Turn Around and They're Grown by Peggy O'Mara

Issue 107
By Peggy O'Mara

My oldest daughter left today on a jet plane. She’s the first of our family to go to Europe. And, as the first child, she and I have shared many new adventures together. When she was born nearly 27 years ago, I was swept away by my love for her. People had told me about the difficulties of a new baby. Few had whispered of the wonder. I was astounded by the immense love I felt for her, amazed at my utter devotion. It was as if I were in love for the first time; my past life seemed mean-ingless and unimportant in retrospect.

Out of that wonder and astonishment, I wrote an article entitled "In Defense of Motherhood." I was shocked that something as totally delightful as motherhood could have gotten such a bum rap. I knew it had a lot to do with the times and the culture, but at least I wanted to tell other young women what a joy they had in store for them as mothers. I sent the article to Redbook and to New Age, which both rejected it. Finally, it was accepted by Addie Eavenson, founder of the fledgling magazine Mothering.

I had spotted Mothering in an Albuquerque health food store months earlier, and I was so happy that there was a magazine with articles and letters about the things I was interested in as a new parent. I wished I had started the magazine. Soon after Addie offered to publish my article she also accepted the poem "Time Still," and then, several months later, she asked me to be an editor. I could hardly believe my ears. As it turned out, our family was moving to Albuquerque, where Mothering was located, and I began to work for the magazine.

"Began to work for the magazine" is a bit of a euphemism as that "work" consisted mainly of frenetic meetings in which we talked excitedly as we fed and cared for our children. With three children under five, I quickly realized that I couldn’t really work. A year later in 1980, however, when Addie decided to sell Mothering, my husband and I were able to take it on as a home business.

I like others to know what grassroots beginnings Mothering had because this good fortune has made everything else seem more possible. As young parents, we never dreamed we’d have such a fabulous opportunity. We’ve been able to produce a magazine that reflects the real-life experiences and questions of its readers and provides a forum for sharing experiences and for receiving information and support. We’ve learned to be business people, first as a home business when the children were small and then at a small office where staff met weekly while our children were present, either nursing or playing with the other children.

This integrated way of viewing the workplace comes from my absolute conviction that mothers and babies need each other. I feel as strongly today as I did nearly 27 years ago that the inherent integrity of motherhood is something that should be continually honored and celebrated by the culture and that we sell ourselves short as women when we see motherhood as oppressive. It’s customs that make motherhood oppressive, not children.

The following is from "In Defense of Motherhood," first published in Mothering no. 7, Spring 1978:

As a mother, I feel as if I am investing in the character and peace of mind of an individual and that thus I am ultimately investing in the future of civilization. How can I begrudge my children that they go gently through the night, that they need me all of the time for a good many years? To hurry them off to weaning is to reduce the intensity of human emotions that they can experience. It’s as if, in infancy, one’s program is planned, the foundation is laid, and the stage is set. The more supportive, satisfying, and comfortable one’s beginning is, the more one expects of the universe and the more one can become.

There are days and moments when this conviction wavers. I think that maybe I should be allowed to sleep through the night, maybe my husband and I should be able to spend more time together, maybe I really should get more done. I begin to try to enforce my will on the family. And I end up frustrated that things do not turn out my way. I become irritated and short with the family, and we all end up grumpy. After some time, I realize that I am the mother and I set the mood of the house. So I have to stay high. What a responsibility. I have to stay high for everyone. What an honor. As I begin to remember this, I cheer up. I’m nicer to everyone, and all of a sudden the days begin to run smoothly again, and I can’t remember if the kids got better so I feel better or if I feel better so the kids got better.

This balancing act of figuring it out as we go along is what parenting is all about, and it’s this that teaches us to trust our own inherent wisdom. In much the same way, I’ve figured out the magazine as I’ve gone along.

At Mothering we have provided flexibility so that mothers work at home at times, and babies are in the office at times. Children come and go, and we are open to the concerns of mothers at the same time that we have to keep deadlines and maintain boundaries appropriate to a business.

We are concerned about all who work for us, regardless of whether or not they have children. We are investigating what it means to be a family-friendly business, to be a socially conscious business, to be an environmentally friendly business. These are not easy inquiries, but important ones that are ongoing.

How satisfying to realize that something I followed out of love has taken me so far. The explorations of my business are the same ones I engage in with my children as we fashion the ethics of our family, learning to value each family member as an individual.

Sometimes readers will ask how they can make an impact as individual mothers and as advocates for what they hold dear. Start with what’s in front of you. In the early years of family life, it is challenging enough to focus just on the family. It’s all about modeling and living the life you want to see, being the change you want in society. Being a householder is activism in itself.

To create a supportive birth environment, for example, takes tremendous courage and self-confidence. But the baby provides the impetus. The baby gives us courage and self-confidence. Likewise, to ask questions and make informed choices about homebirth, circumcision, prolonged breastfeeding, vaccinations, and so forth requires the willingness to go against the crowd. But the baby makes us want to make wise choices. Such choices as expressing anger honestly in the home and giving up spanking take much effort but can transform us. There is hardly any greater activism than consciously meeting the challenges of mothering.