Child Is Rude To People

Dear Parent,

A child has no way of being “rude.” The word “rude” is your interpretation of her actions or words. A child is too self-centered to bother with doing anything to another. She is busy doing things for her own sake only. You have known this fact before: As a baby she spat on you and you did not see her as rude. She woke you up in the middle of the night and you didn’t think she was rude. She even peed on you and threw the food you offered her on the floor. You were able to see that your child was not doing anything to you, but was only taking care of herself or expressing her feelings in the best way she could. You did not take it personally, nor assigned a meaning that wasn’t there to her actions. 

Continue seeing your child with such loving and kind eyes. She is doing things to herself, not to others.

If you tell your daughter that her words can hurt people’s feelings, you are teaching her to get hurt by people’s words. This sets her up to being emotionally weak and dependent on what others’ say. As a teenager she can take this lesson and become dependent on peers approval.

Your child is not responsible to other people’s feelings. They are. If a person tells me to go away, I do. I respect their wish and apologize for my intrusion. If someone says I am stupid, I can usually find that they are right and will use that information productively. 

Your daughter needs your kind care to her expressed needs. Are you being kind to her when she honestly expresses her preference or her need for privacy?

Whatever we see in another, is often a self-reflection. If someone looks rude to me, I look to see where I am rude. Can you see how you are rude to your daughter? Can you see how you go against her, tell her what to say, and disprove of her bold honesty? This is not a reason to feel guilty. We all have our times of forgetting to stand up for the child. Just notice how what you see in her, is truly a lesson for you.

In my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, there is a story about a mother whose child teaches her to stand up for him and not for the other adult. He says to her, “You are MY mom, not hers.”

How exciting it is that your child stands up for herself. At three, she is not going to say, “Excuse me but I don’t really want to have this conversation with you,” or to make phony small talk and excuse herself quickly. Instead, fitting with her age, she is gloriously candid and authentic. How I wish we could all retain this level of honesty and were not trained to feel hurt by words.

Your job is to help your daughter free herself from the rude adult who is imposing himself or herself on her. This would be you being kind to all involved. The truth sets everyone free and often laughing.

Your child is your mirror. Be kind to her. Represent her needs and find why she does what she does so you can assist her in her needs and protect her privacy. And, don’t teach her that words can hurt. They cannot. Powerful people are those who, when hearing rough words, see the needs and feelings of the person speaking them. 

Warmly, Naomi Aldort http://AuthenticParent.com