# Please help with suggestions - SIL's loss



## KarenEMT (Aug 10, 2002)

I hope some of you can help me help my SIL. She has been with her boyfriend for a long time, almost 8 years. They have never used protection, as SIL has always wanted to get pregnant. She had at least 3 MC's several years ago, including 1 set of twins. (She has no clue that we are right now TTC#3 and I am definitely keeping quiet about that).

In 2003, she had gastric bypass surgery. Our relationship deteriorated from that point on, and I have not actually spoken to her since 2003. This morning, she called (she now lives in Maryland) and directed the message to DH that she was pregnant, almost 5 mos, and lost the baby - the baby was born still on Wed nite/Thursday morning. She said they will be having a funeral on Monday. She has invited DH to the funeral.

What do you think I should do? I want to be supportive in spite of our poor relationship. I haven't spoken to her. If going down there would bring on more grief for her, then I will stay home. Should DH go alone (I am not sure if he can even get off of work at this late notice - he is a paramedic and will have to find his own replacement because of the short time frame). This is so hard - it seems as if there is something that prevents her from carrying a baby. They saw a reproductive endocrinologist before they moved - I don't know what the outcome of that was.

I will just give you a little extra info: SIL is a very needy type of person. She and DH have never been really close, even though they are only 17 mos apart in age. My DH has Asperger's and he just isn't a warm and fuzzy kind of brother like she wants him to be.

Any and all suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


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## calicokatt (Mar 14, 2005)

Go.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Just go and don't think twice about it. She lost a baby and she needs support.


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

I would say if you think that going there will cause her more stress then maybe it would be better to stay home. Could you call her and talk to her? Personally, we have not seen my SIL for months since she and my brother have an off and on relationship and he has been living with my parents and seeing her occasionally. Even though I don't dislike her, I asked my brother to come alone to our small ceremony at the cemetary last week. I think my SIL is nice enough but I was not comfortable having her there because I was in so much pain and having her there would not be very comforting. I felt better that it was more private. I don't know why you two aren't getting along so well but maybe she has a hard time since you have children and she is unable to have any? Maybe you could send her a nice card and/or a gift/food along with your husband when he goes down to see her? That way you could show your support without upsetting her.







So sorry that she and your family have experienced these losses.


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## KarenEMT (Aug 10, 2002)

DH absolutely positively does not want to go. He said he's not even going to try to take off of work for this - I should have suspected this may happen, he really does not like his sister and never has. My DH can be difficult to get along with, that is a fact.

Aside from this, SIL is a very needy person who wants constant attention and uses others. She borrowed a lot of money over the years, promising to pay me back, and never did. I let things slide for years but one day after she called and wanted more $$, I just lost it and told her in an E-mail to grow up and take reponsibility for herself and her actions. That is why she really dislikes me, because I wouldn't apologize for what I wrote in that E-mail, and I still won't.

However, whether or not she likes me, I do want to be supportive to her during this time. I cannot even imagine how she must feel. I may have to logistically work out how to get down there for the service. I am going to try to call her tomorrow and see if she picks up/will actually talk to me as a start.


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## goodcents (Dec 19, 2002)

Generally I would say don't go. She is going through a trying time, and even though she needs support, if you weren't specifically invited default to general etiquette rules. If you weren't specifically invited, and only your DH was, honor that. If you are unsure if the invitation extends to both of you, call her, explain that DH can't make it, but you would like to come.

Either way.....

I would send a small basket of either yummy food, or pampering products and write a note with tender words.


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## egoldber (Nov 18, 2002)

Go. One or both of you should go.

My brother and his wife did not attend my baby's memorial service and I honestly don't think I will ever forgive them. Ever.

If you think your presence would be disruptive, I would come in late, sit discretely in the back and take a moment when SIL is surrounded by other people and just tell her "I am so very, very sorry for your loss" and then walk away.

But go.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

It sounds like there is alot of other "issues" here going on with Dh,SIL & you. However, losing a baby makes you feel raw & vulnerable. But it takes all the support in the world to get "through it". If I were you, I would go & just be there. You do not need to say anything to her. Sign the guest book, give her a nice card, bring a dish for the reception. Leave early. There does not need to be any words, just presence that she, her partner & her baby are in your thoughts. It is time to but any bias's aside & just help hold her up while she buries her child.


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## nydiagonz (Jun 29, 2005)

I actually think that you shouldn't go. I think that your presence may cause more stress than comfort. I say this because that is how I felt both when my father died and my son. I was very, very upset that someone in my family had called all of my "friends" for me and they were at the hospital when my dad died. My grief was also extremely aggrivated at my son's funeral by some in laws who I don't like much (nothing bad ever happened between us, just conflicting personalities).

I think that you should send a card with a small gift or something. That way she knows that you are there for her if she needs you, but you don't aggrivate the situation. I hope it goes well no matter what you choose to do. Good luck.


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

Go. Be there.

My BIL and my DH had a "falling out" last year over a situation where my DH had to tell BIL to grow up and be a man and take care of his family. BIL got MAD at DH and there was incredible tension between them and us for the longest time.

When our son was lying in the NICU with only the machines keeping his body alive, they came up to visit, and BIL gave DH the hardest longest hug, and we all cried, and it has been the catalyst for healing the relationships.

Even if she doesn't end up reconciling with you or DH, make the effort to be there. FAR better to know you did try to be supportive and she didn't want it than to not go and find out later you drove the nail in the coffin of that relationship.

Kathryn


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