# Lets talk about "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline"



## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

I've just started reading and practicing "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" by Becky Bailey. I love it. Any other fans out there? I have so many ideals about parenting and so often fall short. I think this book might be the answer to my prayers. I really want the Love and Composure she talks about to become integrated into my life. I have a long way to go, but I believe her tools might actually work for me. I just need to stick with it. I think a discussion forum would really help me.

Any others out there who've been working with the 7 powers who could share their experience? I would love for this to be a safe place where we could share our triumphs as well as our lose it moments, and we could gently encourage each other. Any takers? Other mamas who have tried to practice this, are interested, or have really made this a part of your life, I could really use your experiences and support!


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

She's my hero. I'll post later when I have more time.


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

Thanks lovebeads. Looking forward to your post.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

I love her, too. I've heard that one should be wary of any "one" book that promises it all, but I have to say this book comes as close to perfect as I can imagine.

The only problem is that I need to DO what it says . . .to be mindful, to practice, practice, practice.

I have never done the actual practice part at the end, and I think that would help tremendously. As soon as I'm done with this







master's portfolio! (I'm hoping next week!)

Anyway, I'd love more discussions on this!


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## Nelybel (Oct 16, 2003)

I'd love to talk about this book as well. I'm just beginning to re-read it as we speak. I have to confess that when I read it the first time I was put off by her writing 'voice'. However, I did really like the concepts. Now that I'm reading it again I'm not sure what I objected to the first time. Maybe its because I'm finding the information so much more applicable now that my child is a toddler. Before it was just sort of hypothetical cause he was an infant when I read it the first time.

I think the emphasis on the parents behavior and choices is key. But, scary as well. That means I've actually got to do some work and not just parent reactively. !!

Looking forward to what others have to say.
J


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

I have been wondering about this book for a while, and you all have made me decide to reserve it from the library- thanks for the reviews, mamas!


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

I just ordered "I love you rituals" by Bailey. I can't wait to get it, I'll let you know how it was. SHe also has done a bunch of children's books that I want to get next - I think the title character is Shubert.

When I started reading her book, I loved the analogy she used of being at a crossroads: you have to decide whether to discipline with fear or with love and cooperation. It was an obvious choice but I loved how she put it because I often think about how it separates positive discipline from traditional discipline.

"What you focus on you get more of". Those were definitely words that changed a whole lot of things I did in my life and not just discipline. I see that so clearly with so many other things. If you focus on negativity, you get more of it. If you focus on being judgmental, you get more of it. If you focus on peace and harmony, you get more of it. It makes so much sense but it has become my mantra. I remember how I used to say to my DD "please stop whining" and realized after reading this book that I was focusing on whining instead of focusing on changing the behavior.

I think the book was meaningful for me because it was so much more to me than a discipline book, it was very wholistic and made me take stock of myself and how I wanted to live, the temperament of my home and all of my other relationships.


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

I too love "What you focus on you get more of." I've been thinking about it a lot as I've started reading the book this week. And it really does seem to help. The other things that are helping a lot are trying to remember that every conflict moment is a teaching moment. I am also trying to own my own my own upset. This is a biggie for me. I don't generally use words like, "You make me...", but I do have that attitude sometimes. What I am really yearning for is Composure. I am trying to to breathe and remind myself, "You can choose to see this situation differently", but sometimes its really tough. Like this morning...

Getting ds to choose to get dressed in the morning is our biggest challenge at the moment. We always ask him to choose his own clothes and pretty much let him wear whatever he wants even if its not really appropriate to the weather (I just grab a sweater or something), but still he almost never wants to come and choose. Sometimes I'll say we can go to park when you can get dressed, and if he doesn't, we don't go. But sometimes, like this morning, we have an appointment and just have to go. So sometimes I'll say, You can choose or I'll choose. And if he still won't choose, I get some clothes and bring them over to him, but invariably he doesn't like what I've chosen. Sometimes at that point he'll go over and choose himself, but then I feel like I'm not sticking with the choices/consequences I've stated. Anyway to make a long story short, this morning he was really involved in a game about being a bear. I tried to acknowledge what he was doing, and engage in the game a little before asking him to get dressed. Then I told him to choose or I would choose. I tried to give him time to find completion. I suggested that after he got dressed he could be a Koala going down the steps. I asked him what we could do to make it fun. But he kept hiding. I tried to get him to come out. I asked if I could get him dressed when I found him. I basically tried every idea I could think of to avoid a power struggle, but he was intent on not getting dressed. And I felt it was time to go. I guess natural consequences would have been taking him out to the car naked on a cold, windy day, but I just wasn't willing to go with that. So when he didn't like the clothes I chose, he said he would choose his own, but I stuck to my word, and said that since he had been unwilling to choose, he had to wear what I had chosen (probably a bad idea). Basically a major power struggle ensued, and I ended up losing it, yelling, and basically forcing him to get his clothes on. We both were pretty upset. We made it out of the house, but then I had to stop the car to make up. Bad morning









I get the idea of shifting from getting your child to do something, to trying to make it more likely for them to choose it, but what happens when you've tried every creative positive discipline idea you can think of and they don't choose it, and something just has to be done. How do I maintain composure in these situations? Anybody else had the getting dressed issue? Aargh! Would love ideas or encouragement.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Harmonymama, just remember that one of Bailey's thoughts on something like that is that there is NO such thing as complete cooperation/peace/whatever. For example, she says that with toddlers, if they cooperate even 50% of the time, it's a miracle.

