# A babymoon is "unusual"? What?



## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

So I was chatting with my brother today and apparently my mother told him that it's "unusual" for a new mom to want time alone with her baby and partner to bond and fall in love. See, I'm making everyone wait at least a week before they come to visit, and once they're here I'm breaking their visiting days into two two-hour blocks to keep things manageable and low key.

My mother has never been great about acknowledging others' boundaries, especially mine, and my brother was surprisingly hostile when I told him about our plans. Now I know it's because she's been telling him that we're selfish freaks for wanting a whole week (gasp!) alone with our newborn before visitors start pouring in.







I set him straight and things are fine between us now, but ugh.

Anyway, I thought I'd make this all official like and poll you ladies: Do you think it's unusual to want time alone with your baby and partner after the birth? Please help me know that I'm not the crazy one here.

Thanks in advance for your input.


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## Arwyn (Sep 9, 2004)

Heck NO!

I don't really think it's unusual to want the support of one's community and family during that time, either, though.

As for us, no one but my partner or I held Naked Baby until he was 7 weeks old -- and that first time (with my sister), I was practically hyperventilating the whole five minutes!









You are definitely not crazy, and not alone.


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## Jannah6 (Aug 29, 2007)

No, I don't think it's weird. I think I needed a babymoon with DS2, but of course didn't get one. While I'm all for it, I know that in some cultures and religions this would be rude to ask for.


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## kwilki8 (May 24, 2005)

I don't think it's unusual to want a babymoon. I do think it is unusual (not weird, just not commonly done) to actually have one. I don't know anyone who requested no visitors after baby. For myself, I wanted my mom around to keep the house running so I had time to focus solely on the baby. My mom is very good about boundaries and only wanted to do what was helpful (i.e., not pushing to hold baby constantly), though.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

i voted other. I don't think it is unusual, but it is not me. i need lots of company and to go out right away. I think i am the more unusual one.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

I voted "other". Yes, it is unusual in that it is not the usual. But I think it's great, and go for it.









( BTW your poll threw me off for at first because thinking something is unusual doesn't mean you don't believe it is the best thing ever.







)


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## KD's Momma (Oct 24, 2004)

no, I don't think it's unusual but I know people who think it is. Namely my mom. She absolutley throws a complete fit everytime I tell her she can't come the day the baby is born and that she must wait *gasp* at least a week before coming to invade our privacy.


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## Collinsky (Jul 7, 2004)

I chose other... I think it's natural to want one (in keeping with nature) but not normal to have one (it goes against social norms.)

I have been glad to have loved ones around after my births, but I remember after my first was born and people "visited"... there is a big difference in people there to help you and people there as guests. Just in energy, if nothing else. I spent the whole first week just praying that all the guests would LEAVE and let me be alone with my baby. It was awful. I felt horribly invaded.

But then after my second was born, it really was me alone with the baby and Dh, and I really really needed someone else there. Not the guests, but my mother, my sisters, my grandmother, etc.

After my third and fourth, I feel like I had the perfect babymoons, the friends and family visiting was enough to make me feel completely supported, without being invasive.

I see a babymoon as a protected, celebratory, bonding time, a time released from the normal duties - not necessarily isolation. Everyone should have their needs met...it's going to vary from mama to mama!


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

I voted other but I didn't know what a baby moon was







I think thats perfectly acceptable! I will allow a day, maybe two that people can come see us. After that, if your not my mom or sisters or husband, STAY AWAY! I plan on staying in bed for like 2 weeks and doing nothing but nursing and eating.







:


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## luckymamato2 (Jun 3, 2006)

I wanted 2 weeks with my dh, my ds, and new dd. I only got 1, because dh didn't feel he could be away from work for 2 weeks. It was easy to pull off because we lived a plane ride away from 99% of our family. My SIL drove down the day of the birth to care for ds and kept him overnight in our apartment. We came home in the middle of the night, and after we all slept in, she left and drove ~2 hours home.

No one (outside of a couple of dh's co-workers who also brought dinner) visited us until my MIL came at the end of week 1, and my mom came at the end of week 2. They each stayed a week and helped with ds. I am pretty sure I won't get anything like that if there is another pg in store for us, because we live close to our family again. I'll be lucky to get 1 night. Hopefully we can control drop-ins and crowds.

It is unusual to ask for one or get one in my family, but it's not wierd to me. I would recommend them to anyone, and I make a point NOT to visit babies in the hospital or call/visit before they invite me to do so.


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## Full Heart (Apr 27, 2004)

Nope don't think it unusual. I do think that while many women want one, few get it. Because of family pressures, everyone wanting to see the baby and our busy lifestyles.

My great grandmother had a fit because my mother never took enough time off after she had a baby. She felt you shouldn't even be out of bed the first week. I think she was a wise woman.


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## AstridS (Mar 9, 2007)

I voted other. I didn't have a babymoon last time. My mother was babysitting dd1 while I gave birth to dd2, so she came by the next day to drop off dd1.
But I would like a babymoon next time. My priorities have changed. I didn't need it the previous two times. But I think I will have one next time.


