Constant Crying

Dear parent,

To undo a behavior we teach, we must stop teaching it. Never ignore your child. She always has a valid reason for her behavior or emotional expression. We are always the cause of the way our children behave. If your rice is burning, you don’t think something is wrong with the rice or the stove. In the same way, your child is telling you, through her emotional expression, something real and important. Listen to her. 

I cannot know why your child is crying a lot. She could be unhappy because of unmet needs. In that case, you must consider making her life flow in a way that fully respects her direction. Or, you may have taught her, unknowingly, that crying is the way to get things. If this is the case, make sure she is successful at getting her needs met without crying, and, if she must cry, respond to the crying - not to the demand.

That last sentence, however, never means deprivation. I don’t want you to think that it is allright to deprive or control your child and then hug and validate her feelings. First meet the needs so she has no reason to cry. A child who is happy does not cry unless she is deprived of needs, controlled, hurt or scared. Therefore, I only mean it for times that there is nothing you can do about your child’s need. For example, her banana broke and you don’t have another one; grandma left and she wants to be with her more; the pool is closed so she won’t be able to swim today; she scraped her knee etc. In these situations, respond to the crying by holding, validating and loving.

When we respond to the crying, the child learns that crying is for releasing emotions and not for controlling or changing the course of reality. If you offer distractions or compensations, your teach your child that crying is a tool to get something.

Be generous and non controlling. Say “yes” to your child’s direction and take her needs into account. Respond to crying as self-expression and to needs by providing.

Obviously, there may be other details I cannot know that change the guidance to your question. If this answer is not addressing the specific issues for you, I suggest you book yourself a phone session with me: http://authenticparent.com/guidance.html

Warmly, http://authenticparent.com/index.html