# lovingly curbing incessant talking...w/o guilt.



## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

i posted something about this in my Due in Dec. preg. club a few days ago and realized that i should probably ask the question here.
first of all, please no bashing. i think i do have a lot of patience w/ my little guy, but lately my patience has been wearing thinner b/c i am about to have ds3 any day now and have been having contractions since Sunday night (not including the contrax i was having prior to that).
my problem is this. when i am in pain, or have 10 things to do at one time, i find it difficult to listen/respond to ds2. he is 7 yo. i listen to him and respond to him ALOT but he constantly talks. his father doesn't help b/c we are divorced and he enccourages this behavior...he overcompensates IMHO. but i try to communicate to ds2 that i can't give him my full attention at the moment. the problem is that whenever those words come out of my mouth, i feel horrible. I want him to know that i am here for him and love him and care about what he is saying. I just can't do it all the time!!!! YKWIM?????
when i say he talks incessantly, that is an understatement. i will be in the kitchen washing dishes and he will be in the play room on his computer and he will be telling me what baseball teams are playing, who is pitching, hitting, states, etc. etc. All this while i am running water, etc. etc.
i don't want to hurt his feelings...i want him to learn that constant talking and attention should not be required by a parent/child relationship. i would like for him to learn to internalize some of this (of course, i feel exactly the opposite with my 15 yo who NEVER talks!!).
any advice out there from mamas who have communicated this delicate fact to their dc?
rach


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## Bippity (Sep 12, 2003)

My best friend has a 3 1/2 yo son who is a non-stop talker and is really compulsive about it - he has to repeat the same phrase to everyone in the room individually, by name. Her therapist recommends using more non-verbal responses with him like smiling, nodding, winking, etc. This was recommended not so much for her boy, but for Mom's sanity. So that she's doesn't feel like she has to come up with something to say every 2 seconds. Also, she's recommended MORE individual attention with him doing some activities that require problem solving, and she's trying to ask him more open-ended questions (as much as she can with a 3 1/2 yo.) and include asking him to talk about his feelings, etc. HTH!!


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I have tried to use a lot of "I" statements regarding this problem. For instance, _"I feel overwhelmed. I really need a few minutes of quiet. Can you help with that?"_ I think its fine to say, _"I can't give you my full attention right now. Can you save your thought for 5 minutes? I'll tell you when I'm ready to listen."_

I also think they need lots of time with peers.

And, when I really can't take it anymore, I tune them out. It sounds bad, right? But I nod and say "_ummm hmmmm_," etc. and at the same time escape mentally. Maybe it is bad. I don't know how anyone with children constantly could do otherwise though. I suppose it has to be better than snapping at them though, right?


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## Aeress (Jan 25, 2005)

I have a similiar 4yr old dd. I adore her stories but sometimes she does go on and on......for what seems like forever. I do tune her o0ut at times and then tune back in a minute later. i need to have some breaks








I have also started asking for a little quiet and letting her know that I will be ready to talk in a few minutes. I figure if I am not really going to listen and she wants to talk ot me, I would rather give her all my attention when I am ready, rather than basically, ignoring her. I don't think that it is insensitive to remind our children that sometimes quiet is o.k. too.


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

my ds is a talker too, lol, he is constantly talking. and ill say mmhmm, and he seems to NEVER hear me and keeps talking and repeating it over and over...... im like,,, honey, i HEARD you........i said ok.. and hes like well i didnt hear you .....


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## Hey Mama! (Dec 27, 2003)

I tell my 4 yo that I cannot listen right now. She's especially bad about going on and on in the car, and I really need to concentrate on the road.


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## amydidit (Jan 21, 2005)

I'm having the same problem with my 9yr old DD. She just constantly goes on and on and on and on... but she gets really upset when I tell her I need a few minutes of quiet, or need to concentrate, etc. ~sighs~ Especially in the car when she includes, "Look at this!" every 2 minutes while I'm trying to drive, and doesn't understand that I can't keep looking in the back at everything she wants to show me.

Sorry, no advice unfortunately... I'm really hoping for some advice from this thread though!


