"Mine, Me, Mine"

Dear parent,

The child learns to value possession and ownership from his human environment. In that sense you can say that it is cultural. It is what he observes both at home and in the community. In addition, it is the result of a sense of scarcity that comes from growing up in the nuclear family where there are not enough adults to fully care for each child. Another cause is being with other toddlers instead of with socially competent adults.

When being with peers at young ages, a child may develop competitiveness and a sense of scarcity. Young children don’t have the tools for being with each other communally or for sharing. 

Your child is growing up in a very materialistic society.  We sing long contracts to attest to owning homes, cars and some of our gadgets. We have alarms when someone touches some of "our" things and we pay money for things to make them “ours.”

Still, this yearning to own things is not a necessity; I have seen many little ones grow up without this phase, including my children. You can, not only soften but largely skip this phase in the young child’s experience by following these directions:

1) Model communal sharing in your home and family life.

2) Avoid language that stresses the value of possession, like, "This is not

yours," or, "We can't touch it, it belongs to uncle Jim,” or, in a store, “These toys are not yours.” Saying, “This toy is yours,” is not necessary either. It is a toy to play with.

3) Avoid taking your child shopping, or to homes where you have to instruct to stay away from things because, "They are not yours," or they are "Grandma's." The reason not to touch something can be expressed differently, like, “I know how much you love to hold this doll and now we are leaving, and the doll is staying here.” 

4) Avoid peer play. Toddlers have no skills to teach each other; when put together they end up learning the failing skills of relating including the anxious need to own things. Toddlers should socialize with parents and loving adults who are generous and socially competent. 

Observe yourself carefully and notice any time you are modeling and speaking in ways that intensify the value of owning. Notice the actions you take that make “me” and “my” seem very important. Notice the situations that bring up possessiveness and simply avoid those when possible. Then, to whatever degree your child strives to own, flow with it and don’t make a big deal. Respect him and realize that what he already learned is here to stay and will change with time and with new experiences.

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com/