# so sad today



## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

It has almost been two weeks now since we found out that the baby had no heartbeat. Each day seemed a little better, but today I woke up so sad and depressed. It feels like starting all over again. I'm not sure what set me off. I woke up crying and haven't been able to stop yet. It is hard, because my husband is feeling a lot better and is back to work. I can't seem to shake this sad lonely feeling even with my husband and children sitting in the same room with me. It is a beautiful spring day out, but I don't even want to go out and enjoy it. I just want to curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head and cry all day! What is wrong with me? I just want to feel sane again.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm sorry.


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## oldermamato5 (Feb 4, 2005)

2 weeks is not very long,why should you not be crying still? your precious baby died,you have every right to be mourning. I will be praying for you! Love,Kim


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

KNow this is normal. Men greive differently. Your dh is hurting too, but doesn't express it the same way. Give yourself permission and sapce to mourn.

((((hugs))))0


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

like someone else said 2 weeks isn't long at all, give yourself the time and support you need. for me i would feel great for days and then have a bad one come on out of the blue.

take care

tara


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## p1gg1e (Apr 3, 2004)

, give your self more time. Know that your not alone and that its normal to feel this way. we are thinking of you!


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## BumbleBena (Mar 18, 2005)

Don't rush your grieving process. It will take time to get over something as devastating as what you've been through.

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Thank you all so much. Your hugs and words really help me feel "sane".
It seems so strange to mourn so much when I have nothing solid to hold onto. I still don't know if my baby was a girl or boy. I haven't been able to get the ultra sound pictures of my baby, because I can't drag myself back to the office to get them. I just feel like Im constantly grasping at straws to make my baby real. I found the appointment strip with the date I found out my baby had died, and held it and cried for an hour. My husband offered to throw it out for me, and I told him absolutely no!! I put it in my jewelry box and went looking for other momentos. I found the very early sonogram pictures, 7 weeks, of my baby when I saw the heartbeat. It just doesn't seem enough!! I'm not sure how to wrap my mind around the whole thing! I was shocked when I found out I was pregnant, and shocked when it was over. I am trying to be patient with myself, but I am afraid that my raw grief may be upsetting my boys? Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas how to deal with young children when I'm going through this?


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## Lynski (Oct 17, 2004)

I don't really have much advise. But 2 weeks is so soon, no wonder you're still grieving. My DS has been a source of healing for me, he's so young and sweet. He started walking the day after the miscarraige started. I just keep holding him and being thankful for his life.

It's been less than a week for me, and I count every day that I can get through work without crying as a good day. A lot of the time it doesn't seem real. Like you said, it's hard to have nothing solid to hold. Just a few things I bought for the baby.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Lynski, thank you so much for your words. I have a fifteen month old, and I thank god so much that I didn't ween him when I got pregnant. I find so much comfort in holding him and laughing at his toddler antics while he nursing. My other children have been so comforting. My 6 yearold always holds my hand when I cry and says it'll be OK. I don't know that the 4 year old understands, but he usually hugs me and says I love you when he knows I'm upset. One day he really cracked me up, because he gave me a big hug in the morning and I started to cry. He looked at me and said, "Ugh, I thought you were normal" and walked away. My husband and I laughed so hard. It was great. I gues they are learning it is OK to grieve and cry when they are sad! And it is OK to laugh too!


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## Roriesmama (May 21, 2004)

Many many hugs coming to you!! I remember feeling that way for along time after I MC I hope the pain with ease for you


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## UK Mom (Jul 2, 2002)

It's been nearly 4 weeks since I found out my baby didn't have a heartbeat. (I also found that it had died over 3 weeks before that.) I thought I was OK. I really did. But the other day I just went through the whole day again in my head and since then I have been really down. I don't have any advice, just to say that I am there with you and send you loads and loads of hugs.

Someone's signature line (I can't remember who - sorry!) said that one of their children lives 'only and forever in my heart'. I think that is beautiful and terribly sad and just how I feel.

