# SIL *always* asking for hugs



## calinda (Oct 7, 2008)

My SIL is older & subscribes to the old-fashioned belief that kids should do as adults say. We've laid out the rules through the years (our kids are 3 & 5), so she 'knows how we roll' now, so to speak.







But she continues to ask for hugs, ask our kids to hug their grandmother, ask them to hug SIL, etc. We have sat down & explained that we don't require them to do that with *anyone* and that they should initiate it, but she continues to do it. They (SILs, MIL) live far away so we only see them 3-4x/year. However, I'm sure she remembers this. We've suggested high-fives as an alternative, and that works some of the time, but it seems like she's just not satisfied unless she's been shown some affection over the course of a visit.

It's probably time for another sit-down with her; anyone have any suggestions about what has worked in this situation with family members?


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

I'd be inclined to tell her that unless she's willing to accept that your children don't always want to give hugs, you'll have to set a no hugs period rule.

I don't have a problem with asking, but if a child clearly doesn't want to give a hug and SIL is insistent they do, you need to clearly state that she's violating their right to control over their own body and giving them the message that they can't say no to physical contact with someone just because they don't feel like it/are uncomfortable with it and that is not a lesson you want them to learn.


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## Vancouver Mommy (Aug 15, 2007)

I had to explain to a friend that we give our kids total sovereignty over their own bodies when it comes to showing affection. My goal is to give them the confidence to say no if an adult should ever try to touch them in an inappropriate way. She had never thought of this before and once it was explained, she understood and stopped demanding hugs from uncomfortable toddlers.


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## bremen (Feb 12, 2005)

is there something wrong with asking?
or is it that she doesn't repsect their answers?

i only see my cousins 3-4 times a year, and i ask the little one for a hug. most of the time, he runs into my arms, but sometimes he doesn't feel like it, so i blow him a kiss instead.
why is asking not desired? i always think of it as respectful to the child, letting them choose whether they want to or not.


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## Kira's mom (Nov 30, 2004)

I never would force dd to hug someone. I also wouldn't try to force my family to not ask. With dd they get sooo much more when they let her come to them. They've all realized this about who she is and respect that. If you SIL is trying to 'make' them kiss grandma it must be awkward for everyone! You. dc's AND grandma. I think if you explained that kids will be kids and when they want to show affection they will without being asked- she might get it. then again, she might not!! We can only change ourselves and our attitudes. This has helped me knowing that we can't change others! Best, Hali


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## calinda (Oct 7, 2008)

Thanks for the replies so far!

bremen, I don't have a problem with her asking for hugs. That's respectful & totally appreciated. It's just constant, and sometimes my kids - my son, in particular - get tired of giving them out. My daughter is naturally more affectionate, and it's not an issue with her. SIL just seems fixated on making sure my kids hug ALL family who comes to visit & it's annoying. I do understand that she misses them & loves to hug them, but I tend to think it's a control issue as well.

Thanks again for the suggestions, I hadn't tried explaining it from the angle re: inappropriate touching so I think she'd understand that a little better.


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## MOMYS (Nov 5, 2008)

I would probably not say anything since you only see her 3-4 times a year.... AS LONG AS she respects it when the kids say no! If not, it is a totally different story!


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## jrabbit (May 10, 2008)

my parents throw a big hissy fit if my kids don't want to hug & kiss when it's time to go home. Seriously, it's ridiculous how awful my parents behave about it. They live in Wisconsin, we visit 2x a year, they come here maybe 1x a year, so my kids barely know them. Some visits, they are more affectionate, others NOT. We do NOT force the hugging/kissing, and although it is a tad embarrassing when the kids shrivel from Papa, I'm not going to "make" them kiss him. I think it sets a bad precedent to imply that children "must" do whatever an adult tells them, even if it "is" Papa (how many stories have you heard of incest? not that I think my dad is capable of that, but still ...)

The worst part for me, is that my parents blame *me* for what they perceive as an indicator that our kids don't like them. So, not only do we have a long drawn out situation that is uncomfortable and awkward, my mom adds insult by whispering in my ear how awful and mean it is that my child won't kiss Papa.

