# Desperate and Resentful: 10 month old won't go to sleep then wakes every 2 hours



## Redmom

Our 10 month old has been waking every 1-2 hours since he was about 4 months.

If that wasn't bad enough lately he will not go to sleep easily. On a good night I hold him and walk him around the room until he falls asleep which usually takes 10 minutes. Lately even after 30+ minutes of doing this, although he will be asleep in my arms, the moment I place him in the crib he wakes and immediately starts screaming. He is getting heavier now so it is physically exhausting holding him and carrying him around.

He has never been a baby that we can place in the crib "drowsy but awake" otherwise he starts screaming.

I am just so incredibly exhausted, frustrated, desperate and resentful. I feel like I have no life of my own any more. I'm a stay at home mom, so during the day I have no energy to really be present for my son. I feel like I have nothign left to give him and that there is nothing left of me.

Our whole evening ends up being devoted to putting him to sleep. Even then he will wake 1-2 hours later and the process gets repeated. This is even before my husband or I get to sleep.

When we go to sleep, one of us co-sleeps with him and the other sleeps on the sofa. Then halfway through the night we swap. This was at least giving us of us a decent stretch of sleep. But lately with his resisting sleep, I am physically and emotionally spent.

I belong to a mom's group, all nice ladies, but their babies all sleep pretty much through the night, and they say their bedtime routine involves putting baby down awake, who then falls asleep on their awake. This makes me feel so alone and resentful to learn that there are other parents who are having such an easy time getting their baby to sleep. I see how much energy and how carefree these moms are, relatively speaking.

It makes me wonder "why me, why us?". We are good, loving parents, and through no fault of our own have a baby who has trouble sleeping.

Every day I wake up feeling worse. I find myself mentally tuning out from my son during the day. I don't feel like playing with him, I just want to sit and tune out. My focus of each day is nap time, when I put him down for a nap I take one too. This is what I look forward to each day. I feel so sad that I don't look forward to playing with my son each day.

I am worried that this experience will damage the bond between my son and I. I am honestly not enjoying being a mother right now. I sometimes wish I never had a baby, because of what my life has become.

My husband and I have looked for help in the medical community but the advice ends up being to let him cry it out, which we do not advocate.

I feel so incredibly alone in dealing with this issue. The only thing that gets me through is sharing how I feel on this board.

I am just so desperate. Everyone says "it will get easier", but for us it has not gotten any easier. Every day is harder and harder to get through.

I never thought being a mother would feel as horrible as I feel these days.


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## expat-mama

Hugs, Redmom. I couldn't read your post and not reply because I've been there! Exactly where you are now.

I don't have any advice about how to "fix" your baby's sleep habits, because I tried a lot of things and nothing really worked. What I can tell you is that it DOES get better and for us (and many other parents I've spoken to) the 10 month mark was the absolute worst! For a few weeks my son was waking up literally every 20-30 minutes. It was hell on Earth and nothing worked to make it any better. Or sometimes it would randomly get better, but then we'd be right back where we started. I think it's a developmental thing and some babies have it harder than others getting through the night when there is so much changing in their brains and bodies.

All we did was power through (I know, not what you want to hear) and my dh and I tried to work together to get the rest we needed whenever we could. Things got markedly better right around the 12 month mark and have been slowly getting marginally better and better. My son is 14.5 months now, and he sleeps without waking from 8-11 or 12 and then wakes once or twice (three times on a bad night) until about 5 am. After that he is kind of just nursing on and off.

Like I said, things did get better and I feel soooo much more rested even though he is still waking a few times. I feel like a completely different person than I did waaay back then. Right now, we are looking forward to night weaning DS in a few months and hopefully that will help things a bit more. I'm still tired a lot of the time, but not the kind of tired that you describe and the kind I remember from back then.

I don't know if reading any of this is helpful. I hope it is. Try not to listen to those other moms whose kids sleep through the night. They are really the exception, not the rule! Know that what you are doing for your son is the best you can, work with your DH to get the rest you need and be gentle with yourself and your baby during the day when you feel like a zombie. And remember: this too shall pass (sooner than you think).


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## ChelseaWantsOut

Have you tried craniosacral therapy? It really helped my baby sleep better. Of course, I say this having just put my one-year-old back to sleep after a two hour awake period in the middle of the night, haha. But I think he's got some cognitive development thing going on right now. This isn't usual (anymore). He actually started putting himself back to sleep after some of his night wakings when we started craniosacral. The difference between waking every two hours and having at least one 4 hour stretch was, for me, profound.

The biggest thing (apart from having slept) that helps me enjoy him is having other people around who dote on him. We see his grandma every day and I just became friends with a group of moms who all have older kids, so they love to hold and squish and coo at my baby. But I know it's hard to feel human enough to interact with other adults when you're severely sleep-deprived.


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## Redmom

Thanks Expat-mama for taking the time to write. I appreciate your empathy and sharing your experiences with me. It does help to hear from someone who has been through this and can really relate. I know we have to keep getting though it day by day, and night by night.

At the start of September he all of a sudden started sleeping a 4 or 5 hour stretch each night, so I felt very encouraged, but then all of a sudden he started resisting sleep and going back to 2 hourly wakeups.

It is just so demoralizing experiencing this month after month with very little improvement, and not lasting improvement.

Thanks for writing, it does help to read your words.


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## Redmom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *ChelseaWantsOut*
> 
> Have you tried craniosacral therapy? It really helped my baby sleep better.


 I don't know too much about this. Could you tell me what it is all about, and what is the underlying link between this therapy and better sleep? Would it be suitable for a 10 month old? What are practioners of this method called?

Thanks for sharing this idea.


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## ChelseaWantsOut

Our Naturopath does it. It is basically about gently manipulating the bones of the skull and sacrum to affect the flow of spinal fluid. I think it's pretty woo-woo, but the baby loved it and it seemed to help, so whatever. I actually heard about it on these boards. We started it with my babe at 8 months.


