# Explaining the loss of a sibling to a child who came later



## polka hop (Dec 23, 2003)

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## egoldber (Nov 18, 2002)

Well, I am not exactly in your position, but I have had to explain the loss of a sibling to a child. Its not completely the same thing, but its similar in the basics I think.

I would just tell her the truth. That Mary is her sister, but that she died, and this is where she is buried. Her service is a time for your family to come together and remember Mary, to celebrate her life and mourn her death. At 2.5, she may accept that at face value. Or she may have more questions. Expect a lot of questions. This is normal, and its how they integrate the experience into their psyches.

We are also not a religious family, so in explaining the death of her newborn sister to Sarah (then 3, now 4), I just told that Leah was too sick to live and that she died. Sometimes she asks WHERE Leah is now, and that is tough, because we do not believe in heaven and we had her cremated and she is not interred anywhere. (And I am not at all up for the conversation yet where I explain cremation to her.) But I just answer her as honestly and simply as I can.

Children understand a lot more than we sometimes give them credit for. While a 2.5 year old will not really understand death, they can be introduced to the concept that someone has died and what that means for you and your family in your belief system. They are also very accepting of things that we think will be overwhelming. I was prepared for a lot of trauma with my older DD, but she is really not having any issues. We talk about her sister and she still asks questions. We look at pictures of Leah and we talk about how we miss her and how it makes us sad that she died. Sarah's preschool class asked for a "family" picture, and we made a composite picture that included Leah. When asked if she has any siblings, she says she has a sister and that she died. Its very matter of fact for her.

Sarah expresses her feelings a lot through pretend play. So after you have this conversation, be prepared for your 2.5 year old to incorporate death and the idea of death into her play. I overhear DD all the time talking to her dolls and often one of them is "dead" or "pretend dead". This is totally normal, but can be very disturbing to hear as a bereaved parent. Its also awkward in social situations if your child plays with others and wants to pretend about death and the other child really has no concept of it.

There are some books about death for children and the death of a sibling. You may find some of those helpful. Many of those are also tinged with religious overtones or refer to the dead child as an "angel" which is not something that we choose to do. Some books that I find very nice (and are secular) are "Lifetimes", "Where's Jess" and "When Dinosaurs Die".

Peace to you.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

I agree w/ what Beth said, Just tell her the truth.

I think they do understand even when they are so young.
My 2 1/2 yr old gets it. She knows that when someone dies they are gone. I sometimes think it is much clearer to her than to me. It is what it is.

she also does the same thing Sarah does, sometimes her baby dolls die also. and that is okay.


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## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

Riotkrrn - I'm glad you asked this question, as I have been thinking about it also. I don't have another child yet to explain this to, but am planning on more children in my future. My sil's kids (2.5 & 5yrs old) were at the service for my Benjamin, and my sil makes sure to talk about him alot, so they don't forget who he is. When they are playing with their dollies, they now name some of them Ben. They never used to name ANY of their dollies. It is really sweet and nice to hear. They will say looking at his picture, "Aww, I love baby Ben". It almost brings me to tears, but I love hearing them talk about him. But I was never sure how to explain the situation to a child who wasn't there when it happened. Thanks for all the great advice.


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

Thanks for asking as this is a constant wonder in my head on when and how will I introduce/explain Connor (born silently 03/17/04) to Sean (born 02/25/05). I hope more people respond to this with when & how...


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## LizaBear (Feb 1, 2003)

I hope I'm not out of place posting this here.

I can speak of the "what not to do's" from the view of the child born later.

My mother had a baby girl several years prior to my birth who was born still.

The first I learned of the existance of my sister is when I was about 10 years old, and found a newspaper clipping my mom has saved about the birth/death of "Baby Girl XXX". I asked my mom who that was for. She said it was "her baby" and that was it. Later questions on my part had me told that the baby was NOT my sister. Yes, she had the same parents and all, but because she had died un-named, she was of "no consequence" to me.

I realize that I will NEVER be able to share my mother's grief about this baby, this sister I will never know, but being told that I have no right to have any feelings about / toward her is hurtful.

So - please, allow your children to know thier sibling, and acknowledge thier feelings.

I'm sorry, I"m rambling - I know what I want to say, but am having trouble finding the words to say it.


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## SaneMarguerite (Jun 13, 2005)

so sorry for your loss, lizabear.

something similar happened to me. I was about eight when my paternal grandmother was going through all the cousins' baby pictures and associated memorabilia, and she said "oh, here's your brother, (name), who died." I had no idea! so I was really sad in an eight-year-old-girl way, and I said to my mother when I got home "I'm so sorry about (name), I would have loved a brother," and then mom freaked out at me, and freaked out at my grandmother, and freaked out at my dad, and freaked out at whoever was standing there.

my brother died of what they called "crib death" back then (1964). my mother was never ever the same, I am told. My dad and my mother never talked about it - which could have been one of the factors in their divorce. even until she died a couple years ago it was a strictly taboo subject, unless mom had been drinking and feeling low and then she would go on at length about how the death of her baby was the defining tragedy of her life and if only if only if only...it was altogether so sad.

I agree - openness on all parts would have been preferable.


