# Playdate etiquette- would you say something? another question post 26



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Do you think it's ok to call to arrange a playdate, when you can't have the kids over at your house? (so you are calling to ask if YOUR kids can go play at the friend's house). Is it ok if you are friends with the other parent, and your kids play together quite often?

Do you think it's ok to have a 5 or 6yo call and arrange play dates?

Now, a more specific question- How would you feel about this conversation:

_other mom_: Does your child want to play with my kids today?
_You_: (ask your child if they want to play, and he/she does). Yes, he'd like to play, but he can only come over for a short time.
_other mom_: Oh, I won't be able to have them over here. I was wondering if they could play at your house.

If you DO think it's ok to call and ask if your kids can play at someone else's house, do you think that that conversation is ok? You aren't being told that the kids need to come to your place until AFTER you've gotten your dc all excited about playing. So if it's not convenient to have kids over to your place, you don't have an easy out.

If you don't think those things are ok, would you say something to the mother doing them? What would you say, and how would you approach it?


----------



## savannah smiles (May 4, 2004)

It seems like in this situation, the mom calling to ask the other mom to host a playdate is actually asking the other mom to babysit her child, but is trying to word it differently. If I were the mom being asked to host a playdate, I'd feel annoyed and decline unless I was in the mood to have the kid over.


----------



## Porcelain Interior (Feb 8, 2008)

No it is always rude to call someone and ask them to host your child.

I would feel very pressed and awkward with that sort of exchange. You don't make plans at someone else's house without being invited first.

I avoid people like that. I'm allergic.

As to your particular question: If you don't think those things are ok, would you say something to the mother doing them? What would you say, and how would you approach it?

I don't think I'd say something to the mother because the initial conversation would have been SOOO painfully awkward and weird and honestly I'd be so shocked I probably would just suck it up and have the child over since the mom had already told her kid she was calling, and you'd said yes before you realized you were trapped. If I could make an excuse and get out of it I would do that also. In the future I would avoid her like the plague.

I have little patience for grown people with no social skills, and no one in our house is particularly social and I don't enjoy playdates and never did them with my own kids so I might not be the best person to ask.

I have grown people friends and my kids are friends with their kids, so when we have get together's or they have friends over it is always with people I've hand selected and enjoy the company of.


----------



## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

Now I have no problems with my kids playmates or their parents calling and asking if they can come over to my house BUT that needs to be spelled out at the beginning of the conversation.


----------



## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

With the way that is worded, no.

With good friends, worded differently, ok. As in: "Hi so-and-so. Should we get the kids together? Do you want to come here or shall we come there?" Or even "We can't do a play date here this week because XYZ. If you want my kids can come over there, but if not, then let's do something next week instead." But again, I would do this with a good friend where play dates are common, not just anyone. And the way she worded it, no, not OK.


----------



## clovergirl (Dec 1, 2001)

i would only ask that of a very close friend, as in, i have a relationship with the child's mother outside of being the parent of my child's friend. does that make sense?

but i would be very upfront about it. the conversation you put forth as an example does seem a bit... manipulative. in my head, the proper way to go about that would be "hey, A, are you guys busy today? B was hoping to play today with C, but we can't host you guys at our house. would it be OK to drop B off to play for a couple of hours?"

keep in mind though that none of my kid's friends are neighborhood friends, so playdates involve being driven places anyway. and right now, pretty much all of my kid's friends are family friends, as in we are friends with the whole family. i'm sure that's going to be changing soon enough, as my oldest is turning 10 soon and is making new friends.


----------



## IntuitiveJamie (Jun 24, 2006)

I am always a very upfront person. So ,if I want to have my kids have a playdate, but not at our house, I always state that up front. However I would never assume, that it would then be at the other persons house. I usually say something like "hey, I would love to see y'all today so the kids can play, but I really need to get my kids out of our house, can we come play at yours or meet at a park or somewhere?" And my friends know that they can always say no. Ask a straight question, get a straight answer. I would never ask someone to play, but really mean, "can you watch my kids at your house?" If I need a babysitter, then I'll ask for that specific service.


