# SUMMER Baby Loss Mama's Chat Thread



## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

All baby loss mamas are welcome! This thread is a safe place to jump in, say what you're feeling and find support for your loss.

It's already the middle of May and with summer travels and everything, I thought maybe we could just make a Summer chat thread, say May to early August?

I ask that if you are ttc or have issues with ttc you please take it to the ttc after loss thread as there are many of us on this thread that are unable to ttc for various reasons. If you are PAL we will see it in your siggy and you are more than welcome to post on this thread but ask that you keep PAL issues for the PAL thread. Do not feel that you have to reply to everyone. I think many people don't post as they are worried about leaving someone out. If all you can do is post an update on yourself we would be glad to hear it!


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I've been out for awhile, and it's always heartbreaking to see new people joining the forum, or old ones come back. I've been thinking about all of you.

I think I've said in the past several times that I don't feel jealous or angry at other pregnant women. I really didn't. But now all the sudden, I do. My due date is in 3 weeks, and my dear friend is about to have a healthy baby boy. At first I used to feel glad that he would be there to always remind me of how old my baby should have been. But now I just feel mad that she's so happy. For most people, my mc was so long ago (5 months), I don't think they ever think about it. I feel embarrassed for feeling this way now.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Hi everyone. Thanks for starting a new thread.

Wilson, I totally get it, but I hope you know you don't need to feel embarassed for continuing to have some feelings about your loss! I know people have different reactions, but it makes a lot of sense to me that you might not just "move on" from grief in 5 months. Or so what if it was five years?! - Things that we feel deeply in our hearts become a part of us and can come up all the time. I was feeling regret just recently about a really sad loss of a non-baby-related kind from when I was in my 20's. It is a hurt that I think I will always carry with me. It is still hard to even think about. But it is a part of who I am. I think being a mom who has lost a baby is like that too.

Thinking of you as that due date month for Nicholas comes up, too. Do you have ideas for how you would or wouldn't mark that time for yourself?

And having friends having babies... yeah. I mostly feel happy for others, BUT (lol)... it is just the warm weather, that I am suddenly seeing them *everywhere*?! Is this some kind of recession boom? I guess since I go places where toddlers are with my toddler, lots of those women are having a sibling now, so it isn't weird, but I always have to take a little breath and look away quickly. Visited with one friend today who is 35 weeks along, looking beautiful. I'm aware of how many months I would have been now.

Anyway, I'm also sad to see new mamas in this forum, but welcome to each of you. Please feel free to post whatever you are going through; we're here to listen and offer you support.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Thanks for the new thread Wilson. I totally understand about the anger surfacing now. (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) My best friend is due in a few weeks. This is her second baby since my first miscarriage and I've had two miscarriages during this pregnancy. I'm not angry with her at all but I know I will not be able to look at her birth pictures; I can't look at any birth pictures right now. We are done. I'm not sure if we are done for good but right now we just don't want to even have a baby. My youngest is going to be three this year and things are just getting easier and easier; neither of us really want to add a new baby to the mix right now. I feel good about all of it but the birth part; I don't think I could ever get enough of giving birth.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Thank you for the new thread. It felt weird posting a new thread everytime I wanted to write about things!

Going to the OB tomorrow, but the bleeding has tapered off and I think it's over. Got the CD and the ultrasound report, April measured 6w 6d. Both babies seem unreal now, like something I dreamed, and it seems like it happened so long ago... I'm sad today.

I have a lot of pregnant women in my life, and some I am just happy for and some I get really strong negative feelings just thinking about them, is that odd?


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## Vegan Princess (Jun 20, 2007)

I think I will join you ladies. Had a D&C yesterday at 9 weeks 4 days. Baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks 3 days. I am feeling pretty good physically but have yet to really process the loss emotionally. It has only been since Monday that I found out and I haven't have much time to myself or time that I am not caring for my 2 yr old.

Cindy


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

Cindy, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to allow/find yourself time to grieve and process when taking care of a toddler.









Sagewinna -







I hope your appointment went well. I don't know how you find it ok to be happy for pregnant people. There's so many people who were preg. when I was having my losses who have babies now (sister, best friend, friend, co-worker). Just seeing pregnant women at the park makes me cringe.

AFM - today I had my very anticipated visit with a new ob in a new practice. I have mixed feelings about the visit. I really want to know why I am having recurring losses and what to do about them. I'm scared to ttc again. She basically was non-alarmist and said it's very common. Actually, the 1st words she said was to ask me what I thought the success rate was for a successful preg. I said 75%. She said 50%. She thinks that it just basically bad luck or something and doesn't recommend any tests or treatments - I should just keep "rolling the dice." She said that if my losses were all farther along (like after a heart-beat), then it's a different story, but since the recent 2 were at 5 and 6 weeks, they don't really "count."

It was hard to hear language like that - I know she didn't mean to discount my experience, but still. I feel good that she thinks I'm not "high risk" and thinks the next preg I'll be fine with a midwife and after the 1st tri I'll be the same as all other preg women. On the other hand, I feel frustrated that she didn't have much to offer other than "it happens." She was happy that I am obviously able to get preg successfully (3xs in 12 mo.).

I was suggesting the possibility of LPD b/c of my short leutal phase (11-13 d) as I've read this can cause recurrent losses, but she didn't think much of the idea - saying there's not a lot of research on it. I did get her to give me a prescription for a natural progesterone - she says there's no harm, though she doesn't see a benefit. I'm going to try to research it and maybe get a second opinion. I'd love to go to someone alternative - it's just SO damn expensive!

Well, I think that's quite enough for me today. Thinking of all of you!


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## Vegan Princess (Jun 20, 2007)

Wendy: I'm sorry your appt didn't go as you hoped! I do reccomend seeing a specialist if you can swing it though! I feel like she should be doing testing to at least rule out various things. At the very least, she should order a progesterone test 7 days after ovulation if your think that may be the problem. Anyway, it's good to know she doesn't see you as high risk. I hope that she is correct that your next preg will be fine!!

Cindy


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Wendlynnn, that would've bothered me too. The actual part of her saying she feel confident you'll get pregnant again soon and have a good chance of carrying to term all sounds good... except it sounds like she managed to speak about it all in such a dismissive way. I hate when docs act like you don't know anything, or like your own knowledge and understanding of your situation is a little annoyance. Grrr. I've had my girls' pediatricians saying "there isn't much research on that" when it would be closer to the truth to say, "I'm not very familiar with the research on that."

[Ugh - sorry, I just edited this post... I did mean to post on the Baby Loss thread, b/c I came here to see how everyone is doing, but I temporarily forgot what forum I was in and started writing about TTC. That was a mistake, sorry!!].

Hoping everyone has had a good week.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Wendlynn, ouch! WTH would she say they didn't count.  I am sorry you didn't get any answers, and I wish the Dr. had been a little more compassionate!

My appointment went well. Ultrasound showed I have completed the miscarriage. My Dr. has actually had a missed miscarriage before, so she's pretty good in the compassion dept. I went for bloodwork, she wanted to get an hcg level.

Then she pushed birth control, which I was really uncomfortable and defensive about. I told her we've used NFP in the past, though it's been probably 10 years since we've tried to avoid. She started off asking if I was any good at it, then said it has a 97% effective rate... Then she tarted listing all the reasons it isn't as accurate for a woman over 40. I just am not in the space yet to decide that, and it's something DH and I will work out together. I finally told her we'd be fine if I did get pg and she backed off, thankfully.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Thanks, ladies. Nice to talk to all of you again.

Cindy, I'm sorry you've had to join us, but we'll be here as you process all of this.

Doctors can be so frustrating. I am very lucky that I stumbled onto a very kind doctor. He has a big family himself, and recommends NFP so I imagine he has lots of personal experience to temper his professional experience.

My due date is right in the middle of my girls birthdays (they're birthdays are only two weeks apart), so I think I'm going to probably keep the day pretty low key. Probably a prayerful day.

We have a lot of crazy stress going on in our lives right now, job and family stuff. But, I keep thinking about having another baby, even though it's completely a bad time for us. How do you guys feel? Sometimes I think, I don't want to get pregnant again because I don't want to replace him. But sometimes I just really long for a baby. And of course, there's also reality, in which I have two young kids who are overwhelming (even if wonderful) sometimes. We'll probably wait a few more years.


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## PunkElmo (Oct 10, 2010)

count me in the May pregnancy loss "club"

lost my full-term baby girl during labor on Mother's day, most likely due to an infection (we're still waiting for pathology/lab results).

I feel like I'm having a hard time connecting/relating on this forum because it was a full-term loss, and I don't see as many losses in that category - I guess I feel disconnected because I had no problems TTC or having the pregnancy "stick," and I had one of the easiest (seemingly) healthiest pregnancies I've heard of... it just didn't work out in the end.









I'm "enjoying" post-partum aches/pains/engorgement - I went through a long, intense labor and a vaginal delivery of a normal sized baby - without the joy of HAVING a baby... *sigh*


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I'm so, so, sorry.

All of us here have different stories and there are, unfortunately, plenty of mamas with full term losses who will come out of the woodwork when a new full term loss mama posts (perhaps a new thread would get more views though). I hope you find some sort of comfort here and someone that you can talk/relate to. I also hope that you get a clear answer as to why your baby died; I have no idea why I lost mine and it really adds a terrible element to the whole situation.


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Punk Elmo - wow i am so sorry - that is beyond devastating. My dear friend went thru this almost 6 years ago. It was beyond hard for her to deal with - much love to you and your family ~

I have two friends that are due when i was supposed to be due - they are finding out the sex of the baby & talking about kicks . I never let them see me react but in my head I know that if they really looked in my eyes they would see it . I act super happy and interested and most of the time i truly am. A freind of mine had a mc a week before mother's day. When we spoke the first thing she said to me was " I am so sorry for whatever stupid comments I may have made to you" It made me laugh ~ no one knows until they go thru it unfortunately. She did say how she feels as though miscarriage is a dirty secret. After hers, 8 people that she worked with came up to her and told her their stories. It is sad that we are all made to feel like we can't talk about it. But it is so true. This week - a year ago - i found out i was pregnant with my first miscarriage. I am sad about it just thinking about how i hadn't lost my "pregnancy innocence" at that time - telling our family and friends right away and celebrating this new baby. I just want one more baby , one more chance to have that beautiful experience.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Punk Elmo - I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your little girl. How heartbreaking! You must be feeling so many different emotions, I just can't imagine.

I did want to echo Krista that, sadly, in the years I have been on MDC there have been many mamas with full term loss... I do think that a thread like this is a combination of mamas who have had a miscarriage, at all different stages, and those who have gone through a loss at birth of a full term baby. This forum will have a number of threads from other mamas who have had experiences like yours, or I also agree that starting a new thread would give you a chance to share your specific experience and get some support just for you. Especially as your grief is so new and there is still so much to process.

Sending you love and support from here.


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## PunkElmo (Oct 10, 2010)

loss just sucks.









I hope I didn't sound rude or insensitive towards anyone who's suffered something other than a full-term loss


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Don't worry about it, mama, we are a pretty tough bunch and totally understanding of the raw emotions and words that other mamas here have <3. Loss DOES just suck and it sucks to be a member of this board no matter how great the ladies here are.

The one common thread we all have is the loss of the hope, the idea of the baby. Whether it's full term, halfway through or the day after the BFP it just hurts to have your hopes soar so high and then be smashed to pieces. It's crazy how fast the love and the dreaming starts. But, like I said, we all have different stories and we all relate best to those more similar to ours. I don't see a lot of mamas with losses like mine either. Start a thread about your baby, you will find lots of full term loss mamas who can help you through this.

I'm so sorry your first mother's day brought such devastation :-( I gave birth to my first baby on mother's day and it was always a beautiful day because of that. Now I've lost two babies around mother's day and it just brings pain.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

PunkElmo, I am so sorry your baby passed away.

My close friend lost her baby, Matthew, to a cord accident. I was blessed to get to know about him afterward, to see the things she had from the hospital and see the beautiful photographs she had taken. She got to spend a lot of time with him afterward, while she recovered from the c-section. I hope you got to spend a lot of time with your baby, too.

Your feelings are your feelings, and it's ok to talk about them here no matter what they are.


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> Your feelings are your feelings, and it's ok to talk about them here no matter what they are.


I second that


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

Punkelmo - I'm so so sorry for your loss. This is a very supportive space - talk as much or as little as you want. Sending healing thoughts your way.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

PunkElmo - I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard that must be. I agree, maybe you should try posting a new topic to help bring out some of the full term loss mamas. We're here for you, too though. Did you name your little girl?

Got an email last night from my friend who will deliver in a month. It really hurt. I told her several months ago that it was okay for her to talk to us, that we're excited about her baby, etc. And that was really how I felt then. I'm glad she lives far away right now, I think the distance helps.


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## Vegan Princess (Jun 20, 2007)

UGH! I am livid right now! My OB just called to say the lab did not find any placental or fetal tissue in the specimen she sent after my D&C! Both my ultrasounds last Monday showed a baby that stopped growing at 8 weeks 3 days - so there definitely was one. So either I passed it on my own beforehand or it's still in there!!!!!! I was bleeding before but not much and I didn't pass any clots or anything really. So I am super afraid she missed it! I go in on Thursday for an ultrasound. Going through that again is just going to be too much to handle!!! Please pray that she got it and somehow didn't send it to the lab. Which is another issue - bc then we cant' have it tested. UGH!!!

Cindy


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## PunkElmo (Oct 10, 2010)

Thanks ladies, and HUGE HUGS to everyone who's posting on this thread.









I honestly don't think I am ready to post my story on this forum, since the last few posts I've made on MDC have been... controversial? I guess?

My birth story that was posted in my DDC has ended up quoted and being discussed on a "medical professional" website, and someone joined MDC JUST to post this to the thread:

"Of course, if you insist on having a baby like it's 1899 things can and will turn out differently for you. Awesome that you were able to have your dead baby vaginally, I guess you win."

The thread that I posted on the UC forum under an alias when I was having problems with my midwife at 37w was shut down by the site administrator after several rude posts about my baby being dead (from people I don't even KNOW) "thanks to the advice in this thread" (which had NOTHING to do with her death, tyvm)

I can generally tolerate people with different opinions than my own, but there are respectful ways to voice them, and this is starting to get ridiculous...


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## Vegan Princess (Jun 20, 2007)

Punk Elmo,

I am truly sorry for everything you have experienced! I am just appalled that you are having to deal with forum and rude people issues on top of everything else! I hope anyone with anything less than kind to say can manage to keep their opinions and thoughts to themselves!

My sister lost a baby girl within a day of her birth. Only in her case they realized it was a chromosome abnormality that is not compatible with life. So she at least had some answers. Not that it made it any easier.

I wish I could hug you through the computer!

Cindy


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Oh my :-( I 'm so sorry to hear that. MDC is so big though that it's really not uncommon to have your posts attacked or used on other sites. There are other forums just for making fun of MDC posts. I wish this board was more private. I totally understand not being ready to share your story yet but you could also just simply start a thread asking for other full term loss mamas and not go into any detail. This board is so different than the others; no one here will attack you and if anyone else comes in and says anything they will be reported by TONS of mad, protective mamas. (((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Cindy - I'm so sorry! How frustrating and scary. I hope this is all resolved quickly - it's so frustrating to have to deal with complications on top of grief.

PunkElmo - I'm so shocked and angry that people would say such things to you. It's one thing to have an opinion about UC, but there is no excuse for speaking that way to a grieving mother.

I guess I've always thought this forum was more private than others - is that true? Maybe it only means you have to have an account to see it, but anyone can get one of those. Think I'm going to go clean up my account details for privacy.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Cindy - I am also so sorry you have had to go through that. Ugh. How frustrating not to know what is happening. I hope the u/s helps to clear things up. 

PunkElmo, just to say again, we're glad you are posting here. I think in terms of this thread we just need to have a safe place to talk about whatever is gong on in terms of the loss of babies and grief and whatever else comes from that. I am sorry people have felt a need to be rude about your situation in the past, I just don't get people sometimes, honestly.







Hang in there.

Just a tiny thing from here: I think i mentioned in March that I planted a small bush with the tissue from my m/c, just as a small remembrance. And honestly, I knew from past experience that you don't plant anything nice in the front yard in my neighborhood, so I don't know what I was thinking. But there wasn't space or sunlight in the back. It lasted 6 weeks, but this weekend, after it had started to bloom, my little shrub was stolen.







Thank you, sucky people in my neighborhood. (Actually, I mostly love my neighborhood, except for this plant-theft trend.)


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Oh mama, that is horrid! I'm so sorry (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) What would possess someone to steal a plant from someone's yard? :-(

This board can only be seen by members but there are thousands of members and most never post anything at all so we really don't know them. Be aware and be smart with your info/posts.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

MamaButterfly - that's awful! I keep trying to think of some kind of response that would make the plant thieves feel bad - but maybe vengeance is the wrong way to go? I would be devastated if that happened to me though. I'm so sorry.

My due date is this Sunday.

My sister is 18 weeks pregnant and has had some clotting/spotting throughout the first trimester. At her US yesterday they told her that the clot was still there and would continue to stretch as her uterus grows. I don't know much about this, but that sounds dangerous right? I've been frustrated about her pregnancy and her need for attention, but now I'm worried for her, and I feel bad for being so self-centered.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Both of my children were born on Sunday afternoons in late Spring. My due date is this sunday, and everything - the weather, the produce in season, the way the light fills our house, school letting out - all of it makes it feel like this is the season for new babies. I keep thinking that I should be big and uncomfortable and ready to go into labor any minute. I'm full of anxiety and expectation now, waiting for this Sunday to come and go. I don't know what I'm expecting, as if I'd miraculously have a baby after all.

I've been so irritable and depressed lately. I'm losing patience with my children and I'm moody. I feel like a terrible mother. I feel like I don't have the right to be sad about this loss because I would have been such an awful mother to him anyway. I know feelings like this just come and go. But I'm ready for this to go. I'm ready to feel like a good mother again.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *wilson*
> 
> Both of my children were born on Sunday afternoons in late Spring. My due date is this sunday, and everything - the weather, the produce in season, the way the light fills our house, school letting out - all of it makes it feel like this is the season for new babies. I keep thinking that I should be big and uncomfortable and ready to go into labor any minute. I'm full of anxiety and expectation now, waiting for this Sunday to come and go. I don't know what I'm expecting, as if I'd miraculously have a baby after all.
> 
> I've been so irritable and depressed lately. I'm losing patience with my children and I'm moody. I feel like a terrible mother. I feel like I don't have the right to be sad about this loss because I would have been such an awful mother to him anyway. I know feelings like this just come and go. But I'm ready for this to go. I'm ready to feel like a good mother again.


Oh mama! ((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) I so know what you mean about the season for babies and the due dates are soooooooo hard. The worst part for me is the week leading up to it, the day of is not as bad I expect. I also relate to being moody and depressed and then feeling like you don't deserve your baby anyway. I've had that exact feeling and it is so awful :-(. I hope this weekend is gentle for you and you can feel like a good mom again soon. You DID deserve your baby, mama and you have every right to be sad. EFT has helped me tremendously with those feelings and just everything else really. <3


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Thanks, Krista. I'm feeling better today. Last night we had dinner outside and let the kids play in the sun, and I really think being outside and seeing everyone happy really lifted my mood. My husband took off work today since i've been having a rough week, and it's nice just having him around.

I've been lurking in the TTC and PAL threads and now I know why it's so quiet here - you've all moved on to those threads! It feels very different, reading about your pregnancies, than seeing my real life friends pregnant. Your pregnancies fill me with such hope and joy. I should stay away though, because they do make me want to try again - and now is just the wrong time. I don't know, maybe if we get our job situation settled this summer, maybe after that...

Anyone else still here who isn't TTC? Anyone else who's loss was an unplanned pregnancy? Also, does anyone else use the Creighton method (or billings)? I started it after my miscarriage and LOVE it, but I can't find many others who use it. I keep trying to diagnose myself and obsessing about what's "wrong" with me.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Wilson, both of our losses were surprise pregnancies after years of infertility. We've actually been pursuing foster-adoption the whole time, waiting to be matched, so now we are talking about whether we want to start using NFP again, at least until we get a child placed with us. I'll need a refresher course, it's been years! We used Creighton when we used it before.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Sagewinna - I remember now yours was a surprise but you were trying to adopt. We were avoiding all together (just not very well). I was pretty grouchy about the unplanned pregnancy and that makes me feel so undeserving now.

And that's great that you used Creighton! I wish it were more easily accessible, although I can see that the classes make it more effective. Over the last 5 cycles, I've had a varying length post peak (luteal) phase and pre-menstrual spotting. My teacher doesn't seem concerned, but I'm wondering if I have low progesterone. I think that's the only bad thing about family planning methods - I'm already a little bit of a hypochondriac and now I've got tools to help me diagnosing myself!

I feel kinda like a loser for hanging out here 6 months later, but I just can't seem to leave. Maybe after this weekend I'll be able to take some time away. I've been taking time off from my blog (and facebook/twitter) because it just seems like too much noise sometimes - maybe that's why I'm here so much!


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

oh, and Sagewinna- I hope you get matched soon! I think foster parenting and adoption are such beautiful acts of selflessness. Sometimes I think I might like to be a foster parent, when we get our lives more settled.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I'm not TTC, at this point we have given up and just decided to stop trying at all. We are using FAM to avoid pregnancy indefinitely.

None of mine were unplanned really. We stopped using protection shortly before my cycles returned after my youngest was born and we have conceived six times since then and lost them all.

Don't feel bad for hanging around here. I've found that I just can't relate to women who've not suffered loss the same anymore and it drives me here every day. <3


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Oh, Krista - I'm so sorry. I was out of the forums the end of april, and I missed your news. I thought you were still pregnant. I am so very sorry. And I think her named after your grandmother is so beautiful. 6 losses just seems like too much to bear - I'm always impressed by your positive attitude and all of your good advice.

I think I've been feeling sorry for myself, which just makes me whiny. I think its time to let go of that.

tomorrow is my due date. I'm feeling okay. We have a really busy day planned unfortunately, but hopefully I'll be able to pray and light a candle for Nicholas.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

How did it go?


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I woke up yesterday after dreaming about dying in childbirth - which was odd since I don't usually worry about that. But anyway, I woke up with a bunch of anxiety symptoms from the dream (tightness in my chest, nausea), but it went away before long. After that we had a busy, but good day. My girls got in bed with us in the morning and snuggled and were really sweet which just felt like a treasure. And then we went to liturgy about two hours away - it was good to be there and pray and hold my girls and light a candle.

Throughout the day, I had several encounters with animals - a cow walking down the road, a crane flying past us, a deer crossing the road ahead of us, a friendly dog, and later in the evening, seeing a friend's very peaceful but humming bee hive, then watching fireflies with my girls. Nothing quite supernatural feeling, so maybe I was just more in tune with everything, but I felt a sort of peaceful comfort from all of these creatures. Anyone else have animal encounters?