Ugh. Just typing that makes me irritable! Some families are way more touchy-feely than others, and our little 4-family just isn't so touchy with "outsiders". Anyone who is considerate of a child's feelings would "ask" for a hug, in my opinion, but they must understand and accept that if the child says "no" then that's the end of discussion.

--janis (now that we're expecting a 3rd baby, I guess we're going to have to go through that whole phase all over again - just when both DD's are willing to hug Papa!)


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

For someone we don't see that often, less than once a month, I usually just run interference by saying, "looks like DD doesn't feel like hugging right now, but I do" and give the person a hug. They are usually amused/ surprised/ uncertain enough they don't persist. Cause if they do, they're just going to get another hug from me, poor things.


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

I might be the only one here, but teaching DD to hug/kiss our friends and family is expected, as it's an integral part of DH's culture. Even though I didn't grow up with it, it's extemely important in his home country and so we (DH and I) always try encouraging her to greet/say goodbye to people this way so that she's comfortable. When in Rome...


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:

The worst part for me, is that my parents blame *me* for what they perceive as an indicator that our kids don't like them. So, not only do we have a long drawn out situation that is uncomfortable and awkward, my mom adds insult by whispering in my ear how awful and mean it is that my child won't kiss Papa.
I have this situation with my ILs.


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## Softmama (Jun 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BellinghamCrunchie* 
For someone we don't see that often, less than once a month, I usually just run interference by saying, "looks like DD doesn't feel like hugging right now, but I do" and give the person a hug. They are usually amused/ surprised/ uncertain enough they don't persist. Cause if they do, they're just going to get another hug from me, poor things.

That's a fabulous response, I'm going to try that myself


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## Bluegoat (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShwarmaQueen* 
I might be the only one here, but teaching DD to hug/kiss our friends and family is expected, as it's an integral part of DH's culture. Even though I didn't grow up with it, it's extemely important in his home country and so we (DH and I) always try encouraging her to greet/say goodbye to people this way so that she's comfortable. When in Rome...

This is very interesting, I was just thinking along these lines as I read these posts...

I wonder if the problem is that the hugs are seen simply by the older generation as an appropriate conventional greeting between family members? Like kissing in France or Quebec - which you do when you meet perfect strangers. So to refuse seems like a rude soical rejection, as if the person refused to shake hands.

One solution might be to make sure children do have an appropriate way to greet and say goodbye to people, such as teaching them to shake hands, or give one of those "social" kisses and hugs. I had a very old etiquette book as a child that said girls should extend their hand to shake and give a little curtsy, for example. No doubt too formal now, but the great thing with etiquette of that kind is it gives a person something appropriate to do in a situation where he or she feels awkward. And the other person feels she has been given the concideration of good manners.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

I do not and would not ever force my kids to hug or kiss anyone they didn't want to. We are determined to teach our kids about personal boundaries and if they aren't comfortable with a particular situation then they have the right to say "NO". Yes, sometimes this steps on the toes of some of the older people in our family, however, our child's personal rights supercedes their hurt feelings every time.

Hope this doesn't come across as harsh but this has been a huge issue in DH's family. Peace to all.


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## puddle (Aug 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BellinghamCrunchie* 
For someone we don't see that often, less than once a month, I usually just run interference by saying, "looks like DD doesn't feel like hugging right now, but I do" and give the person a hug. They are usually amused/ surprised/ uncertain enough they don't persist. Cause if they do, they're just going to get another hug from me, poor things.











Love this!!


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## OGirlieMama (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BellinghamCrunchie* 
For someone we don't see that often, less than once a month, I usually just run interference by saying, "looks like DD doesn't feel like hugging right now, but I do" and give the person a hug. They are usually amused/ surprised/ uncertain enough they don't persist. Cause if they do, they're just going to get another hug from me, poor things.

OMG, I love this! I feel lucky that we don't have this problem in our life - everyone we see regularly gets it that sometimes the kids are huggy, sometimes not so much. They can ask, but if they get a no, they aren't insulted.


