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Jennifer Margulis

Mothering Outside the Lines

Saying Goodbye: my last post on mothering.com

April 8th, 2011

My mother-in-law Susan was nine years old when her mom died. Ten years later her older sister, who had five children, choked on a piece of steak at a restaurant and also died. Susan never had a chance to say goodbye.

Maybe because of those sad experiences, my mother-in-law is always careful to make goodbyes—even if you’re just going away for a few hours—special.

My husband does too: No one, not even the I’m-Miss-Independent 11-year-old, leaves without a hug and a kiss and an I love you.

This is my last post for mothering.com.

My first post was published on my son’s birthday, October 26, 2009, when I was enormously pregnant with my now 17-month-old daughter.

Since then, I’ve written 276 posts, garnered 3,658 comments, and tackled subjects ranging from broccoli to testing for Down syndrome to rainy day activities in Northern California.

Most commented on post: when a Delta stewardess called armed police officers to escort a breastfeeding mama off the plane.

Most controversial post: they’ve been taken down by request of editors and/or angry readers.

Most read posts: the 4-part series on our baby’s birth (I think. I’m actually not techno-savvy enough to know this for sure.)

Percentage of time I’ve enjoyed blogging: 99.99.

Best thing of all: the smart, insightful, and interesting comments from readers (I especially appreciate comments that disagree with me but do so in a respectful and intelligent way.)

Thank you all for helping me make Mothering Outside the Lines an interesting, dynamic, and informative place to advocate for babies, parents, cloth diapering, breast feeding, healthy eating, EC’ing, empowered birth, responsible medicine, gentle parenting, happy parenting, and more.

If you want to stay in touch, you can:

Follow me on Twitter (@JenniferMarguli no “S”),
Friend me on Facebook (which I use as a professional medium), and
Check back at my writerly Website www.jennifermargulis.net (where I have an often neglected blog) to see where I’m off to next.

You can also read my articles forthcoming in O magazine, More magazine, the Jefferson Monthly, and elsewhere. The book I’m working on, The Business of Baby: How Corporations and Private Interests Skew the Way we Parent, is slated for publication by Scribner in 2013.

Thanks for reading.

I’ll miss you!

Hug. Kiss. And an I Love You,
Jennifer

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[ 30 comments ]

How to be a Happier Mom: Q & A with Meagan Francis

April 7th, 2011

MeaganTurtleI’ve known Meagan Francis for more seven years. We’ve been writerly colleagues, cyber friends, and in real life conference companies. We’ve also had pregnancy scares at the same time (only, her test was positive–tee hee). Meagan’s not only a prolific, hard-working, and incredible writer, she’s also an amazing mom. She’s about a thousand years younger than I am and she has way more children: four boys and a girl. Her children are ages 13, 11, 7, 5, and 2. And she’s not going out of her mind! In fact, as I mentioned in yesterday’s post, her latest book, which is hot off the presses, is called THE HAPPIEST MOM. I asked Meagan to share some of her best secrets on how to celebrate motherhood and be a happy mom.

JM: Sometimes I beat myself up about my parenting abilities because I tend to lose my temper, especially with my seven year old who has been going through a trying stage lately (think: constant whining interspersed with belligerence … over things like the quantity of butter on the morning toast.) Does being a happy mom mean you never yell at your children?

MF: I wish! No, being a happy mom doesn’t make you a perfect mom. I still yell, I still gripe, I still overreact sometimes. I think what’s changed the most about me as I’ve gone down this journey toward being a more intentionally happy mom is that I can now break out of the anger sooner. I recognize what’s happening when I start to overreact, and can stop myself and redirect my feelings a lot faster than I used to. And because I decided that I value family peace and love over being “right” I’m so much quicker with an apology and a hug than I used to be. I still screw up every day, but I feel less defined by my screw-ups, because I am willing to apologize, forgive, move on, and face the rest of the day with optimism rather than digging into that anger and stress and chaos and staying there.

JM: Do you tell a lot of jokes in your house (got any good ones for 11-year-olds? How ’bout 7-year-olds? Toddler jokes?)?

MF: Actually, I am a horrible joke teller. I can tell really funny real-life stories, but as far as memorized jokes go? My repertoire has maybe five jokes and I am sorry to say they are all dirty, except for the one about the pig with three legs…stop me if you’re heard this one…

My five-year-old tells a lot of knock-knock jokes, which are hilarious because the punchlines he comes up with make no sense at all.

JM: Is your book part of a trend to celebrate motherhood? There was a rash of books that appeared at the same time about the dark side of motherhood. It was almost cool to complain about how much motherhood made you miserable. Have we emerged from those dark ages?

