Both Children Want to Be Carried

Your children are competing for your holding time. Your three-year-old has figured that this is one area she has a winning power over her brother. She does not need you to cary her so much as she needs to show him her being more important to you than he is.

This is devastating to your son. He cannot understand weight and age differences. All he sees is that you cary her but not him and you have some excuse that makes no sense to him. His only conclusion is that he is not as lovable. He wants a fair share of what seems to him a measure of love.

I suggest that you stop carrying your daughter. Hug each child while sitting. The moment either child wants to be in your arms, sit down and be with that child or with both. Initially, you may find yourself endlessly sitting on the couch. Enjoy. It won’t last.

While sitting with one of both, you can talk about it some of the time, “you think how much I hold you means something; what does it mean to you?” Listen and stay open and honest. 

After a few days, the children will get tired of hugs that don’t include motion and don’t get either one of them more love than the other. You will never refuse either one of them. 

It would be great to make the change on a holiday, or other time that your husband or grandma are present. The other adult will be able to serve, clean, feed the family. Or, he may be able to spend time with one child, so you can be fully with the other one. If that’s not possible, let your husband know that he will have to catch up with house care and food when he arrives home. 

Your goal is to stop one child’s monopoly over being in your arms and disarm the power game in which your daughter wins and your son loses. In addition, tell your son, “While I hug your sister, I love you. While I prepare food, I love you. While I hug you I love you. Where you are does not change my love.”

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com