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

My ds is 3 years 4 mos and he talks incessantly too. I do the body language thing, nodding my head, and I also say "uh huh". Bad, I know, but when I'm cutting food or something else, I need to concentrate on what I'm doing. He is in a contrary phase right now, so sometimes he will badger me for an answer until I do.







:
I use MamaDuck's approach too, telling him that I can't answer every question right now, but I will be happy to talk to him when I'm done.

And like the op, I've actually told him to be quiet in the car. For short periods, like when I'm trying to pull out of somewhere difficult. I tell him that mama needs to watch and listen to the other cars so we don't get in a crash. He seems to get it most of the time.


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## Rhiannon Feimorgan (Aug 26, 2005)

I'm another mama of a chatterbox. I have no advice other than what has already been said. With my ds I will tell him that I need some quiet for a few min and I'll let him know when I'm ready to listen. Then when I am ready I try to realy focus on him, ask him questions about what he is talking to me about and realy try to help him feel heard. My hope is that this will balance those times when I just can't listen anymore. There is only so many times I can hear a play by play of his latest pacman game.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Just listening in . . .no advice. My DD (almost 4) does this, too. She says the same thing many, many different ways. She seems really hurt when I ask for some quiet time, however. She does "get it" on the road, though, because we've discussed it (the importance of concentrating while driving) many times.


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

Uh oh.... I am the mom of an incessantly talking 3 yo too... We are lucky that she talks to herself mostly and does not require much interaction..


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## PajamaMama (Dec 18, 2004)

My dd is 10 and so I can explain things a little bit to her now...she has always been a 'talkity talker'! lol

I recently told her that the thoughts that are always going through your head are your stream of consciousness and that there needs to be a filter between that and the mouth. She thought it was very cool that there was a name for the thoughts, it seemed to make it real to her that EVERYONE has thoughts all the time and that they learn to use restraint when sharing them! (Most people anyway)

When she was younger and driving me truly batty, I would play a cd and give her the lyrics sheet and she would sing along. She loves to know the words to songs and that would give me a break...until the music stopped! haha

With a younger kid you could use music with easy lyrics. Good luck!


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

On the plus side of the chatty children (and who am I kidding-- I'm talkative too)-- don't they jusy have amazing vocabularies?? There are benefits!


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I *was* that chatty child. And now I'm that chatty adult.

As a child, I was deeply deeply hurt by the teasing from adults about how talkative I was. I know the mamas here are much more sensitive than adults back then were, but still I wanted to put in a word for all the chatterbox kids out there. Please be careful not to make them feel bad about it. I still have deep issues around that whole part of my life. Not to say anybody has to listen to it all day, but choose your words carefully. I think the adults in my childhood all thought they were just being teasing/funny, but it wasn't funny to me at all. I couldn't help being the way I was, and somehow I got the message that it was bad to be that way, to be who I was, kwim?


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

to the pp, those are exactly the fears i have. i dont want my ds2 thinking i dont want to listen to him, or that i am not interested in what he has to say. i dont want him to grow up and think "my mom never listened to me...or thought i talked too much".
i also am a chatty person (duh...has anyone here noticed? lol!) and sometimes dh hurts my feelings when he doesn't listen to me (I can tell, you know dh???).
i HATE that i lose my patience sometimes, but lately w/ the preg. and the pain, i am just worn down KWIM?
rach


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

My dd, who is almost four, talks nonstop in the car, mostly asking one question after another. When I reach my limit, I just say, "Momma is done answering questions right now. I have to concentrate on driving." Then I ignore subsequent questions. Dd has a right to talk and ask questions all she wants, but I also have a right to not talk and answer questions when I don't feel like it. I think it's fine for kids to learn that other people have needs and that other people don't necessarily appreciate constant chatter.

Namaste!


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## lab (Jun 11, 2003)

This is my ds!

He's almost 12 now and he has been a non-stop talker his entire life. He is quite literally exhausting. My dh and I joke around that the reason our dd (2nd born) doesn't talk much is because ds never let her get a word in.

