How can I stop losing my temper?

Dear Parent,

In my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, you will find the answer to your question.  Use the SALVE formula which shows you how to release the thoughts that generate your anger without obeying them. The reason you get angry is that you believe these thoughts which are not what you want. The mind says, “He shouldn’t do this,” and you believe it. The mind then says, “Stop him” or, “He should listen to me,” and if you obey these thoughts you struggle against your child. In reality the child is right and acts on his own behalf in the best way he can. 

 The S of SALVE is for Separating your own reaction from the present moment with your child and questioning your Self. Do you really believe that your child shouldn’t do this or that? Do you really believe that he should listen to you? Think of your thoughts as a stranger telling you what to do and you won’t be so gullible. You don’t have to feel and do what it says in your head.

The automated first thought is just like a window opening by itself on the computer. You don’t have to do what it says. Instead, notice how it takes you away from being the parent you wish to be and disconnects you from your child and from yourself. Notice how, when you believe that thought, you become angry and impatient.

Then imagine how you would be if you didn’t have that thought, or didn’t believe it. imagine your child doing exactly what he is moved to do for his own sake. Without your resisting thought, what do you see? A sweet boy doing the best he can. A gorgeous boy whom you love. Unless a safety issue, every time you want to stay “Stop,” there is another kinder way.

When free to see your child, you see how he is right and you want to assist him in his direction. Even when it means stopping him, you do so kindly and by meeting the need he is after in a different way. There are many examples in my book of noticing the need behind the “wront” action and providing for it. 

He shouldn’t listen to you; he should listen to himself. That’s what you want for him. When not obeying these automated thoughts, you will be the mother you want to be. You already are that mother, only these recorded old thoughts get in the way.

The truth is: You should listen to your child and learn to understand why he is driven to do what he does. He has even less control over his behavior than you do and he always means to take care of himself.

This process does not eliminate your anger overnight. It takes time and practice. When you are too late, question your thoughts anyway and do the “Rewind” technique that is also in the book. Instead of taking your thoughts so seriously, listen to your being and your love. You won’t always succeed, but by questioning the thoughts regularly you will gradually build the muscle of listening to who you really are.

If you need help accomplishing this fit (is it simple but the mind can be loud and resisting,) you may want to book a phone session with me through my site.

Warmly,  Naomi Aldort,  www.AuthenticParent.com