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## jmiller184

Hello, well I hear your pain. We have an almost 10 month old non-sleeper too. He is our 4th (and final!) child. The others are 8, 6, and 3. All I can say is I know exactly how you are feeling. My two older kids are in school all day, that leaves me at home (stay-at-home Mom as well) with the 3 yr old and 9 month,old and I too, like yourself find myself just zoning out in the day. I have no energy or desire to play with the kids at all. Our 10 month old is up at least every 2 hours, sometimes every 30 minutes every night. It is just so draining. I have tried many different things as well, all to no avail. I keep hoping it will get better each milestone age (6month, no; 9 months, no; now my hope is by 12 months) It is affecting my marriage. I find myself so cranky, just plain out exhausted!! I too feel alone and really just dont know what to do. I get no sleep at night and then have to be up at 6am to pack lunches and get my other kids ready and off to school (I have to pack everyone in the van by 7:15am to take the 2 to school). I really dont look forward to any time of the day as it all entails no sleep for me. Sorry to add my misery in here, I know I'm of no help  I guess I just need to let it out too 

I am currently up now at midnight, my son just woke after only 1 1/2 hours of sleep, we'll see how long the next stretch is! If you find anything that works, please pass it on..I will do the same on my end.

The big thing to remember is eventually, it will get better. I know its extremely hard now...but the only thing they can do is get better at sleeping, as we are at rock bottom now... We can only get better from here, right!? Time really does fly by, so if we can just make it and get through this rough patch, it will get better. Typically around 12-13 months of age, there is improvement and then they just seem to be so tired from the day, they just finally get the whole sleep thing. My 8yr old was just like my son now and I am pretty sure it was around 13 months when he majorly improved (this is also when I weaned him). I just forgot how hard I had it then, as my last daughter was the "angel" sleeper, just soooo easy. But I do remember being zombie like with my oldest, he was so bad, like this one.

Anyhow, good night and I hope you get some sleep  If you need to vent I am here to listen


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## mizzzashlee

Redmom - I am right there with you as well, my DD is 16 months old and wakes every 1-2hrs still. I just wanted you to know you weren't alone, but unfortunately since I'm still in the same boat as you I dont have any helpful advice. My DH and I have tried everything: more nursing during the day, offering solids constantly throughout the day with the thought that maybe her sleepless-ness is due to not getting enough calories (she eats like a bird), hoped it would get better when each period of teething ended, tried lengthening her naps by holding her and rocking her back to sleep in hopes that better naps would make for better night-time sleep. She only takes 30min naps, and now that she's down to only one nap a day its sheer torture, its not even enough time for me to try and lay down and get some rest while she sleeps (and I've tried napping with her thinking she may sleep longer but that didn't work either).

What's really helped me is just knowing that I'm not alone, and that every child is different. I can't compare my DD with other little ones cause in EVERY way other than sleep they're different, so of course what works for one will not work with another. That being said, if you find out anything that helps please pass it along, as its always worth a try!

I do believe what Jmiller184 says is true: "this too shall pass", it can only get better from here, and every child eventually will sleep through the night. I day dream about that day often, hahaha!

Good luck, and smile.


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## BabySmurf

Just wanted to chime in! My son is just about 11 months, and sleeps the same way! He has been throwing in some super stretches of sleep recently, which is the only thing that gets me through, lol, but it's such a tease. When he does sleep better, it's not because of anything I've done differently; I guess the stars are just in alignment those nights! All I can say is thank goodness I am a SAHM with only this baby - I don't know how the working Mom's or Mom's with other young kids deal! When I get worked up over DS not sleeping, I just try to focus on what a gift he is, and how lucky we are to have this time together. I can't believe that he's almost a year old! It really won't be that long until they are big. FWIW, I just got to the point where if DS was fighting sleep, I just brought him back out to the living room and let him play for a little longer. He would tire himself out, and then I wouldn't be able to keep him awake if I tried. He would usually need a longer nap the next day, but it really did a lot to help my sanity. If he wasn't going to sleep, I may as well not spend that time fighting him. Eh, I hope we all get some much needed sleep soon!


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## McGucks

Mom of an 18 month old here. Same deal. He is up every 45 minutes to maybe 90. We co-sleep and still nurse a lot, including every time he wakes up to get him back to sleep. He has never taken a pacifier or sucked his thumb, but I sure wish he did (we've tried, believe me). I am going pretty much nuts with it and have to work hard not to resent DH, who typically sleeps through it all. While he would be willing to help, our LO wants absolutely nothing to do with his dad if it's night time (though they are wonderful together all the rest of the time).

I wonder about the impact of the chronic sleep deprivation on my health and longevity, no kidding.

I would think about having another child were it not for this issue (well, and a couple more, but this is a biggie for sure).

OP, you have my heartfelt condolences. Nap if and when you can and try real hard not to feel guilty about it. Ask your DH for specific help around the house, if that'd be good for you...sometimes I can't nap because I am worried about the dishes or whatever.

The sleep thing is the hardest thing about having a baby/toddler, for me. I totally hate it. I love the child, but certainly hate that I haven't had a good night's sleep since June of 2009 (when I got pregnant).

Good luck, mama. I wish I had advice, but other than telling you you're not alone, that's all I've got.


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## lil_stinkyfeet

OOh I can so relate! My almost 5 month old is getting up every 2hrs.. I am a stay at home Mom and have just been SO tired lately. Dh tells me to just let him cry and I am tempted I admit it! But I couldn't ever do that to him  I am starting to feel desperate and cranky and wish there was an answer.

HUGS!!


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## jmiller184

Well, we the last 3 nights have been better here. I am not a cry it out fan at all...never able to do it . I thought I'd try a very short version of it though, as whats been happening is not healthy for any of us here. I nursed my son one last time around 8pm (I try to keep him up a little later, as it seem to help). Then we still rock him to sleep to initially go to bed. Then when he awoke an hour and a half later. I went into his room, bent over the side of the crib, hugged him and kissed him, put his pacifier in and laid him down (the whole time not picking him up at all..just all by leaning over the crib)..said good night and rubbed his head and then quickly walked out (I left the door wide open to his room). He cried, but it was an angry cry, not a sad one, it was hard to hear, but he only cried for literally like 3 minutes, maybe only 2 (it seemed like longer, but really wasn't that long at all). Then just like that, he was silent. I got nervous, went in there, he was sound asleep. The next time he woke up now wasn't until 3 hours later! That time, I did the same routine and this time he let out only one cry (like a 10 second cry) when I left and then silence again. I heard him moving around his crib, then nothing, went in there sound asleep again! The next time he woke up was 4am! I figured this time he was probably pretty hungry (and even though some say at this time they do not need night feedings) I don't want to go that long without nursing him. So I nursed him in my bed, when he was done, I took him back to his crib, did the routine, he was sleepy but awake and this time he didn't cry at all, just went back to sleep till 6am.

