# Encouraging 5 yo DS to help out



## head4thehills (Feb 19, 2014)

Our nearly 6 yo son is, as far as I can tell, a pretty spirited kid. He's lively, energetic, loud and boisterous. I have to say, he's never been good at picking up after himself and I've never been good at showing him how. Lately, if I tell him to do the smallest amount of picking up (ie- a strawberry top that he just dropped on the floor instead of into the compost container), he says "I'm not the kind of guy who does chores!" I don't know where he picked up the word "chore" because we generally don't phrase things that way. I say things like "tidy up" "do laundry" or "wash dishes" to describe what I'm doing around the house. No one in our household complains about "doing chores", so I don't know where his complaints are coming from. 
Because he has these "spirited child" (sorry for all the quotation marks!) characteristics inherent in his personality, he can be very stubborn about the smallest thing, like that strawberry top left on the floor. There seems to be no consequence that matters enough for him to actually want to pick it up. He does not care about tidiness the way adults do. He has almost no desire to help out. His 2 yo sister sees me picking up toys on the floor and wants to help. But it's just not on his radar.
I don't want to suggest it's because he's a boy, but I think he would much rather be helping his dad out doing guy stuff. He wants to do construction work, fix things with tools, go fishing with Dad. Unfortunately, there just aren't many opportunities for him to do guy stuff over the course of the day. I'd love to have a workshop and do these things with him when his Dad isn't available to be with him. But we just don't have a home workshop set up yet. And I really do want him to learn to pick up after himself and contribute to the general household tidiness. I don't want my son to grow up thinking women will just pick up after him. 
Maybe I just don't have a system set up that will help him understand this. There aren't really any special privileges that can be taken away if he fails to do a job. I could never do time-outs, and to deprive him of a fun activity, like going to the park, deprives him of an opportunity to get exercise and use some of his abundant energy. If he's in a particular mood, his whining and crying over being told to help out is a greater punishment to everyone else in the household than it is to him. So, we end up picking up after him, simply because it's the less exhausting option and the only way to keep the house from becoming a disaster zone. I just don't know how to teach him without burning out.
Have any of you discovered any strategies that worked for your kids?


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## Xerxella (Feb 6, 2008)

The first thing that hits me is the "it's a less exhausting option" line. There will always be something with every kid when it's easier just to give in than follow through. And sometimes that's fine. Every thing isn't a battle. But, I think you need to make a decision on what you're firm on and what you are not firm on. 

So, decide. And, I think picking up food that falls on the floor is a good spot. A 5 year old can clean up when they make a food mess or at least help if it's a big mess. So, let's go with the strawberry top example. 

You: Honey, the strawberry top fell on the floor. Please put it in the garbage. 

Kid: Resistance

You: Yes, please. We need to pick up our food messes so it doesn't rot and smell. Please pick it up. 

Kid: Resistance

You: No. We need to pick it up now before we do any other activities. I'll sit here and wait for you. 

Kid: Resistance

You: Rinse and repeat. 

Let's face it. You've let this happen and now he knows if he throws a big enough tantrum, you'll just do it and he can get back to what he wants to do. There's no anger or punishment from you. It's just a simple fact that we need to do some basic cleaning up after ourselves. Everyone does. That's life. 

So, now I have a feeling you're going to have a full meltdown on your hands now that the rules are about to change. Keep your cool. Follow him around and don't let him off the hook. But, be prepared to meet him 90% of the way, especially the first time. Help his hand put it in the garbage and then be all excited and happy that now we can go do fun things. 

Also, I think a nice heart to heart with dad may be very helpful. Men help out around the house. That's what they do. Everyone has to help out. If dad can have a heart to heart with him, that may help to turn the tide. 

Good luck. Let us know how it works out.


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## Xerxella (Feb 6, 2008)

I also wanted to add a recommendation for the book "The Secret of Parenting" by Anthony Wolf. He says punishments don't work (I agree) and gives his secret. His secret is essentially "stand there until they do it." It sounds silly, but it really works. He explains it better than me. 

Good luck.


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## head4thehills (Feb 19, 2014)

I like how you distilled the advice from this book to it's most essential message. I need something I can remember when it counts. I've read books like "Taming the Spirited Child" and there was lots of good advice, but no way I can remember it all in a day-to-day setting. And since they were borrowed from the library, I can't just come back to them any time I need. So, yeah, something simple I can keep in my head is most useful!
I've been more persistent with him, and he is starting to respond more positively. He'll now pick up after himself when I tell him to (usually), albeit with a bit of a grumble. It's still going to be exhausting at times, but... I guess I shouldn't complain about exhausting!


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## mamatoabeautifulboy (Jul 15, 2016)

Hi - He sounds like my son. i think part of my problem was that I didn't start early enough. If I had always had my son help me with a "it's just what we do" attitude he might have not given me so much resistance. I have to say though that now that he is 7 he helps out a lot more and with much more ease. Instituting a routine helped. I think kids sometimes seem blindsided when moms ask them to clean up, it seems sudden and often they are just in the middle of playing. 

Here are some of the rules/guidelines we live by:
-everyone clears their own dishes from the table when done eating/excused from the table
-often DS is asked to help wash the dishes
-everyone makes their own bed (usually this happens unless we're in hurry to get out)
-we pick up the toys at the end of the day 

Once we had a routine going these things became normal. Also I have to note that I tried not make cleaning up hard or give him a very big job at first so that he didn't hate it. Give him lot of praise too! And dad definatly has to help.


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## Alexander (Nov 22, 2001)

Is there a SO on the scene? Boys pick up on dads offering to help mums, without reference to the issue (ie not -> "See? Dad helps mum, you should too." ) Pre-plan with SO, this should be a joint effort.

Try to avoid instructionalism, unless you are prepared to be BossGoddessMaster all the way.

Also, make sure you are emotionally neutral (We are the Borg. Resistance is futile! Compliance is inevitable. etc)

But

praise, hugs and apple slices when you catch him doing it right (but not after requests).

"I don't do chores" let me introduce you to "very small portions of everything" and no desert.

good luck


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