# MIL wants to hold the baby within minutes of birth



## FreeThinkinMama (Aug 3, 2004)

I'm due in January and today while I was talking to my MIL on the phone she mentioned that she expects to hold the baby within the first few minutes of his birth. I would like to concentrate on bonding, skin to skin contact and trying to breastfeed asap. I think there's plenty of time for her to hold the baby later. Am I being unreasonable?


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## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

Are you planning for her to be present at the birth? That sounds like a really weird expectation to me, to hold the baby "within minutes". No one held my son besides me for at least the first hour. Then it was just DH holding him. At some point the midwife briefly checked him out and weighed him, but she really kept her handling to a minimum, and it was only after he'd had an opportunity to nurse and be cuddled by both me and DH.


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## TattooedMama (Aug 31, 2005)

This is why nobody is invited to the birth at my house, LOL! We don't have visitors (and that includes blood relatives and IL's) for 24+ hours. I would like it to be several days, but that is the compromise with dh. My MIL wants to be at the birth, it KILLS her that I won't let her know that I am even in labor and only call after the baby is here. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! Are you birthing in a hospital? Will your MIL be present?


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## mamallama (Nov 22, 2001)

Wow. Why on earth would she think that's ok??

Maybe she was just expressing how anxious she is to get her hands on that sweet little grandbaby? Surely she can't be serious!

Are you planning on inviting her to your birth?


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FreeThinkinMama* 
I'm due in January and today while I was talking to my MIL on the phone she mentioned that she expects to hold the baby within the first few minutes of his birth. I would like to concentrate on bonding, skin to skin contact and trying to breastfeed asap. I think there's plenty of time for her to hold the baby later. Am I being unreasonable?


Why on Earth would she be at the birth? I mean, unless you are very close and want her there.

Tell her no, she will not be holding the baby within a few minutes of the birth. She will hold YOUR baby when you say it is okay.

You can avoid this by not calling for several hours after the birth.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

If she is serious, then that sounds intensely personal to me. It is as if she does not respect you or your boundaries. However, if she is just overjoyed and it was more of an outloud wishful thinking, then no harm done.

It depends on your relationship. If you are very, very close to MIL and want her to be there with you and DH to share in the entire birth, maybe even catch your baby.... then great. Go for it. If your relationship is friendly but not that intimate, then I would not even inform her when you are birthing. Call her several hours after the birth, at the point when you can say "Gee, it would be nice if MIL was here to see the new babe." And remember, this is your babe and DH, this is your family. Don't let her make you feel guilty for that.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

NO - you aren't being unreasonable! Geez...tell her when it's time for her to hold the baby you will let her know.







:


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

No one but me holds my babes until I feel like handing them over to DH.







I held dd2 for a 1+ hours before I felt like parting with her for a minute, and it was just a minute.


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## OnTheFence (Feb 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FreeThinkinMama* 
I'm due in January and today while I was talking to my MIL on the phone she mentioned that she expects to hold the baby within the first few minutes of his birth. I would like to concentrate on bonding, skin to skin contact and trying to breastfeed asap. I think there's plenty of time for her to hold the baby later. Am I being unreasonable?

No!
I had an emergency csection and really didn't get to hold my daughter well into her first day of life. Everyone held her but me, including my MIL and mother, and many many more people. It still pisses me off that my baby was passed around like a football while I lay barely conscience and in terrible pain.
So when we had our second biological child (our third child) I made it very clear that no one but my husband could hold him until I did. The same went with my last child and it will be that way with this one too.
I personally think its unreasonable for grandmothers to expect to hold the babies immediately after birth, that its more like they are trying to stake claim to the baby. My oldest daughter and I are not very close but she is extremely close to my MIL, the second person to hold her (and she hogged her too!). She was the first granddaughter and girl in the family for several generations and my MIL always referred to her as "her baby". I was in essence a food source and it ended there.
If they are really pushy I would make sure they were no where near the birth, but that is just me.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Will there be a midwife or a doula there? You can ask them to stand up to her and tell her that this is a crucial baby bonding time and she can wait to hold her grandchild


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## accountclosed3 (Jun 13, 2006)

no, you're not being unreasonable. explain to your MIL what you want and why you want it. And if she doesn't accept that, then tell her that it's your child, and this is how it's going to be--and if she doesn't like it, she can stay home.

my parents and my ILs will not come to visit the baby until after the babymoon--our retreat of 4-6 weeks post birth. luckily, we will live 3,000 miles away from them. so, it'll be harder for them to pester us.

our current plan is to not tell them that we're pregnant until we're about 6-7 months in, and then not tell them the EDD or how far along we are when we do tell them. I feel like it's none of their business.

i told my DH, if i had my way, i'd not tell them i was pregnant at all, and when they came out for christmas or wahtever, a baby would be there. "oh yeah, this is our kid."


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## turtlemama77 (Jul 29, 2005)

This is exactly why I wouldn't tell anyone when I went into labor. We didn't want anyone at the hospital hounding us. You're going to be busy enough as it is. Your dh needs to communicate your wishes to his mother (assuming your wishes and his are the same). Good luck!


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Please tell me you are not letting this person come to the birth.

I am known for my ruthless disregard for the desires of MILs. Mine called me an incubator for "her" kid while I was pregnant. She was lucky she got to hold the kid for five minutes when the baby was four months old.


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

I would "forget" to call anyone until the baby is born.


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## gen_here (Dec 31, 2005)

You're not being unreasonable at all. Personally, I don't feel right having anyone at the birth other than my husband (as far as family/friends are concerned... I'll have my doctor there, too). My MIL will be at our home watching our son, but she will not be at the hospital for the newborn until my husband goes back to get her.

