# I don't know how to handle my toddler



## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

I'm feeling out of control and confused when it comes to reacting to my 21 month old dd. When I say out of control, I don't necessarily mean anger and rage (even though that can be part of the package,) I just mean that I feel like she's running the show. Sorry, this may be a bit long.

I want to set limits but I don't know how to do it and respect her at the same time. I guess I also need to get the baby stage out of my head when it comes to her crying. I did everything possible to keep her happy and respond to her as a baby, but she older now and every whim cannot be met.

Also, her emotions are so out of control I don't even know how to respond. For example, she wants to put on the pink shirt and as soon as I try to put it on her, it's NO, THE BLUE SHIRT! Then I try to put the blue shirt on and it is NO, THE PINK SHIRT. Or, yesterday I rescued her from falling from the sofa and she made herself fall down anyway, then laid there and sort of "fake" cried/whined. She wouldn't let me offer her comfort, but she got mad if I walked away to do something close by rather than stand there and wait for her indecision to resolve itself. It seems the harder I work to help her, the more she resists.

I don't want her to cry and tantrum, but sometimes she just can't have things her way. If I need her to walk (because we can't spend an hour walking the dog a short distance) she will putter along, but have a fit if put her in the stroller. If I try to take her out of the stroller, and say "we need to walk" she gets angry that I'm undoing her straps to let her out, EVEN THOUGH SHE JUST ASKED TO BE LET OUT! I usually try to let her have her leisurely walks, but sometimes we need to get somewhere!

Is she just overwhelmed with her emotions at this time? How do I guide her gently, but respect both her and myself. I don't want to be a doormat, but I don't want to be too harsh. I know I need to read some books, but any quick advice on striking a balance?


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

If I remember correctly from my first toddler (it's been awhile!) this stuff doesn't last too much longer at least.

But ya, that sounds just like my 22 mo right now right down to the reasons for meltdowns. I really think sometimes they either don't know what they want or can't articulate it well enough and then all hell breaks loose when Mama can't read her mind to provide it RIGHT NOW. Toddlers sure are intense little people.

I just try to distract her with something that's a 'favorite' (go find sister, go see chickens, bath, etc) before she gets started but sometimes it just can't be avoided.







Then the best I can do is just wait it out...keep offering a hug or to nurse until she's done, which can seem like forever but probably isn't.


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## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

Yeah, I know it's bad when she refuses to nurse.

Thanks for the distraction suggestions. I need a short mental list of go to favorites. Bubbles come to mind.


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

Your toddler is normal!

She's just learning to make choices - and that can be overwhelming. Sometimes she truly does not know what color shirt she wants to wear. Would it work to suggest that you pick, if she can't make up her mind?

That new-found independence is exciting, but scary too, and she wants to make sure you are always going to be there for her (by pretending to hurt herself). At the same time, she doesn't feel like a baby any more, and doesn't want to be treated like one. Frustrating, isn't it? If you COULD read her mind, your head would probably explode!

You're right that she can't always have things her way, but I happen to think that it's OK for kids to cry, and even tantrum, at that age. Her emotions ARE intense, and crying is a good way to unload some of that intensity. In our house, a tantrum was usually handled with a separation from activity - screaming at the dinner table, for example, is inappropriate. We said it was OK to be upset, and to cry, but not at the table. Do you want to go to my room or yours? Sit on the bed or the chair? Lights on or off? Door open or closed? Do you want me to stay or come back? Mine might have been a little older when we did this, but I always felt that giving those kinds of choices helped the boys feel a bit in control of something, even though they weren't in control of their emotions. There was no tome limit - they could come out as soon as they felt better. I would check regularly, and stay if that was what was needed. Sometimes they would take a deep breath and follow me right out of the room, which was fine.

Hang in there! This is a phase, and it will pass. Meanwhile, acknowledge her feelings, tell her you love her, and provide a safe, calm place for her to be - no matter how mad she is!


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## sgmom (Mar 5, 2009)

I could be way off base here, but my daughter (19 months) is ALL about doing things for herself, until she asks for help. I find that offering choices do help (because like the PP said, they can't always have their way), but once her choice has been made, it's crucial that I let her follow through on her own, until she asks for help again.

