# Living son's birthday coming up, I can't handle a party



## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

So my Matthew was born (and died) almost 2 weeks ago on May 29th. My living son, Benjamin, is turning 12 next Friday on June 15th. We always hvae small family parties but I cannot celebrate anything just yet. I'm still not physically recovered from the csection and emotionally, I am mostly in a fog with near constant crying at times.

So which is worse:
Put off the party for a week or two so we can hvae a more celebratory mood
or
Have the party right on his birthday but risk him feeling that his party was "ruined" by the baby and a mom who can't function yet?

I'm trying so hard to let the kids have their normal life back but I can only do so much.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

((hugs)) mama.
Our situation was similar.. My baby died on April 10th, and 12 days later was my ODDs birthday. We skipped having a "kids" party w/her friends this year, but had a family get-together the day after her birthday. I couldn't bring myself to have her birthday celebration on her actual birthday. It was a Wednesday and Freja's birthday was on a Wednesday. I was mourning the fact that my baby should've been four weeks old on that day and couldn't stand the idea of celebrating anything. You need to do what works for you and your family. Maybe just something small on his actual birthday? I know how hard it is to have to decide what to do in this situation. I feel horrible, but I was not very "into" DDs b-day this year, I feel guilty for that too (although she seemed fine with what we did)


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm 7 weeks out from the loss of my son, and honestly I'm still not in the mood for celebrating. DH's birthday is in July, and I don't know if I'll even feel ready then. I do feel a little better than I did at just 2 weeks after his passing, but it's hard to say for each person when they'll feel up to having a party.

If you have the party (whether now or later), would it be possible to have someone else do all the preparations for you? So that you can just 'be there'? It's so hard, I'm sorry you have to think about this at a time when we all just want to crawl into a hole and cry for a little while.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss of sweet baby Matthew.








Maybe talk to your son about the party? Being 12, he'd probably understand.. and who knows, maybe he doesn't feel much for partying yet either.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Can you do something completely different to celebrate, that would take the pressure off you? Maybe your dh or grandparents or friend could take your son and a friend to a fun park, or a movie, or to the beach, or water park, or whatever fun treat he enjoys that he doesn't get to do often.

You still are going thru all the same post-partum recovery, in addition to your grief and loss. Chances are that if Matthew was alive & with you, you still wouldn't feel up to a party physically. Give yourself permission to rest and to let others take on the task of birthday celebrations this year.

Life will never be 'normal' for you or your kids in the same way ever again. It is okay for your kids to see your sadness & despair. I remember feeling utterly helpless to be there for my kids in any meaningful way for a long time after Max died. My husband and parents stepped in and parented for me because I just absolutely couldn't.








Be gentle with yourself. Take care.

Edited to add: And when I say "can you do..." I really mean "Get someone else to read this & plan accordingly". The idea that I could have planned anything beyond waking up & maybe getting dressed at 2 weeks post loss was about more then I could handle. It is okay not to plan anything, but to let someone else take it over for you this year.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I talked to both of my kids before their birthdays this year. We decided to pick one really fun activity to take 1 friend to instead of a big party. My daughter chose dinner, movie, and a sleepover, and my son chose swimming,pizza, and a sleepover. It was fun for them and seemed so much more managable for me. Sorry for your loss


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss. As others have said your son's life won't be "normal" again. You guys will find a new normal through all of this.

We took our 4 yo to a grief counselor after his brother died last August. She gave us some great advice and said that kids learn how to grieve by watching their parents. I would talk to your son about it and see what he'd like to do. Let him know that you aren't healed physically yet and your grief is still very raw. Give him some options that you can do.

We're really honest with our son about his brother's death. It's really funny - my MIL and SIL are kind of freaked out that he talks about it, misses his brother, etc. We haven't really had a chance to explain much to them about his grief but he understands so much more than I think most would give a 4yo credit for. Kids are so perceptive - your son would probably be very open to your feelings and honesty.

For our son's birthday this year we took a little vacation. It was hard because we went to the same place we went to last summer before our second son was born. But, we created new memories and made it through.

Hugs to you all. This is such a tough road to travel.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

thanks so much.

you know, it never really occurred to me that we could be honest with him about this. they held and touched, kissed matthew after he was born, visited the mortuary, went to the funeral today. they've been included in everything so i guess it's ok to continue that honesty. don't know why i didn't think of that.

i will or have dh talk to him tonight about our options.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Best wishes. I'm sure he needs an outlet to talk about his feelings, too. I never thought I'd have to talk to my son about death quite so soon but I've found that if we're just honest about what we're feeling at the time he is very open about his feelings.

Our counselor also told us that at each developmental stage he will reprocess his loss. It seems to be holding true. He will go a month or two and not say a peep about it and then out of the blue just start crying and need to be held. He also still talks about all the things he planned to do with his brother.

My grandparent's first child died shortly after his birth. They went on to have my aunt and my mom. Though my mom wasn't alive when her brother died she still lived with that her whole life. She gets choked up when she thinks about how her life would have been different if he had lived. My son finds great comfort getting to talk to her about how she misses her brother, too. He likes knowing he's not the only one who's suffered such a loss. His friends at school have no idea and don't know what to say to him when he tells them. How can they - their so young and don't really comprehend what death is anyway.

Hugs to you all - I'm so, so sorry for your loss.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

cheshire, that makes so much sense, about reprocessing at each developmental stage they reach. i just signed my youngest (5) up for a children's art bereavement group so i'm sure i will be gaining some insight into this regarding how children process. i wish my older boys would be willing to go too but they're not.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I understand...we had our still birth on April 22nd, and my 8 year old's birthday was the 10th of May, our 13 year old's birthday was the 15th of May. I was so weak (unknowingly still had a dead twin inside of me) and sad. I made the cakes like I always did before. My 8 year old wished for the baby we knew we had lost and a ninja sword...it was his chance to wish for what he wanted most. My 13 year old wished for me to find a way to smile again with his candles. Later...I cried because I forgot to get them balloons for their parties...something I always have done in the past. My 13 year old laughed when he found out I had been so sad about it. "Mom...you do balloons every year because YOU like balloons, always wanted them, and never had them. You do so much to show us the love you never got...we GET it mom...you love us. you love us with all of your being. We know it and would never think otherwise just because there were no balloons. It's o.k...we get it cause WE are sad to lose our brother too."

Frankly...I think our kids understand more than we give them credit for. Your son can understand....and you can find a way to show your love for him though you feel so lost right now. HUG!!! It will get better. It will.







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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

thinking of you


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