# would anyone NOT recommend a doula?



## crazyrunningmama (Dec 16, 2006)

I was just thinking, I'm always raving about how great doulas are and how much they can help avoid medications, interventions etc. Just wondering if anyone had a doula with a previous pregnancy and felt they were unhelpful?


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## Doberbrat (Aug 2, 2007)

well I was thinking of getting a doula this time around but the hosp just instituted a policy of ONE support person only due to h1n1 since I'm not about to kick dh out over a stranger, the doula idea is out

so check your hosp policy first.


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## busymama77 (Jun 16, 2009)

I couldn't imagine having anyone else there to support me besides my DH. But that's a personal preference for everyone, I guess. And yes, that makes sense to check your hospitals' policies. You never know!!


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## sanguine_speed (May 25, 2005)

I suppose there could be bad doula experiences, but I can't imagine an overall sentiment that doulas are a bad thing.
I had a doula with my third birth and will definitely have one this time too.
I found having another person around very important as I tend to play caregiver and worrier and I know my partner found my previous births very overwhelming--I see a doula as important for us both. I remember my second birth I kept asking DP if HE was okay, lol.


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## MamatoA (Oct 28, 2009)

It depends on you and your partner, if any. And the personality of the doula.

I was planning on hiring a doula and asked my MW for recomendations. Her answer really gave me pause. She said that in her experience, the doula can come between the mom and partner and close the partner out. My DH is quiet, shy guy and I could see him being outside of the birthing process if I had another person in the room. In the end, I interviewed some doulas and asked them pointblank what they thought about this and how they worked to include/support DH. Some had good ideas, some had never considered it before. We decided not to hire a doula and my DH was AWESOME at the birth. No regrets. Just my experience. I'm not anti-doula at all; we just decided not to have one.


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## Veritaserum (Apr 24, 2004)

I've had three births with doulas and two without. Dh and I both prefer having a doula.







He's not comfortable shouldering the responsibility of primary labor support. He's there and he does do helpful things, but he can relax more knowing that if he's not thinking of exactly what I might want/need it's likely that the doula will.

I think the midwife's comments about doulas coming between couples is a little odd. I think it really depends on the couple. Having a doula helps us both relax and enjoy the birth more.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I don't like them. A well trained and loving hubby can do everything that a doula does.

Also, I've been to two births in which the doula "messed with" that loving couple energy. So sad.

My own births were awesome. Just my hubby and my beloved cnm. My hubby was so supportive and did everything I needed.


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## xixstar (Aug 15, 2007)

my husband is my primary support person, but I'm also very high needs and assumed I would be in labor too. I hired a doula to support DH so he could better support me -- it was the best thing we did for my labor.

I love my doula and she totally rocks, but I never once felt that she was my primary support person because it was all about getting attention from dh. She gave him breaks when needed (or mostly distracted me when he was gone) and really just helped out in very peripheral ways -- which was exactly what we wanted.

I don't think a doula has to fill the role of mom's support person, they're very helpful supporting our partners too.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Veritaserum* 
I think the midwife's comments about doulas coming between couples is a little odd.

I don't think it is odd; I understand what she means. Not that she'd TRY to come between the couple - but that it could easily happen if the mom is really needing a lot of support and/or the dad is nervous or underprepared.

I don't think doulas are bad. I think they could be wonderful for single moms or moms with a deployed dp or something like that. But - IMO - there is no bonding like what happens when your dp is your only support person. I think (I HOPE) most men will live up to the expectation and needs of the laboring woman - if the doula isn't there to take over. Not that she would TRY to, but it would be pretty easy for a (first time especially) dad to think "she knows better than I do; I'll just step back and let her do it".


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## clicksab (Oct 15, 2006)

I find this thread very interesting!

I did not have a doula for my first birth because I felt that I didn't want anyone else but DH around. However...I did not have a normal labor and birth. And you know, my DH was amazingly knowledgeable, very supportive, and was pretty much all that I could hope him to be. BUT, there were still things that he couldn't do for me and he was absolutely in need of some support for himself! I was ridiculously clingy and wouldn't even let the poor man pee or give him a break from pressing into my back. We really needed someone else there that I trusted.

So I see the doula as a support for the both of us...and I made sure to hire accordingly. I literally asked every doula we interviewed how they would feel if DH or myself asked them to leave because we needed to be alone. The doula we hired I loved because she was the one who, on her own, asked me lots of questions about my DH and his involvement. She knows that this is all about US.


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## calpurnia (Sep 26, 2004)

i didn't have a doula partly because i knew that dp & two midwives would be there & we have a small flat! an extra person would have been such a squeeze. my midwives were very supportive when dp needed to take a break, & were great mediators when we ended up a hospital transfer.


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## HollyRhea (Jul 17, 2007)

There are as many kinds of doulas as there are women doing it. I've been a doula for three years and have supported a lot of couples with very different dynamics. I always tell them in the initial interview that it's important that the husband is the primary support, as much as he is comfortable. My role is to enhance the experience for both of them because they are BOTH having this baby. If a couple is laboring together in the shower or is doing wonderfully together, I leave the room - accessible but out of the way. And I try very hard to be sensitive to the dynamic between them. If I feel that the husband is stepping back, I rub his back and bring him back to her or subtly suggest a way he can help if he seems lost. I also encourage husbands to go to the baby if the baby's at the warmer - so often they feel like they don't have that permission to be fully involved. Of course not every husband feels this way, and not every couple wants a doula present. I don't think I'm the right fit for every woman and some women really will labor best without an extra person's presence. It's so individual, and I think if you have a sense that the doula isn't necessary for you, she isn't.

I'm also quite biased because the doula we hired for my first baby didn't arrive until I was pushing. My husband and I labored at home for 18 hours (alone) and that experience was like cement for our relationship. It gave me confidence that we could share in the parenting and that I could trust him fully (I had my doubts, we married soon after we discovered we were pregnant).

I also chose not to hire a doula for my second labor. I had a feeling that it wouldn't be necessary, even though I believe in my profession and know that the right doula can be a vital asset to a long labor. I was right, though. My second labor was so fast even the midwives missed it. So in my first labor my husband was my doula, in the second he was the midwife.

HOWEVER! This is my third baby coming in March, and I've enlisted the help of one of the most experienced doulas I know. I would really like to experience that female support this time, and third babies can be wild cards. Who knows what this labor will be like. We're also having a homebirth and man, it can get messy. Doulas are good for that sort of thing, too. My role at homebirths often turns into cook/laundress/babysitter/housekeeper.

So even if a doula isn't what you want now, you may feel differently later or vice-versa.


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## nina_yyc (Nov 5, 2006)

I can't remember where I read this (maybe A Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth? Birthing from Within?) but a significant portion of men do not fully take on the role of support person/labor coach.

We should all be so blessed to have the perfect partner and the perfect relationship and a manageable labor, but it really isn't realistic to assume this will happen for everyone.

I had a 48+ hour labor ending in c-section. I really don't think it's fair to expect your partner to support you for that long with no breaks, then turn around and help you out with the first few days of newborn life. If you're in doubt, be prepared.


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## HisBeautifulWife (Jun 18, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nina_yyc* 
I had a 48+ hour labor ending in c-section. I really don't think it's fair to expect your partner to support you for that long with no breaks, then turn around and help you out with the first few days of newborn life. If you're in doubt, be prepared.