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

Um, no. Not unusual at all. I mean, everyone has their differing views, but I think it's fine to have time alone with your baby and your partner. I don't understand why someone would think that was weird?


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Thought I wanted a babymoon, arranged to have one, transferred to hospital, didn't get one, didn't mind.


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## Murihiku (Oct 2, 2008)

Everyone is different. I would have loved visitors at the hospital where I had DS1 but it was during SARS in Toronto and no visitors were allowed.

I like family and friends to come and tell me that my baby is beautiful and I look great and all those other gentle fibs, and I want to tell my birth story over and over.

If I ever get to be a grandmother and am asked to stay away from the new baby for a week or so, I will try to understand, but I'm sure I'll burst into tears.

I have no problem staying away from friends and their new babies for as long as they need me to, though!

ETA: I voted for your second option: a new mother should have her needs met!


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## Collinsky (Jul 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angelpie545* 
Um, no. Not unusual at all. I mean, everyone has their differing views, but I think it's fine to have time alone with your baby and your partner. I don't understand why someone would think that was weird?

It just depends on the culture of the family... for instance, my MIL fully expected to be invited into the births of her DILs. Birth is seen as a family event and mothers, aunts, grandmothers, everyone should be there supporting the mother. I could think of few things more invasive than to have a crowd of people in my birth experience! The idea of a private birth is foreign to her. It's not wrong for her to feel that way... it's just different. But in the end, the one having the baby should get to say what she wants WITHOUT GUILT OR PRESSURE!! In birth, and afterwards.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I had to vote "other". I had a "modified babymoon" after my daughter's births (and then with DS when he was home from the hospital.) It wasn't JUST me and my partner though. I let other people visit for short bursts of time. My next door neighbor was over when DD1 was about an hour old, and it was wonderful! I didn't do a lot of socializing, and my time was mostly focused on learning to love and care for the new baby, but I had no problem with grandparents visiting the day or two after the birth and staying an hour or so. My own mother couldn't come for a few weeks just because she was further away and needed to sleep over, and it made more sense for her to come when DH went back to work. Had she lived locally, she would have been over the next day for a short visit, or a longer stay to help out.

When DS was born, I lived with my parents, DP was estranged from his parents, and there really wasn't anybody else to come visit us anyway.


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## sarahlynne (Jan 21, 2005)

I have not read the other posts before aswering, so if this is a repeat i'll edit later: I would say that it is unusual --in the sense that women in the west just don't usually do it. I do not think it is weird in the least, however and I atempt to do it myself. It is interesting to note that cultures that commonly do this have much lower rates of ppd - it seems to be working for a lot of people







Happy Babymoon to You!


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Not unusual in these parts (MDC) but I certainly wouldn't be offended or surprised if the idea left some people scratching their heads.


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## Patchfire (Dec 11, 2001)

I will be honest - I would not want a babymoon in the sense of no one but my kids and dh and I, because I really appreciate the help of my mother and other family members in entertaining my older kids. In that sense, though, I do like having time to myself with the baby... I just need others to help facilitate it.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

I wanted a babymoon... but try telling that to my family... picture 20 italian women and their offspring showing up at your house with enough food to feed a small country wondering where they went wrong that their own (daughter, granddaughter, niece, third cousin, hairdresser's neighbor) didnt want to see her family and how could i not let them see the bambino they have been waiting and praying for for so long.

LOL not even joking. but it turned out great for me they were a huge help they cooked and cleaned lol even if they were slightly overwhelming. DP, on the other hand, probably wanted to hide.


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## Sheryl1678 (Sep 15, 2006)

I didn't get one the first time around and I plan to take at least two weeks where I do as little as possible and it might even be longer than that before our first outing. I can't wait.


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## kalirush (Jun 14, 2005)

I don't know anyone in real life who's done a full-on babymoon, even in my local AP group, so I think it's unusual. But, if that's what you want, more power to you.


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## tallulahma (Jun 16, 2006)

i did it. people could drop off food....but no visits over an hour.

my family live 2000 imles away though... so does dh's. and my friends were all cool.

i was lucky.

i did howver wish my midwives couldve stayed the night.. our energy was awesome & i didnt ever want them to leave.







:


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

I voted other. I think I will let my family see the babe, maybe even the day of/day after depending on how the labor goes.

Then it will be time for a week or two of no visits whatsoever.

I figure if they stop by, see the new little one, say hi and then leave, that will get all the pressure off on both sides. And then I can just ignore the world (phone and door).


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## hellyaellen (Nov 8, 2005)

with my first we had people over the same day we came home and i wasn't real happy about it. i felt so violated...........they cleaned up even in our bedroom and have forever felt the need to comment on the state of the house at the time (it was almost 9 years ago!!!!)..........and they got there before we did even

with the next one we were living with my mom so a babymoon wasn't gonna happen, but at least we didn't have anybody over that didn't actually live in the house for at least a few days........

next time i'm so looking forward to a real babymoon, we live on our now so its do-able and over the years they've all learned to respect my boundaries to some extent, at least they'll ask before they come and i can put them off for a few days i'm sure


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## meganmarie (Jan 29, 2005)

Quote:

I will be honest - I would not want a babymoon in the sense of no one but my kids and dh and I, because I really appreciate the help of my mother and other family members in entertaining my older kids. In that sense, though, I do like having time to myself with the baby... I just need others to help facilitate it.
Agree with this for me personally.

