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Sidebar: 10 Tips for Parents - Understanding your Adolescent's Behavior
The Romance of Risk
By Lynn E. Ponton
Issue 90, September/October 1998
Two things are absolutely clear about adolescents: They are going to take risks; and most of their parents are terrified about this. In 1995, when the Carnegie Institute published its findings on youth and risk, its reports suggested that American youths today are at greater danger because they take more risks and are exposed to even more opportunities for dangerous risks than at any other time in American history. The report called attention to a important and neglected issue, but it also sent a message to the culture that there is something inherently dangerous about being a adolescent. If the dangers to adolescents are inevitable, then there is nothing any of us can do but hold our collective breathe and pray as the children we love and care for approach this treacherous time. But how much of this fear is justified? How dangerous is adolescence? What are the appropriate areas for concern, and what are the commonly held myths and misconceptions?
Our culture has come to believe that adolescence is naturally a tumultuous time and thus has blurred the lines between behavior that is normal and exploratory and behavior that is dangerous. Compounding this myth are others, including the idea that self-injurious behavior is normal rather than pathological; the notion if the "generation gap," whereby parents and teenagers are destined never to understand each other; and the perception of adolescents are fearsome creatures who don't want to be guided. All of these myths compound and validate parent's fears about their adolescent children.
Parents who believe that they just barely survived their own adolescence may be frightened to death that their teenager will not. And no matter how big of a risk-taker a parent was, he or she is scared by the new risk behaviors available to today's teens. Risk behaviors commonly found among adolescents now include: drinking; smoking; reckless driving of sundry motor vehicles; reckless participation in inherently dangerous sports activities such as diving and boating; using an extremely wide variety of legal and illegal drugs; sexual activity without protection from pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases; withdrawal from school; eating behaviors such as harmful dieting, vomiting, or laxative abuse; mutilating the body in various ways, including cutting and piercing; violent activities such as rape, robbery, or murder; suicidal thoughts and behaviors; and placing themselves in positions where they can be victimized, including running away from home.
Moving Away from Myth: Adolescence Is Not Dangerous
Current thinking is beginning to acknowledge that adolescence is a time
of risk-taking that is not solely harmful, and, is fact, that frequent
risk-taking is a normative, healthy developmental behavior for adolescents.
It is during adolescents that young people experiment with many aspects
of life, taking on new challenges, testing out how things fit together,
and using this process to define and shape both their identities and
their knowledge of the world. Adolescence is a time when, quite literally,
young people are learning how to think and how to act. Their increasing
cognitive skills play a significant role as they take risks and learn
to understand and appreciate the consequences of their behavior. In turn,
experimenting with new behaviors and feelings can promote more complex
thinking, increase confidence, and help to develop a young person's ability
to assess and undertake risks in the future. This experimentation greatly
affects adolescents' relationships with parents and other important adults
in their lives. As they struggle to define themselves as separate individuals,
they want to be recognized by adults for the unique people they are and
will become. Their struggle is not all adolescent rebellion, then, but
a much more complicated and fascinating process.
Armed with a number of clinical and epidemiological studies, Dr. Daniel Offer and his colleagues at Northwestern University have undertaken the task of dispelling some of the myths about adolescence, including the myths that normal adolescence is a difficult, stormy time; that puberty is a uniformly negative event for adolescents; and that adolescents are more likely to commit suicide than are children or adults. In contrast, Offer's studies indicate that 80 percent of all adolescents, including urban youth, do not experience turmoil but manage to succeed negotiating the developmental period of adolescence without significant difficulty.
Dr. Charles Irwin, my friend and respected colleague at the University of California's San Francisco Adolescent Medicine Clinic and also a pediatrician who has specialized in adolescent risk-taking, underscores that it's important for both adolescents and adults to distinguish between behaviors that are enhancing to the adolescent and those that represent a significant danger. He notes that the outcome of adolescent risk-taking is always uncertain, and that the consequences may or may not be harmful. Sexual activity provides a perfect example: It can yield genuine pleasure and intimacy, but it may also result in unplanned pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted diseases.
Irwin defines risk-taking among adolescents as: young people who have limited experience engaging in potentially destructive behaviors with or without understanding the consequences of their actions. Recognizing that most risk-taking is a normal, developmentally appropriate part of adolescence has not been easy for professionals or parents, at least in part because the more negative and dangerous risk behaviors and behavior patterns overshadow normal adolescent risk-taking, frightening everyone. And there is a difference, after all, between turbulence and danger.
Getting It Straight: Positive Risk Is a Positive Step
In truth most teens are not at high risk for getting locked into patterns
of unhealthy behavior. And when we assume that all risk-taking is dangerous,
we betray our teenagers. Teens need risks in order to grow; they need
parental support in order to take those risks. If the risk-taking becomes
dangerous, then, of course, parents must act. But when we assume that
all adolescent risk-taking is bad, we fail to recognize both the very
real dangers some risks pose and the tremendous benefits that others
can yield. This understanding requires nothing less than a radical shift
in attitude about risk, about adolescents, and about parenting.
Certainly American youth today have more access to more dangerous activities than did earlier generations, and violence has increased exponentially. But it is because today's parents have many legitimate reasons to be frightened for their children that it is especially important that they work not to be frightened by their children. Rather, parents must work to understand what teens are grappling with.