Why not? If you have to go through it with no breaks what makes them exempt?


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## crunchy_mama (Oct 11, 2004)

I had one w/ number #1 and she was fine and dandy, but I didn't w/ #2 and will not with #3 as well. I think it does depend on your personality and the relationship between you and your dh. But I certainly don't see it as a necessity for a natural birth. For me I like more privacy and there is no way that a doula could anyway replicate that wonderful support that dh provided me and I really don't want someone else in our space in such an intimate thing. It was a wonderful bonding experience and I can see that having someone else there could get in the way of that because my trust and feelings towards him and his towards me are just entirely different. Dh always knows exactly what I need or can figure it out- even if I am in my labor zone(which for me means I don't talk)- he is the best cheerleader and can be papa bear when needed.


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## wrappedupmama (Dec 4, 2007)

I'm a volunteer doula, currently taking a break since I just had my own baby recently. I decided against having a doula for myself. I don't like touched or "comforted" when in pain. A lot of what most doulas have been trained to do, and would encourage my husband to do, would be of little use and actually make me upset. I'm also a very private person and don't want many people around (I UCed my second, almost did my first child and regret not doing it the first time around). However, I now in a way wish I did have my doula friend present at my birth to watch my DD. My husband did wonderful managing everything, but he was so busy between me and DD that he didn't probably enjoy the birth as much as he could have. If we have more children I may have someone around to help with my other kids next time. Though, I might not, we'll have to see. I really like my privacy in labor


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## Mamabeakley (Jul 9, 2004)

I am a doula but I've never had a doula myself, and probably never will. DH is awesome labor support and we plan home births.

However, I would unilaterally recommend a doula to any woman/couple planning a hospital birth. When couples say "we want it to be just us" I gently point out that in the hospital it WON'T be: there will be at least 5 - 6 people in and out of the room none of whom will be primarily responsible for meeting either partner's emotional/physical/ mental support needs. I think I am often more useful to the partner than to the mama - because the partner is providing her support, I'm backup for the partner.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nina_yyc* 
I can't remember where I read this (maybe A Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth? Birthing from Within?) but a significant portion of men do not fully take on the role of support person/labor coach.

You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?


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## onlyboys (Feb 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?

Yes, this is true. He *should* support his partner. Nevertheless, there are women who find themselves laboring with an unsupportive partner. Maybe they shouldn't be having a baby with this person, but they are, and they deserve support. A doula is perfect in this case.

For my births, I didn't have a doula but I also have a husband who is incredibly supportive.


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## Sk8ermaiden (Feb 13, 2008)

My husband was all the support I could ever ask for with my labor. He was just amazing and the nurses/midwives (not to mention me, of course!) all loved him for it. I did not get to push my baby out, but I did labor to 10 and then push for 9 hours naturally and there is no way on earth I could have done it without him.

That said, my mom was also there. She provided him breaks (he was putting counterpressure on my back - poor guy's hands hurt for days.







), brought both of us drinks/snacks, and occasionally piped up to give us her opinion. She was invaluable too. Now, even though she was awesome outwardly, the fact that we had to transfer (non-emergency) really scared and shook her and I am not sure she will be at the next birth (HBAC).

If she is not there, we are having a doula, no two ways about it. I am sure I cold do it just DH and me, but a doula will just make it so much easier. And the doula I would pick is also a Bradley coach, so she is all about the mom/dad energy and just being peripheral support.

As for:

Quote:

I really don't think it's fair to expect your partner to support you for that long with no breaks, then turn around and help you out with the first few days of newborn life. If you're in doubt, be prepared.
I kind of agree. I think we expect "good" or "involved" husbands to take care of wife and baby after birth and mom is just expected to rest. Dad has been through the wringer too. After my labor and then transfer and cesarean, we was twice as wiped as I was. He crashed for 13 hours as soon as we were in recovery, while I stayed up for another 8 hours and only slept in tiny spurts for the next 24 hours (and didn't really feel tired). I think I may still have gotten the benefits of all the hormones. He refused to take more than a couple seconds break during labor, but he sure could have used one!


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## leavemealone (Feb 16, 2005)

I have found that when I am in labor, I don't necessarily want my DH around. That may make me a bad wife, but he annoys me during labor. LOL I found I wanted him around when I was pushing, but not during the actual labor. I don't know what it is, maybe b/c he is very medically minded and believes that drs know all, hospitals are always the best place to have a baby, and epidurals can cure almost everything. He gets nervous and wants somebody to do something to "fix" that pain I am having. Try as he might, as a man, he will never understand what labor is like. I think he thought a doula was a crazy idea at first, but he now recommends a doula to his friends who are having babies. I don't want tons of people around, but having someone who has been through labor before has helped me in the past. Her presence really did help put him at ease during labor.


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## Veritaserum (Apr 24, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten* 
I don't think it is odd; I understand what she means. Not that she'd TRY to come between the couple - but that it could easily happen if the mom is really needing a lot of support and/or the dad is nervous or underprepared.

I don't think doulas are bad. I think they could be wonderful for single moms or moms with a deployed dp or something like that. But - IMO - there is no bonding like what happens when your dp is your only support person. I think (I HOPE) most men will live up to the expectation and needs of the laboring woman - if the doula isn't there to take over. Not that she would TRY to, but it would be pretty easy for a (first time especially) dad to think "she knows better than I do; I'll just step back and let her do it".

Well, we did it without doulas for our first two. There wasn't any special bonding. I didn't get the support I needed. He wanted to help me, but he did not know how. He was frustrated because I needed help and he couldn't give it to me. He was relieved when I suggested that we get a doula with our third baby because he knew that she could either give him suggestions or provide support herself, which was _fine_ for me and dh. I was happy to get the support I needed and he was happy to know that I was getting it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nina_yyc* 
We should all be so blessed to have the perfect partner and the perfect relationship and a manageable labor, but it really isn't realistic to assume this will happen for everyone.

Exactly.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that *if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children*. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?

Wow! What an inflammatory comment. My husband is a wonderful man who just doesn't happen to be gifted at labor support. It's not like he's cold and callous and unwilling to be present. He simply likes a quieter role. I'm perfectly fine with that and in no way feel abandoned by him. I think it's unfair to expect that your husband is going to provide perfect labor support. If it happens, great, but if your man _doesn't_ happen to be good at labor support it *does not* mean that he's uncaring or worthless.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Veritaserum* 
My husband is a wonderful man who just doesn't happen to be gifted at labor support.

You've had five babies with a man who can't support you properly through your labors? That makes me feel so sad. What stories will you tell your sons about their birth days? My son hears how amazing his dad was and how we did the work of birthing together and how we felt closer than ever after each birth. It was truly a peak experience in BOTH of our lives.


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## meganmarie (Jan 29, 2005)

Quote:

Originally Posted by philomom
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?
Agree with veritaserum, this comment seems more judgmental than it needs to be. There is such a thing as a loving, supportive husband that does his very best but can't be everything you need in labor. My husband is a ball of stress during childbirth. He is filled with fear and anxiety, he knows the situation is not in his control and he worries about worst case scenarios. This is who he is, and I love him despite this. Because we all have flaws. So as much as my husband stepped up to stand by me, hold my hand and rub my back during labor, thank God we had the doula there to calm him down and reassure him that everything was going to be ok. That emotional support for HIM allowed him to be there for me.