Also, I was so excited right after birth to show off the new baby - we were so proud and happy, we couldn't wait for the family to gather round. I was a little offended when FIL took almost 5 days to get himself motivated to show up and visit and see his first grandson.

In my family, no way would it fly to say you can't see your new grandchild for a week. They would of course respect our wishes in terms of how much company/contact/visiting we wanted in the first week or two and beyond that; but they would be hurt and sad not to meet the new baby at least briefly right away. Its such a special and short time, and I guess I don't really feel the first days belong only to the mom and dad. (I'm also one of those people who feels the wedding isn't only about what the bride wants - its a celebration for the entire tribe).

No question, everyone can feel differently about this.


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## 2+twins (Apr 20, 2004)

Crap! I voted wrong!







What I meant was that I don't think it's weird to want a babymoon the way you described but I don't think of a babymoon in those terms, personally. For me, I can't wait to have close friends and family come and meet the baby. I'm even okay with them holding him/her for a little while. But, I still consider that my babymooning period - I'm primarily with baby, staying in bed as much as possible. Just nursing, changing diapers, and falling in love. I think it's a very important time but I don't think it needs to be a time to exclude other loved ones. Whatever works for you, though, mama! I don't think it's necessarily weird by any means.


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## diamond lil (Oct 6, 2003)

My inlaws came over the day we came home from the hospital, unannounced. I was tired and just wanted to relax with my baby. They stayed way too long and I just wanted them to leave.


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## tndixiemom (Jul 16, 2007)

I wouldn't have this kind of babymoon because my entire family is so close and it would kill them not to see the baby. When I had ds, only my mom and dh were in the delivery room, but about 20 members of dh's and my family came in about 5 minutes after they could us cleaned up. They all sang happy birthday and held him. It was a bonding experience. For us, the family is everyone. It is not just Dh, myself, and our kids. It is aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins. I want them to be just as close to the kids as I am. If I can't help them with something, I want them to have a multitude of others that they are just as close to. I think that starts from birth.

Also, a babymoon is different for different people. A lot of people say babymoon, but they are talking about a little getaway for just the parents before the baby is born. We do plan on doing that. It will be our last getaway with just the two of us for awhile so it is nice to get that time to ourselves.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

For me, it would feel odd. I like to jump right back into life, and I would miss my family's visits and help.


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## boscopup (Jul 15, 2005)

I voted other because while I think a babymoon is not unusual, I didn't think the poll options applied to my thinking.







I personally don't want a babymoon as you describe. I like people coming by that first week... I guess it gives me a chance to show off my accomplishment.







I also like having the help that first week. My mom comes over and does chores and helps with the older child(ren), and ladies at church bring me food for 3 weeks (!!!).

I like all the visiting to happen right away, and then after that first week, I like DH to go back to work and let me get into the swing of things with the new little one added in. And I can't really do that until people are out of my hair.

I bond just fine with my baby even when visitors come by, but it's not like we have THAT many visitors. The grandparents might stop by for a couple hours or so, but I don't have friends streaming in. Most of them leave me alone. In fact, one benefit of bringing food to someone that's just had a baby is that you get to see and maybe even hold the baby. I always sign up quick to bring food to new moms for that very reason (besides the fact that I want to provide them with a meal so the mom doesn't have to cook, of course







). I don't usually visit a new mom if I'm not bringing them food.

Also, I might be a bit clouded by the fact that my first baby was in the NICU for 4 weeks, and when I brought him home, I was told by the doctors to keep him at home until his due date (another 6.5 weeks). So we were housebound for that length of time, and I really wanted to get OUT. So with my full term baby, I was really happy to get moving right away as soon as I felt up to it! I get stir crazy if I'm home alone for a long time, and a 2 week babymoon like you describe would just make me bonkers. But that's just me. I totally understand those who like the babymoon, and I would definitely respect the wishes of a family member or friend who wanted one.


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## phatchristy (Jul 6, 2005)

Oh, I totally had a babymoon with my babies. Though my mom was here to help clean/cook/take care of the house that sort of thing. And, this time she is coming again to help DP take care of the older kiddos. There is nothing as special as having that initial bonding time to get to know and fall in love with your baby. I also find I'm extremely posessive/protective of my little ones after they are born...I think I have a strong hormonal drive in that respect.

It's funny how other people do "assume" that my mom is coming over to help me take care of the baby. LOL. I have to inform them, nope...she's helping with everything else so I can concentrate on the baby!


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## claras_mom (Apr 25, 2006)

Other: It's not weird; it's whatever works for you. My sister and her husband wanted time alone; OTOH, I enjoyed having my mom here for the first few weeks and liked having good friends visit in the first week.

