by Kathleen Wilker

I’m from Canada. Up here, we’ve all heard that the indigenous people in the far North of our country, the Inuit, have hundreds of words for snow. Because snow is so important in their culture, they need to distinguish between hard-packed snow, fresh snow, snow in a blizzard and light snow, to name just a few possibilities. When your lives depend on something, you name it carefully and in great detail.

There are not enough words for friend in the English language. We can say friend, best friend, very dear friend, friend-of-a-friend, old friend, new friend and acquaintance. But that doesn’t begin to cover these special people in our lives who support and sustain us, laugh and cry with us, but aren’t exactly part of the family.

It seems like the mainstreaming of Facebook has rendered the original word, the one word we do have, almost meaningless. With a click of the mouse, you can ask to be ‘friends’ with almost anyone, whether the two of you share any kind of relationship or any important experiences. I mean really, does anyone actually have over 1000 friends?

But we do need to call the important people in our life something. Where would we be without them? Especially when we’re trying to raise our children, continue to be present with our partners and sustain some kind of independent self identity? We count on our friends in countless ways, but what do we call them that would do justice to their tremendous and specific significance?

What do we call the:

1. Friend whose daughter is a year older than yours and tells you what to expect from the age that’s just around the corner. This friend gave you the low down on kindergarten and had some great advice about easy to eat foods for kids with wiggly teeth. Being one step ahead of you, this friend had already thought up the whole Halloween Fairy story before your daughter even went trick-or-treating. For those of you without this specific friend in your life, the Halloween Fairy is a kindly fairy who drives a pumpkin car powered by candy. Kids who leave the Halloween Fairy almost all their candy to help her drive her pumpkin car receive a gift. It’s the fun of trick-or-treating without the ongoing battles about eating candy.

2. Friend who works with your husband. You don’t know her very well but she’s got a great sense of humour and you seek each other out whenever you’re both stuck at a work party.

3. Friend who gives you all her daughter’s hand-me-downs. I do mean all. The woman likes to shop and is very good at laundry. Your daughter is always well dressed and you don’t spend a dime. Sometimes you even have leftovers to share with other friends who don’t have this kind of benefactor in your life. Friends like this help you to stay home with your kids by dramatically reducing your budget and saving you time.

4. Friend who asked to drop her son off at your house if she went into labour with her daughter before her parents arrived from out of town. What an honour. The parents eventually arrived in time, but each night you took the portable phone upstairs at bedtime so you’d be ready for her call brought you two closer.

5. Friend who got your husband his first full-time job when the two of you had just moved to the city, recently married and jobless.

6. Friend who wanted you to be her doula but decided not to tell you she was in labour because it was happening at the same time as your first marathon and she knew how hard you trained. Her daughter was born at the exact moment you crossed the finish line and has a special place in your heart.

7. Friend who your child loves like her favourite aunt. You know that if your daughter ever enters an awkward teenage stage that involves not talking to mom, this friend will be your go between.

8. Friend who you used to see lots of but don’t anymore because you’re at different stages of life but you still care about each other deeply. You hope your paths will cross more often sometime soon, but for now you treasure whatever time you do get to spend together.

9. Friend who breastfed her son or daughter at the same time you were breastfeeding one of your children. You may not be part of a community that believes in offering each other’s children milk from a collective source, but the bond formed while breastfeeding at the same time is a deep one. You’ve shared full and satisfied babes, frequent night wakings, being able to quickly and easily comfort your children and finally weaning. When you breastfed in public together, it made mothering through breastfeeding both normal and sacred.

10. Friend who was one of your husband’s best friends growing up and quickly developed her own special relationship with you as soon as you met.

11. Friend who wasn’t afraid to suggest that your child needed medical help. This friend is especially dear because your son was tongue-tied and although your midwife suggested the tongue-tie would resolve itself, it was actually very difficult for your son to breastfeed. Most other friends who saw you and your son struggle through breastfeeding said kind and supportive words, but it was this friend’s advice that you really needed.

12. Friend who goes on vacation with you and your family three years in a row and even seems to enjoy herself.

13. Friend who drives you crazy but you still hang out with her on a regular basis although you’re not sure why.

14. Friend who makes you two separate dinners when your second child is born after checking to make sure the time she was going to drop off dinner was convenient for you.

