# Going through a loss at 18 weeks



## Mickiswing (Apr 10, 2005)

It's been so long since I've been to the MDC forums because I've been so busy, but ladies, I need you now.

Today I'm supposed to be 18 weeks along. I went in for a checkup yesterday to find that our baby passed away about two weeks ago. Tomorrow we'll be checking in to the hospital to delivery our baby. How much does it just suck that you have to go through the whole genuine L&D experience in cases like this? We don't know what went wrong, and I feel blessed that I know this wasn't anything I caused. Four weeks ago we saw that beautiful baby spinning and kicking around in an ultrasound. Something just went wrong.

More than anything, I'm afraid of missing something I'll regret later. We were told the hospital can "remove our baby before we have to see it and take care of it" or we can choose to hold our child, bathe it, name it, bury it, etc. I just can't fathom letting the hospital just have it. This is still my child. It want some time with it, even if it's just a few short moments. I'm trying to decide if I want to take pictures, how we want to handle things with our older kids, etc. (I have an autistic 7 yr old son, a 6 yr old daughter, a 4 yr old daughter and a 22 month old son) We were all so excited. My 6 yr old daughter especially is taking it hard. I don't think I just want the baby to 'disappear'. I think burying the baby would bring closure to all of us. But I'm also dreading how hard that will be. And do I take pictures? Should we let the kids meet their sibling? I just don't know what to do.

To top things off, my grandfather just passed away last week from cancer and my whole extended family is still grieving over the loss of the man we were so close to. It's been a really rough few weeks. It's so difficult to find the silver lining in this case. With Grandpa, he was in an extreme amount of pain and discomfort so long. We're relieved for him that he was released from his mortal body. What do you say about a child who never had any time here on this earth?

I'm so sorry to be joining this group and for all the losses previously suffered. My heart goes out to all of you.

Micki


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Oh Micki, I'm so sorry.







So very sorry.









I lost my son at 39 weeks, and we did it all... we held him, took pictures, the children saw him. But he was fully formed. There are mamas here who have had losses at your gestation who might have more advice.

I've seen pictures of babies that young... they are formed, just very red and shiny - their skin is very delicate. Their eyes are fused. (I'm sorry if this is painful... just so you know what to expect?)

I know mamas who have pictures of their babies at this gestation. If it were me, I'd want pictures. I would definitely want to hold my baby. You get scared, you freak out before you see them, wondering what it's going to be like, if they're going to be horrible... but it's not. It's your baby, and you love them, and the anticipation is so much worse than the reality.

Again, I'm so sorry.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Micki

I'm so very, very sorry.

I lost Amelia at just under 20 weeks. I'll tell you what we did and didn't do.

I knew I was going to loose Amelia two days before she was born. When I was told that there was no hope for her I was given three options : D&E under a general, a c-section under general, or labor. Not one doctor felt that I should labor drug-free. At first I wanted it to all just go away. I knew I didn't want a c-section but I also knew I didn't want to be aware of what was going on around me. I was leaning towards the D & E. Then MW told me of her experiences with women who birthed (whatever type of birth) babies that they didn't see. In her experience it caused a lot of damage to not see their baby. I decided against the D & E. I had to fight for my vaginal birth (complete previa) but it was the best choice I could have made. As labor progessed I was no longer fearful about seeing our baby. In fact, I wanted to see her and love on her.

It meant a lot to me to have the same type of birth I wanted had I gone to term. So I insisted upon a drug free vaginal birth. For everything but the birth the only people with me were DH and my midwife who acted as my doula. Before I went into hard labor we chose a name. We knew her sex already.

