# Poetry - please share



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Sorry if this is overwhelming. I wrote a lot when I lost Amanda. This is what I could dig up. I can't beleive there's more laying around my house someplace. I'd love to hear what others have written. Please feel free to share.

*A Shopping List*
1. In the department store I pass the maternity section
I see the proud mothers to be
Excitedly picking out billowing dresses
And pants with adjustable snaps
Stretching my neck I pilfer a glimpse.

2. I pass the baby section and remember
That almost yesterday I was welcome there with warm smiles
Again, I see the mothers to be
Lovingly picking out cribs and bibs
Preparing for the bulge in their bellies.

3. These women are naïve, they do not know
That in a moment, a quick silent moment
It can come to a crashing halt
And death can sweep them so far away
From this mystical place.

4. I am now an outsider watching from my world
Seeing myself just a short time ago
I touch my belly where you used to live
And try to remember you dance
The closeness I once felt with you.

5. I cry a silent cry that only I can hear
My breasts are still weeping for you
But nobody can see through their happiness
They just smile and rub their bulges
And continue to shop.

6. I remember the day your heartbeat vanished
The silence from within
Repudiating the stillness and pretending
That you would be as I had imagined
But my childhood ended as I died with you.

7. I leave this place of memories
Because I can no longer face the pain
It is to hard to accept
So I go home and spend time remembering you
Alone and completely lonely.

*Lullaby to a Butterfly*
Warm breezes blow soft ripples
Through her cotton sundress
Revealing her private dream

She gently reaches
To catch a butterfly
Her voice whispers a lullaby

Rustling Autumn leavers
Suspend her song
Another dream lost to the sun

A small caterpillar
Silently spins his cocoon
She waits patiently for him to emerge

Expecting only beauty
Her song lingers on
Lullaby to a butterfly

*The Childless Mother*
The childless Mother wakes slowly,
savoring the numbness of mourning.

She pretends not to remember,
that today is Mother's Day.

*SHE HAS DIED*
The day fell silent
the doctor's oriental eyes
could not meet mine

as he said without words
she has died
I heard then his apology

I saw his pain
yet I felt not my own
numbness and calm

in the hallway someone asks
when I am due
she has died

that's when the nightmare began
the horror of death
which has never ended

she has died

*PROMISE*
The ground is covered
with a fresh blanket of white
just as you were several days ago

Just as the ground you were still
and silent, not a cry
So I cried for you

Soon the snow will melt and fade away
But you, not you
your memory will never fade

*A LACK OF DIGNITY*
Gently my tears begin
they have become so familiar
they're almost comforting

I cry openly, sometimes in public
hoping it will cleanse me
I no longer have dignity

Dignity would have been you
in the sling at the grocery
"How cute!, What's her name?"

I look forward to midnight
rocking you gently, gently
rocking, gently, gently rocking

pretending you are in my arms
pretending I am comforting you
nursing you, touching your cheek

I hold you close and kiss you
then gently lay you to sleep
goodnight my little dancer

*THE FAN*
Looking out on the horizon
Dimly lit with hope
Red skies dazzle the night air
No relief for summer's heat
Carry me through to tomorrow
When we meet to say goodbye

*LETTING GO*
As I let go of a balloon
I realized your drifting
I suppose you have been for some time
Your soul washes my face
As you race toward the sun
Are you truly free?
You're still a part of me

*DARK WINDS, HOLLOW WOMB*
Shadowed winds
Whip cold hollow gusts
Through my empty womb

Tears rain from the grey sky
Washing my face of all innocents.