----------



## velochic (May 13, 2002)

My personal opinion is that this would be very rude. I wouldn't do it. I don't even ask this of my best friend. If I needed a babysitter, I'd just come right out and ask and negotiate the price.


----------



## jjawm (Jun 17, 2007)

Doesn't bother me in the least. When I suggest a playdate, there is always discussion about whose house it's at - same with my friends. It's "let's get together this week! Your house or mine?" sort of thing.


----------



## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
My personal opinion is that this would be very rude. I wouldn't do it. I don't even ask this of my best friend. If I needed a babysitter, I'd just come right out and ask and negotiate the price.

I am pretty much this except for a group of close friends. We do a lot of trade offs and no one (yet) has taken advantage. A typical conversation is:

Me: hey what are you guys doing Friday night? Want to come over? I am making pizza and we can have a glass of wine and catch up/
Friend: great, should I bring a movie for kids?
Me: sure!!
Friend: Ok.
Me: I have a Dr's appt next Tuesday, any chance the kids can play?
Friend: no problem! Maybe afterwards you can stay so I can run to the store?
Me: of course, See you Friday

Noone keeps score and no one is afraid to say no if needed. However I would never presume with family I don't know or don't know really well.

In fact most times I ask to have the kids here if I don't know the family well, even when my son is invited there. I like to be in control since I am a total control freak!!


----------



## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
If you don't think those things are ok, would you say something to the mother doing them? What would you say, and how would you approach it?

For a very close friend, I wouldn't mind the wording. If I didn't want to host, I'd be honest and suggest meeting at a neutral location.

I'd be unlikely to approach the mom about the wording. More likely, I'd just make a mental note and ask for clarification about the invitation in the future--_before_ discussing it with my dc.


----------



## BunnySlippers (Oct 30, 2007)

I don't think its wierd.
I've called to arrange a playdate and had the parents assume I meant thier house







. If she goes to other peoples houses I invite myself along (unless I know the household really well).

If you can't hold a playdate in your house, maybe you can arrrange one ata park?


----------



## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

how awkward.

I have a six year and when a couple of kids get together and make grand plans and such things can get complicated. However if Ava was telling me "I am going of to Zoeys house after school" I would call Zoeys mom and say "Ava and Zoey have made plans for xyz....did you know anything about this? Does this work for you or would it be better for them to play at our house? Or should we wait for another day?" She does the same thing. Ava and Zoey make LOTS of plans.









Occasionally I need to either end a play date or put the friend mom in charge. but I am always right up front with that. "HI I know the kids are having a great time playing but I have to go run some errends. would you prefer they keep playing here until I get back in a an hour or would you like me to take Ava with me?"

it seems beyond rude that she made the playdate first and then announced it would have to be at your house. I don't care how much my child wants to go over to a friends house. we wait for an uncoerced invite.

granted with my really close friends who we have frequent playdates with (back in the playdate days) I wouldn't have minded if someone said "can they come over to your house (I would have been relieved)" or we have said "your house or mine" and I had one friend whose kids were incapable of playing at someone elses house so it was always assumed playdates were at her house. But the way this lady asked was just weird.


----------



## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

My dd's friends call and ask to come over all the time and I love it. It is wonderful to have other kids over because it gives me a nice break while they play and entertain each other. I also let my dd answer the phone when it is her friend calling and I let her work things out and ask me if the timing works out. When I was a kid we always called back and forth to come over to each others house for playdates.


----------



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i have no problems with can my child go over and play at your house. however not the way it was spelt out.

even with close friends.


----------



## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I'd find it weird. If I needed someone to watch my kids, I spell that out. "I was wondering if you'd be able to watch M for a hour or two."

If I call about a playdate, then I assume it's going to be at our house, but that it could be negotiated to be at someone else's house too.


----------



## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I would have started the conversation "Dd wants to know if she can come over and play? I would have ____ over, but now isn't a good time because..."