I think a lot about this because it reminds me that sometimes, people (like me!) just get in a bad mood and nothing will change it. Sometimes, people (like me!) just don't want to do what they're supposed to do and get really frustrated because of it. I'm thisclose to finishing my final project for my master's and I DETEST every last minute of it. It's hard to get myself to do it, even though I know the light at the end of the tunnel is so close . . .and I'm supposedly an adult.

So, like you said, concentrate on what you want more of . . .but it doesn't mean bad days won't happen!


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

harmony...in the words of Becky Bailey, "what you focus on you get more of."







You are focusing on giving him a choice for putting on clothes, you are focusing on giving him the ability to decide what he is wearing and when he is going to put it on and how he is going to put it on. Too many choices I think, it might be time to pull back on them and let him make more benign choices.

Here's a way to start: first, how about he decides what he wants to wear the night before? Lillian Vernon sells these really cute clothes organizers. It hangs in the closet and has little compartments for each day of the week. You can help him plan his week (or just the next day).

Next, make a game out of getting dressed. DD's favorite was when I would say "do you think you can get dressed before I get out of the shower?" and she loved the challenge. If he's too young to get dressed by himself then challenge in other ways: Do you think mommy can get your shirt on before she counts to 10? Can you hold your socks while I put your pants on? We need to put this shirt on so we can dance across the floor and put on our pants - hurry! Can you sing "Twinkle Twinkle" while I put your pants on?

You get the idea, just try to make it as fun for him as possible and give him a "role" so that he is participating.

He sounds a bit overwhelmed with the idea of choosing his clothes so maybe you can let him choose one thing like the shirt and you choose the pants.

Another idea is to hold up two things that *you* might want to wear and say, "DS, I'm going to choose your clothes and you're going to choose mine. Which sweater should I wear?" and let him choose clothes for you.

I think that if he is showing reluctance to choose then you need to pare down his choices between two things. I found that my DD did not want to make choices - she is much more comfortable with me choosing for her. I really didn't start off with her this way but it became apparent that she just didn't want to make the decisions. I choose her clothes every day (she'll be 5 in two weeks) and almost all of her meals. I'd be happy to let her make choices but she isn't ready. Sometimes she'll do it if I offer her a choice of two different things but a lot of times even that will overwhelm her.


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

Thanks so much guys. Your support and ideas are really helpful. I'm going to try to get more proactive about the whole getting dressed problem, and work on some simple, creative routines. I'll also try to relax and accept the bad days. I really appreciate the encouragement.

Anybody want to share "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" success stories?


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## nycapmom (Jan 30, 2005)

I read her I Love You Rituals book and it was ok. I just got a copy of Easy To Love..... and noticed she hasn't got children of her own (at least there isn't mention of any in the profile) Not saying folks without children can't give good advice but it does remind me of going to a male OB, yk?

I do hope Easy To Love is helpful


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## hvl25 (Jan 28, 2003)

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/easytolove-group/

i joined this group hoping it would make me read the book. I still haven't







i don't get much reading time, i really need to push myself to get this one read.

heather


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## Mommay (Jul 29, 2004)

I just got this book, but have not started yet. I would love to talk about it though once I get started.


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

hvl25- thanks for the link!


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

An update, I really think the ELDD powers are beginning to work for me. Positive choices are working miraculously well. I'll feel myself readying for a major anticipated power struggle. Then I remind myself to give two positive choices and repeat them calmly and positively until he complies. It's amazing! I'm just sure he's not going to comply, and then he does!







Maybe not quite as quick as i wanted him to, but then I realize how unrealistic my expectations sometimes are, and how often I initiate the power struggle LOL.

Also, trying to see conflicts as teaching moments is really helping me to stay calm and be creative. Good thing, because ds1 is going through a period of desequilibrium, not wanting anyone to be his boss phase.

I'm almost finished with the book, and I'm really working on "Noticing"/changing my praise language, and empathy. Anyone want to share practice stories? And what about those success stories? Come on guys!

Also, I've been thinking a lot about how she apparently doesn't have kids (as someone else on this post pointed out). I have some really mixed feelings about that, because I really don't think you know what its like until you've been through it. Teaching composure, when you've never done 24/7, or stayed awake 3 nights covered in vomit with a sick kid? But, miraculously, I'm still finding a lot of wisdom in her words, hmmm...


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## Nelybel (Oct 16, 2003)

I'm also noticing some improvement as I attempt to apply what I'm learning from the book. I think a lot of it has to do with me feeling more calm and recognizing that I have a 'plan' of sorts for dealing with ds's various unpleasant behaviors.

