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	ask the experts robbie davis-floyd

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Robbie Davis-Floyd
Grief & Loss

• Child and terminally ill grandparent
• Death of sibling
• Wife's sudden death
• Requesting gifts returned after stillbirth
• Husband grieving with pregnancy
• Pregnant—baby with severe abnormalities

My terminally ill father is living with my husband, my four-year-old, and me. My husband is gone a lot for work in the summer, and my daughter is having a hard time sharing me with Grandpa. I'm sure she picks up the energy in the house around my dad's illness and pain (he mostly takes care of himself and eats with us for meals). How do I help her share me while my dad's alive? Also, will she feel guilty after he passes because she sometimes wished he wasn't here? My dad's involved in hospice and will die in our home. And, for the most part, it's just me trying to meet both of their needs. By the way, my daughter goes to daycare two days a week and I work part-time (for now) so we're not all together 24/7.

Never lie to kids, even by omission, or try to mask the truth—they always know deep down what's going on. Don't just let her "pick up the energy", rather, be very frank with her about what's happening. I know it sounds hard and kind of weird, but talk clearly about death, about the fact that Grandpa is dying, about her normal feelings of jealousy because you are spending so much time with him. Use normal and straightforward language. Hold her a lot, and it's OK, even good, if sometimes you cry while you are holding her and tell her you are very sad that Grandpa is dying and very glad that you and she are safe, that you will both be OK, that it's hard right now and you need her to know you love her so very much. It may sound very strange, but I strongly recommend using positive affirmations such as, "We are safe in the presence of Grandpa dying". "It is sad, but it is OK for Grandpa to die. We are safe in this process. We will miss him, and we are safe." Repeat that a lot. On some level she will understand.

About two years ago our infant son passed away. My two older children were clearly affected. My son has autism and found his brother in the crib already gone. My daughter has since been paranoid about not having me around. At first, that meant coming downstairs every five minutes to make sure we were still there. It then spilled over to checking on us even from another room. Lately though, I was wondering why she is still doing this. We had another baby who is now four-months-old. Our son, Daniel, died at six-months-old. Things are clearly stressful in the house right now. My daughter never stopped this constant need to check on us, but lately it has been picking up again. Is there anything we can do, other than to keep reassuring her and sending her back to bed? Thanks so much for your help.

You didn't say how old your daughter is, but it is entirely possible that once your new baby passes the six-month mark and is still OK, she will stop being so afraid. In the meantime, why don't you just let her sleep with you or at least in your room? The more support and reassurance kids get when they really need it, the less they will need it later. For now, try just cocooning her for as long as she needs it. Eventually she will want to stay in her own room, on her own time.

Within two weeks of having our first child, I came home from work to find my wife dead on the bed. She was taking medication for blood pressure, and vitamins with extra iron, all prescribed from the hospital. She was only 33 years old. I am now a single father of a beautiful little girl with no mommy and no answers on how this could have happened. I have searched the internet trying to find some clue. Our local hospital is regularly in litigation for misdiagnosing illnesses. They told me that the cause of death was a blood clot to the lung, but I feel so helpless it is hard to accept their findings. We have had my wife's body taken elsewhere for a professional autopsy. While I am waiting six weeks for that to come back, I find myself feeling like if I were better informed about the combination of medications (blood pressure meds, vitamins with iron) and birth interventions (epidural block, pitocin) I may have been able to prevent this. Please help with any advice that you may have.

I have written to various experts trying to find an answer for you about the possible effects of the combination of medications. Their consensus is that more information is needed, which the autopsy may or may not provide. We do agree that you are right to have it performed, as you need whatever information it yields to either plan a course of action or reach a sense of resolution.

There is no obvious connection between what happened during the birth and your wife?s death. But you do need to know that in the postpartum period, a clot to the lungs is usually due to thrombophlebitis, which would manifest as stiffness, soreness, and/or swelling in the legs due to a blood clot there. This is the same thing that occasionally happens to people on long airplane flights, and can also result from continual bed rest. When this happens and is noticed, the treatment is blood thinners and being watched carefully for a few days until the clot dissolves. But if your wife had massaged the painful place, she might have caused a clot to release and enter circulation, resulting in pulmonary embolism and death. Or it might have dislodged all on its own.

The combination of vitamins and blood pressure medications is highly unlikely to have been at fault, but there may be a correlation between the medications and the risk of thrombophlebitis. (There is a correlation between thrombophlebitis and obesity, just in case that was a factor in her hypertension. And cesarean sections result in a five-fold increase in thrombophlebitis, including an increased risk with a history of preeclampsia.)