ETA - mom was taking care of me; I'm her "baby." Snacks magically appeared, laundry was done, the kitchen was clean. That made it easy for me to take care of my baby.


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## Nautical (Mar 4, 2008)

I don't think that it is weird. We have requested that there be no out-of-town visitors the first week. Our whole family lives across the country, so there's no threat of them just "dropping by." Local friends will be stopping by to drop off meals for us but no one will be staying longer than 10 minutes. The way that I explained it to family is that we won't be having a hospital stay, and if we were the hospital would have regulated visiting hours for a good reason. We can't nicely tell Grandma who flew across the country that she needs to leave after thirty minutes. So, the family needs to wait until we've adjusted to being a trio and have had some recovery time. We also want Dh to use his leave to bond with the baby not to play host. Family can come after Dh uses his week of paid leave. If our family lived locally, there's no way they would respect this though. They would all just show up. In that case, we probably wouldn't announce the birth for a few days.


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## kittyhead (Oct 28, 2005)

well, i wanted to see everybody right away and show off my baby and introduce him to my friends/family. we probably had 25 guests the first week. but i could see how someone might want some time alone with their new family... so i dont think its weird.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Didn't vote in the poll... I do think it's unusual in this culture. But it's a good thing! I wish it were more usual.


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## colobus237 (Feb 2, 2004)

I guess if our parents were crummy people and we really didn't want to associate with them at all, it would be a different story, but yeah, it seems pretty unusual to make grandparents wait weeks or more to meet their new grandchild. I can totally understand not wanting people to camp out for hours or days or to be there minutes after you give birth, though.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ccohenou* 
I guess if our parents were crummy people and we really didn't want to associate with them at all, it would be a different story, but yeah, it seems pretty unusual to make grandparents wait weeks or more to meet their new grandchild. I can totally understand not wanting people to camp out for hours or days or to be there minutes after you give birth, though.

My ILs are wonderful people and while I don't get along with my parents, they're not evil or anything. I just want a week alone with the new baby and DH to bond and learn to nurse in peace. And apparently I'm not the only one.









Thanks for voting and posting, everybody! It's reassuring to know that keeping things private for a short time after the birth isn't some insane, unheard of thing to do (not that that would stop me, but you know).


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## jrabbit (May 10, 2008)

I was thinking "no, it's not unusual", but the more I ponder, I guess, yes, it is a bit unusual in the sense that most parents wouldn't even consider it. Wish I had time to read all the replies, but I want to just say that I would really respect anyone vocalizing that desire. I think it's kind of weird to "want" to visit a mom after such an intimate personal experience, and I personally don't do that to other moms - whether or not they think I'm weird for not doing it, I wouldn't know. I never went out of my way to encourage or discourage anyone in particular, until I was actually ready to invite them.

Great plan - enjoy!
--janis


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## colobus237 (Feb 2, 2004)

It somehow seems oddly contrary to the values of community and tending toward nuclear-family-isolation, though, which I often see decried here.









Also, I'm not sure if this is your first baby, but it is hard to anticipate how all-consuming and continuous are the needs of a newborn, and your need to recover after the birth. If it is just you and your husband, it seems that there may be a risk that either you will do more than you should, or your husband will have a very heavy load to carry in addition to adjusting to new fatherhood. On the whole, I think there is good reason for a tradition of family and community support after birth, not just here but in many places and times.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ccohenou* 
It somehow seems oddly contrary to the values of community and tending toward nuclear-family-isolation, though, which I often see decried here.









Not everyone shares the same values. I do not believe our baby inherently belongs to any "community" nor do I feel that anyone but DH and I are entitled to spend time with him. After much discussion, we have come to the conclusion that a week of private bonding is what will work best for our family. It's not as though we're retreating to a hut in the woods for the first year of his life.

Quote:

Also, I'm not sure if this is your first baby, but it is hard to anticipate how all-consuming and continuous are the needs of a newborn, and your need to recover after the birth. If it is just you and your husband, it seems that there may be a risk that either you will do more than you should, or your husband will have a very heavy load to carry in addition to adjusting to new fatherhood. On the whole, I think there is good reason for a tradition of family and community support after birth, not just here but in many places and times.
It is our first baby. DH is taking a week off from work and then working from home for the next few weeks. I will also be hiring a post-partum doula to come by as needed until we have a handle on things, which is of course quite different from having well-meaning but pushy relatives come by "to help" (i.e. to hold the baby while I play hostess in a topless, still-learning-to-nurse daze).

As others have said, different communities have different traditions. I know that in some cultures, no one would even think of intruding on the new family until at least a few days have passed; it would be considered the height of rudeness and extremely detrimental to the parents' ability to bond with their new child.


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## nerdymom (Mar 20, 2008)

While I understand where you are coming from, and don't fault you for standing up for what you want, it's definitely not something that I would consider, not for this one anyway.