Two nights in a row went pretty much the same. Now last night was a little rougher, only because I went to the store later in the evening and when I came back my husband had already put him to bed (WAAAY too early) and it pretty much messed him up. So we'll see how tonight goes.

For naps he still need to be rocked and initially upon going to bed, but I am going to keep up the not picking him up at all in the night and just leaning over and hugging and rubbing his head and telling him goodnight and see if it keeps working.


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## callahansmama

Redmom I think I pm'd you about what I ended up doing but I'll restate it for everyone here

My son slept horribly from pretty much birth and by 12 months he was waking almost every hour all night long. We tried co-sleeping and he slept worse. I nursed him back to sleep each time and then often had to rock him. He would wake up screaming. We changed his diet, we tried different pjs, a lovey, pacifier...you name it.

Eventually I paid a sleep consultant from the baby sleep site for two email consultations. She is pretty amazing and I can tell you that two and a half months later my son (almost 17 months) is now falling asleep in his room, door closed, no crying - in about 20 -40 minutes. We rarely have to go back in to help settle him, he just plays and talks himself to sleep.

Originally ds would scream the moment he suspected he was going into the crib awake and would cry pretty much indefinitely I imagine if left in there. We did try letting him cry for 2-5 minutes at a time but he would cry for way too long than I could stand. I was desperate. So I started putting him in his crib and staying in the room, laying down on the floor by his bed, holding his hand through the bars, singing and talking. He threw his pacifiers out, his blankets, his cup of water. He cried and screamed. But I was there and I stayed, often falling asleep on the floor, until he fell asleep. He still woke a couple of times a night (and still does) but it got much better. After a week or so, it was still taking an hour(or two) for him to fall asleep. The consultant suggested we leave the door open and leave the room. I started doing that after about an hour (he didn't cry anymore, he played and laughed and threw stuff AT me) He started falling asleep with very little crying. I had mixed feelings about just leaving him right off the bat but I started doing that too. We left the door wide open, made sure he could hear us, and he started falling asleep within an hour with no crying. Eventually we started closing the door because we felt we were distracting him. The first few times he cried a bit but not for more than a minute. Now we leave a nightlight on, he goes in his crib happily and falls asleep on his own with his door closed and lullabies playing. He still wakes habitually at midnight (but he falls asleep by 7 so he gets a 5 hour stretch) and then typically wakes again at 4-5 and then for good at 6:30-7. I am in the process of eliminating all nighttime feedings and just nursing before bed and in the morning when he wakes up for good.

I hope this can be help and hope for some of you other mamas


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## BabyMae09

You know what just hit me - he may not be getting worn out enough during the day to sleep well at night. My DD needs LOTS of outdoor/pay time to sleep well. Anyway, just an idea.


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## sumsum

I have this EXACT problem. I am so with you. My nanny is a babywhisperer and uses a vibrating baby seat to get him to rest once he's really tired. (I never really put my son in it, unless I was going to the bathroom). That got me a little extra sleep last night on the front end. I nursed him until he 95% asleep and put him in there. The vibration seemed to really soothe him. I was amazed.

We co-sleep and I'm still nursing as well.

I am going to try craniosacral this week for my son. It has to be something developmental involving his nervous system and physical body. Something isn't in alignment. He's not able to just relax and let go and fall into sleep and stay there once he's there for long enough. I'm losing my mind.

I also noticed a few weeks ago in the stroller when he should be in a relaxed sitting position he keeps his left foot flexed the whole time. I've been watching his left foot and leg and it is always held stiff when he's supposed to be relaxing. (When he's standing, crawling, and using his foot it is normal.) I was told when he was a newborn he had "high tone" from a leader of a mom's group and to make sure I keep my body soft and relaxed while I hold him and nurse him so he can model that.

Let's see how the craniosacral helps. Let me know if you find anything.


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## Redmom

Sumsum

I'd be interested to hear how the craniosacral goes. I actually booked an appointment today for DS with the chiro on Friday for an assessment - I'm open to anything at this point.


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## Pomalca

Hi there. Same here. 10 month old waking every hour or less. Fourth child. Nursed back to sleep every time. Glad im not alone! What a relief. Resorted to all the same as all of you plus gaviscon, homeopathy, raised the mattress and a million other tricks with no luck. I must say homeopathy helped a little bit after a while but randomly too. If you find a solution that involves no CIo please please pass it on. Thank you thank you.


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## Weevil

Oh I just came to this forum to post a thread about the same issue!! My 18 month old is waking every hour all night long, sometimes waking in the night and staying up for a couple hours besides. It is driving me near insane with sleep deprivation. He has never been a sleeper and I haven't had more than four hours straight since he was born. He is also spirited and that combined with him not sleeping well makes for very long days of near constant meltdowns and whiney crankiness (which is hard enough to deal with when I have had sleep let alone when I am sleep deprived and cranky myself!)

We have also tried nearly everything to no avail. We have tried keeping him busy all day, quiet all day, tried to physically exhaust him, moved bath to before dinner instead of right before bed, bedtime snack, tried a consistent bedtime routine, chiropractor, even melatonin as a last "bad mommy" resort out of desperation .... No luck. The only thing left to try is a very strict schedule as per the Sleepless in America book but it is really hard to implement a schedule that strict (basically down to the minute) when he is so so so irregular as it is. (not to mention I have a hard time keeping to a schedule). We are currently visiting family for a few weeks and it has been chaos here, moving to different beds, people coming and going, no real schedule at all and it is definitely having an impact (we were doing a bit of a schedule before we left home and he was sleeping a bit better). He also cut four molars at once a couple of weeks ago and *wailed* for a week straight. It was horrible









We are all at the end of our ropes, I feel the same hopelessness and resentfulness as you do, OP. it is really hard to see people with toddlers who sleep so well and wonder what we are doing wrong. When I hear people complaining their kid is waking once or twice a night I want to shake them- hard!!

