# Making plans without the babies



## APintheAF (Jan 9, 2006)

My twin girls were just born Saturday. I was due mid-August, so DH and I decided to cance; our annual vacation to his home state of ME. Instead, in February, we took a family vacation to the Daytona 500 and Disney World. This was our big trip for the year (years?) and he was saving his vacation time for when the babies were born.
Saturday, I delivered our babies. And now, DH is calling all his family and trying to arrange a vacation this summer. I'm no longer pregnant, so I can handle the 24-hour drive. We won't be having babies so he has vacation time to burn.
I think it's way too soon to start planning things now that the girls aren't here. I got upset with him last night for trying to plan a "dead baby vacation."
It just hurts to think of going on this trip at all. I'm sure I'll come around, but can't I have more than 5 days to deal without them being here before I have to move on to the fact that all of our plans have to change?

How did you deal with changing plans?
Am I overreacting?

Thanks for listening.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

In a few months you might feel better about going on vacation. We took a trip over the 6 month anniversary of Dresden's birth and it was just what we needed. Of course it's hard to do anything at first.. all the things you get to do are BECAUSE your babies are dead.. that makes you feel guilty for enjoying anything. I remember just going to the movies upset me.. we shouldn't have been able to do that, I would never leave a 2 month old baby to see a show, ya know? But this might be your husbands way of coping.. maybe planning the trip is keeping him busy and thinking of the future in a positive light? Big hugs.. nothing is easy on this journey.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Remember... men DO... it's all about action. I'm sure it's his way of coping. And maybe he really feels a need to be around family?

And I'm so sorry for your loss...


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## bdoody11 (Aug 16, 2005)

I'm finding having vacation plans are helpful for me. We are planning a 10-day trip to Spain and a week at the beach. Having something to focus on that will be fun is good for my psyche.

I understand how it can intensify your feelings of loss. If I was still pregnant with my October loss we would not be going to Spain as I would be 8 1/2 months pregnant. I do think of this wistfully sometimes.

I agree that going on this trip and seeing his family may be a way for your husband to cope. I think men often have trouble expressing their grief, especially when these losses are so personal and visceral for us.

I would just suggest you be open and honest with your husband about how you are feeling. You both really need each other right now.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss.... I think maybe it is his way to cope, he is trying to help you as well, but he may not know the best way...


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

Everyone has good points. But I want to point out another one - he might be trying to do something nice for you. It's hard to be at home without your babies when you should be preparing for them to arrive, not dealing with their loss. Garrin and I left for 3 or 4 days right after Gideon's funeral. It was good to get away from all the well meaning family and the reminders of Gideon and to be able to deal only with each other and our memories. We spent a lot of time crying and a lot of time talking to each other - about Gideon and about what we would do now that our life was so different than we imagined. It was so incredibly healing and good for us. And it was all Garrin's idea.

*hugs* I hope that no matter what you do and when that these coming days are as easy as possible on you. It's so hard. I'm so sorry for the loss of your girls, Leah.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Oh mama I am so sorry for your loss. Men just don't think


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zonapellucida* 
Oh mama I am so sorry for your loss. Men just don't think









Or maybe they think too much!


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MI_Dawn* 
Or maybe they think too much!









I think you got it Dawn! Men deal with the loss of their babies too.. just in different ways sometimes..


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

My husband dragged me on vacation a few weeks after our son died. At first I was really mad and resentful, but it really did do wonders to get away. Everything was triggering me at home. I was still sad and I still thought of him constantly, but it took some weight off. I think sometimes too that we need to let our husbands "help" some.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

Well... We're currently on our "dead baby vacation" in Maui, only it was initiated and planned by me. Since it is only a month since we lost our son, maybe this is a different thing, because I feel like it's just a stop-gap measure, something to get us through these two weeks and as MommaSomeday said:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommaSomeday* 
It was good to get away from all the well meaning family and the reminders of Gideon and to be able to deal only with each other and our memories.

And maybe planning it was what got me through the two weeks between his death and the memorial service-- having _something_ to try and look forward to. Being here is nice and restorative on some levels, but really, really hard on others (i.e. strangers innocently asking if we have kids, seeing people here with their kids, seeing whales and thinking this is great, but I wish I could show them to my son, etc, etc).

Anyway, I understand both sides of this-- you *just* lost your babies and making plans to do things that you couldn't/ wouldn't do if they were alive just throws the stark reality of their death into even sharper relief. You're not ready to think about the future because you _had_ plans and you need time to mourn the loss of your children and all that was to come with them







.

This is hard all around. I think it's fine to tell your DH that you're not ready to discuss plans, but maybe do it gently and remember, as others have said, that this might be his way of trying to cope.


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

You are not over-reacting.









If you're not ready to go out, then tell him in clear language. I could barely leave the house for the first month, and even after 3 months it was something I had to force when I went back to work - but luckily everyone knew and they understood if I had to take off for an hour to cry. By 6 months I was nominally functional, but it took almost a year (and meeting some wonderful new friends) before I really felt like I was "dealing" and could start moving on.

We didn't do a "trip" or anything of the sort until almost 18 months later, for DH's birthday.


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## Jojo F. (Apr 7, 2007)

Leah, I just wanted to offer you support


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## famille_huggins (Mar 30, 2007)

You're not overreacting, but I agree with many here that "men do." He needs to put his hand to something, anything, to get through grief. Bear in mind that though it can consume you, it's not just you grieving. He may really need to get home to his family, to some normalcy. Not that it won't be weird, because it will be and you should prepare yourself for that. It's very hard to move on in life without babies -- just take it one breath at a time and hang in there.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm the big planner in our family. After our son died my DH told me he just couldn't plan anything and asked me to do the same. So, I just let things be. It was difficult but also lifted a weight off of my shoulders to not feel like I had to do anything other than grieve.

As others have said just let him know how you feel and if you need him to stop making plans let him know you're not ready yet. You need each other and the best way to support each other is to be honest and open.

Hugs to you guys.


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## APintheAF (Jan 9, 2006)

Thank you all for a little perspective.
I asked DH to just give me a little time. I told him that I'm not against going, I'm just against thinking about it the same week we lost our little girls. His immediate family were all planning trips to come out and see us at the end of the summer, but I doubt that'll happen now. I know it will be good for us all to go see family. I know this, I'm just not ready yet. In 2 months, I'm sure I'll be ready (or at least willing). I just don't want to plan it yet.
DH is understanding of this. He said we can cut off the planning until I'm more ready and he even offered to nix the whole trip all together - which won't be necessary.
Our lives have changed permanently and we will have to keep living them, but it doesn't have to start today.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *APintheAF* 
Our lives have changed permanently and we will have to keep living them, but it doesn't have to start today.

You are SO right on about that!!


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Big hugs









You need some time and it does seem he is rushing into the plans. I would be hurt too.







Like everyone else has said, perhaps you will be ready for something though when the time comes.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

It's so hard.
My husband did something very similar after we lost our son and I was furious. He was very much rushing things. Of course it was his way of coping and _doing_ something and part of his grieving. But it was not something I could do or even wanted to do. We finally talked through it. But I still did not go. It was probably two years before I would allow us to do anything major like that that we wouldn't have done if he had lived. Even now there are certain things that still sting knowing we wouldn't do it or do it a particular way if he were here.
Anyway you may be ready later and you may not. Either is ok and you need to do what your heart is telling you. I'm glad you talked w/him and that he was understanding that it is too soon.


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