IE (by your examples). Letting her try to unclip the stroller clips herself when she asks to get out, or letting her take the shirt she chose off the hanger and dressing herself.

I'm curious though. Why can't you spend an hour walking the dog? She probably just wants to explore everything she passes. The flowers, the grass, that funny weed growing out of the crack in the sidewalk...

As for your couch scenario, (I'm speculating) she might have wanted you to just be there to spot her as she came down (to build her self confidence that she can do it), but "saving" her could have been what made her mad in the first place. SHE wanted to do it, and you got in the way of that. Do you have carpet? How bad would she have hurt herself REALLY if she fell?

It's ALL about autonomy with my daughter, and if I try to help her without asking "do you want help" (or waiting until she asks me), all hell will break loose.

It sounds to me like your daughter might be a lot like mine in that she doesn't WANT your help, unless she asks for it. Just because she says she wants to wear the pink shirt, doesn't mean that she wants you to put it on her.

I'm not saying that you should cater to her every whim, but do set your limits and boundaries (to keep her safe), but I really wouldn't worry about who's running the show when it comes to things such as the examples you've mentioned. Choose your battles and keep her safe. It really sounds to me like she's looking for more freedom to explore, and that's more important right now than who's in charge.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

Tantrums are how a toddler learns to deal with overwhelming emotions. They are just a part of being around 2 years old for a lot of LOs. We just comforted and supported during tantrums. We also identified the emotion. We never separated our DD from ourselves during a tantrum because that can add to their anxiety and give the impression that expressing emotion is not acceptable. Once our DD was able to say "I'm angry!", at age 3, most of the tantrums were gone.


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## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nd_deadhead* 
Your toddler is normal!

She's just learning to make choices - and that can be overwhelming.

That new-found independence is exciting, but scary too, and she wants to make sure you are always going to be there for her (by pretending to hurt herself).


This makes so much sense... especially the pretending to be hurt thing!

Thanks!


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## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sgmom* 
I could be way off base here, but my daughter (19 months) is ALL about doing things for herself, until she asks for help. I find that offering choices do help (because like the PP said, they can't always have their way), but once her choice has been made, it's crucial that I let her follow through on her own, until she asks for help again.

IE (by your examples). Letting her try to unclip the stroller clips herself when she asks to get out, or letting her take the shirt she chose off the hanger and dressing herself.

I'm curious though. Why can't you spend an hour walking the dog? She probably just wants to explore everything she passes. The flowers, the grass, that funny weed growing out of the crack in the sidewalk...

As for your couch scenario, (I'm speculating) she might have wanted you to just be there to spot her as she came down (to build her self confidence that she can do it), but "saving" her could have been what made her mad in the first place. SHE wanted to do it, and you got in the way of that. Do you have carpet? How bad would she have hurt herself REALLY if she fell?

It's ALL about autonomy with my daughter, and if I try to help her without asking "do you want help" (or waiting until she asks me), all hell will break loose.

It sounds to me like your daughter might be a lot like mine in that she doesn't WANT your help, unless she asks for it. Just because she says she wants to wear the pink shirt, doesn't mean that she wants you to put it on her.

I'm not saying that you should cater to her every whim, but do set your limits and boundaries (to keep her safe), but I really wouldn't worry about who's running the show when it comes to things such as the examples you've mentioned. Choose your battles and keep her safe. It really sounds to me like she's looking for more freedom to explore, and that's more important right now than who's in charge.









Normally we do take however long it takes to walk the dog, but that day I just had to get back to make dinner, it was getting late. I think I set us up for failure.

Today she was saying "away" when she didn't want help and I did back off more and let her do things on her own. The "do it myself" phase has been emerging slowly, but has been much more serious this pst week or so.

I try to give her freedom to explore, do her own thing, even fall rather than holding on to her if necessary, but I guess I do need to let her try even more things herself while waiting in the wings to help, if needed.