15. Friend who was a very dear friend once upon a time and is not in the picture anymore. Neither of you is sure what happened, but continuing your friendship is more painful than not seeing each other anymore.

16. Friend who trades babysitting with you. Both of you are invested in raising each other’s kids because you both love them too.

17. Friend who goes for a run with you in the middle of winter, even when it’s so cold out that your eyelashes are freezing together. Even when she has to peel children off her legs to leave the house.

18. Friend who finds it easy to be glamorous.

19. Friend who organizes all the girls when it’s time for a night out.

20. Friend who moved away to Panama for two years but didn’t sell her house with its backyard kitty-corner to yours. Now she’s back and both your families are delighted and the kids are plotting a double ladder so they can scale the fence that separates them and play whenever they like. This is not just a neighbour.

21. Friend who entrusted you with the only spare key to her apartment when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

22. Friend you can call when your husband’s feeling down and needs to be invited to go mountain biking by her husband. You do this for each other.

23. Friend whose name you don’t actually know but she gave you a hug after you and your daughter were almost hit by a car when your daughter was an infant in your arms. Whenever you see this friend around thee neighbourhood, you are deeply grateful.

24. Friend who calls himself your brother. This friend is a contractor, complete with steel toed boots. He is your son’s first mentor. If your son’s not home, he’s probably in this friend’s living room, watching cable and hanging out. This friend does not eat organic anything, but he loves your family and can always be counted on.

25. Friend who hired you to work at her baby shop when you were desperate for a job but didn’t want to leave your clingy child behind. This friend gave you the first pay cheque you earned in years and the dignity that goes with paying at least a little of your own way.

26. Friend you worked with at summer camp. From the moment you met, you clicked. Sometimes you wonder if she’s now a mother too. Someday you’ll look her up on Facebook.

These are a few of my favourite friends. Most continue to be an important part of my life. But even those who have moved on are still an essential part of my story.

They have names, their very own names, of course. But I think they also deserve a special title that defines the depth and significance of our relationship. Something to give our friendship a context. I realize this would be confusing because each of us is at once many different friends to many different people who are, in turn, all kinds of different friends to another whole different set of friends. But it’s an important puzzle that I think we should work on.

Our family moved from our home in Toronto to Northern India for a year when I was in high school. We learned enough Punjabi and Hindi when we were there to know that the uncle who is your mother’s youngest brother has his own special title. And that every person who is your senior – from the gentleman selling mangoes at the market to your classmate’s mother — should be addressed as “Uncle” or “Auntie,” out of respect.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, one of my best friends, originally from Mexico, started calling me ‘comadre.’ Every time she called me that, she was promising to be another mother to my unborn daughter. She was letting me know that I could depend on her to go shopping for maternity clothes with me and to baby sit when the time came. As my comadre, this friend was also entitled to give me advice about prenatal nutrition whether I asked for it or not.

I was recently a bridesmaid for a very dear friend. When I started counting back to grade nine, when we met each other, I realized we have been friends for twenty years. So now she’s my faithful-friend-of-twenty-years. But it’s not just about the decades we’ve stood by each other. This woman is one of my best friends because of the experiences we’ve shared during those years together. We wrote a play together in grade twelve. The play was awful, but writing it together was wonderful. So she’s actually my faithful-friend-of-twenty-years-and-co-author-of-a-lousy-play.

At Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter, my husband and I are called by our respective families to drive long distances to take our places at our family dinner tables. No matter how long the drive or how treacherous the driving conditions or whether we’d rather go on camping trip with our immediate family, we almost always attend. It’s Christmas (or whatever holiday), after all and it’s family. This is what you do.

I vote we name our friends more deeply and more specifically so we can summon each other to the table, so to speak, whenever the need arises. As I explained to my husband who stayed home and took care of the kids, of course I needed to make three five-hour trips from Ottawa to Toronto for my friend’s wedding. This was my faithful-friend-of-twenty-years-and-co-author-of-a-lousy-play. And I was one of her bridesmaids.

We say ‘it takes a village to raise a child.’ And this is true. But it’s also true that it takes a village of friends to keep a woman going through the challenges and celebrations of life that motherhood brings. And these friends are each special and unique. Sometimes they stretch us. Sometimes they make demands on our time and energy. Usually they listen to us. And they definitely deserve names of their own that tell a little bit about who they are to us. A name to introduce our story.

