep the kids happy.Today there was a family handing out coloring books and crayons,and I thought that was wonderful.Kept my kids and my 4yo niece busy the whole time we were there.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

I have read every page of this trying to gage the consensus. There seem to be a few camps.
I am of the idea that as a mom my kid is my responsibility, period. No one else is responsible for knowing what she can have and can't have. If I don't want her to have something then it is my job to circumvent the candy or whatever. I would never think to blame the person offering. They were just trying to be nice to little kid and kids like candy.
I don't like candy for the potential of what it can do to our bodies, but I am not going to be a teetotaler either. I give my DD occassional treats because I believe in moderation, she does not have allergies so no problem there, of course if she did it would be my responsibility to look out for those types of problems.
Here in Colorado I find people are very friendly and we do get more offers for candy and stuff. Depending on the situation I either say 'no thank you' and smile or accept it and say thank you, eithet way I would never blame the person offering.
I agree with a pp who said the pharmacist could have asked why because it never occured to her that someone might say no, or maybe she is getting more no's lately and just wanted to get some feedback about it. It didn't have to be malicious.

But ultimately I tend to agree with another pp's friend who gets annoyed with how uptight people are these days over sugar, being that controlling can't be fun and I have even recognized it in myself and am starting to loosen the reins a bit.
So your kid eats a lollipop or an ice cream or (god forbid) a dunkin doughnut, that should be a fun part of childhood in my opinion.

I really do understand the problem that sugar presents, but I don't think it is inherently evil, it's the use that makes it bad.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I have never had someone offer my kids candy without clearing it with me first, and I let my kids have candy. I think it is unbelievably rude.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bits and bobs* 
But ultimately I tend to agree with another pp's friend who gets annoyed with how uptight people are these days over sugar, being that controlling can't be fun and I have even recognized it in myself and am starting to loosen the reins a bit.
So your kid eats a lollipop or an ice cream or (god forbid) a dunkin doughnut, that should be a fun part of childhood in my opinion.

I really do understand the problem that sugar presents, but I don't think it is inherently evil, it's the use that makes it bad.

But the point to keep in mind, also, is that some of us have kids whose lives are literally at risk from adults offering them or giving them food directly. If my daughter ate (god forbid) a Dunkin Donut, she could DIE, because she has a severe allergies to wheat, eggs, and nuts. My babysitter once had to literally throw herself between my dd and the (no doubt well-meaning) mom who was offering a piece of bread. As I said, I don't get "offended," because I know people mean well, but I do get privately annoyed, because your good intentions threaten my child's life AND hurt her feelings.

Given the prevalence of food allergies, sensitivities, special diets (vegan, veg, kosher, etc.), diabetes and given that many parents in the US ARE concerned about the food their children eat, it just seems like good sense to me to ask the parent directly, rather than circumventing and risking hurting the child or causing/intensifying a melt-down.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
...she does not have allergies so no problem there, of course if she did it would be my responsibility to look out for those types of problems...

You know, I totally agree, except that it's very, very difficult to be responsible 100% of the time for something that huge numbers of people see as innocuous, but can _kill_ your child. My niece almost died, because my ex-SIL turned her head, and someone handed my niece a candy without saying anything to her mom. She was only 2 or 3 years old. Should the parent/caregiver of a child with allergies literally not be able to _ever_ turn their head away when out in public?


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
But the point to keep in mind, also, is that some of us have kids whose lives are literally at risk from adults offering them or giving them food directly. If my daughter ate (god forbid) a Dunkin Donut, she could DIE, because she has a severe allergies to wheat, eggs, and nuts. My babysitter once had to literally throw herself between my dd and the (no doubt well-meaning) mom who was offering a piece of bread. As I said, I don't get "offended," because I know people mean well, but I do get privately annoyed, because your good intentions threaten my child's life AND hurt her feelings.

Given the prevalence of food allergies, sensitivities, special diets (vegan, veg, kosher, etc.), diabetes and given that many parents in the US ARE concerned about the food their children eat, it just seems like good sense to me to ask the parent directly, rather than circumventing and risking hurting the child or causing/intensifying a melt-down.


I just think other people don't have to worry about your kids allergies, while it would be nice and convenient and I can only imagine how scary it must be as a mom to have to deal with, ultimately it is not their problem.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Should life be that hard? No. Is it sometimes? Yep, it is.

I mean, like I said, it would be nice if everyone worried about that kind of stuff for our convenience so that we would never be put in the situation of our child being given something we don;t want them to have or could even kill them like a peanut m&m for a child with peanut allergies. But how can you make everyone care? How can you make everyone ask everytime? And should you really want that? I just don't subscribe to the mentality that because someone might have a peanut allergy that I shouldn't send my kid to school with a peanut butter sandwich, just as an example.

This is a free country and people just do not have to subscribe to your ideals. And thank God, because it means that I don't have to subscribe to theirs!

I do genuinely feel sorry for moms with kids who have severe food allergies, I really do, but it boils down to this your situation, this is _your_ kid.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

While I don't think it's exactly _rude_ to offer a child food without first asking a parent, I don't think it's _wise_.

The worker in the store had no business questioning the OP. Not only is she the child's parent, but she's also a customer. Bad customer relations, IMO. When someone asks me a question that irks me, I like to reply with "Why do you ask?"

I also think that it's terribly wasteful to accept a treat on the premise of being polite, with the intent to merely throw it away when you're out of view.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

My experience has usually been that people ask me before they offer things to the kids.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
Should life be that hard? No. Is it sometimes? Yep, it is.

I mean, like I said, it would be nice if everyone worried about that kind of stuff for our convenience so that we would never be put in the situation of our child being given something we don;t want them to have or could even kill them like a peanut m&m for a child with peanut allergies. But how can you make everyone care? How can you make everyone ask everytime? And should you really want that? I just don't subscribe to the mentality that because someone might have a peanut allergy that I shouldn't send my kid to school with a peanut butter sandwich, just as an example.

I don't see sending one's own child to school with a PB sandwich and giving another person's child candy as being the same thing at all. Giving a child candy without checking with a parent is pretty irresponsible. In the OP's case, the woman at least offered it in front of the mom. People do know about allergies these days. People do know that kids (at least some of them) get wired on sugar and dyes. They just don't give a crap.

Obviously, you can't make everyone care. I never thought we could. That doesn't mean I think it's okay that people don't care if they kill a child to prove their point that parents are "too mean" to let their kids experience the joys of candy. And, no - I don't think everyone who offers a kid candy has that kind of motivation, but some definitely do. There have been a couple of examples in this thread.

Quote:

This is a free country and people just do not have to subscribe to your ideals. And thank God, because it means that I don't have to subscribe to theirs!

I do genuinely feel sorry for moms with kids who have severe food allergies, I really do, but it boils down to this your situation, this is _your_ kid.
Exactly. It's _their_ kid. So, don't hand _their_ kid a candy without clearing it with mom and dad. That woman in ER almost killed my niece - not because she wanted to give a little girl a candy, but because she couldn't be bothered to say, "excuse me, is it okay for me to give this to your daughter?". To say my SIL was "responsible", because she turned her head for a second, while waiting in an ER for word on her grandmother, strikes me as really bizarre.

People in our complex give dd1 crap when she's playing with their kids. They do it all the time. I don't mind. But, if dd1 had a peanut allergy, you can bet I'd have made sure they all knew it, and that dd1 had it drilled through her head that she _can't_ take anything that's offered.


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Proudmomoftwinsplusone* 
I'm with ya ladybug. When my boys were about 3 we were doing a lot of errands and someone offered them hard candy. I said no becuase they would hate it and/or choke. She looked at me like i was an idiot. so we took the candy home. one twin spat it out, told me he hated it for about 20 minutes and then the other twin started to choke and i did something close to a hymlick maneveur (sp?) to get it out. Mommy knows best, people!

Not to totally derail the thread... but if you knew the candy was a choking hazard- why would you give it to your children? To prove they would choke on it or hate it? What was the point? If someone offers your child something you don't want them to have- decline it. Throw it away. But why accept it, complain about how bad it is, and then give it to your children?!?


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

OP, I totally agree with you, and I would be really annoyed that she questioned you about why you said no.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
I'd rather listen to my kids scream for it all the way home than offend someone who was trying to be kind.

Really?? You would rather make your children suffer than risk offending a stranger?


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
I'd rather listen to my kids scream for it all the way home than offend someone who was trying to be kind.

First, I don't understand how "No, thanks" is offensive. Too many people out there don't know how to say no. They say yes to everything, being too afraid of what others think, trying to please every person they meet. It's sad.

Secondly, my kids matter more to me than a random person at a store. Making them unhappy for no good reason is cruel. You're willing to be unkind to your children in order to facilitate someone else's kindness? That's sort of twisted.


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## ~LadyBug~ (Aug 14, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
*First, I don't understand how "No, thanks" is offensive.* Too many people out there don't know how to say no. They say yes to everything, being too afraid of what others think, trying to please every person they meet. It's sad.

Secondly, my kids matter more to me than a random person at a store. Making them unhappy for no good reason is cruel. You're willing to be unkind to your children in order to facilitate someone else's kindness? That's sort of twisted.