When my son was born, he was on my chest immediately - for at least an hour. When it came time to do the newborn exam, my husband took him the 6 feet away and brought him back to me... where he stayed until we left the hospital for the most part. We had two visitors (non-family) who held him for all of 5 minutes combined on the 2nd day there and that was it! The one thing that really started to set off the blues for me was the (one) pushy nurse I had as we were leaving who wouldn't let me hold my own child as we left the hospital - she got all cocky and said, "MY JOB! It's the RULES!" To me, that's what your MIL is saying (and that sure as hell won't go over with me this time!).


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## zipworth (Jun 26, 2002)

I would just laugh it off like she's joking and do whatever I felt like. If she complains then just say..oh, I thought you were joking, sorry. And still continue to do what I wanted. She'll get over it. She's already had her turn being mama. If she gets upset about it, that's her issue, not yours.


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## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

your not unresonable when Nathan was born I held him and bf'd him for a long time. DH then took him the the other side of the room for the nurse to weigh and check stats. He then brought him back to me for a while. My older sons ( who were there for the birth) each took a turn then my MOM and MIL and sister ( who were also there at the birth) took a turn while I ate ( 22hrs and I neede REAL food LOL)


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

My mother held the bowl of placenta while the baby was still attached to it, with me carrying the baby, as I crawled into bed. Maybe she'd enjoy that?


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## mamamavis (Oct 21, 2006)

right on, uumom!

seriously, maybe mil should not be invited....


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## mamaverdi (Apr 5, 2005)

You aren't being unreasonable.


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

YOu are the mother, she is the grandmother. She had her chance to be the mama. You are not being unreasonable. I wouldnt call her till afterwards


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## kerikadi (Nov 22, 2001)

Don't call her (or anyone else) until some time after the baby has arrived then you will have your time with the baby without interruption.

Keri


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

My guess would be that she missed out on holding her baby(ies) immediately after their births and she is trying to get that back. But, no matter, this is your baby and your turn. It is your right to hold your baby as long as you want to. There will be plenty of time for her to hold the baby later.


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## turtlewomyn (Jun 5, 2005)

No you are not unreasonable, she is. I had a scheduled c-section and my rule was that no one got to hold the baby before me (other than DH and medical personel). I didn't even want MIL and SFIL to be there but the stupid hospital staff let them in and they were in the room when I got out of surgery and was puking my guts out. I got to hold DD first, but MIL got more time with her in her first hour of life. I still resent her for this.
Don't let her, this is your baby, to hold it is your reward for carrying the baby for nine months and going through the hard work of labor. Not to mention bonding issues.


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## FreeThinkinMama (Aug 3, 2004)

With our first child we didn't even tell MIL that I was in labor, we didn't call her until after the baby was born for this very reason. She's just the type who tries to take over, is extremely baby-crazy and to top it all off she annoys me with all her mainstream advice (she's pro-circ, anti-bf'ing etc)

Unfortunately it's not an option this time because we have a three year old and MIL is the only person we know who can watch her while I'm in the hospital. I'm already having a hard time dealing with the idea of being seperated from my dd, we've never spent the night apart, I want to at least know she's with a family member and I want her to be there asap to see the baby once I'm in recovery.

I asked my husband and he agrees with me, she didn't even ask "can I hold the baby within minutes..?" it was an expectation, almost a demand. I was just so surprised by it that I didn't even know what to say. The idea seemed really odd to me, to pass this baby around like a football within minutes of his birth. I'm telling the nurses to delay newborn procedures until after we've had a chance to bond and even then do them in my presence so why make an exception for my MIL?

Thanks for reassuring me to listen to my instincts mamas! I think I'll let her know in advance so I don't have to deal with explaining it after the baby is born.


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## Herausgeber (Apr 29, 2006)

A big part of why I chose natural childbirth, with care by midwives, was so I could be as alert as possible during that crucual bonding period. My MWs delay all exams by 2 hours and just leave you alone with your family during that time, unless you ask them for help with breastfeeding, etc.

That said, if for some reason I *can't* hold her in my arms right after birth, somebody better be snuggling with my baby. DP and/or my mom would be my preference. (But my mother would never *insist* on holding her; she's just not pushy like that.) I would be horrified at the thought that DD just sat in a baby warmer to preserve my right at first dibs on holding her. I'd want her to have whatever nurturing human contact was available.


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## shantimama (Mar 11, 2002)

I agree that you will have to be very clear and firm with your boundaries around this one.

I don't say this in defense of all of the MIL's and mothers who try to push their way into these precious, sacred moments with our babies - BUT let's remember that we are so aware of how important those early bonding moments are because it didn't happen for so long and we have learned from that. Depending on your age, most of our mothers did not have that opportunity. They were knocked out to give birth and didn't hold their own babies soon after birth. That mama-need was never met for them. I do not for a moment think that it is our responsibility to heal that for them by letting them intrude on our mama-baby first moments - but it always helps me to remember this dynamic when my MIL is driving me crazy about new baby time. She had four children and didn't have that with any of them.


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## jazzharmony (Nov 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FreeThinkinMama* 
Unfortunately it's not an option this time because we have a three year old and MIL is the only person we know who can watch her while I'm in the hospital. I'm already having a hard time dealing with the idea of being seperated from my dd, we've never spent the night apart, I want to at least know she's with a family member and I want her to be there asap to see the baby once I'm in recovery.

Thanks for reassuring me to listen to my instincts mamas! I think I'll let her know in advance so I don't have to deal with explaining it after the baby is born.

It sounds like MIL will be at home with your daughter and not at the hospital whilst you are birthing, no? How does she plan on caring for your daughter yet rushing to the hospital within seconds of your birth?

If I were you (and I have been there) I would appeal to your husband to deal with his mother. You should not have to worry over this during your pregnancy. You should also not have to confront her. That is your husband's job. Have him deal with her ASAP so you can move on and enjoy this time without worry.


