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	ask the experts judy arnall

Judy Arnall
Attachment Parenting, Discipline (non-punitive, communication-based), Homeschooling

• Three-year-old and clean up
• Mommy's girl
• How to discipline son who hits
• Threatening
• Sleep issues
• Grandchild won't listen
• Toddlers Hitting
• Military service and parenting
• New baby jealousy

My son is almost three-years-old and shows no interest in cleaning up after playing. We try to do clean up (with my husband or I helping) at a couple regular times during the day and at times when he isn't overtired and cranky, so it is part of routine, just as a nap and bath are. We model cleaning up (both our own messes and his) and participate in a playgroup where clean-up time is part of the experience and have been hoping that he will eventually just catch on. He hasn't so far, and when I ask him to participate, he just says, "Mommy, do it," meaning I should just clean up everything for him. I've tried explaining that when he leaves his things out they could get broken or other people could trip on them (both of which have happened), but this doesn't seem to sway him. I've tried making it a game, but he doesn't buy it. I've tried a problem-solving approach, but he seems too young or too distracted to offer up solutions himself. I don't want to get into a battle of wills, but I also want him to develop a sense of responsibility and care for his possessions?and not expect me to always clean up after him. How much should I be expecting of him at this age, and is there anything that I can do to encourage him to clean up after himself?

It can be very frustrating to expect children to clean up, and they don't seem to care or want to help in any way. It may even trigger our anger buttons because we feel as if we are doing all the work and that they will grow up expecting us to wait on them hand and foot. However, it's important to keep expectations in line with their age and development. At three years of age, he is easily distracted and has no interest in cleaning up. This is normal and appropriate for his development. Three-year-olds live in the here and now and are very egocentric; their needs matter more than yours. That being said, you can encourage him to help clean up by making it fun and simple. Turning clean-up into a game by setting a timer or by putting on music, and seeing who can clean up the blocks the fastest by putting them in a bucket is something he might be able to manage. Just give him one type of item to pick up and even if he only picks up several items and wanders away, you are planting the seed for doing chores down the road. Praise his efforts even though you will have to do the rest. By age five or six, children can learn to sort, and then you can give him the task of sorting blocks from cars and then putting them into the right baskets. Make clean-up easy by having several buckets to put the toys into. Pack away 90 percent of the toys and leave 10 percent out, and you will find that the toys are easier to manage. Besides, children find a cluttered play area overwhelming and tend to not play with anything when it looks like a disaster hit the playroom. Teach them to get in the habit of putting several toy types away before bringing out more. Also, it helps to promise a snack or something fun after the job is done: "When we pick up these toys, then we can have our snack." Between the ages of six- and eleven-years-old, children still need help and reminding from parents to put things away. By the age of twelve, most children can clean up independently. As with many milestones, chores and clean-up jobs are progressive learning tasks and children love to help if you give them a task that matches their ability, age, and chore preferences. Don't give up. It will pay off later when your teen son builds you a fence!

My five-and-a-half-month-old girl is having serious mommy's girl issues. She will allow her father to hold her, but really needs me to hold her all the time. For short periods of the day (ten minutes max), she will let me put her down, and she will sleep without me being right next to her, but for the most part she has to be right there with me. I know this is the idea of attachment parenting, but I can't even go to the bathroom without her screaming for me! We have had a change in her routine lately; dad used to be the one staying home with her during the day while I worked and now I am the one who stays home while he works. If anything, I thought this would help the issue. Is this fairly normal behavior for her age? How do I help her be independent? Do I really need to think about helping her be independent at this age? Also, I should add that she won't let friends or family hold her. I want to help her be social.

It can be quite tiring to hold your mommy's girl all day and night, but remember that you are trying to help her to be independent by meeting her needs for closeness. All children are born with unique temperaments, and it sounds like your daughter is on the high-need continuum. High-need children are sensitive to others' feelings, intense in their reactions, and need a lot of physical touching and closeness. She was born that way, and you can't make her less needy by the way you parent or by insisting on her independence. More than 60 years of research shows that you could make her more clingy and more needy by ignoring her needs and pushing her to be independent before she is ready and secure. Every child has a different schedule for independent behavior. Look, listen, and respond to what your daughter is communicating: she needs you, and your most important job right now is to respond to her needs. If you do, you will have a sensitive, empathic, independent, social, caring little girl because the important people in her life respond to her in the same way.

