How to Change Parenting Way

Dear Parent,

Children make the transition easily. It is hard for you, not for them. I remember a mother who raised her hand at my lecture “The Price of Praise” and said, “I understand, but I will keep praising my child, because she is so happy when I do.” However, when this mother presented her decision to her child, the child said, “No mom, she is right, don’t praise me any more.”

Tell your children, “I made a mistake, you don’t need me to tell you about you. You know best.” And, “I love you whatever you do and however you are, so it doesn’t matter.”

Next time your child asks, “mom did it I do it right,” you can respond with, “How would I know? And anyway, why does it have to be right. It only matters that you enjoy it. I love you.” Or, “Why, I don’t know. Did you enjoy yourself doing it? That’s all that matters.” Or, you can validate, “You love when mommy likes what you do. But I made a mistake. It is you who has to like it. I love you no matter what.” 

Make sure to express love in neutral and in failing moments and show a benign attitude toward her or her sibling’s successes. 

There are other areas that are harder to change. When children are used to control, they take the lack of it to mean license and things get really confusing for everyone. I therefore suggest that you don’t just let it all hang out. Let go of control, but not of leadership. Children thrive when they are free and they feel more free when they know that someone is in charge and leads the way. 

To be a true leader, guide your children in the direction they want to go. Play many power games to heal their past experience of being controlled, but, in non play time, avoid giving them power over you. If you coerce them to go to bed when they want to play, you are controlling. If you notice that they are tired (much later) and you start going to bed, they follow your lead because they are tired and they want to be in bed with you. You are then a leader and a facilitator of their direction.

You can find help in the many CDs and MP3s on my site, I can also assist you via phone sessions, and you can attend my coming up teleclass series. The information is on my site. 

Warmly, http://authenticparent.com/index.html