Q. Mayron’s Goods is a family affair. What were the benefits (and the challenges) of working with your dad to create and grow the business?

A. My younger sister has had a line of skincare products called JAO BRAND that she had developed with my dad, and I wanted to get in on the action. No seriously, I was trying to get pregnant at the time, which was fourteen years ago, so babies were on my brain. And i looked around and didn’t see much in the way of natural or organic skincare for babies, much less in the diaper cream department, so I suggested to my dad that he and I develop products in that vein.

Q. What is your favorite product in the line?

A. Well, for me, the barrier/diaper cream is our flagship product. We call it “Our Best” Barrier and Diaper Cream because we must have developed over sixty or more through the years. The ingredients and the consistency are beyond compare to anything on the market today. I’m not joking. My dad has one of the patents on the time release tablet. He’s a genius when it comes to formulating products and he truly has outdone himself. For babies the cream will prevent a rash with daily use but it will also get rid of one. AND, it works for grown ups too. Men’s chafing issues, women’s issues, it really is a miracle cream. Also helps excema a great deal and works on dogs too, with their skin issues. So it is the kind of thing where a tube of “Our Best” should be on everyone’s medicine chest, just for emergencies. Like you never know when you’ll need it! A perfect “down there” cream for all ages.

Q. We love the awesome Americana look of the packaging. What was your inspiration for this? How did it evolve?

A. I grew up in Philadelphia in the fifties. There were candy stores with sawdust on the floor and soda fountains. The Philadelphia Phillies had red as their color, everyone had little red wagons, Phillies cigars had red packaging… I just saw red as the color of my childhood. We had a diaper man deliver cloth diapers when my little brother was born and there was a milkman that delivered the milk… everything was naturally very “eco” or “green,” as we say now. It was a period where people stood by their word. A safe and honest time. I wanted to evoke that period in my products, so you could feel taken care of by them, and buy them with confidence.

Q. People really connected powerfully with your Melissa character on Thirtysomething. I know you’ve done so much more–writing, directing, acting. Please share some of your most rewarding creative roles and projects.

A. Well, there was a movie called Girlfriends that came out in 1978. Warner Brothers had run an Oscar campaign for me for Best Actress. It was an amazing film, an indie, and i was nominated for Brtitish Academy Award, and won the Best Actress Prize at the Locarno Film Festival in Locarno, Switzerland. It was my first lead in a film and it was an international sensation. You can now get the DVD on the Warner Brothers website.

There was a made-for-tv movie starring Vanessa Redgrave called “Playing For Time.” It was about the women’s orchestra in Auschwitz during WWII. I had the second lead with Vanessa. It was an astonishing film. In one scene Vanessa and I site together, naked, while they shave our hair off. And they did. They had three cameras rolling and they shaved our hair. (I didn’t work for over a year after that.)

And then there is the film I co-wrote and co-produced with Catlin Adams called Sticky Fingers. Helen Slater and I starred in it. Christopher Guest played my boyfriend. Carol Kane and Eileen Brennan were also in it. Making that film was a dream come true. We raised 3 and a half million dollars and got to go make a film. Catlin directed. We had a ball. It came out in 1988, a shopping comedy. It is now on Netflix.

Q. What do you like the most? Writing, directing, or acting?

A. I love it all. I mean, I am a trained actor. Once an actor, always an actor. I approach my writing and my directing from that place. It seems the most logical way to approach all the different jobs. Behavior, motivation, people skills. I find as a director, you need more people skills however.

Q. What made you decide to run with Mayron’s Goods?

A. When I started to make some extra money and could pay to package and manufacture the products. I really just needed the money. I started doing more directing work in film and television and was able to throw money at the business to get it off the ground.

Q. How did you assemble your team? What do you look for when deciding who to work with?

A. I met David Pirrotta, my brand manager, through a friend. And she met him completely happenstance… like at the Department of Motor Vehicles where he was outraged he had to pay five hundred dollars to transfer his car registration from New York to California. Jocelyn too had just moved to L.A. from New York and recognized another frustrated New Yorker, so they got to talking. She had been helping me try to get Mayron’s Goods off the ground and when she heard he had built many well known brands and was looking for something to do, having just moved here, she thought she should put the two of us together. So I met him and we have been working together ever since.

