Too Much Time with Mom?

Child

Naomi Aldort

Dear Naomi - I recently started parenting the way you suggest from your book as best I can. I had a talk with a close girlfriend. We got on the subject of my 5 yo son and his aggression toward his younger sibling. I told her how I was getting scared for him because he is becoming increasingly violent. She "lovingly" told me that maybe it was best for him to be in a setting where he is away from me - somewhere where he can socialize, feel independent of me and get a sense of himself, and learn some rules. She suggested a preschool or playgroup (away from me). She fears that I'm increasingly isolating myself & the children from other people & the word because of my fears of exposure to bad things. I am with the children 24/7 (rarely away for more than an hour or two at a time), which is fine with me. She is a dear friend; I don't agree with her, yet, could she have a point because I really don't have them around other children of any age except for the few encounters when we are walking the neighborhood, and I haven't found any homeschoolers ages 10-11 to come here and play at this point. Except for my son's aggression and a few other behaviors, I think my children are nice, social people and great to be around. Do they really need to be around others, and is being only with me harmful? Thank you.

Dear Parent,

No, your son does not have to be around others and being with you is not harmful. And yes, having more to do in life other than compete with his sibling for mom’s attention, would be helpful. Being with other people can be good too, but it can be simply playing with your wonderful girl friend. She can be another person in his life.

The cultural drive to solve everything by separating children from mothers is part of an unhealthy trend of detachment. Your friend may be right about what your son may benefit from, but her solution to take him away from you will only make him more jealous and feeling rejected and left out.

To help with your son’s aggression toward his younger sibling, use the doll therapy and other techniques found in the last chapter of my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Make sure to have daily one-one-one time with your son and express your love when alone with him. Getting help can be helpful. Another adult to play with your younger child, will allow you not less, but more time with your five-year-old.

Finding a new focus for him can reduce his need to be equal to his sibling. A new activity can be something to do by himself like riding a bike/scooter, dancing or playing the piano. Or, it can be something that connects him to others. Keep looking for home schooling potential friends to invite over and associate with and consider new activities that can include you but focus on your son. Story time at the library; music lessons; going to the zoo with dad; acting in a show or another new adventure that will give him direction that does not involve competing with his sibling for care and love. He will benefit from experiencing that being older is an advantage, but not by being taken away from mom on a daily basis.

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Too Much Time with Mom?

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