And the Bible Sayeth, Train up a Child in the Way He Should Go

By Dr. William Sears
Issue 93, March/April 1999

So many religious "experts" now offer inflexible childrearing advice. But can any of us truly know God's will? And which do you trust, your teacher or your heart? A primer on Christian parenting

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." - Isaiah 66:13

Over the past few years, there has been increasing confusion as to what it means to be a "Christian parent," or what is "God's way." Many churches offer advice and even prescriptions for proper, biblical childrearing. If you don't follow these systems, you're told, you will not raise a godly child. But the Bible is surprisingly nonspecific about the day-to-day aspects of parenting. It would be easy if God's word, the Bible, laid out a list of parenting commandments, but it does not. There are no specific references on whether to let a baby cry, how long a mother should breastfeed, or where a baby should sleep.

Still, many well-meaning advisers have taken it upon themselves to presume to know God's intent for parents, producing elaborate programs for parents to follow. Some parents welcome this. Others wonder if their newborns really are benefiting - and whether anyone else can know God's intentions for their family.

As a pediatrician, Christian, and father of eight children, I would like to reassure all worried parents who find themselves asking, "Will I be a good parent? Will I be able to raise a godly child?" God would not give you a child without also giving you the ability and means to raise that child. He would never give you a child with, for example, a temperament that you couldn't handle. This would violate the very concept of "creator." God, as creator, designed within every mother and father the necessary tools to parent each individual child.

The key to compassionate, successful Christian parenting is simply to discover your tools and use them according to the plan that God has for you and your child. This may be a different plan than your neighbor's or anyone else's in your church. That's fine. Just trust in the concept of creator and know that within you He has put the tools to become an expert on your baby.

To show you how to discover your God-given skills - and how devout, concerned Christians can be misled into certain styles of parenting that may not be God's design for their individual child - I wish to use a long parable, the form of teaching that was most common in biblical days. Read it, and ponder it for a while. Afterward you should have a clearer understanding of what it truly means to care for your baby as God would have you do.

THE JOURNEY OF MICHAEL AND SUSAN

Michael and Susan were expecting their first child. Dedicated to being godly parents and raising godly children, they also, like most new parents, weren't sure how to achieve this. So they decided to take a parenting class offered at their church. After the first class, they realized that there were different opinions, especially in their own church, about raising godly children.

Feeling a little confused, they decided to talk over the various childrearing issues with their , Dr. Joan, an experienced mother of three and a devout Christian.

Dr. Joan's advice was simple and clear: "By all means study up on parenting. Read books and attend classes. Learn all you can about babies. But remember, too, that this is your unique baby, and you are his or her parents. You must become an expert on your baby and develop your own method for raising him or her. No one else can create a method for your baby." Michael and Susan nodded in agreement.

Dr. Joan went on, looking stern. "The burning desire to be godly parents makes you vulnerable to all kinds of advice that promises you godly children. But no one can guarantee that. Parenting advice is often a matter of opinion. There is no one way to raise every child. If there were, we would all be clones, children would all have the same temperament, and this would be a dull world. So be discerning. Remember that much of what you will hear in this church-led parenting class is opinion, even if it's presented as fact."

LEARNING TO CONTROL

The next evening Michael and Susan attended a parenting class on the subject of control. The teacher kept a tight rein on the class by not allowing any debate. Almost immediately he announced that God had ordained that parents control their children, responding to them only when the parents choose to. No picking up a baby whenever he or she cries, no comforting that child late at night. Order and schedules would establish the household's proper authority. "Who's in charge," the teacher challenged, "you or the baby?"

A few veteran parents in the class stirred uneasily. "What if you have a fussy baby or one with high needs?" one parent asked. "This sounds like a way of making childraising convenient for parents, in spite of the baby's needs."