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## Sk8ermaiden (Feb 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You've had five babies with a man who can't support you properly through your labors? That makes me feel so sad. What stories will you tell your sons about their birth days? My son hears how amazing his dad was and how we did the work of birthing together and how we felt closer than ever after each birth. It was truly a peak experience in BOTH of our lives.

Wow, that is really judgmental. I happen to have a man who IS perfect labor support, but I would not love him any less if he wasn't. Nor would the births of my children be any less special. And just because he couldn't be 100% of what she needed in labor doesn't mean the births of their children were any less a "peak" experience.

Every person has strengths and weakness. My husband is completely incapable of being romantic (The "You want flowers, I'll plant you a rosebush" kind of guy who shows me his love by inflating my tires - he even forgot to actually propose to me when he gave me the ring), and doesn't know how to start communication when I am upset at him. I can be lazy and impulsive. We have a great marriage and I love him more every day.

This men being the labor support is a pretty new idea in the scheme of things, and I believe that is probably because most of them are just not hardwired for it. Sure, they can learn, but some will take to it better than others.


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## nina_yyc (Nov 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HisBeautifulWife* 
Why not? If you have to go through it with no breaks what makes them exempt?


Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?

That makes it sound like if you enlist additional support, your relationship sucks and it's your own fault for not finding the perfect partner. That's not a thought that really helps anyone at 7cm.


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## JamieCatheryn (Dec 31, 2005)

I did best without one. If I have people to rely on I look to them for help with things they can't do anything about, that needs to come from inner strength or from God. I'm sure a doula wouldn't have gotten between DH and me, but I didn't want to feel like I was leaning on him either. He kept me company a lot, and a couple of tough parts he was there to help me know I could do it, but mostly I felt I was just having my baby myself, not worrying about support or help. For me, a doula would have made it into a bigger deal and therefore harder thing than it needed to be.


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## annekh23 (Nov 1, 2008)

I think it takes a lot of self and couple examination to really know what is going to be best for you and to then find a person that meets those needs.

I don't think I'd even heard of doulas when I had my first, we lived in the UK then and I think doulas are a lot more unusual there. It seemed like society was telling us birth was something that should be between husband and wife. When it came to the crunch, I needed to be induced and even though we thought we'd prepared, we didn't really have a clue and I lost the plot, so they turned of the pit and pretty much demanded I had an epidural before they turned it back on. What I really wish is that I'd asked my mum to come with me, there was no way we could plan for her to be present, as they lived too far away and were working full time, but as I was induced before my due date, they were actually staying with us and ended up taking me to the hospital. I'm pretty confident she'd have got me through without the epidural, we'd been planning a homebirth, but when I found I needed to be induced, my midwife suggested getting an epi before they even started, it was only at my mum's encouragement that I even tried without.

As well as being induced, it was fast, so when planning for my 2nd birth, I seriously considered a doula, but decided in the end that I didn't want to take the risk of them not making it. It turned out to be horrific and I think really was a situation where the epidural was a good idea. It was one of those rare births where a c-section would have been a better outcome, I don't know if a doula would have helped or not. The person I would have used was my postpartum doula and she was very supportive as a processed it afterwards and had I had another birth in that area, I would definitely have used her as a doula, but by that time I knew her pretty well and it would have been more like a trained friend.

We'd moved by the time I had my 3rd and I revisited the doula question and had pretty much decided to skip it because we were planning a homebirth with a midwife and though they were a team of two, they arranged it so we got to know both of them. However, it ended up that I needed a c-section and I did ask a friend to be with me, which was fantastic and didn't hinder anything with my husband, it just allowed him to concentrate on the baby when that was needed and for me not to feel completely alone. There is a lot going on in the operating room and I didn't even grasp things like the sex of the baby without my friend right there talking directly to me.


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## Veritaserum (Apr 24, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You've had five babies with a man who can't support you properly through your labors? That makes me feel so sad. What stories will you tell your sons about their birth days? My son hears how amazing his dad was and how we did the work of birthing together and how we felt closer than ever after each birth. It was truly a peak experience in BOTH of our lives.

No one explained to me before we got married that my marital happiness depended upon his theretofore untested labor support ability.







I'm glad to realize that my marital happiness _doesn't_ depend on this and that my supportive, loving, and realistic partner understood that my labor support needs would be best met by hiring a doula.

My children will hear their father talk about how amazing their MOTHER was and how wonderful it was for them to be born into a loving and relaxed environment. It was loving and relaxed _because_ my husband felt supported by my doula (and midwife) and was therefore able to be where I needed him to be. We felt closer than ever after each birth and the births of our babies have been some of the best moments in our lives.


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## crazyrunningmama (Dec 16, 2006)

Wow, some of these comments. I don't really "get it" why anyone wouldn't want a doula (which is why I started this thread) but I never thought people would be so defensive about their choice to rely soley on their dp. It makes me laugh because I saw it as a strength of my dh's and of our relationship that _he_ said "get a doula, get two if you like, I want to make sure you have all the support you need". He was very very concerned that he wouldn't be able to support me as completely as I would need and he thought it might damage our relationship if he let me down (which I know has happened in other marriages). And yet, I am completely happy to be bearing another one of his children! How amazing! He is the best, most involved, thoughtful, caring dad ever. But he knew damn well that he could never know enough about labour to be my only support. While it is a huge and significant experience for him and for us, I'm the one squeezing out the baby, it is all about me. And surprisingly, during my 36 hour labour he needed to *pee* and *eat* (so selfish, I know







). Anyway, I will certainly be having one again this time.


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## Friday13th (Jun 13, 2006)

Ignoring all the talk of not having children with men who can't support you in labor, which I find ridiculous, I chose not to have a doula.

I am a very private person, I have a hard time opening to anyone, especially women and especially someone I haven't known long. I don't like strangers or relative strangers touching me or seeing me in pain. I trust DH completely, we've been together for 10 years and he's the only one I'm comfortable being around when I'm vunerable.

We had a planned hospital birth with midwives that involved 3 days of labor at home, another 24 hours at the hospital, 2.5 hours of pushing and then a csection. The midwives, who I knew and was comfortable with were wonderful in providing the calming voice in the background I needed but DH did the touching and physical support (he's quiet and not terribly good a verbal reassurance) The midwives were great about getting DH something to eat and letting him sit down when we got to the hospital and I felt comfortable in their hands when he was gone.

I wish we had someone who would have come to our house after the first day of labor and recognized I was in a really strange labor pattern and that the baby was posterior and could have pointed that out. We would have known what to do ourselves but just didn't have the clarity to see that my labor wasn't just progressing a little slowly but was kind of strange (paralyzing contractions, 5 minutes apart for days and crippling agony when I needed to pee). But to this day I still wouldn't have wanted another person there.


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## callieollie (Jan 2, 2007)

I hired a doula with our first baby and it was not a good match. She wasn't helpful at all. I wasn't going to get one with our second baby, but at the last minute decided too and am so glad that I did. I LOVED our doulas and found their support invaluable.

