# Mama Bear Instinct and the Flight or Fight Response



## Aster (Aug 12, 2002)

Anyone want to discuss the mama bear instinct and how it's useful, and how it isnt?

The other day, i perceived my son to be in danger, and my body totally went into the fight/flight response. Sympathetic nervous system kicked in, my heart started pounding, i got an adrenalin surge, my muscles tensed up, i started breathing faster. It was really hard to think, and i felt like i was moving on autopilot. It was really difficult to stay focused and rational. I felt like i was totally unprepared for that situation. And ended up fleeing with ds.

The kicker is, that ds wasnt really in mortal danger--it's not like he was going to run in front of a car or anything like that, he was just having an encounter with another child who was exhibiting aggressive behaviours. My response was the flight/fight thing.

This, after reading countless books and articles on parenting, and gd, and post after post here on mdc. Obviously i still have a ways to go before i become the enlightened, conscious, non-reactive, totally equipped to deal with any situation, guru of a parent that i want to become.


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

Fight or flight is a GOOD thing! I get the impression you wish you didn't have it. It does sometimes get triggered unneccessarily in our modern world, but I am still glad of it. The point of most survival instincts is the propagation of the species, which is why in many animals (us included) it extends to our offspring. Your son is your genetic future and you are driven to protect him. But yeah, it is embarrassing when it kicks in at inappropriate times!


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## Corriander (Nov 19, 2001)

This happened to me just last week and I am still a little freaked out about it. I won't go into all the details, but for about 3 seconds I thought that my 2 yo ds had been molested in the pool bathroom. Even after it was quite evident that he had *only* been verbally teased by some older boys (8-10 year olds) I was still furious. I found the camp counselor who was responsible for the other boys and laid into him for about 5 minutes.

(So I guess for me the flight or fight response is all about FIGHT!)

This counselor was 22 yo (I asked him his age because I thought his was behaviour was only slightly better than his campers.) I said some completely valid things and I hope I made a huge impression on him, but I also said some things completely out of anger. He reacted defensively to me which caused me to ramp it up even further. I was *screaming* at him for several minutes. Even after I calmed down and gave him a few pointers on how to better deal with an irate mama - we actually ended it by talking and shaking hands - I still continued to feel jumpy and jittery for the rest of the day.

I still alternate between feeling horribly embarrassed and completely justified because I am a mama and full of pregnancy hormones.

I actually have to laugh when I think about the fact that this guy was AT LEAST 6 feet tall. I was screaming UP to him and didn't even notice his height until he was walking away. I didn't notice because I KNEW that I could take this guy down if I needed to. I am still convinced that I could have knocked his block off if that had been necessary to protect my kid.

I have come out of the whole experience with increased confidence because I faced the situation head on. Even with my over reaction, I was still able to bring it down and become more rational. But I have always wondered, "will I have what it takes to protect my kids?"

Now I know the answer.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

oh yeah, this is a good thing!!

I remember once some kid down the street restrained dd and refused to let her go while he called her names. You can bet it kicked in big time and I gave him a peice of my mind. Never had an ounce of trouble with him after that. Don't mess with my kid!


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## noodle4u (Jul 19, 2002)

I get the 'fight' response over 'flight' in every situation. Sometimes I wish I wouldnt. There was this one time my daughter ( 6mos @the time) was a little fussy. I was sitting at the back of the room near the door just in case this happened. We were at a meeting for organic living and the dangers of gm foods
(just trying to set the mood here),so Im gathering up stuff to leave, because I didnt want to interupt meeting even though I didnt think people would mind a bit of fussing when this fellow came storming back and in an angry loud voice told me we were being disruptive and should get out. I swear I almost attacked him, even with a baby in my arms. My concious mind was trying to tell my instincts that he was old and even if he wasnt, attacking him would not be the appropriate response. So I stood there going







"ya?!", "ya?!"







then I managed to break contact and leave. I was fuming though. I dont like angry people, especially when they are in my space.
It happens all the time, especially when I hear angry voices, or barking dogs. I get all bristly and defensive.


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## padomi (Dec 28, 2002)

I have always had the Mama Bear Instinct - even before dd came along. I once laid into a jerk who falsely accused dh of something...that poor guy was sorry we crossed paths! I also had it as a kid with my kid brother. I confronted many of bully who picked on my "kid" (who was even then much bigger than me) brother. I have it SSOOOO much with dd. The other day, some little doofus teller at a craft shop said something to dd about pushing the buttons on the credit card swipey thing. I turned blood red and wanted to climb over that desk and grab her by the ears. Instead I just walked out and stewed about it all day. I think perhaps I'm a little tightly wound! :LOL Seriously, I honestly think it is such a physiological response. I dread the day someone threatens dd in any way. I will become psycho mama indeed!


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I am NOT a confrontational person. I usually burst into tears right at the moment I'm trying to stand up for myself. But after having a child, I know that I could take on anybody if it was to defend my child, lol.

Here's my recent experience with it. Me, DH, and DD were at the playground the other day. She's recently developed a love of swings. I thought DH was swinging her a bit too high. She was in one of those bucket-type seats, but she's still small enough that I had a very clear mental image of her going up, up, up...and just flipping right over and out of the seat. I became so anxious, the feeling of an aching pit in my stomach...all the while telling DH not to push her so high, sounding like a nagging cow (I freely admit it). Finally I just grabbed the chains of the swing and took over myself. After I had cooled down a bit I told DH that when I ask him to not do that, it's not so much that I think he's too stupid to be safe with his kid (that's how he takes it) but that I am feeling so anxious, disturbed, ill-at-ease, and sick to my stomach b/c of my mama instincts that really, it would be nice for him to just do it for my sake!!

