Constant Praise From Relatives

Dear parent,

I would start by empowering the children to be less affected by praise. Before the visit you can say, “Oh, you know how grandma says her funny “wow” thing. It doesn’t matter. You should do only what you love to do. It is only for yourself.” Then, when the praise is dished out, you can look at the child, smile, and say, “That’s grandma doing her thing. You do what you really love to do, for you, not for her.” (It is actually good if grandma hears you. This is not about you pleasing her either.)

Then, I would suggest that you get your husband on your side first. If the children don’t get praise from their own father, the relatives will have less of an impact on them. Let your husband read my article, Getting Our of the Way, from Mothering Magazine issue #71, 1994. You can find it on line here: http://www.naomialdort.com/articles3.html

Then have him listen to the CD on praise from my set of CDs, Trusting Our Children, Trusting Ourselves: http://www.naomialdort.com/audio-video.html

If your husband is into science based research, borrow from the library Alfie Kohn’s book, Punished by Rewards, which has a whole chapter on why not to praise. 

If he won’t study the subject, then ask him to trust you and follow your direction.

The man who wants only his wife to learn parenting, is choosing to follow her learned lead.

It sounds to me like you are not asserting yourself with your husband and your relatives.

I would say to your sister, “I know how much you feel true enthusiasm, but this isn’t about you. It is about the children. So, for their sake, I ask that you hold your feelings inside and let the children be.” It is up to you to have relatives who respect your wish. 

I highly recommend that you take some phone sessions with me, to free yourself from seeking approval, so you can assert yourself fully on behalf of your children. You can sign up here: http://www.naomialdort.com/guidance.html

Warmly, http://authenticparent.com/index.html