Husband Teasing Children

Family Life

Naomi Aldort

Dear Naomi - I have children (ages 5 & 6). I do not agree with "teasing" people; however, I find my husband doing this with our children, and I'm not sure of the emotional results. He will point out something about them & tease them about it. For example: they will say something "cute" or "funny" & he will ask them to repeat it, so that he can hear it over & over again & laugh. Or, he will say, "You look like you have a bird's nest in your hair." If they haven't brushed their hair. Or, he tells them they look like so & so - which I always reply, "He looks like himself," because I don't want them to think that being someone else is a good thing. I can tell they sometimes are bothered by it, but I don't know what to do. Am I just being too concerned & over protective, or will this teach them to be strong agains peer teasing? Also, he will talk about others (their looks, etc) in a negative way in front of the children.

Dear Parent,

Did you ever talk to husband about your concerns? I am not suggesting that he can change, or that you should try to change him, but it would be helpful to the children to see someone standing up for them, recognizing their feelings and acknowledging what is confusing to them. Once it is pronounced, they can be empowered to not suffer from it.

I suggest that you share your concern with your husband in private first. Let him know that you will do your best to alleviate the discomfort and empower the children when he speaks in this manner.

Once you communicated your intent, start actually supporting the children every time this happens. So, when he asks a child to repeat her innocent words, you can say to the child, “You don’t have to repeat what you said unless you really want to.” Or, “This is how Daddy has fun, but you should have fun too, so if you don’t like it, you don’t have to say it again. Daddy will love you either way.”

If he teases about “bird’s nest” you can say, “I have a bird’s nest in my hair too, and also under my arms,” (laughter will follow) “And my pants are a snake’s den, and my ear is an ants’ nest...” Lighten things up with humor while showing that you can take it on without being hurt by it. Have fun without pointing any fingers. Your goal is to get the children laughing and not taking their father seriously.

Once your children learn to laugh when their father speaks this way, they will indeed become more powerful in the face of teasing. In addition, speak to them about it. “When daddy says... how are you feeling?” Listen, validate and empower. But if the children request that he stop it, tell them to ask him directly. They may do so when you are present. Or, if they don’t, next time, go ahead and in addition to using humor, say to your husband, “The children don’t enjoy when you tease. Would you be willing to connect with them in kinder ways?”

The most important part is to bringing this subject into the light. Anything, no matter how bad, when spoken about openly, cannot really hurt any more.

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Husband Teasing Children

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