After Amelia was out she was placed on my chest. Dh and I spent quite a bit of time looking at our little girl, noticing how much she looked like us, we talked to her and told her how much we loved her. During this time MW was taking lots of pictures. While I haven't been able to look at all the pictures, I've seen a few and I'm so very happy I have them to remember her. I really don't remember a whole lot of the birth because of the trauma. Family was then invited in and they got to hold Amelia and tell her they loved her. Our MW held her too. Because of their thin skin the baby is going to be very delicate. They can't handle much holding and movement. I don't think Amelia could have been bathed/dressed without injuring her. After everyone was able to say their love to her we gave her to the nurses to weigh and measure. More pictures were taken. Amelia was then taken away. We decided to have her cremated. I couldn't handle the idea of needing to go and visit her somewhere so this made sense for us. 5 days after her birth her ashes came home. It felt really good to have her back home and with us.

You may have the option of having your baby and/or the placenta sent to pathology. We decided to only have the placenta sent up as Amelia's cause of death was already known.

Also know that your milk will come in. Assuming you're not BFing your 22mo old, this might be very hard to deal with. I bound my breasts for a week or so, drank sage tea and also placed cabbage leaves under my binding. I didn't become engorged but it took two weeks or so to completly dry up. I noticed leaking during showering and sex the most. it's just something to be aware of and ready for.

I would really recommend seeing your baby and spending time with him/her. Some people name their baby and some people do not. I don't regret naming Amelia though I think DH wishes that we didn't as he picked his very favorite name for a baby we don't have. After Amelia was born Dh and I went very calm. I had already lost it a few times before labor. Be ready for the mix of emotions. As we looked at Amelia we even laughed and smiled. I didn't expect this and it's a nice memory to think of. Very bittersweet.

As the weeks pass you will feel many different things. I've had days where I've felt crazy, days where things were good and I was positive about the future, and then days where I couldn't do anything but cry and sleep. It helps to have someone around you, even if it's just to take care of the house things.

I'm so sorry for your losses.

Adding to MI Dawn...

Amelia looked very baby like but was tiny. Her skin was red and thin. Her eyes were closed. However, every detal of her was perfect but just in miniture. We could see that her ears and face were like mine, she had a long second toe like DH, her fingernails were formed and long. Everything perfect...just too tiny.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.























I would recommend spending time with and taking pictures of your baby. Maybe you won't feel ready but later you will regret it if you don't. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so, so sorry.









A woman at my SAND group decided not to see her baby who had died in utero from trisomy 13 (I think somewhere between 20 and 30 weeks gestation, I forget now). She birthed the baby and then had the baby taken away. A week later she came to our support group and said that she already regretted not seeing her baby.

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)

Micki, my heart breaks for you.


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## claireb (Apr 7, 2009)

Micki









I am so so so sorry for your loss. I hope you find comfort among us fellow loss mamas.

Claire


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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

Oh Micki, I'm so sorry for your loss. My loss was earllier so quite different, but I actually do regret not taking pictures, even though the babies did not really look all that baby like. I was 10 weeks.

I buried them in the garden in our back yard and planted a rose bush above them.

(((hugs)))


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Micki, I'm so sorry for your loss.








I will echo the other Mamas who recommended seeing and holding
your little one - and taking pictures, too, even if you don't feel
ready to look at them for a while, at least you'll _have_ them.

The photos I have of my son are so precious to me . . . I wish I
had more.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss







I wish that no mama ever had to go through something like this









I lost my little one at 17 weeks. I choose to go through labor and delivery rather than a D&E. I will say though, to be aware that the chances of having retained placenta are higher at this point and you may end up with a D&C for it, I did, 2 weeks later, but I still have no regrets.

I was afraid to see the baby, as I was warned she might not be in the best condition, fragile skin, etc. But I had to see her, I knew I would regret it if I didn't. To this day I am SO thankful I was able to spend time with her. She was perfect. Tiny, but perfect. She fit in our hands like she was meant to stay there forever. She was a little over 5 inches and looked very peaceful with closed eyes, a perfect little nose & mouth, a precious little face. She already looked like DH with her cheek bones and a cleft in her chin. She was truly amazing. We spent some time holding her and taking pictures, which I still look at often. I am SO thankful that we took pictures. I treasure them along with the little robe and hat she wore, and the other mementos we got from the hospital. All in all, seeing her and spending time with her was very healing for us. It really helped us to get through that situation.