Yeah that was my thinking too......Oh well I guess I am just "Mean Mommy from Hell" who knows


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## Beene (May 19, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
I just think other people don't have to worry about your kids allergies, while it would be nice and convenient and I can only imagine how scary it must be as a mom to have to deal with, ultimately it is not their problem.

So they shouldn't worry about my kid's allergies, but they SHOULD take the time to make the effort to give my kids snacks? Your logic is baffling. If they shouldn't worry that they may hurt someone's child by offering them food without knowing them, then perhaps they should just leave other people's kids alone, YKWIM?


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommariffic* 
Yeah, I am a little surprised too?

I've had folks offer DD lollipops and things and I've always said thank you and just pocketed it. I mean, it was a lollipop not crack you know? I guess my opinion may not be as popular because on occasion we veg out with treats like that.

I would have said "they are too young, but thank you so much for thinking of us" or something like that. I wouldn't have been offended or horrified because it's a nice gesture

ETA this is as far into the thread as I have made it...

I think the problem is a lack of respect.

Both of my kids have food allergies and it pisses me off when adults just walk up and hand them something they are allergic to. Especially my 19 month old because he doesn't understand and gets really upset when I have to take it away. It happens all the time. I don't get mad at the PEOPLE who do it, because I know they are just trying to be nice. But it is bad manners...you should always ask the parent first. I really appreciate it when people DO ask me first, and I make sure to let them know that!!

And in the case of the OP it was totally out of line for the employee to question her. That would have fried me, I might even complain. It isn't like the girl would lose her job or get in trouble, but someone would probably give her a heads up not to do that in the future.


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## seawind (Sep 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Britishmum* 
I just think this is part of life. Other people are not going to always share your outlook and values, and honestly, those who allow their kids candy are no more wrong than you are right.

I can't really identify with the feeling of anger at someone who is applying their own outlook on life to your situation, and trying to do something nice. You might not like it, but 99% of parents would have been fine with it. And even though I am not particularly keen on my kids having unnecessary candy, I would have thought of the intent not the action, and felt good that someone cared enough to want to do something nice for my kids.

And I talk as the parent of a child who does have life-threatening allergies. I often have to intercept a treat as it's handed to my child, and explain to the giver that he has severe allergies. Just last week, I had to intervene when on the last day of swim classes, the teachers brought out a big bag of candy. It was no biggie. I have strategies for this. Ds knows that we have 'his' treats at home. If he can't have something someone offers, the moment we get home, we open his cupboard and he has a treat. Sure, he can throw a fit like the best of preschoolers, but if he does, that's life. It's just as likely that he'll throw a fit over a toy he wants me to buy, or getting a smoothie at a stand, or whatever. It's life, and we deal with it.

I guess I just can't see this as such a big deal. And although sometimes I have to explain about allergies, which are not a choice, but a medical fact, I would never deem to try to 'educate' someone else about healthy eating. I think that's rude. How much effort does it take to smile nicely at someone and thank them for a kind gesture, even if it doesn't fit with our preferences? And if you really don't want your kids to eat it, trade it when you get home for something that you prefer them to eat. And allow them to be thrilled that a lady in a store did something nice for them!

Thank you for that refreshing and practical post. It's getting to be so, it would be best to just resolutely ignore people when out and about. The list of offensiveness seems to get longer every year.


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## InMediasRes (May 18, 2009)

It struck me that saying "thank you" to a stranger who offers your kid candy when the only reason for them not to have it is that you have a dietary "preference" to exclude it is similar to saying "thank you" to your auntie for sending you that horrible pink sweater she thought would suit you so well. Auntie doesn't know you don't want it. Neither does the stranger. Would you tell auntie you would never wear her pukey sweater?

I think I would still decline politely, but I don't think I would get offended at the offer. I do get ruffled sometimes that there are so MANY offers, but at an individual kindness, no.


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## InMediasRes (May 18, 2009)

As I posted that, my 2yo licked his finger and stuck it in the sugar bowl.


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## HappyMommy2 (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
I'd rather listen to my kids scream for it all the way home than offend someone who was trying to be kind.

What????????? That is so foreign to me.

I totally understand that people are trying to be nice, strangers and family both. However - I am the mom and I know what is best for me AND my kids. I would not be rude to the person, I would just say No thank you. However - it still makes me just hopping mad mad mad mad mad!!!!!

I get SO irritated when grandpas or whoever offers candy or ice cream. These people have no idea if the kids have eaten a decent meal already, or if they go totally berserk after eating that type of sugary treat.

I do not appreciate people trying to make me the bad guy by saying no to these treats. I do not appreciate people deciding that I have to listen to my kids anger or sadness or screaming in the car on the way home after a long tiring shopping trip.

No adult should EVER offer any food to somebody else's children!!! If you MUST offer, you should spell the word to the Mom asking if it is okay in a manner that the child does not hear or understand.

I understand that the person might have *thought* they were being nice, but they were in fact being completely rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate.


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## HappyMommy2 (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
my kids matter more to me than a random person at a store. Making them unhappy for no good reason is cruel. You're willing to be unkind to your children in order to facilitate someone else's kindness? That's sort of twisted.


Yes, you said it way better than me!!


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## seawind (Sep 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappyMommy2* 
What????????? No adult should EVER offer any food to somebody else's children!!! If you MUST offer, you should spell the word to the Mom asking if it is okay in a manner that the child does not hear or understand.

There are some posts up thread that indicate spelling it out is also inappropriate and disrespectful.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappyMommy2* 
I understand that the person might have *thought* they were being nice, but they were in fact being completely rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate.

I think rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate is way harsh for the situation referenced in the OP. Chances are the employee was trying to prevent further disruption of the medicine aisle in the store.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
Should life be that hard? No. Is it sometimes? Yep, it is.

I mean, like I said, it would be nice if everyone worried about that kind of stuff for our convenience so that we would never be put in the situation of our child being given something we don;t want them to have or could even kill them like a peanut m&m for a child with peanut allergies. But how can you make everyone care? How can you make everyone ask everytime? And should you really want that? I just don't subscribe to the mentality that because someone might have a peanut allergy that I shouldn't send my kid to school with a peanut butter sandwich, just as an example.

This is a free country and people just do not have to subscribe to your ideals. And thank God, because it means that I don't have to subscribe to theirs!

I do genuinely feel sorry for moms with kids who have severe food allergies, I really do, but it boils down to this your situation, this is _your_ kid.

So where do you expect kids with peanut allergies to go to school? Do you think that is just a risk they should have to take? I don't understand the logic behind this at all...it would never cross my mind to be oppositional about important policies like this.

Not trying to be snarky, just trying to understand how you think it should be handled since you are unhappy with the current system.


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## stellimamo (Jan 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
I just don't subscribe to the mentality that because someone might have a peanut allergy that I shouldn't send my kid to school with a peanut butter sandwich, just as an example.

This is a free country and people just do not have to subscribe to your ideals. And thank God, because it means that I don't have to subscribe to theirs!

I do genuinely feel sorry for moms with kids who have severe food allergies, I really do, but it boils down to this your situation, this is _your_ kid.


Yes, because your child "right" to eat a peanut butter sandwich trumps my kids right to be safe from the risk of anaphylactic shock.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
I mean, like I said, it would be nice if everyone worried about that kind of stuff for our convenience so that we would never be put in the situation of our child being given something we don;t want them to have or could even kill them like a peanut m&m for a child with peanut allergies. But how can you make everyone care? How can you make everyone ask everytime? And should you really want that? I just don't subscribe to the mentality that because someone might have a peanut allergy that I shouldn't send my kid to school with a peanut butter sandwich, just as an example.

I think it's absolutely *no big deal* to ask parents, every parent every time, if their child has food allergies before I give them food. I ask every time we invite a new friend to our home to play. If my kid had food allergies I would hope that others would ask (but would absolutely do what I had to in order to ensure my child's safety, knowing that not everyone will ask).

Also, there are children with life-threatening peanut allergies at my kids' school, and in two of their classrooms. I don't send my kids to school with peanut products. And you know what? That's no big deal, even though they love peanut butter and initially were disappointed. I am teaching my kids that someone else's life is more important than our convenience. They've adjusted beautifully, and check the labels themselves now. And actually, they are allowed to bring peanut butter sandwiches for lunch (because there is a peanut free table), but since they don't have an opportunity to wash hands before returning to the classroom (where they can then contaminate things peanut-allergic kids may touch) we have decided together that it isn't safe to do so. Kids have immense capacity for understanding and compassion.

As for store clerks giving out candy, I think it's meant to be a kind gesture, and one that they hope will encourage repeat business. I do appreciate it when people ask me "can she have one?" or "is it okay if I offer him one?"--and I find that most people do ask. And I don't think wishing people would ask first is wishing for too much. I think it's a good habit, given both safety (choking) issues and the prevalence of food allergies.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Magella* 
Also, there are children with life-threatening peanut allergies at my kids' school, and in two of their classrooms. I don't send my kids to school with peanut products. And you know what? That's no big deal, even though they love peanut butter and initially were disappointed. I am teaching my kids that someone else's life is more important than our convenience. They've adjusted beautifully, and check the labels themselves now. And actually, they are allowed to bring peanut butter sandwiches for lunch (because there is a peanut free table), but since they don't have an opportunity to wash hands before returning to the classroom (where they can then contaminate things peanut-allergic kids may touch) we have decided together that it isn't safe to do so. Kids have immense capacity for understanding and compassion.

