No Mommy Time For Jealous Older Sibling

Dear parent,

Your husband can be very helpful even on weekdays, but he must stay in the same room with you. Babies and toddler develop anxiety about being with daddy, if his presence means losing mommy. You can all be in the same room, with you focused on your older daughter.

In addition, make sure to tell your daughter how holding the baby doesn’t change your love for her: “While I hold the baby, I love you.” If she complains, you can validate with the focus on wanting to be with her, “I know you prefer that the baby wasn’t here. What would you like to do about it?” She will share some fantasy you can listen to and let her act it out if she is inclined to. Or, you can say, “If we put her with daddy in the other room, she will disturb us even more. I want to be with you without disturbance.” Or, even better, “I want to be with you without disturbance. Do you think she will stay with daddy downstairs and not bother us?”

You can show your child photos and videos of her own baby days letting her know that she got all this attention without an older sibling; all for herself. Keep saying, “That’s how I did it with you. I held you all the time.” At the same time, give her plenty of experiences that show the advantages of being older and acknowledge with words, “I enjoy so much reading books with you (gardening or whatever you do). Babies cannot do that but now that you are all grown we have such good times.”

Make sure to use your toddler’s nap time. “The baby is going to sleep,” say excitedly, “finally we can be together without her wanting anything. If she stays on me she will sleep longer so we have more time together.” When you focus on her, bring this fact to her awareness in loving ways, “Its you and I right now. I love so much being with you.”

In my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, toward the end, there is a guidance on doing jealousy doll therapy. This is useful not only about aggression but any jealousy issues. Give her the doll and say, “Show me how you want to get rid of the baby...” Let her show you. It will give her relief and understanding.

Keep in mind that your child mirrors your attitude about her. If you are anxious about not having one-on-one time with her, she will feel worse. You don’t want to deny her feelings yet you don’t want to pump her drama either. Inspire her with your confidence in her ability, and by engaging her in doing things that babies cannot do that give her new awareness and a sense of accomplishment. 

Warmly, http://authenticparent.com/index.html