# Hi ladies. Didn't expect to be here...



## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

I had my first ultrasound today and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I was measuring at 8 weeks, and I've spoken to three OB's and all of them said that if there's no heartbeat and the baby is measuring at 8 weeks, that means there probably was a heartbeat but definitely won't be again.

This was a very wanted baby, it was perfect timing with my graduation and everything. I'm very disappointed, and my poor husband is devastated. I was solemn when they told me but he just started bawling.


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## lil_stinkyfeet (Nov 12, 2006)

It is such a personal descison.. I opted to m/c on my own and am VERY glad I did.. But it happened rather quickly.. I am not sure if I would feel differently if I would have had to wait for it to happen for a few weeks.

I am sorry for your loss


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## birthangeldoula (Feb 1, 2008)




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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

Oh I'm so so sorry that you're going through this







. I had to make the same decision a while back (although by the time I was considering it, I was mostly finished...I just didn't realize it). Here is the thread I started--lots of good advice there http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ight=naturally

I'm glad I did it without a d&c, but by the time I realized that the baby was gone, I was already bleeding pretty heavily. It would have been really hard to wait knowing that it was coming, but not knowing when, especially if you are feeling time pressure to conceive again. I'm sorry that you're going through this at all, and I'm sorry that you have to decide about this.

What I liked about letting things take their course was being able to stay at home. It was actually a very good process for me and my husband--we grieved, labored, and bonded together. I felt extremely connected to him through it. I also liked that I was letting my body "do its thing"...a friend of mine's midwife said "this is a sign that your body is working well, not that it's broken," and it was good to trust my body that way, even as I was totally sad and feeling yucky. It left me feeling like my body had taken care of things rather than like someone had done something to me. It wasn't pretty, but it was our own, you know? And we got through it together, which felt good.

I wish you peace and a quick and healthy next pregnancy. My best to you







(your husband sounds like a total sweetie...)

Here's another thread you might find interesting: http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1011255


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## cagnew (Oct 1, 2007)

I have had two m/c. With the first I passed the baby and sac naturally. The "good" thing about that was that I was able to bury the baby and that helped me have some peace. The bad thing was that I bled and bled for weeks. It took an extremely long time for my cycles to start again (like 3 or 4 months).

With the second I chose to have the d&c. I didn't like that thought of just waiting and waiting for the baby to pass, and I was hoping that I'd have less bleeding with the d&c and that my cycles would return sooner. I DID have much less bleeding, but my cycles still took a long time to come back (so I guess it's just something with me). The thing I didn't like about it was that I couldn't bury my baby and I didn't know what they did with it. Also, when I woke up I kind of freaked out for a bit, crying hysterically and asking for my baby. My mom is a nurse and she said that the medication they give makes some people do that. Anyway, that was very sad.

If I had to choose again... I don't know. I really don't. The only reason I would naturally miscarry would be to bury the baby. Other than that, I would definitley go for the d&c.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Ladies, thanks so much for your comments so far. I feel very loved.

To clarify, the D&C would be in my doctor's office, not under general anesthesia.


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## cagnew (Oct 1, 2007)

Oh geez.... I forgot to say that I am very sorry for your loss. Miscarriage just plain sucks. I found a lot of help coping with my losses by going to the Hope, Healing, and Conceiving Again thread on here. The women all understood what I was going through, and we shared the craziness that comes with trying to conceive again. I highly recommend it


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Carlyle* 
"this is a sign that your body is working well, not that it's broken," and it was good to trust my body that way, even as I was totally sad and feeling yucky. It left me feeling like my body had taken care of things rather than like someone had done something to me. It wasn't pretty, but it was our own, you know? And we got through it together, which felt good.

yeah that!!

you never know what may or may not happen. what if the drs are wrong? what if there's twins? totally trust your body. bonding experience or medical procedure??

I'm SO sorry. it's sooooo tough....

Rebecca


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cuddlebaby* 
yeah that!!

you never know what may or may not happen. what if the drs are wrong? what if there's twins? totally trust your body. bonding experience or medical procedure??

I'm SO sorry. it's sooooo tough....

Rebecca

Thanks so much. I'm pretty satisfied that there is only one and it's gone. They looked for a long long time, and in every angle possible. My doctor offered to do an additional u/s next week when/if I decide to get a d&c.