I did wish ds1's school had a peanut-free table (or room) for lunch, _and_ that he could have washed his hands. I absolutely understand the severity of peanut allergies, but cutting peanut butter out was very difficult for us - it was one of the few quick, easy lunches I could afford to feed ds1 at that time. The girl with the peanut allergy was in his class every year, and is now one of his close friends. I certainly don't begrudge her a safe place to eat, but I do wish the school had been able to find a way to provide one that wasn't quite as difficult on our end.

C'est la vie. They're in high school now, and I can afford things other than PB&J now.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
First, I don't understand how "No, thanks" is offensive. Too many people out there don't know how to say no. They say yes to everything, being too afraid of what others think, trying to please every person they meet. It's sad.

I agree. But it is hard to say no, and this doesn't happen often with my children anyway. The only place I can say no to is at the bank. The girl at the bank will always ask first before giving my children lollipops and then I ask them and they almost always say 'no' on their own.







They don't really care for them anyway since they never give them the flavor they would want.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I usually allow people to give my child the treat depending on what it is. USUALLY it is quarters at the grocery store so she can ride the mechanical horse.

But then dd started making bald hints in line that someone could give her quarters whenever I didn't happen to have any, so I stopped letting people give her quarters because I didn't think what she was doing was ok.

A couple of times people would try and give the quarter anyways even though I said, "no." I handed it back to them and firmly said, "I said no."

When dd was attending public school she had five students in her class with food allergies. We didn't send peanut butter even though the cafeteria didn't have a "no peanut butter/nuts" policy.

We always took a fresh fruit tray for parties since that worked with all the allergies in her class. The class parties *did* have a pretty clear no peanuts rule but people were very careless, a lot of things were not used during the parties because people didn't even attempt to avoid them.


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## jellop (Dec 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
Should life be that hard? No. Is it sometimes? Yep, it is.

I mean, like I said, it would be nice if everyone worried about that kind of stuff for our convenience so that we would never be put in the situation of our child being given something we don;t want them to have or could even kill them like a peanut m&m for a child with peanut allergies. But how can you make everyone care? How can you make everyone ask everytime? And should you really want that? *I just don't subscribe to the mentality that because someone might have a peanut allergy that I shouldn't send my kid to school with a peanut butter sandwich, just as an example.*

This is a free country and people just do not have to subscribe to your ideals. And thank God, because it means that I don't have to subscribe to theirs!

I do genuinely feel sorry for moms with kids who have severe food allergies, I really do, but it boils down to this your situation, this is _your_ kid.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama*
I just think other people don't have to worry about your kids allergies, while it would be nice and convenient and I can only imagine how scary it must be as a mom to have to deal with, ultimately it is not their problem.









Really? REALLY?!? You truly believe that your kids' right to a peanut butter sandwich trumps another kids' right to attend school safely? You realize a severe food allergy can result in anaphylactic shock and KILL?!

Honest question: How would you feel if you sent your child to school with a peanut butter sandwich, and her peanut butter ended up sending a fellow student into anaphylactic shock, possibly even resulting in that childs' death? Would you feel any responsibility or guilt?

Do you even _grasp_ how incredibly lucky you are to not have to live with the fear of severe food allergies? Is it such an outrageous request to just be considerate of other people - especially in, ya know, life threatening situations?!


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I'm surprised more schools aren't nut-free. DS's is, and my older two children have nut-free zones at their school.

I really can't grasp how it could possibly be a major inconvenience to other parents







b/c PBJ's are not something my kids eat very often (probably b/c I would gag eating one







- so I'm not big on making them).

Related to nut allergies and the OP... even though I said it wasn't a big deal for the employee to offer candy, I have a nephew who is very allergic to peanuts and was handed a peanut m&m that sent him to the hospital. It is very scary, and I 100% agree with others that the parent's permission is a must!


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisteeesmama* 
Should life be that hard? No. Is it sometimes? Yep, it is.

I mean, like I said, it would be nice if everyone worried about that kind of stuff for our convenience so that we would never be put in the situation of our child being given something we don;t want them to have or could even kill them like a peanut m&m for a child with peanut allergies. But how can you make everyone care? How can you make everyone ask everytime? And should you really want that? I just don't subscribe to the mentality that because someone might have a peanut allergy that I shouldn't send my kid to school with a peanut butter sandwich, just as an example.

This is a free country and people just do not have to subscribe to your ideals. And thank God, because it means that I don't have to subscribe to theirs!

I do genuinely feel sorry for moms with kids who have severe food allergies, I really do, but it boils down to this your situation, this is _your_ kid.

I am honestly curious about this. What would you have me do with my dd? She needs an education and homeschooling is NOT an option. She has to attend school. It hurts my heart to think that a parent would feel that their right to do something is more important than another child's right to live. Especially over something so simple as to keep peanuts at home when you know there is a child that is allergic to them.

As parents isnt it also our job to make sure that our kids do not do harm to other children? So in that respect it makes sense that it would be our responsibility to not send foods to school with our kids that we know could kill another child?

Maybe I did misunderstand you post though and you where trying to say something different?


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## purplepaperclip (May 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCatLvrMom2A&X* 
I am honestly curious about this. What would you have me do with my dd? She needs an education and homeschooling is NOT an option. She has to attend school. *It hurts my heart to think that a parent would feel that their right to do something is more important than another child's right to live. Especially over something so simple as to keep peanuts at home when you know there is a child that is allergic to them.*

As parents isnt it also our job to make sure that our kids do not do harm to other children? So in that respect it makes sense that it would be our responsibility to not send foods to school with our kids that we know could kill another child?

Maybe I did misunderstand you post though and you where trying to say something different?









Me too. My dd is severely allergic. I would hate to think her life could be in danger because another parent couldn't bear to leave the peanut butter at home.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
I agree. But it is hard to say no....

Nothing worth having or doing is easy.

As for the peanut discussion, I understand that peanut butter is inexpensive, but there are other protein sources that are not much more expensive.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
As for the peanut discussion, I understand that peanut butter is inexpensive, but there are other protein sources that are not much more expensive.

Like what? I'm honestly curious, as I tried hard to find something, and never did. We managed, and I spent a lot more on school lunches than I could really afford, but I didn't find _anything_ that was even comparable to peanut butter for price.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Like what? I'm honestly curious, as I tried hard to find something, and never did. We managed, and I spent a lot more on school lunches than I could really afford, but I didn't find _anything_ that was even comparable to peanut butter for price.

I've made homemade "hummus" from chick peas (from dry, so extremely cheap....but still cheap from canned), with just some olive oil, salt, and garlic (no sesame paste). I guess that is really just a bean dip, but it was tasty on a sandwich! That would be a lot cheaper than peanut butter.

My kids like chick peas a whole lot more than peanut butter. Lucky me!


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Store employees (and doctors!) hand my dc lollipops all the time. I don't mind. I can say no if I wish. I can see being annoyed if they questioned my polite refusal.

OTOH, I will never understand people who disregard the known, dangerous allergies of other children at school (or church, or playgroup, or wherever we gather with people we know).


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## mamakah (Nov 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
To be perfectly honest, I think it is very rude to decline a gift given with good intentions. If a pharmacist (if we used one) gave my children candy that I felt was inappropriate, I would thank them for it, take the candy, and discard it out of her sight. I'd rather listen to my kids scream for it all the way home than offend someone who was trying to be kind.

I agree. It was given with good intentions.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
I've made homemade "hummus" from chick peas (from dry, so extremely cheap....but still cheap from canned), with just some olive oil, salt, and garlic (no sesame paste). I guess that is really just a bean dip, but it was tasty on a sandwich! That would be a lot cheaper than peanut butter.

My kids like chick peas a whole lot more than peanut butter. Lucky me!









Unfortunately, I'd never heard of or made hummus when ds1 was little. I do make it now, but the only one of my kids who will touch it is ds2. DS1, dh and dd1 all strongly dislike it. I don't know if ds1 would have liked it when he was little or not, but I know one of the very few things he didn't like back then was beans (he'd had kidney beans, and some others, but I can't remember what). Even with a bit of sesame butter, it's definitely cheaper than peanut butter, though. I'll keep it in mind for ds2. He's starting preschool in a couple of weeks. While I certainly can afford peanut butter now, there's always the chance he'll have a classmate who's peanut allergic...and it never hurts to save money.


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

I read all 7 pages.

I think there are several points where everyone agrees:

1. giving food or candy to a child without the express permission of the parent or caregiver is just flat out wrong, dangerous, disrespectful, and should NEVER happen. Regardless of the food, nutritional value, situation, etc. This is about both safety and about respecting the parents' decisions about food.

2. Obviously offering food to a child, including asking the parent directly in front of the child, is also rude and disrespectful, because it puts the parent in a very challenging position.

3. There are ways to be respectful when someone violates polite behavior - personally, I think insulting the food proffered is rude, even if/when true. I don't think the OP did this - though saying they are a choking hazard has an implied "you moron" element, dontcha think? It all depends on tone, of course.