MF: Gosh, I hope so. I think the early days of the Internet were almost intoxicating: Finally, I can admit that my kids make me nuts sometimes and I think Mommy and Me is totally boring! But after a while the stories we were all telling swung so far toward the complainy side that people almost looked at you suspiciously if you claimed you were happy to be a mother. I’m not going to suggest motherhood isn’t a lot of hard work and doesn’t have its drawbacks, but moms can be happy, and can make choices that help us live happier lives.

JM: I get the sense that happy moms aren’t afraid to ask for help. What are some of the ways that you get help? And how have you learned to be able to ask for it?

MF: This is vital. When I was a newer mom I had this “every woman for herself” mentality and thought it would look like I was admitting weakness or incompetence if I asked for help with my children or anything else. As time has gone by I’ve learned that asking others for help actually does them a favor, because now they know they can ask YOU for help, too! And our kids really benefit from being part of a larger “village” that can love and care for and watch out for them as they grow. I’ve still got an independent streak, but I now have a much easier time asking my mother-in-law to babysit, asking a neighbor to watch my kids in the yard for a minute while I run in to answer the phone, or asking my husband to run out to the grocery store just because I’ve had a hard day and don’t feel like it. Helping each other out makes the world a better (and happier) place for everyone.

JM: What do you think the most important take-away message is from your book?

MF: Be yourself. Honestly, I think if you are true to your own personality and values, it makes motherhood so much easier. Of course you can let motherhood shape and change you for the better (for instance, I learned the importance of some gentle structure after having children—before kids I fancied myself as a completely free spirit, which doesn’t work as well when you’re trying to meet deadlines and take good care of multiple children!). But I have tried to make changes that make sense for me and my personality. For example, I use very simple organizing systems because I know that’s what works for me.

But overall, I try to hold on to what’s important to me, not necessarily anyone else. I value creativity, innovation, and self-sufficiency highly. Another mom might value academic success or tradition more highly. That doesn’t make her right and me wrong or vice versa—but if we are both true to ourselves, we will be better, happier moms than if we tried to change our deepest values.

HappiesMomCoverWant to know more about Meagan? She blogs at www.thehappiestmom.com and you can follow her on Twitter at @meaganfrancis

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[ 7 comments ]

Easy Ways to Green Your Life

April 6th, 2011

HappiesMomCover“Happy. Mother. You can really use both words in the same sentence” is the tag line to Meagan Francis’s popular blog, The Happiest Mom. Now this Michigan-based mom of five has a book out by the same title, The Happiest Mom: 10 Secrets to Enjoying Motherhood. As part of a cyberspace book tour, Meagan is visiting Mothering Outside the Lines this week. Though I haven’t finished her book yet, I’ve enjoyed what I read so far (full disclosure: the publisher sent me a review copy) and I’m delighted to have her here! Today she writes a guest post about finding easy ways to live a greener life (Holly, this one’s for you). Tomorrow she’ll be answering questions about happiness and motherhood.

Greening Your Life the Easy Way
By Meagan Francis

With every other product now touting itself as eco-friendly, it’s easy to get lulled into the idea that if you just spend enough money, you can magically create a safe, nontoxic little bubble for your family. Then you consider all the questionable chemicals out there, and wonder if you should instead consider moving to an off-the-grid farm in the middle of nowhere.

My first secret to being a happier mom is “Take The Easy Way Out,” which may seem impossible when you’re talking about living a greener life. But my philosophy is that changes are a lot more likely to stick when you make them gradually and give them time to become habits, rather than expecting your family to change overnight.

And honestly? Living green doesn’t have to be as complicated as marketers would have us believe. The truth is that there are a lot of quick, easy, and cheap things you can do at home to live a greener lifestyle. In fact, living green should save you money, not the other way around.

Here’s how you can make your days a little greener—without breaking the bank or stressing yourself out:

1. Keep it simple. Sure, you could follow an elaborate recipe for homemade cleaning supplies…or you could just mix up some white vinegar and water in a spray bottle and call it a day (vinegar is a great, versatile cleaner, and it’s cheap.) You could search all over three counties for a special granola bar made with all organic oats and no artificial ingredients….or you could slice up an apple for your child’s snack. Living green doesn’t have to make your life more complicated!

2. Less is more. There are stores full of natural, “eco-friendly” toys, clothes, household goods, and so on. You could spend hundreds of dollars in them to “be green”…or you could just buy less stuff and have a less cluttered, cleaner, greener home. You can also try second-hand stores, Craigslist, or Freecycle first. Buying things used is usually both cheaper and more eco-friendly than buying the “green” version new.

3. Do one thing at a time. Don’t overwhelm yourself or your family by trying to completely change your lifestyle in a day. Instead, add new practices in one at a time—you’ll be surprised how quickly they become habit and don’t seem to take more time at all. Maybe you’ll start recycling, using canvas grocery bags (and actually remembering to bring them to the store), or using cloth napkins and cleaning rags rather than paper towels. None of those changes require much more energy, but they do require time and repetition to sink in and become habit.

