Complaining and Endlessly Talking Child

Dear working mother,

Complaining is the same as baby crying. We don’t get rid of the behavior; we respond to the need he expresses. Your child’s behavior is not “unacceptable” but totally wonderful. He complains because he needs connection with you all day long and he misses you. He accepts your (unacceptable to him) daily hours of absence, and is devoted to make up for it when you are present. How incredible. Some children respond to mother’s absence by giving up. They close up and feel hurt and rejected. You and your child are lucky that he is taking care of himself so wisely and persistently. 

Please read my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, so you can learn to understand why children behave the way they do. There is always a valid reason for a child’s behavior. It is the reason that has to be addressed, not the behavior. 

I do not know how old your son was when you went back to work, but attachment means uninterrupted presence. Your son misses you, and when finally your are there, he tries to make up for lost time. It is like the way we feel when we miss someone we love for many days, and then we get together and talk non stop into the night.

Your child repeats himself because he does not feel heard. As long as you work so much, I suggest that when you come home you devote a couple of uninterrupted hours to being with your child fully, doing nothing else. Satisfy his real and valid need. Validate his complaining without drama and repeat what he says to show that you heard it. Listen, answer questions, cuddle and be interested in his bubbling talk until he is satisfied and ready to move on. (The first few times it may be many hours. Ask your husband to do the food and chores.)

If you are hungry, have some easy raw food to take the edge off and be with your child fully. He is yearning for your full undivided attention. Give it to him to satisfaction and only then proceed to other activities. 

Even when you spend these hours of focused attention on your child, realize that ideally he needs your presence all the hours of the day, so it is short for him. After he told you everything and asked all his questions, and you listened fully and responded, you still want to include him in what you do next. He has more to say. If you prepare food, let him be with you and talk. Listen and respond with interest, love and enthusiasm. 

It is your resistance that makes you angry and impatient. Why “no more questions?” Try, “I love when you ask questions because I love you so much.” And, “I love when you tell me things over and over again.” This is what unconditional love is. 

I hope the changes that you plan will give your child a lot more of his mommy. He needs you and he needs you to love however he is including his talking, and his repeat questions. That’s who to love.

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com/index.html