Hard Time Putting Child To Bed

Dear parent,

You have asked three different questions. I will respond to one; the title one about bedtime. I ask that each parents ask only one short question. If you want to discuss siblings issues and behavior, please know that I never recommend time out or any other manipulations. I can help you understand the reason behind your children’s behavior so that they don’t have the need for the behavior. You can sign up for a phone session here: http://authenticparent.com/guidance.html

There is no such a thing as “bedtime.” It is a concept invented by modern society and it is an invention that goes against what is best for the child and it creates undue struggle.

A child is not a package to be “put” anywhere. A child is an autonomous human being just like you. Human beings naturally resist being controlled. They are designed by nature to seek and preserve their own autonomy. A child does not go to bed “for you.”

You cannot “make her” go to bed.”You can’t make another person be or do anything. 

Therefore, children go to sleep with ease and peace when they do so on their own time and of their own free will. Generally, this occurs when the adults go to bed. As long as adults are awake, the child feels they are missing something if they go to sleep. The child knows you are trying to get rid of her for your own convenience. She feels excluded and probably not really tired by her own sense of her body signals. 

Children develop healthy sleep pattern when they respond to their own body signals and their own interpretations of these signals. If you dictate when they sleep, it would be hard for them to learn to recognize tiredness on their own. They don’t get any practice. Instead they learn to be dependent and they lose trust in themselves; “I don’t want to sleep, but I guess I shouldn’t listen to myself but follow external instructions. My inner voice must be wrong.” 

I am sure what you want for your daughters is exactly the opposite; you want them to be self-reliant. You want them to grow up confident in themselves, not fall for peer pressure, media and other forces external to their own inner wisdom.

I have raised three children. I have never in my life “put” any human being to bed, child or adult. I recommend that you let go of this concept that children have to be “put to bed” for the sake of your convenience or for our ideas of what is good for them. Children exist for themselves. They must be in charge of their own bodies.

I recommend that you enjoy the evenings as a family of four with your daughters. I hope you are all sleeping in one bed, as is the need for such young children. (If not, that would be a huge reason for the child not falling asleep, they need to sleep with their parents.) When you and your husband are ready, just say, “Lets go to bed.” The girls will want to be wherever you are. Get ready and go to bed together. Snuggle, sing, laugh, and fall asleep together in peace and joy.

If this advice brings up other questions, I recommend that you sign up for a phone session on my site. It seems, from what you say, that you may be caught in some concept that makes your parenting more difficult than it needs to be. I would love to assist you toward peaceful and simple solutions that take the struggle out of parenting.

Warmly, http://authenticparent.com/index.html