I did exactly what other posters suggested, non-verbal communication and then when he got older, simply explaining to him how now is not the time. The older we got, the more I got into explaining social cues etc. Because honestly, he needs to know when to stop with his friends YKWIM?

At 7 yo - the op's son is the perfect age to understand that mom needs some down time.

On the plus side - my ds12 (almost) talks to me about everything that goes on in his life. I know way more than I want to about middle school life!

Good luck with the new baby


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## Crunchier (Jun 26, 2003)

I work at home, so I HAVE to have some quiet time. I'm also very sensitive to noise, so if the tv is on, Ben is talking and the water is running, I'm going to fall apart. He understands that sometimes mami and daddy need quiet so we can think (while working or driving), and sometimes we have to talk to each other. We just tell Ben that it's not his turn, and he'll ask later if it's his turn, and then he can tell us whatever he wants.

I don't feel at all guilty about it, because I see it as teaching Ben to respect the needs of others. I want to learn to communicate effectively, and part of that is respecting your listener's needs. I don't want to raise him to be the kind of person who talks your ear off while you try repeatedly to get far,far away. (I'm that kind of person and it really sucks when you realize that so-and-so doesn't really like you







)


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Ugh, my 4yo is like this too. I _try_ to react calmly but more and more I find myself shouting "CAN YOU JUST *STOP TALKING* FOR A FEW MINUTES?????" or "I DON'T CARE!!"

My girls understand that I'm sick and there are times when too much noise is physically painful for me. DS doesn't "get it" yet. Much of the time he'll say things like "what's that?" and I don't even pay attention to what he's saying or pointing at and just respond with "I don't know. What do *you* think it is?" or "OK" without even listening to what he's chattering about.

To the OP, I think that a 7yo is old enough to understand that there are different rules at Mommy's house and Daddy's house. Maybe Daddy likes to talk about sports, but when you're with Mommy we play quieter games, and we don't talk while Mommy's washing dishes or using the toilet. You don't have to put down Daddy's way of handling things- just explain that you do things differently and explain what YOU expect.

Find a quiet time when you CAN listen to him and explain that while you can always love him, you can't always focus your attention on him. Also explain that when he wants attention and your'e not able to give it, it hurts your feelings when he keeps asking for it. He can be a big helper by giving Mommy enough quiet time.


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## Apryl Srissa (Oct 1, 2005)

My nine year old does this. I found a time when he had all my attention and explained honestly to him that I value what he says and want to be able to listen. I pointed out that when he does certain things, he isn't able to pay complete attention to me, and that I am the same sometimes. That I can't really listen well sometimes. And he understood, so now whenever he tries that, I don't tell him to be quiet (and sometimes I SO want to I am not a morning person and he wakes up talking full speed lol), I just say that I am really not able to listen right now and want to hear him, can he please hold on. Then be sure to make that time, don't forget. They do need to learn that moms are people and have other needs than just them, but that they are still important to you.

Hope you have labored and have a new baby by now!


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## Apryl Srissa (Oct 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rhiannon Feimorgan*
There is only so many times I can hear a play by play of his latest pacman game.









OMG, so it isn't just mine??? He wants to tell us every move in any game he plays, drives me nuts









I've tried to explain that I'm glad he is pleased with himself, but that I have no clue what he is talking about, but he says he doens't care, he just wants to tell me, so we compromise, he says it, and I say 'sounds good' or some other meaningless drivel, and he feels happy, but he knows that I have no clue. I do try to not do the 'good job' thing over it, but what can you say? lol


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

Haha, my son (7) does that. Talk talk talk talk talk, non stop, it drives me bonkers


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## CurlyTop (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bippity*
Also, she's recommended MORE individual attention with him....

I've noticed that when my children are constantly at me for attention, it's when I have been unable to spend uninterrupted quality time with them recently. When I can set a timer for 10 minutes, announce "It's Mama/DD2 Time!" and do whatever she wants (and I mean _whatever_ she wants even if it is something I don't enjoy) for the whole ten minutes, her need to interrupt with constant chatter is less. Note that our "Mama/Daughter Time" is basically sacred: I can't answer the phone, get a drink or go to the bathroom, find a sweater, or say No unless mandated by physical safety.