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## Aeress (Jan 25, 2005)

it does sound like a boundary issue. my mom was very respectful of our need to bond as a family. she was there for the birth and gazed at dd(2) but didn't even think to ask to hold her. she held dd maye 1-2hrs after birth. my hubby took dd(1) for me...I was so weak...I held her for a bit but hubby took her until my arms stopped shaking.

my mil tried to take my dd(1) AWAY from me once and it was after a hug fall that dd took...I walked away from her. *sheesh* it still bothers me to this day.

I don't mind pass around the baby once baby is older...and as long as everyone has washed their hands


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I think I would forget to call as well. No one saw me (us)but my hubbie and my midwife during this intensely personal time.


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## Anastasiya (Jun 13, 2006)

The only thing I can add to this is:

If you don't call your MIL right away - do NOT tell her "Oh, I forgot!" She'll probably spend the rest of her life telling your dd that "*Mommy forgot all about you* when you stayed with me while she had the new baby...."


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## Bartock (Feb 2, 2006)

there is no way i would have my mil there i hated having my own mom there i told her not to come but she did anyways and would not shut up about the elk that ran into her truck on the way down


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## FreeThinkinMama (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sancta* 
The only thing I can add to this is:

If you don't call your MIL right away - do NOT tell her "Oh, I forgot!" She'll probably spend the rest of her life telling your dd that "*Mommy forgot all about you* when you stayed with me while she had the new baby...."

That's just the kind of thing I can imagine her saying


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## *clementine* (Oct 15, 2004)

When I first read the title to your post I thought to myself "when I'm a grandma I will want to hold the baby within minutes of it being born too." I was thinking about how for woman it's such an ancient thing and that our blood rushes to be near it.
Then I realized you actually meant WITHIN MINUTES of giving birth.
What the hell.
I guess I expect people to be reasonable....when I hear within minutes I think that means when the mom is done, the dad is done, and she's invited lol.
HOLY COW.
Is she mad?


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## Shoremom (Oct 1, 2006)

I had a similar situation when my mother invited herself to my first home birth. She is very intimidating and to this day (at 53!!!) I cannot confront her. But she surprised me by being extremely respectful and sensitive. So that could happen in your case. You never know!

I definitely agree with all who said to set boundaries. However, speaking as a true wimp, that is easier said than done, especially right after giving birth when you are so vulnerable on so many levels. You do need to enlist the help of Baby's daddy but especially your healthcare providers. They should definitely run interference for you, and they don't have any loaded family issues to deal with afterward. While I wouldn't encourage actively lying, simply saying "the doctor won't allow it until at least....(fill in the blank, one hour after, two hours after, whatever)" might just work, especially with someone very mainstream.

Good luck!


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

It could very well be detrimental to your newborn infant to be held by ANYONE but you, not only in the minutes after birth but in the first WEEK. You are not being unreasonable. I let my MIL and grandma hold Henri for a few minutes when he was about 3 days old- but it was only for a few minutes. But a newborn baby that is moments old needs to be in the arms of its mother, and no one else. Tell your MIL to take a hike.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Considering the kind of relationship dh and I have with our parents, I'm aiming for being the kind of mom that my daughter WANTS to have present when she has her kids. Who calls for me because she knows I will be helpful and appropriate. If the call comes before, during, or 2 days after, all the same...so long as she WANTS me there and isn't just putting up with me out of a fear of abandonment.








:


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## OnTheFence (Feb 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jillkuster* 
When I first read the title to your post I thought to myself "when I'm a grandma I will want to hold the baby within minutes of it being born too." I was thinking about how for woman it's such an ancient thing and that our blood rushes to be near it.
Then I realized you actually meant WITHIN MINUTES of giving birth.
What the hell.
I guess I expect people to be reasonable....when I hear within minutes I think that means when the mom is done, the dad is done, and she's invited lol.
HOLY COW.
Is she mad?

I cant imagine feeling that way, after having my own bad experience. Even when we adopted, I felt like his birthmother was entitled to holding him and feeding him.


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## phoebemommy (Mar 30, 2006)

What is up with MILs?? I swear, someday when I'm a MIL, I'm going to be the most cheerful, supportive, laid-back, boundary-respecting grandma ever. Even if it kills me.


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## Brazilianmommy (Aug 3, 2006)

MIL wanted to do the samething when DD was born, DH and I thought she was crazy, WE didn't allow anyone to hod DD for 2 days after the birth, except my mom she was the only one besides DH and I, that make her go furious, but DH didn't care.
That's why we're homebirthing this time, MIL will not now about it, I hope


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## wonderwahine (Apr 21, 2006)

ITA with pp's, its a strange request, not even my own mother or father held my son in the first hour after birth......they touched him, as I held him, my DH held him (and begrudgingly while i was out of it he sat in the warmer).

BTW I had an arguement with my dh and parents DURING labor because dh and I had agreed early in my pregnancy that his father was not allowed at the hospital for the birth, because I wasnt comfortable with that. Well during my labor, dh decided he wants his dad there......needless to say, his dad was NOT there and he came 4hrs later to see the baby (who may I mention he didnt even really care about! him and dh watched the notre dame game instead!)


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## wonderwahine (Apr 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog* 
Considering the kind of relationship dh and I have with our parents, I'm aiming for being the kind of mom that my daughter WANTS to have present when she has her kids. Who calls for me because she knows I will be helpful and appropriate. If the call comes before, during, or 2 days after, all the same...so long as she WANTS me there and isn't just putting up with me out of a fear of abandonment.







:

my mother was that way







I felt so close to her and my dad, it was a gimme that they had to be there the whole labor and birth. they were champs, my mum helped hold one of my legs as i pushed (i had a super epi







) and i love the memory of seeing her crying as ds crowned







she also cut the cord for us cause dh was squemish. And they hugged me and stroked my hair as ds layed on my chest.


