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	ask the experts ellen craine

Ellen Craine
Separation, Divorce Mediation, Co-Parenting, and Domestic Abuse

• Parenting issues
• Two year old dealing with divorce
• Divorce without hurting the children
• Sibling relationships and relocating
• Loss of custody and breastfeeding
• Transitioning to a new home
• Healing a stepson-stepmom relationship
• Divorce and attachment parenting

My three year old daughter and I are living with her father for the first time in our lives. I know he loves her, but we are not parenting well together, and we are not getting along either. I've seen a counselor since my daughter was six months old, but he has not. My daughter is happy to be with him, but she cries when we fight, so I know we're causing anxiety for her. Before, we were living with my mom, whom my daughter has a strong bond with. We moved far away to be with her dad. After three months, I just want to give up and move back with my mom, until I can get a degree and start a new career that I will enjoy. Right now I'm staying at home with my daughter. He doesn't want to get a job, so he's at home all the time too. Would it be healthier for her if I were a single parent so she wouldn't see us fighting all the time?

Your question suggests that you are struggling with a lot of issues. First, you and your daughter's father need to be happy as individuals before you can be happy in the relationship. It sounds like you are personally struggling with the idea of having a career, whereas your daughter's father would like to stay home and not work. You will have to decide how these roles will impact the relationship. Are you both content with the possible arrangement of you working outside the home and him staying home to help raise your daughter? Second, it sounds like your mother was a good support system for you and your daughter. It is natural that she would miss her. Make sure that your daughter and her grandmother have lots of contact with each other via daily or every-other-day phone calls, your daughter drawing pictures she can send to her grandmother, and actual physical contacts as often as you can both afford to travel to each other's homes.

If you choose not to stay living with your daughter's father, in addition to reassuring her that the "break-up" is not her fault, it will be important for your daughter and her father to have regular contact with one another. You will need to sit down and work out a parenting time plan, etc. I encourage you to put this plan in writing and have both of you sign it as a contract and include specific parenting time and who will provide what finances for your daughter—health care coverage, child support (money for food, clothing and shelter), etc. You will also need to decide how the two of you will make decisions regarding your daughter. If you do not feel you can do this between the two of you, it might be helpful to work with a divorce/family mediator. If finances are an issue, check to see if your county has a local dispute resolution center (DRC). Mediation at these centers is either low-cost or free for low-income participants. Depending on the level of conflict, you may want a Parenting Coordinator who will try to facilitate the two of you making decisions about your daughter. When/ if you are unable to agree, the Parenting Coordinator usually has the power to resolve sticking points for you.

Regardless of whether you choose to stay living with your daughter's father or not, if you and he cannot figure out how to co-parent effectively and be civil in front of your daughter, it will be harmful for her. Some suggested guidelines are:

1. Only discuss thing in front of your daughter that are appropriate for her to hear at three years old.

2. Remember that there is a difference between "fighting" and "having conflict." Conflict is ok as long as it is not abusive (physically, verbally or emotionally), or disrespectful—and there is positive resolution. Kids need to learn that disagreement is ok and observe positive ways of resolving conflict.

3. She needs to know that you both love her, which on some level it sounds like she does know. Make sure that you and her father reassure her that the conflict is not her fault—affirm that she is not responsible for it nor for 'fixing' it. If you drop (and fail to resolve) conflict when she cries, she is being conditioned that she has control over it. That misperception needs to be changed. The bottom line is that how well your daughter does depends on how well each of her parents do as individuals, as partners in a relationship, and as co-parents.

My son's father and I have recently separated although we were never married. My son is almost two and a half and is seeming to have a difficult time, understandably, with the change. I have never seen him crying so wildly and for so long. He is also being extremely oppositional at this time. For example, if I ask him to put on his coat he will take off his shirt. I understand that this is him wanting to have more control over his life because everything is so confusing for him and I have thus been choosing my battles. But some rules cannot be bent, for his own well-being. I have not had much help from his father since I've moved. Once my son's father gets settles in to his new place and we can start a routine I know things will improve at least a little. What should I do in the meantime to help my son feel more secure? Also, I do not normally yell at my child but I have lost my patience and done so a couple times this week. I have felt so overwhelmed in trying to calm him and keep my new neighbors in the apartment from being continually disturbed and deal with the grieving of my failed five year relationship. Any advice on how to handle the situation where I have yelled or feel like I am going to yell? I am not mad at my son, of course. I am extremely stressed and I want to keep it together because he needs me to help him get through this transition.

