Good Enough Parent

Issue 131
By Marybeth Lambe

Chengming bursts out of the schoolyard. Newly arrived from China, she still speaks Chinese and is babbling away in rapid-fire Mandarin at a confused classmate. Suddenly Chengming spots me and her face is suffused in joy. "Mommy!" she screams in happiness. "Mommy Mommy Mommy!" On the last call she has reached me, and her arms swing wide. I sweep her into the sky and we laugh together. How can the world contain our exultation?

On a windy, stormy night, our five youngest are gathered around me, all squeezed onto Mark's and my big bed. The bickering of "Who sits there?" and "Who has more covers?" has finally quieted and, amazingly, we are singing. We begin with "Sweet Baby James" and continue with "Five Speckled Frogs" and "Wheels on the Bus." I pause to listen to their voices, at times soft, at times loud with laughter. My husband catches my eye and we grin at each other.

Who knew? we seem to say to each other. Who knew life held such treasure? I did not know I could have such tenderness, such devotion, such fierce passion for a child, for all our children. I had no idea of the power of the emotions that would sweep through me once I became a parent. Love seems too small a word to frame these feelings.

But parenthood is not made only of such pearls of joy and wonder. Sometimes—many times—parenting is difficult. How many times have I lain awake in bed, exhausted and worn out, yet unable to lose myself in restful dreams as guilt gnawed at me? Sometimes, in tears, I would remember how I was too rushed, too busy to see and feel those moments of love.

As a mother and family-practice physician for more than 20 years, I am often struck by how all of us struggle to meet the impossible ideal of being "perfect" parents. Sometimes, the guilt is so powerful it blinds us to daily joys. Even when we are doing a good job as parents, we are somehow never good enough, and we punish ourselves. If we were perfect parents, why couldn't we have fed her all the right foods? Why didn't we have more patience? Why didn't we toilet-train him sooner—or later? Why did we yell when we should have listened? Why didn't we have smiles on our faces at all times? The litany of self-criticism is endless. How can we free ourselves from the stereotype of the "perfect" parent?

Good-enough parenting is not about being lazy or less interested or less loving parents, but about being more forgiving. It acknowledges that parents, like children, have needs. Each family must find what is important and let the rest slip away. But this is easy to say. How is it actually done?

Jean Brautigam Mills, a family therapist for 25 years, commonly sees such parental anxiety in her practice. "Many times parents fret so much about what is the ‘right and best thing,' they become unable to be emotionally available to model how to be a ‘good, imperfect person.' When so much energy is spent in trying to be the perfect parent, the child picks up these cues that perfection is the goal and imperfection is intolerable." She further notes that "Such implied expectations often manifest in the children, who become overwhelmed in their inability to be ‘perfect.' They come to my office with struggles in low self-esteem and self-confidence."¹

No child on earth needs a perfect mother or father. Children must learn that within the family, sometimes they are first in line, sometimes last, but they are always loved. Even when they are not the center of attention, they are treasured. A child comes to appreciate that his parents still love him, even when they are at work or upstairs folding the laundry. On the other hand, a selfless parent teaches a child that in order to matter, a person must always be pleasing someone else. myths we carry inside ourselves.