# I am home without my sweet baby



## TappinMamma (Dec 24, 2002)

I just wanted to update you and let you know I was home now. Elijah Will was born yesterday at 5:35 pm. 2.5 oz and 6.5" long. Labor was longer and harder than I had in any of my other children unfortunately. My placenta was stuck and they spent almost 2.5 hours getting it out. I felt totally violated.

This morning I just did not want to leave the hospital. I mean I wanted to go home, but I was supposed to be going home with my baby. I did NOT want to leave without my baby. I already feel like I didn't spend as much time with him as I should. I think I could have held him for hours looking at him, even though he was so tiny.

I feel like this was all my fault. When my husband left me a couple of weeks after I told him I was pregnant, I got frantic not knowing how I could take care of 3 kids myself. I begged God to take this baby, even though I had just had a miscarriage. I asked God to take my baby, and he did. I feel like I got what I deserved. And I *so* desparately wanted this baby, but sometimes people say and pray for things they don't mean.

All I know is that baby should be at home right now with me. My sweet Elijah should be snuggled with me in my bed. I haven't stopped crying all day. I know it must get easier, but right now I just wish the world would stop.

I wanted to thank you all for your well wishes.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

you have been through so much. I hope you find peace and healing.

Sandra


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

This is so not your fault. G*d does not work this way.

I am so sorry your heart is broken, mine aches for you reading your post.

Go easy on yourself, get lots of rest and drink lots of fluids.







Lisa


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Oh my goodness... I am so sorry for your loss.


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## weetzie (May 29, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss

Please be kind to yourself


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## armonia (Mar 24, 2002)

I am so very sorry. That is incredibly sad.

You must be exhausted, mama. Take care of yourself.

Love to you.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TappinMamma*
I just wanted to update you and let you know I was home now. Elijah Will was born yesterday at 5:35 pm. 2.5 oz and 6.5" long. Labor was longer and harder than I had in any of my other children unfortunately. My placenta was stuck and they spent almost 2.5 hours getting it out. I felt totally violated.

Sarah, I love the name Elijah! I'm sorry your labor was longer and harder than you expected. That's the last thing you needed to deal with.

Quote:

This morning I just did not want to leave the hospital. I mean I wanted to go home, but I was supposed to be going home with my baby. I did NOT want to leave without my baby. I already feel like I didn't spend as much time with him as I should. I think I could have held him for hours looking at him, even though he was so tiny.
Leaving the hospital without your baby and not being pregnant anymore was *horrendous* for me. I am so sorry. Of course you could have held Elijah for hours- he is your beautiful precious son.

Quote:

I feel like this was all my fault. When my husband left me a couple of weeks after I told him I was pregnant, I got frantic not knowing how I could take care of 3 kids myself. I begged God to take this baby, even though I had just had a miscarriage. I asked God to take my baby, and he did. I feel like I got what I deserved. And I *so* desparately wanted this baby, but sometimes people say and pray for things they don't mean.
You know what hon- G-d did not take your baby because you asked for it. There are many women who beg to not be pregnant and who even do things to themselves to try and not be pregnant and they still go on to have their babies. It just doesn't work like that. The G-d and the Universe that I believe in doesn't exact vengeance and revenge. This is the saddest part of the life cycle. I believe that Elijah and G-d knew that your prayers came out of fear and that they both knew and know how much you love Elijah. Your spirit was and is connected to Elijah's.

Quote:

All I know is that baby should be at home right now with me. My sweet Elijah should be snuggled with me in my bed. I haven't stopped crying all day. I know it must get easier, but right now I just wish the world would stop.
Elijah should be snuggled with you in your bed right now. I'm so sorry that he isn't there. Please know that it will get easier, in time, even if you can't imagine it right now. The world did stop for me and all of the mamas who read your story on this board. I've been thinking about you constantly and my heart aches for you and your son and the rest of your family.

Quote:

I wanted to thank you all for your well wishes.
Please reach out to us whenever you need to.


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

I can't offer you anything but my hopes that you find healing and peace in this and are able to forgive yourself for something that was not your fault.










Kelly


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Thank you ST for all the lovely words you shared.

TappinMamma...









As I read your story I began to visualize how Gracie was born, how she was life flighted to the nearest NICU, how I ended up in ICU, How I held onto her for the last time - sobbing and struggling to NOT feel insane, how I left WITHOUT her...how desperately I didn't want to be in that frickin' hospital but yet was so afraid to leave to have to face "life" and my other two children at home.
How do we make in another day? I still don't know how I have made it 4 months since my daughter died. BUT I HAVE...*just like you will*. How have I taken care of my other children? Not sure...but *you will too*...

*You are loved...you are wanted and needed here*...please come back soon and share all that you are willing to with us.
























I,too, love the name Elijah...sweet Elijah...I will light a candle for him tonight. Elijah is loved...he always will be. He knows and so does God that he is loved...by his mama and all of us.


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## weebitty2 (Jun 16, 2004)

Sarah ... *HUGS*

I know we haven't talked much, but I'm here, if you need me. PM me, or if you want to call, please, feel free - ANY time. We're the first Proulx in the new phone book.. And if you need help with anything, or just feel a need for company, or some time alone and someone to play with your little ones .. CALL. I'm always here.