I am sorry for the loss and grief that you and your son are experiencing. It is positive that you recognize the stress you are all going through. A two year old child typically experiences some form of separation anxiety without going through the loss that he is. The battles you describe also sound developmentally normal and aggravated by the separation from your son's father. Having said that, I have a few suggestions for you:

1. Acknowledge your son's sadness, anger, and hurt and let him know that you are hurting and feel sad too. Have your son color a picture for his dad and get him outside playing as much as possible. Try to keep your routine with him as normal as possible. Reassure your son that the separation is not his fault and that daddy and mommy love him very much.

2. Work with your son's father to develop a parenting time schedule that is consistent depending on your circumstances. A consistent time schedule based on your son's age might be two to four times per week on the same days each week. Consider setting up a phone schedule either until the face-to-face parenting time begins or in addition to the face-to-face parenting time to maintain contact and help your son feel reassured. Talk with your son's father about the importance of reassuring your son himself of his love for him, etc. If you are having difficulty communicating with your son's father or the two of you disagree as to what is best, seek out a trained mediator or parenting coordinator in your community through your local family court or one of the following websites www.mediate.com or www.divorcenet.com A mediator is a trained professional usually with a mental health degree, or a law degree and specialized training in mediation. The mediator is a neutral third party who facilitates you and your son's father making the necessary decisions you might not be able to make without someone else assisting you. A parenting coordinator is a trained professional with mediation training, the professional degrees, experience with high conflict families and specialized training in parenting coordination. You can go to www.afccnet.org for a booklet on developmental needs of children and suggested parenting time scenarios based on developmental needs. They also have a brochure on information for never-married parents.

3. Last but not least, take care of you! Not knowing your circumstances it is hard to make specific suggestions. However, I would make sure you get out socially to a movie, take a walk daily, or participate in other similar activities. It might also be helpful to see a counselor if you are not already doing so. Go to www.helpstartshere.org or check with your insurance company for a referral. You might also want to check out the following two books: Mom's House, Dad's House by Isolina Ricci and Crazy Times by Abigail Thetford.

I am the mother of four wonderful boys. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. I have been home with the boys and both my husband and I love parenting and have great relationships with our boys. The problem is that my husband and I are not happy together and have not been for a long time. He has not considered divorce but I consider it all the time. We have put so much of our work into having our boys grow up secure and loved I am afraid that a divorce would end all of that. Is there a way to separate without really hurting our children and is it maybe better to stay in an unhappy relationship where we can still parent well together?

You have asked two difficult and complex questions. The first question is "do I stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the kids?" To answer this question you need to ask and answer the following:

1. Am I missing companionship?
2. Do we co-parent well together?
3. Is there tension in our relationship?
4. Is there romance? If not, can we and do I want to get it back?
5. Have you tried therapy? If so, what was the outcome? If not, why not and what do you have to lose?

Assuming you answer all the questions above and you still decide to separate, the next question is how do you do it peacefully and without hurting the kids? First of all, acknowledge that the kids will are likely to feel hurt no matter how you tell them. A divorce is a loss for all of you. It is a loss of the ideal family kids think they have. It is potentially the loss of seeing both parents daily. To divorce peacefully, and with the least amount of hurt for all I encourage you and your husband to discuss the idea of divorce and come to agreement to divorce. Once that agreement is reached, I encourage you to tell your children together and emphasize that this is a mutual decision and nobody?s fault and that you both love them and understand how hard this is for them. I also encourage you to mediate your divorce with a trained mediator. A trained mediator is a neutral third person who will work with you and your husband to facilitate you resolving all issues in your divorce (property, financial, and parenting time). The mediator is someone with an advanced degree in mental health or law and has specialized training in the family and divorce mediation process. You can locate a mediator through your local family court or www.divorcenet.com or www.mediate.com. It will also be important for you and your husband to learn as much as you can about normal children?s reactions to divorce and how to divorce peacefully. Some books worth checking out are Crazy Times by Abigail Thetford, The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons, and Mom's House, Dad's House by Isolina Ricci. Should you choose to divorce it is important to note that how well your children do depends greatly on how peaceful you and your husband can be in this process.