I saw a beautifully pregnant friend, and an out of town friend with a 4 month old - and those moments were both beautiful and difficult. It was okay though. It was also one of those days when I felt like I did most things right with my kids, and so I felt like a good mom. I did have trouble going to sleep again - it seems like nights are harder than days. I'm glad the milestone is past though, I feel like I'm not "expecting" anymore and that brings some peace.

Thank you for being here for me, Krista and everyone.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Oh, wow that is weird about the dream. I don't know how that strikes you but that would be....... very telling to me; I put a lot of stock in my dreams. I'm glad that the day was peaceful and full of love <3 I think that is just the perfect way to spend it and exactly what our babies would want from us.

I know what you mean about not feeling like you are expecting anymore, going through the rest of the "pregnancy" not pregnant just sucks. I have been getting phantom kicks lately and it's very jolting to me when I feel it and realize that I should have a baby in there. It will be nice to get past the due date and just not put myself through this again.

For me the animals are butterflies and dragonflies. I planted a couple of butterfly bushes a couple of years ago for a friend's baby who was stillborn and for her miscarried baby. They bring unusual butterflies to my yard in droves every summer and has really made me feel a connection between butterflies and babyloss. They aren't blooming yet this year but this weekend I was tending my garden with mine and my sister's daughters and this big yellow and blue butterfly started circling us over and over again, getting very close to us. It felt really special because I like to think of the butterflies as a vehicle for the lost babies to come and visit and play <3 Also the other day we saw a big dragonfly on the the side of our house on our deck, right where we could get close and look at it. We see them flying around the yard sometimes but we've never been able to get so close to one before.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Most of the time my dreams are weird random things that are obviously related to the movie I just watched or something, and that kind of thing I tend to ignore. But dreams like this, that stay with me and feel relevant, I do hold on to a bit more. I don't really have any kind of philosophy about dreams, or what this means, but it felt appropriate for my "pregnant" self to die. Perhaps beginning a new phase as the other ends. I don't know. It did seem to be about me though, as I had no idea/concern for the baby in the dream.

That's beautiful about the butterflies! It makes me want to get outside and pay attention.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

"Perhaps beginning a new phase as the other ends" that's a beautiful way to look at it. That's the same feeling I got from the rainbow outside the window as I was birthing my last lost little one. <3


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

sigh.

my other sister just called to tell me she's pregnant. I mean, I'm happy for her really. Not jealous or angry - but maybe pout-y that she didn't remember that my due date just passed and maybe that was worth mentioning. Not that I expected my family to write it down or anything, but it would have been nice if someone had acknowledged it.

I know, I've got to stop pouting. I'm grateful for all of you.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

(((((((((hugs)))))))) It sucks when no one remembers even when you know that no one will. I'm sorry, mama. <3


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## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

PunkElmo - I have been following your story from your DDC. I think its a morbid sense one gets, after a full term loss, to seek out others experiencing the same. I stalk DDCs praying I don't see any posts about stillborn babies, but I feel like I have to know and reply when there are. Anyway, I don't post here much, because I am currently pregnant and I don't want to trigger anyone.

But, my loss is still very new and fresh to me as its only been a bit over 9 months. I would love to be here for you, talk to you, listen, anything at all that you need. PM me if you would like, I'll give you me e-mail, my phone number, anything at all I can do.

Other full term loss mamas were there for me after Jack died, and it helped, a lot, to be able to spill all of my thoughts and emotions to someone who really got it.

I think about you all the time. Please get in touch if you would like.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Krista, I went camping with DD1 this weekend, and the place was filled with these gorgeous purlish dragonflies. I wanted you to know I was thinking of you.

wilson - I did remember your little Nicholas on your EDD; I hope you are feeling some peace, mama.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

thank you, mamabutterfly.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)




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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

My family barely remembered my due date when I was 9 months pregnant, so I have very little hope they'll remember I was due in August.

I have a new niece on the way that is due two days before my Spring would have been, in August. I am genuinely happy for my SIL- she had four losses last year and this will have to be her last baby because of all the complications she's had and her age and general health. I put together a big box of my daughter's hand me downs and things I have rattling around that I won't use even if I have another baby or that I want to replace anyway.

I really want to see the baby after they come home but I know I will be an emotional, weeping mess. I just want to sit with her in a dark room and sob for a while. Just to think about the little girl of my own that I should be holding. But I don't want to upset my SIL or be inappropriate or have her think that I want her baby or that I'm going to make a break with her to Mexico or something.

In other news- I am still recovering from my miscarriage on Friday. I lost about three pints of blood that night and probably another one and a half over the weekend. I'm taking Floradix liquid and pills both, nettle for vitamin K, but I just feel so WIPED OUT. I finally felt good enough on Wednesday and yesterday to go out to the store and farmer's market but then I came home and slept about 24 hours out of 36. I'm still bleeding like a medium-bad period and cramping and have some afterpains- seriously, I feel like I gave birth. Or have been in labor for a week straight.

~Rose


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## mandalamama (Sep 1, 2004)

{{{super hugs for super mamas}}}

i'm just now going through a natural miscarriage. i didn't know i was pregnant until 9 weeks, didn't tell anyone until 12 weeks, 2 days later i started bleeding rather than spotting light pink. i've had a late m/c before at 13 weeks, went natural, had my daughter the following year. i only needed medical help at the end and it was non-surgical. i'm doing this one all alone, though, which sucks. still in shock from going so quickly from celebrating to miscarrying. i feel guilty i didn't enjoy this pregnancy more, i didn't share the joy with anyone. i feel double guilty for not feeling 100% awful i'm miscarrying, i'm 44 and disabled and i have a 6-yr-old and i am TIRED.

the only down-side to not getting a d&c this time is that i would love to get my tubes tied at the same time! this is the second time i've got pregnant while on the pill (and not taking antibiotics!). my insurance won't cover a d&c until it's an emergency, and they say tubal ligation is purely elective. poopies.


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## Vegan Princess (Jun 20, 2007)

Awww Mandalamama, I'm so sorry! I think I was in your DDC. I saw your post there about everything happening for a reason. It's ok to feel what you are feeling mama! I cannot imagine going through that alone. Is there anyone you can call to be with you and help with your daughter? Maybe a midwife? The (homebirth) midwife I was going to use offered to come be with me and give me herbs to help with bleeding, if I decided to go it naturally. I would be afraid to be alone this far along. You will be in my prayers! I hope everything goes smoothly for you and that you are doing ok.

Rose: I hope you feel better and stronger soon! It sounds like you are doing all you can! Perhaps maybe some yummy fruit smoothies packed with greens like spinach? Or some fruit/veg juice? I felt like I needed fresh juice when I was recovering.

Cindy


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## ceriserenee (Sep 22, 2010)

I guess I am in this chat thread also. I was due May 24th, and my son passed away during labor at 41 weeks, on June 1st. The main cause of death was severe torsion of the umbilical cord, but we are waiting on the final pathology reports to see if there were any other factors. I was already 7cm dilated when we had our ultrasound and found that there was no heartbeat, so I gave birth to him vaginally and he was born sleeping at 7pm, weighing 10lbs 6 oz. and was 20.4 inches long.

I am nearly 3 weeks on this journey, and it is starting to get a bit easier. But, every time I have a good day, I have a harder one that follows it. My husband and I were planning on this being our last child. We have a beautiful 3 1/2 year old daughter. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage, so right now I have more angels than live children, but hoping one day to complete our family.

I am sorry for all your losses, no matter what stage and am sorry any of us had to join this thread.


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## Vegan Princess (Jun 20, 2007)

Ceriserenee: I am sooo sorry for all you have been through! I cannot even imagine the pain. You and your family will be in my prayers! I'm glad you've found us over here.

Cindy


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Wanted to say welcome to ceriserenee and mandalamama. I'm so sorry for your losses. It's always heartbreaking to read a new story, but know that you are not alone.

Sometimes I wonder, did that really happen? This happened to me again the other day, and then I remembered my ultrasound pictures. He measured 13 wks and 5 days and he had such a clear shape and body curled up. It was such a reassurance to see him, to remember that he was real. I hadn't really thought much about the US picture from that day, but now I'm so glad I have it.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Ceriserenee, I'm so sorry. I have had more losses than live births as well; I never thought I'd have to walk this earth with less than half of my children, it is so very unfair. I hope you find the love and support that you need.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

I have just been absolutely hitting the wall these past few days. I think something's up with my hormones- I went through something like this with my first miscarriage at around the same time my hCG hit zero. I've just been a weepy, insomniac mess. And having a few symptoms of maybe gearing up for ovulation, so that might have something to do with it. Bracing myself for going back home to Texas for the first time since my dad died is NOT HELPING. Plus my dog who is dying of cancer who I am praying will hang on just a few more weeks so I can see her one more time.

I just really really did not need another miscarriage on top of all of this. At all.

~Rose


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I'm so sorry, Rose. You've had such a rough few months. My emotions are all over the place, too. Sometimes I feel better, and then I just fall apart again.

AFM - I'm trying to feel good, because I'm so tired of being sad. Seems like a bunch of things are coming together for us in other parts of our lives, like job and house stuff. But I still have to be patient - which is so hard. We were talking about whether or not we wanted to try again, and I still don't think we're ready (financially, physically, emotionally) - but we decided maybe next spring? Not set in stone, but it makes me feel good knowing that possibility is there.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Rose and Wilson ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

Rose, I have found progesterone to help me with my hormones after a miscarriage. I use about the half the smallest dose of the cream twice a day until I ovulate the first time (sometimes the second O). Your progesterone tends to be lower than normal after a m/c and can take a couple of ovulations to get back up to normal. It won't help with all the other stuff of course but it is very calming and helps you sleep. <3

Wilson, I'm glad you have the hope of possibility  I hope that improves your mood. Have you tried anything herbally to help with the sadness? St, John's wort, blessed thistle and lemon balm are all good for lifting the spirits.

AFM: I finally went for it and got myself into a naturopath yesterday. Along with my losses I have a lot of other things going on that point to some sort of imbalance in my body and it has really just gotten to the point that we had no choice. She wants me to get some blood work done and has suggested some things for me to do in the meantime while we try to figure out what is going on. I feel really positive about it and that this woman can help me get my body back and that I may even be able to have children again <3


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Oh, Krista, I'm so glad to hear about the blood work and the naturopath! I hope they do get you some answers and whatever else you need. Sending you good vibes and hugs and prayers and all that.

I haven't tried anything herbal, but I've thought about it. I just don't get out to those kinds of stores very often and I don't know a lot about herbal stuff, so it just never gets done. But I'll try to look into it this summer.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Krista- I have some wild yam, maybe I should start taking it again. I'm just worried about messing up my cycles (I have had a whacked out year hormone wise- first I had my IUD out in September of 09, got pregnant in December, miscarried in February, went on birth control in April, got pregnant ANYWAY, and then miscarried again in June). I just want to not touch it until my body evens out naturally.

I am having a hard time getting the other people in my house (my husband and my roommate) to understand the physical realities of my miscarriage. They are not picking up the slack at all and I am getting really pissed off about them being whiny little pissy-pants every time I ask them to help, and then I end up overdoing it and I start bleeding heavy again, just like after a birth. Oh, and I'm the one staying up with my day/night reversed toddler, even though today I did housework and hauled wood for FOUR HOURS and I got LESS sleep than everyone else last night. Asking them to watch my daughter always backfires becuse they can't keep her entertained and out of my bedroom, or they fall asleep on-duty and she just wakes me up.

I am not amused.

~Rose


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

You can take progesterone after O and stop it around 10DPO without it messing up your cycles at all, and it will help your body to get back to normal faster. I have found that, at the small dose that I take, I can take it all through my cycle and it doesn't prevent O or hold off my period because my progesterone is so low after a loss. I also take Maca and a B complex after my losses to get my hormones in line again.

Ugh that other stuff sounds just horrible :-( I'm so sorry you are not getting the help you need. That is really one of the worst things about m/c is that people just don't get it. They don't realize that we have just given birth, they don't realize that we need to rest and that we are at risk of hemorrhage. And we certainly don't get the sweet nursing baby to force us to sit down and relax all the time so it's hard for us to take the time we need anyway. I hope you get to relax some today (((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))

Wilson, Susun Weed is the best person, IMO, to get herbal advice from (for women at least). You can do a google search for a certain herb or "herbs for depression" or another general topic and add her name to it and usually there is something she has written that will come up FILLED with info. <3


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

Ceriserenee and Rose - I'm so sorry for your losses. --hugs--

Krista - I was also thinking of going to a Naturopath, I am just having a hard time justifying the cost, esp. b/c it looks like I'm out of work now.

AFM - I'm trying so hard to get some help from my reg. Dr. After yelling and sobbing to another dr. in the practice, I finally got her to order some blood work - thyroid/metabolic. I can't get the office to read me the results (for a week and and a half now) so I think I'm just going to go by tomorrow and get a copy myself. I'm not sure if I'm going to get the referral to the endocrinologist that I requested b/c the dr. seemed to think that my insurance won't cover anything that has to do with infertility. It's all just going excruciatingly slowly and we're avoiding right now until we get some answers.

Today I'm a little sad - it's the 1 year anniversary of my 1st loss. I can't believe it's been a whole year since strawberry left me and I've lost two more after.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Wendy, sending you love and hugs from here on the anniversary of your first loss. I hope you can find some peace in all of this. What a year you have had. I'm so sorry, mama.








Little strawberry baby

Ceriserenee, I am so sorry for the loss of your little Mateo. What an ordeal you went through, I can't imagine. I'm glad you found us here, and I hope you are able to find some support as you go through this process of healing.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Wendlynn I totally get the cost thing ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) We can not afford it either and had to put it on a card. There was just no other option for me though; my teeth have gotten transparent and my gums are receding, bone density loss :-( I'm afraid I'm going to lose my teeth or start breaking bones. I wish I had gone a year ago. You can order your own bloodwork at Directlabs and go and get it done yourself. Maybe the doctor would be willing to read the results if you came in with them ? My naturopath is having my get a comprehensive wellness panel, it's on sale this week for $69. Just a thought if there is something you feel needs tested and they aren't moving on it. <3


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Wendy, I'm so sorry for the rough year you've had - I know anniversaries are rough.

Hope everyone is hanging in there.


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

thanks for your thoughts. My referral came through and they have a cancellation for Monday, so I'm going to see an endocrinologist - finally! I just really need a dr who is inversted in me personally and who cares and who will have some follow-through and continuity of care and who will fingure out what is wrong. Hopefully this will be the guy! (doing a little dance)


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

YAY!!!! I hope you get an answer and it's something that can be fixed <3


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Krista and Wendy - I was just thinking about you guys and wondering if you've gotten any news from your doctors/naturopaths?


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I got my results back and everything looks normal except my bad cholesterol is little higher than the desirable level. I talk to my naturopath Thursday so hopefully she can shed some light on things for me. In the meantime I've made the connection that wheat makes me feel absolutely out of control :-/ No more wheat for me lol


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

thanks for the support. I had a great appointment monday. the dr. was nice, seemed knowledgable and was invested in finding out the cause. he wants to test for like 6 things i can not pronounce. they sucked 8 vials of blood out of me and i'll find out next week...

krista - ugh. i don't know what i'd do w/o wheat. i'm such a carb-o-holic.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> 
> I got my results back and everything looks normal except my bad cholesterol is little higher than the desirable level. I talk to my naturopath Thursday so hopefully she can shed some light on things for me. In the meantime I've made the connection that wheat makes me feel absolutely out of control :-/ No more wheat for me lol


Quote:



> Originally Posted by *Wendlynnn*
> 
> thanks for the support. I had a great appointment monday. the dr. was nice, seemed knowledgable and was invested in finding out the cause. he wants to test for like 6 things i can not pronounce. they sucked 8 vials of blood out of me and i'll find out next week...
> 
> krista - ugh. i don't know what i'd do w/o wheat. i'm such a carb-o-holic.


Hope you guys both get some answers soon! I would also hate to give up bread, but it'll probably be fun learning new recipes and foods. I hope it helps!


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

oh, yeah. I also wanted to tell you, Krista, that I started taking St. John's wort about a week ago. I read around and it seemed to be the most highly regarded by both herb-y and medical types, so I thought I'd give it a try. I haven't felt an obvious effect that I could say is definitely from the St. John's wort, but at the same time I am feeling better. I want to take it for a full month and see how I feel. So we'll see.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Hi, guys.

I had a dream last night that was so vivid. Sorry if it's weirdly graphic. I was checking my CM for my chart, and as I looked I couldn't figure out what i was looking at - you know how dreams are when things keep changing. Anyway, eventually I could see clearly that I was looking at a small sac filled with fluid, and barely noticeable inside was a tiny little fetus smaller than the tip of my little finger, still in the funny looking stage. I'm sure it wasn't realistic at all as it was this perfect clear bubble and there was no blood. But it was as if another new small life was coming out of me, one that I didn't even know about. It was so tiny and perfect I wanted to just stick it back in and keep it.

It's weird how I obsess over all these details now. I volunteer at a pregnancy center, so I see models and pictures all the time. I'm sure that's where the little fetus image I saw came from. It doesn't upset me to be around all of that, but I wonder if it doesn't make me dwell on things more.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I've had dreams about tiny babies coming out of me too, I guess that's probably something we will all live with ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))) Did the dream feel peaceful? I got a peaceful sense reading it.

AFM: Giving up wheat is totally not a big deal. We eat almost no grains anyway so we are just all going gluten free for the few times a week we do eat grains. I'm cutting them out completely because I'm trying to eat primal.  I talked to my ND thursday and she gave me some things to try/take to see if they help me. Hopefully I will be noticing an improvement over the next month. <3


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

it was pretty peaceful. It seems like dreams like that are so precious because I get to see things when I didn't get to in real life.

What kinds of changes are you looking for exactly? You mean, not necessarily fertility, but general health stuff? Hope you see the changes you're looking for.

I've noticed that with the St. John's wort it seems like my good mood is persisting - and that is unusual since it tends to come and go. So that seems positive to me.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I have had bone density loss. My teeth have become transparent in spots and my gums are receding. :-( My body is also acidic and my skin has bad reactions when it comes into contact with alkaline things. Unfortunately tap water is alkaline and I can not get it on my face without getting a rash around my nose. Then I also have crazy mood swings that feel completely hormonal. So, lots of stuff lol.

I am SO glad the St John's wort is working for you <3 I noticed an improvement with it to but it made me burn in the sun


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## BaconLover (Jul 8, 2011)

well, i just suffered my second loss this past weekend. Went to the dr and they didnt see anything at all in the sonogram, like i'd never even been pregnant. but i have the hpt from sat when i first started cramping badly and the hpt i just took a few minutes ago,, and they are so different its shocking. today i passed a very small piece of tissue that looks like a slug. im still having cramps and i'm just so angry.

i had braced myself for this, knew it could haappen, didnt let myself get attached or daydream too much about being able to hold my baby. i was so happy to get pregnant, i thought it would make July easier to handle, sine that was my due date for the first loss. now i have no baby, no pregnancy to nurture, and i'm jealous and angryat the people who do have kids, especially the ones who dont want theirs.

but i'm so angry. teenagers have babies, crack whores have babies, every effing person on the planet can have babies. why is this so hard for me???

i think i may want to get a dog. did that help any of you all?


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry. <3


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## BaconLover (Jul 8, 2011)

thanks Krista, i appreciate it. I'm feeling much better physically. still bleeding but not much for cramps, and no debilitating ones. it helps just to know people have survived it and are talking about their experiences too.

I was actually also considering a tattoo.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I'm so sorry you're here, again. I know I found some comfort in doing something/anything to honor my baby and acknowledge my loss. It seems like every few weeks I found another something to do. First we had the funeral, and then I got a mother's ring, and then a plant that flowers at the time of year I lost my baby, and then I posted about it on my blog, and then I did a charity project, and then... I think they were all good for me, but, of course, none of them is ever quite enough. I like the idea of a tattoo, and a dog, as long as you have the time and space for one.

AFM - Last night I was kind of grumpy before I went to work because we've just been so busy lately and I miss spending time with my husband. By the time I got home, I was feeling so sorry for DH having to deal with me all the time. But, he was waiting up for me, and made me coffee, and we just sat and talked for awhile. He started talking about Nicholas, which was so great since it seems like I'm always the one bringing it up. I know he knows how I feel much of the time, but it was nice to say it out loud. And it was so good to hear how he was feeling because I don't always know how he feels. He was thinking about how hard this fall would be just to remember where we were this time last year because I was so sick for those months. And he talked about how scared he will be to try again. He just doesn't talk about these things much, and so I don't always know if he thinks about them at all, so it meant so much to me to talk with him. It was just such a positive feeling to talk openly and to have someone share my feelings.


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## BaconLover (Jul 8, 2011)

Thanks Wilson. My hubby is good to talk to as well, though he kind of braces himself for the posssibility of a loss. He wants kids, but he's far ,more concerned about me than about a baby. He's sad, but his primary focus is making sure I'm ok.

Do you get the careful watching and cautious approach, like you're a wild animal or something too? Gah, one panic attack where you cry so hard you can't breath and a few days of comotose responses and binge eating and drinking and they are afraid of you forever! ok, I may have done some creepy hyper focusing on working jig saw puzzles and refusing to sleep for a while, and it may have been several panic attacks...

Seriously though, the first one broke my heart, this one has just made me so angry, I'm kind of refusing to get sad about it, which probably isn't healthy, but whatever, it's the best i can do and hold it together.

I know what you mean. Girlfriends and forums are great places for support, but mates are really the only ones going through it with you, and it makes a huge difference when you get closer and feel like you are in it together.

I'm glad you guys had a good discussion and can talk and work throigh things. It is scary to be so at risk, physically and emotionally.


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

Baconlover - I'm so sorry for your loss.

Wilson - I'm so glad you and dh had a heart-to-heart. It makes such a difference!

AFM - Results all came back normal. Good news. Now I'm anxious about where to go from here. Acupuncturist? Naturopath? RE? Thoughts anyone? I spoke with an acupuncturist today who had suffered fertility also. It was just nice to talk to someone who was empathetic and understanding.


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## BaconLover (Jul 8, 2011)

thanks Wendlynn, I went for a foot acupressure massage today and noticed on the diagrams that the uterus is connected to a part of the foot that had been stiff and painful for me lately. Made me think about pressure points so I think I'm going to see an acupunturist myself, and see about some testing from my obgyn, or is she isn't willing go see a specialist my friend saw, not sure if they are an RE or some other fertility something something.

A girlfriend of mine is in school to become a naturopath, that said, I'm a science person myself... Good luck whatever you decide.