Lots of love


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## Bethla (May 29, 2004)

Hugs to all of you. I am so sorry for the pain you all feel. May the sun shine a little brighter for you tomorrow.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

UK Mom-
I am so sorry for your loss and send you hugs and good thoughts.
And thank you, everyone, for your kind words.
I am finding that strange things really bring on the sadness. Today is one of my boy's 4th birthday. Something about the fact that I won't get to celebrate a birthday with my baby that I lost really got to me this morning. It is so hard to be walking through the grocery store and just start crying over something that just pops up. But I can honestly say that the pain has gotten less intense, though the sadness is still always underlying. Now I am just trying to deal with the intense panic attacks. Just having a plan to deal with those seems to help curb the panic when it hits though. I know with time I won't feel so raw. Just being able to come to this sight and talk with other women who've been through this really helps! Love to you all for your healing words and for your pain as well.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

yesterday was horrible. I tried to hide it from my son because it was his birthday, but everytime he was out of the room i started crying. ended up sobbing on the couch with my ds after the boys went to sleep. UGH!! missing the baby so much. would be 18 weeks today, and probably feeling movement! can't believe I'll never get to celebrate a birthday with my baby!! so so so sad! and angry at the unfairness of it all. I go between wanteing to sob and scream. what a mess.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

Hi... Iv'e been thinking about your postings, and how difficult it must be for you- its like you have one foot in the world of your living children, and the reality of everything happening with raising and caring for them, and the other foot in the world of your baby who's gone... how can you do both? The world of your life and your children spins and spins like a merry-go-round, and the world of your sadness, your loss, and your grief for your baby is a place that stands still- (_needs_ you to stand still?) It has to feel out of control, and you have to stumble through, just by the nature of your situation. I know that this is how I feel when I attempt to do things that I have to be done for 'life' to move on- it feels as though the ground is racing underneath my feet while they are standing still. There is no way to change this- I don't think anyway, it just has to be slogged through... what feels better is for me is to have the space to grieve- it's been uncomfortable for me to make this space- I've had to push my family away a bit in order to feel like I can do this 'right'- I realize that you can't push your children away- but maybe make a tiny little bit more space for yourself to grieve- you need it! I hope I havn't offended you in any way by posting this- my situation is different than yours and I don't really know what it is like for you... but I can feel your sorrow like it is my own... one more thought... I can remember being little- 3 or 4? and my mother had a years-long depression that I only knew about later on in my adult life... I can remember that something was 'wrong' with my mommy- I stroked her hand and hugged her to try and make her smile. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't- but I never remember feeling neglected or like I was responsible for her sadness- I was too busy living my enthralled child-life... my mom loved me and I knew it, and that was all that I took from the experience... the important thing was that eventually she was able to come thru her depression and sadness, and was able to mother me through my adult life- and still is even though I'm 36! I am thinking of you, and hope you are able to take in a _deep breath_, and realize your personal strength- I have much admiration for you. -Coral's mom


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

coralsmom,
No offense taken at all. It is amazing how you really hit the nail on the head and understand how i am feeling without me even being able to put it into words! I feel like sometimes I am just saving up my tears for a few minutes alone to spill them all out. Then back to making dinner and helping with homework. I wait now for nap time to cry or just sit and think. Thank you also for your words about how you delt with your mother's depression. I am so worried about scarring my children with my grief. But now that I think of it, I don't remember a whole lot about how my mother was feeling when I was that age either. I was too busy just being a kid! Sometimes it is hard trying to deal with the grief and live, but it is also such a blessing. When I'm at my lowest, I thank god that I have my family and feel so blessed for them. My ds has been extemely helpful with giving me time to grieve. Unfortunatley he has to be away for a week starting on Friday. I only hope I have the strength to get through the week without him! Thankyou with all of my heart and know that I am thinking of you and hope that you are having a good day also! -racekelly


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