Daughter Wants To Play Fighting Over Toys

Dear Parent,

You say your daughter is aggressive with children. I therefore speculate that her play with you is a way of unleashing her stressful experience of being with these children. 

Why bring her back to a set up which does not work for her? Address the cause first by eliminating this experience from her life. At this age she is not skillful at playing with children and does not need it. Bring one older child to play with her; ten to twelve-year-old. Young children fail to socialize with peers because non of them have the needed skills. Your daughter learns social skills from competent adults who love her and if she likes children, she can also play with one older, socially mature child.

Once the source of her anxiety is eliminated, your child will gradually heal through play. If you are willing to play the role, play it her way; don’t destroy her healing fantasy. If you do not feel authentic playing the role she wants you to play, tell her so, “I don’t like fighting.” Then ask her about her experience of fighting over toys; “Did someone grab a toy from you?” She may tell you exactly who and when or what she saw other children do to each other. If she is verbal, the telling (repeatedly,) with your neutral listening, will help her release this stress.

Another way to play these therapy games is to do it with dolls. She can have one doll in each hand and you watch as she stages it, or you can have one doll and play together with her. This way you will have an easier time participating. Don’t turn her therapy play into a lesson in kindness. It is her healing process and she needs to unleash the stress rather than repress it. Most crucial is to eliminate the cause. 

Warmly, Naomi Aldort http://AuthenticParent.com