Toddler Wants Only Daddy

Dear perplexed mother,

The reasons for your son’s preference for his father can be many. Without speaking to you directly, I cannot give real advice. I can, however, make a few suggestions that may or may not fit.

The most common reason for a child preference for his dad is simply that daddy is fun and mom is service and chores. If you can be more playful and goofy, you may see a difference. Another common error that leads to such a preference is the way dad treats mom. Your son maybe learning that mom is not the focus of love because she is not dad’s focus of love. The solution in this case would be to spend time together, so your child can be with both of you and see daddy loving mommy. Your husband can say, “Lets go play with mommy, I love mommy,” and be with you and hug and kiss you and have a good time together. 

Other reasons can be something about your way with your child. You could be too affectionate or overbearing; some wee once don’t like so much touch. Or, it is possible that, loving as you obviously are, he does not feel connected. You say that he never calms down indicates to me that you see validation as a tool to calm a child down. Validation has no goal to calm down. The validated child may cry even more because the validation gives recognition to his hurt and permission to fully express himself. Or, you may being validating with words that insult him or read his feelings.

Children sense our intend even when we don’t show it. When you expect your words to stop his crying, he may see you as not accepting him the way he is, resisting his nature and even not loving him. He doesn’t want to calm but to fully express himself as long as he needs. In addition, I wonder what is the cause of some of the crying. There could be something in your way with him that leaves him feeling not accepted by you and unhappy. 

I must stress again that these guesses may be close of far from helpful. I am confident that if I speak or meet you and your family in person, I can assist you in resolving this confusing and painful relationship with your child. He wants a loving connection with you as much as you want it. The confusion can be cleared. If you wish to speak with me, you can sign up for a phone session on my site at: http://naomialdort.com/guidance.html

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com/