----------



## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

With the couple of moms I regularly arrange playdates with the conversation normally goes like this:

mom 1: It would be fun for the kids to play together, you guys have any time?
mom 2: Sure, this afternoon would work.
mom 1: Your house or mine?

The only time I've noticed that the one doing the inviting has to be the one who's house it's at is with a new relationship for the first couple of playdates.

To me there are 2 questions. The first is about whether or not a specific time will work, the second is where they kids will play.


----------



## annekevdbroek (Jun 5, 2005)

I have no problem with it. I trade playdates back and forth with several neighbors/friends. I have no problem with either of us saying "The kids want to play, can it be at your place" or vis versa.

I do have one neighbor who I've stopped inviting his kids over for playdates because he *never* hosts (and I am a single mom right now with my husband deployed), his kids make a big mess, and he is chronically late picking them up. I like him and the kids, but it was too one-direction, and was making me frustrated.


----------



## lindberg99 (Apr 23, 2003)

I don't know, we do that with DS's best friend's family and they do it with us. Like one night we got invited to a party at the home of younger DS's friend. Older DS (9 yo) didn't want to go so he called up his friend and asked if he could come over there instead. I ran into her at school the next week and she asked if her son could come over because she wanted to go shopping. And we've had him and sometimes his brother over so she could take the baby to the doctor, etc.

I don't really consider it babysitting, I guess because we trade off. My son sure is at their house a lot! And sometimes she'll have my 5 yo over too.


----------



## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

To me, she was asking for babysitting, not a playdate. I don't know whether she was being manipulative (getting your kid to say yes first) or socially clueless (oh no, they can't come here!) but either way, I say it was rude. IMO, the conversation the OP wrote is not the same as "OK, let's get together, your place or mine"


----------



## Grace and Granola (Oct 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllisonR* 
With the way that is worded, no.

With good friends, worded differently, ok. As in: "Hi so-and-so. Should we get the kids together? Do you want to come here or shall we come there?" Or even "We can't do a play date here this week because XYZ. If you want my kids can come over there, but if not, then let's do something next week instead." But again, I would do this with a good friend where play dates are common, not just anyone. And the way she worded it, no, not OK.

Exactly this


----------



## Redheaded_Momma (Nov 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peony* 
Now I have no problems with my kids playmates or their parents calling and asking if they can come over to my house BUT that needs to be spelled out at the beginning of the conversation.









Be upfront about it!


----------



## StrawberryFields (Apr 6, 2005)

I think it depends on your relationship with the other parent and the kids' relationships with each other. I have a friend who will often call up and say something like, "We were thinking about stopping by next week so the kids could play, let me know when it would be good for you." or something like that. And I actually feel really guilty that she comes over all the time because I feel like I should reciprocate by going over there once in awhile.

Likewise, my SIL will text me with something like, "Would it be cool for (so and so) to come and play today."

I don't feel weird about these situations at all. I might feel different if it was just a friend of my kids, where I didn't know the parents very well.

In all honesty I really prefer playdates where the parents just drop their kids off over here to play for the day. I am not all that enthused about accompanying my child on a playdate to someone else's house and I feel similarly about hosting the parents at our house.


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Porcelain Interior* 
No it is always rude to call someone and ask them to host your child.

That was my initial thought too. I've relaxed my thoughts on that, and decided that I just had to get better at saying "no." But now she's started doing what I mentioned- not telling me it has to be at my house until after I've said ds wants to play.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newbymom05* 
To me, she was asking for babysitting, not a playdate. I don't know whether she was being manipulative (getting your kid to say yes first) or socially clueless (oh no, they can't come here!) but either way, I say it was rude. IMO, the conversation the OP wrote is not the same as "OK, let's get together, your place or mine"

Yeah, "your place or mine?" is totally fine with me!
I have a friend who does this and I don't mind one bit. It's usually better for both of us if they come here, so it's sort of assumed it will be here, but she tends to ask anyways. She does it via email, so it's really easy for me to decline. (And I know that she would totally understand if I just said I was feeling lazy and antisocial that day. lol)

I guess it comes down to that- if I can decline easily, or if I feel coerced to say OK. The mom in my OP, I don't feel I can easily decline, especially when I've said that ds would like to play (thinking it would be at her place). It feels like she takes it personally if I don't accept playdates for a while. Or that she thinks I *should* accept playdates X number of times per week. I don't know if she feels that way, but that's the impression I get from her.

