Getting Housework Done

Dear Parent,

The answer is: I didn’t do these things at least not with continuity. I would do bits and pieces when possible, but always dropped my activities when a child needed me. This helped the child be content so they developed self-reliance at ease.

But, I also had more than one child and at some point the children played together for a couple of hours at a time. Still, they interrupted me and I always stopped what I was doing and attended to them.

Most children need company at all times. When you are at home with your daughter, you are the only person she can be with. She is a social being and thrives on human connection. Just like you would never dream of training her out of her hunger for food, I am sure you don’t want to train her out of her social nature. 

At age five, however, your daughter may be able to spend a limited amount of time by herself doing art, playing imaginary games, or other activities of her choice. She can do so for short segments of time, if her need for being with you is fully met and her span of attention not harmed by TV or trickery toys. Your daughter disinterest in being engaged without you maybe her very social nature, but most likely is the result of your way with her and/or her dependency on being entertained. She may sense that you want to get away from her and therefore becomes more needy.

If you do things side by side with your daughter and when she had enough you say, “Why don’t you keep drawing next to me a bit longer, I am almost done...” she learns that being by herself means losing you for longer than she can. Naturally, she will avoid putting herself in this situation by refusing to play without you altogether. 

I suggest that you invite her to play next to you for only a few minutes. While she is next to you keep relating to her, and as soon as she wants to engage you, stop what you are doing and give her attention. This way she won’t be afraid of losing you for longer than she can. You can go back and forth between engaging with her and doing your own things. If you do chores only when she really does not need you, she will stay content and assure that you are there for her. 

In reality, when alone with your child, it is practically impossible to get things done in continuity or at all. My advice is to let go of the chores. No harm happens from a mess or some dust. The harm to the child, however, is very real. And, why make dinner while your child needs you? Does your husband prepares dinner while he is at his job? Your job is parenting. When he comes home, he can be with your daughter so you can prepare dinner, or, he can make dinner. Both of you worked the whole day.

In addition, dinner taste better and is by far healthier when not cooked. I often put some vegetables, cheese or avocado on the table, and cut things directly into the children’s plates. These were our children’s favorite meals. Culturally, our cooked dinners have become a religious ritual. I suggest you lighten up and prioritize your child over ceremony. Eating food without preparation leaves very little to clean and more time to be with your child.

Most children love participating in gardening. It is a perfect side by side activity, but only if you are willing to interrupt and include your child, watch her when she asks you to, and respond to her needs. She doesn’t have to do gardening. She can ride her tricycle or dig in the sand or do whatever she wants. However, again, you cannot expect to have long stretches of your own activities while being the only adult with an only child.

As for hobbies, I believe you have chosen something larger than just a hobby; raising a child. Why not stick with this one with all your heart. If you must have other hobbies, I suggest you do them when your partner is at home, when you hire a mother helper, or when your daughter has other company she enjoys. 

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com/