4. Make small changes. Driving less is good for the environment (and moving more is great for your health!) but it may not be realistic to give up the car entirely–especially if you live miles from the nearest grocery store. What are some small ways you can cut back on your gas consumption? Maybe your child can walk to school or take the bus rather than being driven. Or maybe you can combine your shopping trips into one day so you don’t have to drive as often. Almost any big change you want to make can be broken down into smaller, more manageable changes that you can incorporate one at a time.

5. Decide what’s important to you. Nobody can do everything—and that goes for the eco-mama at preschool who swears she never gives her children processed food, supports her entire family year-round via the organic garden in her backyard, and bicycles to the food co-op even when it’s 20 degrees and there are two feet of snow on the ground, too. We live in a complicated world, and we all have to choose the things that are most important to us. Maybe you feel strongly about keeping chemicals out of your home. Maybe you want to support local farmers. Maybe you’re big on reducing waste by buying second-hand, using things until they wear out, and recycling religiously. Even small changes add up, so prioritize those things that are most important to you and that will help you make choices when buying, fixing, or tossing.

We all have great intentions, but life with children can be overwhelming! Do what you can, make changes you feel good about, and don’t let other people make you feel bad because you haven’t completely overhauled the medicine cabinet and cleaning supplies in a week. Changes you make slowly and simply will stick around a lot longer…and the more you enjoy the shift, the happier and more confident you’ll be.

Meagan with her five children!

Meagan with her five children!

Meagan is one happy, and peaceful, mama!

Meagan is one happy, and peaceful, mama!

Readers, does this advice resonate with you? What kind of small changes have you made to eco-fy your life without railroading your sanity? Have these changes made you a happier parent?

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[ 9 comments ]

America’s C-Section Rates Out of Control, but ACOG Refuses to Take Action

April 6th, 2011

You may have noticed the press release with the winking ACOG eyeball can no longer be found on this Website.

As reported by Babble.com, the press release first appeared on CNN.com’s iReport but was pulled after it was discovered to be a prank.

As this post from another Babble.com blogger indicates, the subject of the press release–America’s skyrocketing C-section rate which is in violation of women’s fundamental rights–is anything but funny.

As the press release circulated via email and Twitter, bloggers have been writing about it:

*the Deranged Housewife “It’s clear to me that when it comes to the birthing choices of women, ACOG doesn’t really give a crap.”
*C-section Recovery Kit blog, and
*Owning Pink.

Yes, the press release was a prank.

I know because I wrote it.

Is it really a surprise that ACOG didn’t suddenly decide to advocate that women have their babies in the safest way possible?

Here’s how the real press release should have read:

For Immediate Release: ACCORDING TO BIRTH ADVOCATE JENNIFER MARGULIS, PH.D., ACOG HAS NO PLANS TO STOP ELECTIVE C-SECTIONS

The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) has made no announcement that it is devising a comprehensive plan to lower C-section rates in the United States. Instead, Greg Phillips, Associate Director, Office of Communications, The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, has said that the April 1 press release indicating the organization would be spearheading a campaign to end elective C-sections “did not come from us and is clearly an April Fool’s joke.”

C-sections in the U.S. have gone up 700% since they were first measured in 1965, when the C-section rate was only 4.5 percent.

The nation’s C-section rate has been rising steadily for the last eleven years. It’s now over 31 percent. This is a deplorable situation that harms women and their newborns, but one that ACOG has continually downplayed or ignored.

Advertising itself as an organization that advocates for quality healthcare for women, ACOG has no plans to ask obstetricians to halt elective C-sections.

Though many birth advocates, obstetricians, gynecologists, nurse practitioners, midwives, and women’s rights advocates believe that C-sections should only be a last resort and should never be performed for the convenience of the doctor or for financial or liability reasons, C-sections are routinely done in this country when there is no medical necessity for them, often for the convenience of doctors or for fear of lawsuits.

Though the use of electronic fetal monitoring has been shown to increase unnecessary C-section rate without any proven benefit to the mother or infant, ACOG also has no plans to call on American hospitals to stop the routine use of electronic monitoring during labor.

ACOG has no new guidelines to encourage women to have freedom of movement during labor, labor standing up or squatting, and to eat and drink at will. In fact, given the organization’s repeated negative stance on out-of-hospital births, it can be inferred that ACOG actively opposes freedom of movement during labor.

Cesarean can save lives. But doctors and consumers have to remember that this is major surgery that carries major risk. Some examples: 29-year-old Abbie Dorn, suffered severe hemorrhaging and brain damage after her uterus was nicked during a Cesarean section at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center (2006), 32-year-old Diane Rizk McCabe died following complications from a Caesarean section at Albany Medical Center Hospital (2007), and Karen Vasques, 27, died during a C-section at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center (2008).