I think she's socially clueless. I don't really think it's intentionally manipulative. Sigh. That's why I wonder if I should say something to her. She's mentioned to me that her friendship's don't tend to last long, and she wishes people would just tell her what she does wrong.


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Oh, and another ettiquette question-
if she calls and leaves a message asking if ds wants to play, am I obligated to call her back to call her and give her an answer, even if it's just to say that it's not a good day?

Is the polite thing to do to call back either way?


----------



## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

It is always polite to call back one way or the other.


----------



## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
Oh, and another ettiquette question-
if she calls and leaves a message asking if ds wants to play, am I obligated to call her back to call her and give her an answer, even if it's just to say that it's not a good day?

Is the polite thing to do to call back either way?

I think it's polite to call back either way.

For the situation you described in the first post, I would say that the other mom isn't abiding by Emily Post rules of etiquette, but between friends that may be okay. If it isn't okay with you, then I think you can let her know, gently, that you would appreciate it if she was upfront from the beginning of the conversation.

You're also forewarned now. If she's calling about a playdate, you can get all of the information from her first - what time, where, who else is invited, what activities are planned - before you discuss it with your own child.


----------



## mata (Apr 20, 2006)

yes, one thing I've learned is to get all the details first before involving dc, because I may end up wanting to decline.


----------



## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HollyBearsMom* 
It is always polite to call back one way or the other.

Agreed. Just a simple no, I can't today, I usually offer to call when things are better or suggest a day that works for me.

I think with this mom, you are going to have to start questioning her as soon as she suggests something. She asks if you want to get together, you ask about all the details, "Today? Where at? When?" and then say "yes, no, maybe".


----------



## bluebunny (Jul 14, 2006)

Quote:

Do you think it's ok to call to arrange a playdate, when you can't have the kids over at your house? (so you are calling to ask if YOUR kids can go play at the friend's house). Is it ok if you are friends with the other parent, and your kids play together quite often?
I don't mind if a friend calls to try to set up a playdate when she doesn't want to host as long as she tells me upfront. So, if she said, "X wants to play with Y today. Would you mind having X over to play?"

Quote:

Do you think it's ok to have a 5 or 6yo call and arrange play dates?
Well, at some point the parents have to get involved. So if my child wanted a playdate I would have to talk to the other parent to arrange the details.

Quote:


If you DO think it's ok to call and ask if your kids can play at someone else's house, do you think that that conversation is ok? You aren't being told that the kids need to come to your place until AFTER you've gotten your dc all excited about playing. So if it's not convenient to have kids over to your place, you don't have an easy out.

If you don't think those things are ok, would you say something to the mother doing them? What would you say, and how would you approach it?

That conversation is rude, IMO. I would feel manipulated. And I would probably gently say something if it happened more than once. I have a friend that has promised things to my child and has not intended to follow-through, thinking that he won't remember. For instance, "we'll come to your house tomorrow to play" when my son is upset about leaving a playdate when we have no plans to get together the next day. I have told her that my son looks forward to things and would remember the next day so I would n't knowingly disappoint him. She told me that she didn't think about it like that because if her son had brought up a playdate the next day she would tell him that it wouldn't work out and he would be fine. My son would be extremely disappointed. I didn't have any qualms about telling her not to do that any more. And she told me that she appreciated my being upfront with her.

Quote:

I think she's socially clueless. I don't really think it's intentionally manipulative. Sigh. That's why I wonder if I should say something to her. She's mentioned to me that her friendship's don't tend to last long, and she wishes people would just tell her what she does wrong.
I would definitely say something to her. If she calls asking if your child wants to play, you could say ask upfront whether it would be your house or hers, before asking your child about it. That way you know ahead of time what her intention is.

