# Can you give me examples of shaming?



## thatblondegirl (Jan 16, 2008)

i wonder if i do this. i'm sure i have slipped up and said some things that i shouldn't have. but i am fuzzy on what EXACTLY would constitute shaming.

can you guys give me some examples?

thanks!


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## SophieAnn (Jun 26, 2007)

I think this is one (please ppl tell me if I'm wrong).

This I witnessed as a spectator at a community recreational soccer game.

Mother and children are watching father play soccer. Boy aged approx 4 I would guess has an accident and poops his pants (I'm not aware there was any sort of washroom facilities at the soccer field). Boy has poop running down his legs (wearing shorts).

The mother is audibly frustrated and embarassed I'm sure, but rather than swiftly moving to the minivan to try to figure out how to clean the poor kid up she whines and complains and makes a scene.

"Why would you do that?!?! You're a big boy!!!"

"I am not happy with you right now!"

"Oh, that is soooo gross!"

"When you need to go potty, you tell me! You don't do this! You're a big boy!"

"UGHHHH!!! I don't even have any wipes! I don't carry wipes, because you're a big boy!!!"

"UGHHHH! Gross!"

This goes on and on for like 5-10 minutes at the sidelines of the soccer game. The poor kid is standing there with poop running down his legs the whole time. Then finally they go to their car, the kid walking funny trying not to make it worse the whole way there.

I think I would constitute this as shaming. Yes?


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## nummies (Jun 9, 2007)

I see this all the time with my uncle's girlfriend's children. They make a mistake (i.e. splashing in a puddle, dropping and breaking a toy, accident with the potty, etc) and she screams at them. "You are a bad girl. I can't believe you. You are so bad. Such an awful, nasty little girl. Why did you do that?!" Then she goes on to spanking and pulling them around by their arms. They are 16 months and 3 years. It is really sad.


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## cotopaxi (Sep 17, 2007)

Here's an article:
http://nospank.net/grille3.htm
quote from the article:
"Shame is designed to cause children to curtail behaviour through negative thoughts and feelings about themselves. It involves a comment - direct or indirect - about what the child is. Shaming operates by giving children a negative image about their selves - rather than about the impact of their behaviour."

Name-calling or labeling with something negative - "Don't be such a crybaby" or "You're a whiner." I remember my friend's mom once saying to my friend (maybe age 11?) not to eat any more cookies because "boys don't like fat girls."

_Deliberately_ scolding a child in public or in front of friends _in order to embarass them_.

Literally saying "shame on you" or "you should be ashamed of yourself." Milder but can still cause feelings of shame: "What were you thinking? Look what you did!"

Mockingly immitating the child "wah-wah-wah - that's how you sound when you whine. Do you like the way that sounds? Well, that's what you sound like."

The most common one I hear is telling a child that what he/she is doing is for babies or like a baby -"that's how a little baby acts - are you a baby? I thought you were a big boy, but I guess you're just a little baby." I see this particularly when they have potty accidents or cry or throw tantrums.


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## peacefulmomma (Sep 5, 2008)

Shaming is whenever you are trying to make your DC feel bad about themselves because of a behavior.
Saying things like:
Big kids don't do that
Only babies do that
That's not how _we_ do that


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

oh, i have caught myself shaming my kids before and i hate it! i try to be very in tune with myself to keep from falling into the dark pit. it can be so subtle in how you shame a child, yet completely damaging to them. when i've caught myself shaming ....it is mostly in the tone of my voice. for example, if your child does something they shouldn't have (even by accident) ... like spilling something on the couch, for example ...you may _say_ "it's no big deal" ....but yet, your tone is dripping with disappointment or frustration. also, you might then clean up the mess like it's a real "chore" for you to do so.... and if your child offers to help clean up - you say, "no thanks" ...which makes the child feel even more guilty. of course shaming can come with direct statements to make a child feel bad, but most often i've witnessed people shame in a more indirect way. it's something parents need to really tune into imo. shaming is so damaging.


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## thefragile7393 (Jun 21, 2005)

I can give you a great example of one that my own dh did







: Ds is still PL'ing and peed everywhere around his toilet but not IN his toilet. Why? Who knows....he finds it fascinating how he can aim his pee now. Dh yelled at him and asked him if he was "mental," and if he needed a diaper. Bs like that.


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## hattifattener (Jan 10, 2008)

Hmmmm... I would agree with most of these. Two of the examples mentioned, though, I say myself, as they strike me as factual rather than shaming.

1. "That's not how we do that" (If DD is shovelling mac and cheese with hands rather than a fork- she's 4)

2. "I'm not happy with you right now" (If DD is hitting me or something like that. She often says the same thing to me, when she feels I'm out of line in some way. Nobody's happy with each other 100% of the time, and that's fine.)

If these things are said in a calm and loving tone of voice, then...


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