Child Blaming Others

Dear parent,

A child mirrors what she perceives. You didn’t say who else your child sees in her life. She can learn things from relatives, friends or even a film. She learned it somewhere.

By her nature, a child doesn’t distinguish anything as “wrong.” Milk in the cup or milk on the floor are the same. If you react to milk on the floor as though there is a problem, she can learn to look for someone to blame. So the learning happens in more subtle ways than direct imitation. Look for the source in other people, and by detecting subtle ways that you or your spouse are making an issue of things that go “wrong.”

Model not only “not” blaming, but also “yes” taking responsibility. “I spilled the juice,” and laugh at how clumsy you were while cheerfully clean it up. In addition, ask your daughter directly where she learned this silly idea? She will tell you. When she does it, make humor of it by acting and dancing, “Yes, it is me. I was flying into your room with invisible wings and broke your tower... yes yes, it is me!” (Put your arms out and pretend to fly as you speak.) Do it theatrically and have a good time.

Even when the blame is accurate, have fun with the concept of blaming so your child is clear that it is not for real. When I was judged for messing something up, I usually said, “Yes, I did the horrible error. Oh how terribly bad. Lets choose the tree to hang me on...” And then I pretended to play the trumpet for the ceremony (using the melody of the triumph march from Verdi’s opera Aida.) Everyone laughed. It was clear that blaming is some silly useless thought. 

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com/index.html