I'm trying to keep in good spirits by humorously laughing at my hubby, who is freaked out that I put my lump of tissue in the fridge for now. Keeps asking if its at least double bagged, if it's still there, etc. I love him. I much prefer dark humor to no humor, morbid as it is.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Another loss at 5wks3ds. This is bullshit. We were trying to prevent so that this wouldn't happen. Apparently we need to be even more careful. Guinness is my friend tonight.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I'm sorry, Krista. I was hoping it would turn out to be something else. Beer was my comfort, too. :\


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

Hey all, I am 8 weeks pregnant but have just learned that the baby died between now and last week. i knew it was in the cards as the heart rate on the little bean was so low. It's totally devastating. I'm showing zero signs of miscarrying and I am strongly leaning toward a D and C. This is so unlike me, but I just need to put a line under these terrible few weeks of radical uncertainty.

I'm so sad.

And hey there, baconlover... so sorry that you lost your little one, too. And I have similar feelings of anger/crossness. Gah.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) Sorry Zubeldia. :-( <3


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Oh, Krista, I'm so sorry. Do they have any explanation at ALL for your recurrent losses?

Z- There's something called Cytotec that you can use to induce the miscarriage- that's what I did with my first one. I was very happy with the choice to miscarry at home but not have to face days or weeks of waiting for it to happen. I had absolutely no signs of miscarriage at all either- I was 10 weeks and going to my first ultrasound and there was just no heartbeat. I used the Cytotec the next day. My story is in the "what to expect when you're miscarrying" thread if you want to read it.

*hugs*

I'm sorry we're all here. =(

~Rose


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I'm so sorry, Zubeldia.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Rose, I have no solid answers as to why I keep losing babies.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

I am so sorry, Krista. You and I had m/c around the same time... I'm so sorry you've had another. I've had two so far.

Have you read the book "Coming to Term"? I found it very helpful and informative, especially when no one has been able to offer you anything definitive.

*hugs* if okay.

~Rose


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

No, I haven't. I have honestly not looked too deeply into why. I have peace with it right now and am exploring natural ways to heal my body and spirit and hopefully this person that keeps trying to come to me will eventually be able to stay. For right now were are trying to prevent (obviously we will have to step up our efforts on that ) and just focus on getting me back to normal <3 Thank you for the book recommendation, I will keep that in mind if I feel the need to seek out answers in the future. This is such a crazy ride I don't really know where it's going to take me from one minute to the next.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

I started my first post-m/c period today, and it's looking like a repeat preformance as far as blood loss and cramping and hormonal flux and God kill me now. My nipples burn like fire and my three year old is bored and wants to nurse and I am about to kill someone.

This Wednesday will make it six months since my first miscarriage.

I'm really over this whole suck system.

~Rose


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## thecountrymouse (Jun 23, 2011)

Hello ladies,

I am reaching out for some encouraging words. It's been almost three weeks since my miscarriage. I am suffering. Please share ways you have coped. I am having a really hard time. -Violet


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## BaconLover (Jul 8, 2011)

Hey yall. Well our situations are still shitty. We had losses, and for me personally, time is pissing me off instead of healing. But I'd rather be angry than hopeless, so yeah. All i want to do is curse. 2 More months at least to get past the 2 cycles, and day 18 after the m/c and I'm not showing any signs of ovulating. I should have a baby by now, this is bullshit.

i struggle to just stay polite in public. People make small talk, and its hard not to tell them to go f*$k themselves. And to at least move out of the way. So when some lady shows up on the news as having cracked and is being studied for being incapable of speaking in anything but obscenities, you'll know it was me.

Retail therapy is kinda helping, but there are people in stores. making small talk. and standing in my way.

Zubeldia, my first miscarriage was missed. I waited a month for it to happen naturally before giving up and having a d&c. I did it because my mental state was deteriorating and i would have to wait 2 cycles after, and i also showed no sign of figuring it out. I actually was thinking I'd reabsorb the baby tissue, like rabbits do, because where the crap was it???


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Violet I have used EFT (emotional freedom technique) to cope with my losses. ((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

Rose, that first period is such a monster :-(

Baconlover, all I want to do it curse too and sometimes I want to hit and/or break/smash things. It's a amazing the urges for violence that swell up in me sometimes. Yesterday was one of those days where I started out sad and then it turned to furious anger.


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## BaconLover (Jul 8, 2011)

Violet - Sorry I missed your post, we must have cross posted. I have been coping through a series of constructive and destructive behavior, whichever I feel like doing at the time... On the constructive side, we are making plans to fix up our house, replace the flooring, do some painting to make it a more calm and soothing place to relax, eating well, snuggling the pets, planning our budget, etc. Also talking to close friends and spending time with people, reading and trying to relax. I picked up the book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" that some people recomended, but I read the section on Anger and dealing with it by doing productive things and it pissed me off so I stopped reading. I'll get back to it as some point.

On the destructive side, I've been spending more money, bought some sandals that i really needed, which is good, but decided I might as well get them in two colors, so maybe a smidge over spending. Bought some suit cases even though I don't travel as much as I'd like, etc. On the far more destructive side, I have been drinking a lot of alcohol. 2 days of heavy drinking in the last few weeks, since I miscarried about the same time... Monday July 18th. The drinking is not healthy, but it is cathartic for me. I let myself cry until I can't cry anymore, and then I play rockband songs really loudly. I don't know why but the melody for "Big Country" makes me feel strongly. The other drinking night I went to happy hour, had to much, and had my sister come get me and take me to dinner until I sobered up enough to get home.

My primary care dr called when she saw my lab work and what I'd been going through. She gave me some anti-panic stuff to take a 1/2 dose at night so I can sleep and actually get rest. I tried it last night and I'm feeling a lot better today. I know a lot of people don't believe in drugs, but I don't see any reason to suffer when I don't have to. Life is sad, the situation sucks, but if you need a little extra help to stay sane and calm and make it through the day and just function, maybe you should call your dr and talk to them? Just don't mix the drugs with alcohol or you'll end up dead.

Krista - I'm constantly amazed how close anger and abject misery are. One minute angry, the next sad, next furious. Life isn't fair. Whenever I hear about 'whoops' babies, or babies being abused it makes me want to punch people in the face. I kind of wish that only healthy embryo's would concieve, that the unhealthy / genetically broken ones would just fail to implant. Seems like it would be less heart breaking.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Violet - I've fluctuated, like Baconlover said, between really being constructive and destructive. But the constructive stuff does help some. I did a project for a few months, making dress up crowns (like the one in my profile pic) and giving them away to children in need in my sons name. It was really helpful to me to be doing something, and it gave me a subtle way to talk about what was going on in my life to other people in a positive context. Also, because it was outward focused, I saw so many other people suffering, it helped me not just feel sorry for myself. I really like the idea of doing something good in the baby's name. Here's my project: http://wewilsons.blogspot.com/p/nicholas-crown-gallery.html And I got the idea from the kindness project here: http://www.missfoundation.org/kindness/index.html

BUT - I've continued to also have a lot of down days/months. I definitely get irritable/angry when I'm depressed too. I mentioned earlier I started taking St. John's wort to help my mood and I really believe now it's made a big difference. I took it for 3 weeks, and didn't have any off days. Then when I ran out I started feeling irritable again, so I started taking it again. I don't know if I'll need to take it forever or how that works - but what it says to me is that there is more to this sadness than just being sad (even if it's justified sadness). I'm a big believer in treating depression - in whatever way works for you. It doesn't make the grief go away, of course, but it does help you learn to live with the grief.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I've been drinking and shopping more than I should too. What else can be expected really? Luckily my retail therapy is mostly done on supplements and herbs by order of my naturopath and I can't afford much alcohol lol What really gets me, though, is the urge to shop for maternity clothes. :-( Last fall I was pregnant and planning my winter maternity wardrobe; I lost that baby in october and never got to buy/wear the things I wanted. When I got pregnant last month I realized that I would need the winter maternity clothes again and started yearning to buy them. *sigh I still want to buy the dang clothes even though I have no purpose for them, like it would make me feel better to just pretend that I was pregnant and going to have a big belly with a healthy baby. Then I get totally depressed and then furious and then I get sick of it and just feel better. Ugh, just going back and reading that makes me want to punch something. I'm so sick of women who don't understand this. I HATE to see a new mom "join our group" but it makes me so mad that they all get to share their news with no reservations, shop for clothes without wondering if they will really need them and plan for their births without feeling silly for thinking that they might actually have a baby. Meanwhile we struggle through the day with our empty bellies measuring time since we lost our babies and wondering if we can ever have another. Unfair just doesn't cover it.

Baconlover, if you need drugs to get through this then go right ahead. ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Wilson, I'm so glad the st john's wort is helping you! <3


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## thecountrymouse (Jun 23, 2011)

KristaDJ- I haven't heard of EFT. I've done EMDR which might be similar- re framing an experience with a different reaction. I'm botching the description of EMDR but whatever. I'll look into that. I have a book of prayers that help- help clear my field, breaking ties, and protecting myself. I need help from the higher power.

Baconlover- I also am doing house projects. It helps get my energy out. I am overwhelmed with my home and want to get rid of everything, clear everything out.

Wilson- I love your blog! What a cute, bright place!

My goal right now is to create a space for myself to sew and do more art. I also want to work on the outside of my house and the landscaping.

I am a teacher and I am not going back to work in the fall. I didn't renew my contract because I wanted to get pregnant (and stay pregnant!) and not teach while pregnant and with a little baby. I am grateful that I don't have to teach while still dealing with the emotions of all this. I now have the time to heal, work on my house, and spent time with my family.

I saw a clairvoyant in the early spring and she told me NOT to get pregnant for a year. I didn't listen. I've seen her before and she has always been right on. She said I need time for myself, time to get healthy, time to spent with my daughter, time to just be me. I have spent most of my life doing things for other people- in my job and in my personal life and family. She said that there wasn't a spirit wanting to get in at that time. This might be really out there to some of you, sorry. I am a very spiritual person and not all of my questions are answered from one place.

As far as medication, drugs, and drinking... where do I even start. I had a gluten free beer after my miscarriage and it was the saddest beer in the world. I wanted to be pregnant and not be able to drink that beer. I have been having wine and some gf beers. I have xanax and have taken a very small dose several times since the miscarriage. Panic is my overwhelming emotion. Panic and despair. I was given a prescription for antidepressants, Wellbutrin which I have taken on and off for the past 10 years. It works pretty well for me, although my husband says I'm extra distant when I take it. He often says that I am distant but that is how I've always been. I am a bright light but I'm pretty far out. The Dr also gave me Amitriptyline which he thought I should take instead of the wellbutrin and xanax but I am scared to try something new and have it not work. I wasn't going to take any antidepressants but as of today, I am going to take Wellbutrin. I am a wreck. I know lots of this is the grieving process and the hormones but I have a history of depression and this situation isn't helping.

I haven't tried retail therapy. I should. My mom came over today to help me clean my house. We both agreed that I would get a lot more out of fixing up my house than counseling.

Thank you for the feedback. I hope you all had an OK day and if you didn't, then as my daughter said to me this morning, "Tomorrow will be a better day." Or one of my most frequently used sayings, "This too shall pass." -Violet


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## BaconLover (Jul 8, 2011)

Wilson, i love your crown! i'm not very artsy, but i think i'm going to take up photography as a hobby.

Krista - how's this for a sick retail want... I want to buy cloth diapers. i have no kids, no use for them, nothing. I could try putting them on the cat, but i'd scare them and likely end up bitten.

Violet - whatever spirits float your boat, i'm glad you can take comfort in them  I am with you on the panic feelings. My current panic feelings are morphing into a form or restlessness than makes me want to skip town, shave my head and generally self destruct with tattoos, liquor, and the urge to just drive and keep driving forever. The first loss i had months of random panic attacks where i would suddenly be unable to breathe and then cry, which didnt help the unable to breath part. I'm glad you are working to try and work through your feelings. Just wanting to try is a good sign.

AFM - Today was much better for me, probably from residue from the anti-panic drug i took at bedtime last night. i didnt feel stressed from my normal nightmares, at last not overly stressed. Tonight i was trying to decide between alcohol or the drug... i guess the drug wins, since its too late to drink.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

> Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> Wilson, I'm so glad the st john's wort is helping you! <3


Thanks, Krista!



> Originally Posted by *violetray*
> Wilson- I love your blog! What a cute, bright place!
> 
> My goal right now is to create a space for myself to sew and do more art. I also want to work on the outside of my house and the landscaping.
> ...


Thanks. I treat it kind of professionally, so I didn't write about the miscarriage or any of the other serious stuff in my life - which has made it kind of hard to deal with. I decided to take the summer off from blogging because I just didn't want to have to be so happy and bright this summer with my due date coming and all. It was good to have a break and I'm glad to be getting back to it now. I'm glad you are going to have a break this fall and I hope it is really healing for you.



> Originally Posted by *BaconLover*
> 
> Wilson, i love your crown! i'm not very artsy, but i think i'm going to take up photography as a hobby.


Thank you! I'm a big believer in art therapy - so I think photography sounds great.

I'm so sorry about all the tough times going on now. I wish I could give you all a hug, or that we could talk in person. I don't have any close girl friends in real life and that's hard sometimes. My sisters and I used to be close, but not so much now that I've kind of changed my spiritual beliefs and that's hard for them to understand. T

wo of my sisters are pregnant now, and like you said Krista, there is not a single worry in their mind that they won't have a baby in the end. My sister that I'm closest to talks all the time about baby names, and what kind of birth she's having, diapers she's using, etc. and it's so frustrating to me. I've been around a lot of pregnant women since my loss, but this seems to be the hardest because I feel like she should understand. She called to tell me she was pregnant the week of my due date, which was hard but I just said congratulations and was happy for her. Later she called to see if I was upset, and I told her that was my due date and it was hard, but I am happy for her and didn't expect her to know the significance of that date for me. She told me she DID remember, and that's why she thought I might be upset. But she never said anything like, I know that must be hard for you, or I'm sorry or acknowledged it in anyway. So if she remembered could she not have said something?

My other sister has a SCH and she's now close to 30 weeks, so it is kind of dangerous at this point. I've been worried she would lose the baby the whole time. But she isn't worried at all. She just keeps lamenting that her doctor doesn't think she should have any more after this. Which seems to be about creating drama for herself, rather than actually being worried about the really serious thing - which is HER BABY COULD DIE. She's like the least informed patient ever, so maybe she just really doesn't understand the risks, or maybe she's in denial. Maybe I just think all babies are going to die now. I don't know.

I don't like feeling victimized all the time, but I wish they could acknowledge my loss, you know?

BUT - after that long rant, I have to say that I'm getting to a much better place. I've only had one loss, and now I'm 8 months out, so I feel like this is how it should be. I still think about him a lot, of course, but the grief isn't so overwhelming now. Of course, that may not last, especially if we ever try again, but I think it's a positive step. I'm hoping you guys are moving towards peace, too.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

EDMR sounds like matrix re-imprinting; I do that in conjunction with the EFT.

The clairvoyant's answer doesn't sound far out to me, that is exactly the same way I look at things. With mine I can feel the baby that wants to come and keeps coming back but there is something that we need to do/change before he can stay. I need to work with my friend (the eft practitioner) to try to find out what it is but I guess I'm scared to :-/

Fixing up the house totally helps. We've done a lot of that these past two years <3


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

I'm afraid I won't ever want a baby the way I once did- the way I did before I lost any- when I just wanted to get pregnant and BE pregnant and have a homebirth and a baby and nurse and cosleep and babywear... all I think about it is how scared I am.

I read tarot cards and been getting lots of LOL YOU'RE FUCKED readings. Physically I think we could TTC this cycle... I don't know. I just cannot go on HBC and condoms make me want to cry, so we're doing FAM and I'll just be careful with the benzos and drinking and test super early. So we'll see.

I think despair would most accurately describe how I feel today. I lost my baby girl, Spring, six months ago. I would have been 16 weeks pregnant with my son, Dove. My dog is dying and we might have to put her to sleep.

Someone just wake me up in six months and maybe all of this will be over....

~Rose


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

aw, Rose, I'm so sorry. It's just too much loss for one person. Sending many healing hugs your way.

Wilson, I have very close friends who are pregnant and it's very, very difficult. Baby loss changes everything - and the naive way I approached pregnancy the first time (as in, when I get to 8 weeks I am home free) has gone forever.

Krista and Baconlover - me too on the maternity clothes and cloth diapers.

I feel still in shock, honestly. And then I wake up completely depressed and sad and full of longing to be pregnant again. I was 9-10 weeks when I had the d and c but the baby died around 7 or 8 weeks. Anger is not an emotion I feel all that often but it is something I feel very strongly right now. Gah.

We've just started the process of building a house so that is pretty constructive, and I go back to work soon (Im a college professor) and I'm getting my syllabi ready, hiring people (I'm also chair of the department), and then I feel incredibly sad that I will be there during the Spring semester when I should be on leave having this dead baby.. I also need to get back into some training. I was training for a half ironman before I got pregnant and whilst I can;t do that now (which also is pissing me off a I spent all winter and spring training for it) I should start going out for some runs or bike rides before I totally lose the plot.

And count me in on the cursing. As I drove away from the fetal and maternal place where cardiac activity was no longer detected, I put on Lily Allen's 'f^&@ you" song very, very loudly. I am not drinking but I have to say that the anesthesia gave me a nice drunk buzz when I was coming around and it reminded me of that very nice checked-out feedling. But I am still nursing my 2 year old so it's not really an option. But being furious with my DH ALL of the time is not helping me one bit.. and yet I keep up this rage with him, which is totally unfair to him. Oh, yes, retail therapy... I just keep buying tons and tons of stuff for my toddler.

Anyway, I am going to try and focus on getting my body back into shape and have it be as healthy as can be.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Rose, I felt like that too a while back; that I would never want to be pregnant again but I DO. There was definitely a point in there where I didn't want it at all but it is so strong now I can't even stand it sometimes :-( I'm so sorry about your dog <3 I had a dog from 3yo-16yo and had to have him put to sleep, it was absolutely devastating.


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## organicmamacafe (Mar 23, 2011)

Punk Elmo - I am so very sorry to hear of your loss! Friends of ours went through this and it was devastating. I would encourage you though that although you went through a full term loss, most moms who have miscarried had to go through labor as well - even at three months and it is just as intense (possibly more because there is no gradual work up) as a full term birth. Mine certainly was - though I'm not dismissing the pain you are going through! No matter at what stage a baby is lost, mothers grieve deeply.

Wendlynn - I have to agree that progesterone testing might be a great idea for you. A friend had an OB kind of "poopoo" her miscarriages as normal till she'd had more of them so she left the practice and went to another doc. They tested for progesterone imbalance immediately and sure enough, hers was way off. With regular supplements, her very next pregnancy was successful. She now has two healthy little ones!

As to feeling angry about other moms getting ready to deliver...I think it's probably normal. I haven't been angry about it so much as tearful in embarrassing moments - like when I was holding my girlfriend's baby at a wedding reception with friends. It just hit me so hard - unexpectedly. But, the closer I get to my due date the more I feel the loss that I would have had my baby in just a few weeks. I think I might feel differently if my miscarriage wasn't so dangerous. I won't go into it here but because so many moms said it was a 'silent pain' they carried, I chose to write about it on my blog. http://www.organicmamacafe.com/?p=129

Thanks for this thread. It is nice to read about other moms who are going through the same thing.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Organicmamacafe - welcome to our group. The silent pain thing is so true, and is what makes this forum such a life saver. You can pretty much say anything here.  I am sorry for your loss, and how traumatic it was. I like what you said in your blog post about about changing the landscape of your heart. I feel that way, too.

Zubeldia - we're building a house now, too! It's a little stressful, but exciting. We buried our baby on our land (we have about 20 acres), but we don't live there now - so I've been so eager to get out there and be closer to him. That seems weird to say, but I look forward to it. I think shock was my dominant emotion for awhile, too.

I keep having these urges to write or link to a blog post to share about this grief and how naive all my pregnant happy friends are. At first it feels appropriate, and enlightening and I think I should do that. They should know this. And then I stop for a moment, and think about it from my happy friends view, and realize they will just think I'm bitter and attention seeking. And it suddenly seems like a really dumb thing to do. I just wish there was a way to subtly say, please, don't forget about my baby.


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

Is it okay if I jump in? I've posted a bit in TTC after loss, but we're not really ready to TTC even though I'm pretty positive that I want to. I think this might be a better fit, though I'm going to continue to lurk there.

I can totally relate to having both constructive and destructive responses. I'm trying to use this time in limbo to center myself, learn to live day-to-day, and learn to trust God and my body more. But then yesterday I found myself driving 70 in a 40 mph zone and wanting to scream. Today I'm back to listening to calming music and yoga stretches... But there's that awful ball of frustration and pain inside me just waiting for some kind of release. I hope I'm able to start running again sometime soon. Physical activity would be SO therapeutic for me right now, but I'm not sure how long it will take me to recover from the blood loss. It wasn't as bad as OrganicMamaCafe's, but I lost at least 3 units and only got 2 back.

I also posted my story on my blog. Almost all of it was posted on my DDC (Jan 2012) and some here as well, but if anyone wants to read it, it's out there. Like OrganicMamaCafe, I put it out there in the hopes that maybe it will help someone else. It also may help my family and friends to know how I am feeling when I'm too chicken to talk about it. And it was helpful to me to just write it all out. Painful, yes, but in a cathartic kind of way.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

Hi ladies,

I am sad to be over here, but thank you all for sharing your stories, I'm not sure why but it is helpful to read.

This was my first pregnancy, conceived with IVF due to sperm issues with DH. We had a viability ultrasound at 8 weeks and everything looked good. But I started to have some spotting/light bleeding last weekend. This past Thursday we went for what was supposed to be a NT scan ultrasound - and discovered the baby had died.

They think she died at around 9 weeks. I was shocked because I had such bad morning sickness up until about a week ago, but the doctor said the placenta kept producing hormones so that is why. I would have been 13 weeks on Friday.

Now I'm waiting and hoping the miscarriage will complete on its own. This part is very hard, I never knew this could happen. My doctor wants to wait at least a week for it to happen naturally because he said a D & C could cause fertility problems later. I haven't seen this info anywhere else, they are probably overly cautious since they are a fertility clinic...

organicmamacafe, I read your story, thanks for telling it... but I think I have the opposite problem, as I've still only had very light bleeding. I just want this to be over with.

I've been thinking of the baby as little Dot... we had been joking that if its middle name was Dorothy, it could be Firstname Dot Lastname... also from the embryo transfer, when it was just a white dot on the screen.


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## organicmamacafe (Mar 23, 2011)

Wilson - I understand how you feel. I debated before writing my story but felt impressed by the number of women who came out of the wood work to talk about their miscarriages. Several asked me to write about it because they knew about my blog. In every post I've included since (because I promised to talk about recovering), I've worried that people might think I was being self seeking. But the truth is, losing a pregnancy is the same as losing a baby - you just haven't met him or her yet. A death in the family is significant event and takes time to recover from. As I said in my initial post, one of the most difficult things about recovering emotionally from a loss like this is the fact that there is no way to mark your loss, such as a funeral. Other people know it happened (or not if you don't share) and they often don't want to talk about it or just expect you to "move on".

