Will He Learn to Sleep Alone?

Dear Parent,

These are four giant questions, each deserving a full article or a workshop. Due to limits of space and time, I will answer your first question only. If you want to address the other related questions, please book yourself a phone session with me: http://naomialdort.com/guidance.html

Does the baby need breathing lessons in uterus? No. He is born and he breathes. No advance learning and not deprivation of need; only ease and fulfillment of the need prepares him for his birth. Premature birth does harm. Similarly, depriving any need harms the baby and child; it delays development because the child feels needy, yearning and never fulfilled. In contrast, meeting the need fully for as long as it is desired, ensures healthy and timely maturation toward independence. 

The baby and child wants to sleep with his mother. This is his independent wish. When you respond to him, he learns to value his own inner wisdom and to rely on himself, “How I feel is right and I should listened to myself.” Listening to oneself is independence. Therefore, honoring your baby’s need to sleep with you is the way to nurture his sense of self-reliance and independence as well as ensuring healthy bonding, safe sleeping and inner peace.

If you take your baby out of your bed, or if you don’t respond when he cries, he not only feels terror and fear for his life, but also learns, “I should not rely on what I feel inside; I should ignore myself and follow others.” Such a thought is the opposite of independence. Therefore, let your baby decide independently where he wants to sleep and his ability to be independent and sleep on his own will be nurtured. It is his primal and basic need. His well being is not up for a vote by anyone.

When? I cannot know. But what is the rush? It sounds like, “When will I get rid of this problem.”

It is not a problem but a loving response. Many societies never sleep alone. What for? Children in western society are taught to seek their own sleeping space and generally enjoy it by different ages from five to thirteen or so. If you set it up to be safe and enjoyable, you will feel sad when the slumber parties are over.

Babies and children can sleep with parents as long as they need. When ready, these children become the most independent because their needs were fully met. They have no sense of anxiety or deprivation associated with sleep and are sound and healthy sleepers. 

The short preview answer to the other questions is that you and your husband must adjust to the new reality of having a child, in many ways and for a long time. Your baby’s needs are not up for a vote by relatives. He counts on you to protect him and stand up for him. 

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com/