older brother having problems

Dear Parent,

The question is not how to stop your child’s expression of pain, but how to stop the pain so he has nothing hurting to express.

It is crucial that you do not say, “no” to your child. The very existence of the baby is one colossal “no” to his whole being. Instead of adding to his self-doubt, help him by saying “yes” to his emotional intent. Stop him from hitting, but validate his feelings. “I see that you want to hit me. Tell me all about it. Do you wish that I would be with you, and without the baby?” Then listen and ask more questions and offer, “Show me on this doll what you want to do.”

Your child was the one in your arms. His life as he knew it came to an abrupt end. Being replaced in your arms by someone else, he feels similar to the way you would feel if your spouse brought another woman. Therefore, the question is not so much what to do when he hits or whines, but how to prevent his need to do so.

A child will only hit if his other attempts to express his feelings have failed to get the needed response. He needs a big “yes” from you. “Yes, I love you no matter who I hold,” “Yes, I want to be with you.” Be with him while holding the baby. Sit down and have him on your other side. The baby needs to be held, but does not need your focussed attention. While holding the baby, you can be with your son, express love, read books and play games. You can even hold him at the same time. In addition, engage him with new activities and maybe a friend, so he can appreciate the benefits of being older.

Make sure the presence of the baby does not ruin your child’s life. He is regressing because he has concluded that being a baby is the way to get your love. If you often say, “I can’t do this for you now because of the baby...” he hears, “The baby is the one she loves. I am not worthy.”  Holding the baby does not prevent you from expressing love and being interested in your son. Drop the kitchen work or other chores, and when the baby is asleep, devote the time to your child. Even when you really cannot respond to his need, show your intent and love, “Yes, I want to hold you too. I can’t wait till the baby goes to sleep (or, daddy comes home). Bring the books you want me to read you and lets be ready so the moment the baby is asleep I can be with you. I love being with you.”

Your child competes with the baby for your attention. Change the dynamics to one in which you and your son are partners, connected by love and enjoying the baby. Give him opportunities to do new things with you that babies cannot do while holding the baby or when the baby is asleep, and express your joy and love in being with him. Parenting is not easy, but when we go beyond our limitations, we grow and find that we can.

Please read my former responses to similar questions on this site:

http://www.mothering.com/parenting/toddler-communication

http://www.mothering.com/sibling-hitting

http://www.mothering.com/parenting/consumed-almost-5-year-old

In addition, please read my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, especially the very last part which answers your question.

Warmly,  Naomi Aldort,  www.AuthenticParent.com