Risk-taking behavior among adolescents is not random, uncontrollable, or inevitable. And many of the contributing factors to an adolescent's propensity to engage in high-risk behavior are modifiable. Parents need to be aware of how and where they can intervene. Adults and teenagers alike in fact need to be well informed about the risks and about how young people look at these risks. Parents, teachers, and other adults need to develop a comfort level for talking with teenagers about these matters. It's not an easy process, and many shy away from it, but it is an absolutely imperative step in helping young people to develop in healthy ways.
More than any other age group, adolescents are attempting new things for the first time, no longer protected or limited by parents. It's important for adults to remember the positive aspects of risk-taking. Adults also need to be willing to examine their own risk-taking behaviors.
Another part of the story lies in this country's attitude and response to its teenagers. A simple comparison between the number of books addressing the development and behavior of young children and the number focused on adolescent behavior and development tells us that energy and money are not yet invested in teens, who make up 20 percent of the population. Not only have problems in adolescence been neglected because they are viewed as normal, but overall commitment to the age group has been lacking.
Teenagers are not little, they're not cute, and they fight back. Parents routinely tell me that not only do they feel less gratified raising their teenagers than their younger children, but often they feel attacked by their adolescents. Adolescents fight with their parents. This is only natural. Yet parents need to know that they cannot simply throw in the towel when the conflict starts. The fighting is not meant as a personal attack on parents, and parents have to understand this and respond rather than react. This fighting signals a desire for greater independence, yes, but not for total autonomy. Adolescents want to be treated with respect, they want their new maturity to be recognized, and they want to be seen as separate people. But they also don't want to be abandoned by their parents. They need to know they are still cared for and that they can make mistakes. They need to be left alone to make certain choices for themselves, and they need to know that their parents are available to offer opinions when asked. They need to know that they can try new experiences, and they need to know that there are limits, that they are not allowed to do anything and everything they want. They still need to feel the presence of a supportive, guiding adult, one who can accept the changing roles in the family.
In other words, different parenting skills are required to care for adolescents than for younger children, and parents must also operate from a different knowledge base. Being able to change those skills is a special task for parents of adolescents, and it's not easy. After all, learning new skills when you feel like you're under attack is, at best, difficult. But just as we take care of and protect our children when they're small, holding them close and keeping them safe, we must learn how to guide them in adolescence, loosening our hold in order to let them explore the world and themselves in it. This is the challenge that parents face when their children become adolescents.
In learning how to assess risks and make reasonable choices, young people begin to realize just how powerful they can be, how much control over their own lives they do have, and what promise their futures hold. Risk-taking becomes more than romance then; it becomes a vital tool that adolescents can use to shape their lives.
Reprinted with permission from The Romance of Risk: Why Teenagers Do the Things They Do, by Lynn E. Ponton, MD, Basic Books, 1997. The bulk of this book is devoted to fifteen narrative tales of adolescents who struggle with dangerous risk-taking. Based on Dr. Ponton's actual clinical work with adolescents and their parents, these stories offer a compelling look into the processes adolescents go through when making choices about risk-taking, and learning how to assess risks and their consequences.
BOOKS
Clarke, Jean IIIsley, Sara Monser, Gall Nordeman, and Harold Nordeman, eds. Help! For Parents of Teenagers. The Suggestion Circle Series. San Francisco: Harper 8 Row, 1986.
Elkind, David. Parenting Your Teenager. New York: Ballantine Books, 1993.
Erlbach, Arlene. Worth the Risk: True Stories about Risktakers Plus How You Can Be One, Too. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing, Inc. 1998.
Fleming, Don. How to Stop the Battle with Your Teenager. New York: Prentice Hall Press, 1989.
Gilligan, Carol, and Lyn Brown. Meeting at the Crossroads. New York: Ballantine Books, 1993.
Kaster, Laura, and Jennifer Wyatt. The Seven-Year Stretch: How Families Work Together to Grow Through Adolescence. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1997.
Landsman. Julie, ed. From Darkness to Light: Teens Write about How They Triumphed Over Trouble. Minneapolis, MN: Deaconess Press, 1994.
Pedersen, Anne, and Peggy O'Mara, eds. Teens: A Fresh Look. Santa Fe, New Mexico: John Muir Publications, 1991.
Riera, Michael. Uncommon Sense for Parents of Teenagers. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts, 1995.
Riera, Michael. Surviving High School. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts, 1997.
Sandoz, Bobble. Parachutes for Parents. 2nd ed. Honolulu, HI: Family Works Publications, 1995.
Steinberg, Lawrence, and Anne Levine. You and Your Adolescent. New York: Harper Perennial, 1997.
FOR MORE INFORMATION
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry has fact sheets on many topics relevant to adolescents and their parents. AACAP can also provide information about board-certified child and adolescent psychiatrists practicing in your area. Call for additional information: 1-800-333-7636.
Many towns and cities have hotlines for teens and for parents who need help, advice, or just some friendly support. Check your local listings or contact local mental health agencies for referrals.
For more information about teens, see the following articles in past issues of Mothering: "Rave On" (editorial), no. 83; "Getting Dumped by Your Teen: A Survival Guide," no. 77; "Teens, Food, and Body Image," no. 70; "When Sons or Daughters are Gay or Lesbian," no. 69; "Building Bridges to Adulthood," no. 67; "The Importance of Risk" (Good News), no. 65; and "I Have Wanted to Die," no. 45.
Lynn E. Ponton, MD, is a practicing clinical psychiatrist and psychoanalyst and a professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco. She lives in San Francisco, and is the mother of two teenagers.