That being said, I know how draining parenting high-need children is (I had three of them), and I urge you to take care of yourself so that you can give to your daughter. Meet your needs as best as you can while also meeting hers. Know your limits and make sure you get enough sleep (call your partner to parenting action every third or fourth night), eat healthfully, and try to book some time off to do activities that you love to do and that feed your soul. There are high-need/spirited baby and child support groups springing up all over the country, and it might be something to consider joining. It's nice to share tips and support with some of the parents of high-needs children, who make up 15 percent of the babies born every year.

My son is four-and-a-half-years-old. He has been raised according to attachment parenting [guidelines]. Probably for about a year, he goes through phases where his behavior is very difficult. He hits both his father and me. He is very strong-willed and sometimes responds to a no with hitting, kicking, and yelling or sometimes it seems to be just an excess of energy. He is very energetic and high-spirited. He is also sometimes shy with others and that can lead to aggressive or somewhat hyperactive behavior in social situations, especially in the first half-hour or so after someone arrives. Sometimes he never seems to do as I ask, and there are times when I am quite embarrassed by his behavior, particularly in adult-only company. He is also, but not always, rough and aggressive with our pets. Sometimes I think I am way too permissive, but because I am trying to raise my son without punishment, I don't know how to deal with [his behavior]. I have been thinking lately that this is all crazy and that I need to implement some punishments like time-outs. I have never hit my son, and I hope I never do, but over the last year I have yelled at him in anger many times. I feel awful about this, and I think that if I had some kind of system in place to deal with unacceptable behavior, I may not explode the way I do when I try to be patient and put up with things and then just end up losing it. What can I do to change this situation?

There are several aspects of your son's person that are emerging and may shed light on his behavior. You mention temperament. Spirited children can be very challenging to parents. Their characteristic intensity and persistence mean that they tend to feel emotions more deeply, and they stick to their goals. You mention that he is four-and-a-half. It might help to know that children under five years of age tend to listen (or cooperate with our requests) about 40 percent of the time. That's normal. They are in a developmental phase in which they are learning about their power--yes, they have power--and socially acceptable ways to use it. He's a boy and boys are also more physically active, aggressive, and intense than girls. Put these attributes all together, and he sounds like a pretty normal guy for his age.

It's great that you have been able to teach him without using punishments, and I don't think punishments would help change his behavior any more than what you are doing now. Using punishment runs a real risk of increasing negative behavior and putting your relationship at risk. However, it doesn't mean that you don't address the behavior that you find embarrassing or socially inappropriate. Discipline and punishment are two very different methods of dealing with behavior. Discipline is about addressing the behavior, but not in a way that hurts the child like punishment does.

Discipline is proactive and involves prevention, and also teaches correct behavior by focusing on what to do in the future. Punishment is reactive and tries to correct past behavior by hurting a child so that he will be deterred from doing the same thing in the future. It doesn't, however, teach alternative behavior.

Keep your parenting positive by dealing with your emotions first. If you are angry at what you see, take a few moments to calm yourself down so you don't end up yelling. When you are in a better space, you can deal with your child and the situation more effectively.

When you discipline children, you are dealing with two elements: the emotional upset of the child and the behavior. Using punishment techniques, such as time-outs, only deals with the behavior and not the emotional aspect. If the emotions are not addressed, the behavior often continues.

Here are a few positive discipline techniques you can try for some of the behavior you mentioned. When your child hits you or dad, protect yourself and don't allow yourself to be hit. Hold your child's hands and say, "I feel hurt when you hit me" or "I don't like that." Try to keep yourself out of the line of fire. When you say no and he responds with hitting, kicking, and yelling, allow him his feelings, and help him to calm down if he will let you. Deal with the emotions first and behavior later. Don't change your no to a yes to avoid his reaction. Give him the message that you are okay with all his feelings and the answer is still no in spite of his behavior. He needs to know that you are not afraid of his anger.