Honestly, also, my husband is scared to death for me. He really is frightened of watching me bleed at home and worrying about hemorrhage. I think it might be more traumatic than bonding...


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

There's no one right answer. For *me* the right decision was to wait and let things take their course.

-Angela


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## emsparrow (Dec 16, 2007)

I didn't have a d&c, but did have a vacuum procedure b/c waiting became so difficult. I was really glad not to wait anymore, but sad that it didn't happen naturally before that. They were really nice to me, though, and comforting, so it was almost as good as being at home. You know in your gut whether a d&c is right for you - you can always make the appt. and see how you feel about having it set.

I'm in a similar situation with school and timing, and it's frustrating and it's hard, but do make sure you give yourself time to heal and grieve - that will help you so much in your next pregnancy. And I'm taking a long time to stop bleeding, so it will be quite awhile until my cycles start back up - so frustrating since it keeps pushing back our timing! Be prepared emotionally in case it doesn't resolve quickly (I hope it does for you, though!) - are you able to readjust your timing with school if things take a little longer than hoped for?


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I had to make this decision on Wednesday. I didn't feel like I could wait it out, but I wanted to be at home. I chose to do cytotec at home, and am very happy that I did. It was easier than I thought it would be, pain no more than menstrual cramps, and I was able to share the emotional pain with my family. We had a nice ceremony in the back yard, and I feel a great sense of closure.

Everyone needs to make the decision that is right for them. I know you will make the right one (((hugs)))


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

I love the responses you've gotten so far, and I don't have much to add. I did it naturally, and I was very glad to avoid a D&C. I felt--this is a bit creepy--but I felt that I needed to let the baby stay close to me for as long as it wanted to.







Even though I knew it was dead and I knew that it was too small to have desires even if it was still alive. I just felt like I needed to do everything I could for it. So emotionally, for me, the natural route was definitely the way to go.

I had a close friend opt for a D&C because she felt she just couldn't carry a dead baby around any longer, and I totally understand that feeling as well.

I think you just have to do what is right for you.







I am so sorry you have to make this decision.







Hey, one more point: if you opt out of the D&C you can change your mind any time, but if you opt in that's the end of it. Just a thought. Good luck.


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## Quindin (Aug 22, 2003)

I had D&Cs the two times I had miscarriages

Personally, I would not have been able to take it passing on my babies at home with no warning.
With the D&Cs, I woke up and it was all done. I went home, and all I needed to worry about was healing emotionally...


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsbabycakes* 
Honestly, also, my husband is scared to death for me. He really is frightened of watching me bleed at home and worrying about hemorrhage. I think it might be more traumatic than bonding...

Yeah. I was worried about this too. This would have made the wait really hard for me, and is a big reason that I'm glad I only found out after things were already underway







It also helped me that I knew that we're only a 5 minute drive from the hospital.

For us, it was traumatic AND bonding...if that makes any sense. I remember reading through the sticky on here at the top (what really happens when you have a miscarriage) and it sounded SO scary and horrible. But in reality it wasn't SO bad. We had a measure to use (if you're bleeding more than 1 overnight pad an hour for more than 3 hours, go to the ER...or something like that. You'd want to check with your midwife or doctor of course), and that helped me set my mind to rest. And the heavier bleeding was over in about 6 hours. Not fun, but for us it worked.

Is this your first baby/pregnancy? I think for me, it helped to compare things to postpartum lochia and clots. It also helped me kind of process the cramps better (since they were a bit like labor contractions for me).

Good luck with your decision. I hope your recovery is smooth and quick either way.









ETA: another thought is that if you were measuring at 8 weeks, it's likely to be lighter bleeding than some of the stories in the sticky (where people were 11+ weeks along). Just another thought for you. Sorry again.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Carlyle* 
Yeah. I was worried about this too. This would have made the wait really hard for me, and is a big reason that I'm glad I only found out after things were already underway







It also helped me that I knew that we're only a 5 minute drive from the hospital.

For us, it was traumatic AND bonding...if that makes any sense. I remember reading through the sticky on here at the top (what really happens when you have a miscarriage) and it sounded SO scary and horrible. But in reality it wasn't SO bad. We had a measure to use (if you're bleeding more than 1 overnight pad an hour for more than 3 hours, go to the ER...or something like that. You'd want to check with your midwife or doctor of course), and that helped me set my mind to rest. And the heavier bleeding was over in about 6 hours. Not fun, but for us it worked.