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## bscal (Feb 13, 2006)

I had to explain this to my parents and sister when my oldest DD was little - like 2 yrs or so. Once I sat them down and told them that they need to respect her wishes and comfort level and specifically brought up that she needs to learn that she can say NO to physical contact because it's HER body... and further explained that I did not want her to have a victim attitude when it comes to inappropriate touching. Everyone was very respectful after that about it... except for my grandmother who of course I had a similar conversation with but she has selective memory. She drives me batty though telling me all the time what my kids should or should not be doing. I have to run interference with her often. She'll ask for a hug and then attempt to guilt trip them about it or reprimand them for their lack of manners. To which I always say "It's OK if you don't want to give Mimi a hug but don't forget your manners." And then DD will say "Oh... no thank you Mimi. I don't feel like hugging right now." Mimi still isn't too happy about it but I feel like I've taught my children to still be polite when telling someone no.

Beth


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## calinda (Oct 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BellinghamCrunchie* 
For someone we don't see that often, less than once a month, I usually just run interference by saying, "looks like DD doesn't feel like hugging right now, but I do" and give the person a hug. They are usually amused/ surprised/ uncertain enough they don't persist. Cause if they do, they're just going to get another hug from me, poor things.

LOVE it! I will definitely have to try that.

And while I totally understand that hugging/kissing is an integral part of some cultures, it just doesn't jive with how our we do things in our family, you know? We are all very affectionate with our immediate family (the 4 of us), but maybe because we live far away from extended family, our kids aren't used to showing affection to other adults on a regular basis.

I also liked the polite refusal method, we'll have to do some role-playing before we see them again to get ready!


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

My mother in law does this and it makes me want to scream. She will ask for a hug (which is fine) but will keep asking and asking and asking until DD gives her one. When DD won't give her one MIL has said things like "well I'm not going to take you to see seseme street live" or some other remark that indicates that she is going to "Punish " DD for not hugging her. DD IS 2!!!!!!!!! I put a stop to it and tried to explain that DD IS 2!!!!!!!!! but she just doesn't get it. No wonder her three adult children have issues with her till this day.


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## KBinSATX (Jan 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BellinghamCrunchie* 
For someone we don't see that often, less than once a month, I usually just run interference by saying, "looks like DD doesn't feel like hugging right now, but I do" and give the person a hug. They are usually amused/ surprised/ uncertain enough they don't persist. Cause if they do, they're just going to get another hug from me, poor things.

I like it!


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## KBinSATX (Jan 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeliphish* 
My mother in law does this and it makes me want to scream. She will ask for a hug (which is fine) but will keep asking and asking and asking until DD gives her one. When DD won't give her one MIL has said things like "well I'm not going to take you to see seseme street live" or some other remark that indicates that she is going to "Punish " DD for not hugging her. DD IS 2!!!!!!!!! I put a stop to it and tried to explain that DD IS 2!!!!!!!!! but she just doesn't get it. No wonder her three adult children have issues with her till this day.
















hat a meanie! I wouldn't want to hug her either...


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeliphish* 
My mother in law does this and it makes me want to scream. She will ask for a hug (which is fine) but will keep asking and asking and asking until DD gives her one. When DD won't give her one MIL has said things like "well I'm not going to take you to see seseme street live" or some other remark that indicates that she is going to "Punish " DD for not hugging her. DD IS 2!!!!!!!!! I put a stop to it and tried to explain that DD IS 2!!!!!!!!! but she just doesn't get it. No wonder her three adult children have issues with her till this day.

Person like that, I'd be tempted to teach my kid to flip them the bird. Wouldn't do it, of course.

As for Calinda's situation, am I reading it right that your SIL asks for your dd to hug other people? Have you tried saying "MIL is an adult and can ask for her own hugs if she wants them"? Spending an entire visit saying "hug person x" "give a hug to person y" sounds like something a 3-4 year old would do "now, you be the princess and I'll be a pony you find in the woods..."


