© 2012 Mothering Magazine. Powered by Huddler Families
By Sue Smith-Heavenrich
Issue 106, May/June 2001
Bullying, often dismissed as a normal part of growing up, is a real problem in our nation's schools, according to the National School Safety Center.1 One out of every four schoolchildren endures taunting, teasing, pushing, and shoving daily from schoolyard bullies. More than 43 percent of middle- and high-school students avoid using school bathrooms for fear of being harassed or assaulted.2 Old-fashioned schoolyard hazing has escalated to instances of extortion, emotional terrorism, and kids toting guns to school.
Bullying exists in every Western or Westernized culture, from Finland and Australia to Japan and China. Three million bullying incidents are reported each year in the US alone, and over 160,000 children miss school each day for fear of being bullied.3 In Japan, bullying is called ijime. In 1993, just months before three suicides pushed ijime into the headlines, there were over 21,500 reported incidents of schoolyard bullying.4
Many who flee urban streets to escape the culture of violence learn too late that bullying is more common in rural areas than in the cities. Researchers who surveyed hundreds of children living in the rural American Midwest found that 90 percent of middle school students and 66 percent of high school students reported having been bullied during their school careers.5
Living in a culture that encourages competition and dominance, most Americans do not take bullying seriously. The problem, says UCLA Adjunct Associate Professor of Psychology Jaana Juvonen, is that ridicule and intimidation have become acceptable. Her studies indicate that starting in middle school, bullies are considered "cool," while their victims are rejected from the social milieu.6
It is estimated that more than 90 percent of all incidents of school violence begin with verbal conflicts, which escalate to profanities and then to fists or worse.7 Our culture has a great degree of tolerance for violence as a solution to problems. Just stroll through the local toy store; you'll find star destroyers, robots that shred their enemies, and even dolls dressed in black trench coats, wearing ski masks and toting guns. It should come as no surprise, then, that the US ranks along with England, Ireland, and Canada as having more bullies per capita than just about anywhere else in the world.8
Meet the Bullies
A bully is someone who verbally or physically picks on others. A school bully might push you out of your seat, kick you when your back is turned, demand lunch money, threaten or insult you, call you names, or make jokes about you. A bully might give you dirty looks and spread rumors about you.
In addition to physical violence, threats, and name-calling are behaviors that qualify as emotional bullying. Excluding a child from a group or tormenting, ridiculing, and humiliating someone are kinds of emotional violence. Bullying can be racist in nature, with slurs, taunts, graffiti, and gestures. It can be sexual, with one child making abusive comments or pushing unwanted physical contact on another.
Bullies try to shame and intimidate their victims and make them feel inadequate. Some bullies are active and aggressive; others are reserved and manipulative, relying on smooth talk and lies. Bullying is not gender specific; it is estimated that 25 percent of bullies are females. Regardless of how big they are or what they look like, all bullies want power and have difficulty seeing things from another person's perspective. Simply put, bullies use other people to get what they want. Researchers are now finding out that bullies are different from other children. Their aggression begins at an early age, and they tend to attribute hostile intentions to others.9 They perceive provocation where none exists and set out to exact revenge. Eventually they come to believe that aggression is their best solution to conflicts.
Formerly it was accepted that bullying was rooted in low self-esteem. Recent research by UCLA's Juvonen and others reveals, however, that bulliestend to regard themselves in a positive light.10 Up to about sixth grade they are fairly popular, but as they get older their popularity wanes. By the time they're in high school, they tend to hang out with others like themselves: self-styled tough guys who may get what they want but are not well liked.
The person most hurt by bullying is often not the victim but the bully. The bully's behavior interferes with learning and friendships, and later on with work, relationships, income, and mental health. Children who bully tend to turn into antisocial adults and are more likely to commit crimes, batter spouses, and abuse their children.11 One study shows that 60 percent of boys who were bullies in middle school had at least one court conviction by the age of 24.12
One researcher followed the lives of 518 individuals from the age of eight to about 50. Those children who were labeled as bullies went on to receive more driving citations and court convictions and showed higher rates of alcoholism and antisocial personality disorders. Though their intelligence level in the early grades was on a par with that of other children, by the time they were 19, their aggressive behavior interfered with developing intellectual skills. In high school, these were the children who experimented more with sex, drugs, and alcohol and had higher dropout rates.13
About one third of bullies are themselves victims of bullying, and a recent study shows that these children have a higher risk of depression and suicidal thoughts than other children.14 Clearly, being a bully can be hazardous to your health.