So yeah, really really feeling your pain. Still waiting for things to get better here. Still thinking "this shall pass" but I am beginning to wonder if it actually will, it feels like I have been saying that forever :/


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## newmamalizzy

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Weevil*
> 
> Oh I just came to this forum to post a thread about the same issue!! My 18 month old is waking every hour all night long, sometimes waking in the night and staying up for a couple hours besides. It is driving me near insane with sleep deprivation. He has never been a sleeper and I haven't had more than four hours straight since he was born. He is also spirited and that combined with him not sleeping well makes for very long days of near constant meltdowns and whiney crankiness (which is hard enough to deal with when I have had sleep let alone when I am sleep deprived and cranky myself!)
> We have also tried nearly everything to no avail. We have tried keeping him busy all day, quiet all day, tried to physically exhaust him, moved bath to before dinner instead of right before bed, bedtime snack, tried a consistent bedtime routine, chiropractor, even melatonin as a last "bad mommy" resort out of desperation .... No luck. The only thing left to try is a very strict schedule as per the Sleepless in America book but it is really hard to implement a schedule that strict (basically down to the minute) when he is so so so irregular as it is. (not to mention I have a hard time keeping to a schedule). We are currently visiting family for a few weeks and it has been chaos here, moving to different beds, people coming and going, no real schedule at all and it is definitely having an impact (we were doing a bit of a schedule before we left home and he was sleeping a bit better). He also cut four molars at once a couple of weeks ago and *wailed* for a week straight. It was horrible
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> We are all at the end of our ropes, I feel the same hopelessness and resentfulness as you do, OP. it is really hard to see people with toddlers who sleep so well and wonder what we are doing wrong. When I hear people complaining their kid is waking once or twice a night I want to shake them- hard!!
> So yeah, really really feeling your pain. Still waiting for things to get better here. Still thinking "this shall pass" but I am beginning to wonder if it actually will, it feels like I have been saying that forever :/


Have you tried altering his diet? What is he like when he wakes up? (So sorry, BTW. Mine was a very poor sleeper, too, but has gotten much better in the past 2 months or so. Could be a coincidence; could be due to the dietary changes we've made. Not sure.)


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## Hymanroth

I highly recommend looking into dietary stuff. Try food lab group on yahoo groups.

My son is allergic to wheat and gluten- the times when he had it either from my milk or eaten ( by accident)
he has screamed all night. Like so fussy that I can't put him down and I keep wondering what the heck is wrong and he just seems so uncomfortable and upset. I realized it was that in his diet.

Can you try camilia or other homeopathic medicine? I have so many from whole foods. I tried them all out because I was having a hard time. I realized gas tablets, teething tablets and camilia are amazing.

OH! And a couple nights ago my son sipped chamomile lavender tea and went to sleep right after. He had seemed so fussy - and bath time with me before bed is wonderful.

One morning I was so exhausted ( I had a long night out) and so I took a bubble bath with my son after we woke up, and he nursed and fell asleep again







he just thinks we go to sleep after our baths. Haha


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## Hymanroth

I want to add that my son is 11 months, last month he got 4 teeth in - all of his top teeth. That was HELL!


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## 63977

My 11 month old is a terrible sleeper. She wakes every 1-2 hours and seems to be getting worse instead of better. Tried increased solids, only one nap per day, all the tricks. Nothing worked. I figured I'm sleeping terribly nursing all night long but would sleep worse if I let her cry every time she woke up.


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## vanessax5

[SPOILER=Warning: Spoiler!][/SPOILER]
I kno exactly wat u mean!! I have had 5 children and my last(12 months old)will not sleep at night.u name it,iv done it all!!i have no idea wat the prob could b,nevr had this happen before but ma ybe we can brainstorm together!! h ere is my [email protected] good luck n hope to hear from u


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## LLQ1011

I played with my son in his crib instead of rocking him to sleep. Peakaboo and taking a blanket and putting it over him like a parachute. After a while he began to think of bed time as more fun. And we paly for a few minutes then I leave him alone and hes usually asleep within 10 to 15. The only problem is he wakes up and I can hear him playing in bed. He has a mobile that has buttons and males sounds and he likes to turn it on in the middle of the night if he wakes up too much. But for the most part he only wakes up once a night to nurse now.


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## aurahal

Same deal for us, my baby didn't sleep for more than 45 minutes until he was 10 months old. I also began to completely resent my baby, hate my husband because he couldn't fix it, and feel like I had zero emotional bandwidth. 5 months and 9 months were the wors points. Craniosacral therapy helped my critter settle a bit. A referral from your pediatrician should ensure insurance coverage. At some point, I had to evaluate whether my parenting choices were preventing him from learning how to self soothe. They weren't, but it was important to be honest about that. Relief finally came at 11 months when I started working with a counselor who primarily works with autistic children...and she helped me find ways to get him to choose to sleep. Using cues and soothing objects, avoiding triggers, using a very rigid routine to create predictability, and more. Now (12month), we don't fight about sleeping and the stress is mostly gone. He still wakes up every few hours, but getting back to sleep isn't hard. He's happier and I am finally sane again. Once I started workign again (12 hrs/wk), I was able to have some time when I was away from the struggle and stress of sleeping, and so I had more energy for it. I also hired the neighbor girl to watch the baby a few hours a week so I could have a break. Good luck...it's brutal and can destroy your self of self and damage your relationships and your family balance. So, find help wherever you can...for your baby, yourself and your marriage/household.


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## lokismum

I wanted to say we feel your pain, and in particular the hardness offeeling like you can't connect with your little guy during the day because you're just way too exhausted. People who don't have babies that won't sleep, nap, or stay asleep just don't understand the pain, endlessness, effort ...I did speak to a man whose two year old had never slept properly, and it turns out he had a low grade, chronic ear issue. Once they had it properly diagnosed and sorted he started sleeping far better. This man was a business owner, his wife a full time corporate career woman, and due to the severity of their exhaustion he actually sold his business and she couldnt return to work so don't feel you're alone. Our ten month old has never slept well, osteo helped, but nothing "solves" it.. I moved house so on any particular night either my husband or myself has the baby, the other has a night of total rest. It's working for us. Good luck fellow mummy, hang in there


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## FaithHopeLove29

I haven't had a chance to read replies, but I could read without replying. My son, 9 months old, is very similar to what you describe - I can count on one hand the number of times he's gone to bed "sleepy but awake" for me or my husband, for naps or bedtime. He doesn't fall asleep easily, and for months DH would hold him while he cried until he fell asleep (always less than 5 minutes, but sleep wouldn't come without tears). His longest stretch of sleep is 3 hours on a great night. There were weeks at a time when he would nurse every 45 minutes (we cosleep). The worst was when he would wake up to nurse and instead of going back to sleep, would fuss, cry, etc for an hour or longer after... DH doesn't really get involved in nighttime parenting, so it was some rough going there. I know I haven't slept more than two hours together since November. Anyways, I guess I'm sharing to say it's not as uncommon as you think, and after reading the Sleep Book and the Fussy Baby book in the Sears library, DS definitely sleeps like a high needs child. I haven't come out the other side yet, and the only tips I would give at this point is to do what works for you and try not to compare with other babies. I also had to stop reading any articles/blogs/books on sleep (I made an exception for the Sears books). I'm sure that one day, DS will require less of me at night. I'm also sure that there have been nights in the last few months when I felt like I couldn't make it one more night. Good luck, and I hope you find a nighttime solution that works for you.