My oldest is sensitive to sugar and red food dyes - I KNOW what a red tootsie pop will do to him. But on occasions when I have turned down a treat for my kids and someone questions it, my response is along the lines of "Too close to dinner time", "he is sensitive to food coloring" or "we are trying to limit sugar in his diet" or some such. We also have lollipop rules - children MUST be seated while eating lollipops, so I might say "Actually, my kids are too young for lollipops without being seated."

Oh, and our church and our preschool are both nut free. I don't know about the elementary school, but many schools are going peanut free. A friend whose son has severe peanut allergy told me "if everyone around me thinks I am being a paranoid freak about his allergies, I am being just about vigilant enough."

Another reason to avoid processed foods, eh?


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## Canadianmommax3 (Mar 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jellop* 







Really? REALLY?!? You truly believe that your kids' right to a peanut butter sandwich trumps another kids' right to attend school safely? You realize a severe food allergy can result in anaphylactic shock and KILL?!

Honest question: How would you feel if you sent your child to school with a peanut butter sandwich, and her peanut butter ended up sending a fellow student into anaphylactic shock, possibly even resulting in that childs' death? Would you feel any responsibility or guilt?

Do you even _grasp_ how incredibly lucky you are to not have to live with the fear of severe food allergies? Is it such an outrageous request to just be considerate of other people - especially in, ya know, life threatening situations?!


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## Canadianmommax3 (Mar 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCatLvrMom2A&X* 
I am honestly curious about this. What would you have me do with my dd? She needs an education and homeschooling is NOT an option. She has to attend school. It hurts my heart to think that a parent would feel that their right to do something is more important than another child's right to live. Especially over something so simple as to keep peanuts at home when you know there is a child that is allergic to them.

As parents isnt it also our job to make sure that our kids do not do harm to other children? So in that respect it makes sense that it would be our responsibility to not send foods to school with our kids that we know could kill another child?

Maybe I did misunderstand you post though and you where trying to say something different?

I don't think you misunderstood her post, people honestly believe this, why should their child go without for someone else child's allergy.

I've seen it posted many times at MDC and at my kids school when he was younger, parents still sent kids to school with pb sandwiches so my son sat in the hallway alone because of it. (even though there was a peanut butter ban)
Some people don't care, and it makes me sick.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *siobhang* 
2. Obviously offering food to a child, including asking the parent directly in front of the child, is also rude and disrespectful, because it puts the parent in a very challenging position.

But really, this is life. Sometimes a parent has to say no. Is it rude and disrespectful for a playgroup parent to bring a shared snack that you don't want your dc to have? Either way, the parent just has to politely decline for their dc. On the spectrum of parenting challenges, this one doesn't rate very high for me.


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## MoonStarFalling (Nov 4, 2004)

I've always been seriously irked over strangers giving my kids candy without asking me first. It happens constantly! They have baskets of suckers and candy out at every shop here. Banks, post offices, stores etc. If an employee from each place gave my kid a piece of candy they wouldn't be eating anything else. And lucky me I get to have my ds mad at me for the rest of the day because I wouldn't let him have an endless supply of candy. I just wish people would get a clue and start offering apples.


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## alinajoy (Dec 9, 2006)

Just the other day I stopped in to Fresh & Easy for groceries before we went home to make dinner. My 3 yr old was doing great even though she was hungry...we passed the demo counter on our way to the checkout.

Passing the demo counter can be a challenge for us sometimes but this time the girl has an open package of capri suns. When she sees DD she says oh would you like a capri sun? then looks at me... DOH! I mumble no thank you and try to walk faster as my DD starts to melt down. ugh

Her intentions were good and if it wasn't right before dinner I may have said yes, but only maybe. We are trying to curb the juice addiction and capri sun is just not something i would ever give my DD.

However for a moment I was really aggravated that she had to spoil our good shopping trip. But I understand why she wouldn't get why I would say no. I'm sure most parents would be delighted at something free to keep their kid happy.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Please keep in mind the UA when posting to this thread. I understand that this is a sensitive subject, especially for parents with children with food allergies, so I would like to ask everyone to keep this in mind.

Quote:

Through your direct or indirect participation here you agree to make a personal effort to maintain a comfortable and respectful atmosphere for our guests and members.
and

Quote:

Do not post in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, name-calling, personal attack or in any way which violates the law.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Canadianmommax3* 
I don't think you misunderstood her post, people honestly believe this, why should their child go without for someone else child's allergy.

I've seen it posted many times at MDC and at my kids school when he was younger, parents still sent kids to school with pb sandwiches so my son sat in the hallway alone because of it. (even though there was a peanut butter ban)
Some people don't care, and it makes me sick.











That is very sad. IMO it should really be the child with PB that is separated so they can be sure they wash their hands and don't touch everything in sight.







And they should send notes home reminding those that "forget" and send it anyways.


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## frogautumn (May 24, 2007)

Sharing a story that happened just today...meant to be completely light-hearted!

DS & I stopped at a farmstand for fresh corn and a yummy pie. The place was crowded, the lines were long, and I had my hands full. DS wandered a few feet away and I was actually relieved that he wandered over to an ice cream cooler...I could keep my eyes on him and not have to worry about him trying to take a bit out of a random peach or tomato then putting it back









A teenaged employee walked over to DS, opened the cooler, and started lifting the ice cream out of the bins, saying, "Oooh, this one has M&Ms, this one is a cone, this one has chocolate, which one do you want?"

So I called over from the line (in my sweetest, most polite voice, I swear), "Oh, no thanks, he doesn't need anything..."

She whipped around, scowled at me, and actually said, "Ugh! I was just _showing_ him."

Showing him? For what? Special torture?








I guess she's got a few years before she can join in the "people offering my kid unwanted candy" conversation.


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## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moaningminny* 
I remember working as a cashier at a local grocery store when they took away the candies and replaced them with stickers because of the negative reactions from parents.

To me that is a sad day.

My son only very occassionaly gets lolipops as a treat...but that being said it would depend on the situation at that moment. If he had been a good boy throughout the waiting process I would in turn ask him if he would like one and to remember to say thank-you. Or I would politely thank the employee and let them know that it was a nice offer but he couldn't have one today. Or I would thank them for the nice treat for him for later. Emphasizing the Later so that my son would hear. I would then pocket it and as promised the treat would appear at a later time.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lonegirl* 
To me that is a sad day.

Why is it sad to get treats that all children can enjoy, rather than treats that cannot be enjoyed by children with food allergies, sensitivities, who keep kosher, are vegan, and so on? To me what's sad is telling my child 20 times a day, "No you cannot have that [enticing thing being offered that all the other children are enjoying]. You're allergic."


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## momo7 (Apr 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Youngfrankenstein* 
To be honest, I'm suprised that you would be offended or upset by that.

Maybe her point was that it's better to ask the parent first if the children are allowed to have treats like that? I know that I would rather someone ask me first than automatically assume it's ok. I don't have an issue with sugar, I mean they don't get alot, but it's just polite to ask the parents first.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Beene* 
I, too, have worked too much retail to admit to (I hated it with a passion) and I just wanted to say, hoping it doesn't sound mean, that reorganizing product on shelves is your job. If you feel as a corporate employee that you have too many projects to handle that is something the store needs to solve by putting a person in charge of JUST tidying up product. 'Cause any way you slice it, you cannot expect to arrange the perfect endcap and have it still look like that an hour later. Thats just the nature of the beast, in my opinion.

Absolutely. However, in today's economy, we're lucky to have two people per shift - a manager and an associate. Period. It's one thing to fix things - it's another to have to completely reset. And honestly - adults can be just as bad.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Beene* 
Should parents supervise their children more in a store? Definitely. They should be considerate of your work load and respectful. That is why I would take it up with corporate and ask that a policy for ill-behaved children be instituted. Sometimes it's as simple as asking the mother to notice that her child is destroying or rearranging product. We all know as mamas, sometimes we're just too overwhelmed to see.

Oh, we do ask the parent to please keep an eye on his/her child. I have stopped children from running and climbing metros and asked them where their parent is, and then taken them to the parent, explaining (to the parent) that we have a lot of products that could hurt their child so could they please make sure they stay near them. Two minutes later? Kid is back running up and down the aisles, and climbing metros.

Just this evening, I had a mother and her... 5yo (?) son in the store. She's shopping, he's running the aisles. One of my associates approached the mother and told her that her son could get hurt, and could she please make sure he stays with her. Yes, yes, sweetums come here. Five minutes later, kiddo is running the store and climbing a metro with glassware. I ask him where his mom is, bring him to her and tell her that he was climbing a metro with glassware which he could be hurt by and we'd appreciate it if she could make sure he stays with her. Five minutes later? The tinkle of broken glass, a crying child, and an angry mother wanting to know why we keep glassware within the reach of a 5yo. Now I have a pissed off customer, a crying kid (not hurt, luckily) and product I have to mark out and clean up. Ya know what? I don't care much if she wants the kid to have a lollipop or not. Stick it in your mouth, zip it, and stay with Mom.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Beene* 
But there needs to be a better way to handle this than anger. I get incredibly upset when I go into stores and am treated rudely because the retail people have come to hate every single customer. I worked retail many many many years and I NEVER lashed out at a customer or mistreated them. If I had a problem, I would speak to them about it. Even with corporate limitations, most stores have policies regarding proper ways to handle unruly kids. IMO, giving them a treat their parents may not approve of is not one of them.

