Shy Child Won’t Say Hello

Dear parent,

A child is never rude. He is innocently doing the best he can. It is best not to try to coerce him into adult behavior; he will only feel inadequate and shamed. Your child is not yet aware of adults’ codes of behavior. 

It is rude of us to expect a child to meet our adult expectations. You take “hello” for granted, but for someone new to the culture, it is not obvious that one should respond with “hello.” The child is more likely to feel patronized and confused. The adult who speaks to him is usually the rude one. Why is he speaking to him? Did he ask his permission? Does he know him? Would he speak to an adult in the same circumstance? Does he know that the child wants to communicate with him? If not, he is rude indeed. He should respect the child. Most children don’t want to have a phony adult talk with anyone. It is not authentic and not fun for the child. Adults must learn to respect children and not to intrude on them with questions and greetings that invade their privacy and authenticity.

It is wonderful that your child is able to assert himself and in his own silent way, say, “I don’t want to talk to you.” He needs you to be on his side and advocate for him.

Children learn codes of behavior over years of experience, and mostly not from what we tell them (that teaches them to tell others what to say,) but from the way we treat them. If you coerce your child to say things he does not feel, he will learn to coerce others to do things they don’t want to do. In contrast, if you advocate for him, he will learn to respect others, and, over the years, to fit in with the social codes.

One of my children was very shy and never responded to adults’ patronizing talk to him.

I was always on his side. If an adult started talking to him and my child didn’t respond (yes, not even with “hello,”) I would speak to the adult myself and say, “I don’t think he wants to converse with you. If you are looking for company, I can talk with you.” If they patted my child’s head, I would say, “No touching without permission.”

Then, the adult would stop, or, he/she may ask questions about my child. In that case I would turn to my child and ask, “Would you like me to answer this person’s questions about you?” If he said, “No,” that was the end of it. 

When this child became a teenager, he matured and almost all at once had all the manners of adults and the social grace of one who practiced all his childhood. It is best not to push development as it is both harmful and disrespectful.

Children who feel respected learn to respect others. Trying to “encourage” them to be like little adults, so we can look good, is rude and therefore hurtful to them. Instead, teach adults to respect your child and show him that you are his advocate, not theirs; he counts on you to be on his side.

Warmly, http://authenticparent.com/index.html