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## LizaBear (Feb 1, 2003)

I'm going to add - my husband has a younger sister born still when he was 3 years old.

He found out about her when his grandfather died 3 years ago (he was 22 then). So, he had to deal with both the grief of losing his grandfather, but also of losing his sister all at the same time. It was very difficult for him.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

SaneMarguerite and LizaBear~

Thank you both for telling your stories. So sad, I am sorry.
You both do reinforce what I believe, that our children really need to know the FULL story.


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## jordmoder (Nov 20, 2001)

We started talking to our DS#2 about his brother (born still) when he was about 2.5. Our experience may not resonate with some of yours, as we do have spiritual beliefs, however I totally agree with the prior posters that little ones do understand the BIG things in life, and if they are taken seriously and treated with respect their sibling just becomes a part of their life story.

Sometimes DS#2 (now almost 6) speculates on where he would be if DS#1 had lived - they are 1 year + 2 days apart. But the question comes from a very normal curiousity about how we got here, and which I treat as a mystery.

Hold your dear little ones close ...

Barbara


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## polka hop (Dec 23, 2003)

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## witchbaby (Apr 17, 2003)

i'm the sibling of a child who died. my parents had a daughter, katie (my daughter is named for her), who died from leukemia when she was 18 months old. i was born a couple years later.
i've always known about my sister and my parents never lied or hid the truth from me. there are pictures of her in their house and her ashes are contained in a wood box in their living room-- i've always known what it contained. i was never treated as lesser but it was always known that i came second, that i was not a replacement, that we were seperate people.


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## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

I've been thinking about this too. I'm glad you asked the question, as you've gotten some great replies.


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## mommyto3girls (May 3, 2005)

My daughter, Maia is almost 3 and just in the last 3-4 months has she really begun to talk about Sierra (She died 10 months before Maia was born) We also handle it very matter of fact and she has also incorporated it into her play as someone else said. A few nights ago she didn't want her stuffed animals to sleep in bed with her because "they all died" She seems to be talking about death and Sierra alot as she tries to process it all.

Just want to share some random moments:

When asked who is a part of her family she replies "Momma, Daddy, Maia, Sage, Tazzy (our dog) and sissy Sierra, she's dead"

Two weeks ago we went to a rembrance walk for babies who have died, on the way there she asked me if this was where we could go to bring her sister home.

A few weeks ago she was hanging her head over the banister trying to talk to me. I told her it was dangerous and not to do it. This was her response, "Cause I'd get hurt really bad and the doctor couldn't fix me and then I'd be dead. Then the tractor would have to dig a hole so you could put my body in it."

Just last night she was looking at a picture of dh holding Sierra before she died. She said to Billy, "You're holding sissy Sierra, she died, but she's not dead when you were holding her."

I think this is a great age for introducing them to their siblings with pictures and simple stories. We also are not a religious family and I am not really sure what I believe as far as what happens after death. I really want to believe that we will meet our babies again and I do believe that I feel her with me sometimes. MOstly when something out of the ordinary happens, a stray soap bubble that lingers a bit too long, my littlest one staring and smiling at an apparant blank spot on the ceiling, the dragonflies that have become abundant in my life since Sierra died. I try to explain her like that to Maia.


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## shimmer (Mar 17, 2003)

I'm sorry for the loss of Mary. Sounds like you've handled things very well regarding explaining death.

Beth...your post could have been written by me (although yours was so well put!). We too struggle with the "where do you go when you die?" question with our oldest. We aren't religious and had our daughter cremated. I'm in no way ready to explain that one either.

We've just had another baby who is 4.5 months old. We have told him since before he was born about his family, including his sister Livia. I hope that he will grow up knowing that she was as important to our family as everyone else.

I think that sometimes in children they are more readily accepting of death when it is presented to them at such a young age. My daughter was 3.5 when Livia died and she is pretty matter of fact about it. It is a very normal thing to her because it has happened to her.

It is amazing though, the challenges extend beyond grieving for our lost babies. They extend to our parenting of previous and subsequent children as well.


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## pumpkinseed (Aug 6, 2005)

I don't have any real advice for you. I just wanted to share my mom's story that might help-my older sister died before I was born. She was three years older than me, and she only lived for three days. I do not remember a time that I "found out" about her. I just remember her always being a part of my life. So somehow my mom like other posters have also said, had always told me about my sister. Whether it was because we visited the cemetary often, I don't know. To this day, my mom is comforted by talking about her-and I still visit the cemetary with her. I would just say to do what comes natural from the start and your children will always know about Mary.


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

The closest I can come to this is DH's cousin, who lost twins, one in utero a few days before the due date, and the other died shortly after delivery. About 4 years later they had a little girl, who is now about 8.

Their little girl knows about her brother and sister who died, and refers to them by their names (if she refers to them ... I've only heard her mention them once) and has been to the cemetery with her parents.

I don't know at what age she was told, but they were *always* a fact of her life. I believe it's one of those things that when she grows up she'll say she always knew. Also, at what age she understood the meaning of "they died" is possibly a different question, assuming that she was always told about them with the words "they died."

I hope that came out making sense ...


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