I also take offense to the comment that if your dh isn't skilled in labor support that you shouldn't have married them. My dh was incredibly supportive of my decisions during the pregnancy and of me during labor. He told me what an amazing job I was doing and helped with some of the tools her learned using Hypnobabies. But, with our first baby, he was not able to provide the labor support that I needed. He desperately wanted too but he was overwhelmed himself by the labor (it was 28 hours of back labor that ended in a hospital transfer with lots of interventions). He didn't know how to help me, nothing helped, and he hated seeing the woman he loved in so much pain. He was afraid of making things worse by trying to help me so felt it was best to have the midwives and doulas do what they were trained to do. He wanted what was best for me because he loved me and wanted the pain to go away, not because he didn't care about me and that he's a horrible husband I never should have married because he also had his own emotional reaction to labor. I am rambling, but am just so shocked by the closeminded and judgemental attitude that was made.


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## Realrellim (Feb 1, 2006)

Like many others here, I think it depends on your personality. I didn't need one last time and I preferred laboring by myself. When I suspected I was in active labor, it was 3 am and I just dealt with it and let DH sleep until he woke up on his own around 5:30. I'm also the kind of person who prefers to run by alone rather than with a running partner or group for support, so it makes sense that I'd rather be left alone in labor for the most part.

A lot of people really like and appreciate having a doula, so it just depends on your personality.


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## erin23kate (Apr 16, 2009)

I think it depends on the couple.

My husband has been known to pass out at the sight of blood and has a hard time handling my migraines (he gets upset and just wants to make me feel better; he'll ask if I need to go to the hospital regularly). He gets really worried for me whenever I have anything even vaguely medical going on, and, knowing him, he would dig vicodin out of the cabinet and let me snort it if I asked him for drugs. I love his concern for me, but depending on him for primary support would be impractical and frankly too much to ask.

So.... it depends on the couple. For us, we need another support person to even have a chance at a natural birth. Luckily, my mom is a doula.


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## Bluegoat (Nov 30, 2008)

I am finding some of the comments about husbands being worthless if they aren't good at labour support really - bizarre.

We are expecting a lot of a person who has probably never seen a birth in real life, who hasn't ever been pregnant, and who's significant other is in a very different and high tension situation, to be able to be the perfect labour support person. New doulas, midwives and doctors are expected to be a little overwhelmed at their first birth, why would a husband, who likely has less background info, be any different. And it is very hard to be a good support person if your own fears and emotions are more active than normal.

And not all women have great personalities for labouring or labour support. They can still be great moms. Why would anyone think that men would be any different?

A good doula can be great for a man that wants to be involved, but needs someone to show him how to help. And two people to support mom in a long birth does not seem excessive to me in many situations.


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## CallMeMommy (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?

Um, wow. I find that incredibly insulting and holier-than-though.


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## CallMeMommy (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bluegoat* 
And not all women have great personalities for labouring or labour support. They can still be great moms. Why would anyone think that men would be any different?

Excellent point. I holed myself up in the bathroom and didn't want my husband near me. How was he *supposed* to support me? I wanted my midwife next to me.


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## daisymama12 (Jul 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You've had five babies with a man who can't support you properly through your labors? That makes me feel so sad. W*hat stories will you tell your sons about their birth days?* My son hears how amazing his dad was and how we did the work of birthing together and how we felt closer than ever after each birth. It was truly a peak experience in BOTH of our lives.

I had a hypnobirthing coach for DS#1, and no extra support for #2.
My kids often want to hear the story of their births, so we tell them; Mama was calm, Daddy was nervous and put the mail in the fridge (true).

The story is told warmly, lovingly, and with a lot of humour. They love the stories of their births, despite the fact that my DH is not as perfect at labour support as your DH is


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## earthyamber (Apr 9, 2007)

In both of my labors, I never used a doula. Although, I LOVE doulas and think they are amazing and so helpful for so many people. I didn't use one because I am a very private person and like to labor in silence and alone (with just dh and midwife). I don't like being touched in labor and I like to sit outside by myself while in labor. It is my way of focusing and getting into my zone. So, for me, not having a doula was best. However, I think they are awesome for others!


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## Doberbrat (Aug 2, 2007)

if my husband WOULD NOT (as in refused ) to support me during birth I'd know I married the wrong man (although alot of good it does me at that moment)

if he COULD NOT (doesnt know how to, is overwhelmed himself, I shut him out, whatever) its not his fault and best if I seek outside support.

a doula really is probably a great idea for me - however, due to current hospital regs w/h1n1, its not an option unless I want to kick dh out.

and while I might want to during the course of my labor, its his baby too and he has the right and obligation to participate to the best of his ability.


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## AnnieNimIty (Nov 14, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HisBeautifulWife* 
Why not? If you have to go through it with no breaks what makes them exempt?

Because a support person can't help you or make decisions for you (sometimes they need to) if they are functioning on the same level as you are. Food, toilet breaks and sometimes naps are necessary for them even if you aren't getting them when you want them.

My husband worked a 10 hour day when my first daughter was born, and he has a very physical job. I went into the hospital in the middle of the night to give birth, and I don't hold it against him one bit that he fell asleep.
Granted, this time we hired a doula to help if a situation like that arises again.


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## acemama (Feb 9, 2008)

We didn't hire a doula until baby #3 and it was the greatest birth! My DH was the most involved with that birth compared to the first 2. We took classes and prepared the first two times, but labor support just didn't come naturally to him. He pulled out his notes from class to read up on support while I was in labor, which just didn't cut it







He tried his best, but was just overwhelmed at the power of labor. With #3 our doula greatly encouraged my husband which boosted his confidence and ability to support me. He was totally hands on and not reading notes







She did not get in the way, and that is NOT the doula's role to take over for dad.

Now, that I'm a doula I tell couples that it is also my job to help support dad support mom. I am more than willing to step aside or out of the room to give them alone time, but ready to step in when I see dad get that "deer in headlights look." You never now how dad may respond to seeing his partner in pain and most dads have never seen birth which can be overhwhelming at times.


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## erin_brycesmom (Nov 5, 2005)

I always recommend them for hospital births but not for homebirths. I don't advise against them for homebirths or anything but it's more of a grey area to me and depends on the specific situation.

FWIW, my husband is a great support to me during labor but I find a doula is less for "support" and more for pain management techniques. Pain management was a full time job and having a doula there for that left dh open 100% to support me.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Veritaserum* 
No one explained to me before we got married that my marital happiness depended upon his theretofore untested labor support ability.


I had a bad case of food poisoning while I dated my dh. He held my head and gave me sips of water and made sure I didn't pass out in the bathroom. I knew then I'd be safe with him no matter what I might face in this life.


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## dmpmercury (Mar 31, 2008)

I thought I wouldn't really want a doula and didn't think I want someone besides my husband at the birth so I didn't get one for my first birth. It seemed so expensive and I didn't quite get the purpose since I'm a private introverted person. Looking back I think I would of had a much better experience with a doula. My partner was supportive and knew my wishes but he didn't have the confidence or as much knowledge as a doula would have. A doula would of been a more confident voice to the way I was treated by the on call OB. I didn't realize how vulnerable I would be in labor. Normally I can stand up for my beliefs when need be but in labor you are in a very vulnerable position and my dh just didn't want to see me in pain.