One of the skills I'm finding most helpful is the assertive voice. As I use it, I'm quite surprised at how many times I start to use a passive voice (making a request instead of clearly stating what I want/need.) Interesting. I'm also much more aware of my husbands frequent use of the passive voice and am noticing how ineffective it seems to be. But if I make a clear, calm statement of what needs to happen, accompanied by hand motions...it usually works. It might take 5 repetitions....but it works. :->

I'm very struck by the chapter on appropriate praise and it makes more and more sense to me as I think about it. I'm someone who always tries to please (first child, etc.) and I do think that different ways of affirming me as a child might have helped. Its so hard not to say "good job" all the time though. I was also really struck by her suggestion that you should really affirm and appropriately praise a child when they cooperate...even if it took 16 tries and much difficulty to do it. (Something about if a toddler cooperates even 50 percent of the time its a big and good deal). Makes me realize how often I just take the helpful, pleasant behavior for granted.

The thing I'm having the most difficulty with is that whole 'what you pay attention to, you get the most of'. (sorry - really bad grammar there). When ds suddenly wallups the baby I don't have a clue what words to use. Somehow calmly stating "the baby needs to be safe and happy" doesn't quite seem to cut it. Any thoughts? However, I think the concept has real merit. Just am not sure (in a practical way) how to implement it.

Are we sure she doesn't have kids? Maybe she just wants to keep that info out of the mix. I meant to do a google search and see if I could find out but haven't had the time. I agree to feeling a little uncomfortable with advice that doesn't come from a been there-done that perspective. (Especially now that I have kids and realize how clueless I was before). On the other hand, I like the developmental stages information and that seems to be appropriate and useful whether or not she has had kids of her own.

Final thought/question. Its bugging me that I'm trying to respond to ds in this thoughtful, respectful, blah-blah manner and that my dh is more irritable sounding and wanting to use a punitive (time outs) approach. Am not sure how to approach him without him getting defensive. Am guessing I'll need to apply some of the skills the author talks about. (Seems like the info would be useful for dealing with any age group.) I'm just not feeling rested enough for any big discussion about this (and when would we have the time?). Anyone else struggling with this?

J


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Just want to respond to the part about the author possibly not having children . . .this doesn't bother me. Personally, I get a lot of reassurances that "every mom" loses it/isn't patient sometimes and it's OK.

However, I like the fact that while the author doesn't say I'm a horrible parent for doing so, ultimately it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to choose how I act, _every time_ I act. I feel like it's a matter-of-fact, tough love approach. This helps me when I'm in the moment, remember that I'm the adult and no, it's actually NOT okay to behave how I'd "like" to behave (like a child!).

Again, I don't find the author's tone critical, but rather just telling it like it is . . .that I always have a choice in how I react. This is something I would love to pass on to my DD, and as the author says, it starts with me as a parent.


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## Nelybel (Oct 16, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius*
. . .that I always have a choice in how I react. This is something I would love to pass on to my DD, and as the author says, it starts with me as a parent.

I love this in what she says as well. My mom used to always say that we have the power to choose our reaction in any given situation. I thought I understood what she meant but it has only been in recent years that I've really begun to process what that concept is all about. And now that I have kids, I'm really starting to learn. :->

I agree. I want to pass this philosophy on to my kids and as the author says....I can't teach it unless I can live it. As helpful as the book is in dealing with children...I think its most significant contribution has to do with my own self-discipline.

J


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

I was also really struck by her suggestion that you should really affirm and appropriately praise a child when they cooperate...even if it took 16 tries and much difficulty to do it. (Something about if a toddler cooperates even 50 percent of the time its a big and good deal). Makes me realize how often I just take the helpful, pleasant behavior for granted.
\
J[/QUOTE]

I hear you, Nelybel! I'm amazed by how often I ignore/take for granted the helpful, pleasant behavior, now that I am trying to Notice it. I'm also not big on praise, so I didn't want to be praising him all the time, but I hadn't figured out the alternative. I had been you using, "Thank you for...", as that is what my husband and I say to each other, but I'm beginning to agree with Bailey's idea that this takes the focus off the child and onto pleasing ME. Thank you has a different connotation with kids than adults I guess. The last couple of days, I've been trying to really notice/see my son throughout the son, particularly for his helpful,pleasant, generous behaviors. I am amazed how much thought and practice it takes to use descriptive rather than judging language. I have to choose to summon some creative energy in order to do it, and sometimes it still sounds haulting/ artificial to my ears, but DS responds beautifully! I'm finding that it also helps me to remember all the times throughout that DS is pleasant and kind! Then when he does something really rude and nasty, I can keep it in perspective and not take it personally or overreact. She doesn't mention this benefit in the book, but I think its a biggie for me. Using her appropriate praise seems to be creating a more positive environment in our home, and helping us all feel happier and more at peace. I can see its really going to take a while for me to make these behaviors a habit for myself, so keep this thread coming


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

Didn't get to finish that last post, because of waking baby, but also wanted to say, I don't really care much either whether she has kids, I've just been wondering. Either way, her approach is so right on, I love it!

