Intense Tantrums and Meltdowns

Dear parent,

Please read the answers that are already on the Mothering site about this subject:

http://mothering.com/handling-screaming

http://mothering.com/handling-tantrums

http://mothering.com/parenting/question-about-subject-angry-child

http://mothering.com/parenting/power-struggles

http://mothering.com/parenting/tantrums-or-crying

I will repeat here briefly: A child’s emotional response to life is the result of what we teach her with our actions. Instead of talking about how to respond to her tantrums, I suggest that you think about how to prevent them. Your child has a good reason for her meltdowns. Find the cause so you can eliminate it. 

There are too general possible causes and many variations in between: You are either controlling your daughter to the point that she feels desperately helpless. Or, you have taught her that she cannot handle not getting her way. The second possibility happens when you model getting upset when you don’t get your way, and/or you rescue the child from unwanted situations. She learns that not getting her way is the “end of the world” and that she can’t handle it.

I cannot know which of these are the cause of your daughter’s meltdowns. If she feels helpless and needing autonomy, I suggest that you examine the causes and be more considerate of her preferences. Transitions are often imposed on the child with no regard for her preferences. Children don’t like to interrupt their play in order to accompany adults on their shopping trips, or even, in order to go to a play-group designed by adults. Model your willingness to flow with change, including changing plans to accommodate your child’s preferences in the moment. 

If you have been catering to every wish as though your child cannot handle not getting her way, then I suggest that you start modeling happiness when things don’t go your way. Model joy when plans are changed or you are interrupted from focused work. Let your child interrupt you while you talk to someone, as a model for such flexibility. Let her see with her own eyes that life is fine when it doesn’t go as planned. Let her see you flowing happily through changes, including her changes.

When life cannot cater to your daughter’s wishes, let her express herself fully while you listen, validate and stay connected. Once she is clear that her crying is her own emotional expression and not a way to get something, she will cry only until she regains a sense of joy. Read the section on tantrums in my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. You can also book a phone session with me for further guidance.

Warmly, http://authenticparent.com/index.html