We also ended up having her cremated. We have memory necklaces with ashes in them as well as a tiny urn. It makes me feel better having those, like I get to have her home with me in the only way I can.

Anyway, my point is, seeing the baby can be very healing. I've never heard of a mother regretting it, but I have heard of them regretting NOT seeing their babies.

Again, I am so sorry. You're in my thoughts. Peace, strength & healing to you~


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no advice or experience at that point in pregnancy, but I wanted to let you know I am so very sorry to hear this.


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## sew_crafty_girl (May 15, 2009)

I'm so very sorry Mickey.

I lost my 13wk baby at 15wks back in March. We chose to induce the birth with Cytotec and I delivered at home (which was kind of scary). Our baby came out very clean and the skin was not red. It was thin skinned, smaller than my hand and it's eyes were fused.

I was afraid to touch our baby. To photograph it. To spend more time with it. I chose not to have a D&C so I COULD say goodbye in my own way, but I regret not doing those things. I couldn't tell the sex of the baby because I was so afraid to touch and move it, but I suspect it was a boy. I retained the placenta which my Peri told me is common with losses at that stage. We brought our baby to the hospital lab, but they didn't end up testing it, which added to our grief. We had struggled with turning our baby over for that purpose.

As for our children. We made sure someone had them while we went through it. We told them I had the baby at home, but did not give them any details. They're old enough to ask and be curious about it, but they have no talked about it much. I had quite a traumatic experience and spent the w/e in the hospital following it.

Peace and healing to you.


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## Mickiswing (Apr 10, 2005)

Mamas,

I have just a moment to spare tonight as we prepare our home and our kids for our stay at the hospital tomorrow. But I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your sweet words, the shared experiences, the new knowledge of what I might be able to expect have strengthened me today. My heart breaks for all of you as well, though I'm grateful to be with other families who have gone through such tragedies. I do believe that one reason we go through hardships is so that we can help and support others that go through them as well. And you've all done that for me. Thank you.

Hugs,
Micki


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

I'll be thinking of you this weekend Micki.










We are here if you need anything after coming back home.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

You're in my thoughts. I hope that everything goes as easily as possible for you this weekend.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I lost my baby at 17 weeks (she had stopped developing at about 14). I chose to induce at home with cytotec, and I'm so glad I did. 7 weeks later I did have a d&e for retained placenta, but I wouldn't do anything different as far as going through the process of labor. I am thankful that I was able to hold our baby, look at her, kiss her,wrap her in a tiny blanket, place her in a beautiful wood box and bury her in my yard. If I could go back I would do two things- I would take a picture of her, and get footprints. I really regret that I didn't do either of these.

I'm so sorry for your loss. None of us should have to go through the things that we have.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Ahh yes, foot and hand prints. The nurses did ours. They are nice to have.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WaitingForKiddos* 
Ahh yes, foot and hand prints. The nurses did ours. They are nice to have.

Yes, very nice to have. Those are actually my little one's prints as my avatar







They are just a bit smaller than actual size I should add, to give you an idea on how tiny and precious they are that that point.


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## ladyjools (May 25, 2009)

I lost my little one at 16 weeks
gave birth to him natuarly at hospital, i was not given any other option but to do it vaginally but i am in UK so we maybe do things diffrently,

i had gas and air which helped a lot, and some morphine for pain.

The labour was intense, more painful than i expected because i wasn't full term i didn't think it hurt as much, but i dont' regret it,

the midewife took Samson away as soon as i gave birth because i was scaird to look at him, and also it took me an hour to birth the placenta,
but they cleaned him up, wrapped him in a tiny blanket and brought him to me in a tiny moses basket, he was perfectly formed little baby, eyes, noes, ears, toes fingers, just a bit red and very delicate,

i am so glad we saw him,
we also got some pictures taken, i wish i had gotten a picture taken of us holding him but at the time that was just to painful,

i don't regret anything, and we have burried him in a babyrose garden, with lots of other angel babies,

im so sorry for your lose, but i hope that us all sharing our experience helps you to come to your own desision easier,

please let us know how you are

Jools


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are w/you and your family.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

This whole thread just makes me cry, both for the loss and for the love...