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bremen* 
is there something wrong with asking?
or is it that she doesn't repsect their answers?


yeah, i was going to ask the same thing. i think it's fine to ask kids for a hug, just as you would an adult (can i have a hug? or would you like a hug? i do this with DH, for example), but just as with an adult, you need to respect their answer.

i ask DD if she would like to hug her grandma, daycare teachers, etc., and she either does it, says no, or looks hesitant. if it's either of the latter two, i just do a, "okay, maybe some other time" or something.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I don't explain anything. If it comes up in another context, I do say something about how it's important that she knows she can say no when it comes to her body and blah blah blah, but in the moment if someone asks for a hug and my daughter hesitates, I just step in and say, "It's ok, DD, Auntie Whoever won't mind if you just wave" and then off we go to do something else. Auntie Whoever can stew about it to someone else, I don't care.


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## Enudely (Jul 2, 2005)

my sister and SIL both will say to dd "I'm going to pick you up now!" and then scoop her up. While she tries to enjoy it, I can tell that she often was not ready/willing to be picked up at that time. I think I need to tell them to stop, or perhaps give dd the words "DD, if you don't want to by picked up, you know you can tell that to auntie_____". That will probably get the point across, no?


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

We live in france and therefore in a VERY kissy kissy environment - I'm scottish and therefore not particularly accustomed to that - although I am the most demonstrative in my family, dh is algerian and they kiss perfect strangers every day - just too much IMO, his family insist on kissing, hugging etc but I taught my ds to hold his hand out to 'shake hands' most folk laugh and say that he wants to be a big boy, however I still say to the kids if they want to kiss or hug then the can but if they want to say no then that's acceptable too, an older teenager was cross that my ds (at 3.5) didn't want to kiss her, she couldn't understand until I explained that she was a complete stranger to him and he has the right to say no - if he wants to.


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## dex_millie (Oct 19, 2006)

I don't see anything wrong with asking for a hug. But making sure they gave everyone a hug. I would be confused in that situation too, luckly you only have to deal with it 3/4 times a year. I know how it is to be giving hugs like that, even as an adult I don't want to sometimes, but I just do it out of respect depending on who I am around.

My family and DH family also ask for hugs (and kisses, more MIL, well she just goes up in his face and does it). But anyways, DS(2) has his own mind and he would say 'no' shake his head and move away. I leave him and don't force him. He gaves to who he feels like. He would hi-5 or gave a 'bounce' to any one of them do, so some have to settle with that. MIL also just goes to pick him up for hug and he always tries to get out of it, so I just go and take him away.

It is also a cultural thing for both of us to hug (I wasn't brought up as much into it as DH), but to be if DS sees us doing it, it would become the norm for him. Sometimes if I hug someone then he does it, so I am not into forcing him to do anything and I don't believe anyone should do to much force (I was also raised old-fasion, that we should always obey adults and what they ask for, don't plan on doing it that strick w/ DS, he needs to know he can refuse to do certain stuff).


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## Twinklefae (Dec 13, 2006)

My easy out for this right now (both my extended family and DH's are very huggy) is to hold DS while the person hugs me. That way they hugged both of us. I don't know if that would work for you, depends on how old your DS is.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

I don't get this either. At family functions, you bet this aunt gets hugs from all nieces and nephews. I give hugs because I just adore all these kiddos. My hugging them shows them the love I have for them.

With my own kids, when we are leaving, they hug all their aunts and uncles and grandparents. It's just how we do it. Even my standoffish 19 year old baby brother gives people hugs and tells them he loves them.

I don't see what the big deal is.


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## bu's mama (Mar 25, 2004)

This is definitely a pet peeve of mine. It's her body & like a pps mentioned, it's up to her to set the boundaries. It doesn't have to be rude, but if you don't want to be touched, you shouldn't have to be.

There's a big difference between giving hugs & kisses freely, but forcing kids too even makes me uncomfortable.

I hate this time of year too with Santa. Last year the ex & his mother forced dd to sit on Santa's lap. I still haven't gotten the whole story (When she & I went she shook his hand & took a picture standing next to him). I think it finally got through that you're forcing her to sit on some strange man's lap even though it makes her extremely uncomfortable - totally disrepectful and teaching her that her feelings aren't important.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShwarmaQueen* 
I might be the only one here, but teaching DD to hug/kiss our friends and family is expected, as it's an integral part of DH's culture. Even though I didn't grow up with it, it's extemely important in his home country and so we (DH and I) always try encouraging her to greet/say goodbye to people this way so that she's comfortable. When in Rome...