That?s all just general information. We don?t have enough specific information at this point to be able to help you further. But I do fully understand your sense of helplessness and frustration. And there may or may not be someone or something to blame. My daughter died at 21 because her friend who was driving looked down at the CD player, then looked up to find herself swerving off the road, and yanked the wheel. The Mitsubishi Montero (the older model with the high and narrow wheel base) flipped four times and Peyton?s body was thrown 50 feet down the road. Should I blame the friend? She was only 19. My daughter for letting her drive? They were on a three day road trip home. The car? My daughter had driven it safely up mountains and across rivers. The highway, for being five inches higher than the dirt shoulder, which made the car flip when the wheels hit it? The friend's parents, for not teaching her not to yank the wheel? Myself, for letting her drive instead of fly? I could and have blamed us all. And I have had to let that go.

     I understand that you need to know as best you can what really happened and why. And I also know that when there is (or appears to be) someone to blame, people can spend all of their money and years of their lives pursuing that person (or system) in the courts. Sometimes they win big, but more often they lose precious time and energy. So please be very sure there is real cause before you start.

  If you can't find sense or meaning in your wife's death—and perhaps there is none—look for it in her life.

P.S. My friend Ina May Gaskin, a very well-known midwife, is making a huge quilt to commemorate women who died. She says to tell you that she would love to include a quilt piece to honor your wife and asks that you contact her: midwifeIM@earthlink.net. Mothering has an article on the Safe Motherhood Quilt Project. 

I had a stillbirth a year and a half ago. A few weeks after the tragedy, I was contacted by my mother-in-law asking me to give back a few of the gifts I received from her and her husband, and from some of the other family members (on my husband's side) since I "wouldn't be needing them now," so that they could give them to another family member who was expecting. This hurt quite a bit, it felt like I was being asked to forget that I was ever going to be a mother, or going to have a child. I obliged to what she asked of me, but in doing so, it felt like my husband's side of the family was now saying I was no longer important now what I wasn't going to be a mother and that my grief meant nothing. Am I wrong to feel this way? Or was my husband's family wrong to request their gifts back?

I am shocked by your mother-in-law's behavior—asking for those gifts back was highly insensitive. If I were you I would have explained that the request hurt my feelings, that  I treasured those gifts as memories of my baby, and that I might need them in the future for another child of my own or perhaps choose eventually to give them to a friend. What to do with those gifts should have been entirely your choice! I guess your mother-in-law had no idea how much this would hurt you—perhaps she was just being practical?—but I do feel that she was very wrong to request those gifts back.

One month ago we took a pregnancy test and it was positive! My husband's immediate reaction was to be cautious given that miscarriage is common. Two weeks ago, my husband's uncle (very close relative) passed away at the age of 56 (unexpectedly and with much grieving from the family). One week ago, we had our ultrasound which showed living proof that the fetus is well. My husband's grieving over the death of his uncle is preventing us from experiencing the type of joy I expected regarding the pregnancy. What can I do to help?

First of all, let me say "congratulations" on your pregnancy! I am sorry the joy is being diluted by your husband's grief. The most loving and helpful thing anyone can do to help with the grieving process is to ask questions about the person who died and to really, really listen to any stories the grieving person cares to tell. So listen to him, be with him, give him all the understanding you can. And when you intuit that the time is right (timing is everything!), tell him that you really need him to be present to the pregnancy and to accept and live the joy of that along with his grief over his uncle. Tell him that we have plenty of space inside us to encompass both grief and joy. Tell him you don't expect his grief to suddenly go away, but that you do expect and need his joy, too, and that you know he can give both. Remind him that taking joy in the new life coming is in no way disrespectful of his uncle's death. And then tell him you love him and will always be there for him. Then let some time pass, and if he doesn't come around, pick your timing well to solicit his participation—put his hand on your tummy, talk about names, design the nursery, go shopping for a front pack or sling that a guy would wear. My guess is that as you get more and more pregnant, the pregnancy will become more and more real to him and his excitement will grow even as his grief takes its course.

I am 22 weeks pregnant and have just found out that our baby has severe abnormalities that will not allow her to live more than a few days beyond her birth, and will more likely mean that I will have a late miscarriage before we reach term. My husband and I discussed our options to continue with the pregnancy or to terminate in length and have found peace in our choice to continue for as long as God or fate deems fit. We desperately wanted this baby. We are both young and healthy and have no problems with carrying our baby now. There are no signs of elevated blood pressure or any other prenancy related problems. We were wondering how long we should wait until after our baby is born to start trying again—not in time but in emotional state. My main worry is that we will become pregnant again without having a chance to grieve for our first baby, and that I will not be able to enjoy our second pregnancy in the same way as I was enjoying our current pregnancy before this terrible news, without wondering if this will happen again. We both want a baby to love and hold, not to replace the one we're about to lose, but to be able to share her memory with a sibling, and to take back our faith in the gift of life. Please help us in any way you can.

How long should you wait to become pregnant again? Just follow your hearts and your intuition.