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## Louisep

I haven't been on the board in years, but as I was contemplating how we've made it through two awful sleepers and come out the other side, I thought I'd check back in and see if I could give some encouragement. Because mama, I was so there. More so with my first, though my second was also a horrible sleeper, he was better in some respects and as a second time mom, I KNEW it would get better, so I dealt with it better. As a first time mom, everyone tells you it gets easier but you cannot see the light. I was so desperate, I get it completely.

A few things I've learned along the way:


10 months is the absolute worst time for sleep. Your child is processing major developmental milestones in his sleep - walking, talking. It is also teething hell. I actually blame all my sons' wakings on teething. It simply affected them tremendously. The first time either STTN was as soon as their final tooth popped through. I don't think that's a coincidence.
Drop your son's naps to an absolute minimum. We dropped to one nap with both at 12 months.
Get outside as much as possible. It will boost your mood and wear your child out
Don't obsess about getting him to sleep for naps. Getting my first son to sleep became my obsession and my job for a year. I became neurotic about it. I would try for an hour to get him to nap for a 45 minute nap! So pointless. Do yourself a favor and if he won't nap after 20 minutes of trying, give up. Do something completely different and try again later. This strategy saved my sanity with DS2. And he never ever suffered from what the parenting books like to call "over tired". The more tired the better in my experience!
First rule about sleep, don't talk about sleep! In my experience, those moms who say their kids STTN are lying through their teeth. And the price their children paid for the nights when they do STTN is not worth it. At all. It never fails to amuse me when my coworker who let all three of her children CIO from birth complains about how all three girls were screaming awake the night before. Children simply don't STTN, it's not in our genetic make up.


Now, do some children sleep better than others, yes. Creating strategies to maintain your sanity and to survive is key. I think your swapping strategy is great. That's what we did too from about 12 months on when I started night weaning. Do you BF? If not, I would recommend that you try trading off entire nights so that you have a complete break every other night. If you do BF, consider using the Jay Gordon night weaning method at 12 months.

Spend at least one hour every week doing something completely for yourself without the baby anywhere near you.

Find local attachment parenting groups.

The golden question: when will my child sleep better? For us, it was 14 months for DS1 and 16 months for DS2. This was after all their teeth had come through and my DH was taking care of most night wakings.

Just hang in there mama. I vividly remember my DS1 at about 2.5 years asking me to leave his room at night so he could sleep alone. It broke my heart. I couldn't believe this came from my high maintenance super dependent, cosleeping, night feeding baby. I say this because the time is going by slowly for you now, but before you know it, your baby will be four years old, a total Daddy's boy, and your second child will be well on his way to being the same.

I hope this helps even a little bit. You're an amazing mother.


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## Mom4Gus

Redmom - how did things end up? We are in the same boat with DS, and need some encouragement!


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## Redmom

Hi Mom4Gus....my son is now 2.5 years, and I wish I could tell you that he magically started STTN...but...having said that, things have vastly improved since those horrid nights of hourly/2-hourly wake ups.....

- When he was about 13 months he started sleeping "longer" stretches - about 3-4 hours. It felt like a huge improvement to get a longer stretch of sleep myself and at least I could see some improvement.

- Hubs and I continued to take turns co-sleeping with him. Somewhere along the line his need to nurse during the night got later and later...from 1am, to 2am, then to 4am. I can't really remember when it happened.

- And I really can't remember how the rest of it happened, but since he was about 2, he would wake around once a night to nurse and go back to sleep. There were many nights when he would wake, and hubs would get him back to sleep, so b/c he didn't need to nurse at night, I effectively got a full night's sleep....woo hoo.

- I tried to nightwean a few times using the Dr Jay Gordon method, but it didn't work out, caused more stress, and he didn't stop night waking, so we returned to nursing once or twice a night, then he eventually stopped doing on his own.

- We went through this really HORRID stretch just before he turned 2 for a few months where he would wake for the day at, like, 5 am or sometimes even 4.45am. It sucked, it really did. We tried earlier/later bedtimes etc, changing nap time etc but he had this internal alarm clock and would pop up at "stupid o'clock" each morning.

- A few months ago we spent a month in Australia, and, jetlag aside, he returned to waking at a reasonable time...like 6 or 6.30. (Anythign with a 5 in it or less is offensive in my book).

- A few weeks ago he was SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT...like...all night...about 50 % of the time. But....lately...he wakes every night at 11 and will not go back to sleep. This started around the time when we started potty training, so maybe it's related. We just deal with it, knowing that things will get better on their own, then worse, then better, then someday he will leave for college.

- But honestly, I feel so much better now than back when I wrote this post. I should point out that the above improvements happened without any intervention by us, so all those stupid books that tell you if your kid is not STTN by 3 months, 6 months etc are WRONG.

A few other things that helped me get through that period were:

- Every morning I would take my son for a walk to the park, stopping to pick up an iced coffee on the way. The walk to and from the park, and hanging out at the park with him (once he started walking) was about 2 hours, and I found it gave me a focus each morning. Plus the fresh air and exercise helped my mood. And the ice coffee felt like such a treat.

- Every evening when hubs comes home, he hangs out with DS and I get some solitude or exercise etc. I found it helped having this downtime.

The other thing is that, especially as my son got older and started talking and became more interactive, I have truly found it more fun to be with him during the daytime. We do lots of things together, and he likes to help me eg with cooking. The thing with a baby is that it's all very one way...me talking, me doing stuff etc. Now as a toddler, my DS is so funny and has his own little personality and interests.