Part of my determination to be open about it has been to include it in my conversations, matter of factly, if it is appropriate. I know that seems strange to some people but I don't really care. I lost a child as surely as if one had died post birth and almost lost my life in the process.

That was the second reason I wrote about it. Prior to my miscarriage, I had not considered that one could die of a miscarriage. After all, it was so small still. I wanted to share with women to be careful and attentive to their blood loss. Because I chose to share, a girlfriend of mine realized she was hemorrhaging this weekend and went to the hospital right away.

As women, we need to be willing to connect with each other and be vulnerable about our experiences, both happy and painful. It's not really about making those friends who are pregnant feel badly about their successful pregnancies. Nobody wants that. It's more about connecting with those people who understand or who need a word of encouragement.

I'm genuinely sorry for your loss. Perhaps writing about it on your blog will give you a way to mark it and provide some healing. If you do, I hope you'll share with us.


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## thecountrymouse (Jun 23, 2011)

In response to this topic of sharing your experience, pregnant friends and family, and how we are feeling/grieving...

Since my miscarriage, I have discovered who my true friends are. One friend has completely ignored me but others have checked in with me every couple days, brought me flowers, taken my daughter for a playdate so I can work out my feelings, and truly showed me that they love me. I don't ever want to be around that one friend again. I feel like I can't trust someone if they can't reach out during such a huge loss. A facebook message just doesn't cut it. I lost a baby, a future, a dream I have had my whole entire life.

To Wilson and others that have pregnant friends- yikes, that would be hard. I don't know what I would do. I guess golden rule "treat others how you want to be treated." And it would also depend on the relationship. Good luck with that. I feel for you all.

As for grieving- I have to do hard manual labor for as long as I can. I shoveled gravel and wood chips all day long. I've ripped out old cabinets with a crowbar. There isn't a single weed in my garden. Today I am painting a room in my house a beautiful yellow color. I tried drinking my pain away but that only made it worse. My hormones haven't mellowed out and adding sugar spikes to my system really wrecked me. I have cut out almost all sugar this last week and it has really helped.

A family friend who had lost a baby that was 7 days old told me to grieve, to get it out and not hide it, not cover it up. She said the loss will never go away. Actually, all my friends who have had miscarriages have told me this. It get's easier but the loss never goes away. So that is what I am doing- grieving and getting as much of my anger and sorrow out of my body as I can using crying, writing, good friends, and manual labor. But also remembering to take it easy and to be grateful for the life that I have.

-Violet


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *violetray*
> 
> . . .As for grieving- I have to do hard manual labor for as long as I can. I shoveled gravel and wood chips all day long. I've ripped out old cabinets with a crowbar. There isn't a single weed in my garden. Today I am painting a room in my house a beautiful yellow color. I tried drinking my pain away but that only made it worse. My hormones haven't mellowed out and adding sugar spikes to my system really wrecked me. I have cut out almost all sugar this last week and it has really helped.


I would love to be able to do manual labor, run, etc. Because of the blood loss I sustained, I should take it easy... But most days, I just can't. Today I started ripping the weeds and crab grass out of my neglected flowerbeds. I didn't do a lot... But the weeds are terrible because I was so sick while I was pregnant that I didn't do much at all in the yard. I know I'll pay for it later and probably start bleeding again, but I just have to do something to get it out or I'll go nuts, YKWIM?


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

I realize I just posted, but... I need somewhere to whine before I start posting horrible, self-pitying statuses on Facebook. Aside from the obvious misery surrounding our miscarriage, I've been on a run of really crappy luck. We've had two big tree limbs fall on our property, and both were big and high enough up that we had to call in tree trimmers to take care of it (total of $600 and our lawn was ruined by their Bobcat driving over it). Our main drain backed up, flooded the kitchen and basement, and we had to have a clean-out installed ($900). Our car needed $1400 worth of work due to a design flaw in the engine. The car we bought for my step-daughter just had the engine blow up in it, so we'll probably have to scrap it ($3100 + the time DH spent fixing it up down the drain). We owe my mom about $500 for our portion of the cabin we rented for vacation (the "vacation" where I lost poor Baby A). My kitty has a benign tumor and needs to have it surgically removed, but now we have no money for the surgery. Medical bills are starting to come in for my three hospital visits and umpteen ultrasounds. And I'm on unpaid medical leave from work right now, so money is really tight.

We're fortunate enough not to have any debt, and we had a savings account. But I'm starting to feel kind of like Job. I'm so tired of bad things happening. Can't I have just one good thing? One?

I feel incredibly shallow for bitching about money when I just lost two babies, but I'm feeling so angry and bitter right now!!


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

diana -







that sounds really hard, that is a lot to deal with at one time. I am totally not functional enough to deal with stuff like that right now - poor DH is mid job search so that's no fun for him either.

violet - here I thought I was the only one weeding and doing projects. Sitting at my desk is HARD, I would rather be shoveling rocks for sure.


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

Laggie - What a terrible time to be looking for a job... I'm sure both you and DH are stressing over it. I've also never heard about D&C causing fertility problems (I got pg with DS immediately following mine back in '08...). Better safe than sorry, though. I'm sorry that you're in limbo right now. Have you talked to your doctor about taking cytotec or another medication to induce instead of having a D&C? Or would that be more traumatic for you?

Speaking of sitting... My bum hurts from sitting so much!


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *diana_of_the_dunes*  I've also never heard about D&C causing fertility problems (I got pg with DS immediately following mine back in '08...). Better safe than sorry, though. I'm sorry that you're in limbo right now. Have you talked to your doctor about taking cytotec or another medication to induce instead of having a D&C? Or would that be more traumatic for you?


There are a couple of fertility issues that could come about from a d&c. First on being they strip too much of the lining during the process, and it takes longer than usual to build it back up again, which means waiting until your lining builds back up to an acceptable length before trying again. (I presume they measure it for IVF purposes?)

Second is that (possibly), the d&c could cause adhesions, or scar tissue to build up, meaning that there are some places in the womb where implantation can't happen. This is a pretty small risk. In fact, the risks are altogether quite small. I've had 3 d&cs, but I had a hysteroscopy after my second one to check the status of my uterus, and it was fine.

It's quite possible that may take several weeks for the miscarriage to happen on it's own... Measuring your hcg can help to see if it is dropping - the quicker/more it has dropped, the sooner it will likely happen. If you decide to wait it out, you need to keep yourself mindful of the signs of infection (fever, pain, nasty discharge, shakes, sweats), so that you can be seen asap if things start to head that way. I would also be aware that you should expect more that just a "heavy period". My first loss was 12w5d, and it was mini labour. I'd suggest reading some of the "what to expect" thread. Also, obviously you read Organicmama's blog, so you are aware of the risk of a haemorrhage. That being said, once things kick into gear, and you have cramping/bleeding, it's really, really important that you not be left alone. You need an adult in the house at all times.

Sorry for thread crashing, and best of luck


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## organicmamacafe (Mar 23, 2011)

Oh Diana! What a list of challenges you have had to endure! I don't have any answers for you but want to encourage you that there are women here who have been through severe loss and who are supporting you in spirit through this time.

Just before my oldest daughter was born (she's five), my brother died of cancer and my mom was diagnosed with it. When my daughter was six months old, my mother died. My dad followed her six months later. Oh, my dog died in the middle of all that too. Kind of like a bad country song, eh?

I am not saying this to garner sympathy - simply to let you know I genuinely understand your discouragement, although they were adults and not my children. I felt like the world was just against me for a while. I have no great advice other than to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep looking for the bright moments in your days. Doing physical work will help heal you in a surprising way. One day you will wake and the pain won't be as raw. It will be more of a comfort than you realize.

You'll be in my thoughts in the coming days.


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

The nice thing (for me at least... Not so much for you ladies who have to listen to me whine!) is that writing is therapeutic. If I can write it all out, and know that someone, somewhere has read it, I feel a lot better. So my bout of self pity this morning didn't last too long. I'm not exactly looking for sympathy either, I just need to vent somewhere. It is nice to know that I'm not the only one who has had a run of terrible luck. And illness/death is way worse than anything financial. The nice thing about money is that you can always make more. That's not the case with your family. I'm sorry you lost so many loved ones in so short a time. That must have been really hard on you, especially with a new baby.

I really don't feel like the world's against me. Honestly, 99% of the time I feel like I live an extremely blessed, almost charmed life (oddly enough, I even feel pretty good about my life even in light of the loss of my babies). I have a DH who loves me, takes great care of me, and is the best daddy ever; a beautiful son; wonderful family and friends; a stable job I love; a decent income; and no real problems most of the time. I really shouldn't even complain right now. We haven't had to go into debt again, and I'll be back to work by the end of the month. I know we'll be fine, even if it's a bit tight at the moment.

I got the okay from my midwife to do more physical activities as I feel able. She said that as early as next week, if I feel able, I can start power-walking and building up to jogging/running. That will be a huge stress reliever, and then I won't have to come here to whine as often.







((But thanks to everyone for listening!







))


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Diana - feel free to post as much/often as you need! It does seem like you have a lot going on now, and that is so unfair. I'm sorry. I hope things slow down for you soon.

Milk8shake - You're not crashing. You're always welcome here, and your advice is always appreciated. You've been on my mind a lot lately, and I'm so sorry for all that you've been through.


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## Nazsmum (Aug 5, 2006)

May I hang here for a bite? Going to the midwife tomorrow...it does not look good.


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Nazsmum*
> 
> May I hang here for a bite? Going to the midwife tomorrow...it does not look good.


So sorry to hear that you may have bad news... You are certainly welcome to join us, though of course we all wish we weren't here. I'll be hoping for the best for you.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

Nazsmum, I hope you won't need to be here after all, but of course you are welcome!

Yesterday I left work early and started to have bad cramping when I got home. It lasted all afternoon and evening and there was a fair amount of bleeding. It stopped when I went to bed with a heating pad (or at least I fell asleep pretty fast so it must have.) I don't know if it's finished though, I keep expecting to see something that might have been the baby or the placenta but it has just been some clots. I'm not sure if it's possible for that to be all or not. No cramps today so far, although I feel like my body waited until I was at home to start.


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## thecountrymouse (Jun 23, 2011)

Reading everyone's posts and having this safe place to share my experience means so much to me. Thanks ladies for opening up during all this pain. I feel less alone and it is healing to write and know someone is reading this who understands. -Violet


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## thecountrymouse (Jun 23, 2011)

I want to jump for joy! There is light at the end of this dark tunnel full of hormonal bumps and dips. I just got my period. I just know this will help with my emotional state and help my body. I had a few cramps the last couple days. Each cramp brought me tears as I remembered the last awful cramps I had. Its been exactly 4 weeks since the D & C. Oh, sweet relief! -Violet


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *violetray*
> 
> I want to jump for joy! There is light at the end of this dark tunnel full of hormonal bumps and dips. I just got my period. I just know this will help with my emotional state and help my body. I had a few cramps the last couple days. Each cramp brought me tears as I remembered the last awful cramps I had. Its been exactly 4 weeks since the D & C. Oh, sweet relief! -Violet


I'm looking forward to getting mine too. I'm afraid it will be a little traumatic, but at least then it will be over with. I think that watching my body move oh physically will also help me to move on mentally, which seems to be the case for you as well. I can tell my hormones are going a bit wacky right now, cause I've been crabby and am breaking out like a teenager. Maybe that means I'm starting to revert to pre-pregnancy levels. I'm also looking forward to TTC again. I'll never forget my lost little ones, but I want our plans for our family to move forward. I want to remind myself that my body can work the way it's supposed to.

I have a follow-up appointment with my midwife on 8/23. I spoke with her on the phone two days ago, and she said that based on the placental exam, there's no reason we can't start TTC after that. We have to wait to ensure that I have no lingering infection, but once we're sure that's cleared up, I can return to "business as usual". She also said I can start running again next week if I have stopped bleeding and feel able.

Crazy how I was totally wallowing in misery a few days ago, and now I feel very hopeful and excited about the future. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster... Wonder what tomorrow will bring?


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

Diana, I am hopeful too - waiting to go to my doctor tomorrow so I can find out when we can try again. I know it is a long shot (we have one frozen embryo after our IVF cycle) but I have to look forward.

Last night I woke up around midnight with cramps that were quite a bit more painful than the night before - the pain was almost constant, whereas the night before there were some pauses in between the worst cramps. It was bad enough that I was feeling like maybe I should go to the hospital - although doing so seemed like too much work to even contemplate. I wasn't bleeding at all so I felt like surely I could get through it. Eventually I passed a big chunk of tissue and the cramping stopped immediately. So, again I'm hoping that was the worst of it.

I buried it in the backyard under a little tree. I think I will do a little smudging ceremony this Saturday at the next full moon. I'm not usually into that sort of thing, but when I buried it, I had a strong feeling of all the women in my family, going back generations and generations, doing the same thing. I'm sure my ceremony will be a hodgepodge of cultures and modern invention, but that's what I am too. I found two feathers this morning, one pure white white and one solid black, and I plan to use them for smudging. I have some sweetgrass that I got on a trip with DP's parents in April.


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## incorrigible (Jun 3, 2007)

I kind of lurk in here some but don't post because well, talking about it makes it more real, you know? =/ I have been doing a pretty darned good job of not thinking about it and figured I'd finally be able to really move on when my hormones eventually got back to normal. My body is just all out of whack and professional opinion is that it "could take up to a year" for my cycle and all to be normal again. I didn't really think it would take even this long though. It's been like 7 months already! TTC again is not anywhere near an option right now, and I was already heavy before my body decided to just pack on the extra weight for the fun of it. (hormones suck. don't even ask about the new hair growth!) It all just hit me like a ton of bricks today though. I made facebook friends with a couple gals from my ddc and the pregnancy updates didn't get to me...I was even more happy than sad when reading the birth stories. This afternoon, the last of my ddc facebook friends had her baby. They've all been wonderful, happy, healthy homebirths. No complications. More than each one had hoped for from their births. I was really happy for them. I am still, on some level. Only, I can't stop crying. I can't stop noticing what's missing and what a mess I am physically right now. I'm not jealous or bitter toward others...or even sorry for myself. I'm just....sad. I just want my baby and my birth and my arms are empty and it sucks.


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## thecountrymouse (Jun 23, 2011)

Incorriglible- I am sorry you are sad and crying. I understand as I spend lots of time sad and crying. I hope things get better for you. -Violet


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

incorrigible - I totally get the "just sad" feelings. That's mostly how I feel as well. I'm not angry, I'm not jealous, I'm not really anything. Just sad. I miss the opportunities I'll never have to hold my babies and watch them grow. I'm so sorry that you're in the same place. Just cry. It does help. I've also found that talking (or writing) about it is really therapeutic. I sometimes feel like an attention-monger, but it's safe here because we all know, and we've all been through something similar. I hope you can find a way to find a little release from your pain and sadness...


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## incorrigible (Jun 3, 2007)

thanks, guys. just having a place where people "get it" does me a world of good. I can't bare to talk to anyone in RL about it. Most just feel so SORRY for me. They mean well, but it makes me feel horrible. Then there's the ones that think saying something really callous will "snap me out of it." =/ I'll just keep my feelings to myself, thanks. lol The one friend I have that responded to the news with a frank "oh ya. btdt. totally sucks." I feel guilty mentioning it to because she wanted nothing more in life than to have babies and has gone through years of painful torture trying to overcome an illness that has made her barren along the way. I DO have 2 great kids already...it really kind of IS selfish of me to make a fuss over not having even MORE of them. She would never say...and probably never even think that...but something in my brain is yelling it at me, you know?


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## cygknit (Apr 14, 2009)

Hi. I've been reading this thread and a few others here almost constantly the last few days. I think I'm losing the numb feeling enough to respond and participate. Though I wish I didn't have to. Thanks for letting me read and deal, because reading about your stories and the little happy things, and the getting though each day, has really helped ME to get through each day. So, thanks.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *incorrigible*
> 
> thanks, guys. just having a place where people "get it" does me a world of good. I can't bare to talk to anyone in RL about it. Most just feel so SORRY for me. They mean well, but it makes me feel horrible. Then there's the ones that think saying something really callous will "snap me out of it." =/ I'll just keep my feelings to myself, thanks. lol The one friend I have that responded to the news with a frank "oh ya. btdt. totally sucks." I feel guilty mentioning it to because she wanted nothing more in life than to have babies and has gone through years of painful torture trying to overcome an illness that has made her barren along the way. I DO have 2 great kids already...it really kind of IS selfish of me to make a fuss over not having even MORE of them. She would never say...and probably never even think that...but something in my brain is yelling it at me, you know?


Don't listen to your brain. I don't know about you, but my brain lies to me all. the. time. You're allowed to have as many kids as you want. Not to say I don't understand what you're saying--I have two kids and lost this third. I guess I'm just trying to say that we all have our own losses and trying to compare them only makes us crazy, and I don't want that for any of us.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Incorrigible and Cygknit - I'm so sorry you're joining us here, but welcome, anyway.

Incorrigible - My miscarriage was 8 months ago, and I still feel very much the way you do. I don't mention it to anyone but my DH anymore, because most of the people in my life don't even remember it happened. I wasn't trying to get pregnant, but that feeling of loss is still so poignant. I wasn't sure if I wanted more children before it, but now I keep thinking about what I'm missing, too. I feel guilty about wanting others when I still have my two little ones, and others have had it so much worse than me, but still that desire seems biological in some ways, you know?


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## cygknit (Apr 14, 2009)

Thanks for the welcome, wilson. I seem to be having a rational vs. biological argument in my own head, too, so I understand what you mean.

Did anyone have lots of dizziness, even several days later? I've bled almost none since the D&C 4-5 days ago, yet I'm super dizzy if I stand too long. Not sure if this happens to other people.


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

This is going to be AAM, but I need to vent (again). After all the crappy luck I told you ladies about earlier, it now seems my kitty has cancer. She has had a thought-to-be benign tumor on her abdomen for a long, long time (Kitty is 17). We never had it biopsied or anything since it wasn't bothering her, and the vet said it was no big deal unless it was. Around December, it started growing. And then Kitty started licking it, and it got pretty nasty and raw, so I took her to the vet today so he could check it out and schedule a removal. After all was said and done, the bill was $400, the surgery was estimated to be $800-1100, and they found another tumor. Doc took a peek in the microscope, and he said he found round cells which are often indicative of cancer. We'll know more tomorrow... But even so, I have a hard time spending $800 for surgery on a kitty who is 17 years old. I love her like crazy, and I've had her since I was 12. But she's old, and that's a LOT of money.

I just don't know...


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

diana, I'm sorry about your cat. 17 years is a long time for a cat though, wow!

cygnit, my Dr. told me to keep taking vitamins and get lots of iron, I didn't have a D&C but I imagine the amount of blood lost would be the same, it's just that they removed it all at once.

incorrigible, I hope you're feeling better... I have a few people I talked to about it, those who had miscarried themselves were very helpful. I found it was reassuring to hear their stories, I tried to be a good listener to them and I hope it helped them too.


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## cygknit (Apr 14, 2009)

Diana, I am sorry about your cat. I am glad she's had you in her life, she's clearly thrived into old age with your love. Please don't struggle too much over the money. Even if you could pay the bill, anesthesia is hard on an old kitty. I am sure you will make the best choice for all of you, but dang it sucks for you to be forced to think about this, too.

Laggie, I agree. I've been listening to women's stories of loss and it has been a huge help. I've been trying to be a good listener; it seems like if I do that then maybe I can be for them what they are being for me. It's so lonely after a loss, isn't it.

Today was the day I dreaded: my first day back to work. It was only a four hour shift, but I didn't last more than 3 minutes before bursting into tears in the shared office. I was encouraged to go home, and I did. I felt like such a failure turning around and going back home, but now that it's a few hours later I do feel better. It's like I got the worst of it over tonight, and tomorrow will be better for it. I think I'll be able to last the day. It's just that in my job I see pregnant women all day long. It makes it hard not to stare (and be angry).


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Diana - I'm so sorry about your cat. How's it going now? I still have my kitty from high school, she's 13 years old now. What a tough place to be.

Cygknit - that breaks my heart to think of you at work. I just sort of disappeared for months and avoided talking to people as much as I could. I can't imagine having to go back to a regular job every day after a miscarriage.

This fall will be hard for me. I conceived last year in early September, was sick all through October and half of November. I lost Nicholas in early December. I hate that there are so many dates that remind me of him, just the nature of pregnancy I guess. My husband and I were putting all the community events on our calendar last night, and he said, "oh, good! The Christmas parade is on a Thursday, so you won't be working." We love our towns dumb little parade and go every year. Last year, we bundled up the kids, got hot chocolate, and it was one of the first times I was able to get out and feel normal after my hyper-emesis began to subside. We had this beautiful evening, and then the next morning I went to the Dr. and found out my baby was dead. Now when I think of the parade, I think about how I had a dead baby in me and didn't know it. I think about my loss of innocence. I think about how I still had my baby before they took him out of me. I don't want to ruin the parade for my husband by telling him that's what I think of.

I need to move into a different space this fall. I need to not relive this loss over and over. I need to enjoy this time with my children, and not be depressed about my sisters' new babies. I think that will mean not coming here as much, but I know how hard that is, so I'll probably still be here.


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

cygknit - I'm sorry to hear your first day back was so rough. I can completely understand not being able to handle it. I'm not back yet, but I've gone in a few times to "visit" and get the awkwardness over with ahead of time. I hope the next day was better for you.

wilson - I hate that feeling of betrayal when your body hasn't yet let you know something is wrong. I felt much the same after my fist miscarriage (blighted ovum at 5 weeks, but didn't miscarry until 10). And then afterwards, I kept thinking of the pounds I had gained as "dead baby weight". Not fun. Hugs to you, and I hope you're able to reframe things so that your loss isn't overshadowing everything you experience. It's so hard.

AFM - We got Kitty's test results back the day after I posted, and she did have cancer as well as the beginning of kidney failure. I took her back to the vet to be euthanized that afternoon. We had a good day; I took her outside for a while, brushed and petted her for a long time, then wrapped her in her favorite blanket for the car ride. I'm sad, but also relieved that I don't have to watch her suffer. I also feel like the decision was made for me, since we found out she was so sick. There really was no other viable option.