Quote:

Oh, and another ettiquette question-
if she calls and leaves a message asking if ds wants to play, am I obligated to call her back to call her and give her an answer, even if it's just to say that it's not a good day?

Is the polite thing to do to call back either way?
I'd call back either way, if I got the message. But my friends know I don't always listen to my answering machine right away.


----------



## pixiekisses (Oct 14, 2008)

I think it's rude the way it was played out. If you can't host, then be upfront about it. Say it right away that you can't have the kids because of this or that, but your kid/s wanted to know if he/she/they could come over to play.
A 5/6 yo. can absolutely call and ask for themselves, and the parents can do the details.

It's always polite to call back though, no matter what the answer is.


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HollyBearsMom* 
It is always polite to call back one way or the other.

Awww, man.








I hate using the phone, unless I'm in the right mood. And she leaves a message nearly every day. Every other day, at least. Plus, I'm not sure how to just say "nope, not in the mood for a playdate." I always feel like I need to give her a reason (and maybe slightly worried she'll try to talk me into it).

Alright. I'll try to be better at calling back. And at being more assertive.


----------



## dogretro (Jun 17, 2008)

When I was 5, it wasnt a playdate, it was going over to your friends house to play. My best friend (who lived up the street) and I would always call each other to see if the other could play. If I wanted to come over, I asked her if it was okay. If she didnt want me to, she might ask if she could come over instead. She might ask her mom if I could come over and her mom might say no, but that she could go to my house. There was no drawn out whatever, but we could also walk alone to each others houses.

I have no problem asking my good friends if we can come over, but I ask it upfront. I do not like the way your friend asked; it didnt seem v polite. Our children are still v young, though, and if we need our kids to be babysat, we ask for that separately & we often pay each other. We do not leave our kids alone at each others houses yet b/c they are just not old enough for that. By the time they are 4 or 5, though, I do not see that as babysitting, just playing together. I think a lot of the playdate issues resolve themselves by school age b/c the kids can either talk about it at school or call each other on the phone and handle it.


----------



## BunnySlippers (Oct 30, 2007)

I realize I read your OP wrong, that was put out there a bit awkwardly.. though I still don't think its wierd. I guess cause I know someone who gets flustered and says stuff like that. She doesnt mean it, it just comes out


----------



## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
Awww, man.







I hate using the phone, unless I'm in the right mood. And she leaves a message nearly every day. Every other day, at least. Plus, I'm not sure how to just say "nope, not in the mood for a playdate." I always feel like I need to give her a reason (and maybe slightly worried she'll try to talk me into it).

Alright. I'll try to be better at calling back. And at being more assertive.


I hate talking on the phone too. I think it is probably the reason I don't have any close friends. I am bad about not calling people back. I need to work on that.

To answer your original question, I think the whole conversation was wierd and I would probably be irritated. I wouldn't say anything to her though I would try to come up with a way to turn her down the next time.


----------



## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
Awww, man.







I hate using the phone, unless I'm in the right mood. And she leaves a message nearly every day. Every other day, at least. Plus, I'm not sure how to just say "nope, not in the mood for a playdate." I always feel like I need to give her a reason (and maybe slightly worried she'll try to talk me into it).

Alright. I'll try to be better at calling back. And at being more assertive.









Just say No!

If she really wants your dc to play with her dc, you could adopt her style and reply "I just don't have the energy today, but I could send _____ over if you want!"


----------



## Grace and Granola (Oct 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
Awww, man.







I hate using the phone, unless I'm in the right mood. And she leaves a message nearly every day. Every other day, at least. Plus, I'm not sure how to just say "nope, not in the mood for a playdate." I always feel like I need to give her a reason (and maybe slightly worried she'll try to talk me into it).

Alright. I'll try to be better at calling back. And at being more assertive.

So, is this a person that you never ever want to play with? I have a friend who isn't a buddy of mine or anything, but our kids get along, and we both find it nice to have each other's kids over because they occupy each other. So, we've sort of informally set up a weekly playdate and we alternate her house and mine. So, every thursday, we have it in our heads that there's a potential playdate. We always call to confirm, say on Tuesay. BUT, if one week, I don't feel like it or we have an appointment, then we call and cancel for that week, but hope to resume the next week. At least something like that would eliminate the daily phone calls. That is, unless this is a person that you never want your kid to play with!