So....as everyone says....it does get better but at the time it feels like hell, and rightly so.

Oh the other good thing that happened, was that when DS switched from 2 to 1 naps at about 16 months, instead of taking piddly little 30 minute naps, he started taking a glorious 2 hour nap. And I nap alongside him. And if feels amazing to get some sleep, glorious sleep.


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## La Maryam

Thank you Louise for sharing your story!!!!! And thank you Redmom. This what I have been searching the whole net for. To hear if someone has ever made it through withou CIO. It will keep me going








God willing things will get better, my LO will one day request me to let him have some sleep (alone!).I now know there's surely nothing abnormal with him not STTN at 12m. Attachment parenting was my natural inclination, I intend to continue follow my motherly instinct.

Much love xx


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## Mollystork

I'm in the same boat with my 10.5 month old son. I'm going nuts, and have broken down almost every day this week. My husband has finally gone along with co-sleeping, AP and such, but I've reached a low point AGAIN, and every time this happens, he says we should just let our baby CIO. I HATE CIO, but my husband thinks it's the best way to get him to sttn. It doesn't help that my in-laws swear by it too. It's hard to vent to my husband, knowing that he doesn't really condone co-sleeping, he's just going along with it when he saw how important it is to me. I can't turn off my heart, I can't "make" my baby fall asleep, but I also can't be putting him to sleep all day and all night, and thinking about HOW I'm going to put him to sleep all day and all night. I'm turning into monster-mom, and it's really hard when my husband doesn't truly support what I'm doing  When I complain to him, I'm not looking for more advice on CIO (I can get that anywhere) I'm just looking for some help and sympathy!


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## Mollystork

I forgot to mention I am under a time limit by my husband to try something new, because he won't stand for things being the same way that they've been. It just makes it more stressful


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## Vivien57

I thought even people that teach CIO say not to start before the child turns 1? If that is the case you could show him that to buy a little more time.

Even a few months makes a difference at this point.

Good luck.


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## aurahal

There are many things to try besides CIO. Some of them involve your baby, and some of them are about resetting the dynamic between your husband and you so that it's not your way vs his way.

- Change night nursing / feeding

- Change sleeping locations (this was the time when I moved my son to a crib mattress on the floor next to my bed in response to my husband's demands that something must change and he wanted to CIO. Of course, the change didn't help my son sleep any better, but it did give my husband something to focus on for about a month and half)

- come up with a gentle plan to for approaching sleeping that you and your husband can both deal with - The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley has many excellent suggestions and worksheets

- Begin a bedtime routine that involves dad

- Establish routines for waking during the night

- Tell your husband what you need him to do to support you - believe it or not, he probably doesn't know, and thinks you want him to solve the situation

- Find a way to mutually acknowledge with your husband that this is a stage - what doesn't work now will work at some time, and conversely what works for a bit will probably only work until your child hits another developmental phase

- get a babysitter and go out with your husband so you have something to talk about with him besides contentious sleep issues

Good luck...8-12 months is the most brutal sleep period, in my experience. It will get better, but you have to get through it.


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## aurahal

Oh, my other suggestion (hindsight on my part) is to stop trying to put him to sleep during the day for a few days. What I mean is to take your normal nap time but not have sleep as your goal. Think of it as cuddle time or quiet time for you together. if he sleeps, fine. If not, let him fall asleep on his own for a bit, whenever he's tired, even if that's face down on the kitchen floor. That will really help the strain on you of putting a baby to sleep all the time. You might even find that his sleep patterns have changed and he needs naps at different times than before.

(My son didn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time for a year, and then would scream for 30 minutes or more every time he woke up. He was exhausted and I was going crazy trying to get him to sleep. It turns out that he had medical issues, and no amount of sleep training made a difference.)


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## Mollystork

Thanks aurahal for all your advice!! It's definitely more difficult when you have to convince your husband that what you're doing will pay-off. Glad to know I'm not the only one. I think my husband sort of believes it, but I'm definitely the more patient of the two of us You're right, I do need to involve him more. I just need to trust him to be able to get our son into his crib with out waking him up!  (He starts off in the crib and then sleeps with us after the first waking).

I love "the no cry sleep solution" and am reading it for about the 5th time. I also realized that my son was getting constipated from the solids (mush) I was feeding him. He'd wake up grunting and tooting and thrashing around every morning around 4:30 or so until he was up for good around 6:30. I thought he was just gassy, but thanks to Dr. Sears I realized that all the food was too much on his tummy and causing some constipation. No wonder his poopies were so solid! I knew putting him in his crib wouldn't help, since he's still wake up and then wonder where Mommy is and of course freak out. Who wouldn't in the dark? I also knew/know CIO isn't the answer, as something was clearly bothering him. Since then he's been better with the gas, but still wakes up frequently. Now that he can crawl, he's been using me as a jungle gym all night. I finally hung up sheets and blankets in our room to darken it. I'd had a lot of luck doing that in his room, realizing that he gets so stimulated so easily. It's been much easier getting him to nap with a darker room, so I hope that by keeping our room darker at night, he won't be able to see anything and will realize it's still time to sleep!

How old is your son now? What were the issues he had? I hope it was nothing too serious. Do you have any suggestions for a routine in the middle of the night? I usually just nurse him again, but then that causes more gas and burps, which in turn keep him up even more! I'm usually just too tired to do anything else.

I hope you were able to work things out with your husband! Parenting definitely takes a lot of teamwork!!!


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## Redmom

Hi Mamas

I'm the mama who wrote the original post - that was over 2 years ago. My son is now 3 and he sleeps perfectly.

For us, it got better just after 13 months when he "only" woke 3 times a night, then once he hit 2 years it was just once a night, at 2.5 he started STTN completely - and I think we were probably the extreme case. It got better on its own, without any intervention from us.

Also I found out there is a developmental leap at around 10 months which can cause a huge sleep regression.

Hubs and I got through the worst time by taking turns sleeping with our son. Hubs would sleep with him for the first part of the night until he wanted to nurse, then I would sleep with him for the rest of the night. At least each of us had some mental downtime where we weren't on parenting duty.

But it was so incredibly hard at the time. We tried everything and nothing changed how he slept, so we just accepted that and concentrated on getting through each night and each day. ANd that was a relief b/c then I didn't feel like I had to be fixing something.