DH and I have recieved so much love and support from our family and friends that we feel it would be a real shame to exclude them from seeing the baby after s/he is born. With this LO due any day now, we already have a phone tree set up to notify everyone. Of course they all know that they can't rush right over after the birth, but I expect that for the first week or so we will have a real influx of guests. We are 100% ok with this, because we know that everyone who we invite over is motivated by love for us and our new family.

We also live with my parents, so I will still be able to take a nice long break from household responsibilities. After the initial wave, things will die down (one of the advantages to living in the middle of no where) and we will be left with plenty of bonding time. Also, I know I can count on my mom to kick people out if we really need the rest.







She's great like that.

But I can totally see why one might not want all that hustle and bustle, ESPECIALLY if your family has not been supportive of your choices regarding birth and childcare. Good luck mama!


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## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

With my first, I had sort of a babymoon. My parents came to see me in the hospital, then when I came home from the hospital, my mom came over for one day.

I disliked it immensely. Everyone thought they were being so nice by giving us time to be alone and bond with our baby, but the reality was that I felt lonely and abandoned.

With my second, I chose to have the baby an hour from home, in my hometown, to make it easier for folks to visit me. There was a steady stream of visitors. I even ended up with a repeat c-section instead of a VBAC, and it was worth it because I had so many visitors.

So, while I respect it, a babymoon isn't for me.


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## *MamaJen* (Apr 24, 2007)

I adored my babymoon. I have these lovely memories of snuggling DS on the couch and watching the late afternoon sunlight stream in until the sun went down.
But for me, the whole babymoon thing was less about solitude and more about relaxing and focusing on the baby. We had a few people over every day -- I'm a pretty social person and I wanted my loved ones around to see the baby -- but we kept the visits relatively short.
To me, a babymoon means giving yourself permission to not to anything that doesn't involve the baby, no housecleaning (let someone else do it), no cooking (meals are in the freezer ready to be heated) and no trips to the grocery store with a two day old baby.


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

I don't it's unusual at all, however, it's very uncommon. The majority of women go from the hospital, where they are surrounded by people, to home, where they are surrounded by people.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Voted other because I haven't experianced the newborn part yet. Soon though, and I can promise the only person outside the immediate family who will be present for at least a week after the baby is born will be baby-momma, and that's because she's going to bf.


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## sunnygir1 (Oct 8, 2007)

I voted "other."

I don't think it is weird to want one, but I didn't and don't.

I am super social and want to be around people. I am very close with my family and wanted to see them and have them see us. We did limit visits for the first month or so (in number and length), but I was happy to have folks around.

Also, very happy that dp could take a month off work to be home with us.


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## greenmamapagan (Jan 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peainthepod* 
It is our first baby. DH is taking a week off from work and then working from home for the next few weeks. I will also be hiring a post-partum doula to come by as needed until we have a handle on things, which is of course quite different from having well-meaning but pushy relatives come by "to help" (i.e. to hold the baby while I play hostess in a topless, still-learning-to-nurse daze).

As others have said, different communities have different traditions. I know that in some cultures, no one would even think of intruding on the new family until at least a few days have passed; it would be considered the height of rudeness and extremely detrimental to the parents' ability to bond with their new child.

It would be the height of rudeness, but new parents in those cultures also wouldn't even question having extended family/close friends helping while Mama and baby concentrate on each other. I guess the difference would be that they actually would be helping and you obviously feel you family wouldn't. Since you're meeting the need another way (by hiring a post-partum doula) then I guess you'll probably cope.
FWIW, my mother was desperate to come and stay after DD was born (she lives 10 hours away) and I kept putting her off as I thought I didn't want the invasion. After a week she said "you can't keep me away any longer". I was soooooooooooo wrong. She was an absolute angel, quietly going about all the household chores that were piling up, wordlessly bringing me a fresh glass of water every single time DD wanted to feed (DH was utterly hopeless at this) offering me snacks, running out to the shops at any hour of the day or night and only holding DD when I asked her to (like if I needed to go to the toilet and didn't want to take DD with me). This time round I'm going to birth in another country to my mother but I'm hoping that she'll find a way to be there.


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## K&JsMaMa (May 26, 2002)

No, I don't think you are crazy for wanting a babymoon. I plan on having a week without visitors also.

I do, however, think close family should be able to come see the baby during that time. They do need to be respectful and not stay long, but I think they should be able to see this new baby too.


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## hollycat (Aug 13, 2008)

im grateful that all my friends and my mom are interested in taking care of me. of course they want to see baby too, but their first priority is doing whatever they can for me - cooking for me, doing housework, what have you. they know there is a lifetime for baby. they'd stay as long as i want, they wouldnt mind a bit if i kicked them out. im so grateful ive evolved to teh point that these are the only relationships in my life anymore. and that IS a babymoon for me. i cant imagine, personally, having to draw any big ole boundries. it doesnt make sense in my world where the people i love are always cogniscent of loving me and caring for me and listening to my wishes. i can be perfectly honest with them.

even as i write this i feel so lucky. it took awhile to get relationshps to this point, with my mom and all.