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Yeah, I like her and her kids, and ds has lots of fun with her kids. I think there are 2 issues- she and her kids are more social than ds and I, and it's hard for me to say no to her.

{{I need to work on assertiveness}}

ETA: ooh...I just realized (thanks to Bug-a-Boo's Mama) that I could email her to let her know if it's not a good day. She checks her mail often. I bet she'd be happy with that.


----------



## Bug-a-Boo's Mama (Jan 15, 2008)

Um, that was a weird conversation. No I do not think that is okay. If you are calling to see if K wants to play, that would mean at your house. While my house isn't a mess or dirty, I always do an extra cleaning before having people over. I couldn't even imagine doing that with a close friend. If she had said the kids should get together and play and then you offered your house, that is different. And really sucks for you because you have gotten your DC excited about playing with the friend. Blah. Don't like that at all.

ETA~
Regarding the second question, it would depend on the friend I guess. I would probably e-mail or text back if it is only a casual friend. A close friend I would call back.

Oh and the child calling to play seems okay, as long as they are inviting your DC to their house, not inviting themselves over to yours







.


----------



## GranoLLLy-girl (Mar 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Porcelain Interior* 
No it is always rude to call someone and ask them to host your child.

I would feel very pressed and awkward with that sort of exchange. You don't make plans at someone else's house without being invited first.

I avoid people like that. I'm allergic.

As to your particular question: If you don't think those things are ok, would you say something to the mother doing them? What would you say, and how would you approach it?

I don't think I'd say something to the mother because the initial conversation would have been SOOO painfully awkward and weird and honestly I'd be so shocked I probably would just suck it up and have the child over since the mom had already told her kid she was calling, and you'd said yes before you realized you were trapped. If I could make an excuse and get out of it I would do that also. In the future I would avoid her like the plague.

I have little patience for grown people with no social skills, and no one in our house is particularly social and I don't enjoy playdates and never did them with my own kids so I might not be the best person to ask.

I have grown people friends and my kids are friends with their kids, so when we have get together's or they have friends over it is always with people I've hand selected and enjoy the company of.

I agree....LOVE the statement: I'm allergic! LOL! Me, too!


----------



## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

If she's flat out said that she wished someone would tell her why her friendships don't tend to last, and you would feel comfortable, it sounds as if she's open to hearing your discomfort with her communication. I would probably bring it up in conversation, something about ME being told something that was hard to hear from a friend, like, "I remember a while back, you said that you would like it if someone could tell you why [you suck eggs] ...well, my mom was mentioning the other day that she wishes I would [not suck eggs] and I'm not sure how I feel about that." Hopefully, that would lead you into a convo where she would say, "Yeah, I'd be fine if someone could tell me why my friendships end quickly." And you could say, "Well, has anyone ever told you why they stopped communicating?" and if she says no, you can couch it in the form of suggestions, "Perhaps you could try something like...well, for example, on the setting up playdates thing - you know how when we talk to each other about it, you will ask if Son wants to play? And then...? Maybe instead you might say...?"

Just some thoughts.


----------



## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

Well, good luck on giving her a clue, but IME if she's made it this far in life, your well meaning attempts are going to fall on barren soil, no matter what she says about "wishing someone would tell her". And I doubt that her friendships end b/c she's pushy on the phone w/ play dates! Seriously, I wouldn't get involved in that aspect of her life, unless you want her as a friend or you like to practice your psychologist skills.

RE the calls, I'd start returning her calls every other time or so, just to gently add a little distance. You can then say that you're sorry to not call sooner, she should try emailing you, etc.


----------



## noobmom (Jan 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
Awww, man.







I hate using the phone, unless I'm in the right mood. And she leaves a message nearly every day. Every other day, at least. Plus, I'm not sure how to just say "nope, not in the mood for a playdate." I always feel like I need to give her a reason (and maybe slightly worried she'll try to talk me into it).