When the heat of the moment has subsided and everyone is calm, then it's a great time to talk about alternatives to his kicking and hitting, and have him help you clean up whatever mess he made in the course of his tantrum. These are natural consequences. Children usually help you clean up when you don't insist in the emotional heat of the moment. When they are calm, they can clearly see the damage they caused and usually want to make some restitution. You both can come up with ideas of what he could do instead of kicking and yelling the next time. You are helping him come up with a plan to handle frustration when his goals are being thwarted, and this is a life skill he will need. At many times in our lives we hear no and we have to handle it like an adult. Don't expect perfection from a four-year-old. It takes many practices to handle a no with maturity and aplomb, and many adults are still mastering it. When someone comes over and he acts up for the first half-hour, again, remember that it is a very normal behavior. Many children do that. Perhaps increase your tolerance for his zest. As long as he isn't breaking anything, he may need to expend more energy during that transition time. Get him a mini trampoline to bounce on in the basement. Perhaps take him to the playground before company comes. Keep on teaching him how to handle and pet animals gently. He will eventually get it. Lastly, many parents become exasperated and yell. However, we have to model how to deal with our anger, as that's what we are teaching the children. The next time you are tempted to yell, take deep breaths and count to ten. Remember that you are modeling anger management to a very impressionable young man. To sum up, remember to stay calm. Get him calm. Then deal with the situation or problem. This works much better in getting behavior change in the long run than applying punishment, and it leaves your relationship intact.

I admit that it is my fault. Now how do I fix it? Any time I want my boys-ages five and three-to do something, I always have to threaten them to get results. They wait until the threat or the counting begins before they obey. Can I change this?

It's very common for parents to get in the habit of threatening and counting in order to get their children to cooperate. We know it's not very positive, but sometimes it works in the short-term to get things done. However, it tends to damage relationships and loses its effectiveness in the long-term. Parents eventually run out of things to threaten to take away because children become more capable of meeting their own needs.

Keep in mind that your children are still very young. Children under the age of five generally cooperate with parents' directives about 40 percent of the time. So, 60 percent of the time, they don't listen. That's normal!

Of course, it gets better as they get older and less egocentric. For the parent of a preschooler, a daily routine encompasses about 50 directives from the parent from the minute the child gets up in the morning until bedtime. That's a lot of requests. It's no wonder there are days when they just don't want to cooperate.

There are many respectful ways to ask for cooperation. One of those is using an I-statement. This is done by walking up to the child, making eye contact, and saying, "I feel unhappy when I ask for help and am ignored." Another way is to make it a game. Any time you can turn a chore into something fun, children are more apt to do it. Putting on music or doing it alongside them increases the fun factor. Changing the environment works on the premise that it's easier to change the surroundings than another person. For example, if the children have to be nagged to pick up their socks scattered around the house, consider having one sock bucket by the door and having them take socks off as they come in the house and put them in the sock bucket. It saves hunting all around the house for them. Coming up with ideas to change the situation requires a bit of forethought, but it definitely cuts down on the nagging, threatening, and yelling, and eventually preserves the relationship.

My husband and I are practicing attachment parenting. Our daughter is 20-months-old now. I am the mama and putting her to bed is getting to be too much for me. I would like to start to have more time to myself. Also, we cosleep, and she still wakes up to nurse a couple times a night. I understand that crib toddlers sleep through the night. I don't regret our decision. I just envy being able to sleep through the night. I am tired with being tired. And I know I would be a better mother with more sleep. I am very torn. I have no idea what to do. I am so tired. When will she sleep on her own and when will she sleep through the night? And are there any other options for me?

I can understand that after twenty months, you would like a bit more time for yourself. If it's any comfort, most attachment parenting moms report that nursing toddlers tend to sleep more through the night after they get their second-year molars, around two-and-a-half years of age. And most toddlers in cribs are not sleeping through the night. They still have nightmares, night terrors, teething, illness, and just plain old separation anxiety that keep their parents awake, too. You might want to try night-weaning her gradually. Start by eliminating feedings one by one through the night. She might be old enough to understand if you say, "Num-nums (or whatever you call your breasts) are sleeping now. We can nurse in the morning." Watch and see how she responds. Many children just want the closeness of you during the night and would be happy to just hug or touch a body part while they are drifting back to sleep. If she protests, keep nursing and try again in a week. Talk with her during the day that your breasts are tired at night and they need sleep. Another thing to try is to have your partner help her back to sleep during the night while you get a full night of sleep in another room. If he cuddles her and soothes her back to sleep (obviously without nursing), she has another sleep association that is comforting to her, yet breaks the nurse-to-sleep connection. Yes, your partner might be tired, but it's better to have two tired parents than one rested and one totally exhausted parent! If nothing works, remember that by the time your child is five-years-old, most children are sleeping pretty solidly through most nights.

