# Parent Teacher Night Broke My Heart



## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Tonight was Parent Teacher night and while I started out excited to meet Hope's new teacher who was just assigned, Hope had a substitute for the first four days of school, it hit me like a mac truck. Everywhere I went I saw families with 2 children. Some of the kids were even the same age as my two girls. I came home so depressed feeling like such a complete and utter failure because Amy Dawn is dead and I'll never have my 2 girls with me.

I ache so much for Amy Dawn and all that she missed. The little Grade Ones don't know it but they are missing a classmate! And Hope is missing her big sister. If Amy Dawn were here I wouldn't have to worry about how Hope was on the school bus or if she felt comfortable at big school because she'd have her sister there. Instead she is alone and I feel like a complete sh*thead.
*sigh*

I feel so empty and like such a failure because despite wanting to give her everything I gave her nothing. I wanted to give her all the things I never had, a family, love, security, happiness, joy. And instead she got death. I feel so cheated and at the same time that I cheated her too.

I feel so sad and sick about the whole thing. How is it that my baby died? I don't know how I'm going to do these school functions without completely falling apart. I guess I just have to take it step by step like everything else in grief. God I hate this!!!!!!

I am so angry that she isn't here. I wish everyone could understand just how precious their children are! I feel very sad too because Hope is growing up so quickly and while she isn't as dependent which is relieving at times it breaks my heart because she may be our last baby. The finality of that is just unreal. I remember being so devastated at the end of her third birthday party because I knew it would probably be the last third birthday party I'll ever throw.

I am so terrified of failing Hope that I often push myself so hard to make sure I give her everything she needs that I get completely burnt out, suicidal even at times. I have to find a way to balance this but it is so hard to limit myself with giving to her when I feel so incredibly thrilled that she is here. Obviously I don't want to create a child without limits which would equal chaos but my heart longs to give her everything she desires because she is here. Every day I wake up with my precious Hope girl is such a wonderful gift.

This taking her to JK is so difficult. I really don't know the teacher and actually just met her tonight. The substitute I don't know either and she is nice but this is killing me and I don't think I ever really acknowledged how painful this is until tonight when it all came crashing down around me.

Fortunately Hope is doing great. On her first day after she got off the bus I asked her how her day was and she excitedly said, "Great and fun!" I was blown away by that, I still am. It's such a good thing she is doing so well because we'd be a terrible wreck if she was having a hard time with junior kindergarten.

Part of me feels like I'm abandoning her because I really don't know the teachers or who is looking after her all day. With nursery school I asked as many questions as I could and got to know the teachers to the best of my ability. This whole system seems so wrong. We should get to know the teachers BEFORE sending our kids off to be cared for and taught by them!

I hope I have made the right choice about Hope's schooling. First off, my dream for years was to send her to Montessori school, specifically the school I worked at as an assistant teacher for a year. I love Montessori's methods and the amazing way the children learn and all the amazing things they do. Having both of us working from home my husband didn't feel we could afford Montessori school and I tried to come to terms with public school, a place I never dreamed I'd send my precious Hope girl. Now granted I did go to public school and loved my country public school, but after learning about and seeing Montessori education in action I could see how much better it is and how helpful it is for the developing child. As warm as the school and its community seems I feel incredibly devastated that my dream of nine years is not going to happen.

I had to realize that sending Hope to Montessori school would cost me a lot and drain me down with extra financial stresses (paying for it each month)and increased demands on me (driving her to and from school every day plus fundraising etc). I know that sending Hope to the local public school was the best choice for our current state but I feel so devastated and like I've let her down too because in this case I can't give her all I want to give her. *sigh*

I know Hope is happy and does not know the difference. She is thrilled to ride the big yellow school bus. Thrilled to finally be a big girl going to public school. And I'm glad she is happy but I feel so empty and angry inside. I just wish Hope could know her sister because she was here not as an abstract notion. It breaks my heart.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm sorry for your loss Jen. I'm sorry this transition hurts so much. (((hugs))


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## Sandrine (Apr 14, 2004)




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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Jen--that sounds like a really rough day. Sorry you had to go through that.