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## InstinctiveMama (Sep 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jazzharmony* 
If I were you (and I have been there) I would appeal to your husband to deal with his mother. You should not have to worry over this during your pregnancy. You should also not have to confront her. That is your husband's job. Have him deal with her ASAP so you can move on and enjoy this time without worry.

I agree with this although without knowing how you and your dh handle your respective families. When I was married, my husband managed his family and I managed my family. This rule worked well for us. My former MIL made a stink over my son's birth but at least she was not complaining to me!


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## accountclosed3 (Jun 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phoebemommy* 
What is up with MILs?? I swear, someday when I'm a MIL, I'm going to be the most cheerful, supportive, laid-back, boundary-respecting grandma ever. Even if it kills me.

i plan on guilt-tripping my kids into UCing.







: hehehe!


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

A newborn baby should be near it's mother - in my opinion, naked against her naked skin for hours after birth. MIL holding her just doesn't fit into that plan. Perhaps if MIL went topless it would be less jarring for the infant?


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

You are the one who will have carried that baby around in your womb for 40 weeks, nurtured the baby, and give birth to the baby. The honor of holding the baby and bonding with the baby is yours (and your partners). She has no right to make these demands. Set some boundaries right now so she is not surprised at the birth.


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## rozzie'sma (Jul 6, 2005)

I feel that is an insane request. babies need to breastfeed in the minutes after birth.


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## FreeThinkinMama (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Apricot* 
A newborn baby should be near it's mother - in my opinion, naked against her naked skin for hours after birth. MIL holding her just doesn't fit into that plan. Perhaps if MIL went topless it would be less jarring for the infant?

LOL oh the mental image, I'm going to have nightmares tonight


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## shortcake2386 (Jul 13, 2006)

i let my MIL-who i cant stand-hold my dd for 30 seconds a couple hours after she was born...but she was not allowed in th room when i had her!!!


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FreeThinkinMama* 
LOL oh the mental image, I'm going to have nightmares tonight

Imagine the fun!

Oh, Oh, I think the baby's coming! Better take your shirt off!
.
.
.
.
Sorry, false alarm.
.
.
.
.
I think the baby's coming! Better take your shirt off!
....
Rinse, repeat as neccesary.


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## 13Sandals (Sep 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phoebemommy* 
What is up with MILs?? I swear, someday when I'm a MIL, I'm going to be the most cheerful, supportive, laid-back, boundary-respecting grandma ever. Even if it kills me.


Yes that!!! if i have to tie myself to the bedpost...I'm writing it all down so I can read it when my DILs have babies!!!


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## kissykoko (Feb 24, 2006)

When I had my first baby my mil came to help and whenever she would hold my newborn and I got her back she reeked of her perfume!!! It drove me crazy that my new sweet smelling baby smelled like that perfume. I thought I was over reacting but I don't think so now. With my second baby I mentioned it to DH who tried to help out. Luckily she was distracted with her daughter just giving birth a week before me so she wasn't around as much perfuming the baby. I think it is a mama bear instinctual thing.


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## cottonwood (Nov 20, 2001)

My mom got to hold the baby briefly a couple of _weeks_ after she was born. Everybody else other than my husband and kids... hm, it might have been months and even then I was pretty stingy. It would be a different matter if they were around all the time, but I'm not handing my baby off to someone who feels like a stranger to her. So no, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. But does it really matter what anyone else thinks? The most important thing is what _you_ feel. Well, and how you're going to deal with your MIL thinking you're unreasonable. If it were me I think I would probably just talk about bonding and hormones etc., and if she thought that was crazy, so be it, but at least then she couldn't take it personally.

I think this was so insightful:

Quote:

They were knocked out to give birth and didn't hold their own babies soon after birth. That mama-need was never met for them. I do not for a moment think that it is our responsibility to heal that for them by letting them intrude on our mama-baby first moments - but it always helps me to remember this dynamic when my MIL is driving me crazy about new baby time.


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## jazzharmony (Nov 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shantimama* 
Depending on your age, most of our mothers did not have that opportunity. They were knocked out to give birth and didn't hold their own babies soon after birth. That mama-need was never met for them. I do not for a moment think that it is our responsibility to heal that for them by letting them intrude on our mama-baby first moments - but it always helps me to remember this dynamic when my MIL is driving me crazy about new baby time. She had four children and didn't have that with any of them.

But wasn't that only happening in America in the 1930s and 1940's ? I was born in 1971 and my mother was certainly awake- in fact she gave birth naturally.

My MIL was also fully aware and awake when she birthed her kids in 1969 and 1970.

My father's mother was knocked out (1930s) My mother's mother homebirthed her kids (all born in the 1920s - 1940s)


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## jyurina (Mar 17, 2005)

My MIL was present at both my births and was nothing but respectful and helpful. i knew she was itching to hold them but didn't until they had nursed, cuddled, even slept with me. You and your hubby should be bonding with your baby. She needs to start respecting your decisions NOW about the care of your baby. If she makes it an issue I would wait on informing her that the baby is here.


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## stacey2061 (Feb 1, 2006)

we avoided this kind of bull by not calling anyone until a few hours after DS was born


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## WinterBaby (Oct 24, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jazzharmony* 
But wasn't that only happening in America in the 1930s and 1940's ? I was born in 1971 and my mother was certainly awake

Nope, my mom had my sister in 71 with twilight sleep. While there was a natural childbirth movement going on at the time, it was still pretty typical.


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## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jazzharmony* 
But wasn't that only happening in America in the 1930s and 1940's ? I was born in 1971 and my mother was certainly awake- in fact she gave birth naturally.

My MIL was also fully aware and awake when she birthed her kids in 1969 and 1970.

My father's mother was knocked out (1930s) My mother's mother homebirthed her kids (all born in the 1920s - 1940s)

We could only wish that this died out in the 40s. My brother and I were born in 75 and 76; my mother was given scopolamine, and she doesn't remember either of the births.