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## smeisnotapirate (Aug 24, 2007)

No advice, just lots of commiseration. My 22mo is doing the same thing! It's really frustrating.







mama! Hang in there, and as my mom would say - "Remember the most valuable 4 words in parenting: THIS TOO SHALL PASS."


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## heidirk (Oct 19, 2007)

yup- we're here right now too.







M is 18 mos.

When I get overwhelmed and even angry- I take a momma time out. He may be crying, but I can't help if I'm not calm. And OFTEN, there is nothing YOU can do to make it better.









If I'm on top of him, trying to help, he gets mad. So I often say, 'Momma will be over here if you need me.' And I usually go to prepare a snack.







I find even being a little bit hungry makes toddlers VERY irrational.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chipper26* 
I guess I also need to get the baby stage out of my head when it comes to her crying. I did everything possible to keep her happy and respond to her as a baby, but she older now and every whim cannot be met.

I think this is key. I have seen my DH do what you are describing (with my 14mo DS) -- he doesn't want him to cry at all. So if he reaches to pick him up & he fusses, he immediately withdraws. If he tries to put a shirt on him or a new diaper & he's crying, he stops, waits, etc. If he wants a toy and then flings it across the room, DH will just hand him back the toy over & over. The end result is, DS cries way more with DH than he does with me.

I don't want DS to cry either of course, but I notice that if I help him along (i.e. follow his cues but if he starts getting overly upset, decide for him what we are going to do, which book we will read, follow through with my original intention to put him in the chair, etc.) then he calms down very quickly. OK I'm not sure I'm explaining this properly. So in your examples... blue shirt or pink, let her choose. Then once she makes the choice, put it on her, and that's that. If she changes her mind, say, "Oh we'll wear the pink shirt tomorrow" or whatever (acknowledge it somehow) and then take her outside to play. Or, if she's walking & you need to put her in the stroller, give her a 1-minute cheerful warning ("you can walk for another minute and then we'll go in the stroller, yay!") and then put her in the stroller. If she cries, don't seem indecisive, just cheerfully say 'we're going for a ride in the stroller' and start walking. (Sorry, I know I'm saying "do this" "do that" but it's just for ease of explanation, not trying to command you to do anything







).

I think often they get overwhelmed, they have too many choices & can't decide, etc. and it's easier on them if you step in & take charge when they reach that point. Hope that makes sense, sorry I'm rushing writing this...


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## Just1More (Jun 19, 2008)

Yeup. A toddler. It's very tiring.









Another thought is to help her with what to say/do in the moment. For example, "NO! I do it!" Would get a, "May I do it, please?" from me to gently reword what they are trying to say. Even if they speak well, their vocab is limited, and so they are limited with what they can say. I've found that modelling tone and words (and not the ones I'm using...the ones they SHOULD be using) EVERY time there is a conflict help a ton.

You dd is still pretty little, but I would start enforcing her decision. I find myself just wanting to help them have what they want, and what they are trying to tell me, but sometimes I think the "big bad world of choices" can be overwhelming to them. So, if mine make a choice, we follow through and don't allow wishy-washy stuff. (Usually, there are exceptions.) If she says the pink shirt, then the pink shirt it is. Sorry, we're moving on. If she wants up, then she's up. If she wants down, then she's down.

I try to be reasonable, but helping them enjoy their choice seems to help mine a lot, too.

eta:







that to crunchy mommy. I didn't read all the pp first.


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## Belia (Dec 22, 2007)

I'm so glad you wrote your post as well. DS has always been a very easy-going little guy, but I am definitely seeing more and more of the stereotypical toddler behavior lately. He's definitely becoming an opinionated little person, and tantrums are a part of that!!

One of my issues is that DS doesn't really talk. He chatters all day long, but identifiable sounds that correspond with specific meanings? Not so much. That makes it tougher on us all, I think.

I'm also struggling with the transition from baby to toddler and the crying thing. That I don't have to respond to every tear like I did when he was an infant. That's a tough transition for a sensitive mom to make.

