Walking Away From Raging Child

Dear parent,

It sounds like your child in this situation is in a lot of pain, and that you are unable to help you because you are in pain too. Obviously, if you are in danger of hurting your child, do remove yourself in order to calm down. It is not ideal, but a last resort. Your child will likely feel guilty and lonely, thinking you are abandoning him because he is not worthy. To minimize hurting him, you can say, “I am upset. It is not your fault. I need to calm down so I can be a better mommy. I will be back soon and I will be calm.” Whatever is happening inside of you is never his fault. It is your reaction, fueled by issues from your past. It seems as though it has to do with him, but it really has nothing to do with your child and everything to do with you.

In your time alone I suggest you do the S of the SALVE formula from my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, so you can find your way back to loving kindness. Come back to him when you are ready to connect. Find how his behavior reflects a valid need, listen, validate and empower (last part of SALVE.) Offer other outlets for his emotions. Let him know that he is right to feel the way he feels, while giving him something to kick, draw his feelings, or simply vent with words. Notice how you could have done better so he wouldn’t experience such rage in the first place. Acknowledge your own wish to handle things more peacefully.

Needing to leave the room means you are too late. Ideally, you can look at preventing the whole scene. The question is: Why is the child so upset in the first place? He has a valid reason for his emotional expression and for resorting to aggression. Most likely he has no other connecting tools at the moment. Even if you cannot provide what he wants, you can connect with him, validate, listen and offer a way for him to express his feelings fully. 

Instead of focusing on “Can I get away from him,” I suggest you focus on, “What is the valid cause of his rage and how can I help him to regain peace.” Children lose control to the point of aggression only when they feel terribly helpless, and when they don’t see another way to unleash their emotional pain. In my phone counseling work with parents, sharing similar stories, it has never happened that a parent didn’t realize that there was a kinder way that would not have caused such rage in the first place. 

I sense that the issue may be more complicated than my response can address. Very little can be taken care of in a short “answer.” If you would like further assistance I would love to assist you via a phone session, for which you can sign up here: http://authenticparent.com/guidance.html

Warmly, http://authenticparent.com/index.html