The Victims
It is not so much the nature of the harassment, whether verbal or physical, but the extent of the bullying that harms a child. Children who are chronically targeted are likely to become increasingly withdrawn from their peers and suffer increased risk of depression and suicidal thoughts. Some actually end up killing themselves.
Nathan Feris, a seventh-grade student at Dekalb (Missouri) High School, put up with four years of teasing and taunting. He was called "chubby" and "the walking dictionary." One day in March 1987, he brought a gun to school, fatally shot another student, then took his own life. Six years later Curtis Taylor, an eighth-grade honors student from Burlington, Iowa, ended his life. He had been bullied for three years, enduring name-calling, constant tripping and shoving, and vandalism to his bicycle. In 1994, 15-year-old Brian Head walked into his classroom in Woodstock, Georgia, and shot himself. Quiet and overweight, he had been teased and bullied until he could not put up with it anymore.
When Your Child Is the Victim
The best way to protect your children is to foster their confidence and independence. You must also be willing to take action when needed. First and foremost, listen to your children. Ask them about school, social events, playtime, and sports practice. Children who are victimized by bullies may feel ashamed and too embarrassed to tell anyone, so listen to the petty gripes they bring up.
Some children don't reveal much through conversation, but other signs might alert you to the fact that all is not well. They might be afraid of walking home from school or beg for a ride instead of taking the bus. They might become withdrawn, distressed, or anxious, or come home with clothes torn and books destroyed. They may ask for extra lunch money because they are paying someone off; they may cry themselves to sleep at night.15.>
If you think your child is being picked on, take the time to gently draw his fears out in conversation. If he mentions bullying, take his complaints seriously. First, convince him that it is not his fault, that the bully's behavior is the source of the problem. Then give him the tools to deal with the bully. Telling a child either to ignore a bully or to fight back is not the solution. Rather, we need to help our children learn to be assertive--to stand up for themselves in a nonviolent manner and have the confidence to seek help when they need it. We need to encourage action and discourage violence.
If your child is the quiet sort of victim, encourage him to express his feelings. Help him learn skills to manage his anxiety. Teach him some basic social skills: what to say and how to say it. If your child is the sort who eggs on bullies and picks unnecessary battles, teach her to "stop and think." Help her to learn more appropriate ways of expressing anger and encourage her participation in cooperative group activities.
Working together, develop some protective strategies your child can use, a sort of "bully-proof armor." In addition, teach your child to stay away from kids with bullying behavior. You may even want to enroll him or her in a martial arts school.
If your child is being bullied, it is appropriate to call the school or organization where it is happening. You should keep a record of incidents, noting dates and details. And, though you may be tempted to call the bully's parents, do not do so. Instead, try to meet the parents in neutral environment, perhaps a classroom with a teacher or counselor present, so you can focus on solving the problem instead of blaming each other.
Patience is essential, because bullying problems are not resolved overnight. Even as we help our children develop bully-busting strategies, we must also help them strengthen talents and skills that improve their self-esteem, such as music, sports, art, math--whatever your child has a passion for and is good at. We may need to help our children develop new friendships as well as strengthen the friendships they already have. Remember, children with friends are less likely to be targets of bullies.
When Your Child Is the Bully
The last thing you want to hear is that your child is a bully. Although your normal response is to be defensive, stop for a moment, take a few deep breaths, and defuse the situation. Say something like this: "Instead of labeling my child, please tell me what happened." Then make yourself listen. Remind yourself that this discussion is ultimately about your child's well-being, even though it may not seem so at the moment. If your child is a bully, look for what is going on in her life to make her act this way. In talking with your child, do not blame her, and don't get pulled into a discussion about what happened or why. Instead, let her know that bullying is not acceptable in your family or in society. Offer your assistance. Ask her, "How can I help you with this? Who can you go see in school if you find yourself getting into this situation again?" Once you understand her feelings, you can teach her new ways of behaving. You can say, "If you are feeling frustrated, angry, or aggressive, here are some things you can do." Together, you can make a list and tape it to her wall. A particularly helpful activity may be to ask your child to "walk a mile" in the victim's shoes. Because bullies have trouble empathizing with their victims, it is important to discuss how it feels to be bullied.