I am writing because I am very saddened that my five year old step-daughter is being relocated to over 600 miles away where she has lived from birth. Her mother is moving there to be with her current boyfriend/fiancé. My husband and I have tried to fight it but $10,000.00 later we have exhausted our resources and it just seems that the custody battle has been too hard on both children (we have a two year old daughter together). There is still a lot of anger towards her mother for taking her away from all she has ever known. My question is: I want the girls to have the closest relationship possible (being eight hours away). Please give me advice as to how to maintain their sibling relationship to the fullest extent. I guess it's worth noting that we'll have her for eight weeks every summer, ten days during Christmas, then days in the Spring, and whenever we can drive up to visit on the weekends. I'm afraid the girls (especially the two year old) will be really confused about why they aren't able to see each other all the time like they were before. Thanks for any advice you can give me.

First, work to improve your adult relationships with your step-daughter's mother. Any anger that remains will only serve to put stress on the co-parenting relationship and will harm the children. Remember that underlying anger is hurt and love disappointed. The healthier that relationship can be, the better for both children. Second, it sounds like parenting time will be pretty substantial which is a positive. The question becomes what activities can you use to maintain contact during the times that they are apart. I would start by making sure that there are plenty of pictures of both children in each home. I would make sure that these pictures are updated regularly since children change as they grow. I would encourage phone calls regularly (two or three times per week at a minimum). Even if your two year old cannot talk on the phone, just hearing her sister's voice can help maintain the closeness. In addition, I would encourage both children to send pictures they make regularly and as they get older and are able to write, they can write to each other. Another avenue may be the use of e-mail for speedier delivery if you and your step-daughter's mother have access to the technology. You may want to contact the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts at www.afccnet.org or by phone at 608-664-3750 since they have many brochures including one titled Moving Away and Long-Distance Parenting that may be helpful for all the adults involved. You might want to work with a local mediator or parenting coordinator to help work out any bumps that come up along the way. You can find a mediator/parenting coordinator at www.mediate.com or www.divorcenet.com.

My daughter, who has breastfed for the past almost three years, is now living with her father. I'm hoping from custody mediation to start having supervised visits once a week. It seems that breastfeeding during past visits has reassured her of my presence and our bond plus rekindled her confidence. She seemed happier and more comfortable with leaving the visit to go back to her father, than one time I decided not to nurse her. She also seemed more present and grounded, and less traumatized. However, there are others who have suggested it may be harder on her to nurse only one day a week, and not all the rest of the time. What do you think?

It must be difficult for you to only see your daughter one time per week. Having said that, I have several questions for you to think about. First, why are visits supervised? How much time did you spend with your daughter before the divorce? What is the real reason for the breastfeeding? Are there other ways you could explore with your daughter for bonding and reassurance, grounding, etc.? Now, having raised the questions for you to think about, here is some information I hope you find helpful.

It is normal for children in your daughter's age group to have the following reactions to the divorce, especially if the amount of time you see each other now is significantly less than before the divorce, which it sounds like it is: trouble sleeping, afraid to leave parent (clinging), crankiness, crying, slowing down in learning new skills, confusion, fear of abandonment, aggression (temper tantrums), return to security items (nursing), emotionally needy, amongst others. Without knowing all the facts, the breastfeeding one time per week could be doing more harm than good since it can be viewed as a "security item." At this point it will be beneficial and necessary for the two of you to develop other ways of meeting both of your needs (you have a real need to maintain closeness with her with your limited contact and she has the same need with you). It is most important for you to continue to hold her and spend quality time with her. I think you should complete the weaning process for both of you and work on other avenues. Hold her close as you read a book, play a game, or do artwork together. Depending on the terms of the supervised parenting time you might be able to take a walk holding hands and explore nature together.

Perhaps attending a parenting group for other single parents of toddlers would be helpful. You could start by visiting www.helpstartshere.org a website from the National Association of Social Workers to see if there is a contact in your area. You may also want to contact La Leche League in your area to see if there are any groups and/or reading materials for parenting after weaning.

The father of my two children and I have yet to live together as a family (our oldest will be four soon, my daughter just turned two.) My children and I have lived with my parents all their lives, with weekend visits with their dad. Financial reasons have kept us apart. He left after Christmas to pursue work with his father in a different state very far away from us. We have seen him three times this year. I told him we would try it out there with him, but am not keen on moving so far away. When I tell my son we will be leaving to live with daddy soon, he gets angry and tells me he wants to live with me, "baby" and Grandma and Grandpa in their house. We visited their father back in April so they know we have to get on a plane to get there.

My question—how hard is this going to be on my son and daughter? How do I help them transition to living with their father and leaving two people who have become very important in their lives? Their father does not think there is anything to worry about since he is their father. I am not sure how much my little girl really remembers of him, but will say "Hi Daddy" on the phone.

