# Husband doesn't share sorrow



## Grantsmommy (Jan 18, 2002)

Is anyone else frustrated by their dh's lack of sadness about a miscarriage? I just experienced my first miscarriage at 11 weeks two days ago. I have good moments and bad moments, but am not consumed by grief. My dh just seems to be carrying on like nothing happened. He is usually so sensitive and has been very good about letting me cry when I need to, etc. I told him last night that I feel angry with him because he doesn't seem sad at all. He told me he really isn't. He feels like this is what nature intended because something must have been wrong with the baby. I agree whole-heartedly, but that doesn't mean I don't feel sad. I just don't want to continue to be angry or upset with him. I'm dealing with enough emotions as it is. I know this post probably makes him sound awful, but he really isn't. He's very sensitive. I think that's why I just don't understand how he can be so unaffected.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

I can understand how you feel about your dh. And I don't think it makes you or him seem like a bad person, just normal.

I would like to tell you of my expereince in this area. We lost our baby at 12-13 weeks and dh was definantly sad about it, would cry sometimes, but it took a lot. Like seeing our baby, burying her, etc. I could tell he was being strong for me, or that maybe it was a more surreal experience for him.

Then, when the day came when Stella would have been born, he cried and cried. He was able to really feel the loss at that time, because instead of holding his baby for the first time, looking into eyes looking back, he had the memory of holding her tiny, still body, of burying her. The loss seemed more real for him then. By then, I was able to be strong for him, as he had already allowed me to do so much of my own grieving. Nice that we could do that for each other. When you think about it, it makes sense that a daddy would grieve more at the time of the would-be birth because for them, that's when the relationship would have really begun.

Don't know if that will be true for you or your dh too, but it's good to recognize that everyone grieves differently and at different times too. Try to be thankful that he is allowing a safe place for your grief and try to give him room for his. It might manifest more openly that way.

Take care,
Sarah


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## moon girl (Nov 24, 2001)

We miscarried at 12 weeks and I remember going through similar emotions. It seemed that dh wasn't affected the same way I was. He was so much more affected than I thought but it came out in it's own time and his own process. There are no rules for how one must grieve. It was a difficult time for us. Hang in there, keep the lines of communication open, your dh may feel more than you realize at this point.

Take care of yourself and I'm sorry for your loss.


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