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

i don't think it is at all! that rocks! good for you for setting boundaries. I wish i had been able to do that with my kids' births. I have boundary issues with all my family as well-it is great for you to start asserting your wishes irt your little one earlier rather than later. i can say that from experience!

enjoy your babymoon, and best wishes to you


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## poisonedapple (Jan 5, 2004)

I enjoyed having visitors in the hospital, and I enjoyed when friends brought meals the first few weeks, I especially enjoyed that they kept their visits to 10-20 minutes when dropping the food off. I'm all about a good balance. I like sharing the experience and story with my family and friends, and was happy that my mom witnessed all the births, and that my family came to visit, and I also like some down time to just snuggle and cuddle, and all of that goodness. I didn't feel that I couldn't have both worlds when my babies were born.


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## wholebreath (Nov 8, 2008)

I think you should do whatever you feel like. If even the thought of family and friends around stresses you out, feel free to let them know that you'll be snuggled up at home for a while and would prefer no visitors.
However, I would definitely leave the door open to the possibility of needing some help. There's no way of knowing how you, your partner, and your baby are going to be after birth and you should arrange for a person or two to be the emergency "We need help!!!" people.

My husband and I had no family or friends at the birth or for the two days after in the hospital and that was really lovely. When we returned home. close friends brought dinner that night and then my mother arrived two days later. We sort of eased our way into being around people and it worked for us.


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## katheek77 (Mar 13, 2007)

I chose the second option, but, I don't think it's necessarily wierd - just not for me.

We went grocery shopping the day I came home. I hiked a mile in 90+ degree heat into an air show seven days after giving birth, and the in-laws arrived a few hours after that.

I would have gone insane if I babymooned - that's just my personality.


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

We're going to do it. Love my folks and ILs to death, but we'd prefer not having tons of ppl staying over here until we (and our new daughter and our pets) have had time to adjust to each other and the new flow in the house.

To my surprise, my DH's friends (who I thought would be totally mainstream) did an unmedicated birth followed by a babymoon.

It's been a couple weeks. The wife's mom just came to stay with them, and my DH's friend just came back to work. DH said his friend looked really happy, relaxed-not at all wiped, despite being responsible for half the work (including 1/2 the changings and all of the nighttime feedings). He attributes this to the babymoon. Trying to learn to care for an infant while entertaining guests can be taxing.


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## Hesperia (Sep 3, 2007)

Didn't read through all the reply, so like always please excuse me if I over said something.

I think a babymoon should be a time spend bonding with your newborn baby, whether that be 40 days without your feet touching the floor with support of family, neighbours and friends, or just a few days alone. It isn't really about who is there, or not there, it is about achieving a deep and connected bond in those early days of life.

For some women the idea of being alone with only her partner (or even alone), would not be relaxing and conductive to bonding, but a stressful and difficult time. I think you really need to factor in your personality, history of illness or depression, and your primal and basic needs.

If a babymoon to you is the entire house filled with balloons and streamers and family everywhere laughing, and you are relaxed and bonding, you are having a babymoon!

I can understand your mothers point of view of 'unusual', because it is so to her.

So, to answer your question; is a babymoon unusual? No, it is not. But the arrangements of one can be so to someone else.


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## TayTaysMama (Oct 16, 2007)

I don't think it is unusual and I know quite a few people who have done it and think it is great.

But it's not for me. I like having people around and I get restless if I just stay home and don't go anywhere.

Each to their own! Hope you have a wonderful babymoon when the time comes!


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## patronia (Nov 28, 2007)

I've been watching a lot of "bringing home baby" lately, and I dunno how they do it. Every show is dozens of people passing around a new baby in a 24 hour period. I would kill someone.

I will have a babymoon after I give birth. For sure. I've seriously told my mother (who I live with and won't interfere) to turn people away for two weeks when/if I ever give birth to a baby. I'm a naturally private person, and I've wanted a baby for so long, all I'd want to do would be alone with my baby and get to know him/her. If people did turn up in the first week, they would not get to hold my baby. I'm sorry, deal.

Coming home to 9,537 people the day after you give birth is strange to me.


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## onelilguysmommy (May 11, 2005)

i dont think its weird but my dads family had a fit and my moms friends did as well.. i was "being rude" and "upsetting" and "mean" by not passing MY kid around to whoever wanted to coem see and hold him.







: whatever. hey can see him all they want, doesnt mean im handing him over!


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## Jennifer3141 (Mar 7, 2004)

I had two babymoons - at my parents' house. It was fabulous. I took care of baby and they took care of me.









I think if we have a third now, that it will be different. I can definitely see wanting some time alone with DH and all our kids. My family would respect that. They might not like it as much but they'd respect it.


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## MG01 (Nov 17, 2008)

I definitely think it's unusual/uncommon in our society (I'm in the US, I suppose other cultures may differ). The ritual seems to be the phone tree, everyone floods into the hospital, then you get home and everyone floods into your house. I don't think I want that either, but people just assume that is what will happen. I guess also, for me, I have a small number of people whom I am very close to, and it wouldn't bother me for several of them to visit early on- but I think I will want at least a day or two to recover from the birth and get used to being with my baby, and I think in the first few weeks I will just want those in my close circle to be around for brief visits and assistance.