[Note from Candace: I met David at the ABC trade show, and he is SO awesome. Just the greatest guy ever. And hilarious.]

What I like to look for is obviously someone with more experience in retail then me, for starters. But David had built many successful brands and I knew he could guide me in just the ways I wanted for this brand to really become a household name.

Q. As a mom with a career, how did you balance and juggle the different things expected of you?

A. It is tricky trying to parent two twelve year olds and try to get work on the entertainment industry as well as start a new business. But I want some autonomy in the work world. As an actress or director I have to be “picked” by someone. That is hard to still deal with after so many years. Mayron’s Goods give me the opportunity to do my own thing, work with who I want, and put out something I can be proud to stand behind. Plus, I love doing something new while still being creative, and meeting and getting to know so many wonderful people. After all, I am a people person at heart.

Up for giveaway: the Mayron’s Goods Roadpack. It’s the entire line of Baby Goods, in portable sizes. They come packed in a re-usable utilitarian travel bag with a distressed zipper and a waterproof interior.

Here’s what’s inside: Gentle All Over Head and Body Wash, Astonishing Hydrating Body Milk, Tangerine Massage and Body Oil, Chapstuff, and “Our Best” Barrier and Diaper Cream.

Here’s how you enter to win:

1. Leave a comment below, with any feedback about the interview or Mayron’s Goods.

2. For a second chance to win, Click here to go to the Mayron’s Goods facebook page and Like it. Then come back and leave a second comment telling me that you did.

2 packages Trader Joe’s Pappardelle (or any noodley pasta, about 12 oz.)
3 ounces proscuitto, chopped
a healthy bunch of asparagus, trimmed, cut on diagonal into 1-inch pieces
1-2 chopped zucchini
2 cups peas (I used frozen petit pois from Trader Joes, go ahead and shoot me)
1 large onion (this one happened to be from the farmer’s market), sliced thinly into rings
2 garlic cloves, pressed
1/2 cup finely grated Parmesan cheese plus additional for serving
1/3 cup half-and-half
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1/4 cup thinly sliced fresh basil, divided

I began, as I usually do, by putting a pot of water on to boil, for the pasta.

Then I sauteed the prosciutto in my new ginormous Cuisinart Green Gourmet saute pan. How nice not to have things slopping over the edges.

I removed it and threw in the onions, a few minutes later the asparagus, zucchini, and garlic. Let that get all soft, and found time to chiffonade the basil, stirring the veggies occasionally, added a splash of 2 buck Chuck Sauvignon Blanc to deglaze the pan.

I added the peas and a cup of chicken stock. At this point, the water was boiling and I added the pasta. Hey! Pappardelle takes 10-12 minutes to cook. Okay…had a little time to kill…did a little sipping on the wine…Laura and I priced bar stools for our counter-on-the-galley-kitchen, but they were all spendy or not cute. Honoree told me she wanted waffles for dinner instead so I said, knock yourself out, they go in the toaster.

About 9 minutes into the pasta cooking, I asked Laura for some sous-chef aid. Everything suddenly needed to come together really fast. She handed me the half-and-half, took the plastic choker off the package of parmesan, found me the pepper grinder.

I added the creamy stuff, the lemon juice [news flash: that lemon juice really brought it all to an extremely DIVINE level], put the proscuitto back in the mix, then drained the pasta and added that to the sauce, tossed it a bunch to get everything melded together, and at long last, tossed on half the fresh basil and the parmesan cheese. Stirred that in, plated it, ground some pepper on top, tossed on more fresh basil, and sat down for dinner.

It was
so
good.

And tonight, we’re having leftovers.

This Monday morning giveaway is Christine Gross-Loh’s signed book, The Diaper Free Baby. Christine is a longtime Mothering writer, and the author of Mothering’s current cover story, “Wear Your Baby!”

The winner will be picked on Friday, July 23.

The Diaper Free Baby was written for parents who are interested in practicing elimination communication (EC), or gentle infant pottying. Christine, who has EC’ed all four of her children, encourages parents to practice EC in a way that makes sense for themselves and their families, and helps parents and babies engage in mutual communication with each other while also reducing their dependence on diapers.

You can also read her blog at Origami Mommy, “The adventures of a family living abroad in Japan.”