First, let me say that children are resilient. They can adapt to change fairly easily. Now, having said that, I have the following things for you to think about:

1. How committed are you to the children's father and making this relationship work and how committed is he to you and the relationship? The more committed and confident you are the better for the children. If they can sense any uncertainty about the relationship and/or move from you it can cause them to feel anxious, etc.
2. Accept that the change will be a loss for the children. They will grieve (there are five stages to the grieving process: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance) the closeness they have had with their grandparents. The anger your son is experiencing is part of the grieving process. He is already anticipating the move and it makes him angry to imagine losing the contact with his grandparents. It will be very important for you to work extra hard on maintaining that relationship through regular visits, phone calls, and mail.
3. "Moving so far away" as you put it is a legitimate concern. What kind of supports will you and the children have where you are moving to? Will you be working? What if the marital relationship does not work out? Finally, it will be important for you to continue to build the relationship between your children and their father in anticipation of the move and if possible, have a few more visits before the move takes place. If you decide not to move, their father is still their father and working at increasing visits there or in your home state will still be important so that the children know their father as their father and their grandparents as their grandparents.

My husband and his son's mother just settled a nasty custody battle, with joint custody and 50% parenting time being awarded. During this battle, my step-son's mother was extremely negative about me to her son. After about six months of this, he no longer says he loves me, won't acknowledge me in her presence, and seems very troubled by my acting as if I am a parent to him. I have been parenting him with his father and our other two children for four years (he just turned six). What can I do to heal our faltering relationship? How do I combat negativity about me from his mother without being negative about her? I realize there is a difference between a mom and a step-mom, and that the relationships are necessarily different as well. But I love him, and I want to be the best possible parent I can be. What should I do?

First, recognize that there are some normal children's reactions that all children go through in a divorce. Having loyalty issues is one of them. This is exactly what your step-son is demonstrating to you. He probably fears, partially because it is normal, and partially because of the strained relationship between his mother and father, that if he has a positive relationship with you that he will upset, or even alienate his mother. As you said, you want to be the best parent that you can so it is important to love your step-son unconditionally, be aware of his loyalty issues and try not to add to them by forcing him to be a certain way when he is around both you and his mother. Another issue for you to think about is the whole issue of loss and grief—you are grieving what you see as the ideal relationship with your step-son; he is grieving the loss of his ideal family with his parents in the same house and each of his biological parents are grieving from the custody battle.

Some resources to consider are family counseling or a divorce/family mediator with you, your step-son's father and his mother to help the three of you have a more positive co-parenting relationship. You can check out www.mediate.com, www.helpstartshere.org (a website of National Association of Social Workers), and www.divorcenet.com for some counselors and/or mediators in your area. A couple of books worth checking out are Stepfamily Problems: How to Solve Them by Tom Frydenger, The Step Family Survival Guide by Natalie Gillespie, and The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life by Karon Goodman. You may also want to contact the Stepfamily Association of America at 1-800-735-0329.

To be brief, my marriage is coming to an end. Several days ago an attorney friend came over to discuss what we will encounter regarding several issues my husband has with me parenting, including the fact that our three (and a quarter) year old son still breastfeeds and that if he awakens at night and I go to comfort him, I often end up cosleeping. The attorney stated that the court would advise me that this "behavior" must end; I call it attachment parenting and think it is a positive connection. Have you encountered this issue and dealt with the courts? Do you have any advice or resources for me to access?

Yes, I have encountered this before. I have had attorneys contact me for consultation on this very issue. The advice I give to you is as follows: While I agree with you that it is attachment parenting and can be a positive connection for you and your son, not all of society feels the way you do. Judges may look at it questioningly if the behavior prevents your son from having parenting time with his father. I do not know how frequently your son breastfeeds, but taking a look at how to maximize parenting time between your son and his father as you work to wean your son may be an approach to take.

Some resources to check out are your local La Leche League and your local Attachment Parenting organization. You can go to www.lalecheleague.org and www.attachmentparenting.org to find local chapters in your area. The Attachment Parenting website has a lot of information on family law and related articles that will be very helpful for you. Other good resources are a supportive pediatrician or alternative health care professional. A couple of books worth checking out are Attachment Parenting by Katie Allison Granju, The Attachment Parenting Book by William Sears, and Night Time Parenting by William Sears. I hope this helps.