DH is not really a cat person, but he was kind enough to help me pick out two young kitties at the humane society yesterday. They're about 5 months old, from the same litter, and they get along well with DS and our dog, and they're super-affectionate. My old kitty was always very aloof, so this is a nice change. It's wonderful to be able to snuggle with them, and it's helping to distract me from the loss of the twins. Here's a pic of them on the way home yesterday


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Oh geez, I'm here too. I'd like to share if you all don't mind. Last week I started to get the aura before a migraine, I got a little nervous when it last more than one day without the migraine. Not normal for me. Anyway it started monday, by wednesday I started to spot and I felt like my blood pressure was going crazy. Something I felt a few weeks ago as well. So I call the OB thursday and asked If I could come in earlier than my 25th appointment. I got a big no you're not our patient yet. And so I asked if they would atleast let me speak to a nurse... another NO! you're not our patient yet. I explained my concerns but she told me there was nothing they could do have a nice day and she hung up. Nice... So I decided I'd go to the VA hospital (I'm a disabled veteran) Usually their care isn't something you seek out. But I just needed piece of mind and I didn't want a huge emergency bill. They signed me in under migraine and extremely high blood pressure. The nurse new what my real concerns were but she said they didn't have the facilities and this way they could transfer me and it wouldn't cost a dime to me. Wow thanks. She also called my OB and yelled at them for a good 5 minutes. She was having a bad day and the OB story really pissed her off.

They ran tests kept me for 4 hours because of my blood pressure, then sent me over to the hospital across the street, wheeled by a sweet old lady. Made me feel bad but heck I felt terrible and took the ride. The OB there was pretty awesome, he did the internal U/S and it was obvious to me. Baby wasn't moving, no heart beat and it still looked just 6 weeks or so to me. Measured 8.5 and I was dated at 13 weeks. Before he told me the news he hugged me, then he wiped his eyes and told me the news I already knew. I was angry, I was sad. More than anything I felt bad to come home and tell my girls the news. I got a text from 8 yr old DD wanting to know if I was ok. DH told her where I was. She asked if our baby was gone. How heartbreaking.

I got home and shared the news, DD1 and DD2 hugged me and said they were sorry. Then DD1 said, "well, we had our baby for a little while". How true. Without them I don't think I would be ok right now, but I am. I'm actually quite fine, right now. I just want it to be finished. I feel so physically tired. I kept telling myself on my drive home that I still had my two beautiful girls. And I'm done. I won't be trying again. 3 in row is not something I think I can do again.

I've told my family and all my friends, the hard part will be all the guys at work who seriously baby me pregnant or not. They're all in their 50's retired military. Sweethearts.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

So sorry to all the new ladies here (((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))) and Diana I am so sorry about your cat <3

I've been feeling off lately but I'm still here and still thinking of you all <3<3<3


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## thecountrymouse (Jun 23, 2011)

I'm ready to do something for myself in life. It's been about a month and a half since my miscarriage. I have hobbies- sewing, gardening. But I want something different. Any one doing anything wild?


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

I wouldn't call it wild, but I'm going to do the Couch to 5k. Then I'm gonna run me a marathon!

(I actually started this program about 2 years ago, but then found out I was pregnant for the first time, and had lots of problems, so I chucked it in.)


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

Violet and Milk8shake - No, nothing wild here. I'm not using the Couch to 5K plan, but I'm also going to start running again... I've been sitting around eating way too many cookies.







I'm hoping that going back to work this week will help my munchie cravings. Bleh.

I think I started my period. Or something. I was just about KILLED by cramps this morning (literally felt like a contraction that never ended, but uterus wasn't contracting that I could tell), but I've bled very little. Maybe my lining hasn't built up much yet? We were planning on starting TTC as soon as I got AF back, but now I'm not sure. And I don't even know for certain if this is AF, since I'm not really cramping or bleeding now, so who knows when we'll really be ready.

I was also shocked by how traumatized I was by the cramping. I was okay with the blood, but when that cramp hit... It was like I was in labor all over again, and I kind of freaked out. *sigh*


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

Working out has begun to feel something nearing helpful post miscarriage.... Nothing wild for me, but I am getting back into some tri training (I was training to do a half ironman before I got pregnant). Milk8Shake, you should totally do the marathon! Come and join me on Daily Mile!

Diana, sending hugs.. and so sorry about your kitty.


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## organicmamacafe (Mar 23, 2011)

Oh Imakcerka, I am so very sorry for your loss!! How heartbreaking to lose your baby and how dreadful to be treated so callously by an OB's office. Terrible.

I understand about having to tell your girls. My daughters are young but my oldest was pretty disappointed and brought it up several times in the intervening months. She is ok now but it was almost harder dealing with her loss than mine. I just told her that our baby went to heaven and that grandma and grandpa (my parents) are taking great care of him or her.

You'll be in my prayers.


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## organicmamacafe (Mar 23, 2011)

Diane - I think my first few periods shocked me as well. Seeing the blood after being pregnant was very hard. Also, I think bleeding at all brought back the trauma. I can understand why the cramps would freak you out a little.

Also had an ice cream obsession for the first month. Seriously. It was awful. Every day. I think it was better than drinking my way through it - maybe.  Hang in there and do try the exercise. It has encouraged me a lot just to move and stir that energy a little.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Diana, after my first loss when I got AF it was like post traumatic stress disorder. I kept having flashbacks and panic attacks with the cramping and the bleeding, it was pretty bad. *hug*


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Diana - What sweet kitties! That is so sweet that your husband helped you get them. I agree, it's nice to have something positive/happy/cuddly/alive to help keep you out of the dark places!

Imakcerka - I'm so sorry about your loss, and how your doctors treated you. But I love hearing about your girls. My daughter said some of the sweetest and most honest things about our loss. When you say "3 in a row" do you mean 3 losses? No one should have to go through that, and I'm so sorry.

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *violetray*
> 
> I'm ready to do something for myself in life. It's been about a month and a half since my miscarriage. I have hobbies- sewing, gardening. But I want something different. Any one doing anything wild?


Ha, whatever it is, I want in! I feel like I've been trying to DO something ever since my loss. I've thrown myself into drinking, working, giving, art projects, homeschooling, and house building. I'd like to do something wild though. I'm not sure I know what that is though.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Man, I feel like I'm spiraling a bit. I really lose it so quickly sometimes. I keep thinking I should stop reading here, because it always makes me think about my loss more, and wonder about how things could have been different. Today I'm wondering about the cause again. I know most early losses are related to chromosomal abnormalities, but it seems like those are the very early losses - what would make a baby die at 13 weeks. Is it still probably chromosomal? I didn't have any testing done, and I know there is no way of knowing, and I'm just obsessing about something pointless. But can anybody shed a little insight on why some babies make it to 13 weeks? When I read about early losses, I don't really feel like that fits my situation, but then I don't fit with the 2nd trimester losses either. Maybe I'm just not wanting to call it an early loss.

I had such a good day yesterday, very productive and proactive, and today I'm sitting in my pajamas at noon googling miscarriage 8 months after mine. I think sometimes i feel like if I do everything right, I'll get my baby back after all.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Thank you *organicmamacafe*, wow long name. I think the MC is done. Yesterday was painful and yes it totally felt like the middle hours of back labor I had with both DD's. However once it was all over I felt so much better. Physically and mentally. I dropped the girls off at school this morning and went back to sleep til noon. I needed it!

As far as finding something to fill my time. I'm going back to school. I was going to wait awhile but I'm 31 year old JR... I need to get on that. And I'll put more time into my gardens. They suffered due to the heat and my inability to stand the heat for more than a few minutes at a time.

I did consider the couch 5k. by the way I love that term.


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

Wilson - I'm so sorry you're having a rough day.







I can't say for certain, but I seem to recall reading somewhere that later miscarriages are often due to birth defects that are incompatible with life. Or, rather, something didn't form quite right and the baby can't survive the defect. I don't think that's related to chromosomal abnormalities... It's so hard not to know what went wrong. But at such an early stage, even if you'd known something was wrong and identified it, there wouldn't really be anything that could be done about it. It sucks.

I can also relate to disliking the terms "early" and "late" miscarriage. Just the word miscarriage seems to discount the fact that it was a baby. Maybe try to avoid the labels, and just think of it as a pregnancy loss or something.

Everyone has bad days. There's nothing wrong with having an off day and sitting around in your jammies. Try to use the time to take care of yourself and not beat yourself up.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

Diana - the new kitties are adorable! It's nice to have something to keep you busy, I applied last week to do some dog fostering so we'll see how that goes. We're not ready to commit to owning a dog, but I wanted to have an animal around.

Imakcerka - I am so sorry for your loss. My miscarriage started around 13 weeks as well, although they said the baby stopped growing around 9 weeks. I hope yours is less painful, I had some bad cramping for a couple of nights.

Wilson - I'm not sure of your details, but it seems like 13 weeks is a pretty common time to lose a baby, unfortunately. We were told that it was probably a chromosome defect due to my old eggs (I'm 36) which kind of hurt because we did IVF because of DP's low sperm count - so being told we have an additional problem really sucked. My understanding is that it's often a trisomy (extra chromosome) which can mean Downs or can be a few other trisomies that are incompatible with life. Trisomy 16 is a very common cause of miscarriage. It was also suggested that the heart may not have formed properly...

There's really no way to know what happened, but it is generally thought that the miscarriage is usually caused by the baby not developing properly. There are a lot of very complicated processes that have to happen, it's really a miracle when it happens at all imo. At least if you have two other kids, you know that your body is capable of producing normal eggs.

Couchto5k - I'm actually tempted to do this, which is bizarre because I detest running. I just started Bikram yoga because I want to lose about 20 pounds before we try again. It sucks being pregnant when you're out of shape, and last time I had already gained 10 pounds from fertility drugs when I got a BFP. Next time (fingers crossed) I want to start out in shape, hopefully I won't feel quite as exhausted from simple exercise (like walking). Diana - dead baby weight, that is awful and morbid! But that's exactly how I feel about it. It's depressing, I am feeling so betrayed by my body right now. I got fat and puked for a month for NOTHING. (and how it's possible to get fat while puking twice a day is beyond me, but there it is.)


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## incorrigible (Jun 3, 2007)

Violetray, I just got home from a something wild. lol I left the kids w dh for a week while I flew out to California. A friend works for a travel guide book company and had a week long research trip to Gold Country planned. On these trips, various hotels and BnBs give her rooms for free in exchange for a review (instead of just being listed) in her books. When her fiance can't come, she brings a friend. A lot of the activities and food is discounted or given to her, too, so it's a really incredible trip for very little money. I had told her I needed a trip so she let me know as soon as she had one I could join on. I spent a week staying in 4 star BnBs and hotels. I went cave diving in a couple different caves. I saw pretty much everywhere Mark Twain ever was in Calaveras County. lol It was very out of character for me to just ditch dh and the kids like that, but it was SO refreshing and great, too!


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## thecountrymouse (Jun 23, 2011)

Incorrigible- It's a small world! I just got home from a week in Calaveras and Tuolumne. I stayed at a wonderful historic Inn with one of my best friends and our two daughters. My friend is suffering from infertility so the two of us are full of sorrow from not having a little baby. I used to work at California Caverns in Mtn. Ranch. I bet that was a great trip. We would have had a lot more fun without our kids. Isn't that ironic?!? We want babies but wanted time without kids.

I had one ticket to see the Kings of Leon in San Francisco. That was going to be my wild weekend but the band canceled the show. I need something big. I used to have two seater 70's sports car and a motorcycle. Got rid of both when I was pregnant with my daughter. Wish I would have kept the car! I need something like a sports car or going to see a favorite band by myself, something that is not wholesome. I am not going back to work this school year, I am a teacher. I took the year off because I was going to have a baby. Now I am planning on not working for awhile. Not working is pretty wild for me. I have been working with children my entire life, from babysitting, nannying, to teaching. I do dream of getting a job that has nothing to do with teaching, just for a little while. Like working at a hardware store or delivering mail. Wow, living on the edge. (Sarcasm)

Wilson- I have had lots of tears about why my baby died, why did it's heart stop beating? My gut tells me that it was a chromosome problem. Both my husband and I are pretty sure of this. I had mentioned several times during my pregnancy that the baby could have downs syndrome or something else. I would love that baby anyhow though! I have an older sister who is mentally disabled and she is a wonderful person. I did make a mental list of all the things I did during my pregnancy that I shouldn't have, coffee, a color weave, vigourous exercise, and I painted the tiniest part of the hallway for not even one minute. I joked with my friend that has infertility that maybe I should have done some crack, because those babies live. That is awful, sorry.

A couple of you wrote about how mentally painful it was to have cramps when you got your period- I was so happy to get my period but the cramps where so extra painful- each one reminded me of being in the hospital, waiting to get the D & C. I had tons of anxiety and like you wrote Sagewinna- it did feel like PTSD.

I haven't shared this yet but- my husband and I aren't planning on trying to get pregnant again. He doesn't want to unless he has a sign from God. He has said that something was wrong with that baby and something could be wrong with the next baby, even though we would love and care for any child that we have. I don't want to talk him into having another baby. I can hardly think about this. We were both so incredibly happy to have another baby. I'm still shocked that our life plan could change so drastically. I want another child more than anything- except having a child with someone who doesn't want to.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *wilson*
> 
> But can anybody shed a little insight on why some babies make it to 13 weeks? When I read about early losses, I don't really feel like that fits my situation, but then I don't fit with the 2nd trimester losses either. Maybe I'm just not wanting to call it an early loss.
> 
> I had such a good day yesterday, very productive and proactive, and today I'm sitting in my pajamas at noon googling miscarriage 8 months after mine. I think sometimes i feel like if I do everything right, I'll get my baby back after all.


All I can tell you is that the good days keep coming and going. I think that the good just slowly start to outnumber the bad, but having said that, it does not mean that you are not still allowed to have sad days.

As far as causes, it's a little hard to say. My first loss was just shy of 13 weeks, and the chromosomes were perfect. Everything was perfect. I've suspected for a long while that mine had something to do with blood vessels and clotting perhaps, but my tests were clear, so I don't know.

I don't recall if you had any testing, or even if you wanted to, but here they will conduct the same RPL testing on a patient with one second tri loss as they do with two or three first tri losses.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Laggie*
> 
> Couchto5k - I'm actually tempted to do this, which is bizarre because I detest running. I just started Bikram yoga because I want to lose about 20 pounds before we try again. It sucks being pregnant when you're out of shape, and last time I had already gained 10 pounds from fertility drugs when I got a BFP. Next time (fingers crossed) I want to start out in shape, hopefully I won't feel quite as exhausted from simple exercise (like walking). Diana - dead baby weight, that is awful and morbid! But that's exactly how I feel about it. It's depressing, I am feeling so betrayed by my body right now. I got fat and puked for a month for NOTHING. (and how it's possible to get fat while puking twice a day is beyond me, but there it is.)


I don't actually like running either. When I was in school, I used to get my Mum to write me a note to say that I couldn't do any sprints or fun runs because of my asthma. LOL!

I think it is more about the goal setting for me at the moment. I could do to lose some weight, for sure. With my pregnancy, miscarriage, pregnancy, miscarriage, etc, my hormones have been all over the shop, and I have put on more weight than I care to think about. But, I like how the C25K is structured - it doesn't ask too much, or take too long. And I think it will feel great to do the marathon at the end.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *violetray*
> 
> I haven't shared this yet but- my husband and I aren't planning on trying to get pregnant again. He doesn't want to unless he has a sign from God. He has said that something was wrong with that baby and something could be wrong with the next baby, even though we would love and care for any child that we have. I don't want to talk him into having another baby. I can hardly think about this. We were both so incredibly happy to have another baby. I'm still shocked that our life plan could change so drastically. I want another child more than anything- except having a child with someone who doesn't want to.


I don't want to sound callous, but lucky me, I've been round this forum for a while. Anyway, I can tell you now, that I have seen people who have posted this before.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but it has only been a short time since your loss, and your husband has seen you go through a terrible thing (not to mention going through it himself).

I think with some men, it's very much a "protection" thing. I know my DP has said multiple times that losing the baby is hard, but seeing what it does to me is the hardest. It's something that makes them feel so incredibly vulnerable and useless at the same time. A lot of the time, they don't really get the chance to process the loss until the woman's recovery has begun, because they spend so much time "being there for us". I know that I don't know you, or him, but there is a good chance that he is just plain scared, and maybe he needs a little time.

AFM: I've decided I'm going to scrapbook my bubs. It's a crazy idea, mainly because I have never scrap booked in my life. I just saw one that another mama at my SANDS group had done, and I am heaps jealous. I think that my babies deserve one too. I'm going to put them all in one book though, because I don't have that much memorabilia.

I spent hours on ebay and craft sites yesterday, and I kinda can't believe that so many people are into it - you need so many different supplies and accessories, and they are not altogether cheap! (Or I am looking in the wrong places). But I am going to push on with anyway. I really, really hope that it turns out okay. I'd hate to spend all the money and then ruin it!!


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

oh, Wilson, I am so sorry you're having such a difficult time. I understand the angst about why your baby died.. I feel the same thing. I was exercising a lot and the day before I tested I did a hard 12 mile run and the day before a very hard 50 plus mile bike ride, and I feel this hideous sense that I did something. Of course the 'not knowing' makes me very nervous to try again (though we are). Sending a lot of hugs your way.

Laggie, I hear you.. I feel as though my body has really let me down in many ways. I hope the yoga and running help...

violetray, I am so sorry that your partner is not wanting to try. Is this something that you're talking about more? This is so hard.









milk&shake, I think the scrapbooking is a lovely idea. It's very big in the States so I bet you could order supplies from the US. Seriously, if you find some stuff you like from a US store I would happily send it on to you if they don't deliver outside the US.

I am in a real state of denial right now. I have been doing well, I think, but mostly it's a function of forgetting that nothing has happened, that I was never pregnant, etc. I watch copious amounts of TV on my iPad, obsess over my TTC chart, and basically do anything to not dwell on what's happened. it's very confusing.


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## Nazsmum (Aug 5, 2006)

Imakcerka


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

Laggie - I totally missed your post earlier somehow... I've been thinking about the Couch to 5k plan, and I think it might be fun if a group of us here did it all together. I don't have any workout buddies IRL, and I think that maybe we could help motivate each other?? I'm 10 lbs over what I started at with my twin pregnancy. I feel like a cow because I still have to wear my maternity clothes. Even shirts. And my ass is seriously huge. Moo.

Zubeldia - I think I'm sort of in Denial Land too. It's real in bits and pieces, but the rest of the time I just try not to think about it so I can function and stay somewhat sane. And then it sneaks up on me sometimes. Like today I was looking through a Babies R Us ad, because we need a few things for DS. I turned the page and saw the cribs and just burst into tears. I needed to buy a crib for my twins (we were planning to co-sleep at night but not for naps), since DS still sleeps in his. And now I'm not having twins.









AFM - I went to see my midwife today, and she cleared me to TTC whenever I feel ready. All the infection is gone, and I'm free of infections. But trying again is so scary. I'm not sure I'm ready for more stress yet.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Thanks, everyone. I'm determined to have a better day - I just really don't have time to be sad right now. I read as much as I could months ago about causes and figured since I had 2 healthy babies it was probably just "one of those things" - but like you guys said, I also had a long list of serious and stupid things I did that could have caused it (eating too much fish, the drugs for hyperemesis, carrying a suitcase). I don't know why its bugging me now.

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *Milk8shake*
> 
> All I can tell you is that the good days keep coming and going. I think that the good just slowly start to outnumber the bad, but having said that, it does not mean that you are not still allowed to have sad days.
> 
> ...


Thanks, Milk8shake. I didn't have any testing done. I went in on Friday for a regular checkup by myself, and they had me scheduled for the D&C on Monday. I was in total shock and didn't ask any of the right questions. I just asked a lot of questions about how I could bury the baby and what was involved. I didn't get on mothering until after the D&C, and now I just have so much regret - about not doing any tests, not asking questions, not miscarrying at home. I keep thinking that if I had miscarried him naturally I could have seen his body, and known his gender for sure. Ugh. I don't need to start thinking about all of that again. Sometimes I look at my old ultra sound pictures (I had three US with him) trying to see anything at all that would tell me something I don't know, but of course I know nothing about ultrasounds, so I don't get anything from them. Plus, I'm sure my doctors would have said something.

We probably won't try again for a year or two, or maybe not at all. I just don't know now. Sometimes I feel like I won't know won't happen until I try again - but I'm just not ready to be pregnant again.

Milk8shake - good luck with your scrapbook! I've never done them, but I've seen those supplies which are super cute, but not cheap. I'd love to see what you do. I never made baby books or anything, but I keep an oatmeal container that I covered in fabric for each of my kids. I just stick stuff in it from time to time. Is that lame? Nicholas's bucket is surprisingly full.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

My mom called me last night and told me she thought there was something wrong with me. Apparently the lack of crying over the phone to her means there is something wrong with me. I'm just not a crier. Well sometimes. And yes when I first found out, but not afterwards. I cried a little during the cramps... and when I burned my stomach with a heating pad... But I just didn't cry for hours afterwards like she did. My sister called me to ask if I could call my mom and comfort her during my MC... WTH?! I worry about that lady. She loves attention and I guess maybe she thinks I should be soaking up the woe is mes right now.

Can't do it. I've made up my mind to do all the things I would not be able to do in these next 7 months. Repainting, recarpeting, and possibly even some hiking. I love hiking. Oh and I have to fix the roof over my deck. So buying a nail gun. Just not telling DH... he gets stupid with my tools. Seriously stupid. No need to use a reciprocating saw on a small branch... he'd be hanging all sorts of things with a nail gun. So cute yet so annoying.

Is anyone else finding that it's easier than they thought it would be? I still want another member in our family, but after I shared with so many people I knew and then heard their stories... seriously I apparently know at least 20 women who have M/C or were never able to carry a baby full term and here I am with two. I feel so greatful. I feel so blessed. Yes I lost three this year, feel like I've been pregnant since december with nothing to show for it. But I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL daughters!!! And maybe a new found respect for the body it knows what it needs to do.

Love and hugs to you all. Peace and most definitely a wonderful rest of the year!


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## thecountrymouse (Jun 23, 2011)

Imakcerka- I have also been throwing myself into projects that I couldn't do while pregnant. That is why I have been longing to get a motorcycle again. But, my husband and I are just going to get new bicycles. Wild and crazy me. Have fun with the nail gun!

I have some days where I am surprised at how ok I am, even had some happy days thrown into the last month and a half. But I'm still sad. Everything is one big contradiction for me- I want a baby but can hardly even handle myself. I crave freedom but also want to be stuck at home, pregnant then nursing. I'm happy to be loosing weight and be able to do whatever but would much rather be pregnant.

I was just at a cabinet shop and the guy working there said, "Don't you have two kids? I swore you had two kids." The last time I saw him I was pregnant but I didn't tell him. My little daughter, sitting next to me, cringed. Poor kid. She wanted a little sibling so badly.

I need to work on being grateful. So many things in life are amazing. There is that contradiction again- I know how lucky I am, what a nice life I have, yet I am so sad for something I don't have. I guess I just need more time and am still grieving.


