Rude and Difficult Child

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Naomi Aldort

Dear Naomi...I have a very spirited, strong willed, aggressive, red-headed 4.5 year old. From the beginning my husband and I have been together on how we wanted to raise her and your book has been my parenting Bible. Over the years we have struggled with every stage with her and the good times ebb and flow. With that being said I often struggle so much with her lately and at times feel so guilty for feeling so disconnected and unloving. She often says very hurtful things to us, is disrespectful to all of us, hurts her younger sister or purposefully does things to make us angry. We both feel like she fails to listen and there needs to be some sort of consequence for her actions. (Even though we know this doesn't work but sometimes we resort to threats.) I feel some days like I am going in circles telling her to be respectful, gentle, kind, etc...and to no avail. I stay so calm and positive and then I end up losing it and feel like I have erased all my hard work! I end up ignoring my other children and our life is litterally revolving around her! I am really feeling so lost and unsupported and need to get back on track. I feel sometimes like I am doing more damage parenting her this way than if I just did things like everybody else. Some helpful thoughts or words are much appreciated! Thanks, Katy

Dear Parent,

It looks to me like you have made the common error of confusing freedom with license, and combining it with undue control (when you feel helpless.) I am sorry to learn what a difficult path you are going through with this misconception.

Your child is not rude or disrespectful. Children never are. As I say in the book, there is not such a thing as a bad behaving child. Children are too self-centered to bother with doing something to another.

Your daughter is doing the best she can with her perception of your guidance and in response to you. She is taking care of herself even when she does something to another. She has a very valid and real reason for speaking and doing what she does. Your job is to understand her, not to judge her. Listen carefully, so you can eliminate the cause and relieve her pain and confusion.

You are judging her and telling her to be other than who she is. That hurts. In essence you keep telling her that you don’t love who she is yet you don’t hear her real message so the reason for her behavior is not addressed. This devastates her and leads to jealousy, anger and aggression.

You may feel sad reading these words, but I care and I want to make sure that you see her suffering. A conventional way of parenting will make things worse because your child already doubts her worth and your love for her. Any control will aggravate her feelings and behavior. She needs you to hear and address her emotional needs, and to provide leadership without control.

Listen to her with the intention to understand why she does what she does. She is a wonderful, peaceful and capable person who is screaming for help. She shouldn’t listen to you; you must listen to her so you can help. Read my answer on how to provide leadership: http://www.mothering.com/what-leading-way-2

Obviously, one short answer is not going to give you the skill to shift your ways and heal your daughter. I highly recommend that you start a series of phone sessions with me so I can facilitate your ability to understand your daughter and to offer loving solutions. When the cause is revealed and removed, your amazing daughter will shine with her true being.

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Rude and Difficult Child

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