My grandchild just won't listen. If I try to hold his hand while walking, he wrenches free and will run a circle around cars in the parking lot keeping just far enough ahead that I am not able to reach him—if I go right, he goes left. It is scary and dangerous. He is three and prone to have screaming fits if things don't go his way. Parents are yelling at him. I think he is tuning us out. There has to be a calmer way, but I think we all need to be on the same page. What do we do to stop this behavior?

It can be very scary and frustrating to have a child run away from us, especially in parking lots. At three, he doesn't have any concept of the danger involved in cars and traffic and is too young to understand safety rules, and thus, he relies upon you and the parents to keep him safe. He's not too young for you to insist he holds on to your hand while crossing streets. Of course, three-year-olds don't listen or cooperate very well because they get caught up in the fun of running away from you. Sometimes, it helps to either make it a game to your advantage, or to change the environment to keep them safe. To make it a game, you could pretend that you need his help crossing the street or parking lot. Children will cooperate more if they don't feel like they have to obey someone. Or you could pretend that you are walking through the jungle and have to stick together. If that doesn't work, try changing the environment. Sometimes, you have to just pick him up and carry him to ensure he is safe. Or, cross the parking lot when he is in a stroller, backpack, or shopping cart, so he is contained. If he is upset at being contained, acknowledge his feelings; "I know that you are upset, but we have to cross the street safely." He will eventually understand safety rules, but until then, your patience and supervision will help him get there.

I have a 19-month-old son, and we hang out with a 25-month-old boy and his mom a lot. Recently he started hitting my son all the time. (He hits other kids, too.) Out of the blue he takes a toy and smashes it on my son's head. Then he laughs and will try it again later without forewarning. I understand if a toddler is frustrated and his reaction is to hit, but why out of the blue? His mom thinks it is totally normal, but I don't think so. She also mentioned that all the other kids she knows hit, too. I really like the mom, but now I am thinking of taking distance because of that. The mom is, of course, very sorry, and so we try to keep them playing safe, and actually it is getting pretty tense and not much fun for either of us. What do you think about that scenario? Am I overreacting?

Nothing hurts a parent more than seeing her child physically hurt by someone else. I don't think you are overreacting by being concerned about the situation. Although the other mother is correct in that hitting is a normal developmental action by toddlers, it doesn't mean that the behavior should be ignored. Many toddlers do hit when they aren't frustrated or angry. They may hit to see what reaction will occur. Or they may just hit out of unrestrained impulse. The first course of action for you is to keep your son safe. That may require extra monitoring from you on playdates. Of course, this isn't much fun and doesn't allow you much time to chat with other moms.

The next course of action is to speak to the other toddler. You could say something like "Hitting hurts people. Please stop," while whisking your son out of the way. Someone needs to let him know that hitting others may be understandable, but still not socially correct. Keep in mind that other parents have varying tolerance for parents correcting their children and may welcome your interjection or may object.

The next course of action is speaking to the parent directly in an I-statement. By saying, "I'm worried that my son will get hurt when he is hit by a toy" tells the other parent how you feel and what action is inappropriate. It leaves them the dignity of figuring out what they could do to help. We can hope that they will respond. If nothing changes, then perhaps the last resort is to see the mom alone when you have childcare, and that way your toddlers do not have to interact. Some children just don't click with each other, and even though the moms are best friends and want to continue contact, it's necessary to respect the child's wishes of not wanting to be part of the social-visiting package.

I am a military mother with a three-month-old. I consider it both my duty and an honor to serve our country; I chose to remain in when given the choice to separate due to pregnancy. The fact that my unit will deploy when my son is one-and-a-half years old is still very distressing. I love the attachment we have (I breastfeed and cosleep), and even though I know it's good to be attached, sometimes I wonder if it would be better to be unattached. I am going to leave him, and I worry that he will feel abandoned and traumatized. Is there anything I can do to help ease the separation, and the return? If it comes down to it, I am willing to give up my military career, but it is a hard decision for me, ethically and financially.

You are facing a difficult decision. You don't say who will take care of your son while you are away or how long you will be gone, but I'm sure that you will find excellent care for him. It's great that you are breastfeeding and cosleeping now and that you are building a strong attachment to him.

You might get advice to ease off of those things now in order to get him used to independence, but the research shows the opposite; the better your attachment and relationship, the more resilient he will be when you actually have to leave. Continue doing all the things that keep you close together.