:

Thinking of you, Micky.


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## green_sturgeon (Feb 9, 2008)

Big hugs to you and your family, Micki. I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to add some thoughts about helping your other children though this. My son is almost 3 and my daughter was stillborn 2 months ago. We didn't let him come to the hospital or see the baby, although I did show him some pictures of her wrapped in a blanket with just her face showing. I'm not sure if this was the right thing for him or not. She was born at almost 28 weeks, but was the size of a 21 weeker and had been dead for a few days before her birth and I didn't want him to be upset by how she looked, but after we got home and explained what happened, he kept saying he wanted to touch her and wanted to look at the pictures and footprints over and over.

He had a hard time understanding where the baby went and why he couldn't hold her. He asked about her a lot at first and still brings it up periodically. Sometimes it surprises me, and sometimes the things he says and watching him try to work through it make me really sad. I always talk about it with him if he wants to and don't really try to hide my tears from him, either. He understands that it's okay to be sad that the baby isn't here and that we'll always remember her. Two books that have helped both of us are We Were Gonna Have a Baby, but We Had an Angel Instead by Pat Schweibert and Taylor Bills and Something Happened by Cathy Blanford and Phyllis Childers. You might want to read them by yourself a few times before reading to your kids because they will make you cry. Those two are aimed at 2-5 year olds, but might comfort older kids too, and I think there are also some books that are meant for older kids (or maybe try Tear Soup, also by Pat Schweibert and others - I haven't read it, but it's supposed to be a read-aloud book for the whole family and not focused specifically on one particular type of loss).

Thinking of you...


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## Mickiswing (Apr 10, 2005)

Thanks so much mamas, I sure appreciate everything. Just a brief update, Lily Dawn was born sleeping last evening. She was perfect and beautiful and just had an unfortunate accident with the cord. We'll always love her. As hard as this has been, it's also been a special experience too. We're home now and grateful to be with our family. Thanks so much for the hugs and prayers.

Micki

PS Thanks Erika, I'll definitely check out those books and your input on how to handle the news with our kids. We have four kids, ages 7 to almost 2. So far they're handling things very well. We've been very open with them and have told them the truth but not every grisly detail. We figure that if they're ready to handle it, they'll start asking questions and that's when we'll share pictures and such.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

Thinking of you and your family during this time. And remembering precious Lily Dawn w/you.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Holding your family in my thoughts.








Lily Dawn


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Thinking of you. Sending strength and peace~








Lily Dawn


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## Mickiswing (Apr 10, 2005)

I thought I'd just post a brief update on this thread as well. I did post Lily's story here in the forum. I'm not quite ready to dive in here, but I'm getting there and looking forward to it.

We're doing as well as we can be right now. Physically I've healed very quickly, despite troubles eating and sleeping. I have good times and hard times and I think of Lily all the time. My kids are adjusting well and this whole experience has brought DH and I much closer. DH is doing much better now that he's dived right back into life. He says that he thinks of Lily all the time too, but it's easier for him to be more positive when he's busy. We're not sure what the future holds for our family, but we're healing, slowly but surely.

I thought I'd post my blog link here too if anyone wants to follow along. It's a little manic right now, but I'm sure you understand! Thanks again for everything ladies. I look forward to getting to know you better. My love to you all!

www.mickismenagerie.blogspot.com


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## busymama7 (Dec 5, 2008)

Micki,

I read Lily's birth story a few days ago, but did not notice your username until today. I think I "know" you from NMSL? Is that right? I am so sorry for the loss of sweet Lily and I wish you healing and peace.

I read these boards often, but do not post much. I lost a baby girl at term 5 years ago.


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