It sounds like you filled AmyDawn's life with love and joy. She was lucky to have you, and your little Hope sounds like a strong little girl. You called yourself a failure--try looking at all you did give to your daughters, and still do. And Hope still has a Montessori trained Mommy at home, so it's okay! Please don't beat yourself up. Give yourself some credit.

I understand wanting to tell people how lucky they are to have their kids with them, here on earth. I'm not sure it's something most people think about.

Take care,

Keri


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Thank you momtwice, sandrine and lolalapcat for your kind caring replies. I appreciate it.

I tried to fill Amy Dawn's life with love and joy and sometimes I think she was happy. I remember feeling her kicking and how happy she seemed to kick to the music at church, it was like she was playing inside me. I do hope she was happy for the short time she was here but I'll never know for sure.

I know I should try to focus on what I have given to my girls and as much as I have been able to give them a lot it is so far from all that I wanted to give to them. Especially to Amy Dawn. Death wasn't something I was going to give my kids. I was going to give her the best and she was stillborn, I feel like I gave her death which is horrible and definitely not the best. Not what I wanted at all!

It is such a good thing that Hope is happy and doing so well in JK it does help. Today I saw Hope's friend from nursery school who was crying while waiting for school to begin. I couldn't send her knowing she was struggling like that everyday, I'd have to pull her out of school. I just couldn't bear to have her bawl each and every day because she found all the changes overwhelming.

I don't think I could have felt any more angry, devastated and depressed for all that Amy Dawn and I missed together, for all I missed as a child and for not being absolutely perfect for Amy Dawn and Hope last night.
















Today I had a long nap (long overdue) and am trying to solely focus on me despite the huge amount of work I need to do. I have to take care of myself so I can be here tomorrow and the next day and the next day etc for Hopie. Sometimes it is just so difficult though. *sigh*

This morning a mom I just met the other day literally peeled her daughter off of her and forced her to go into JK, I was so angry and sad too! She totally could have eased the transition by kindly giving her a hug and telling her that she would be okay and that she would see Mommy again that night but instead she was so cruel about it. I wouldn't have done that!!!! Not in a million years!!! And she got her kids! ARGH!














:

I have to slow myself down and stop trying to be perfect although I've been fighting this battle ever since Hope was born. *sigh* Maybe someday I will get better at it. I wish I could be Super Mom! I wish my needs were met for social, sleep and fun too.

I'm going to try to take better care of myself this weekend even if it means leaving the house a mess (which I hate to do) because my first priority *has* to making sure I am here for Hopie for as long as possible.

Thanks for being here Moms and if you have any encouragement or ideas PLEASE pass them on to me.

I seriously need to book a spa day! I am way overdue for that kind of self care.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

I am so sorry! My heart aches for you.

Please take care of yourself. Hope won't remeber a dirty house! Go and enjoy the day


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Jen--you have such a big heart! You must be a wonderful mommy.

Have you ever tried journaling? So much is going through your head, it could help to write it down (like you're doing here, I guess!). That helps me--it's like I have permission to stop thinking about something, since it's written down. I won't forget it, I don't have to keep thinking about it.

I also write down the blessings in my life, so I'm not just journaling negative things. Life is a balance, and sometimes you have to get your boat back on even keel. I know, it's hard when you have suffered such a loss. But this can help.

Go with the spa day! Your body needs some pampering, just like your spirit does.

And I only watch comedies now, movies and tv, even if I don't feel like laughing. Laughter nourishes the soul!

I hope something here helps! Take good, good care of yourself!

Keri


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Even if you had 12 kids I don't think this would be any easier- you'd still be missing your precious litle girl.


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## apcanadianmamma (Sep 30, 2004)

I'm so sorry









My DD just started JK yesterday and she is missing having her big brother there. It does make me sad because now SHE is the oldest and she wasn't suppose to be. I'm glad your DD is enjoying school - mine is too. Today as all the JK's were lining up to go inside a little girl just started wailing. It was horrible...she wanted her Daddy and he had already left









((Hugs))


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