Very true of Latin American culture as well, this is the way we meet and greet people. However, I don't push DD to hug those she's not comfortable with and if she seems a little uncomfortable - I encourage her to wave or maybe even blow a kiss.


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## Aquafina (Oct 2, 2006)

If they dont want to give hugs they shouldn't....I was one that was always uncomfortable with that kind of thing UNLESS it was my grandma and gramps,the freely get hugs from me







:.But I had to comment as I even to this day get werided out by giving hugs it awkward and uncomfortable,unless I am sad and in need of a good meaningful hug.Now online hugs I love giving toughs


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

I never did understand forcing hugs as a ways of 'showing affection'. It's not a show of affection if you _have_ to do it. It's a chore, and we all know how most kids feel about chores...


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## brooks97 (Apr 24, 2008)

I ask my kids to give their grandparents and aunts and uncles hugs. But they're my kids and I want to instill that in them. I don't think it is my right to ask my nephews to do the same, tho.

I'd explain to them all that maybe the kids are not comfortable enough at this time to give hugs to people. I think everyone has a right to ask for a hug from nephews/nieces/grandchildren, but it's not right to keep forcing them to.


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
I never did understand forcing hugs as a ways of 'showing affection'. It's not a show of affection if you _have_ to do it. It's a chore, and we all know how most kids feel about chores...

But not everything we do in the world is for our own happiness. My thing is, at what point do you not encourage your child to do something s/he doesn't want to do, even if you know it would make someone else happy? What are you teaching your child about giving joy to others? About doing something small that brings a relative they might not see very often a warm, loving departure. I realize there are differing opinions about boundaries, mainly cultural in nature. Bodily contact is just something that cannot be replaced with a wave, IMO.


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## mrsfatty (Dec 21, 2004)

I may be missing something...but what's wrong with an aunt ASKING for a hug? I mean, if they don't want to, that's fine...but, asking for it can't hurt...

Is she not respecting if they don't want to? Do they ever want to hug her?

If you're there when she asks for a hug, and they don't want to, just politely say, "I guess they aren't in a hugging mood right now--(asking the kids) do you guys want to give a high five (or knuckles, or wave, or blow a kiss) good bye to auntie instead?"

Stand up for your kids, but allow them to decide for themselves (don't decide for them that they don't want to, but don't make them either)...do your kids know it's ok to hug their relatives if they want to?


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## Margarita26 (Apr 13, 2005)

when i have more time im going to read through all the replies because i have just had a similar issue--

my sister was visiting and she tried to hug my 3 year old who was sitting on the couch quietly watching tv, obviously a little tired. she tried to pick him up in like a big playful bear hug and he shouted no and pushed her away. she then said "You're a WHINER!"

i was livid...and it really sucks because we were always forced to "give" affection to various relatives and i know we both hated this. how soon we all forget eh? of course i reminded her of this, not that it helped any.


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## calinda (Oct 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calinda* 
Thanks for the replies so far!

I don't have a problem with her asking for hugs. That's respectful & totally appreciated. It's just constant, and sometimes my kids - my son, in particular - get tired of giving them out. My daughter is naturally more affectionate, and it's not an issue with her. SIL just seems fixated on making sure my kids hug ALL family who comes to visit & it's annoying. I do understand that she misses them & loves to hug them, but I tend to think it's a control issue as well.

Since there were some questions, I'm bringing this over from the first page. Asking is NO problem, but asking 15x/day and asking for MIL, BIL, other SILs is not.

Wow, I'm surprised how many other parents have this same issue! I think that many people just don't think about kids having opinions and likes/dislikes; it's not that they're malicious, they just feel like their wants are more important than the child's. We were always made to hug our relatives as children and I HATED it. I'm still not a huge hugger, and am only really comfortable hugging my husband & kids. I can't imagine anyone automatically assuming that their child is ok with hugging people - especially those they don't see often - even if they've been taught to do so since birth. High-fiving, waving & even smiling are all perfectly acceptable forms of showing affection.

Thanks again for the input. I'm taking notes!


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