He knows about this b/c I've told him so many times, but I know he'll never fully understand it. My head is constantly filled with icky visions of what "could" happen in any given situation. We'll be driving along a highway and see one of those "watch for falling rocks" signs and I immediately envision one landing right on DD in her car seat. If I'm holding her anywhere near a balcony railing I can picture her falling over it. I see danger everywhere, in everything, as if I were some obsessed sicko. I believe this is part of my protective mama instinct coming through. It forces me to be extra careful (sometimes overly so) in any given situation.

...gawd, Mother Nature really rocks, doesn't She?


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:

My head is constantly filled with icky visions of what "could" happen in any given situation.
That is totally me. I worry that by worrying I am going to make it happen. It is awful!


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## TEAK's Mom (Apr 25, 2003)

Me, too!

I can see with agonizing detail every last thing that could happen to my dd. An example happened this morning. Dh had the morning off and decided to keep dd home and go hike up a local mountian (I work part time). Immediately, my gut starts to panic: something could happen to them...dh could let her wander off...what about bears?!?

The fact is that it is a fairly easy and well-used trail and is as safe as it gets. And, it's not that I don't trust dh. But, I see disasters so clearly that I want to race in and defend my dd.

I used to be terrible about standing up for myself. I'd cry at the least opportune times. But, let anyone try to mess with dd and I'm a lioness...GER...


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## Friendlymama (Nov 13, 2002)

Me too on the icky thoughts.

When dd was a newborn, I had them really bad. I couldn't relax for 3 solid weeks after she was born for fear of something happening while I slept. Looking back, I think it was very hormone-related.

She's a year, and I'm starting to ease up a bit, but I still go bazerk (as in heart pounding, blood pressure spiking) when I see dd about to get hurt. Especially when it's by an older, bigger kid. Nothing boils my blood faster than seeing an older baby (even a nephew) boink her or push her down. ROAR!


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

It is funny b/c I am a former pre-school teacher, and pretty AP/GD even with other people's kids, well-I was! Not so much anymore LOL, but this one isn't about me, but my mom.

One day my mom and I were visiting family friends as their daughter and her children were there too, and they thought it would be nice for them to meet my dd, who was 16-17 months at the time. Well, familiy friend's granddaughter (3 years)was hitting at and kicking at my dd(jealous of the attention, I think), and the mom was being very AP, not yelling at her, trying to distract her, moving her inside for a few minutes to talk, then returning. Well, I was a little upset (worried that she might actually *get to* dd) but MY mother finally couldn't take it, and just took my dd for a walk around the block and came back and said we should get going, we got in the car and she didn't stop the whole way home about how evil this little girl, and more importantly her mother were (she doesn't really think that) but to this day(2 years later), she still doesn't want to get the kids together, so afraid that the "uncontrolled monster" will harm her precious granddaughter. She told me how she really wanted to grab the mother and shake some sense into her, to get her to stop her dd from trying to harm mine. It is just funny, cause she really is a nice woman, who is pretty reasonable about childhood behaviors, like if my dd hits my ds, she doesn't shake me, but if some other kid tries to hurt one of them, look out! I am still pretty reasonable with kids (from being a teacher), unless they go after a baby who can't *fight back*.


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## Aster (Aug 12, 2002)

I think one of the reasons this bothers me so much is that i've been trying so hard to be mindful, stay present in situations, to be non-reactive, etc, ykwim? And then the hormones (adrenalin rush!) kick in and i switch over to auto-pilot and i dont get a chance to use all the cool skills i've spent so much time and energy learning. If the mama-bear instinct were to kick in during a real emergency, then i could see it being beneficial, but for me, it's a real drag to have to deal with an adrenalin rush over awkward social situations. It's counterproductive for me, i guess.


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## Quickening (May 20, 2003)

Wow thats cool, piglet described it very well! Here I was thinking I was a freak for seeing mental pictures of dd getting hurt and being even more careful!

I think its good, it reminds me to be careful in situations where it could become dangerous if dd did something suddenly and I was not fast enough to respond etc.

On the other hand, it can be REALLY distressing seeing some of those mental images because they come through with such clarity and clearness that it is upsetting!


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

OK, I have one more. Now this situation required the instinct, no doubt about it. Dh and I were standing in the living room and ds was going upstairs, he is pretty good with stairs and so we allow him to go up alone, well the dog barked and startled ds so he fell, head over heals while dh and I watched, we both got the rush of adrenaline, but I guess dh's was worse, cause he actually knocked me down, like *purposefully* pushed me out of the way, and I fell on the floor. He aplogized right away when ds was all better, but he said he just couldn't help it, I was in his way of saving his boy.

Now, on topic, I have gotten the rush at inappropriate times as well, the first time was when dd was born (my first child) and my MIL came into my hospital room and took her from me, I wasn't just upset that she took her without asking, I was actually feeling that dd was in danger and hopped out of bed to get her back. I don't think MIL has ever forgotten that.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Quickening, thank you for saying that. It really helps to know I'm not the only one!!

I, too, try to remind myself it's so I can be a better mama bear.

A couple weeks ago we were sitting in our car as the ferry we were on was docking. DH is chatting away happily....me, I wouldn't do up the buckles on DD's carseat - I found myself envisioning how I'd save her if the ferry slammed into the dock and we started sinking...







:

Not pleasant, but I can see how such behaviour has evolved as a survival strategy!


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