by Danielle LaPorte of WhiteHotTruth.com : Find Danielle on Twitter + Facebook
“When I approach a child, he inspires in me two sentiments; tenderness for what he is, and respect for what he may become.” - Louis Pasteur
How would you feel if, when you first met someone new, they said to you, “Are you going to play shy?” or “Looks like someone’s in a bad mood.” What would you think if, when you needed a good boo-hoo, your friend said, “You’re fine. Don’t cry. Stop it.” And if someone had an issue with you and they let you know about it in front of everyone in the restaurant, how would that go down with you?
Grown-ups say the damnedest things to kids – things we’d never dare say to an adult. Maybe we do it because we can, because that’s what we think powerful parenting looks like; because that’s how we were spoken to as children; because we’re learning.
But that power trip tone, oi…it’s an emotional scrambler for little people. They feel one thing – and God knows, it’s genuine and real and full-bodied for them, and they’re told to feel another way. They’re being expressive, and they get clamped. They haven’t yet created the filters that emotional maturity brings, and they’re peppered with shame. It’s deeply confusing.
It creates a discombobulation that many of us carry far into adulthood as we fumble to “get in touch with our feelings.” Our innate feelings that have been re-wired by authority and status quo. Whether sad, mad, silly, or giggly, having your feelings respected fuels your shine, at every age.When you were a kid, how sparkling, and cool, and loved did you feel when a grownup talked to you as though your feelings and opinions truly mattered? Like you counted. Like you deserved respect just because. Just because.
SIMPLE MINDFUL SUPREME KID RESPECT:
don’t say anything to a child that you wouldn’t say to a grown-up that you adored.
Whether you’re a Mama Bear or a distant Auntie, this basic approach is divine. Be conscious of your power with kids – it’s immense. And feel free n’ mighty to point out the power of supreme kid respect to others. Last week a neighbor at a garage sale said to my boy (who had tucked himself shyly behind my leg when neighbor dude got in his face,) “Well, I guess someone woke up grumpy today.” And I just sweetly replied, “Now now, we wouldn’t call you out on being grumpy, would we?” I smiled that half smile that Mama Bears smile. He got the point….respectfully. And so did my kid.
Word up.
. . . . . . .
Danielle is the creator of WhiteHotTruth.com, a motivational speaker and lead author of Style Statement. She helps entrepreneurs rock their career with her signature Fire Starter Sessions.
Tags: communication, inspiration, parenting
© 2009 Mothering Magazine
WOW.
I just had this same conversation with my mate last weekend. I told him that I was sick of seeing, “Because I Said So Parenting”. My question was, Why would we disrespect our children on a daily basis and then expect them to go out into the world as strong individuals ready to stand up for their own rights and beliefs? If the people who love them most can’t treat them well, they won’t expect it from anyone else.
Thank you for posting this!
~Amy
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Danielle. Great launch of your column and I take your points to heart. I have two nephews and a god-daughter. I adore them all. They seem to be wild about me and the parents have always said, they really like you cause you respect them. You don’t talk down to them. You let them be who they are, and you are interested. I totally vibe with all you are saying. Perhaps there’d be a lot less therapy needed if we all got more understanding and respect during the early years.
Very sweet insights. I try to remember that especially when I am alone with my kids all day long. Would I every speak to my friend this way?
VERY awesome reminder that the golden rule applies to everyone! and kids are us in small packages.
I love this! Thankyou so much xx
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This is so true it should vibrate to the core of every parent (and every person who interacts with a child). We do say things to children that are, when you really think about it, ridiculously mean! We do crazy things too: ie. How would we feel/react if in the middle of an activity we’re enjoying suddenly someone many times our size SCOOPS us up without warning just because it was “time to go!” or they felt we needed to move on to another activity. Kids have to feel baffled (and angry) when they’re playing contently and then BOOM, an adult yanks them away without any provocation or prior word.
Parents/adults are also great creativity squelchers, which is another area we need to just *chill.* (I wrote a post about how there’s no harm in children playing with their food sometimes; who knows, maybe we’d solve some of our crises if WE played with our mashed potatoes!)
What you wrote about not saying anything to a child that you wouldn’t say to an adult you adore is such a wise philosophy. Beautiful. It pains me when I hear parents talk negatively (or sometimes just far too bluntly) about their child *in front of* this sweet, impressionable human. Words are powerful (the Bible says there’s life and death in words, and I believe it!), and we need to be MORE deliberate, cautious, and aware of what we say to young children who are literally still forming mentally, emotionally, socially.
Thanks for a great post! If we’d all just apply what you’ve written, we would elevate our children’s childhoods — and who knows where that would lead!
Danielle – perfectly said. Great reminder about treating our children with the humanly respect they all deserve.
I love this article because it speaks to the very thing that we parents do without noticing. We so often are parenting from that place (as Abraham-Hicks calls it) of not being aligned with source ourselves. So many times what we say will result in resistance from our children who obviously feel something completely different. Once the spirit in us can see that beautiful spirit in them then we can co-create a better atmosphere and resonance with the things we truly want together.
BEAUTIFUL!!! And so true…thank you.
Your boy is blessed to have an advocating, respect-commanding, Mama Bear like you, Danielle. THANK YOU for *squashing* that whole “seen, and not heard” nonsense.
And I don’t even have a kid. But I get this.
thanks for the cheers, everyone. hip hip — respect! hip hip kid’s rock!
xo
Danielle
Thank you for saying that out loud. Always a good reminder. It’s amazing, especially in the part of the world I inhabit, how invalidated feelings are. I find here it’s not only with children, people do it as a whole culture.
Kid respect! Love it! (Seems like a “no duh,” but you sure don’t see many people practicing it. . .
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