# I birthed my baby today



## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

I think it would help me to share my "birth story." I looked forward to it when I found out I was pg, but not many people will be interested in hearing it now, so I will share it here if no one minds.

I found about my miscarriage on Monday through an ultrasound. Today, after being in my body for 11 1/2 weeks, my baby and I separated.

I was scheduled for a D&C at 1pm today. I was scared out of mind and really wanted to just wait for the baby to decide when it was ready to leave me, but I also knew that with a 3 1/2 yo that a D&C might be a better option.

On Wednesday, I had a talk with the baby. I told him that I will always love him and will think of him all the time and that some day we will be together but that there are lots of family waiting to meet him and love him and a great cat named Oreo to play with and that I need him to let go.

On Thursday I started spotting quite a bit.

At 3am, I woke up to pee and in the dim light of the bathroom I saw my tiny mucus plug. I felt some light contractions and some pain on the right side of my abdomen (I think from the baby squishing my intestines). There was a thunderstorm and I didn't sleep much after that, just dozed.

At 5am, I woke up to stronger pain in my abdomen, went to use the bathroom and knew I made a mistake because I felt unstable standing, but I had to pee so I went anyway. I finished just in time becasue I started to feel myself passing out. I made to the floor of my bedroom and scared my husband awake. I explained to him that I wasn't bleeding, just scared from the pain. I crawled back to bed and laid there. I felt like pushing, but assumed it was from needing to pass gas, which I did, but didn't think anymore of it since the contractions were light. I drifted off to sleep wondering if my water would actually break in this situation.

At 8am, I woke up to dd waking up for the morning and asking to nurse. I realize my backside was soaking wet. I guess my water does break in this situation. I could feel something dripping out of me on a regular basis. I nursed my daughter calmly. When she was done, dh woke up. I discretely told him to bring her downstairs and to come back to help me. When he came back, he helped me up and I could feel something big trying to slide out of me. I was a little scared, but kept calm. When I got to the bathroom, my pad was soaked in blood and the placenta fell out. I wonder if my baby was still in it or somewhere a part of the blood on the pad.

I stayed in the bathroom for two hours with dh bringing me cold water and buttered toast to keep up my strength. He went to the store with dd to get overnight pads and Advil.

During the whole event, believe it or not, I was in euphoria because I wasn't going to have to do the D&C. I thanked my baby and the powers that be over and over again. I really didn't know how terrified I was of that procedure. I think if I had to do it, I would have been shaking and most likely hysterical and possibly passing out.

I think that because I was able to say goodbye before today was most important and it made the process bearable. I actually felt like I had a taste of the homebirth I had always wanted. Strange, I know. I can't imagine how women who have no warning survive something like this.

The most comforting part was when, after going back to bed, I got up for the first time since the birth. I sat up slowly, looked out my window and down below was a cat that looked almost exactly like my cat Oreo who died just 2 months ago. I have come to believe that she died to take care of my baby. I consider seeing this cat a sign that what I believe is true.

As far as something like this goes, it went well. The bleeding started tapering off fairly quickly. I experienced little pain. It happened in perfect timing. My dd didn't get traumatized in any way. My husband didn't have to see me in an a hospital setting. I didn't have to leave my house. I got to see everything that came out. I felt taken care of by those who passed before me.

Right now, I am in a good place, but I have obsticles ahead. I have yet to be in a social setting post-miscarriage. There are still people who don't know. On the day we found out, good friends of ours called announcing the birth of their first child. They wanted us to come see her this weekend. I'm not ready, but they don't know yet about our misfortune. And then, there are the anniversaries, the moments when we will get insensitive comments, and the looming decision of trying again.

But for now, my baby left me today and that's all I can handle.

Thanks for reading and sharing in my moment.


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## Maple Leaf (Apr 10, 2004)

Coleslaw, you are a brave and strong woman. You did what was best for you and your baby. I m/c two weeks ago today. Mother's Day week end! I did it at home with DH. I passed my baby in two peices. I was 8 weeks. I am feeling a lot better and more or less physically healed. Emotionally, I'm on the road to healing and have good days and bad days, but more good than bad.

Allow yourself to greive and take as long as you need it. Take it easy on your body too. It went through a lot. Nourish and care for it, even if you don't feel like it.

I am so sorry you had to go through this and so sorry for the lost of your baby. It is not fair!

