Expectations: Child Must Have Her Way

Dear parent,

Children learn to want everything their way from us. We teach it by the way we respond to them and by modeling. When you are upset with a child who won’t dress herself, you want it your way.  When you meet needs that they can do on their own, you want your way. When the juice is spilled and you are upset, you want it your way. When your partner didn’t do what he promised and you are angry, you want it your way. This is not a matter of right or wrong, but a matter of what the child is watching every day. 

When we rush to compensate a child who is upset, we teach her that not having what she wants is painful. When we distract her from discomfort we teach the same lesson; it is as though we are saying, “you cannot handle not getting what you want, so you must be distracted from the pain.” When we rush in panic to make the child happy all the time, we teach her that she cannot handle life that is not constantly the way she wants.

I cannot know which of all these examples apply to you. You may find different examples altogether. Whatever your situation, your children learned that things must go their way from you. To change their attitude, change yourself. Stay happy when things don’t go your way. Don’t distract or compensate when you cannot give a child what she wants. And, make sure your children observe you willing to have life go its way, and not your way. Let them see you happy when the rice is burnt, your husband is late or the tire is flat. Let them see you peaceful and appreciative when they don’t live according to your expectations.

When your children want your care even though they can do things on their own, it is because they need it emotionally. Be a generous care giver. It takes less effort to serve than to resist and literally less time to serve than to make children do things they are not ready to do. Their need for mommy’s tender care is real and crucial. If they sense that you are pulling away, they cling to needing it for longer. When they are satisfied, and see you caring for them with joy, they will, on their own timetable, be satisfied and move on.

Let go of having life go your way and your children will become like you. If you need a break, get help from your spouse, relatives, or paid help. Don’t expect your children to give up on their needs for you. When you let go of your expectations and flow with their ways and with whatever happens, you will have much more patience, time and joy and you will seek help if you need it. Be a teacher of being at peace with life.

Warmly, http://authenticparent.com/