Neither I nor my staff treat customers rudely as a rule. Like I said - *maybe* 1%, and it's not just people with kids. We don't hate every customer. In fact - we enjoy most of ours. But there are some...


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## UrbanSimplicity (Oct 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommariffic* 
Yeah, I am a little surprised too?

I've had folks offer DD lollipops and things and I've always said thank you and just pocketed it.

my dd would NEVER let me pocket it - it would be a huge fight!

we are at our bank twice a week and the woman that we've gotten to know has a big jar of lollis on her desk that we have to walk right by. I've told her to please not offer, because i do not want to be in the position of having to deny. i guess my policy is "don't offer, don't deny" ya know? but she still offers on occasion, and when dd last went with dh (which never happens) she gave her TWO!! what i want to know is why dh didnt say, one is enough, thanks! I'm with the OP, who by the way I do not think sounded outraged, just annoyed. I do not like to feel like my decisions regarding my kids eating habits (at the young age of 3) are not considered. That being said, I know the intention is well-meant.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Like what? I'm honestly curious, as I tried hard to find something, and never did. We managed, and I spent a lot more on school lunches than I could really afford, but I didn't find _anything_ that was even comparable to peanut butter for price.

Someone already mentioned hummus.

Yogurt. Hard-boiled egg. Cheese.

A large carton of yogurt does not cost *that* much more than a jar of peanut butter, IME. Portion it out in small containers. A block of cheese can be sliced thin and made into a sandwich, or cut into cubes and served with fruit and bread or crackers.


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## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

I have to run interference like that all the time. I am lucky, though...most times the store clerks are polite enough to ask ME if they can give my child a lollipop.

And I say no, but thank you for asking. They really think they are being kind, and I appreciate that.

But if anyone tries to offer my child something directly without going through me, that REALLY ticks me off, because that's just rude. And of course the average kid will probably take it (though my 6-yr old HAS been known to say things like "no, I can't have hard candy" or "that's really bad for my teeth!" or "does THAT have High Fructose Corn Syrup in it?") 

But seriously, if a child has never HAD hard candy or lollipops, they don't feel deprived. So the people who look at you like you're crazy clearly don't get that part. Just because tooth-rotting, artificially-colored cr*p is a regular part of some kids' diets, it's not part of EVERY kid's diet. And kids who don't have that every day certainly don't miss it. That goes with all treats, really. So at age 6 mine has never had a hard candy or lollipop, and he doesn't care.

For me, it just used to be about the sticky candy coating that winds up on their teeth all day until they can brush. It is this which makes me want to say "OK" now and then, especially if a friend is offering it. But now that I've read about 6 out of 7 artifical food colorings used in the US being banned in European countries due to their carcinogenic or other properties, we're even LESS likely to want to jump on that bandwagon.

(We've recently discovered Xylitol gum from the health food store.....all other "mainstream" gums have either sugar, artificial colors, or both.)

[You can probably tell we are homeschooled....I can only imagine the staggering pressure to eat cr*p that a child must face in the school environment.]

There is another side to this. I have always told my child not to accept gifts or treats from strangers. There's a good reason for that! I tell him that grownups should know to ask the mama before giving you something. My reasoning there is when they're in the park and some perv drives up in a car waving a box of candy and saying "come here little boy", I want the "Gotta ask Mama" rule to kick in IMMEDIATELY without 2nd thoughts or debate. Now, obviously the clerk in the store is different, Mama is right there, etc. so the kid can feel that the clerk has some legitimacy, but still.....I really think the no gifts & candy from strangers without asking Mama first is a really good rule, whether Mom is nearby or not.

It's tricky. Moms who care what goes into their kids have a nearly impossible job in this culture. However, a little respect goes a long way when dealing with other peoples' children.


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife* 
I really can't grasp how it could possibly be a major inconvenience to other parents







b/c PBJ's are not something my kids eat very often (probably b/c I would gag eating one







- so I'm not big on making them).


Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
Someone already mentioned hummus.

Yogurt. Hard-boiled egg. Cheese.

My ds eats a peanut butter sandwich in his lunchbox almost every day. Why? Because it's pretty much the only thing he'll eat. He has autism and many food issues. He wouldn't touch hummus. Or an egg. Cheese has to be a certain way and, once it sits in his lunchbox, it isn't the way he'll eat it so that goes wasted too. Yogurt is hit and miss. He'll eat it maybe once a week and never in his lunchbox. It has to be at home where I'll spoon feed it to him (rarely he'll feed himself or he'll suck it up with a straw). Any more ideas? Because as hard as I've tried, peanut butter is a staple at our house. Without it, he wouldn't come anywhere near close to enough protein.

All this to say.... I'm extremely glad there are no peanut allergic kiddos in ds's class. If there were, ds's nutrition would be in big trouble (it already is so any loss of food is a big hit). Of course I wouldn't want any other child to suffer because ds had a peanut butter sandwich. But I don't want ds to suffer either.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
Someone already mentioned hummus.

Yogurt. Hard-boiled egg. Cheese.

A large carton of yogurt does not cost *that* much more than a jar of peanut butter, IME. Portion it out in small containers. A block of cheese can be sliced thin and made into a sandwich, or cut into cubes and served with fruit and bread or crackers.

Okay. I was _broke_. I could give ds1 at least a month of peanut butter for about $6.00-$6.50 at that time, and I paid $0.89 for a loaf of bread that would last him at least a week. I have no idea what size carton of yogurt you're talking about, but it was $2.50 for a carton that he could go through in 3-4 days, if he were taking it for lunch. (I bought small containers when they were on sale, and he took those _with_ a sandwich. DS1 was _terrible_ for losing stuff when he was little, and sending my own containers ended up being way more expensive and wasteful.) Cheese was more expensive than peanut butter, and he'd have tried to trade a cheese only sandwich for something with another kid, anyway. We did egg salad sometimes, but it was more expensive than peanut butter. He _still_ (he's 16) won't eat a plain hard-boiled egg. He can't stand them.

Believe me, I broke all this stuff down by the penny, and peanut butter was _by far_ the cheapest way to get protein into him at lunch. We worked around it, because obviously I didn't want V to go into anaphylactic shock! But, it can be hard to take listening to the myriad comments about other people being unwilling to give up something as "minor" as PB&J sandwiches. Sometimes, people aren't behaving in as spoiled a fashion as it might seem - avoiding PB for ds1 put a significant extra financial strain on us for a couple of years.

All that being said, ds1 had more than one birthday party with _three_ guests (2 school friends and his cousin) who have peanut allergies. This is definitely something I'm used to paying attention to. My mom also does two versions of a couple baked items at Christmas, and uses food colouring to mark which version is nut-free.


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## purplepaperclip (May 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Believe me, I broke all this stuff down by the penny, and peanut butter was _by far_ the cheapest way to get protein into him at lunch. We worked around it, because obviously I didn't want V to go into anaphylactic shock! *But, it can be hard to take listening to the myriad comments about other people being unwilling to give up something as "minor" as PB&J sandwiches.* Sometimes, people aren't behaving in as spoiled a fashion as it might seem - avoiding PB for ds1 put a significant extra financial strain on us for a couple of years.

You realize that those "myriad comments" are because our children could DIE, right?


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

StephandOwen, have you tried Sunbutter?

Lisa, sorry if it sounded harsh to say I don't get the inconvenience - it's just that I don't b/c I don't like pbj's and as a result they have never been something my kids ate very often. I DO know what it's like to have to make $ stretch, believe me. When we were struggling I signed up for free/reduced lunch and my kid happily ate that... I know parents complain about the quality of school lunches but unless a kid is super picky and won't eat it, I don't think pbj's every day are any healthier. I'm sure I'd feel differently in someone else's shoes - if it was my kid who would only eat pbj's, though


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *suebee79* 
You realize that those "myriad comments" are because our children could DIE, right?

Have you read anything I posted? Anything at all? Yes - I get it. My niece has come _very_ close to dying, and probably would have if the incident hadn't happened when she was already in an ER. I know about the fear that a child could die - believe me, I know. However, I don't believe that a fear that your child could die entitles one to shrug every other problem other people have as an "inconvenience". DS1 didn't take peanut butter (or peanuts, or any product that contained peanuts) to school _ever_ after we got the notice, but the hassle and financial stress involved went considerably beyond inconvenience. (FWIW, I've also heard two women with peanut allergic kids comment that they really wish they could feed their kids peanuts, because of the financial side of things. They don't like the "inconvenience", either...and their _own_ children could die.)

I still don't understand why ds1's school couldn't have had a "peanut room" and required hand washing before the kids left to rejoin their classmates, which is what I was originally talking about.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife* 
When we were struggling I signed up for free/reduced lunch and my kid happily ate that... I know parents complain about the quality of school lunches but unless a kid is super picky and won't eat it, I don't think pbj's every day are any healthier.

