Mamma Time Alone

Dear parent,

The reason a toddler wants only mamma is because he needs her. This is the only absolute need. Your need to be alone is negotiable, your toddler’s need for you is not.

However, I think there is a way to take time for yourself. It may have to be in the presence of your toddler, but without having to be be focused on him. When your husband tries to engage your toddler away from you, the child learns that being with daddy means losing mommy. That is too scary for him. You must respond to his real need for your presence.

I suggest that you start including your husband without leaving. Start by keeping your toddler in your arms, and his daddy joins you for fun time. Once your toddler experiences repeatedly that daddy can be present and mamma stays, he will, of his own, want to be with daddy. When he does; do not leave. Do not leave the room and do not move even a few feet. Stay close. He will realize that being with daddy is not a loss of mommy. He will come back to you quickly to reassure himself that you won’t leave. Let him succeed. Stay and be available.

Once your toddler knows for sure that he is not losing you when being with daddy, he will play with daddy for more and more minutes. Stay close but start using your time for yourself. Create your “aloneness” internally; read, meditate, daydream, or close your eyes in the sun for a few minutes. Gradually you will get more time.

Eventually your toddler will grow in confidence and connection to his daddy and one day you will be able to go for a half hour walk or take a bath. When that happens, don’t stretch it beyond his ability. Don’t go far. Be in the other room, or walk down the block. If your toddler experiences stress waiting for you, his anxiety will start all over. Build his confidence in your presence by staying close and moving away for only short durations.

Return before he needs you.

In general, toddlers are not ready to be without their mothers. Therefore, while building a secure bond with his father, work also on yourself and learn to achieve an emotional “break” without being physically “alone.” In addition, learn to take breaks all through the day as they are offered to you. Focus on yourself when your baby takes a nap, or when he is busy by himself a few minutes with the running water or with a toy. Take a couple of minutes here and a couple of minutes there. Learn to give yourself breaks when they are handed to you by surprise. As parents, we must adopt to less ceremony and more spontaneity. It is not often going to be our way. It will be the way it is. We will feel nourished when we can relax into the flow of it all.

Warmly, http://authenticparent.com/