Misbehaving for Reaction and Attention

Dear parent,

I often hear from parents that the child is doing things, “Just to get attention/reaction.” Parents then dismiss the need for attention and try to get rid of the behavior. Why? What is wrong with needing attention? Why not give it? It is real. Do less house work or fewer phone calls and more of being with your child. The dishes can wait, your child’s spirit cannot. Tell the dishes to wait; not your child.

When a child does not get enough attention in peaceful ways, he will do ANYTHING to get it, somehow. And, when he feels helpless in his attempts, he will try to elicit any kind of reaction so he can be noticed. He is doing the best he can to meet his own emotional needs. Listen to him and provide more connection, care, attention, and one-on-one time. 

Your child’s specific choice of spiting shows that he feels helpless some of the time. He is trying to feel powerful. To alleviate this problem, avoid the causes of helplessness in his life (like not enough attention, having to go places he does not want to go, having to sleep when he doesn’t want to, being told what to say or do...) and, play power games with him every day.

When he spits, play the game: Say playfully and with drama, “Oh no, I am getting all wet,” and run away. When he catches you, pretend to try so hard to get away and yet let him succeed. If you absolutely don’t want to play the game with spitting, catch on to something else he tries to do that opposes you. Does he spread the clean laundry on the floor? Locks the door on you? Runs away from his pajamas? Don’t stop him, but play with him by providing playful opposition until he decides that he had enough.

To play power games effectively, please read the section that explains precisely how to do it in my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves.

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com/index.html