Seen and Heard: Creating a Child-Friendly Culture

By Wendy Ponte
Issue 96, September/October 1999

On a cold December day, Kerry Jane King took a walk through the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens with her visiting elderly parents and her 13-month-old daughter, Bernice, who was asleep in the stroller. Their planned walk took them to the garden's conservatory, a large complex that houses several indoor gardens and a cafe, the only eatery within a 20-minute radius. They would have some lunch and take a break from the cold air.

"No strollers are allowed inside," said the security guard at the entrance, looking bored.

King explained that Bernice was napping and asked to speak to a supervisor, but, in the end, she and her parents were forced to take turns waiting outside with the baby while the others had lunch. The supervisor would not even allow them to wait just inside the door, where it was warm. Also, they were told if they chose to wake her up and carry her inside, the gardens would not take responsibility for watching the stroller.

Parents expect their lives to become more complex when they have children. When we discuss the possibility of starting a family, joking about the loss of freedom and convenience that is sure to come is de rigueur.

However, few of us are prepared for the often harsh reality of life with children in public situations. Many of us are surprised when we are made to feel our children are not welcome or when we are not allowed to use the tools (such as a stroller) we need to conduct our lives. Sometimes the vehemence with which these restrictions are imposed is very shocking. We worry about how this negativity might affect our children's self-esteem. Sadly, few of us feel we have the right to make a "fuss"; we don't try to change the situations that cause us, and our children, such discomfort.

It often seems to parents as though our country is still operating under the old Victorian cliche "children should be seen and not heard." Sometimes it can seem like even the "seen" part is dubious.

It's Just a Feeling
Parents find the unspoken antipathy with which they, and their children, are often greeted to be particularly difficult to deal with. "Sometimes it's just a look," says mother Jennifer Lee of Wellesley, Massachusetts, "but you know you are not really welcome there."

Michele Mason is a lactation consultant and the mother of three children, ages four, nine, and 11. She clearly remembers boarding a plane with her first infant at the outset of a trip. "The looks I got from the other passengers were shocking," she says. "They did not want to be sitting next to us, and you could see the relief in their eyes as I walked past their aisle."

Once she did find her seat, things weren't much better. The woman sitting next to her made it clear she did not approve of Mason nursing her child on the plane. The one time the baby did actually cry (not bad for a six-hour flight) everyone glared at her. "In general I felt a new awakening about how children are treated in public," reports Mason.

Parents have become so used to feeling the unspoken antipathy with which they and their children are greeted that many are anxious before they've even left their own front doors. Parents know that the expectations many adults seem to have of children's "good" behavior are not necessarily realistic for young children. Children are noisier and less inhibited than adults by nature, not by choice; and it is not always possible or advisable for parents to "control" them.

No Children Allowed Here
In some situations, children are outright prohibited. Prior to the birth of my daughter, Adelaide, my husband and I frequently stayed at a bed and breakfast in Massachusetts when visiting my extended family. This lovely inn, on an old farm, had only two guest rooms, and we had developed something of a rapport with the owners.

When Adelaide was only a few weeks old, we planned a trip to Massachusetts to introduce her to all my cousins. I called the inn to make my reservation and was told, "Sorry, but we just don't allow children here."

This disappointment, mixed with a sense of shame and rejection, during an already difficult time in my life as a new mom was very difficult to deal with. "These are crucial moments in people's lives," says Dr. Joseph Cancelmo, a psychologist and coauthor with Carol Bandini of the newly released book Childcare for Love or Money? "You really mess with people's ability to eke out some family experience of personal enjoyment," he says, "and it's sad."

Breastfeeding in Public
Perhaps the most difficult public situation many mothers face is one they may have to deal with the moment they become a parent. Although there is more acceptance of breastfeeding than there used to be, the situation is far from perfect.

When Julie Triedman's daughter, Olivia, was four months old, she went on an afternoon outing to the Prospect Park Zoo in Brooklyn with her husband and two-year-old son. Olivia began to cry, and Triedman knew it was time to feed her. She left the others, sat down on a bench in a quiet part of the zoo's plaza near the exit stairs, and began to nurse. Just as she was finishing, she saw a guard slowly approach, jingling his key. "You can go inside and do that, you know; this is a public place," he said.

Triedman knew that New York State law was on her side but felt humiliated and angered by the implication that she was doing something wrong. "Every time I return to the zoo and see that guard, I cringe," she says.