We don't have school lunches here, reduced or otherwise. There's a cafeteria in high school (8-12), but elementary students (K-7) have to brown bag it. I had no idea what "reduced lunch" even meant until met dh. I'd come across it in books a few times, but the context didn't give me enough clues, and I'd always just assumed it was some sort of American or regional term for taking smaller lunches.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StephandOwen* 
Any more ideas? Because as hard as I've tried, peanut butter is a staple at our house. Without it, he wouldn't come anywhere near close to enough protein.

meats?


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

There are definatly ways around the peanut issue at school. I would imagine if it where done correctly the child bringing the peanut butter would feel special eating in a special room. Of course they would need to put other kids who didnt have problems with PB as well in there with him/her because no one would feel special all alone. I dont think the ana child with the allergy should be made to go in the room though my reason for this is because they already feel different and seperating them from others would just make them feel even more so.

But you have to keep in mind some ana kids even being in the same room with a lunch bag that has pb in it is enough to cause a ana reaction that is where the problem is the most difficult to solve. Even being on a bus with someone with a pb sandwich would pose a life threatening risk for some kids.

Odds are though that no one would bring pb every single day (baring people like the pp who talked about her ds who only ate pb).

I think there can be a way to work around the issue if everyone cooperates. But if you have people that dont care that makes it impossible.







I fear there would be someone who would not agree for their child to eat in a different place just because they dont understand the severity of a peanut allergy. That is where education comes in and something the school should make an effort to do so that there is no misunderstanding about the possible deadly consequences of pb for and ana child.


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## ~Shanna~ (Nov 17, 2005)

Whenever I've wanted to offer something to a child, I'm often torn between a)Acknowledgeing the parent's authority and b)treating the kid with respect for their own autonomy. It's a judgement call based on the child's age and what the offer is - seems like whenever someone makes what seems like a bad call, I think they just calculated these two things differently than you would.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCatLvrMom2A&X* 
I fear there would be someone who would not agree for their child to eat in a different place just because they dont understand the severity of a peanut allergy. That is where education comes in and something the school should make an effort to do so that there is no misunderstanding about the possible deadly consequences of pb for and ana child.

This is _so_ true. When the notice came home that ds1's classroom was peanut-free, due to a child with an allergy, there was _no_ information about how serious such an allergy is. I knew, because of my niece, but I know some of the other parents had no idea.

And, I totally agree with this, although I hadn't thought of it from that side until this thread:

Quote:

I dont think the ana child with the allergy should be made to go in the room though my reason for this is because they already feel different and seperating them from others would just make them feel even more so.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
We don't have school lunches here, reduced or otherwise.

Well, that stinks. I know people complain about the quality of school lunches in the US, but free/reduced school lunches for families who need them are a wonderful thing, imo.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

A woman at church was very upset that she couldnt send pb to school with her kids because the kid would get in trouble. It didnt seem to matter to her that there was a child in the school who was severly allergic to the point of entering a room where pb had been in the last 24 hours would send him into anaphalaxis









She just couldnt grasp the concept.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
Well, that stinks. I know people complain about the quality of school lunches in the US, but free/reduced school lunches for families who need them are a wonderful thing, imo.

From discussions with dh, I think it's probably because of the different school sizes. DS1's elementary school had about 180 students, I believe. That's pretty standard. I'm guessing school lunches involve a kitchen, or at least extra space for distribution? (I don't really know, because I don't know what's in them!) Putting extra facilities of that kind into every school would be _very_ expensive, when the schools are so small. I know dh's schools were much bigger, and I get the feeling that's common in the US (or at least some areas).


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
Well, that stinks. I know people complain about the quality of school lunches in the US, but free/reduced school lunches for families who need them are a wonderful thing, imo.

Without them here many kids would go hungry. I had never even heard of a school not actually serving breakfast and lunch until the other night when I was chatting online and the topic came up. My mind just cant grasp the concept honestly. Even back when my mom was in school lunch was provided to kids in the cafeteria.

School sizes here are around 400-500 give or take and high school has 5 different schools that feed into it. So a thousand+ kids there. Maybe it has to do with school size along with the avg. household income.

The food served here for breakfast and lunch is actually very good quality healthy food. In most cases better than what I could do


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCatLvrMom2A&X* 
A woman at church was very upset that she couldnt send pb to school with her kids because the kid would get in trouble. It didnt seem to matter to her that there was a child in the school who was severly allergic to the point of entering a room where pb had been in the last 24 hours would send him into anaphalaxis









She just couldnt grasp the concept.

*sigh*
I think people figure it's some little thing that the media has blown out of proportion or something.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCatLvrMom2A&X* 
Without them here many kids would go hungry. I had never even heard of a school not actually serving breakfast and lunch until the other night when I was chatting online and the topic came up. My mind just cant grasp the concept honestly. Even back when my mom was in school lunch was provided to kids in the cafeteria.

Our elementary schools don't have any cafeterias. Kids just eat at their desks or outside.

hmm....we've gone _way_ OT now. I should probably get back to some real life stuff.


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## tjjazzy (Jan 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCatLvrMom2A&X* 
Without them here many kids would go hungry. I had never even heard of a school not actually serving breakfast and lunch until the other night when I was chatting online and the topic came up. My mind just cant grasp the concept honestly. Even back when my mom was in school lunch was provided to kids in the cafeteria.

School sizes here are around 400-500 give or take and high school has 5 different schools that feed into it. So a thousand+ kids there. Maybe it has to do with school size along with the avg. household income.

The food served here for breakfast and lunch is actually very good quality healthy food. In most cases better than what I could do









schools in the town i live in don't even HAVE cafeterias. sometimes when i was in grade school, they had pizza days or hot dog days and kids could buy that stuff but mostly, you brought your own.
thank goodness, ds1 only really likes cheese sandwiches, b/c his father existed on pb (still does) and there are kids with peanut allergies at (what will soon be) ds's school.
i think we should just respect the no peanut butter rule, not only to keep children safe, but to save the teachers the trouble of constantly checking to see who has what and seperate the kids with pb.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Okay. I was _broke_. I could give ds1 at least a month of peanut butter for about $6.00-$6.50 at that time, and I paid $0.89 for a loaf of bread that would last him at least a week. I have no idea what size carton of yogurt you're talking about, but it was $2.50 for a carton that he could go through in 3-4 days, if he were taking it for lunch.

I didn't mean for you to give him yogurt and _nothing else_ for lunch.
Lunch doesn't have to be a sandwich. A small serving of yogurt, with fruit and bread is perfectly nutritious and filling. Actually, that goes for cheese, too. I can't imagine a young child going through a 32 oz. carton of yogurt in 3days if the yogurt is appropriately teamed up with other foods.

I know peanut butter is the _cheapest_. I'm just saying that the other things do not cost as much as deli meat or a sirloin steak.

I'll be honest and say that I've never been in your shoes. My youngest doesn't like peanut butter, so I've never counted on it for meals. We homeschool, so I've never had to worry about PB free zones. I've been broke, but never so broke that I couldn't afford food. So my perception of things are obviously going to be different than yours.

Since you couldn't do peanut butter and have rejected what I think are inexpensive, viable options, I wonder how you "worked around" the PB ban? What did your son end up eating?


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NellieKatz* 
But if anyone tries to offer my child something directly without going through me, that REALLY ticks me off, because that's just rude. And of course the average kid will probably take it (though my 6-yr old HAS been known to say things like "no, I can't have hard candy" or "that's really bad for my teeth!" or "does THAT have High Fructose Corn Syrup in it?") 


Quote:


Originally Posted by *NellieKatz* 
It's tricky. Moms who care what goes into their kids have a nearly impossible job in this culture. However, a little respect goes a long way when dealing with other peoples' children.

See, here's the thing - some other parents will get ticked off because they think it's rude not to talk directly to the child - they think that is disrespectful to the child. So pity the poor store clerk, who, not being psychic is unable to tell which type she is dealing with.


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
See, here's the thing - some other parents will get ticked off because they think it's rude not to talk directly to the child - they think that is disrespectful to the child. So pity the poor store clerk, who, not being psychic is unable to tell which type she is dealing with.

I've only heard that point of view on MDC and not even very frequently. I don't think any other parents I know IRL feel that way. IMO, the store clerk would be wise go with the approach that would annoy the least amount of people, which based on this thread and on my experience in real life, would be to ask the parent, discretely if possible, before offering food to a little kid. I think like one person here said that would tick them off, so odds are it will go over well.


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## jrabbit (May 10, 2008)

this appears to have gone OT - but I wanted to throw in my 2 cents about the original scenario:

My kids only get candy at Easter and Halloween or at grandma's maybe. I **NEVER** accept candy for them from any source. (my DH occasionally does, but that's reserved for Daddy) They don't throw tantrums about it because they don't expect the candy.

It's not the HCFS or the colored dyes. It's that I don't think it's necessary or appropriate. I politely say no-thank-you and defray the situation by interfering with the gesture so my child doesn't see the offer or realize what's going on. I've had people offer it directly to my child, but normally they ask me first. My oldest knows better and will say no thank you without question. My middle child *wants* the candy, and she will beg for it. But she's never had a melt-down. If I sense that the situation is going to turn ugly, we find a distraction. I'll find an acceptable snack to buy or stickers or something fun to do.