My second birth went much smoother and even though I didn't even use the doula very long it was nice to have somone who stood up to the nurses and made my needs known or who could of stood up to a doctor reccomendation that was not needed. I also didn't realize the strong prescence a women has during labor. I think she helped my husband too and they both could were there for me at the very end when I needed them.

That said I would hate for my husband not to be at the birth of our children if I had to choose between the two. That would stink. I definately reccomend doulas for hospital births because you want a supportive team. It makes all the difference in a experience.


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## jillc512 (Aug 31, 2005)

For my first two births (both hospital, one induced), I did not have a doula and should have. Both times, I hit transition and asked for an epidural. With DS, I got the epi 12 minutes before he was born; with DD, the anesthesiologist came in just as I started pushing (thank goodness!). Even though I thought I knew a lot about comfort measures, positioning, etc., and had told DH what I thought I would need in labor, I mostly just glared at him when he suggested I change positions (after all, what does HE know about labor?). I did not believe him when he tried to encourage me. I should have had someone there who knew about labor and birth and was supportive of natural birth. The nurses were all too happy to run for the drugs even when I was 9 cm, and DH wasn't about to stand between me and pain relief.

Now I'm a doula and midwife's assistant myself, and believe doulas are highly beneficial for first births (when neither of you know how you will react to labor) and hospital births (where help with decision-making, mediation with HCPs, and protecting your privacy can be necessary).

I agree that a good doula will talk to you a lot about the husband/partner's planned role at the birth. At a recent birth, the father had a fear of being "grandmothered"/condescended to and really wanted to be the primary support person for his wife. I made sure I talked with him as an equal, asked for his input, and was careful to stay on the periphery of things, only stepping in when it looked like they might need a new suggestion or when he needed a break. He was the physical support: holding her hand, letting her lean on him, rubbing her shoulders, just being there. I was the verbal support: encouraging her, answering questions, and making sure her wishes were communicated to the medical staff. At this birth, both roles were necessary, and could not both be done by the husband.


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## KristyDi (Jun 5, 2007)

I think my Dh needs the doula more than I do. We didn't have one at w/ dd and next time I either want to hire one or have my sister act as my doula. My DH is a wonderful, loving, supportive man. He just has trouble asking questions and offering alternatives when a dr even gently makes a suggestion. He gets overwhelmed, especially when I'm in pain. Add in the crazy instructors I was unfortunate enough to find for our Bradley class who made dh totally insecure, uncomfortable and resentful about the whole process and DH just isn't equipped to deal with being every single thing I need in labor. He was great about physically supporting me w/ massage, getting pillows and water etc, and distracting me, calming me down, and making me laugh. I just need someone educated about natural birth to support both of us and help us navigate past unnecessary interventions.

ETA not condeming Bradley at all, just those particular instructors w/ my next pregnancy I'll take another Bradley with other instructors.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
I don't like them. A well trained and loving hubby can do everything that a doula does.

Also, I've been to two births in which the doula "messed with" that loving couple energy. So sad.

My own births were awesome. Just my hubby and my beloved cnm. My hubby was so supportive and did everything I needed.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?

I'm glad that you had such a good experience with your dh during your labors. It's neat that his personality fits so well with what you need during that time. I think it's sad that you so handily dismiss so many good husbands and fathers just because they aren't perfectly equipped to be exactly every single thing their wives need while giving birth.

To suggest that because my dh wasn't the best labor support person that I shouldn't have considered having kids with him is incredibly condescending to both he and I.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KristyDi* 
I think it's sad that you so handily dismiss so many good husbands and fathers just because they aren't perfectly equipped to be exactly every single thing their wives need while giving birth.

You carry the child in your own body for nine months and risk life and limb to give birth to his child and he can't be your best labor support? Do you have any idea how horrible that sounds to us? I think my dh and I do have a point here.... sorry that you disagree. This is a forum.. a place where ideas get exchanged, judged and tossed around.

Our Bradley classes were the best.... they completely empowered my hubby and educated him on everything. We did toss out the idea that he was my coach, though. I find coaching and cheerleading irritating.


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## Happiestever (May 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You carry the child in your own body for nine months and risk life and limb to give birth to his child and he can't be your best labor support? Do you have any idea how horrible that sounds to us? I think my dh and I do have a point here.... sorry that you disagree. This is a forum.. a place where ideas get exchanged, judged and tossed around.

Our Bradley classes were the best.... they completely empowered my hubby and educated him on everything. We did toss out the idea that he was my coach, though. I find coaching and cheerleading irritating.

WOW, just wow.
Your husband must be Mr Perfect! I hope he is as good a provider, father, lover, confidant, and all around person to be put on such a high pedestal next to yourself. Saying that men need to be everything for you at all times seems a little much to me.
Doulas are not always necessary but isn't it nice when the dad can spend time with the kids while mom is in labor? If mom wanted someone to rub her back, while dad is setting up the birth pool that makes him a bad father? Does that too make the mom a bad person because she wants a woman next to her?
A father reading to his child before bed time while mom labors alone unhindered sounds like a wonderful thing to me. A doula can be a wonderful too. Perhaps she has had her own children and KNOWS exactly how it feels to be in labor for 30 hours.
A husband may be educated about birth, but a vague idea of what it truly feels like may not count for much when they are trying to comfort you. Sometimes a woman just knows best and vice versa. And sometimes a woman doesn't need anyone. Ultimately it is a dance between our bodies and the babies making their way earthside. However we choose to do things, a woman should never be made to feel looked down upon because of their partners, no matter what you think.

Next time you should think how painful your words are when written before posting them for the world to see. You should be ashamed that you said something so hurtful to a mother and a father.


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## jillc512 (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You carry the child in your own body for nine months and risk life and limb to give birth to his child and he can't be your best labor support? Do you have any idea how horrible that sounds to us? I think my dh and I do have a point here.... sorry that you disagree. This is a forum.. a place where ideas get exchanged, judged and tossed around.

Our Bradley classes were the best.... they completely empowered my hubby and educated him on everything. We did toss out the idea that he was my coach, though. I find coaching and cheerleading irritating.

I still find this idea nonsensical. If I were to make a list of all the qualities my ideal husband would have, "ability to be my sole support while I'm in labor" would be pretty low on the list. I get that you believe this is an indicator of a man's ability to be caring and supportive in general. However, labor is a rare (for most people) event that can require a type of support that is different from most other life events. If you find that the support you need (or think you'll need) and the support your husband can provide do not match up, it is in everyone's best interest to hire a doula.

(I agree with you about the cheerleading, though.)


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## 3tammuz (Apr 30, 2008)

No time to read all responses. I had a doula with my first. I prefer to be alone and labor on my own. I read my body changes and really don't like anything hands on. I did not use my doula and have not had one for my other three (no plans to have one for my next one, #4, #5 were/are VBACs). It is just me and the way I labor.


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## Brown Lioness (Dec 28, 2005)

*coming out of lurkdom*

I mean, is it POSSIBLE to have a doula to be a back-up? Like, not there, but on-call while you labor should my husband and I need them?

My husband and I go back and forth on this and I'm not even pregnant. He feels its insulting to a hired to doula to do what he feels is "his job". I feel like a doula would be there to take care of BOTH of us (you know, should he need to pee, eat, sleep, plus he has a bad back and if get into that "hang on his shoulders" thing, with his bad back, that would last all of 5 mins and i'd be left trying to cope lol).