Maternal mortality has risen every year in the United States for the past 25 years, while over the same period the rate of C-sections has gone up 33 percent.

The skyrocketing rate of C-section in America has had devastating consequences but ACOG, the most highly respected organization of obstetricians and gynecologists in the United States, refuses to lead the fight to stop it.

Many people took offense at the original satire that I wrote to highlight how serious the problem is.

I had no intention of duping or disappointing those who really are leading the fight to stop a systemic problem in our medical system that has spiraled out of control.

I know that OBs who do not rush to C-section breech births, twins, and women who have had prior cesareans are often under tremendous pressure from the hospitals where they work, and from their colleagues, to do more surgery. There are many wonderful OBs who do not overuse the C-section operation, and they, too, advocate returning to a healthier balance and letting a woman’s body do what it evolved to do.

My dear friend who is having a baby on Friday via C-section was told by her OB that he forbids trial of labor. She is young and healthy. She has big bones and wide hips. But since she had an unnecessary C-section in her twenties, her doctor will not allow her to go into labor naturally.

A new mom recently posted her birth experience on a baby message board. Unfortunately, the only atypical aspect of her experience is that the doctor pretended to allow her to try for a VBAC. Here’s part of her story:

“After switching doctors several times during the course of my pregnancy, at the time I delivered I was under the care of an OB & Midwives group. I was told that I was a good candidate for VBAC, was offered water birth if things went well, and believed that I was in the best possible circumstances to avoid surgery & any un-needed medical intervention.

I arrived at the hospital dialated to 4. An hour & a half later, my water had broken on its own and I was dialated to 6.

Since I was laboring on a birthing ball, the midwife wasn’t confident about the fetal heartrate monitor, it was showing decels, so I was asked to consent to an internal monitor (screws into the baby’s scalp during labor). I refused the first time I was asked, then consented the second time. I consented because I thought my husband was beginning to panic and hoped that it would ease his stress. When I consented to it, I looked at my husband & said “That is medical intervention #1.”

Before the monitor was even plugged in, we were told that we were going to be moved to the OR “just in case” while being monitored more closely. The midwife had called an OB to consult & we expected to meet him in the OR.

On the way to the OR, my husband was sent to a dressing area to change into scrubs & I was sent straight into the OR. My husband & I were separated.

As soon as I reached the OR, the staff began prepping me for surgery. I stated that I did NOT want a c-section. I demanded to see my husband and stated that IF I was to receive a c-section my DH & I would make that decision together. I was told that my husband was on his way. I was also told that my baby needed more oxygen & I was told to breathe deeply in a new mask because it had a better seal on my face (the oxygen I was breathing before was thru a smaller mask).

The new mask wasn’t oxygen, I was gassed against my will.

I am unaware of what was done to me from the time I was gassed up until I awoke in recovery. I am assuming that I only had a C-section. Any further details have not been shared with me.

When my husband exited the dressing area & went to go to the OR, he was told that he couldn’t go in because I was already being anesthetized for surgery. He was not asked to consent on my behalf. He was not told that I had refused consent. He was not told that I had requested his presence. He was not told WHY I was having surgery.

I found out that my son had been born, and that I had been operated on, when I woke up in recovery. No medical professional came to me and spoke to me about my surgery. I have never been told WHY I required a c-section. I only know the name of the delivering physician because it’s on my son’s birth certificate. I never met him. He never came to talk to me before or after surgery. I also never saw the midwife again after I was wheeled into the OR…

I’m having an extremely hard time coming to grips with having been lied to and operated on against my will. I love my son, but I did not give birth to him. I was not present at his birth. That moment in my life has been taken from me … I don’t know if I’ll ever again be capable of trusting a medical professional to respect me as a whole person, instead of just a slab of meat ready for their whim. I thought that it was required of medical professionals to obtain informed consent whenever possible prior to performing surgery.”

Can we agree that what’s really cruel are experiences like these, not my April Fools joke?

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[ 11 comments ]






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Help me battle the green eyed monster posted by greenmom4, Fri, 25 Nov 2011 14:38:01 +0000
need to know im not the only one :-( posted by totallyhadenuff, Thu, 24 Nov 2011 08:05:23 +0000
Made A Change And DH Is Loving The "New" Me posted by IwannaBanRN, Thu, 17 Nov 2011 11:59:54 +0000
addicted to MDC - support thread posted by kathymuggle, Sat, 12 Nov 2011 22:44:51 +0000
How do you handle criticism? posted by Snapdragon, Wed, 09 Nov 2011 03:04:45 +0000

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