Child Says Hurtful Words to Mom

Dear parent,

Children express their emotions in clear and dramatic ways. Your daughter is saying, “Mom, this feels so terribly painful to me, that I can’t bear to be with you...”  (which is what you say you are feeling towards her after she spoke up, so you and your daughter are the same.)

Listen to your daughter. She is obviously feeling distressed and hurt. You can show interest by saying, “Tell me more about the way you feel,” and listen with an open heart. As specifically, “What is the worst about what just happened?” You will learn what about your way with her caused her to feel so badly. Take her seriously rather than personally. 

I notice that you believe you did everything right and kindly. And yet, your daughter is telling you that something didn’t come through the way you thought it did. I don’t know how you did the SALVE formula or what led to your child’s tantrum in the first place. Sometimes parents do validation instead of responding to the child’s need. Listen to her so you can find where you strayed from authentic and loving connection.

 The child is always right to feel what she feels, and to express herself fully and freely. By listening with no judgement, you will ensure that she feels safe to express herself as candidly in the future. 

Use the S of the SALVE formula to respond to your daughter’s words. Sort out your own feelings about her words (Self-inquiry.) Clear of your own emotional reaction, you will be able to connect with her and listen about her, not about you. You will be able to notice how she is right to feel the way she does. Can you hear the love in her desperate words? “I love you so much mom, that I cannot bear being with you when your words hurt me.”

If you are unable to discover what went wrong with the SALVE formula, I suggest you book yourself a phone session with me so you can unravel the mystery. You can sign up here: http://authenticparent.com/guidance.html

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com/index.html