Nelybel, sounds like a tough situation with your DH. I'd say mostly just keep up focusing on what you want more of: POSITIVE, LOVING Home. As you change, and your DS feels that positivity, your DH will feel it too. On the other hand, consistency between the two of you in parenting IS important! Perhaps you can compromise, and maybe get him to read the book (I'm still working on my dh







) Maybe you can agree that certain very serious offenses merit an occasional time-out temporarily, as you are both learning better ways of doing things. If DH is trying to be more severe to compensate for what he views as permissiveness on your part, that is a bad situation for your DS. I think time outs have their place. Namely, if a parent can calmly send a child for a time out, rather than losing it, than that is a better alternative. We are really trying to decrease our use of time outs, but I still use them occasionally to help us all cool down. Sometimes the whole family will have a time out together, with us all sitting on separate chairs in the same room. DS really likes this!


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Wow, this is amazing. I just got this book from the library day before yesterday, and then I noticed this thead. Yippee!

I'm loving this book as well. I thought I'd read all the GD books and heard it all, and I was just going to read this so I could add to my library list, but wow I am really learning alot. Okay, and some of it is a bit depressing b/c I thought I was doing pretty well, lol.

I am a big "good job!" mama. Oh dear. And I also shudder to admit that I use the please and thank yous for "commands" and I never realized it, but Bailey is exactly right that all it says is you are doing it for ME. So I'm going to be really working hard on the praise thing.

I agree the writing style was a bit off-putting at first, sort of reads like a how-to manual, and there is almost a "sales pitch" tone to it. I'm also struggling to memorize the "seven steps to everything", lol. But what she SAYS is just so bang-on that I was immediately able to put aside the tone and hear what she is saying. I think that the hardest part for me is also going to be the practising part.

I was happy to see that I am doing some things right. And it is true that alot of these rules are applicable to spouses. DH and I always try to use "I" statements when we are upset, and dont' resort to "you never..." or "you always...".

I guess my biggest problem is knowing what the problem is in a moment of crisis. Remember her example of the little kid spitting on the big kid's pizza? Well if that were me I probably wouldn't have guessed he did it b/c he wanted the big kid to pay attention to him or play with him, so how could I have followed through the way she did in the example? Just yesterday DD was having a playdate and sometimes I'd find myself sitting there wanting to use all my "tools" and I didn't even know what the problem was (and 2.5 year olds often don't know either). So that's the part I'm having trouble with right now. I try to rehearse situations but most of them take me by surprise and I find myself uncharacteristically at a loss for words as I think "what would becky do"? <giggle>

but i do love love this book and think it's a great 1st GD book for anybody who is new to it, don't you agree?


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Piglet68*
I am a big "good job!" mama. Oh dear.

I guess my biggest problem is knowing what the problem is in a moment of crisis.

RE: The good job thing . . .Alfie Kohn (see my siggy) is a great resource for breaking this and really understanding "why" it's not a good idea. He has a new book out (there's another thread about it) that is next on my list!

As far as not knowing what the problem is, I hear you! I think that as long as you attribute it to some positive intent, you don't have to be 100% accurate. In other words, instead of saying "That was a mean thing to do," you think of SOME reason that you can understand why the child did it (for a positive reason or at least an understandable one) even if it's not really why. Esp. since your DD is verbal, that can be the starting off point to figure out why while being supportive.


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

Piglet 68- I'm with you on the thank yous. I use them a lot, but it is starting to make a lot of sense how thank you takes the focus off my child and onto pleasing ME. I've also been on the fence about Good Job, but now I'm convinced.

Mizelenius- I'm working at trying to remember to attribute positive intent. I think I'm so used to attributing negative intent consciously and unconsciously that it is really going to take a thought shift. Mizelenius, how did you start making this a habit? Also, I read your "5 Reasons to Stop Saying Good Job". I love it. One thing I'm still wondering about is Becky Bailey's encouragement to increase my "noticing"/descriptive positive feedback. As she admits, this is still praise. Alfie Kohn, also suggests descriptive responses, but suggests saying nothing is better, or asking questions. Do I increase positive descriptive feedback or decrease? Where are others at with this?


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harmonymama*
Mizelenius- I'm working at trying to remember to attribute positive intent. I think I'm so used to attributing negative intent consciously and unconsciously that it is really going to take a thought shift. Mizelenius, how did you start making this a habit?

I'm still a work-in-progress as far as that is concerned! Just about an hour ago, DD started kicking my sister's door as we were leaving her house. I asked, "Why are you doing that??!! Why are you kicking the door??" As soon as we got to the car, I realized what I'd just done, and I apologized to DD, telling her that what I said wasn't very helpful AT ALL. While I couldn't figure out her intent, I did tell her that next time I'd just say "Please stop kicking the door" or "Keep your feet on the ground." (I can't completely get away from "please.") So, since it's not a habit yet, I figure I'll correct my mistakes right away in the meantime!

