My Daughter Pushes Other Toddlers

Dear Virginia,

Your daughter is a wonderful teacher. She shows you in action what you need to see. 

She is communicating clearly and is giving you the answer to your question. The following likely thoughts are preventing you from seeing the obvious answer: 

My daughter should be able to play with other children peacefully.

She shouldn’t push.

I need to teach her not to push.

She can learn by being told.

She needs to play with other wee ones.

All these thoughts are simply not true. Your daughter tells you what is true - through her action: She is not able to be with peers peacefully; yes, she does push; she is not able to learn by being told (who does;) and, she does not need to play with peers (no child this young needs it.) 

When you believe the above thoughts, you end up pushing your daughter to be with peers even thought it is not working for her. So, it turned out that you are the one pushing, and your child is your mirror. Without these thoughts, you would be free to notice that your child needs different kind of social interactions and play.

My answer is therefore simple: Don’t put your child in a setup that does not make her be at her best, competent and happy. Trust her and respond by eliminating the peer encounters that bring stress to her and your lives.

I do not recommend peer play in the early years because young children are not capable of relating healthfully; they are not ready for it. Just like the way birth occurs when the baby is ready, every development happens when ready and not earlier. By being with people who are socially skilled and aware of her limitations, she will learn social grace and feel good about herself and caring about others. A child learns the best social skills through interaction with her parents and other loving adults or older kids; she learns behaviors that are rooted in love, care, generosity and commitment. 

Skip peer experience, and your daughter will never learn to push, hit or any other failing social behavior. She will develop peer play when she is ready, free of such habits and socially competent. The best answer is the simple one of doing only what flows with ease and joy. 

Warmly, http://authenticparent.com/index.html