Tandem Nursing Problems

Dear tandem nursing mother,

The simplest solution is to actually tandem nurse: Have the baby and your child each on one breast at the same time. It may take a while to find comfortable setups of laying down and sitting, but many mothers nurse at the same time with great joy. The baby and child often look at each other, laugh, touch each other and become beautifully connected.

When the baby naps in your arms, your daughter can sit on your other side and you can cuddle, nurse her, read books, sing or play. Or the baby can sleep in a snugly and you can even go for a walk or play with your daughter. Putting a baby down is done only for adult convenience but is not the best for the baby, or for the older child.

Tandem nursing in the nuclear family is not as easy as it is in the extended family and the tribe, where a child has other boobs to choose from and other people to connect to. In the nuclear family, your are your daughter’s whole world and she sees breastfeeding as her private and secluded connection with you. The presence of the baby is therefor emotionally trying for her. If you refuse her the breast because you breastfeed the baby, she conclude that you don’t love and you prefer the baby. She hears, “Because he is more important, I can’t nurse you now.” This is extremely painful for her.

I therefore suggest that you don’t deny your daughter the breast because of the baby but let them nurse at the same time. Her crying is an expression of real despair and must be taken seriously. She is right. If you absolutely cannot stand breastfeeding both at once, then do some planning so that you don’t have to deny your daughter with the reason being that the baby comes first. This is just too painful for her and her self-doubt can grow into aggression and low self-esteem. 

In the evening you can offer the breast to your daughter saying, “Lets do nanna now, so the baby doesn’t interrupt. He is going to get tired soon.” Ask your husband to hold the baby and engage him while you focus on your daughter. When the baby finally needs you, hopefully your daughter has had plenty of nursing and time with you and is happy to play with daddy. Still you don’t want to say, “We have to stop so I can nurse the baby.” Instead, “I guess we have to take a break. I will put him to sleep as fast as I can, and we will continue. I can’t wait.”

Ideally, however, I suggest that you all go to bed at the same time. You can read some of my response to questions about putting children to bed. I have never put a child to bed. We all went to the same bed at the same time. If you do that, you get your daughter in the middle and the baby on the outside, breastfeeding both of them, laughing, snuggling and gradually drifting off happily.

Warmly, http://authenticparent.com/index.html