To enter this drawing, please leave a comment below. Feel free to share your diaper-free adventures, wisdom, advice or challenges…

What we’re giving away: a pair of Delicate Soles flats, you pick the size and the color. They come in pink, black, silver and red. Yeah, baby!

This is probably not the time in your life when you’re spending a lot of time tottering around in stilettos or platform shoes.

But that shouldn’t keep us from digging Delicate Soles. They’re sleek ballet flats that you can roll up and store in your purse, and change into them whenever you’re tired of the sneakers, flip flops, or pink fluffy slippers you’re currently wearing.

Going to weddings when I had small babies was a whole different experience than going as a single non-mom. Between the (suddenly “simple will do”) makeup, grooming, locating a nice dress that I could nurse in…then strapping on some heels? I did it. I wish I had Delicate Soles in my purse at the time, I would have changed into them as soon as the heels started to get old (maybe in the car on the way over).

So, enter to win by doing the following:
-”Like” Delicate Souls on their facebook page
-Leave a comment below with your preference of size and color. They come in three sizes: S (6-7), M (7.5-8.5), and L (9-10).

And just out of curiosity, do you have a favorite comfortable yet stylish shoe? If so, what is it?

According to the JJ Cole Collections website, “The Mode includes twelve pockets inside and out for organizing. Depending on preference, the Mode allows for three carrying options including two tote straps, a removable padded shoulder strap, or stroller attachments for a no-slip grip to your stroller handle.”

• easy-to-clean laminated canvas
• removable, padded shoulder strap
• two front zipper pockets
• back pocket for all your changing needs
• coordinating changing pad included

It’s also PVC- and pthalate-free, 14.5″ wide, x 13.5″ high x 5″ deep. And most laptops would fit in it. And…I think I’ll throw some yummy products in there too–some butt balms and other goodies.

So please leave a comment below to enter this contest. If you have a sec, tell me what kinds of articles you’d like to see more of in Mothering.

And please consider donating your extra/stored cloth diapers to our mama-to-mama cloth diaper matchmaker program, which has currently helped over 30 moms in less than a week. I’m so grateful to the women who have so generously sent cloth diapers to mamas who are in need–and for the needin’ mamas who have spoken up, to be those squeaky wheels who are now able to be green and keep sposies off their babies’ butts. If you have cloth diapers to donate, please email me at candacew@mothering.com (with a description of the size and type of dipes you have) and I will match you up with a mama pronto.

Please tell me what you think of this idea. In the course of reading comments I have been very touched by hearing from women who want to cloth diaper but are really low on funds and can’t afford to get that stash together.

If you have some cloth diapers that your baby has grown out of, would you be interested in being matched up with a cloth diapering-wannabe mama who is in need of receiving some? I’d be willing to put you in touch with each other. Let me know.

UPDATE: What a great response! So far I’ve matched up 27 mamas in need with awesomely generous cloth diaper donors! I still need cloth diapers, though, if you have any to donate.

I am still trying to help moms find the following:

-a mama with an 8-month old who has only six diapers
-cloth diapers for a petite 17-month girl baby
-pocket diapers for a 10 month old who is 20 lbs. (I was able to connect her with a donation of 2 diapers but would like to send her more)
-medium or 1-size for a 20-lb girl
-cloth diapers for a 2-year-old girl
- diapers for an 11 month old, could also use a wet bag : )
-18 month old who is 23 months
-6 month-old boy who is 13-15 lbs.
-8-month-old boy
-and several expecting mamas

There are some more mamas that I have to put on my “needing” list but I’ve connected all of the new donor mamas with mamas in need. So please donate if you have cloth diapers to give. Email me at candacew@mothering.com or leave a comment with a description of the cloth diapers you have available.

And then it all…shifted. Bags got cute. Someone up there realized that pregnancy hormones did a heck of a lot, but they didn’t change grown women into children with a thing for baby farm animals.

My latest favorite mama satchel is the Kushies Whimsy bag. Especially because it just happens to be a diaper bag–and it will serve as a cute tote way after that babe is out of diapers.

Regard.

It comes with a changing pad:

Squee.