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## ~Lolosoli~ (Mar 16, 2006)

Quote:

Am I being unreasonable?
Nope!

I expect a few DAYS of bonding with myself and immediate family....then extended family is welcome...

I would let her know how you feel...

I let my MIL and GMIL hold my last son three days after he was born....he was given back with a mix of perfume and smoke.....he no longer smelled like just him and I....we had a homebirth and I didn't bath him fully to allow the vernix to naturally absorb and to keep his skin moist (he smelled so wonderful!!)....I was very sad when he came back smelling like "them"....

~Charlene~


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## FreeThinkinMama (Aug 3, 2004)

My MIL had a saddle block which confined her to bed for 12-24 hours after the birth. With one of her babies she was given IV meds which made her "loopy" but didn't knock her out. Her babies were taken away from her and placed in the nursery. She thinks I'm being paranoid because I said the baby wouldn't be brought to the nursery for newborn procedures (which are going to be delayed) and instead done in my presence only.

Her baby boys were all circumcised whether she liked it or not, the hospital wouldn't allow her to leave with them unless she had the procedure performed. Not that she disagrees with it but I think that illustrates how different her birth experience was.


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## rose_bud79 (Jul 21, 2005)

You are not being unreasonable! It's your birth and you can choose whatever and whoever you want to be present. You can be tactful and gentle with your words and let people know they won't be at the labor and birth. I think a lot of people now believe that labor is just a big party and of course they are welcome! Hello! Only dh was present at our birth and it was so special that way. A lot of my relatives kept saying they were going to show up at the birth with a bucket of fried chicken and party! maybe they were joking but I was hugely pregnant and it sure wasn't funny to me! Can you imagine the smell of fried chicken while your birthing? Eewww!


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## super kitty (Nov 26, 2003)

*


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## RockStarMom (Sep 11, 2005)

What?!







: That is completely unreasonable. And so bizarre that she would bring it up in advance. It truly makes me sad that she missed out on that experience herself, but she should still know better than to feel entitled to hold your baby immediately after birth. I mean, _everyone_ wants to hold newborns, but no one should actually feel like they have the right to ask or _assume_ that they actually can!
The only person who held my daughter during her first 24 hours was my mom, when I went to the bathroom and such. Not even the other people(doula, sister, best friend) who were with me all through labor and birth. Not even my dad who came right after.

Definitely talk to your husband about it and get him on board with you, and make an agreement that he will intervene if his mother expresses her wishes to hold the baby after he/she is born. You shouldn't have to worry about it or defend your desire to not let her hold your newborn.







:


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## SharonAnne (Jul 12, 2004)

I was in labor for 37 hours. It started getting serious Saturday night and the baby wasn't born till Monday morning. I got very little sleep on Saturday night, and none at all from about 4am Sunday morning until sometime on Monday.

All my plans for not letting anyone near my baby but me went out the window. I was just too exhausted. I held her, she nursed, she fell asleep, my midwives took her for the weighing and measuring and whatnot, swaddled her up and handed her to my husband. I got in the shower and cleaned myself off. I was still in the shower when my parents and inlaws got there, and they all lived about an hour away. So my initial bonding time with my daughter was, obviously, less than an hour.

Dd slept theh whole day away, in my MIL's arms. DH and I slept the whole day away, too.

MIL changed her first diaper, MIL taught DH how to change her diaper







, MIL rocked her in my rocking chair, etc etc etc

At the time, I was grateful that MIL was there to take her so I could sleep.

Looking back, she was sleeping anyway, and she should have been sleeping WITH ME.

Because of my previous experience, I am seriously considering not letting anyone even know I'm in labor the next time around. Except maybe my brother.







Although, I will need to arrange for someone to be there to care for Dd. It won't be my MIL though,
















Tell your MIL to go take a hike. And tell her that if she can't respect your wishes, she doesn't need to be there at all. Humph.


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## unimatrix0 (May 30, 2006)

I would set up my boundaries now if I were you. I'm still not over dd being ripped away from me after my emergency c-section (I waited two hours to hold her). The next day, the IL's came and they all left as I was left in recovery alone. I've forgiven dh, but I'll never ever forget this pain, kwim? Please guard you're right to bond with your baby; if not, it might leave scars. A baby is meant to stay with momma.


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## amnda527 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rose_bud79* 
I think a lot of people now believe that labor is just a big party and of course they are welcome! Hello!

I agree! When I told my friend that I planned on homebirthing she said that she would "probably come and hang out" while I was in labor. But once I "got naked" she would be outta there.







:

I agree with most of the other mama's on here who say that the baby NEEDS to be with you right after birth. You need to talk to MIL and DH now, bc once the baby comes you will most likely not have the energy to start up a fight with MIL. Good luck!


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jazzharmony* 
But wasn't that only happening in America in the 1930s and 1940's ?

Some US moms were also knocked out at least until the late 50's, possibly 1960's too.


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## intorainbowz (Aug 16, 2006)

OP you are NOT being unreasonable. Guard your time with your new baby rabildy....

Frankly after what happened the last time I gave birth neither my mom or MIL will know when I have the baby, which will be tricky because I will have a c/s. The hospital where I go to has the recovery occuring in the mom's hospital room. I unfortunately did not have this problem as DD went to the NICU, something I knew would happen after the birth. That said, I was the first to hold DD. Mom, sis, MIL and DH of course all went to see her, but I was the first to hold her. I made this clear to DH and he agreed. Not sure how I can get away with forgetting to tell my mom or MIL about scheduled major surgery, but that's another post.


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## guest9921 (Nov 3, 2005)

Such a great thread - thanks for starting it.

I will jump on the consensus train and say 'no' - you are Definitely not being unreasonable.