Above all, please be very kind and gentle with yourself.


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## MommaKuhel

What time do you start this ritual of getting him to bed?

Maybe just try getting you, baby and hubby into same bed at night whenever you and hubby are ready for bed. 10pm or even 11pm so you're all on same schedule and sleep in harmony.

Put on some rain music, relaxation piano music, zen, spa stuff for deep sleep that is 8+ hours in duration (youtube has plenty) , that way if baby wants to wake the music keeps him calm. Lower room temperature. Make sure your son has a full belly and milk right before bed, also put some sort of background noise like a small fan on so it's not dead silent. All these things have been proven in studies to keep sleepers asleep. The white noise has a calming rhythm effect to reassure REM sleep subconsciously.

Is he too hot or cold or does he wake bc of wet diaper ? Wants to be comforted? Is he hungry?


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## aurahal

Middle of the night routines are best when super simple, quiet and totally predictable. Boring, really. Just, "I love you. Night is for sleeping. We'll snuggle in the morning." With a pat on the back. Or whatever works for your situation. Just keep it really consistent so that a jangled kid can rely on it.

If your baby has gas or reflux problems, don't try to tank him up before sleep. That can backfire. Try eating then playing for a few minutes to let the food settle.

I agree that consistent sound can help with an easily stimulated baby. That's one reason why mama breathing in sleep is so soothing. Tabletop waterfall or a metronome seems to work well for us at times.

About the crawling at night - it's a phase and he'll get through it. He's probably close to learning to walk. Give him LOTS of opportunity to be VERY active right before bed. Play chase games on the bed and around the house. Hold his hands while he jumps on the bed, etc. Bath before bed also good for splashing, kicking, etc. We did also joint compression and weighting, by taking a pillow and pressing it down around him while he lay on the bed, from feet to head. Not so hard on the head, obviously! 

Again, that's why I moved my son to his own at this point. I put a crib mattress on the floor between a wall and my bed (just a mattress and box spring on the floor), then lined the two walls at the head of his mattress with a sheet covered camping mattress to keep it soft. I put a dresser at the end of my bed, reaching to the wall, so that there wasn't anywhere for my son to go without going over me. Totally safe, right next to me, I could even have a hand on him to soothe him, and yet I didnt' get kicked all night.

Becuase my son's issues were feeding-related, I worked really hard to lengthen the time between nursing at night, and to stop nursing at night altogether as soon as I could. It made a big difference. There are two ways to reduce nursing - space out the feedings, reduce food amount at feedings. Both are tough emotionally on baby and mama. This is where you have to really know what you're trying to achieve (what problems you're solving). Your husband can help immensely with changing the expectations and routines around night feeding.

Good luck!


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## stellastar

I'm sorry to hear that things are so exhausting. I wanted to share this blog post that I wrote Sleeping Through the Night. It's all about how I helped my daughter to sleep, without using traditional sleep training. I hope it's useful to you. At the time I co-slept with her and heard all sorts of advice about how it was the co-sleeping that was causing her to wake, but I realised that this wasn't the case at all. I hope it helps and you get a good night's sleep soon!


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## Mollystork

Thanks for the great link stellastar! It all makes sense, and I guess the idea of never letting our babies cry becomes so routine, that we don't even think about it. I'm at the point where I respond out of habit, not necessarily compassion. I'm just so burnt out and frustrated. But then again, most like my baby is too! I've actually found as well that when I've left him in his crib to cry (during one of MY meltdowns), I've felt better after coming to him, knowing I could connect and help him. While I don't plan on doing that if I can help it, the idea of letting him cry in my arms is interesting, and something I'm DEFINITELY willing to try at this point! Thanks for the info!


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## stellastar

Hi Molly, I'm really glad that this idea makes sense to you. Let me know how it goes! It can be hard sometimes listening to our children's upsets, but it's worth it, to see how relaxed and happy they are after letting go of their stress. Good luck!


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## Gavin'sMama

Redmom said:


> Our 10 month old has been waking every 1-2 hours since he was about 4 months.
> 
> If that wasn't bad enough lately he will not go to sleep easily. On a good night I hold him and walk him around the room until he falls asleep which usually takes 10 minutes. Lately even after 30+ minutes of doing this, although he will be asleep in my arms, the moment I place him in the crib he wakes and immediately starts screaming. He is getting heavier now so it is physically exhausting holding him and carrying him around.
> 
> He has never been a baby that we can place in the crib "drowsy but awake" otherwise he starts screaming.
> 
> I am just so incredibly exhausted, frustrated, desperate and resentful. I feel like I have no life of my own any more. I'm a stay at home mom, so during the day I have no energy to really be present for my son. I feel like I have nothign left to give him and that there is nothing left of me.
> 
> Our whole evening ends up being devoted to putting him to sleep. Even then he will wake 1-2 hours later and the process gets repeated. This is even before my husband or I get to sleep.
> 
> When we go to sleep, one of us co-sleeps with him and the other sleeps on the sofa. Then halfway through the night we swap. This was at least giving us of us a decent stretch of sleep. But lately with his resisting sleep, I am physically and emotionally spent.
> 
> I belong to a mom's group, all nice ladies, but their babies all sleep pretty much through the night, and they say their bedtime routine involves putting baby down awake, who then falls asleep on their awake. This makes me feel so alone and resentful to learn that there are other parents who are having such an easy time getting their baby to sleep. I see how much energy and how carefree these moms are, relatively speaking.
> 
> It makes me wonder "why me, why us?". We are good, loving parents, and through no fault of our own have a baby who has trouble sleeping.
> 
> Every day I wake up feeling worse. I find myself mentally tuning out from my son during the day. I don't feel like playing with him, I just want to sit and tune out. My focus of each day is nap time, when I put him down for a nap I take one too. This is what I look forward to each day. I feel so sad that I don't look forward to playing with my son each day.
> 
> I am worried that this experience will damage the bond between my son and I. I am honestly not enjoying being a mother right now. I sometimes wish I never had a baby, because of what my life has become.
> 
> My husband and I have looked for help in the medical community but the advice ends up being to let him cry it out, which we do not advocate.
> 
> I feel so incredibly alone in dealing with this issue. The only thing that gets me through is sharing how I feel on this board.
> 
> I am just so desperate. Everyone says "it will get easier", but for us it has not gotten any easier. Every day is harder and harder to get through.
> 
> I never thought being a mother would feel as horrible as I feel these days.