Maybe try scheduling a short Time-In with you every day or two and see if he gets what he's looking for without bending your ear every moment of the day.

Good luck!!
CurlyTop


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## alsoSarah (Apr 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CurlyTop*
I've noticed that when my children are constantly at me for attention, it's when I have been unable to spend uninterrupted quality time with them recently. When I can set a timer for 10 minutes, announce "It's Mama/DD2 Time!" and do whatever she wants (and I mean _whatever_ she wants even if it is something I don't enjoy) for the whole ten minutes, her need to interrupt with constant chatter is less. Note that our "Mama/Daughter Time" is basically sacred: I can't answer the phone, get a drink or go to the bathroom, find a sweater, or say No unless mandated by physical safety.

Maybe try scheduling a short Time-In with you every day or two and see if he gets what he's looking for without bending your ear every moment of the day.

Good luck!!
CurlyTop


I'm pretty sure that CurlyTop is a genius.
alsoSarah


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## sunbaby (Sep 30, 2002)

i say to dd, 'i am going to be quiet right now'. and that works for us. it is a statement about me, not her, and i feel she understands this, so no need for hurt feelings or guilt. sometimes she asks why and i just say, 'because i feel like it'. and that seems ok with her. if i get into this big long explaination thing, she picks up on my guilt and it leads us into more trouble, as she is a child who gets extra hyper and pushy when mommy is ungrounded or unhappy or unsure of herself.


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

You've gotten some great advice about spending more time with him, etc. I have one big talker (my 5yo) and a toddler who also wants attention and is repeating herself a lot. What finally helped my 5yo was learning to wait for her turn. When it's her turn she gets my undivided attention. Homeschooling has helped her too, because then she *does* get my full attention and we enjoy the time together, and the lesson soon goes to other topics she wants to talk about.

If all else fails, I wonder if he would enjoy a tape recorder so he can talk to it?


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

I've gotten some good ideas from this thread. Mostly glad to know we're not the only ones.


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## BethSLP (Mar 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Piglet68*
I *was* that chatty child. And now I'm that chatty adult.

As a child, I was deeply deeply hurt by the teasing from adults about how talkative I was. I know the mamas here are much more sensitive than adults back then were, but still I wanted to put in a word for all the chatterbox kids out there. Please be careful not to make them feel bad about it. I still have deep issues around that whole part of my life. Not to say anybody has to listen to it all day, but choose your words carefully. I think the adults in my childhood all thought they were just being teasing/funny, but it wasn't funny to me at all. I couldn't help being the way I was, and somehow I got the message that it was bad to be that way, to be who I was, kwim?

I can totally relate to this, because I experienced the exact same thing. I was a chatty kid and am a chatty adult and I'm fully expecting this baby inside of me may end up the same way. So I agree, that you have to be careful choosing your words.

HOWEVER, I also think it was important for me to learn that no one wanted to hear me yapping all day long. It may hurt feelings, but it also hurts if people avoid you because you are super annoying and you don't know why or how to modify your behavior to be more socially acceptable. Does that make sense?

I'm still a chatty adult and thats definetly a part of who I am. I try to be very conscious of it though, because of what I learned about how others perceive incessant chatter. I save the super wordy chat-a-thons for my chatty best friend, and I try to watch how much I talk off others' ears. I also make sure to listen to my colleagues during lunch rather than dominate conversations, etc. I'm not perfect, but I'm always trying to stay aware.

I know people who either never got that message, or did and didn't try to modify their behavior, but people find them hard to be around for long periods of time. I think this is just one area in life where you may feel dissapointment/hurt, but sometimes the lesson is important so you experience less of it later and know how to act.

Anyhow, thats just my take on it.
XOXO
Beth

P.S. I think the I statements are a GREAT suggestion. It takes the emphasis away from the kid (YOU are a chatterbox) to the parent (I need some quiet time). The message is the same, but the feel is more sensitive and gentle to me.


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