9 year old dd and food??

[librarianmama]

Hi. I don’t post very much but I do read and feel like there is really thoughtful advice given on this forum. I have a question about how to talk to my 9 year old daughter (or even if I should bring it up).
It has come to my attention that my daughter seems to be having some issues with food at her elementary school. Another parent at the school has shared with me that a few things have happened in the past couple of weeks and there has been confirmation from another parent, a couple of other kids in the school and the coordinator of the after-school program. I haven’t talked with any of these other adults yet.
Here goes: Apparently my DD has been asking other kids for their food at snack time and lunch. As the story goes she asked another girl for her yogurt, the other girl did not want to share so my DD said she would trade. Then when my DD got the yogurt she wouldn’t trade anything of hers. Second story: My DD took a lollipop out of a different girls Halloween bag at school. Supposedly my daughter begged the after school coordinator not to tell her dad as then she wouldn’t be allowed to go trick or treating. (Her father and I are not together but are co-parents. Our daughter spends about %60 of her time with me). The parent who shared these stories with me also said that my DD often asks her for food when she picks her daughter up. My daughter can be picky about food and has a very big sweet-tooth but I moderate her intake of sugars.
I pack my girl a healthy lunch every day. For example today she had a bagel w/ cream cheese, cucumber slices, strawberries, half an apple, pita chips and a granola bar for snack later in the day. For breakfast she had yogurt, a banana and an egg. It doesn’t seem like she should be hungry. I guess there are 2 issues here. First, how she is manipulating to get what she wants from other students and second if she really needs more/different food in her lunch.
Are there any thoughts on how I can talk to my daughter about this without exacerbating any food issues?
Thanks.

[Alyantavid]

I'd send her with some higher protein foods. She very well could be hungry and those foods may not be sticking with her as long. And if she's hungry and sees someone with something that looks good, she's going to try to get it.

You could obviously talk with her about healthy foods and why you don't allow sugary treats. But I'd also start getting some fats and proteins into that lunch. I know my 7 year old wouldn't last more than a couple hours max after eating that.

[librarianmama]

Thanks for that suggestion of the higher protien foods. I'll start doing that, suggestions??

Do you think I should talk to her about how she is going about getting the other foods? She tells me her lunches are enough...

[LROM]

Since she's 9 years old and very capable of expressing herself, is there any reason you haven't started with simply asking her whether she ever asks other kids for food at school, and if so, why?

If you tell her up front she's not in trouble or anything but you just want to understand her and make sure you're meeting her needs, and if you try to be really calm in your tone, is there any reason she wouldn't tell you what's on her mind and then maybe with that important info you can think more about what you might do in response?

I'm a big believer in starting with the person with the most info about any important situation: in this case, your DD. You can always make other decisions after, but seems like without knowing why she's doing this and what her view of the situation is, you're missing really important info.

And if I were you, I'd also want to talk to her about why she hasn't spoken to me about it. I really hope that my own DD would tell me if she wanted more of something or wasn't getting enough of something. Of course it may be your DD just loves sweets and you (wisely, in my opinion) restrict that. Then it becomes more of a conversation about why you have the rules you have about that, and what your daughter is doing to her health by eating a lot of certain things.

But if it's something else, don't you both want to know how your daughter sees the situation and also why she hasn't spoken to you about it?

[librarianmama]

Hi LROM- I appreciate your response. I haven't had a chance for any discussion with my daughter because this just came to light today on my way into work. She is capable of expressing her feelings but can't always express the reasons for those feelings.

I agree that I need more information and I really want to have an honest, non-confrontational conversation with my DD about it. I will of course let her know she is not in trouble and that I am only trying to understand her needs and help her. I think asking her if she asks other kids for food at school is a good way to open up the lines of communication.

Q

[DanAbimytwomiracle]

IME when you ask a child if they did ____, something they think you will see as "wrong", they will answer no. Even if you said they won't get in trouble.
I would start with saying honestly that another parent told you ___ (one of the scenarios). Then affirm your love for her and how you need to talk things out and work them through, then ask her what's been going on and how she thinks the issue could be solved. All while sitting next to each other on the couch, or something like that. This way she knows you know already and won't be feeling defensive. She might even be relieved to know you know, and that she can talk about it.

[LROM]

Yup, the previous poster makes sense.

Also OP, if your daughter sometimes has trouble expressing the reasons behind her feelings, maybe you can accomplish 2 things at once with this situation by both talking to her about what happened, but if it seems again like she can't express the reasons you can ask her to think about how she feels when she asks kids for food, what she's thinking, etc. Help her to learn how to notice and analyze her own feelings.

If she still can't explain it or seems like she's got no clue, you can ask her to pay attention to the next time she has the urge to do it again and think about what she wants, how she feels when she wants to ask kids for food.

This may all sound like a lot for a 9 yr old, but trust me it's NOT. I've done this with other people's kids starting at 3 or 4 (but in age appropriate terms).

IMHO it's never too early to help kids try to find ways to understand themselves and their feelings, and to seek solutions for situations they are bothered by.

Best of luck OP!

[librarianmama]

So, I opened up the conversation with my DD last night and I think it went very well. It's absolutely true that there was some missing information and we were able to really communicate. It felt great and I do believe that my daughter felt better being able to share.

She did feel very bad about the lollipop but had solved the problem with apologies and replacing the candy. Another girl also took candy from the bag. I mention this not to excuse the behavior but to put it into context a little. The yogurt issue runs a little deeper and I guess my daughter has shared her food with the the other little girl many times and didn't feel like the other girl shared with her. She made a mistake and went back on a deal. She says she made up for it the next day. She agrees though that once a deal is made (trading the yogurt for some of her snack) that she needs to stick with it.

The other mother that shared her concerns with me was getting her information from her daughter and then it came to me. Obviously the story wasn't complete. It seems like the food sharing is more widespread then I thought. I knew their morning snacks were often shared and packed a little more for my DD just for that purpose but I didn't know about sharing lunch. I didn't really think I needed to question my DD's feelings about why she asks to share food when it seems to be what a lot of the girls do.

My girl did admit that she thought she would get in trouble if she told me about the lollipop. We snuggled and I told her how much I love her and will always love her and I just want to help her work through these tough times. Then we fell asleep together. We talked a little more this morning and she said she felt good.

I sent her to school today with a very hearty lunch!!

Thanks for the advise.

Q

[LROM]

Yaaaay a happy ending!!!

[catballou24]

sounds like you handled the situation excellently! congratulations mama...