It seems like the most sensical, middle-of-the-road solution would be to just hire a doula to be on stand-by status. Has anyone ever done that?


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## Birdie B. (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You carry the child in your own body for nine months and risk life and limb to give birth to his child and he can't be your best labor support? Do you have any idea how horrible that sounds to us? I think my dh and I do have a point here.... sorry that you disagree. This is a forum.. a place where ideas get exchanged, judged and tossed around.

Our Bradley classes were the best.... they completely empowered my hubby and educated him on everything. We did toss out the idea that he was my coach, though. I find coaching and cheerleading irritating.

The way I interpret this is that she is saying what is best for her, not what is best for everyone else. I happen to agree with her, that I wouldn't want to be with a man who is unsupportive to me while I am pregnant/laboring/caring for his child. I see so many threads and posts on here where women ask for help convincing their husband to consider her needs/wishes for the birth - she wants a homebirth and he won't "allow" it; she needs some attention/support during labor and he blows her off, etc. It just makes me sad, because I cannot relate.

I'm not saying they are terrible husbands, just not husbands that I would want. I don't want this to be taken the wrong way, because I'm not saying that this is true for everyone; only for me. And philomom feels the same way. I'm sure she's not trying to be hurtful; I'm certainly not. I'm just saying what's true for me. I hope I am explaining this in a decent way.









As for doulas - I would hire one if I planned a hospital birth, but not for a homebirth. My midwife and husband are enough support at home.


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## Veritaserum (Apr 24, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Birdie B.* 
The way I interpret this is that she is saying what is best for her, not what is best for everyone else. I happen to agree with her, that I wouldn't want to be with a man who is unsupportive to me while I am pregnant/laboring/caring for his child. I see so many threads and posts on here where women ask for help convincing their husband to consider her needs/wishes for the birth - she wants a homebirth and he won't "allow" it; she needs some attention/support during labor and he blows her off, etc. It just makes me sad, because I cannot relate.

See, here's the thing. My husband is *completely, totally, 100% supportive of home birth, natural childbirth, and anything else I want or need during pregnancy, birth, and postpartum*. He does NOT "blow me off". He is exactly where I need him to be. My happiness and comfort are _extremely_ important to him (and me







), which is why we BOTH prefer to have a doula there! I get what I need and he gets what he needs. It's a win-win!









I think philomom was pretty clearly saying that any man who isn't supportive _in the way her husband is supportive_ isn't _truly_ supportive.







_That_ is what is rubbing so many of us the wrong way.









*There are different ways of showing support.* Hiring a doula is _one_ way of showing support to a laboring mom just as a husband providing it himself is _another_ way. Just because one couple prefers the husband to provide primary labor support doesn't mean that it's undesirable for another loving, committed, mutually supportive couple to hire a doula.

The important thing is to realize that every woman's preferences and needs are different, not all men are cut out to provide fantastic labor support (which does NOT mean that they are scum unworthy of fatherhood







), and doulas _can be_ a very helpful addition to the birth team.


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## nutritionistmom (Jun 16, 2007)

I didn't have a doula for either of my births but I am a doula in training so obviously I think they have their place.
And here's a little food for thought (and does not represent the views held by the poster







)

*Sorry: Here's the link. http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandsty...th-labour-baby It's pretty clear in the article he's talking about fathers, not male birth professional.*

*Men should not attend the birth of their child says leading obstetrician
*
October 18, 2009 by Shawn Douglas
Filed under News, Pregnancy

"The ideal birth environment involves no men in general," said Dr. Odent to the Observer.

"Having been involved for more than 50 years in childbirths in homes and hospitals in France, England and Africa, the best environment I know for an easy birth is where there is nobody around the woman in labor apart from a silent, low-profile and experienced midwife-and no doctor and no husband, nobody else."


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## KristyDi (Jun 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You carry the child in your own body for nine months and risk life and limb to give birth to his child and *he can't be your best labor support?* Do you have any idea how horrible that sounds to us? I think my dh and I do have a point here.... sorry that you disagree. This is a forum.. a place where ideas get exchanged, judged and tossed around.

Our Bradley classes were the best.... they completely empowered my hubby and educated him on everything. We did toss out the idea that he was my coach, though. I find coaching and cheerleading irritating.

I expect him to support me in the best way he is able to and he does. If his best isn't exactly what I need that dosen't make him unworthy to father kids. You seem to think that if every man just tried a little harder of learned enough then he could be the perfect labor support person. And if he's not everything the wife needs then he's being lazy and unsupportive.

My dh would need to undergo a major personality shift in how he deals with stressful situations in order for him to fill the role I'd like a doula to fill in my next birth. Plus he'd have to learn a whole lot more about natural birth and hospital interventions. I think it would be selfish of me to ask that he change his personality when I could just ask my sister to be there and act as our doula. When there's a gap between his best and what mom needs then a doula is a great option.

Does your DH not have any areas of weakness that you are aware of deal with and forgive because you love him?


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## Plummeting (Dec 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mamabeakley* 
However, I would unilaterally recommend a doula to any woman/couple planning a hospital birth. When couples say "we want it to be just us" I gently point out that in the hospital it WON'T be: there will be at least 5 - 6 people in and out of the room none of whom will be primarily responsible for meeting either partner's emotional/physical/ mental support needs. I think I am often more useful to the partner than to the mama - because the partner is providing her support, I'm backup for the partner.

Now I know women can't always count on having a great hospital birth, but _sometimes_ they can. We had an awesome hospital m/w with DD and the birth was absolutely fantastic. There weren't 5-6 people in and out of the room ever! There was 1 nurse who saw me when I first came in and filled asked me all the standard questions (are you going to get the epidural, etc.) and I didn't like her (she insisted I would want it and was going to put me down for it) so I had DH go to the desk and tell them we weren't compatable and wanted someone else. After that, I got an AWESOME nurse who did everything I imagine a doula would've done (pushed on my back, helped me relax, etc.) and my m/w. No one else ever came into the room at all - not a single person. I don't even know why 5 or 6 people would've needed to come in, unless it had been a long labor and there had been a few shift changes.

I don't think it's accurate to tell women that there will be a whole parade of people in and out of the room, when it just as likely won't happen. I know one of my sisters had one nurse, one OB and one anesthesiologist (for the epidural) the whole time she was in labor and the other sister also had one nurse and one OB the whole time she was in labor at the birth I attended (I can't say for the others). Small sample size, but we birthed in three different hospitals in two different states, and there's nothing unusual about our births, which were all three different - one short and completely drug-free, one short with pitocin but no epidural, and one average length with the epidural and then pitocin because the epidural stalled her labor.


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## Doberbrat (Aug 2, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Plummeting* 
I don't think it's accurate to tell women that there will be a whole parade of people in and out of the room, when it just as likely won't happen.

I had a pit induction w/dd due to PIH. The only people to ever come into my room were 1 nurse, the anesthesiologist and his resident (b/c I have back issues and was considered a complicated case), and the ob who delivered dd.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nutritionistmom* 
I didn't have a doula for either of my births but I am a doula in training so obviously I think they have their place.
And here's a little food for thought (and does not represent the views held by the poster







)

*Men should not attend the birth of their child says leading obstetrician
*
October 18, 2009 by Shawn Douglas
Filed under News, Pregnancy

Men attending the birth of their child can make labor 'more painful and more difficult' for women claims the doctor.