Please take good care of yourself. I give you lots of









If you need to talk please write back. I'll check back!


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)




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## GoodWillHunter (Mar 14, 2003)




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## mamacrab (Sep 2, 2002)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. Thank you for sharing your story with us.


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## chiromama (Dec 29, 2003)

Nothing but







and







for you. thank you for sharing your story. We're all here for you when you need us!


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## MamaSoleil (Apr 24, 2002)

What a beautiful story Coleslaw. You are a beautiful mother.
Much strength to you


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

coleslaw, what a beautiful birth story - thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry you lost your precious child.

Please take care of yourself; make sure to keep hydrated and eat foods high in iron. Take the rest you feel you need now and know we're here to listen


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

oh Coleslaw. Hugs to you.


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## SamuraiEarthMama (Dec 3, 2002)

coleslaw, congratulations on a beautiful homebirth. you did great, and you gave your precious baby the gentlest and kindest birthing you could under the circumstances.

we have very similar stories, and i understand what you mean about feeling good now. i just want you to know that the birth "high" only lasts a few days... you do need to take very good care of yourself now, and be very patient with yourself if and when you get the postpartum blues. they hit me pretty hard about a week later, and i was surprised at how difficult things got.

we'll be here to listen... and thank you so much for sharing your baby's birth story. take care,

katje


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## applejuice (Oct 8, 2002)

Dear coleslaw:

Thank you for this story.

Even though this is the story of a m/c, you handled it as much as you could, and you were in complete control; you "birthed" your baby as much as you could, you were in complete control, and your dh and child are still intact, not traumatized from the situation. It is a loss that is a spiritual gain for you.

I have had many tragedies in my life, but m/c is not one of them.

If an m/c was to be an experience that life would deliver to me, I would want it to be as "evolved" as yours was.










Thank you for sharing this. You are a tremendous person and mother to share such a story.


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## Boobiemama (Oct 2, 2002)

Thank you for sharing your story. I wish I handled my miscarriage as gracefully as you.
((hugs))


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## bonbon mama (May 16, 2003)

i am sending hugs your way. i, too got immense comfort from having conversations with my babies after they died. i gave them permission to move on but i invited their spirits to visit me. my heart/prayers are with you tonight.


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## weetzie (May 29, 2003)

s

Thank you for sharing your birth story with us


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Thank you for sharing so selflessly...







...to your baby and us.


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## pugmadmama (Dec 11, 2003)

Thank you for sharing your story here. I'm so sorry that your baby died.


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## Ruth (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so sorry .... but also am in awe of your strength.

Peace to all of you who have lost loved children this way.


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## CraftyMommaOf2 (Mar 23, 2004)

I just wanted to tell you that how beautiful that was, mama. That you were able to connect so truly with your dear babe before he let go. Please do take care of yourself. Even tho you were selfless in your birthing, don't be now. Wishing peace for you, mama.


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

I am so sorry about your babe..i hope you find peace and healing.


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

There is nothing harder than losing your child. Much love to you and your family. Please be gentle with yourself.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

That was beautiful Coleslaw. You already know my feelings about the "reasons" we loose pets and loved ones together and I agree, I think Oreo was telling you it would all be fine. I think the spirits of our pets and babies are connected, I know that my Havoc and Scout have always told me I was pregnant before a test ever showed positive.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss, but glad that you got to have a peaceful home delivery instead of a traumatic hospital experience. Lots of (((HUGS)))


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## lilmiss'mama (Mar 8, 2002)




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## DarkHorseMama (Mar 8, 2003)

Big hugs, coleslaw. I am glad you were able to have the m/c on your terms, and that of your spirit baby, rather than at the clinical alternative. I, too, had a m/c at home and felt much in the way that you described. It was a birth and a loss at the same time. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to rest and come to terms with your passing.


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## Cranberry (Mar 18, 2002)

Lots of hugs







s to you.


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## purplegirl (Apr 5, 2004)

Thank you for sharing what I can only imagine to be a difficult experience.


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## ggma (Apr 20, 2004)

Coleslaw, you birthed your babes to spirit with grace, full lovings, and openness. Peace to all of you... ggma.


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## hmpc2 (Jul 1, 2003)

What a beautiful birth story....thank you for sharing it with us. Hugs to you these coming days and weeks as you adjust to your loss.


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