Plus, I have a postpartum doula hired as well, I think that is a great idea, and my mom can take off work to help as much as needed, but really, I have a few weeks of vegan meals in the freezer and I have my baby supplies all set.. what am I really going to need? I mean, if I need more groceries or cat food or something of course my mom or doula can bring them, and the doula can provide nursing support, but I just can't see the need to have someone around for more than brief time periods, since it seems I would want to be sleeping or nursing or otherwise caring for me and baby and another person might just be a hindrance at best, and pointless at worst (I mean, who wants to sit on the couch while I am in bed with baby, sleeping or nursing? lol.. And I sure don't want them in the bed staring at me while I try to figure everything out!)

I guess I know myself, and while I love people, I can spend hours or days alone, reading, cleaning, journaling, sleeping, hanging with my cats, and not be bothered or lonely, I enjoy it! So I figure with a baby to care for and bond with, I'll be even more likely to want to fully engage in that and not likely to want other people there? It does seem a very intimate time, and seems that for some people including myself it would feel natural to use that time for intimate bonding with the new family member. I am not ruling out having people around at all, and could see how some might really want someone around even more frequently- I can't say for sure what I will need or if that will be the case, and if it is, I am open to it. Again my mom can be around as much or as little as I find I need, as can my postpartum doula. But I just don't see myself wanting many people over for awhile.

The thing is, it seems the people who are most pushy about coming around early are those who I don't really have a close bond or a lot of contact with.. Several acquaintances whom I rarely see, as well as my aunt and teenage cousin, who I see at major holidays only, have insinuated that they want to be called right away and come see the baby. Others who are closer to me, and probably know my personality and that I like my space, have been wonderfully loving and supportive, but not in a pushy way- offering any help I need, and making it clear that they would love to visit- _when I am ready for visitors.
_
I guess it is a bit different too because I am a single mom and don't have a partner or in-laws to factor in. The people who I would probably contact on the day of the birth are my mom and dad and my grandma, and my grandma will be gone on vacation so the likely visitors will be just my mom and dad, either the day of or the day after the birth probably? I think also some people think because I am single I am going to be overwhelmed or need a lot of help, but I don't know.. i can certainly ask for help when it is needed but I am not thinking I will automatically be overwhelmed, or that having a lot of people around would make me less so- I feel that even if it is rough and I am stressed at times, which may be the case, it would only add stress to have additional people around. I am sure not everyone feels that way, but that is often my experience.

I will probably also tell my close friend within the first few days, a friend who just had her baby this past week, and whom I have gone through this whole pregnancy and birth preparation with, and have her stop by at some point. But reflecting on _her_ birth, she had her baby in the morning, sent me a text in the evening, and invited me to visit the following day. I could tell she genuinely wanted me there (I would never have contacted her or asked to visit her) and it was wonderful to talk through her birth story and meet her little one. I think I would want the same from her with my babe, that one person to share my birth experience with, since we have shared this journey, and since I don't feel comfortable with discussing those issues with my parents (as supportive as they are, we just are not on the same page about birth). But it was hard for me to see how things played out with my friend, in that her partner was on his phone texting pictures and memos to everyone, they had his boss and coworkers and some mutual acquaintances stopping in and out all day, and family too. It wasn't that this is necessarily a bad thing, but she seemed a bit overwhelmed by it. She actually told me her one piece of advice is NOT to contact family or friends when you are in labor, to wait until the baby is born and you have some time to bond and rest before contacting anyone, because her partner had contacted her mom and others and she wound up with a huge flock of people awaiting the birth and wanting to visit immediately afterward. She also mentioned feeling smothered by her mom's presence and expectations, when she just wanted some space to be with her new baby. But she didn't know how to tell her that, because it can be so hard when family has those expectations and you know they would be hurt if your needs differed from their expectations.

That all said, I think it is important to be sensitive to close extended family and their role in the baby's life, but I don't think that has to come at the cost of mama and baby's needs and preferences- your new/immediate family unit has to come first. I actually kind of like the idea of having the grandparents stop by the hospital, because there is much less pressure to "host" and it makes it easy for a quick meet-the-baby and show support without staying for hours. I think if I meet that need and get an initial visit "out of the way" (that sounds bad, but you know what I mean) then there will not be this building pressure or sense of being left out on their part- now if I really felt that would be detrimental, I would not do it just to spare their feelings or meet their expectations, but I do want their support and for them to meet the baby, it doesn't bother me, at least I don't think it will.

Beyond that though, I can't imagine I would want casual friends stopping in in the hospital setting just after birthing.. then when I get home, I want to be able to be naked, maybe a robe and obviously panties and pads lol, and have the baby in a diaper but no cover, and do a lot of skin to skin contact and learning how to breastfeed, learning my baby's sleep habits and resting together, and learning his/her elimination habits for EC, etc. It is just not feasible to do this fully with people coming and going. I also feel very protective of my babe already and have no desire to "pass the baby," so limiting casual visitors early on avoids that issue, as many people feel entitled to that and I don't want to get in that awkward situation of being the one to not let someone hold the baby, yk?