Many men are excited about their new children and want to be with their partner when she gives birth. However, a leading obstetrician claims that during childbirth men create problems for the birthing woman and should have no part of the birth environment.

Dr. Michel Odent, a Frenchman and administrator for the Primal Health Research charity in London, links high expectations of men in the birth environment to the "industrialization of childbirth".


So does that mean that Odent is no longer going to attend births, being that he's male? And is he going to apologize to the 50 years worth of women he screwed up by being at their births as a male?


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## felix23 (Nov 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
So does that mean that Odent is no longer going to attend births, being that he's male? And is he going to apologize to the 50 years worth of women he screwed up by being at their births as a male?


Yeah, that article makes no sense unless Odent is planning on giving up his career and saying that all of the births he attended in the past were messed up by him being there.


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## ~Leonor~ (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?


Labor support is much more complicated than feeding chicken soup to a male with a case of man flu. It requires not only a deep level of compassion, but moreover something that's not bound to the state of the relationship: knowledge of the birthing process and psychological insight, communication experience with medical personnel ( in case of hospital births) and the ability to stay focused and calm.

Now see, some of these things are not easily acquired and in no way reflective of the relationship, amount of love or potential parenting abilities. So why...why exactly should one not have children in that case?

My husband has a terrible, terrible phobia of blood. He cut his finger badly last week, bad enough to requires a bandage that needs daily changing. I do it...because the second someone comes close to the wound he is about to faint, he feels queasy and completely out of control. He looks upwards as to not lose consciousness. Note I said phobia, fear is irrational.

Or imagine a couple where the husband works a lot to support his family. He might have one very demanding job, or maybe even several jobs working many hours a week. When he comes home, he'd have to make the decision to spend his very limited time with his family or read and read and read about the birthing process. Should he do that just to prove himself worthy? I don't think so.


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## Brisen (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?

Maybe if a woman can't rely on herself to get through labour, she shouldn't be getting pregnant. That makes about as much sense, IMO, as the idea that the ability to support one's wife during labour should make or break you as a prospective husband.

I'm probably out as suitable canditate as a wife, though, since I tend to roll my eyes at dh whenever he is sick. I tend to think he overreacts, and I get all passive-aggressive if I think he's taking too long recovering. I'll bring him soup and blankets, sure. And then I'll bake cookies and eat them while he's sleeping. I guess we deserve each other.


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## Brisen (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *daisymama12* 
I had a hypnobirthing coach for DS#1, and no extra support for #2.
My kids often want to hear the story of their births, so we tell them; Mama was calm, Daddy was nervous and put the mail in the fridge (true).

This is such a cute story!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *HisBeautifulWife* 
Why not? If you have to go through it with no breaks what makes them exempt?

I've always told my dh to sleep at the beginning of my labours, because I want him in peak shape if I _really_ need him. He doesn't have the labour hormones that I do to keep him going. And it just seems like a way to punish or get even with one's dh if one is forcing him to endure everything you are, just because you have to go through it. I don't get that attitude. It makes me so sad to hear that women would want their partners to suffer, just because they are suffering.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Veritaserum* 
My husband is a wonderful man who just doesn't happen to be gifted at labor support. It's not like he's cold and callous and unwilling to be present. He simply likes a quieter role. I'm perfectly fine with that and in no way feel abandoned by him. I think it's unfair to expect that your husband is going to provide perfect labor support. If it happens, great, but if your man _doesn't_ happen to be good at labor support it *does not* mean that he's uncaring or worthless.



















My dh has a needle phobia and some kind of a vein phobia. When he has needed blood drawn, his blood pressure drops and his veins practically disappear and it takes forever to do. He's not a wimp, or lazy, or whatever anyone may be thinking about dhs who don't play an active role in labour support. When I was pg with our first, we both understood that dh would be holding my hand and getting me drinks and making sure I was comfortable, and staying far away from where the actual birthing was happening, because he felt faint just talking about things like crowning and tearing. As it turned out, he ended up taking an active role in the actual birthing portions of all of my labours/births (he was the only one there with me when our youngest decided to arrive before the midwives, and he did a stellar job of catching the baby), but even if he had felt faint or needed to help in some other way, I wouldn't have considered it a labour support fail. He's not unwilling.

Now, I don't like interference from anyone when I'm in pain, and I hide in the bathroom and talk to him through the door if I need anything. But if I needed a lot of support, sure I would look to others to help _us_ out. It's about recognizing my needs and his needs and making sure we meet them. Because I love him and he loves me and we want to support each other.


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## clicksab (Oct 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brisen* 
I'm probably out as suitable canditate as a wife, though, since I tend to roll my eyes at dh whenever he is sick. I tend to think he overreacts, and I get all passive-aggressive if I think he's taking too long recovering. I'll bring him soup and blankets, sure. And then I'll bake cookies and eat them while he's sleeping. I guess we deserve each other.

Make that two of us! I'm trying to get better about it, because I know he doesn't have a great immune system. He works with kids and goes to school, never gets enough sleep, and pushes himself till he's falling apart. But then he REALLY falls apart. This happens at least once a month. Drives me batty, but I love the pathetic little sickie.

Actually reminds me of why I need a doula. My husband was great labor support, and I was insanely needy. But he never got a break. And thanks to us being in the hospital and him being completely sleep deprived and beat up (literally and figuratively), he got sick the day after DD was born. You'd better believe I'm having a doula and that he'll be able to rest if he needs to...because I need my husband functioning much more in the days after birth than any other time!


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## MegBoz (Jul 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mamabeakley* 
However, I would unilaterally recommend a doula to any woman/couple planning a hospital birth.










Yes, I'm surprised there hasn't been more discussion about hospital vs. OOH birth. With the atrocious condition of maternity care in America today, anyone planning to birth in a hospital who doesn't want "the hospital ride" probably could benefit from the presence of a doula.

I ended up getting a doula around 35W because I still had anxiety about being in a hospital. I didn't think I needed the extra support or DH needed the help, I just wanted her to "protect" me from the hospital staff. I know there are limits, the doula can't speak for me to hospital staff, but I knew there ARE things she can do to protect me, such as warning me if they're about to do something without informing me (let alone obtaining informed consent!)

I figured if we didn't end up 'needing' her support, we were out $500. That wouldn't kill us. *I'd rather BE PREPARED because you just never know what labor will be like & what you'll need.* You just don't know - I'd rather be safe than sorry in that case.

Turned out, my labor was so fast, I felt the urge to push before we'd even left the house AND before the doula had arrived at our house!







She was still a help during my 40 min of pushing at the hospital, & a MASSIVE support via email before birth & then afterwards with BFing. A great investment.







my doula!


