Responding to A Raging, Insulting Child

Dear parent,

I want to acknowledge you for your amazing strength and courage to validate and be present for your child’s emotional outburst in spite of feeling hurt inside. I find that so powerful and compassionate. You were exploding with pain, yet, by using the SALVE formula from my book, you were able to focus on your daughter and give her exactly what she needed. You used SALVE so well and it worked!

I am sure you noticed that your loving connection produced the desired result. Feeling safe, loved and supported, your daughter found her own empowerment and cleared herself from her temporary rage. She fell asleep peacefully, loving you and loving herself.

Next was your turn to fall asleep peacefully, yet, you too needed a loving listener to unleash your emotions. No one listened to your painful thoughts so you couldn’t move on as easily. When we don’t have a live listener for our hurts, it is best to take care of ourselves by questioning our own thoughts in writing. 

You did the right thing for your daughter. You helped her relieve herself of her rage so she could feel loving and peaceful again. She learned form you to be unconditionally loving, to listen, to be affectionate and to be powerful. She will develop kindness out of this and other similar experiences. She also learned a peaceful way to process her own intense emotions and she knows that she is safe and free to express herself with her mother. She knows her mother loves her unconditionally; when she has rotten feelings she can be honest and open about these feelings and her mother stays present and loving. How beautiful and empowering. 

To heal yourself, sit with a pen and a paper and write down the thoughts that cause you pain. Your daughter is fine. It is your own thinking about her that hurts you. You believe some ideas that bring you stress and are obviously rooted in your painful, fear-based childhood. Again, with what you say about your childhood, your power is incredible. 

Some of the thoughts to questions may be: 

• I need my daughter to always feel loving toward me.

• My child shouldn’t tell the truth about her normal feelings of hate and anger.

• I am a bad mother or she wouldn’t feel this way.

• My child shouldn’t be angry over such little thing over which I had no control.

• She had no reason to rage.

• These are hurtful words.

I would love to assist you via a phone session, to work through these and other thoughts. You can heal yourself from needing your child’s approval and from ever hearing any words as “hurtful.” You can learn to be at peace with your daughter’s many natural human emotions, including about you. No one can feel loving at all times. Hate and anger must have a safe space to exist and to be expressed. I would love to help you see how beneficial it is for your child to unleash her emotions so freely in your loving arms. Your story should be in the news as an example of great love and courage.

Your idea that she shouldn’t have these thoughts, or that she shouldn’t feel rage over a wet pajama take you away from the truth that for her it was that painful. Maybe the way you told her about it was instigating her hurt. Your may be able to learn how to tell her that the item is wet in a way that evokes more peaceful response. I don’t know what you said, but I always suggest a “yes” rather than a “no.” “Oh yes that is a great thing to wear for bed. Lets go get it.” “Hmn, where is it? Lets look for it together.” Then look with her, discover (or remember) together that, “Oh, it is in the wash,” and offer, “Lets dry it fast.” “How about putting it by itself in the dryer? On the radiator? Or wear it on the body and run around for a while... it may dry on you.”

Let your child face reality without you being the “bad news” or the one who isn’t giving it to her. This could have possibly saved the whole scene. However, we are never perfect which is wonderful, and what you did was so loving and effective: it could not be more perfect.

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com