But the hardest thing for me has been balancing setting limits with keeping the peace. I DON'T want him to learn that he can always/usually get his way by throwing a fit, I DO NOT want to be an overindulgent parent whose kid has never heard the word "No," but I don't want a miserable child either. What's the balance?

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread, but wanted you to know that you're not alone.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:

It seems the harder I work to help her, the more she resists.
I think here is your answer. At least for this week!







Next week it'll all be different.

Crying is part of the scene. It's normal. Conversely I think when you find the right balance of calmly acknowledging it and ignoring it, the crying may diminish some what.

In the shirt example, what would happen if you didn't give her a choice? Since it seems that she objects even when she gets to choose, maybe you could just pick a shirt for her to wear, help her put it on and see what happens. Maybe she doesn't actually care at that moment what shirt she wears. I know my kids didn't always care so I just grabbed the outfit I wanted them to wear and helped them put it on.

Play it by ear. Observe her. I dunno, maybe it's a lousy idea, but I'm curious to know what would happen if you limit the choices.


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## sgmom (Mar 5, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chipper26* 
I try to give her freedom to explore, do her own thing, even fall rather than holding on to her if necessary, but I guess I do need to let her try even more things herself while waiting in the wings to help, if needed.









Oh boy, did we ever have a day like this today. She wants to do something herself, gets mad/frustrated because she can't get it done, then gets mad again when I try to help.

Waiting in the wings is definitely something that I have to keep a conscious effort to do on some days


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## MamaRuga (Apr 23, 2008)

This sounds so much like my daughter too. With choices I find that I have to get in there quick to give her a new choice to focus on before she fixates on the one that has her attention.

For instance, with getting dressed (which could be a big meltdown point), I give her the choice, "do you want to put on your shirt (with my help, of course) or do you want mommy to put it on?" Suddenly the choice is between two options that both result in the end result that I need. She chooses, feels like she is in charge, happily puts her clothes on and we are all happy.

Getting in her car seat is another one of those conflict places. So the choice is do you want to get in yourself or do you want me to put you in? It has worked really well for us. She gets to feel like she is making the choice herself and I get my needs met with her doing whatever it is I need her to do more quickly without so much conflict.

There are still time that this just doesn't work. And I really know what you mean about feeling like you are a doormat. I can feel SO bossed around at times! But this is just one approach that has helped us make it a little less difficult... along with the really quick distractions to get her attention off of whatever the conflict is about it become.

Toddlers are not always so easy to live with! Someone told me that it is a little preview of what they will be like in the teenage years... oh, boy!


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## RasJi7 (Sep 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaRuga* 
This sounds so much like my daughter too. With choices I find that I have to get in there quick to give her a new choice to focus on before she fixates on the one that has her attention.

For instance, with getting dressed (which could be a big meltdown point), I give her the choice, "do you want to put on your shirt (with my help, of course) or do you want mommy to put it on?" Suddenly the choice is between two options that both result in the end result that I need. She chooses, feels like she is in charge, happily puts her clothes on and we are all happy.

Getting in her car seat is another one of those conflict places. So the choice is do you want to get in yourself or do you want me to put you in? It has worked really well for us. She gets to feel like she is making the choice herself and I get my needs met with her doing whatever it is I need her to do more quickly without so much conflict.

There are still time that this just doesn't work. And I really know what you mean about feeling like you are a doormat. I can feel SO bossed around at times! But this is just one approach that has helped us make it a little less difficult... along with the really quick distractions to get her attention off of whatever the conflict is about it become.

Toddlers are not always so easy to live with! Someone told me that it is a little preview of what they will be like in the teenage years... oh, boy!

I do A LOT of 'do you want to do________ or do you want Momma to do it?" If that's not getting things done I say I am going to count to 3,5,10, sometimes I just pick a number, but I tell him the number (working on counting too) if you don't do it by the count of X Momma's gonna do it for you. Now most times all I have to say is 1 and he either says, Momma do it or Jahmari do it! I definitely feel like I have a mini teenager in the house. MOOD SWINGS! But when they are teenagers I think instead of constant attention they are going to want us to 'leave me alone'. So let's try to enjoy this. lol Taking my own advice


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