Toddler Won't Sleep Without Me

Dear parent,

Sleep is scary for a baby and for young children. It is similar to death. In addition, babies and toddlers do not have a complete sense of existing other than through touch. Being touched helps them be aware of their body and feel that they exist.

Your toddler’s need for constant connection is as it should be. It is not yet time for you to be away working, or to go out in the evening. What your toddler asks for is what he needs. It is real and right. He may feel safe enough to be without you for a bit when awake, but if you are away when he is tired, he is too scared to change state of consciousness into sleep without you. 

Your child’s ability to be without you will be delayed by the anxiety associated with your absence when he is too young. If you can wait and not work yet, that would be best.

If you must work, take him with you, or work during the day and not in your child’s most needy and sensitive hours. 

The evening is not a good time to go out with your husband either because your baby is tired and afraid to sleep without you. Your baby is right. It is the way of nature. Life must change. What you did before having a child, may not be doable for years. Consider time with your husband during the weekend at day time, when grandma or a baby sitter can play with your child. And, consider staying at home (in another room) or close by, rather than going “out.” It is the being together with your husband that counts, not the location. Fifteen months is very very young. Most well attached children do not go to sleep without their mother in the early years. Your expectations are simply premature. Let it go and find new times and ways to be with your husband. And, learn to be a couple with your baby present with you. That’s very romantic too.

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com/index.html