Alright. I'll try to be better at calling back. And at being more assertive.

If she's calling *every day*, I wouldn't feel obligated to call her back every day. That's getting a little ridiculous. The only people I talk to every day are my DH and my DS. I would probably preempt the other calls. Say she calls on Monday about a playdate. If you can't do it Monday, call her back and suggest an alternate day--like Thursday. Hopefully she won't call between Mon and Thu then.


----------



## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *noobmom* 
If she's calling *every day*, I wouldn't feel obligated to call her back every day. That's getting a little ridiculous. The only people I talk to every day are my DH and my DS. I would probably preempt the other calls. Say she calls on Monday about a playdate. If you can't do it Monday, call her back and suggest an alternate day--like Thursday. Hopefully she won't call between Mon and Thu then.









Yeah, this is a good strategy. I didn't realize she was calling so often. I don't use the phone a lot either. That would make me a little uncomfortable too. I would relax my "return every call rule" in this situation, since you know you are going to be speaking again soon. E-mail is a good option too.

It's pretty hard to judge from a distance, but calling every day sounds a little needy. Or maybe she's just a really chatty, friendly type. If it's neediness, it may be another reason why others have put some distance between them and her. It goes along with not recognizing boundaries and misjudging social etiquette.


----------



## Kivgaen (Dec 5, 2003)

The way you worded the question -- definitely NOT okay. But making suggestions like, "would it work better for you if we came there"??

What is the reason that they can't come to your house? (Is it the same reason as mine, that my house is filthy, and I don't want anyone else to see the pig-sty of which we live?). Honesty is always the best policy, I find. If your house is too small, or too dirty, or too busy with other people, or whatever the case may be, then say so. Say -- "we'd love to come there if you will have us, because our house is ... ". I've done that before -- called a stranger and arranged a play-date for my son that took place at her house. She even OFFERED that she would mind the children and that I didn't need to stay with them. (I was actually a little disappointed, because I was hoping for some parent connection too, but it was clear that wasn't going to happen with her if I stayed).


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

The reason that it doesn't always work for the kids to come here (she doesn't ever come, which is fine) is just that 3 kids are WAY more loud, and way more talking/questions/needing stuff than just one. (I have one 5yo and one baby). I'm highly sensitive to outside stimuli, and it's just hard on me sometimes, especially if I'm not in a great mood to begin with or if there's more clutter in my house than I'd like.

I have tried to tell her, in a way, but I don't want her to think that it's anything against her kids at all. They really are great kids. Very nice, they listen well, they play well with my ds. They are just loud sometimes!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *noobmom* 
Say she calls on Monday about a playdate. If you can't do it Monday, call her back and suggest an alternate day--like Thursday. Hopefully she won't call between Mon and Thu then.









Great advice! I don't know why I never thought of some of the great advice in this thread! I guess I just got stuck in a "routine" and couldn't think of anything else better I could do.


----------



## lab (Jun 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
Do you think it's ok to call to arrange a playdate, when you can't have the kids over at your house? (so you are calling to ask if YOUR kids can go play at the friend's house). Is it ok if you are friends with the other parent, and your kids play together quite often?

Do you think it's ok to have a 5 or 6yo call and arrange play dates?

Now, a more specific question- How would you feel about this conversation:

_other mom_: Does your child want to play with my kids today?
_You_: (ask your child if they want to play, and he/she does). Yes, he'd like to play, but he can only come over for a short time.
_other mom_: Oh, I won't be able to have them over here. I was wondering if they could play at your house.

If you DO think it's ok to call and ask if your kids can play at someone else's house, do you think that that conversation is ok? You aren't being told that the kids need to come to your place until AFTER you've gotten your dc all excited about playing. So if it's not convenient to have kids over to your place, you don't have an easy out.

If you don't think those things are ok, would you say something to the mother doing them? What would you say, and how would you approach it?

Tacky.


----------



## Materfamilias (Feb 22, 2008)

I vote weird and awkward, and yes on the call back.


----------