My problem was not with my mother in law - who, often steps lightly when it comes to me - she's polite and respectful, most of the time. (We wont get into how she gave my 3 month old deep fried french fries to suck on







)
Anyways - she lives 6 hours away - she can't step on too many toes.









The problem was - my mother.
Note that my mother was very very detached as I grew up, we had an awful relationship - she had a lot of resentment towards me - (but luckily, I had a fantastic nanny.)
My mother suffers from many forms of depression and benzo/opiate addiction (also note that she is a therapeutic counselor, with the specialty of getting people help for addictions. irony.)

I've had a few run ins with her relating to my son.

First - she assumed she would be in the delivery room - cried on many occassions in public, when arguing that she would not. Also, she felt that she deserved to 'catch' the child.
After which had been established, she made the statement she would then be outside of door, and when the baby had been born - she would rush in to greet it, hold it as the umbilical cord would be cut, and bond with the baby.

Her argument was, "you have the rest of your life to bond with the baby."
Hah. I tried to explain with her, that it was her - that had the rest of the babies life to bond.

Ah - such things can be so hard to try to get across to my mother.

My mother also smokes, and would insist on holding my 2 day old son after coming inside from a cigarette break. Call me a cig-bigot, but I would adamently refuse her to be anywhere near him.

I actually got into a huge fight with her, and my partner - actually, about it all.

My mother knew when I was laboring, unfortunately, as it was induced - I made it clear that she would not be in the hospital when I had my son - she finally succumbed. I found out later that she called the nurse station every half an hour to check my progress. Claiming that she was my mother and deserved to know. I'm still kind of ticked that they gave her such information without my consent and knowledge - granted, she is my mother - but as I have said, we do not have the relationship that many mother/daughters have.

Anyways - you must set your boundries, they may resent it - but they will learn to respect you as a mother if you are very strong about your convictions.


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Momtwice* 
Some US moms were also knocked out at least until the late 50's, possibly 1960's too.

Ummm, try 1970's.

My DH's mom was OUT for the birth of her only child, and never saw a birth until she was present (quietly and respectfully) for the birth of our second child. I'm grateful for her sake she is the kind of person who could have that kind of relationship with us. It was very special for all of us having her there, and she told people she was "in awe" of me, how I birthed DD. If she had pulled any "I'm going to hold the baby first" stuff she'd have been OUT. Thankfully she knows there is a difference between mommy and not-mommy.


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## aywilkes (Sep 2, 2006)

Mama Poot said:


> It could very well be detrimental to your newborn infant to be held by ANYONE but you, not only in the minutes after birth but in the first WEEK. QUOTE]
> 
> I'm confused. Can you explain this statement please? What possibly is detrimental about a nb being held by another person? What about adopted babies where the mom doesn't hold the baby at all?


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## MommaMoo (Nov 16, 2005)

*Sigh*
Moms and mil's can be so hard to deal with. OP, you are most definitely not being unreasonable, it is always the pg mama's right to have the birth experience that makes her feel comfortable as is best for baby and mama. I have an annoying step-mother that I had to deal with while pg. For some reason, she thought she would be present at the birth, with my father. I couldn't imagine anything more horrifying happening during my labor. I am NOT close to either of these people, and I was really offended that she tried to move in on my birth. I told her that they were not invited, and they insisted we call them when I went into labor. Not. I did, however, invite them to the hospital the next morning. ITA the pp who's mom or mil reeked of perfume. That's how my step-mom is. She also kept taking flash photos of ds, and pouted when we asked her to stop.







: I had an mil situation soon after birth that I regret. Mil came out only 3 days or so after ds was born. She was holding ds constantly, and I ended up getting really aggro and crying over it. Poor dh had to run between our home and the hotel and try to keep both me and his mom happy. Anyhoo...I think some people just lose their minds when it comes to birth and babies, and get really excited at the prospect of seeing a birth. But to actually take the step to invite themselves is gross and rude







:


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## heidi_m (May 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FreeThinkinMama* 
She's just the type who tries to take over, is extremely baby-crazy and to top it all off she annoys me with all her mainstream advice (she's pro-circ, anti-bf'ing etc)

How the heck can anybody be anti-bf'ing?? Frankly I don't see how anyone could be pro-circ either, but anti-bf'ing?? Ai yi yi!

Anyhoo, I would tell my MIL to jump in a lake if she thought she was going to be anywhere near me when my babies were born. Ick. But I had a question... you mentioned your MIL watching your DD while you went to the hospital, so if you're having a hospital birth, won't your MIL be at home with your DD? If so, how could she hold the new baby within minutes?

At any rate, have only skimmed through the first page or so of posts, sorry if this is a repeat of what a PP said, but I wouldn't make an issue of this with MIL now, just do what you want when the time comes and make sure you and Dh are in agreement that when it gets down to it, nobody but you and he hold the new babe.

All the best to you and your family!


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## ecoteat (Mar 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Momtwice* 
Some US moms were also knocked out at least until the late 50's, possibly 1960's too.

I don't know if she was totally knocked out of what, but my mother doesn't remember giving birth to me at all in 1976.

And I'll reiterate what everyone else said--you don't want anyone around who isn't going to completely abide by your wishes and who isn't going to be flexible enough to know that your wishes may change. Hold on tight to your new babe--no one needs to be with him/her other than you and your husband.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KittyKat* 
Ummm, try 1970's.









My sister was born in 1975 & my mother planned to ASK to be knocked out...sis came too fast though!


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## bamamom (Dec 9, 2004)

No time to read all the posts, but NO FREAKING WAY.

Are you birthing at home?? Then simply dont call anyone when the baby comes . Or when you're in labor.

We did it...after ds, we absolutely no one on the face of the earth knew he had been born except for me and dh, and the midwife who arrived about 40 mins pp to check us out.

It was amazing, and I wouldnt trade for anything.