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## incorrigible (Jun 3, 2007)

violetray, It is a small world. I stayed in 5 different places and visited a ton more for research. I wonder if we unwittingly crossed paths. lol I was all happy. My weird MC issues all disappeared a few days in...but then they came back after I was home a couple days! I'm 99% sure it was the high level of physical activity...but we're on severe heat warnings here so I will be mostly a homebody for a couple more weeks. I have high hopes that things will turn around for me physically once the weather cools and I can have an activity level that's more my norm. And we SO have to move out of this area before next summer! I'm not doing this absurd heat thing again! lol

Imakcerka - It was easier for me at first, but eventually it did hit me really hard. Months later. For me, I think it's mainly the ongoing physical problems I'm having. My hormones are ALL out of whack. Things just aren't working right and it's frustrating, plus it comes with an inability to get preg again until everything stablizes. THAT leaves this subtle sadness in the back of my mind at all times. It's the dark cloud hanging over me. As for family...my mom's aweful too, and I'm not on speaking terms with her right now. She's going around to all the family playing victim that she doesn't know why I won't talk to her...the poor thing. My sister gets WHY I'm not talking to her, but seems confused that maybe mom really doesn't understand or maybe it really was some kind of miscommunication and I'm overreacting....but she wants nothing to do with the drama so she won't bring it up if I don't.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *diana_of_the_dunes*
> 
> Laggie - I totally missed your post earlier somehow... I've been thinking about the Couch to 5k plan, and I think it might be fun if a group of us here did it all together. I don't have any workout buddies IRL, and I think that maybe we could help motivate each other?? I'm 10 lbs over what I started at with my twin pregnancy. I feel like a cow because I still have to wear my maternity clothes. Even shirts. And my ass is seriously huge. Moo.


I swear my butt got 4 inches wider the *moment* I was pregnant. I had to go out and buy some new pants the day after I found out I would miscarry... because I couldn't handle the idea of still wearing maternity clothes, and all my regular pants are two sizes too small.

I just found out I have to take birth control pills for a month before we can try with our one frozen embryo... I thought I could have a natural menstrual cycle in September and then embryo transfer in October - but instead I can either wait an extra month, or go straight from my first period back to hormones. Blech. Neither option is appealing tbh. Waiting sounds sucky, but so does starting too soon.

I think I have ruined all my underwear, I keep thinking the bleeding is done (it will stop for a whole day or more) and then it starts up again. It's been 3 weeks.


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Laggie*
> 
> I swear my butt got 4 inches wider the *moment* I was pregnant. I had to go out and buy some new pants the day after I found out I would miscarry... because I couldn't handle the idea of still wearing maternity clothes, and all my regular pants are two sizes too small.
> 
> ...


I hate that I'm in maternity clothes, but with all the house repairs and such that we've had recently, I don't have the money to go out any buy new clothes. Maybe I should hit up the Goodwill or something. I can't decide which is worse for my self esteem: clothes 2 sizes bigger than my usual or maternity clothes when I'm not pregnant. Either way, it just stinks..

I did start running today (yay for me!!). I was thinking I might skip ahead in the Couch to 5k program, since I am in good shape. Or, rahter I was in good shape. Yeah, 2 minutes was about all I had in me. Less than 4 years ago I was running 3 miles like it was nothing, could do 40 push-ups, 70 sit-ups in a minute, and had a really nice body (not great, but nice). I was really happy with myself physically. And now, 2 miscarriages and a pregnancy later... My abs are a wreck and will probably never heal, I can't run to save my life, and I'm about 15 lbs over what I'd like to weigh. 15 lbs may not sound like much, but I've lost a ton of muscle. That stinks too.

Regarding ruining underwear... I've been in pads for about 2 straight months becuase of spotting before the miscarriage. Thankfully I use cloth a lot of the time, otherwise I think my bottom would be chafed raw. And now that I finally stopped spotting, I start my period!

Wow, I'm really feeling sorry for myself today I guess... Sorry I'm such a downer.


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## music.mama.pdx (Jul 14, 2010)

Oh, how I can relate to you all. I'm back in regular clothes but my bigger sized ones. I suddenly feel so fat, out of shape, etc. I only have to drop about 8 lbs to get pre-pregnant weight but I'm still out of shape. I just looked up Pilates classes at my gym, those are a huge help for me. I know it will be very good to exercise but there is still something sad about it, as I'm not pregnant. I stopped bleeding last week, and noticed my energy picked up.

Here's hoping some cardio will give us all a lift, we deserve it.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Laggie*
> 
> I think I have ruined all my underwear, I keep thinking the bleeding is done (it will stop for a whole day or more) and then it starts up again. It's been 3 weeks.


Yeah, I have ruined so many good undies this way. Not just this time, but also the others.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *diana_of_the_dunes*
> 
> I did start running today (yay for me!!). I was thinking I might skip ahead in the Couch to 5k program, since I am in good shape. Or, rahter I was in good shape. Yeah, 2 minutes was about all I had in me. Less than 4 years ago I was running 3 miles like it was nothing, could do 40 push-ups, 70 sit-ups in a minute, and had a really nice body (not great, but nice).


LOL. I'm laughing with you and not at you. I did day one, week one of the C25K on Tuesday, and last night I could not figure out why my legs were so achy and tired.... Duh! It took like half an hour before I figured it out. I actually think I'm going to do week one twice, just to give the poor old legs a chance to ease into it.

I think that I'm gonna try some sit ups too.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *wilson*
> 
> Milk8shake - good luck with your scrapbook! I've never done them, but I've seen those supplies which are super cute, but not cheap. I'd love to see what you do. I never made baby books or anything, but I keep an oatmeal container that I covered in fabric for each of my kids. I just stick stuff in it from time to time. Is that lame? Nicholas's bucket is surprisingly full.


Thanks! I keep seeing things and thinking - "oh, I want that! oh wait, it's $50, maybe I don't want it so much!" LOL

Anyway, if I do a decent job, I'll be sure to post some pictures.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *zubeldia*
> 
> milk&shake, I think the scrapbooking is a lovely idea. It's very big in the States so I bet you could order supplies from the US. Seriously, if you find some stuff you like from a US store I would happily send it on to you if they don't deliver outside the US.


Thanks Zub - yep, I have looked on some of the US sites, and they have a way huger range than Oz - some won't ship here, and some of the ones that do charge a fortune for postage!

Thanks for the offer though - I'll keep it in mind.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Alright it hit me hard today! I didn't expect it. All over a request to help out with the field day in November instead of March because the PE teacher was due at the end of February... I suppose I looked like a mess in front of DD's 3rd grade teacher but DD rubbed my back and went to the bathroom with me while I snotted all over the place. I love that kid!

Ok as to everyone else dealing with the clothes issue. Holy Backstabbing Judas! I think with all the emotional turmoil our bodies just put us through they could at least shrink our waists and booties back to normal for our sake! So thankful for baggy t-shirts and my husbands jeans!

Oh and I'm still liking the couch 5k idea. I just brushed cupcake crumbs off my lap... wait is that my lap? Also I would appreciate it if my boobs remained intact as they've gone on their quest to humiliate me even more by sagging back into themselves... nice.


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## Rainey Daye (Apr 30, 2010)

I've been lurking a bit the last couple of weeks but only just today decided I could handle posting in here. I was in the same DDC with Baconlover, Milk8shake, Zubeldia, and Cygknit...due date was 3.13.12. I was literally two days away from finally telling the ladies on a forum I've been a member of for over 5 years (a subforum of the site where I actually met my DH) when I started spotting on July 31st. It was just brownish that first day or so, but when it turned red I called up a midwife friend of mine and she got me in for a sono that Tuesday (on the day I was 8 weeks). They saw the baby and a heartbeat, but baby was measuring only 6 weeks. Still hopeful we held out hope for good news on my blood tests. HCG levels came back decent, but progesterone was low so they got me on a supplement and the spotting seemed to lighten up. Then early that Saturday morning (8.5.11) I woke to a gushing feeling and ran for the bathroom. It was evidently amniotic fluid and then sitting there I passed three large clots. Later that day they got back with me on the results of the blood drawn the day before and my HCG had dropped. I was a MESS that weekend and finally told my husband on Monday that I just wanted to go back for one more sonogram to confirm baby was gone...but not till Wednesday cause I didn't want to hear the news I knew I would hear on the day my baby should have been nine weeks along!!

We had already told family members and some local friends up to that point and one friend had been referring to our baby as "Sweet P" cause both names we had picked out were P names...so I did think clearly enough that horrible weekend to pick out an "angel baby" name of Paisley so as not to ruin our names for a future baby which we still hope to have someday. It has meaning to us cause if my SIL had not been visiting us the weekend I started spotting then we would have gone to a Brad Paisley concert the night before my spotting started. So anyway, I went for the follow up sonogram on 8.10.11 and they did confirm the baby was gone. The tech said my uterus was empty and there was just a bit of tissue sitting on my cervix. I lost it a bit in the office and had to hang onto my husband a bit (and also discovered my mascara wasn't as waterproof as they claim cause I left a big smudge on his shirt and had massive raccoon eyes)!! After I left the clinic where they drew a bit more blood to test my iron levels I went straightaway to the craft store and found a charm of the letter P to add to my mama necklace (which already contained a heart with the outline of a mama and child that my sis had given me just before Bug's birth and the angel charm that my sis gave me after my loss in February).

So even though I hadn't passed anything up to that point that looked like the baby or the sac my midwife said it was early enough on that it may have been partially absorbed or hidden in one of the big clots, so I just accepted that and started trying to just recover physically and emotionally. Needless to say it was then a HUGE emotional setback then that Friday night to go to the bathroom and actually pass the baby!! Then a few hours later I woke up to another gush of the last of the amniotic fluid and another huge clot. It was my BABY that the tech saw sitting on my cervix and blocking it!! I was a weepy mess!!

After that it's just been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I can't tell ya'll how many hours I googled crazily during and after the miscarriage trying to find answers and reasons. Some days I am fine and just planning for the future and having fun with the one little rambunctious kidlet I do have. Some days all I want to do is lay on the couch. I keep making up excuses to not get out of the house most days. Then there was the day last week when I WAY overdid and took my toddler out for an exhausting day of riding a miniature train, a picnic, ice cream, and riding a real vintage train...wiping me out and making the kiddo a cranky overtired mess!! I make out lists of all I want to accomplish, manage to cross 2-3 things off, and then completely ignore the rest. My house is finally ALMOST back in order from two weeks of ignoring it. I almost broke down at church last Sunday when a well meaning older lady who hadn't heard of the loss came up and patted my belly and asked how I was feeling (a move that would have made me mad if I were still pregnant...but only made me want to cry now). I DID cry after the service when a lady I'd never met before started talking to me and when she found out about my recent loss she gave me a HUGE hug. Later that same day at a planning meeting/potluck I sat on a window seat talking to another lady who had had a miscarriage or two herself and even laughing about the middle name my husband insisted on for Paisley...and we agreed that talking about miscarriages with others who'd been through them was cathartic, but definitely weirded out other people who had never experienced them!! Then, I hadn't cried all week, just a few random sad moments...till I started reading this thread a couple hours ago and the waterworks started!! I was literally shaking I was sobbing so hard reading the stories and identifying with the emotions ya'll have been through. So yeah...total rollercoaster of emotions!!

I wanted to tell ya'll also about the strange dreams I had during all of this. First, just before my little one slipped away I dreamed we had a 3D sono and the baby was smiling and waving at us. I at first took that as a good sign (this was just before waking for a middle of the night bathroom trip a couple hours before baby slipped away)...but now I see it as a "Goodbye Mama, I'm heading off to the arms of Jesus now" wave. Then, just a couple hours after I finally passed the baby I dreamed that my babies were together in heaven and the soundtrack of my dream was the Glee mashup of Halo and Walking on Sunshine...and I like to think my babies are together in heaven, playing in the sunshine while they wait to meet me someday!! I think the song will be a comfort to me as I heal.

Anyway, that's my story. I will hopefully get some answers to why I lost two babies in less than six months time once my cycle comes back and they can test my hormone levels and such...but we are hoping to hold off on TTC till at least one of our should-have-been due dates passes. The due date for the baby lost in February is the day before our fifth anniversary...and I found out I was expecting the second one right before my husband's b-day...so those dates are now a bit bittersweet. Oh, and it's good to know I'm not the only one with a weirded out husband who didn't quite get my need to keep the baby in the fridge till we could do a proper backyard burial!! Oh yeah...the thing that tops it all off is that my SIL is currently pregnant with her SEVENTH kiddo and her due date is just three days after this one was due!!


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

So sorry Texanromaniac, it's hard isn't it. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm not. I planted a Texas Mountain Laurel today. For baby of course. And I planted a bush and a moon flower for the last two. It helps me to see them grow. Though my heart is breaking I realize there are other mamas who are feeling empty too and I really hope you can find peace. Good luck on your journey. We're here too.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm sorry to see you here, Texanromantic. I was in the March ddc as well, at 10 weeks we found out there was no heartbeat after a perfect 8 week ultrasound.


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## thecountrymouse (Jun 23, 2011)

Oh Texanromaniac, your story is heartbreaking. I feel your pain.

I had another follow up appointment today with my sweet old man doctor. I miscarried a little more than a month and a half ago. Today was my last scheduled appointment with him. He really encouraged me to try again soon. I told him that my husband didn't want to try and that I am not going to try to talk him into it. He told me some good and interesting information. My husband and I both worried (he has been more concerned than me) about the possibility of having a child with health problems. My husband said that he thought that if the baby that died had something wrong with it, then the next baby could have something wrong with it. My doctor told me that statistically speaking and in his experience, if a woman miscarries a baby that had a health problem or a chromosomal abnormality, that her body knew that wasn't a healthy baby and so it miscarried and that if I have another baby with a problem that my body would miscarry it again instead of letting the baby live. Hope this makes sense. It might mean that I could have more miscarriages but then it was meant to be because my body did it's job. He said it's not a guarantee but that we know I can get pregnant and we know I can keep a healthy baby (my daughter.) Am I really grasping for straws, trying to find some good news? Maybe, but it does give me a bit of peace and hope.

I ordered a new bike today, part of my plan to enjoy non pregnant life. I'm still searching for something wild!

Hope you all are doing ok. This thread means a lot to me. -Violet


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## Gemmine (Jan 23, 2011)

Texanromaniac, I'm so sorry and so sad to see you here along with so many other familiar names. I am thankful this support is available for us to let it out.


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## Rainey Daye (Apr 30, 2010)

Violet, we were pricing out bicycles at the store today and planning on trolling Craigslist this afternoon to see what we can find there. I told my husband that I just want to get a bicycle and either a bike trailer or a child seat for my bike and I want to start biking again (only with a cute little kiddo along for the ride now)!!


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## Rainey Daye (Apr 30, 2010)

Okay, I just decided that whenever I get pregnant again I will just stick to "The ONE Thread Graduates" threads and the PAL forum versus my DDC. Was thinking about how much pregnant women who have never dealt with TTC or loss tend to complain and I think I would have a hard time not going off on someone who was complaining about having gotten pregnant when they weren't ready or complaining about morning sickness or whatever. After my losses (and I've lost two and know there are those on here who have lost many more than I have) I will be happy and GRATEFUL for my pregnancy no matter the timing and no matter how sick I feel!! Heck, I will be HAPPY I'm sick, cause I know that means a sticky baby!!


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

TexanRomaniac - Yeah, when I think about how much I bitched about this last pregnancy (even having had a loss), I kind of cringe. I was never able to wrap my head around twins, and I was very anxious about having two babies at once. And I feel guilty, because there's a little tiny part of me that is very relieved I won't have to deal with it. It was SO overwhelming for us. But I seriously don't think I'll complain about being pregnant again. Having had both a first and second trimester loss, I know that there are no guarantees, so I'll just try to live in the moment and enjoy what I can.

I don't know if I'm ready to TTC this cycle. My period has been really light, and I'm not sure I'm physically ready. I also don't think I want a July due date, because that's when I lost my twins. But the idea of waiting scares me too. Like if I wait too long, I'll chicken out. And it would be nice to have something good in July... I dunno. IdunnoIdunnoIdunno!


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

I still haven't decided what I'm going to do. My husband says he's leaving the timing up to me. I think I'll wait til after the holidays. I need to just get through that. And yes, remembering all the pregnancy symptoms to be a good things.


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

HI ladies,

Texan, so sorry that you're here too. You know I am here if you want to talk









Violetray, I hope you can take some goods away from our appointment, and that, if you both want it, that you'll try again soon. I think for all of us trying again is a bit of a leap of faith.

Hugs, Diana, I think it would be very normal to fret and worry about having twins so I hope you're not beating yourself up for the feelings you had.

I must admit that I get pretty peeved when I see people moaning about pregnancy. I did have hypermemisis with DS and though that was hard there wasn;t a day I was truly grateful to have him inside of me.

Well, it's been a crappy time here. I started my period on Thursday - my first day of work, which involved sitting next to a very pregnant friend in an all day meeting. It is a VERY heavy period, which is totally abnormal for me. My luteal phase was very short, too, but I'm hoping it's just a one off since this is my first period since my D and C almost 4 weeks ago. I did get outside with DS and DH a lot today before the crazy storm hits us. We went runnign this morning and this evening we went out for a bike ride with me pulling DS in the trailer. It was a nice time. But, you know, it's just so sad in the quiet parts of the day.


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

Great, now DH and I have started crabbing at each other.









He asked me why I was in such a bad mood today, and I was telling him about how I don't feel like I have a lot going for me right now. I gave up my dream job when it was offered to me, since it would interfere with our plans to TTC, our house is falling apart (okay, not literally, but it's kind of felt like it lately), and DH said "no" to TTC this month. I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to right now. DH then said that the reason he doesn't want to TTC right away is because it's been so long since we've had any kind of normal sex life. When we were TTC before, it literally took one time, and then I had terrible morning sickness and exhaustion from all the pregnancy hormones. Then pelvic rest. So while we got a little bit of action in here and there, we've had quite a dry spell.

I do respect his feelings. I understand that while I've felt terrible and it's been pretty easy not to have sex, it hasn't been the same for him. I get it. But TTC means a LOT to me, and it's also all tied up with my healing process. Conceiving DS after my first miscarriage helped me a lot, and I feel like it would this time as well. I'm also slightly concerned that DH will decide not to have another baby because of his age. He's 11 years older than me, and he was leery of TTC #2 the first time around because he felt like he was getting too old.

I'm crabby. I'm tired. I'm hormonal. And tonight was supposed to be a nice night off! My mom has DS, DH is off work tonight (works midnights), and I was planning on having a nice night together, as well as officially ending the "drought". Now I just want to cry.


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## thecountrymouse (Jun 23, 2011)

diana_of_the_dunes- I hope today was better. Sounds like you are in a rough situation with the hubby. It's hard to get in the mood when we are preoccupied with baby making.

I understand! -Violet


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

Thanks Violet. Yes, yesterday was better. My mom came over and we canned tomatoes, then I went to work. Smewhere in there I realized that the past 3 or 4 months have been all about DH meeting my needs. I was horribly sick while pregnant, then there was all the aftermath and recovery from the double miscarriage. He did way more house work than usual, took care of DS, stayed up late so I could get more sleep (he works midnights, but watches DS in the AM until I get up), and hasn't complained even once. After getting over my disappointment, I completely agree that he needs to have his needs come first for a bit. So I snuck out a bit early so I could come home and get it on with DH, regardless of babymaking. And he didn't even mention a condom, or pulling out, or doing anything to prevent. So... I guess we're not trying, but not preventing. It's a good compromise.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *zubeldia*
> 
> Well, it's been a crappy time here. I started my period on Thursday - my first day of work, which involved sitting next to a very pregnant friend in an all day meeting. It is a VERY heavy period, which is totally abnormal for me.


I gather that you're without power at the moment, but I've been thinking of you and hoping that AF isn't kicking your butt too hard.










*Texanromaniac:* I'm sorry that you're here - you were just a couple of days ahead of me. I really feel like our March DDC took a real hiding - there seem to be so many of us that ended up (back) over here at P&BL.

AFM: I'm officially on hold until I get a million tests done (again) and see the doc for follow up on October 10th. There's a really good chance that he will then refer me back to maternal fetal medicine for review after that, so it may be even longer.

I got my blood drawn after having a couple of positive tests. My hcg was 40 on Friday, 34 on Sunday. The doctor seems to think that it was a new (non viable) pregnancy, but it could possibly be leftover hcg from the d&c. I might know more when I get the progesterone results.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Sorry Diana... Hope it gets better. DH and I generally don't crab at each other... we glare for longs spells. I'd rather crab, gets things out. Hope he's willing to try once more. Nobody is ever too old to hold a new baby. Good luck.


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

We talked it over once I had chilled out from my over-tired hormonal bitchiness. I said that I was worried he would back out, and he said he wouldn't. He's not the type to not do something once he has said he will; it's just one of my (many) irrational fears surrounding TTC and pregnancy after all the crap we've been through.

In other news, a friend of mine just posted pictures of his newborn on Facebook. I cried. I just can't believe we lost our twins. It seems like a bad dream, but occasionally I realize it actually happened.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

We can't even figure out if we are going to try again or try to avoid pregnancy. I guess some of it will depend on whether this is a partial molar pregnancy or not, if it is we have to wait for 6 months and I'll be 43 in October. Sometimes I can't imaging going through a 4th loss in a row or putting the kids through that again. Sometimes I want a baby so bad I would do just about anything to have one.

I am cranky today.

My niece, who is 19, is expecting her 2nd baby in a few weeks and it makes me sad. She's a great mom, but doesn't support herself and her boyfriend doesn't support the family either. I was there for the first birth, but I am going to babysit her 2 year old during this one, I just can't be there. It's selfish, but I just can't.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

it's hard sage and diana, my neighbor just found out from my little DD that we lost our baby. She asked her about the new tree we planted and so DD told her. However now she's avoiding me like the plague. My grandma told me it wasn't nice to throw mental stones at her... 1. for having my due date 2. for being so damn healthy 3. for avoiding me now... and 4. just because. I'm okay with the just because. I would like to be happy for her but I can. However the PE teacher at my girls school also has the same date... sigh... but she's so sweet and well I can't be anything but happy for her. My girls told her that we lost our baby and she hunted me down and hugged me in the hallway. See... I understand some people just don't know what to say... and others know exactly what to do.

peace to you all


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

We have power again! Phew.

Milk8shake... I'm glad your #s are going down. How are you doing? And are you doing some follow-ups with your Dr? I've been thinking about you a lot.









Sagewinna, I just hope hope that it's not a molar preganncy. When will you know for sure?

And, Diana, glad you've reached some understanding with DH.

Imac, ugh, it might be so hard with the neighbour. I have a friend who is due in March and she has been really avoiding me, too. We dont live close-by but she just moved to Boston. She is fantastically wealthy (married to a pretty famous guy). she's moving into a huge, ridiculously expensive house, and I just feel hugely jealous. I try to overcompensate by being in touch with her via email and text and she sometimes just doesn't even get back to me. It is really pretty hurtful.