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## srain (Nov 26, 2001)

I know a little bit of how you feel- I wished for a miscarriage in early pregnancy with my second because I was so miserably sick, and when he was stillborn at 32 weeks I wanted to scream "I didn't mean NOW!" For me, even knowing that my thoughts had nothing to do with it wasn't very helpful in reducing my guilt.


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## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

I"m so sorry Sarah. I wish I could tell you and myself that everything will be alright but i know now that the pain doesn't really go away. Like the women here told me, it goes in waves with good days and bad days. I can't imagine being in labor that long. i can relate to the feeling violated part though. I swear my Dr. had her intire hand up there. I got mad b/c I felt like she was hurting the baby even though i knew he was already gone. Since I lost my Carter, everyone tells me that God has his reasons for taking babies. Well If that is true, I really don't think that your empty prayers were the reason. I remember leaving the hospital myself. I had cried all nite long and by the morning I thought I had no tears left in me. But I was wrong, when they but me in that wheelchair and started toward the elevator I just lost it.
If I could make the world stop for us I would. Much love to you and we are all here if you need us.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I hope you find some peace soon mama. Nothing you wished could have brought this on.
I'm planning on going tomorrow to my memorial site for my babies, I will light a candle for your little Elijah.
There are many of us here who will think of you and your baby often, for some reason that brought me great comfort and allowed me to feel a little less alone.


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## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

TappinMama ~ I am genuinely sorry for your loss










Please look after yourself - I know it sounds trivial right now, Im sorry...

You are in my thoughts


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## DalaiMama (Oct 12, 2002)

Sarah,
I ahve been thinking about you. I don't really know what to say, except that I am so sorry. You and Elijah will be in my prayers.


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## babycarrier (Apr 2, 2004)

Oh Sarah,
I am thinking of you and Elijah tonight. This is not your fault. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Elijah should be tucked in bed beside you tonight and for many more to come. I will think of you tomorrow when I go to sit "with" my little one gone.
Loving thoughts to you and your family,
Jessie


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## StillForest (Nov 27, 2001)

Dear Sarah,

I am so sorry that you lost your precious Elijah and that you're going through this. You and Elijah will be in my thoughts. Please be very kind and gentle with yourself as you walk through the coming days. Hugs and peace to you


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss. This is not your fault. You didn't cause this. I think every mom feels guilty after her baby dies but it helps to hear others remind you that it wasn't your fault. Would you like to tell us more about little Elijah? I am just so sorry. I haven't really found any better words than these.


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## EMZ (Sep 25, 2003)

I'm very sorry for your loss. Nobody deserves this in any way. I pray for your inner peace and that one day you'll realize that this was NOT your fault.


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## painted horse (Jul 18, 2003)

Sarah -

If I could put my arms around you I would. I am so sorry for your anguish. My daughter Sophia was stillborn at home, but we still had her transported to the hospital anyway, trying to resusitate her. Leaving her at the hospital felt just so WRONG in a way that is very difficult to describe. I can totally relate to the thought and the desire to have your precious babe snuggled up in your bed right now. Many of us here can relate to that.

My only words of wisdom right now are to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you may be feeling - anger, betrayal, deep sorrow, denial, depression, barganing with the Fates and God, rage; these are normal feelings after a loss such as this. Cry as much as you want. Find a supportive friend or relative. You can ALWAYS come here to vent!!! Forgive yourself for any harsh thoughts you may have towards yourself, others, or God. You are not being punished. Challanged by a trial of sweat and tears, of rage and grief - but believe it or not, not punished; albeit this is a punishing event. When you feel ready, I highly recommend journaling. Try to carve out time for yourself in your unique grieving process. Try to find compassion for yourself.

I am so sorry for your loss.

May you find peace.

Warmly,

Jen


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## Ms.Doula (Apr 3, 2003)

Ohhh sweet mamma.









Being wheeled down the long hallway adorned with baby pictures, newborn's hand & feetprints, in pastel paint was all soo much for me to bear.
I lost it as well, how can we not? That moment, realising you are leaving a peice of you behind, is heartshattering to say the least.









This is *NOT* your fault in any way shape or form. You can't controll the universe & its enhabitants, sweetie. It is so much bigger than about what we want/need. Just Please know that God doesnt work that way, and he didn't "TAKE HIM" because he "needed" him. There is a plan bigger than we & someday we will know the answers why things like this were allowed to happen. Untill then, please go on missing, & loving your precious son, and know that someday you will have the chance of holding him again!









LOVE & MERCY~
Melissa


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## TappinMamma (Dec 24, 2002)

thanks so much for all your support Mammas. I truly hoped I'd be feeling a bit better, but alas, I can't seem to go 5 minutes without the tears welling up in my eyes. I can only find comfort in support from others who have been through it, and knowing that someday I will hold my sweet Elijah again.


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## Melaniee (Apr 15, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss. It was not your fault. Elijah is a beautiful name.


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## mamaley (Mar 18, 2002)

i'm so, so sorry for your loss.








i'm thinking of you and your sweet angel. i know we don't know each other, but i am crying for you and wishing there was something i could do for you.


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## srain (Nov 26, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TappinMamma*
I can't seem to go 5 minutes without the tears welling up in my eyes.

I remember being amazed 2 weeks or so after my son died when I realized I'd gone a whole 30 minutes without crying. I had to get 2 pairs of new contact lenses because the old ones got worn out! Give yourself plenty of time. You deserve it.


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