*DIDN'T WE?*
Why are we so different?
I tired to make you a part of it
But you are angry and frustrated
I cry and have anxiety attacks

We both loved her, didn't we?
I know she grew inside me
But you read and sang and spoke
I took her with me everywhere

I guess we knew her differently
Didn't we

*NO 'I'M SORRY' CAME*
As we sat at the table
3 generations
Laughter and smiles

Nobody dared breath a word
Only "chatter"

Quick glances that shot away
Looking for retreat in the floor

Later hugs and a pat on the back
"take care" they say
but no "I'm sorry" came

*KIM'S PREGNANCY*
It's not that I'm not happy for you
It's that I'm not happy

I do not begrudge you your moment
I'm just sad that I lost mine

*MADNESS*
It's not just a baby I am missing
It's the baby I lost that I miss
My madness is not a hunger for a baby
But a loneliness for my first
Another baby will make me more whole one day
But her, now, I'm missing this one

*REALITY*
For I had lost you
I had nothing to show
Months of giving blood
Now it drains
The blood is an insult
Dark and thick
A reminder of death

*HAS IT COME TO THIS?*
I am on the floor
Crying, fists pounding, breasts leaking
I stroke them gently
To provoke the milk
It is all I have left of you
It flows freely like my tears
Cloudy and white
Watching it drip
Nutrition lost

*GRANDMA PLEASE*
Why can't you say it?
Amanda Leigh
Your granddaughter's name
Amanda Leigh
I know she died before you got to know
Her loving spirit did not grow
But you say the others
You call their names
You see their faces
You play grandma games
Why can't you say it?
Amanda Leigh
Don't you know she grew inside me?
She lived and kicked
Her heart did beat!
Why can't you say it?
Amanda Leigh
Grandma please
Amanda Leigh
She was alive inside of me!
Please say it
Amanda Leigh

*RUINED*
There is a bloodstain in my maternity pants
In my others, yes, that was ok
But my maternity pants were white and pure.

But, now there's a stain in my maternity pants
This wasn't supposed to be
Now they are stained and ruined, just like me.

*FOR DIANE*
Thank you
For letting me talk
And letting me cry

Thank you
For cheerful hello's
And tearful goodbyes

Thank you
For asking questions
And saying her name

Thank you
For not understanding
But sharing the pain

*A NEW HEART BEATS*
I think of you still my first child
As a new heart beats in my womb
I should be thinking of him
But instead I'm thinking of you.

We waited so long for you to be
But you had no breath
When you came to me
Born a dream, a distant memory.

Now my belly is growing
You are an older sister
And you have only been gone
For six short months.

Why are you gone?
I should be loving this new life
But today, I'm still mourning you
What's a brokenhearted mother to do?

*PACKED AWAY*
It's packed away now
So neat and tight
It's all packed away now
Only seven months later
In a little box
A little box
My daughter's life
A lifetime of hopes and dreams
All packed away
So neat and tight
In a little box
A little box
It only took a day
To pack away
In a river of tears
My daughter's life
In a little box
A little box
The room is empty now
It has been for so long
You can feel the emptiness
Silenced by cleanliness
In a little box
A little box
No more holding
Her burgundy dress
Rocking it gently
It's packed up tight
In a little box
A little box
Only her memories remain
I tried to pack them away
But they stayed
And would not go
In a little box
A little box


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## karenpl (Dec 18, 2001)

What a beautiful poems! Thanks for sharing, you have me crying at my computer. And you inspired me to maybe try my hands at some poetry too.

Karen


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## karenpl (Dec 18, 2001)

Empty belly.
Empty arms.
Full of longing.
Full of pain.
I cannot stand it,
But I know I will.
I want a baby
In my arms.


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Thank you, Jacque. Thank you...


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Karen, that's beautiful!

Katherine, I hope your doing well


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Karen,

Thank you for sharing. Oh, how I know that feeling, and you expressed it beautifully.

Jacque,

Yes, I think I am actually doing well. Sad, but well. I am functioning better, and am finally able to take better care of my family. And I have happy times now. I am grateful for those...


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Katherine







I'm glad to hear that.


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## trippenfaerie (Jun 17, 2003)

I am trying to type through the stream of tears after reading all of those heart wrenching poems! Thank you so much for sharing~I am so relieved to know that I am not alone in my grief, even when people say "aren't you over it yet?" Thank you thank you thank you~


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Thank you Jacque and Karen for sharing, and giving us a place to share.