AND, for heaven's sake, ANOTHER FB announcement... and it would have been my due date. I need new FB friends!


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

This morning there was a pregnant woman next to me in Bikram class... I thought I was safe there! I don't understand why anybody would want to do Bikram when 6 months pregnant, she couldn't even do half of the poses, she had to just sit there for most of the class. The bitchy cow inside me wanted to say something to her about it but I managed to restrain myself to the odd eyeroll here and there. I know it's stupid, but I had a really hard time trying not to fixate on her during the class. If I was enlightened I suppose I would think of it as a challenge to help me stay focused on myself. But I'm not enlightened and it was farking annoying.

At least nobody I know is pregnant right now... although that means I have a freaking bin of maternity clothes, it's been passed around between all my friends who have been pregnant and now I'm stuck with it.

We made a little memorial for the baby and a friend of ours, who miscarried twins earlier this year, is taking it to the temple at Burning Man for us. I'm glad we got to do that, hopefully I can watch the temple burn online Sunday night.

I've been going to Bikram every other day and biking as much as possible and I'm already down two belt notches and 4 pounds, so that is something at least.


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## Rainey Daye (Apr 30, 2010)

I had to hide a friend's feed on Facebook yesterday. Jes announced she was expecting while I was right in the middle of all the miscarriage junk...the day after I passed the first clots and was told my HCG had dropped, actually. Her due date was the day before mine was to be...which in itself is hard. I'm pretty much okay around expectant mamas who are further along...even ones due around when Riley was due (just because I lost Riley so early on)...but those who are due within weeks of when Paisley was due are a lot harder for me...and besides my SIL Kym (who is due three days after Paisley's should-have-been due date)...there's Laura (who shared a due date with me) and Jes who are both friends from an online forum I've been on for years. Laura isn't a Facebook friend so I don't have to deal with seeing pregnancy updates from her and though my SIL posts occasionally about her pregnancy it is usually thrown in randomly in a list of stuff and she totally understands that I am gonna be weird around her.

Jes on the other hand has had her due date adjusted and is now due on Paisley's should-have-been due date and after seeing her status yesterday announcing happily that she was "12 weeks today!!" I couldn't handle it anymore...so I hid her. Half her updates at least are about her pregnancy now and I just can't handle seeing her hit all the various pregnancy milestones when I should be hitting them at the same time.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Oh the facebook updates suck. If it wasn't for some friends overseas and family interstate, I would totally disable my whole account.

I went through a while back and just cleansed my friends list completely. That was great. Now, any pregnancy announcements are blocked from my feed straight away. No dilly dallying.

The problem that I have noticed though, is that it doesn't end with the due date. Then it's the updates about the baby milestones, not to mention the "I am a mother" status updates. I think it's those that kill me more.

Zub, I'm glad you are safe and have power back. I get the jealous of your friend thing too. There is a couple in our life that just seem to have that charmed life where everything just falls into place without a problem. They have two great kids, and I don't think they realise how lucky they are. Recently, they came into a lot of money... (ka-ching!) and I just really feel like they don't deserve it or appreciate how thankful they should be.

Laggie, I know what you mean about fixating on someone, and not being able to let it go. That happens to me too.

Me, I'm doing okay - somewhat surprisingly. I'm starting a new job next week. It's nothing special really, just for an insurance company, but it is a reasonable paying company, with good perks, and best of all, it's part time - although the first few weeks are full time training. I think it will do me good to have something new to focus on, and also meet some (hopefully cool) new people. I'm gonna work hard at trying to get some new interests or activities happening too. Maybe a trivia night? Also, do some study once I'm settled at the job.

I am having a little bit of a hard time with Father's Day coming up on Sunday I think the dates are different in the States? I haven't actually done anything for DP the last two years, mainly because I think I was a bit too much of a mess, but this year, I would really like to do something for him. Seems unfair that the other guys at his work get presents, and breakfast in bed, and he doesn't. Not quite sure what I will do. I'm thinking that I will cook breakfast, and maybe get him a tattoo voucher? He has been hanging out to get another tatt for a while.

I'd like to get a card or something, but I don't know what to write. He is definitely not a sentimental type - he is the typical tough Aussie bloke, you know?

If anyone has any ideas, I'm open.


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

We should totally begin our own FB group! Hugs to all of you facing the FB blues. Totally sucks on so many levels. I have 17 friends - yes, 17 friends - who have either just given birth or who are pregnant. That's not even counting a few people I know on FB who I really don't 'know' too well.

milk8shake, thanks for getting the jealousy thing. I feel like a petty person right now. And the truth is I do feel like a lucky person myself, you know? But, still... jeepers, some people.

I think it's lovely that you want to do something for father's day. it's in June here in the US (and UK, for that matter). The tattoo sounds like a lovely idea. My DH is not really a blokey bloke and I would probably do the breakfast in bed thing, make/get a special card... even perhaps find a plant/tree. Congrats on the job!! I am back to work now and whilst it's good to be distracted it is hard being back after the loss. People keep asking how my summer was and I just respond, 'oh, crappy, how was yours?!'


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## thecountrymouse (Jun 23, 2011)

My daughter went back to school this week. I have been asked, about a billion times, about my summer. I pretty much start speaking in gibberish. Or cry. I have a darkness now that will never go away. I have been exercising and working really hard on my house, trying to get my feelings out. I look like absolute hell, just haggard, tired and old. I've aged years this summer.

I understand the jealousy feeling also, I feel so sad when I see babies and little toddlers. I don't have any close friends or anyone, except a cousin having her fourth, that I know is pregnant. My situation is a bit different, two of my dearest friends have been trying to get pregnant for a second time for a couple years. I wish all three of us were pregnant. At least we have each other to cry with and to just listen to each other with compassion and understanding.

Milk8shake- I think the tattoo idea sounds like a good one for a bloke!


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## Rainey Daye (Apr 30, 2010)

I know this is crazy, but after I posted to my DDC expectant mamas list and to the Facebook group for my DDC to tell them that I'd lost the baby I also said that I sincerely hoped and prayed that Paisley was the last baby lost from the group and even though it seems strange, I have popped back on that thread about once a week these past three weeks just to look at that list and I am happy to say that my name is still the last one on the list. Not much of a comfort to those of us that have lost ours, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone...so I'm glad the other mamas babies are sticky at least.


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## diana_of_the_dunes (Dec 7, 2008)

Milk8shake - I'm soooo bad with gifts for my DH. I usually end up getting him DVDs or clothes, unless he has something really specific he wants (like parts for his motorcycle or something that I wouldn't ever guess on my own). A few of the gifts I thought for sure would be winners were complete duds. My man is tough to buy for, but I really like the idea of a tattoo certificate. I might steal that for Christmas! Good luck with the new job. Hopefully you can meet some great new people.

I'm amazed at how many women here and on the TTC boards are having such a rough time with Facebook. I sort of include myself, since I had a meltdown two days ago after seeing a friend's pictures of his newborn. *sigh*

I went to Chicago yesterday with a friend to drop a third friend at the airport. While we were there, we stopped at REI to check out backpacking gear and so I could try on some new hiking pants. I know mine don't fit. But the only size that fit me was a TWO SIZES bigger than what I usually wear, and they were so baggy everywhere but the waist that they looked awful. And looking at my belly in the full-length mirror... Gah. I kind of had one of those moments where I realized that the person in the mirror was not me. I came home and went for a run, which helped me to feel better. I need to keep it up. That was my third run in 10 days, so I'm not doing too bad, but I'd like to get back to running every other day. If I can lose a few pounds by the time I go on my backpacking trip this October, I know I'll feel a LOT better about myself.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

Ah, Facebook. My younger sister announced she is pregnant on there yesterday. I just blocked her... I know that sounds awful since she is my sister, but we are half sisters and I see her about once a year. She has another daughter who is 10 years old, who she has shipped off to live with Grandma, as far as I can tell this is because it's inconvenient for her to find daycare. We took my niece out for the weekend and she asked if she could live with us. Which is what she asks every time she visits. I'm sure she's just being a kid (the fun would wear off pretty quickly!) but still. I had to block little sister on facebook because my urge is to post something snarky. She is 10 years younger than me and I am sure this baby was an accident.









I know I should be happy for her but I just can't right now. Maybe later.


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## music.mama.pdx (Jul 14, 2010)

Regarding the Facebook thing - I can say that this is probably one time that I can say I'm glad to be an older mama. Most of my friends have older kids and aren't announcing pregnancies, etc. Thank goodness for the settings FB has, making folks disappear without un-friending them.

I find real life encounters to be far more difficult. My coworker that had a baby in May came into the office yesterday (she's about to come back from maternity leave). It was really, really tough to see her son. I was polite and smiled at him and then when back to my cube and cried. I hope that I can eventually be happy in those moments but right now it's still too hard.

I have been feeling a bit better in the last week and now it seems like DH is struggling with his grief. It seems logical, like he was keeping it together while I was a mess and now he has the space to be sad and fall apart.


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

I have one foot in a pit of despair. Sorry for the profanity but some people are just fucking clueless. I feel such intense longing and sadness that I feel as though I am going to burst. The friend I mentioned had her first appointment today, she saw the baby moving around, etc.. She texted me this, which was actually fine because I texted her a good luck message (over compensating for the private bad thoughts I am harbouring), but nothing else. No "this must be super hard for you, thanks for the support given your loss". Just something, you know? Instead I feel so despairing and envious and petty and all the things I really dislike.

Blimey, I feel so miserable.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

I get you Zubeldia, even my grandmother told me I couldn't throw mental stones. However she did agree with me that it was fine to wish my neighbors baby come out with a very large nose... Mean right? I'm like go ahead and "OOOOOH and AWE!" over that ugly baby that I'm totally making up in my head! (please no negativity over my thought I shared, I know it's wrong but for the love of Judas I'm a wreck!)

It's a roller coaster of emotions, in the beginning I posted that I was amazed at how ok I was. Then the next minute I was sending mental hate messages to all my pregnant friends,well all except my friends who have been through a lot and I can be nothing but happy for their current healthy pregnancies. Mostly because they understand my pain more than anyone else and have been pretty good at saying the right things. Even going so far as asking if I want to know about what's going on with them or if I'm even ready for that. For them yes I can be. For the others? I just have to try to reign in my petty self!

So Zubeldia, get it all out. Eventually you'll stop feeling that way, just as I hope eventually I'll stop thinking bad thoughts about my neighbor. (I hope she gets really fat and has vericose veins... and hammer toes!) We're just jealous and hormonal... and emotional. Which makes us pretty immature right now.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *zubeldia*
> 
> I have one foot in a pit of despair. Sorry for the profanity but some people are just fucking clueless.


Amen to that. Instead of some, I would say *most.* Unfortunate, but true. And we have to live with them.

Oh and *Imakcerka* - I don't think it's immature at all, it's just grief, and a changed perspective of life. I certainly hope that eventually you both change your thinking, but it is definitely something I have struggled with a lot. I still have evil, pure evil thoughts, although admittedly they happen less often these days.

FWIW, Zub - I think you need to spend some time putting yourself first. The overcompensating with friends really isn't helping you is it? You need to be looking out for number one. I can honestly say that good friends, true friends, will understand that. In a perfect world, these friends should be texting you, and checking up on you!

Thanks for the input on the tattoo cert. I've decided to give that to him for his birthday instead, which is next week. I kind of want him to be able to choose what he wants, and not have it "attached" to the sadness in our lives, IYKWIM? I think I'll just do brekkie and a card on Sunday.


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

Thanks, Imak, I did laugh when I read your grandma's suggestion! That sounds like a good idea... especially since this woman is also beautiful. Blah.

milk&shake, thanks for getting it, too. And I really appreciate what you said. Actually I do feel really cross about it and also let down, and not just by this friend but by the vast majority of people. I am really angry with my doctor for being so discounting of how I'm feeling, too. I have known her for a long time and she is also a friend and it's somehow worse because she says things to me that she wouldn't say to other patients. And I overcompensate here, too, by saying how great she has been.. and even today her husband (who is a professor where I work) came to ask me to guest lecture in his class and I was like, oh yes, of course, I'd love to... and I was all fucking smiley when really I just felt disappointed by everyone. I really do need to just quit doing this and that would involve not gushing over all my pregnant friends in an effort to seem like a bigger person... I just read a comment on someone's FB page and I am pretty sure they are pregnant from what I read and it really is the Goddamn last straw.

I've had this perennial problem of not feeling like I fit in anywhere, and this just seems to have exacerbated that feeling, you know?


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I have an appointment in 2 weeks, then we should have definitive results about the partial molar pregnancy thing.

I took all my maternity clothes and traded them for credit at a consignment store. If I ever did get pregnant and it actually went past 10 weeks I will cross that bridge when I get there. I loved every single skirt and top I had and it grieves me that with 3 pregnancies I wore one skirt a few times and that's it. 

I will never ever understand why, after 7 1/2 years of infertility and several years after getting past the baby lust, we were blessed with 3 babies in one year and none of them stayed. It just woke up that part of my heart and I feel so betrayed by my body and by God. This whole last pregnancy I kept thinking that going through the other 2 losses was worth is because this one was going to stick. If it was just me and dh I would chance it again in a heartbeat, but watching my kids heart break time after time, and my mom's, and my in-law's, and and and... And the chances are sketchy at my age anyway. After being infertile, it is so hard to have to decide whether to avoid pregnancy or not. Of COURSE I want to be pregnant. I just don't know if dh and my family and myself can emotionally weather another dead baby, another shattered dream.

The people that know tell me it looks like I am handling everything great. I tell them what choice is there besides continuing to move forward, especially with kids? I am broken inside but the kids still need transportation and meals and laundry, yk?

I am holding all of you close to my heart.


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## thecountrymouse (Jun 23, 2011)

Sagewinna- Sending you love and rays of sunshine. -Violet


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Lots of love your way. I've pretty much told myself just to give it up. I went 6 years and then 3 in a row as well. What is going on? How unfair can this be? I'm not sure what to do anymore. I think I should just wait. But oh the idea of adding one more little piece of heaven to my crazy family was and is so enticing.

I wonder if I were to get pregnant again could I just hide it long enough... just in case. But could my heart handle another loss? And the way I'm going I keep planting little gardens and trees... will my kids have grass to walk on?


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## thecountrymouse (Jun 23, 2011)

Well ladies, I am moving on to the "trying to get pregnant" thread. One of you wrote that my husband would change his mind about trying again. We talked about it last week and he said that he never said he didn't want to try again. Serious communication breakdown! Wish me luck! -Violet


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Good luck!!!!


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I've been trying to stay away from here for awhile and move into another place, whatever that means. But this weekend the weather changed, which is great, of course - BUT, we live in this old house and the cold weather brings out all of these weird smells. All of my pregnancies have started with hyper-emesis in the fall weather, so all of these smells immediately make me feel nauseous. I keep thinking, ew, I can't eat that - I'll throw up. And then remember, no, I won't. I don't know if this makes sense, bu then sensory/memory thing is really screwing with me. Its just the smells, once I start eating I'm fine. But the smell of the house, the smell of food and my husband - all of it keeps tricking me into feeling like i'm pregnant. The sickness itself was traumatic enough, but then all my sick whining was followed by this loss. I just DO NOT want to sit here and relive all of the stuff that happened to me last year, and I was doing okay UNTIL MY HOUSE STARTED SMELLING LIKE MORNING SICKNESS.

I guess I need to go bake cookies or something.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

*Wilson*, that is just rotten.

Me, I'm almost 6 weeks post D&C, and no sign of AF. Totally weird, the other miscarriages I've had AF back between 4 and 5 weeks. Not that I really want AF, I just want things to be back to normal. Last weekend, I had fully had all the usually pre AF belly discomfort, and went so far as to tell DP that the witch was on her way, but... nothing.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

oh, Milkshake, that sucks. After my D&C, i bled for two weeks, and then got my period two weeks later, so it was right on time but it felt like it was really fast.

My house smells a bit better today - I don't know if it's just me or what. My husband doesn't really notice the smell anyway, so I think I'm just hypersensitive. I'm hoping it will pass soon.


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## music.mama.pdx (Jul 14, 2010)

Milkshake - I can relate. It's been 35 days since my loss and AF has not shown yet. I feel pretty frustrated.

Wilson - what a bummer that smell triggers you so much. I've read scent is powerful for memory. I'm glad its letting up.

AFM - I had a terrible dream last night. I was miscarrying and I could see the baby and placenta on the floor below me. I woke up crying and woke up DH it was so bad :-( I miss my baby...


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## incorrigible (Jun 3, 2007)

I started my first AF since the miscarriage last night. I started spotting (sometimes almost as much as a light flow, sometimes just a tint when I wiped) in the mornings EVERY MORNING like 3 months ago. Last month I had a bit of maybe actual light flow for a week. I think it was my body trying to start AF up. Then, after that week I've had almost no spotting. A little tinting in the mornings a few times. Now I have flow. It's still not the same as it was before I got preg, but my instinct is that my hormones should finally be back to normal within a couple months. I'm starting to actually see the light at the end of this tunnel, and that's an indescribably huge relief! It's been what? 8 months? I was afraid my body was never going to heal from this. I'm still afraid I'll never get back to normal, but it at least seems possible now.

For right now, I'm an emotional basketcase, though. I woke up with my eyes practically cemented shut with salt because I was crying in my sleep. Dh is being just awesome, but the last few days or so I've felt so sad and lonely that I actually have a pain in my chest. =/ It doesn't help that my same due date friends are all cooing over their babies hitting the 1 month mark. I think that's where the lonely is coming from. If I ever manage to get preg again, I'm not getting all overboard and joining ddc and what not. I don't need the support, and it turns out the whole feeding off each other's excitement thing is sooo not worth it.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Sorry, drive by. I think AF is finally on her way today. Spotting and a bit of general stomach yuckiness. Just past 6 weeks since the D&C.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I am glad you drove by, milkshake!

I either double ovulated or seminal fluid looks just like ewcm several times the day after. I am so rusty on NFP stuff, we've only dtd 1 time since we've past the 2 weeks post d&c. Just want to bleed so I know where I am. This Thursday is my 4 week follow up and I'll find out if it was a partial molar pregnancy or not.

In the past year, since I turned 42 actually, I have been pregnant 29 weeks. I have 10 extra lbs to show for it and I look a lot older and tired. I yearn for my babies.

A friend of ours in the same marriage group we are in just had her baby and I'm trying so hard not to be bitter. She was using contraception, didn't want to be pregnant, and didn't know until she was 13 weeks. I just keep thinking why her and not me?


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## incorrigible (Jun 3, 2007)

so happy. AF is over. It was a normal, just like ever, flow. Now there's nothing. The great thing though? I'm losing weight. I very suddenly, and in spite of my best efforts, gained like 50 lbs after the loss. And started growing thick nasty chin/neck hair. =( Over this last week, the chin hair has gotten noticably thinner or softer or something, and is growing way slower...though it isn't gone. And the weight is melting off. I'm down like 8 lbs. And I'd totally given up on losing the weight any time soon, so it's by no effort of mine. Something shifted hormonally, and I'm getting my self back. I'm also much more stable emotionally, and life is suddenly running much smoother for everyone in the house. woot!


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

That's good news, incorrigible. 

I had a super vivid dream this morning right before I got up... I went to the hospital with my midwives because I was going to find out is the last pregnancy was a partial molar and because I was having weird symptoms. When the Dr. got there, they did an ultrasound and there was a baby, alive, well and bouncing around. I can still see the image clear as day, fingers and toes and everything. In the dream I was astounded and couldn't figure out how it was possible. When I woke I felt such a renewed sense of loss... I actually started crying while I was working out at the gym when the image of this baby popped into my head. It was so strange.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Oh Sage, I have dreams like that all the time. *hugs* I'm so sorry.

~Rose


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## erin12 (Sep 15, 2011)

I guess I'm just going to jump in and introduce myself. After 3 years of infertility and just 2 months after a hysteroscopy/lap that my doctor thought might solve my "problem", I found out I was pregnant on August 25, which was also my 4 year wedding anniversary. I gave my husband a onesie for a gift and I've never seen him so happy. Eleven days later I started spotting. I went to my doctor and he told me it was normal and not to panic. A few days later, still spotting, I went back and cried until they agreed to do an ultrasound and bloodwork. The ultrasound showed 5 weeks 5 days development which, at 6 weeks, they said was pretty much right on track. But when the bloodwork came back the next day it showed progesterone 4 and hcg in the 400s, "not consistent with a healthy pregnancy". I was devastated. I went back 5 days later and still measuring 5 weeks 5 days, was officially told the pregnancy was over. They referred me to a women's clinic but they couldn't see me for two days, and I wanted it over with, so I went to my local ER who gave me misoprostal. I went home, inserted it, and waited for what I had read would be a lot of bleeding and terrible cramps. And nothing happened. The next day I called the women's clinic and they told me I should have gotten 2 doses, so I went back to the ER and got a second dose. It's now 26 hours after that second dose and I'm just barely seeing spotting when I go to the bathroom. I have no idea what's going on. I've also heard from my doctor that I should have gotten a rhogam shot, because I have a negative blood type, so now I have to go back to the ER a third time.

I'm heartbroken and exhausted. My husband looks so sad. And, in the throes of our "We're going to be parents!" excitement we bought a car which we pick up tonight. Oh, and my best friend is 4 months pregnant. All I can think is that this is not how this was supposed to be. I guess I'm looking for people who have been through this, who know what it's like, and who can tell me that it will get better.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm so sorry for your loss, Erin.

The meds didn't work very well for me. I, too, expected a lot of bleeding and just ended up with period type bleeding for 3 weeks. Do you still have your appointment at the clinic? Maybe they can help you better than the ER can...

It WILL get better, slowly. Let yourself grieve, let yourself feel whatever you are feeling. You may have some feelings that surprise you but feelings aren't good or bad, they just are. Pamper yourself, watch bad tv and cry and eat comfort food and cry some more, if that's what you want to do. People experience loss in different ways, and I grieved differently with each loss.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Not a molar pregnancy! Yay for that. Everything else looked good.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Great news Sage. Really pleased for you.


