Baby Naming 101

By Melissa Scholes Young
Web Exclusive - September 8, 2008

"Oh! When are you due?" The stranger reaches over and grips my belly between both hands. There is rubbing. There is patting. A stranger's finger is caressing my belly button.

"Any day now..." I muster a smile and jiggle my five-year-old's hand. I'm sending her a message that now would be the perfect time for an inappropriately loud question or a temper tantrum—anything to get me away from this inevitable conversation.

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

I want to tell the stranger it's an alien or better yet, a cheetah just to see the look on her face. I realize she is well-intentioned, though, and I am simply hormonal and sleep-deprived. It's just that I've had this conversation with little variety every time I've stepped in public since my belly began growing. Today has been a record of sort; this is my third conversation with a stranger since breakfast. Why do pregnant women immediately become communal property once our bellies begin protruding?

"It's a little girl," My fake smile is cracking.

"Oh... too bad. You guys probably wanted a little boy, didn't you?"

I look at my daughter and wonder for the thousandenth time how this reply must make her feel. I know it's not meant to be insensitive, but it certainly implies that a matched set of sexes is the only way to go. I resist the urge to launch into a lecture on how I am more interested in who my children are and not just how our society narrowly defines their gender.

"We are all very excited," I answer. The truth is we were hoping for another girl, but I don't feel like explaining all this to the stranger gripping my abdomen. I'm wondering if my blossoming bosom is next in line.

"And what are you going to name her? I just love little girl names!"

"We haven't really decided," I sigh. I immediately know I should have just answered "Sara" and ended the conversation. Sara it is. Yep, we are naming our baby Sara.

"Well, why not? You know she'll be here any minute. Honey, you've got to get down to business. Naming a baby is not something to be taken lightly!"

Awkward silence. I think the stranger is waiting for a litany of explanations or perhaps hoping I'll whip out the list of possible baby names from my purse. In my experience, people really only ask your baby name for two reasons. Number one is that they want to give their esteemed opinion of your chosen name. Number two is that they want to tell you what they named their own babies and why these names are superior to anything you were considering. It's wise to stop them there before the competitive birth stories of 30 hours of labor and 20-inch heads begin. Pretty soon you'll know the size of this stranger's episiotomy or how long her nipples cracked and bled before she switched to formula. Even if the stranger's cumulative naming experience is limited to a parakeet she had for two days in the first grade, she has an opinion on your unborn child's name. And she feels entitled to impose said opinion on your abdomen, which, thankfully, she's finally relinquished. That is, of course, after successfully jiggling the unborn child awake so that the kicking of ribs and bladder might commence. We wouldn't want momma to breathe or even make it through one day without wetting her pants.

"You are absolutely right! Will you please excuse us? We have to rush to the bookstore to get one of those baby name books! Thanks for the reminder."

My daughter and I make our way out of the store. She pauses just before the electric doors swing open. "Mom, what are we going to name the baby?" Ugh. I just don't know.

Naming a baby is much more complicated than it sounds. It's not at all like naming your first puppy or simply remembering what you called your favorite Barbie. Naming a baby is an enormous commitment. What if you get it wrong? A name speaks volumes regarding your identity, your personality, and perhaps even your future career. Have you ever met a Kate that wasn't fun? Isn't Elizabeth always classy? And would you really allow Trenton to operate on you? Your baby-naming mistake can't be easily undone. There is also the danger in assigning your unborn child a name to which she couldn't possibly live up. You might ruin a perfectly bookish, well-mannered Rebecca by saddling her with a sassy name like Vanessa or Lacey. Parenting these days is challenging enough without the added stress of succeeding or failing at the game of naming in utero.