Handling Tantrums and Kicking

Child

Naomi Aldort

Dear Naomi - I am a bit confused in the area of tantrums. When my 3 yo child tantrums, she wants to kick me. I move kicking distance away or move her feet away from me, but I also stay close by so that I can be there for her - this gets her more upset. If she doesn't want me to hold her I wait until she initiates the contact. When she does, she wants me to COME TO HER to pick her up, and then she acts so helpless that she weighs more as I'm trying to pick her up. If I wait for her to come to me (so that she can be empowered to get through this on her own), she will get even more mad & go kick her 6 yo brother which he says is okay with him, which I then tell him that it isn't okay for her to do this, and then he gets mad (because he says it's up to him about his body) & will have a tantrum also. My confusion: going to her to pick her up seems like it would place her in the "victim" role instead of the empowering role. Am I "correct", or do I GO TO HER helpless body? And, am I "correct" in saying this to my son? Thank you for your wisdom

Dear parent,

First: I answer only questions that are under 100 words. I am going to make a short exception but please, one question per person and under 100 words.

If you called me for a phone session I would be talking to you about the reason for the tantrum, and not the way to respond to it. 99% of the time, we, the adults, are causing unnecessary tantrums. So the question is not how to quench the fire, but how not to cause fires.

Your description shows that your daughter and you have a “racket” going on. It is a game of manipulation all the way through and it is a mirror of something you, unknowingly, are causing. With time, it can become a strategy, which will hinder your daughter’s relationship with people. No reason to feel guilty, we are all humans and we learn as we go. The good news: This can be prevented.

Even if the cause is a reality that cannot be changed, your daughter’s reaction shows that you have been “feeding” an emotional trend that you will want to changer.

I would love to assist you via a phone session. You can sign up here: http://authenticparent.com/guidance.html

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Handling Tantrums and Kicking

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