If that’s not your style (it’s obviously mine) they have also come out with this number, the Boho:

This giveaway is just for the Whimsy, so if you’re mad about the Boho, all I can offer is a discount code (see below). In order to enter the drawing, please leave a comment below. And if you feel so inspired, please share a little about what you look for in a diaper bag or any other splurge-y, fun stylish acquisition…and it doesn’t need to be spendy at all. It could be a lipstick, an essential oil, a pair of Danskos…

One of my favorite post-baby purchases was a cool $2 vintage baby doll nightie that I found at a Brooklyn thrift store. It was really easy to nurse in it at night, and when I wore it around the house (not just in the mornings, mind you), I felt kind of like Ann-Margret. And that…was priceless.

PS: *Enjoy this 10% discount code on Kushies products for A la Mama readers: Mothering2010 at www.kushiesonline.com.*

Over the past few years I’ve become keenly aware of the social fragmentation in our society. What began as a personal experience of feeling somewhat isolated as a parent trying to make my way quickly evolved into a full time examination of family, community and social structures in our society.

As a psychotherapist in private practice, I also noticed that an increasingly high percentage of my clients were having similar struggles. In many families both parents had to work, which meant that they had little time left for grocery shopping and preparing family dinners, or carpooling their kids after school to soccer practice or ballet, or reviewing homework at night, or getting that house project completed. Most of the parents I talked to felt overwhelmed by their responsibilities, and didn’t know how to improve their situation. They had to work long hours to make ends meet, and they often had no family nearby to help with the kids. I recognized these to be modern challenges that needed new solutions.

Beyond the economic difficulties of social fragmentation, I was concerned about child development. I worried that many children were not getting what they needed from their parents or our society. They needed their parents to be consistently present to form secure attachments from an early age, and to feel that they belonged to something meaningful. Whereas being present with our children used to be the norm, it now seemed like a luxury, reserved for those with enough income to fund a nanny, gardener, and perhaps a home chef or trainer. Parents with these luxuries were certainly not your average Americans trying to raise a family.

I continued to read and write about the topic of social fragmentation, and out of it came a manuscript, a workshop, and Alloparent.org, a social networking website for parents that provides a forum for parents to exchange services and support. The idea behind Alloparent.org is ancient: the idea that communities help each other raise their children. As humans we are wired to parent together as a result of millions of years of evolution. But the industrial revolution, among other events, left the modern family isolated—left to fend for itself in an increasing expensive and fragmented culture.

With Alloparent.org, parents can create a group in their city, or a sub-group on their street. They can also create groups for specific needs, such as childcare or carpools or meal exchanges or gardening. And it’s free. Some parents will be interested in forming on-going groups, and others will choose the a la carte option, where they initiate an exchange on a one-time basis. Alloparent.org is there to help serve the individual needs of each parent and family.

More than anything else, I think Alloparent.org represents a mind-set and an awareness that parents need more support in our society. When people join Alloparent.org, they feel that coming together as a community and wanting to collaborate as parents and families is acceptable. They are not embarrassed as they might otherwise be, because the culture of Alloparent.org supports and advocates for community collaboration.

Lisa Nave is a psychotherapist in private practice in Mill Valley, CA. She is also a writer, speaker, and the mother of two boys.

In a previous post, I discussed the art of creating a ‘stillness game’ with our young one to help him learn to relax down to sleep. While there are a plethora of CDs, books, and MP3s (I know, I’ve made one too) out there to help you, sometimes, it’s best for your child to hear your voice in helping them to relax down to sleep.

I’ve found that the keys to relaxation with children are voice and music. There are a variety of methods out there from Transcendental Meditation to using mantras to relax. I’ve found the simple methods of focusing on your breathing or following a step-by-step muscle relaxation work the best for the majority of the adults and children I’ve worked with.

Most children find their parent’s voices soothing when we’re trying to help quiet down a pain or discomfort. Sometimes, they fight you on sheer principle. You’ll need to test this process for a few days to see if you’re going to be able to use your own voice, recruit a family member, or find something or someone else out there to help. Please, test it out for at least a week before moving on to another solution. I’d really recommend trying it for a month so they have some consistency and a chance to succeed with it. But, if you’re still feeling frustrated, move on to something else to see if it will help.

We want both you and your child to have a relaxing evening.