Quote:

Alfie Kohn, also suggests descriptive responses, but suggests saying nothing is better, or asking questions. Do I increase positive descriptive feedback or decrease? Where are others at with this?
I don't think any GD stuff should sound scripted, so that's why I'd suggest you start from where you are at. Personally, I can't say nothing UNLESS DD says nothing. For example, if she's busy and happily practicing a task (w/o saying anything) then I let her be. If she's telling me something (which she usually is . . .not-stop talker here) then I respond. I wouldn't not respond to an adult!

The feeback I tend to use is enthusiastic/encouraging without a heavy dose of judgment. DD seems very satisfied when I say "You did it!" or "That's true!" or even "Uh-huh!" I have to read Alfie Kohn's latest to see what else he says . . .Ultimately, though, I think kids really know when we are present with them. . .if we are distracted by anything, they KNOW. And usually, I think just being truly present with them is enough. But, that's something I have to work on!


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

Thanks Mizelenius, your input is really helpful!


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

So I was reading the part about ascribing positive intentions to your child's behaviours. And I had a question to throw out to you guys. As I mentioned before, one of the problems I have is feeling like I'm not able to accurately assess a situation, not able to figure out why my DD just did the thing she did. And often she is unable to tell me herself, and must look to me to help her find words for it. Now reading the last few posts, I'm wondering...do you think that ascribing ANY positive intent would actually be beneficial, even if that wasn't the child's actual intent?

I'm not saying I think my child has negative intentions, I actually don't believe kids do things just to be evil, kwim? But I've been afraid to "guess wrong" when my child is upset over something and I don't know what it is. Maybe I should just pick a positive intent and go with that? Maybe she would at least be able to tell me "no" if I get it wrong?

Here's another dilemma: the "recipe" for helping a child who, say, gets pushed by another involves teaching the child to use words "Stop. I don't like being pushed." Well that seems very reasonable to say to a kid that just pushed you, but what if it's a more benign situation? sometimes the simple phrases we give them to say sound a bit rude. i guess maybe i need to adjust my thinking. maybe i'm stuck in a mindset of not wanting to offend others (I'm passive that way, which i realized reading this book!). maybe i need to focus more on accepting that very young children just need words, and can work on the delivery when they are older. what do you think?

also, there are some situations where i tell dd what to say and she says it, but the response doesn't go her way. Like the other day we were at the playground and dd was sharing some of her toys with a friend. He went to pick up one that she decided she didn't want to share and she screamed at him and then cried. I said "you are sharing your toys, but you want to keep this one for yourself. tell K "I want to play with this toy" and then of course K says "I want to play with that toy, too" and they are both crying. so i asked dd to pick a toy for him to play with and she does and K cries even more that he doesn't want to play with that one, he wants the one she's got. And I'm thinking who gets redirected here? dd would not accept a trade and neither would the other boy. i struggled how to proceed. i think dd had a right to not share, since it was hers, but it all felt so rude and "not nice". hmmm, maybe that's my own issue huh?









geez, it's awfully humbling sometimes to realize how much our "discipline problems" reflect our own issues, huh?


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

hey...where'd everybody go?
















so i still love the book, but found a section i don't like. the G.A.M.E.S. stuff. i don't beleive in imposing consequences quite the way she suggests. recall the quiz where u had to assign a T, R, or P to the replies? i thought the "u can eat alone" one was a P, not a T.

sorry, i'm TOH with squiggly baby in lap...


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## Mommay (Jul 29, 2004)

Hi all. It took me a while to get back, but I'd like to share my thoughts about this wonderful book. I've been reading your posts with interest. What you focus on, you get more out of is an idea I also totally liked. I realized how focused I was on the negative. Dh is also having trouble letting go of focusing on what he does not want. Nelybel, I don't know how receptive your dh is, but I've been summarizing the book for my dh as I read. He is interested, but not enough to read the book himself, so he's actually been very receptive and will put whatever principle I tell him about into practice.

Piglet68, I wanted to address two of your issues: I think Bailey's point, a point I also agree with, about ascribing positive intent is that there is always some sort of positive intention in everything we do. My dh had trouble with this one too because he couldn't figure out what was positive about throwing rice all over the floor. Well, for ds, it's fun! 'I know it's fun, but let's not throw rice on the floor'. I think positive means just the thing we get out of doing whatever we're doing. The second thing was your fear (maybe I'm putting words in your mouth) about offending people. I have a lot of trouble with this. I often try to get ds to share even when he had a toy first and is entitled to hold onto whatever he has. It's something I want to work on.

My issue that I've been working on has to do with living the way of life I want ds to model. I really like this aspect of the book as well. It's been a real challenge for me to try and look at myself honestly. There are a few things I think I need to work on, but I think the biggest thing is for me to be more positive myself. I realized how negative I can be. Another thing is to try and find unity with others and stop trying to be special. That really struck a chord with me. Often I think I try too hard to "stand out" rather than see ways in which to cooperate and bond with others.