I just don't see why I have to compromise and accept something that I don't want for my children - in order not to "offend" the person giving it??

and as for rearranging the shelves: my kids always do that. they pick up merchandise that OTHER customers left on the wrong shelf or on the floor and put it in the right place. I would be mortified if they made more work for the store employees.

--janis


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
I didn't mean for you to give him yogurt and _nothing else_ for lunch.
Lunch doesn't have to be a sandwich. A small serving of yogurt, with fruit and bread is perfectly nutritious and filling. Actually, that goes for cheese, too. I can't imagine a young child going through a 32 oz. carton of yogurt in 3days if the yogurt is appropriately teamed up with other foods.

I think 32oz. is...4 cups? So, that would be 1000ml. I've never seen on that big. The "big" carton was 750ml. back then and is now 650ml. That's the cheap stuff, loaded with sugar. He could definitely go through one in 3 days in kindergarten. I frequently gave him a PB&J, with yogurt, and fruit. So, this would be the same lunch, less the peanut butter and the jam (not much jam). I know lunch doesn't have to be a sandwich, but that was what worked best for ds1.

Quote:

I know peanut butter is the _cheapest_. I'm just saying that the other things do not cost as much as deli meat or a sirloin steak.
I never said they did.

Quote:

I'll be honest and say that I've never been in your shoes. My youngest doesn't like peanut butter, so I've never counted on it for meals. We homeschool, so I've never had to worry about PB free zones. I've been broke, but never so broke that I couldn't afford food. So my perception of things are obviously going to be different than yours.

Since you couldn't do peanut butter and have rejected what I think are inexpensive, viable options, I wonder how you "worked around" the PB ban? What did your son end up eating?
I sent him with egg salad and sometimes cheese and such. When I say I "worked around", I mean I almost lost my phone, and went without sometimes myself and things like that. I could come up with the extra money (and it did add up to a bit over the course of a month), but it had to come from somewhere...and it tended to snowball, because then I'd owe late payment fees and such.

This isn't even relevant to me, anymore. I spend _way_ too much on food these days. I just remember what it was like back then.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

this irritates me too. Ds has food sensitivies to certain dyes especially red and it drives me CRAZY that I have to give a long-winded explanation of how eating stuff with red 40 can cause him to have hour-long head banging episodes before they stop offering. Can't a simple "sorry, he's not allowed to have that" do? and really, who gives food to a little kid without asking the parent first? For all they know he could be diabetic.


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
I didn't mean for you to give him yogurt and _nothing else_ for lunch.
Lunch doesn't have to be a sandwich. A small serving of yogurt, with fruit and bread is perfectly nutritious and filling. Actually, that goes for cheese, too. I can't imagine a young child going through a 32 oz. carton of yogurt in 3days if the yogurt is appropriately teamed up with other foods.

I know peanut butter is the _cheapest_. I'm just saying that the other things do not cost as much as deli meat or a sirloin steak.

I'll be honest and say that I've never been in your shoes. My youngest doesn't like peanut butter, so I've never counted on it for meals. We homeschool, so I've never had to worry about PB free zones. I've been broke, but never so broke that I couldn't afford food. So my perception of things are obviously going to be different than yours.

Since you couldn't do peanut butter and have rejected what I think are inexpensive, viable options, I wonder how you "worked around" the PB ban? What did your son end up eating?

I should probably stay out of this, but I've never been wise.









Your post indicates that you have never gone hungry because of poverty. I had periods of my childhood where if we spent more than about $.15/person/meal we were in serious trouble. Peanut butter can go much much much further than most other things. I lived on peanut butter on cheap gross white bread, top ramen (I am still hopelessly addicted to it--I'm trying to keep my daughter from having it), and occasionally something spendy like spaghetti when it was on sale. That was several years of my life. We didn't buy fruit. We didn't have vegetables. We didn't have meat. I absolutely completely and totally understand peanut bans but people who are arguing in a hostile fashion against peanut butter are often doing so from a point of privilege and it would be nice if you at least understood that.

At this point I have privilege. My daughter eats fresh organic fruits and vegetables daily. She has organic free range meat on the rare occasions she has any meat at all. She eats whole grains. I don't have to give my daughter peanut butter. But I recognize my luxury. Is it possible for other people to stop and consider theirs a little more?


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I sent him with egg salad and sometimes cheese and such. When I say I "worked around", I mean I almost lost my phone, and went without sometimes myself and things like that. I could come up with the extra money (and it did add up to a bit over the course of a month), but it had to come from somewhere...and it tended to snowball, because then I'd owe late payment fees and such.

This isn't even relevant to me, anymore. I spend _way_ too much on food these days. I just remember what it was like back then.

When your kid is the one with food allergies, the costs are enormous. A new epi-pen every year (more if you have to use one), at $99 a pop (that's WITH insurance coverage). The school needs an epi-pen, too, and Benadryl to have on hand. The amount of money I spend on specialty foods is staggering. Specialty flours, crackers, cereals, bread, rice pasta, you name it. We can't buy things like rice or millet from the cheaper bulk bins at the market, because of the high risk of contamination from nuts or wheat. Because US-grown oats tend to be contaminated with wheat, we need to buy the expensive Irish oatmeal if we want her to have that. We buy tons of out-of-season produce, because dd's diet is so limited that we need to build in variety any way we can. Egg replacer or flaxseed for baking--way more expensive than eggs. Then there are high-grade probiotics and vitamin D supplements to help improve her immunity. Any birthday party or event that we go to, we need to provide dd with her own food, so there are never any "freebies" for her.

At school, all the other kids get two snacks provided for them--we have to send not only lunch, but snacks as well (and we don't get a discount off of her tuition, of course). We have to buy expensive, gluten-free play-doh for the entire class, because dd can't use or be around kids using wheat-based play-dohs. If they do any crafts requiring pasta, we have to send in rice pasta for the entire class. We need to find and send non-perishable treats for the teacher to have on hand in case another kid is having a birthday.

I don't mean this as a "poor me" post--just a snippet of what it's like. We are extremely lucky that we are able to afford these things, although it isn't always easy, and we have to economize in other ways. Dd's school is nut-free, so we've never had to deal with parents struggling to provide alternative lunches. But if I knew a parent WAS struggling, I would gladly provide them with a jar of sunbutter each week in order to keep my kid safe and their kid fed.


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
When your kid is the one with food allergies, the costs are enormous. A new epi-pen every year (more if you have to use one), at $99 a pop (that's WITH insurance coverage). The school needs an epi-pen, too, and Benadryl to have on hand. The amount of money I spend on specialty foods is staggering. Specialty flours, crackers, cereals, bread, rice pasta, you name it. We can't buy things like rice or millet from the cheaper bulk bins at the market, because of the high risk of contamination from nuts or wheat. Because US-grown oats tend to be contaminated with wheat, we need to buy the expensive Irish oatmeal if we want her to have that. We buy tons of out-of-season produce, because dd's diet is so limited that we need to build in variety any way we can. Egg replacer or flaxseed for baking--way more expensive than eggs. Then there are high-grade probiotics and vitamin D supplements to help improve her immunity. Any birthday party or event that we go to, we need to provide dd with her own food, so there are never any "freebies" for her.

At school, all the other kids get two snacks provided for them--we have to send not only lunch, but snacks as well (and we don't get a discount off of her tuition, of course). We have to buy expensive, gluten-free play-doh for the entire class, because dd can't use or be around kids using wheat-based play-dohs. If they do any crafts requiring pasta, we have to send in rice pasta for the entire class. We need to find and send non-perishable treats for the teacher to have on hand in case another kid is having a birthday.

I don't mean this as a "poor me" post--just a snippet of what it's like. We are extremely lucky that we are able to afford these things, although it isn't always easy, and we have to economize in other ways. Dd's school is nut-free, so we've never had to deal with parents struggling to provide alternative lunches. But if I knew a parent WAS struggling, I would gladly provide them with a jar of sunbutter each week in order to keep my kid safe and their kid fed.

What a great post. Thanks for giving us a little insight on what it's like on the other side. I've read many of your posts NYCVeg, about your allergic daugher. I am in awe of the wonderful things you do to protect her and help her feel included.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rightkindofme* 
I absolutely completely and totally understand peanut bans but people who are arguing in a hostile fashion against peanut butter are often doing so from a point of privilege and it would be nice if you at least understood that.

<snip>
I don't have to give my daughter peanut butter. But I recognize my luxury. Is it possible for other people to stop and consider theirs a little more?

There was no hostility in my posting.

Why is your understanding of peanut bans "better" than my understanding of peanut bans? Because you've lived in poverty and I haven't?