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## Adamsmama (Oct 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jazzharmony* 
But wasn't that only happening in America in the 1930s and 1940's ? I was born in 1971 and my mother was certainly awake- in fact she gave birth naturally.

My MIL was also fully aware and awake when she birthed her kids in 1969 and 1970.

My father's mother was knocked out (1930s) My mother's mother homebirthed her kids (all born in the 1920s - 1940s)


Although I find it really strange and can't even comprehend being knocked out to give birth my mother was for both of my older sisters births (in the 60's & 70's). With me in 1980, she did Lamaze and had me totally naturally.

To the OP--there is no way I would let her hold the baby that soon. I never wanted any family (other than DH) in the room when I had the babies or even right afterwards. I just wanted us to bond as a family first. Sorry you are going through this!


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## Ixcuina (Feb 22, 2003)

Go to this Midwifery Today article:

http://tinyurl.com/yfhyrb

Be sure to read perspective #6 that talks about how the baby's gut becomes colonized right after birth. Another good reason for only mama and papa to hold the baby right after birth.


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## bamamom (Dec 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SharonAnne* 
I was in labor for 37 hours. It started getting serious Saturday night and the baby wasn't born till Monday morning. I got very little sleep on Saturday night, and none at all from about 4am Sunday morning until sometime on Monday.

All my plans for not letting anyone near my baby but me went out the window. I was just too exhausted. I held her, she nursed, she fell asleep, my midwives took her for the weighing and measuring and whatnot, swaddled her up and handed her to my husband. I got in the shower and cleaned myself off. I was still in the shower when my parents and inlaws got there, and they all lived about an hour away. So my initial bonding time with my daughter was, obviously, less than an hour.

Dd slept theh whole day away, in my MIL's arms. DH and I slept the whole day away, too.

MIL changed her first diaper, MIL taught DH how to change her diaper







, MIL rocked her in my rocking chair, etc etc etc

At the time, I was grateful that MIL was there to take her so I could sleep.

Looking back, she was sleeping anyway, and she should have been sleeping WITH ME.

Because of my previous experience, I am seriously considering not letting anyone even know I'm in labor the next time around. Except maybe my brother.







Although, I will need to arrange for someone to be there to care for Dd. It won't be my MIL though,
















Tell your MIL to go take a hike. And tell her that if she can't respect your wishes, she doesn't need to be there at all. Humph.









Sharone Anne and I were in the same DDC, my first labor was identical to hers described here. We did the same timeline and everything, mine was 48 ish hours.

I remember when i birthed my dd, I was so numb and exhausted, and still when she was born, I snapped at the midwife" Gimme that syringe!!" because she needed suctioning, and then just laying on the bed and wanting to be covered up.

My parents came in at 20 mins pp for about 5 mins, and then left . They didnt try to touch her, they just kissed us, and left.

My mil didnt see her until she was 5 days old.

Like i previously posted, I just dont tell anyone i'm in labor!


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## luckymamato2 (Jun 3, 2006)

This topic gets me real fired up, probably because my mother is a real baby hog / possessive grandma. She is constantly demanding to hold my babies, babysit them, keep them overnight, take them with her. I make excuses about her improper carseats and she just doesn't take the hint.

We didn't have a lot of time to tell people I was in labor (only 12 hours) and only 3 from the time we realized she really WAS coming. We got a friend of mine to come watch ds at the birth center, and SIL came as soon as she could (moments after dd's birth) to keep him for the night. I had made it clear that no one was invited to come visit (a plane ride away







) until she was a week old. My SIL didn't even hold dd until she was months old, because we don't see each other often.


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## meggles (Mar 9, 2004)

You need to do what you need to do for you and your baby, first and foremost. You shouldn't feel guilty AT ALL!

My parents are 30 miles away, and I'm still making them wait a good 24 hours or so before they visit. (And I am very close and comfortable with them).

My MIL and SIL live across the country and they won't be visiting for a few months, at the earliest. And even then they're staying in a hotel.


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## ColinsMommy (Nov 3, 2005)

Here's a real gem from my MIL:

"You've been holding him for 9 months...once he's born, it's my turn!"







:

(Luckily this was said to my SIL and not me).


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## Fruitful4Him (Jun 22, 2002)

: That request just seems so bizarre.. Stand your ground, mama. Don't be bullied by her.







:


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## eviesingleton (Jan 18, 2007)

I am a non-confrontational person most of the time but there are a few things about which I am fully confident standing my ground. This is one of them.

Dear Abby had a fantastic response to a woman whose MIL wanted to be present at the birth and the DH didn't understand why this was a problem. She advised the woman to say, "I will let your mother watch me give birth if you will change a car tire naked while my father watches you."


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## momto l&a (Jul 31, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eviesingleton* 

Dear Abby had a fantastic response to a woman whose MIL wanted to be present at the birth and the DH didn't understand why this was a problem. She advised the woman to say, "I will let your mother watch me give birth if you will change a car tire naked while my father watches you."









:


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## momto l&a (Jul 31, 2002)

I imagine now that we live closer to my in-laws they will want to see that baby right away.

I told dh I get to decide when they come see the baby.

I may however be giving birth 800 miles away unless we like a mw we will be interviewing later this month.

800 miles distance would take care of the problem.









For some reason people just don't understand that a new family needs time to be quite rest, relax and just enjoy the new one without entertaining a troop of people.


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## pookel (May 6, 2006)

I agree that it's up to the parents when anyone else should get to hold the kid, but I guess I don't understand the resistance to letting close family hold the baby soon after birth, if you have a good relationship with them. After my c/s, I was the first person (besides nurses, etc.) to hold my son, but my FIL, MIL, and both SILs all held him for a few minutes within the first couple hours after birth. I was tired and in pain, and I definitely didn't mind having other people hold him while I rested.


