Does The Child Needs What He Wants?

Dear parent,

A child needs emotional and physical nurturing. He does not have to get material goods or have life always go his way (although being kind and generous is our basic guideline.) The child needs love, connection, care, closeness, autonomy, food, affection, sleep in secure closeness to parents, breastfeeding, being in arms, a sense of worthiness, a sense of being able and powerful and rooted in himself, trust etc... These needs can always be met without necessarily giving a child whatever he wants.

A child does not “need” candy, toy, be first, have power over others, things, etc. Yet, sometimes material wants may be an expression of an emotional need.

As the child grows older his signals are not any less clear. He needs as much attention as he is asking for. His sense of need may also be shaped by the way we responded to him all along. A child who senses that we are trying to minimize time with him and to get away, will become anxious and more needy of our attention. On the other side of a spectrum, a child who has been accustomed to being constantly entertained by adults, may become unable to generate his own interests and play.

Needs are a matter of context of being, not content. The child needs to feel connected (context of being;) he does not need candy (content.) Give love and the begging for candy will be reduced. The child needs to feel secure when sleeping; sleep with him the whole night, and he won’t be anxiously demanding your attention all evening long. Trust his choice not to go a group activity or school as that is rooted in the primal need for uninterrupted connection with you. However, when he is raging because of wanting something you cannot give him, provide for the need to cry and to feel empowered. He can handle not getting his way when you meet his need for understanding and connection. 

Toys are not a need. But, giving the child a specific toy may support his need for autonomy and creativity. Or, the timing of wanting may be sensitive; if a child asks for something out of insecurity and jealousy after his sister just got a lot of attention and gifts, it may be important at that time to change your initial plan and say, “Yes, I would LOVE to get this for you,” or, “I would LOVE to do this with you now.”

It is always easy to say yes to the actual need, even if the want cannot be satisfied. 

The error most parents make is to think that what the child asks for outwardly, is the expression of the actual need. Or, on the other side of the spectrum, parents worry that making something unavailable will destroy the child’s self-esteem. Yet, often, when the want is disturbing or impossible, what the child is really asking for is love, reassurance in his worth, empowerment and connection.

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com/index.html