Our focus here is to teach you how to use your voice to help your child relax down to sleep. (You’ll learn to, this can and will help with temper tantrums and general screaming fits.) With your voice, you need to work on cadence and levels. You need to slow your regular speech pattern down so that almost every word comes across on a single slow and steady breath.

To record yourself, you can use such products as GarageBand on the Mac and Magix for the PC. I switch back and forth between both. Make sure you use a headset to help cancel out any background noise. And, if you or your spouse is a musician, all the better! As for music, you want to select something with less than 60 beats a minute. Any of the meditation CDs you find at Target or in iTunes will work just fine for your personal recording. I’ve steered away from things such as nature sounds or thunderstorms, as these make our son agitated in his sleep. Instead, I selected a soft ocean theme with some light harp and flute music in the background. Your music selection will depend on your child. I know one who loves bagpipes!

The script below should last at least five minutes. I start with about 20 seconds of music before I start the script below, giving them a little bit to adjust to the fact it’s bedtime. The music lays just below the voice for the first part, the first five minutes. You want the voice to be loud enough for them to focus on it. When I’m done recording the main session (the first five minutes), I add in enough music to last about 25-30 minutes and then layer in the voice recording just below the music 2-3 more times (you don’t want to be able to consciously hear the voice, on mine, I can hear it at certain parts, but my musician husband can’t, go figure) and then let the rest just run as music.

Ok, time to lay back and relax. Find your spot. Get all nice and comfy. Take a deep breath. And a big yawn. (You will actually yawn.) Letting your body relax. Eyes closed now. Feeling your head relax. Getting all nice and comfy.
Feeling your face relax. Warm, soft, secure. Letting your neck and shoulders get nice and warm. Soft and relaxed. Letting your chest relax. Warm and comfy. All safe and secure.

Just letting go now. All warm and loved. Knowing that you’re very good and we love you very much. That’s right. Safe and secure.

If you would like to hear a short sample, click here.

Your important items in the script are (and ones you should make sure show up in your own version):
1) getting your child to find their spot
2) repetition
Working with them on “finding their spot” allows them to choose where they’re going to relax and gives them a verbal cue to do so. You are giving them a choice, giving them the power rather than initiating a power struggle. And, if you think about it, don’t you fall asleep in the same position night after night? I know I do. I curl up on my stomach, tuck the pillow under my head and sling my arm over another pillow. I’m out. I watch our son, he curls up on his side, throws an arm over a stuffed animal and once he gets still (i.e., stops kicking his feet) he’s out. As for repetition, this is key in relaxation or guided meditation. Using the same words over and over again helps the brain naturally slow down and focus. Use whatever words you normally use when trying to calm them down, and no, not the ones you use when frustrated, the soft soothing ones.

Practice the script a few times without them around. Find your natural rhythm with it. Use it as a guide to write down your own, adding in your own phrases and terminology. I kept the body parts generic so that even very young children can respond to the process. I’ve seen success with kids as young as two.

A couple of great resources I’ve found and actually used in our efforts, because sometimes, he’s just tired of hearing mommy’s voice, are:

• Bubble Riding: A Relaxation Story, Designed to Help Children Increase Creativity While Lowering Stress and Anxiety Levels. (Book) (Indigo Ocean Dreams) – beautifully illustrated, slightly too repetitive and can cause a school aged child to ask you if it’s “going to keep doing that”, but it does help them relax down. He still asks for it sometimes before bed.

• Turtle Island: A Bedtime Story (CD) by Monroe Products – you’re supposed to use it with a special device, but it works just as well for them on your standard iPod. He doesn’t ask for this one as much. He prefers the next one.

• Softly to Sleep (MP3) by myself – the one I recorded that seems to work the best for our son using the exact methods as I have written about here. I can play it on a road trip, and he’s out. We always take our iPods and a player on vacation, and it seems to help being in a new environment.
Whatever method you choose to use, the books, your own recording, or someone else’s recorded voice, know that you can get them to stop the battles and really give you back your evening sanity. It just takes a little ingenuity and some soft, quiet guidance, and you’ll have your little one sleeping softly through the night.

Stacia D. Kelly, PhD, MHt is a writer and Holistic Health Coach living
with her husband, son and three cats just outside of Washington DC.
She takes a whole mind-body-spirit approach to health and well-being
and teaches her clients to do the same. Blog:
http://www.mindbodyspiritworks.com