Untitled

My body
rebels
at this intrusion
of our space

I ache
to rip it from me
but I know I must not
It is not your time
and yet it is
I must give into
this birth
and let it overtake me

Stop fighting it
because it will not
change the outcome
But if I close my eyes
I can deny it just
a moment longer

It cannot be true
my body cries out
yet my heart knows it is
knows I no longer
sense your presence
I sense your absence

I feel death
inside me
as you do not
participate in your own
birth

Water broken
I can hold back no
longer
you must be born
these things must happen

Decision made
Things move quickly
overpowering
and I exist only
in the moment
Our moment
the gift you gave me
of your birth

Mother's Cry

Primal sound
of ages past
rips through the air
death, birth merge

black rage
triumph becomes
what must be done
no joy in this exercise

Sweet newborn smell
no cry
silence
as women in the corner
weep

Silver cord
twist hard once, twice
as reason
gives rise to senseless

Carrie


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Carrie, You're words moved me deeply. I can feel the pain as if I were with you. Our pain is so profound it's amazing how you gave it such beauitiful words. Your baby will forever know the deep love you feel.

Yes, our pain is unique. I'm so greatful to Mothering for giving us this place of healing where we can be free to express so deeply the love only a mother can feel.


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

I hope a poem that *I* didn't write counts. I put this in a thread a few months ago for a gal. This poem helped me so much since I have such a hard time articulating my feelings. It helped my friends get it too.

For Those Few Weeks

For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
To be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks-
I came to know you...
And to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks-
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
Plans, dreams and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
And no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny, unfinished baby,
Or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks, my Little One.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
To make my life so much richer
And give me a small glimpse of eternity.

By Susan Erling


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Thank you! Yes, I LOVE that poem. We used it in a memorial service for our pregnancy and infant loss group many years ago. Thank you!


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Jacque, thank you. Her birth was especially bittersweet as I have a wonderful dr who gave me the option of a repeat c section, or an induced (with cervidil and pitocin, not cytotec) breech VBAC. Although her death was due to an unrelated cord injury, I developed severe early onset preeclampsia in both of my pregnancies, and so it is a distinct possibility that we will not have any more children by birth. Even if we do, they would most likely be preemies, and probably emergency cs as my son was. I have a consult appt with the perinatologist in a few weeks. We shall see...

I think the pg and birth loss boards here at MDC allow and accept grieving at a much slower pace than others that I have been to. To me, there is more of a sense of the profound, of the almost mystical quality that is associated with it that is expressed and accepted here, that I find lacking in a lot of other places. Even though I don't post much, even just reading here seems more helpful to me in many ways. Perhaps because the attitude toward motherhood is "deeper" here than many places the loss of it is acknowledged more?

Carrie


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## karenpl (Dec 18, 2001)

Carrie, very moving poem, thanks for sharing.
I wrote another one, while obsessing in my current 2ww.

*The Two Week Wait*

The two week wait
So hard, so long!
Am I pregnant?
Will it be another loss?
So long, so hard!
Two weeks of agony
Two weeks of hope
Two weeks of doubting
Two weeks of obsessing
So hard, so long!
Will there be yet another cycle at the end?
Or yet another pregnancy?
Two weeks of wondering
Two weeks of stressing
So long, so hard.
And in the end????
More waiting
For the first heartbeat
The first kick
Or for yet another loss
Nothing to do but wait and see
I can do this.
I have to!

Karen


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## mummamilk (Jul 15, 2003)

This was written by a friend. I keep it on my mirror.

"Some people only dream of angels.
We held one in our hands."

During this time we (Moms from LLL) were all trying to conceive our second child. We all experienced a pregnancy loss. I was very fortunate to have a great group of friends to support each other. I t helped me deal with my other losses.


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