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## nannyboo (Jan 8, 2007)

sorry--don't have time to read all 5 pages of advice, so this might be redundant. i don't know where you are having the birth, but could you talk to your midwife or nurse and ask if someone could help explain to your MIL that you need to maximize your skin-to-skin contact for as long as possible after the birth? that way, an unrelated person can be the bad guy, allowing you to focus on the blissful experience you deserve!

good luck!


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## bornbythesea (Oct 24, 2006)

Maybe she wasn't really thinking about what she was saying, and just expressing her excitement and love. If she was serious, she may need someone to explain that you don't want that. Things were done differently when she had children. If she is pushy and will make you uncomfortable, than I'd consider having her not be at the birth.


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## arlecchina (Jul 25, 2006)

you're completely reasonable.

with my first child they took him from me immediately to "clean him up" then passed him around the room to everyone else. I didnt touch my own child for almost 45 minutes and I will never forgive any of them for it.

so dont feel like you're being mean at all.


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## cchrissyy (Apr 22, 2003)

I agree with everybody. It's a 100% unreasonsable request, and hopefully she wasn't serious.
Since she's babysititng, you can't forget to tell her about labor- but you sure can delay the call to announce the baby was born! and you know, you'll honestly be so distracted by the baby and cleaning up, the first hours after birth aren't well suited to phone calls and visotoors anyway. Like, say you delvier in the morning, you could call her after lunch and tell her you're about to nap but it would be good if she came with DD about dinnertime. (edit acording to the delay YOU desire at that time. you can't know now what that will be)


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## 67313 (Nov 4, 2006)

Love this thread.

I'm due in a week or so, and am glad my dh and I tackled this same issue head-on weeks ago. When baby-crazy, sweetly-selfish MIL mentioned the expected call during labor so she could get to the hospital, we told her--and my family as well--that we're going to be too busy to make phone calls during labor. And after baby arrives we're going to be busy bedding-in for a week to bond, recoup and get accustomed to breastfeeding. After that week, we'll welcome visitors. And we'll welcome gifts of food.

MIL didn't like our plan so much, but that's how it is. They get a call a few days after birth, and then we'll arrange a day they can come visit. Period. (The hospital offers a line of defense as well--an approved visitor list. Nobody's name is on ours, so even if she figured it out, she's not coming in.)

BTW, this is the same woman who would call and say "How's *my* baby doing? I can't wait to see *my* baby!" Her choice of pronouns would make my blood absolutely boil. When she said these things to my dh, he would say "I'm fine mom...Oh, you meant *our* baby? He's fine, too." I love that man. MIL has stopped with the "my."


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## Shawnee (Sep 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peacetoyou77* 
BTW, this is the same woman who would call and say "How's *my* baby doing? I can't wait to see *my* baby!" Her choice of pronouns would make my blood absolutely boil. When she said these things to my dh, he would say "I'm fine mom...









Your dh is a gem!


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## gargirl (Dec 30, 2006)

Well, I may be weird, but I had my MIL and my FIL as well as several of my close friends present at my youngest's hospital birth. The more the merrier.









I liked having multiple people (my friends and husband) there to advocate for me and interpret/explain me to the hospital staff. The nurses were great at getting my ILs out of there when they got pushy, but my husband and friends were ready to handle them too.

My labor was long, I wanted to hold my baby but I was half dead. I let everyone have a turn with me getting every other turn and trying to get him started nursing. It was great. One of my friends went out and got me food too, at 1am because the hospital had nothing but toast and popsicles at that hour and I was STARVED after a 14 hour labor.

Its funny, I am very private about my body, only not in regards to birth and BFing. My sis told me, having had her first before I did; "Seriously, let the inlaws come. Believe me, in the middle of all that, I wouldn't have cared if the Oakland raiders had come in!" She is really funny, and turned out to be right about it.









All that aside, you need to do what's right for you and yours. Just know that things rarely go as planned and you might end up being glad she is there to hold the little one for a bit... stranger things have happened. Best of luck to you!!!


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## chitowndoula (Jan 20, 2007)

Absolutly not! You are being perfectly reasonable in wanting to wait on passing you newborn around. Those first few minutes, even hours are sacred and they are for mommy and daddy only! If your MIL persists, try passing the burden off on your provider..."Sorry, my midwife/doc really wants to limit outside contact for the first few hours." Good luck!


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## MomToKandE (Mar 11, 2006)

OK, this may not work for you but here's what we did with my parents/IL's for my first child's birth:

We said anyone who wanted to could be in the hospital waiting room. Shortly after birth dh brought out digital photos of dd. We had an hour or so by ourselves and then invited my mom and MIL in. (my dad was at work and FIL was not in good health so didn't want to hang out at the hospital)

The photos kept them happy until we were ready to have visitors. Of course these are people we have a good realationship with and who respect boundaries, your milage may vary.









We told everyone in advance that this is how it would be so there were no surprises.


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## FreeThinkinMama (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cchrissyy* 
I agree with everybody. It's a 100% unreasonsable request, and hopefully she wasn't serious.
Since she's babysititng, you can't forget to tell her about labor- but you sure can delay the call to announce the baby was born! and you know, you'll honestly be so distracted by the baby and cleaning up, the first hours after birth aren't well suited to phone calls and visotoors anyway. Like, say you delvier in the morning, you could call her after lunch and tell her you're about to nap but it would be good if she came with DD about dinnertime. (edit acording to the delay YOU desire at that time. you can't know now what that will be)

That's what we ended up doing







we just didn't call her, it didn't even cross my mind we were so busy enjoying the moment. He was born at 9 am and i think she called around 11 to ask if the baby had been born yet. She came to visit that afternoon so we had several, uninterupted, blissful hours of bonding


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## Emilie (Dec 23, 2003)

YEAH!!!!!!! Congrats and good for you!


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## mamato3cherubs (Nov 30, 2004)

Wonderful! so glad it worked out!


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