Is this your first baby/pregnancy? I think for me, it helped to compare things to postpartum lochia and clots. It also helped me kind of process the cramps better (since they were a bit like labor contractions for me).

Good luck with your decision. I hope your recovery is smooth and quick either way.









ETA: another thought is that if you were measuring at 8 weeks, it's likely to be lighter bleeding than some of the stories in the sticky (where people were 11+ weeks along). Just another thought for you. Sorry again.

This is my first baby. I decided to make the appointment for Monday (the only weekday between now and Christmas that my husband can come with me) and hope something happens over the weekend.

I saw my chiropractor today and she did some neat adjustments/bodywork. and cranial sacral work to help my body along. I've been feeling better since then.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss.









I had a second trimester loss due to a placental abruption/sch at home and then took miso to help pass the placenta in lieu of a D&C. In retrospect, I am very happy that I had time alone with our son to process everything and say goodbye. Even though I hemorrhaged when I passed the placenta three days later, I wouldn't have changed it. I don't like surgery or hospitals. The only thing I would have done differently is not faced everything alone. My husband was out of town for work when everything happened. If I had someone with me, I would probably go the miso route again rather than surgery.

If you decide to try the meds, just ask your doctor about taking them vaginally rather than orally because I have read that it can bypass a lot of the stomach upset. I was very ill with vomiting and diarrhea. It would have been great to have avoided all of that.


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

I'm thinking about you today--hope that things went as smoothly as they could, and that you have some closure soon and can start again. Big hugs to you.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

No, I choose to miscarry on my own after a "no heartbeat" sonogram at 10 weeks. I only waited a few days and it all went well... or as good as these things can go. Some cramping, no excessive blood loss and a follow up, sono showed that the miscarriage was "complete".

Hugs to you. Losing a little pumpkin is hard no matter what stage of pregnancy you were at.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Hey guys,

Had the repeat u/s today and still no HB. Little bean still measured at 7w6d.

Went withe the D&C and I'm so glad I did. It was much better than I expected and it was nice to have it over with. Hubby commented that he'll have to develop some calluses on his thumb before I go into labor, because I almost rubbed the skin off his hand.







Apparently I did the same thing the other night when I was crying hysterically and I've been doing it at night in my sleep. Maybe I need a worry stone









I'm very glad we waited over the weekend, though. I needed to see the repeat u/s and have the weekend to "process" the loss. But if I had to wait weeks, it would have been horrible for me. It was bad enough, I'm glad I didn't drag it out longer than I needed to.

Thanks for all the good thoughts and prayers, ladies. Time to heal and try again!


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## CawMama (Nov 4, 2005)




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## heatherp (Nov 8, 2008)

hi mrsbabycakes,
i thought i'd say hello and share that i'm also from the july ddc. best wishes as you heal - i'm sending love and prayers your way.


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## snowangel182 (Sep 22, 2008)

By now you've probably already made your decision, but I'll let you know about mine just in case.

My baby had died about two weeks prior to my 12 week checkup appointment. My doc recommended a D&C within the next week or two at the most to reduce the infection risk that may come with waiting. I waited about 5 days, and then I decided to have the D&C because like you i'm in school and I didn't want to have a miscarriage happening while trying to make it through finals. My baby was due (may 20th) two weeks after graduation and it seemed like the perfect thing. I know it's going to be hard to flip the tassle this spring, all the while thinking of what could have been. But it is what it is. I found the D& C to be painful, both mentally and physically, but I imagine miscarrying at home would carry the same baggage? A few of my friends miscarried at home and one of them ended up needing a D&C anyways. Anyways, I hope you make the decision that feels right to you. Don't let your doctor rush you, and trust your heart. I'm sorry for your loss. Here's a hug for you.


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

Hey thanks for the update. It's good to hear that you're feeling happy with your decision and that the procedure is out of the way. Good luck on finding your worry stone and to your hubby on developing the callous. I hope you need it soon.


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## MiracleMama (Sep 1, 2003)

I'm sorry for your loss.

I've had 2 m/cs, and 2 d&c's. The second time I tried to wait it out but needed to do the d&c because the waiting was killing me. I am now waiting for my cycles to start up again - hopefully soon since it will be 4 weeks tomorrow since the procedure.

It's such a personal decision. I am thinking of you as you go through this.


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