Case in point, there is this mom in a playgroup I belong to. I actually introduced her to the other moms! Very soon after meeting her and introducing her to the group, I realized that she was just not my cup of tea. I have failed to find a way to bond with her, and it's been over a year! I just keep thinking about all the ways she bothers me. In part, I think I'm justified. She is flawed and is neurotic, and does some dumb things. But I want to get past that, not for her sake, but mine. I just know that all the negative feelings i have for her makes me that much more focused on the negative. I also think that if I can learn to be more tolerant of people who bother me, I can also be kinder to myself (I can be pretty hard on myself too). But let's say she is being short with ds (which she's done and I've confronted her about it), how do I handle the situation so as to cultivate unity? I think before ds, I would have just blown her off. But I want to find ways to be more inclusive of people and see the positive in everyone.

I hope I made some sense.


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## PancakeGoddess (Oct 8, 2004)

piglet, baby bugging me for keyboard but quickly i wanted to say - abotu ascribing positive intent, the most important part (IMO) isn't finding a specific intention to ascribe. That's nice, if you know, but the most important part is just assuming it IS a positive one, whatever it is. That way, we can always find compassion for our kids, knowing that whatever their motivation, it is not evil 

I'd like to know if there's anyone reading this thread with big kids - like 8-10? It gets a little fuzzy, the positive intent thing, with big kids. I know they are working hard to grow up and learn, and certainly have no gereralized maliciousness. However, there are MOMENTS when I think there truly might be some not-so-positive intent, kwim? Then I don't really know where to go.


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

Sorry guys, I seem to have gotten somehow unsubscribed.

goepark- your DH sounds like mine. Receptive, but just won't read the book. Maybe someday.

piglet- totally agree it doesn't matter if you're right on the positive intent. I think BB even says that. On the sharing issue, here's what's worked pretty well for us. I don't expect DS to share a toy in his hands. But I do remind him that any toy we bring to the park is for sharing. So if a toy is in another child's hands, I acknowledge that the toy is still his, but I do not allow him to grab/take it back. If another child wants a toy he is playing with, I encourage trading or turns, but allow it to be his choice. I ask him to finish his turn. This usually helps the other child understand that a turn is coming. If DS absolutely refuses to let other children play with a certain toy, finish his turn, etc., then I remind him that toys we bring to the park are for sharing. If he still refuses, I help him put the toy away in the car. Its OK if something is special and he doesn't want to share, but I won't allow him to play with toys he's unwilling to share in front of other kids. This works pretty well for us, and has kind of rubbed off on other moms in our play group. In general DS usually wants to play with other kids' toys, and they want to play with his. So it helps if everyone brings toys. This has worked pretty well for us, and I think respects everyone involved. A friend of mine read this, "Asking a child to share a special toy, is like asking an adult to give away their wedding ring."

Still working on positive intent around here. Also, the "It looks like you have a problem..." seems to work wonders. It keeps me really calm to know its not my problem (not getting dressed or whatever).


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Quote:

also, there are some situations where i tell dd what to say and she says it, but the response doesn't go her way.
Piglet68: Re this part . . .this, unfortunately, is just life, and part of what we're there for as parents is help children learn how to deal situations that don't go their way. It is something I really struggle with . . .I hate to see DD get hurt or be treated unfairly in any way. I feel like I've let her down when I give her a tool that doesn't seem to work! It's really hard. However, I don't think there's anything that we can say or do to prevent such situations.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

bump...squirmy baby


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

thanks for the bump Piglet68. I'm almost done reading the book and I'll be sad to put it on the shelf. Overall my home is so much more positive these days. And I find the book helps infuse me with my daily inspiration to be positive in my parenting.









I just finished the chapter at the end that summarized child development. I found it to be really helpful and right on! What I liked most was how she described that children alternate between periods of relative calm and organization, and periods of chaos where they have no access to previously acquired skills (approximately every 6 months). She mentions that 18-month-olds are difficult to get along with compared to a 2-year-old, but 2 1/2-year-olds are in chaos compared to most cooperative 3-year-olds. Then comes the oppositional 3 1/2-year-old stage. That's where we're at now, and it came as a bit of a shock to me to watch my cooperative 3-year-old disappear overnight. I was searching my life for possible causes of the upset, but knew intuitively that it is simply a developmental hump. Her description helps me to be much more patient and relaxed about his growth process. What a gift!


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## Nelybel (Oct 16, 2003)

I've been wanting to contribute to this thread...just too tired and too busy. In fact, my fatigue level contributed to a bit of a melt-down today and even though my brain was searching for ways to communicate appropriately, my mouth took off on its own. I even tried to tell myself that I was grumpy and tired and crabby and it was OK (a la 'Easy to Love'). Ah well.

Thanks for the comments about my dh. I am going to ask him to read this book. I'm not sure where he'll find the time. I like the idea of summarizing it for him...but am afraid it might come of a bit too much like me trying to tell him what to do. Thats a hot spot for him so I'd like him to discover the concepts for himself. Bless his heart. If I don't say too much I have noticed him copying some of my 'techniques' (for lack of a better word) in dealing with ds. Its just that whole 'if you do this then you'll get a time-out' type of thing that is really bugging me. I think his irritation level would be lower too, if he read the book.