I feel like I wrote this post! This is 100 percent how you feel I'm at my end with solutions. We have tried CIO 20 minutes if crying is enough for me! I hope you figure out a solution!


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## MommaFH

I hope you all see this... seeing how the OP was several years ago (but I noticed that somebody posted a few months ago)... I am with you all 100%! I feel as though you all wrote these posts through me! Honestly, it's crazy! My life is exactly the same! My DS just turned 11 months 2 days ago. He has never been a good sleeper at all, suffered colic and acid reflux early on (still on zantac for the reflux), but I won't go into the whole story b/c quite frankly, it's exactly the same story many of you have told. When he was 3 months old, he slept 8 hours for 2 weeks! Just enough time for me and hubby to get used to it, and then it never happened again. There have been times that he has slept better than others (up to 3-4 hours between feedings) (and co-sleeping since 6 months, was in a rock-and-play before that due to the reflux) and things seemed to slowly be getting better up until about 9.5 months, he got 6 teeth in over a 6-8 week period, and it's been HELL. Day and night. (did I mention he's a cat napper? 30 min naps?) Anyway, between having been sick several times, or teething, it seems like there's always an "Excuse" for his poor sleeping habits. 

Fast forward to two weeks ago, his 8'th tooth was swelling up while he and I traveled alone to a family wedding across the country. He had a great weekend and slept REALLY well for me (first night was rough, but next two nights he only woke up once and slept solid in between!) At last! Things were progressing! Or so I thought... we got home Sunday night almost 2 weeks ago and things have been hell ever since. I mean HELL. Up thrashing around all night, up 5-6 times a night, crying, etc. Took him to PED, nothing wrong. We all did have a little stomach bug run through the house but it's been almost 2 weeks, so we can no longer blame that. Now i'm starting to wish I never complained about the 2-3 x a night wakings he's been doing the last several months! 

What's strange is, he usually wakes up and flops around before he's ready for a bottle, but lately he's been crying, and since we ruled out medical issues, I don't know what to think. Why is my 11 month old waking up as much as we newborn?

Needless to say, it's causing a lot of tension, exhaustion, resentment, etc. I am currently a SAHM, but i'm about to start nursing school, which means DS is starting day care on Monday. This will be a major adjustment. I hope they don't kick him out for not napping and crying! I KNOW he will flip shit with they put him in a PNP at a new place  At least he won't be there all day long. I'm frantic about all that as well.

I've tried everyone, and of course, everyone's suggestion is CIO, including PED. I just smile and say "no thanks" My husband and I are fed up, but at the same time, we don't want to do CIO. DS is VERY stubborn and strong willed (not a surprise, both mommy and daddy are as well) And my MIL told us my husband didn't sleep through the night until he was 4 (NOT what I needed to hear!) But anyway, one day I gave in and tried CIO. Worst. Idea. Ever. tried for almost an hour, and all that did was not allow me to get him anywhere NEAR a crib or PNP for a week! He would FREAK out! And I don't mean little cries and pouting, I mean screaming so hard he was choking on his spit. Awful. He does usually nap in his crib during the day, although it's usually short, it's better than nothing. I can't be napping with him all the time or getting him in that habit. I try to put him in the crib at night, and either he fights and screams and I give up, or he sleeps for an hour or so and then we bring him in our room so it's not a fight and ends on a good note (in hopes that one night he was just stay asleep in there). I'm leaving so much out, and maybe nobody has suggestions (and i'm sorry that I don't either) but just know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It's so nice to read that other people understand, b/c in the "real world", it seems like everyones kid but ours sleeps so well. My sisters boy (3 months older than mine) sleeps anywhere, anytime, 12 hours a night AT LEAST, without waking, and has since 5 months. Almost infuriating. Not her fault, and I certainly wouldn't wish my kids sleep habits on anyone, but I am so at a loss and feel helpless and some days depressed. 

i'm also sick and tired of everyone saying it's b/c we co-sleep, or it's b/c we wont CIO, or b/c we wont try this sleep solution and that. we have tried SO MANY THINGS. Not EVERY baby takes to that! I read "oh, I did CIO, and he cried for 5-10 mins and that was that". Good for you, you have an easy baby. This would NEVER happen with our ds, and people need to realize that every baby is different. I repeat "this too shall pass, it's only temporary" to myself every day and try to stay positive, but i'd be lying if I said it wasn't so tough. 

One last thing... ds did start walking about 12 days ago, and i'm sure hitting that big milestone has caused some bumps in the road... but that cannot account for going from waking 1-2 a night and sleeping in between, to waking up 3-4-5-6 times and being restless. Oh, and EATING several times. Which is ridiculous, he shouldn't need that (and i'm still BF, but not nursing). 

You all are not alone mommas. If someone has any more advice and/or updates, that would be wonderful. Some days I have to admit, it makes me not want any more  One day he will not want us to sleep with him, so I remind myself that too. Until then, I press on and thank God for a healthy child.


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## FaithHopeLove29

Hi MommaFH - Just taking a quick second to chime in. My son's 2 now, and some nights he sleeps through or he wakes 1 time to nurse, and other nights he's still up 3, 4, 5 times. He doesn't sleep without me very well yet, but it's been a bit better. I can't figure out why it varies, why he struggles, but his father was not a good sleeper as a child either. Don't worry too much about day care, when my son was in day care he figured out how to nap in the PNP just fine after a few days, he adjusted easily (and it's different when mom and dad aren't around, I've found) My husband actually moved out of our bedroom for a few months while my son was waking alot to get sleep for work, but we're all back together now. If you're worried about your sleep, maybe have your husband do night-time routines for a few nights and sleep on your own. I follow "Nurshable" I think the blog is called, she's on facebook, and frequently posts reminders that even without sleep training, all children figure out how to sleep eventually  good luck with school!


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## SuzyBelle

Thank you so much Redmom for coming back and updating - I actually found the mothering website googling feelings of resentment. I feel exactly like you did and while it is difficult to think I may still have months and months on bad nights ahead of me, it is very comforting to know that slowly things will start improving by themselves and I'm so happy I found this website as I too seem to only have friends who's babies sleep through the night and I was feeling very alone.


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