Anger Management for Moms

By Elizabeth Bruce
Web Exclusive

It's a dirty little secret. Good mothers get angry. Sometimes they get really angry. Stay-at-home moms do it, working moms do it, all moms do it. Take it from me. I am the mother of four young children, two of them, er, "spirited," so I know a thing or two about maternal anger. Kids will be kids, and as such, they will get into trouble, fight, wreck things, and argue with you. As an adult, it is often hard to sympathize with children's irrational, destructive, messy, or loud behaviors.

Anger does not mean that you don't love your children dearly. In fact, just the opposite is true. If we did not care, we would never get angry. Anger is a natural reaction to reaching your limits. Even the venerable Dr. Spock admitted to screaming "Shut up" to his infant when it would not stop crying in the middle of the night. So why are we so ashamed to admit that we share this very human emotion? Unfortunately, as mothers we set often impossibly high standards for ourselves. It is, in fact, unrealistic to expect to spend our waking hours with children and never get angry. The important thing, it would seem, is how we choose to deal with anger.

Here are some helpful tips I have learned over my eleven years as a very imperfect parent.

Avoid your trigger points
Just like much of modern discipline involves keeping the child out of bothersome situations, so does anger management involve keeping yourself out of potentially explosive situations. If you know that you are likely to lose it every time your child has a certain friend over, invite a calmer friend over instead. If you know that two of your children always fight in the car, seat them as far apart as possible, and maybe offer a distraction. Activities that are supposed to be for the children (i.e., piano, soccer, baseball) often end up driving everyone in the family to distraction. If getting your child to a certain activity is overwhelming, find a good carpool or simply drop the activity for six months to a year. Sometimes it is better to withdraw from an activity than to scream at the kids every week on the way there. Remember, kids need time to unwind with unstructured play more than they need structured activities every moment of the day.

Recently, I stopped taking my three-year-old to a certain bagel bakery because the store next door has Thomas the Tank Engine books in the window. My son would have a major tantrum every time we passed by, so now I go alone while he is at preschool. I know other moms of small children who do all their grocery shopping at night or on Saturdays to avoid taking their kids to the store. You know your own hot spots - just avoid taking the kids there until they're older. Prevention can go a long way towards saving your sanity.

Don't sweat the small stuff
I got this wise advice from my husband's 94-year-old grandmother. Her attitude was, 'if he's not potty-trained by the time he's 30, let his wife worry about it.' Hear, hear! The same goes for weaning, wetting the bed, and other immature behaviors that the child will eventually outgrow. While it can be frustrating, try to remember that he is not doing it on purpose to annoy you; he is just not ready to grow up. It is best to just matter-of-factly change the sheets, breastfeed the toddler, or whatever it takes to maintain the peace. Obviously, certain actions always require swift action, such as running into the street or hurting another child. Anger in these situations is normal, natural, and probably helps the child to understand the gravity of his actions. In contrast, do you really want to get angry every time your child can't decide what to wear? Let's face it, most stuff with kids is small stuff. Before you lose your temper, ask yourself if it is something you can ignore. Once the child stops getting negative attention, he may even stop the annoying behavior.

Think like a teacher
Good teachers know that anger is not an effective way to manage children's behavior. The best teachers have a cool confidence that says, "I am in control." They have clear consequences outlined for misbehavior, which makes the kids less likely to go astray. Children find limits reassuring, which is one reason why teachers have far fewer discipline problems than the average parent does. Of course, a teacher does not have the emotional attachment to your child that you do. This also works to her advantage. As in a classroom, it's a good idea to have a few non-negotiable rules at home. You as the parent can decide what these will be, but it is a good idea to keep your list short. The fewer things there are to fight about, the better.

Emotionally divorce your children
This one is admittedly the hardest advice to follow. When a child is misbehaving, it is tempting to get emotionally entangled with their misbehavior. For instance, because I am the first-born child in my family, I often unrealistically expect more from my oldest child than I do from the younger ones. Sometimes I have to remind myself that he is still a child as well.

My son and I have fought about everything from what pants he should wear to what foods he should pack in his lunch. Then one day, I just decided he was old enough to make his own decisions about what he wears and what he eats. Suddenly, the fighting just stopped! Once it was no longer an issue, he began making better (although not always to my standards) choices.