I've had other thoughts about the book but am currently brain-fried. Will try to contribute later when I can think and sit up straight.

Peace to all
J


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## Tanibani (Nov 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Piglet68*
So I was reading the part about ascribing positive intentions to your child's behaviours. And I had a question to throw out to you guys. As I mentioned before, one of the problems I have is feeling like I'm not able to accurately assess a situation, not able to figure out why my DD just did the thing she did. And often she is unable to tell me herself, and must look to me to help her find words for it. Now reading the last few posts, I'm wondering...do you think that ascribing ANY positive intent would actually be beneficial, even if that wasn't the child's actual intent?

Well, let's say the intent wasn't positive. My son tells me "I don't care!" And rather than get angry, Bailey says to use empathy. A child who says that (according to her and I think she is right) is a child _who doesn't feel cared for._







When you use empathy, you are more likely to respond lovingly (rather than angrily - which promotes separation, continuation or problem, rather than problem-solving).

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Piglet68*
I'm not saying I think my child has negative intentions, I actually don't believe kids do things just to be evil, kwim? But I've been afraid to "guess wrong" when my child is upset over something and I don't know what it is. Maybe I should just pick a positive intent and go with that? Maybe she would at least be able to tell me "no" if I get it wrong?









not sure.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Piglet68*
Here's another dilemma: the "recipe" for helping a child who, say, gets pushed by another involves teaching the child to use words "Stop. I don't like being pushed." Well that seems very reasonable to say to a kid that just pushed you, but what if it's a more benign situation? sometimes the simple phrases we give them to say sound a bit rude. i guess maybe i need to adjust my thinking. maybe i'm stuck in a mindset of not wanting to offend others (I'm passive that way, which i realized reading this book!). maybe i need to focus more on accepting that very young children just need words, and can work on the delivery when they are older. what do you think?

I have not finished the book or read through most of this thread.

Rudeness - I don't have a problem with kids "sounding" rude when they are standing up for their rights.

I know a little 22 month old toddler who was taught by her mama







to "use her words" instead of hitting, pushing if she didn't get her way (which is what my son resorts to and he's 5!) She was awesome! This little who couldn't speak well would stand tall, and point one finger in their face and get very angry and firmly say "DON DO DAT!" and that would stop ANY 5 year old (her sister or my son) in their tracks.







The wonderful thing was, she didn't have to resort to hitting/pushing.

I believe she is big on teaching kids to say NO strongly. (See tip # 10)
http://www.beckybailey.com/disciptip.cfm?identifier=2

The last thing you want is a kid going to elementary school who can't do that and will be pushed around by others.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Piglet68*
also, there are some situations where i tell dd what to say and she says it, but the response doesn't go her way. Like the other day we were at the playground and dd was sharing some of her toys with a friend. He went to pick up one that she decided she didn't want to share and she screamed at him and then cried. I said "you are sharing your toys, but you want to keep this one for yourself. tell K "I want to play with this toy" and then of course K says "I want to play with that toy, too" and they are both crying. so i asked dd to pick a toy for him to play with and she does and K cries even more that he doesn't want to play with that one, he wants the one she's got. And I'm thinking who gets redirected here? dd would not accept a trade and neither would the other boy. i struggled how to proceed. i think dd had a right to not share, since it was hers, but it all felt so rude and "not nice". hmmm, maybe that's my own issue huh?









No, you are right, that does feel rude and not nice.

What I have observed at my own







preschool is that an adult comes over and fascilitates problem-solving.

1. walk over calmly
2. get down to their level
3. don't take sides
4. restate the problem
5. acknowledge feelings "wow, John looks very upset." (You are trying to elicit empathy from the other kid.)
6. Ask them - "how can we solve this problem?" Wait for them to come up with solutions. Encourage them... if they don't you can think of solutions. It encourages creativity (even in yourself! I am even shocked at the great solutions I have come up with on the fly) and teaches them to problem-solve rather than fight.

If you need to, take the item and hold it for safety. Let both children know it will be safe (and this is hard for me! because yesterday I handed it over before my son was OK with it.







) Focus on solving the problem.

I'm still learning HOW to do this correctly. I love it that my teachers do this without shaming or making a child feel guilty.

I went on vacation with a friend (she has an almost 5 yr old and 2 yr old) and she observed me doing the above. She said she's doing it at home now and it has REALLY help cut down on fights.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Piglet68*
geez, it's awfully humbling sometimes to realize how much our "discipline problems" reflect our own issues, huh?

tell me about it.


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

Hey folks, I just finished the book, but really need to keep practicing. Anyone interested in doing the 7 week program at the back together, and discussing a topic/power per week?


