Giving Choices

Dear parent,

Giving choices is a disguise for control. When we ask a child “Do you want your green pajamas or red pajamas,” we are controlling. What confuses the child is the pretense of having a choice when he has non. We are forcing him to go to bed. He doesn’t want to go to bed and shouldn’t have to. It is his body and he should decide when to sleep (see my many posts on bedtime.) In contrast, a child cannot decide to go into the lake on his own or run into the street. You must be in charge, taking his limitations into account. He also has no way of choosing if to include TV or sugar in his life. Those have an impact years later, of which he cannot know. He counts on you to protect his environment and exposure.

We can offer real choices that don’t take the child’s freedom away as long as we don’t burden him with power over others, or with issues he cannot fathom. When we respond to the child’s cues, as in, “I am hungry,” we can let him choose freely what he wants to eat, from healthy and wholesome foods we have at home (and not complicate his life by having anything unhealthy.) Taking him in to the store to choose what to buy is clearly premature and overwhelming; he would have to study health and diet, read labels, etc. What he can do and is totally about himself, he should be free to do within a safe and protected environment so he can grow up fit for a democratic society of self-directed people.

The continuum concept is good for a continuum society. Our society is not cyclical. What we do today is not what your child will do tomorrow. He is not growing up to be like his elders. In addition, the modern child is not raised in a tribe but in a nuclear family. The child is born into a society devoted to unique individuals who contribute and participate with the whole by bringing something new to it. The most valued people in our society are inventors, leaders, artists of all kinds and creators of new directions. 

You had no problem following your child when he was a baby. He was autonomous (I assume.) He chose when to nurse, when to sleep, where to sleep... because you responded to his cues. And yes, you made many decisions for your baby because he had no way of knowing they even exist. You don’t have to change anything but follow your child. His command over his life is growing and you can respect him and allow his self-governing while keep managing the larger picture. 

Parents naturally make some decisions. Make choices that allow your child the amount of self-governing he is comfortable with. This is not a matter of “giving choices,” but of responding to the child’s direction by protecting his autonomy and leading the way in the areas he has no awareness of yet.

As your child grows, he can determine more and more of his life and should be able to do so in a protected environment that takes his limitations into account. Watch him and you will see the answer.  

Offer a life that has opportunities he can handle. Make the home so safe that you don’t have to limit or control. Your child cannot handle a toy store; he can handle a pile of blocks that you bring home. He cannot decide if to go on a trip, but while you travel, he can decide to take a break, eat or listen to a CD in the car. He cannot choose what CDs you own. But, when you have CDs of nurturing and sophisticated music, he can choose his favorite track to listen to. Lead the general direction, protect the environment, and then your child can be autonomous.

Warmly, http://authenticparent.com/index.html