How do you discourage a child from acting like a bully in the first place? It begins at home. Children who are treated with respect by their parents are less likely to become bullies. Never bully your children, either physically or verbally. Parents who frequently criticize their children, demand unquestioning obedience, or use spanking as punishment are sending the message that anger and intimidation are useful ways of getting what you want. Ridiculing kids, yelling at them, or ignoring them when they misbehave aren't helpful models of behavior either. Instead, use nonphysical discipline measures that are enforced consistently.
Parents who are overly permissive, who give in to obnoxious or demanding children, are letting them know that bullying pays off. Instead, teach the art of negotiation early on and help your children learn how to mediate their own disputes.
School Intervention
According to students, schools respond inadequately, if at all, to reported incidents of bullying. When Frank Barone, principal of Amsterdam High School in Amsterdam, New York, asked hundreds of eighth graders if they had ever been bullied, more than half (58.8 percent) responded in the affirmative. Yet when he asked their teachers how many students had been bullied, they put the figure at 16 percent. Clearly, adults don't recognize the extent of bullying that children face every day.
One researcher taped 52 hours of playground activity at a midsize Toronto school. She documented over 400 episodes of bullying--an average of one every seven minutes--yet teachers intervened in only one out of every 25 episodes.17 Another survey showed that 71 percent of teachers stayed out of or ignored incidents of teasing and bullying.18
The attitudes and behaviors of teachers and school staff strongly determine the extent to which bullying manifests itself in school and on the playground. Where bullying is tolerated, it flourishes. Teachers have a tremendous amount of power to stop bullying behavior in their own classrooms by leading discussions in class. Together, students and their teacher can define bullying as unacceptable behavior, establish rules against it, and develop action plans so that students know what to do when they observe a bullying incident.
Teachers and other adults need to take immediate action when bullying does occur. They can confront bullies in private and notify the parents of both victims and bullies. Most of all, teachers can demand and model behavior grounded in respect and dignity. I've seen this work in classrooms where the teachers and students do not tolerate rude and aggressive behavior. The students feel safe, and they're excited about learning.
While individual teachers can teach tolerance, a better solution is to involve everyone in a schoolwide intervention program.19 Changing the school culture is more effective than focusing on individuals who misbehave. The best programs include both prevention and intervention. Where such programs have been implemented, the results are dramatic: bullying has decreased by up to 50 percent. Other benefits include reductions in truancy, vandalism, and fighting; improved classroom discipline; a more positive attitude toward schoolwork; and an increased satisfaction with school life among students.20
McCormick Middle School, in South Carolina, adopted a program that set clear sanctions for bullies and provided counseling for both bullies and their victims. A year later, the number of students being bullied had dropped from 50 to 22 percent. Within the last three years, schools across the nation (indeed, worldwide) have been developing and implementing "bully-proofing" programs, some with snappy titles, such as "Expect Respect" or "Respect and Protect." These programs typically incorporate development of rules, discussions, role-playing, and other consciousness-raising activities into their daily routine. Some, like the one at Willow Creek Elementary School in Englewood, Colorado, depend upon the active efforts of the 80 percent of the children who are neither bullies nor victims to put a stop to the bullying.
Whatever the program, the key to success is having parents, educators, and community members work together to create a climate that clearly communicates a moral code in which cruelty is neither tolerated nor ignored.