When you leave, he will miss you and you can't change how he feels. Prepare his caregiver to help him cope with his feelings of loss and sadness. Show your caregiver how to acknowledge feelings by saying, "You are sad that Mommy is gone?" and let him express himself even if it means crying and tantrums. Try to spend a few days or weeks with the caregiver beforehand, so your son can understand the transition of care from you to the caregiver. To ease the goodbye, avoid sneaking away. Have a celebration and give lots of hugs and kisses. Have matching identical stuffed animals or other items (one that you take with you, and one to leave with him) to which each can transmit an imaginary "I love you" message intended for the other. Sleep with his stuffed animal before you leave so that it smells of you. Say a definite "goodbye" and wave. Keep in contact while you are gone as much as possible by using technology. When you telephone the caregiver, have him or her put the phone on speaker, so your child can hear your voice as you talk with the caregiver. Use Webcams so he can see you over the Internet. When you return, he may be distant for a while, and that's very normal. Allow him time to warm up to you on his own schedule. Or, he may be extra clingy. That's okay, too. He is filling up on security. Your relationship will soon pick up where it left off.

We have a three-year-old at home and recently had another baby. Prior to our new baby, our three-year-old was our everything. He received lots of attention from both of us and I (mommy) was lucky enough to stay home with him on a full-time basis. Since the birth of our second son, our three-year-old has shown incredible jealousy. We expected some of this and understand it's a normal reaction to a new baby in the family. However, it's been five months now, and he continues to struggle with his interactions with his baby brother. I have to watch him like a hawk as I have caught him on several occasions grabbing the baby's arm too tight, pushing the baby away just a tad too hard, making kicking motions in the baby's direction and within inches of his head, and so on. We have sat down often and discussed his jealousy and have given lots of verbal reassurance that we love him just as much as the baby. We have also given him dates out with both mommy and daddy alone. He has been able to express from time to time that "he's mad at the baby" and wants our attention. It seems no matter how much attention he gets he still struggles with acting out his jealousy in ways that could potentially upset or harm the baby. We find ourselves engaging in constant redirection with him and are growing a bit frustrated ourselves. There are times when it seems he turns around and does exactly what we just asked him not to do and we end up raising our voice at him. I am sad that he feels such jealousy, but don't know how else to handle it at this point. We feel like we've tried everything: talking, praising, positive redirection, special time out with mommy or daddy, encouraging the use of his words and talking about his feelings, yet nothing seems to have changed this behavior. Will we have to forever resort to constant redirection and keeping him at a distance from his baby brother? Would love some advice and direction on this issue.

Congratulations on the expansion of your family. It can be a difficult adjustment for all your family members, as you have experienced. It sounds like your little guy has some pretty strong feelings regarding the new baby.

Although most siblings adjust to the new baby within the first three months, many children can take longer. It may take your child a good year or two to process this change. Sibling conflict then flares up again around the baby's first birthday when he is up and walking and getting into the older sibling's things, and then continues for the rest of their lives. As anyone who grew up in a family with more than one child can attest to, sibling conflict is a normal part of family life.

As parents, you are behaving in a helpful way. Redirecting, using positive phrases, one-on-one time, discussing feelings, and of course, supervision is essential (until the older child is around seven or eight, avoid leaving them alone together). You are probably helping him process his intense feelings of jealously more than you know, even if his behavior isn't changing yet. Please try to keep up with the type of parenting you are doing now. It will pay off in more sibling harmony down the road. The more children are free to express their negative feelings about life with brothers and sisters—and we know that it's not all a piece of cake—the more they can share their positive feelings, too. Giving him paper and markers to draw his feelings can help. Also, give him a doll to express his feelings about the new baby. Accept all responses without judgment. Remember that there is no limit on feelings, but only on behavior. If he draws a paper full of black and red marks, it may seem scary to you, but he is getting his feelings out in a way that doesn't hurt anybody or anything. Keep acknowledging his feelings by saying, "I see that you are feeling angry that the baby is getting more of mommy's time. It's OK to feel angry. We can't push baby. Here, let's draw a picture of our 'angries' instead." Repetition is essential. I realize that it's frustrating for you to constantly practice positive parenting and not get the behavior change you want to see, but it will come in your son's own time, and you will see a blossoming relationship between the siblings. It will all be worth it in the long run!

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