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## wanderinblues (Aug 14, 2011)

i know what its like, and it will get much more tolerable if not better.

i lost what was to be our first together a week ago at 6 weeks and was so devastated. we had told our close friends and family and we all had so much hope and happiness and it felt like nothing could go wrong. i was on top of the world and so happy to be pregnant. like my midwife said when i cancelled our first appointment, i had already made room in my heart for that little baby and now that emptiness is so painful.

for me, it helps to surrender to my body and trust it to do whats best. also, we will be trying again right away and i am already on my way to being happy when i think about being pregnant and having a baby... even just the trying and hoping. it will be good to be back on that road, though im sure i will be sick of it if we dont conceive right away lol.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *erin12*
> 
> I guess I'm just going to jump in and introduce myself. After 3 years of infertility and just 2 months after a hysteroscopy/lap that my doctor thought might solve my "problem", I found out I was pregnant on August 25, which was also my 4 year wedding anniversary. I gave my husband a onesie for a gift and I've never seen him so happy. Eleven days later I started spotting. I went to my doctor and he told me it was normal and not to panic. A few days later, still spotting, I went back and cried until they agreed to do an ultrasound and bloodwork. The ultrasound showed 5 weeks 5 days development which, at 6 weeks, they said was pretty much right on track. But when the bloodwork came back the next day it showed progesterone 4 and hcg in the 400s, "not consistent with a healthy pregnancy". I was devastated. I went back 5 days later and still measuring 5 weeks 5 days, was officially told the pregnancy was over. They referred me to a women's clinic but they couldn't see me for two days, and I wanted it over with, so I went to my local ER who gave me misoprostal. I went home, inserted it, and waited for what I had read would be a lot of bleeding and terrible cramps. And nothing happened. The next day I called the women's clinic and they told me I should have gotten 2 doses, so I went back to the ER and got a second dose. It's now 26 hours after that second dose and I'm just barely seeing spotting when I go to the bathroom. I have no idea what's going on. I've also heard from my doctor that I should have gotten a rhogam shot, because I have a negative blood type, so now I have to go back to the ER a third time.
> 
> I'm heartbroken and exhausted. My husband looks so sad. And, in the throes of our "We're going to be parents!" excitement we bought a car which we pick up tonight. Oh, and my best friend is 4 months pregnant. All I can think is that this is not how this was supposed to be. I guess I'm looking for people who have been through this, who know what it's like, and who can tell me that it will get better.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Erin12 and WanderinBlues - welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't envy the freshness of your grief and the long journey you have ahead. I promise it does feel less raw eventually. Today is day 287 of my grief journey. I'm doing okay, but I haven't forgotten my baby.

Sagewinna - I'm glad to hear it wasn't molar. And I know this is late, but I usually have seminal fluid that looks like ewcm for 2-3 days after. I can usually tell though because it's cloudly instead of clear though. Do you remember how to do the seminal fluid instruction for Creighton (after intercouse, do 5 kegels and then bear down - 3x)? It doesn't always completely work for me, but it does reduce the amount of seminal fluid I see.



> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> In the past year, since I turned 42 actually, I have been pregnant 29 weeks. I have 10 extra lbs to show for it and I look a lot older and tired. I yearn for my babies.


That's so hard and I'm so sorry.

How are you doing MilkShake?

AFM - my seasonal-morning sickness symptoms keep coming and going, but they're getting milder. It seems like a cross between SAD and PTS, and morning sickness, of course. I feel sort of dumb about it. I had to take a test this month just be sure I wasn't actually pregnant, even though there's almost no way I could be. I think my husband is getting a little paranoid about it, too, poor dear.

One of my sisters came for a visit and we talked a bit about my baby this weekend. She's been really kind to remember him to me, and to ask me how I'm feeling and that really means so much. My other sisters are pregnant and getting to the fun stage, which hurts a little, but I think more so because they don't ever talk about my baby. I can tell that it's mostly that they are afraid to mention it - but anyway, whatever. It was nice to talk about him to my sister.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Wilson, I am glad you got to talk about your baby!

I did the kegels, and what I saw the next day was clear and stretchy and there was a lot of it. I am thinking now that it was fertile mucus, especially if I look at my chart and count from the day a week after the d&c where I had severe cramps and gushy bleeding for an afternoon after just spotting the whole time, that' was probably when I passed the rest of what I needed to pass.

I am not happy about avoiding pregnancy. DH is terrified of getting pregnant.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

Erin, I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a natural miscarriage and it took about a week, but the baby had stopped developing almost a month earlier. I know how horrendous it is, but it might just take some time. I guess it has been a few days, hopefully this has resolved for you by now.









I turned 37 last week, and I'm feeling like a barren old woman. Still no AF and it's been 6 weeks.

I feel like a horrible person, I still can't find it in my heart to be happy about my sister's pregnancy. She is on facebook moaning about morning sickness every day and I just want to smack her. I have her posts blocked but I am also friends with her mom and her daughter so I get some cross-fire.

And to top it all off I actually gained a pound since last week! I have been exercising lots but I did eat tons of restaurant food over the weekend so I really shouldn't be surprised. I feel like losing this weight is much harder than it should be.

Bleh. Okay, that's all my bitching and moaning. Thanks for letting me vent here... Life isn't all bad, we had a massage "class" yesterday where the massage person came to our house and taught DH how to give me a massage. So that was effing awesome.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Hey *Wilson*. Sorry to hear that you still have crazy seasonal symptoms going on. I use the term "crazy" very loosely, by the way. I definitely had PTS symptoms after my first loss. Everytime that I had AF, and went to the bathroom and saw blood, I had flashbacks. It was terrible. It wasn't just the crapness of having AF when I should have been pregnant, it was literally like I was reliving it again and again. Not so fun. I actually went through an "afraid of the dark" stage too. I had to have a light on in the house, all night, and we specifically had to buy a night light for the bathroom.

Anyway, I tell you all this so you don't feel like you are the only one. I'd just be keeping an eye on your symptoms, especially the SAD stuff, because it has been linked to depression. Also, I'm really glad that you had a nice talk with your sister. Not everyone can give us what we need as baby loss mamas, and I can imagine it would be kind of hard for your preggo sisters to know what the right thing to say it. (not that it's not hard for you) If you can, you should let your sis know how much it means to you that she talks about your baby.

*Sagewinna:* It's hard when you and your DH are on different pages, hey? I know that mine has been less bothered by the actual losses, and more bothered by the effect they had on me. Him wanting to take a break was a real protective instinct type thing. We both really want to be parents, but in some ways, while my priority is a baby, his priority is me. Which is nice, but also hard to deal with on occasions. I guess it's okay for your DH to be scared. It's just his way of dealing with things.

*Laggie: * Ugh. It's so hard when all you want is for your body to go back to normal, and it just won't. Most of the time you don't want to know about AF, and the one time that you want her to show up, she's nowhere to be seen. Don't feel horrible about your sister. It took me a long, long, long time to feel okay about other people's pregnancies. And even then, only specific people. I still have days where pregnant people are too much for me. One the other hand, FB is pure evil most of the time. Any and everyone on my friends list is blocked from my news feed. I don't want to read their whingy whiny updates. Not when I would give my left arm to be in their position. So, to stop myself from leaving nasty comments, the block button is my friend.

*AFM: * I've mentioned it on other threads, although I don't intend to say much here. It's possible I'm pregnant again, after the D&C, without getting AF. Way to make me feel like a skanky whore.

But, it's also possible that I have something nasty (like a molar thing) happening instead. My hcg is being monitored, and I have a scan next week. Until then, I'm on tenterhooks.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Oh, Milkshake! I hope it's a sticky bean and not a molar. I wish you didn't feel bad that you might be pregnant, though I understand. *hug* Please keep us posted, please!

Laggie, I am having trouble taking any weight off too. It's just this constant reminder, it sucks.

DH was very greatly affected by the losses, so much so that he's going to see a therapist. It breaks my heart, he is so afraid to make love right now even though I am pretty confident about charting again. I know it will pass and it hasn't been that long, it seems like forever though. It's like labor, I experienced it fully in the moment, then moved past it... He was a little freaked out for months.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Sagewinna - I'm sorry that you're avoiding now, I know that must feel hard. I like what Milkshake said about husbands, and yours sounds wonderful so I'm sure its true of him, too. Of course, its still hard.

Laggie - don't feel bad! I've been leaving groups and blocking friends a lot. Its funny how you can become both more empathetic and less tolerant at the same time, but that's where I am!

Milkshake - I missed your other threads, but I think skanky whore was probably the last thing that came to mind! I can imagine this comes with about a bazillion different feelings. I'm hoping for the best for you.

About all my symptoms, I think they are more related to the trauma of my hyper-emesis than my miscarriage. I've had this phantom nausea during the fall after my other pregnancies and before my miscarriage, too - it just comes with more baggage this time. I started AF this morning, but I still feel a little nauseous. That's not fair at all. But I'm exaggerating when I compare it to PTSD - which I certainly don't mean to make light of.


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

Sage, I'm behind on this thread but I'm so glad that it's not a molar pregnancy. Have you and your DH considered trying grief counseling together? It must be wretched to be far apart on TTC, especially when I know that desperate feeling of wanting to be pregnant... all too well.

Wilson







I can relate, somewhat, to the trauma of hyper-emesis. The phantom/sometimes real nausea is really hard.

Milk, you know my thoughts on this, but 'whore' is definitely not a word that comes to mind when I think of where you are, right now. I am just hoping so much that this is a sticky pregnancy. There is something wrong with the universe if this was also some weird molar pregnancy. Do you have a sense of when you'll know more?

Laggie, you;re not a horrible person for having those feelings. I am surrounded by pregnant women in real life and on FB and some of it plain hurts. In fact if I see one more moaning FB status update today about being pregnant or having a newborn, I might just very well scream. What I would do to be in that position. What all of us would do...

No real update for me. I'm in the terminal 2ww.. somewhat hopeful, and also feeling stupid for being hopeful.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

Milk8shake - I am not sure how that makes you a whore??? but I have my fingers crossed for good news!

zubeldia - hopeful is NOT stupid! Well unless you are me, since there is about a .00001% chance of me getting pregnant naturally!

wilson - I feel a bit traumatized by having had such awful morning sickness and then no baby. I feel like the universe played a very cruel trick on me.

sagewinna - I think a therapist is a good idea, I hope your DH finds it helpful. I have been considering going to see a counsellor too, I just keep getting all weepy throughout the day... I know that is normal but I think I need somebody to tell me it's normal! DP is reassuring but he feels like all this is his fault so it's hard to talk to him about it too much.

AFM - AF arrived today, which would explain why I was so weepy during yoga class this morning. Luckily it's a Bikram class so nobody can really tell. I am still not sure whether I want to try again right away or wait. I called the IVF clinic and if we start right away I'll be doing a frozen embryo transfer around November 10th, or I can wait another month. I think if I wait another month, I will be getting the results right around Christmas. I'm not sure if I can handle that if it's a BFN - my parents are going away for Christmas too, so it's going to be weird for me as it is...

It's so hard to decide, because part of me just wants a baby NOW and another part is really terrified of any more losses/failures right now. I have to let them know tomorrow.


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## erin12 (Sep 15, 2011)

Thanks, everybody, for the warm welcome. So sorry to introduce myself and then disappear - poor etiquette!

Sage, I can't tell you how much better hearing that the meds didn't work for you either made me feel. I was feeling like a total failure because everything I could find online was like "I took the meds and 2 hours later started bleeding." I did have a few days of bleeding - pretty much the same as a period. I don't know if that's it, or what. I probably need to call my clinic and make them give me an ultrasound. Glad to hear you didn't have a molar pregnancy! But so sorry that you and your husband are so far apart on next steps.

wanderinblues, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm impressed by your midwife - when I emailed to cancel my first appointment I didn't get any type of reply at all, which sort of hurt.

wilson, that's so great that your sister is being so supportive. One of the things I find hardest is that nobody really knew, so I feel like I've lost so much and I can't even talk to anybody except my husband about it.

Laggie, that doesn't make you a horrible person at all. Or if it does, I am right there with you. My best friend is pregnant (for the second time since we started trying) and it's all she talks about it, and I sometimes hate her. I can't count the number of Facebook friends I've hidden.

Milkshake, don't feel like a whore, that would be amazing! I will keep my fingers crossed for you that you get the outcome you want.

zubeldia, the 2WW is so brutal. Don't ever feel stupid for feeling hopeful, though, that's what keeps us going.

As for me, the reason I was gone was my husband and I went away for the weekend. On the one hand it was a nice break. On the other hand it was a little sad because we had planned to tell some close friends when we saw them. I'm also so furious at my body - we were originally supposed to run a half marathon, then I hurt my leg and couldn't train, then I got pregnant and didn't care at all about the race, but then I lost the pregnancy and still couldn't do the run and feel betrayed.

I also can't shake the "supposed to" thoughts. I was supposed to be telling my friends this weekend. I was supposed to be 8 weeks on Thursday. I need to try to switch my thinking from what was "supposed to be" to what I had hoped, I guess, and trust that this is what was supposed to happen and that it will still work out.


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

oh erin, I totally, totally understand. I was in the middle of training for a half ironman when I became pregnant (I thought it would take a long time to get pregnant and so we started before the race). Well, a lost baby and then no race, too. Oof, it was like a double whammy.. and of course the race doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but the truth is it did really hurt and even now I'm in limbo, wanting a baby SO SO SO much, but feeling like I am putting a lot of my life (especially tri training and other stuff) on hold until I am pregnant again. But anyway, I just wanted to say how much your post resonated... x

Oof, Laggie, I so sorry. For one I wish you didn't have the infertility issues, but second, I wish it was more certain and guaranteed that you'd end with a little baby. Holding on to hope that next time is your month.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Oh man, the doctors, nurses etc keep saying about how it is so soon after the D&C, and that I was supposed to be waiting, and all that. And I'm like "I KNOW". I was TTA, but it happened anyway - stop making me feel like I'm a dirty girl because we still had sex. That's where the skanky whore stuff came from









So, the doctor said that potentially, it could be leftover hcg or product or something worse (like the molar/tumour stuff). Personally, I don't think that is the case. I did have an ultrasound on about the 28th of last month because I still had hcg in my system, and at that stage, there was no evidence of RPOC, or anything. Everything was normal.

I do feel like this is a new pregnancy, but I won't know for sure until next week.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Milkshake, I hope it's a sticky babe for you, I really, really do.

Erin, I so get the "supposed to" thoughts. When I was pregnant each time, I'd think about how far along I'd be for holidays or trips, then those things would come up after the loss and it was just depressing.

Well, CD1 today. Relieved and sad all at once. I was thinking that, if dh said ok, let's be open again to a pregnancy, I don't know if I'd be brave enough to do it. 3 losses in a year is a lot, and I am losing hope that another pregnancy would turn out any different. I just don't know. *sigh*


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Hmmm Sage. CD 1 mixed feelings, I get that. My first three losses were all within a year as well - less, actually. I was certainly scared. And I took a bunch of time off from TTC then. It just felt like if I got pregnant, I didn't think I could handle either outcome (good or bad). Which is not to say that having a fourth loss did not suck to the max, because it did. But after having the time off, I really felt "safer" about being able to handle stuff from an emotional perspective. Ie; I didn't think I would throw my self off a bridge, or in front of a car. This last loss has been nasty, but it hasn't sent me into a nasty downwards spiral - which is what happened after number three.

Anyway, I hope I can say this without causing offense, but I know you are in a bit of a "hurry" as far as age is concerned, so maybe time off from TTC isn't as easy of a thing for you to process, but I do think that you have to be really comfortable being able to handle the potential fallout of another pregnancy. Not just in terms of a another potential loss, but also the potential anxiety that could come from a perfectly healthy "take home baby" 9 month pregnancy too.

Much love to you


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## zubeldia (Jan 15, 2009)

Sage, milk&shake said it all really well, I think. I hope that you and DH can at least be on the same page about TTC. What I'm realizing is how perilous and risky having children is. Of course I knew that already, but before this loss I hadn't experienced it so up close. It is terrifying to put yourself at so much risk, but the potential reward is, well.. you know.

Milk, any news? I am thinking about you a lot. And i could slap those nurses and Drs for making you feel that way.

I am feeling in a real limbo state. I got a BFP yesterday, which was both a shock, and not. I've been having intense symptoms for a few days but to be pregnant again seems like a really surreal thing. I don't know how I'm feeling.. excited, frightened, ambivalent, hopeful... scared. Anyway, I think these few weeks are going to be very challenging. If I'm lucky enough to get to the point of needing one, I'm terrified of going for a scan. We saw the HB twice on our lost little bean but the third time the baby had died and it was awful to see, even though I was not feeling optimistic about the pregnancy.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Milkshake you're not a skanky whore... but that's funny either way. Good luck mama! Everyone else hope you're doing well. I finally am having my first period. Holy uncomfortable. It came with a migraine and my first cold in 3 years.

We're going to wait to try again. We're thinking of around spring time next year. We still need to finish some test the Dr had mentioned. I really think DH has two headed sperm but he says it's not true.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

No offense taken at all. 

I know that it wouldn't be good for a lot of reasons to rush back in to trying, I do know that. I don't even know if I want to try at this point, I go back and forth. It was hard for me to have dh be afraid to be intimate with me, to see him in pain and to feel responsible for it I guess. There is a baby shaped hole in my heart for sure, but who knows what will happen.

Zubeldia, congratulations! I hope it's a sticky bean.  It's such a strange emotional place to be pregnant after a loss, I hope you find moments of peace and joy.


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## loudmama (Mar 12, 2005)

2 days ago, at 11 weeks & 5 days, I lost my baby. I didnt expect it. I felt so crappy, I thought all was well. It had started to get a bit better, but I was almost through the first trimester, & my M/S had ended as the second trimester began with my first 2 kids. I was more constipated this time, which was making me feel more crappy. I was working on it. Taking more magnesium citrate to help.

On Tuesday, I noticed a bit of redish mucus when I strained a bit to go. It was just a bit, & only then, so I didn't worry too much. Then next morning, I noticed it again, & called the Dr's office. I talked to her nurse, & she confirmed what I felt, that it was just due to strainig too hard to go. The nurse even called back later to see how I was, confirm that I was taking & upping if necessary the magnesium citrate to help with the constipation. She asked if I had any cramping, & I didn't think I did. After I got home, I went to the bathroom, & while I didn't think I was straining too hard, I had more discharge & a clot the size of a finger nail. I called the Dr's office again. I talked to the nurse again. I didn't think I was having cramping, so again we weren't worried. And the discharge only happemed been i trired to poo. But I was so uncomfortable with the constipation...

A little after 7 I went to the bathroom. I felt I needed to poo. But didn't want to strain too hard. Suddenly, a burst of yellowish fluid came out of my vagina. I yelled to my DH that think we needed to go to the hospital. I wiped again & it was bright red blood. I knew then that I had lost the baby. My DH got the kids ready to go & I called the Dr. On our way to the ER, the on-call Dr calls back. Despite telling her that I felt & saw a large gush & had bright red bleeding after, she tried to tell me it may not be a big deal. By the time we got to the ER, I had soaked a pad & had blood all over the front of my pants. When I went to the bathroom, I passed many major clots. It just confirmed what I l knew. Stupid toilet was an automatic flusher, so I didn't even get to see. I moved, & the fucking thing flushed. Not sure why it matters, but it does.

Today I'm numb, mostly. Sad at times. Maybe I just won't let myself be sad. I don't know.

We didn't plan a long time for this pregnancy, but we jumped in. It was a crazy idea, but we wanted it. Now it's gone. I don't want it to be gone. I don't want to be sitting here having wine & writing this. I want to be pregnant.

I don't know what we'll do, whether we want to try again. It was a crazy idea to go for it. I know it's hard to think of it now, but I'm not sure if we'll want to be so crazy again. Put ourselves through it & our kids.

This just sucks. I wanted to have this baby, & now I can't.

Thanks for listening.

L


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Zub - congrats! I'm hopeful and excited for you!

Loudmama - I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is when you don't expect, and especially when you've been so bothered by morning sickness. I'm so so sorry. And the toilet thing breaks my heart. I would be pretty angry about that too. Did you name your baby? I think that helps the grieving, to be able to speak about the baby by name. But I know a lot of people don't with first trimester losses, and that's okay too. Its okay to take some time to decide when you're ready to try again, just spend a little time grieving this one. Feel free to say anything you need to here.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Just updating to say that it's definitely a new pregnancy for me, but too early for fetal pole or anything concrete (not that a heartbeat is concrete in my book).

The good news is that it's not nasty molar something or other.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

Loudmama, I am so sorry for your loss. I was so mad when I lost my baby after 4 weeks of awful morning sickness... it's just not fair.

Milk8Shake, fingers toes and elbows crossed for a healthy pregnancy for you! You are so courageous.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Milkshake- just being (trying to be) grateful for each new day I didn't bleed was how I got through my second pregnancy. I wrote letters to my baby every day, I collected pretty things like seashells and rose petals to put in a box- things that I could have whether or not the baby stuck. It helped a lot when I miscarried, to have a memory box already made. And if the baby had stuck I would have had lovely reminders of my pregnancy. *hugs*

Fingers crossed for you!!

~Rose


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## music.mama.pdx (Jul 14, 2010)

We got the results back on the autopsy for our baby. Nothing could be found, no infection, no abnormalities, nothing. His right hand was slightly deformed but nothing like that would cause him to pass away. It's been a tough day.

Milk - I am thinking positive thoughts for you.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Milk8shake*
> 
> Just updating to say that it's definitely a new pregnancy for me, but too early for fetal pole or anything concrete (not that a heartbeat is concrete in my book).
> 
> The good news is that it's not nasty molar something or other.


I've been lurking here lately but wanted to congratulate you and say I'm thinking lots of positive thoughts for you <3 (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Milk8shake - that's great news! I'm cautiously optimistic for you. We're all rooting for you and your little one. Please feel free to update us here.

Krista - I'm thinking of you, too. Hope you're doing okay.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I think of you often, Krista. <3

Milkshake, keeping all crossibles crossed!

My niece is being induced, it's so hard to see her right now! April was due a month after and we were so excited to be pregnant together for a little while.  To top it off, I had my period (heavy) and it's been done for a few days, then out of the blue this afternoon I have some clotty stuff going on. Urgh. Wth?


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Thanks everyone.









*Music Mama -* I'm sorry that you didn't get any answers. Sometimes the hardest thing is not knowing. I hope today is a better day.

*Rose: * Thanks for the idea - I like it. I have to say that I have definitely been more detached from this pregnancy than my past ones. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing, but I was gonna try and do some journaling.

*Krista: * I've been thinking of you a lot. How are you doing?

*Wilson* - thanks









*Sage:* Sorry about the clots, and AF and the hard time ahead. I still haven't found that magic buttons that make newborns easy for me to cope with.

*AFM:* Nothing to report. Literally nothing. I have basically no symptoms. By this stage I am usually pretty ill, and have trouble with the eating, but I have a horse's appetite.

I have no idea what this means. I'm having serial betas again this week, but trying not to obsess. I'm terrified of having my scan next week. Each of my pregnancies have been shorter than the last, and the last one ended at 7w3d, and I'm not sure of the exact date of next week's scan yet (hopefully will know today) but I will likely be about 7w. Ugh.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Thanks ladies <3 I'm doing really well. Still doing lots of EFT work and healing my traumas. I really feel like a different person. My EFT coach wants me to start coaching others! I'm mentally preparing now for starting up my own business to help others heal with EFT and Matrix re-imprinting. Katharine was supposed to be due today and I've had a lot of triggers this past week but I'm feeling really good now. I hope you all are finding healing and, for those that desire it, new healthy pregnancies <3<3<3


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