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## eewieew (Jul 25, 2008)

i voted other, because i haven't had my baby yet, and i can see all sides of the "argument".

1. a new mom's needs should be met.
2. i have asked for a babymoon.
3. it IS unusual to have one, considering social norms.

my sister's birth is the model for exactly what i don't want to do with my own. she went totally mainstream....got induced, got the epi, needed a c because she couldn't move around to better baby's position...all with my ENTIRE EXTENDED FEMALE FAMILY in the room.

i plan to have my h with me and that's it. my mom was very hurt when i told her that i didn't want her in the room, but i gently reminded her that this isn't about her (she forgets sometimes).

also asked that no visitors come to the hospital. i currently live with an aunt and uncle, and my mom is coming to stay after the birth for a few days to help me out (my h left me much earlier in the pregnancy) and i *think* my h is planning on staying too, so he can learn to care for the baby.

hopefully my family (and his) will respect the boundaries that i've set. it's really important to me, especially in my situation, that i and my h have private time to love our baby and figure out how to share in this responsibility. our families wouldn't try to help, they would just offer to hold the baby







:


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## lillyfire (Jun 9, 2007)

I don't think you're weird at all for wanting that precious time with your new baby without the constant stream of visitors! I voted none of the above because I thought with my first that I really wanted a babymoon, but also wanted our parents to come meet him right away and then leave. It turned out that I hadn't anticipated how physically depleted I'd be after birth (natural, birth center) and I kept asking my mom to stay just one more day. I also had this strange and unexpected urge to show him off! Like, "come and see what we made, isn't he amazing?!" So even though I thought I wanted this secluded nesting laying in period, once he was here I totally went against it. Strangely, I feel the exact same way right now that I did during my last pregnancy, like I'll want him all to ourselves. But I also have a feeling that I'll probably want the help like last time. Which is not to say that DH wasn't helpful. He was great, there's just something like being taken care of by your mom. (if you like her, that is!)


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## eko_mom (Jan 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *claras_mom* 
Snacks magically appeared, laundry was done, the kitchen was clean. That made it easy for me to take care of my baby.


Now THAT's what I call a babymoon: time alone with your partner, other children and new baby then a magical visitor who doesn't feel the need to make her presence known, and just does what is helpful and loving and slips out.


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## Lily's_Mom (Feb 11, 2008)

We did have exactly a week with just the 3 of us before we welcomed dd's first visitor. For most of that week I couldn't sit comfortably (sore bum) and was hanging around topless (sore nipples). I wasn't really in the mood for company!


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## MG01 (Nov 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lillyfire* 
I don't think you're weird at all for wanting that precious time with your new baby without the constant stream of visitors! I voted none of the above because I thought with my first that I really wanted a babymoon, but also wanted our parents to come meet him right away and then leave. It turned out that I hadn't anticipated how physically depleted I'd be after birth (natural, birth center) and I kept asking my mom to stay just one more day. I also had this strange and unexpected urge to show him off! Like, "come and see what we made, isn't he amazing?!" So even though I thought I wanted this secluded nesting laying in period, once he was here I totally went against it. Strangely, I feel the exact same way right now that I did during my last pregnancy, like I'll want him all to ourselves. But I also have a feeling that I'll probably want the help like last time. Which is not to say that DH wasn't helpful. He was great, there's just something like being taken care of by your mom. (if you like her, that is!)

I could see how that might happen.. It's hard to know how one might feel once the baby is born, and I can see wanting show off the reward for your hard work







and talk about the birth and the baby with people..

I suppose it might be best to leave things open ended- For me, I didn't want to come out and say, leave me alone after the birth lol, since I might not want that, but I also don't want people to think that I am planning for the typical, everyone rush to the hospital and crowd around business. I have just tried to make it clear that I am not sure how I will be feeling or how things will play out, and that I will get in touch with people when I am feeling up for visitors- keep things positive and let people know that I really am looking forward to them meeting the baby and visiting, but that it's best for me to initiate that when I have a chance to see how I feel and what works best.

I have also been collecting email addresses of all the people who want to be notified of the baby's birth, since I want to keep track of it and let people know but avoid the influx of phone calls asking, is the baby here yet, etc. or feling obligated to make all sorts of calls right away myself. I am not a phone person and would find this stressful. But I also don't want to _not_ let people know and have them feel left out or unwanted. So my approach is to send out an email with a few pictures and birth announcement to people, probably a couple days after the birth when I return from the hospital and get on my computer for the first time, and they can always reply by email obviously, and then plan on initiating phone contact or arranging in person visits myself perhaps a week or two down the road.

How have others approached this?
Do you let people know in advance that you are planning a babymoon or talk about expectations?
Do you notify people of the birth early on, but wait to arrange actual visits, or did you just wait to make any contact until after the babymoon?


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