Peanut butter has only been around (in this country) for about 100 years. Plenty of poverty-stricken people managed to survive prior to its invention. Seems to me that _having_ peanut butter is the luxury, especially when so many _cannot_ have it due to deadly reactions.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
When your kid is the one with food allergies, the costs are enormous. A new epi-pen every year (more if you have to use one), at $99 a pop (that's WITH insurance coverage). The school needs an epi-pen, too, and Benadryl to have on hand. The amount of money I spend on specialty foods is staggering. Specialty flours, crackers, cereals, bread, rice pasta, you name it. We can't buy things like rice or millet from the cheaper bulk bins at the market, because of the high risk of contamination from nuts or wheat. Because US-grown oats tend to be contaminated with wheat, we need to buy the expensive Irish oatmeal if we want her to have that. We buy tons of out-of-season produce, because dd's diet is so limited that we need to build in variety any way we can. Egg replacer or flaxseed for baking--way more expensive than eggs. Then there are high-grade probiotics and vitamin D supplements to help improve her immunity. Any birthday party or event that we go to, we need to provide dd with her own food, so there are never any "freebies" for her.

At school, all the other kids get two snacks provided for them--we have to send not only lunch, but snacks as well (and we don't get a discount off of her tuition, of course). We have to buy expensive, gluten-free play-doh for the entire class, because dd can't use or be around kids using wheat-based play-dohs. If they do any crafts requiring pasta, we have to send in rice pasta for the entire class. We need to find and send non-perishable treats for the teacher to have on hand in case another kid is having a birthday.

I don't mean this as a "poor me" post--just a snippet of what it's like. We are extremely lucky that we are able to afford these things, although it isn't always easy, and we have to economize in other ways. Dd's school is nut-free, so we've never had to deal with parents struggling to provide alternative lunches. But if I knew a parent WAS struggling, I would gladly provide them with a jar of sunbutter each week in order to keep my kid safe and their kid fed.

Yes. I know. My niece has a potentially fatal peanut allergy. I don't live with her, but I've been dealing with this from an extended family standpoint for almost 16 years. I know what it's about.

The thing is, there are also parents of peanut allergic kids who _couldn't_ provide the sunbutter. My SIL never even wanted the school to do the peanut free thing that they did (not the same school as ds1, but they are the same age). My SIL has also bought _lots_ of bulk items, and crossed her fingers about cross-contamination.

I totally understand that parents of children with peanut allergies are dealing with a whole lot of issues that I don't have to deal with. The _only_ point I was trying to make in the first place is that _other_ parents can also be dealing with things that don't show on the surface. That's all.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
There was no hostility in my posting.

Why is your understanding of peanut bans "better" than my understanding of peanut bans? Because you've lived in poverty and I haven't?

Peanut butter has only been around (in this country) for about 100 years. Plenty of poverty-stricken people managed to survive prior to its invention. Seems to me that _having_ peanut butter is the luxury, especially when so many _cannot_ have it due to deadly reactions.

Plenty of poverty-stricken people have also been deficient in protein and other nutrients. In any case, there are treatments for allergic reactions that are available now and weren't available 100 years ago...that doesn't mean I'm going to say that it's a "luxury" that parents of children with potentially fatal allergies can buy an epi-pen. To compare what we have now with what was available 100 years ago, and say "it's a luxury that you have that" is true, in the broad sense. It's also a complete red herring. I also have electricity and running water. Those are definitely luxuries, as there are plenty of people in the world who have neither...but they're not a luxury in the usual sense of the word luxury - and neither is peanut butter.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I also have electricity and running water. Those are definitely luxuries, as there are plenty of people in the world who have neither...but they're not a luxury in the usual sense of the word luxury - and neither is peanut butter.

If peanut butter is not a luxury, then neither is food, in general.


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## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

Ive actually never had anyone offer DD1 anything other than stickers at WDW without asking me first. Definetly not anything food related. The few times someone wanted to give her something they asked me outside her hearing range first then offered it to her. That way if I didn't want her to have it she didn't hear anything about it. Maybe its where Im living right now (I live in Japan) but they seem to realize that its not a good idea to offer children food without their parents consent.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

My beef with the focus some schools have on peanut allergies is why single out that one allergen? Last time I checked people can and many do have life threatening allergies to all types of things. But you know what, no one ever bothered to ban dust, or cat hair, or peaches in schools. Heck, my highschool didn't even ban perfume and I can promise you it caused some big problems for at least one student who had multipul chemical sensitivities which are life threatening to her. So why keep the focus on just one allergy if the goal is to keep all kids safe.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
My beef with the focus some schools have on peanut allergies is why single out that one allergen? Last time I checked people can and many do have life threatening allergies to all types of things. But you know what, no one ever bothered to ban dust, or cat hair, or peaches in schools. Heck, my highschool didn't even ban perfume and I can promise you it caused some big problems for at least one student who had multipul chemical sensitivities which are life threatening to her. So why keep the focus on just one allergy if the goal is to keep all kids safe.

Because in most cases, peanut allergies ARE different. I'm saying this is the parent of a child who has an anaphylactic allergy to WHEAT (she's allergic to peanuts, too, but not to peanut dust). As I wrote on the other thread, peanut allergies are:
1) much more likely to be anaphylactic, 2) much more likely to cause shock by contact with microscopic particles (dust, trace), 3) far, far more unpredictable than other allergies--a peanut allergy can transform from "mild" to "life-threatening" with no warning whatsoever, and 4) less likely to be outgrown.

Dd can go into shock if she ingests wheat, but she only has surface reactions due to contact. For many kids with peanut allergies, walking into a room where someone ate peanuts the day before can kill them. Dd's school goes to great lengths to keep her safe--we provide all of her food, she eats on her own placemat, next to a teacher, and all of the kids are required to wash their hands after they eat. But a kid eating a cracker in the room won't hurt her, as long as she stays away from it.

There simply aren't that many kids who have peanut-like allergies to other foods (and, again, I say this as a parent with a severely food-allergic child--over a dozen allergies, many of them extremely serious). If there are, then those situations can be dealt with on a case-by-case basis, finding ways to keep the kids safe.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Well I speak as the friend of someone who ended up in the hospital with a sever reaction after agreeing to hold the coat of someone she didn't know had a cat.

So I guess those reasons don't cut it with me because I know (as I'm sure you do) that any allergy has the potential to be life threatening. One being more likely is no reason to ignore the others.


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## pokeyrin (Apr 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Well I speak as the friend of someone who ended up in the hospital with a sever reaction after agreeing to hold the coat of someone she didn't know had a cat.

So I guess those reasons don't cut it with me because I know (as I'm sure you do) that any allergy has the potential to be life threatening. One being more likely is no reason to ignore the others.

While I agree that any allergy has the potential to be life threatening especially food, bites and stings, I've never heard anyone dying from an allergic reaction to cats and I have several friends who are allergic to cats and own cats.

My cousin's son doesn't have a severe peanut allergy where they need to carry epi-pens, but at a family reunion he accidentally ate a cookie that touched another cookie that had peanuts in it and his whole face swelled up really bad and he had trouble breathing and we ran for the Benadryl. It was really upsetting to witness that.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Well I speak as the friend of someone who ended up in the hospital with a sever reaction after agreeing to hold the coat of someone she didn't know had a cat.

So I guess those reasons don't cut it with me because I know (as I'm sure you do) that any allergy has the potential to be life threatening. One being more likely is no reason to ignore the others.

Well, there's no way to ban cat hair from schools, unless you ban people from having cats at home.

If there's a kid who has an anaphylactic allergy to traces/dust from other schools, then, yes, the school will probably have to find a way to accommodate it. And I wonder how many instances people know of where schools have completely banned other foods. Because I'm pretty well immersed in the food-allergic community and I haven't ever heard of it happening. Anaphylactic allergies to airborne particles of foods other than nuts are extremely rare--not impossible, but extremely rare. The extreme rareness of those allergies mean that they need to be dealt with on a case-by-case basis and that it is highly unlikely that whole school districts will be banning, say, strawberries. So the "slippery slope" argument doesn't cut it with ME, because it's just not happening, despite the hysteria from those who can't bear to imagine Junior enduring lunch without PB&J.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

There have been cases when schools have said that their students aren't even allowed to eat peanut products at home because of peanut allergies. We had a school in our area that tried to do that. There are people on both sides who try to cross the line into controlling what other people do at home.

And sorry, but rare is no reason to ignore it. People have died because "rare" wasn't even on the radar.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pokeyrin* 
While I agree that any allergy has the potential to be life threatening especially food, bites and stings, I've never heard anyone dying from an allergic reaction to cats and I have several friends who are allergic to cats and own cats.

You should come for a visit. I can introduce you to someone who has to severly limit contact with extended family because most of them have cats and she has had a close call because of that allergy.

DH has mild allergies and he can handle a certain amount of what he's allergic too, but that doesn't mean that I am going to say to everyone who has the same allergy "Well I've never heard of anyone dying from being allergic to X allergen and I know someone who has/eats X who is allergic to it."

Also see my above post because that sort of statement is _exactly_ what I was talking about.


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## pokeyrin (Apr 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
You should come for a visit. I can introduce you to someone who has to severly limit contact with extended family because most of them have cats and she has had a close call because of that allergy.

DH has mild allergies and he can handle a certain amount of what he's allergic too, but that doesn't mean that I am going to say to everyone who has the same allergy "Well I've never heard of anyone dying from being allergic to X allergen and I know someone who has/eats X who is allergic to it."

Also see my above post because that sort of statement is _exactly_ what I was talking about.

I see your point and it's excessive if they are trying to stop people from eating peanut butter at home. I would have no problem packing my child a peanut-free lunch either.


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