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## wombatclay (Sep 4, 2005)

*~~~A message from your friendly neighborhood moderator~~~*

Just a quick reminder... when posting, please keep the following portions of the user agreement in mind:

Quote:

8.Do not post or start a thread to discuss member behavior or statements of members made in other threads or to criticize another discussion on the boards. *Do not post to a thread to take direct issue with a member*. If you feel a member has posted or behaved inappropriately in a discussion, *communicate directly with the member, moderator or administrator privately and refrain from potentially defaming discussion in a thread*.
and

Quote:

Do not post in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, name-calling, personal attack or in any way which violates the law.
In other words, it is perfectly ok to share your personal opinions and beliefs when answering the OP's question. However, please do not cross the line into making statements about the relative strengths or challenges faced by couples who hold different opinions or beliefs.

If you have any questions or concerns, please let me know!


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?

Well there's been plenty of eye rolls about the first sentence, and you can add mine to the list. But as for the second, I want to point something out that might help broaden your perspective a bit?

If your husband is sick, injured or in pain, of course you'd do what you can to help him however he wants you to! INCLUDING if he decides he is sick, injured, or in pain to such an extent that he wants another, more experienced and skilled person to assist him through the illness, injury, or pain with or without you. It doesn't mean you are doing it wrong, or badly, or anything. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you and want to share his life with you. It doesn't mean he should have never married you. It JUST means he wants a doctor/chiropractor/nurse/whatever to use their extensive experience and skill set to make the process more comfortable for he and you both.










Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You've had five babies with a man who can't support you properly through your labors? That makes me feel so sad. What stories will you tell your sons about their birth days? My son hears how amazing his dad was and how we did the work of birthing together and how we felt closer than ever after each birth. It was truly a peak experience in BOTH of our lives.

Why isn't a father amazing for supporting his wife by encouraging a doula if that's how she feels best supported? My husband is AWESOME throughout my childbirth, in fact our doula (same person both times) says she feels useless to even be there! But, we both want her there! She's a fantastic liason between us and any medical personnel, she's a huge emotional support addition to me and him both, and it's quite handy that she's a deaf interpreter, but that's just a bonus LOL My point is, I do trust him 100% to be my support, but HE feels more supported with a doula there to assist us both, however she can, which results in ME feeling more supported.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You carry the child in your own body for nine months and risk life and limb to give birth to his child and he can't be your best labor support? Do you have any idea how horrible that sounds to us? I think my dh and I do have a point here.... sorry that you disagree. This is a forum.. a place where ideas get exchanged, judged and tossed around.

Our Bradley classes were the best.... they completely empowered my hubby and educated him on everything. We did toss out the idea that he was my coach, though. I find coaching and cheerleading irritating.

It comes across as though you are seeking accolades for having the 'better partner' than those who choose to include a doula in their birth experience. That may not be your intention, so I just thought I'd point it out in case you wanted to clarify with a little more compassion for those who chose different paths?







It also seems as though your personality is such that the role of a doula, or even a 'coaching partner', whether that's your husband or not, isn't something that works for you. The bottom line is that your style works for YOU, others can explore and find what works for THEM...and it's all ok in the end









FWIW I took Bradley, loved it and it really helped. It was taught by our doula, who we used for both births.


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## wannathird (May 23, 2007)

i liked my doula at my last HB but i felt i really did not need her there there were to many women and i could of probably saved the money


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## Thalia (Apr 9, 2003)

I had a hospital birth with TWO doulas. One was my primary one, and the other was doing an observation in order to complete her training.

We decided to hire a doula because we thought it would be helpful to have someone there who was solely dedicated to comfort measures and support for both me and DH, and we wanted that someone to have seen a lot of births, and ideally to have gone through the labor process herself.

We had a midwife and she was great, but she wasn't with us constantly, and she was focused on the medical side of the birth and interacting with the hospital.

DH was a great support partner, but there's no way he could have attended as many births as my doula before my labor! Besides, have you ever talked to a nurse or doctor about what is like when their spouse goes through a medical procedure? Seeing your beloved partner in pain is different! You can't expect that every partner will be able to handle the emotions of labor 100% perfectly at all times, especially with no breaks to eat or go to the bathroom.

DH was helped immensely by our doula, her experience as a mother and a witness to many births. I was tremendously grateful that I had support at every moment of labor. I had pitocin but chose to have no pain meds and those contractions were intense! I never had to worry about where DH was because there was always someone by my side, helping me through every contraction. DH was there for almost all of them, but he did have to go the bathroom a few times and took at 15 minute break to eat.

I also had two friends there for support. That was seven people including the hospital nurse! And I felt that I needed them all. But I also told all of them in advance that if I ended up feeling that I wanted privacy, I might kick them out. They were all fine with this.

I could certainly imagine someone who feels very private not wanting a doula. It's hard, because it's hard to know what you will really want until you are in the middle of it. I could also imagine things being different with a home birth. But for a hospital birth, I think it's good to have as much support as possible.


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## echospiritwarrior (Jun 1, 2006)

I also think that it just depends on a plethora of factors. I didn't have a bad experience and am certainly not anti-doula (quite the opposite)! Having said that I think for *me* a doula would have been cumbersome and unnecessary but that's just my take.


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## MJB (Nov 28, 2009)

I chose not to have a doula at either of my births. My first, a CNM-attended hospital birth, had a nurse, CNM, and my ex there. I felt really private about the whole thing. I don't feel like I needed a doula, either. We took Bradley classes and I had a fast, easy birth, and caught my son myself. My second birth was a UC, and while I didn't feel the intense need for privacy, I didn't even consider that I'd want a doula at home. My husband was there, my mom, stepdad and sister were there (my stepdad and sister on another floor with my then-3yo). Neither my husband or my mom turned out to be a lot of help. Neither had ever given birth (my mom had c-sections), they were both anxious, and the birth was longer and harder than my first and I had a difficult time with it.
I'm pregnant now with my third (another UC) and plan to have 2 friends there as doulas-- both have had natural births (I was the doula at one's birth), have attended at least one birth, one is a massage therapist and one's a lactation consultant. While neither are professional doulas, I have been one myself and feel that the job is more about caring than training. I think that having them there will be a great help. I think they can help my husband to be a better support for me.
I didn't marry my husband to be a doula. I can hire a doula. I married him because I love him, he is smart, funny, a wonderful friend, lover, and father. While I was reading this thread I joked that he gets a C- for labor support, but I don't regret bearing his children.


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## mediumcrunch (Dec 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?

I find this to be a very ignorant statement.
Not everyone has the ability to be good labor support. Not all women are cut out to be doulas, not all husbands know intuitively what their wives need in labor.
My husband is lost when I am in labor. He is a very cerebral, practical, logical man and the ebb and flow and unpredictablity of labor and birth is disturbing for him. The blood and goo and sounds and smells of labor also bother him. It doesn't lessen his love of me and his desire to want to help but he just isn't comfortable. Honestly, one of the hardest things he has ever done for me was to help me stabilize my PICC line when it ripped out. It was extremely hard for him but he did it without question because I needed him and that was it. To anyone else it would seem no big deal but I knew how he really pushed himself far beyond his comfort level that day.
I hire doulas or bring a friend. I get the support I need and my husband participates at his comfort level. He isn't abandoning me to go watch football or go golfing. He is there and as present as works for him.
Let's put the shoe on the other foot. What kind of wife would I be to force my husband to do something that really makes him uncomfortable? He should be miserable and uncomfortable because I am? I don't wake my husband up and make him stay up when I am nursing in the middle of the night either just because I am.


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