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

tanibani, thanks for the great advice. i, too, like the idea of getting the kids to come up with solutions. unfortunately, in the last two I can think of, both kids were too distraught to think at the time, both kind of melted down. of course, this almost certainly has to do with their moods at the time, i think at the playground we were dealing with two very tired kids. but if the kids are not "losing it" i will definitely give that a try. i like the sounds of the "keep it safe" thing with the toy, but my first reaction is that if I tried to take the toy from dd she would flip out a bit. maybe whens she is older that would work.

harmony, i'd love to. but it's a library book. frankly, i don't think i have the wherewithal to stick with something right now. life is pretty crazy. but i've gotten some great ideas from the book, and find myself repeating several of her mantras, like focus on what you want, and see the positive, etc. I'm going to add it to my wish list of books to buy next time i have a gift-giving occasion.


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## Nelybel (Oct 16, 2003)

harmonymama,

I think I could be 'up' for doing the 7 week program in the back. I read through it but wasn't sure I'd have the internal structure to really do it by myself. Sort of like exercise (for me), it goes better with company.

I'm reading several other books right now but have finished the Bailey book and can keep looking at it for reference as needed.

Lets see...the first one is the Power of Perception. I struggle sometimes with owning my own upset but I think it is a very powerful skill. I really believe in it, but find it difficult to change my language. This morning my son bit me as he was unlatching...I think because he didn't want to stop nursing. (I'm having a lot of negative emotion surrounding our nursing relationship right now and am having to set some limits in order to keep nursing). We talked about it (and he seemed unusually receptive to listening but wouldn't or couldn't talk much about it), and I kept having to rephrase to avoid the "it makes mommy feel" kind of comments. Argh. Its almost stunning how often I use the phrases, "it makes me", "you make me" etc. I'm really trying to notice the language I use around ds and dh now. Difficult. And difficult to own my own upset too.

I struggle a little bit with her statement "When you are upset, you have a problem." I think this is true in that I am the only one who has the power to make me feel a certain way. However, I think if carried too far it can inhibit me from trying to discuss and solve issues that are important to me or make me feel like I need to deny my needs in some cases. (Did that make sense? I'm thinking mostly of my relationship with DH in this case.) Anyway - just some thoughts I had about 'owning my upset'.

J


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

Nelybel- thanks for being willing to try the 7 week program with me. Others, feel free to join in along the way.

Week 1
Attitude Shift: Harnessing the Power of Perception
Reason: To own your own upset
Discipline Skill: Composure
Value: Integrity

This is a biggie for me! I think people would generally describe me as a calm person, but when it comes to my family, I think I have a problem in this area. Often when I feel overwhelmed, I blame or yell. It's like my mind just shuts down when both kids are screaming and I feel pulled in three different directions. If dh and I are having a conflict, then I am particularly on edge. It's so hard to maintain composure, think creatively, etc. I just react. So, composure is something I'm yearning for. I think Easy to Love has helped a lot already, but now that I've finished it, I notice myself already slipping back into old patterns, so I'm really glad to have an outlet to try to discipline myself to keep practicing (what the book's about right? LOL) I really want to learn to own my own upset. I, too, think it is really helpful to become more conscious of the, "You make me" language, or even when that's just my attitude.

I really hope and believe that I can learn composure. So today I'm writing down:
"I choose to see this situation differently." and

"Each day, each hour, every moment, I choose the sounds I want to hear, the sights I want to see, and the actions I want to focus on."

Nelybel- I don't think she is saying that because My upset is My problem, that I shouldn't express or address it with my partner. I think she advocate assertively expressing our feelings and needs. But even with dh, I need to stop the "You make me feel..." language/thinking, and instead say, "When you..., I feel..." and really use a feeling word! That's the hard part for me, I tend to say, I feel ignored, or unappreciated, or something along those lines, instead of "I feel hurt, scared, angry, etc." Just a few thoughts, not sure if I'm making much sense.


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## tinaq (Aug 26, 2002)

: reading the book & would like to subscribe. thanks!


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

Welcome Tinaq-
Always glad when new people join this thread, because it helps keep me motivated.
Nelybel- How are things going? Any new thoughts about Week 1- Power of Perception?

I think I still have a ways to go on really fully believing that, "Each day, each hour, every moment, I choose the sounds I want to hear, the sights I want to see, and the actions I want to focus on." It is so ingrained in me to think that people and situations beyond my control determine my experience. I do believe it in my head, but I need to integrate into my heart knowledge, I guess that's what the practice program is all about.

On the other hand, "I choose to see this situation differently." is helping me so much. And I think I already have a much greater measure of composure since I first picked up the book two months ago! Yeah! Already, some of our major power struggles like getting dressed are a thing of the past, like getting dressed. It's not because DS doesn't still resist getting dressed, but I have tools to handle it, and I don't allow myself to be so reactive. And actually, I think this is helping his resistance decrease as well. It helps me to write this down, because it really makes me realize how far we've come. Just glad for this thread to inspire me to keep learning and practicing.


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Okay. You guys have done it.

Although I read the book a few years ago, I am ready to do the program.

I'm officially joining you!!! Woo hoo!!!

(do we get to have cake?)


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

Alright Love Beads! Thanks for joining. Look forward to hearing more.


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