NOTES
1. www.nssc1.org [1]
2. Anna Mulrine, "Once Bullied, Now Bullies--With Guns," U.S. News & World Report, May 3, 1999.
3. Kathleen Vail, "Words That Wound," American School Board Journal, September 1999.
4. Lauren Fredman, "Bullied to Death in Japan," World Press Review 42 (March 1995): 25.
5. R. J. Hazler and J. H. Hoover, "Confronting the Bully Problem," Reclaiming Children and Youth 5, no. 1 (1996): 2-3.
6. J. Juvonen and M. Bezikian, "Law Alone Won't Put an End to Schoolyard Bullying," San Francisco Chronicle, June 23, 1999.
7. Del Stover, "Raising Students' Civil Behavior," School Board News 18, September 15, 1998.
8. Hara Estoff Marano, "Big, Bad Bully," Psychology Today 28 (September-October 1995): 50-89.
9. Ibid.
10. See Note 6; also see Patrick J. Kiger, "Kids Who Terrorize Kids," Good Housekeeping, October 1998.
11. A study by Leonard Eron, cited in Marano (see Note 8).
12. Dan Olweus, "Bully/Victim Problems at School: Facts and Effective Intervention," Reclaiming Children and Youth 5, no. 1 (1996): 15-22.
13. See Note 11.
14. R. Kaltiala-Heino et al., "Bullying, Depression and Suicidal Ideation in Finnish Adolescents: School Survey," British Medical Journal 319 (1999): 349-351.
15. www.kidscape.org.uk/kidscape [2], a site devoted to issues of bullying and suggestions for parents of victims and bullies.
16. Frank J. Barone, "Bullying in School: It Doesn't Have to Happen," Phi Delta Kappan 78 (September 1997): 80-83.
17. See Note 8.
18. Ken Schroeder, "Comments," Educational Digest 64 (January 1999): 73.
19. Carla Garrity et al., "Bullyproofing Your School: A Comprehensive Approach," Reclaiming Children & Youth 5, no. 1 (1996): 35-39.
20. See Note 12.
FOR MORE INFORMATION
Books
Fitzell, Susan Gringas. Free the Children!: Conflict Education for Strong and Peaceful Minds. New Society Publishers, 1997.
Garrity, Carla, Mitchell Baris, and William Porter. Bully Proofing Your Child: A Parent's Guide. Sopris West, 2000.
Hart, Louise. The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself. Lifeskills Press, 1990.
Rosenberg, Marshall. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion. PuddleDancer Press, 1999.
Waugh, Lyndon D. Tired of Yelling: Teaching Our Children to Resolve Conflict. Simon & Schuster, 1999.
Webster-Doyle, Terrence. Dr. Webster-Doyle's Martial Arts Guide for Parents: Helping Your Children Resolve Conflict Peacefully. Weatherhill, 1999.
Children's Books
Crary, Elizabeth. Amy's Disappearing Pickle. Parenting Press, 2001. 800-992-6657.
_________. Heidi's Irresistible Hat. Parenting Press, 2001.
_________. Willy's Noisy Sister. Parenting Press, 2001.
Noll, Kathy, with Jay Carter. Taking the Bully by the Horns. Unicorn Press, 1998. www.kathynoll.com [3]
Romain, Trevor. Bullies Are a Pain in the Brain. Free Spirit, 1997.
Webster-Doyle, Terrence. Why Is Everybody Always Picking on Me? Atrium Society, 1991.
Organizations
Community Boards
1540 Market Street, Suite 490, San Francisco, CA 94102; 415-552-1250; Fax: 415-626-0595; cmbrds@conflictnet.org; www.mediate.com/cbp [4]. Has conflict-resolution curricula for elementary through high school children.
Websites
www.nssc1.org [10]
www.kidscape.org.uk/kidscape [2]
www.safechild.org [11]
www.splcenter.org [12]Southern Poverty Law Center and the Teaching Tolerance Program
www.ipj-ppj.org [13] Institute for Peace and Justice
For additional information about bullying, see the following article in a past issue of Mothering: "The Contagiousness of Verbal Abuse," no. 70.
Sue Smith-Heavenrich is a freelance writer who lives in Candor, New York, with her husband, Lou, and their sons, Coulter (14) and Toby (11). She tends a half-acre organic garden, plays the dulcimer, and develops math, science, and writing enrichment programs for the local school where she volunteers.