Unwanted Intervention from Relatives

Family Life

Naomi Aldort

Dear Naomi - My children are 3 & 5 years old. We are unschoolers. The problem is my husband & close family members always feel the need to "help" or teach my children. My children don't really know this is not okay as this has been going on since they were born. I have indirectly told my family how people are born very smart & that I am confident that my children will teach themselves & that I will be their facilitator only. My mom (who is a controller) won't let them struggle a bit to figure something out - and I know they can figure most things out because I have witnessed it. Right away she has to show them how it works or how to do it. We were out in the yard, and my 5 yo daughter had a retractible dog leash that she was going to use, and my mother had to yell over to her how to use it; I wasn't quick enough to say something, but I usually say, let them figure it out, but she continues to do it. Also, she and another family member, who is close to me, wants to buy childrens books for their homes. I don't like this idea either because I usually read the content of the books before reading it to them to ensure that there is no moral lesson or concept that I don't wish them to learn at this age, and I have read some of the books they already have & they are exactly this. When I told my mother that I didn't want these books read to my children she gave me a guilt trip. My husband is the same way. Is it okay for me to tell them to stop this or not, and if so, how? I don't want to keep avoiding them because the children like to be around them some of the time.

Dear Parent,

Please listen to the MP3 in which I talk about dealing with relatives. You can find it here: http://naomialdort.com/mp3.html

It is obvious to me that you have given too much power to your relatives

and have relinquished your leadership as a mother even in relating to your husband. What makes relatives not respect your wish is that they see themselves as part of the decision making about parenting your children. You have given them this role most likely by discussing the issues with them, trying to convince them about your way implying that they are the decision team.

Although you can listen and sometimes learn from others, your parenting is not up for a vote. Your children are not a team project. They are themselves and you are the leader protecting their authentic growth.

If you get into parenting discussions with your family, you are inviting their vote. Instead, thank, validate and appreciate their ideas, but don’t try to convince them. They don’t need to be convinced because they are not the parents.

You are the leader. Allow yourself to be the mamma bear you really are. You can do it kindly and your relationships with relatives and with your husband will improve by becoming free of parenting tensions.

If your MIL voices an opinion, validate her feeling, acknowledge how hard it must be for her to observe your parenting ways, and, continue with your way without explaining it. Listen to the MP3 for examples on specifically what to say.

At the same time, realize that you are the greatest influence on your children. You don’t need to micro manage relatives. Your children are powerful and can handle different approaches. Before the visit, remind your children, “When grandma comes, you know how she loves to help you even though you can do things on your own.” If you don’t mind it, that’s fine. If it is a problem, let her know or ask for my help.

Do your best to avert your relatives’ help before it happens, but avoid inviting them to be on the team. This attitude will help with your husband too. Right now he gets the relatives’ support. When you are the leader he will have to choose whose partner he wishes to be. If he wants to read every book you read, listen to every CD you listen to and learn as much as you, then you will enjoy making decisions together about the children. If he is not into learning about child psychology and parenting, release him of the decision making role and support his play time and happy connection with the children. He doesn’t have to be a second mother. He can be a playful fun father and leave the leadership to you.

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Unwanted Intervention from Relatives

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